>>18547965
On the upside, that'll be quite the ice-breaker when she does wake up.
She cute?

>Live under a minotaur
>He doesn't believe in carpeting

I was really nervous the first time my girlfriend took me to meet her dad, but he turned out to be much cooler and laid back then I heard he was. My girlfriend's an angel by the way.

>dwarf comes into the coffee shop I work at
>drunk, of course
>demands MORE booze, refuses to believe that we don't serve any
>smashes five tables before the cops can get him outside
>I have to clean up the splinters
Third time this year, fucking dorfs

>Personal fantasies, so many personal fantasies

>cute girl takes train at same time as me every day
>think of talking to her
>be a professional adventurer
>not great at my job
>have mostly negative reviews on Quests & Coins .org
>finally find somebody willing to let me do a quest for them
>turns out it's the fucking thieves guild again
>try to kill me once I get the treasure
>have to murder them all brutally
>go home on train covered in blood
>cute girl is there
>cute girl gives me disgusted look
>try to exit train as quickly as possible
>slip on blood on way out
>cape gets stuck in door
>adventure gear gets ripped off and dragged away by train
>am left naked on platform holding nothing but the Idol of Tzentecha
>go to get it appraised
>it's a fake

Fucking thieves guild.

>Make business deal with Rakasha
>Shake hands
>Oh god, he's shaking my right hand with his left

I'll never get used to that

>>18547989
No spaghetti spilling out of your pockets? What kind of adventurer leaves home without his trusty pocket spaghetti?

>exterminator charges an extra $20 a month for the jermlaine traps AND another $10 a month for the slithering tracker spray
fuckin' ripoff

>>18547985
>Local mechanic is a dorf.
>Overcharges fucking everyone without a beard.
>"Chin tax" is a cultural thing, and protected by law.
But if I made a "Beard tax" on a product I'd get arrested.
Fucking racist shit man.

>>18547974

She's cute for sure, but I prefer my women a little less....predatory, you know?

>Forget I have a slimegirl neighbor
>de-ice my driveway with salt
>She tries to walk across it
>Cops charge me with negligent homicide
>Have to flee the country

And now I'm stuck living in the fucking Feywild. Do you know what the broadband coverage is like here?

>>18547995
I told you, I'm not good at this.

>>18547995
Dude, cut him some slack - he doesn't even have a henchman.
Sorry, henchperson

>>18548017
And with that attitude you never will be.

>>18548016
Your IP has been logged, and our diviners are on the case.

>Wake up, stretch.
>Trigger trap, net falls on me.
>Sigh, get up.
>Floor is glue, spend 10 minutes freeing myself without tearing off my skin
>Go to bathroom, sit on toilet.
>Nothing wrong yet
>Flush - Garrote-style attack from behind as water shoots upwards
>Shower because ew
>The door's now water tight, the drain clogged, and the shower stuck on 'full blast and frigid"

Fucking Kobolds

>>18548010
>lamia
>predatory
Dude what, never paid attention at school?
Also, my friend got thrown out of the fucking school last month.
Yeah he was studying wizardry but then when he was hitting on a girl in his class, suddenly BAM everything was on fire, and he had wings. Then his wings redacted and he passed out in the burning classroom, though the teacher got him out.
Turns out he was a Sorcerer, and the wings were from his celestial bloodline.
What kind of school kicks you out when your powers manifest anyway?

>mfw the new tenants of the apartment next door turn out to be 10.000 gnomes.

Goddammit.

>get associates in Artifice
>plan to go back to school, get full degree and business minor
>get a job over the summer, unpaid internship
>have to fix every toaster in the city every day
>no lunch break
>have started repurposing scrapped toasters to conjure energy bars
>mfw I am slowly training myself in toastermancy

I am a legitimate threat to all uncooked bread in the world now! Seriously though, Artifice is just a glorified repariman anymore.

>>18547989
>he wears a cape

>>18548035
They stole all your underwear didn't they?

>vampire moves in to the apartment across the hall
>plays terrible music all night
>bitches if anyone cooks with garlic
>trashy girls coming and going at all hours
>complains about dogs being loud...I wonder what they are barking at
I showed that fag though, put my cat's automated water bowl in front of his door. He was stuck inside for a week before the super came to collect rent.

This monkey subsapient fucking greenskin walked by me today. He said something in his unintelligible greenskin-babble. I lost it and called him what he was, a worthless greenskin. told that fucker. I hate greenskins so god damn much.

>Wake up with halfdragon girlfriend half on top of me, holding me in a vice grip
>Wake her up while trying to escape
>"Sorry sweetie, it's a dragon thing. We always sleep on that which is worth the most to us"
>mfw

My house backs up to corps of engineer land, which I thought would be cool, but the freakin' Elves are up ALL NIGHT playing harps, and if you set one foot on the corps land bam! Druid on your case.

>Medusa neighbor
>Bitches that I never look her in the eyes

Maybe if you wore something other than a low-cut tank top and panties, I could look up

LAMIREZ! DO EVERYTHING!

>>18548052
You do know that that's only for what they consider material worth, not, you know emotional worth.
Like, shiny things, what they think look pretty etc.

My Apple Warforged broke his arm.

I had to give him back, he was my best friend.

I miss him.

> what the hell is that noise?
>open closet to check
>mfw closet door is now a mimic.
>"hi im your new roomate, would you like to polish my knob?"

a whole new world of goddammit

>Studying to be a paladin
>Learn a few spell
>Try detect evil at home
>Entire apartment shine with dark aura
Fuck. Now I know why everyone of them is avoiding me and where all those bones come from. Thought someone was keeping a pet dog or something.

You think that's bad? I know a drow yaoi fangirl.

She actually uses her family subjects for her hobbies. One of them used to be a good bro in my baseball team and now he'll never be the same. I am not racist but subcultures should really at least pretend to be assimilated.

>>18548067
Oh god, don't even get me started on games.

I fucking hate it when some goddamn Orc gets on chat and INSISTS on speaking his language despite no one else knowing it. OR? OR? OR? I REEPURT U HUEGHUEGHUEGHUEGHUEGHUEGHUEGHUEG

Fucking Orcs, goddamn.

>>18548024
Shut up. You sound like my dad.

>hurr durr when i was your age, i was travelling the world adventuring, not living at home durr hurr
>derp derp, i was fighting Gorgakh Irongut at your age not the punks from the thieves gaggle, derp derp

>>18548041
Fuck you. My mom bought me that cape.

I had to get it back from the train station the next day. When I said I was an adventurer, the lost and found guy just laughed in my face. I guess I didn't look the part in a hoody and sweatpants, though.

>>18548049
> put my cat's automated water bowl in front of his door.
You are awesome, good sir.
Next time, drop an open rice bag in front of their appartement. I garantee you some hillarity when you will come back from work.

>>18548073
Are you sure its not because you're a slime?

>see thread
Oh goddamnit not another one of-
>>18548072
HA!

>Date blonde elf girl for three months
>Occasional "HURRDURR do what I say, I'm pretty" arguments
>Other than that, we're in a good relationship

>Go on a trip into the city to see the ancient sword in the stone
>Decide to take photos
>It starts glowing when she touches it
>Pulls it clear from the rock
>She has to lay an ancient evil to rest
>Okay.jpg
>Put our relationship on hold

>A year later, the evil has been vanquished
>Go to the city to meet her
>Security won't let me near her
>Don't argue because they are all trolls and three times my size
>Watch from the side-lines of her congratulatory parade
>She kisses her companion -- an elven sorcerer in front of me as they drive by
>Leave city broken-hearted

>Date cute redhead (human this time, thank fuck)
>She works at her dad's bakery
>Turns out she was into me all along
>No superficial elf beauty nonsense

Everything turned out better than expected, to be honest.

>live a couple blocks from a street populated by a Vampire, a Lamia, a mage, a superhero, aliens, an elf, and who knows what else.
>A lot of people disappear there
>Explosions all the time

Gotta fuckin move man...

Friendly advice:

Never. Date. Orc-girls.

>>18548091
You're a blacksmith son who's suppose to forge an armor which can protect her from anything aren't you?
>>18548087
Just because I spend long time in the bath doesn't mean I'm a slime.

>>18548083
do you one better; drop a bag of coarse ground flower, let him count that shit nigga!

>my dad happens to be a titan because my mom happens to be important (like fuck I'm giving you details)
>not bitching about being a ten foot tall Adonis, just saying
>literally everyone expects you to be a fucking world leader or at the very least personally change the world or leave your mark on history. Everyone. Especially my mother.
>accidentally break the girl's back when I lose my virginity
>sneeze and almost kill a guy when a lightning bolt comes out
>get death glares from mages when I instinctively know how to cast spells
I just want to be normal. I can't even look forward to dying any time sooner than eight hundred years from now at least.
Does anyone ever consider maybe people like me just want our own lives?

>>18548097
Failure adventurer guys here. There's this Orc girl in my apartment block who's really cute, but I haven't approached 'cause her dad intimidates the fuck out of me.

What's the big deal?

>>18548107
Sexual destruction

>go to a friend's party
>see dwarf with three 5l bottles of ale
>see cute harpy
>see 3 goblin
>ohboyherewego.jpg
>dwarf says i have a nice beard for a human, give me more drinks
>harpy is almost passed out after a cup
>bro is puking his guts out after two
>goblins destroying the place
>dwarf is trying to kill the goblins after drinking two barrels
>can barely stand, sits near harpy and puts some music on
>she grabs my shirt and says she wants to leave but can't walk
>carries her to my home (a few streets away), she's asleep
>leave her my bed, puke in the shower
>when i come back she's up and horny
>we fuck, she stays at home for the night and comes back a few times
>two weeks later
>she knocks at my door holding an egg and saying i'm the father
>mfw i'm fucked but i feel like i like her
umm... do you think i could let's say... break the egg without getting her mad or thinking i did it on purpose?
any advice?

>>18548099
My dad and I make kevlar armour, actually.
I offered to make that snooty bitch some kevlar, but she turned me down because kevlar is "ugly". Didn't stop her from wearing some at the parade.

>Mon'keigh witnesses knocking on my door asking me if i've ever heard about the God-Emperor of Mankind
Every fucking day /tg/, every fucking day

>>18548120
Say you want to see it in a better light and "trip" on the way to the window.

>fucking Shuggoth moves in next door
>likes to sit on the porch outside
>Have to avert my eyes every time I go outside my own house or be driven insane

OK sure, he seems like a nice enough guy, but do you know what this shit is doing to the neighborhood's property value?

>>18548070
that's what you get for choosing an apple product, it's sad for you but you deserved it

>>18548115
My pure Orc girl would never do something like that!

Fucking Wizards moving into my neighborhood. I saw them, across the road, and I thought straight away "welp there goes the property value". And what do you know, the next day their house and the two houses next to it are on fire. I go outside as the firemen pull up and start yelling at him in between summoning water elementals and he just uses "muh magic", "u jello of muh magic?" "come at me brah". Fucking Wizards, they act like accidentally turning their house into fire, or blowing things up, is just part of being a wizard - part of their fucking experiments.

FUCK YOU I DON'T CARE ABOUT MAGIC I JUST WANT MY HOUSE TO STAY IN ONE PIECE AND NOT GET DESTROYED BECAUSE YOU ACCIDENTALLY THE SEVEN GATES AND FREED SATAN AGAIN.

>>18548126
You DID make a chaos god. Just saying maybe there's a better way.

>Apparently I have a roommate
>Never seen the guy though
>He pays his rent though, in gold coins which is a little odd
>Have a small party with some friends and friends of friends
>Next morning, anyone who stayed over is now shouting at each other because someone stole all their shoes
>Look around and find a pile by the door
>"Do any of these belong to you lot?"
>They're all the same make and size, but these ones are brand new
>Realise my shoes are always in top condition, even though I've had them for years

Little men are the best roommates. Eventually coaxed him out for the next party and he was a big hit with the ladies.

>go to meet new neighbor at the top of col de sac
>pic related answers door

oh boy here we go

Fucking monk-jocks.
Bullied me throughout all my schooltime.

I just wanted to study and become a Wizard.
The fuck is wrong with those fags?

>>18548125
I'm surprise she didn't die when the ancient evil try to kill her. You're lucky getting the red head.
>>18548108
PRAISE THE SUN. PRAISE THE BURNING HATRED.

>>18548137
Sounds like a bunch of wild mages to me. They aren't real fucking wizards. They don't have degrees or the self-control of REAL wizards.

>go to High School in Spain
>get bullied because elves are still rare around here
>assholes keep flicking my eartips
>hurts like fuck, we have very sensitive ears
>growth spurt
>beauty aura, big tits, long legs, slender body
>get to Uni
>meet the bullies again, now they ask for forgiveness

Fuck you, you racist pricks. You think I can´t see through your pathetic attempts to "become friends again"? As soon as I get my degree, I´m going to my family´s country of origin: the UK.

Guys, you might be able to help me.
You see, I have a neighbor who does a bit of shamaning on the side (not sure he has a day job now that I think of it, but it's beyond the point). I'm usually cool with that kind of stuff, I'm not one to call the cops on a bit of chanting here and there.
But lately, I have a feeling things are getting out of control. The chanting happens every night now, but the sound of reality tearing apart to let the spirits in is what usually wakes me up. And I don't mean to sound like a racist bigot or anything, but when you work in the morning, you really don't want that sort of cultural events happening near, as fascinating as they may be.

Also, I can't prove anything, but I think the spirits are to blame for the weird smell of rotting meat in the trash and for the fact that I've not been getting hot water for the past three days.

I don't know who I should speak to about this, it's making my life a nightmare, but I think he hexed the people who already came to tell him to tone down on the intrusive magic outside of business hours. I'm sort of scared, but I shouldn't be, I'm not a jerk to my neighbors and I pay rent on time each month so... Wat do?

tl;dr: How do I deal with my next-door shaman neighbor without having the whole magical community raping my ass with pixie dust and lawsuits?

>be dwarf
>turns out the lovely dwarf pub "rampaging bear" is not dwarven at all
>homosexual human bears everywhere
>we celebrated my son's birthday in there!

my point here is: why are human sodomites so much more dwarfy than regular humans?

>be a halfling
>hard to find fitting clothes
>always served tiny portions
>no second breakfast option in restaurants

Daily reminder that if you think you've seen the God-Emperor of Mankind you should contact your local authorities immediately so they can dispatch a team to capture him.

Remember kids, only you can prevent him from taking over the world, creating Horus and ruining fucking everything.

>>18548148

They're mad because monks have no jobs. Even philosophy major can get some offers, monks get none.

Tiefling here.
You honestly think you know racism? Try being a race that most people believe literally eats babies. So I like the heat. So what? That doesn't give you a reason to call me a monster to my face and call for a fucking exorcism.
And then there are the assholes that shove holy symbols in my face. I swear to Asmodeus I'm going to just fucking snap one day.

>>18548154
>elf
>big tits
Implants, eh?

OK guys, my roommate is a dryad.
She is pretty much naked all the time, sans for a few leaves here and there.

Problem is, gonna get visitors next weekend. How can I tell her to dress up a bit without insulting here?

>>18548099
Yes it does

>>18548165
Maybe if you didn't OPENLY WORSHIP ASMODEUS THIS WOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM.

Seriously, just say you worship Kord or Pelor or something when it happens.

You know what I can't stand? Werewolves hanging out at dog parks. Like I want to take Mr. Snuffles to the park to have a run when these fucking arseholes are all around.

>2012
>not voting for Obama just to keep the non-humans out of office

by the powers of shiggity!

Two weeks ago, made the mistake of my life:

At a party
Gave a fire elemental some aclohol

I. Don't. Understand. Elves.
Like seriously, what the fuck?
>>Am sitting on a bus.
>>Elf sits next to me, ignores me completely
>>See that her/his wallet is getting stolen from her cloak's pocket
>>Snap my hand around the kender's wrist, he gives me a fucking smirk and pulls hand away
>>Elf looks at me confused, I look into her eyes and nod.
>>go back to my own business
>>Now, every work day, on the same bus, she/he insists on sitting next to me, even if there's somebody already there.
>>won't say a word, just sits there
>>If I try to talk to her/him, just ignores me
>>Today, gave me a maple leaf and continued to ignore me.

Seriously, any help here?!

>Mother is a human
>Father is a minotaur
>Born with horns and supernatural strength
>wear big hat to hide my horns
>see cute girl on the bus home yesterday
>we have a good conversation, my stop arrives
>about to ask for her number, bus stops and i jerk forward
>hat flies off and spaghetti flies out off my hat
>impale her with my horns
God damn it.. Every fucking time.

>>18548171
Spray her with growth hormones, maybe she'll become like a big hedge growth in time for their visit.

>>18548173
I'm directly descended from Asmodeus. It's a verbal tic.

>Lich moves into the apartment next to mine.
>We get pretty close and he shows me this neat looking vase.
>He says it's very important to him and only shows it to good friends.
>I pick it up and drop it.
>OHGODOHGODOHGOD I DROPPED HIS PHYLACTERY!
>He tells me that it's not big deal, it was just a vase he picked up at a flea market.
>Mfw
What a fucking asshole.

>>18548172
Just because I feel more comfortable with water doesn't mean I'm a slime. I might be a water element.

>>18548179
Wow, never thought I'd hear of a real tsundere.
Be prepared to get beaten or looks or something if you talk to some other ones.
Also she likes you.

>>18548179
she wants the dick

>>18548187
Speaking as a spring child, fuck off, asshole.

>>18548179
I call bullshit.

Aren't elves supposed to sit at the back of the bus?
Or did I miss something?

>>18548179
Do their ears do that when they see you, even to a minor degree?

If so, they might have a crush on you. Which, depending on how traditional her (we are talking about a female, right?) upbringing was, may be anything from shy to told that it's incredibly shameful to date humans.

Alternatively, could be a guy. Elves, culturally, are not very down with homosexuality.

>>18548179

The maple leaf is a coded message. Means go to the nearest park tomorrow. Us elves are not big on open displays of affection, but inviting possible lovers to our homes when we barely know each other is also not a good idea.

>get new roommate
>guy is alright, stays mostly in his room being a drawfag
>I come home one night bit tipsy
>it's a Full Moon, so feel like changing into werewolf that night
>roommate obviously sees/hears me, nags me about it next morning
>turns out guy is a furry. Keeps nagging me to turn him into a werewolf
>he tells his friends, I keep getting Facebook and Steam friend requests from random furries
>is trying to make me go to a convention with him now

Seriously, some have even been offering to pay me to make them werewolves. I'm afraid I might give in and do it for the money in the end.

>>18548200
Get madder, you talking house plant.

>>18548203
What kind of uncivilized city-state do you live in?

That's almost as bad as the Greeks denying Satyrs their citizenship.

>>18548179
Give her the dick.

>>18548203
That's Orcs, and those laws were abolished years ago.

That said, no one seems to have told the Orcs this.

>roommate is a doppelganger
>get really nice girlfriend
>come home, see girlfriend sucking my dick.

FUCKING DOPPELGANGERS.

Okay uh, fuck. So we got a new guy in the flat next to me, he seemed cool and all, though he often gets visited by this fucking choice ass woman.
And I got a nice sidhe roommate, though somewhat cold and distant since lolWinter Court, but whatever, he's a bro.
Except when I threw a party the two nearly blew up the place since apparently the neighbour who moved in is the summer knight or something.
Sometimes I just want to party and drink and stuff and not to worry about shit like that.
And apparently the choice ass that was visiting the neighbour is the summer lady or something.
I'm kind of thinking of moving since I don't want to be there if or when they (bro roomie and summer knight) explode...

>>18548207
Don't be a whore, brah.

>>18548207
Don't do it man, it ruins your reputation.
Do you have any vampires in your dorm? If the number of werewolves increases you might get in some serious trouble.

>>18548152
Degrees? What kind of horseshit is this? Back in my day you didn't need any fancy school to learn magic, you either learned it on your own, or preferably, found another mage and became his apprentice, none of this pay shit loads of money to get stuffed into a class with 100 other kids and listen to the droning of some head up his ass "professional" that thinks he's Mystra's gift to spell casting. Fucking sell outs, if I could spare the time away from my work I would exile all of them to the elemental plane of diarrhea and razorwire that I discovered a few decades back for what they're doing. This is how you get "wizards" like theat other guy is complaining about, you can't just lecture for an hour and leave them to their own devices, prospective mages need one on one tutoring and constant supervision. But enough of the rantings of a tired old lich, what do I know anyway? I've only been alive and practicing magic for three centuries.

>>18548211
>Greeks denying Satyrs their citizenship

Rightfully so!
To this day I have never seen a Satyr at work. All they do is drink, eat and knock up greek girls.

They're a plague.

>go down to local scrollstop to pick up scroll of heat water for my instant noodles
>grab scroll off shelf without problems, go to counter
>cuteish girl (red head, little chubby, nice enough) being harassed by landwhale mother trying to buy 80 scrolls of summon chocolate cake
>landwhale is screeching at maximum overdrive volume
>this goes on for ten minutes
>eventually manager comes out (he's an orc, but not an ORC, he's dressed up pretty nice etc.) and kicks her out with no scrolls
>by this point the cute red head is almost crying from getting bitched at
>decide today is the day to be ALPHA AS FUAK
>go up to counter, say wow that landwhale was a real bitch
>redhead nods, says i don't usually work here i work at a bakery
>what like making cakes and shit?
>yeah *sob*. she starts to smile at me
>i say wow looks like you enjoy them
>ohshitwhatdidijustsay
>she bursts into treats
>orc manager comes out, sees me at counter, redhead crying
>he jumps at me
>i run
>trip in store
>accidentally activate scroll
>turns out i picked up the wrong scroll, it wasn't a scroll of heat water
>it was a scroll of summon spaghetti

Last time i try to be alpha. seriously what the fuck was i thinking

>accidentally get caught up in some sort of protest trying to det coffee
>A fucking Dryad chats me up
>no idea why she approached me
>anti-logging protest

I have no fucking clue what to do about this. She's hot, but I couldn't care less about some rain forrest in South America.

>>18548165
You think you have problems?
I'm a mind ripper. A real live fucking mind ripper.
I'm only half-illithid, for fuck's sake. I don't want to eat your fucking brains no matter how delicious they may be. Not only that, but I'm literally the product of an illegal experiment that violently killed my human mother.
But no, it's all "hide the women and children" this and "helmets on" that. One of these days I AM going to mind rip someone, just so they know what it fucking feels like.

>>18548203
maybe where you're from

>>18548204
I'm... Really not certain. I'm just quite ignorant about elven appearance you know? They're all so slender and stuff..
But a crush?. Damn. How can I tell which gender an elf is? Not that it matters that much, but still..

>>18548197
Not living in mid-west amigo. Northern europe all the way.

What's there to do besides watching Orc on Minotaur porn?

>>18548209
My mother was a dryad, you prick. You probably couldn't even work up the courage to speak to one.

Think you got it bad?

I'm a fucking berserker. Every time I fall asleep or pass out I might wake up with all my friends dead.
Do you know how hard it is to socialize when everything whispers behind your back "Oh look that berserker, I heard he went into a frenzy last night again".

I can't even get a date because women are afraid I could break them.

Have you ever heard of a virgin berserker? Have you?

>>18548246
giving you a leaf?
thats a BOY, son.
prepare to splitter his timbers, you buttpirate!
and remember : it aint gay if it is an elf!

>>18548207
Speaking as a fellow Were: Don't.
A lot of people don't like to think about it, but being turned without the right steps being taken is REALLY dangerous.

You have to be heavily sedated, restrained with steel chains (possibly silver dipped, depending on age and build).

That and there are things they might not be prepared for in their new life.

>>18548205
HOLY CRAP. Duuude, you gotta help me! How do I know the gender!?

>>18548226
gb2 /pol/

>>Live next to dwarf/elf couple.
>>Hear them fighting constantly.
>>Try to reason with it, assure self that someone will call cops eventually.
>>A few days later remember neighbor on the other side is a deaf old halfling granny
>>Whole week goes by, decide something has to be done.
>>Hear domestic abuse one more time, storm out of house to play hero because Abused Elf Housewife, Wat Do?
>>Break the door down
>>Catch them in the act of the most deviant sex ever seen by mortal eyes.

HAMMERSSHOULDNOTFITINTHEREHAMMERSSHOULDNOTFITINTHEREHAMMERSSHOULDNOTFITINTHERE

> Be dragon
> Be mosly polymorphed amongst general populace
> Live out in the woods on the hills
> Hoard all of the music (I fucking love me some tunes! Except dubstep, but that's another tale)
> One day some random adventuring party kicks in my door with guns and swords drawn
> Nearly shit my self
> They stand there for a moment after bursting in
> They start looking around
> WTF
> Turns out they got the wrong dragon
> Only dragon for hundreds of miles
> I say they dun goofed
> They agree
> They buy me a new door and we have a low key party

Everything went better than expected

>>18548217
Call the police, have him arrested for rape by fraud.

>>18548226
So? They'd fit right in.

>end up in a feeding relationship with a vampire down the hall at uni
>she took too much last week, now I can't get up without fainting
>she's banging on the door right now cos she's hungry and horny

/tg/, in the event I don't survive, tell my wife hello.

>>18548220

Ya, there's like five of them that stick together and get free ass because fuckyea Goths. They promise they'll turn them into vampires but fucking everyone except the Goths know they're bullshitting. Even if the female furries nagging me were hot, I wouldn't pull shit like that. I just want to finish college and get a job...

>be a changeling
>lounge around naked in petite female form because it's more comfortable
>girlfriend walks in
>girlfriend now thinks I am my nudist daughter

Wat do?

>go out to a bar the other night, drink waay too much and can't remember the rest of the night
>wake up the next morning next to fairly attractive giantess friend
>she's dating another giant
>I'm probably gonna get clubbed to death and/or eaten in the near future
>what do?

>>18548227
As a werewhale, I am offended by your use of the term "Landwhale"

We are a proud people that happen to require a high caloric intake.

Ever dated a cute ettin girl?
Most violent sex I ever had.

But the blowjobs were divine.

>>18548280

Take a withered old lady form and 'inform' her you're the girl's grandmother and she's staying at your house to go to a nice private school. Also inform her you can't delay because the girl went ahead and you're parked around the corner.

Problem solved.

>>18548225
>three whole centuries
How precious.

>>18548287
5 limbs...
and my back still hurts like hell
tried once, won't ever again

>>18548278
They probably won't believe you, but you really need to tell them that going into heat sucks. Being "on" all the time for days on end isn't fun, at all.

>>18548300
*ribs
autocorrect wtf

>>18548266
>HOLY CRAP. Duuude, you gotta help me! How do I know the gender!?

If you can´t tell an elf´s gender, chances are he/she is underage. So I would stay away. But of course, seeing how you are a human, I suppose you are underage by elven standards and she/he is an adult by human standards, so...

Do you have an archery club? Wherever we go, elves tend to make archery clubs and let humans join them. Join one, get a badge (they sell fake ones on eFey if you don´t have a club around), and wear it next time you meet your elf.

You now have an excuse to talk to him/her openly. And seeing how the elf is interested in you and took the first step, chances are the elf won´t mind the trickery if the badge is fake.

>Orc female in university dorms
>keeps giving me very painful slaps on the back in the morning
>trying to be friendly, but it really hurts
>ask her to stop
>she seems upset
>doesn't speak to me for a few days
>hear grunting noises from her room
>knock on door
>open it
>she's pummelling a punching bag and crying

What?

...

What did I do, /tg/?

You guys know anything about that forest fire in Finland the other week?
Apparently some cult or something burned down a fuckhuge forest with hellfire, Inquisition thinks it's a botched summoning or something.

>>18548305
That's how they show affection.

>>18548305
Are you fucking kidding me?
You're maybe the second most ignorant piece of shit I've heard of/seen in the last three months, second only to "elf give leaf wat?" guy.

>>18548305

Obviously you aren't there for cultural studies, dipshit.

Female orcs beating the hell out of a male is pretty much telegraphing "FUCK ME!"

>>18548207
speaking as another were with similar (though not as bad thankfully, not as many furries want to be a crocodile). Don't ever do it, those kinds of guys always turn into the kind of were that gives us a bad reputation.

>>18548263

Yea, my parents always told me that, but I can't do anything online without random people poking me. I wouldn't mind turning off FB and my IMs, but I have people there I frequently talk to. And the friend requests on Steam, fuck, I never know if it's someone trading TF2 items. I was actually earning games from those trades.

I mean, I'm NOT gonna do it, I'm not that big of an idiot, but where the fuck do furries get all this money? One offer went into fucking four digits.

>>18548262
>>18548266
trust in the Titpirate. he is wisdom

>>18548305
you broke her heart, dumbass
ass-slapping is a sign of strong affection for them, what you did would be like calling a human girl a whale

>>18548308
t'was an inside job, the inquisition all along i tell you

>>18548305
She was flirting, stupid fullbreed. Try being the smallest in a giant clan just because your mother was human, then complain about rough foreplay.

>>18548327

Yeah, them and the Elves in Black.

>Be fairly tall
>Literally bump into a halfling girl at a party
>Apologise for making her spill some of her drink
>She's cool with it
>We drink all night together
>When she's still relatively sober, she sits on my lap
>Keeps on saying that I'm looking down her top
>Apologise
>She pulls her top down a bit to show her amazing cleavage
>Get absolutely shit-faced and make out (can't remember if either of us felt the other up or not)
>Next morning we wake up on the couch
>No one else is up
>I decide to leave, she decides to stay
>As I'm about to leave, out of nowhere, she unzips my jeans and pulls out my cock
>Just stand there as she gives me the best blowjob ever
>Her top is still down and I end up coming on her tits
>Writes her number on the side of my cock with a texta then runs back inside
>Organise a date with her
>It's tomorrow

I've noticed that non-gypsy halflings are the nicest people in the world.

>>18548304
how would you feel if an orc fucked your 10 year old daughter because "that's old enough by orc standards"?

You fuck an 18 year old elf girl you're going to have torches and pitch-forks outside your house.

Fuck...
>true story yo
>scandibro here
>A few months ago, mid-january, at my dorm
>btw my dorm is privately owned, not part of a campus
>two peruvian were-jaguar chicks show up, probably just moved in (happens all the time this time of year)
>can't talk anything but mexi-spanish
>still, they're cute
>communicate via Ipad and google translate
>one of them seems to like me
>we go up to my room - me and both of the girls
>the one who likes me goes full catgirls on me
>I go full me gusta
>the other one just sits in the corner... really weird
>I am not an exibitionist, ask if other girl could go back to bar or do something else?
>both girls try to explain, via google translate, that its ok, and public displays of affection very common where they're from
>it aint just 'affection' me and the lusty were-jaguar chick is getting into here...
>that uncomfortable feel when the other girl is obviously not interested in look, but seems very reluctant to leave as well
>i get completely cockblocked
>its very late, they about to leave
>get one last round of heavy petting an making out from were-jaguar chick who likes me
>the moment she's out the door the other chick pulls me into my bathroom and starts to make out with me, then is out the door before I can get a word in edgewise
>I'm very WTF here
>they leave, I go to bed wondering what the fuck just happened

cont'd

>look at beautiful night sky while walking
>waitSHITCAR!
>*thump*
>someone ask if I'm ok
>cant feel my everything
>guy goes "shit...sorry about that. uhm and about this" starts biting my arm
>get better
>turn into a badger every full moon
.... well it sure beats being paralyzed

>>18548323
>trust in the Titpirate

Dude, they are NATURAL, Ok? Have you considered that in trying to adapt to human culture, we have started eating fat-rich food? And it doesn´t take a lot of fat for an elf to grow tits in the first place.

So I have a weird situation, I thought I was a human but it turns out I am part red dragon ( 5th generation on my fathers side ). This is relevant to my story but not the point

I like a lamia I went to college with, but I sort of was "claimed" by a harpy.

I don't actually understand much of it but I helped her out after she had been mugged, I got some potions to heal her from my alchemist flat mate and so she turned up a few days later saying she was mine now.

I don't want to hurt her feelings because it was obviously the first time someone had helped her instead of just being a dick but I am sort of conflicted because while she is actually very nice me and the lamia were getting to the point of being more than friends because she finally got her mothers permission to date me, this I think is I part due to me being part red and a good source of heat according to her mother

>>18548317
Oh Gods... I didn't mean to be cruel, I just didn't think she'd think of me that way...

I thought Orc girls were only into big strong Orc guys, not scrawny human bards.

Something seems not right.

One of my professors is an illithid. We've had him for three semesters now.

Every once in a while he would delegate students with excellent grades to do some extra chores for bonus points and grades.

The thing is, the few he picked were never seen again. If I ask I get told they would spend a year abroad.

>>18548357
Next you ask if all sorcerers are really infernal, worship Asmodeus and burn buildings.
I keep telling people, it wasn't my fault.

>that feel when you are the Bagger 288 and recently gained sentience thanks to drunk wizards but Krupp Co. legally owns you and so all you can do is mine sand and post on 4chan all day

and even if i was free, i'm a fucking hundreds-of-tons machine. at least my wednesday operator isn't a prick

>>18548327
>>18548329
>>18548320
Okay guys, how do I fix this? What do I do? Do Orcs accept flowers or is that just a human thing?

>>18548356

You're a BARD? And you're not expecting to be surrounded in free sex?

You're an embarrassment to the profession, sir. Get out.

>>18548339
old enough to bleed...

>>18548352
ye be misunderstandin' lassie
I be CAP'N TITPIRATE!
YARR!
I be writin' books on interspecies ramshackling since 1503!
Yahar!!

So uh, I'm a shapeshifter, and I'm seeing this Dwarven girl. Yesterday she introduced me to her parents. Her father was not impressed with me, calling me a beardless... something (I assume some obscenity). So I jokingly grew an imposing beard up to my belt.

He replied by puncing me in the dick.

>>18548357
Mind ripper from earlier here.
Does his skin seem shinier and his eyes wetter? Does he seem vigorous after they disappear?
If so, call the fucking cops. I know how these people operate.

>>18548366
>flowers
Nay, me landlubbery friend! The sails o the fair fields be for human and elf wenches! wat you be on the lookout fer is a BIG CHUNK O MEAT!
Nuffin says I loves ya like a big chunk o meat.
Yaharr!

>>18548367
But I'm only just getting into the profession.

I mostly write songs about my own angst.

>>18548366

Here's what the fuck you do, not even trolling...and I AM a troll so that means something.

Walk up to her, punch her in the face. She's going to pick you up, take you to the nearest bedroom (make sure either yours or hers is the nearest, shit'll get awkward otherwise) and get ready for the night of your life.

My nephew's half-orc man, his dad's got some fucking stories.

>>18548375
It tends to happen at the end of semesters. So I don't see him as much.

He sure seems happy when he picks a student though. Also less collected, starts talking like an overjoyed little girl.

I have a serious problem. Mexican kender have occupied the entire second level of my apartment building. I'm going insane.

Help me guys, how do I fix this?

>>18548339
>how would you feel if an orc fucked your 10 year old daughter because "that's old enough by orc standards"

It would be rape because no ten-year-old elf can possibly like orcs as anything more than friends.

Nice try, though.

>>18548356
Are you kidding? War poetry is an basically an Orc mating display. Write her a song about battling your human interests for her heart or some shit and sing that to her when you two are alone. If she turns her back on you, get down on all fours and softly bite the back of her leg.

If you wake up in her bed covered in bruises, you've done it right and she's your girl.

>>18548380
>I mostly write songs about my own angst.

Christ man, do you wanna get laid by vampires or girls of all races?

>>18548381
Yarr! Punch 'er with a BIG chunk o meat!

>>18548366
It works, but they're poetically less significant in Orc society.

Furs are their equivalent. A pelt is a sign of affection in Orc society, and while traditionally it should be from something you killed, a store bought fur of some kind isn't insulting to most modern Orcs - you have swapped out physical strength with economic strength.

>>18548356
most do, but it takes all types

My driving teacher was a Minotaur.

I ended up with a truck driving licenese only since that was the only vehicle he would fit in.

>>18548361
Hey, I'll have no bad mouthing of my great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandfather.

>>18548390
Vampires don't do sex, they can but they don't.

>>18548383
MAN THE CANNONS!
LOAD THE GRAPESHOT AND LET THEM CANNONS SING THE DEVILS MERRY TUNES!
YAHARR!

>>18548380
once you start dating a orc girl that will change.

>>18548381
>>18548379
>>18548389
Okay, so I'll get her a hunk of meat, I'll sing her a song about my undying love of battle, then I'll punch her in the face. Sound like the right course of action?

To think, I always thought an Elf would be my f-first...

>>18548308
Actually I tried to summon an angel bro I studied with in Positive Energy Plain (place was awesome, I still visit the academy every now and then) when suddenly this trio of a paladin and cleric of Pelor and a sorcerer come in out of nowhere yelling at me and telling me to stop the summoning. I do and the cleric and paladin beat me down, while the sorcerer just stands back. Then suddenly WHAM the two get knocked out by something the sorcerer did and he starts throwing hellfire everywhere while laughing manically as I pass out.

Luckily the brongel came to check up what the hell happened with the summon (we do it like, seven times a year or so to catch up. It's how we met and we usually do that unless it's an emergency, because brotastic memories fuck yeah) and he finds me in the center of the hellfire barbeque dish and gates us the hell out of there. Few days later I wake up, he asks if I've turned into something he should kill (we made an oath of sorts in Ukko's name, he's a bro Finnish god that if either of us went bad, the other one would kill him), and I explain it. I spend a week at his place (Heaven is p. cool, I prefer positive energy plane though) catching up, say byes and gate back home, and find the place surrounded by Inquisition, and I'm beaten down again.

>>18548382
Maybe I'm just biased, but I'm sure the guy's eating their brains. Hire a wizard or something make sure of it.

>>18548416

You should pick up some healing potions too.

Because she is going to snap your dick like a twig.

My best friend is a lich. Nice guy, smart as fuck but really paranoid.

Can't take him anywhere cause he's constantly worried about his little vial.

Anyone knows how to treat this paranoia? I heard smoking halfing-herbs is great to relax. Problems is I don't know if his lungs still work.

>>18548418
YARR! ye be a catamite!

>>18548387
I'd call him on his shit because orcs don't consider someone an adult until 12.

I take you people like Ugly Americans?

>>18548416
Be honest with yourself, who's the better lay: the elf girl who's as flat and stimulating as plank, or a strong and curved orc girl who will fuck you like there's to tomorrow?
>pic related, it's the answer

>>18548337
>writes her number of your dick

oh god I lol'd

>>18548345
>cont'd

>to clarify, all this happened on a friday night
>the next day, the girls chat me up via facebook chat
>the one who likes me obviously wants to meet again
>they tell me to meet in one of the upstairs lounges
>I meet, both chicks are there
>as well as a third peruvian
>she's not a were or anything, but she can speak english
Then...
>cue incredibly awkward (for me) and frank (from them) explanation that the two were-jaguar girls don't actually have a place to live, but are here as exchange students
>I'm like... WTF, becuase I know that none of the local universities where I live would ever allow a foreign exchange student in without housing having been set up
>the were-jaguar girls are apparently hobo'ing it in the lounge, since the front door to the dorm wasn't locked when they came by and there's free wifi (the password hangs on a big note in the lounge...)
>also the one who likes me wanted to make out some more
>in front of the two others
>me once again very uncomfortable
>kinda hard to say no to a girl with that kind of claws
>plus she has dat ass and dat fur and is a remarkably good kisser
>you wouldn't think her a good kisser with the cat tongue thing going on, surprisingly not a problem
>finally talk her into getting into my room
time for hot latin sexings si?
>nope.avi

cont'd

>>18548416

Dude, just pick one, she'll think you're coming on strong if you do all three.

>>18548422
Now I'm worried about what I've gotten myself into.

>>18548422
Only if he lies there and takes it like a bitch.

>>18548435
>cue the most awkward and forced sex I've ever tried
>forced in the sense that while doing it she really didn't seem to want it that much
>mfw I'm basically left trying to hump a fuzzy ragdoll
>right after done she rushes into my bathroom and takes a shower
>comes out 30 minutes later
>gives me a quick kiss, says Gracias
>is out the door

>mfw the only reason I was probably given any attention at all was so that girl could get a shower
>also I was missing a ham from my mini-fridge
>the other girl was probably not willing to whore herself out to get a shower

>both girls are gone the next day when local sysadmin (one of the other dorm tenants) catches word of the hobo-chicks and shuts off the wifi temporarily

I feel kinda used. Fucking were-jaguars.

I mean, the one that was into me: She was really hot. Not very tall, but round and well shaped in all the right places - and when in catgirl mode... smoking hot.

>>18548433
Speaking as a bard, I'd say an ogress. Though I don't remember much about that night. And I couldn't walk for a month.
You know what? Stick to mermaids, they're softer and they enjoy music.

>>18548433
Sorry, I'll take a nice, slim elf woman over a mannish orcish cunt who can't even speak right.

>>18548439

He already confirmed that he's an angsty bard, he sounds like a little bitch.

>>18548423
Dude, it's the modern era, this shit isn't rocket science.

Take him down to the bank, ask them to put it a safety deposit box. You do have to declare it's your phylactery (yes, that's what it is, you dolt), but unless your friend gets the death penalty, he has nothing to worry about.

>>18548438

Oh for the love of god, do not bottom to an orc girl, that is a death sentence because:

A) You're gonna get your ass kicked.

B) She is never going to respect you as a lover after that, sister-in-law told me so, it's ancient primal shit that's still in their veins, you GOT to be dominant or they're going to look for someone who is.

>>18548437
I'll go with the blood lust song then.

Let me get my lute...

Fucking Paladins.

I work hard, five days a week. Saturday I want my peace.
But nooooooo, Saturday morning, it's not even 7Am yet, two paladins ringmy bell.

I open, all dazzy and half asleep and these two grinning fuckfaces happily yell "GOOD MORNING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT HELM, THE LORD AND PROTECTOR?"

Fucking Paladins. Let me sleep, aren't the countless deathtraps no sign that I want to be left alone?

Fucking undeads got it hard.

>>18548438
take a Bear's endurance potion before you go to her, she'll love how resistant you are

>>18548438
don't, he's either being metaphorical or full of shit.

You'll probably have a lot of bruises, but they'll be the fun sort

>>18548445
>>18548435
>>18548337

Your story is stupid/boring and your English is abominable.

>>18548462
Let's hope anon's lute is the only long and hard thing broken in twelve places by the end of the evening.

>>18548418
Told them to ask brongel and they're liek "Yeah yeah sure, next you'll say you didn't burn the forest" to which I respond as expected, and they throw me in a hole (literally a hole) warded against everything. Couldn't even make an arcane sign there.

After spending a couple of hours there, they just drag me out and throw me to my place, where amidst the rubble I find a not from Brongel saying he got the thing sorted out and that Inquisition'll send me some gold in the following week for the damages.

Yeah I'm still waiting for the money, currently staying at girlfriend's, at least she listened to me before beating me as hard as the inquisition.

Got my dad's old skyship for Christmas, which was sweet. Unfortunately, when I pressed what I thought was the windshield wiper button... Well, dad's got some explaining to do.

>be at a party
>hit on a hot chick
>going really well
>half-elf cousin arrives
>basically clicks his fingers to activate his swag
>no other chick interested in anyone else
>mfw

It's just... not... fair...

>>18548465
This is why you start with ogresses. If you can keep up with them and actually keep some control, orc chicks are by comparison a breeze.

Went to Scotland once.

Never seen this many drunk beards before. Holy shit.

Also, a little note: Don't ask for razors or a barber shop. You'll catch the evil eye.

>>18548475

I feel your pain, bro, only thing worse is a full-blooded elf that's gotten over that superiority complex.

>>18548478
You know the funnier thing:
Not a one of those were Dwarves.
Not. A. Single. One.

Humans, all of them.

>drunk as fuck, it's friday night
>finish shift at Worlock-mart, fucking wholesale magical goods at a cut rate price
>take bus to bar, deal with drunk hedge mage trying to pawn off a rune stone of lust, give him a fiver for it
>at bar, few drinks deep, thinking about my ex
>friends are being bros, get me hammered, make me recite the words of power for the rune
>wake up today
>fuck
>apartment is a mess, i'm on the couch
>go into bedroom, there's a pretty cute half elf of with brown skin and a wicked southerner accent
>something about a quest to retake her ancestors' mace
>fuck it I don't have to be back to work till tuesday, minoring in Elven seems to be a pretty nice choice right now

Anyone seen the game last night?

Fucking Barbarians. They're unstoppable this season.
They even steamrolled the Oakland Ogres.

>>18548488

I hate living in San Francisco, man, the Skull-Cleavers haven't had a good season in years.

>>18548488

pfft that'll be over once the Grimland Titans get them.

>Human, trying to pass the bar exam
>Study hard, apply self
>Still fail, examiners give me dirty looks
>Notice all my tiefling peers pass on the first try
>Fucking infernal background.
>This is a fucking conspiracy.

>>18548475
Pfft, everyone knows halfbreeds are the way of the future. That's got to be the reason why humans can breed with everything.
Take me, for example. I'm a spring child. I don't even know what to do with all my bitches, and I'm permanently 21.
It's just genetics, bro.

>>18548497
The Titans won't get far. They rely too much on Uzric. And his health has been questionable recently.

If they can't get him to a healer in time they're screwed.

>>18548485
actually they all have between 1/25 and 1/50 of dwarven blood, they used to live there

>>18548503

Yeah you'd kinda think they would have done something about that by now.

I can't believe I found a working computer.
Why did you stop sending rescue teams? There are still survivors in germany.
Actually I've seen a huge wall the other day. Did you just wall us off and call it a day? What the fuck, I thought we were cool, guys.

>>18548510
I guess you can't expect much when your trainer is a rock golem.

They're not known for brain power.

>>18548499
Oh yeah, blame the infernal background. Can't be you're just stupid.
Fucking racists. HURR YOU'RE A TIEFLING SO YOU HAVE TO BE A LAWYER.

>>18548488
I know man! I lost like 30 pieces of gold that night. It was a ludicrous display last night.

>>18548463
Oh, god.
These guys give Paladins like us a bad example.
Seriously, what part of "inspire by example" do they not understand?
Heck, after the last battle I fought, while everyone else was kissing up to the general, I ran around the field healing.
Probably saved a couple dozen.

Once the city was liberated, I returned to the town with my local temple, only to find it had been fire-bombed by the locals.
APPARENTLY, they have PROBLEMS with Sehanine, because of some recent doppleganger troubles.
They didn't care about the fact i'd helped stop the dopplegangers, of course, or that i'd saved the king from a FUCKING POISONED DAGGER TO THE SPINE, they just decided to be intolerant and retarded and utterly destroy our place of worship.

What the fuck, guys?
Don't be surprised when Sehanine keeps all love out of the town for the next year or so, assholes.

Where was I?
Oh, yeah. Retarded paladins.
I bet THOSE kind of paladins would have torched the place.
So many want to "spread the word", only to happily and quickly fall when the chips are down.
They make me sick.

>Chilling with my bros at a burger joint
>Two orcs walk in
>Aw shit, here comes trouble
>Cashier is a lich
>Open the door
>Fucking Gamestop

>>18548517

Honestly this year I got money on the Bulenia Harpies, have you seen that Gnoll they drafted up from Razortwig U? Fucking beast, man.

>>18548514
What?
Did I miss something?
Tell me your location and I'll come to finish you.
Er that is to say finish this.
As in getting people out.

>>18548534
isn't he from the sector X-16 in germany?
bad news, bad news...

>Corollaries 5:4 No man or woman shall mate with a non-human and produce offspring. The mixing of the human and the non-human in a being is an abomination in the eyes of Zarus. The offspring of man must be human, and human alone, to fulfill Mankind’s destiny. The half-human is not human and must be culled.
>Corollaries 5:5 Mankind bears the heaviest burden for only Man is fit to rule creation. It is Man’s destiny to rule and guide the non-human races. Those of the non-human races who accept the law of Zarus should be treated within the law of Zarus. Those of the non-human races who resist the law of Zarus must be culled unto the last generation.
REPENT, SINNERS! REPENT AND BE SAVED!

I, for one, am completely against this trend of Goblins immigrating to the E.U. countries. We should be like America and at least try a bit to control our immgration- these little green shits try to impose their culture on us like we're beholden to go along with their sensibilities just because we let them in, and everyone knows they were responsible for all those terror attacks in the past few years. What the fuck is this place coming to?

>>18548537
Right right, now I need your location as well.
It won't hurt that much, once you let go of your sanity. It'll be quick and clean

All right guys, bard here. I wrote a song for that Orc like you all said.

I dunno...is it "Orcy" enough? I'm trying to make it Orc-Sexy, y'know?

Here it is:

In the darkness of the early night,
a shock of lighting trembles,
to see the most ferocious sight:
An Orc horde all assembled.

For there are greater fears than death,
dishonour chief among them all,
so we launch the charge with no regrets,
and smilingly we enter the brawl.

On the edge of life, one is most alive,
so the old saying goes,
so let us wear our hearts lightly as we
enter our passion throes!

>>18548540
And people WONDER why all the other kingdoms let THAT particular Crusade of Darkness succeed.

>Go to the library at my college
>Guys keep asking me where I'm hiding my beard, and telling me I'm just a chubby halfling or a gnome
>Keep having to insist that I'm a dwarf, nobody believes me
> They all think I'm joking, just keep laughing

Seriously, guys, this isn't funny. The beards thing is a racial stereotype based on ancient misconceptions about how dwarf women tie their hair around their necks and you know it. Only the dwarf women from up by the north pole ACTUALLY grow beards, and that's because of the cold climate.

>>18548554

>succeed

Heh.

>>18548532
The Minnesota Minotaurs got my money.
Six games, zero losses. And the next game is against the the New York Halfings. That's pretty much a guaranteed victory.

If they keep this up they'll rush to the top.

>>18548553

Troll-Bro here.

Dude...that cunt is yours.

>>18548550
Hey, if that means we get more cute Goblin girls I don't mind.

>>18548550
you were brainwashed by the medias, dude
we keep them in ghettos and only let them in because they are fun to bully

>>18548552
don't worry i'm with you
the blood rose will never lose his roots, right?

>>18548553
seconding troll bro, you are set man. godspeed.

>>18548559
Is it true that dwarf girls are hairy as fuck "down there"?

>>18548563
>>18548576
All right, I'm off to buy some healing potions and a lump of meat for afterwards.

Good-bye original pelvis...

>>18548579
I mean I've seen dwarven porn. But it was all stages and all the girl were shaved clean.

I dunno if that's the norm or just done for the videos.

>>18548034

Dude, as a Wizard currently doing my Masters in Conjuration, you have to understand: A sorcerer fucks up the grade curve.

He's not accepted in a school, because it's pointless - His spells manifest randomly, and he can't learn new ones. He has to go out to the field, and practice his...practical. Being in a university is worst than useless.

Besides, I think several campuses offer an integrated program.

rolled 66 = 66

>>18548579

We're not children or squeamish teenagers here, it's perfectly okay to say "pubic hair".

>>18548554
>Commandments 4:1 That Mankind shall know its place in the World and shall know how best to fulfill its destiny, Zarus has made known Commandments to be followed by all humanity alike. Those of the races of Man who reject the Commandments, thereby reject their humanity and become as any non-human race - inferior and subject to the will of Man. It the command of Zarus that all who reject their humanity be shown no mercy, even below that of the non-human, who may earn grace by serving Mankind as their natural superiors in all things.
Mankind is the master race. The fact that deviants and apostates and race traitors are allowed to run free is a stain upon our race.
There will come a great cull. We are biding our time.

So, did any of you guys play that Katawa Monmusu game that came out a while back? I thought the blind vampire route was pretty well done myself, but the writers totally screwed up not giving that pink slimegirl her own route!

>>18548596
>Zarus
>Actual god
>Not a construct of a supremacist society.

>>18548594
Oh man.

Last week in a scrollstop store I saw a sorceror trying to hit on the cashier girl.

He was nervous and conjured spaghetti all over the place.

It was hilarious.

>>18548534
Oh fuck you, you know what? This is the last fucking straw. We will rebuild this shit, as always, and then we'll pick another fight with the entire world. Fourth time's the charm, fuckers, this time we'll just make even bigger tanks.

All those years playing STALKER finally paid off.

>>18548596

>>Implying Emperor Gerrundus didn't kill that false idol after the fifth time you tried to take over the world.
>>laughinggotterans.jpg

>>18548601
Yeah, the developers just made her to troll the shit out of us, I think.

And yes, I still use troll as a verb. I don't care if it offends you blue-skinned tusked motherfuckers, if you can use it that way in front of each other I should be able to use it too.

>>18548562
You notice that ever since San Francisco started letting elves be quarterbacks and receivers and dominated because of it now everyone's doing it? Guess they all figured out what SF knew for years, yes a troll or on orc can take an elf down easy if they hit them, but they have to actually hit them.

>>18548603

>fantasy world
>look at me being so edgy for thinking that certain gods aren't real just because I don't approve of them

>>18548603
>Transcendence 3:2 Zarus’ wife, however, took pity on humanity. Earlier elevated to godhood by the World, much as her husband, Astra determined to raise up among Mankind other gods, that Mankind might have succor until Zarus would again turn his face toward humanity. So it was that Astra gave something of her power to other beings that they might become divine. Astra was diminished but new gods arose among humanity.
Zarus commands that Men shall have no other gods before him. He does not forbid their worship, but he must be held above all others. You are the reason the Father of Men turned his face from us to begin with.
You sicken me.

I'm just glad they passed a bill in my country that lets people donate their bodies to ghouls when they die.

Shit, guys, ghouls aren't mindless zombies. We can talk just fine and have been proven to have the same brain functions as an average human. It's about time people start giving us some attention.

Sure, we're hungry all the fucking time, but you've just gotta keep that shit in check and buy a hunk of tenderloin from the butchery if it's really eating at you. It'd really help if people didn't wave their hands in our faces and dare us to take a bite. If you tell me to, I fucking WILL just to spite you. It's your own goddamn fault.

>>18548540
>>18548596
>Worshiping Zarus
>Not recognizing He Who Was as the first and only sovereign of man.

Enjoy your fake god, fake religion and hateful creed, heretic.

>>18548619

Yeah and this year Silverfoot's been replaced by a fucking zombie because this retard city has to be on the edge of equality.

Shambling douches who date soap stars and lose their arms mid-throw have no place on the gridiron.

>>18548631
>Zarus
>Father of Man
LOLNO.
Asmodeus killed your god, bitch.

>>18548601
Oh god. I remember.

>playing hyperactive legless elven athlete route
>suddenly, anal scene
>anal scene out of nowhere
>she literally looks twelve

WHAT HAVE I DONE.
I still can't sleep whenever I hear police sirens nearby.
They're coming for me, I know it!

rolled 79 = 79

>Go to uni, have a crush on a girl.
>We became close friends.
>She is allways surrounded by other girls who wear black.
>After a while I discover that she is a wizard and her friends are necromancers.
>Im about to graduate from being a Paladin of Heironious and got some assignments to have a degree in warrior of justice.
>Discover that her friends told her what Im doing.
>Everytime I bump into her between classes, she turns arround and leave.
>My dwarf bro told me I liked her.
>Now her friends never let me be close to her and don't even think of being alone.

I feel sad guys

>Dating a fire elemental
>Can't touch her
>Platonic relationship forever

:C

>>18548634
>I'm just glad they passed a bill in my country that lets people donate their bodies to ghouls when they die.

Yeah, because letting you greyskinned bastards get a taste for human flesh is SUCH a great idea...

>>18548596
Our grandfathers died gunning down bollocks like you back in the War.

Our grandfather did a lot of stupid things, but this is something I'll honor myself if needs be.

>>18548636
Genesis 1:1 In the beginning, there was the World and from the World came all things. The last and most perfect creation of the World was Man. His name was Zarus and he was the first of the races of Mankind. Zarus came into the World without the hand of any being, mortal or immortal, being raised. He was created from and by the World alone.
As you give your worship unto false gods, you are damned in His sight.
>>18548646
>Genesis 1:4 In secret, the older races plotted to poison Zarus. In a gift of wine at his wedding to Astra, the older races offered a toast to Zarus’ health with poisoned wine. Zarus knew of the jealousy of the older races but honor prevented him from refusing the treacherously offered cup. Zarus drank, and died, but the World would not allow such injustice and raised Zarus as a god as great as the chief most gods of the older races and greater still as would be revealed in time.
The lesser gods did try, indeed.

>>18548653
Like a 12 year old human or like a 12 year old elf?

>>18548639
Not to mention when they're out for the rest of the season with an ankle accident.

Seriously, we can't find the ankle, we've looked everywhere.

>>18548667

Only twelve year old I can think of there is the twelve year old drider.

I can't even fathom what the age equivalence in human years works out to be. All I know is it's probably illegal.

>>18548660
Meet Endure Elements or Elemental Body.
Get some wizard to cast it on a ring along with permanency and shazam

>>18547965
You still going round the line OP?
Or have you managed to escape yet?

>>18548653
Her mother was STACKED for an elf though, god DAMN. I wish they'd made a route for HER!

>>18548667
Human, thank god.
I'd already be wiping my computers if she looked like a twelve year old elf.

Still, it's risky as fuck.
Can't leave it unlocked and unsupervised, not even to pee.

>>18548619

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Elven Rangers, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Khazad-dum, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in dire ape warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire Elven armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of bladesingers across Europe, and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Elven Rangers and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo.

>>18548657
i know someone that sells really good potions of fire resistance...
they're a bit expensive but will work great for one hour... interested?

>>18548354
Uh same guy as here, sort of need help. My lamia friend is coming around soon and I have no fucking clue what to do. The harpy just set up in my room and is staying and I somewhat don't mind since my blood is telling me minions are good especially if they double as concubines but I like the lamia and I don't know how she will handle this... Don't they eat harpies or something?

>>18548634
Is fucking a ghoul still illegal? No reason, just curious.

>>18548662
>Transcendence 3:1 Zarus guided each of the races of Man as best he could, but even Zarus, greatest of the gods, grew tired. The other non-human races and their gods never stopped trying to destroy Zarus and his children. In comely guises, they sought to seduce human men and women. Abominable admixtures of humans and the more fecund of the non-human races began to be commonly seen. Humanity had turned from Zarus and he turned his back upon them. Mankind knew not of Zarus.
Brother turns hand against brother, as he fights for the corrupt and unjust tenets of inferior beings.
Such weakness screams to be culled before it spreads.
You cannot kill the disciples of the True Faith. Not now, and not ever.

>>18548653

What was even up with that scene? Even the burn victim got better scenes than that, and she was a fucking human.

Who the fuck puts a human in a game for disabled monsters? I mean really.

>>18548673

Tabloids said that Gnoll kid for the Harpies ate it.

Denies the whole thing of course.

Me and a couple of other fighters have banded ourselves as the 99% to end the Casters' tyrannical methods of controlling the economy and exploiting the middle and lower class.

We're going to parade on Wizard Street against the 1%, that'll show em.

>>18548685
Just like an elf. Typical.

>>18548639
Yeah that's really gonna hurt our chances at getting into the playoffs, management needs to fuck off and let Lord Shadowsworn run the fucking team, guy has been coaching since the current owner's grandfather was in diapers. Why keep a guy like that on if you're going to second guess and countermand everything he does? The guy became a vampire just so wouldn't have to retire, he loves his players that much, and they love him, they need to back the fuck off and let him do the job they're paying him to do.

I'm honestly tired that our dorm won't build lava pipes or rivers here, have to stick with fucking useless ovens (which will leave you weaker than normal) or stack up with gasoline (neighbours and roommates will complain about the smell).

Can any fire elemental relate?

>>18548690
that -can- happen, but only if they get in a fight.
try to calm them down if they get mad at eachother and keep your room warm

>>18548694
I don't know. We did slaughter a decent amount last time. Few tears were shed.

>>18548690
You think you have problems. I've been eating things I can't even name for a week and at least two guys in this thread are tracing me to do to me whatever they did to the others. My shadow literally has eyes and is watching me, and I think even my dick has stopped working because of the magical radiation. I'm almost as far from berlin as I could be with this wall in the way, but you still managed to take my boners away from me.

>>18548709
Invest in a propane burner.

>>18548711
And I do not hold this against you.
>Commandments 4:7 Thou Shalt Honor Thy Fellows. Man must respect man, even as he strives against him in competition to prove his superior humanity.
Our only quarrel with you and yours is your rejection of the Word of Zarus. Zarus has commanded that those who reject his word are lower than even the non humans, fit only to be enslaved or culled. So it was written, so it shall be.

>>18548690

Just sit them down and talk it out together. Even if they can't agree on a solution just yet, they'll appreciate that you tried to solve things peacefully and included them in the process instead of going on some half-cocked crazy plan on your own.

>>18548657

Just go down to Scrollstop and pick up some Scrolls of Fire Resistance.

Practice safe sex bro.

>>18548704

Yeah making fun of me is so funny, so funny I forgot to laugh. If you wanna talk like that to me why don't you come here and say it to me face so I can answer your insults with a swift arrow to the nose. Yeah you have a lot to say from hundreds of miles away but I bet if my bow was in reach of your face you would be like a rock with silence cast on it. So do yourself a favor and keep your mouth shut unless you want to die. Next time you think about saying something like that to me I want you to remember one thing. I know the guy that created locate city, and I can locate you in the time it took me to type this. Don't want anymore problems.... didn't think so faggot. You have any idea what dire ape warfare is? I do, I was in the Elven Rangers and I perfected it. I'm fully capable of using it on you motherfuckers. Do you know the dander your in if I find you? I am 100$ serious. Bunch of god damn newfaf loser here and I will not have it. At least I've had sex, had girlfriends, and gotten laid, and blowjobbed unlike you virgin piece of orc SHIT.

>>18548710
Yeah that isn't an issue luckily.
Between me being a red descendant and my room mate being a tiefling we keep our place warm all the time

Calming them down might be hard though because I heard harpies and lamia can both be very possessive I just don't know how they feel on the idea of sharing. I know my grandfather told me it is great but he was set up with his own laur already, not a student halfway through his degree into dead religions and forbidden magical theory

>>18548737
Y'know, I hear "it isn't rape if it's an elf" is actually the law in Zarite lands. Maybe they have the right idea.

>>18548737
>>18548685

You clearly have repressed issues. Clearly, a little girl raped you as a child. You should seek professional help regarding that.

>>18548734

I'm pure Scandiv stock back to my ancestors who settled that land on the first raider ship. We've kinda been hoping someone would give us an excuse for another Wild Hunt, sounds like you pretty much sent us an engraved invitation.

See ya 'round, cousin.

>be ancient construct built by aztecs as a warrior.
>be awoken later rather than earlier.
>some chick trying to steal my helmet.

All I wanted to do was play some fucking B-ball and now I can't kill people during it apparently.

So my Aasimar girlfriend broke up with me after she found out that I use hellfire instead of normal fire for pretty much everything one would normally use fire (lighting up the fireplace etc.) because for some reason it's much harder for me to use normal than hellfire. Sometimes I just... I don't know, want to let out some steam or something.
Anyone know any places near the Forests of Cold (roughly translated from the finnish/fey name of the place. It's pretty chill, located in northern Finland, in an area where they feywild and "real world" meet)

>>18548746
>Zarite Lands
>Implying Zarites have any kind of country.

>>18548749
I relish the opportunity to test myself, brother of man.

Goddamn there are a lot of Zarus fags in here. get back to Thunderfront you fucking basementdwelling pricks. I live in a student appartment and there are lots of goblins here. They are decent and hardworking just like the rest of us.

rolled 99 = 99

>>18548656
>Get invited by my bro dwarf to a party
>Tell them I wont go because last time he left me alone and went to fuck our succubu teacher.
>He promised he wont because she is now dating a goliat.
>I believe him and we go.
>Fucker dissapears ten minutes after we got there and I am the only human on sight.
>Group of elven are mocking at me because I am the only human there and because they are superior and shit.
>Tell them at least I can distinguish male from female in my race.
>Whole place is laughing at them and they leave in shame.
>I make a lot of friends including a minotaur and a lamia.
>Suddenly I get surrounded by a group of drunken female halflings.
>They convince me to go upstairs (I was kind of drunk too)
>I end up being raped by them, now I can barely feel my legs.
>Im never going out with that dorf again

That's why I keep an electric blanket on hand OP, that and because I think there might be some Lamia in my gene pool, I suck against the cold.

>>18548746
>>18548747

The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away most of your of what you wrote, because, well ... it didn't really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to sing, dance, cast, and use a bow, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us Elves take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" races like humans or orcs in this world who find these things to be difficult. If I had known that this was true in your case then I would have never have exposed myself to what you wrote. It just wouldn't have been "right." Sort of like singing to the trees in a greenhouse. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.

>>18548772

He was jokingly critiquing a trend in football, you tool.

why do all of these thread degenerate into
"I fucked some nonhuman poon tang!"?
stop wanking under the table

>>18548762
>implying the defeat of the Empire stopped the rampant Zarus-worship in those areas
Send out a half-human to almost any rural village in the western marches. He'll be swinging from a tree in an hour.

>>18548770
>keep an electric blanket on hand
If you're out and about where the hell would you plug it in?

>>18548768

Dude, I saw a goblin have a catfight with a halfling once...never thought I could get a boner for midget wrestling, but life's full of surprises.

Sadly turned out they were dating and just into that shit, crazy world.

>>18548713
I'd drown my sorrows, but I haven't found a single drop of alcohol in the last weeks. I'm beginning to those helidragons weren't rescue teams rather than looters.

Fuck it, I looted enough anti-magic missiles to supply an army, next dragon I see gets it.

>>18548788
Magitech batteries.
Basically a self contained portal to the realm of energy

>>18548768
why not?
that sounds awesome

So I woke up to something weird today.

Apparently my left arm has turned into stone. But it still moves and works as normal.

Anyone know wtf this is? I have already broken three mugs from when I tried to get a coffee in the morning before I realized what had happened and I don't want to keep breaking things

rolled 77 = 77

>>18548797
I hate being alone in a place i know no one. Im not that social.....
Also, I think those halfling did something... my ass was kind of weird the next day...
But the sex was great

124/f/elf
I recently started dating an orc...
How do I tell my parents?

>>18548781
Uh, dude. Nobody's been doing that for two centuries before your "Empire" suddenly started shitting over the western civilization. That's why we all ganged up against you. You were rabid degenerates with guns and you needed to be put down.

Nowadays, you only major supporters are retarded social rejects kids on welfare. Think about it.

>be a fighter
>family tradition, stop laughing
>room in college with a Bard
>he plays his shitty self-recorded demo reels all day and night
>fucks the unholiest of shrieking things every night
>grades and physical performance start to slip because of him
>wake up one day, hear no music
>go out, see he's playing it, but can't hear
>he starts singing words of power, I can't hear
>later that day, accidental fireball discharges near me
>I get caught in the radius
>no effect
>clothes not even charred
>tug on collar and strut away

I don't know how it happened, /tg/, but I'm immune to Magic.
How do I exploit this for maximum potential gain?

>>18548778
u jelly?
you wouldn't say that if you ever had half-human pussy

>>18548831
Find out if you are truly immune or whether you have just gained spell resistance.
If you are truly immune, troll the ever living fuck out of mages at parties.

>>18548781
>One tiny region
>Worth bothering with
Seriously, find me any backwater swamp where outsiders are safe.
Meanwhile, the rest of what was the "empire" has made massive steps towards progress. Thanks to a basic education, Zarus worship is pretty much a thing of the past. After all, he was never a real god, just an Imperial creation.

>>18548819
don't
you're still young and your old geezers won't accept it

>>18548831

The Magic Crimes Unit of your local police force is usually looking for people of that talent, makes taking down perps a hell of a lot easier.

Say what you want about frost giants but you'll never convince me that those laws that the finnish have are justified. I mean, all that slaughtering of humans was hundreds of years ago now and it's a little known fact that 92% of the finnish frost giant population is living in abject poverty.
When I was in sweden I met a frost giant, she was a tour guide. She was really nice to us and very cute. I don't get it.

>>18548794
careful, dragons are surprisingly resilient to anti-aircraft weapons. Gave me a hard time the first time I had to kill a dragon.

>>18548806
You're probably part golem.

>>18548863
They say our History is our richest treasure. And it is the Rich that control the laws of the world.

Some things just can't change, man.

>>18548863

Did you have an ice day?

>Return home from tour with other khornate mates in my warband.
>I just want to see the misses (vampire bird, makes a banging noodle pie).
>Mates convince me to come with them to this new dwarf bar that opened opposite greggs.
>Just finished my third skull of rum when these orc cunts walk into the bar.
>Turns out they're millWAAAAAARGH fans too.

Next thing I know, Dave's head butted this greenskin so hard he broke half HIS face off, Charlie's robbing greggs and I've kicked an orc through the fruit machine.

Landlord said it was the best fight he's seen in a while.

>>18548828
It is more pervasive than you give it credit for, brother.
The message of Zarus is not one of hate. It is a message of the manifest destiny of Man to dominate the world entire. The lesser races would be left to their own devices upon accepting His love.
No, the abominations that you call "demihumans", they are the sticking point. You simply must protect such obvious blasphemies against Zarus, Astra, and the World entire.
No, we bide our time. We have grown adept at that.

>>18548854
But Grum is such a nice guy I think they might accept him.

>>18548864
What did you shoot it with? Modern AAA goes through enchanted scale like it isn't there.

>>18548881
Every young elf thinks that and every young elf is fucking wrong.

rolled 2 = 2

>>18548881
Hear the man lady, orcs and elven arent good friends. At least leave your place and when you have your own house/tree/whatever you can move with him

>>18548873

GET OUT OF HERE ARNIE

>>18548864
You know, when you lose 3 wars within a century due to the enemy using non-humans and magical weaponry, you start to develop really good anti-magic.

>>18548868
Well I don't think I am since this is the first time it has happened to me in 24 years of being alive. Can it just pop up like that though? I mean it would be cool for party tricks and my job in construction but can I turn it on or off at all?

>>18548878
>we've grown adapt at biding our time
Translation
"we can't do shit, haven't done shit in ages, and cannot foresee being able to do shit for a long time."

>>18548901

Stay cool.

>>18548881

Take it from someone that was in quite a few turf wars when he was younger:

Race prejudices run deep.

You take him to meet the folks it's going to be 'Guess who's trolling to dinner' except without the happy ending.

...By the way, that movie sucked.

>>18548893
Modern AAA goes through damn near everything like it isn't there, which is why planes stick to going faster, than being tough.... with one very freakish exception.

>>18548896
You sound like my house spirit.
>>18548899
I was thinking of dropping out of mage school and moving into his loft.

>>18548914
Depends, you'll have to go to your doctor to test it out, you might just be a mutant.

>>18548851
Indeed?
Have you never noticed the similarities in the holy symbols of Pelor and Zarus?
And who, exactly, is the most commonly worshiped human god?

Pelor worship is clearly a degenerate form of the true Faith.

>>18548862
Do remember though... if you're really naturally anti-magical, it'll most likely fuck with any magical equipment that they normally give officers. That means only mundane armor, no fancy shmancy magical optics, no boots of speed for running down perps... it's a big paycheck, for sure, but your kind have a damn risky job.

Not to mention I'm unsure if resurrection- or, hell, even healing magic works on people like that.

>>18547965

>At party
>Lamia keeps getting close to me wherever I go
>Think she might like me
>Everytime I talk to her she says nothing but just 1 or 2 word sentences
>She looks sleepy and drowsy after a few drinks
>Falls asleep right next to me and leans on me
>Too beta to wake her up
>She starts to coil and I can't move
>She sniffs me every 30 seconds, sighs and smiles and the coil is getting tighter

I'm freaking out right now. Does she think I'm food or something?

>>18548878
>Clinging to your dying religion and your false diety
No, really, it's on the down turn. Basic education was really all it took to lift the veil and reveal that Zarus did not exist and it was just a bastardized teaching of He Who Was.
And no, only YOU call them Demi-Humans. The term is Humanoid or Sapiod.

>>18548925
I learned that from a house spirit, I've even watched the young elves make the same mistake every generation.

>>18548934
Nah, somewhat unlikely.

>>18548931
>And who, exactly, is the most commonly worshiped human god?

My Penis.

>>18548934
More likely you're warm.

>>18548893
the problem is unless you get him in a vital area he's gonna take a while to die (or he'll heal himself if he has enough magic power) Also if they can see the missile coming actually hitting will be a problem, some of the fuckers can turn on a dime.

Most air targets I can kill with a single missile, but I usually have to drop 3-4 AIM 9's into a dragon.

>>18548934
Lamia's don't usually eat people and stay in society for very long, so probably not.

rolled 29 = 29

>>18548925
that is a good idea, but do you know what will you do? do you have any kind of skill?

>>18548934
Cant help you here bro, i never dated a lamia. I only dated a demonette once, those lobsters hands bro.... but remember that lamias are reptiles (I think) and they need heat, and body heat is great

>>18548931
Despite the fact that Pelor predates Zarus by several millennia.
Or how Zarite teachings are just racist versions of the Lost King's Bible.
Your god is as real as Banjo, Lord of Puppets.
Scratch that, Banjo might actually be a thing.

>>18548942
Grum is different he is going to play professional rugby.
You really can't be judging someone you don't even know he isn't a mistake!

>>18548916
One does not wage a guerrilla war via righteous fury and frontal assaults.
Brother.
>>18548941
I call them unclean abominations. I believe I'm being misquoted here.
"He Who Was" began as a cult after Zarus turned his face from Man. Note the past tense in "Was". It was the worship of Zarus in the form of pleading that itself was corrupted into a different religion.
Other gods are other gods, and they have their purposes. Zarus is Zarus, and he is supreme.

rolled 22 = 22

>>18548957
Didnt the dragon knights have anti magic misiles for that? or where they anihilated?

>>18548957
AAA cannons are more efficient for using against dragons than missiles are. Cheaper to.

>>18548967
You dated one of them?

I know this probably sounds weird, but do you know if you can catch any diseases from eating them?

>>18548881
with such long lived lives elves tend to be even more stuck in their ways than other short lived races, it would be like taking a black human to meet you're white human great-grandparents who grew up in the 20's.

>>18548967
Well I am pretty good at prestidigitation and ummm mage light...
Oh oh oh!
I like music I could be a DJ!

>>18548974
I'm not judging him, I'm judging your parents.

>Old
>Elf
That's all I really need to know about them, their response is the same as every other old elf's response. Plus, the problem you face is the same one every elf who dates outside their race will face: you won't be done dating, and your opposite number will be wanting to marry.

>>18548974
>Grum is different he is going to play professional rugby.

At his approximate age, if he isn't already playing professionally or been formally scouted by a prep club, he's got no real chance of it. Sad, but that's the reality of the situation.

>>18548977
well yeah, but that means getting closer, which is bad if the dragon is any kind of caster.

Also the guy mentioned finding missiles, not AAA cannons.

rolled 15 = 15

>>18548978
Not sure, she never mentioned that.
But why are you eating the lobster hands? they can do great things with those hands

>>18548983
you can go to the bard college, I think they can teach you a couple of things and maybe will help you with Grum

>>18548973
Zarus dates from the birth of Man into the World.
He turned his face from us, and only returned to us upon the Third Epoch. Thus it is written, and so it was.

>>18548975
>Thinking The Fallen King is Zarus
>1978 AFM
Zarus' worship can be traced back about four or five centuries. Right when the Empire was coming back into power.

The Cult of The Father has been around for much longer, though it's remained out of the public dialog, and he is even referenced in some ancient Asmotian texts.

Zarus is false.

Dating a gnome chick here
>often get dirty looks from elderly people who can't tell a gnome appart from a young human girl
>this is occationally followed by rare whispers of "Is he a pedo?"
>Still, she's worth it
>she's got a comp. sci. degree, works for IBM
>the sex is crazy good
>No I won't go into details
>Well, not beyond "I have reach, she has flexibility"
>she's done... something... to my computer - it now runs so much better
>it can even run all my old abandonware DOS games
>also I get an automatic email from her every time i click a porn pic on 4chan
>the emails are reminders to share...
>mfw she's as big a porn fiend as I am
>gtg, making pizza with bacon-weave, she loves that

>>18548983
>Well I am pretty good at prestidigitation and ummm mage light...
>Oh oh oh!
>I like music I could be a DJ!

My advice? Stay in school for now. waiting a bit longer won't kill you, and you'll pick up marketable skills in that time.

"Dropping out and moving into boyfriend's loft" is rarely, if ever, a viable or sensible decision, unfortunately.

>>18548934
she wants warmth, and may or may not have a liking to you
tell her your bed would be warmer and see how she'll react

>>18549000
Awesome!
I could be like Gale Starwind!
>>18548996
He has several scouts and even a few rangers that go to his games.
>>18548996

>>18548999
The fuck it does. The only reason it has "close" in the name, is because it can't bitch slap your planes from the other side of the ocean.

>>18549006
And I am expected to be moved by the fact that the name of Zarus was lost in the intervening epochs?
I am empowered by my god. I smite the unclean scions of unnatural unions, and I see the light of Zarus shine though my arm. Your lack of faith does not make the True god a false one.

>>18549018
>He has several scouts and even a few rangers that go to his games.

Has he got a signed contract? Has he been given formal admission to a prep club?

I understand it sounds harsh, but scouts and such are fickle, like magpies. Unless there's a formal, written guarantee in his hand, he's standing on a knifedge.

These so called divine beings, they are parasites.
Parasites that feast upon the worship and souls of their followers.
They claim to have created us, to have created the world we live in. We have no proof of this but their word. I do not argue against their existence, I argue against their divinity. And if they are not divine, what does that make them?

Now ask yourself, do we need these so called gods? What do they bring us but war and pain? Would it not be better to tear them down from their gilded towers and to continue into this world free from their tyranny? To finally reach our true potential once we are free from the shackles of faith?

No gods, no worship, only man.