Reminds me of a flash game I played... Of which almost the exact thing happened.

>>17888136

He was just mad that he couldn't rail road me after I blew that roll out of the water.

You fell for the same thing Orpheus did. That's a fairly well known story from Greek Mythology.

In fact, that didn't even happen. You just adapted an existing story to a role playing scenario.

>>17888165
Glad someone else noticed this.

>>17888165
Wait. That's the point, isn't it?

It has been established already that all the Greek gods were That DM.

>>17888165

It's almost like a joke or something.

Head back in there and rules lawyer right back until either they free the PC, they kill you, or their brains explode. No matter which happens, you win.

Or, you know, go use your skills to acquire 25.000gp worth of diamonds and then hire a cleric to cast True Resurrection, like a normal person.

>>17888179
>>17888165

That's...that's the joke. He's taking a myth from history and turning it into a game story.

>>17888189
Except for Hephaestus, who was just a neckbeard with an unreasonably hot wife.

Who he got the best retribution ever on when she cheated on him with the local jock.

>Charop my fighter like a motherfucker, immunities and unbeatable numbers across the board, spend most of the campaign casually cleaving through masses of enemies
>last session, we've won and everything
>BBEG's second lieutenant shoots me from behind, DM says I'm dead
>pulls out my build and points out a loophole that basically says I die if someone shoots me in the foot

>>17888192
>>17888201
I suppose that would explain the old timey Orpheus image.

>Be so fucking gorgeous that even the Gods envy me.
>Get turned into a hideous monster by bitch Goddess
>Get Stonegaze though, mite b cool.
>Have my own statue garden of hunky adventurers
>Get my head cut off by punk ass mirror using kid.

>Infiltrate enemy nation for my dad, the king.
>Seduce the enemy nation's princess. Get her to help me.
>Kill a Minotaur.
>Use the princess's help to escape the labyrinth.
>Sail back home.
>DM: "You forgot to switch the sails, your dad kills himself when he sees the black sails."
>That fucking guy.

> Have to fight a medusa
> Damn thing has stony gaze
> keep my back to it, hack her head off
> Drops a pegasus
> I repeat, she drops a pegasus
> "DM ARE YOU FUCKING HIGH!?"

>be a druid
>wild shape into a bull
>flirt with my sister as kind of a joke
>she gets turned on
>we fuck

>no consequences at all

It's alright to be jelly.

>>17888118
I create a diplomancer with Charisma and Intelligence as my best stats. DM says to create an extensive backstory, and all the other dudes make invincible Mary Sues. One even had a minor goddess as his mother. I just make a guy who's a family man, and the love for his kin motivates him the most.

DM then sets us up for a military campaign, but I'm not really into this kind of play, so I solved the entire conflict in one session with some judicious use of diplomacy, bluffing and a sprinkle of craft: carpentry.

I promptly pack my things and go to meet up with my family, only for him to dickishly try to get revenge for me "ruining" his campaign. He then railroads me into an extremely long and pointless string of sidequests involving me getting blown off the course time after time. I mean, this got old after the first three times.

Then, he tries to mind-control my character and have him engage in some sick furry shit. Twice.

Then he ruins my ship and kills all of my follower npcs I so lovingly crafted.

After I finally reach home by bending some rules and basically powergaming my way out of combat situations, he says:

>no anon, you are the That Guy
>mfw

>Things going great in the campaign, king of a land I stumbled into
>Receive a quest to find the old kings murderer
>DM keeps dropping hints to the other players that it was me to the point where our Oracle is straight up accusing me
>Losing my shit OC and IC trying to explain to everyone how it's just bullshit he's pulling out of his ass
>End up having to retire the character
>Ask DM to explain his bullshit
>Says he based it on my backstory
>One sentence from my backstory where I killed a guy who nearly ran me over to show that I had a temper

Remind me never to write that shit down again.

>>17888223
>Who he got the best retribution ever on when she cheated on him with the local jock.

Best retribution ever? The way I remember that story he caught them together and trapped them so all the other gods could see their infidelity... And all the gods basically laughed at him and high-fived Ares for getting to hit that.

Hephaestus: Patron god of r9k

> Be son of a God
> Do awesome shit
> Kill hydras
> Pick up horse poo
> Slay lions
> Etc. etc. etc.
> Become God
> Hurled thousands of years into the future
> Stripped of my free will
> Enslaved to a loli
< MFW

>>17888321
Wasn't OP in >>17888321 either. Damn names stick around between threads.

>Get a prize bull from the sea god as a present.
>Wife starts acting funny.
>Turns out she's pregnant.
>Feels good man.
>Wife gives birth.
>Kid is half bull.
>WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT.

> Be an illusionist
> Everyone in the party hates me
> Every female is a known attention whore with most of their points in charisma
> Take revenge by promising 200 gold to whoever can prove they're the most beautiful woman out of the group
> Eventually they ended up starting a war between two random countries just for the sake of their contest
> MFW I'm trying to keep a straight face the entire time

>>17888321
Odd, I was pretty sure the gods were laughing at Ares and Aphrodite for getting punked so hard.

I mean, it's one thing to cheat on the dude and not have him figure it out when it's an open secret; that would be cool. But getting caught in the act because they were too stupid to listen for the chariot pulling in the driveway? Now that's just pathetic.

>Party coming home from a war
>Sent off-course
>After avoiding railroading to not go home, get stuck on island with cyclops
>Trick cyclops, put its eye out.
>GM bullshits that cyclops was son of sea god, and forces us to dick around at sea forever, slowly killing off party.
>receive gift from wind god, should bring us home
>Railroads again by having NPCs open gift, sending us flying off in a cyclone to god knows where. More people die from increasingly bullshit disasters and monsters.
>Eventually players stop wanting to reroll, party dwindles more and more.
>Only sticking with GM because he's my roommate
>Finally get home- my character is the only one who's survived both of his campaigns, super high level right now.
>The one other player decides to play as my son as his final character
>crit-succeed a disguise check
>Take out small army of suitors towards my character's wife- not one can hit me at this point
>GM declares that rest of city hates me now
>call bullshit, leave

>Have a twin brother.
>We're both the sons of Zeus (I mean, who isn't?)
>He's super strong.
>I'm super fast.
>He gets all the glory.
>Nobody remembers me.
>Idon'twanttoliveinthismythanymore.jpg

>>17888364
I distinctly remember the line "Can I get caught in your net next time" coming up in the version I learned.

>Roll an oracle
>able to for see disastrous events in the future
>Constantly ignored by the rest of the Party
>Finally they stumble into a huge trap, total TPK despite my warnings
>Only survivor, try to run away
>Get raped

That Group general.

>>17888380

Fucking terrible party balance in this game.

>Party is lost at sea after winning a war
>End up on an island
>Meet a witch
>She turns the other PCs into pigs
>I fail a nat 20 Sense Motive check
>I eat the pigs
>Fucking DM

>Guy in my group rolls a hunter
>Gets invited to feast with gods
>dumbass decides to hit on goddess of marriage
>Fails notice check, goes to bed with a copy
>instakilled by head god, sentenced to eternal torture
>bitches rest of session.

THAT GUY if I ever saw one

> Half-nymph
> Given invincibility
> Go to country
> Relative smuggles some princess board
> War starts
> I fight for my country
> Bored after the longest siege ever
> Giant horse made of ships, nat20 on bluff check
> Get into city, sow chaos and violence
> DM mad.
> Fucking DM bullshit kills my epic-level fighter in one hit.

>Be the greatest hero of my kingdom
>THAT GUY (playing my character's idiot brother) steals bride from angry NPC king next door
>siege happens.jpg
>Go out to fight to protect wife and kid
>Bullshit invincible half-god NPC kills me and desecrates my body
>City falls, wife and kid killed
>Take DM to task for aforementioned bullshit NPC
>DM: "He wasn't invincible, Anon. You just had to shoot him in the foot, lol!"

That's twice I've posted and someone posts the other side to the story.

>>17888224
Dude.
Oh my god, same thing happened to me.
>Roll some kickass Charop Fighter/Barbarian
>Unstoppable
>DM makes me do anything BUT fucking combat
>Succeed anyway
>Wife gives me a cloak
>LOL CURSE CLOAK OF POISON asshole
>Fail my save, rage by accident, murder family
Fucking DM

>Goddess's daughter gets kidnapped.
>Goddess goes apeshit with grief.
>Turns out my brother was the kidnapper.
>I go yell at him to give her back.
>Super diplomacy check (Which is good, because I suck at this social shit if it doesn't involve fucking bitches)
>DM: "OH TOO BAD SHE PARTOOK OF THE FRUIT OF THE DAMNED HA HA. SHE HAS TO STAY AT LEAST HALF THE YEAR NOW."
>Every fucking time.

>>17888405
Yeah. Rolled an Oracle too, with the "Blind" handicap. I go around like a boss, using my powers to help people. But DM makes a point of twisting my words, and making these people suffer by misinterpreting them. I complain to him that it robs the game of any kind of fun, so he gives me this shit-eating grin and says "now you'll have fun". Next session he gives me a cursed magic item that changes my sex to woman, and makes me engage in all kinds of his fucked up fetishes.

> I'm epic level squared.
> Among the greatest beings in the universe.
> I am also benevolent.
> Hear from an Eagle that a child was to be eaten by his father because of some prophecy.
> I raise the child, tell him about his origins.
> The child grows into an adult.
> Child defeats his father.
> And me.
> And the other Titans...

>Build super high CHA bard
>Don't do shit for fighting, talk my way out of everything
>Powergaming gets CHA into mid-50s
>"You see your face in the lake, roll a will save."
>Fail.
>I am enthralled by my own good looks

I don't think any of these things actually happened in your guys' games.

>>17888330

Doing it wrong

I mean fuck, you don't even explain how the DM fudged the sense motive roll of his NPC wife into giving him the 'totally legit' shirt soaked in the blood of that Centaur he killed ten sessions back.

So this powergamer shows up...

> Being the leader of my group who's playing a game with that guy
> He decides for shits and giggles to make a blind character throw the only thing that could instakill one of the party members right into his heart
> I'm fucking mad
> DM tells me to chill out
> DM railroads him into transforming into a female horse, fucking another horse, and getting pregnant
> He births a fucking eight-legged horse
> What the fuck
> DM gives it to me as my new ride
> I'm riding the eight-legged bastard son of That Guy for the entire campaign
> His face during all of this

>>17888549
Doh!
>>17888474 beat me to it, good sir!

>THAT GUY makes a trickster-shapeshifter type
>keeps inserting his fetishes- constantly changing gender and having sex with animals and other sick shit.

The climax of that was when he described turning into a mare, having sex with a horse, and being pregnant and giving birth to a monster horse. My character jacked that horse and took it as his own. Because fuck him.

>>17888549
Well I derped on greek myth so I just Fate/Stay Night'd it.

>World setting has this weird mythology.
>People came up straight out of the ground or some shit?
>We fail to stop the world from ending, but two of us manage to survive the massive fucking flood that takes everyone out.
>Somehow some oracle guy survives.
>The girl wastes our one question asking how to repopulate. (I mean, come on, it's kind of self-explanatory when the DM makes it so that the two survivors are one guy and one girl.)
>DM gives some bullshit riddle about throwing bones or something.
>She starts throwing a bunch of rocks.
>When the rocks hit the ground, THEY TURN INTO FUCKING SOLDIERS.
>THIS TRICK WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO KNOW ABOUT AN HOUR AGO WHEN WE WERE TRYING TO NOT DIE.
>That fucking DM.

>War is on
>GM has clearly picked a side but we don't give a fuck because we know he just wants to rail road us
>Do everything we can to help
>fucking earthquake out of no where blinds me
>still keep trying to help
>Finally get a break and warn our allies of an impending trap by the enemy
>GIANT FUCKING SNAKES SHOW UP AND KILL US

It gets worse though, apparently being killed by snakes in this fucking retarded campaign is an omen that you're lying or some shit.

Oh and he also mentioned the statues they built of us later had tiny wangs.

Never played with him again.

>Go on mad questin with my super-epic tier bros.
>Lose some guys along the way, but eventually get the quest item
>Daughter of the king of the land we're stealing from is a smokin hot piece
>Turns out she's also a witch and a ruthless killer, good thing she's in love with me
>She helps us escape, we sail off to a friendly city, gettin married and havin 2 kids along the way
>I'm forced to remarry the city's king's daughter for politics
>Crazy bitch doesn't get it, keeps pissing off royal family until she and my kids gets exiled
>She refuses my help, my money, my contacts, all because of her pride
>Tries and fails to kill me and my new bride, even though I still love her
>Gets super mad, kills my kids
>DM bullshit fiats his wiafu NPC out into a home amongst the gods

> Be inventor
>Critical success on building some maze to contain some kings monster.
>Is rewarded with impirsonment for life on some island with my son and I.
>Fuck that shit, I improvise up some wings out of bird's feathers and wax.
>Tell boy not to fly too high 'cause...fucking wax.
>Of course he does, and dies.

FML

>Play as Engineer
>Other guy is my son, due to backstory, for the lulz
>Get enslaved by some batshit king.
>Plan escape making wings out of wax and goose feathers
>Warn my buddy not to fly too close to the sun, since my INT shows I know wax melts easily.
>Day of the escape we're halfway home.
>That Guy: "I fly really high to get a better vantage point and make sure we're not being followed"
>That DM: "Your wings melt. Roll to survive the fall."
>That Guy survives.
>That DM: "Roll to try to swim."
>That Guy: Nat-FUCKING-One
>That DM: "You drown."

> Playing badass lightning and shit
> Woman
> Kiss
> chuchuchuchu
> Sex
> chuchuchuchu
> Baby
> "AW SHIT!"

EVERY. GODDAMN. TIME.

>Prince of a small city state
>Dad never came home from the War, everyone says he's dead
>Asshole nobles courting mom, won't leave
>Can't defeat them myself
>Go on quest to find dad, or failing that at least level up some
>Find nothing
>Come home, dad makes it back the same day
>Dad is Mary Sue GMPC with gods on his side, solves all the problems in a day or so, needing little to no help from me

>>17888658
>>17888667

Icarusmind.

>Playing as a bad-ass Barbarian/Fighter build in high-fantasy/low-magic setting
>Save an entire Hold from BBEG by ripping out its arm when it thinks I'm asleep
>Get mad lootz
>Turns out BBEG's mom found out. Find out BBEG's mom may or may not be Satan's wife. Mom is Pissed.
>I find her lair and get into an underwater fight in her cave.
>Fucking kill her with a sword made by God Himself.
>Become king, get mad lootz and lands.
>Years later, a pussy dragon hides out in a cave and torments a nearby village.
>I lol and go fight it even though I'm pushing 60.
>Suddenly, all of my team save for a teenager abandons me.
>Fight Dragon, kill it, when I'm at 0hp.
>That DM says: "You die from your wounds."
>Killed by pussy dragon after killing Satan's wife and her son and becoming king of everything.

Is there some module out there we don't know about? These all seem to be pretty similar.

>go fishing
>roll really well
>catch archenemy prophesied to kill you in the final battle between good and evil
>epic struggle ensues
>roll godly
>hell fucking yes
>"The guy you're on the boat with gets scared and cuts the line."

That fucking DM.

So Zeus was the kind of DM with the DMPC that was a stu that banged everyone

>be loyal servant to king
>GM railroads me with prophecies that are ALWAYS RIGHT and a sexy wife I can't say no to
>apparently I'll be king
>well then
>kill king, take throne, profit
>GM's 100% RELIABLE, NO BULLSHIT prediction tells me no man born of woman can harm me
>I know how this works, I've read LotR
>no fucking woman's coming near me, even in disguise
>dude stabs me
>wat
>GM trollfac'd
>caesarean section

mfw

> Playing a mage of light
> That Guy and general asshole decides to be a mage of death
> He fucking hates me and is jealous of how I actually know how to play the game
> Sneaks up on me and murders me
> Not only does he murder me, he cuts up my body into little pieces and mummifies them
> My girlfriend, who's playing my character's wife, says that her character is pregnant with mine
> Use him to reroll as another light mage
> DM takes pity and makes my old character ascend to the position of "god of the dead"
> That Guy tries to molest my character and takes out my eye
> I castrate him
> HFW

>>17888745

Nice, let's change it up a little!

>Playing Epic Level Campaign as archer.
>Too many goddamned suns! The world is ablaze!
>Me: I take out my bow and shoot nine of the suns?
>DM: You leave one sun left, the world is safe!
>Me: Um...cool, I guess?

I can't decide if he's that DM, or a made genius.

>>17888751

Mazes and Minotaurs. Look it up.

>awesome ruler of a city and military captain
>join battle against another city because they stole the king's waifu or whatever
>go on long war, find really sweet girl among captives
>start trying to woo her
>fucking king takes her as "his spoils"
>ragequit
>DM starts rolling behind screen
>ohboyherewego.jpg
>my best bro in the whole world takes my armor and impersonates me
>he gets fucking killed
I'm going to run this guy's fucking game into the ground starting next week.

>>17888811

>*Mad genius

>Go to evil lair to kill beast that eats people in a confusing maze
>Fathers tells me to put up a black sail if I die and a white sail if I win
>Hot chick falls for me, gives me thread to help me find my way back
>Kill beast, go home
>Forget to put up white sails
>Emo father jumps off cliff

>>17888774
Forgot the part where your wife gathers all your mummified pieces, but your penis was carried off down the Nile, so she has to make one out of clay.

I prefer Japan's descent into the underworld story. Nearly identical, except Izanagi is horrified by Izanami's still-rotten and burned form [she died giving birth to the fire god] and rejects her. Luckily for him, she turns out to have gone Lawful Evil in the interim anyway...
He then puts a rock in front of the entrance to the underworld, because you know, that's a foolproof way to stop a vengeful undead goddess.

>be a lv20 giant
>fight a low level skinny human
>he pulls some cleric domain power out of his ass
>kicks my ass with a sling
fuck this piece of shit game

>>17888771
Oh, Macbeth...

>Playing low-combat/high-politics thread over IRC.
>I play an ex-con.
>Other players are That Guy, playing a steward, his gf, playing a widowed Duchess, and another guy, playing her brother.
>Cardinal (GM) hints that the duchess is getting it on with the steward, pays me to spy.
>Find out steward and duchess get married illicitly.
>Tell her brother, guy flips shit and tells me to arrest them.
>Turns out they exiled themselves a while ago.
>Chase them down across halfway across the continent and arrest them.
>Cardinal orders me to kill her.
>Players flip shit.
>I go through with it.
>Steward plots revenge as I act distraught.
>Cardinal lols away as Duchess's brother slowly goes insane due to mysterious reasons (he may or may not have wished to bone her)
>Decide to kill Cardinal
>Steward decides to kill Cardinal
>Go into dark room, fail a Perception test, but stab the Cardinal anyways
>That DM lols: "No, you stabbed the Steward."
>Players flip out again.
>Chase down the Cardinal as alarms go off.
>Fight the Cardinal in single combat when the Duchess' brother shows up, thinks he's a werewolf.
>Stab Cardinal, get stabbed by werewolf, stab werewolf, we all die.

Turns out our DM just hates Italians and we all left that IRC room dazed and confused.

>>17888774
Fear not at all; fear neither men nor Fates, nor gods, nor anything. Money fear not, nor laughter of the folk folly, nor any other power in heaven or upon the earth or under the earth. Nu is your refuge as Hadit your light; and I am the strength, force, vigour, of your arms.

>Roll Smarmy bard like character who is a prince
>Friend rolls my characters tough fighter brother
>DM: LOL FROST GIANTS
>Brother kicks the shit out of them but they knock a hole in the wall of the city.
>NPC shows up and says that he'll fix it for the sun the moon and the hand of one of the hottest bitches in the city
>DMPC Dad is like the smartest dude in the world and is telling the guy what he wants is too much
>Tell DadM to tell him okay but only if he can do it in four weeks
>Mother fucker's about to get it done but his horse has been doing most of the work
>I trick the horse into following me into the woods with magic
>DM says I turned into a mare and seduced the dude's horse and I'm like 'what.'
>Futhermore dude turns out to be a Frost Giant and Brother kills him with his magic hammer
>Later on my character gives birth to an eight legged rainbow horse
>DM shoehorned more weird pregnancy shit when I had sex with a frost giant chick when she gave birth to a HUGE wolf, the Goddess of the Underworld and a snake that encircles the earth

>make pimp super strong paladin with long hair
>DM decides that hair is source of strength
>whatever.jpg
>adventure around, killing fools and mackin bitches
>settling down to retire the character, married
>GM asks "what is the source of your strength"
>you said it was my hair bro
>you fall lolololol your god gave you the strength and he's mad now
>get tortured, eyes put out and chained up
>tell the GM I want to collapse the building
>no you're weak now
>let me roll at least asshole
>NAT FUCKING TWENTY
>FUCK ALL THE BITCHES

>play a king
>decide to go chop trees because why the fuck not, I'm a king
>apparently the tree I chopped had a dryad in it
>DM makes me roll SAN check
>I suddenly have this insatiable hunger
>end up eating my own limbs

Fucking DMs.

>Minmax everything, gain Resistance to all weapons and elements
>Never abuse the power, all the NPCs and other PCs love me
>Except for THAT GUY
>Get drunk, have usual 'break weapons against me' drinking game
>THAT GUY tells an old blind NPC to throw a stick at me
>Die instantly, no rolls, no save
>"WTF DM? He killed me with a twig? What happened to my resistances?"
>DM: you're only resistant to weapons and elements and magic stuff, that was just a twig."

BULLSHIT

>>17888811
>be wife of another PC, an epic level archer
>campaign is boring as hell, stuck at home while he does all kinds of mad shit
>don't want to disrupt game, keep waiting
>archer gets immortality potion, brings it home
>finally think we can go on adventure
>he has to leave again
>beginning to think GM is misogynist That Guy
>sit through a couple more sessions
>fuck it
>swallow potion
>ascend to fucking moon

>roll four highschool girls all with maxed charisma
>spend every session performing about chocolate bread or pop-culture references
>make more money than exploring dungeons
and it was some of the best DM sessions I've ever had

> Everyone else out of town.
> DM tells me he has this awesome idea for a one shot for me and my brother.
> We both roll up commoners with a few skills in engineering, but otherwise just a normal guy.
> Find out I have 1 HP
> DM gives me a amulet that gives me 1 more HP and +1 to strength
> 2nd enemy in the whole game hits me and I drop it!
> Stupid armored lizard men can still attack after I've killed them
> All the plants are deadly and try to attack
> DM gives me some stupid wand of fire shaped like a daffodil
> Kill BBEG 5 times and he kept coming back
> NPC says I have to go ind his other castle and fight him again
> I walked away after the 7th time...

>>17888946
come over here so I can brofist you

>Be a level 6 bard
>Party gets ahold of ale made with crystals containing arcane energy
>Party drinks some at night after setting up camp
>Whole group has intense visions, granting small permenant stat bonuses
>Apparently, I stare into campfire all night
>Wake up next morning face first in the campfire
>"You receive a permenant burn to your face, -2 charisma, cannot be healed"

>mfw my best stat is permenantly reduced for no good reason

>playing a noble/fighter
>game is pretty realistic atm
>new guy joins
>HI MY CHARACTER IS A HALF-DEMON WIZARD BUT HE WAS BAPTIZED LISTEN TO ME I'M WISE AND SHIT
>we all get bent ut of shape by this
>the GM just had me go some lake to get a magic sword from some weird water goddess

And I found last session that I had slept with my half-sister while she was under a disguise spell.

>be a trainee carpenter
>chopping wood, making stuff, not giving a fuck
>three sessions in, GM suddenly gives huge speech
>apparently I've suddenly gone up 20 levels and got all these superpowers
>huh, worst railroading ever, but kinda cool I guess
>...and I've got to get myself executed
>motherfucker whatnow?
>GM brings out entire fucking TOME of backstory I'd never heard of

...last time I play with Jews, I swear.

>Wild West campaign
>Play terminally ill gunfighter
>Spend entire campaign picking fights way outside my weightclass
>Win them all
>My character's only stated goal was to die fighting "with his boots on"
>Die in bed
>My feet when

First fucking time being high-level worked against me.

>>17889067

I was in that campaign too.

I swear, that fuckin' DM, All my guy wanted to do was keep the peice, hang out with his brothers and maybe make some cash on the side gambling..

>>17889092
At least the bro-tier friendship was great.
How'd you like your part of the epilogue?

>Deciede let my players try some home brewed Nobilis
>They are excited to try playing gods
>All they ever do is rape people and/or condemn them to eternal torture

> Prince of a shit country
> The bro-est of bros is the King of it, and the Queen is a slut IRL
> They were dating, but broke up because of how big of a slut she is
> King's brother/THAT GUY starts fucking the slut Queen
> Decides to impress her by killing the king and marrying her right afterwards
> DM decided that since it was an assassination, he wouldn't tell anyone about it
> I eventually found out when DM lets the King come back as a ghost and tell me what happened
> I decide to get revenge, because seriously the King was an awesome dude
> Other players in the game include my girlfriend in the game and in life, a kissass to That Guy who ended up as her father, a really good roleplayer who ended up as the son of the kissass, another bro, and two moderately cool people
> These guys are important
> The two cool people try to cheer my character up because of my Dad's death
> I can tell the King sent them so I don't tell them shit
> I talk with my Bro and talk about killing the king
> For some fucking reason I don't involve him
> Ask if I can put on a play in game about what happened to the king to see if That Guy reacts
> GM laughs and asks me to roll intimidate
> Natural 20
> That Guy's character gets paranoid and leaves, and he's glaring at me
> He mad
> He tells the brown nose to kill me
> He agrees IC because my character is getting more deranged because of the murder plot and OOC because he's a little bitch
> I beat him in initiative
> Stab him before he can stab me
> Hide his body behind a curtain
> That guy freaks out and tells me to go to another country for diplomacy with the two guys
> I find out that he's also sending a letter to the other country's king asking him to kill me

>Play an epic cowboy combat monster.
>On epic quest solo with my bro DM.
>DM finds some guys for the party.
>He promises it'll all end okay for me, and I'll still get the epic story ending I wanted. He just needs more to work with than just me.
>I have to do some crazy magic bullshit with magic portal doors to pull them through.
>They're all total nubs, and start at level 1.
>I train them as best I can.
>We stomp shit across several planes, including the plane they came from.
>Two of the other three players start a romance side quest.
>The girl gets hit with some sort of crazy prophecy pregnancy thing. (And somehow the kid is mine? What is this I don't even.)
>The fourth guy is a little kid who is a reincarnation of an NPC from before. He is a TOTAL FUCKING BRO, though. Tread him like my son.
>We get separated.
>We meet back up. Lead glorious charge against BBEG's doomsday camp.
>Romance guy gets headshot. Dies.
>Emo bullshit.
>Brokid gets hit by a car. Dies.
>More emo bullshit.
>DM gives the girl a way out of the whole thing into an alternate reality where brokid and romance guy are alive.
>She leaves.
>Just bro DM and me again.
>I get attacked by that girl's evil spider kid (No, really, what the fuck.)
>Realize that I really kind of miss those losers.
>Get to the end of the road.
>Get big epic ending.
>DM: You want to know what happens next?
>Me: Yeah, sure.
>DM: No, you really don't.
>Me: Just fucking tell me.
>He tells this epic story where everything comes together, all the plot holes get tied up, all the loose ends filled in. And right before the satisfying climax to all this build up
>LOL YOU WAKE UP IN CAMP. YOU'RE BACK AT THE BEGINNING AGAIN.
>YOU DON'T REMEMBER SHIT.
>WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN.

>Roll artificer
>Start in small mining town, lived there all my life.
>Nearly entire town works in mine while I work and study to better my art
>Begin a relationship with a fellow PC, she also works in the mine
>Mine mortality rates start to increase as demand for ores skyrocket
>Enlist help of fellow PC artificer to create golems and various tools to help them mine safer and more efficiently
>Other PC wants to use our tools as leverap-

Nope, can't do it, way too obvious.

>playing high level cleric
>im apprentice to this epic level cleric who can do all this cool shit
>he runs around all day casting true resurrection on people even though the DM said nobody's supposed to be able to do that
>I kind of get pushed to the sidelines, but I'm still awesome, so whatever
>one day DM decides my mentor got too powerful
>he decides the character gets whisked away by a golden chariot, DAOOTS, no saves
>the group flips it's shit
>DM pulls a huge troll face
>I'm feeling pretty down, wandering around trying my best to fill the other cleric's place
>I'm not doing it as good as him
>one day a bunch of punkass kids show up and make fun of my hair
>call my character names like "baldy" and "bald-head"
>this is the last fucking straw, I get super fucking mad
>I grab the dice and tell the DM i'm summoning some bears
>he says that's not in my spell list or in my god's domains, I tell him i don't care i'm rolling to summon some bears
>i roll
>nat 20
>roll to confirm
>nat 20
>the DM looks bewildered and just says "ok, fine, I guess you summoned a bunch of bears"
>BEARS EVERYWHERE
>kill 42 of the asshole kids in combat
>nobody in my party ever fucks with me again, even the DM

>>17889201
> Change the letter so that the guys with me are the ones that get killed
> Come back
> Girlfriend apparently killed herself in the game due to rolling nat ones on sanity checks
> Roleplayer looking for revenge, decides to poison his sword
> That Guy wants to poison everything but GM stops him
> Suddenly fighting match
> Dumbass whore Queen drinks poison wine that That Guy forgot to tell her about
> She's yelling at him
> I get cut and poisoned, but not killed
> I beat the roleplayer
> He tells me that everything's poisoned
> I take his sword and stab That Guy
> I'm still not dead yet
> I pour the rest of the poisoned wine down That Guy's throat
> Everyone is just staring at this point
> I bequeath the throne to some other fucking prince because really I don't give a shit anymore
> I convince my bro to not kill his character so that the story of what happened can live on
> My bro is literally the only person left alive in the group
> We all decide to stop playing this game and switch to a new system

That was the fucking craziest game I've ever played

>>17889249
>Everyone is just staring at this point
I love how accurately that describes the ending.

>D20 Modern
>Roll up monstrously huge brawler type, max intimidate
>Spend multiple games building up infamy, nobody fucks with me at all
>Hanging out in chicago one day in my favorite bar on the south side
>Fucking stunner of a lady walks in, hauling some nerdy weakling along with her.
>Mack on her like there's no tomorrow
>Nerdy fuck taps me on the shoulder
>I turn around, he decks me with a called shot to the face
>double 20s, max damage
>my character drops from too much damage taken at once
>little nerdy shit takes a couple more rounds to kick my face in
>Permanently disfigured

>Fighter kidnaped by orcs
>Best friend comes to save me
>DM makes me roll for perception
>I kill my best friend

I spent the rest of the campaign taking sanity checks to stop from going berserk until the DM tricked me into sleepign with my sister.

I suspect some of the anons in this spectacular thread already know this, but:

http://bettermyths.com/

All the myths you could ever need, with added fucks. It's hilariducational.

>This thread

I don't normally go past page 0, but I always make an exception for /tg/.

It's days like this that I love /tg/.

Well done, elegan/tg/entlemen. Well done.

must... keep... posting...
thread... must... live on...!

>That Guy is given money to commission magical items from the dwarfs
>he decides to keep the money for himself and challenge the dwarfs to a forging contest for his head('s weight in gold)
>oh boy, here we go
>he loses the wager, despite sabotaging the dwarfs work
>pissed ff dwarfs attempts to abuse the phrasing of the wager to collect his actual head
>That Guy turns it against them using a loophole
>the dwarfs settle for sewing his lips shut
>permanent charisma penalty and telltale scars stay with That Guy's character even in his shapeshifted forms
>my character ends up with an awesome hammer

Everything ended up better than expected.

Worth archiving?

>>17890246
Hell yeah! I think foolz does it automatically

>Roll a kick ass fighter
>Swim check across an OCEAN
>NAT 20
>Roll up into long house, king bitching about monster eating his men.
>Wait for monster to show up, grapple
>NAT 20
>Rip his arm off and drape it over rafters
>Go kill monster's mom.
>Later in life as a geezer, go to fight dragon.
>NPC "Hurr durr I hold shield!"
>I die from dragon fire as an old-ass man.

Fucking DM bringing his fetishes into the game. Swans? 'Showers of golden rain'?
Thinly veiled watersports was just the last straw.

>>17890428

Ugh, I think we have the same DM. That goddamn DMNPC married his own sister you know.

>Me: So that New goddess just popped out of her head like an overipe mellon? Fully grown?
>DM: Yup
>Me: All of my 'whut'

>>17890299
>>17890246

Added it to the sup/tg/ archive

>>17890332
Okay Beowulf, go back to sleep you old coot.

>>17888224
But Achilles wasn't invulnerable.

>>17890629
Yes he was, he got dipped in then river Styx. All but his ankle.

Greek mythology.

Winning.

>about to kill final villain of really long quest
>Gm: You must roll 20 to kill him
>I roll
>I get the 20
>i kill villain
>GM gets pissed and storms off because I ruined his entire campaign
>mfw

>be playing grimdero campaign
>that guy is trying to be good, playing some mary sure "he's half angel derp"
>me and brother break out of house, no fucks, dad starts falling apart
>sends derptastic half angel with fucked up face
>somehow catches brother who's masquerading as a referee at a b-ball game and fucking with it
>frame him for a murder in bank
>he gets price on head
>everyone is going after him
>he escapes
>nofucksgiven.jpeg
>he gets hit by train, goes to hell
>comes back to find me, dm puts his half angel shit actually in there
>comes after me while I do ritual to create hell on earth
>turn into bat
>he summons ozzy osbourne(wtf???) who one shots me, no rolls
>dm and thatb guy laughing at me

what the fuck. I also got shoved up hitler's ass.

>>17890840
And he died, shot in the ankle.

>Make an awesome barbarian/fighter.
>First session end up defending myself against a huge fucking dog.
>Dog is out because fucktard owner forgot I was still outside.
>It's his prize guard dog.
>Decide to be the better man, and offer to guard him in the dog's stead until he can get another one.
>DM decides 'because of this, you can't eat dog meat'.
>Whatever, like that's going to come up.
>Also get cool new name.
>Hear that a day is auspicious for taking up arms.
>Go take up arms.
>Find out that we've only been playing little kids.
>Fuck it, I killed the dog, I'll be an awesome guy.
>Run off and fuck up some enemies who boasted they'd killed tons of my people.
>Learn more about battle from cool old lady warrior.
>Meet up with bro player.
>Old lady warrior's biggest enemy comes, and she gives me a sleeping potion.
>Save like a boss, only sleep for an hour
>Kick enemy's ass with a well timed distraction, offer to spare her if she stops attacking my teacher and bears me a son.
>Go off and marry the girl I want by taking her from her dick of a dad.

cont

>Go on a quest
>Kill a fucking dragon all by myself
>Bathe in his blood
>Become invulnerable
>Badass!
>Later
>Stabbed in the back
>Die
>LOL A LEAF FELL ON YOUR BACK WHEN YOU BATHED SO THAT SPOT WAS NOT IMPERVIOUS

>Ankle
I do believe you mean knee, good sir.

>>17891045

>Random intruder in my house, so I kill him.
>DM trollfaces and tells me it's my kid.
>Do some other shit, save foreigners, generally be badass.
>Swans come up while I'm hunting.
>Hit one with a sling
>Oh shit it's one of people I saved.
>Suck stone from her side.
>She wants to marry me, but DM says bullshit about 'you tasted her blood, can't marry her'.
>Marry her to my bro.
>Find out by this point my DM has saddled me with another geas.
>Can't refuse hospitality
>No problem there.
>Fighting against the queen of fucking fairies
>Winning.
>Beautiful young woman shows up, says she's daughter of a king, offers herself to me.
>"No, thanks."
>Turns out to be fucking warrior goddess.
>Tries to kill me by shapeshifting, catch her each time.
>Run into her a fourth time, a wounded old cowmaid
>Apparently drinking the milk will heal her.
>Decide to be awesome once more.
>Later on, wounded in fight.
>Sun god tells me I'm his kid.
>Do lots of other cool shit, get all the ladies.
>Finally, I know something is up.
>DM is trying to hold in his trollface.
>Big battle coming up.
>Old lady offers me meat.
>Hospitality, can't refuse.
>DM's trollface comes out.
>"It's dogmeat."
>All my rolls are penalized, I get killed with bullshit spears.

>>17890840
Nope. Go read the fucking Iliad, champ. Achilles was not invulnerable.

>be in a massive campaign.
>everybody has to write actual backstory and make characters while separate from each other.
>end up with three healers, two rogues, and a bard.
>mfw we have no fighters or anything.
>DM's face when.
>fuckitjustgo.jpg.
>consistently fail every single roll required, except for finding gemstones.
>end up in dungeon, alone. Fucking dungeon.
>cannot roll high enough to escape cell.
>suddenly, DMPC pig arrives with key and letter.
>mfw.
>simply walk out.
>dm rolls for encounters.
>epic level swarms of beholders, krakens, skeletons, and vampires.
>fuck this shit, fuck.
>DM pulls black hole out of his ass. Literally.
>find shapeshifting psychic power god of earth and life itself in there.
>can now change into epic level paladin/black guard at will.
>mfw.
>+60 holy avenger. Hadokens.
>beat beholder horde.
>later, fight incan god of fire in temple ruins for great justice.

And that was just the first session.

>>17891402
Oh fuck you man! Now my weekend's shot cause I have to replay this!

>>17891402
I only remember that fucking vampire couple.

>>17891541
What is it?

Also guys, that Hamlet one was genius. I love you all.

>>17891541
>>17891402

>get back into it.
>DM railroads us onto a raft.
>in the middle of the ocean.
>I cannot be the badass knight.
>fail every diplomacy test, and charisma roll.
>princess PC's player keeps laughing at my shitty rolls over the next 31 turns.
>DM summons sharks to surround the boat.
>rules this brings us together.
>later, railroaded into ancient ruins.
>surprise! they were ancient alien ruins!.
>says 'fuck it,' makes me solve insanely easy puzzle to escape when we poke fun at the ancient alien ruins.
>failure triggers the alien ruins to rise into the air, and forces encounter checks.
>DM rolls epic enemy encounters again.
>MORPHIN' TIME!
>effortlessly kill all the enemies.
>DM spawns invincible enemies.
>use loophole to kill them with terrain.
>DM's face when.
>suddenly, I have to fight an aztec bird god with a pharaoh's head, shooting razor feathers from its ass.
>mfw
>mfw i win.
>mfw I have to roll dex to jump from the falling ancient alien ruins onto the other PCs' airplane below.
>mfw i get natural 20.

>>17891639
Illusion of Gaia/Time, depending on whether you're in europe or not.

This is the best fucking thread I've seen on /tg/ in a long time.

>>17891402
>DM pulls black hole out of his ass. Literally.
Let this be a lesson to you: things tend to get weird when you game with someone suffering from rectal singularity.

>>17888648
>Play Sorceress princess with semi-divine template
>Join campaign late, have to be shoehorned in
>daughter of foreign king when the Party (led by THAT GUY) appears
>Dipshits are combat-optimized but incapable of handling and magical threats
>THAT GUY is charged by the king to obtain treasure from BS OP dragon
>Give THAT GUY items to bypass dragon & get treasure
>Session ends when THAT GUY decides he likes me so our characters marry
>MITE B COOL
>Kill THAT GUY'S evil father
>Am banished from the city because LOL DM IS DICK
>Next session I find out DM made me have two fucking brats by THAT GUY offscreen
>WUT?
>THAT GUY equally disgusted
>decides to fuck city's princess and have me banished because HURR DURR MAGIC IS EVUL! WUT A WIMMINS NOT STAY AT HOME
>Go "fuck this shit"
>Roll roll nat 20 for diplomacy on visiting dignitary
>Fuck yes, access to resources
>Craft up magic items
>use brat NPC kids to deliver to THAT GUY's new Waifu
>Trololololol magic poison!
>Invoke Divine Lineage feat to Summon epic mount
>THAT GUY loses his shit, complains at me, telling me I should stop and 'play according to the rules'
>I look at DM, and that guy
>My face

>Make a new character for a solo game.
>NPC is smitten with some girl.
>I recognize as an expy of a girl GM's got a crush on.
>Say 'Sure thing, I just need your mount and epic magic sword.'
>GM looks at me oddly, but I keep a poker face.
>Go back and forth, and basically act as a RL Cyrano de Bergerac for GM.
>Get GM girl, get GMPC girl, get magic sword and epic horse.
>Find out that this GMPC is a PC in another game, and I was being scouted for it.
>mfw when I realize I got epic gear that the PC will want when I come into the game.

>>17893483
>>17890900
>>17889194
I hate it when people don't read a thread...

>>17893582

I am sorry you are unfamiliar with Skirnir.

>High level NPC crafts Pretty Cool Stuff.
>Playing NG.
>Fuck Your Copyright Shit.
>Steal it, put it in public domain.
>That DM says: Gods hate you now. You're chained to a rock for all eternity and every day an eagle eats your liver.
>My party doesn't care. I don't even get to fight back.

>>17891402
I read that image name as "Freudian statue". No joke.

>>17889419
Oh man, that reminds me of a d20 Modern game I was in...

>Criminal campaign, set in Chicago
>Play a low-int, high-str bruiser
>Put some skill points into profession: pool hustler (for flavor)
>DM makes fun of me for taking a "useless skill"
>tries to have us work for some dickhead NPC of his
>My dude has none of that, punches him into submission
>Get acclaimed party leader
>Spend several sessions taking no shit whatsoever, building up a badass reputation
>Party winds up in Alabama for some reason
>DM decides to dick us over and leave us stranded with no money or equipment until we agree to work for another NPC of his
>I proceed to critically hustle folks at pool until we get enough money to buy some equipment and bust out of there
>DM is fuming that I won't work for his dumb NPCs
>Next session, we're back home
>DM stats out some heinous charop knife-fighter NPC and fucking ambushes my character with him during party downtime
>I get my shit wrecked, die
>Get told "That's what you get for hustling strangers"
>MFW

>be high lvl paladin
>riding around on horse, minding my own shit
>hard winter can´t fuck me because of magic cloak
>meet naked man, halfway frozen
>use sword to split cloak of resistance +5 into two halfs to share it, ruining it in the process because of LOL PALADIN CODE OF HONOR
>become legend
>townsfolk want me as their bishop
>I don´t wants to be bishop
>GM blackmails me: "you can´t deny without falling."
>I have to retire the character

fucking railroading bastard!

>>17893993
And then your character went to join a church, and renounce all criminal behaviour?

Sounds like a case of a rail-roading DM wanting to control the PCs.

>>17897029

Good King Wenceslas? No...

> Be a LG knight, dubbed by the King and all.
> Stand up for my lover, even if I lose the battles.
> I slay invaders.
> Fight giants.
> I am a gallant (but slightly violent) knight who believes in his cause.
> DM tells me I'm actually schizophrenic, I imagined it all.

Cunt.

>>17898102
>Dream the impossible dream
>Fight the unbeatable foe
>Bear with unbearable sorrow
>Run where the brave dare not go

>>17898045
no

>>17898123
Actually it's Don Quixote.

>>17898184
Related enough.

>>17898184
Man of La Mancha is Don Quixote


anyway:
>roll up NG fighter
>I'm a knight in the bro-tier king's high court
>a challenger approaches
>guy shows up and challenges king to contest of strength
>cusses out the king
>I get pissed
>I accept in place of king
>challenge is I try to cut dude's head off with an ax
>lop his head clean off
>he keeps talking anyway
>says that the other part of the challenge is that I go find him and he'll return the favor
>go questing
>NPC trys to seduce me three times while her husband is out
>resist like a god
>lady gives me her scarf, says it'll protect me
>refuse her, take scarf, like a boss
>go looking for the challenger,
>says we'll get the rest of the challenge over with
>let him take a swing
>he fakes me out twice then trys to chop my head off
>ax bounces off scarf
>he reveals that he's the husband
>he says that the fake outs are for resisting his wife, but he hit me for taking the scarf
>good rollplaying opportunity
>get to keep scarf
>go back home
>everythings fine

>....
>still have killer bruise

>one-on-one game, D20 Modern
>Smart Hero, made him a Russian
>also he writes books
>also he has a gambling problem
>write bitchin' books about justice
>gambling problem actually uses all my money, start getting in debt with the wrong people
>take out loans to pay debts
>that wasn't a good idea, now I'm in debt to even shadier people
>TAKE OUT LOANS TO PAY LOANS
>debtors show up at my house
>DM says they force me to drink vodka till I die
>"Pfffft, I'm Russian. I'll drink that shit and get stronger because of it."
>Fort saves to resist alcohol poisoning
>nat 20, nat 20, nat 20, nat 20, nat 20, nat 20, nat 20, nat 20, nat 20, NAT FUCKING 1

>>17888456
His invincibility is a later addition. The Illiad is even more rage inducing:

>Hector steals Achilles' armour.
>The gods respond by giving Achilles armour forged by Hephaestus himself.

>The final fight between the two,
> Hector had planned to throw one spear to get Achilles' shield out of the way and finish off with a second one
>Gives his second spear to his brother to hold
>Throws spear
>Destroys Achilles shield
>Reaches out to get his second spear
>It wasn't his brother he'd given it to, it was motherfucking Athena shapeshifted into his brother
>She's thrown it away
>Alone, unarmed, utterly outclassed and Achilles knows the weak points of his armour.