>mfw I have no face for this!

Not going to sleep tonight, then.

omg storytiem

Welp, looks like I'm not sleeping tonight.

bump for storytiem!

I'm tanned, I'm rested, and I'm reading STORYTIEM. All's right with the webs.

>>17555364
Alphonse and Arthur quickly loot my corpse and take the hefty of holding, containing the fabled Armchair of Lord Armchair. We are very close to reaching Mt. Asshat, last known resting place of the Pope of Faerun; the soon-to-be owner of this badass piece of furniture.

As for Tim, who will be affectionately referred to as "Zombie-Dad" from here on, he is capable of walking and following the party around, but is otherwise a complete vegetable that 'communicates' mostly in groans and muffled garbling.

Enter our two new characters:
I'm now playing Bear, the Bear Shaman. Bear is Smokey's younger brother, (because Smokey was a descendent of the Pope, and now we're very close to reaching the Pope, someone has to continue the bloodline). Bear is a druid that specializes in turning into a large bear and mauling people. Unlike Smokey, he doesn't touch drugs, but is ineffably naive to the ways of the world outside of the forest.

and

Uncle Larry: Tim's brother, (and by that extension, Alphonse's Uncle) who is an Alchemist and totally insane after drinking way too many of his own potions. He is susceptible to wild tangents and random outbursts.

We fanagle a party meetup by having my character find Daggett (our pet Stegosaurus) in the woods. Daggett recognizes my scent, and because I'm a druid, we communicate; I learn that my brother just crossed the desert and may be in trouble, so Daggett leads the way and we search for Smokey.

Uncle Larry, on the other hand, has rings of sustenance and endure elements and wanders the desert for fun.

Meanwhile, Arthur and Alphonse are arguing with Rekrabbob (which is Bob Barker backwards, if you are stupid), just like they argue with every character, and are trying to convince him to draw from the deck himself.

>>17555517
Rekrabbob isn't having any of it though, says that he's not gonna fall for it... but his demon brother Yeracwerd might fall for it. Alphonse asks Rekrabbob where they can find his dad's soul, to which Rekrabbob responds:

"Not tellin."

The pyramid then disappears and everyone is teleported back to the desert, including Smokey's corpse and Zombie-Dad's drooling ass.

Just then, I arrive there with Daggett, and learn that Smokey is dead. I start blubbering and going on about how great Smokey was, and Alphonse has to slap some shit into me. It's pretty pathetic.

Suddenly, we see some weird dude strutting along the sand dunes. Alphonse squints and says, "Uncle Larry?"

Sure enough it is. He was just going for a walk in the desert. Arthur exclaims that he's met more people in the desert today then he's met in the last town. Awesome. Best day ever.

We begin talking as a party about what we're going to do next, until Arthur says: "I sure hope we get to fight a Rad Scorpion."

[Now (out of character), I've never played Skyrim, so I don't know what a radscorpion is. I'm thinking it's some kind of skateboarding scorpion with a flannel jacket and backwards hat. Totally rad.]

Then they explain what a radscorpion is, and apparently it's not as radical as I thought.

Arthur says "How about... Brad Scorpion. I want to fight Brad Scorpion"

A dust cloud appears on the horizon. The ground rumbles as it slowly draws towards the party. As it gets near, an enormous sandwurm erupts from the ground, ridden by a dude in armor. His face is adorned with a ridiculous tattoo of a Scorpion.

In a voice not too dissimilar from Old Gregg, he opens his mouth and says "I'm Brad Scorpion, what are you doin' in my desert?"

Holy. Fuck.

I'm on for STORYTIEM. My body is not re-

*head assplodes*

Goddamn it that downtime really killed my wood.

There's no point in continuing this shit tonight so I'll just remake it tomorrow. I did make some substantial headway in typing it out beforehand during the downtime though. Be there or be square, nerds.

I hope you don't mind, I'm going to tag a PSA onto your thread because there's no way I could keep a dedicated thread afloat.

There is an auto-archiver for /tg/ at archive.foolz.us. Every single thread is cached there for a time, from its creation to its 404 and a while after. Recently they've started caching the entire pics instead of just thumbnails which is great. I just missed two creature dumps and got them off the archive no problem.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.

>>17555637
> and a while after
you mean not forever?

>>17555652
I don't think it's forever, but I haven't looked into it. I just assumed they rotate the cache because grabbing every single thread would take a ton of space.

That said, I've been able to find a thread that had been 404d for 2 days, so it's not like it's gone within 12 hours. (though that might also depend on how fast /tg/ itself is going)

>>17555700
as far as I know they archiving it forever. they also had the easymodo archives too

Yeah, they archive permanently. Text, anyway. Images, probably not.

>>17555364
can we also tell gaming stories?

>>17555593
This makes me saaaaad, but I'm happy that Uncle Larry is basically pic related, the mad chemist.

>>17556121
You might as well, since OP signed off for the night.

>>17555633

god dammit.

>>17556149
Just wait till tomorrow. I'll have the writeups and as an added bonus, I'll post links to the audio recordings of our last couple of sessions (the ones summarized in the writeups). I posted one of them before, a while ago, but now I'm actually doing some audio work and editing them and shit.

Stay chilly, free willies.

Brad Scorpion is now an NPC in my game.

>Constant tohawa

Yes, Captcha, *constantly.*

>>17556209
Fuck yeah.

Also, when I hear radscorpions, I think they meant these.
http://fallout.wikia.com/wiki/Radscorpion

Yeah those are indeed the radscorpions we were talking about

>be Australian
>realise how late it is
>"alright, time to sleep"
>STORYTIEM thread

God damnit

bump in the hope that storytiem comes back... Please come back.....

>>17559875
Alright I'm back. I'm still doing some sound editing on the campaign audio because yesterday I was fucking stupid and it ended up sounding like robots.

Our last session was like five hours long and it takes just as long to fucking goldwave.

Storytime is imminent, however.

yeeessss

>>17555593
So let me paint the scenery a little bit: We're about a mile away from Mt. Asshat in a desert wasteland. We've all just made party introductions, and now because Arthur wanted to fight a particular "Brad Scorpion," a tremors-style sandwurm just scoots in front of us, mounted by some kind of crazy sand-knight, who hails us:

"I'm Brad Scorpion, what are you doin' in my desert?"

Brad speaks just like pic related. Before we can even respond, he interrupts us:

"You come here to be my friend?"

He seems to be saying this to Arthur in particular. Arthur tries to explain that we're just passing through, but gets interrupted again.

"Be my friend and stay forever."

Arthur doesn't really want to, but Brad is not taking no for an answer.

"You must love me exactly as I love you. I just met ya but I know I love ya. Tell ya what, the rest y'all can leave, but this one's staying with me."

Brad wants to rape Arthur.

>>17561259
"If ya stay with me I won't kill ya."

Arthur responds: "If I leave will you kill all of us?"

"I'll be forced to. Everybody else should leave. I got something to show ya."

At this point we all have a pretty good estimate of what Brad wants to show Arthur, but Arthur is not exactly interested. Arthur does not outright deny Brad's advances, but merely tries to sidestep them; focusing instead on our goal of getting to Mt. Asshat... which is just a mile away...

But Brad isn't having any of it: "Come back to my cave, I have all things that are good."

Arthur ignores him, "What's the fastest way to Mt. Asshat"

"You're not going to Mt. Asshat, sugarlump. You're staying with meeeeee. Foreverrrrrr."

Brad continues: "And why wouldn't you? I'm the world famous Brad Scorpion. Haven't you seen my tattoo? What did it mean for you to see that?"

(Brad has a face tattoo of a scorpion)

Before Arthur can answer, Uncle Larry blurts out, "Need some oil?"

Brad responds, "No thanks sir, I'm good."

Arthur replies about the tattoo: "uh it means that either you were Brad Scorpion and got a scorpion tattoo or you were just Brad, and got a scorpion face tattoo and changed your name."

Brad continues to ignore what Arthur says, and continues his flirting: "You'd be honored to stay with me, I know you would."

>>17561313
Brad is still being persistent as fuck. ("I'll take you down to my cave with me!")

At this time, I cast speak with animals, to see if Brad Scorpion's sandwurm is also thinking out loud. I hear it growling out: "Fuck I just wanna eat all of them."

So I say to the sandwurm, "There's food on your back! Eat that guy!"

But the sandwurm doesn't fall for that. It's a loyal mount.

From here Brad begins demanding that Arthur hop up on the sandwurm and they retire to his sand cave together. Arthur retorts by saying that he's a bad climber and he's scared of the sandwurm. Brad offers Arthur his lance, to pull him up--but Arthur tries to pull Brad off the saddle with his prodigious strength...

And he totally botches the roll. Instead, Brad hoists Arthur up onto the wurm, as intended.

"Whoa there, ya almost pulled me off my saddle, sugarlumps."

At this time, we (the rest of the party) begin discussing the situation. Alphonse admits that Arthur is his 'best friend' and doesn't want Brad Scorpion to take him away.

Arthur doesn't want that either, and jumps off the wurm. He tells Brad Scorpion to go fuck himself

"I can't. I lack the proper equipment."

Combat begins.

>>17561369
So we are now fighting Brad Scorpion and his Ashwurm mount. I begin my turn by wildshaping into a Dire Bear (Bear Shaman lets you wildshape at your level+2 as long as you turn into a bear) and claw attack Brad. Alphonse runs up and throws a dagger, which hits Brad pretty hard. Arthur unsheathes his sword and stabs Brad's wurm. Uncle Larry throws some exploding potions on his turn.

And then it is Brad's turn, and he decides to charge the large bear attacking him.
DM rolls a nat 20.
He confirms the crit.
Brad is using a Lance.
Lances have a critical multiplier of 4 on a charge attack.

This puts me at about -15

"Uh... I'm dead."

LUCKILY, Alphonse's player points out that Brad couldn't have charged me from within 10 feet, so he only gets a crit multiplier of 3. Instead of being totally dead, I'm just barely alive.

>>17561369
>"I can't. I lack the proper equipment."

THAT'S BECAUSE OLD BRAD'S GOT A MANGINA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxiVLNA3F7w

>>17561401
I use my next turn to back the fuck off and heal, while the rest of the party members take their turns disembowling Brad--especially Alphonse, who is pressing a three level advantage over the rest of us. Brad still tries to jump on my nuts, but I manage to get off some heals and survive.

The team eventually brings down Brad Scorpion, who exclaims, "I thought we were meant to be together..." before dying. His wurm runs off scared and buries itself. Our destination is now clear, and with no more obstacles in the way, its on to Mt. Asshat.

The journey is perilous, and we have to climb up the sheer face of the mountain. Daggett cannot follow us, so we leave him at the base of the mountain. Our ascent takes several days, and we begin to get the feeling that we're being watched.

>>17561418
Uncle Larry, specifically, thinks we're being watched... but none of us believe him. As we make camp for the night, Larry happens to hear some chattering noises and its actually in a language he understands (Draconic). I hear the noises as well, but can't understand them. I ask him what the hell that was, and he responds "Oh they're just talking."

We argue a bit because he's being purposefully unclear, but he finally says "They're talking in some language that begins with a 'D'." So now I think there's dwarves on the mountain, and can't wait to meet them at the summit!

As we continue up the mountain, we come to what looks like a cave entrance with a stonewrought gate. I ask the DM which way my Destiny is pointing, and he responds:

"Your destiny is inside this cave."

>>17561460
So we approach the cave, and are greeted by a powerful scent... the scent of LIZARDS. (I'm shocked, I was expecting dwarves.) We decide that it will be too dangerous for Zombie-Dad after this point, and he will just be a liability (Zombie-Dad says: "Pleeeeeeaaaaah... Munngggggg..."). So we leave Zombie-Dad with my bear animal companion to guard him.

We then hear chattering coming from down the cave. Arthur charges fearlessly into the blackness. Alphonse fires up an Everburning Torch, and I manifest some Totemic Transformation bear powers because the cave is too small for me to turn into a goddamn bear.

We come to a forked pathway in the cave network, and are set upon by two guard patrols of fuckin lizard people--one squad in each fork. Alphonse immediately breaks a Quall's feather token of Swan Boat and chucks it into the right-leading pathway. A Swan Boat materializes and jams the path... as well as the lizard squad. The surviving lizardfolk scatter from the Swan Boat expansion, and we charge the squad in the left path... quickly making short work of these inept lizards.

Get a day off of classes and a Storytiem thread.

Fuck yeah today is awesome.

>>17561559
We fight some more squads and finally emerge from the cave network into what appears to be a Lizard City. In the center of the city is a large raised temple structure, and the DM informs me that my Destiny... is in that temple.

Alphonse uses a Wand of Invisibility on the party, then disguises himself as a lizardperson. Uncle Larry decides to down a potion of Flight and takes off towards the temple. I yell "Stop it, that's MY destiny!" and wildshape into an Eagle, and fly after him.

As I give chase, the temple comes into view, and we see that at the top of the temple is some kind of spiral staircase that leads to an egg-shaped object. I know that my destiny is in that fucking egg. But then I suddenly notice with my fine eagle senses that something isn't right. I roll a clutch perception check and get the sensation that we're flying towards some kind of invisible wall. I break off and swoop around, but Uncle Larry doesn't...

KABONGGGGGG

>>17561603
He smashes face-first into an invisible wall, and plummets thirty feet into the the city. I circle around to find Larry, and we wait for the rest of the party to catch up. Seeing as I only have one more wildshape of the day, I don't want to cancel it, so I'm just an invisible bird, chilling with invisible Larry until the rest of the invisible party finds us.


Eventually, we all meet up and start planning our attack from an alleyway, and Alphonse hatches the master plan.


Alphonse digs deep into his bag of tricks. He's got a shit ton of Quall's Feather Tokens and wands and shit. This is all stuff the he's stolen or convinced people to let him steal over the course of the campaign. The party will create distractions while Alphonse casts a bunch of Buffs on Arthur, and Arthur will run into the temple and steal the egg.

(As an aside, I'm always on board for an Alphonse plan, I don't care HOW retarded it is.)

>>17561633
And so it begins. Each of us climb up on a rooftop. Alphonse hands Arthur a potion of Spider Climb and a potion of Invisibility. He uses his wands to cast Invisibility and Expeditious Retreat on Arthur, and Arthur takes off his armor. Arthur can now move at ridiculous speeds and run up walls. Arthur tears ass down the street to the temple, and we watch lizards get knocked over in the streets by our invisible comrade.

And now, our symphony begins. I'm still Wildshaped as an Eagle, and I use the rest of my spells/day to summon creatures. Any fucking kind of creatures. Bears, Giant Centipedes, Pixies, shit like that. My summons spill out into the streets and create chaos, knocking over fruitstands and eating lizardpeople. Larry starts tossing random exploding potions in every direction, causing some wanton destruction...

>>17561641
And then there's Alphonse. Alphonse ducks into an alleyway and takes out his set of magic paints. He uses these paints to erase the edge of a building, and draws cracks in the foundation along the connecting walls. The building completely collapses into the street. He then spider climbs up another building, and grabs a handful of Quall's Feather Tokens.

He breaks them and chucks them into the streets below. Another Swan Boat appears and crushes a caravan. Two anchors fall from the sky and destroy people and structures alike. Finally, an animated whip bursts forth and begins whipping people in the street.

Alphonse grabs a wand of Animate Rope, and uses it to animate some nearby block-and-tackle ropes on a scaffold. These ropes dive onto panicking lizardfolk on the streets and begin trying to tie them up/strangle them.

As a grand finale, Alphonse grabs a few vials of Alchemist Fire and rains them down on the crowd, leaving one to burn the building he's standing on before he turns himself invisible, and makes his escape.

mfw all I've ever wished for has been gramted pn this day

>>17561681
Meanwhile, at the Temple, Arthur is running like a ridiculous oiled gazelle, and spider climbs up the sheer face of the temple, all the way to the Egg. He hefts it off its mount (guy has like 26 strength), hoists it over his head, and begins running away.

The egg becomes part of the invisibility spell as he downs the potion of invisibility, and he uses it as a battering ram to force people aside as he streaks through the panicked streets of this totally-fucked lizard city.

While this is going on, Alphonse and Uncle Larry meet up as they retreat, and pass by what appears to be a lizard day-care center.

Uncle Larry decides that Alphonse should have a pet to teach him some responsibility ("You're the best, Uncle Larry!"). Uncle Larry also decides that he wants a pet too.

So they bust in and invisibly grab two lizard children, with the aim of keeping them as some kind of pets. Again, this is an EVIL PARTY, just in case you were wondering.

However, as Alphonse and Larry continue to escape, the lizard children begin crying and complaining about being hungry, having to go to the bathroom, where's mommy, etc.

They realize these kids would make shitty pets, and drop them in an alley somewhere, then beat it out of the city.

>>17561741
Well thank God they didn't sell them into some kind of elf--- I mean, lizard slavery.

>>17561741
We all independently make our way through the cave network and meet at the entrance cave where we left Zombie-Dad and my bear companion. When the party is assembled, Alphonse chucks a feather token of Swan Boat in the cave's mouth to seal it permanently, and Arthur sets down the egg so that we can inspect it in detail. The egg looks like it's filled with a very dense fog, all swirly and mist-like in appearance... but a faint humanoid shape is detectable below the fog.

It is the Pope of Faerun: Roneillius Popeillius.
And we are finally going to give him his chair.

rolled 63 = 63

>>17561797

This entire quest is so stupendously retarded it wraps around to "fucking EPIC".

>>17561741
Oh that's the beauty of it all.

>>17561846
We begin examining the egg for any kind of discernible opening mechanism. We find none, so Alphonse decides that he’ll just punch through the eggshell.

He smashes his tiny fist through the glass-like shell and slices up his hand pretty badly. Smoke begins pouring out of the hole in the shell. The smoke smells like weed. In fact, it IS WEED. Slowly the humanoid shape inside of the egg begins to come into focus as the smoke drains.

It is a man, with very tanned skin, wearing a white robe. His eyes open.

“Who are you people?”

Uncle Larry tries to start some identity crisis by saying that he is the Pope’s distant relative (instead of me). We get into an argument until Arthur puts his foot down and yells “JUST GIVE HIM THE CHAIR.”

We present the Lord Armchair to the Pope, and his eyes go wide with wonder. His jaw visibly drops, and he says...

“Are you aliens?”

>>17561902
We’re all really confused.

The pope continues, frantically: “The reckoning? Has it happened yet?!”

We’re still confused.

“The world? It isn’t prepared?! Oh no! What year is it?!”

We inform him of the year.

“You’re the Chair Bearers!”

I just about lose it at this point because... that is literally the purpose of my character. To deliver a chair and summon bears. Ha ha.

The Pope continues: “Exactly as the ancient alien prophecies foretold. The chair bearers are eclipsing the seventh house of the moon.”

Uncle Larry replies: “You’re insane.”

“That’s exactly what the ancient aliens want you to think. You see this symbol here that looks like a man? It’s an alien.”

The Pope goes on about how ancient aliens made a prophesy about future aliens coming to destroy the world in some event called "The Reckoning." The Pope, being the sole keeper of ancient alien knowledge, sealed himself away in the RonCo Egg about a millennium ago, and keeping true to the family motto (Set it and Forget it)... forgot to set a timer to release himself.

Instead he's just been enjoying a 1000 year cryogenic clam bake until the prophesied Chair Bearers came to wake him up.

>>17561944
That's where our first session left off.
Here is the audio for that session, if you want to listen to it. The Brad Scorpion fight is worth a look in and of itself.
https://docs.google.com/open?id=0BzkFXz2p6nJBZDY4YTlmMDQtMGY3Mi00MTBkLTgzNmYtYzlhNWM4NWI3M2Nh

Onto session 2:

So now things seem pretty dire. The world is unprepared for an alien invasion that is probably going to be happening in around one month.

We ask the Pope if he has any resources or allies in the coming conflict. This seems like a shot in the dark because up until recently, nobody even knew a Pope of Faerun existed. However, all is not lost, as the DM rolls a dice on the map of Faerun and it lands on...

The Shade City.

(I had no idea what the fuck that place was, so they explained it to me thusly: "Faerun had to have magic cities, because everything is magical. Then some guy cast a spell that made him a god, and he made a bunch of cities float in the air. Then that broke magic, and the cities fell to the ground. Shade City is one of the cities that didn't fall, but all the people are now shades and they don't give a fuck about anyone.")

But regardless, the Pope has an account at the First National Bank of Shade City, and it's been collecting interest for 1000 years. So we're probably the newly minted monopoly champs of Faerun, and can leverage this coin to raise an army or something.

But Arthur is the only one that knows anything about Shade City, and he warns us that shades will pretty much kill us on the spot for breathing their air, and we shouldn't go there ourselves (naturally, Alphonse wants to go).

The Pope interjects and says he can just poof over there and cut us a check, but the key to repelling the ancient alien attack comes from the Chair of Power...

>>17562074
But in its current form, the Chair of Power is incomplete, and it needs an ottoman to unleash its full strength.

In order to build this ottoman for the chair of power, the Pope instructs us to go to the High Forest and cut down The Grandfather Tree.

With that, the Pope teleports away and leaves us high and dry on Mt. Asshat.

I just have the biggest, goofiest grin on my face reading through this whole thing.

You and your group are gloriously insane.

>>17562083
APPARENTLY the Grandfather Tree is the oldest and most awesome tree in the oldest and most awesome forest in Faerun. It's probably sentient, and cutting it down would probably piss off a lot of dryads, elves, and other forest critters.

But I'm a druid, and I talk to trees, so I think that maybe I can reason with the Grandfather Tree to give us some wood. Oh baby.

But that's neither here or there, because Alphonse and Arthur are arguing again. Alphonse really wants to go to the Shade City because he thinks there might be someone there who can teach him how to become an assassin, which for him, is mega-cool.

Arthur just wants to go to the High Forest because... well... the world is ending in a month.

And that's when Alphonse says: "My dad could beat up your dad," as he points to Zombie-Dad, who is drooling all over my bear companion.

Arthur replies, "I'll take that bet. My dad is 80 and lives in a nursing home, and he'd kick your dad's ASS."

So fuck the end of the world, we have a new main quest.

>>17562177
So now we need to know exactly where Arthur's dad lives, and we do it in the usual way: rolling dice on the map.

The die lands on a city called Two Stars, which is awesome because Arthur put his dad in a Two Star nursing home, as opposed to a much nicer establishment.

Two Stars is about a three week journey away, and we need to cross the desert first anyway. We disembark Mt. Asshat, and meet up with Daggett upon reaching the base... only to find a most glorious change has taken place!

Daggett got sick of waiting and wandered around the desert. He came across a sand pyramid and wandered inside, only to meet up with Yeracwerd, brother of Rekrabbob (the demon genie that let us draw from his Deck of Many Things). Yeracwerd cast Awaken on Daggett, and fully maximized the spell. Daggett now has an intelligence of about 27. He's a published researcher with a Ph.D. in botany, and compared to him, the rest of us look like fucking morons.

So naturally we strap him to a swan boat, paint sand skids on the bottom of the boat with magic paint, and have him pull us across the desert, back to Dagger Falls.

>>17562177

Oh god.

>>17562242
So Daggett drags us back to Dagger Falls, complaining the entire way about how this is beneath him (He talks like Thurston Howell III, which is a nice touch). I try to comfort the noble creature while everyone else begins preparing for the fight. Alphonse tries to pump up Zombie-Dad (who groans in indifference), and we bullshit around for a bit until we arrive at Dagger Falls.

Now the last time we were in Dagger Falls, we killed their sheriff, stole all the gold in their bank, and appointed the dead sheriff's son as the new sheriff.

Why wouldn't we go back?

So we arrive in our dinosaur-pulled-swan-boat-skidder, and notice that the town streets are completely empty. We walk around a bit, and notice that there are a few people just ambling around town talking to themselves, but we see no women.

"FREEZE you criminals!", says a voice from behind us.

We turn around and it's Sheriff Kid, shorter than Alphonse, with a loaded crossbow in hand.

Alphonse starts giggling "Oooohohoh you just fucked up."

TYPE FASTER, DAMMIT.

>>17562341
The kid tries to shoot Alphonse with the crossbow, but misses. Alphonse whips around behind him, and shoves a knife through the kid's back. As the kid dies, Alphonse says, "I've made a lot of mistakes, but killing you is not one of them."

Now Smokey would have probably said something like, "Ha ha... classic Alphonse... whatever man." But Bear has never seen Alphonse do something like... well... murder a kid in cold blood.

So I start freaking out, and the party tries to calm me down a bit, and we rationalize it as the kid tried to attack Alphonse first, so Alphonse was just defending himself. I buy this argument because Bear was raised in the goddamn woods and saw bears killing each other all the time... so it must be something similar.

At any rate, we duck into a general store and begin chatting up the shopkeeper about current events. The shopkeep insists on telling us that there is no food here and that he had to eat his wife. We think he's making a dumb joke, and pay him no heed... but nevertheless he has no food. We learn that the reason they have no food is because they could not pay the Grain Train (the caravan that brings food to this area) this month...

And they couldn't pay the Grain Train because we took all their gold (but nobody told Larry or I about that particular piece of information.

So I get the idea: "Hey, we killed their sheriff, so maybe we should bring them some food!"

>>17562425
I figure that because the party originally found Daggett in these parts, that other dinosaurs must be around.

So I ask Daggett about other dinosaurs.

In a thick New England drawl, Daggett replies, "IF you must knowwwwww, a laaaaaarge variety of fauna exist in this areaaaaa. Not limited to stegosauri, but also triceratops, anklyosauri, and tyrrrrrrranosauri."

"Perfect! A tyrannosaurus would feed everyone here for a week!"

So we set off to hunt Tyrannosaurus. After a couple hours of tracking across the open plains, we see a T-Rex off in the distance.

(But let me tell you something, if you don't already know. T-Rexes have like... +35 to Perception. It's fucking nuts. So that T-Rex was already charging us by the time we saw it.)

So now the T-Rex is about to jump our shit, and thinking quickly, I cast Dominate Animal to try and halt its advance so we can reposition ourselves. It succeeds and I command the T-Rex to stop. Alphonse then gets giddy with an idea.

"HEY HEY HEY TELL IT TO EAT THIS!"

He shows me a Quall's Feather Token of Spruce Tree.

>>17562509
>He shows me a Quall's Feather Token of Spruce Tree.

I don't know what that is, but I bet hilarity is about to ensue with it.

>>17562509
So I tell the T-Rex to come over to us and chomp down on the feather token.

It does so.

After a short delay, a gigantic Spruce Tree bursts forth from the T-Rex's mouth and head, ripping apart the halves of its jaws, and gruesomely splattering what is probably the smallest frontal lobe in existence.

With the T-Rex dispatched, we now need to get it back to town. At this point, I had to use the bathroom, so I told the party that Bear was going to take a shit in the woods while they sorted this out.

Alphonse then decides that Daggett should carry the T-Rex, but asks extremely rudely.

Daggett is fed up with being a beast of burden, due to his extreme intelligence. He tells Alphonse that this job is beneath him, as he is a published researcher with a taste for foreign films and other finery.

Alphonse responds by producing a rope and attempting to hogtie Daggett.

>>17562523
"A token that causes a great oak to spring into being (5-foot-diameter trunk, 60-foot height, 40-foot top diameter). This is an instantaneous effect."

Basically that pops up when you break the token, which looks like a tongue depressor.

We fed that to a T-Rex.

>>17562575
So when I return from the bathroom, I'm greeted by the following scene.

Daggett is on his side, tied up, and Alphonse is standing on his neck, shouting "YOU'RE GONNA PULL IT I SWEAR TO GOD"

I notice that Alphonse is emptying a Decanter of Endless Water onto Daggett's face. He's waterboarding daggett.

"FUCK YOU! I'M BLURURLRLGLGGGLGGLGGL", Daggett manages to croak out.

I immediately wildshape into a Dire Bear and swat Alphonse away, then I rip the rope binding Daggett (The DM said that Daggett kept failing his strength checks to break the ropes).

I force Alphonse to apologize to Daggett, and Alphonse says, "I'm sorry Mr. Dinosaur, if you couldn't pull the T-Rex back to town, why didn't you just say so?"

Daggett is offended: "Couldn't pull it? COULDN'T? MY BOY, LETS GET ONE THING STRAIGHT HERE, I CAN PULL ANYTHING!"

So Alphonse ends up tricking Daggett into pulling the T-Rex back to town.

>>17562690
So we get back to town with a dead headless T-Rex.

And the streets are still deserted. We figure that a barbeque will draw out the townsfolk, and set about digging a pit and dragging a chain fence over it to form a grilling platform. We're gonna serve up some T-Rex steaks and be the heroes this town deserves.

So we start grilling the T-Rex, and it smells pretty good. Uncle Larry decides to perform a fire dance and begins traipsing around the burning carcass. However, the townsfolk are still not coming out of their houses... so we decide to go and bring them out for the feast.

We knock on the nearest door, and hear something that sounds like women shouting "Help! Help!"

A gruff voice silenced them with a yell, and then yelled to us, "We don't want whatever you're selling, go away!"

>>17562690
>So Alphonse ends up tricking Daggett into pulling the T-Rex back to town.

How is it that Al is simultaneously the best and worst character ever.

>>17562767
We figure there's something fucked up going on in there, so we bust down the door, like any good adventurers.

We see some grizzled crazy-looking dude with matted hair standing in front of a makeshift cage containing what are presumably his wife and daughters. The room around them has been absolutely ransacked, and there's blood on the walls.

Apparently the shopkeeper wasn't joking about how he had to eat his wife... apparently THIS IS WHAT ALL THE MEN IN TOWN ARE DOING.

None of us are cool with that, and we immediately murder the shit out of the man and release the women. They thank us, and tell us that the men in this town have been cursed by some dark cult, and they're imprisoning their women and eating them.

We inspect the body of the dead man, and find that there's a brand mark on his chest, presumably bearing the sign of this cult. I press the brand, and a wave of energy pulses out from it (like that part in Pirates of the Caribbean, where the coin calls to the crew of the Black Pearl).

Alphonse goes "COOL!" and starts pressing it a bunch more times to enjoy the energy pulse effect.

posting in a storytiem thread

fuck yeah storytiem
I was wondering what happened to you and your group of glorious chair toting bastards.

>>17562822
We assume that there are more women in town that need rescuing, and proceed to each house. Lo and behold, all the men have gone insane and need to be put down.

The women are all severely shell shocked, as can be expected, so we do our best to make them comfortable, and bring them all into the center of town for a T-Rex barbeque (after all, none of them have eaten anything in a while). Turns out even Sheriff Kid had a cultist brand, so I'm glad we killed him too.

The women tell us that some crazy evil-looking woman came through town, and next thing they knew, their men were all raving cannibals. Because my character is currently inundated with the impending doom of the world, as revealed to by the Pope, I ask the women in all seriousness if aliens caused this madness.

And they look at me as if I were retarded.

Anway, as the night winds down, Alphonse enjoys a game of simon played on the cultist brands of dead men, and Uncle Larry has not ceased his Fire Dance from the afternoon. We go to sleep that night, and none of the women want to be separated from us, their rescuers. We now have a full stable of whores...

OR WE WOULD IF THEY DIDN'T MAGICALLY GET UP IN A ZOMBIE-LIKE STATE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND BEGIN AMBLING OUT OF TOWN...

>>17562908
And I'm the only one who wakes to see this happen.

Well that's not true, because Uncle Larry is still doing his fire dance, but he just doesn't care that all the women are being compelled to shuffle out of town.

I rouse the others, and Alphonse immediately tries to bludgeon some of the ambling women into unconsciousness--but it doesn't work because they seem to already be unconscious.

And that's when I see, high up in the sky, against the silhouette of the moon... what appears to be a person in a pointed hat, mounted upon a broom...

My character has never seen anything like this before...

IT... MUST... BE... AN ALIEN.


TIME FOR A QUICK BREAK.

>>17562944

BUMPING FOR STORYTIEM

>>17563126
DUPLICATING THIS GRAND ACTION!

>>17563240
... he... he's coming back... right?

>>17563312
Yeah got caught up in some other stuff. Grocery run, dinner soon, etc. I'll update for as long as I can until that happens, but after its probably break until 7ish. Then we're in for the long haul of the third session.

>>17561633
>(As an aside, I'm always on board for an Alphonse plan, I don't care HOW retarded it is.)

How could you not be? He is brilliant.

>>17562944
I think I want to have sex with you and your friends. Regardless of your gender.

>>17562944
So just to be clear, there's some witch riding around on a broomstick.

But Bear has never seen this shit before, and is thoroughly convinced that this is some kind of alien trickery. I cast Entangle on the masses of women shambling away, and this roots them in place (saving Alphonse the trouble of killing them all). I then run into the nearest house and grab a broomstick, because apparently you can use them to fly, as this alien is clearly doing... but I can't seem to get that to work.

And then I hear an explosion from outside. The alien has just incinerated all our women in a demonstrative fireball. Arthur and Alphonse are fine, but the women are immolated where they stand.

"WE WILL BE YOUR OPPONENTS, ALIEN, COME DOWN AND FIGHT!", I bellow at the witch.

She just cackles and rides off. I wildshape into an eagle and give chase, but she evokes some shrewd teleportation magic and escapes. I return my groupmates in failure, and tell them that the alien has bested me.

Arthur doesn't care. He just wanted to make it with one of the women and now that's not gonna happen. He blames Alphonse, who says that Arthur wouldn't be able to get it up in the first place. After some bickering, we decide that Dagger Falls now totally sucks, and we should head on to Two Stars.

This concludes Session 2. Unfortunately I don't have the audio for this session yet, but I'll try to get that soon.

Now, we begin Session 3: The Grain Train Massacre.

>>17563456
>Session 3: The Grain Train Massacre.

is the world truly prepared for this? it sounds too epic

omigod omigod omigod FUCK YES HES BACK FUCK YEA

>>17563456
As it happened, the players of Arthur and Uncle Larry were unavailable for this game. Uncle Larry was off in Canada celebrating the birth of his nephew (congrats!), and Arthur was doing something more important, I'm sure.

But that's okay because the player of Alphonse invited one of his friends to join the group, so we had a three person adventure for this session. It took him a good two hours to make his character though, so the beginning is just Alphonse and I.

We begin the session already having arrived in Two Stars. Arthur is training his dad, Rocky-Style, and Uncle Larry is doing the same for his vegetable brother. Alphonse and I are tasked with the job of promoting this colossal fight between titans:

The Spar in Two Stars.

So we try to go to the library, but Two Stars doesn't have one. Instead we go to the next best place: the Nursing Home.

And the Nursing Home is clearly a two-star establishment because it sucks. The roof is leaking, the wallpaper is peeling, and I'm pretty sure the nursing staff abuses the patients. Just as we arrive, a man clad entirely in black leather appears in the streets, seemingly from nowhere (Alphonse had been asking about becoming an assassin, and in order to do so, you need to learn from an assassin; therefore this guy is probably the aforementioned assassin).

And Alphonse immediately insults this guy's appearance ("How much do clothes cost in The Matrix?"). The Assassin, who is apparently very sensitive about his sense of fashion, meekly says that Alphonse is stupid, then vanishes.

Never thought I would have a chance to use this so here goes...

>>17563610
Alphonse and I walk up the steps of the Nursing Home, and are greeted by an old man sitting in a wicker chair on the porch. We begin listening to his deranged rantings

Apparently this guy used to be a bandit king, led a bunch of rapscallions about thirty-forty years ago and robbed travelers and amassed a large amount of treasure, which he buried. Of course, that was before all his friends were killed by THE TREANT NINJA.

This story causes Alphonse physical pain. Alphonse threatens the old man and tells him that he's trying to work on NOT killing people.

The old man responds, "What are you, some kind of psychopath?"

Alphonse just glares. The old man starts ringing a bell, weakly shouting "Help! Help!"

Alphonse walks over and stabs the old man.

"So... uh..." Alphonse says as he releases the knife and the old man slumps over, "...he fell!"

A nurse emerges from a nearby doorway, and shrieks, "What happened!"

We both respond: "He fell."

"Why is he BLEEDING!?" The nurse flips the old man over and screams when she sees the knife.

Alphonse casually remarks: "Oh my god, he fell on a knife. If you came sooner he'd still be alive."

The nurse accosts us: "He fell on a KNIFE? How did he fall on a knife in his chest?!"

I then concoct some story about how the old man pulled a knife on us and started waving it around in a threatening manner, then tried to get up and fell on the knife. Alphonse assists this bluff. The nurse then stammers that knives are not allowed in the nursing home, to which Alphonse and I are incredulous ("Well HE had one, apparently!"). Our bluff is good, and the nurse seems to buy it. She tells us that it's a shame, because he used to be some kind of robin hood figure, "before he fell on hard times."

I dryly say, "Yeah, that's the name of his knife. He was waving it around said 'I'm gonna get ya with hard times here!' Then he fell on it."

gahahaha fell on hard times.... hahahaha

>>17563704
>"before he fell on hard times."
>I dryly say, "Yeah, that's the name of his knife. He was waving it around said 'I'm gonna get ya with hard times here!' Then he fell on it."
my sides!

>>17561797
However, despite killing this old man, Alphonse feels some pangs of regret...

regret for not getting the information about the old man's buried treasure before he killed him. But this is DnD, not even death is permanent, and Alphonse immediately asks the nurse to bring him a Cleric.

The nurse returns with Pic Related.

The cleric immediately starts throwing some attitude at us, and its looking like Alphonse is gonna kill him too. However, Alphonse keeps his cool, and bribes the guy one-hundred gold to bring the body inside the lobby, cast Speak With Dead, and fuck off to someplace else.

Ben Stiller obliges, and we're now talking with the dead old man. He can only respond to questions, so its not like he can immediately accuse us of killing him. Instead, Alphonse gets his suave on.

"Look buddy, I'll make you a good goddamn deal..."

"How can you do make me a deal. I'm DEAD."

"True, but if you tell us where the treasure is, we'll buy you a true resurrect, AND I'll throw in the deed to this tropical island paradise filled with beautiful women. I don't know why I'm not there myself right now!"

This seems to persuade the dead old man, who tells us that the treasure is hidden in "His favorite forest." We look at the map of Faerun and see that the closest forest is called "The Forest of Lethyr"... so we change it to The Laser Forest, because lasers.

Then I remembered something. I just hit 7th level. I can cast one fourth level spell. I can Reincarnate this dead old fuck right here, right now.

I wave my hands around for an hour, and shazam, the old man is Reincarnated... as a Minotaur.

Break for 30 minutes.

>>17563912
That wasn't your bargain at all!

>>17563941
given some of the potential results on the reincarnation table, I'd take it over True res any day.

i love storys.

STORYTIEM UP IN THIS BITCH

>>17563912
The old man, now a Minotaur, begins to strut around. He grunts as he tests his new body.

"This is fucking AWESOME!"

He's not even mad we killed him. Alphonse says, "Great, now you can take us to the treasure yourself."

"Hell YEAH I will, little buddy. I never told you guys my name. I'm Randall, Randall Sauvage. OH YEAH!"

Randall continues to flex. He peeks into his loincloth and begins roaring at how awesome his new dick is. "Now if only I had an axe, I'd be the best minotaur ever!" Alphonse takes this queue to draw an axe on the nursing home wall in magic paint. He removes the axe and gives it to Randall. Best day ever!

We convince Randall to lead us out into the Laser Forest to reclaim his treasure. He keeps talking about how we need to look out for the Treant Ninja, but we both think he's full of shit (Knowledge Nature roll of 2: No such thing as a treant ninja!).

With Daggett accompanying us, we set out into the plains for the Laser Forest. Along the way we encounter a Gorgon (some kind of metal bull that petrifies you with its breath). Randall shouts "I GOT THIS!" and chargest it with his axe. He misses and gets petrified by the breath weapon.

Alphonse and I share a knowing look. "T-Rex treatment? T-Rex treatment."

I dominate animal, Alphonse feeds it a feather token of anchor. A boat anchor splits the Gorgon's head apart, and we wait for the petrification effect to wear off so we can tell Randall how much of a retard he is.

>>17564308
>Die as old man.
>Reincarnate as a FUCKING Minotaur.
FUCK YES.

>>17564308
I wish I was as bad ass of a dm as your's is Storytiem and on a side note you do not sound like I imagined although Arthur does haha

>>17564308
Randall is unfazed, he's only been a minotaur for a couple of hours, so he wasn't expecting to be humbled so quickly. We eventually arrive at the Laser Forest and Randall begins guiding us through. He says that the Treant Ninja is the guardian of travelers, and ambushes bandits. When I try to tell him that we're not bandits, he says "It doesn't work that way little buddy, it just doesn't. OH YEAH!" Randall has also taken to calling Alphonse, "Freakshow." Alphonse tolerates this, at least until we have the treasure, that is.

Suddenly we come across what appears to be a barbarian, camped out in the woods, spanking it to some dryads washing themselves in a nearby river (our third player took too long making his character, so this is how the DM introduced him). Randall introduces us, "Whoa there little dude, have some shame. Say, are those DRYADS? OH YEAH!" Randall hasn't gotten any in upwards of twenty years, so he's pretty hard up.

But Alphonse is a terminal cockblocker, and tells Randall if he doesn't lead them to the treasure, he'll cut Randall's dick off. Their argument alerts the dryads to their presence, and the dryads flee. Randall is pissed, but relents; the barbarian introduces himself as Clint, and says he'll fight for us, as long as we can get him a boat.

I figure that this is a good goddamn deal, as Alphonse has no less than five feather tokens of Swan Boat stashed on his person at the present time. So we all progress onward to Randall's treasure.

FASTER GOD DAMN YOU

>>17564430
Haha, I'm of the opinion that our dm should do voice acting.

>>17564492
(Forgot to mention, Daggett didn't want to come in the Laser Forest, so we left him at the forest's edge to conduct botanical research)

Now, we've been heading through the Laser Forest all day, so night is about to fall. We bed down, but nobody wants to take a watch, because we're all exhausted. So instead, I put my bear companion on watch. I mean, it will wake us if there's trouble, right?

Well, we wake up and the bear is completely gone. There's signs of a massive struggle; blood everywhere, bits of bear fur and flesh, and nobody saw what happened. COOL. But there's trees all around us, and I can fucking TALK TO TREES BECAUSE I'M A DRUID. So I summon up some Talk to Tree action.

"Hey. I'm a druid."

"I'm a tree."

"You see what happened here last night?"

"....What? No."

"But my bear, what happened to my bear?"

"Oh its around."

"Well where is it?"

But as that sentence escapes my lips, I immediately look up, and see the remains of my bear strewn about the branches of the tree I'm currently talking to.

Randall interjects: "IT WAS THE TREANT NINJA ALL RIGHT, OH YEAH!"

Randy Savage, Minotaur. Hell yeah.

>>17564680
So I make a mental note that even though I'm a druid, fuck trees. I take two casts each of Warp Wood and Wood Shape as some of my prepared spells per day. (Also, I'm completely indifferent to my bear being killed because... I can just do the druid dance for 24 hours and get a new one. Bear is becoming more and more evil).

So from the rest of my conversation with the tree, I learn that the treant ninja is called Quick Root, and he's some ancient elemental of the forest. Rather than trying to track him down and find him, though, Alphonse decides to lure him to us.

So Alphonse begins pasting trees in alchemist fire and sets the thicket ablaze.

Almost immediately, a huge boulder flies through the air and clips Alphonse, who barely makes a reflex save to dodge it. Quick Root is upon us.

He begins shouting about how much he hates humans in his forest, but only I understand because he's speaking in sylvan. Randall charges Quick Root, looking for vengeance for all his men; Alphonse and Clint delay their actions, and Quick Root starts animating trees.

Then it's my turn, and I just read the part about Warp Wood where it lets you warp a Huge object with two successive casts.

>>17564755
So I shoot Warp Wood #1 at Quick Root and he fails to resist. His legs contort into crinkled shapes, subsequently immobilizing him.

On my next turn I complete the Warp Wood #2, and Quick Root fails again. Now I can warp his entire shape as I see fit.

"Form of... Swan Boat."

Quick root contorts into a swan boat shape, with his face at the prow. His face is still screaming obscenities at me, cursing my lineage forever. "That's nice." I tell him. "Maybe when you learn to play with others I'll unwarp you. For now, enjoy being a boat."

I turn to the barbarian and say "Here's your boat!" Alphonse chimes in, "You know what I love to do on boats? CARVE MY INITIALS IN THEM!" Alphonse climbs in and begins carving pictures into the side of the boat. Quick Root is all but whimpering now. Our DM believes this is probably the most evil thing we've ever done, as a party.

At any rate, Alphonse adds the finishing touch by using his magic paints to draw hinges and seams on the boat, making it collapsible, and therefore more easily transported.

Afterwards, Randall finally leads us to his treasure hiding spot, which is just a big dark hole in the ground. Without any forewarning, Randall jumps down into the hole... and we hear no further communication from him.

I wildshape into a rat and climb down the walls of the hole, only to see a spike pit at the bottom, with Randall's impaled corpse stuck in it.

"GOD DAMN IT I GOTTA REINCARNATE YOU AGAIN NOW..."

>>17564828
Alphonse and Clint make it down the hole easily, and avoid the spike pit. A hallway leads off at the base of the hole, lit by everburning torches. I wave my hands for an hour and reincarnate Randall... again.

This time he comes back as a gnome, and exclaims "WHAT THE HELL, THAT'S NOT MY TRAP, I DIDN'T PUT THAT THERE!"

We all think Randall got soft in his old age and forgot about his traps. Gnome Randall leads us down the hallway, and we come to a swinging bladed pendulum, which blocks our path. Randall says that this trap is one of his, and times his jump to get through...

He jumps through the swing of the pendulum, but appears to fall through the floor on the other side. We hear him scream until he hits the bottom. Great. A dispel magic reveals that there's an illusory floor on the other side. I use Stone Shape to disable the pendulum, and we cross the second pit trap. Clint and I lower Alphonse into the pit with some rope, so he can gather the body of Randall. We might need to reincarnate him again later.

Not the brightest ex-adventurer, is he?

>>17564895
We come up on a sign that says "Certain Death Awaits."

Immediately after the sign is a hallway bordered by two large monster statues. I summon a bear and tell it to run past the two statues. Sure enough, the eyes of each statue begin glowing red, and the summoned bear gets vaporized as it tries to pass.

Alphonse casts Obscuring Mist, and we send another summoned bear through. This time, the bear passes unscathed, so we all go through.

Finally, we come up to a room with a sign on it that says: "DOUBLE CERTAIN DEATH AWAITS."

We incredulously open the door, and it's filled to the brim with treasure. Clint goes right over to the other side of the room and begins inspecting several profiled items: a crown, necklace, banjo, and sword.

Clint puts on the crown, and it immediately shifts his alignment to his polar opposite. He was chaotic neutral, now he is lawful neutral. Almost as fast as he put it on, he places the crown back on its pedestal and says "We shouldn't be stealing this stuff."

Alphonse and I manage to convince him that the owner of all this stuff is dead... at least temporarily, so it's not stealing!

This gives him credence to try the other magical shit in the room, such as the necklace...

But as he's about to put it on, I shout out "WAIT DON'T, IT COULD BE A NECKLACE OF CHOKE-YOU-TO-DEATH"

He puts it on anyway. Guess what, it WAS a necklace of choke-you-to-death.

Sounds like it's little Clint's first visit to the DnD world. How long did he last? was it an hour? more?

>>17564973

poor clint.

>>17564973
So now, Alphonse and I are a little uneasy to try out the Banjo and the Sword by ourselves... I mean, neither of us have a death wish, and the room said DOUBLE CERTAIN DEATH.

So we camp out for the night and reincarnate Randall, so that he can tell us about his stash. But this time, Randall comes back as a female gnome, and he wants absolutely nothing to do with us any longer. He runs away, and we attempt to chase him down the hall... right into the laser statues.

We figure that Randall will get zapped to death, but they don't fire on him. We resolve that there's no way out of this place without rope, and WE have the rope, so we'll just get Randall later. Alphonse and I wait another eight hours so I can reincarnate again, and we bring Clint back, as a human.

Clint WAS a dwarf, if I forgot to mention, and now none of his equipment fits him, so he's just gonna be naked for the rest of the adventure.

We carefully place the magic banjo into a bag of holding, but as it is accidentally strummed, we notice random magical effects happening (it seems to be a rod of wonder). And this brings us to the sword. Clint fearlessly grabs the sword, and notices that he feels powerful, but we still don't know what it does.

So we pile all the rest of the treasure into our hefty of holding, and exit this certain death filled dungeon. Randall did manage to find a way out, and is nowhere to be seen.

Clint, Alphonse, and I have to decide what to do next... and the answer presents itself. We have to get revenge for all those poor people in Dagger Falls, because the Grain Train didn't give them food, and they had to resort to cannibalism.

Makes total sense. Just so happens that the Grain Train begins its route around these parts. So we set out an ambush, armed with our new toys.

>>17565040
So...alien invasion, not such a biggie any more, then?

F5F5F5F5F5

Also- postin' in an Storyteim thread

>>17565094
We couldn't advance the main plot without Arthur or Uncle Larry, so Alphonse and I did what we do best.

>>17565040
So on the way there, Clint is now having moral qualms about attacking the Grain Train. He's lawful neutral now, ad this is against his nature.

He says that neither of us are judges, and we can't pass judgement on the Grain Train, we have to call the cops or something. But I tell Clint that HE is a judge, and that we're not bringing the Grain Train to trial... we're bringing them to JUSTICE.

(Bear in mind I don't know that our party was responsible for Dagger Falls not being able to pay the Grain Train. I had assumed they were some kind of nonprofit food distribution service)

And that's how Alphonse and I managed to convince a Lawful Neutral character to participate in the highjacking and ransacking of the Grain Train. We acquired some information about the Grain Train's routes, and camped out on the main road to meet it when it arrived. In the meantime, Clint killed a bear to cloth his naked self in a bear loincloth. I was going to be upset about this, but then I remembered that I'm also wearing bearskin.

This is awesome you're awesome your party is awesome and you should feel awesome

>>17565182
Alphonse has dug himself a little hole on the side of the road, which he covers with leaves and hides in, so that he can take the Grain Train by surprise. Clint and I are less subtle. We're just camping out in the middle of the road itself. While we were waiting for the Grain Train, I did my druid dance for 24 hours and got a new bear companion, promising to let this one be slightly less expendable.

After days of waiting for the Grain Train, it finally arrives. It's a big train of covered wagons, lashed together, and pulled by a large horse team. Clint stands in the way of the Grain Train as it draws near, holding his newly acquired greatsword pointed into the ground.

Clint calls out to the driver of the Grain Train to stand and answer for his crimes.

The driver has absolutely no fucking idea what Clint is talking about.

Clint goes on to say that because they were not given food, the citizens of Dagger Falls resorted to cannibalism, and ate each other. Their deaths rest heavy upon the shoulders of the Grain Train establishment, and those responsible must answer for their crimes.

The driver is not knowing what to make of the rantings of a half-naked barbarian wearing a rotting bear skin, so he responds "Uh... let me get my boss."

A lavishly dressed man with a French accent appears, and he says that Dagger Falls couldn't afford to pay, so they didn't get food.

I move out of the brush and stand by Clint. I too shout judgements at the Grain Train, but Clint is filled with righteous fury, and charges the Grain Train with his greatsword.

ARCHIVE THIS SHIT NAO

My F5 isn't working. MUST. PRESS. HARDER.

>>17565376
"We're under attack!" yells the Frenchman.

A squad of armed men dismount the Grain Train and meet Clint's charge. I wildshape into a dire bear and assist Clint. My bear erupts from the thicket at my command and tears the throat out of a nearby guard.

Alphonse busts out of his hiding hole and chucks knives at two passing guards. He heads over to the undercarriage of a wagon and begins drawing holes in it with his magic paints.

Meanwhile on the frontlines, Clint and I are hacking our way through the guard squad. Clint pops his Barbarian rage and begins plowing through dudes. My bear and I are also wrecking shit.

JUST THEN the Frenchmen appears, thirty feet in the air. Fuck he's some kind of wizard, and he's about to hit us with a Tri-Beam or something. Well thankfully he doesn't hit us with a Tri-Beam, instead it's just a Fireball.

I manage to save and take half, but Clint and my bear eat full damage. I five-foot out of the melee range of the guards, and aim a Dispel Magic at the Frenchman. It succeeds and ends his flight spell, which causes him to fall out of the sky and land straight on his ass. When the guards see this, they begin to flee, and my bear and I run over where the wizard fell. Meanwhile, on the opposite side of the Grain Train, Clint is fully enraged and is mowing down fleeing guards.

And Alphonse? He's picking off the people that got away from us.

>>17565545
The Frenchman has fallen at the junction of two wagons, and is still prone by the time I get there. Two archers emerge from the wagons near the Frenchman, but flee at the sight of two bears running at them.

Clint continues his rampage on the other side of the Grain Train as I have my bear pin the wizard to the ground and turn myself back into a human. I shout "DO YOU YIELD?"

"Never!" shouts the Frenchman.

Just then, I see some guards attempting to flee through the gap between the wagons, then see my bear pinning the wizard...

Then I see Clint chase them down and cleave through them. Seeing as we have captured the leader, Clint attempts to stop raging.

The DM tells him it doesn't work. The Sword prolongs his rage.

So now Clint has to attack something and targets the grapple between my bear and the Frenchman. He's got a 50% chance to hit either target because they're in a grapple.

>>17565464
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17555364/
here you lazy faggot

>>17565637
So naturally, he cleaves my bear's fucking head off.

The Frenchman takes this opportunity to cast a point blank Hellfire on me, doing some serious damage. I manifest a Totemic Transformation to gain natural attacks, and tear out the Frenchman's throat.

Clint attempts to stop raging again. He can't. He has to attack something, and I just killed the last legal target in range...

"Uh Clint, why you looking at me like that?"

Clint five-foot steps to me and full-rounds. One of his attacks is an unconfirmed crit, and I take some massive damage.

If he doesn't stop raging next round, I only have one option, and that's to five foot and entangle him, hoping he fails his reflex save. This will buy me time to wildshape into an eagle and escape.

So I five foot step and entangle.

He beats the save DC by one.

Still raging, Clint five foot steps to me and cuts me in half.

>>17565720

fucking clint.

>>17565720
so, what, we're up to four deaths for storytiem now?

>>17565720
Clint continues to rage for a few more rounds, maniacally hacking away at my dead body. He regains his composure by the time Alphonse returns from eliminating 100% of the stragglers.

Alphonse says: "What happened to the bear guy?"

Clint responds, "I killed him. I will turn myself in to the proper authorities."

Alphonse draws closer and whispers, "We do things a different way out here."

Alphonse launches into Clint, and begins hacking away. Alphonse has three levels on Clint; Clint never stood a chance. Alphonse takes a greatsword hit, but is not really worse for wear. He collects the remains of Bear and Clint and stashes them in one of the Grain Train wagons.

(At this point we remembered that we found the sword in the DOUBLE CERTAIN DEATH room... and it turned out to actually be DOUBLE CERTAIN DEATH.)

Alphonse loads up the Grain Train with some other random supplies and repairs the holes he made with his paints... I mean, he's got the grain train now, he doesn't need to steal from it anymore. He drives the train back to its last stop, where some of the locals are surprised to see the Grain Train again. Alphonse steps out and asks for directions, but is immediately questioned by one of the locals, who is alarmed that none of the crew appear to be on the train.

Alphonse says that there was a bandit attack, and that he just happened to come across an empty grain train, "Go check the bodies up the road if you don't believe me!"

>>17565775
Yeah I tend to die every three sessions or so. That's about the frequency with which I do writeups as well. Only Alphonse hasn't died yet.

>>17565806
So this random trucker guy starts accosting Alphonse, saying that children shouldn't be near battles. Alphonse tells the guy to come closer, so that he can tell him a secret. The guy leans in...

...and Alphonse brains him with a dagger. The people looking on don't notice it at first, but when the man slumps over, leaking blood from his bald head, they understand exactly what happened.

Alphonse shouts out. "THIS ISN'T THE GRAIN TRAIN. THIS IS THE PAIN TRAIN, AND IT WAS NEVER HERE. YOU GOT THAT?"

The townsfolk nod.

"AND ONE MORE THING. BURY YOUR FRIEND."

"Oh sir he's not our friend, we had nothing to do with him, nosiree we did not." one of the other wagon drivers mumbles.

"I SAID. BURY. YOUR. FRIEND."

With that, the townsfolk scatter off in different directions as fast as they can.

Alphonse hops back in the driver's seat, and sets a course for Two Stars, to reunite with the rest of the party.
And that is where we will be resuming next week.

superb.

I await the continuation.

>mfw

thanks man

>>17565885
So as to a new character, I think I have to continue my previous characters' bloodline somehow in order to tie into the main question... but the only option left is to play their father.

In the backstory I kind of had kicking around, Smokey and Bear's father was the greatest salesman in all of Faerun, up until his luck turned sour and met with financial ruin. His favorite son, Smokey, never gave a fuck and just smoked weed to cope; so he took it all out on Bear, who had massive abandonment issues.

But that's neither here nor there. Basically I think I'm gonna make an evangelist cleric with a penchant for selling hokey products and phony religion. I think that way Alphonse and I can get back to our old rhetoric better than I was able to do with Bear.

OH. AUDIO LINKS.
I clipped this week's audio into five hour-long pieces from the original. I did some cleanup work trying to remove background noise and boost the levels in general. There's a lot of dead air, unfortunately, so skip around until you get to a good part.

https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B1ikpLwyPUlZODQ2ZmVmZjQtN2E5Ny00YzQ0LTlkNmEtN2M4ZjcyMDZjNDMz

https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B1ikpLwyPUlZN2FhY2UwODUtMzQyYS00MjE2LWIwNzMtMTZmMzYxNjYxMzg1

https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B1ikpLwyPUlZMTJkYWExNTUtYzdhYS00NGFlLWIyODQtMGI1OTIxMjQwOGMx

https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B1ikpLwyPUlZMDdmZmY0MjAtNmMxNi00MDBhLWFlYWYtMjMzYmVjZTdjNzFm

https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B1ikpLwyPUlZMDA2MzkwNWMtMmQwMi00NWRhLTlkZjQtZDUwYzhkYzUwYjQw

>>17565885
>Only Alphonse hasn't died yet.

he is perfect

are all his characters this evil/crazy he plays it well

>>17565094
This is the first time I ever played a game with him. From what I hear, he usually DM's and his campaigns are the kind where you bring a couple of character sheets, because you're probably gonna die a couple of times.

So far my current deaths are 50% personal negligence and 50% chance. Smokey and Bear died to chance. My first two died because I was being stupid and ignoring consequences.

Also I fucking love this banner.

>>17566146
Wait, is that one of ours?

>>17566296
That was the original rap thread. I was Sword n' Board before I was STORYTIEM.

Oh wow, that was years before my time.

By the way... I'm still waiting for this drawing to be finished. I've tried contacting Siege multiple times and he never responds.

Does any other drawfriend want to take up the mantle and finish what he started?

>>17566635
I feel like you should podcast your sessions I know for sure I at least would tune in....

>>17566718
We've given a lot of thought to starting up a website and doing podcasts. I will definitely post to /tg/ when we do something like that.

>>17566790
That would be awesome... I love your guys audio it is amazing... and seems to be able to give me the fix I need since the group I dm is on a break and the group I play in is on hiatus until we figure out whats up with one of our players...

I'd listen, if not live, then recodings.

4LPHONS3 1S TH1S YOU
HEHEHEHEHEHE

>>17566816
Thanks man, we really appreciate the kind words, and the positive feedback from everyone else as well.

>>17567120
No I don't think he even knows what homestuck is. I don't really follow it either, to be honest.

>>17567120

Sounds like some liberal hippy bullshit. Sure don't.

>>17567120
>THIS IS BULLSHIT
HEY NOOKWHIFFER! YOUR ANNOYING MOUTH-FARTS MADE MY GODDAMN BRAIN EXPLODE WITH THEIR INTENSITY AND GENERAL PLEASANT AROMA. IT'S LIKE WAKING UP, AND GOING, "WHAT IS THAT GLORIOUS SMELL? IS IT COFFEE? PANCAKES?" FUCK NO. IT'S YOUR MOUTH DIARRHEA EXPANDING MY THINK PAN. YOUR EVERY BREATH IS A GODDAMN MIRACLE. SOMEBODY GO GET GAMZEE SO HE CAN ADEQUATELY WEATHER-TROLL THE KIND AND SEVERITY OF MIRACLES GOING ON HERE. DO I NEED A FUCKING UMBRELLA TO DEAL WITH ALL THESE MIRACULOUS FACTS SPEWING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH LIKE ANGRY-LOOKING FART CLOUDS?

>>17567120
>cosplayers

>>17567759

>Homestuck cosplayers

The worst breed of them all.

>>17567811
>>17567759
>>17567362
>>17567120
Yeah, Homestuck community is bloody awful. Comuc's decent though.
(I should know about community, being a part of it)

>>17561259

And here I thought our DM was the only one who used characters that are Old Gregg.

Also, this story is good and you should feel good.

>storytiem used to be one of the founders of the Lich Rap Battle /tg/ memetic thread

WHAT THE FUUUCK. WHY IS /TG/'S NAME/TRIPFAG POPULATION ALMOST ENTIRELY BIZARRO NAME/TRIPFAGS WHO MAKE MASSIVE CONTRIBUTIONS REGULARLY AND ARE ALL AROUND REALLY COOL POSTERS?

Deathleaper's Fangirl, resident xenophile who has ABSURDLY MASSIVE art folders of the nonpornographic variety and fills dumps past their breaking point with these pictures. Someone Else, who I can't remember anything specific about but who is generally a cool guy, and after reviewing the archives, was responsible for the Emprahesque. Alpharius, who has vast libraries of obscure lore for many universes, most notably The Elder Scrolls and Warhammer 40,000, the former of which he has devoted MASSIVE amounts of time to exploring the metaphysics of, within his brain. BLORP, a new entry, who does Evo Quest- which is slowly starting to get back on schedule- and is generally an awesome quest DM. Ribbonfag, who of course made the Ribbon comics and may have, if he is to be believed, been involved in a ton of /tg/ gittery, such as the story of the shitslapping of Lord Ulcik of Neckbeardium. And of course, many others. Not the least of which is our host, STORYTIEM, AKA Sword n' Board.

Seriously, guys, how can we be the only board with tripfags and namefags who AREN'T COLOSSAL CUNTS, and at that, in excessive quantities?

>>17569051
Just lucky, I suppose. Thank the Emprah.

This is some epic stuff, dude. I applaud you.

>>17569051
Because /tg/ already has had their shit tripfags.

Red Machine D (I must say, after recently running into him on 420chan, he has become a better man. Must be the drugs.), Jim Profit and Spanish Fly.

>>17569051
/tg/'s had its fair share of dicklicker namefags and tripfags. It's just that we've managed to see most of the batch banned (Zhakuvaan, Jim Profit) or driven away (Edward).

>>17569051
While your point is accurate, I must say that DLFG posts mostly reposts. And a lot of the history fags owe a lot to the contributing anons who help break down and make sense of some of the more ridiculous lore found in gaming.

It ain't just tripfags, it's the community.

>>17569051
>Ribbonfag
Permabanned, didn't he say?

>>17569051
While I'd love to take credit, Alpharius is a /tg/ized type of anon. There isn't be only one of me.

And in fact, there shouldn't be.

>>17569051
Also, MR. RAGE and FG Scriptarius.

>>17569158
What are you saying? Everyone is me and I am everyone.

We're all the same man, we're all God!

>>17569195
As soon as script makes a effort to IMPROVE his modelling I'll take notice. Also he can't paint for shit.
As of now his shit is shockingly mediocre. Better stuff gets posted in the "post your work" threads.

>>17569226
I/You/ got to admit, he has quite some money to spend.

>>17569051
I think it's because /tg/ namefags only use the name when they actually have something to say.

And I haven't even bothered to get a tripcode. As far as I know people haven't bothered to impersonate it, and you all would know if it was the real deal or not. I'll continue to bring quality content to /tg/ as long as I'm fortunate enough to experience it!

>>17569051
Because nearly all of, me included, only bothered adopting names and trips AFTER we had contributed something meaningful.

>>17569237
And he still makes things that any average modeller could.
Cutting apart a fifty dollar mini for a hand isn't what I would call high-level modelling.

>>17569101
>>17569107
True. They were obnoxious in the early days, so the legends go. Though the only one I've really heard much about is Jim Profit, who worryingly is managing to avoid his permaban now and again and shit things up ever so slightly, but the mods are quick to send him tumbling back into the void. I admit to newfaggotry, I simply wasn't a patron of /tg/ until the last few years.

Tell me, what were these fellows like? There's very little record of them.

>>17569120
Aye. He was a casualty of the Janitor Wars, sadly. Hasn't done much of anything since last I checked; Ribbon is in limbo and he doesn't post anymore.

>>17569158
Really, now. So the various Alpharius's live up to their namesake. The more you know!

>>17569195
Aha! Thank you. How could I forget about them? Shame on me, I'm a bit tired, y'see.

>>17569239
/tg/ is too high class to have impersonation going on. On a completely unrelated note, would you mind having my bastard psychopathic dick-stabbing spawn, Mr. STORYTIEM?

>>17569264
That's true too. I'm so sorry, I completely forgot you did Emprahsque, I really enjoyed those threads!

>>17569304
Zhakuvaan was a weird fellow. Tended to double-link posts he was quoting, and unfailingly avatarfagged as Yui from K-On. Claimed to have a complex against people playing the opposite gender, despite *avatarfagging as Yui from K-On*. Was a generally awful shitposter.

>>17569304
>/tg/ is too high class to have impersonation going on.

Not true at all. I only adopted a trip because someone tried to claim credit for the work I did on Car Lesbians.

>>17569316
Thanks! It's not over yet, either. Once Tales of the Emperasque 2: Vulkan's Shopping trip is over and done with, I'm rebooting Emperasque Quest: Warzone Lucresti. I botched it the first time.

>>17569335
Sounds like a git, but not much worse than most of the trip and namefag shitposters that you find on the other boards. Particularly /v/, which is RIFE with people just like this Zhakuvaan. What about Spanish Fly?

>>17569356
God, you're responsible for Car Lesbians too? Did you also make or purchase all my favorite things and an adorable puppy for Second Christmas this year?

>>17569264
I use this trip sometimes, usually only when I want to share a story.

Yes, I enjoy the rare times when someone goes 'Oh man, that post you made was epic.'.

>>17569421
That's why Zhakuvaan isn't talked about much. He was a shitty namefag, but not a LEGENDARILY shitty namefag like Jim Profit.

I don't think I ever caught Spanish Fly.

Does anyone happen to know if the Pain Wizard guy's story ever continued? I kind of want to know what happened in that one!

>>17569454
I see. What about Red Machine D and Edward?

>>17569304
I still have Jim Profit's girlfriend on MSN.

He posts pictures. Someone recognizes the picture and links it. I add her on MSN, and since her Myspace said she was single I asked her what was up.

Turns out, he simply googled around for a girl on Myspace with good looks who said something about Warhammer on her page (I think she played Dark Angels on DoW).

While /tg/ was laughing in Jim Profits American face about him "being in a relationship" with an Australian girl (which he replied to that she was going to move or something), I got her so far to post in the thread.

I don't like to say it nowadays, but many oldschool lulz were had that day.

>>17569421
I didn't "make" car lesbians. Viral, one of the most underrated and AWESOME namefags we've ever had, "made" car lesbians. I just wrote the advertising taglines and few random encounters.
http://1d4chan.org/wiki/Category:Viral_Games

>>17569499
I actually can't remember what was bad about Red Machine D.

Aside from him being fat.

I think he was the first tripfag that did something dumb for all to see, and we kind of... like... kept calling him fat whenever he posted.

It were simpler times back then.

>>17569584
Angry, ginger and a total No Mutants Allowed grog.

He wasn't any worse than your average /tg/ troll warrior, but because he posted his face and name everywhere, you got to know and hate him on a personal level.

>>17569499
Red Machine D was before my time, Edward was a creepy That Guy with weird fetishes who apparently once said that he wanted to fuck his cat or some shit like that.

>>17569584
Was that the large ginger dude that wanted to open a shop and posted his pic and /tg/ had a field day shooping everything from viking hats to cats onto him?

Storytiem, due to work, I've missed your past several threads.

I miss my old gaming group so much more, now. This is the kind of shit that we'd get into semi-reguarly.

>>17569646
>a total No Mutants Allowed grog.

Well, that tells me all I need to know about him.

>>17569304
>would you mind having my bastard psychopathic dick-stabbing spawn, Mr. STORYTIEM?
I don't think I'm equipped for that, sir.

I remember there used to be a somewhat active steam community for the expatriates of /tg/. Ribbon hung out there, and we'd play league of legends occasionally and he'd make fun of how awful I was.

I mean, I'm still bad at that game and I fucking hate it and everyone who plays it, but that's neither here nor there.

>>17569584
>>17569646
So he was fat and a prime example of why No Mutants Allowed is generally a shitty site? Sounds pretty bad. I never really paid it much attention, mind you, but I remember checking out the forums. In particular, the freeform RP section, for some giggles.

And they were really, REALLY bad. Far more than I bargained for. Like the East Coast Brotherhood suddenly becoming even more villainous and prickish than the Enclave in one of the threads, establishing a dominion over the capital and generally being cocks; the first few posts if I recall detailed a SO COOL AND EDGY fuck capping a Paladin in the face, just for standing guard and making sure everything was in order in a marketplace. He did this through power armor with a pistol if I recall. It still hurts remembering that shit.

>>17569647
Fucking his cat? Ew. Kinks and fetishes usually don't faze me- this is /tg/ after all- but using a self-aware being as a masturbatory aid is pretty god damn nasty. I guess that just leaves Spanish Fly, who noone seems to remember anything about besides a name.

>>17569708
Sad, but he'd probably murder me, set me on fire and roll me for my organs anyways.

League of Legends? The DoTA clone? My Serbian penpal was interested in that a bit ago, strangely. Multiplayer gittery isn't usually his thing, but he thought it was worth a try. We then remembered the fact that he's in southeastern Europe and I'm on the West Coast of the USA, and I'm fairly certain it has dedicated servers, so it wasn't exactly viable. But do tell me, what went wrong in your foray into League of Legends?

>>17569865
Oh I still play it, but more out of habit than anything. I mean, it's free. I just can't stand the community and the sense of entitlement of everybody that walks into a game lobby with you. The scum of the earth play this game, and when you call them out on it, they report you. It's a game I can't stand to play without friends, but often have to because they're never on.

>>17569894
This. Though it's really no worse than any other MOBA game out there. Zero tolerance for newbies, you either play the game perfectly or get screamed at/reported for being an inexperienced player (which is a viable report reason in LoL, but it doesn't get you banned, just resets your matchmaking rank or something like that).

>>17569894
Ahhhh. Of course the COMMUNITY is fucking awful, you silly goit! It's a MoBA! MoBA players are the isometric-view-game equivalent of COWADOOTY teen and young adult, xxx420fuckingxxXnigguhsxxxshootinxXxbitchesxXXXXSO MANY FUCKING X'S asshats. The game itself is average, I expect?

>>17569926
Well, that sucks if you give a shit about your E-Peen. So the staff circumvents the entire E-Peen construction system and kicks you back to the beginner's leagues if someone talks shit about you to an admin? Harsh, and ridiculous. I assume this gets many decent or good players sent back for making a small mistake, or just as scapegoats, where they proceed to rape face and disrupt the lower level leagues?

>>17569991
>>17569926
>>17569894
Community isn't great but it isn't that bad either. People blow it out of proportion a lot when someone casually calls them out for sucking, which happens in ANY team game. Reporting is lame, never seen anyone actually do it seriously though.
There's guides for learning characters so it's not exactly hard to get into unless you're lazy as shit or can't read.

League of Legends is free.
Heroes of Newerth is free.
Dota is free. (DL game client, there's private servers)
Dota2 is free. (If you're on beta, and is the best currently in my opinion asides form the original.)

It's all dota.

sage for vidya.

>>17569926
I am one of the people who gets raged at, and I deserve every second of it, but it's still not my fault. See, I used singed to surf the wave of retards to level 30, but now I am stuck way out of my league if I don't play singed, with no transferable skills at all, because singed play is so fucking nuts.

>>17570049
I've heard a few stories about people taking it that seriously from friends who play.

>>17569991
It doesn't COMPLETELY reset it, it just adjusts it down a bit so you're more likely to end up with other newbs than you were before.

>>17570133
I've heard of kids getting stabbed over games of dota. But usually it doesn't get stupid until the much higher tiers of play or whatever when people actually give a shit about their rankings and queue in teams, solo queue is always a joke.

And if you're playing enough dota to get to that upper tier, it's like bro what the fuck, go get on another game. Because as fun as it is, playing 8 hours a day is dumb as shit unless you plan on playing in them million dollar tourneys.

sage for vidya

bump

be aliiiiive

what are you doing on page 14?

back to the frontpage with you!

LIVE... LIIIIIIIVE!

I'll bump this thread for any fa/tg/uys that missed it.

bump

spoilers on /tg/ haha