So after the mantis attack, I tell Alphonse and Arthur about some old abandoned fortress ruins down the road. Bandits like to make camp there, and we can probably rack up some experience taking them out... I mean, shit I had to get to 4th level somehow.

So we head down to the ruins as the sun begins to set. I tell Alphonse and Arthur to wait here while I scope out the place. I enter the ruins through an old rotting door, and look around. But just as I get through, the door slams shut, and a giant spider appears suddenly out of thin air.

Alphonse and Arthur hear me screaming "AW FUCK ITS A SPIDER AAUUUGHHAHAHHG" from the other side of the wall. Arthur tries to bust down the door, but it won't budge. Alphonse, instead climbs up the wall, crawls through an open window hole, and emerges into a room. Inside this room is an old wizard, waving his glowing hands as he looks down at me getting mauled by a spider.

oh sweet jeebus its happening again

>>16809114
Alphonse creeps over to the wizard and shanks him in the kidney, killing him pretty much instantly. The spider disappears, the door unlocks, and Alphonse heaves the wizard's body over to the window and throws him over. Alphonse then begins cursing and begins throwing the rest of the items in the room out the window.

"You incompetent assholes," Alphonse begins, "I swear I gotta do EVERYTHING around here , this is HORSE SHIT."

I babble something about spiders, and how my next favored enemy is definitely going to be insects. (we then learn that insects fall under the category of "vermin", and we have a good laugh about how giant mantises would be considered 'varmints'.)

Type. Faster.

>>16809133
AT ANY RATE, we spend some more days dicking around in the forest, killing random creatures and exploring stuff, and when we finally return to town, a MIRACULOUS CHANGE has taken place.

The previous HNIC of the town was Gaston, and apparently there's been some kind of upheaval, because the crime syndicates have been eradicated under the rule of FREDERICK THE PALADIN. Frederick now runs the place, and Gaston has "seen the light" and has taken up an oath of atonement.

Now, being the party of morally ambiguous homicidal maniacs that we are, we decide to go see Frederick. We manage to meet Freddy and his posse in a town square and introduce ourselves as the local badass brigade. Freddy says that everyone gets a second chance in life, as long as they promise to atone for their deeds, and charges us to go on an atonement quest.

>STORYTIEM

>>16809159
Tim takes exception to this, and claims he's not evil.

"But I'm not evil."

"...Yeah you are."

"No I'm not."

"Detect Evil. Yeah, you're evil."

"Well I don't want to be good."

"But this atonement quest will help your soul..." blah blah.

Tim begrudgingly agrees, and then we all agree that yes, lets go atone for something. And our quest shall be to go to whatever the fuck monastery kept sending our party those shitty monks (my two previous characters, F. Zhaero and Danny Gorf), and kill them dead. In the name of Good. Or whatever.

Alphonse pipes up, "Well uh, they're on an island, so give us a boat Frederick."

"My child, I cannot provide you with everything."

"Then what the fuck good ARE YOU?"

"I-"

"It was a rhetorical question asshole!"

So we head down to the docks to procure passage to the island where that monastery is located.

Gahd. I love your stories.

>>16809197
Now, once we get to the docks, Alphonse does the talking with the wharfmaster:

"Okay buddy, listen, we need a boat to take us to this island."

"No boats goin out there, sorry."

"We're on a quest to go there, on a mission from Frederick."

"Yeah sorry, no boats go out there."

"Then, uh... give us a boat and put it on Frederick's tab, we're running his fucking errands anyway."

Alphonse rolls some massive bluff, and convinces the wharfmaster that Frederick is good for payment on a boat. While Alphonse is swindling the wharfmaster, Tim goes off alone in search of a crew, and manages to recruit some pirates from a local tavern.

But he tells these pirates that he will only pay them if they "have his back, in case some shit goes down and I need to kill my companions."

Tim returns with his pirate crew, as the rest of us inspect our boat, and we set off for Evil Monk Island.

Your players are RP gods.
I wish I had an RP'er like Alf in our group.

>>16809239
The voyage is uneventful. I get high, Arthur practices swordery with pirates, Tim broods, and Alphonse keeps busy hating everybody. We come up on the island, which contains a rocky mountain with a visible castle keep near the top, a forest at the base, and a dock on the beach.

Alphonse comes up with the idea of burning the dock, so that no ships will get be able to land. Fucking brilliant. We land on the opposite side of the island, tell the pirates to wait the fuck on the boat, and start sneaking through the forest to the dock , so we can burn it down.

Tim takes off into the forest, because he likes to be sneaky and be out of party combat as much as possible. I run off after him, thinking that he needs help. Alphonse and Arthur carry the oil to the dock, as Alphonse berates Arthur the entire way.

Tim comes up on some monk lookouts in the woods; it appears they saw our boat. I, however, do not see the lookouts, and I clumsily walk right up to Tim.

"What's going on buddy?"

Tim IMMEDIATELY freaks out and takes off running, and then I understand why. The lookouts start peppering me with arrows, and I tear ass through the forest to get away. I manage to shake them, and climb up a tree, waiting with an arrow drawn for anyone that comes close. The lookouts are nowhere to be found, and I climb back down and head towards the dock to meet up with Al and Arthur.

>>16809269
>Alf
>good RPer
>12 years old
>picks up a wizard and pushes him out a window
Alf is the worst thing in this thread. It's a good story, though. Sounds like a blast.

MAKE MORE WORDS

>>16809307
Alf is a character, not a player

>>16809297
So Al and Arthur are walking down the beach towards the dock, and Arthur is carrying two crates of flammable oil. As they get near, Alphonse tells Arthur to wait on top of a sand dune:

"Wait? What do you mean you want me to wait?"

"JUST WHAT IT FUCKIN SOUNDS LIKE, REAL SMART GUY! JUST WAIT HERE"

"So I just wait here. Even if I see you getting chased by ten dudes, I wait here."

"EXACTLY, JUST WAIT. YOU'RE SO BRILLIANT."

Alphonse takes an oil cask to the docks, and as he's about to open it, an arrow catches him in the shoulder. Al turns around, and sees a squad of about five monks running out of the woods, two of whom are armed with crossbows. Al stabs the oil cask and kicks it down the length of the dock, then runs down the dock, screaming "THIS IS HORSE SHIT"

The monks run by Arthur, who waits, and they continue onto the dock. Alphonse takes out some flint and sparks it up. As the dock ignites, Al dives into the water.

Meanwhile I'm seeing some action from the edge of the treeline on the beach, and I begin running towards the burning dock. Monks are jumping off the pier into the water, and Alphonse starts trying to shank people in the water. The fight moves back onto land , as Alphonse shouts to Arthur: "YOU CAN FUCKING STOP WAITING ANYTIME NOW"

>>16809373
Arthur hulks out and dives right into combat, as wussy monk fists rain ineffectually upon his ridiculous armor. By this time, I'm on the scene, and I'm filling people with arrows. More monks emerge out of the woods, but the three of us completely lay waste to an entire squad, with Alphonse a little worse for the wear. Tim finally emerges from the woods as we're killing the last monk, and shoots a magic missile at him.

Tim then runs off in the direction of the castle keep, leaving Al, Arthur, and I on the beach. Alphonse starts berating Arthur. I look at Arthur and say, "Y'know when I was a boy my pa used to whoop the tar out of me for bein fresh". I light up a fresh ciggaweed.

Arthur grapples Alphonse and succeeds. Alphonse fails his escape artist.

Arthur begins to spank Alphonse, then dumps him on the sand.

I lean down to Alphonse, and blow smoke into his sobbing face, laugh, and extinguish the ciggaweed on his armor.

Alphonse gets up, runs ahead of us up the road to the castle, muttering, "Fuckin kill you all, this is horse shit"

I feel that It's really childish but I can't stop laughing EVERYTIME I see "THIS IS HORSE SHIT" part.
Especially that I can easily imagine some 12yo brat shouting that nonstop

Oh god, I've never actually been here for a STORYTIEM thread.

Did that guy ever finish the movie poster of the campaign he ran?

>>16809456
>I feel that It's really childish
>some 12yo brat
>really childish
>12yo brat
>childish
>12yo

Interesting. Never thought there would be a correlation.

>>16809456

I'm in the same boat as you, fellow fa/tg/uy

>>16809485
I don't think I get It

>>16809462
God I wish, he kind of fell off the face of the earth

>>16809434
Tim is already at the keep, and has spider climbed up the walls. He peers into what appears to be a courtyard with a roaring bonfire, and sees a massive dude sitting in a huge comfy chair.

(Our DM dubs this guy "Lord Armchair" because his stats were based on some NPC named Lord Archmair, which becomes Armchair when you replace the m).

So this is Lord Armchair, head of the awful hextor monastery of shitty monks. We've killed all the shitty monks, so he's all that remains.

But the rest of us don't know this yet because Tim doesn't relay this information.

Instead Al, Arthur, and I just decide to walk in through the front door. As we enter, Lord Armchair stands, revealing his massive sword, and equally massive titular Armchair. He's huge, and he begins walking down from his dais to kill us.

But Arthur is nonplussed, "You're not that big. I can take you."

Lord Armchair does not agree, and lets loose this crazy power roar that causes him to crackle with lightning. Alphonse runs around the big burning bonfire to flank with Arthur, and I start shooting arrows errewhere.

Oh, Tim's still climbing on the wall, and probably shoots a magic missile or something, that's about all he'll contribute to this fight.

>>16809106
STORYTEIM! yaaaaaaay!

>>16809511
Lord Armchair starts talking shit about how we're so weak, as he clobbers Arthur over and over, right upside the face. Arthur's being a good meatshield, but he's starting to run low, but thats okay because my dice have just decided to cooperate and roll numbers higher than 8. I finally get some solid hits on Armchair, while Alphonse keeps hacking away at the guy like a maniac.

Alphonse finally rolls a clutch sneak attack while Arthur is on death's door, and a Magic Missile from Tim seals the deal.

We stood victorious over the corpse of Lord Armchair, and that's where we ended that particular session.

Now, in the next session, the player of Tim was not with us... and for some reason didn't show up for the next couple of weeks. We take advantage of this time to get absolutely crazy.

So when we reconvene, as we're still standing over Lord Armchair's dead body, I look over to his massive armchair, and say:

"I want that chair. We're taking it back with us."

Holy shit. Storytiem.

I thought he had gone the way of Mahogany

Alphonse reminds me of Karkat

If you haven't seen part one you need to. This is all so exciting!!! I can't belive I get on TG and Storytiem, the legend himself is on. *sheds a soft tear and looks to middle distance*

>>16809558
>"I want that chair. We're taking it back with us."
My group knows that feel far too well.
My sorcerer once took shrink object just so it was easier to take random pieces of furniture we felt we needed to have.

Also fuck yeah Storytiem thread!

>>16809558
Alphonse is like, "Fuck you, I'm not carrying that thing back to Blood's Port." (That's the town we came from, with Frederick and Barney and all...). Arthur however, is more cooperative, and assists me in dragging the armchair all the way to the boat.

Now, because Tim was not present, we just said his character disappeared after the battle, and is somewhere on the island... which poses a problem for the pirates that he hired to "have his back in case shit went down." BUT WE DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

The pirates start getting anxious when we return not with Tim, but with a massive armchair.

"Yarrr, where be Tim?"

Alphonse responds, "Uh, he's somewhere on the island. Totally disappeared on us. He said to leave him here though!"

"Yarr, ya won't be leaving without some proof he's alive."

"Look...", Alphonse begins to strain the following words: "...'friend', I don't know what my dad's paying you, but you can have this here island as payment for your services. Turn it into your own personal stronghold, I don't care. It's yours now. Just clean the bodies off the beach, there's nothing left alive on the island... uh except for dad."

The pirate thinks the offer over, and thinks it's a good idea. We load up the armchair and head back to Blood's Port.

>>16809604

Oh man, yes, right down to the violent father/brother figure shenanigans.

>>16809627
After making landing at Blood's Port, we drag the chair all the way up to Frederick's house, and present our armchair as a trophy of victory.

Frederick is ecstatic, and very pleased that we have slain the awful monks of Hextor... but then he says, "And thank you for this marvelous gift of the fabled Armchair of Lord Armchair!"

I respond, "Wait wait wait, buddy, this ain't no gift. This here's for me and it's going in my hut."

Frederick keeps pressing the issue: "But you know that the greatest good is to give, right? So you should give the armchair to me."

Then I get pissed. "Okay, the greatest good is to give? Tell you what, who's your boss, the Pope? I'm gonna give the chair to the Pope. We're going to the fucking Pope and I'm giving him this fucking chair."

So then Jay, our DM, looks to me and says "The Pope...? The Pope of Faerun..."

After and while laughing our asses off, we take twenty minutes out of character to invent the Pope of Faerun, based on none other than Ron Popeil of RonCo fame.

DM'S NOTE: "Roneillius Popeillius was the first Pope of Faerun, a grand priest of Flarnaghan (because Ron Popeil was a salesman who loved the road), who was rumored to have locked himself in stasis in accordance with the company motto of "Set it and Forget it." So he set himself in a time capsule and everyone forgot him. He's been lost for milennia."

So we leave Frederick, dragging the chair with us, and head to the Library to learn more about Faerun's new Pope.

>DM'S NOTE: "Roneillius Popeillius was the first Pope of Faerun, a grand priest of Flarnaghan (because Ron Popeil was a salesman who loved the road), who was rumored to have locked himself in stasis in accordance with the company motto of "Set it and Forget it." So he set himself in a time capsule and everyone forgot him. He's been lost for milennia."

So we leave Frederick, dragging the chair with us, and head to the Library to learn more about Faerun's new Pope.

Best Adventure Ever

>>16809706

Hey STORYTIEM, stick around for a little while if you're gonna finish up soon. I'm drawfagging the shit out of this.

>>16809706

At the Library, all we can find is a Faerun lineage tome which mentions the Pope and his descendents... and OH SHIT, THERE'S MY CHARACTER'S DAD'S NAME. Smokey is apparently related to the Pope of Faerun, so now it is my holy duty to bring the Lord of the Armchairs to my ancestor. My character theorizes that if he gets REALLY HIGH he might be able to unlock some ancestral memory of where Roneillius Popeillius set and forgot himself, but I'm high all the time, so first I need to detox.

Alphonse and Arthur take me back to my hut, and lock me in for a week, and forget about me (SET IT AND FORGET IT, FAMILY MOTTO). When they return, I'm completely sober, a little emaciated, but nonetheless clean-shaven and dapper for the first time ever. Then begins the consumption of mass quantities of drugs. I get stoned off my gourd, and have a magical vision.

I roll a dice on the map of Faerun, and it lands upon Mt. Azrrhat (which we immediately rename Mt. Asshat) in the Anauroch Desert. When I come down off the drugs, I figure that we're pretty far away, and theorize that we will need an airship to get us there.

So we go to Frederick, who is our guy for hookups, willing or unwilling. We drag the chair with us, because Fuck You Frederick.

Sorry to bother, the guy in OP pictures, who is he?

It's Dean from The Iron Giant. He's animated very expressively so he's a gold mine for reaction shots.

>>16809833
Never seen the Iron Giant.
All hope is lost.

>captcha
whatif product

No, captcha. Product is real and in this thread.

>>16809789
Oh there's LOTS MORE to go.
That's awesome by the way, I can't wait!

>>16809796
Frederick greets us and looks wistfully at the chair that he will never have. We ask him for an Airship, and when he says he doesn't have one, Alphonse gets indignant: "What kind of fucking paladin doesn't have an airship?"

Frederick responds: "I am but a humble servant of Heironymus, and I do not have much to offer"

Seeing as I am now an enterprising Popeillius descendent, with a thirst for the sale, I say, "Hey Freddy, so Heironymus and Flarnaghan, they're like best buds, right?"

"Uh, actually they're not really friends, I mean they rode the bus together in 8th grade but they don't really have a lot of congruity in beliefs"

I interupt: "PERFECT! They're BEST BUDS, so why don't you let me spread your brand a bit, how about you give me a holy symbol so I can represent our new partnership and spread the word of Frederick on the road?"

I look approvingly at Alphonse, who immediately understands what's going on. Alphonse says "Yeah, let us have a holy symbol so we can show people you mean business!"

Frederick agrees, and gives us his Holy Symbol.

We immediately head to the general store and present the Holy Symbol to the shopkeep. Alphonse says, "Frederick is charging us with a holy quest, and he said he will pay for our supplies. Here is his Holy Symbol as proof of his word."

The shopkeep says, "Yeah okey dere, looks legit, take what ya need fellers!"

So we cleaned him out of magic items, a whole bunch of wands, and a hefty garbage bag of holding to stash the chair in for safekeeping while traveling.

>>16809860
>Never seen the Iron Giant.

>"Uh, actually they're not really friends, I mean they rode the bus together in 8th grade but they don't really have a lot of congruity in beliefs"
I can't believe how utterly awesome this is

>>16809891
We then make our way to the docks, and Alphonse scouts out the wharfmaster so we can book passage to a new city, preferably one with an airship.

As Alphonse approaches, the Wharfmaster shouts, "OH BOY... HERE HE IS. Hey kid, next time why don't you kiss me, because I like to be kissed while I'm being FUCKED. YEAH, I WENT TO SEE FREDERICK ABOUT PAYMENT FOR THAT BOAT, AND HE DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT, AND HE'S NOT GONNA PAY. NEXT I HEARD, YOU PUT A BUNCH OF PIRATES ON THAT BOAT AND SAILED OUT. GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON I SHOULDN'T TURN YOU CLOWNS INTO THE GUARDS RIGHT NOW!"

"Look," Alphonse begins, "I'm truly sorry for what I did--" Jay cuts him off, tells him to roll bluff immediately.

Alphonse rolls INCREDIBLY, and continues, "We can make it up to you. See, we came into possession of this island, and we no longer have a use for it. It's a pristine paradise island, and you can have it; its yours."

Alphonse marks the location on the map, and the wharfmaster thinks it over. He agrees to the deal, and we pay for passage to Telflamm (which we rename to Teflon).

This would be awesome, if it was real.

Right now, it's just sort of fun to read, I guess.

>>16809964
Oh it's real. Everything I have said, and am about to say has happened. Nobody can make this up.

>>16809944
So we arrive at Teflon, and its like some Turkish Port city. As we pull into the harbor, we see an awesome airship moored above the tallest building in town (FUCK YEAH!). Upon disembarking and roaming around, we learn that this city is controlled by the Shadowlords, a guild of thieves. As a party, we balk at this; I mean, an ASSASSIN'S guild would be scary, but a thieves' guild? PFFFFF.

Regardless, the Shadowlords own the building the airship is moored to, and presumably own the airship as well. Arthur starts to hatch a plan: He's going to work on his resume and apply for a mail room job at the Shadowlords. Then he's going to climb his way up the corporate ladder and rise among the ranks of the guild. Then he's going to befriend their CEO, and gain his complete trust. When everybody least expects it, he's going to steal the airship, and we're gonna fly to Mt. Asshat to give the chair to the Pope.

This plan will take about fifteen years, so Arthur goes to a resume writing workshop. I decide to learn how to pilot an airship, so Alphonse and I head to the library.

>>16810029
When we arrive, I ask the librarian where we can find a book on airship piloting.

She looks at me with narrowed eyes, and says: "Why do you want to find a book on airships?"

Alphonse pipes in "Oh, its Miss Twenty Questions, I got one for you! Why are you working at a fucking libary instead of doing something with your life?"

The librarian looks at me, thinking Alphonse is my child, and says "You let your son talk like that?"

"Oh he's not my kid... in fact his dad--"

Alphonse cuts me off: "I left my fucking dad on a island. How about I take you and maroon you on an island for asking too many fucking questions?"

The librarian looks at us and tells us to get out before she calls the guards. I just say "Whatever lady, I'll find the book by myself." She gets up and leaves, and I quickly go look and find a book on Airships. I stash it in the hefty of holding, and leave.

Alphonse and I split up, and he goes off to look for Arthur. Arthur approaches him and says "What do you think are my three greatest strengths?"

"Uh... you're limp dicked, can't fight, and the best at being absolutely useless"

"Alphonse I am not listing you as a reference on my resume."

Alphonse continues to curse, and hatches a plan to kidnap the librarian, because "She knows something!"

This plan involves Arthur knocking her out, and them taking her to some dark alley. They wait till closing time in the library, and follow the Librarian on her way out. Arthur walks up to her, but instead of knocking her out, he decides that he's going to ask her out instead.

I believe completely that this is totally true. If I learned it were not, life will lose a bit of its color and meaning for me.

>>16810057

Arthur turns on his swag: "So hey, I'm new in town, and uh, I find you attractive, so how about we go get dinner or something?"

The librarian looks at him incredulously, and calls him a creeper. Arthur, however, manages to win her over by offering to pay for dinner. She takes Arthur to "The Metro Gnome," a bar frequented by extremely punctual metrosexual gnomes.

Alphonse follows them in secret, and disguises himself as a gnome in order to get into the bar unnoticed. Over dinner, they talk about various things. The librarian tells Arthur a little about herself: "I'm easy, I like chess, and I like screwing." Seeing as she is the perfect woman, Arthur is crushing hard on her.

But then he mentions that he's traveling with some crazy hippy who wears a suit made of leaves and 'an obnoxious kid'. Immediately, the librarian screams "YOU'RE WITH THEM? JIMMY, THIS GUY IS A CREEP, THROW HIM OUT!"

So Jimmy, the large bartender walks over to Arthur, and after arguing with Jimmy for about ten minutes (Jimmy was not very threatening), Arthur is escorted out of the premises, and we all meet back up on the street.

I then mention that I wish we had checked earlier to see if the library had any other books on Pope Popeillius. The library was now closed, so we'd have to wait until morning...

...or we could break in and have our run of the place.

>>16810029

Preliminary, gonna do a little photoshop magic so this stops looking like ass. Tim's not there because he's busy hiding in another drawfag's picture.

>>16810118
THAT IS INCREDIBLE, THANK YOU SO MUCH!

>>16810113
So instead of waiting a whole twelve hours, we're gonna break in, because fuck it this is DnD. We wait until the streets clear a little more as the night encroaches, and soon, the only movement in the streets is the random patrolling of guards on their beat. Arthur goes and talks to a few guards, because he too was once a guard, and they swap guard stories and the finer points of guarding things. While he distracts them, Alphonse and I scale a nearby building, and climb rooftop-to-rooftop on our way to the library. On the roof of the library, there are skylights, so we open one carefully, and throw a rope down.

As we rappel down, we notice that the magic lights are turning on in the library, they must be motion activated! The lights follow us wherever we go, so we're lighting up the library as we proceed through it. But then, we notice torchlight outside, and hear the main door being unlocked.

Outside, some guards have gathered; apparently we tripped a magical alarm on the roof of the building.

Alphonse and I SPRINT for the basement, and look for a place to hide. This is made hard because the building lighting will lead guards right the fuck to us. Alphonse finds a broom closet, and disguises himself as a gnome janitor. I, however, am too big to fit in the closet, so I open a crate of books and prepare to dive in, when it hits me:

WE LEFT THE FUCKING ROPE HANGING FROM THE CEILING. EVEN IF WE HIDE THEY'RE GONNA KNOW SOMEONE WAS HERE.

>>16810167
Type Faster. That is an order.

>>captcha: but sparlac

But nothing! Type faster. And my name is not Sparlac.

>>16810184

Thinking quickly, I realize that I am a 5th level ranger, and I can use Summon Nature's Ally. I look through my list of summonable creatures and try to make something that will be able to use a rope (to make it look like someone threw the creature down here as a prank).

Dog? Nope, can't use rope.
Lion? Nope, same reason.
Dolphin? Even worse.

And then I find it:

Gremlin.

I summon a Gremlin, and tell it to climb up the stairs, go into the foyer, make as much noise as possible, and climb up the rope to the roof. It takes off.

Then Alphonse puts the whole thing together. He chases after the gremlin with a mop, still disguised as a gnomish janitor. Alphonse and the gremlin erupt out of the basement, yelling, screaming, while Alphonse swings his mop. The Guards in the foyer are caught off guard by the spectacle, and try to attack the gremlin, but miss.

The gremlin scrambles past them and clambers up the rope before disappearing (as a summoned creature) out of sight. The guards are confused as fuck, and turn to Alphonse, the heaving gnome janitor, who makes up the best possible story:

"My ex wife... *snif* Edna Sprigglesprocket... sends these awful creatures after me to kill me..."

He wrings his mop with his hands, then throws it to the floor. Weeping with extra quavering emotion, Alphonse repeats: "...to kill me."

>>16810219

Alphonse is a fucking genius.

>>16810219
The guards are pretty wierded out by this, and don't want to be caught in some inter-gnomish lover's quarrel. They tell the janitor to report to them if any other gremlins get into the library and try to assassinate him, and the guards take their leave.

Once the guards are gone, we pilfer some valuables from the library and steal another book on the Pope before escaping.

(Now for this session, it was just myself and Alphonse. Arthur could not make it, so we just said fuck it and ran with us three)

The next morning, Alphonse decides to get up early and head down to the Thieves' Guildhouse (which our DM compares to The White House in importance to this town) to meet with someone from the guild. He's stopped at the gate by two guards, who do not let him in. They claim that he doesn't have an appointment. Alphonse asks if he can make one, to which the guards respond "If you had an appointment, we'd contact you."

Then Alphonse gets pissed, and starts threatening them. Our DM compares this to threatening the secret service. They don't take him seriously

"Ha ha, sure kid. Good one. Roll us for our organs. Just try it."

Alphonse storms off then comes to wake me up. I accompany him as we return to the Thieve's guild. Seeing as the guards are unfazed by our incredible personalities, we go off for breakfast. I mention that if we could create an explosion or set the building on fire, then we could probably steal their airship in the confusion. But we don't have anything that could cause that kind of mayhem, so we head to the Library, because the library has all the hookups.

>>16810280
>so we head to the Library, because the library has all the hookups.
You are setting a wonderful example for children everywhere.

>>16810280
So we head into the library, and the librarian is immediately like "NO. YOU TWO GET OUT."

I try to calm her down, and ask her if she can get us an appointment with the Shadowlords.

(DM says this is like asking a librarian if she can get us an appointment with Obama)

"Are you joking? I'm a LIBRARIAN! I can't do that!"

"Well how about telling us where we can find some high explosives?"

"WHAT? WHY WOULD YOU WANT EXPLOSIVES!?"

Alphonse chimes in, "Again with the fucking questions."

I respond, "Look we're just trying to find our way around town, I thought this was a place for information."

The Librarian exclaims, "I'm calling the guards!"

We leave, and as I'm leaving I say "This is a shitty library, I don't even want to steal any more of your books."

So Alphonse and I roam around town, and find out that there's a wizard guild. We think that we could get them to teleport us straight to Mt. Asshat, but then realize that we have no way to get back...

Well they could at least teleport us onto the airship, right?

>>16810313
We head to the Wizard's Guildhouse. The building has no doors, apparently wizards waste a spell slot per day teleporting into their offices to work. We catch a wizard mid-teleport, and start wheelin' and dealin'.

I say, "So, could you like, teleport us onto that airship over there?"

He responds: "Uh no. We've just settled ourselves with the Shadowlords and have absolutely no interest in re-igniting a gang war."

Alphonse inquires, "How about you set their building on fire then."

"Tell you what, how about I polymorph you both into WEASELS and light YOU on fire?"

The wizard then teleports away. So we're left with no options.

We have to return to the library.

>>16810359

Finished up. Slow going without a fucking tablet. Thanks for the good times OP.

Heyo, Long time Storyteim fan, and been following this story since the last session. To the elegan/TG/entleman who did the drawfag, you have a gift. I require more. Now.

>>16810359
> We have to return to the library.

>>16810379

You are all that is man.

>>16810265
It was so ridiculous they had to believe it.

Oh god. Reading this thread on the train is the greatest test of self-control I have ever had to live through. Your party is incredible, OP.

>>16810379
Sweet Jesus that is amazing, I can't wait to show the group!

>>16810359
Alphonse and I reenter the library, and see our favorite librarian. There's also some guards.

"Guards, there they are. Please arrest them!"

A guard approaches Alphonse with a pair of manacles, and just when he gets close enough, Alphonse grabs the guard's sword, and attacks the guard with it.

Nat 20. Crit Confirms.

Alphonse shoves the sword into the guard's neck, he dies in a gurgle of blood. People in the library start screaming. I start panicking, and I take out my bow and try to incapacitate the other guard so we can escape.

But I roll to high on damage and oneshot him (I know I could have dealt nonlethal, but I forgot).

Alphonse looks to the librarian, and chucks a dagger at her, which kills her too, and we book it the fuck out the library and down an allyway.

We look behind us, two more guards are giving chase. Alphonse breaks a Quall's Feather Token of Big-Ass Tree, and it creates a huge sequoia in the alleyway, which blocks the guards in pursuit.

I shout to Alphonse: "SHIT SHIT SHIT, WE KILLED THEM, OH MY GOD FUCK WE'RE SCREWED"
He responds, "Calm your fucking panties, I can just disguise and we'll skip town."
"But I don't have a disguise!"
"GUESS YOU'RE FUCKED THEN, DEAL WITH IT!"

We split up, and I go in search of some new clothes, and Alphonse goes to secure transportation the fuck out of town.

Oh god. As much as I would like to play with this party, or DM their adventures, I feel that I couldn't do their brilliance any justice by participating.

>>16810382

Haha, you'll see more of me in December. I've been saving up for a Cintiq and will finally have it sometime around Christmas. It'll speed up my output enough that I'll have time to do dedicated drawthreads at regular intervals.

Till then I'm just gonna drawfag whatever piques my interest.

>>16810472
i know that feal bro

WRITE FASTER YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD!!!!

>>16810471
(EDIT: FORGOT TO MENTION, ALPHONSE THREW AN ALCHEMIST FIRE THROUGH THE WINDOW OF THE LIBRARY AS WE WERE ESCAPING, AND BURNED IT THE FUCK DOWN.)

We split up, and I go in search of some new clothes, and Alphonse goes to secure transportation the fuck out of town.

I make my way into Ed Taylor's Tailoring Shop, where he begins sizing me up for a new suit. Ed starts getting a little frisky while checking my in-seam, so naturally I roll to see if I'm into it.

Nat 20. Yeah, I'm into it. Way too much. In fact I have to resist the urge to gay-bang Ed Taylor in a dressing room.

He takes my measurements and creates me a new suit, to go with my apparently new sexuality, and I go meet up with Alphonse. Al has procured some horses, and we grab zombie-Arthur (because his player was absent, this is still that session with just myself and Alphonse), and run out to the next town... which is Zentil Keep.

On the way, we notice that we're being followed, and we stop in a forest clearing to make camp. However, we set up some fake bodies in cots, and wait in hiding for our pursuers to catch up to us.

Sure enough, two men wander into the camp, one in a silver breastplate bearing the mark of the marshal. I'm camped in a tree with an arrow knocked, and I let him have it. Alphonse pops up and stabs the guy's buddy. The silver-clad guy runs away, but his buddy eats an arrow and dies. We try to track the silver-breastplate guy, but his tracks disappear, as if he vanished.

>>16810551
So we inspect the body of the guy we did manage to kill. Alphonse comes up with some retarded plan about "putting the body in the tree to make people think that it was him who shot at them."

It didn't make sense. I tell him "That's a stupid plan." This is probably something I should tell Alphonse more often.

But without skipping a beat and without saying a word, Alphonse whips out a short sword and starts hacking the guy's head off.

And by hacking I mean stabbing it off because you can't cleave a head with a goddamn short sword. We mount the head on a pike in the campground, and make it the rest of the way to Zentil Keep. We ride our hourses to exhaustion and they die when we get there, and we have to eat one to survive.

So while in Zentil Keep, we try to lay low and gather some information. Alphonse tries to track down a forger so he can make an official-looking Deed to the island that we've already sold to two different people. This is so we can continue to sell this island and be more believable about it. The forger is adamant that Zentil Keep has no jurisdiction over that island, but he'll write anything down on paper for 20 gold.

Alphonse then decides to go over to "The seediest tavern we can find" in order to find a job for some fast money.

>>16810619

We come up on "Ricky and Bob's Tavern". It is a shit hole. Alphonse walks up to the bartender, and asks him for a job. The Bartender says "Fuck off kid."

Alphonse retorts, "I already did that job for your wife last night."

The bartender gets pissed, but everyone else in the bar starts laughing. Alphonse starts making fun of the bartender, and argues with him. Everybody is laughing, and the Bartender finally relents: "Kid, you do comedy here five nights a week, I'll give ya 5 silver a night!"

"We're looking more for a high-risk, high-reward type gig, buddy."

"Well in that case, head over to Big Ricky and Little Bob, they's pulling a bank heist tonight."

So we get in with Big Ricky and Little Bob, and agree to help them knock off a bank. But first, we need to get the keys from the banker.

In the dead of night, the four of us head over to the banker's house. Ricky and Bob want us to do all the hard work, and will pose as lookouts for us. Alphonse and I scale the house to the second floor. Alphonse uses some magic paint to make a hole in the glass pane, and unlocks the window. We sneak through the house, and come to the banker's bedroom, where he's asleep with his wife. We sneak over to them, prick them both with Sleep Arrows, and tie them up.

We then search the room for keys and shit. We find a key on a chain around the banker's neck, and run back to the window to tell Ricky and Bob... but they don't answer when we hail them.

Alphonse takes a wand of Message, and attempts to send them a message, but they don't respond...

Alphonse and I share a knowing look, and quickly jump out of the window.

GUYS! GUYS! My F5 key is broken, it won't create new STORYTIEM posts! It has like a ten minute cooldown or something! Where can I get a new one?

>>16810696
We run down the alley towards Ricky and Bob. They're nailed to the wall with arrows through the neck.

Alphonse and I start shitting bricks. He takes out a wand of invisibility, makes us both invisible. I summon an Eagle to do a quick check of nearby rooftops, and attack anyone up there. The eagle attempts to divebomb something out of view, then erupts in a squawk and puff of feathers.

Alphonse hands me a potion. I drink it, then say "What was that?"

"You fucking retard... it's SPIDER CLIMB RUN UP THAT WALL BEFORE IT RUNS OUT!"

I scramble up the wall with my bow drawn, prepared to shoot arrows everywhere. I get a quick glimps of someone jumping off the rooftop; he's wearing a silver breastplate.

So now I'm freaking the fuck out, I head back to Alphonse, and say "Fuck we gotta get out of here, they're HERE man! They're HERE!"

Alphonse says we should go back to the Tavern and warn them about the assassin and the failed heist. He then cuts (stabs) the heads off of Ricky and Bob, so we can show the barkeeper back at the tavern that someone is trying to kill us.

We get back to the tavern, and the bartender greets us, "Hey, back early eh?"

"NO. WE'VE GOT A FUCKING PROBLEM."

Alphonse reaches into his bag and pulls out Ricky's head.

he continued: "AND NOW IT'S YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM"

Sir, I am honoured to be a part of one of your threads.

>>16810764
The bartender is horrorstruck, and tells us to get in the back room. We try to explain that they were shot on lookout and that someone is trying to kill us.

The bartender ignores us, seeing what is the glaringly obvious reality of the situation:

He begins, "You two killed Ricky, and Bob, my two best friends, and then brought their heads to me?"

I say, "Whoa man, we didn't kill them, someone's out to kill us, and they're probably coming HERE MAN!"

The bartender retorts: "You're covered in their BLOOD!"

Thugs start entering the backroom. Now we realize that they're probably going to kill us.

Alphonse starts screaming, "THIS IS HORSE SHIT, WE DIDN'T KILL THEM. GET A FUCKING CLERIC TO TALK TO DEAD, THEY'LL FUCKING TELL YOU. GET A CLERIC ASSHOLE."

The bartender says "Yeah... We'll get a cleric," and takes out a long knife.

"THIS IS HORSE SHIT!"

Alphonse uses a wand to create a Fog in the room, then turns himself invisible and runs out the door. I, however, am not invisible, and have to clumsily stumble out, nearly getting my face cleaved in half by an axe.

>>16810816
As I exit, Alphonse grabs my hand, so I'm part of the invisibility spell too. We book it the fuck out of Zentil Keep, and tell zombie-Arthur (again, this is still me and Alphonse) to meet us in the plains. We ride our one remaining horse out, until we realize that once again, we're being followed.

Alphonse and I ditch the horse and dive into the grass for cover. About two-hundred yards away, we see a lone pursuer taking out a bow. He knocks a shot, and fucking critically hits me.

I'm down to 18 health, and thinking that this is basically the end of the line. Alphonse closes distance to the guy, and I take some shots at him, but don't manage to hit at that distance.

Our enemy switches to Alphonse, and FUCKING CRITS HIM TOO, taking out half his health in one hit. Alphonse closes the gap and starts carving into him, as I continue to pepper him with shots.

The enemy switches out to a longsword, and attacks Alphonse... and crits him AGAIN.

Alphonse goes to exactly zero, and with a final action, whips a vial of alchemist fire at our enemy, then drops.

I fire one last arrow, which takes the guy low enough to burn to death. I stabilize Alphonse, and we inspect the guy's corpse...

Bronze Breastplate...

Out of nowhere, a black arrow flies out of the sky and slams into the corpse's heart... a deliberate shot.

Alphonse and I book it the fuck out of there as fast as we can go.

>>16810816
Remind me, why did they have to cut off their heads anyway? I mean they had a hefty bag of holding right?

>>16810922
Because Alphonse comes up with the best plans. I'll get to that in a second.

>>16810921

So this brings us to last week's session, where we actually had the full group together. Tim is fucking shocked at all that has taken place so far. He thinks that we've gone off on some stupid asinine pointless adventure. He would never have gone along with any of the stuff we've done so far if he was here... BUT HE WASN'T SO DEAL WITH IT.

Arthur on the other hand, is pretty amused with all the stuff that we've managed to get ourselves into.

Storywise, we meet up with the rest of the party in the plains on the way to the next city. Tim has caught up, after somehow getting off our island. Regardless, we explain everything that's happened, and Tim is absolutely horrified at how his son has become a murdering psychopath, especially since he hired Arthur to watch over Alphonse.

My response is: "Hey, kid needs to make his own mistakes. Only way he's gonna learn, that's the law of the jungle."

This does not soothe Tim.

Regardless, we make our way down to Teshwave (which we rename Dershwave, because that's what our DM thought it was when he glanced at it).

But upon getting there, we realize that Dershwave is a horrible pound-me-in-the-ass evil military dictatorship that we should steer clear of if we value our very lives.

Naturally Alphonse is all for heading in; but the rest of us exercise some our frequently unseen better judgment to head away, towards Yulash, for some world-famous goulash.

This shit's larger-than-life, yo.

This is the first time I've been in one of these threads while it was being made. And this one is shaping up to be as awesome as the last ones.

>"THIS IS HORSE SHIT!"

No Alphonse, this is gold.

>>16811012
After getting to Yulash, Arthur does some scouting, and arrives at city hall, where he tries to gather some information. He asks some important looking guy behind a counter for some information.

The teller responds: "Do you have an information-seeking permit?"

"Uh no. How about just directions?"

"Do you have a map license?"

"How about I punch you in the face?"

"Do you have a face punching license?"

"Yes."

He cracks the teller in the face, and we leave city hall. We explore the city, which is apparently an old blown-out military garrison, with a regiment still stationed. They spend their days fighting some people across the way known as "The Hillsfar". Alphonse disguises himself as a courier, and goes to the garrison commander. He then makes the best bluff ever:

"Sir we've just recieved some intel from the Hillsfar. I need to take it to Zentil Keep. We're gonna need to steal... er... borrow some horses. The intel is too high clearance for you, we need to get it there pronto."

This bluff only succeeded because Alphonse beat the commander's sense motive by about a billion.

So the commander gives us two horses (two people to a horse), and sends us on our way. We get goulash take-out on the way out, and the commander watches us head out of town in not-the-direction of Zentil Keep. He issues a depressed, "...goddamnit", and watches us become dots on the horizon.

>>16811064
> "....goddamnit"

I laughed. So hard.

>>16810167
Wait, what happened to the chair?

>>16811136
It is in the hefty bag.

>>16811136
It's in a hefty of holding. I keep it on me at all times.

>>16811154
wimpy wimpy wimpy
HEFTY HEFTY HEFTY

>>16811064
So because we failed to secure an airship, or really anything better than a horse, we figured we might as well just proceed to Mt. Asshat without any more dallying around.

But first we had to check out what was going on in Dagger Falls, in Daggerdale, owned by the Daggertons.

While en route, we made camp in the forest for the night, and were awakened by an earth-shattering rumble. We looked around, and found that there was a herd of Stegosauri moving nearby. I exclaimed "HOLY SHIT", and immediately used Charm Animal.

We spent the next couple of days training our new pet Stegosaurus, which we named Daggett in honor of the surrounding territory, and the Angry Beavers.

So we show up in Dagger Falls, and I'm riding Daggett (don't ask how). We meet the sheriff of town, who is named Randall. Alphonse and Arthur begin talking to Randall, which means that this conversation enventually turns into Alphonse ridiculing Randall.

When I offer a snide comment about Randall's manhood, he looks up at me on the Stegosauraus, and claims that he's got a nice pair of boots made out of Stegosaurus.

I then tell Randall that I'll shove an arrow so far up his ass that I'll be able to pull out his heart.

Randall throws down the glove and challenges me to a duel.

"Alright stranger, you decide the terms of the duel."

I look at the dinosaur, then back to Randall. "Dinosaur Fight. Your boots vs. my stegosaurus."

"Son when you learn to take this seriously and not be a yella-bellied coward, come see me."

"Okay fine. Arrows at twenty paces."

"Dontchoo mean BOWS, son?"

"You don't shoot bows, now do you?" (pic related).

"Alright kiddo, high noon tomorrow. Be ready."

So... does this adventuring party have a name? Angry Al and the Horseshit Boys?

>We spent the next couple of days training our new pet Stegosaurus, which we named Daggett in honor of the surrounding territory, and the Angry Beavers.

>>16811245
That pic... I love it so much. I wish I knew more good things from 4chan.

ARCHIVE THIS. NOW.

>>16811245
So while I duel Randall, the rest of the party conspires to rob a bank while the town is distracted, and the sheriff might be killed. Tim is really distraught over how crazy things have become; he never asked for this, and he really doesn't want to see his son turn any more insane than he already is.

Meanwhile out on the street, Randall and I lay down the terms of the duel. We duel to first blood, so first hit wins. We walk twenty paces and turn. Randall wins initiative, and pegs me in the shoulder... but it does like 4 damage. THAT'S NOTHING. The crowd begins to cheer.

But I let fly with my arrow anyway.

Nat 20. Crit confirms. Composite Longbow damage is x3.

Randal gets pierced through the neck, takes 51 damage, and chokes to death on his own blood.

I walk over to him, as the cheers of the crowd die in their throats. I pull out the arrow from my shoulder, toss it down, and exclaim, "I GUESS HE WON!"

While this is happening, the group is down at the bank, and they have tied up the bank teller and are trying to crack the safe. What is supposed to be a routine heist has devolved into a shouting match between Tim, Alphonse, and Arthur, who are all mad at each other for various reasons.

Tim yells, "Arthur you're FIRED, you were supposed to watch Alphonse and now he's completely depraved."

"Wasn't my job to raise him, you're his father."

Alphonse replies, "YOU'RE BOTH FUCKIN' IDIOTS."

Tim starts again, "I've done some bad shit in my life. I'm 45. What this kid has done... IS WORSE!"

"Well I asked myself, 'hmm, what would Dad have done?', and I didn't have a wife, so I couldn't leave her... so I just killed people and burned down buildings."

"I left your mother because of your brother..."

"AND THAT'S WHY I LET HIM BURN"

>>16811316

Already submitted.

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/16809106/

Posting in a storytiem thread.

>>16811335

Arthur dissolves the situation by saying "Hey, this is probably one of those nature vs. nurture things."

And they proceed with the rest of the bank heist.

We all meet up again outside of the Town Hall, where I'm trying to get rid of the Sheriff Badge that has come into my possession.

Arthur takes the badge from me, and pins it on a nearby kid. The kid bursts into tears, and screams, "DAD'S BADGE..."

We realize that a stegosaurus probably wouldn't fare well in the desert, so we went to the town's livery to find some camels. But there were no camels.

"THIS IS HORSE SHIT, YOU'RE RIGHT NEXT TO A FUCKING DESERT, WHY ARE THERE NO CAMELS"

"Son we use horses around here."

So we trade some of our stolen gold for horses, and head into the desert. We leave Daggett behind, after teaching him to 'stay'. We will come back for him after we return from Mt. Asshat.

As we travel through the dunes approaching Mt. Asshat, we get caught in a sudden sandstorm, and a pyramid rises up through the sand. A dark hallway is at the base of the pyramid, and Arthur and I want to explore it. Tim is against the entire idea, but comes along, following WAY in the back.

We walk briskly down into the pyramid, and come into a gigantic open room with columns and pillars, and a central dais.

Then the dais erupts in fire, as a towering red demon thing appears.

His voice booms "WELCOME TRAVELERS. I SHALL GRANT YOU TWO, AND EXACTLY TWO, DRAWS FROM THE DECK OF MANY THINGS"

come back to /tvg/ you manslut

>>16811335
>"Well I asked myself, 'hmm, what would Dad have >done?', and I didn't have a wife, so I couldn't leave >her... so I just killed people and burned down >buildings."
>"I left your mother because of your brother..."
>"AND THAT'S WHY I LET HIM BURN"

Your campaign should be audio recorded.

>>16810219
Alphonse is brilliant.

Although I feel like he probably would derail any serious campaign, I wouldn't even care though.

>>16811440
I have no idea what I'm getting into with The Deck of Many Things, so I'm all for drawing.

Tim, however, knows exactly what he's doing, and wants his character to die.

Tim goes first. On his first pull, he gets a card which subracts 10000 exp and forces him to draw again. On his second draw, he gets a card which grants him 1d4 Wishes. He gets 4 wishes, and wishes that he never drew the first card... but this backfires in consuming the rest of his wishes (because he never would have drawn the wish card).

Then he takes his first draw again.

"Your soul is sucked from your body and captured by an outsider. Your body functions normally."

Tim goes catatonic.

Next up is Arthur.

>>16811440
>Deck of Many Things
shit just got real

>>16811440
>Deck of Many Things
SHIT JUST GOT REAL

>>16811493
>>16811483
shitjustgotrealmind

>>16811483
>>16811493

shitjustgotrealmind

>>16811472
Arthur gets +2 to a chosen stat, so he picks strength.

His second pick is THE SAME CARD... so +4 total strength for Arthur.

Next up is me.

I draw a card.

The demon bellows: "THE SKULL. PREPARE FOR BATTLE!"

The scenery melts away and a boxing ring pops up, the demon is there, dressed as a wraith. "IN THIS CORNER, IS SMOKEY, SOME KIND OF RANGER FROM THE WOODS...

...IN THIS CORNER IS... A DREAD WRAITH."

Dread Wraiths are incorporeal. My bow is not magic. I can't hurt it, outside of trying to choke it out with my cloak of resistance.

The scenery returns and my companions see my bloodied corpse drop to the floor.

>>16811493
>>16811483
REALSHITMIND

>>16811515
Daggett's gonna be one sad stegosaurus.

>>16811511
>>16811502
shitjustgotrealmindmind

>>16811515

Oh noooooo

>>16811515
how can you have a stegosaurus and not have a magic bow?

>>16811472
Last up is Alphonse.

He picks once. It's the -10000 and draw again card that Tim drew earlier.

He draws into a card that gives him -4 intellect.

He then draws into a card that gives him +50000 experience, a wondrous item, and forces him to draw again.

He draws a card that gives him 1d4 wishes. he gets 1, and uses it to gain 4 intellect. The wondrous item he received was a Belt of +4 Strength, which he gave to Arthur.

Alphonse then stands above the corpses of his father and Smokey, with his new toys. He is now level 9, three levels ahead of everyone else.

Alphonse shouts: "BEST... DAY... EVEEEEERRRR!"

>>16811581
Capricious fortune, I suppose. And party members that don't foot the bill.

>>16811581
If I had to pick which one to get first it'd definitely be the Stegosaurus.


a guy's gotta have priorities.

>>16811526
>>16811544
shitjustgotrealmindmindmind

>>16811502
>>16811511

shitjustgotrealmindmind

>>16811584
Good god, this child will be the doom of the world.

>>16811584
SO.

Seeing as Smokey is now dead, and the bloodline of Popeillius is now broken, I set about making a new character.

Introducing, for next session, Smokey's estranged brother: Bear, the Druid. Pic related.

Bear will be traveling in the forest when he comes across Daggett. Finding it strange that a stegosaurus is just standing there, he communicates with it, and determines that some people went off into the desert. REALIZING FULL WELL THE DANGERS OF THE DESERT, and the fact that Daggett has recognized the scent of Smokey on Bear, Bear heads out to rescue the party from the den, if he's not too late.

And also return the chair to his long-lost ancestor.

That, gentlemen, is where we will be picking up next week.

Thank you for your attention, as always, and I hope you have enjoyed the story thus far. I will try to keep updated about the exploits of this group as often as I can.

Until next time, stay classy.

>>16811625
>>16811606

Recursivemindmindmindimind

>>16811636
Oh, and Bear will Awaken Daggett as soon as he's able.

Sentient Stegosaurus.

Because.

>>16811648
don't forget to empower and maximize the spell, the stats he'll get are affected by it

>>16811648

Godspeed, Storytiem. Godspeed.

>>16811584
>Alphonse then stands above the corpses of his father and Smokey, with his new toys. He is now level 9, three levels ahead of everyone else.

>Alphonse shouts: "BEST... DAY... EVEEEEERRRR!"

This scene leaves me cold and frightened

*slow clap*

can i haz link to part 1?

This campaign needs more drawfaggotry.

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/16585489/

This thread is like the Las Vegas shotgun wedding of all campaigns.

>>16811636
Goddamn cockblocked.

>>16811636
BEAR needs to speak in a heavy russian accent

a Stegosaurus as an animal companion anyone?

>>16811636
>Smokey & Bear, the Ranger & Druid brothers

>>16812094
...FUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

>>16812094
I love it I love it I love it.

And a bump for you good sir, as I enjoy your tales greatly.

>>16809854

Everybody in that movie is very expressive, really.

Actually, that whole movie was just beautifully animated.

I agree about the drawfaggotry. I have already made the color illustration the background on my phone and desktop.

Haha... I just realized that Fharlanghn is not even in the Forgotten Realms setting. Whooops. We're kind of putting Forgotten Realms into a blender as is.

Maybe the pope is an ALIEN. Guess we'll find out on Friday.

>>16811659
>27 intelligence Stegosaurus
This is definitely worth 2 higher spell levels and a metamagic rod of maximize

>>16812996
I'm very excited for this.

I want a sophisticated stegosaurus buddy.

>>16813018
will he have a top hat?

>>16813112
He will absolutely have a top hat, monocle, spats, and probably some kind of tuxedo.

>>16813179
best stegosaurus ever

>>16813179
Please tell us where you live.

I must pick up my things and move so that I can make your game next week. Fuck, you could even charge admission!

>>16813210
Haha well we play in Ypsilanti, Michigan

I'm so glad I saw this thread. I should've gone to bed half an hour ago BUT I REALLY DON'T CARE BECAUSE STORYTIEM HOLY SHIT!

Seriously, I've been laughing my ass off this whole time, this stuff is pure gold. I wish my gaming groups could be even a tenth as awesome as this.

awesome, approved, laughed my ass off.

>>16813643
Are you one of the players this time?

So what becomes of Tim? Are you guys going to quest to reclaim his soul?

Is he rerolling a new character?

>>16813747
god, i wish. if i lived closer i would totally join in, i've been hearing about this campaign and it sounds nothing short of hilariously awesome

>>16813840
He might be calling it quits or he might roll up something absurdly broken. He plays a different type of game than most people, and really wants to be hardcore about roleplaying. He wasn't a huge fan of where the campaign was going, and opted out of his current character via the deck of many things.

However, we might still quest for his soul, because we're definitely keeping his comatose body for some Weekend at Bernie's style action.

And if someone knows where to find his soul... it's the Pope.

>>16814078
If we venture to save his soul. If not zombie dad can just be the father I have always wanted him to be.

>>16814078
>Weekend at Bernie's
You have reminded me those movies exist.

Thank you.

>>16814103
Surely he can be something a bit higher-class than a zombie?

I don't always post in STORYTIEM threads...
but when I do...
I bump the shit out of them.

>>16814078
Woah. Story tiem plays an hour away from my house. I feel special.

>>16814484
Where you at bro?

>>16814519
Rochester hills. You?

>>16814103
Congrats on having the most horribly wrong that it's right character ever.

>>16814524
southgate, hah

I think STORYTIEM said in a previous thread he lived in kalamazoo, and that's quite a ways to drive every week

>>16814566
Yes, that would be a ridiculous drive. I moved back to Grosse Pointe in August though. You guys aren't that far away.

Email me or something at storytiemcs@gmail.com

>>16814566
I haven't played since I got out of highschool. (Year ago) Nice to know that something like this is going on so nearby though. Man, like most of /tg/ I can say none of our campaigns worked out this well.

I really wish I could DM like you and/or the DMs you play with (I can't recall if you DM'd the plane-hopping campaign or not). How the hell do people come up with this stuff?

>>16814885
I'm not the DM in this campaign, but I did DM the plane-hopping one.

The key thing is to just have fun. Think of something you want to do, then roll with it. The best campaigns are 80% player-driven, 20% DM; but just try to have fun and everyone will have a good time.

>>16814885

Make up an idea. Even half an idea will do. If you can't, take two things you like that are different and mash them together.

When your players come back with their character concepts, you will have half a dozen entirely new ideas expanding on yours, that you had to do zero work to get.

And that, my friend, is /tg/

>>16818666
That and silly/awesome dice.

Oh my GOD this campaign is bonkers.

Was Alphonse played by the same guy who played the halfling in the other campaign?

>>16821483
Haha, it's interesting that you point that out, but they're actually not the same player. I apparently know two people that like to play psychopaths.

>>16822068
I actually don't think that it is very uncommon.

The fact that they both seem to do it WELL is.

>>16822111
evil, it seems, is hard to pull off properly
now, morally ambiguous, i could tell you some stories about that. see, there's this player...

>>16824245
Do go on!

>>16824245
Second Story Time?! YEAH!

>>16824245
It's 1 am here in MI, I work the morning shift and normally wake up for work in 3 hours. Looks like I am going to work sleep-less.

>>16824346
We all live in Michigan haha

>>16824245
is this your Rifts game or the 4e one?

>>16824354
I know, I am the Rochester Hills guy haha

>>16824245
oh lawdy, don't get your hopes up too much people, it's not THAT many stories.

let met think...

well, one of my players, longtime friend, great guy... is not the best roleplayer. he knows it, i know it, everyone in our group knows it.

at first, we had no idea what to call him, as he would flit from alignment to alignment depending on the situation. we eventually settled on "morally ambiguous"

The first time we really noticed it was, a couple years back, I was running "the sunless citadel" for my group. It's a low-level 3.0 adventure. Not a very good adventure, either, but it's a fun dungeon romp, if that's all you're looking for.

Well, said player was playing a rogue with a shortbow. (He also really likes playing a ranged rogue. Three campaigns in a row really.) But of course, he had daggers as a backup. Well, at one point in the campaign, you come across a small encampment of goblins: guards working for the BBEG. Most are only doing it out of fear and really don't want to, so there's the opportunity for RP.

So what does he do? Well, sneaks in to the barracks, murders several of them in their sleep, and leaves their bodies in their cots. He then goes to another room, wakes up some of the goblins, and tries to parley with them for information. He lets drop that he saw the other goblins got killed, rolls a MASSIVE bluff, and then...

then...

Genuinely feels bad about massacring the goblins before. But doesn't tell the new group! Oh no, that would be bad. Instead, he "adopts" them in to the party (and inadvertently gets them killed). He holds a vigil for the new group of goblins. But not the old.

>>16824354
Mr. Morally Ambiguous isn't in rifts. He's been around forever (and is a player currently in 3.5)

>>16824408
Later, in another campaign, we're playing a 4e game run by a mutual friend. He's playing a LG Dragonborn Paladin.

Except here's the thing: he has no idea how to play lawful. Or, well, good.

He was given what was basically a Holy Avenger early on, and told that the powers of Good were watching him. If he managed to stick to his faith long enough, the sword would become artiftact-level of awesome. But if he got all three strikes, the sword would leave him forever.

When I joined, he was already at two strikes.

So what he started doing was, being overprotective of anyone. Absolutely anyone. Find somebody trapped in a cave? Take 'em back to town. Orc raiding party surrenders? Don't interrogate them! Take 'em back to town. Party member low on HP? Take 'em back to town.

In the end, after almost losing the Super Sword, he decided to give up being a Paladin. He found a shrine dedicated to Yeenoghu and pledged himself to his service. No, before you ask, there was no real in-character justification for this, he just decided to turn evil one day. Day before, struggling with his faith, but carrying the torch onwards and holding his head high. Today? That demon blood looked neat let me have some of that sounds good evil. Yeenoghu rewarded him with a whole bunch of neat stuff - and then it all got taken away when he pissed on the side of a church of some Goddess and got put on trial.

God, I can't quite remember the next one. We played a long-running 3.5 Underdark campaign, and Mr. Morally Ambiguous had a couple fun things, but...

Well, he did try to hit on a male half-orc as a straight male halfling once, to try and get in a building...

After the Underdark campaign ended, we moved on to Shadowrun. He went from "Morally Ambiguous" to "Just plain psychotic". See, he was a master of chemicals... knew how to make explosives out of household items and whatnot.

He ended up blowing up an entire town of innocent people to cover the party's escape. Oddly, that wasn't nearly as evil as when the mage mind-controlled a gang leader and made him commit suicide on camera, and then spread the video around the internet.
The Shinto Priest in the party didn't know about the first one (was unconscious), and nearly left the party over the second, and AGAIN nearly left the party when Mr. Ambi dropped the "yeah i blew up a town" line to try and impress a suit (didn't work anyways).

In the current 3.5 campaign we're playing in, he's played three characters.

The first? Filhern, a Psion who liked to use Minor Creation to make dolls and leave them places. It was his calling card. He was also a functioning alcoholic (thanks to me introducing him to booze), and also pretty much autistic. Not much in the way of social skills. And I mean at all.

Filhern ended up dying when he ran in to an empty room to search for treasure. It wasn't empty, and the wererat who had been lying in wait eviscerated his d4 hit die.

After that he came back as a Psychic Warrior pretending to be a monk named... James. He wanted to actually play a monk, but he realized he could never make the "lawful" part work and went elsewhere. James was very odd. He started off with almost no RP personality (had no backstory, for example; was basically dropped in), but then developed the idea of "trading".

See, we got sent to a poor town, where charity was being given out by a group of adventurers. We were to go stop them, because it was actually cursed gold that made people weak and pliable.

So James, as we're scoping this group out, goes to talk to them.
"Hey, I'm new in town. I like trading."
"...okay?"
"Yeah. Do you guys do any trading? It's what I'm in to."
"...no. We're giving this money out as charity."
"Oh, you shouldn't do that."
"What? Why?"
"Because these people have nothing. If you give each of them twenty gold, then twenty becomes the new zero! But anyways, do you guys have any trade goods?"
"...no, leave us alone"
At this point we're all raising an eyebrow at him, wondering if he's got "Profession: Economist" on his sheet or something.

James ended up dying during a fight against some Loxo (elephant people). The party got separated because of an enemy wizard, and he decided it would be best to run in (sound familiar?) and attack the group of them. He got Rodney King'd.

Third character is another Psion, this one blasty, and is just a complete asshole. Guy doesn't care about anything but himself. Has the old DM-hated "why should my character care about this at ALL?" attitude. I honestly think the guy's starting to get burned out, having gone through two characters already over these couple months of play.

I don't remember the character's name, to be honest, so I nicknamed him "brain man" (playing a half-orc who acts and sounds like the Heavy from TF2; in-universe Orc is Russian). Mr. Man is heavily spec'd for AC, what with Inertial Armor and Force Screen and Defensive Precognition and two AC boosting items. It's something like 24 AC at level 6. Not over-the-top, but damn good. Better than the Dwarf who's in Full Plate with a Heavy Shield.

Well, Brain Man got cocky. In a battle against some skeletal crocodiles, one was right up on him, but it couldn't get through his AC because the DM kept rolling bad. He felt invincible, and didn't bother moving away. He didn't bother even casting defensively - he just took the AoOs because he didn't care.

Well, eventually it hit, and took him straight to 0 HP. He survived, but only because the croc didn't feel like finishing him off.

Come to think of it, the guy's got a record of character death.

Died in the Sunless Citadel session because he took too long investigating a room full of Shadows (that only come out if somebody spends too long in there...)

Died TWICE in the Underdark campaign. Once to the BODAK PROBLEM, got Reincarnated by the Druid (went from a Deep Halfling to a regular Halfling). On that note, same encounter, important NPC went from Human to Black Bear. Yeah. Anyways, second time, died when entering a tournament that was fights to the death. Almost got spared, but was then unceremoniously thrown off a cliff.

Well, that's all the stories I can chalk up at the moment. I'm going to bed soon, but I'm open to questions, of course. I hope yall enjoyed it.

These are amusing story's, thanks for sharing them.

>>16824647
I wanted to run the BODAK PROBLEM on my PC's but I was afraid of a revolt.

>>16824686
Oh god, you realized it too? Bodaks would just insta-murder everything. Eventually there would be nothing left but bodaks, because they're physically incapable of killing each other without something crazy.

I should also mention, Filhern had 10 AC (yes, 10), and James had 13 AC.

>BODAK PROBLEM
Two words that should never be put together.

The first word works to imply the second, but to put the second there amplifies the first to a level no one wants to deal with.

>>16824710
One Bodak = one really good episode of the x files.
or a really short one.
The only reason I didn't do it is because there was one guy in the group who threw a fit when he failed any sort of save. If I had did a "save or die" he woulda killed the mood of the whole night.

>>16824733
But the thing with Bodaks.
Somebody killed by one rises as one in 24 hours.
That's how the problem starts.

>>16824761
Exactly. I mentioned Bodaks once and I got glares from everyone at the table. I had a very "play to win" kinda group.

>>16824801
Hah. My players wouldn't stop talking about the Bodak Problem, surmising that any town of Dark Elves would soon be a town of Bodaks. And what do Bodaks do all day? They've got 6 INT and speak Common and remember their past lives, so they probably play cards or something.

And then they made "Big Pappa Bodak", who was advanced plus some templates, who was actually able to hurt the other ones to keep them in line.

Told them that if they kept this up, the Bodak Problem might become real. And then I rolled some on a random encounter table...

>>16824833
And you end up with a talking black bear.
How do I convince my group that moments like this can be so much more fun than loot and xp?

>>16824855
Get a new group. There are people out there that just want to win, and then they clump together. I played in a campaign like that for a few weeks. I left, because I knew wasn't gonna change people's attitudes no matter how hard I roleplayed.

That, or rotate. Have one of your players DM for a bit and go back to it. Everyone has a different style, and you can play an amazing character.

>>16824886
We quit playing a few months ago. They got better towards the end. I really shouldn't complain, we had some good times. Everybody ran off to college though and I leave for basic training in a month so I think finding a new group is the only option anyway haha. Gonna try to find a group wherever I get stationed.

>STORYTIEM

Welp, so much for going to the gym.

Jesus christ, it's like a bona-fide show. It's...god it's fucking PERFECT.

Why is every STORYTIEM thread so goddamn good?

You need to start your own gaming company and teach us all how to dougie.

rolled 48, 78, 32 = 158

I had to go to the toilet while reading this thread.

Storytiem, as awesome as ever.

So I just rolled up Bear. I'm using the Bear Shaman archetype, because bears. The purpose of this character will be to wildshape into a dire bear, bro it up with a bear companion, and summon more bears during combat. Bears coming out of every orifice.

For feats, I'm taking:
>Spell Focus
It's a prereq for Augment Summons
>Augment Summons
Because +4 STR/+4 CON Bears.
>Natural Spell
Because fuck you I'm a bear.
>Power Attack
So I can slap shit. This builds into Vital Strike, which I'll get eventually.

Plus, as a Bear Shaman, I get something called Totemic Transformation, which allows me to gain aspects of a bear while not wildshaped for couple minutes a day... so I can suddenly claw attack people with my bear hands, or pick up scents, run fast, and search for honey.

I'm excited for tomorrow.

>>16830577
>Natural Spell
Doing it rite

Seems like what makes this campaign so good is that the DM obviously is not a control freak. Too many DMs get all butthurt when things don't go the way they want it to. The worst DMs get mad when you kill their bad guys. Liek wut the fuck. The BBEG is THERE FOR US TO KILL. The DM of this game is a member of the rare breed that knows when they have an amazing group and to just let them be amazing. Its not the DM's show. It's about everyone's fun. Hats off to good DMs that got that Cincinatus vibe going.

>>16830577
>Alphonse.
>Bear Summons Bears for the party.
>Party is now Bear Cavalry for duration of spell led by Bear being a bear.
>This can only lead to more dare I say it, bear knuckled fun.

Can't wait to see what Tim and Art roll up.

>>16830577
Power Attack might not be the best of ideas, but...

GO FOR IT. BEAR DRUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID

>>16830577
>show sister picture of bear
>ask "how does this make you feel?"
>"like i want to be that man when i grow up"

>>16830866

Your sister of all people has restored some of my faith in humanity with that comment. Tell her she is an excellent person.

>>16830577
I'm GMing my first campaign. They're expecting zombies; I will give them bears.

Because bears.

>motif: anytell
No captcha - motif: BEARS.

>>16831134
Will you make them roll for Bear lore?

damn well better.