Dear Frank,

We're terribly sorry that you were inconvenienced, but I feel that it is my duty to inform you that the Sisters of Battle no longer have possession of your melta-gun. The item in question was given to us as repayment for services rendered after the battle of Arcturia Prime.

Sincerely,
The Blood Ravens.

>>19033036
Dear Guardsman,

By the time I write this letter, you will most likely be dead already.

If you are still alive, you won't be by the end of the week. Don't drag our holy tools down in the mud with your future corpse.

Having more worth than you,
Sister Tralia

>>19033162
Dear Sister,

At least I know when to duck when the enemy whips out their heavy artillery and starts mowing down marines and sisters whole-sale.
Power armor? More like cower armor.

With utmost respect,
Sergeant Frank
P.S.
I lost my hand in close combat last week with a Khorne cultist. Now it's been replaced with a power fist.
I'm sergeant now because of it.

Dear Frank,
This is the machine spirit of the Leman Russ you "cleaned." Thanks for all the parties, jackass! There's still agri-liquor all over the interior, and you didn't dust on the top of the control levers. Do you have any idea how much that itches? Goddamnit, there's this rock stuck between my 493rd and 494th tread pins, and it really aches every time I drive over it - no thanks to YOU, asshole.

Yours, Leman Russ # 233,435,654,764,944,234,342.

PS. Fuck your multimelta.

>>19033162

Dear Sister Tralia,

The original letter was a ruse, and the act of replying has fixed your position for some of our lesser operatives. An Ork Rok should be making planetfall right about... now. Hope that melta's in good repair.

Warmest regards,

Alpharius

DEAR 'UMIES

WAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGHHHHH

>>19033235
Dear Leman Russ,
I'm sorry. I really have no excuse, I really am.
But in my defense..

...It was good agri-liquor.

Signed,
Sergeant Frank.
Cadian 205th Veterans Regiment.

>>19033244

>>19033303
Dear Frank, re my earlier letter,
Hey, don't beat yourself up about it. I get the same way with that Mars machine oil. Shiiiit, once had too much of that and the next time my engine fired up, I was sponson-deep in dead Eldar. No idea how I got there.

Yours,
Leman Russ # 233,435,654,764,944,234,342.

>>19033244
Dear Alpharius

Where the hell have you been? We all thought you were dead!

Warmest regards

Omegon

>>19033334
Dear Leman Russ,

It just occurred to me.
How the Throne are you writing these letters?

Signed,
Veteran Sergeant Frank.
Cadian 205th Veterans Regiment.

Dear Sisters of Battle,
It is going to be sunny on our next mission and my brothers and I would like something to shade our heads.
Could we borrow some of your most devout sisters to accompany us?
Sincerely, the Grey Knights
XOXOX

>>19033372
Ummm, I'm gonna go "Machine Spirit, I Don't Gotta Explain Shit" for 500 thrones.

Leman Russ # 233,435,654,764,944,234,342.

>>19033228
Dear Sergeant Frank,

My sisters and I have just finished dealing with a bunch of Orks, so I'm feeling generous. While I do not have your original melta-gun, I do have a new one to replace it.

I hope that power fist of yours is in good shape, because you will have to best me in unarmed combat in order to earn it. At least these communicae will look like more than a waste of supplies.

Seeing you soon,
Sister Tralia

P.S.
I'll remember to leave my "cower armor" at home. I wouldn't want to get Guardsman blood all over it.

Dear Chaos Sergeant Tyrus,

You remember the White Scars at Golvanus V?
We remember you.

I'm coming for you bitch,

There's no where to hide,
Master of the Hunt Kor'sarro Khan

>>19033434
Dear Sister,
I will punch you right in the testicles you wish you had.
Signed,
First Sergeant Frank,
Cadian 205th Veterans Regiment.
P.S. I just got carapace armor after my squad helped take down a tainted Chaos Landraider.

>>19033273
I don't get it, someone just smeared this thing in blood and glued teeth to it.

Dear Diary,
Today I shat myself.
They picked it up and are parading it around as a holy relic.
I fucking hate everyone.
Love,
The Big E

My Dearest Battle Brothers,

Has anyone seen my favorite cocoa mug? The one with the symbol of Ultramar on it? I believe I left it on Battle Barge Ascension to Glory while hosting a contingent of our Blood Raven comrades.

Glory to Ultramar and the Emperor!

-Captain Sagittarius, 2nd Company

>>19033356

Dearest Brother,

You KNOW that was Alpharius and not me- I mean it was another Alpharius... you get the picture.

I've been in that place doing that thing with those guys, like we planned.

Incidentally, did you ever get rid of that turbo-douche Sindri? Just saying the name makes me want to punch babies.

Standing Right Over Your Shoulder (I know you just looked),
Alpharius

Sargeant Frank

We recently received word that a sister of battle was heading to your position "without armor" and looking to engage in "unarmed combat."
I have a question for you my good man.
Have you ever considered the glorious worship of Slaanesh?

Eagerly awaiting your reply while pleasuring myself
Marius, slaneeshi cult leader

>>19033417
Dear Leman Russ,
Screw it, what variant are you?

Signed,
First Sergeant Frank,
Cadian 205th Veterans Regiment

Dear Tzeentch,

Due to the latest developments in circumstances surrounding one melta-gun, I believe I stand to collect on our wager. I am eagerly expecting my (detoxified) shipment of Slaaneshi brownies.

Yours,
Eldrad

>>19033400
Dear Grey Knights,
WHAT PART OF "GREATEST SECRET OF THE IMPERIUM" DO YOU NOT. FUCKING. GET?

YOU CAN'T SEND SIGNED LETTERS TO OTHER ORGANIZATIONS, AND YOU MOST. MOTHERTHRONING CERTAINLY CAN'T PUT TITAN'S ADDRESS ON THE ENVELOPES.

signed, Inquisitor You-Don't-Need-To-Know,Ordo Malleus

P.S. STOP FUCKING MAKING SISTER HATS. I TOLD YOU TO MAKE GUARDSMAN HATS IF ANYTHING INSTEAD.

>>19033599
Dear Inquisitor,
Grey Knights are the worst kept secret since the Ordo Chronus and Imperial Assassins

sincerely,
everyone.

>>19033567
Dear Frank,
Leman Russ Exterminator, that's me.

Yours,
Leman Russ # 233,435,654,764,944,234,342.

>>19033036
>>19033036
>>19033036
>>19033036
Frank, I know your pain.
I really, really do.
In fact... I've chronicled my own life's struggles in the appended animated GIF.

>>19033561
Dear Slaaneshi Cult Leader,
I'm probably going to get my skull blown apart by a commissar for this, but.

You can ask that question again when within range of my huge, metallic, fist.

Signed,
First Sergeant Frank.
205th Cadian Veterans Regiment.

P.S.. No, I will not be fisting you. The Emperor protects.

DEAR CHILDREN OF THE IMPERIUM OF MAN AND ASSORTED OTHER DICKHEADS,

MY SONS AND DAUGHTERS, CAN YOU PLEASE STOP THIS SENSELESS BICKERING AND DIVISION OVER THIS BULLSHIT? WE HAVE REAL ENEMIES TO FIGHT.

SERIOUSLY, SISTER, YOU SHOULD JUST GIVE THE MELTAGUN BACK ALREADY.

LEMAN RUSS MBT, YOU'RE PROBABLY THE BEST OF THE ROBUST PILES OF CRAP THE ADMECH HAS THROWN TOGETHER IN DESPERATION I'VE EVER SEEN AND ARE ONE OF THE GREATEST TOOLS OF THE IMPERIUM IN THE 41ST MILLENNIUM AND HAVE MY RESPECT.

SERGEANT, KEEP KICKING CHAOS ASS. WHOLLOP THEM WITH THOSE BALLS OF STEEL YOU'VE BEEN ISSUED. I'M GOING TO THROW A FEW FATE POINTS YOUR WAY, JUST BECAUSE I'M FEELING IN A GOOD MOOD TODAY.

CHAOS & XENO WHORES, FUCK OFF AND KNOW THAT I'M COMING FOR YOU, ANY DAY NOW. AAANNNY DAY NOW.

ASTARTES, PICK UP THE FUCKING PACE AND STOP BEING DICKHEADS, ONLY THE SALAMANDERS SEEM TO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU'RE ALL SUPPOSED TO BE PARAGONS AND PROTECTORS OF MANKIND, BUT YOU'RE ALL JUST DOING YOUR OWN THING FOR THE MOST PART, AND I'M KINDA MIFFED ABOUT IT.

OTHER ASPECT OF ME, QUIT CRYING, THAT PIECE OF SHIT IS LOADED WITH OUR AWESOME POWER. THOUGH THEY'RE PROBABLY NEVER GOING TO ADMIT THAT IT WAS A CRYSTALLIZED PIECE OF PSYKIC POWER INFUSED SHIT.

SIGNED, YOUR ETERNAL SAVIOR,
THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

P.S.
PLEASE KILL ME ALREADY, SITTING ON THIS CHAIR IS FUCKING BORING AND I WANT TO BE THE STARCHILD ALREADY.

DON'T YOU BELIEVE IN STARCHILDREN, BRO?

SOMEONE. ANYONE. LET ME BE REBORN FOR ME'S SAKE.

>>19033597
Dear Eldrad,

Don't be too hasty now my worthy adversary, this wager is far from over, and I feel the next few moves may take even your esteemed self by surprise.

Yours,
Tzeentch

Dear Fellow Custodes on Guard Duty

Real funny guys, leaving his holiness, the God emperor of mankind in my private restroom is not funny. I promise you'll get christmas off next time.

-Sincerly Constantin Valdor

>>19033599
Dear Inquisitor Udant Needtono,
You assured me that the investigation on my loyalty to the imperium was over. So why then, are there giant silver Astartes romping around my mansion screaming "You do not see me! I do not exist! We are not from the order of the Grey Knights!"?
Its probably unrelated, but I would still like conformation about this.
Praise the Emperor,
Govenor Alleck
Planetary Nation of Sollia

1100001011101000110010101101100011110010010000001100010011001010010000001110010011001010110001101111
0010110001101101100011001010110010000100000011010010110111001110100011011110010000001110011011100000
1100001011100100110010100100000011100000110000101110010011101000111001100100000011000010110111001100
1000010000001110000011100100110111101110100011001010110100101101110001000000111000001100001011100110
1110100011001010010111000100000010011100110111101110111001000000110011101100101011101000010000001100
0100110000101100011011010110010000001110100011011110010000001110111011011110111001001101011

-Head Fabricator

Dear Soldiers of the Emperor,

You are all committing the greatest of heresy's as we speak. That being heresy being the act of giving away tactical information to xenos and other non essential command staff personal of the Imperium. These staffs include but are not limited to The Imperial Guard, The Adeptus Astartes, The Adepta Sororitas, and even that of the Ordo Mallus. So it is with a heavy heart I inform you all that we are taking steps to correct this at once.

Sincerely,
High Marshal Helbrecht of The Black Templars.

>>19033623
Dear "Everyone",
I know its you, Grimnar.

I swear on my Seal that I will BLAM your entire Emprahdamned Chapter for the shit you caused me. I had to Exterminatus eight planets because of you.

Go fuck yourself,
Inquisitor I'm-Fucking-Watching-You, O.M.

PS DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH PAPERWORK HAS TO BE DONE TO EXTERMINATUS EIGHT PLANETS?! I HAD TO GET A NEW HAND FROM THE ADMECH AFTERWARDS.

>>19033661
Dear First Sergeant Frank,

It is Sergeant Vessulius, you may remember me from Dekan III, I recently lost both my arms and had them replaced with power fists.

I would like a rematch in boxing.

Sincerely,
Sergeant Vessulius

>>19033740
Dear Head Fabricator,
Your machine code is flawed.
It's not divisable by 8, and therefore not proper machine god.
Signed,
First Sergeant Frank,
Cadian 205th Veterans Regiment.

P.S. I worked with a techpriest enginseer, he was offended by your gross misuse of the Machine Spirit's language.

>>19033719
My Dear Governor,
Just be glad you aren't suffering eternal torment.

And no, I can't say I'm familiar with any Space Marines fitting that description. Must be Alpha Legionnaires pullover a prank.

Don't push the subject,
Inquisitor Mind-Your-Own-Business

>>19033661
Dear Sargeant Frank,

As arousing as the idea of being crushed/punched/obliterated to death by a huge metal fist may be i'm going to have to pass on that one, since I have about 4 orgies to attend today and I believe the daemonettes would be rather disappointed if I did not show up.
Another day maybe?

May you enjoy a thousand and one erections

Marius

P.S. If you change your mind about the cult thing, pay us a visit, attached is a complimentary pamphlet and daemonette summoning kit

>>19033781
Dear Vessulius

Two powerfists?
Who's dick did you suck?

Signed,
First Sergeant Frank
205th Cadian Veterans Regiment.
P.S. Better idea. Best bro-fist ever?

>>19033740
"1101101?" You can't be serious. That kind of language is just... offensive. You of all people should know that. Just because I'm a barely functioning pile of rusty armor and machines of bloody execution doesn't mean I don't have feelings, you insensitive clod.

Yours,
Leman Russ # 233,435,654,764,944,234,342.

>>19033851
Dear Frank,

General Tiberius, he's a flaming homosexual.

Signed,
Sergeant Vessulius
23rd Imperialis Regiment

P.S. I still think boxing would be kickass.

>>19033703
Dear Emperor of Mankind,
You still down for poker this weekend? The Deciever backed out already, and Ceg is up in the air.
JUST AS PLANNED,
-Tzeentch

To whom it may concern,
Dicks Dicks Dicks Dicks Dicks Dicks Dicks Dicks Dicks Dicks Dicks Dicks Dicks Dicks Dicks Dicks Dicks Dicks Dicks Dicks Dicks Dicks Dicks Dicks Dicks Dicks Dicks Dicks Dicks Dicks Dicks Dicks
Much Love,
The Dark Eldar

>>19033753
Dear Black Templars,
What is it you DO do, anyway?

Sincerely,
Not Cypher

PS Sorry about that whole debacle with the Dark Angels. They're even bigger assholes once you get to know them.

Dear WAAHRP SPIDAHR

AAAAAAAAAHHH!

Sincerely,
CAPTAIN DIOMEDES

Dear Every Loyal Imperial in this Thread,

You're welcome for all the times we saved you from certain death. Why do you people still insist that we stole your victory when everyone else knows otherwise?

There's no reason to be so mad.

Sincerely,
Captain Winrar Glorioso of the Galactic Partridge 3rd Company.

>>19033800

Dear Sergeant Frank,

If I had intended for the memo to be deciphered by those not gifted by the Machine God, I would have had a Servo-Skull read it to you personally, in Gothic, slowly, so your flesh- brain could understand.

All Praise to the Omnissiah

-Head Fabricator, Manufactorum Alpha-112e

>>19033871
Dear Vessulius,

That's what you get when your whole regiment is 'Imperial' themed.
Seriously, who thought the horse-hair helmets was a good idea? They look faggy and blend with absolutely zero natural camoflauge.

Signed,
First Sergeant Frank
205th Cadian Veterans Regiment.

>>19033877
Dear Dark Eldar

That is a lot of dicks. Fantastic.

Hugs and Kisses
The Swarmlord of Hive Fleet Leviathan

Leman Russ #233,435,654,764,944,234,342;

Hey, I just wanted to say "thanks" for covering my back when we were getting swarmed by those orks.

OH WAIT. YOU WERE TWO CLICKS AWAY TAKING POTSHOTS AT THEIR FIGHTER AIRCRAFT.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG IT TAKES MY MAIN GUN TO RECHARGE BETWEEN SHOTS? WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO AGAINST THAT MUCH INFANTRY, POLITELY ASK THEM TO LINE UP SINGLE FILE SO I CAN TAKE OUT MORE THAN ONE OF THE GREEN BUGGERS AT A TIME?

THE NEXT TIME THEY CALL OUT THE GARGANTS, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN BUDDY

-- Laser Tank Destroyer #104,513

>>19033904
Dear Partidges,

Fuck you.

Yours in Brotherhood (you fucking attentionwhores),
Cato Sicarius

P.S. Cockassdouchetards

>>19033923
Dear Frank

it's on.

Signed,
Sergeant Vessulius
23rd Imperialis regiment

wtf is going on in here

>>19033873
DEAR TZEENTCH,

YOU FUCKING KNOW I'M UP FOR IT. THOSE LITTLE BITCHES AIN'T GOT SHIT AND NEITHER DO YOU. I'M GOING TO BE WALKING AWAY WITH THAT ENTIRE POT AND LEAVING YOU HIGH AND DRY. AND DON'T THINK I WON'T BE WATCHING THAT YOU'RE NOT CHEATING AGAIN, LIKE LAST TIME. COME AT ME, CHAOS WRETCH!

SIGNED WITH GREAT CONTEMPT,

THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

>>19033836
Dear Inquisitor,
They invited themselves to dinner at my home.
Nothing happened, and they were very polite and ate modestly, but all they would talk about is them purging daymans with "force weapons"? And of course, their insistence on showing me all of their marks of purity...all one thousand of them...each.
Needless to say, if this is a joke I am not amused and your imperial forces will see a sharp decline in agri-liquor from my planet if this continues.
Praise the Emperor,
Govenor Alleck
Planetary Nation of Sollia

PS One pulled out a vial of blood that came from "hats"? If you know anything about this, please tell me, I think they may be traitors to the emperor

>>19033740
Dear Head Fabricator,

What is 100 divided by 3?

yours truly,

Bill of the Fire Caste

>>19033708
>>19033597
To the most esteemed Tzeentch,

Though you are doubtless aware of it by now (and I do not hold it impossible that you may, yourself, have directly or indirectly contributed to the circumstances which forced me to make this announcement), I must regretfully withdraw from our little poker club, due to being retconned into a shard. I'll be staying with a good friend of mine, Trazyn the Infinite, until 6th edition. Please convey my regrets to the rest of the gang.

Thanks for some wonderful times,
The Deceiver

obyron keeps tryn 2 hide the paper frum me but i found it ha ha dont tell obyron or hell be mad!!

zahndrekh

>>19033880
Dear "Not" Cypher,

What we do is wage a constant crusade to ensure The God Emperor's reign is forever eternal much like our hatred for The Mutant, The Witch, and The Alien. As for the Dark Angels, we understand its common knowledge that they are the biggest assholes out there next to of course the Ultramar

Ever Vigil
High Marshal Helbrecht

>>19033923
Dear First Sergeant Frank
205th Cadian Veterans Regiment,

I did, don't they look fabulous?

XOXO, General Tiberius

>>19033950
Dear Cato,

That is not how you say "Thank you for bailing me out of that Tau incursion of Feron Primarus."

You're welcome.

Love,
Captain Winrar Glorioso of the Galactic Partridges 3rd Company.

PS
Tell Calgar to stop being so butthurt that Peart'ree is prettier than Maccrage.

>>19033953
Dear Vessulius,

I think I've become an Imperial celebrity, as I have several letterheads I have to write -constantly- back to.
This is insane, and I once got a letter from Holy Terra.
What is going on?

Signed,
First Sergeant Frank,
205th Cadian Veterans Regiment.

>>19033941
Dear Laser Tank Destroyer #104,513,
Oh well I'M SORRY if I thought neutralizing enemy air cover might help protect all our asses and win the battle. Maybe there's this thing called Tank Shock you could have used? Or maybe this radical notion that I'm not the only Leman Russ in the entire division and I, therefore, cannot be everywhere at once?

Yours,
Leman Russ # 233,435,654,764,944,234,342.

>>19033880

Dear "not" Cypher,
We get why you're angry - you're angry because we made you wear a dress

yours sincerely,
Ezekiel

P.S. You still on for hide & seek on Saturday? I'll bring the beers.

A̛̘̪̣͒͆͌̕ͅḀ͔̣͔̤͕̅̌̕A̸̶̞͇̜̗͎̺̅̈́͋̈̉A̟̬̭̥͊ͧ̅̚A̡̪ͪ̓͋̌̏͆̀
͕̜͎̳͍̦̙Ḩ̨̝͔͚͛̉̈̂͛̾ͅĢ̦̼̹͓̻̪̥̊̓͆ͨ́ͅÁ͕͉̍͠H̫̫ͤͣ͑̂ͭ̈̒G
̟̰̤͙̥͕̺̓͜͞͝A̛̱̱̲͍̪͍̝̒̈́̐̄͗G̖̱̰͎̱͔̝̫͉̓A͚͉ͨ͐͒̃Ḡ̢̃̎̉ͤ̈́
̼̮̺̗̗̠̘̞Ả̛̱͎͂̽ͤͪ͆͟ ̴̻̥͗̉ͯ͗̔ͤÄ̧̞̺̟̘̲̰̜́̒̏̔A̧͉̪̺̭͓̱̥͊͂̊̕Bͩͪͯ̓ͯ͐ͭͩ͜͏̭͓̯͓̼͍
̜͔À͕̱̠̓B̛̺͙͋ͤ̋ͩͤ͝͡B̈͛҉̣̬̖͔̠̘́͡A̢̮̋͊̔ͨB̵̧̦̲͙̭ͧ̓́͌A̿͋͒
̧̩̯̣̟̙̭̜̇̋͠Ā͎͍̝͙͕̹͌̄ͦ͒̅͐͋̚͝G͓͎͍͓͇ͣͨ̆Ä̵̤̺̬̥̤́͟G̵̮͎̚͜
̗̦̭̲͍̻H̶̙͉̀̓̚G̹̠̟̑̆͡A̲̩̩̋̎̊ͭ̿ͥ̀̓̕ ͚̮̳̦̰̓̌A̴̧͇͖̘͇̠͎̬̻͓ͦ͗̋̅ͮ́ͣ
̵̪͉̙͚͐ͤ̆̅ͨͭ̿͌
̢͉͇̭̤̞̙ͯ͑̽̀͌͋̈͗͠
̧͖̠̳̫͗͌͝ͅG̘̠ͭͮ͗͛̆̈̑́G̲͇̦̭̪̒͟͞G̛̲̝̝̗̟̯ͫ̇ͫ̉͗̊̕G̱͍͔̯̫͇ͭ
G̸̢̞̳̰͙͎͛̿ͧ̏͗̈̕G̊͛͂̅ͧͪͫ̚҉̘̯͖̟̲̗̖̝́͝G̷̠̬͉̘͚ͧ̏͑̑̓͑͟͠Ã
̫̘̹̝͚͂̐͋͡͝A̴̯͖ͦͩ̊̐̃͊Ȁ̮̤̜̗͞͝Ă̷͖̪͇̚A̭̟̠̮̗̼̾̓̐ͪ̓ͫͥ̓̊͜
̟Ḁ̴̷͈͍̜͙ͩͮͫ͌̋A͙͙̦͕̱̬̅̆ͨ̔̎͟Ḁ̯̗̩͎̗͇̮̉̅̋̃̓̃͢͝A̗̾͊͒̂̚̚
̠͉̯͎̙̖̝H̼̯͖̰̗̥̯͌̔̌ͪ͋̕͜H̷̛͍̮ͯ̏ͬͥ̊̀̓̐͝H̱͔͙͕̩́̆ͨ͛ͦ̉Ȟͨ̚
̵̧͇̦͉̻̥͚̈̃͠H̩̳̥͚̪̖͂̇̏͗̔ͫH̻͈͙̬̪ͥͦͥ̌̑ͤ̃
̸͙̞͖̓
͓̪͐͋͢͠
̵̯̩̤͓̩̲̖̞͐͋͡ͅA̓̄̂ͤ̌ͭ͗̂̚͡͏͔̤̺A̧̯̤̩̲ͨͩ̔̓̈́͛ͪ̒͠Ȧ̠̇Â̢̗͞
A̢̟̜͙͖̪̬̫ͦͧA̬̝̪͊ͬ̏ͧ͂̃̅͌A̾͏̴̠̬͔͔̜̞Ḁ̧̣̻̳̗̮͍̭̒ͤͯ́ͅA̋̓͑̒
̪͔̞̖͎͔̳͊̅̔̒̀͟A̴͙̞̺̤̪̝̞͚̰ͨ̃̊͗͌͐̒͟A̶̙̗̻͕̘̙̠ͮͩ̏̎̈́̏͐͡Á
̝̰̉̀


-Wallace, Bloodletter Of Khorne

OH FUCK OH FUCK THAT COMPUTER IS POOPING OUT DEMONS!

>>19033960
I don't know, but I do know one thing; I fucking love it.

>>19033491
Dear Sergeant Frank,

I have received a holy revelation from our Emperor chastising me for my petty behavior. In obedience with His word, I shall replace your melta-gun post-haste, so that you may continue fighting His holy crusade to your fullest abiliites. I apologize for any inconveniences caused to you.

On another note, my Canoness has shown interest after hearing of your power fist. She wishes to extend a request to you in concern of your equipment's lubrication, though I was not formerly aware of her advanced capacities in Machine Spirit worship.

I believe she seeks a private audience.

May His will guide your aim,
Sister Tralia.

>>19034042
Dear Frank,

Quirk of fate maybe?
Maybe someone saw one of your letters and spread the idea around.

Sincerely,
Vessulius.
23rd Imperialis Regiment

P.S. It's on, meet me behind the Governor's mansion on Armageddon on 997999.M41 at 5:00PM for our boxing match.

Dear Salamanders:

Please stop playing the race card, we will not serve you KFC and orange drank when you come to visit.

Sincerely,
The Ultramarines.

Dear food,
I would really appreciate it if you guys would stop trying to take back worlds we have dropped spores on. Its really getting annoying.
-Hive Mind

>>19034102
Dear Ultramarines,

I can assure you, I do not care for "Fried Chicken" or this "Orange Drank".

Sincerely, Vulkan.
P.S.
Where da white wymmn at?

>>19034003
>>19034042
>>19034099
Dear To Whom It May Concern,

Thanks to my inbox being stuffed fatter than a Slaaneshi whore, I have one letter sent to all of you.

Firstly, General Tiberius.
It's not tactically efficient, sir, however suited for a parade uniform.

Secondly, Sister;
If your canoness wishes to meet me, then she can meet me in the foxhole I have not left for three weeks now. I think command thinks I'm dead.

Thirdly, Vessulius.
I've been pinned down in a foxhole for three weeks.
No.

Signed,
First Sergeant Frank,
205th Cadian Veterans Regiment.

P.S. Sorry for the mud, the Earthshaker rounds are getting close.

>>19034102
DEAR ULTRAMARINES,
STOP HITTING YOURSELF! STOP HITTING YOURSELF! STOP HITTING YOURSELF!

FUCK YOU,
THE ANGRY MARINES

>>19034053
LR #233,435,654,764,944,234,342

OH YEAH, WELL--- wait
>#233,435,654,764,944,234,342.

Oh warp dammit, my cogitagors must be malfunctioning. I thought you were Leman Russ #233,435,654,764,944,234,34/8/, the Punisher that was assigned escort to our battlegroup but decided to bugger off and go bird hunting.

Um -- Sorry about that. We cool?

--LTD #104,513

>>19034042
Dear Frank,

I'm a big fan of yours - just call me Mr. T. I have some advice for you regarding your upcoming boxing match. Tomorrow, when you wake up, wear your GREEN socks. You know the ones I'm talking about, the ones your mother knitted you last year? Wear them and - here's the important part - wear the one on your LEFT foot INSIDE OUT.

Toodles,
Mr. T

Dear Loyalist Scum,

You hide your letters in carboard boxes; you cowards, you fools!

We... we shall take away your cardboard boxes.

Love,
Firaeveus Carron

P.S.
SINDRI

>>19034192
Dear Angry Marines,
Mah niggas!
-Black Templars

>>19034198
Hey, we cool, Destroyer, we cool. Keg of Mars oil, on me?

Leman Russ # 233,435,654,764,944,234,342.

>>19033996

I suppose we will have to find a replacement then, perhaps trayzn would be interested?
And as for my involvement? I can neither confirm nor deny it, but I can say that everything is proceeding just as planned.

Yours assuredly,
Tzeentch

Deer Evreewun,

I hopes yoo hav a good good day fer a reel long time.

Luv,
Ogryn Urk

Deer Umiez


Wot I gotz ta tel yah iz dat Iz wonderin why we kant all jus' git along, eh? Uz Orkz aint so nazzzti like, savvy? Wot say wez hafs ouselfs a meetin' out on da no-Orkz-Land? Jus bring yer bezt shootahs wif da mozt dakka n' the biggiz tank wif da crushizt treddz an' one feller ta driv it ovah, dass all oy fink.

Oh, and if ya gotz any gubbing brings dem too, warboss wantz sum new gubbins

we wont 'urt yah! Hones'

-Smartboy Grunklok

PEE EZ ya dint ere if frum me, buh I erds dem sneaky gitz from da ofa Ork klan wuz sneakin up behind yeh! Gives em a gud clobberin if ya sees em!

>>19034042
>>19034190
DEAR SERGEANT FRANK,
YOU KNOW THAT SISTER WHO STOLE YOUR MELTAGUN? HER CANNONESS WANTS YOUR BUTT, MAN. MAKE OF THAT WHAT YOU WILL, BECAUSE THAT'S 10/10 WOULD PURGE MATERIAL, IF A TAD NUTTIER THAN MY HOLY ARTIFACT SHIT. WHICH IS PRETTY NUTTY. I THINK THE BATTLE SISTER MIGHT'VE JUST BEEN FUCKING WITH YOU TOO; IT'S PROBABLY UNFOUNDED, I'M GETTING THE IDEA FROM SOME SHITTY ELDAR HOLOVID WAY BACK WHEN WHERE A BANSHEE BEING A HUGE BITCH MEANT SHE LIKED YOU. I THINK IT MIGHT EXTEND TO THE GUN NUNS TOO. IN ADDITION, I THINK THEY'RE COMING TO RELIEVE YOU MILITARILY, SO YOU MIGHT NOT BE STUCK IN THAT FOXHOLE FOR LONG.

SIGNED, YOUR DIVINE WINGMAN,

THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

>>19034218
Dearest Black Templars,

Yo dat's racist.

Sincerely, Salamanders

>>19034042
Frank -

You have come to the attention of myself (and several of my associates), and I would like to offer a man-to-(well, I can't quite say 'man,' but something quite close should suffice) bargain with you. As soon as you see this letter, check your lasgun for malfunctions, as I have a feeling that the secondary heatsink needs cleaning. While you've got it taken apart, do me a favor and paint a red stripe along the inside of the firing chamber, will you? There are some perfectly divine (oops, did I really say that?) brownies in it for you.

Sincerely,
a friend

>>19034254
>filename

>>19034243
Tzeentch:

May I suggest the human known as Ursarkar E. Creed? He is currently awaiting assignment, and may be amenable to some lighthearted amusement.

-D

Dear Kommissar Geißler, 205th Cadia

What are you doing this tuesday?

XOXO, General Tiberius

>>19034281
Dear Salamanders

Stop whining about it, and do something. How do you expect to survive if you keep shielding the weak? While you and your homies were defending citizens, me and my battle brothers slaughtered 50 orks, and 10 of there nobz.

Get on our collective Level
Sword Brethren Assault Terminator Victus

Dear Frank

why i̸̳̠͍̮̙̒ͫ̽ͮ̇̔͋͋̚s̫̟̭̻͚̘̤̗͙̓̎͋ͯ it that Cadian children are crunchier ̯̮̹͔̜̣̯̌̔̔͐ͤ͢͞t̓ͬ̌҉͔̱͎ẖ̫͖̋͆ͦ̑͡͝a̡̛̤̠̮͍͂̒ͪͯ̽̀ͅǹ̛̯ͬ̔
͈̫̥ ̤̮͓̪͐ͪ̔ͨ̈̉ͭͫ͒̕ţ̶͚̣̼͉̲͉͙̯̔ͧͬ͆h̜̖̮̲ͤ͛ͨ̆ͬ̂̕͜͞e̢̧̳̊͛̿̚͢
̘͓͈͍̞ ̧ͦ͒ͣ̎̎͘ͅa̵̯̳̰͙̭̬͎͛͋͋͌ͪ̅v̫̯̤̓ͮ̿̿ͫ̎͡e͖̝͈̟̖͉̲̳̯ͭͩ̽͐͋ͭ̌͡
r̠̥̟̟̭̱̟̱̣̄ͪ̎̉͂̑͐́͟ă͖̦̻̈́̔͌̀͝ģ̦͙̠͈̃ͮ͆͒͂̀͛̑ͥ͘e̅͋̋ͥͪ͆
̷̧̤̟̘͕ human child?


yours truly,

Emma
Greater D̲̼̰͈͍͍̣̹̩͌ͩ̓͠e͉̻̞̙͚̘̩͕̔̒ͤa̤͓̱ͥͮ̓̃̅̓̄̀̀mͩͯͥͤ̃̑͢͏̖͎̹̳
͕̩͔̤̯o̸̸̲̗̖̯̍̍̕n̊ͬ̄͊ͬͮͧ̈͏̸͓̜͓̠͎͟ of Slaneshh

>>19034294
>>19034206
>>19034275
>>19034287
In short order;
'No'
I can't even begin to comprehend the Emperor talking to me, so I'm assuming this is the artillery boys.
Stop. Shelling. Me. There is nothing here.
Also no.
And sir Commissar? Your letter was destroyed when we came under fire by heretical scum again, please resend.
Signed,
First Sergeant Frank
205th Cadian Veterans Regiment.
P.S. Who keeps sending this letter addressed from Holy Terra to me?

Dear Vassals of Holy and High Throne and Sacred Terra

STOP WRITING LETTERS TO EACH OTHER AND SEE TO YOUR BLESSED DUTIES! What part of beset on all sides by enemies and traitors don't you understand!

Your Masters,
The High Lords of Terra

P.S GET TO WORK YOU DAMNED NINNIES!

>>19034229
LR #233,435,654,764,944,234,342;

Sounds like a plan.
Maybe afterwards we can hit the motorpool, try and hook up with some of the Exorcists that've been hanging around ever since the SoB joined this campaign.
Tell me brother -- are they smokin' or are they SMOKIN'?

--LTD #104,513

Anyone here know where I can get some replacement boots? I think my last jump landed to hard.
oh and Frank, if you need some jet troops you know who to call.

-Raven Guard Sgt. Croc

P.S. Go fuck yourselves Sisters of Battle!

>>19033623
Dear everyone, an Eversor Assassin has been dispatched to your location.

Love
Officio Assassinorum.

>>19034243
Dear Tzeentch,
What's this I hear about a game of chess?
OH, THAT'S RIGHT...
http://1d4chan.org/wiki/The_Game_(Tzeentch)
Regards,
Lord Castellan Ursarkar E. Creed, Cadia

>>19034346
Dearest Black Templar,

I know we have our differences, but we shouldn't be criticizing how the other acts to civilians. I love you battle brother.

Signed, Salamander
P.S.
No homo.

Dear Chaos,

We seem to have come across one of your ships whilst we were cruising through the blind eternities, no idea how it got there, but do you mind if we eat it?

Sincerely,
Yaskggh'vaulaagghlr Nithrlga-Flnghargar, Far Realm entity

>>19034439
Dear Everyone,

WRRRRRRRRYYYYYY

Love, Eversor.

>>19034383
Dear High Lords,

I m writing this letter wile smiting the enemies of man and rescuing a Black Templar Crusade. That is how skilled and valiant my chapter is in battle.

Don't let the Black Templar tell you otherwise, they're mad and buttfrustrated that they needed to be saved.

Sincerely,
Captain Winrar Glorioso of the Galactic Partridges 3rd Company

>>19034460
Meh. Go ahead.

Love, Slaanesh

Dear, Gue'las

So much conflict over one firearm. Do you now see the madness that infects your misguided Imperium? Now is the time to cast aside the veil that covers your eyes from the true light of the Greater Good. Come place your banner under ours, and we shall fight for a peace that can be enjoyed by all.

Thanks to the wisdom of the Ethereals, we have many firearms for everyone.

Always your friend,
a concerned Fire Warrior

Dear Strongbad,

How do you type with boxing gloves on?

>>19034490
Dear Partridges,
DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!!!!!!
Sworn to smashing your heads in,
Great Wolf Logan Grimnar, Space Wolves

>>19034369

Veteran Frank of the 205th Veterans Regiment
By losing the letter adressed to your person you also violated Art. 9845/25t, 9898/23t, 4733/67y as well as Art. 8055/14v. Since I am concerned that you also plan on violating Art. 0001/01a I am coming for you in person.

Regards,
Comissar Geißler, 205th Cadia

>>19034500
Dear Fire Warrior,
Hows the bottom of my boot lookin'?
-Raven Guard Sgt. Croc

Dear Frank

You may not be the best person to ask, but do you think I should get my organic breasts replaced with matching lubricant tanks? I'm a DD and I want to keep them the same size so I don't have to get new rags

Airis 226-A

Mars

Dear everyone

I am trying to sleep. You are warring above me. Don't make me come up there and stop you.

Sincerely, Phaeron Khufu

>>19034500
Dear Tau,
Here is an attached picture of my balls.
You may suck them.
Signed,
First Sergeant Frank,
205th Cadian Veterans Regiment.

P.S. Dear Raven's Astartes Battlebrother, dude who writes me a letter.
Please send some jump infantry. I am sicking of being shelled.

>>19034453
CREEEEEEDDD!!!!

-Tzeentch

Dear Space Wolves

We Are Best Barbarian Marine

With Love, White Scars

PS:Bikes are cooler than wolves

>>19034369
DEAR SERGEANT FRANK,

IT'S COOL, BRO. I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'D BE SKEPTICAL. I'M JUST TRYING TO LOOK OUT FOR YOU. I MEAN, IT'S ALL I CAN REALLY DO, HOLDING THE POWER TO CHALLENGE THE CHAOS GODS BUT BEING LARGELY INERT BECAUSE I CAN'T GET OFF THIS FUCKING SHITTER, INFLUENCING THE IMPERIUM AS BEST I CAN, INDIRECTLY, THROUGH FAVORED SOULS. LIKE YOU, BECAUSE YOU SEEM LIKE A COOL DUDE.

SIGNED, STILL YOUR ETERNAL SAVIOR,

THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

P.S.
DO YOU THINK I SHOULD TRY AND GROW A GOATEE? I FEEL LIKE IT'LL MAKE ME MORE APPROACHABLE AND FATHERLY, AS I SHOULD BE, BEING THE BENEVOLENT PATRON OF ALL OF HUMANITY.

>>19034383
DEAR HIGH LORDS,

STOP FUCKING UP YOU NINNIES. I'D SOONER TRUST SOME PODUNK FUCKWIT GUARDSMEN FROM THE ASS-END OF NOWHERE TRYING TO ADMINISTRATE THE IMPERIUM OVER YOU INCOMPETENT MALFORMED OLD CYBERNIC COOT-CUNTS. WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET YOU SHITHEADS OFF YOUR ASSES?

SIGNED, YOUR PISSED OFF LIEGE WHO YOU FORCE POWER FROM THROUGH REGENCY,

THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

>>19034519
Faith in The Emperor, my child.­
Faith in the Emperor.
--Ecclesiarchy

>>19034519
Dear Grimnar,

You need to stop getting into trouble, we're getting tired of saving you.

Sincerely,
Chapter Master Harry Partridge of the Galactic Partridges.

P.S. I stopped by your Fortress Monastery while you were out and got this mug as partial payments for the debts you owe us.

Thanks.

>>19034500
Go frak yourself.
Signed, Deadman
Assault Sgt. Alpha Battalion, 35th "Slapper" Squad Deployed on Tranch.

>>19034520
>>19034525
Dear Commissar.
Please do not, the air is literally thick with earthshake rounds.
Dear, Airis 226-A.
Our attached techpriest says yes.

Signed,
First Sergeant Frank
205th Cadian Veterans Regiment,

>>19034526

>>19034176
Dear Hive Mind,

You critters are delicious.

Sincerely,
Yaskggh'vaulaagghlr Nithrlga-Flnghargar, Far Realm entity

>>19034438
Dear Raven Guard Sgt. Croc,
In response to your suggestion that we "fuck ourselves,"

We shall take it into serious consideration, because you clearly lack the equipment for such a mission.

Legs forever closed to you,
Sister Claereth

>>19034529
Dear Frank,
Command just dispatched my squad to your position. ETA 3 minuets if route is clear. most of the land is mortared to shit though.
-Sgt. Croc

>>19034556
Dear Commissar Strongbad,
I heard you're the guy, but I wanna be the guy too!
Sincerely,
An admirer

>>19034553
Dear God Emperor of Mankind

Stop typing and get the fuck out of your shitter.
We need some help managing this fucking place

With Love
A really budy and hardworking worker of the Administratum

>>19034517
Dear Anonymous:

I don't know where you learned my middle name, but if you MUST know, I have a shrimp, a lit candle, and an action figure glued to my knuckles that I use as fingers.

Signed,
Sergeant Matthew "Strongbad" Vessulius
23rd Imperialis Regiment

PS
You are fucking retarded.

>>19034580
Dearest Sister Claereth,
Consider my good boot, shoved up your tight ass.
Sincerely,
-Raven Guard Sgt. Croc

>>19034553
Dear God Emperor of Mankind,
Listen, I ran it by marketing.
Sorry, but the answer is still "no."
There is money to be made, frustration to be prolonged, and grimdarkness to perpetuate.
Yours,
Matthew Ward

>>19034587
Dear Sgt. Croc,
The foxhole's nice and cozy, at this point. And the day they stop shelling us, is the day we get more agri-liquor.

In the mean time, pull up a rock and thank god that half the artillerymen are twelve and can't do math.

Signed,
First Sergeant Frank
205th Cadian Veterans Regiment,

Dear Mars

I just accidentally the power for the golden throne. Is this bad?

Sincerely, Janitor-Servitor #2230105

Dear Sgt Frank

How do I tell an alien that I love her? I just can't bring myself to do it, since the last couple times it happened it was a one night stand because we thought we were going to die.

Sincerely,

Commander Shepard

>>19034561
Dear Harry Partridge,

Cut it out with your bullshit already, everyone with half a brain can tell that you and your "Chapter" of "Space Marines" never actually do anything, you just show up at the end of a fight and steal the glory.
Hells, Even I can tell, and I don't even live in the same universe as you people.
Sincerely,
Yaskggh'vaulaagghlr Nithrlga-Flnghargar, Far Realm entity

P.S.
The ship was delicious, crunchy on the outside and squishy on the inside.

>>19034677

Dear Commander Shepherd
*BLAM*

Sincerely,
The Commissariat

>>19034681
lies and slander of the highest order.

You should be ashamed.

Sincerely,

Chapter Master Harry Partridge

>>19034681
Dear lovable Far Realm Entity

nobody cares about your opinion

with love
Harry Partridge

PS:That ship was gifted to the blood ravens

>>19034734
Dear "Harry Partridge"

I am the real Harry Partridge

Hugs and Kisses
The REAL Hardy Partridge

>>19034713
Dear Commissariat,

Don't BLAM Commander Shepard, let him finish his journey.

When he does, he'll wish you BLAMMED him.

Sincerely,
anonymous

>>19034660
Dear Frank,
Artillery shouldn't be a problem anymore.
they looked more like 18-20 year olds to me but, they all look like the bottom of a boot now.
-Sgt. Croc

>>19034490
To Captain Winrar Glorioso of the Galactic Partridges 3rd Company

Im sorry I cant seem to find you on the battlefield, what with all these corpses all over the place. Also we never asked to be saved. We simply decided that it would be easier to kill the enemy if we let them surround us.

Fighting Eternally
Sword Brethren Assault Terminator Victus

P.S.
My current kill count for this crusade alone probably overshadows your lifetime total.

>>19034459
To My Battle Brother of The Salamanders,

Though your acts walk the line of cowardice when compared to our, you are correct. I cannot stay mad at you.

Your Comrade
Sword Brethren Assault Terminator Victus

P.S.
No Homo either on this end,

To any Mechanicus monitoring this channel,
Did you like the STCs I found? You guys were pretty excited, but I'm surprised no techpriestesses have checked on my augmentics.
Signed, Deadman, Assault Sgt, Tranch Alpha 35 Slappers

P.S. When you build that new Titan, can I please ride in it?

>>19034757

Dear Anonymous,

Sorry it's a bit too late - one does not simply take back a blamming

Sincerely,
The Commissariat

>>19034779
Dear Victus,
See Link.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_8HtVFy1Qs
Love,
Harry Partridge

>>19034774
Dear Sgt Croc.
Do not come to our position.
You are heretic for assaulting our own artillerymen.

Signed,
First Sergeant Frank
205th Cadian Veterans Regiment,

>>19034788
DEAR DEADMAN

NO

YOUR FRIENDLY TITAN
TITAN

PS: HUMANS ARE NOT GOOD WITH NAMES

>>19034804
Surely the Admech can rebuild him!
Surely they have the technology!

Sincerely,

Anonymous

PS: He'll be glad if he can't be saved, you ironically saved him from a fate worse than death.

halo


me name captan dave. me ogyrin comander of troop. when commesar dead by xeno, dave kill xeno for comisar but comisar ded. dave take commisar hat so can lead emperors men like good ogryn but men all ded so dave all alone

dave feel sad and lonely. dave find cute animal to pet but dave get hungry and eat cute animal now alone again

ples come dave sad

>>19034621
DEAR HARDWORKING MEMBER OF THE ADMINISTRATUM,

YOU THINK I HAVEN'T TRIED? I'M STUCK FAST, IN ADDITION TO BEING A GOD TRAPPED IN A HALF-ZOMBIFIED CORPSE. SOMEONE LEFT THE SEAT UP AND I FELL INTO THE CORROSIVE SOUL-GOO SOLUTION, SEARING ME INTO THE BOWL. I HAVE NO ASS AND I MUST SHIT.

SIGNED, AN UNDERSTANDING BUREAUCRAT,

THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

>>19034820
Dear Frank,
They shelled your position, therefore they were hostile.
-Raven Guard Sgt. Croc
P.S. We were the ones assigned to bring you the shipment of Agri-liquor

>>19034656
DEAR MR. WARD,

PLEASE MAKE MORE WEAPONS FOR THE IMPERIUM, THAT IS LITERALLY ALL YOU ARE GOOD AT. JUST STOP MANIPULATING THE STRINGS OF FATE, YOU'RE HORRIBLE AT IT.

SIGNED, A CONCERNED OMNIPOTENT FICTIONAL ENTITY,

THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

P.S.

I'M GROWING THE GOATEE ANYWAYS.

>>19034496
Fuck you Slaanesh,

I swear I will rip your dick off and beat you with it until your ribs collapse in on themselves if you ever send me anymore of those photos. You damn well know the ones I mean. Your polyamorous ass must have me confused with that pencilneck Tzeentch, because I clearly will not take this shit.

Barely containing the murderous hate for you that tears through me like an unending hurricane,
Khorne

P.S.
Attached is one of your daemonettes who thought this was a motherfucking game. You owe me for the $5.00 in staples I used to attach her.

Dear Emps,

Have you tried unplugging and plugging your throne back in yet?

Sincerely,
Yaskggh'vaulaagghlr Nithrlga-Flnghargar, Far Realm entity

Dear Sister Abby,
I have a... bad habit.
Ok, so I'm on a date with a hot guardsman.
I decide to give him a peck on the cheek.
I tell myself, "Ok, just give him a peck on the cheek. That's all there is to it. 1,2,Peck! You're done," But, every time, just as I'm about to do it, SKITCH!!
I mix-up "pecking him on the cheek" with "stabbing him violently and killing him."
EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Sorry... I'm just a little frustrated.
Advice?
Love,
Meh'Lindi, Callidus Temple

>>19034848
Dear Strangely Literate Abhuman

How are you even holding a pencil the right way around, let alone forming sentences?

Please submit your brain for diagnostic study
Sincerely,
The Ordo Biologis

>>19034879
Dear Khorne

Oh always so tsundere
I'll see you tonight S2

XOXO
- Your Lover Slaanesh

>>19034823
Wait, so a Cadian finds an STC for a combat knife and gets to rule a planet, I find several for new alloys, armor, vehicles, and a Warhound and I can't get techpriestess clang OR a Titan ride? Shit.
Deadman, Assault Sgt Tranch Alpha 35 Slappers

>>19034902
DEAR DEAMAN

THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR NOT BEING A CADIAN

FROM YOUR FRIENDLY TITAN
TITAN

Dear Everyone,

I make a good pet, really. I won't take control of your mind in your sleep and make you kill your friends and family, honest.

Signed, Using this bum I found,

Mindshackle Scarab #A1C266BB3FEF87FB00B59999999A3DD894439

>>19034848
Captain Dave:

Where exactly are you? This battlefield is so lousy with postman-servitors I seem to have lost my unit. I'd been following this lifeless puppet around for half an hour or so before I realized it wasn't my Commisar. Why do they have to dress these things up so fancily?!

Signed,
Sergeant Matthew "Strongbad" Vessulius
23rd Imperialis Regiment

PS
Know anything about boxing? Big guy like you would do well in the ring.

>>19034848
DEAR CAPTAIN DAVE,

IF THEY WERE DEAD BEFORE THEY AREN'T NOW, FOR I WILL IT TO BE SO. ENJOY YOUR MIRACLE, BRO. KEEP FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT. AND KEEP THE HAT, SHIT'S STYLIN'.

SIGNED, YOUR BUDDY,

THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND.

Cc: ALL

This is all quite entertaining. Do keep it up.

>Tzeench

>>19034931
Dear Scarab-kun

COME BACK SCARAB-KUN

From the space with love
Xeno

>>19033036
Dear Frank,
I do cocaine.
--Kabal Prince Rockso

>>19034931
Dear Mindshackle Scarab, well who cares your a xenos

Anyway, I just want to let you know. That no matter how hard you try, me and my Battle Brothers Hate for you will always overpower your dirty xenos abilities,,,,,also *stomp*

-Victus

>>19034948
Dear God Emperor of Mankind

Can i please go to heaven?

Your favorite pro wrestler
Chris Benoit

halo agun

me dave. ogryn camadr

me find xeno wit no nose an bloo sken

am I allow played wih xeno if no freend to played wih?

ples ansr da more i old him da mor bloo he goes

>>19034924
But I'm Krieger, isn't that better?

>>19034985
Dear Chris,
CAN I??
OH, PLEASE! CAN I???
Love,
GOD EMPEROR

>>19034902
Assault Sgt Tranch Alpha 35 Slappers,
You violated Departmento Munitorum Art. xliv as well as Art. 9898/23t and are hereby ordered to report to the nearest Commissariat.

Comissar Geißler, 205th Cadia

PS: I'm still comming for you, Frank.

>>19035009
DEAR DEADMAN

HAHAHAHAHA
YOU MANAGED TO MAKE A TITAN LAUGH
KEEP ON DOING THE GOOD WORK

YOUR FRIENDLY TITAN
TITAN

PS:BY "GOOD WORK" I MEAN TRYING NOT TO SUICIDE
PS2:I LOVE YOU MAN
PS3:HAS NO GAEMS

>>19035002
Dear Dave,
Now, I just want to be REALLY clear...
Are you SURE your new friend doesn't look like this?
Look REALLY closely, and then tell me.
--I.G. Captain

>>19034948

halo is dave

are yo realle the gad empARAAH-HAAAA-AAAAHH-AAAHHH AR PAIS TO GAD EPARHAAAA

>>19035013
Terribly sorry, but what violation is that?
Deadman, Assault Sgt Tranch Alpha 35 Slappers

>>19034873
Dear Raven Guard Sgt. Croc

I just heard wonderful news that you recently went heretical by attacking your own men. I look forward to serving the Emperor by tearing the flesh from your worthless hide with my neural whip.

I'm sure you will be more than excited upon receiving this letter, for I assume my bloodlust to see you reduced to a flailing, skinless body is the most interest a woman has ever shown in you.

Sincerely,
Sister Claereth
P.S.
I'll let you leave your boots on for the deed

>>19035013
At this point, your bolt pistol would be sweet relief from all these mail servitors.
I'm getting so mad.
I've been in this foxhole for four months now.
So mad.
So.
Inconsolably.
MAD.
Signed,
First Sergeant Frank
205th Cadian Veterans Regiment,

>>19034970
Dear Kabal Prince Rockso:

I am, like, your biggest fan. Please accept the attached kilo of cocaine as a token of my adoration.

Love,
Doomrider

PS
K-K-K-K-K-YEAH!!!!!

Dear members of The Living.
This is exactly the kind of shit that makes us exterminate all of you

Signed, Lord Zalius of the Oldcrons.

>>19035036

ya e loks lik dat sept mor bloo cuz im hold im tite. e stop moving doh so i put him under rok an rite letr

>>19035055
DEAR FRANK

OHBOHO
YOU SOUND LIKE ONE OF THOSE WHINY TEENAGERS WHO TRY TO PILOT ME
IT IS ALWAYS FUN TO SEEING THEIR DESCENT INTO MADNESS

FROM YOUR FRIENDLY TITAN
TITAN

>>19035013
Dear Commissar,
My platoon is all thats left after one of your fuckin mortars hit our command post.
what the fuck!
Can my platoon link up with the 205th? We are all really sorry about that artillery squad.
Sgt. Croc 762th shock platoon

>>19035067
Oh, I see.
You know... why don't we just let him rest for a while?
We'll find you some strin--
I mean, some "friends",
to play with, later.
--I.G. Captain

>>19034985
DEAR CHRIS BENOIT,

SHIT, MAN, THAT'S SOME FUCKED UP KHORNATE SHIT YOU DID WAY BACK WHEN. I'M KINDA... KINDA ON THE FENCE ABOUT THIS. DO YOU AT LEAST REGRET THE BRUTAL MURDER OF YOUR FAMILY WHILE ROID RAGING?

SIGNED,

THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

>>19035002
>>19035040
DEAR CAPTAIN DAVE,
YES, I'M THE REAL GOD-EMPEROR, AND I'M PRETTY CERTAIN HE WANTS TO CASTRATE AND BRAINWASH YOU WITH CRAZY PHEROMONES, BRO. IN OTHER WORDS, HE'S A BAD MAN. PUT HIM DOWN AND GIVE HIM A WIDE BERTH IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO KICK HIS BUTT.

SIGNED, YOUR BUDDY,

THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

P.S. I THINK YOU MIGHT BE KILLING HIM BY ACCIDENT, LOOSEN UP ON THE HUG.

>>19035055
DEAR SERGEANT FRANK,

WHY DON'T YOU EVER ANSWER MY LETTERS ANYMORE, MAN? I KEEP SENDING YOU ALL SORTS OF ADVICE AND SHIT THAT ONLY I COULD KNOW AND YOU'VE JUST STOPPED LISTENING OR RESPONDING. I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I'M THE GOD-EMPEROR. YOU USED THE LAST ONE TO WIPE YOUR ASS, FRANK. THAT'S NOT COOL.

SEE THAT GIANT GOLDEN LIGHTNING BOLT THAT'S FALLING FROM THE HEAVENS? THAT'S A GIFT. IT'S MY GIFT TO YOU, FRANK. A GLORIOUS SWORD THAT YOU MIGHT LEAD THE CHARGE AND STOP ALL THIS HIDING-BEHIND-ARTILLERY-SCREENS BULLSHIT. ALSO, TO CLEAVE THROUGH THE MAIL SERVITORS.

PLEASE RESPOND, YOUR SAVIOR,

THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

Dear Tzeench,

I'm sorry you didn't have that as planned, you wanted control of my domain, but I just couldn't allow that.

Looking forward to your loss in Chess next week,
Ursarkar E. Creed

P.S.- You never saw this letter coming.

>>19034946
Sergeant Matthew "Strongbad" Vessulius, 23rd Imperialis Regiment

Not only did you compare a mere Servitor to an imperial Commisar (DISRESPECT TOWARDS AN OFFICER Art. [3645/67k]), you also admitted (FAILURE TO CARRY OUT AN ORDER [Art. 9845/25t]) by aimlessly wandering around the Battlezone. Report to your regimental Commissar at the soonest possible occasion.

Commissar Geißler, 205th Cadia

>>19035096
Dear God Emperor

it was Kevin Sullivan i swear

From your favorite pro wrestler
Chris Benoit

PS:And cmon man, you love my matches...I just want to talk with my bro Eddie

>>19035060
Holy shit, is that fucking Doomrider?
I didn't know that Slaaneshi cult had -him.-
Dear Mister Doomrider,
Stay the fuck away from my foxhole,
Nobody is here but me.
And I don't want no mo' trouble, and I just want to starve to death in the name of glorious freakin' Emperor.
Because of this fucking artillery.
Fuck.
Signed,
First Sergeant Frank
205th Cadian Veterans Regiment,
P.S. That commissar better get here soon.

>>19035087

halo is comadr dave ogryn skwad

i pik up rok now all dat left of frend is smush

kan i hav frend nao

>>19035052
Dear Sister,
you can stop fingering yourself to that image of me.
I will enjoy your visit.
-Love Croc

>>19035131
>>19035052
DEAR FUCKWITS

JUST FUCK ALREADY

FROM YOUR FRIENDLY TITAN
TITAN

Dear Tyranids,
Don't be all mad cuz I'm stylin' on you..!
Kerrigan, Queen of Zerg

>>19035055
To Frank,

I hear you're pretty mad. Nice job! Stick with those feelings, man.

Your best friend in this situation,
Khorne

>>19035153
lol

Dear 40K,

Okay, seriously, what the hell? We just bumped into ANOTHER one of your guy's ships whilst we were cruising through the blind eternities. Are you guys trying to invade or something? Because that was like, the fifth or sixth ship we've seen this week and it's only a Tuesday.

Sincerely,

Yaskggh'vaulaagghlr Nithrlga-Flnghargar, Far Realm entity

P.S.

I ate the ship

>>19035109
Lord Commissar, could you please enlighten me as to my alleged infraction or forward your grievance to my CO Brother Captain Tyrolius of the Blood Angels 38th.
Deadman, Assault Sgt Tranch Alpha 35 Slappers

>>19035175
Dear Far Realm entity

You have a lovable interior

with love
A Hard Working Space Marine

>>19035175
Dear Far Realm entity,
Are you sure you're not from Starcraft?
Sincerely,
The Grim Darkness of the 41st millennium

>>19035160
Dear Khorne,
Whats the pay/pussy like with chaos?
these imperials are getting all pissy cause we *accidentaly* Steamrolled their artillery out of anger?
No heresy bro, just askin'
-Platoon Sgt. Croc

>>19035160
Dear, 'Friend.'
I have no idea who you are, but.
I feel I can trust you.
What should I do? I'm pinned down, stuck, I have twenty some-odd lasguns, three melta guns, a plasma pistol, my power fist, my carapace armor, and my trusty Ratling killin' knife.

I have a commissar coming after me, Slaaneshi cultists grasp at my soul- and the artillery is getting closer.
It's my second day without clean water, my fifth without food, and all these mail servitors keep giving away my position. And you know what?
Signed,
[s]First Sergeant Frank
205th Cadian Veterans Regiment,[/s]
Blood for the Blood God.

>>19035043

Assault Sgt Tranch Alpha 35 Slappers

xliv. DISPUTING A DESCISION OF THE DEPARTMENTO MUNITORUM:
Any soldier who wilfull disputes any descision of the Departmento Munitorum shall be construed as having disobeyed a direct order from a superior officer (Art. 9898/25t) and shall be shot.

Commissar Geißler, 205th Cadia

PS: You are not carrying your issued document of the Imperial Munitorum Manual. "Failure to produce the document at a superior officer's request at ANY TIME carries the penalty of death."

DEAR EVERYONE,

KILL, MAIM, BURN, KILL, MAIM, BURN, KILL, MAIM, BURN, KILL, MAIM, BURN, KILL, MAIM, BURN, KILL, MAIM, BURN, KILL, MAIM, BURN, KILL, MAIM, BURN

-CHAMPION OF KHORNE

Carab Culln,
Now, I haven't seen you since the Badab War, but I was wondering; are you interested in smacking around some of the Emperor's Children guys? I heard they're coming into the local system, and my Raptor boys are itching for a fight.

We can taint their supplies and steal their sex toys, and you can hit them hard when they're weak, whadya say?

Looking forward to some more bushwacking,
Lias Issodon "The Grim"

P.S.- I don't give a fuck what Kaedes fucking says, I'm dragging his tin can with me.

Dear fa/tg/uys,

Are we archiving this thread?

halo is dave ogryn gan


wana c pitur i droo here

is dave an bes frend comisar who ded now cuz xeno ate im

xeno eds ar in da air cus we hit dem

>>19035212
Hey Frank we are still on our way. just sneaked past those slutty sisters. we have some supplies but we are in the suck too.
-Croc
P.S. Mah Heretic!

>>19035212
Dear Frank,
Don't listen to that guy. He is a pansy Bitch.
Deadman, Assault Sgt Tranch Alpha 35 Slappers

>>19035120
DEAR CHRIS BENOIT,

I'M OMNISCIENT, DUDE. I CAN SEE YOU DID IT. CLEARLY. GO CRYING BACK TO KHORNE AND SEE IF HE'LL TAKE YOU.

YOU'RE BEYOND REDEMPTION, DICKHEAD,

THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

>>19035096
>>19035121
>>19035212
DEAR SERGEANT FRANK,

TAKE MY SWORD, BRO. IT'S HOLY AND POWERFUL AND HAS YOUR NAME ON IT. LITERALLY, IT HAS YOUR FULL NAME IN HIGH GOTHIC. ALSO, IT'S ENGRAVED WITH BITCHES AND MY FRIENDLY GOATEED VISAGE.

JUST TAKE THE FUCKING SWORD AND BE MY CHAMPION ALREADY. HECK, KILL THE COMMISSAR IF YOU WANT, HE'S A DICKHEAD ANYWAYS AND HAS A HUGE STICK RAMMED UP HIS ASS. HUGER THAN THE ONE UP SLAANESH'S.

FEELING PRETTY DAMN IGNORED HERE,

THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

P.S

STOP LISTENING TO THAT KHORNE FAGGOT, HE'S EVIL AND SHIT AND WANTS TO DRIVE YOU CRAAAZY.

Dear Seargant Frank,
There's a daemonette flirting with me and whenever
another woman tries to come near me she says that
I'm hers. And when I ask why she blushes so hard that her whole body becomes red, giggles and fade away.
Why me, Frank. Why me?

Sincerely, a totally confused individual
P.S. Why would anyone like me that much?

>>19035263
Dear God Emperor

Im telling you, it was SULLIVAN
WHY I WOULD KILL MY WIFE
GOD DAMNIT
AM I GOING TO GO ALL THE WAY TO THIS FUCKIN SHITTER EMPEROR?
I JUST WANT TO TALK TO FUCKING EDDIE
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK

with love
Chris Benoit

>>19035205
Dear Grimdarkness,

Yes, we're sure we're not from Starcraft, we're pretty much a star-sizes ball of flailing tentacles and gaping mouths that is constantly shifting form.
That and we currently have Prismatic Dragon stuck in the teeth of mouth 1476892209

Sincerely,
Yaskggh'vaulaagghlr Nithrlga-Flnghargar, Far Realm entity

>>19035212
Hey, Frank
Khrone's a little bitch, trust me.
Instead, you can join my boys. We don't like the Commisar bullshit and we could use a guy like you.

Signed,
Ursarkar E. Creed

P.S.- If you see that bitch, Tzeench; tell that fucker to respond to my letter. I don't want to make Kell do useless work.

>>19035263
dear God Emperor,
You take the shit yet?
Ive been intercepting your messages, just wanted to say your not being ignored bro.
-PLTSGT. Croc

>>19034946
dave like box

>>19035289
Because it's a fucking lie.
Now man up and dedicate yourself to Khorne.
>>19035251
Good, why aren't we killing yet?
Signed,
First Sergeant Frank,
Frank's Bloodletters.

>>19035305
Dear Flngh

Sounds like StarCraft to me bro
also i REALLY like what you did in your stomach
You do though need a more red to live up the place

With Love
A Hard Working Space Marine

>>19035244
Why, it's beautiful!
So beautiful in fact, we didn't think the Space Wolves would mind if we replaced their banner with it while we... uh... "borrowed" theirs!
Your friends,
--The Blood Ravens

>>19035263
Dear God-Emperor of Mankind
Why do you keep devouring Psykers and why are you so surprised when we eventually bail or go crazy
Sincerely
Gat , Psyker

((OP here. I never thought this would be so popular.
I'm so tempted to do another one tomorrow.))

>>19035312
Whats the pay like? seriously for all the SPASE MURINE hype the pay is total shit.
-Sgt. Croc

Dear Abbadon,
I am writing to inform you that I will not be returning your arms, as I have had them stuffed and mounted above my fireplace.

Sincerely, Ursarkar E. Creed

>>19035335
>>19035335
>>19035335
>>19035335
>>19035335
>>19035335
>>19035335
>>19035335
So what's the deal at this point?
Do you want to archive this thread or anything?

>>19034948
ar yo make comisar mov like dat? he liv but him hed gon.

ples stop frend geting blud on oder frend

comisar yel at dave make him clena it up

comisar ded

him get mad at dave for let him ded

bad dave

>>19035219
I brought the matter to the attention of my nearest Commissar, and was not shot as that would be wasting ammunition necessary to deal with the REAL heretics. Commissar Lawton demanded instead I send this message as penance. In addition, I am carrying my muni thorium manual, but that section was damaged by mutant blood. I have since been issued a new copy, I will keep it in a sealed pocket.
Deadman, Assault Sgt, Tranch Alpha 35 Slappers

>>19035347
((Archive it, by all means, archive it. I'm a newfag, this is like, my second ever thread.))

>>19035342
Sgt. Croc
I'm fucking Ursakar E. Creed of Imperial forces of Cadia. I fucking run Cadia, I am THE Cadian Shock Trooper. Now, you fuckers want a goddamn pay raise and an extra year of life or not?

(((I have been sitting waiting for someone to ask for it to be archived)))

>>19035347

That's an incredible depiction of Ullanor.

Well, minus the part where Horus can't fit through the door sideways. Also, I think it might be 1-2 primarchs heavy.

Dear Dark Angels,

You have no idea what's coming.

-Cypher

Dear Yaskggh'vaulaagghlr Nithrlga-Flnghargar,

Would you please stop sending all those little abominations to the material plane? It is becoming rather annoying having to get rid of them all of the time.

Sincerely,
Jozan, human cleric of Pelor

>>19035322
Frank My platoon of berzerkers is coming kill with your bloodletters.
- Crazy Croc

>>19035297
DEAR CHRIS BENOIT,

LISTEN, AS A FAVOR TO YOU, I'LL PUT HIM ON THE VOX, BUT YOU'RE STILL NOT GETTING REDEEMED IN MY EYES.

BEGRUDGINGLY,

THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

>>19035315
DEAR PLATOON SERGEANT CROC,
I HAVE SHAT FAR TOO MANY TIMES TO COUNT OVER THE MILENA, SO YEAH.

YOUR ETERNAL SAVIOR,

THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

>>19035322
DEAR BLOOD PACT SCUM FRANK,
YOU COULD'VE BEEN MY CHAMPION, MAN. WE COULD HAVE DONE SOME AWESOME SHIT. AND YET YOU WERE TOO INCREDULOUS OF THE IDEA AND INSTEAD FELL TO CHAOS OUT OF DISBELIEF. THIS WAS SOME GENUINE GOD-GRADE EMPEROR LOVE I WAS DOLING OUT, MAN. I TRIED TO HELP. APPARENTLY IT WASN'T ENOUGH. NOT EVEN MY GLORIOUS GOATEE COULD CONVINCE YOU.

I'LL WEEP FOR YOUR IMMORTAL SOUL,

THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

PLEASE COME BACK TO THE RIGHT SIDE, FRANK. PLEASE.

>>19035331
DEAR GAT,
IT'S NOT BY CHOICE, MAN. I THINK THEY- THE HIGH LORDS- WANT ME TO STAY ZOMBIFIED SO I'M INERT AND THEY CAN CLAIM REGENCY, LEAVING ME UNABLE TO DO JACK SHIT OF ANY SIGNIFICANCE AND THEM IN POWER. YET THEY KEEP FEEDING INTO MY POWER WITH MORE AND MORE PSYKERS. SO ONE OF THESE DAYS THE BUBBLE IS GOING TO POP AND I'M GOING TO GET UP OFF MY ASS. THAT OR I'LL DIE AND GET TO BE THE STARCHILD ALREADY. GO FIND THOSE ILLUMINATI DUDES, THEY'LL HELP YOU OUT. THOUGH I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THE FUCK TO FIND THEM.

YOUR ETERNAL SAVIOR, THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

>Frank the Guardsman

>Sister Tralia

>a Leman Russ


>Dave the Ogyrn

>>19035369
A year of life is nice and all but khorne berzerkers get ass like you wouldn't believe sir.
With the utmost respect,
-Crazy Croc

>>19035370
well then go do it...!

>>19035407
Dear Emperor,
Can you please bless my boys? It's been a long fucking war and I'm getting more and more idiot heretics in my ranks.
Hell, at least give them fucking wings to fly.

With much admiration and love,
Ursakar E. Creed

P.S.- Can I get on that poker Action with Tzeench? I feel like really ripping him off for standing me up.

>>19035322

Dear Frank

I apologize if my tone towards you was rather cold in our current conversation. My Thundehawk just got shut down whie I tried to reach you, leaving me in the middle of nowhere. But that's not the real problem.

Since this morning, you violated no less then EIGHT (8) rules and regulations of the Imperial Guard, including, but not limited to:
ILL-TREATMENT OR NEGLECT OF ACCOUNTMENTS (Art. IG 4733/67y)
DISRESPECTFULL SPEECH AGAINST THE EMPEROR (ART. IG 7794/13f)
NOT SHOWING DEVOTION TO THE EMPEROR OR THE IMPERIAL CULT (Art. IG 0493/67k)
DESERTION (Art. IG 0001/01a)
But that's also not the real problem.

The real problem is the fact, that you are a heretic. And I absolutly, positivly can't tolerate this in my company under my watch.
I will hunt you.
I will find you.
I will remove your extremeties and leave you to bleed to death. For the Emperors pleasure.

Regards,
Comissar Geißler, 205th Cadia

>>19035407
Dear God Emperor
Exactly how many tons of explosives would I need and where should they be dropped to blow The High-Lords . Also if that fails which regiment and planet do you recommend for a Psyker .
Sincerely
Gat

>>19035433
*cough* http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/19033036/

dEAR mINATURES,

I rEGRET tHINNG mY pAINTS with mY VITAE. pLEASE bE QUIET.

YOURs mADLY,
MALKAVIAN 40K PLAYER

Dear Jozan,

We would love to stop sending things over to you home, but unfortunately, we can't. That's because if we didn't send them over, you guys would come over to this side and wreck my vegetable garden. Again.

Sincerely,
Yaskggh'vaulaagghlr Nithrlga-Flnghargar, Far Realm entity

Someone archive this shit!

>>19035437
Dear Comissar Geißler, 205th Cadia.
I have but one thing to say to you.
When you hunt me, you will find me.
When you see me, you will feel me.
You will feel the cold, dark, fingers of my fist as I squeeze the life from your chest.
You will feel the rage of your failure to your Emperor.
In my embrace you will fire your final shot, and it will be guided home by your infernal Corpse God.
You will see the blood from the both of our bodies mix together.
And in those final moments, as you serve your father and I serve mine. You will know but one, final, thing.
Khorne will always have his blood.
Signed,
Frank.

>>19035407
Dear God Emperor

Thank you...
That's all i need

With Love
Chris Benoit

Hey Eddie...
It's me...

>>19035357

Dear Assault Sgt "Deadman" Tranch Alpha 35 Slappers,
Sadly I'm currently preoccupied with Frank, but I assure you the instant I am done here I will pay a visit to the Tranch Alpha 35 Slappers. I am especially intrigued by the... lax way your Commissars seem to handle their duty.

Comissar Geißler, 205th Cadia

PS: Excerpt from page 1, Imperial Munitorum Manual: "Failure to ensure this document's safekeeping carries the penalty of death."

Dear Gue'la,

We are from the glorious Empire of Tau, and a gue'vesa has intercepted one of your communications. You have betrayed tactical information of utmost importance, and we are sending a Hunter Cadre to deal with you immediately. Rest assured that you will be subjugated for the greater good.

Sincerely,
Shas'o, a Fire Warrior

P.S.
do you mind if we decline any close-range combat challenges?

>>19035434
DEAR URSAKAR E. CREED,
YEAH, SURE. LOOK UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS. YOU'LL FIND SOME HIDDEN DARK AGE OF TECHNOLOGY JETPACKS. ENOUGH TO EQUIP A GOOD NUMBER OF KASRS. GO GET 'EM.

THE OTHER TACTICAL GENIUS,

THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

P.S
YEAH, LET'S DO THIS SHIT. I WANNA SWINDLE HIM FOR ALL HE'S GOT.

>>19035437
DEAR COMMISSAR GEIßLER,
THAT'S KINDA FUCKED UP, MAN. I DO NOT TAKE ANY PLEASURE IN THAT. YOU CRAZY, SON. AT LEAST TRY TO REDEEM HIM WITHOUT VIOLENCE.

YOUR ETERNAL SAVIOR,

THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

>>19035443
DEAR GAT,
HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW, THOSE ASSHOLES ARE SHADY AS SHIT AND TERRA IS LOCKED UP TIGHTER THAN A PURITAN INQUISTRIX'S KNICKERS. ALSO, THEY'RE ALL PRETTY SHITTY FOR A PSYKER, BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES YOU. JUST TRY AND MAKE DUE WITH WHAT YA GOT.

YOUR ETERNAL SAVIOR,

THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

>>19035469
DEAR FRANK, MY MAIN MAN,
THAT'S SOME FUCKED UP SHIT BRO. DON'T DO IT. JUST DON'T DO IT. I'M BEGGIN' YA. DO I HAVE TO REACH OUT AND COSMICALLY BITCHSLAP THE HERESY OUT OF YOU? IN FACT, YEAH. YEAH, I DO. I'LL SEE YOU IN FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE...

SLAPPING THE TRUTH INTO YOUR SHIT,

THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

P.S

THIS IS GOING TO HURT

OI GITS
I LOST ME CHOPPY BIT IN WUN OF YER GUARDSMEN'S HEAD HATS, CAN I GIT IT BACK

-FROM
ORK

>>19035498
Glorious Emperor,
Tzeench is a sucker when I show up because I know he's thinking 18 moves ahead.
Me? I make it up as I go.

He's going to be losing a lot of Thrones.

Much respect,
Ursakar E. Creed

P.S.- He gets shifty when he has nothing.

>>19035498
DEAR GOD EMPEROR

SUP, MAN
SOME GOOD TIMES WE HAD AT THE HORUS HERESY EH

FROM YOUR FRIENDLY TITAN
TITAN

>>19035512
Dear Ork,
Remember how WAAAAGH! Irongol worked out?

Love,
The Raptor Chapter.

>>19035494
I will save youths trouble. Such infractions are forgiven due to the fact that there are warp incursions all over Tranch. Apparently no one has apprised you of the situation here on Tranch. The death of a Pariah would be a serious blow to resources. For further questions, please direct them to the Tranch Commissariat or Officio Assassinorum.
Deadman, Assault Sgt, Tranch Alpha 35 Slappers

>>19035533
DEAR 'UMIE
WE GOT A FITE, AND I KRUMPED LOTSA YER BOYZ, BUT I NEED ME CHOPPY BIT

FROM
ORK

>>19035498
I'm currently stationed on a Jungle planet hellhole where the sun never rises , our Commissar believes himself to be a strategic genius and isn't, half the men are either praying to a Chaos god or high on something and our resident Bolter Bitches squad have secretly converted to Slaanesh wants me dead for being relatively sane and untouched . It can't get much shittier .
Sincerely
Gat

>>19035533
NO! wHY aRE you hERE?
yOU aREN'T sUPPOSED tO be hERE!

bE gONE hAUNTING vISAGE oF dEFEAT AND SHAME!

ohgodtheirstilltaking,
MALKAVIAN 40k PLAYER

>>19035568
Ork,
Krumped? Krumped?! Hah! You fuckers couldn't tell whether or not that patch of dark dirt was where an Ork pissed or a Goddamn Space Marine.

It was a fucking Space Marine.
Feel embarrassed.

Laughing hard,
The Raptor Chapter.

Frank you need any help man? my berzerkers are so bored they chopped down an entire fucking forest...with their heads.
-Croc

>>19035568
FUCKING GREENSKIN,
CAPTAIN GREENHANDS STILL HAS YOUR LITTLE CHOPPA! WHY? BECAUSE IT IS FUCKING AWESOME, THATS WHY! IF YOU THINK YOU'RE A BIG ENOUGH SHIT TO GET IT BACK, COME AT US!

FUCK YOU
-Angry Marines

Dear people of the imperium and xenos scum,

It is nice as always to see such healthy relations as The Scions prepare our 1st, 2nd and 7th crusade forces on a joint task force to ambush a possible black crusade on the edge of the halo stars.

-Ave Emperor
Raltus Castella Chapter Master of the Scions of Dorn

Dear 40k fanbase,

Due to some poor decision making after a corporate after hours party, one that seemly involved a large amount of alcohol and narcotics, we regret to inform you that GamesWorkshop no longer has legal rights the Warhammer 40000 trademark. However the new owner, Shueisha, has agreed to continue the Warhammer 40000 model and universe line. Please look for the new update in the next issue of Shonen Jump.

Sincerely,
GamesWorkshop

>>19035521
DEAR URSAKAR E. CREED
HA HA, OH ME. YOU CRACK ME UP, CREED. YOU ALWAYS DO.

THE OTHER TACTICAL GENIUS,

THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

P.S HE'S ALWAYS SHIFTY, SO I'D RECKON HE'S ALWAYS GOT NOTHIN'

>>19035527
DEAR TITAN,
HELL YEAH MOTHERFUCKER, THAT WAS THE BEST. HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN, MAH APOCALYPSE-CLASS TITAN?

LET'S SHOOT THE SHIT (AND SOME HERETICS) SOME TIME,

THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

>>19035570
DEAR PSYKER GAT,
HAVE A SPOT OF RIGHTEOUS FURY, BUD. NOTICE THAT YOUR EYES ARE SUDDENLY ON FIRE AND EVERYTHING'S GLOWING WITH A HEAVENLY LIGHT? THAT'S ME GIVING YOU A LITTLE PICK-ME-UP. KILL THOSE HERETICS. KILL THEM WITH MIND BULLETS. HAVE FUN!

YOUR SYMPATHIZING PSYKER FRIEND,

THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

>>19035630
Dear Games Workshop,
I hate the K in your logo
Signed,
Steve Fucking Irwin

I dont know if it's the fact that I'm slowly bleeding that's getting me all philosophical, but doesn't it feel like we're all just pawns in the hands of some higher being stuck perpetual stasis for their amusement?

signed,
a dying guardsmen

Dear God-Emperor.

It hurts when I cough.
I pray to you every night, why am I still sick? :(

Love,
Sally, age 11.

>>19035634
Dear God Emperor
I have successfully killed several of the Heretics and our dim witted Commissar. However my whole glowing eyes thing kind of tipped off the Bolter Bitches and I am now being chased through the Jungle by a massive ten story tall tentacle thing that is being ridden by said Bolter Bitches . Since they keep screaming about how they are going to convert me i'm a bit worried
Sincerely
Gat , Psyker

>>19035660

Because your parents propably are malevolent woreshippers of the dark gods. You should talk with your local eclesiarchy about this.

-a friend.

>>19035660
Dear, Sally

The Emperor has no love for cultists of Nurgle.

- Adeptus Custodes

Dear Sisters of Battle,
To whom it may concern,

My name is AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

>>19035682
Dont worry bro my berzerkers are half a click away.
We kill indiscriminately so try to look sorta redish so we think your one of ours.
-Croc

>>19035689

Dear Mr. Friend

Thank you for the advice, but my legs are too weak to carry me.

Love,
Sally, age 11.

>>19035699

Dear Adeptus Custodes

What's a nurgle? It sounds gross.

Love,
Sally, age 11.

>>19035660
D...DEAR IMPERIAL CITIZEN SALLY,

IT'S BECAUSE... BECAUSE...

IT'S BECAUSE, FOR ALL MY INFINITESIMAL COSMIC POWER, I'M STILL HUMAN. WELL, DEMIHUMAN. A GOD-HUMAN-DEMI-THING. I CAN'T EXERCISE MY POWER AS I SHOULD BECAUSE OF WHAT THE HERETICS DID. SOMETIMES... PEOPLE FALL THROUGH THE CRACKS. I CAN ONLY SPREAD MY WILL SO FAR, AND THEN, OTHER IMPERIAL CITIZENS HAVE TO MAKE UP FOR IT.

I'M SORRY, SALLY. I'M SO VERY SORRY. IF I COULD MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER FOR ALL MANKIND, I WOULD. BUT... IT'S JUST NOT QUITE IN THE CARDS. BEING GOD ISN'T, IN FACT, ALL IT'S CRACKED UP TO BE. THAT HIVE OF YOURS IS A FILTHPIT AND I'M FAIRLY CERTAIN THE GOVERNOR IS A HERETIC OF THE WORST SORT. DON'T SAY THAT IN POLITE COMPANY, THOUGH, OR THE BAD MEN MIGHT COME TO TAKE YOU AND SILENCE YOUR PRAYERS. SPREAD IT IN SECRET TO THOSE YOU TRUST.

I WEEP FOR HAVING TO LISTEN TO YOUR PRAYERS, AND YET UNABLE TO ACT AS GREATLY AS I WOULD. AND THAT WON'T STAND, THIS TIME. BY THE TIME YOU RECEIVE THIS LETTER, YOU SHOULD BE FEELING ALL BETTER, SALLY, BECAUSE I WILL IT TO BE SO.

KEEP PRAYING AND BE GOOD,

THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND.

P.S STOP SNEAKING COOKIES FROM THE JAR, EAT SOMETHING HEALTHY AND YOU'LL FEEL EVEN BETTER.

>>19035682
DEAR PSYKER GAT,
BY ALL THAT IS SACRED AND HOLY, KEEP RUNNING AND HOPE SOMETHING BIGGER THAN THEM DECIDES TO ENGAGE IN HORRIBLE MURDER-SODOMY. TRY AND FIND SOME LEGIT IMPERIALS ONCE YOU LOSE THEM. ALSO, STAY AWAY FROM ALL THE WILDLIFE AND FERAL NATIVES, BECAUSE THEY'RE PROBABLY GOING TO TRY AND SODOMIZE, KILL AND EAT YOU JUST AS THEY'LL TRY TO DO IT TO THE HERETIC SISTERS. NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER.

Dear Commissar,

Just so you know, Mark's been saying penis for the last half hour, and I think he's going to grow a tentacle or something, should I shoot him?

Yours So-Totally-Not-Hiding-Behind-A-Leman-Russ,

Conscript Jack

>>19035712
Dear Croc
i covered in the Blood of those I blew up my robes and armor are red , and due to my violent protests against having my hair shaved or being castrated my tattoos were inked with my own blood . I'll try to help as best as I can but I'm low on Bolter rounds

Dear God-Emperor,

I have been a faithful servant to your for over 40 years. I have tried to stay as close to your word as I can while helping bring the light of your word to the people. I have sat by as I watched my world consumed by xenos, I have fought the tau on the same world. Killed dragons and yet here I sit alone in a cage missing my right arm with no hope of survival, and dying for an answer from you on the throne. I am going to die and feel that I have let you down. For all my failures I can not help but feel that I have ruined my chances of joining your side because maybe I cared for your people too much. I do not know what else to say as I am at a loss for how to respond please forgive my failures.

-Uriah Alvis Priest of the Ecclesiarchy

>>19035745

Dear God-Emperor

It's ok, I'll still give you a big hug when I meet you.

Do the bad men take baths? The governor looks itchy and smelly.

P.S. I'm sorry, I wont eat anymore cookies unless you say so.

Love,
Sally, age 11, your biggest worshiper.

>>19035755
Sounds good 'nuff to me.
With khorne you dont need bullets as long as you can hit and kick. we'll get you some "real" Chaos armor if you survive.

Dear Voices in my head,

WHY WON'T YOU STOP OH GOD THIS IS WHAT MY CHURCHES PRIEST TOLD ME ABOUT.
I KEEP RECITING LITANIES TO THE EMPRAH BUT YOU KEEP TALKING...

I don't want to be taken away like my psyker sister...

Love,
A faithful Imperial citizen of Random Hiveworld #3124515

>>19035802
Dear Croc
I am currently holed up in a small tree log and am now able to write with more control . The Bolter bitches have encountered a local creature and are sodomizing it . Bring tanks . Lots and lots of tanks
Sincerely
Gat ,Psyker

>>19035826
its cool man we have rocks.
no more ammo but rocks should do the trick.
no more tanks but we have Khorne's blessing.
when you hear loud fits of rage near by, get the fuck out of the try before we accidentally level it.
-Insane Croc
P.S. we are riding lizards the size of horses.
they eat anything that is dead. Dont die.

>>19035807
Dear Imperial citizen,

You're fucked. I suggest going to see your local Chaos Cult Leader before the Imps get to you.

Love,
Tze- I mean the EMPRAH.

>>19035766
DEAR URIAH ALVIS,
DO NOT FRET, MY SON. YOU HAVE LIVED A LIFE OF VIRTUE, A RATHER LONG ONE IN FACT, AS FAR AS THE AVERAGE CITIZEN GOES, AND HAVE DONE MUCH. THE SMALLEST VIRTUOUS ACTS OF EACH CITIZEN CAN HAVE WIDE-REACHING EFFECTS, AND YOURS WERE NO DIFFERENT, FOR YOUR PIETY HAS RESULTED IN THE SALVATION OF MANY AND WILL RESULT IN THE EVENTUAL SUCCESS OF THE CAMPAIGN YOU HAVE ACCOMPANIED, FOR YOU HELD THE LINE AND KEPT UP THE FAITH OF THE REGIMENT, MUCH OF WHICH STILL LIVES.

I WILL SHEPHERD YOU TO SAFETY, AFTER YOU ARE GONE. HAVE NO FEAR, AND DO NOT REGRET, FOR YOU HAVE PLAYED YOUR PART.

CLOSE YOUR EYES, AND FEEL PEACE, MY SON,

THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

>>19035790
DEAR SALLY,
YOU NEED TO GO, SOON. INDEED, THE BAD MEN DO NOT TAKE BATHS. THAT ISN'T A RESULT OF YOUR HIVE BEING A BIT GRUBBY, LIKE MOST, IT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE SERVANTS OF CHAOS.

ARE YOUR PARENTS LIKE THE BAD MEN, SALLY? I... I HOPE THEY AREN'T. IF NOT, YOU NEED TO TAKE THEM WITH YOU. OTHERWISE... YOU MIGHT HAVE TO SAY GOODBYE. NOT IN PERSON, IN A NOTE. AND THEN YOU NEED TO RUN. THERE WILL BE A FREIGHTER AT THE STARPORT; YOUR WORLD HAS NOT OPENLY REVOLTED AGAINST IMPERIAL RULE YET AND IMPERIAL TRADE STILL RUNS THROUGH THE SECTOR. YOU WILL STOW AWAY, AND YOU WILL LIVE ON THAT SHIP, FOR A TIME. EVENTUALLY, AFTER MUCH VOYAGING, IT WILL ARRIVE AT HOLY TERRA ITSELF. I'M NOT CERTAIN HOW MANY YEARS IT WILL TAKE FOR YOU TO SEE IT, BUT I PROMISE, YOU WILL.

YOU WILL FIND PURPOSE AMONGST THE STARS, AND EVENTUALLY, ON HOLY TERRA. DO NOT WORRY, FOR I WATCH OVER YOU.

GO SWIFTLY AND IN GOOD FAITH,

THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

P.S YOU SHOULD GRAB SOME COOKIES WHEN YOU PACK FOOD FOR THE TRIP THROUGH THE HIVE. IT'S OKAY THIS TIME, YOU'LL NEED THAT LITTLE BOOST.

>>19035807
DEAR IMPERIAL CITIZEN,
HAVE FAITH. BE STRONG. DO NOT LET THE VOICES OVERTAKE YOU. I AM WITH YOU, MY SON, AND WE SHALL NOT FALTER. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE A PSYKER OR NOT; IF YOU ARE, YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND A BLACK SHIP. THEY WILL KNOW WHAT TO DO TO SILENCE THE VOICES AND WHAT TO DO WITH YOU. OTHERWISE, YOU NEED SIMPLY BE STRONG.

GUARD YOUR MIND AGAINST THE HERESIES OF THE UNIVERSE,

THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

>>19035875
Dear Croc
My precious log has been destroyed and I currently running past your position at full sprint while screaming the protection chant of the Star Shanks. Before i pass out from blood loss and terror please point me to your ship so i can prepare my mind for the Warp and get some sleep .
Sincerely
Gat ,Psyker

>>19035894
Dear Forces of Chaos,
FUCK OFF DEMON, YOU SHALL NOT TAINT ME!
From Imperial Citizen.

>>19035901
Oh most Holy and Revered God Emprah of Mankind,
You are a Light in the darkness, oh great one. I thank you for your advice.

I believe I may be a psyker, as demons have whispered in my ears...but with you Light, I have driven them off.
There is a squad of your Holy and Devout Marines positioned a few blocks away from my dirt shed where I live, would they be able, nay, willing to help a psyker get off planet?

I know that I risk being killed if the Marine doesn't have time, but if I die, I die for you, Emprah.

Imperial Citizen 109276246204867.3

A 100ft tall slaanesh monstrosity's corpse fell on and killed our glorious platoon sergeant Croc after he single handedly killed it. his last words were: AAAWW FUCK NAAW!
im sorry to bring this bad news to you.
-chaos berzerker Greg

>>19035897
.
Dear God-Emperor

My mommy was a little stinky when I last saw her. I don't know where daddy is. :(

If you think I can make it, I'll do my best! :)

Maybe I can become one of your angels!

P.S. YAY!

Love,
Sally, age 11.

>>19035925
P.S. Our ship is 4.5 clicks to the northwest of the forest, we will escort you there.
-Greg

>>19035939
Imperial Citizen,

Aw come on. I'll show you how to use those powers of yours...no chance of death at all....plus I can get some bitches from Slaneesh for you...

Love, Tzeentch.

>>19035939
DEAR FAITHFUL IMPERIAL PSYKER,
IT IS NOT NECESSARILY THEIR DUTY. YOU NEED TO FIND A BLACK SHIP TO HAVE A GOOD CHANCE OF GETTING OUT OF THERE SAFELY.

WHAT CHAPTER ARE THEY FROM? IS THIS DURING WARTIME, OR PEACETIME? YOU MAY BE ABLE TO SEEK HELP FROM THEM, BUT I MUST KNOW A BIT MORE BEFORE I ADVISE YOU.

YOUR ETERNAL SAVIOR,

THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

>>19035897
To the impotent leader of the humans,

You robbed that child of my blessing. Her pain would have lasted for only a time, and then she would have been granted an unending life without suffering, nuturing my greatest gifts within her very flesh to spread to others still caught in your false rule. You, yourself are nothing more than a withered spectre of a creature; a visage of death that inspires the death of so many.

One day, I will see the souls you manipulate freed by my garden's bounty.The tragedy you've heaped on Sally's life will not be repeated with another child again; not while I still have strength.

With love for all life,
Papa Nurgle

>>19035962
Dear Greg
I am the jerking twitching thing on the ground surrounded by fire . Do not worry this is normal . Simply carry me to your ship put me in the med bay or a cabin and I will be able to operate as usual . Now I have to pass out
Sincerely
Gat , Psyker

Dear Veteran Frank of the 205th -

It pleases me to inform you that, in order to purge an unholy world we had to make use of Sister Tralia in a different way. Let's just say she's aHEAD of the curve! Ah haha.. ahh, I crack myself up sometimes. Murder, I love it!

Oh yeah, I took your meltagun back, and I was sending it on the earliest Imperial transport back to Cadia, but unfortunately for you I noticed a purple stain on it that could only be tyranid blood. Therefore, the weapon had been contaminated with the blood of xenos and it is my pleasure to inform you that the weapon has been melted down and shipped into the Eye of Terror.

Always yours, Grand Master Matthew of the Grey Knights

>>19035966
Glorious God Emperor of Mankind,
They are Marines of Roboute Guilliman, come to see if they could find any recruit-worthy candidates.

Should I ask them, or make the journey to our Space Dock to look for a Black Ship?

Your word is my command, oh God Emprah.
Imperial Citizen.

>>19035965
Chaos,
OUT OF MY HEAD, DEMON.

Dear Imperium,

Fuck you I thought we were bros. You left us out in the cold for the last damned time. No amount of ass kissing is going to fix this. You dun goofed and we have a grudge against you now. No one dicks around with us and gets away with it.

Sincerely,
The Demiurge (The race formerly known as the Squats)

P.S. The first fucker to make some comment about a 'short' temper or what not gets a headbutt in the genitals.

P.P.S. Eat a dick.

>>19036010
Most Glorious Demiurge,

Have you considered the Greater Good? We're an equal-opportunity employer, and would be more than happy to accept you into our ranks. Even some of the demystified Imperial Citizen have already joined us! If that doesn't prove what a righteous cause the Greater Good is, I don't know what does!

Waiting eagerly for your response,
A member of the Tau Empire, Water Caste.

>>19035961
DEAR SALLY,
I HOPE SO. NOW GO, QUICKLY. PRAY AGAIN WHEN YOU ARE SAFE. THE SHIP YOU MUST FIND IS THE ONE OF GOLD AND IVORY AND AZURE, WITH A GREAT RED EAGLE EMBLAZONED ON THE SIDE. IT BELONGS TO A ROGUE TRADER OF SOME SMALL RENOWN. YOU CAN'T MISS IT..

BE STRONG,

THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

>>19035982
DEAR NURGLITCH,
YOUR LOVE IS AS TWISTED, UNINTENTIONALLY CRUEL AND SICKENING AS IT IS SINCERE AND UNFALTERING. THAT CHILD WOULD HAVE KNOWN AN ETERNITY OF SUFFERING AND MADNESS AT YOUR HANDS. I HAVE SEEN TO IT THAT SHE DOES NOT FALL TO THAT AGONY AND HORROR.

I HAVE LAID MANY A VISION OF YOUR ATROCITIES TO BE UPON THAT HIVE WORLD, AND FORCES EVEN NOW ARE PREPARED TO STRIKE OUT AGAINST YOUR TWISTED SLAVES AND FREE THE FAITHFUL. SALLY WILL GO ON TO BE A PROPHET OF IMPERIAL VIRTUE. I'M GUESSING YOU HOPED THE SAME FOR HER, IN YOUR FALSE WORDS OF ENDEARMENT?

GO CHOKE ON A MILLION AIDS-INFESTED COCKS,

THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

>>19035897
God-Emperor

You heard me, I am shocked I have been so lost these last few days the things I have seen in this forgeworld are disturbing me. Mutants living in the Ice-warrens. Whores to every side of me, sins of more carnal natures. And this crime boss who stole my arm and means to put me to death tomorrow by gladiatorial combat. I am just glad to know that YOU are there for me and will be with in this final fight I take against the son of Gulliman who took my arm.

-Uriah Alvis

>>19036035

Dear Water Caste Member,

Thank you for your most generous offer. So long as there is food we are on board. We would like the right of genital headbutting written into our terms of employment however. Provided we can come to an agreement I see a long and prosperous partnership ahead of us.

Regards,
The Demiurge

P.S. You show me your tech and I show you mine.

>>19036010
Dear Squats

We judge that this shall prove to be a small problem.
We expect little resistance, and remind you that our military dwarfs yours.

Love, the Imperium of man.

P.S. You were never more than a̶ ̶d̶i̶m̶i̶n̶u̶t̶i̶v̶e̶ the diminutive part of our armed forces.

... ......,

..... ... ........... ... ........ . ..........
... ............ ... ...... ..........? ............ ...! .......... ... .......... .. .............................. . ... ....... . ...... ..........!

>:P

..........,

...... ............ ................ ... .......

>>19036078
To Our Friends The Demiurge,
The contract has already been written up. There's a small part about you having to submit yourself to the Greater Good, and all, but as long as you just pretend that in front of our Etheral Caste, you can have all the genital headbutting and food that you want.

Can't wait to share Tech with eachother, and here's to a prosperous friendship,
Tau Water Caste.

>>19036086
Imperium of Man,
I've heard something recently about us Tau being chosen by your God Emperor? Hows that going?
Hahaha,
Tau.

>>19036120
Dear Tau

Who are you?

Sincerely, The Imperium of Man.

>>19036144
Burn!
-The Eldar, secretly monitoring all of this.

P.S. Not so secret now, I guess..

>>19036144
Imperium of Man,
We're the guys that successfully stopped you from reclaiming the planets we took from you.
You know, over on the Eastern Fringe?

Love, Tau

P.S. All the gue'vesa bitches say that Tau cock is much better than human cock.

>>19036004
DEAR FAITHFUL IMPERIAL PSYKER,

I'LL LEAVE IT UP TO YOU. THE ULTRAMARINES ARE KIND OF DICKHEADS, BUT IF YOUR POWERS ARE OF ANY GREAT DEGREE, THEN YOU MAY BECOME A LIBRARIAN IN THEIR RANKS. THE BLACK SHIPS ARE A MORE RELIABLE SOLUTION TO YOUR TROUBLES, HOWEVER. I SUGGEST TRYING THE ULTRAMARINES FIRST, THEN THE BLACK SHIPS IF THAT FAILS.

TEMPER YOUR FAITH WITH WIDSOM,

THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

>>19036010
DEAR SQUATS,

YEAH, THE HIGH LORDS SERIOUSLY DROPPED THE BALL ON THAT ONE, ABANDONING YOU TO THE 'NIDS. THEY'RE FUCKING CUNTS THEY ARE. I KNOW A SQUAT IS UNLIKELY TO FORGIVE, EVEN AFTER CENTURIES, AND DO NOT EXPECT SUCH FROM YOU OR YOUR ANCESTORS. KNOW THAT I HOLD NO ILL FEELINGS OVER YOURS.

MAY YOU CARVE YOUR HOME FROM THE ENDLESS VOID AND SWALLOW UP YOUR ENEMIES THROUGH IT,

THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

>>19036050
DEAR URIAH ALVIS,

GIVE THOSE FUCKING HERETICS HELL. I'VE SEEN TO IT WITH A LITTLE SUGGESTION AT THE BACK OF THE GLADIATOR MASTER'S MIND THAT THEY GRAFT A BIONIC CLOSE COMBAT ARM TO YOUR STUMP, SO YOU'LL TAKE A GOOD FEW OF THE BLOODTHIRSTY BASTARDS WITH YOU.

LET THEM KNOW YOUR RIGHTEOUS FURY,

THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

>>19036086

Dear Grox Fuckers,

We see what you did there. You had best enjoy your genitals whilst you still have them unrustled and unheadbutted. We won't forget this anytime soon. It may not be your genitals, nor even your children's genitals. But somewhere down the line, when you think everything is safe and you are least prepared, BAM! Headbutt in the genitals of your descendants. And we will headbutt so hard that the next Imperium wannabe is going to feel it.

Up Yours,
The Demiurge

>>19036120

Dear Tau,

Signed. Sealed. And delivered. Now where is the buffet table?

Eager to get their eat on,
The Demiurge

>The waredsh
.... That is scarily close to HE SHOULD NOT BE NAMED captcha...

>>19036099

Hey man! How you doing?
Keeping yourself busy with 'nids still, or just chilling out on the tomb would?

We should hang out some time.

Your BFF,
Blood Angel Battle Brother Luca

P.S. Hey Emperor, can you raise my allowance? I've been really wanting this sweet thunder hammer.

>>19036177
Most Glorious and Wise Emprah of Mankind,
One of the local Ultramarines was a Librarian! He told me that he had heard the conversation, and that I would not be executed for heresy!

I start training to be one of your Holy Marines by this time next moon. The Librarian say that I may not survive, but if I die, then I die to ensure that only your Finest become the Holy Defenders of Man.

May you live forever on your Golden Throne, and thank you for the advice,
Ultramarine Recruit.

>>19036181
Demiurg,
Come to T'au! We have a buffet set up in your honor.
It might be a little weird when the Etherals arrive, but they'll be gone within the hour. Then it's a party!
Tau

Dear Imperium,

Did we upset you or something? We haven't heard from you guys in a while, and we're kind of worried that we said something that might have offended you. We'd love to hang out again sometime!

Yours Truly,
The Squats

>>19036177

Dear Big E,

Its all good. You were a pretty cool guy even though we never really got to meet you. We did hear about that time you punched Russ in the face because he was being recalcitrant though, so we figure you would know where we are coming from. Don't worry, when we finish with the headbutting we'll find a way to either get you up and running again, or at least pimp out your chair so it is mobile. If you have any ideas try and get in contact with one of our Living Ancestors. Being psykers and all they can probably work things out with you quicker than us little engineering folk.

Not too fussed with you,
The Demiurge

>>19036176
Dear "Tau".

...
Come again?

Confused, Imperium of Man.

>>19036233

Dear Squats

It is about time we found you idiots that missing the boarding call. We live on ships now and have a new name. Give us your co-ordinates so we can pick you up and bring you up to speed. And headbutt whatever moron kept your communications turned off. We have been trying to call for decades now.

Your 'Cousins',
The Demiurge

>>19036216
DEAR FAITHFUL LIBRARIAN-IN-TRAINING,

GOOD FOR YOU. I ONLY HOPE THAT YOUR PERSONALITY IS INTACT AFTER THE CHANGE. MOST RECRUITS, AFTER BECOMING MARINES, ARE NOT ENTIRELY AS THEY WERE, THOUGH RETAINING SOME CHARACTERISTICS.

MAY YOU STRIKE DOWN THE FOES OF HUMANITY,

THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

>>19036234
DEAR DEMIURGE,

HA HA, YEAH. RUSS WAS ALWAYS A BASTARD, AND HAD AN APPETITE FOR FOOD, BOOZE AND WHORES LIKE YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE, BUT IN A GOOD WAY. HENCE WHY THEY NAMED THE MBT OF THE GUARD AFTER HIM. I DON'T KNOW, BUT HE MIGHT STILL BE KICKING AROUND THE WARP SLAPPING CHAOS'S SHIT.

IN ANY CASE, DON'T TRUST THOSE TAU FAGGOTS, ESPECIALLY THE AUN. JUST USE 'EM FOR YOUR OWN ENDS. THEY'RE BLOODY UNTRUSTWORTHY GITS WHO USE MINDCONTROLLING PHEROMONES AND ADVOCATE ATROCITIES ON THE LEVEL OF THE HURTING IMPERIUM UNDER THE HIGH LORDS. EXCEPT THEY DIDN'T GO THROUGH A CATACLYSM OF COLOSSAL SCALE AND A NUMBER OF TECHNOLOGICAL CRISES BEFORE THEY STARTED MAKING WEAPONS WHOSE TARGETING SYSTEMS TURNED YOUR BRAIN INTO GOO AND WHITE HOT PLASMA OR DROVE THE DRIVER INSANE OR CAUSED ANY NUMBER OF OTHER NASTY EFFECTS, FOR THEIR 'GREATER GOOD.'

>>19036310

Dear Holy Emperor,

It's me again, really wanting to know if I can get more for my allowance.

Thanks,

Blood Angel Battle Brother Luca

Also

Tau,
Stop building moon cannons, it's really fucking annoying.

>>19036310

Dear Big E,

You raise excellent points. However in our defense, they offered us food. Lots of food. Plus we are totally using them anyway. Once we figure out that suit tech so we can build some Exo-armor that doesn't looke Sororitas-on-head ogryn we will jump ship. These Kroot fellows seem pretty cool as well so we might try and bring them along with us.

Straight chillin,
The Demiurge

P.S. If we see Russ or any of your other bastard children during our travels we will make sure to say 'Hi' on your behalf.

Dear Daddy "Emprah",

When am I coming home daddy? It's cold here and I miss you...

Love, II

Dear God-Emperor,

Thank you for the help and I wish I could continue our conversation but I continue to be drugged so much so that I can not maintain consciousness so I thank you.

Uriah Alvis

>>19036370
DEAR BATTLE BROTHER LUCA,
NO, STOP ASKING. GO DO SOMETHING NOTABLE AND I'LL RAISE IT. YOU'RE A BIG MARINE NOW AND SHOULD LEARN A THING OR TO ABOUT SELF-SUFFICIENCY WHEN YOU GO PURGING HERETICS.

YOUR ETERNAL SAVIOR,

THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

>>19036407
DEAR DEMIURGE,

REALLY? THE KROOT? DON'T THEY, Y'KNOW... EAT PEOPLE AND STEAL THEIR GENES? THAT'S KINDA NASTY. AND THEY'RE NOT ABHUMANS, THEY'RE XENOS AND LOYAL TO THE AUN TO BOOT. SEEMS KINDA UNLIKELY THEY'D JOIN YOU OR THE IMPERIUM, DESPITE THE FACT THEY DO MERCENARY WORK FOR MOST ANYONE, BUT HEY, YOU'RE WELCOME TO TRY.

FUCK THE BLUEBERRY BUSTAS,

THE BIG E.

>>19036486
But daaaaaad, I've already killed like, what, twenty chaos marines? And those bastard Blood Ravens stole my power sword.

Also the Reclusiarch thinks I've got a high chance of getting the black rage, so it's not like I won't have like...six thunder hammers by the end of the week.

>>19036560
BACK IN MY DAY, SONNY, WE HAD TO GO OVER THE TOP OF THE TRENCHES AND FIGHT THE CHAOS MARINES UPHILL, BOTH WAYS, ON FOOT, WITHOUT ANY ARMORED SUPPORT BECAUSE THE DARK MECHANICUS WENT AND STOLE ALL OF IT, IN THE NUCLEAR WINTER, WITH NOTHING BUT A FEW BUSTED FUNKY-LOOKING BOLTERS AND SOME ROID-RAGING FIRST EDITION INSANE SPACE MARINE GRIT TO OUR NAMES! SO DON'T GO WHINING TO THE EMPEROR ABOUT YER GAD-DANGED POWER SWORD!

Dear Omnissiah,
Where did the instruction manual to the Golden Throne go? We're having trouble deciphering the runes upon thine Glorious Throne from which you rule the untold vastness of the Imperium.

Deliver us from ignorance,
Archmagus Arcweld III

PS. Specifically those little pronged bits on the end of a cable that joins the Throne to the Palace.

Dear Starcraft,
HOW THE FUCK DO YOU GUYS KEEP FROM GETTING SUED?!
Sincerely,
People that know what what Warhammer is.

Dear Emperor

I have been doing my best to keep my little corner of the Imperium from falling to chaos, tyranids or Eldar machinations. But somehow we just got this weird 'dreamstone' out of nowhere, it's warp-active, and appears to be naturally occuring somewhere that didn't have it before. And everyone's memory is being overwritten except mine and my pet untouchable's.

Any help would be appreciated.

Inquisitor VGS, Ordo Xenos

Dear Emperor,
Why did I get addicted to Warhammer 40k fluff right when I should be studying for the bar exam?
Yours,
A lowly Terran...