>>28334133
Our luxuriant neckbeard, of course.

Our unwavering belief that 4th Ed D&D is the pinnacle of role-playing games.

>>28334133
Our dewy-eyed disbelief that their are others like you

>>28334138

You arise from your sheets, your luxuriant neckbeard is long enough to go past your shoulders.

You are currently hungry and groggy.
The room temperature is a tad chilly.

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>>28334193

This quest is already starting to go places.

>>28334216
You go for some meatbread

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>>28334216

fuck, forgot pic

>>28334216
What day of the week is it?

>>28334240
Pub day

brush your teeth you fool! you just woke up, jeez. morning hygiene.

>>28334320
Before your morning meatbread? I don't think so

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>>28334232

You head over to the kitchen for a breakfast of meatbread.
You grab your loaf of wheat bread and began to search your fridge for meat.

[YOUR FOOD SUPPLY IS NORMAL]
[YOUR MEATS ARE:
1 PACK OF BACON
1 POUND OF GROUND BEEF
1 PACK OF SLICED HAM
1 PACK OF SAUSAGE LINKS
1 LOG OF SUMMER SAUSAGE
frozen chicken nuggets]

>>28334233
Dogs shouldn't eat chocolate.

>>28334385
Combine all listed meats with wheat bread.

>>28334409
OH GOD HOW ARE YOU EVEN ALIVE.
at least have some oatmeal or some fruit with that.

>>28334423
This is tg, the laws of the outside world don't apply to us.

>>28334385
eat the sausage

>>28334385
go shopping and get healthy food

>>28334385
create MEAT SWORD with your meats

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>>28334448

You have a sudden epiphany, believing that since this is /tg/, the laws of the outside world doesn't apply to you.

>>28334531
If the laws of the outside world don't apply...

....maybe that means I can repost my suggestion!

>Combine all listed meats with wheat bread.

>>28334531
You go do a real life roleplaying with your fa/tg/uy buddies into town, with full costumes and everything

>>28334531
juggle the meat

>>28334540
if this is correct, then yes. Proceed to put all meat and the loaf of bread into a blender and then bake in some conveniently-shaped-loaf-box.
(though please just have one slice)
that "believing" feels like its going to be fine print thatll kick us in the teeth later on.

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>>28334540

[Gonna go ahead and consider 0's even]

You place all your meaty contents on the counter.
Shouldn't you cook the raw meat before doing anything?

>>28334638
The raw meat will be cooked in the oven with the bread, after it has been combined.

>>28334638
The laws of the outside world don't apply to is remember?

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>>28334650

You do as >>28334605 tasked you to do.

This will take a while, what do you do in the meantime?

>>28334771
Go for a walk, let's see where we live

>>28334771
Go rage at some trolls online

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>>28334798

You decide to go for a walk. You currently live in one of 4chan's many apartment complexes called a THREAD. You reside in a small POST.
At the end of the hallway is the elevator for this floor. You are on the second floor.

Proceed to elevator?

>>28334926

Fuck yiss

>>28334926
No, we need our sustenance first! We must eat the meat bread before taking on such a dangerous journey.

>>28334990
reroll for going back to grab food and then proceeding to elevator

>>28334926
You Better arm yourself, it's dangerous out there

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>>28334984

You proceed to the elevator, and hit the button for the first floor.

It seems you're not alone.

>>28335064
Start breathing heavily, occasionally moaning

>>28335064
Start reciting 40k quotes fervently like:

Sphess Mehreens! Today we have......

In the grim darkness of the far future, there is only war.

Burn the heretic, purge the unclean

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>>28335078

Your breathing and occasional moaning was quick to bother the other Anon.

>>28335146
Touch his face and ask
"Want sum candy??"

>>28335146
Stroke your neckbeard.

>>28335250
Seconded

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>>28335250

This is not helping your fellow Anon's disposition.

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>>28335382

>>28335382
Make eye contact.

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>>28335390

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>>28335402

>uuuUUAGH!

(Alright, pausing for now so I can sleep. I'll continue this later.)

>>28335418
In that case, you'll probably want this topic to still be here when you get back.

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(Back! Glad to see the thread is still alive.)

That guy must be late for work, probably too busy to have a small elevator chat.

You are now in the thread lobby.

>>28340820
Ask the anon at the table where the elf women at.

I'd say monstergirls, but our chances of scoring there are low. And it isn't rape if it's an elf.

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>>28341040

You asked where the elven women are at.

>"Not that I know of any in this building. Maybe you should try outside?"

>>28341262
We should check on the meatbread before chasing elves.

Not eating meatbread is a cardinal sin.

>>28341262
Let's look outside then.

>>28341262
It must be a ruse.

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>>28344458

You decided to look outside for Elf women.

Which direction to you take?

[Your stomache is growling, You are still hungry.]
[You are still unbathed and ungroomed.]
[You left your oven on.]

>>28345510
[Your stomache is growling, You are still hungry.]
To the nearest elven restaurant!

Our beard is fine as such, our powerful odor will attract females.

>>28345540
Check pockets while sauntering to the Elven diner

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>>28345540

It's quite a walk away and there are a few hostilities out at this hour, so be careful.

The time right now is 6:30.

>>28346147
Walk as fast as possible, while tipping our invisible fedora to any lady.

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>>28345727

Your BOXER BRIEFS do not have pockets. You currently do not hold money at the moment.

You continue to saunter on over to the nearest Elven Diner.

>>28346185
How are we going to pay without money? We may have to whore ourselves out to luscious elven maiden.

>>28346216
We may have to do dishes. I propose that we do them with our neckbeard.

>>28346216
If we have any money in our room, we're not going back to get it. We haven't gone back to get our meatbread. If we won't even go back for that, why would we go back for mere coin?

>>28346185
Though recently arrived to /tg/, we know of the ancient and storied past time of the murderhobo. This is how we will procure our coin. Go into one of the alley ways and await our prey.

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>>28346216

You very much like this plan of action, fantasizing about it on your way.

You have formed a BONER.

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>>28348792

It seems one of the near by alley ways is preoccupied already. There seems to be something going on there, as you can hear groaning and thumping.

>>28350764
Investigate.

>>28350764
Summon all the sneakiness from our beard and go investigate.

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>>28350780

You decided to carefully sneak in and investigate, keeping a safe enough distance to listen into.

It appears some of the lurkers got into a quarrel, let's hear them out.

--

>Alright, punk, here's the deal.
>Starting tomorrow afternoon, you're gonna start coughing up any spending money you have. Or else-

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>>28351529

>- OR ELSE you'll be getting more than my horn up your ass.

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>>28351550

>Give him the horn anyways, Charlotte!

---

Should you really bother with this?

>>28351573
Ask them if they saw any elf maiden around.

>>28351573
Seconding >>28351583

Rolled 52

>>28334133
don't feed your fucking dog chocolate

OP has -20 ranks in animal handling.

my pendulous gonads

>>28351583
Someone ought to have some elf bitches, if we ask around enough

inb4 our meatbread negligence burns down our entire thread

>>28351550
Bronies confirmed for the worst

>>28351573
Ask if we can also have a horn up our ass. We're sort of into that sort of thing.

>>28351746
Well, its like a free enema! Nothing like a nice clean colon.

>>28351838
But do we really want to take it up the ass from a horsefucker?

>>28351857
They are the only one giving it for free.

The sexy brown elves charge half a neckbeard for that kind of service.

>>28351875
That's a pretty good point, but can we trust the brony not to take advantage of us in our lustful state? Like, what if he shaves off our neckbeard?

>>28351928
We can turn it around on them, and charge two elven maidens for it.

>>28351928
I doubt they have the required blessed silver razor required for such an operation.

>>28351951
You have thoroughly convinced me. After he answers our current question we'll demand a horn up our ass.

>>28351983
We could even offer the spaghetti in our backpocket as a tribute.

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You asked where the elven maidens be.

>Try the nearest diner, there's usually elves working there. They're serving breakfast.

Then you proceed to demand the Unicorn girl to shove her horn up your ass. Only her seems weirded out.

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>>28352097

>Does anyone else smell smoke..?

>>28352123
If you horn me in the ass, I can probably deal with the fire.

>>28352123

My last room-mate didn't shove her horn up my ass.
So I set her on fire.
She's so hot.

Heh.

>>28352123
My bad OP
Demand with additional force that the unicorn girl shoves her horn up our ass.

>>28352123
IS OUR GLORIOUS NECKBEARD ON FIRE?

>>28352140
>>28352148
>>28352158
Flawless victory

>>28352123
Crap, the meatbread is on fire. Oh well.

Ask again for horn drill up the arse.

Then go look for dinner.

We put meat and bread in a blender, threw it in the oven, left, made a man uncomfortable with our mere appearance, ended up wandering the streets in our underwear, demanded an ass-horning from a monstergirl, and our home is now in the process of burning down.

/tg/

>>28352218

It's a thread.

-IT DESERVED TO BURN-

This thread is making me want to stick something up my ass.

I thought I was a straight male.

>>28352218
We're in the process of demanding an ass horning. Technically, she hasn't turned us down yet!

>>28352302
Yeah, we have been constipated for a while, so we really need that horning.

Who knew that a diet of meat, bread and cheese would constipate you?

>>28352367
We should also enjoy all the simple pleasures of life while we can, considering we just burned our thread down along with all of our stuff.

>>28352416
>simple pleasures of life
Good food, a nice thread, elven maiden, a good horning... what else?

>>28352416
Well, we believe the laws of the world don't really apply to use, being in /tg/ and all.

Asides, there'll be another thread to burn down soon. At least another hour.

>>28352492
A good neckbeard stroking and a vigorous game of tabletop (insert your favorite here)

So, how disgusted do you think is OP right now?

>>28352581

I'm working on the posts right now, but this is really tame compared to the stuff I look at.

>>28352581
He's as disgusted as we are not horny.

>>28352596
Well, you're giving this little anon a new fetish, so you've achieved something with this tameness.

>>28352581
The mind of the average qm is above and beyond the average fa/tg/uy in terms of eldritch horror

Why is the thought of having a horn shoved into my ass making my prostate itch?
This was never one of my fetishes.

>>28352652
Except for Angelic/Thorin from Seraph: TC

>>28352711
WHOA SHOTS FIRED

You're completely right

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>>28352654
You must roll for fetish development. It is the way of our people.

Rolled 17

>>28352770

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(I'm still working on the cutscenes.)

I DEMAND TO BE HORNED NOW

>No! I'm saving that for the Anon we just beat u-

>>28352792
I have laid claim to it, by right of my glorious neckbeard.

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>>28352792

(fuck, forgot trip. Cutscene still taking place.)

HE CAN HAVE SLOPPY SECONDS

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>>28352821

(Drawing up the rest of the cutscenes, atleast two more.)

You got her where you want her. You strip off your underwear and began to do work.

>>28352821
WAIT

IS SHE AN ELF
THIS IS REALLY ILLEGAL IF SHE ISN'T AN ELF

>>28352848
BRONYS AREN'T PEOPLE
DON'T WORRY, ANON,

Rolled 15

>>28352770

>>28352839
Stop and make sure she's okay with it. We aren't a rapist, after all.

As the original one who suggested asking for the horn, I never asked for this. I wanted nice, consensual, energetic horning from a girl who got off on penetrating men.

>>28352898
It's too late. It has already began.

>>28352910
Penetration hasn't yet occurred. It doesn't have to be this way.

>>28352790
A slight fetish. This could one day develop into yet another lustful desire preventing you from enjoying normal sex with civilized human beings. Congratulations!

>>28352821
Oh boy. Scream like a howler monkey and begin frothing at the mouth, while glaring menacingly at her compatriots. They must not interfere.

>>28352910
I am kinda afraid that the horrific scent will kill her through.

>>28352898
She has elf ears. That means that she'll enjoy it. Relax.

>>28352931
Not like this.

>>28352921
It's already too late for me to enjoy normal sex with civilized human beings.

Rolled 16

>>28352770

>>28352839
Her face cracks me up every time I look at it

OP, I enjoy the context, execution, and drawfaggery of this thread. Thank you.

I was really enjoying this until SUDDENLY RAPE. I didn't realize that asking for something meant taking it by force.

>>28353021
Calm down.
It's not like she doesn't want it.
Stop worrying.

Start thinking rationally
Come on, look at that face.
Undeniably, it's consensual.
Mostly.

>>28353064
You mean the "oh God why" face?

>>28353021
We're a creepy neck beard about to impale his ass on a unicorn grille he doesn't know. Take it as being funny.

>>28353107
But she's too adorable for me to condone bad things happening to her without her consent.

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(Thanks for keeping the thread alive, 1/2)

Before you could impale yourself on the magical phallus, you get a swift punch on the side of your face.

>GET OFF OF HER!

>>28353204
Hey, it's a step up from elf.
We went after elf because we thought we couldn't score monster girl. Hah! Look at us now!

>>28353204
Look at how determined we are. Look at that sheer animal will. We've already burned our meat bread and our home, don't take this from us

>>28353228
Form beardfist from neckbeard and retaliate

>>28353228
Offer cyclops a blowjob.

>>28353228
Use our skillful neckbeard arguing skills to coerce her into letting us impale ourselves on her horn.

>>28353241
We will win her heart at any cost!

>seconding beardfist retaliation

>inb4 this is actually happening on another board right now

>>28353228
Being unable to stand up to violence, meekly ask if we may be horned after the freshly-pulped anon.

>>28353228
Take it square in the mouth. Show no fear.
Then
>Scream like a howler monkey and begin frothing at the mouth, while glaring menacingly at her compatriots. They must not interfere.

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>>28353228

(2/2)

That hit instigated a battle! Let's RUMBLE.

You currently have the ailment of HUNGER, which cuts down your attack and defense power by half.
However, depending on Anon's disposition and first battle of the game, you are capable unlocking a secret skill. Since this is your first battle, you will be able to unlock a hunger related skill. If you do not choose now on your current position, you can choose later on another battle with a different ailment/buff.

You can either unlock that skill now, or go on with the battle until you decide to.

>>28353296
We dare not unlock the skill now. Not when we could wait until we have the ailment of HORNY.

>>28353296
>You can either unlock that skill now, or go on with the battle until you decide to.
UNLOCK SKILL NOW!
DEVOUR THE HARPY GIRL!

>>28353296
UNLOCK SKILL
ROLL FOR INITIATIVE

>>28353296
Make sure not to hurt the unicorn girl.

>>28353296
Roll to seduce. All of them. With our hunger.

>>28353296
Throw our discarded BOXER BRIEFS at the cyclops dude's eye.

He hit us first. Best case scenario, it blinds him for the battle and gives him pink eye later. Worst case we lose our underwear. We don't need it anyway.

I am mildly surprised that no one proposed anal vore or beard vore yet.

>>28353296
>That battle music
OP, you glorious bastard.

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Rolled 1

>>28353316
>>28353322

Two conflicting answers, will roll for decision. Even, You do not unlock the skill now. Odds, you unlock the skill immediately.

>>28353500
HUNGER INTENSIFIES

Let's do this CoC style, and sexily striptease until they collapse in lust

>>28353500
What skill did we unlock? Is the ability to eat foes through our glorious neckbeard?

>>28353500
>Kind of cheating here, I think.
Speaking as >>28353316, given that there were two options and that there was one non-even vote for unlock skill, I'd say unlocking on odd on 1d5 seems fair.

>>28353500
I just got here, and this is crazy, but we're fucking hungry so eat Cyclops-boy maybe?

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[1/3]

THE SKILL UNLOCKS NOW

Your stomache begins to feel sharp pain, like there are new bones being forms, as well the feeling like it's about to split open. Your skin begans to feel tingly and hardening, your fingertips dulling out then sharpening. Beads of sweat roll down your face as you breathe heavily.

As your opponents stand there wondering what the hell is happening, your jaw begins to unhinge, and you feel like you can extend your tongue to a longer length. Your teeth are in major pain as they shift and sharpen.
Your luxurious neckbeard began to grow as you go through great pain.

>>28353720
Oh god.
Are we turning into Gluttony?

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>>28353720

[2/3]

Your skin finally hardens a protective carapace, atleast on your body. Your head remains soft and human as ever. Your neck beard has lengthen greatly.
Frustrated, you rip off the last of your clothing, your t-shirt, and howled madly as the last of the pain dulls away.

Your hunger has become uncontrollable, and mere meatbread won't be able to sate it.

>>28353745
eat them.

slowly

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>>28353745

Also, you have a mouth formed on your stomache for maximum snacking. That too has a tongue. How do you poop? You'll have to find out on your own time.

The battle continues, your foes were temporarily frightened, but more determined to put you down.

>>28353756
We can't eat the unicorn or else we won't be able to satiate our anal hunger.

>>28353766
Spare the ones who swear obedience to the devourer.

And remember, Unicorn blood makes you immortal.

>>28353762
>SPECIAL
DEVOUR THE CYCLOP!

>>28353776
This is weakness.

Subjugglate them all.

HoNk.

>>28353762
Try to talk them into a peaceful resolution. Offer to eat the anon they pulped.

>>28353812
NO! We shall sate our hunger by eating the cyclop, and then sate our anal hunger with the unicorn.

>>28353839
Only if she consents!

>>28353812
I really don't think a peaceful resolution is possible.
We walked in with no pants, asked about elves, demanded Charlotte penetrate us with her horn, nearly horn-raped her, and now we just turned into some kind of all hungry unholy horror.

I'm sorry, friend. I think we have passed the event horizon. There is no peaceful resolution now.

Captcha: dsmkufa arose
I think Captcha is telling us that we have become an avatar for some elder god.

>>28353877
I'm still angling for Charlotte to willingly horn us. My dick requires it.

>>28353839
>>28353861
Only if she consents.

>>28353893
This is getting more /d/ by the minute!

>>28353896
>>28353861
She is almost an elf, so it's not required.

>>28353893
It's a possibility that she has gotten more into us.

She is on /tg/ after all. You get a new fetish every time you visit. God knows how many she has already.

>>28353910
It is not required, but I desire it all the same.

>>28353931
>Consent fetish

What the fuck is WRONG with you!?

>>28353924
We can only hope.

>>28353942
If you don't have that one, you clearly haven't been here that long.

I also wouldn't mind holding her hand or even hugging her on a cold winter night.

>>28353970
But if our face gets close to hers we'll smell our own anus

>>28353970
...damn you, now I want somebody to cuddle with in the dark, cold night...

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>>28353776

You offer to spare them if they swear obedience to you.
They reject, in fear you will devour them anyway.

>>28353812

You offer to spare them if they let you eat the Anon they pulped.

They agree and run off.

[VICTORY]

Your only prize is the beaten Anon.
What do you do with him?

>>28353910
Actually, she looks like a Satyr with a unicorn horn and elf ears.

Do we have any rules for that?

>>28353984
I'm pretty lucky in that regard with my wife. D-cups are like tiny furnaces.

>>28353992
DEVOUR

>>28353992
Become best friends.
Let him impale us.

>>28353992
Steal his money and devour him.

Then track horny girl for our horny time.

>>28353992

Eat him, but keep a bit. Might clone him. Infinite meals.

>>28353992
Demand he work with us to acquire charlotte. Or else.

He has his own reasons to go after her anyway.

>>28353992
CONSUME

>>28354008
>wanting big breasts
A cup or below

>>28354008
Too big for me. I like B or smaller.

>>28354041
>>28354046
>DFCIDF

>>28354057
Yes it is, fa/tg/uy. Yes it is.

>It's not rape if it's an elf
>It's not gay if it's an elf
Does the combination of these two things mean that, if I am fucked in the ass by a male elf without giving consent, it is not rape and I am not allowed to feel bad about it? And that I'm still straight?

>>28354134
Yeah, as long as the balls don't touch.

>>28354156
If the balls touch, is it rape, or just gay?

>>28354162
It becomes gay and you may decide to call it rape, if you are that much of a pussy.

Thank you for this thread, /tg/. I haven't laughed this much over something on here in weeks.
Also,
>>28353992
Find out what the gang wanted from him and how he got into that situation.
Then force him to serve you under the threat of being devoured.

>>28354230
This man gets it.
We need a henchman.
Even if we already decided to devour this guy, we need us a henchman.

>>28354230
I infer from the fact that they are all monsters that they are some sort of rebellious monster gang going around beating people up for money.

I update my journal

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>>28354262

>>28354230
let the minion off the hook if he offers us food. Delicious sustenance we demand.

>>28353992
Go back to apartment, devour meatbread. After devouring poor anon, while regretting not getting horned.
Also, do we still have an erection?

So, priorities:
>Devour poor anon
>Find unicorn bitch and make her horn us
>???

>>28354373
>"Do we still have an erection?"

/tg/ asks the important questions.

>>28354397
Add henchman to that list.
We need a partner in crime. Even if he is unwilling.

>>28354373
I think our threat is burning.

Lets take the poor anon's money, go to the elven dinner and then eat an elf.

>>28354417
Why not simply recruit the monstergang? Cyclops can keep watch and hench for us while Charlotte horns us and Harpy nibbles our ear.

>>28354436
Someone draw this.

>>28354436
We're not focusing on the bigger picture here, people. We're a newly mutated... er, mutant... with an insatiable hunger (for food AND horn), and right now there's only one of those we can satiate. Food and existential crisis first. Pussy and henchmen later.

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(Back. Wowee, do I have some suggestions. I won't be choosing all, but the first one and this other one.)

It is 7:30 AM, the fog lifts up. It is still a cloudy day.

>>28354018

You close in on your prize, unhinging your jaw and planting your tongue on his teary cheek as he sobs and shivers. Just when your teeth touches his flesh, he begins to beg.

>NO! PLEASE! I'LL DO ANYTHING-

>>28354230
>>28354304

You gave your demand: He serves you or he gets devoured.

The young Anon agrees.

>>28354489
For an existential crisis, I think we've taken it pretty well.
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHhhhhhoooohhhh god that felt painful. Say, you guys wanna work for me?"
"Uh, we're good dude."
"Well, hm, how 'bout I eat that guy you just beat up, and you let me go free?"
"Deal."

If we really cared, we'd be screaming, clawing at how chest mouth to see if it was real, spewing profanities, and screaming to the sky for answers to questions like "what the fuck just happened" "what's wrong with me" "what did I do to deserve this."

We probably suspected this power was within us all this time. It's only now just manifested itself.

>>28354551
go to the elven dinner then!

>>28354575
Oh, well, we have a minion now. Let's have Sobby McBitchtits buy us dinner.

>>28354551
It's 7:30 am and we have yet to devour something. We need to fix this. We need to eat meat. Maybe some bread on the side for fiber but delicious meat.

>>28354551
>Monstergang escaping in the background
B-but my waifus!

>>28354575
>We probably suspected this power was within us all this time. It's only now just manifested itself.

Roughly twelve hours ago:

>>28334605
>that "believing" feels like its going to be fine print thatll kick us in the teeth later on.

>>28354586
And plot the hunting for waifus. Does our chitin give us any wall-climbing or other 'Nid powers? 'Cause we're totally a weird biomorph at this point.

Once we are done eating, that will leave us horny? What will happen if we get into a fight while horny?

>>28354591
Yup. Elven dinner.
Then he will help us hunt Charlotte.
Our house is toast, too (heh). We'll have to crash at his place.

>>28354617
Later, mein freund.

>>28354668
Let's just call him Ghoul. I mean, seriously. We Tzimisce now.

>>28354551
Go check on your meatbread.

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Your post has been on fire since one hour ago. All your belongings, food supply and money savings are gone. The fire was put out before the thread was burned down.

You are now broke and homeless.

>>28354586

You take your new minion over to the Elven diner for his first task: Treat you to breakfast.

You two take a booth, and you explain to him that you need to find Charlotte after you eat.

>Those assholes? I'd be happy enough to show you where they live. Fuckers took all my money this morning. We share the same lurking facility.

>>28354866
You see, Charlotte....I need her inside me. She seemed eager enough to be inside you, but that's not what I need. I need her inside me.

>>28354866
Wait.
Shit.
He doesn't have the money.
Looks like it'll be a dine n' dash guys. We should probably tell him this.
We also should ask him about his domicile. We need a place to live and get horned by Charlotte.

>>28354866
>>28354918
Order, and attempt to seduce the elven waitress with our now even more magnificent neckbeard.

>>28354866
Request charlotte's location, and warn him you'll have to dash right after eating.

>>28354918
Naw, don't tell him. If you both run, they might catch you. Besides, what good is having a minion that you can't ditch as a patsy who can be forced to perform manual labor to pay off your dine n' dash tab?

>>28354947
Or we could eat the waitress instead.

>>28354933
Flip that charm on.
Again, this is /tg/, our horrible physical abnormalities could actually boost our attractiveness.

We don't know how many dudes Charlotte has horned already. Couldn't hurt to mess around a little.

Also, clitic merciless.

>>28354982
We need him to guide us to their lurking facility. If we ditch him or eat him, we need to find somebody else. Even if we asked him for directions and got rid of him, that's no guarantee: we're new here. We could get lost.

We're in it together with this poor bastard now. I wonder how long it will be until he loses his sanity.

>>28355042
Oh, I wasn't suggesting we ditch him entirely. A patsy is important to a successful unbelievable horror that should not be.

We'll come get him. After he works off our dinner.

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>>28354918
>>28354982

>I know that look on your face. If you dine and dash without me, I won't be able to help you out.

He whispers over to you, in a slight harsh tone. You threaten to devour him right here and now if he doesn't watch his tone. He shuts up, but still furrows his brow at you.

>>28355081
Try to seduce the elven waitress using our neckbeard.

>>28355081
Browse the menu.

>>28355057
I guess we could dash and leave him there.
It isn't like we need to catch Charlotte right this very instant.

We could go murder some hostiles, see if we can get some sweet loot. Come back for the dude later, have him take us to his place at the lurking facilit (I have the impression he lives there). Then we can spy on Charlotte at night like the creepy neckbeard we are.

>>28355081
Is there a tab system at this place?
Please tell me there's a tab system at this place.

If there isn't, dine n' dash, the both of us. We can kill shit together and form a bond as battle brothers, eventually collecting enough money to pay our bill. And maybe get some clothes in the process.

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"Mornin' fellas, here's yer menus! I'll come back in a bit for yer order. Didya want coffee-"

>>28355247
Yes. Black, no sugars.

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>>28355100

>Coffee would be SWELL~

>>28355247
i-is it free?

>>28355247
Yes, black. Gimme some sugar, if you know I mean

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>>28355259

".. Alrightie, I'll be right back with yer coffee."

She hurries back to the counter to fetch the pot of coffee.

>>28355269
>>28355259
Is our beard like a kitsune's tail(s) and the more[?] we have, the more power we have? Anyway, inspect menu.

>>28355269
Do you come here often?

>>28355269
it totally worked

>>28355269
Yes.
Yeeeessssssss.
Behold, the power of the neckbeard!

>>28355269
Pull her head into the neckbeard and let her enjoy heaven.

>>28355269
Flawless victory.

>>28355258
>>28355259
>>28355269
>get to work five minutes late today due to a fire in someone's post
>my drow bitch of a boss chews me out and says to not bother coming in if I'm late again
>Regular who is a notoriously bad tipper is the first customer of the day
>second is an eldritch abomination from beyond the pale
>with the most hypnotically beautiful neck fluff
>Want to touch the neck fluff
>want to wrap myself in the neck fluff
>have to excuse myself.

>>28355269
Glorious beard won victory aside, we should talk to our mate here about how we're going to pay for this. Or even if we are.

We also need to figure out where this guy lives. We need a place to stay.

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>>28355269
she wants to touch the moth mane

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>>28355282

Your beard appears to be more like fluffy mane. You can feel growth coming from the top of your chest, too.

This menu contains stuff you would normally see in any diner, but with more bread and fruit choices. There's plenty of meaty morsels on here, but since you are incredibly hungry, you plan on ordering fucking everything.

>>28355284

Oh, you are so saving that when she brings your coffee.

>>28355344

>I think my place got burnt down.

"That smoke came out of your post?"

>Yeah.

"What did you do?!"

>Left my oven on. I don't think I'll be able to live there anymore.
>Hey, you know what! I'll stay at your place.

"I don't really have a choice, do I?"

>Nope!

You already had decided to do a dine and dash, and use your new minion as a patsy.

>>28355269
Wait a sec, what if its a dude?

Elf male and females are pretty similar.

>>28355527
Who cares?
>>28355525
We'll take a blat sandwhich.

>>28355525
He said he wouldn't help us if we ditched him with the bill. Even if he can't help us this moment, we still get to collect him later, right?

Also, what's his name? If he doesn't have one, we need to name him.

>>28355525
Order bacon with a side of bacon with a light bacon glaze.

And Milk, because milk does a body good.

>>28355585
Anonymous, you shite.

>>28355585
well he can help us in the dine and dash by splitting the party. Catch 2 hares and catch neither they say. Having him dine and dash with us only increases the chances of our success.

Just make sure to get his license before we depart so we know where he lives.

>>28355626
>And Milk, because milk does a body good.
Might as well ask her to pee in her mouth. This is disgusting.
Orange juice or GTFO.

>>28355649
>ask her to pee in his mouth

That's for later anon, after we've captured her heart with our silky hypnotic moth mane

>>28355321
>>28355321
>Dumb cocktarget hashwench comes in late
>Chew her out for it
>Up all night bawling because scumbag half-ogre boytoy knocked me up
>Can't abort; the seed is strong
>Parents will disown me, probably can't keep my job.
>Hate hashwench for not being used goods
>Pray to Lolth for retribution

>>28355626
>drinking regular milk
>not drinking chocolate milk, glorious nectar of the gods

>>28355825
>Some dumb bitch gets double knocked up
>prays to me instead of taking some initiative in her own life
>laugh silently
>send a little more strife her way
>today her little greasy spoon will become a stage for the strange and unreal
>set magic TiVo to record the ensuing chaos
>Throw back another Irish Trashcan
>go back to drunkenly attempting to seduce Robert Downy Jr.
>want to see if he's just called Iron Man because of the suit.
>Life is good for Lloth

>>28355896
>Spider woman wants the D(owny Jr.)
>Try to convince her I only played a character in a movie
>Think she really thought I wad Iron Man
>Cover my ignornce with wit and charm because I' Robert Goddamn Downy Jr.

>>28355872
>adding foul chocolate to the most delicious bacon companion available

Milk needs no additives, as they only detract from its overall perfect deliciousness score. Nothing better than a frosty glass of fresh milk.

>>28355949
Maybe... but it has to be damn fresh.
Still loaded with life nourishing fat.

Bump for OP's return.

This is best thread.

>become tedBft

Captcha has bestowed our new title.

>>28358511
Bump for oddly similar reasons and to order a bacon sandwich.

>>28359210
Never have I read a thread which has made me laugh harder than this one.

'Tis glorious.

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Your elf waitress returns and pours you both coffee.

>Do you come here often?

"Every day, sugar."

>>28355626

You tell her you want an order of bacon with a side of bacon with a light bacon glaze, and a glass of milk.

>Alright, and what did you friend want?

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>>28363282

Oh yeah, what did he want? Should you bother with telling his order?

>>28363282
>>28363299
YOU'RE BACK! GET HYPE.

Order for him. He is our peon.

>>28363299
He will take nothing.

We should check if that elf is female before brutally bearding her.

>>28363299
He wants some time to think it over while he drinks his coffee.

This way we can eat and run without raising... TOO much suspicion.

>>28363395
Who cares?

>>28363519
I don't want that his tiny elven balls accidently touch our beard.

>>28363548
An elf is an elf is an elf.

>>28363548
I agree with >>28363519, >>28363567

Besides, judging from the above posts she's clearly a she, given the female pronoun and she appears to be wearing a skirt.

Welcome back, OP. This is the best quest thread in a while.

>>28363670
>Besides, judging from the above posts she's clearly a she, given the female pronoun and she appears to be wearing a skirt.
With elves you never know until its too late.

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The waitress does indeed have female traits, and you made sure to double check as she heads off to give your order.

While you wait, is there anything you want to ask/talk about with your minion?

>>28363932
Ask him what he thinks about your neckbeard. How would he describe it? Would he like to touch it?

>>28363932
Order him to grow a neckbeard.

>>28363932
Obtain our minions license so we may know his dwelling spot.

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>>28363952

>Kid.

"What?"

>What do you think about my neckbeard? What would you describe it?

"U-uh.. Fluffy? More like, neck fluff."

>Would you like to touch it?

"I'm afraid you'd b-bite my hand off if I got close to you."

>>28364087
Don't be afraid. I only eat pretty thing.

>>28363932
>Be drow bitch boss
>Leave work early
>Drive over to /pol/
>Daytime drinking at seediest bar possible

>>28364087
If he doesn't want to touch it, it will touch him.

>>28364087
Fear not, my unwilling compatriot!
I need you with hands. You can't wash dishes with a bloody stump.

>>28363932
Making an armless elf work yhe grill? Mods! Somebody call the mods!