“You have got to be squidding me…”

A whole squid, pan fried. Why.

“What? I thought this was supposed to be some kind of human delicacy…” Ailia murmurs, looking quite embarrassed.

“Have you ever, ah… Cooked, before?” You ask after several tense seconds of staring at the still quite raw sea food.

“Well, not anything like this.” Ailia admits.

Did a tentacle just twitch? Or are you seeing things?

Ailia doesn’t seem to notice your trepidation at eating this thing. In fact, she presses close, eyes fixated on you. You know she wants you to eat that. You know she’ll be downright devastated if you don’t.

1d20 for “Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it”


>Big thanks to the anon who made the mini, its damn impressive work. I'm interested to know if you've fielded it in a friendly game

Yes! I'm in time for this!

Haven't fielded it yet, plan to on Friday. And I'm glad you like it papa-n.

rolled 19 = 19

EMPRAH PRAISE MY ROLLS

>>17762164
are you planning on just using it as a grey knight or fielding it with the stats listed on 1d4chan?

Damnit. I have to take off in about half an hour. Just remember Papa, my vote goes to the Nuns with Guns, no matter what.

Far fuckin' out, man.

Maybe we're lucking and it's an Eatin' Squig?

>>17762175
Well, now I expect the rest of this thread to be nat 1's now.

>>17762216
Indeed.

>>17762175
Fear not Brothers, I shall bring the Emprah's grace and bestow it upon your rolls.

With no small amount of panic, you pick up a two pronged tau fork and slowly cut off a tentacle. By the Emprah they are wiggly...

The tau girl leans in close to watch you eat as you raise it to your mouth.

"Welp..." You take a bite.

Chew once.

Hey, it surprisingly isn't that bad. You were expecting some kind of horrible tentacle throat rape, but instead you've found delicious seafood.

"Well?" Ailia asks, looking fairly anxious.

"Its actually pretty good." You reach back out for more. After several minutes, you've had about all of it you can eat though.

With a satisfied groan, you push yourself back from the table. Another long yawn, and you walk back over to the bed and flop down.

"You can't go back to sleep, Kais is waiting for you, said its important." Ailia grabs your arm, attempting to pull you back up. You act like you have already passed out, and she can barely get you to budge.

"Come oooonnnnnn! Kais will be mad at me if I get you there late!" She grunts, putting her full force behind a tug, which is still not enough to drag you off the sheets.

You let it go on for a good solid minute or two before relenting. Still yawning, you let her help you into the armor. Before leaving the humble dwelling, you snatch up your axe from its resting place against a chair.

"Where are we headed, exactly?" You mumble, rubbing tiredly at your eyes.

"To go see Kais, duh."

Unable to argue with such sound logic, you just let her lead you along. After a few minutes of walking, she stops you outside a rather large and imposing tent.

"Now remember, be professional." She brushes some unseen dust off of your armor, looks you over, and must like what she sees because she pushes you through the tent opening.

>>17762266
Why aren't we hauling back into again?
There is probably not blueberry pie out there.
Why we do this?
(channeling some day-off groggy-and-horny for Max)

>MFW Heretical Love and that I got out early from school with no homework

>>17762274
*hauling her back into bed again.
Derp.

nice made it on time

Papa-N, I'm a dude...yet I want to carry your child for the awesomeness that is Heretical Love

IT BEGINS

>>17762184
I plan to use max as Count As: Commissar for my guard army this time.

Welp. This is going to go great:

Second Hand Lions playing on my right monitor,
Heretical Love on my left.
Astrophysics homework in my lap.

College, gotta love it.

Professional...

You step inside, and immediately wish you hadn't.

Several dozen pairs of eyes are already staring at you, and several dozen more turn to you as the Ethereals give you quite ponderous looks.

"Is this the one, Shas'O?" A regal looking Ethereal asks, tilting his head to get a better look at you. Now that you look back at him, you realize none of the Ethereals are actually here, each represented by a hologram.

"It is, the chosen of their Emperor." Kais nods, absent his armor.

"Well I wouldn't go that far..." You add modestly.

"So the Imperium wishes for peace at last, does it?" Another Ethereal asks from the back of the group, standing so his hologram stands above the others.

"The Emprah is tired of this drawn out conflict, he wants it to be done with." You nod.

"And why, pray tell Guardsma... Asta... Human. Why would the Tau believe such an offer?"

"I... Ah... Hmm..." To tell the truth, you hadn't expected any kind of difficulty. Though now that you think about it, such tricks aren't beneath some of the less by-the-book troops. Though you doubt the codex astartes supports such actions.

"And your chaos gods, do they truly strive for peace? How are we to believe such a thing, when all they have ever brought to the Tau is war?" The grey prune asks.

[ ] The Emprah's having a half chaos babby with Tzeentch, your question is invalid.

[ ] Again, everyone is tired of fighting. Peace for the greater good.

[ ] We can worry about the global picture later, for now just help us against Malal.

>>17762389
[X] Again, everyone is tired of fighting. Peace for the greater good.

>>17762389
[ X] The Emprah's having a half chaos babby with Tzeentch, your question is invalid.
PEACE FOR THE BABBY GOD!

[X] Again, everyone is tired of fighting. Peace for the greater good.

I like boring answers. Also, uh....I guess it's true?

>>17762344
>behind on all of my homework
>living on ~3-4 hours of sleep a night
>scheduled for 40 hours of work this week
>I know exactly how you feel

But hey, at least the UPS guy just dropped off the Adonis Jot I ordered. Holy fuck this thing is leaps and bounds ahead of the Wacom stylus.

>>17762337
Nice.

[x] The Emprah's having a half chaos babby with Tzeentch, your question is invalid.
doesn't a whole bunch of crazy shit happen when a god is born or was that just slaneesh

>>17762389
(x) Malak is the problem here

Peace for the Greater Good I guess, for everyone is tired of war.

>trolltastic: "EMPRAH and Tzeentchy is having a babby.

[ ] Again, everyone is tired of fighting. Peace for the greater good.

with the addendum: you can put more effort into societal projects, helping your people, instead of constant war. constant death. All the resources thrown away taking back planets that just get lost again soon after, all that manpower can be dedicated to peaceful purposes. Think of the prosperity peace will bring. You can spread your message of Good to more worlds with [insert tau version of honey] than with riflefire.

>>17762406
It's been that kind of week.
I just got fired, and my heat's getting shut off tomorrow.
Smoke'em if you gott'em.

>>17762389

>[X] We can worry about the global picture later, for now just help us against Malal.


give them a common enemy and they will unite.

give them sweet words and they will just doubt you

>>17762389

>[ ] The Emprah's having a half chaos babby with Tzeentch, your question is invalid.
Addendum: Chaos is our bitch, so they do what we tell them, your arguement is invalid.

>>17762102
i just got fired too, that sucks but the clincher is i just took out a loan on a car the week before
at least there's heretical love

>>17762428
True.

Ignore my earlier statement, Malal is the issue and Abaddon on nightmare-fuel.

>>17762421

What state you in? I know in some it's illegal to shut off heat during winter months and the gas company just has to deal with it and wait until it warms up.

In others, the state will help with heating costs if you are low income/unemployed. It beats freezing.

>>17762445
Oh yeah, I'm making calls about financial assistance and such. Usually there's none left, but it's the top of month so maybe I'll have luck.
Oregon, btw. I've had the gas (natural variety) cut off before so I'm not in a Right To Heat state. It's not insensible, because it doesn't get _that_ cold around here, but still...

>>17762440
Now that's some shit. If it's only been that long, your loan company might be willing to negotiate based on your inability to actually send them their precious dollars. Good luck regardless, Anon.

>>17762476
thanks you too

"Again, everyone is tired of fighting. Peace for the greater good. Isn't that your saying? What good is more war at this point?" You are fully awake now, and quite alert.

Many Ethereals look around to each other, and you hear faint whispering. Some just sit in silence, stroking their chins as they stare at you. It must seem quite bizarre to them, and when you think about how you look, it really is.

"And how do we know that Chaos is truly going to stick to their word? Many a time we've been met with simple deception in our past dealings."

"The Chaos gods want the fighting to end as well, there are more prosperous goals we can all accomplish united. I've stood in their presence and I'm alive to talk about it today, that should tell you enough."

The doubtful Ethereal scowls, sitting back in his chair, his eyes still fixated on you. Still, you aren't about to back down.

"If the Tau follow you on this plan, if we do commit forces to see it finalized, what then?" The grey asks, interlacing his fingers and staring at you over them.

"Then the galaxy experience something it hasn't in far too long, friend. Peace."

Several Ethereals smile and nod at your words, as though they too have such a vision of the future.

"Peace does not last, human, your own kind seems quite at fault for that as well. Ho..." He's about to continue berating you, until the oldest, saggiest, wrinkliest motherfucker in the room stands up.

"Quite enough, I should think. Still, human, we are going to require much more significant evidence than this..."

>>17762514
>they need more evidence
CALL UP DOOM RIDER,
then ESH
then KAREN

that eclectic mix of guests should show em that almost everyone is united in this.


if its not successful, well atleast you get to snort some shit with doomrider

>dealof made
indeed. MAKE THE DEAL

Awe.

No other word can describe what they all feel, standing in awe as they watch.

A lifeless corpse, that is all that had sat there just a few hours prior. The decaying husk of a god.

Now, they watched as life seemed to be pouring into the One seated upon the golden throne. His gaunt face rejuvinated into it's stoic, statuesque visage. Fingers long frozen in place now twitching, moving almost ponderously over the arms of the throne.

***

"So let us get this straight, you are just going to leave us here?" The psycher asks, adjusting his hat, "You are going to abandon us, with just fifty thousand flavors of snow cone?"

"This guy." The Emperor grins, poking the loudmouth in the rips, and the psycher smiles back.

"But seriously, man, you aren't going to hit one last wave with us?" Another complains, and the Emperor holds up his hands to placate them all.

"Sorry dudes, but you know I've got to take care of this. Don't worry, I can visit again to hit that righteous surf."

The Emperor turns, finally, to those he trusts to keep the place well.

"You guys watch after it, remember to clean the ice machines and all that jazz."

The grey beards nod in unison, they aren't exactly the most vocal bunch...

***

"Ahhhhh... Wow that was a good rest, but man am I sore!"

The ever expanding crowd almost all have a heart attack as the voice booms throughout the chamber.

>>17762600
>emprah awakens

>>17762600
Shit be getting real

>>17762600
IT BEGINS!

>>17762600
Ahhh, puts a motherfucker in the mood for Emperasque, it does.
Rock on.

The Ethereal jumbles his words to a stuttered halt as something golden and glowing appears by your side.

"Sorry I'm late to the party, Max. You have no idea how hard it was to get away, I guess I'd forgotten everyone would be kinda freaking out and whatnot."

You sigh in relief, and turn to shake your head and grin as the Emperor stands up inside the room.

"Y-you aren't perhaps..." Starts an Ethereal.

"I am, in the flesh, whole once more." The Emperor booms, projecting his power through voice.

"And it is not lightly so, for the reason I've returned is that which this man explained to you. For too long have we spilled blood in naught but a fool's struggle. Though I cannot speak for others, I can guarantee you this. The Imperium of Man will hold fast to its word, peace."

The Ethereals don't seem to know quite what to say. Their faces masks of shock, stunned silence, some blink in disbelief.

"Well, it would be beneath one such as you to lie." The oldest looking Ethereal nods.

"So what you're saying is...?" You ask, tilting your head.

"For the greater good of all!" The Ethereal states with a flourish, "We shall stand as brothers."

Outside the tent, Kais grabs you by the shoulders and gives you a friendly shake, his broad smile alone projecting his glee.

"Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant, you two!" He pumps his massive arm in victory.

"Eh, sometimes you just have to make shit real, man." The Emperor shrugs.

"Hey, are you sticking around?" You ask him, and the Emperor laughs but shakes his head.

"Man, if only I could. No, Terra is freaking the big one so I need to go tell everybody to chill the fuck out because I've got this."

>>17762705

>"Hey, are you sticking around?" You ask him, and the Emperor laughs but shakes his head.
>"Man, if only I could. No, Terra is freaking the big one so I need to go tell everybody to chill the fuck out because I've got this."
i've decided the emperor HAS to be one of the very best reasons why this quest is so good.

"Ah. Well, I'm not too surprised, really." You shrug. It makes sense, you can only imagine the pandemonium when he first opened his eyes. The collective shit everyone lost when he stood up.

"Yup, so rock on I'll catch ya later." He salutes with his index finger, before teleporting away.

"He picked a good time." You chuckle.

"Hey, so what now Kais?"

"Well, I've got to prepare. With any luck, we'll recieve heavy reinforcements and there is much planning to be done. Ailia is going to have to help me out, and you're welcome to stick around but it will probably be dull work." The Shas'O shrugs.

"...How boring?"

"Hours of dataslate work, drawing up plans, getting logistics in order..."

"Sorry, but I'll pass." You shake your head. You would just get in the way, probably.

Suddenly, in a blaze of golden light, the Emperor's torso appears in front of you. He holds out a stone tablet with some kind of bizarre scrawl on it. The letters glow blue, your head feels light, and there is chanting in your mind. As swiftly as he appeared, so is he gone.

"Well that was... Strange..." You mutter. Kais looks as though he was about to say something, before thinking better of it.

[ ] Karen sent you a text, the Orks are filming a show she thinks you would enjoy.

[ ] Try to reprogram the murderously loving Necron.

[ ] Lycheria left you a voice message, apparently the canoness wants her bike back

>>17762784
and suddenly: primarch.

SISTERS! Boff the canoness on her bike!

[X] Karen sent you a text, the Orks are filming a show she thinks you would enjoy.

We need the ORKZ on our side.

>>17762791
>[ X ] Try to reprogram the murderously loving Necron.
because who doesn't want xeno love?

[X] Lycheria left you a voice message, apparently the canoness wants her bike back

[X] Try to reprogram the murderously loving Necron

>>17762600
Wait, the emprah surfs with the Greybeards? Now all I can imagine is Paarthunax surfing.

>>17762821
YES. YES. YES.

Reprogram the yanderecron.

[x] Lycheria left you a voice message, apparently the canoness wants her bike back
this cant possibly end badly

>>17762791
[x]necron waifu education

>>17762791

>[ X ] Lycheria left you a voice message, apparently the canoness wants her bike back

This should be good.

>>17762791
[X] Try to reprogram the murderously loving Necron. This threat has remained for too long, she needs to learn how to waifu.

Narrator: Morgan Freeman
Max: Steven Bulm
Fem Max/Helena: Nicole Sullivan
Sister Lycheria: Tabitha St. Germain
Ailia: Tara Strong
Esh: Grey DeLisle
Senna and Senda: Grey DeLisle
Kaleshi: Melissa Fahn
Tonya: Dionne Quan
Mika: Andrea Libman
Karen: Olivia D'Abo
Doomrider: Tommy Blacha
Abbadon: Christopher Sabat
Nurgle: John DiMaggio
Slaanesh: Tim Curray
Khorn: Keith David
Tzeentch: Nicole Oliver
Warboss: John DiMaggio
Emperor(Casual): Andrew Stanton
Emperor(Serious): Peter Cullen
Malice: Frank Welker
DarkHammer: Tony Jay
Kais: Scott McNeal
8: Phil Lamar
Vect: J.K. Simmons
Ra'alman: Ian Holm
H Jon Benjamin: Teach
Tankered: Brian Blessed
Logan Grimnar: Vladimir Kulich
Creed: Liam Neson
Bjorn: Patrick Warburton
Horus: David Kaye

Karen. We havent seen her in some time. And only like twice.

Waaaaaaaagh!

we need to fix our waifu guys, sorry.
fix the necron.

>>17762791
Lycheria time!

[X] Try to reprogram the murderously loving Necron.
We need 'cronforcements in the upcoming battle.

>>17762784
we got a new shout?

Test it first THEN go see karen

Be aware folks. Papa said its possible to fix the yandcron, but if we fuck up we'll end up killing her.

The more you know

>>17762914
No, we slag her next time we see her. She crossed the line.

SoB

More sororitas fun? Hell yes

rolled 2 = 2

>another tie, 7/7

Damn it guys, lol

Alright 1=necrons 2=sobs

Gotta get writing

>>17762952
>fix, or kill

im okay with either of these.

but seriously, we test our new power before we do anything else

>>17763010

>>17763010
Hell yes!

>>17763010
>Orks STILL getting no love

:<

>>17762885
This.

Also FUKKYEAR HERETICAL LOVE

>>17763053
I love orks. It's the army I play, when I can. But, as much as I love them, I really wanna have Max give back the bike and nail the canoness on it.

>>17763089
We wrecked that bike like 12 threads ago.

>>17763117
That's what's going to make this hilarious

>>17763117
Eh, shit happens. And my memory is obviously shit.

"Hey Max." The Emperor pops his head out from behind you, and you almost trip over yourself.

"Err... Yeah, whats up man?"

"Go tell any forces we have on the planet what's what, I've got to make some calls and shit dude."

"Sure thing."

"Righteous." He pops back into the warp-hole.

Well, that gives you something to do today, at least. Probably better than sitting around here annoying Ailia when she's trying to work. Though that doesn't sound bad, either.

"Hey blueberry, I've got to go. I'm on a mission, from god."

Ailia turns around from her talk with several members of the Earth caste, and runs over to you.

"Whaaa??? Already?! You've barely been around, though!"

"Yeah, I know. Sorry but its kind of important."

Ailia lets out a very comical sigh, putting her hands on her hips. She leans in and frowns.

"Fine, but you'd better make it up to me the next time."

"Will do." With that, and a quick kiss, you head for your bike.

You feel a bit of anticipation at the sight. You haven't even had a chance to really try it out yet, and can't wait to put it through its paces. Mika does good work, and surely that applies to the... Oh fuck.

The bike.

You grimace, remembering Eight punching holes through it with his Exitus rifle.

"Oh Emprah..." You groan. Grey knight or not, there is going to be one pissed of Canoness waiting for you.

[ ] Take the bike for an oceanside ride

[ ] Quit wasting time and head to the Sisters

[ ] Call up Doomrider for a chance to redeem himself

[ ] Try out the guns by taking a shortcut through 'nid territory

[ ] suggest something else entirely

>>17763145
IDEA!, we take the bike to the orks to fix it, then we bring it to the canoness.

>>17763182
Quit wasting time

>clergy wedreno
Yes to the clergy, captcha

>>17763182
DOOMRIDER!!

>>17762102
all my money! this

>>17763182
DOOOOOOOOMRIDER!!!!!!

COCAINE!

>>17763185
Dear lord, the troll factor

>>17763185
Oops, forgot to put my name^_^
>>17763182
[X] suggest something else entirely
but I already did that?

>>17763185
Too late, man. Canoness's bike is totally schwacked. Exitus vs. that bike is like putting a few Bofours 40mm through a Harley. Ain't any bike LEFT to fix. And she sure as hell ain't getting ours.

[x] Other: Cruise the beach and bullshit with DR if he's got time. Get an update on the Big Four.

>>17763185
I....LIKE IT!
Let's GO!

I wonder if Slaanesh still wants our cock now that we stopped being a Daemon prince.

Wait a god damn minute here.

We still have our commisar hat, but we ditched the greatcoat? WE COULD HAVE WORN THAT SHIT UNDER OUR PAULDRONS.

If we can do the Ork fixing, then fuck yeah.

>>17763305
I thought we were!

>>17763232
Thats the beauty of getting orks, waaagh makes everything possible, even a running bike with no engine.

Yeah, you can't return without the bike. Which is going to be a problem.

Stopping alongside it, you wince.

Yep, quite a problem.

In fact, you don't even know how you can move it. The engine is shot to hell, chunks and metal bits lying around in the grass...

"Damn, this thing isn't moving any time soon..." You sigh, sitting down and thinking.

"YEAH, IF ONLY THERE WAS SOME WAY TO GET IT RUNNING WITHOUT A WORKING ENGINE."

"Indee... Hey!" You whip around, and notice Doomrider standing behind you, his flaming skull a devilish grin. He's got his ring on and a shirt over his armor that reads "19-0".

"Doomrider! Whats good man!?" You engage the broshake, which he activates.

"I WAS JUST CHECKING IN, WANTED TO TELL YOU TZEENTCH'S KID IS DOING WELL!" He holds up a photo and you look at the small child. The baby boy is screaming, sparks jetting out from the lights in the background, Tzeentch looking happy but exhausted and the Emperor smiling proudly.

"That's... I'm happy for them."

"SAME. YOU WANT A HAND WITH THIS BIKE?" He jerks his thumb over at it.

"Yes, please. I think I know someone who can help fix it up..."

***

"Naw, Karen's out wif da boss. Dey's lootin fa moar dakka." The Mekboy shrugs.

In truth, you are just happy they didn't try to kill you when you first arrived. It had seemed like they might, until one Nob recognized you and "krumped dose gits good" to get them to not fill you with bullets.

"Oh... Well I'll have to find her soon. That said, can you give me a hand with this?" You motion over toward the wrecked SoB bike. Doomrider disappeared after parking it, late for a "Pizza orgy."

"Yea, we can git it roight fixed up fer ya."

"Great!"

>>17763382
>pizza orgy

Oh papa, you so crazy

>>17763382
>Pizza orgy.

YES

>>17763382
Fuck. I don't think White and Gold in any combination is at all Orky. Hmm.
Good dodge though. The Karen thing occurred to me a little late.

Hell, let's get it in Red, and then boost some Thievin' Magpies bling for decoraiton.

>>17763422
Red FLAMES. They'll eat that shit up.

Also Tzeentch accidentaly included a pic meant for her hubby.

>>17763442
oooooh SHIT.
You remember when Zoggin' Big Pipes were actual 2E Ork wargear? IIRC they fucked with Overwatch because they were so load they sounded like Big Shoota fire.
THAT is what need. Some that roars a torrent of flame big enough to roast heretics by the crowdfull and are loud enough jolt awake a Grey Knight on Titan.

>>17763382
'Oi mek, Iz wantin more spiky gubbinz on da bike, like right here by the seat, make it a red un, an more dakka. No, still more.'

>>17763460
>>17763465
I like the way you two think. Are you in my brain? Papa got in there the other night. Be advised, it is bat country.

Hey, just want to throw something out there. If the Emperor has sent us out to rally imperial forces, we should try to find any imperial guardsman that are still alive. I know there might not be any after that whole "entire unit wiped out" intro, but it'd be cool to meet up with some old bros and such, if possible.

Also, if we can somehow convince whatever is left of command to send more imperial guard; maybe we can see Max's Sister redeployed on this planet. It'd be nice to see her again.

"Oh... Oh no..." You groan.

The Mekboy and his boyz grin as they park it in front of you. Oh Terra, you should have just told her it was destroyed...

In place of it's bolters, which were never broken in the first place, now rests a kustom shoota and a choppa strapped to a pole. Where once were Imperial symbols are now hastily stamped out Ork ones. The exhaust pipes extend two feet above the bike itself, but not as tall as the giant Ork banner on the back of it.

The engine doesn't even appear repaired. At all. Hell, you can still see the bullet holes that bore right through the engine bloc. Still, somehow the bike is chortling along, spewing black smog from it's pipes.

To top it all off though, the icing on the cake, they've given it a hasty red paint job.

"We fixed it roight up fer ya, loike I said! Roight beutifal she iz!" The Mekboy folds his arms, nodding his head proudly at his work, maybe even tearing up a bit.

"Why why, oh why..." The Orkz don't seem to have heard you.

"D'attle be twe... Twunty... Gah! Lotsa teef, plus tip, 'humie!"

"I uhh... Don't have any?"

The Mekboy frowns, as do his boyz.

"Well den, make sure ya git some an gib em to me lata."

"Right, will do..."

The Orkz hook the bike to the back of yours with some chains. After securing it upright with some training wheels which appear to be made from standard Imperial diner plates, they assure you it's ready to go.

Grimacing at the prospect of showing up with it, you gun your own engine and start the journey to the Soul Sista's headquarters.

>>17763497
We need to aquire a new bike

>>17763444

MAXIMUM BONER.

>>17763497
WE KAN REBILD IT, WE HAF DA TAKNOLAJEY.

ndsePol perfect
Very true captcha

>>17763488
If we end up doing this, can we swing by the imperial guard base we were stationed at? Even if its abandoned, we could go back to our barracks and pick up some of our stuff that we might have forgotten.

Max doesn't seem the type of person to keep a lot of things; but maybe a memento or two to remind us how far we've come.

>>17763497
*sob* Iz bootyful. Diz da bestest bike bigmek Buzzdakka err sawed. We'z gonna krump lots of lots of 'oomies wit diz!

>>17763497

>>17763497
Spin the story so it seems that we did loose the bike; but we fought our way through an entire Ork base to recover it.

Hey, it's the thought that counts.

>>17763552
This is a good idead!
>>17763551
Now I See in my head MekBoss Timm Talore

The Soritas are outside the building when you arrive, doing some afternoon practice or something. All eyes turn to you as you ride up, present in tow.

Oh yeah, this is going to go great. You can just tell by the murderous look on the Canoness's face that she absolutely digs her pimped ride. Even Lycheria looks a bit put off, but perhaps more concerned for your safety than anything else.

You finally slow to a stop in front of the group, parking the "Deff Kounty Gitz Kustom Choppah" in front of it's owner, and shutting off your own engine.

Turning to them, you say...

[ ] Hey, at least I brought it back!

[ ] What, no I don't see anything wrong with it!

[ ] Problem, Canoness?

>>17763566
>[X] Hey, at least I brought it back!
Pair it with this story>>17763552

>>17763566

[x] Problem, Canoness?

Emprah will bail us out.

>>17763566
Problem Canonness?

>>17763566
>[ ] What, no I don't see anything wrong with it!
THAT'S HERESY!

Lets go with [x ] Hey, at least I brought it back! whilst incorporating bits of this
>>17763552

>[X] Hey, at least I brought it back!

Well it does still run...kinda.

>>17763552
Datz not proppa. Da mek put 'ard work inta dat bike, an we'z gonna tell da 'oomie da boyz fixed 'er bike roight up fer 'er. Dey even used all da killy gubbinz dey could!

As for paying the mek for his glorious work, we should krump those boys who tried shooting us and pay with their teef. Or the cannonesses teef.

>>17763497
>>17762102
Fuck yer, KS AND HL, whats more to love? Btw, if we're going to see Karen, we gotta play AC/DC's Big Gun, but instead called Big Dakka (like i recommended on the last overtime)

[ ] Problem, Canoness?

>>17763566
Pimp my ride scheme.

You know you want to.

[x] Problem, Canoness?

>>Deff Kounty Gitz Kustom Choppah
Baahahaha!

>>[X] Problem, Canoness?
Fuck da Pooooooo-leeese!

>>17763566
Just had this image of a pop-out Grott who's job it is to put Sunglasses on ya when you'z being a a Baws!

>>17763566
fuck it, you tards keep ignoreing the poro necron.
besides, troll answer is best answer:
[X] Problem, Canoness?

>>17763707
Not all of us like the cron. I am very much for slagging her on sight

"Problem, Canoness?" You ask, taking a sip out of an Ultramarines mug you gifted from a Blood Ravens rhino along the way. Doing your absolute best to remain entirely calm, as though nothing was out of the ordinary.

The Canoness, apparently, cannot speak.

Her face is a bright purple, and she almost appears to be choking as she splutters and gnashes her teeth. She's got a death-grip on the handle of her flamer, and another on her sword.

"Yo gurl, I heard you like fightin Orkz. So we put Orkz on your bike so you can waagh when you waagh."

That appears to have been the final straw.

"THIS IS WORSE THAN HERESY, THIS IS.... THIS IS SOME KIND OF... I DON'T EVEN KNOW!" She thrusts her sword, which you block with your axe.

"Why you mad, tho?" You ask.

Apparently this triggers some kind of seething fury, because you narrowly avoid another swing, and she is now foaming at the mouth.

"Enough!" You finally shout, using the power of your mind to knock her back slightly, "I'm on a mission from the Emprah."

"Pah!" She spits, "Even if you are some kind of Blood Raven... Grey knight... Commis... To hell with it! To even joke about such a thing is heresy!"

1d20 to avoid being crisped by her flamer

rolled 5 = 5

>>17763732
EMPRAH PRAISE MY ROLLS

rolled 11 = 11

>>17763732
YOU MAD BRO

rolled 15 = 15

>>17763732
I got this.

rolled 4 = 4

>>17763732
TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

>>17763732
XD
Now I feel bad! LOL, dammit!

>>17763741
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
>>17763752
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

rolled 7 = 7

I'll save me!

rolled 4 = 4

>>17763732
DON'T FLAME ME BRO

rolled 15 = 15

>>17763732

Come on, we've dodge bolter bitch fire before.

rolled 8 = 8

I...MUST...TRY...TO...SALVAGE...IT!

rolled 18 = 18

comeon nat 20's

rolled 6 = 6

ROLLAN

STOP ROLLING NIGGERS

>>17763756
>>17763757
>>17763764
Stop that.

rolled 14 = 14

can we fight flamer with flamer?

rolled 20 = 20

FOR THE EMPERAH!

rolled 12 = 12

>>17763732
Cannoness can't hit shit

>>17763785
Can't you tell? It's the same guy trying to roll for a one.

>>17763789

HOLY FUCK.

>>17763796
just wants the fish vore rape is my bet.

rolled 3 = 3

>>17763732
SOME LIKE IT HOT, WE DO NOT

>>17763789
There is still hope!

>>17763789
HIS BLESSING IS POWERFUL IN THIS ONE!

>>17763789
whose awesome, i'm awesome!

rolled 14 = 14

For shits, because

>>17763821

STOP IT PAPA-N!

YOU'RE SCARING ME!

>>17763821
What is this?

>>17763821
>that feel when most of these are probably papa N wanting to pull for a nat 1 with his trip off
>that feel when the one time i rooll, i get a nat 20 in the name of the emperah.
we are on a mission from the emperah, your arguement is invalid.

rolled 11 = 11

>>17763852
>implying 1s don't override 20's

rolled 17 = 17

FOR THA EMPRAH!

>>17763838
>>17763845
Never rolled in my own quest, worth a try

>>17763852
Nah, I'm not that desperate

rolled 20 = 20

Not a single nat 1. What the fuck is going on?

rolled 18 = 18

>>17763882
Well, truly The Emperor protects us this day.

>>17763882
GLORIOUS

>>17763882
and AGAIN!
this job for the emperah thing is awesome.
Papa N please just let us get past this before more retards try to make us look bad.

>>17763882


>Double 20's

The Canoness now wants our cock, apparently.

>>17763903
to be fair, all chicks want our cock in this game, so theres no suprise in this one.

rolled 1 = 1

>>17763903
I'd like to imagine that with the two nat 20's, not only do we not get burned, we just stand their and the Emperor's holy light just surrounds us from the flames.

They won't even know WHAT the fuck is going on.

A burst from your own flamer overpowers hers, canceling it out as the jets collide and saving you from a fiery demise.

"Quit playin."

Another flamer battle, and you remain alive.

"You quit playin!"

"GRAHHHH!!!! Why won't you just die like a good little heretic!?"

"Fus Roh Dah!!!!" You send her flying back into her sisters, who catch her.

"I told you, I'm not a heretic. The Emperor has awoken, and sent me here, personally, to inform you of something."

"Hah! As though that were even remotely possible." The Canoness snorts.

Lycheria frowns, her brow furrowing.

"Now that I think about it, I did see some kind of golden pauldron save you the first time we met." She says quietly.

"Exactly, and now I've come here to tell you this. The wars over, Emps is teaming up with the big bad four and any other xeno willing to join us. Malal is on a rampage and needs to be stopped. Are you bad enough bitches to serve the Emperor?"

The Canoness stands back up, seething.

"Even if that were true, you don't have any proof."

"Sure I do." You grin, and hand her the photo with the Emperor's new kid. She pauses, blinks one long blink, and faints.

rolled 13 = 13

>>17763923
Oh fuck me.

rolled 4 = 4

>>17763926
inb4thenat1

Nice.

>>17763926
IT BEGINS

rolled 17 = 17

>>17763926
She collapsed from all that jelly.

>>17763926
that, is awesome.

>>She pauses, blinks one long blink, and faints.
Awwwww. She looks so peaceful when she's asleep!
And now she's a Great-Grand-Aunt.
I dub her: The Sister of (Babby) Bottle.

>>17763923
That right there looks like the cue for an epic rap huehuehue brbrbr of 40k, Papa-N. If you've got one prepped.

And on that note, I take my leave to prep for work. Don't get Max killed, y'all. And, especially don't get him HUEHUEHUE'd to death.

>>17763954
>not liking the HUEHUEHUE death
>2012
>implying this is a bad thing.

But not before hitting her flamer one last time. You weren't expecting that, and without having any kind of defense, you are incinerated. You can feel your flesh charring and melting, turning black as you howl in agony.

Slapping at the flames, doing your best to try to save yourself, you keep stumbling backwards. No matter how many times you roll, the flames won't go out.

Something gives you a shove, and you are falling...

Right into the water.

"Nani, mai hunny?" Ra'alman sings, stirring up the water in front of your face.

"H-help... Me...." You groan, feeling the life fading from you.

"Well, I guess it can't be helped. I'll just have to use THAT." The fish exclaims exasperatedly.

With one gulp, she swallows you.

Shouting out in agony, you can feel her rough mouth already pulling off the charred outer layer of your skin. She laughs at your pain, as though it bolsters her.

"Don't worry, Max, I'll be sure to take good care of you. You can live forever, down in here <3"

Tentacles lurch out, and begin ripping off your charred flesh as another rips off your codpiece.

"First, we just have to replace this icky body of yours with something better." She sings.

The pain and pleasure mix into some kind of sickly sweet sensation. You've already blasted one gooey mess onto the pile of eggs in front of you, and the tentacles seem to want another. Still more emerge, and start dripping some kind of bioluminescence green gel onto you.

"Don't worry, soon you'll be just like me!" Ra'alman's giggle echos throughout the depths of the vast ocean.

>>17764005
WHYYYYYYYYYY

rolled 4 = 4

>>17764005

>>17764005
HUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUE

Lycheria looks completely shocked by the photo, though her reaction isn't QUITE as extreme as the Canoness's. She sits there, shaking her head of silvery hair in disbelief.

"I mean... How?!" She finally says, doing her best Jags-fan impersonation.

"Don't look at me, I have no idea how god on god snu snu works." You shrug.

"Eww... Not that, I mean how did the Emperor and... HER get together, even?"

"I don't know, actually. Some kind of unrequited love obsession from her, a party in the warp with plenty of booze, shit just happens I guess?"

Lycheria sets the photo down, and rests her head on the table as she closes her eyes.

"I don't even want to know..." She groans.

"And then the big guy just puts his..."

"MAX!!!!"

"Into her eye of..."

"OVER THE LINE, STOP!!!!"

"...Sorry."

Lycheria sighs, before getting up and grabbing out a tea set. She gets busy making some up while you watch.

"So this is all for real? We're actually going to be teaming up w-with... Chaos?" She looks as though that whole phrase nearly made her vomit.

>>17764072
HERESY!

is it weird that im crying manly tears of rage and have an erection at the same time?

>>17764091
What kind of silly question is that, how else would you fap?

>>17764091
Use the tears of rage as lube...

For your pleasure...

rolled 6 = 6

>>17764129

just sayin, but since Tzeentch is a chick, this is how I imagine her to look like (Nocturnal from Elder Scrolls)

"Hey now, they really aren't terrible. To be honest, Nurgle is kind of a bro, Tzeentch is at least polite, Khorne is a great coach and has a soft spot. Slaanesh grabbed my... Well you don't need to hear about that."

You take a sip of the tea out of the Ultramarines mug as Lycheria looks at you, her gaze betraying the fact that she does indeed want you to finish that sentence. Tough for her, it isn't something you want to remember.

She sighs after a long moment that tells her you are not going to continue that story. Resting her forehead on the table, she closes her eyes as though trying to sleep.

"I want you to pinch me, because I'm clearly stuck inside some kind of terrible, terrible nightmare." She groans.

"Sorry, but its no nightmare. Besides, I really don't think you'll find them too bad to be honest. Most of them are crazy, but in sort of a good way." You shrug.

Lycheria rotates her head to give you a good long stare, and you rest your own head down on the table.

"But now who am I supposed to fry?" She complains.

"Huh? Well I'm betting Malal still has some kind of legion of his own, so probably those guys."

"Oh, right. Well, that's something, at least." She sighs, closing her eyes. You'd forgotten just how cute she is.

"Yeah well, we don't have to worry about that quite yet, so lets do something fun." You grin.

"What did you have in mind?" She asks, looking as though she's about to go to sleep.

[ ] Take the waaghbike out for a spin, let Lycheria use yours

[ ] Bikes but you take your she rides Orky

[ ] Iron Chef 40k, despite having 0 cooking ability

[ ] No flamers, vodka only, final destination

[ ] other

>>17764147
no that is heretical i need to use consecrated lube officially sanctioned by the departmento munitorum
fapping for the fap god... soo i geuss for slaneesh... well now im all confused

>>17764204
FINAL DESTINATION

[ ] No flamers, vodka only, final destination

>[ ] No flamers, vodka only, final destination

alternately
[x]grab sisters, join pizza orgy

[x] No flamers, vodka only, final destination

whats the worst that could happen

[ ] other
lets demonstrate our teleporting powers and go to alternte dimensions or something

[X] Iron Chef 40k, despite having 0 cooking ability
I just want to see how many food network chefs you now about. Also if I don't see Alton Brown there will be blood.

VODKA

WAAAGHbike

AND

Vodka!

What could possibly go wrong?

>>17764234
PIZZA ORGY!

>>17764204
[X] other:
I believe the Pros call it "riding Pillion" -ho ho, old boy.
Let's take the delightful Lady Lycheria for a drive upon the *ahem* Waaughcycle and she may "ride pillion" with us.

[x] No flamers, vodka only, final destination

VODKA, YOU'RE FEELING STRONGER, NO MORE FEELING BAD.
YOU'RE EYES ARE SHINING, YOU'RE THE REAL MAN.
WIPES AWAY YOUR TEARS, REMOVES YOUR FEARS.
EVERYONE IS GORGEOUS, YEAH VODKA.

With a pained groan, you peel your eyes open, wincing at the bright morning sky.

"O-oww..." Lycheria mumbles as she sits up next to you, her eyes clamped shut as she rubs a bump on her head.

"Where are we?" You look around with squinted eyes. Wherever you wound up, you certainly aren't in SoB territory anymore.

The Ork bike is next to you, so you use it to help you stand up and then lean on it for support.

"Oh, I'm still drunk, I think..." You sigh, quite annoyed at that.

"So what, that isn't important. What I want to know is, why am I naked and covered in marinara? Your junk is, too." She notices.

You blink, look down, take in the sight, look back up, and blink again.

"So it is." You confirm.

"Hey uh, Max. Where are we, exactly?" She asks, looking around.

You scan the surroundings as well, and it all looks quite foreign to you. Though you may be drunk, you don't think you've been here before. Probably.

"I don't know, but lets get cleaned up before we figure that out. My junk smells like garlic." You pick up your discarded codpiece and set out to find some source of water.

>>17764293
Exactly. Listening to their Korven Kuningas album.
Also, Vodka is the way to go.

>>17764324
>water

NOOOOOOOOO MOOOOOOOORE VOOOOOOOORE

>>17764324
PIZZA ORGY MASTER RACE!
YOU SIR ARE AWESOME!

>>17764324

Good good, let the vodka flow through you

>>17764324
Bueno

>>17764324
I wonder if the rest of the Sobs are alright.

♫ comet,
it makes your breath smell clean
comet,
it makes your teeth turn green
comet,
it makes you vomit
so buy some comet and vomit todayyy♫

A nearby stream serves well in cleaning yourself up, which you do by falling face-first into it.

"Completely intentional." You inform Lycheria, who looks dubious about that.

She jumps in as well, and despite your half-drunken morning stupor, you must be leering too hard because she splashes you playfully.

"Your antics have only served to jiggle your "sisters" even further, I am aroused." You tell her in a robotic tone.

"Get dressed." She lays despite laughing.

The two of you now clothed again, its probably high time to head back. Though that will be a problem, as you don't know which way back is.

"Oh wait, I'll just check my communicatus device, it can show me the whey."

You whip out the gadget...

[ ] Drunk dial someone *who*

[ ] Activate GPS

[ ] Something else?

rolled 20 = 20

>>17764386
[x] Drunk Dial our sister

>>17764386
>[ ] Drunk dial yanderecon

>>17764397

Listen to this anon....He is wise.

Drunk dial the crazy cron bitch, we can always wipe that from her memory when we change some stuff in her mind.

>>17764397
this
also get big E to take her here, we could use a lesbo leman russ

>>17764397
Whelp 20 confirms it. That is if shes in range.

>>17764403

Oh gods the "hilarity", shenanigans and FUN that would result in!

>>17764386
activate GPS because we are awesome.

[x] Drunk dial yanderecon

Drunk dial esh

>>17764428
Actually, no it doesn't. Uncalled for rolls do nothing

Somehow end up calling the Tyranid Hivemind and ask it out on a date.

>>17764397
Oh gods this

>>17764464
I'm honestly kinda suprised we dont have a nid bro. If we got them on our side too Malal would be at a major disadvantage

Then again it's kinda hard to get peace with an unending hunger.

>>17764397
Well we do know her dates sister, wonder how long it will take for them to realise this.
Ring Helena!

drunk dial Ra'alman. we're already in the water and everything...

>>17764483


We do have a Nid-Bro.

His name is Old One Eye.

I'm saying we need to have sex with the Nid Hivemind as well.

>>17764483
this was mentioned in other threads; he couldn't fit it in, but one may pop up in eight's route

Why do people even like the cron? She is a psychopath and has no redeeming qualities

>>17764483

We did bro it up with Ol' One-Eye Max was pitted against by the Dark Eldar.

You grin, an evil idea having somehow breached the surface of the vodka-lake that is your current mind. Something tells you its a decidedly BAD idea, but vodka say "IT IS BEST IDEA, OF GLORIOUS SOVIET COMRADE! YOU NOT LIKE VODKA IDEA? PERHAPS YOU MIX WITH SOME JUICE AND MAKE AMERICA SHIT DRINK, PERHAPS YOU NOT MAN ENOUGH FOR VODKA STRAIGHT?"

"I'm man enough." You frown.

"Huh?" Lycheria inquires, an eyebrow raised.

"Quiet you sexy woman, I'm werkin on sumfing."

"Cool, I'm going to go back to sleep. Wake me up when you find out where we are, or something friend and greasy, preferably both."

"DIAL ROBOT OF CRAZY, FAGGOT DO IT!"

"SHHH, I'm doing it, I'm doing it. God you're an annoying inner monologue."

You finally get the number punched in, having picked it up from some paper that wound up in your pocket at your last meeting with Tonya.

"Muhahahahaha, Gentleman, behold!"

"Quiet, you, its ringing." You frown at the voices.

"H-hello?" A quiet voice with a slightly robotic melody.

"Hey baby, what are you wearing?"

"OH?! Mmmm, Lolita black lace, I'll be the little girl just for you."

>response?

>>17764513
because necrons are awesome and you are simply a hater.
also because i can.

>>17764513
I think it's more the crazy powerfull ally we'd have in the crons, and she does love us in a very creepy way.

Hell the only negative quality is her obsession, we cure that and well...

Honestly that's a point, she's not much of a character without it. Who knows how cool or lame she'd be after reprograming. All i know is we can't be constantly raided by necrons

>>17764534
Sister votes outvoted cron

>>17764534
WE ARE SOVIET COMRADE, BEST END IS HERE!

>>17764534
Response: I have a big girl here you wants to punish you. Have you been a bad girl?

>>17764559
>implying I won't do both

>>17764534

>I know a girl who needs a good spanking....

>>17764534
"What else will you be for me?"

If we play this right, we can turn her crazy into being PRO orgy

>>17764569
:D

well i guess we should just roll this over to doing the reprogramming...
THE BEECHES LOVE US COMRADE WE HAVE MANY BEETS AND MUCH VODKA!

>>17764597
Lets reprogram her to be a russian chick

our arm should totally be Russian

>>17764534
Hey sweaty, just wondering if you would come out here in the middle of nowhere so we can be alone while a play with your gears.

>>17764534
YOU WILL BE THE FIGHTER. AND I WILL BE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD...TIM. AND TOGETHER, WE SHALL RID THE UNIVERSE OF EVIL

>>17764597
Replace reprogram with slag and I'm in

>>17762102
this and then we take over the world
FOR THE MOTHERLAND AND VODKA

>>17764605
We shall call her Anushka.

[spoiler]Anus, get it? She'd be into anal.[/spoiler]

>>17764636
FOR MOTHER RUSSIA!

I'm late, but I'm still here! Was getting my first ever demonstration of 40k itself. And now I officially decided that I'm gonna start playing it. Plague marines ftw!

"I AM WEARING GLORIOUS HAT OF MOTHERLAND, MANY MEDALS AND MUCH THANKS TO COMRADE LENIN! WE MUST MAKE MANY BABY TO SERVE IN ARMY TO DEFEAT WESTERN IMPERIALIST DOGS!" You slather in your best accent, which is pretty bad.

"We shall show those sons of whores what true power is, let us disembark upon the path of glory for the motherland!" Tonya shouts back, much to your surprise.

"Comrade Anushka, I am needing more of the vodka drink."

"I will procure some for you, that we may win this war."

A click and the line goes dead.

What the fuck just happened? Did she just play along with you? Hmm, you check the conversation log and notice it went on for exactly 60 seconds. Strange.

Ah well, you are feeling adventurous. With a giddy grin you dial in Helena's number. Sure it may be like 4:45 am on her planet, but fuck her she used to make you get up to take out the trash.

>opening line

>>17764718
SUP GRRRL

>>17764586
This.

>>17764718
"COMRADE SISTER, HAVE YOU TAKEN OUT THE TRASH FOR THE MOTHERLAND?"

>>17764718
Hey sis! you fucking that Tech Priest yet?

>>17764718
>Papa-N used my naming suggestion

>>17764718
BELOVED SISTER, HAS THE EMPEROR BLESSED YOUR LOINS WITH CHILD?

>>17764718
SISTER HOW IS ALL ON WESTERN FRONT?

hat chan for the motherland

SISTER! WHAT HAVE YOU FOR GLORIOUS EMPIRE LATELY DONE? MORE BABIES SPAWNED? MORE DAKKA MADE?

I AM ON GLORIOUS MISSION FROM EMPRAH!

[ ] Drunk dial someone *who*
Nod commando, duh

>>17764742
>continue into a warletter that has been 'corrected' for the glory of motherland.
"I'M ON A GLORIOUS MISSION AND I HAVE SEEN MANY THINGS AND MADE MANY FRIENDS HERE. I HOPE EVERYTHING IS GOOD AT THE HOMEFRONT. 10 MINUTES AGO I WAS COVERED IN SOMETHING FANTASTIC AND SAW SISTERS 'SISTERS'. BE WELL!"

"...Max?" Helena yawns.

"Comrade sister, have you started making baby for motherland?"

"I... What?"

"Is all quiet on western front? Is pig dog NATO cowering like bitch?"

"...You've been drinking, haven't you."

"I sing for you, great song of motherland, to awaken fighting spirit."

"Yeah, yeah you're drunk." She manages, but you barely hear it as you belt out lines of gibberish to the tune of the soviet anthem.

"Max, enough! What the fuck was with that letter, what the fuck were you even talking about?"

"I cannot talk now, comrade sister, I am on blessed mission from most divine Emperor."

Helena screams in frustration, and you can tell she's quite annoyed with you at the moment.

"Are you angered, comrade?"

Another torrent of very select words and your ear piece whines in protest. She might even have Esh rivaled in that regard.

"Enough with the accent, just tell me what the fuck is going on already!"

By the time you've finished your drunken recollection of events, a good hour has passed. Lycheria is snoozing with her mouth open, your hat over her eyes to block the sun. Helena is oddly silent.

"Wow, you've really gotten yourself into some shit, eh?"

"Yeah, you know me. If there aren't guns, constant fear of death, and several pairs of tits its no party I'm attending."

Helena sighs, and leaves her tent.

"Yeah, you haven't changed at all." She groans.

I hate being on CET time...it's almost midnight and the thread hasn't even started yet...

"Did you honestly expect I would?"

"No. The whole of the Imperium would change before you would, and apparently that is actually happening soooo..."

"Meh. How have you been, still slobbing Sarah's big knockers every night? Ask her if she wants another round from me, wont you."

"Ask her yourself! And no, I haven't been, well, not as much anyways."

You sit up at these words, if she's not lezzing out all day err dae with Sarah, something is WRONG.

"What did you do? Or who? Whats his, hers, its name? ...You aren't fucking Slaanesh are you? Because I totally called dibs on that first."

"Wha...?! Gross... I've been, ah... Seeing someone."

This is relevant to your interests.

"Whats her name?"

"Frederick."

"Ah, I see. Though I always took you for the butch of the pair, not the other way around."

"Frederick is a MAN, asshole..."

"Whatever you have to tell yourself I guess?"

"Fuck you, jerk." Helena retorts.

>>17764967
>my sister? straight?
>SOMETHING IS TERRIBLY WRONG

>>17764967


I can FEEL the love.

Not even being sarcastic.

"Anyways, I've got to go. I have a hot sister of battle jumping up and down in panic, waving and screaming at me."

"..."

"I think she wants my co..."

"Call me when you sober up!" Helena hangs up abruptly, but you've already started pressing buttons.

Ringing...

"...Hello?"

“I demand you to examine my plasma cannon and see that it is fully repaired… also I need you to run a system scan in my computer mainframe.”

You hang up quickly. Who the fuck did you just dial?

Ah well, you head over to see why Lycheria is jumping around pointing off into the distan...

Oh god it's Abbadon.

>>17765010
WHY WON'T THAT FUCK DIE ALREADY!

"Get on the bike, get on the biikkkkeeee!!!!" Lycheria howls at you, and you clumsily sprint over to her.

"Where the fuck did he come from?" You ask, watching the Chaos warmaster closing in on a bike of his own.

"I don't know! Just gun it!"

You turn the starter knob and...

Nothing.

"FUCK!" You try it again, still nothing.

1d20 to force it to start

>>17765010
Give him drink.

If we can turn Malals champion against him all will be awesome

Make sure to note he is now playing second fiddle in Malals plans

GIVE HIM DRINK

rolled 2 = 2

RUNNING!

>>17765010
Again? One of these days we really ought to take the time to "take care of him" not today however, nothing gets you into giant metal panties like a heroic rescue.

rolled 18 = 18

>>17765038
GLORIOUS ROLL FOR ALL MY COMRADES!

>>17765010
>“I demand you to examine my plasma cannon and see that it is fully repaired… also I need you to run a system scan in my computer mainframe.”

>>17765010


Why am I honestly expecting him to be crying like a little bitch and has come running to us with an offer to help fight Horus because Malal chose some long-dead asshole over him?

rolled 20 = 20

fuuuuuuck

rolled 19 = 19

>>17765038
Rolling!

rolled 16 = 16

rolling for GTFO.

Meh, we stay or leave, works for me. I just want that bastards new arms lobbed off.

Fuck that bastard.

now i can understand the first couple of times but now this is just getting ridiculous i mean goddamn how many times do we have to kick his ass before he gets the message
maybe we should challenge him to a fishing contest. we are best fisherman comrade

>>17765053
stop rollan

>commands helpbest
Yes captcha, Nod Commando is a good helper.

>>17765053
YES!

rolled 4 = 4

REAL MEN DON'T RUN. CHARGE HIM.

>>17765053

FOR THE LOVE OF EMPRAH! STOP ROLLING!

rolled 1 = 1

for the motherland

rolled 1 = 1

for the motherland!

>Nat20s
>in a HLQ thread
>only 1 nat1

This is not the quest I'm used to running

>>17765093


>Noko

No.

>>17765093
>>17765104
>doing it ass backwards with noko
you sir are retarded.

>>17765093
>>17765104


STOP. NOKO. ROLLS.

It ruins the entire spirit of the Huehuehue.

rolled 20 = 20

>>17765105
Well, I'll see if I can't fix that...

>>17765104

>noko'd roll

Cheater.

>>17765105
Brave new world Papa-N

>>17765122


Holy shit.

>>17765122
.... What....

>>17765122
>no natural ones so this guy tries to roll a nat 1
>gets a 20
i bet m00ts trolling this thread somewhere.

rolled 13 = 13

fine just taking the piss here we go
>>17765104

>>17765093
and i would have gotten away with it too if it wasnt for that meddling dish network

>>17765150
What is that image from?

rolled 14 = 14

>>17765105
The dice gods are telling you to save up your vore scenes for after monmusu quest 2 has its second patch released now that rogue translator is working again.

>>17765122

>>17765167
I don't know, sadly. I picked it up from a random thread one day.

rolled 14 = 14

Stand back, I got a nat 1 before, I got this.

>>17765167
>Implying image macros have sources and weren't spontaneously generated in the darkest cesspits of the internets underbelly

>>17765122


This is some sort of sorcerous bullshit.

rolled 5 = 5

then i put on my robe and wizard hat and roll a nat 1

>that feel when 1's are turned off to deal with the trolls in the thread that always want fish vore rape
>that feel when everyones being trolled by moot.

now they're just fucking with us

rolled 4 = 4

FUCKING HUEHUEHUE!

DICEGODS, FUCK YOU! THERE'S FUCKING ABADDON RIGHT THERE!

Choke on a bag of dicks, ya wanking dicers.

>>17762102
why is it 1s are always fish vore i mean cant they actually count... never mind last time we lost a arm

rolled 13 = 13

>>17765251

>That feel when I miss the fish vore

all right who fucked a leprechaun

"Start ya git or I'll krump ya gud!" You yell, slamming your bolt pistol down into the bike's dash.

With a furious rumble, it actually turns over!

"go Go GO GOOOOOOO!!!!!" Lycheria smacks her fist into your back.

You wrench the handle back as had and as fast as you can. The bike explodes into speed.

"Dats da goodun fah dis race boss!" A gretchin pops out of the front wheelwell with a wrench, cackling as he climbs up and points at a red button.

"Sod off ya git, any Nob knows dat!" You toss him off of the bike into the stream and press the button.

With a scream, the engine is injected with pure fightan juice, and what you thought was fast is now redefined. The bike is clocking at such a breakneck speed you can barely hang on, let alone control it.

Despite this, Abbadon is still hot on your heels.

"How the fuck...?! Get the fuck out of here you ass!" You shout back at him, winging the empty bottle of vodka. It smacks him in the face and he lets out a pained yell, but it doesn't deter him.

"Press it again, press it again!" Lycheria yells as Abbadon moves even closer, his front wheel nearly at the back of your own. He's started firing his front bolters, and you have to swerve out of the way to avoid their raking fire.

Telling caution to take two steps back and fuck his own face, you spam the red button as fast and as hard as you can.

Again the engine is injected, and again it puts on the speed. Only this time, you keep the button held down. You don't know if it's Orky construction can keep going without exploding, but if you let up you are going to get killed.

Abbadon's tires seem to be leaking some kind of black haze, and you don't have to be a genius, though you totally are, to figure out Malal has something to do with it.

>>17765281
because fish vore is hilarious.

The engine is whining and sputtering, but it's keeping its speed. Can it hold out, though? Abbadon is falling behind, but you don't have enough of a lead yet. You are going to have to do something to get out of this mess.


[ ] Push button, recieve speed

[ ] Try to lose him in the nearby forest

[ ] Give up and Request: Daemonic handjob, much to Ilias's displeasure

>dice gods ITT

>>17765303
There are no brakes on the rapetrain!

>>17765303
He's chasing us on a motorcycle, we don't even need a full fus-ro-dah to take him out, just a fus would do it.

>>17765313
[X] Give up and Request: Daemonic handjob, much to Ilias's displeasure
because we are that guy.

[x] Give up and Request: Daemonic handjob, much to Ilias's displeasure

>>17765313
Obviously we must dissapoint illias. That genocidal bitch

>>17765313
>[ ] Give up and Request: Daemonic handjob, much to Ilias's displeasure
naturally

>>17765365
this.

>>17765313
PUSH THE BUTTON
WE GOTTA GO FASTA!

>>17765313
[ ] Try to lose him in the nearby forest
Was inclined to go for a daemon handjob, but screw it, I'm playing safe.

HOLD THAT GOD DAMN BUTTON DOWN, ALSO WHERE THE FUCK IS OUR DAKKA?

>>17765313
TURBO CAUSE WE GO FAST, SO FAST WE TURN GOD DAMN RED TO GO FASTA!

[x] Give up and Request: Daemonic handjob, much to Ilias's displeasure

rolled 11 = 11

Hammer that button like it's the love of our life!

>>17765303
HAMMER THE BUTTON LIKE THE FIST OF THE NORTH STAR!

dammit

>>17765313
Lose him in the forest.

[X]stick dick in motor, cum like the wind, it gives fuel for the fuel god.

>>17765313
Daemonic handjob of course.

I'm assuming kaleshi. Sister of Battle + khornette, nothing bad can happen

HOW DO YOU GET A DAEMONIC HANDJOB
FROM THAT WHICH HAS NO ARMS

You jam the brakes and skid the bike to a stop, as hard as you can.

"Max, what are you doing!?"

"HAhahaha, giving up so easily mortal dog? Huh, whats that? You want me to make you feel good with my hand? Well, alright."

"I'll make you feel good!"
Abbadon strokes Max's Inquisitor!

Max takes 50 damage!

"I'll make you enjoy my hand."
Abbadon's hand clamps tightly!

Max takes 65 damage!

"Hah! At your limit already?! Fine then, cum in my hand!"
Abbadon's fist moves fast!

Max takes 85 damage!

"I-I'm cumminnggg!!!!"

*Splurt splurt*

"Hahaha, I'll make you my sex slave now!"

"N-no! You cant! Not theeerrreeee!!!!!!"

>Max spent the rest of his life as a cum bucket to the Warmaster and his entire chaos horde.

***
>evaluation

Ilias: "Did you enjoy being made to cum by the warmaster? Honestly, such a pathetic hero to give in to something like that! He's too strong to take in a frontal engagement, use your psychic powers to give you the edge. Go now, brave Max, and defeat that daemon for me!"

THE BUTTON MAKES US FAST. PRESS FAST BUTTON!

>>17765482
We need to lose that same battle and get an evaluation 50 more times, so we can get a goddess handjob to go with it.

>>17765482
NOT AS PLANNED

>>17765482
tbh, I totally forgot who Ilias is...

>>17765481
>that feel when failbaddon the armless one gives a daemonic handjob.

>>17765515
wat?
fuck your shit.

>>17765528
How could you expect anything else?

ALWAYS USE MORE SPEED!

sooo... we're gonna project Ra'alman vore straight into Abbadon's brain?
Patton would approve

[ ] Raan Mir Tah

[ ] Od Ah Viing

[ ] Hun Kaal Zoor

>>17765553
All of the above? From the top.

>>17765553
We fus roh dah....Ourselves

Maximum speed

>>17765553

[ ] Od Ah Viing

Sounds almost like "Do a viking!" As a swede, it works for me!

>>17765548
Raan Mir Tah, of course

>>17765553
which one means 'sick yanderecron on abbadon'?

[X] Hun Kaal Zoor
Quick google search and I saw Old one eye.

I do not know what they mean!

I CHOOSE ALL!

rolled 19 = 19

[x] Od Ah Viing

dragons motherfucker

Damn, you are missing out if you haven't played Skyrim

http://www.uesp.net/wiki/Skyrim:Dragon_Shouts

>[X] Od Ah Viing
we summon dragons and doesn't afraid of anything.

I have no idea what these are, but I'm going for the first one.

[ ] Raan Mir Tah

>>17765628
20 then 19

fuck yeah

>>17765553
[ ] Raan Mir Tah
>animals help
[X] Od Ah Viing
>dragon helps
[ ] Hun Kaal Zoor
>hero from valhala knock off helps

>>17765628
>summon dragon
>its the mutha fuckin void dragon
fuck....

[x] Od Ah Viing
get our dragon bitch to do our work for us

[x] Raan Mir Tah

If it summons monster girls.

All that MGQ talk got me going.

[x] Od Ah Viing

[x] Od Ah Viing
Let's do this thing.

we need a new thread btw

"Od Ah Viing!!!"

Your words of power echo across the desolate landscape, rippling across the nearby ocean as waves across the surface.

A furious, echoing screech resounds throughout the galaxy. Men are awakened in their homes, babies scream, worlds quake.

The great void dragon, already awoken by you earlier, now summoned to your aid.

A massive gash opens in the earth between you and Abbadon, and the warmaster is forced to skid to a stop, and ultimately abandon his bike as it goes sailing off the edge.

Its work done, the void dragon screams once again, before returning to it's home within Mars.

"What the fuck just happened?" Lycheria asks.

"I don't know, but I've got a massive erection."

You gun the waaghbike again, and build up some speed. Surely Abbadon can't just run after you, but its probably best to be safe and just get as far away as you can.

Lycheria clings to you as you ride, though the armor-on-armor kind of ruins the experience.

"Which way?" You call back to her, and Lycheria looks around for any recognizable landmark.

"There!" She shouts, pointing at a jagged mountain in the distance.

"I know the HQ is east of that, so just head toward the mountain and we'll figure the rest out from there!"

"Got it." You crank up the speed again, bumping and skidding across the difficult terrain. Finally you hit a road and can really pick up the pace.

The Ork bike does its job pretty well, you have to admit. Especially considering it shouldn't actually run.

>>17765663
Valhala knock off? so the warp then?

>[x]Raan Mir Tah
summon jeanstealers

376 posts and counting. Well into autosage, so... time for overtiem?

>>17765773
We are still on page 5. I don't really have time for another thread tonight, unfortunately. Have a ton of homework that I need to get caught up on.

I might take a few days of R&R from HLQ after this, no more than a week though. Getting pretty burnt out of warhammer TBH and struggling for ideas. Feels like the threads have been getting stale.

I'll take the time to flesh out this other quest I've been getting together, and maybe work on Eight's VN if I'm up to it.

Well, my visit was a short one, but I gotta go to bed, CET and all that shit...

>>17765833
Limit is 500 posts before autosage now... Been that way a few months...

Wah! What are we goona do with Lycheria?

Come up with something fun, I'll write it, but I need to grab some food before my stomach implodes

>>17765856
500? That can't be. Strike Witches quest sprawled over three entire threads last sunday and they all autosaged at 300.

>>17765887
I have seen far more.huehueue of lycheria than not, perspectives are skewed.

>2 am
>What are we goona do with Lycheria?
Fuck it Papa-N.
This is not something I should be finding inspiration for in the fucking wee hours of the day.

>>17765887
Find strap-on and tag team the canoness into submission.

>>17765887

lets do something sick

consensual sex in the missionary position for the purpose of expressing our feelings for each other.

Or you know maybe we could call over some chaos girls as a team building exercise?

>>17766012


Totally this.

im down for some daemonette sororitas orgy time

summon the daemonette squad. call the rest of the sisters.

HOW CAN HERESY FEEL SO GOOD

>>17766012
After all the huehuehue...
This feels important thing to do

>>17762102
agreed

>>17766079
this

>>17765010
>>go from long boring church thing to supermarket with family, check on phone for updates on HL
>>Gee i wonder whats goin down?
>>“I demand you to examine my plasma cannon and see that it is fully repaired… also I need you to run a system scan in my computer mainframe.”
MIND, FUCKING BLOWN, PAPA just made a refrence to NQ

rolled 2 = 2

one more try...

shit
>>17766259

>>17765887
We Introduce her to Kaleshi, It'll be an epic Imperial/Chaos Kiss and make up fest.

rolled 9 = 9

>>17766259
my turn

Btw, if ur able to Papa, next Nod Quest is this Saturday, probably 2ish

>>17766356
I work Saturday, but I'll probably try to monitor from my droid at least

I'm not sure if I should try to force my way through the rest of this thread, I think I'm just too burnt out to make anything good come of it.

Having a hell of a time trying to come up with anything

>>17766379
Take a HLQ vacation Papa, enjoy strike witches, you deserve it with this crazy shit you came up with.

>>17766379
Go and enjoy your break Papa, you've earned it.

>>17766379
have a break, enjoy life, see you on the flipside
and thanks

>>17766498
>>17766465
>>17766441

I think I will take a short break. It shouldn't take too long before I'm ready to delve back in, and hopefully with better quality than the last handful of threads.

Sorry for cheaping out tonight, though.

i still love you papa-n.