Welcome to a new and "exciting" review, in which someone seeks me out and asks me to review his Kickstarted RPG, not expecting me to tear it in half for being bad. Welcome to Middenarde! Where everything you're promised in the Kickstarter is false, and the only redeeming part is the art and unintentional comedy.
Hey, you, nerd. When's the last time you ran a game? In fact, have you ever run a game at all? Or have you only sat around complaining that no GM's would run your favourite system/setting? Or that you keep ending up in terrible Magical Realm situations when you join a game?
Well guess what, it's time to change that.
Sign up for GAME PACT 2016 and be the change you want to see. Run a goddamn game some time this year. Pick a system, pick a setting, pick a time, even if it's a couple of months from now, there are 12 months in 2016 and plenty of time to run something, even if it's just a Maid RPG one-shot.
Me? I'm gonna run Fallout: Florida using the Unisystem system(AFMBE, All Flesh Must Be Eaten, as the base Unisystem game). Do meth, wrestle an alligator, punch a ghoul, punch two ghouls, wake up passed out in a suit of power armor you don't remember owning! It's Fallout: Florida!
[#] In Dark Alleys: Like Kult With More Tentacle Dicks
12:04pm UTC - 1/01/2016
Ever read/heard about Kult and thought: "Man! I'd love to play this, but only if it had more explicit gay sex and rants against literacy, science and modern medicine as evil things?" Then boy, IDA is the game for you!
Thankfully, it's not just cringeworthily stupid, it also has some occasional creative sparks, combined with poorly-designed mechanics, which result in it being possible to play a hideously-scarred ex-con without a brain, with a child sidekick whom everyone believes is Barack Obama.
[#] The Kromore RPG: Making 3E D&D Look Fair To Fighters
01:54pm UTC - 8/16/2015
Kromore is an RPG that I only noticed after someone popped into #suptg to beg for a WAREZED version of it. I laughed at him, then googled it to find out what it was, since I'd never seen it before. Turns out it was a Kickstarted RPG promising 10,000 years of history, a system that works in all eras, from fantasy through medieval, steampunk through sci-fi.
It just seemed like there was no way it was going to deliver, or at least not deliver with quality. I was right.
[#] The Wraeththu RPG: Vampires Just Weren't Homoerotic Enough
04:49pm UTC - 8/13/2015
Wraeththu is a series of books based around androgynous magical hermaphrodites that transform pretty young men into more androgynous magical hermaphrodites by bleeding on them, then riding unicorns, casting spells, being the perfect gay buddies for human women and then engaging in horrifying evil wizardry powered by sexually violating human men to death.
Oh and it has a section in the back on how to get your group to ERP with you. Wonderful, right? Of course the rules are also muddled shit(for doubled hilarity, after the semi-incomprehensible skill and combat rules, the relatively straight-forward chapter on magic makes all the skills and combat irrelevant by turning every single Wraeththu character into a godlike wizard. Why know how to fire a gun when you can railgun slugs of pure plutonium across the landscape?), the art is terrible and the only good words I have for it are about some of its foreword.
This review is another repost from Something Awful.
[#] Hc Svnt Dracones: Furry Capitalist Eclipse Phase
03:42am UTC - 8/04/2015
Earlier this year I reviewed Hc Svnt Dracones, or "HSD" simply on the basis of it being a furry RPG with atrocious cover art. Unfortunately, I reviewed it on Something Awful's forums, in their "Fatal & Friends" thread, so you guys didn't get to enjoy it. I've now transplanted the ten posts that make up the review to SupTG, some of the formatting is a bit wonky, but it should all be readable and "enjoyable."
[#] Pffff, listen up, boy, and I'll show you some classics.
05:40pm UTC - 10/06/2008
So, The Frighteners, an interesting mix of horror and humour, though mostly on the humorous side. Not somewhere to go for a scare, but a nice choice if you like horror but need to watch a movie with someone who's a total wuss. Surprisingly gory, and has a fucking AFRO GHOST and the Grim Reaper himself. Sort of.
Next: The Shining. Now, the Shining was a damn fine movie. Very good for its time, with the only real downside being that dear God, the wife was shrill, annoying and kind of pointless. A lot of fine scenes and good acting from Nicholson, though. Most people seem to say the new miniseries is worse, but I'd like to disagree, I think they're both good, but in different ways. The miniseries lacks Nicholson and they wussed out a bit on the ending, but it kind of fleshes out the hotel and the happenings there a lot more.
Mimic was an alright movie, actually, suffers are bit from Tard Script, again, but not so badly.
You know what always bugs me about horror/sci-fi? When some random scientist just sits down and looks at something for a second and then makes some AMAZING leap of logic or random discovery by spilling something on something and BAM, NOW WE UNDERSTAND THE FUCKING PLOT. Or they take 2/3rds of the plot to figure out something that's glaringly obvious to the viewer. Jesus.
Just keep science and computers out of these fucking movies, guys. You don't understand it and you can't involve it without making it retarded. JUST ACCEPT IT.
Let's see if you can manage it without reducing the server to a puddle of MOLTEN FUCKING METAL, shizbitch.
Now, good horror, let's see... Ghost Ship wasn't that great, but honestly managed a couple of creepy/shock-y moments despite it. Storm of the Century is pretty low-key, but has some eerie as fuck parts. If you judge horror by how many burning, scarred and still-smoking holes it leaves burned into your brain, then I suppose you could watch Species. If you want a laugh masquerading as a scare, check out House and House 2, just be prepared for everything being completely fucking absurd. Cube could be interpreted as horror, it's not exactly SCARY as such, but it'll leave you pretty on edge and what it has does NOT rely on shock in any form or fashion.
Brazil, too, is not exactly "horror," but it has a lot of psychological elements that can unhinge you a bit if you think about them too much. Misery was more brainbreaking as a book, but a damn good movie despite it. And Needful Things is definitely worth a watch.
Hey, check it out, at some point we might even get around to talking about horror RPG's, eh?
Mind, that's an interesting thing. There are plenty of horror-ish-themed Pen and Paper RPG's, but I can't recall a single video game RPG where horror was the main element. I mean, sure, there's always the obligatory sewer level, and sometimes you have to enter a haunted house. But not an actual horror focus throughout the entire game.
We do have horror GAMES, look at Silent Hill, but just not really any horror RPG's I can recall. Who knows, maybe they've all slipped under my radar.
PS: LL, dare you to beat my fucking demon spider clown.
OKAY, KIDS. THIS IS FUCKING HALLOWEEN, SO LET'S GET FUCKING SCARY ALL UP IN THIS JOINT. I PROPOSE TO YOU THE HORROR STORY OF THE NIGHT... I TITLE IT, "WHAT IF":
WHAT IF ALL OF THE AIR IN THE WORLD... TURNED... TO WOOD?!
ARE YOU SCARED YET? OH YEAH, I BET YOU LITTLE SISSIES ARE.
Now get off my goddamn lawn, you sicken me.
That aside, drop by the IRC, you horrible people. I'm sure you're out there, people who just scour the site hunting for LL's secret stashes of IllithidxBeholder pornography and never join in on all the fun we have there.
Watch some Hellraiser, Hellraiser 2 and the three first Nightmare on Elm Street movies. That should kick you into a TERROR mood. Oh, and Carpenter's Apocalypse trilogy. Prince of Darkness, The Thing and In The Mouth of Madness. Anyone who says ItMoM is not an awesome movie is, by the way, a terrible heretic and you should stab them to death with their own dick.
That's not the REAL horror, though. The real horror? That's when I convince LL to add a FATAL character generator to the list on the left.