Fuck yeah, I love this quest.

I am uncertain as tho the veracity of-

Oh fuck it, let's do this shit.

>>9619786
You are right, this shit is pathetic.

pathetic asshole pervert reporting for thread

You are a young man who has suddenly come into an unexpected inheritance: a rather large mansion and a sizeable amount of money. However, your rather eccentric uncle has put a secret rider in his will: in order to inherit the money, you must:

1. Repair the rather old and decaying house.
2. Hire a full staff of maids to upkeep it.
3. Have sex with at least three of them. (2.5/3)

At least, that's the basic idea. Things have gotten confused since then.

Loot
Alien Repair Bots
Reticulan Combat Android
Demonic Ace of Spades - Alicia's Phylactery

Your Costumes
Magician (Magic Missile, Shield, Ritual Magic)

Mansion Status:
Facilities: Beachfront property, Huge Yacht ("Kat")
Kitchen: Average (3 of 5)
Decor: Good (4 of 5)
Gardens: Average (3 of 5)
Repair: PERFECT (6 of 5)
Beach: Good (4 of 5)

AT BLACK MESA:
Reginald, Your Butler (Devoted)
Koyomi, your Japanese gamer science nerd. (Neutral)
SISTER FUCKING CARMINE, THE FUCKING FEMALE FUCKING ANGRY MARINE! (Angry)

AT HOME:
Samantha, Your Head Maid (Devoted) - LOVE
Kristopher, formerly Katherine, the redheaded trap-kun (Distant)
Felicia, the cute catgirl (Warm) - SEXED
Jehanne, the paladin of Bahamut (Devoted) - SEXED
Alicia, the former Demon Queen of Lust, now in possession of Katherine's Love (Warm)

40 XP

Day 10 of 30. You are in Black Mesa. Things are going apeshit.

WHAT DO? WHAT DO?

>>9619856
Masturbate.

>>9619890
seems only fitting

>>9619856
First thing I do is get someone who can actually write to run this train wreck of quest. To bad anyone with decent writing skills would never touch this turd.

search for Reginald/Carmine via sounds of massive destruction

>>9619856
Do we have the Magician costume with us, or can we pull it our of our ass(which seems to have a pretty substantial holding capacity)?

>>9619856You just raped a headcrab to death, but what about Koyomi?

>>9619841

>>9619905

You know, I would get upset at comments like this, but I have a secret weapon now.

Pic related.

-----

>>9619918
>>9619916
>>9619908
>>9619902
>>9619890

So to answer your questions: you can activate the Magician Costume at any time. Just like RPG characters can hold 99 potions in their ass, so can you!. :D

As for finding Reginald and Carmine, right now you can't hear jack or shit. However, there is a dead houndseye nearby, and Koyomi is poking it with a stick and making muttering noises.

I believe we were on our way to the armory. Reginald may have had the same thought and headed there. I say we continue on.

>>9619953

Why don't you do the world a favor and die of alcohol poisoning?

>>9619972
to the armory!

Man, trolls are really out tonight.

>>9619972
Seconding this.

>>9619953
EQUIP MAGICIAN SUIT

You just said we can access this stuff, lets do it.

Any combat applicable magic?

>>9619972
THE ARMORY IT IS!

ROLL FOR RANDOM ENCOUNTER!

> 4

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK THAT MEANS, SO I'M GONNA MAKE SOMETHING UP OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD INSTEAD.

As you and Koyomi head down to the armory, you start hearing voices over the intercom system. They are incoherent, but they seem to be mumbling something about a "FREE MAN." You're not exactly sure what that means.

>>9619953
So I am guessing that comment hit close to home then? To be honest I am surprised, I didn't think you would be able to honestly look at your writing. But then again, if you do take an honest look at what you write, why have you continued this abomination for so long?

>>9620040
because you're the only one who doesn't like it.

Also how the hell did I fall so far behind on this quest. looks like this is going to be another night spent in the archives.

>>9620038
Doesn't really effect us at this point. Continue to armory.

>>9620038
ignore cries for help in search of weaponry.

>>9620040

Honestly? Because I don't give a shit. 80% of everything IS crap, and honestly, I'm happy to be average :D

-----

>>9620025
As a reminder, the Magician Suit allows you access to three abilities: Magic Missile (causes damage) Shield (protects from damage) and Ritual Magic (allows you the ability to read and cast magic from tomes and books.

>>9620038
Facepalm a bit then keep moving.

I assume Koyomi isn't getting distracted and moving too far away from us, right?

>>9620077
>>9620070
Long story short, you continue your way down towards the armory, looking up and down random corridors as interesting things happen all around you. What kind of interesting things? I don't know. If you really wanted tons of references to Half-Life, go play the goddamn game, I'm just here to write bad excuses for fap fiction.

-----
On your way down to the armory, however, you come across a wall with a red light blinking on it. Koyomi shakes her head. "We can't go through there," she says. "That one's sealed with a retina scanner."

"Can't you unlock it?"

"I'm just a grad student. I'm not authorized," she admits.

>>9620115
Looks like we need to "borrow" a scientist.

>>9620115
find a dead person who's authorized, take their retinas

>>9620137
"We could do that," Koyomi admits, "Or we could go around."

"Around?"

"Through the Hazard Course. I think that comes out on the other end."

>>9620115
See if we can retrieve an eye from the corpse of John Freeman?

>>9620115
Either break the fucker down, or go grab some retinas.

>>9620151

"Hazard", as in "Dangerous"?

well, whatever. If we don't see any scientist corpses on the way to it, then we'll put on our robe and wizard hat and start to kick some Hazard arse.

>>9620115
"Do you know any chemistry? Let's make some explosives."

>>9620115

Magician Suit.

Could repeated magic missile blasts knock down the door?

>>9620153
>>9620164
>>9620150
>>9620137

Sadly, you see no dead scientists. Seems all corpses in Black Mesa vanish after a few minutes, especially if you leave the room, for some reason. You're not sure why.

>>9620188

Koyomi considers. "Well, if we had flour, we could try for a dust explosion, or we could try to make our way to the cleaning supplies cabinet and see what we can make from that," she says. "Although I'm not sure what you can do with ammonia and bleach."

>>9620078
Ah ok, I see.

You are happy with having low standards because that is what you see around you, or because you think that is enough for your audience.

Can you tell me this, when does the main character win everything for ever? Or better yet, when is your next gratuitous display of fan service? That is the purpose of poorly written fapfiction isn't it, the fan service?

>>9620232

Hazard course is our only option, then.

"So, what kind of hazards do you guys keep in there...and why do you even have it at all?"

>>9620226

You can try, of course, although after a while you'll wind up exhausting yourself. You're not much of a magician at the moment.

>>9620151
>Through the Hazard Course.

I'm ok with this as long as we can grab a hazard suit.

Fuck, anyone remember how to do the course?

>>9620232
Koyomi doesn't know how to make chlorine gas? I question her scientist credentials. Did we ever check on her references

>>9620252

Dude, think about this. OP took the Maid RPG (which has been nothing but the butt of /tg/'s jokes since we heard of it) and turned it into something awesome. Considering what he had to work with, this is a fucking accomplishment.

>>9620252

And you're here arguing over the internets with someone writing poorly written fap fiction and trying to raise them to fine art and a modicum of skill! :D

On 4chan :D

You think about that for a moment, plz :3

-----
>>9620280
>>9620278
>>9620262

"Let's head to the hazard course, then," you say to Koyomi.

"All right, it's this way," Koyomi says. She leads you down a side hallway to a freight elevator. Getting inside, she presses a button. A few minutes later, the freight elevator starts to rise. . .

>>9620232

"Around, then. If there's too much Bleach we'll lose our backgrounds and get attacked from behind all the time."

>>9620301
I guess if pleasing a few japanophiles by taking something that could be found in any anime fanfiction forum and making it interactive is "something awesome," then sure, he sure did accomplish something.

>>9620316

As the elevator finally arrives, you find yourself in a darkened corridor. Up ahead there is a holograph plinth.

An image of a young woman in a white lab coat appears. "Welcome to the Black Mesa Hazard Course, where you will be trained in the use of the holographic environment suit! I am your holographic assistant! Let us begin by stepping into your hazard suit. You will see it suspended ahead of you."

You have no idea what the fuck she's talking about. There are no hazard suits suspended from anything.

>>9620351

u mad?

>>9620356


Well shit. How long does Shield last? If its longer than 1 minute, cast it on us and Koyomi.

>>9620356
I really want to say "Step inside Koyomi", but eh.

Look around, see if there's any cabinets or whatever here.

>>9620356
Well shit. Maybe we can do it without the suit? I dunno, never played the original Half-Life. FULL SPEED AHEAD!

>>9620374
Shield is basically a "Free Hit." It means that the first time you are damaged, you will ignore that hit.

Cast it now?

>>9620397

Yes, on bith of us. We should progress until it becomes obvious we can't go any furhter without the suit. Then try for a vent shaft or something.

look up

>>9620397

Yes.

Can we stack multiple shields?

>>9620316
Correct me if I am wrong, but I don't think there has been anything argued yet. I am criticizing your writing, and you have responded with a "Yeah I know its bad but so is everything else here."

I do believe we have not disagreed yet.

>>9620423
I think what he's saying is the disagreement is that you seem to be trying to hold something on 4chan up to a standard that the rest of the world would go by. Which is silly. Or perhaps reasonable, but doomed to fail. Now have some porn, and just block Maid Quest if it bugs you that much. Isn't that hard to do.

>>9620414

You look up. You see the ceiling. It's not really all that interesting. You see some fluorescent lights and a bare concrete ceiling is all.

>>9620411
You take a moment to pull a small moleskine book from your pocket and flip through it.

"What is that?" Koyomi asks.

"It's some. . . some notes," you explain. "After that business with my uncle, I decided to do some studying. . . I'm not very good with magic right now, but maybe it will help."

You take a few minutes to study the eye-wrenching runes you've jotted down in your note book then, in a raspy voice that nearly gets you coughing up blood saying it, you wave your hands around a bit and say some magic words. There is a brief blue glow, which settles around you and Koyomi for a bit before dissipating.

> MAGIC CHECKS MADE IN SECRET

"Did it work?" Koyomi asks.

"Not sure. I guess we'll find out."

You proceed across the catwalk to the next door. After a moment, it opens.

A hologram of a young woman appears. "Moving in your hazard suit can be disorienting at first," she drones on, blah blah blah blah blah. . . you ignore her and continue down the hallway, through a needlessly crooked catwalk needlessly suspended over raw sewage, and down towards the next section.

>>9620356

Ask Koyomi whether she knows where the suits might be.

>>9620471

Got to keep on moving, moving. I got to keep on moooooving...

>>9620471
Cover nose from the smell, keep walking.

rolled 64 = 64

>>9620471
Wonder aloud what idiot designed this, with the raw sewage exposed. Did this person just hate OSHA with every ounce of their being or something?

You find yourself in a room with pipes. "The first move we will practice on the hazard course is basic jumping!" the hologram says cheerfully. "You will attempt to get over this set of pipes using only your run and jump commands! It helps to get a running start. Watch me, then try it yourself! :D"

Hence the first problem. . . the pipes are about four feet off the ground. I suppose if you were in powered armor, this wouldn't be so hard. . .

>>9620471
Dare Koyomi to touch the crap.

>>9620516
try yelling "abort test"

see if that clears the course

>>9620511
Yup! XD They were a video game level designer! :D

>>9620484
"So. . ." you ask Koyomi. "Where are these. . . hazard suits?"

"Probably being used by one of the scientists," Koyomi admits. "They're supposed to be used for hazardous experiments, but in practice, they mostly get used for stupid party tricks."

"Stupid. . . party tricks?"

"Things like breaking bottles with your bare hands, or jumping over a standing person, or kicking a football through the goal posts from the other end of the field. Stupid boy things," Koyomi sighs.

>>9620516
It's only pipes. We can fucking clamber.

>>9620516

Are the pipes above the floor? If so, just crawl under them.

>>9620549

"I know what you mean. Parties and soccer are a waste of SCIENCE."

See if we can win some points with her.

>>9620549

This is easy with 2 people. stand on each other's shoulders, and then pull the submissive one up after the other one is on the pipe. Not hard until we hit long-jumps.

>>9620455
But why would you not strive to do the best that you can? Or at least to have a little bit of pride in what you are doing?

I certainly was not expecting him to just come out and say that his horrid writing was fine because that is all that is expected from his audience. He fully answered my question when I thought he was going to dodge my comment or to defend what he was doing. I guess there isn't anything really left to say.

>>9620549

Well we could just crawl under / climb over the pipes.
Alternatively we could put our glorious athletics 3 to use.

>>9620589

Then stop talking already, please.

>>9620536
You yell, "ABORT TEST!"

There is a grinding noise. . . then the lights above the hazard course change color from red to white.

The image of the hologram appears before you. "You have chosen to abort the Black Mesa Hazardous Environment Course. Please note that any scores recorded during this attempt will not be noted down on your permanent record, and will not count towards your qualification to wear the Mark IV Hazardous Environement Suit. Good Day."

And with that, all the doors in front of you open up.

>>9620603

...Well, fuck.

Surreptitiously look and see if Koyomi is impressed with our common snese.

>>9620589
I have to say, this is oddly reasonable of a chat. Most sagers just spam insults. Here, have more tits for your pleasure. Unless you're gay or a girl. In which case, I've got nothing.

>>9620589
Young man, you are on the anus of the internets, reading a thread that is being written off the cuff by a half-drunk nerd sitting at home fapping desperately to anime porn while other lonely nerds sit around and make encouraging noises. If you were expecting quality from this, I hate to think what your life will be like, because you will be sorely disappointed in the mediocrity of every day existence :3

>>9620603
For once the reasonable option works?

>>9620626

Wait, only HALF drunk?

>>9620635
>>9620615

You give Koyomi a look, and shrug. "Well," you murmur. "Whatever works."

Koyomi sighs. "Cutting the gordian knot. Not a bad idea."

You wind up climbing above some other small pipes, through another huge one, and head up a ladder.

And now comes the problem. You see a huge pit filled with toxic sludge. In the center of the pit is a single island. . . there is no ladder on the other side of the pit.

Koyomi shakes her head. "Well, if we could get across, I think we'd be fine," she sighs.

>>9620600
Why does it bother you? This isn't your work, this criticism doesn't reflect on you. I guess I am just surprised that this is the state /tg/ when someone comes on here to create something and just goes "Meh, I know its bad and I don't care because that is what they expect."

>>9620668

Search immediate surroundings for useful objects.

>>9620668

Yell out "ABORT RETARDED ARCHITECURE!", see what happens.

>>9620618
Luckily for you I am both gay and a girl, so we're square.

>>9620603

Proceed with caution, keeping our ASS CANNON ready.

Also, I forgot this before.

OONST OONST OONST

>>9620688

Aside from a (probably bulletproof) glass window behind you, you don't see much in here. No useful planks or anything. You do, however, notice that the wall on either side does have a small (like, maybe two or three inch) lip extending from it.

>>9620668
Ask her is she knows the nearest place we can find enormous amounts of sheet metal to construct an improvised bridge. Or if she suddenly has Jesus water walking powers.

>>9620710

Obviously an invisible ledge extends another two feet from the edge of the visible projection. Test this with one foot.

>>9620668

Find a stick or pole, cast shield on it, dip in sludge. See how long the shield holds up before it dissipates.

Magical scientific method, bitches.

>>9620710

We're barefoot, IIRC, so this might be an iffy idea. Also exactly how much clothing is Koyomi missing from her tentacle ordeal?

>>9620723
this

>>9620668
Any chance we could make the jump?

>>9620740

I said TEST it. Which means we wouldn't put any weight on it, you dumbfuck.

>>9620748

And I wasn't responding to you, also dumbfuck.

>>9620752
>>9620748

Your little catfight aside, even testing that close to virulent toxic sludge with bare feet is probably a bad idea.

>>9620716

"I guess, maybe we could go back and try to tear up part of the catwalk," Koyomi says. "Or we could try and tear off the ladder or something."

>>9620721

4+ SAVING THROW VS VIDEO GAME PHYSICS!

> 5

SUCCESS! Oddly enough, you find that there is indeed an invisible force field extending about six inches out from the wall. If you walk slowly and carefully, you might be able to make your way along the ledge and head to the other side. If you're lucky, and it doesn't disappear halfway across, of course.

>>9620723

You try casting Shield on a stick. It doesn't seem to work. Apparently it only works on living creatures or something?

>>9620772

Knew it would work. Cross slowly, us first, testing every step before putting our weight on it. If worse comes to worse, we can edge along a ledge with our feet flush to the wall and our arms gripping the wall.

>>9620740

Re: Koyomi's clothing: she is currently wearing panties, a tattered shirt, and not much else. Oh, and her glasses. Also, the button-up shirt is missing a few buttons, meaning that you can basically see that A: she doesn't wear a bra, and B: she wears white panties with little strawberries on them.

>>9620746
Here goes: the jump is a 6 difficulty Athletics test. You can make it on a 2+ on a d6. Koyomi requires a 3+

>>9620626
I suppose you could call it the anus of the internet when you are flooding it with a shitty threads like this. I happen to like 4chan, and /tg/ and was hoping to either spur you to better writing or at least to make you pause and think about what you have written. But your "Its bad because that is all they want comment" blew me away. Wasn't really expecting that.

Well played.

>>9620804

I vote ledge.

>>9620772

I'm inclined to try using the ladder. That way, we can get back up a bit easier.

>>9620804
>little strawberries on them.
D'aw.

>>9620804

Delicious. Mention vaguely at some point that we have a strange desire to eat fruit. Although preferably not while we're engaged in death-defying ledge-jumping.

>>9620809
You know, at this point I'm certain you're a troll.

If it really bothered you you would have moved on by now.

Or perhaps you're the same faggot raging about there being a trap maid. Except that's fixed now, so everyone should shut up about it.

>>9620804

Jump seems to have good odds.

...anyone remember this level from the game?

>>9620772
Use the magic invisible ledge and hope reality doesn't reassert itself!

>>9620854

For now.

We're getting our trap back.

>>9620809
I'm not playing anything :D I happen to be having fun doing this, but I can see why people would rage over it, and honestly, I kinda don't care. I just wish you'd let us enjoy our stupid off-the-cuff retarded fun and not try to turn this into something with actual quality behind it.

Which, if it were, I'd certainly not be doing as a "Quest" on 4chan directed by Anonymous, I'd be spending actual time and energy on it, instead of haw haw hawing it up between sips of a gin and tonic.

ANYWAY

-----
2 votes for ledge, one for ladder, one for jumping.

>>9620888
eh, I'll vote for ledge

>>9620862
I don't think it's from the game.

Either that or it's the part where you have to long jump in the Hazard Course.

>>9620883
Seconded. Fuck the homophobes, we'll restore her to full capacity and then give her exactly what she wants.

>>9620888
MAGIC LEDGE. Clearly this is some Last Crusade shit going down here. Now we just need to wonder why a bunch of scientists would build a perspective trick like this into a sewer...

>>9620888
another for ledge

>>9620910

Shits and giggles? That seems to sum up most of Black Mesa's layout and contents.

MAGIC LEDGE IT IS!

You shimmy your way along the invisible ledge carefully, moving along it bit by bit, keeping your balance by putting your back up against the wall as Koyomi follows. . .

> Athletics Checks: NO PROBLEM

Although there are a few close calls, you manage to carefully balance your way across the pit. . . only to find a second one almost exactly like the first. . . except this one doesn't have an invisible ledge sticking out from it, upon checking. :P

>>9620941
railroadan gaems.

FLYING GODDAMN LEAP IT IS.

ledge.

In fact... bring the ladder with us on the ledge, use it for balance like a tight-rope walker and as insurance in case the ledge suddenly ends.

>>9620854
Is wanting someone to write better really trolling? Is it trolling to want to to see your board improve and not decay into the cesspool that other boards on here have become?

>>9620941

Is there anything else readily apparent about this new Pithole?

>>9620941
Use sheer force of will to grow a biological jetpack. OR, flying leap. That works too.

>>9620951
You know what? You win. I give up.

Good night, everyone.

>>9620951

It is when you're trying to do it to what amounts to a glorified drinking game.

>>9620968
You have to be kidding me.

You're going to let one dedicated troll win?

>>9620910

I read that as MAGIC FRIDGE!

Pic related.

>>9620968

0_o

>>9620951
You're not trolling. I mean, you're saying things that we don't want to hear and don't care about, if you are a troll, you're very reasonable. In any case, pic related.

>>9620951

You fucking FAGGOT.

I find out there is an update today, I wait two fucking days, and you FUCK IT UP.

>>9620951

Oh Fuck you.

>>9620981
Please don't do that.

>>9620968
*looks left*

*looks right*

Is he gone?

>>9620993

He's gonna keep hatin, because he's a sad, lonely man who hates anyone else having fun.

Because he was raped repeatedly as a child by a clown.

>>9620989

o_0

>>9620993

I HAVE A MANCRUSH ON YOU

PLEASE DON'T GO

>>9620968
God damn. I thought you were this unflappable GM, but here you get defeated by one troll. Is it that hard to ignore any post with a blue name?

>>9620993
No, and he never will be.

I mean, last time it was the guys bitching about Kat now it's this.

Learn to ignore the trolls and just about every board gets better, even /v/.

I think you need to find a balance between drunk and not drunkenness, lest you end up taking the internet too seriously.

>>9620993

slowclap.jpg

>>9620993
He was never here.

NOW GET ON WITH IT

>>9620978
Magic fridge? Does it protect from atomic blasts too?

>>9621018
>>9621012
>>9621006
>>9620989
>>9620988
>>9620985
>>9620984
>>9620981
>>9620975

Sorry about that :P This was me being a bit of a troll myself. 10 XP for putting up with my mean joke.

>>9621025
No, only regular lead fridges do that.

In other news, Indiana Jones was raped. More at 11.

>>9620968
I would rather you just stop and take a bit of time and examine what you are doing, and at least make an attempt to improve.

>>9621032
Eh. To be honest you're a better writer than I ever could be. Although you do lose points for what could be seen as an attention grab.

Check for ledges in the new pit.

If no ledges, go get ladder.

>>9621049
Well, after tonight he's gone for pretty much a week anyway, most likely. Maybe all this derailing and trolling but not trolling will inspire something in the man. Or not. In any case, GET ON WITH IT!

>>9621053
Oh. You meant giving up. Nevermind. Carry on. What were we doing again? Outside of getting railroaded into a jump?

>>9621049

>>9620993

:D

>>9621069
Is he? Do elaborate. I missed the last like, five or six threads. Almost missed this one, would have if I hadn't gotten tired of playing the Reach Beta.

Screw it, we DIVE. Because we are MANLY.

Can we, like, look around and see if we can plan out a better path through the area? Maybe have Koyomi sit on our shoulders to look around if we have to (And let her surreptitiosly rub her crotch on our head.)

Okay, this is getting boring. First rule of when something gets boring. . . ADD NINJAS! OR AN EXPLOSION OR SOMETHING!

-----
As you're standing on the ledge debating what to do next, you hear a scream coming from up ahead.

A moment later, Sister Carmine, clad in the iridescent black bodysuit she normally wears under her powered armor, comes tumbling down a flight of stairs. She has an MP-5 submachinegun in each hand and she's shooting at something around the corner.

>>9621049
you're worse than he is

he's providing enjoyment for several people

you're just disrupting it

>>9621111
jump check, are we capable of crossing for support?

>>9621138
Easily, you'll make it on anything but a one. :)

>>9621111
God damn it all, we can't let our angry maid get shot at without us moving to help! WE JUMP!

>>9621111
um.. wow I'm not sure there is an appropriate response to that image. Masturbate?

>>9621111

Carmine is RUNNING?!

Oh, this is srs. Quick, swan-dive to where she is!

>>9621111

Can we Toss Koyomi, then jump ourselves? Or is it too far? Or can she make the jump?

>>9621146

DON'T SAY THAT

>>9621111

Jump, circle around the door, use it for cover. Help Carmine shoot whatever she's shooting. Yell for Koyomi to hurry the fuck up after us.

>>9621161
You can try, but it will be one turn before you can jump yourself. During that time, Koyomi and Carmine will be on the other side with. . . whatever is coming. =O

>>9621161

Tossing Koyomi is a great mental image. I say we do it.

>>9621172

Leave Koyomi behind for now.

We aren't losing any more maids to stupid ideas.

>>9621172

Go ourselves first then. Koyomi to follow if she's confident.

>>9621172
Then we better jump first. Can we tell her to wait for us to deal with it and then we'll try to catch her/save her if she slips up?

>>9621146
Well now your just being cruel

Ask her if she'd rather jump herself, or get an assist from you. Either way, move her.

>>9621172
we go first, we can always come back and pick her up after the fight

>>9621178
With our luck, we'd roll a one on the tossing check and she'd go face first into the radioactive sludge. But with any luck, she might gain superpowers or turn into the She-hulk or something. I say we do it!

>>9621178

Agreed. Throw Koyomi and jump right after her.

OKAY ROUND 1!

You are jumping! ATHLETICS CHECK!

> 2 x 3 =6

SUCCESS! You easily leap to the other side, and although you stumble a bit, you manage to roll on the landing and run to the side of the young lady dual wielding submachineguns.

As you turn, you notice that she is firing up at a ledge above you. Meanwhile, some hologram is mumbling something about a long-jump unit. . .

What you see Carmine shooting at is. . . well, pic related.

-----
KOYOMI ATTEMPTS TO JUMP TOO!

> Athletics check: 3 x 2 = 6.

She manages to leap across and rolls a bit awkwardly on the landing. . .

CARMINE OPENS FIRE WITH HER GUNS, SCREAMING "FOR THE EMPEROR!"

> 6 vs 12
> 15 vs 12

She manages to score on the creature with one burst, the other goes wild, mostly because she's dual weilding SMGs!

>>9621214
Or it could kill her.

We're dealing with video game physics here, remember? That shit killed you quickly in a hazard suit. How's a half-naked girl going to survive it?

We gotta think this through for once. The last couple of times we jumped to action we got Samantha probed and the whole Kat/Alicia incident happened.

>>9621032
Oh, never mind. I get it. You are doing this for the ego thing. To be the center of attention, even if posting on an anonymous image board. That is what you readily admitted to the poor writing, that is why you don't care to improve. As long as you have people paying attention to you, you are fine.

Well I do take back my words urging you to improve your writing, clearly they were wasted on you.

>>9621247
As long as it gets you to leave me the fuck alone, sure. :)

>>9621233

WE CAST MAGIC MISSILE AT THE THING

And then shoot it with our ass cannon.

>>9621233

Yell "THE FREEMAN IS HERE! FOLLOW FREEMAN!"

>>9621233
Time to pull out the old death ray

>>9621233
Is there any cover? Vortigaunts were a BITCH without armor. Either way snag one of the MP5s away from Carmine, she's just going to waste all the ammo anyways.

>>9621233

See if we can get one of the SMGs from Carmine- her shooting is missing half the time, and at least she won't have to deal with double the recoil.

Also, if this thing is tough, I suggest "redeploying to a more defensible position".

>>9621238

No, Sam's anal adventure happened because we over-thought the situation.

>>9621233
I guess we start shooting at whatever the hell it is, then. We do still have our assgun, so that should work.

Choices are: Assgun, Deathray, take an MP5 from Carmine?

>>9621293

MP5

>>9621255

What do we roll for ray gun?

>>9621293

Use Assgun, give deathray to Koyomi. The more shots, the better.

>>9621293
MP5 would earn us bigger points with Reggie at the end of this.

I vote MP5. Also, hoping he kept that AA-12 for us since we fucked up and got knocked out.

>>9621293

Death ray.

Or...

Do we still have the death ray on us? I forget.

>>9621293

Good old trusty assgun.

>>9621309
Same as normal gun, but it deals straight damage instead of being resisted by Athletics.

God help you if you roll a 1, though.

>>9621293
MP5, NOW WE CAN SOLVE UP TO 800 PROBLEMS A MINUTE!

>>9621331
ass gun

yell "i ain't gonna die before i eat some strawberries"

Ah, fuck. I'm crashing. Got finals tomorrow. Today. What have you. Good luck with the troll, OP, and I'll see you next week or whenever Maid Quest is back.

>>9621358

Wink at Koyomi when we say this.

>>9621370
It'll be either Friday or Saturday.

>>9621382

Perfect- now time to fix my schedule.

>>9621373
>>9621358
Despite the fact that the other choices were outvoted, I'm gonna go with this one because it's the most entertaining. . .

-----
You draw the .38 you keep in your ass (seriously, see your proctologist about that), and open fire at the monster! "I AIN'T DYIN' UNTIL I GET A CHANCE TO EAT SOME STRAWBERRIES!" you shout.

> Koyomi's cunning check to figure it out: 15

You give Koyomi a wink. . . she flushes bright red and yells, "BAKA!" as she covers up her face. . . which, by the way, takes up her turn for this round. :<

CARMINE CONTINUES TO BLAZE AWAY AT THE VORTIGAUNT WITH ALL THE ACCURACY OF AN ELITE SOLDIER OF THE 41ST MILLENIUM!

> 6 vs 15
> 15 vs 18

. . . WITH ALL THE ACCURACY OF A SOLDIER OF THE 41ST MILLENIUM!!

VORTIGAUNT SAYS SOMETHING INCOHERENT AND RAISES ITS ARMS, FIRING GREEN LIGHTNING AT HER!

> 6 VS 12

Carmine shouts as she catches a bit of the lightning bolt! She is flung back and slams against the back wall, groaning in pain!

MP5. Let's make some vortiguant jerky.

>>9621435
umm, could you not railroad? thats what we wanted

>>9621435

You forgot to roll for our attack.

>>9621435
>You draw the .38 you keep in your ass (seriously, see your proctologist about that)

We're just getting ready for Kat, that's all.

Joking aside, FIRE FOR FUCK'S SAKE. AIM FOR THE EYE.

>>9621435

Everything but the asscannon, I'm good with. I want that fucking MP5.

>>9621435

Shoot it until it dies from it. Pick up an MP5 if Carmine dropped one.

Tell Koyomi to see to Carmine. She's an anime scientist, she probably knows how to plug a wound.

>>9621490

Ah, whatever, bitching is trolling.

Shoot the fucker, try to hit the gun. Alternativly, get to Carmine, and take her gun, singular.

>>9621503
The gun?

Vortigaunts shoot electricity...

Electricity generated from themselves.

>>9621435

Shoot it.

>>9621468
You're right, that was rather shitty of me. forgiveness please!

also, rolling for your attack. . .
> 18 vs 12
> 9 vs 12
> 15 vs 6

. . . END RESULT is 11 damage in total!! The VORTIGAUNT FALLS OVER AND FLINCHES IN PAIN!

"CARMINE!" you shout, "TOSS ME THE MP-5!"

Carmine slides you one of the two SMGs from where she lays slumped against the wall. . . it slides along the ground towards you, and you scoop it up with a diving grab before coming back up and opening up on the vortigaunt. . .

> 15 vs 6

. . . and BLOW IT'S FUCKING HEAD OFF RAWR.

>>9621532

Reload all weapons we can, see to Carmine.

>>9621532
covering the hallway, move back to check on carmine

>>9621532
>RAWR

>>9621532

Fuck yeah, if only Reginald could have seen that.

"CARMINE YOU USELESS FUCKING BITCH-CUNT, WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF SMURF CAN'T SHOOT BETTER THAN A FUCKING FAT NERD?"

Turn to Koyomi.

"Don't happen to know first aid, do you?"

>>9621573
Dude, she's from the 40k verse. Not only that, she's an Angry Marine. If we yell at her enough she'll act like nothing happened.

Therefore, "SUCK IT UP, CARMINE YOU USELESS SLUT, ONE HIT FROM SOME LITTLE OL' LIGHTNING AND YOU GONNA LICK YOUR PUSSY WOUNDS? YOU SAW ME BREAK OUT OF FUCKING HELL, AND KICK YOUR ASS IN THE PROCESS. IF YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A SHITFAILURE ON ME RIGHT NOW LET ME KNOW SO WE CAN LEAVE YOUR PUSSY ASS HERE!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nTbL5elVXrU&feature=related

>>9621573
>>9621558
>>9621543

As you turn to Sister Carmine, she gets unsteadily to her feet, groaning. "Damn," she mutters. "That hurt. . ." Aside from being dazed a bit from the impact, she seems fine.

>>9621573
We don't have an adrenaline syringe?
Those fix everything.

>>9621563

>>9621638
>>9621573

"WELL, FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!" Carmine screams. She gets up and runs at you, grabbing your thin hospital gown by the collar. "I'VE BEEN LOOKING THROUGH THIS ENTIRE WARPED-UP COMPLEX TRYING TO FIND YOU, YOU FUCKER!? DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO FIND A DECENT WEAPON AROUND HERE? THIS SHIT DOES EVEN LESS DAMAGE THAN A GODDAMN IMPERIAL GUARD LASGUN!" She throws the MP5 she was holding at the wall angrily. "SO FUCK YOU, FUCK THIS PLACE, AND FUCK YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR FATHER AND YOUR FUCKING UNCLE TOO!"

> Carmine Heals 4 Stress.

>>9621694

Good, you're back to normal.

Now SHOVE YOUR BITCHING UP YOUR SHIT-CHUTE, DRIBBLEDICK, WE NEED TO FIND YOUR ARMOR AND REG AND GTFO.

>>9621694
NOW THAT YOU"RE BACK UP WHAT'RE YOU STANDING AROUND FOR?!?

MOVE OUT

>>9621708
and the sphere

>>9621694
"EAT MY DICK BITCH, AND PICK UP THAT FUCKING MP5! IF YOU COULD FIRE A BOLTER PERIOD YOU COULD FIRE A FUCKING MP5 ACCURATELY, WHY THE FUCK IS MY BUTLER STILL TRAINING ME AT THIS SHOOTING SHIT AND I'M STILL BETTER FUCKING SHOOTING AT BITCHES?"

>>9621694

ACT LIKE A MARINE YOU WEEPY BITCH

>>9621708

Thatt reminds me; Koyomi, did you happen to find the sphere before everything went to shit?

Once we're at the armory ask Koyomi if she knows a route from there to the where the sphere we originaly came here for is supposed to be.

>>9621708
>>9621713
>>9621728
>>9621748

"WELL, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, AND FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU!!!!" Carmine howls. She picks up the MP5 and starts climbing up the ladder. "AND FOLLOW ME, YOU ASSCUNT, I KNOW HOW TO GET OUT OF THIS SHITHOLE!!!!?"

"What about your armor, and Reginald? Oh yeah, and the whole reason we came here. . . the SPHERE!?"

"THE FUCKING SPHERE'S IN THE FUCKING MASS SPECTRO-FUCK CHAMBER!" Carmine rages. "THAT GLASSES WEARING CUNT-NUGGET FOUND IT AFTER YOU KNOCKED YOURSELF OUT LIKE A PUSSY ON SOME FUCKER'S BUCKET OF BLOOD!?"

"And Reginald?"

"HOW THE CUNT SHOULD I KNOW?"

>>9621779
What WAS in the Sphere again? Is it worth the trouble? I mean, it seems like we're going HL/2 route at this point.

Being rich/trolling maids ain't gonna matter shit in the 7 Hour War.

>>9621789

HURRY YOUR FAT ASS UP THE LADDER AND LET'S FIND REGINALD, WOMAN.

>>9621797
It will if we get appointed administrator.

>>9621789
"OF-FUCKING-COURSE YOU WOULDN'T KNOW, HE'S MORE FUCKING ANGRY MARINE, LET ALONE REGULAR SPACE MARINE THAN YOU EVER COULD HOPE TO BE YOU FUCKED UP HALF-ELDAR HALF-VAMPIRE PIECE OF SHIT."

Move on with her, of course.

Seems to be doing a wonderful job of keeping her in place.

>>9621803
>>9621797
>>9621789

You climb up the ladder after Carmine. . . and because I'm bored of this, you find yourself climbing through a wall blasted into rubble and standing in a hallway with a huge sign reading, "ANTI-MASS SPECTROMETER THIS WAY."

>>9621814
>lowering the fertility rate
>make deals with the Combine to keep our maids, build ultra-awesome new Citadel-Mansion
>have sex with them
>Televise it a few times
>troll the whole goddamn city, hell likely the world after the Combine are through with it.

...I like the way you think.

>>9621843
See if we can hear a Bren gun. Shout out for Reg, Carmine makes stealth useless anyways.

>>9621863
Shouldn't we look around as well? Make sure there's no Vortigaunts around to shock us in the back.

...or no Headcrabs to make love to ~ <3

>>9621843
... Well, that's convenient.

Off we go!

>>9621880
>>9621863

And again, because I'm bored of this, you hear a British voice down the hallway shouting something as a Bren Gun opens fire.

A few minutes later, you see Reginald come back around the corner, carrying his Bren Gun under one arm. He is dragging something behind him: it looks like a big, cyborgish sort of thing with a third arm sticking out of its chest.

"Terribly sorry, young master," Reginald says, "I'm afraid that I had a spot of bother with this thing. It decided to shoot bees at me. I'm glad to see that you found the ladies."

>>9621845
We will start off each morning by masturbating in front of THE WORLD.

>>9621923
"Bees?...BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!"

See if we can't remove the Bee Gun and use it ourselves. Nothing like shooting BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES.

>>9621923
Is that what the sphere turns into?

Because he just kicked the shit out of what was basically a Terminator, if so.

About par for the course for him though, come to think about it.

>>9621923

Did he just take out a Gargantua?

Without explosives?

Jesus fuck...

>>9621923
good afternoon reg, we seem to be more or less good here, happen to know where my shotgun and carmines armor is?

as well as what the hell that thing is?

>>9621957

New thread.

Someone else archive this one, please. I know it's made of fail, but I might as well keep my failure up for all posterity. :P

>>9621923
"Reginald, old bean! Smashing job, I dare say. I'm afraid I've misplaced the shotgun you gave me. Did you happen to come across it upon your way here?"

>>9621960
No. That's an Alien Soldier from HL. Had armor that made it hard to kill with ballistics, better to use explosives on them.

>>9621923

And we're planning on beating this monster in HAND TO HAND?!

Anywho, time to beat a speedy retreat.

Get the sphere from the mass spectro-fuck and let's get the hell out of here before something gets retconned.

>>9621923
Why is he dragging it around? Take the bee shooting weapon if possible, as you get a run down on the situation from his end.

HOLY FUCK IT'S MAID QUEST
LEMME GET CAUGHT UP NIGGER

Alright, it's down time for me.

Good luck with the quest, /tg/

Goshujin-Sama, I fucking love you and all you've done for me.

Is this shit autosaging?

No, but it autosages in 9 posts. New thread imminent!

This better be archived