We also have a fair bit of OC going. I tried to recreate that parody of the GI Joe Movie Opening Lyrics that referenced necrons, but I’m having a lot of trouble with that, I’d particularly appreciate input on replacements for ‘Yo Joe’ and ‘freedom’. Right now I have ‘No Xenos’ and ‘Humanity’ which I think frankly don’t cut it. For those who are wondering what I mean: youtube: watch?v=HlUyqxmv2DA

Small addendum to this session for the benefit of last thread. 5th Edition Space Marines codex specifically refers to Necrons having void shields. As for the night scythe, I ain’t gotta explain shit. Also we had pretty much demonstrated the ability to use necron portals without disintegrating earlier.

To give credit where credit is due, the GM adapted to the new tone. The necrons all sport comparable but weakened statblocks, IE gauss still deals autocrit but its 1d10-3, meaning we fought hordes of them etc. Furthermore we all got to pick one ridiculous cartooney upgrade to have. Ivan got a grenade launcher with the “Storm” quality. It still has clip 6, but well, STORM. Mir got some goggles and red gloves, as well as an NPC Adept called little Johnny to essentially give him a +10 via assisting on most non-combat actions. I got the Bring It Down tabletop ability in talent form: By spending a full action, I could designate a target, for which attacks made against it would righteous fury on a 9 or 10. Given we continued to righteous fury on one of every 2 to 2.5 damage dice rolled, this ability was actually weaker than you might think. I also got my bionic hand, which gave me half of all bonuses for a bionic arm.

Dwayne got several ones. To start with, the previously promised necron tech proficiencies, and following up, the hotshot pilot talent, and two homebrewed heavy weapons talents that respectively allowed for slow movement while firing a heavy weapon, and something wherein missed shots had a chance of hitting nearby targets.

Stern got an Improved Hat, which would negate the damage from the first headshot he took each session as it flew off. Also, he got one of every bolt round, as well as a magazine or two of some kinds of bolt rounds that don’t even exist. To start with there was a bolt-round that represented every grenade in the game (krak, frag, photon, hallucinogen etc). There were also some really out there ones. Standouts in this category include GRAPNEL, NET, and CRYO.

Our newest recruits, Gunner T. (Mr. Meltagun) and Vasily (The scout) respectively got a bag of many things (Draw any miscellaneous item, batman style) and a camo cloak, possibly of an improved variety.

Obviously we all took the opportunity to beef up our regular equipment, gaining the next step up the armour ladder, Enforcer (At this rate we’ll be in Light Power Armor in two sessions!). I picked up a Ryza pistol and Power sword as my respective next steps up the equipment escheladder. Also, there was a new rule: +10 on the next test made after a one liner. We were allowed to borrow from other series. Good god, so many bad puns. I wish I had taken them down, I have a horrible memory for this stuff. The only one I really remember was “Let’s just flay nice, ok?” which I said upon having two flayed ones phase into melee on either side of me. If the other’s want to contribute, they should feel free.

I’d also like to mentioned that in addition to the logs, you will also get some OC. Gunner’s player is working on a video which, while it was ready for us to see this session, due to technical difficulties isn’t rendering an output at more than thumbnail resolutions. That will probably come next week. I do in the meanwhile, have Sarge’s in character Uplifting Primer Fanfiction, an entry for the Necrons. It does not, thus far, reference the Necron strains we would only encounter in this mission.

The Necrons are a race of metal creatures that mock the human form like so many others by their cooption of its parts. They live in subterranean cities, cowering from Imperial might, often on dead worlds where they are less likely to be discovered. Their sciences are almost comparable to that of the Imperium, but their tactical and strategic competence is so stunted that they can lie beneath settlements for centuries before their ineffectual attempts at impeding the Imperium’s march of progress are noticed. Fearful that the Imperium will capture and use their own weapons against them, Necron’s are all equipped with self-destruct devices which their insidious leaders will trigger when they are too damaged to continue struggling against our might. The joke is on them though, because we don’t want their useless technology!

Wraiths: These powerful creatures serve as the finest examples of what few aspects of human perfection the necrons have mastered. They are large, resilient, and doggedly determined to continue fighting. However, they are held back by the same weaknesses which plague their entire race: they are slow in movement, and slow of mind. To emulate the mistakes that so cripple them will result in swift execution, just as it will for them. Wraiths possess the curious ability to fly, and pass through solid objects, one that they employ almost entirely in an attempt to learn and imitate more of the discipline and skill of the Emperor's forces. It can occasionally however result in a blow that should have by all rights felled the beast instead passing through it harmlessly. Do not stop to curse your misfortune if this happens, the next shot you make will be the last that it sees.

oh boy, storytime!

Warriors: The rank and file of the necron menace. Necron Warriors can serve as useful training in fighting the necron menace. They are incredibly tenacious, and whilst a single lasbolt will sometimes seem to have felled them, this is primarily due to their poor sense of balance, so be vigilant! Take care to avoid the beams projected by their rifles: While warriors are some of the poorest shots among known xenos species and this is a low bar indeed, if they manage to hit you, it will smart quite a bit.
As such, engaging warriors at short range would not be advised as they may actually be able to hit you there. However, if it happens that they are teleported into this distance, you should take the opportunity to throw a krak grenade at them. There is little that compares to the sight of one of these flimsy xenos shattering into pieces under its intense power.

Flayed Ones: As the majority of necrons will never live long enough to successfully slay one of the Emperor's servants, these clawed fiends instead choose to take their frustration out on the bodies of the dead rather than the living, proving that no act of cowardice and desecration is beneath the necron menace. If you believe that the necron threat has reared its head, you should begin cremating those who have returned to the Emperor, so that their body, and dignity, remains unmolested. If confronted, Flayed ones will likely attempt to menace you with their sharp claws, issued because their even their vile superiors were too disgusted by their gutless disposition to issue them a gun. Whilst these blades are dangerous, in necron hands they are wielded with all the coordination, grace and speed of a mewling babe. Flayed ones, as the most cowardly of all necrons, may be able to sneak into close quarters with your squad without being incinerated by las fire. In the event that this occurs, a combat knife or bayonet should prove adequate to fend off their clumsy flailing.

Scarabs: Some speculate that these low flying gribblies serve the role of dogs to the skeletal foe. These should be considered to be the most deadly of all necrons, because in sufficient numbers, at close range, and with the element of surprise, they pose an actual danger to the forces of the Emperor. As such, you should always target the scarabs first! Even if a larger, more threatening looking necron is nearby, this is trickery, a distraction: you should always consider scarabs to be priority targets. Fortunately, they are made of the same weak and buttery metallic substance as the rest of their ilk, and being far smaller, can be dispatched with a single las-shot each.

And now, the session begins.
As we shuttled up to the Lord General’s ship in a valkyrie outfitted with unimaginable opulence, we were informed we’d be unable to meet him, as there was a mission of immediate importance to handle. For unknowable reasons, the Planetary Governor’s daughter, Princess, had been kidnapped by the Necron Menace. And you know, in hindsight, we never actually DID figure out why. Increased insight into Necron technology based on data recovered from our... salvage operation, allowed them to pinpoint that the appropriate tomb was located beneath the surface of one of the planet’s two moons. Boy this world really needs a name.

We were launched via boarding torpedo from an Imperial ship, its hull breaching drill being one of the best methods of getting through the moon’s crust. Its notable that this was not a good trip for me. Whilst most people were okay with the acceleration and deceleration, I was knocked around the cabin like a human pinball as I repeatedly failed my Ag tests. This is also when we discovered the presence of Johnny. Mir handed him *an inferno pistol* because this couldn’t possibly go wrong. I’m not sure if Johnny ever used it. I don't think he did.

Exiting the boarding ramp, we were greeted with the same kind of empty metal corridors the tombship had made us used to. However, we didn’t have far to go. Only 50m or so down, we saw a landmark already. On an epiphany, some of us recognised it as a Necron Monolith. A clear glass screen lit up ahead of it, revealing the glowing metallic skull of a necron projected all large-like. It cackled. “AHA, Alpha Team. It seems you’ve fallen into my trap.”

Out of character this shook our composure slightly. This was, well, I guess the whole daughter kidnapping seemed plausible up till now somehow. This was the first SYMPTOM of true Saturday morning Heresy. Stern: “If it is anything like the other poorly considered plans you’ve devised then we shall best it in short order.” Necron: “Silence, you fool, and die!”. Stern shot the screen... because the Emperor. It shattered. 5 Warriors and an Immortal phased in. This would have been a tough but manageable fight earlier. We would soon discover that the rules... had changed.

oh god yes.
WELCOME BACK ALPHA TEAM

Ivans first storm krak took out the first warrior, what with 2RFs on one of said grenades. Mir semi-auto’d his hellgun at another, hitting with both shots, both of which RF’d. This also melted apart another warrior. The Necrons fired back ineffectually. Now, even with the nerfs, they were still pretty scary on paper. Sure, -10BS, but that still left them at 70BS. 1d10-3 crit is still crippling if you are being hit by massed shots. In practice, they were as shit as ever. Gunner fluffed his Melta was pump-action (To aid in merchandising a melta themed supersoaker) as he took out another warrior, and the Immortal was taken out by the next krak barrage. Basically all the bodies hit the floor in short order, and only one or two of them showed any interest in getting back up.

Finishing those, we looked back to see the screen, being necron tech after all, had repaired itself. The Lord was back on there, watching us. The entire floor collapsed beneath us, and we were caught in some kind of suspension field. Before us, we could see the lord himself, and his personal guard of flayed ones. “Ah, nice of you to drop in.” (The GM started weeping after this as he realised how low he had fallen). Stern, because Emperor, fired his boltgun at the lord, but a shield deflected the round. “First, I captured the girl, but now I have the greatest prisoners of all: Yourselves!” Dwayne looked around for the source of the field. His first necron tech use test rolled 59, a failure. Fate to reroll had the tens die rolling all the way across the table before coming to a stop at the edge: 09. A hail of bullets took out the glowing pillar and we dropped safely to the ground.

“You may have escaped, but you will never rescue the princess from inside the Monolith!” gloated the lord. We all sort of looked at each other for a moment, and wordlessly turned away from the lord, ignoring him, and started climbing back up to the first floor.

Looking at the Monolith, we identified a “maintenance entrance”. The thing didn’t seem to be in full KILL EVERYTHING mode right now which was good because the stats on this thing didn’t seem to have suffered the same nerf as the rest of the Necrons had. Mir suggested Dwayne hack the cameras to find out where Princess was. Do Necrons have cameras? Well, with a result like that on necron tech use, they sure do. We found she was in fact in another Monolith. We all sighed and started towards walking out, before Stern had a bright idea. “Let’s drive this Monolith to the other one.” Surprisingly viable because Dwayne is apparently the Lord Superhacker, successfully booting up the Monolith, and making its inbuilt weapons controllable by those who did not share his gifts.

^ GMs face for much of the game so far.

We started the Monolith’s slow and inexorable hovering motion towards the other Monolith, only to find Necron antitank platforms being set up in our path, as well as the more imminent impediment of a wall. Stern fired the particle whip. Using the gauss flayers was not necessary to clean up after the mess that thing made. Its damage stats were “All the dice you can grab in 5 seconds” which was 11d10’s and a d20. The Necron destroyers, and the wall, did not survive.

Drifting on in like the grim green legless kool aid man, Stern saw the other Monolith we were here for up ahead. His instincts as a Commissar reared. “RAMMING SPEED” he shouted. Dwayne complied as best he could, but well, it was already going at its serene maximum speed, so this essentially translated to gently bumping into the other monolith.

We entered the monolith via boarding ramp. Because they totally have those. We found the princess in the control room, tied to a chair and gagged. There was some argument amongst the men at this point, with a lot of fighting over who got to rescue the princess, but the eventual conclusion was “She’s the daughter of a planetary governor, officers only.” The others were sent to sentry posts to check for threats from outside the Monolith.

In accordance with Saturday morning protocol, I ungagged her before untying her, only for to stammer “Don’t... its a trap!”. 10 warriors, an Immortal, and a Destroyer phased in around the Monolith. We all ended up at the top of the monolith. The princess was depicted by a particularly disturbing Catachan model with poorly painted brown skin, eyes that faced in opposite directions away to the sides, and bulging muscles. “She doesn’t have a gun!” was the GMs justification for this choice. I briefly considered the possibility that this universe operates on Adventure Time princess rules.

Whilst I would have shat my pants under the old rules when confronted with this, knowing our damage output could probably annihilate the Immortal, and the warriors weren’t really a threat individually under the new rules, I was pretty confident. I was like, 50:50 as to whether this was merely a prologue to some larger catastrophe. Dwayne’s first act was to try and simply use the Necron phasing system to get us the fuck out. He botched it, burning out the phase system and telefragging our previous Monolith in the botched jump. This also disabled most of the Monolith’s inbuilt weapons. Good going!

We had to deal with these guys the hard way, which, thankfully, was not actually very hard. In fact, purely so I’d have done something cinematic, I jumped out of the Monolith while yelling “Come on you bastards! Just try and hit me!”. I missed the subsequent shots with my plasma pistol despite the bonus this gave me, and the necrons took me up on the offer. On the plus side though, we no longer take fall damage as long as we flip in mid air.

Most of the guys left being warriors, I was fine, most hits missing and a rare few that hit being soaked for the most part. I took a small level of autocrit to the arm that left me at -30BS for one turn: I’d fired the turn before and the gun had recharge. I also took a small amount of autocrit to the leg which temporarily halved movement but I was reconsidering my decision to stray from the Monolith anyway. Stern also jumped off and started shooting it out.

Essentially, we thinned these guys way the hell out in short order, the Destroyer being particularly hard hit since it was the heaviest and most armoured target there, and hence the closest thing to the previous necron statblocks that we’d been adapting our builds and equipment to fight. It was at this point that the next wave turned up. And well, their forces were a bit overwhelming: A Lord, a Destroyer Lord, 3 Destroyers, 2 Wraiths, 2 Flayed Ones, 6 Immortals, and 9 warriors.

Cut to Ad, or rather meal break. Alpha team eats Ararat’s Grox Kebabs.

There were people with serious doubts we could take this. Ivan in fact was outright of the opinion that there was either going to be an asspull or we were meant to die here. I was more on the side of the fence that this was not an insurmountable challenge, though it did seem like this had the potential to go quite bad for us.

A warrior RFing against Stern sent him to actual, legitimate critical. This was quite the surprise, even if said Warrior was immediately annihilated before it could go on to become our first competent nemesis. Stern meanwhile, had an RF of his own, two of them in fact, firing his freeze rounds into one of the 2 wraiths that had teleported into melee with him. Its the way it shatters that matters! Meanwhile I had my own flayed one fiasco to deal with.

The others, on top of the Monolith, had the extreme delight of a Destroyer lord teleporting into close combat with them. Its fate was theirs to decide. Ivan would have taken it out with his first shot, but we opted to convince the GM to give it a few more wounds, making it closer to a broadside battlesuit than a necron warrior riding a bicycle. Thus empowered, it would last two whole turns before being savagely obliterated, another significant contributor to this being Dwayne hitting it with 9 heavy bolter shots from the same salvo thanks to its point blank range.

>Before us, we could see the lord himself, and his personal guard of flayed ones. “Ah, nice of you to drop in.” (The GM started weeping after this as he realised how low he had fallen).

... i never thought i'd ever see the phrase "Saturday morning heresy" done justice, but... god i want to play in this campaign so fucking badly now.

Meanwhile, I was rapidly realising that having these flayed ones in melee with me was more of a boon than a hazard: the warriors were still either pinging harmlessly off everywhere, or hitting me, but boy was I glad for the several Heavy flayer beams that those Flayed ones took in my place. In fact, one of them was destroyed entirely by the efforts of its own comrades, the other being oneshot by my plasma pistol.

Now meanwhile, Stern’s adventures were beginning. Calling down Guardsman Jack, together they made short work of the Wraiths in melee. Thus free, Stern initiated one hell of a plan. It started with a netbolt fired at the Lord. Hit. Lord fails S test to break free. Next, grappling hook bolt at the lord. Lord is still failing his tests to get free. Stern starts reeling him in. I started making a few mentions about us repaying them for stealing our princess by stealing theirs as well, and whilst that was ostensibly out of character, I have to admit it wouldn’t have been out of place in character.

Mir took the time to mention that the first enemy the good guys fight always ends up allying with them against a common foe later. We took the time to muse on the implications laid by the GM out of character that Tyranids would be our next foes. HMMMMMM. I guess that makes us the Blood Angels then. Also, the memetic grip of referring to our captured lord as Necron Princess grew stronger, as the Lord was reeled into Stern’s grasp. Mir slapped 5 wounds back Gunner the turn he lost them.

The GM took the opportunity to mention that under normal circumstances, these Necrons had a 30% chance to phase out when killed. The resurrection orb the lord was using had cut this 20%. Despite this, for the entire combat, every necron had immediately phased out. As if to say “Fuck this, I’m out of here.”

Dwayne at this point figured out the phase circuits had repaired themselves. We were informed by comms of this, and the race was on to get back into the Monolith. I took a few more hits climbing up the stairs of our makeshift monolith (We didn’t have a Monolith model, so we were using part of a castle battlement, which frankly worked well enough), and my speed was halved. Meanwhile, Jack and Stern managed to climb on board, as I shouted “GUARDSMEN, WE ARE LEAVING!”.

I staggered up the stairs, and took one final plasma pistol shot leaning out the entrance of the Monolith. Hit a destroyer. Double, then Triple righteous fury. Destroyer fucking explodes. Dwayne, taking one hand off his heavy bolter and slinging it over his shoulder, makes the three goddamn button presses or whatever (Remember Dwayne’s ability to use this tech is pretty much entirely related to rolls of less than 10) necessary to input the coordinates of where we landed our nightscythe, and initiates phase. With our final fuck you being Ivan shooting out one of the chamber’s support pillars, we reappear on Imperial soil with a green flash and a thud.

We are greeted by the same Sergeant patrolling this area from before. Once again, he tells his troops to stand down as we climb out of the Monolith. Dragging a netted and tied up (using grapnel line) necron lord/princess. “Yeah, go inform command will you?” “...Ok.” We walk off into the sunset, as, out of character, we wonder how many insanity points the Inquisitor is going to take when we present our spoils this time.

Well, that concludes the storytime of this session. As for OC, you can have the shitty export of Gunner's video at youtube: watch?v=WclNFTlqI68&feature=youtu.be

Additionally, I might as well post what I arrived at for the GI Joe Movie Opening parody, its kind of shit at the moment, but its the last thing I have to post.

Crashing through the sky
Comes a fearful cry
Necrons... Necrons! Necrons... Necrons!
Armies of the night
Evil taking flight
Necrons... Necrons! Necrons... Necrons!
No where to run
No where to hide
Panic spreading far and wide
Who can turn the tide?

Alpha team - Real Imperial heroes
NO XENO!
Alpha team is there

Alpha team - Real Imperial heroes
Alpha team is there
Fighting for humans
Wherever there's trouble
over land and sea and air
Alpha team is there

Can the world oppose
Deadliest of foes?
Necrons... Necrons! Necrons... Necrons!
The Team will risk it all
To end the evil call of
Necrons... Necrons! Necrons... Necrons!
They never give up
They never say die
Walking tall with banners high
They sound the battle cry-
NO XENO! NO XENO!

Alpha team - Real Imperial heroes
Alpha team will dare
Alpha team - Real Imperial heroes
Alpha team is there

Fighting for freedom
Wherever there's trouble
over land and sea and air
GI Joe is there

GI Joe is the codename for American's daring, highly trained
special mission force.
It's purpose, to defend human freedom against Cobra-
a ruthless, terrorist organization determined to rule the world.

Alpha team - Real Imperial heroes
Alpha team will dare
Alpha team - Real Imperial heroes
Alpha team is there
Fighting for humans
Wherever there's trouble
over land and sea and air
Alpha team is there
Necrons! Retreat! Retreat!

Alpha team - Real Imperial heroes
Alpha team is there
Alpha team

Interestingly, this image came from a drawthread before your first storytime.

Coincidence, or cleverly crafted plan?

>>19013616
Oh god I only just spotted that last mention of Americans that I missed

How amateur of me

>>19013704
I was aware of it, and the circumstances surrounding it (I suspect the original edition of the GI Joe Movie Opening necron parody came from around the same time), but the GM wasn't.

Filling a thread by myself is kind of :C

I am going to sleep now. I'll check again in the morning.

This is AWESOME! I can't wait for the next adventure of the Alpha-Team!

This thread is amazing and you should feel amazing. It even makes sense in Saturday Morning Cartoons context that Necrons are mechanized mooks.

>>19013845
I'd like to think it's because we're all busy reading the glory that is Saturday Morning Heresy, and don't want to interrupt.

This, along with Shadowrun storytime, is my favourite storytime.
Stay awesome, Sarge.

So there is going to be more Saturday morning Heresy? Fuck Yes!

I knew the time for this pic will come again!

Fuck yes I caught the continuation.