I hardly think she has a problem. She seems to find the stuff no matter WHERE we are, and she gets it down her throat easy enough.

Old Emprah? Really? Really? That's really letting yourself go

>>16762197
I think WE'RE the ones with the problem. We're the ones stuck following her.
Although I must admit, I've only been shot at twice going to the liquor store for her.

>>16762222

It's your fault for hitting on the Battle Sisters you saw there.

>>16762233
THEY WERE TOTALLY GIVING ME THE EYES!

Given that apparently Eldar wine gives humans horrible cramps, I can't see this going well.

>>16762237
You're getting your body language mixed up again, the gesture they where giving you is called the finger.

Mmm, seems almost... excessive?

>>16762251
Right, as in they wanted me to finger them! I know all about Humans, I got a guide out of the Black Library,

>>16762176
Jimmy... what have you gotten yourself into?

>>16762257

Piss off, she can stop any time she wants.

>>16762263
Oh god. I'm starting to see why your Farseer is always drinking.
You guys must be from the Worst Crafworld Ever.

>>16762263
That's a guide to the cultists of She Who Must Not Be Named, Ly'wl'ylwthgrebgndf. Are you fucking insane?

>>16762263

Did Eldrad write it?

Bitch wrecked my jetbike. Twice. Do you have any idea how hard that shit is to fix? It doesn't help that the warlocks are secretly ashamed of this shit. She's like "Oh it will never happen again." Bullshit. That was the first time she wrecked the jetbike. She gets on it again, fucking two 40s of fucking Jurgens and crashes that shit into a fucking wave serpent. A fucking wave serpent. So I have to repair that shit too.

>>16762283

Less whining, more singing. Or you get to go with the Striking Scorpions next time she wants something from the store.

>>16762274
Uh huh. Don't mind the whole thinning of the Veil thing, it's normal. Trust me.
Don't I look trustworthy to you?

>>16762289
Those guys aren't doing that anymore, said it wasn't for the good of the craftworld and/or the race, and therefore not covered under the clauses of their union. They've gone on strike. Again.

>>16762278

You just said she must not be named, and then you named her! Do you want to do get us all killed?

>>16762309

Wonderous, he's drunk too.

What do you mean drinking problem? In that picture it seems that she was able to drink just fine.

>>16762309
That's your name, you twit. Or are you too busy feeling up the poor bonesinger again to listen? DON'T THINK I'VE FORGOTTEN.
I'm not going to name She Who Thirsts.
You go right ahead.

The Emperor's Will - Equal parts vodka and apple juice, shaken and chilled. Garnish with a chunk of fresh ginger.

Nurgle's Rot - 1 measure of lime cordial, 1 measure of southern comfort, 6 measures of lemonade. Drizzle at least 1 measure of Bailey's on top for curdled, boogery appearance. Do not stir.

BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD - Bloody Mary in a very large glass without celery. Optional - add 1 measure of drippings from rare hamburger.

Just as Planned - Cuervo Margarita with an extra shot of Blue Curaco, frozen.

Imperial Guardsman - Near Beer

Prometheum - Tequila and Habanero hot sauce

The Greater Good - Club soda (designated drivers; serving the greater good in the greatest way...)

WAAAAAAAAGH! - 1 shot of goddamn everything in a very big frosty mug.

The Warp - Espresso, Vodka, and Vicodin.

Ulthwe's Tears - 1 measure Tia Maria, 1measure Creme de Cacao, 1shot Espresso, topped with double cream.

The Dreadnaught - 3 shots Jack Daniels, 1 shot Sake, crushed mint and ginger ale. "EVEN IN DEATH (hic), I'M STILL PISSED!"

The Green Tide - Glass of leftover green beer from St. Patrick's day with 2 shots of bourbon.

The Monolith - 2 shots gin, 1 shot lime juice, 1 shot vermouth

The Inquisition - 10 ounces of bourbon, 2 ounces of orange juice, 2 ounces of grenadine

The Bolter Bitch - 1 shot amaretto, 1 shot vodka, Add cranberry juice to taste (4-6 ounces). Pour 1 shot cola over top.

Angry Eldar - 1 shot white rum, 1 shot triple sec, 1 shot gin, 1 shot gold tequila. Pour into glass of iced Fresca.

Melta Bomb - 3 shots Midori Melon liqueur, 1 shot DeKuyper Sour Apple, 1 shot rum, 1 shot sweet and sour.

>>16762306

You have got to be kidding me...fuck...I guess we'll have to round up the seer council. The warp spiders are a no go, apparently unguarded warp travel does weird things to booze.

>>16762328


Slaaneshi Whore - (all measures are EXACT. You should obsess over this drink as you make it.)
4 oz of citrus fruit flavored schnapps
4 oz creme de menthe
4 oz sprite OR 2 oz club soda and 2 oz citrus juice of choice
4 oz Everclear
insert long handled spoon
lightly drizzle godiva chocolate liquor on top
stir SLOWLY exactly 4 times, making a spiral pattern with the liquor.
CAREFULLY remove the spoon
garnish 1 sprig of mint with exactly 4 leaves in the center of the spiral.
consume.

Repeat until it's perfect, or your liver fails.

The Chaos Spawn - Pour one jigger each of vodka, whiskey, and orange bitters into a glass. Ask bartender to add a shot of "something else" into the mix - do not specify what.

Genestealer surprise.

1oz. Peach Schnapps
1 tsp. Bailey's Irish Cream
2 drops Grenadine
1 tsp. Black Opalline Liquor

Heat until it's right at your pain tolerance
Drink quickly.

The Hammerhead: - 2 shots Absynthe, 1 shot Creme de Menth

Deep Strike: 2 shots Jägermeister, 2 shots Cinnamon Schnapps.

RED ONES GO FASTA:
4 ounces Red Bull, 1 ounce cheap Red Wine, 1/4 ounce Red Cherry Liqueur and 4 ounces johnny walker red blended in ice with 5 ounces of Fanta red.


By the Omnissah, lets get lit /tg/

>>16762289
But I ride a jetbike and I am a warlock damn it! You know how those scorpion fuckers secretly make fun of us for not going full path of the warrior man! They think we are half assed! Striking Scorpions think we are half assed! It's not like the other seer is any better fucking enabling her. Seriously we should have an intervention or something. It's not as bad as me fucking having to repair all the Jetbikes because I am familiar with the production of them, but it becomes a huge pain in the ass when I have to be the fucking moral center of the unit. Seriously. You know how much more respect I can get on another craftworld for my skills? This one is fucking retarded. The humans called us the "Trailer Park" of craftworlds. We are practically exiled from other craftworlds, hell when we show up to help other craftworlds we are told to go fuck off. Hell She Who Thirsts isn't even interested in us because of how white trash we are!

>>16762350
Hey hey hey, we've done some pretty impressive things!
The Shuriken Shotgun was TOTALLY our idea!

>>16762350
We're just in a slump is all, things'll pick up I'm sure. Just last night the Farseer was talking about a new big plan to get us on our feet again.

>>16762362

First SHE needs to be able to stand on her feet.

>>16762360
The one that exploded and took Theuriyun's face off?
Great fucking success.
Isha's Tears, I hate you people.

>>16762278
>>16762309
>>16762325
SEE NOTHING HAPPENED. We are so white trash that even She who shall not be named doesn't even want us! We are the wet bar shammy of the Eldar. You want to know what are craftworld's official drink should be?

Grey Squirrel:
One wet bar stop, has been used all night
One shot glass
Ring Bar Stop into shot glass
Serve with bitters.

>>16762277
The Farseer is always drinking after the incursion with an Ork Waagh. I won't speak about it, but damn it someone else will.

>>16762391
But I didn't even name Slaanesh!
Wait, shit!

>>16762379
Ok so the PROTOTYPE had some bugs, but we fixed most of them!
If it didn't have only 2 shots and took forever to reload I'm sure that they'd be standard issue on ALL the Craftworlds!

>>16762391
I swear, one more fuckup and I'm going Path of the Outcast forever. And good riddance.

>>16762404
What's the fucking point? If you're close enough for it to matter, you might as well start stabbing.

Hey guys, I know we hate You-Know-Who, but this Nurgling has been following me around for like a week now.
We're cool with Nurgle, right?

>>16762400
Right, I'm out. Fuck all of you, I'm not even going on a Path.
I'm going to become a fucking pirate and forget this place exists.

>>16762379
Hey man >>16762350 here. Fucking third saddest day of my life. Killed my brother after inventing that stupid fucking thing. I am working on a fucking minor ship to fucking leave at the next stop and go work at craftworld Saim Hann or Yme Loc, they are always asking for guys like me. I'll just pretend that I was a corsair that changed his ways. Shit you know it's bad when even Craftworld Altansar looks at you suspiciously.

>>16762424
Remind me where Isha is.
Go on, I'll wait.

>>16762423
Who do you think i am, a Banshee? I could barley beat a Firewarrior in an arm wrestling contest. I'd rather make a cloud of razor sharp razors then stab. Stabbing is for people who can stab.
>>16762429
So... see you on Isha Day? Or the family reunion?

>>16762433
Hey now, lets be FAIR here. Nurgle DID save her from You-Know-Who. Just putting that out there. Plus he sound sliek an OK dude, all around.

So um... As Totally-Not-An-Inquisitor, I have to ask, How does the drinking effect her abilities? To predict the Future, use her Foul Witch... Her abilities and all that?

>>16762440
Because the thing barely works.
You know who has superior shotguns? The fucking Mon-keigh. You are a failure at life and a waste of good genetic material.

>>16762455
Everything is much sexier and hilarious.

Which is impressive when she is predicting the infestation and annihilation of a Craftworld by a splinter hive fleet.

>>16762455

Well, she keeps predicting we'll get her another bottle of whiskey...she hasn't been wrong yet.

>>16762455

Ask that Battle Sister girl...Celestine? That she made out with when we took her to the store.

I swear, we are walking a very fine line here.

This is how I sense Scum.

>>16762484
What the? Wrong thread. My bad.

>>16762440
If I never see this place again, it'll be too soon. I'm not sitting through another bout of you molesting some poor female from the Path of the Baker while the rest of us do whatever. Cousin Liwelyin is FAT, did you know that? He eats so much that he's OVERWEIGHT. My mother snorts fucking crushed wraithbone. I don't even know what that shit does.
I hope all the bad things in life happen to all of you, and specifically all of you.

>>16762484
Your picture is more relevant than you think.

>>16762391
So The Farseer sees this Ork Waagh on a planet right. She is pissed off that she isn't looked upon by other Farseers as good at being able to shift the path of fate so she sees this possibility that if she is able to trick this ork boss into attacking this tau world while dressed as space marines it could actually allow for some recovery and would prove masterful. So She gets these fliers and has striking scorpions on them, and starts littering the world with them. Then she has some striking scorpions and her go down to attempt to "Negotiate with the Orks" using some old tech, she some how tricks the warboss into doing this and it works, so the orks go attack the tau dressed as what they think are space marines. They dress as Striking Scorpions. The Tau attacked us two weeks later with their weakened kroot battleforce. We defeat them handedly, but for some reason after coming back from the planet she has always been drinking. Something about a taste in her mouth.

>>16762455
Well she seems to know the location of every liquor store of every species in the entire sector.
Also, and this really impressed me, she had us camp for a few years in the middle of NO WHERE, only to have a Mon-Keigh transport to crash nearby. The thing's Cargo was a bunch of artifacts, most of them blue for some reason, and three cases of the best Mon-Keigh booze we've ever found.
Does anyone remember what we did with those Artifacts by the way? Last I heard she planned on trading them to some Bleeding Bird or something for more drinks.

>>16762455
Well mister totally not an inquistor I am glad you asked! She is able to predict to the second when her booze will arrive, and we haven't gone to battle in a while unless we are attacked first. It is quite refreshing being on the defense, but she has suggested an offense against something, she just hasn't figured it out yet. Something about a planet with a good distillery.

>>16762328
Barkeep, a Dreadnaught!

So wait wait wait... All the Eldar have to do to be safe is to get their Farseer constantly drunk and slack off?
Sounds like floating around in space looking for beer is pretty good for them. not getting shot up, not getting eaten/purged/eaten by a chaos god...
Why are they all not doing this?

I found this guy who won't touch the jetbike, won't hit on the bonesinger, and avoids collecting numbers from the bathroom. As a plus, he mixes a mean inquisition.

The problem is, he almost lacks empathy. Think I should bring him along, anyway?

I mean, it can't be worse than the banshees, can it?

The artifacts are in that shed just down the road from the Shrine to Khaine. >>16762511 Which is two blocks down from the memorial to all those who died testing the Multicatapault and the Brighter Lance

>>16762547
Melta Bomb and Promethium both looks fucking delicious

>>16762556
THE BRIGHTER LANCE WAS SOUND IN THEORY! IT WOULD HAVE WORKED TOO IF THAT WRAITHLORD HAD HAVE STOOD STILL!

>>16762556
Man, that brighter lance was awesome, I really wish he had finished working the kinks out of that. Shame what happen to Than'iel though.

>>16762570

We could have told you the Wraithlord wasn't going to let himself get locked in a hamster wheel without a fight.

>>16762570
Oh shit. The farseer discovered the comms again. Quick guys back to the bar!

And while I'm at it, I think I'll burn this place to the ground!

>>16762585
[hic] waith. You want to come around with us? We can show you this new thing Lan'athun is working on he calls it the "Lance Lance" he stole something from a kindred vehicle and hooked it up to a bright lance then hooked that up to cousin Jha'iel's Jetbikes. Jha'iel is always good at making them Jetbikes but he is a bit of an old stick in the mud. Hell you can ride it if you like. We don't need to cleaning up after a barfire again.

>>16762554
The bonesinger still screams when you touch her, did you know that?
Fucking ruined my chances with her in one fucking move.

And whose fucking bright idea was it to make a wraithbed with integrated soulstones? I haven't slept in four fucking days.

At least your Farseer just drinks. Have you guys heard of Farseer Mar'lee from Craftworld Rasta?
Almost everyoen is on a food related Path, and the whole damn thing is painted Technicolor. They won't even fight, as it "Harshes their buzz man!"

>>16762585
Oh no, not again.

>>16762556
>>16762570
>>16762575
>>16762580

Hey Guys, Totally-not-a-tech-priest. Could you tell me more about the Brighterlance?

>>16762617
>>16762585
You know, I don't recall us having this many surviving members... did someone leave the webway open again?

>>16762617
Ok, so take a Bright Lance, right? Then crank that shit up to ELEVEN and... hey wait a minute!

>>16762601
>>16762604
>>16762617
>>16762623
>>16762626
What, nobody is even going to try and stop me?

>>16762617
It misfires and kills certain person's parents.
I swear to Kaela Mensha Khaine I'm going to nail your kidneys to the wall for that, Mon-keigh fucker.
If we even have kidneys.

The fuck is up with these fleshsacks?

>>16762623
Compared to the other Craftworlds we have a remarkably high survival rate, to be honest.
I heard a rumor that our population actually GREW by 3 from last year. Turns out Booze makes you care less about Whats-Her-Face eating your soul. Makes it SO much easier to keep a stiffy.
>>16762639
The Craftworld used to burn every Tequila Day until we stopped getting Tequila for the Farseer.

>>16762602

She was asking for it. Asking! She made me a wraithsign out of wraithbone, and gave me a bag of wraithcoke, too. Now if that isn't her hitting on me, I don't know what is. Are you saying it's improper to stick my lance up her pus- I'll just do my inquisition, actually. You're no longer worthy of my attention.

Mister grey, mix me one up, on the double.

>>16762627
>>16762585
Bro, if you don't burn this place to the ground someone else will. Again. Now would like to try the new special we got? I give it to you for free.

Double Gauss
4 Jigger of Absinthe prepared in the Bohemian Style, serve with campaign instead of water. Serve in a highball.

>>16762649
Well that just takes all the fun out of it...

>>16762603

Isn't that the slut who sleeps with this warp guy, who treats her worse than an ork, yet somehow disappears conveniently whenever he could actually do some good around the craftworld?

Fucking mon'keigh fuckers. That's all I'm saying about this.

>>16762649
Oh Isha, WE ALL AGREED TO NEVER MENTION TEQUILA DAY EVER AGAIN!
I STILL can;t get that stain off my ceiling.

>>16762674
Ha, fine, Gauss me

>>16762655
I don't seem to recall "Oh Gea please don't, no, stop, please, somebody please help me" being a come-on. Maybe I just don't understand women like you do.

>>16762702

Yeah, I know. That bonesinger's got issues, man. Who'd have known she was capable of that?

>>16762649
Tequila? Did sumun say sumthin 'bou' Tequila?

>>16762710

That's why you're not getting laid. Meanwhile, I have this silent, stoic, and dead-sexy mon'keigh right here.

Wait. They don't have set genders, right? I forgot.

>>16762717
>>16762702
She did make you that lovely... well functional... well, certainly... interesting, wrathbone vase as an apology though.

>>16762708
You sir are gaussed. Also don't let the farseer know we have absinthe. There is a reason it is limited to one per eldar. You seem like you can handle your stuff though.

>>16762730
...Yeah, something like that.
Go for it, I'm sure you'll get exactly what you deserve.

>>16762724
Ummmm.... shit guys. She has found us.

>>16762737
My first alcoholic encounter was with a 1/3 bottle of that devilish shit. The hang over the next day felt like an orge face fucked my mouth and shot a gallon worth of putrid seed into my stomach and it was eating my stomach from the inside out.

I was just a damn boy.... why brother why?

>>16762731

Oh, you mean the vase that turned into heat-seeking spikes when I went to sleep? Yeah, that's what I thought.

I mean, she doesn't have to be such a bitch about it. It was just a lance. Just a lance, I'm telling you. Not like she's not taken worse, if you know what I mean.

>>16762724
>>16762757
Um... Wait, I got this guys!
NOPE! NO TEQUILA! We were just saying how you drank the last one, and we should probably get more!

>>16762731
The one that looks like it was shaped with pure terror?
I hate you all so Asuryan-damned much.

>>16762761
Wait, does the Farseer know about absinthe?

Barmen, i would like a saki, hot if you can. >>16762708
oh hey Nercon, hows thing?

>>16762779
Why don't we introduce her to Mr Worm Wood himself?

>>16762763
You mean a lance and that fucked up wraithdildo you invented that has some poor fuck's spirit stone in it?
The one you forced up her anus?

>>16762789
capcha ate my image

>>16762750

Fucking aliens all look the same to me, anyway, but I was pretty sure they didn't let their males be grey knights. Or was that the sisters of war? I don't remember.

Last time I did one of these, I ended up in a ditch, covered in skulls, and with a book branded to my as- no, wrong story. Anyway, you're not allowed to hit on my mon'keigh.

Go get yourself a banshee instead. See how that goes for you.

>>16762776
Dont give her ideas you idiot.

>>16762776
See to it numba two!
OOH OOH! Lookit, lookit! I can make myself look diffrn't!

>>16762795

For the last time. I didn't force it up her anus. There was no force involved, or anuses. At least none I remem- no, definitely no anuses.

But I had my lance. That much's for certain.

On second thought, maybe I did deserve the vase.

>>16762737
Now THAT is a drink!

It is frighteningly distressing how much alcohol it takes to get those big fuck Mon' kieehs half way past buzzed.

My god, what Crafworld IS this? Drunkus?

>>16762805
Oh boy, so, who's on the path of the janitor at the moment? Could be a big one tonight.

>>16762805
Way to go assholes, now someones gonna halfta get the shit for her and it aint gonna be me.

>>16762820

If you have to ask you, you're not allowed to know.

Don't let the banshees fool you, either. They're all transvestites.

>>16762799
Didn't the Banshee Exarch invent restraining orders just to keep you away from the Banshees?
You do know that a woman being terrified of you isn't her playing hard to get, right?
Oh, and that one Banshee you took home and it turned out to be one of the male ones? Yeah, I know about that shit.

>>16762820
What are you daft? No sir this is the sovereign craftworld of Her-Der.

>>16762817
wow, that good?
barkeep, what would you recommend me?

I don't even WANT to devour the souls of this Craftworld.
I used to DREAM about devouring these souls too! But they're just so... SAD!

>>16762823
I do. And by the looks of things I am also going to have to sing out more jetbikes. I swear to Isha Warlocks are supposed to get better then this.

>>16762837

That's the problem. It was a woman who was really a man, but the ass. That ass.
I couldn't resist, and I got pulled in.

It was like the lance disaster all over again, only I can't remember shit. I think the problem's that I beat her up too damn much by the end. She asked for rough, but I did other things. Terrible thin- wait.

What was I saying?

Oh, yeah. You don't know fuck about women. This is why you're not getting laid. Get yourself a lance. A lance, and if that doesn't work, you get yourself one of these silent mon'keigh to sit on your lap, like I do.

That's how you pick up women.

>>16762810
She couldn't sit right for three months.
She cried whenever she saw a man.
I'm sure she was fucking begging for it.

By the way, no does not equal yes.
And getting a girl (of only fucking 180, you pedophile) passed out drunk and fucking her isn't "scoring", either.

>>16762854
Around here?? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA........no.........sorry no.
Barkeep give me another round of Deep Strike if ya please..

>>16762850
Fire Warrior:
1 Jigger Rumplemiltz
1 Jigger Goldshlagger
1 Jigger cinnamon Shnapps
Served with a jalapeno as garnish

Oh wow, they're from THAT Craftworld?

>>16762868

Hey. Hey. HEY! By 180, I had more bitches under my belt than you've crashed jetbikes, you grot. No, none of them had dicks. That's just a myth.

Besides, it's not like I have to fill out a fuck contract, do I? No? Didn't think so, either. What? Should I ask for ID first? I mean, if you've got tits, even if they're just your armor, you're old enough.

That's the law of the wraithjungle.

>>16762869
I was a warlock for a while mind you. Then I got some sense and took the most noble path of the brewmaster. Best decision I ever made on this craftworld

>>16762863
That man is in a coma, you fuckwit.

Exterminatus-2 shots stolichnaya in large glass or mason jar, filled almost the rest of the way with a green energy drink (i prefer monster import). Add 2 shots of jagermeister.

this shit should look like antifreeze and kick your ass, i made it while playing stalker one late winter night

>>16762892

You're making that up, and I know you are. For sure, too.

Why? It's simple.

Because I beat up a woman that night. Damn, that didn't come out right.

So, anyway, there were no balls touching. That's what I'm saying.

>>16762890
>>16762889
>>16762892
Cmon Eldar please cant we all just sit around and tell happy stories for fucking once?!??!?! JUST FUCKING ONCE GODSDDAMIT!!!!!?????

>>16762883
God damn those snooty Alaitoc bitches. Think they're so much better than us. Why do they even come here. Stuck up whores slumming it to get back at daddy I bet.

>>16762889
You know, you are the only person to make me GLAD it is so hard to have children. Since I doubt any woman would willingly fuck you twice, let alone all the times it takes, you and your fucked up genes are going to die with you, probably in some autoerotic asphyxiation accident.
I am going to shit on your soulstone someday.

>>16762328
>>16762335
>>16762391
>>16762674
>>16762873
>>16762897

Holy shit. /tg/ knows how to make drinks, including gag drinks. I love this thread soo much right now.

Hey guys, I just found the Farsser passed out in the gutter... again. Got her to her chambers.
What's that big thing in the corner of her room, with the Gold Armor sitting on that chair?

>>16762903

Why don't you ask the silver mon'keigh about its family, or his skull collection? That'll be less depressing for everybody involved, and maybe we can start boozing it, so I can scor- no, fuck you.

Not doing this.

>>16762901
You're right, having gay sex with a man is totally straight if balls don't touch. It also magically makes him a woman.
You are a testament to the Eldar race.

>>16762912
exterminatus guy here, i made the drink to get really drunk and stay up playing vidya, such is life in the zone (being an insomniac)

WILL THE GODSDAMMNED PEDOS JUST PLEASE SHUT UP!!!!!!????? I WANT TO HAVE A GOOD TIME FOR ONCE WHEN I COME HERE.........not fushking remember this sorry shit when i wake up tomorrow.

>>16762917
>>16762901
By the way, if you even think about it, I'm going to cut your balls off.

Guys the WEIRDEST thing just happened to me.
I got shot and died... then got... thrown back. What the FUCK does that mean?

>>16762903
Fine then. You remember the time when we actually got the Gatling Prism to work? And it didn't blow up? Freaking Farseer was soo happy. The drinks were flooded over with booze. We took that baby for a test run on that one Ork Planet (I never know why our farseer has such hatred for orks) and I have never seen such a victory. Whooo that was a beautiful thing that Gatling Prism.

>>16762929
What did I do? I just took the Farseer back to her chambers! I didn't even cop a feel!

>>16762931
It meansh welchome back to hhell asshole, gave another drink.

>>16762927
All the chicks here have Cegorach's Curse, bro.
Unless you want it to burn when you piss, I don't suggest it.

>>16762936
Ahhh yes.....now that was a good day....

>>16762921

YES, THAT'S HOW IT WORKS! Khaine himself wrote it, you know. It's right there.

In the dark reaper manual. And I was one of those at one point, mind you. Not that there's anything wrong with that, or the phallic guns.

Besides, I was wearing the wraithskir- the proper uniform.

>>16762944
Ugggsh.........honshety it really gant get musch worse.

>>16762937
If she's even limping in the morning, if she says something about a crusty residue, or if she says she has a funny taste in her mouth, I'm coming at you with shaping blades and citric acid.
That's a promise.

>>16762944

Which is why you gotta use proper protection.
Personally, I recommend an old-fashioned lance.

Just don't put spirit stones in it, and mod it to rotate and vibrate. Not that I'd know anything about that, mind you, just giving some friendly, common sense pointers.

>>16762965
>>16762937
Gentlemen please, we dont need this kind of talk right now.

>>16762960
Well actually... remember that time... oh yeah... the list. Of things we don't talk about anymore. That list is getting pretty long you know.

>>16762965

No, you're not, because I know you.

You're gonna be mounting the silver mon'keigh all day and night, and pounding that ass.

You idiot.
Why don't you use a lance? See, this is just another reason why you can't get laid.

Holy shit I'm writing these down.

Quickly, I need STEEL REHN, Vance Motherfucking Stubbs and Governor Derosa recipes.

>>16762950
How does it feel to cosplay as a C'tan, faglord?
>>16762971
Did I ever tell you the bonesinger breaks into a cold sweat whenever she sees a lance?

Does anyone have the recipe for the "SACRED MACHINE OIL!"

It was like, Jager, Russian Stout, and maybe eozo? I can't remember. I made it one time. It was thick as shit and black as tar and just utterly wrecked everyone.

You boys remember the Wraith Cannon XXL? The one bigger than a bright lance? I was working on that project. That thing was so awesome. Then of course the Farseer, had to test it out. On Tequila day. The Memorial is right down the street from the Brighterlance memorial and the Multicatapault memorial. Thing worked though. Too bad the farseer decided it was time to "Test dat puppy out"

>>16762976
Lishk vat........the time the farsheer got so drunk shhe went after that Dark Eldar archron....*hic*,and got her Shoul Shtone raped or whateversh and ve hashd to pull her ass outta that fire?!?!?!?!

>>16762978
Er, considering the silver thing looks like it could crush my head with one hand, it's all yours.
I'm going for the Alaitoc sluts.

>>16762988
The bonesingers did a pretty good job repairing that hole. You can almost tell nothing untoward happened there. Sort of.

>>16762982
STEEL RHEIN:
1 Jigger Patron Silver
1 Jigger Ciroc Vodka
1 Jigger Bacardi Silver
Ice

>>16762985

Hey, low blow, man! I don't question your decision to embark on the path of the boyband.

It's like you're all just out to get me. I should have listened to the corsair. I should have gotten out of here while I had the chance, but now I'm stuck.I'm stuck here with a lance, and a drunk who can't do shit, except fix jetbikes.

That's the greatest path, isn't it? Path of the jetbike repairman. That's even worse than path of the wraithbonsai.

You're saying it like she wasn't deathly afraid of lances to begin with. Oh, wait no.
I mean, like she didn't have problems prior to that.You know, that thing that never happened.

>>16763003
SHea yknow except for the masshive cracks in the Goddshdamned......foundation......My houshe ish shtilll lopsidded.

Oh shit, I could tell a few stories, but I doubt you lot would consider them 'happy', different demographic and all that. My boys think they're a fucking RIOT, I swear Dranon nearly inhaled his cig once.

>>16762985
Actually, that reminds me. You know the C'tan are actually pretty brosome? The Deciever's a huge faggot and is pretty much troll 36/8, but the rest of them were pretty cool. The Nightbringer does that whole "I am grim death" thing to fuck with you mortals, that prank never gets old. Mind you, the way the guy drinks, he could well BE Death.

>>16763002

Yeah, that's the default reply by fags who can't handle real women. Just look at it. It's harmless.

If you're not gonna tap it like a keg, I will. See, you just aren't ever getting laid, because you can't handle it. All women, man, they simply belong to me.

>>16763019
Your drinking heresh shoooo letsh hear dem.....

>>16763012
We have agreed not to speak of the incident.
I don't recall her entire body shuddering the moment she caught sight of one, though.
Or her unconsciously squeezing her legs together.
You wouldn't happen to know about that, would you?

>>16763030

I wouldn't have a clue, man. Not a single clue.

Absolutely none whatsoever.

>>16763019
Wait, aren't you the Drizz't of Necron?

Fucking done with repairing all 40 jetbikes today. I am glad it is not the Family Reunion. Holy fuck. I am glad it is not Memorial Day or Isha day. Shit. But today is a good day! I finished are greatest invention! The Lancebike! It's a Jetbike that has Bright lances on it.

>>16763030
>>16763038
YESSHHh u bof do......By Ishhha you people are idiotshes.

>>16763022
It's wearing a helmet. If it were talking, how would you know?
>>16763038
No doubt.Last time, one of them was being balanced, so they tested its heft by running a vibration through it.
They couldn't wake her out of the faint for hours.
But of course you have nothing to do with that.

>>16763045
Tell me when you're testing it, so I can suddenly find my calling as a Pathfinder.

>>16763045
OHHHH FUSHCK NO!!!!!!! Heresh ve fakingk go again.

>>16762982
Vance Motherfucking Stubbs
1 shot Kaluha
1 shot Bailey's
1 shot Jaggermeister

>>16763062
Mmmmmm, dat shoundsh good.......barkeep ill have me one of them...if u pleash

>>16763055
>>16763059
Aww c'mon! I rarely get to do anything fun anymore. I sit and fix jetbikes all day with that one warlock guy and he is no fun. All he does is bitch and moan and make some sort of giant looking ship thing. The fucker is as big as a Wraithlord. I'ts parked next the Farseer's place she said she wanted to look at it...

>>16763029
You sure? I know you guys were kinda fond of the Old Ones...

Okay, so we've just kerbstomped an Old One fleet, and we're sweeping one of the ship for survivors. We find one, and space him. The fat bastard blows up like a balloon, we're talking at least forty feet across, his arms just sorta poking out. But he doesn't explode! Usually they do, that's the whole reason we space 'em. Anyway, so this Old One is floating around out there, and the Dragon gets this bright idea to tie him to the front of our ship. So we've got this enormous bloated frog hood ornament.

Then those fucking Krork show up, and they're PISSED. One of the smaller ships throttles right up and heads right for us. The Dragon, with a deadpan straight face, says "FIRE THE FROG!" He gave the order, so we do it. Grabbed the prick with a gravity tether and flicked him straight at this Krork ship. The combined impact sprays the ship with Old One gibs from stem to fucking stern, and the ship tears itself in half trying to change course at full throttle!

>>16763076
.......Vait....whash?!?!?! A FUGKING GIANT SHKIP ISH PARKED NEXT TO DE FARSHEERERS PLACSHE WHILSH SHE IS LIT DE FUCK UP??!?!?!?!? Is it jusht me or ish dere problemsh wif thish??!?!??!?!

Governor Derosa:
One whiskey Glass
1 shot Ameretto
1 shot Cognac
1 shot campaign

>>16763081
BAHAHAHHAHAHAHSSshshhh......Thatsh acutally pretty goddsamned funny.

>>16763087
No Bro, the Lancebike is. That ship is at the Jetbike house. He keeps that shit under lock and key.

>>16763006
>>16763062
>>16763093

Just for you >>16762982

>>16763101
Oh, well that's alright the..... the lancebike you say? ... fuck.

>>16763101
Oh.....okay..Thash good den. At gleast i dont gotta wborry bout her driving THAT through my goddshdamned bakery while im hungoversh......not like that fugkshing Falcon.....

>>16763081
Aren't they still around after a sort?
Won the battle, didn't actually win the war, didn't even finish the job.

Got your Sacred Machine oil

>Stein glass
>large spoon
>Imperial Russian Stout
>Jager
>Ouzo
>poor in equal amounts all but Ouzo
>slowly poor over spoon so it ladles into the stein
>shot of ouzo
>It will be thick as tar and twice as black. Will knock you on your ass.

I thank you all for your generous gift.

>>16763116
Dear God the Falcon Incident. I thought we agreed never to discuss the Falcon incident. Wait, wasn't that the last time the Farseer had Absinthe?

>>16763132
HEyshhh whersh did my mug go?!?!?!? WHERESH DE FUGCK DID MY MUGG GO!!!!????

>>16763132
Ummm I wouldn't drink that Magpie Bro. I would wash it out first. Drinking eldar stuff is kinda of risky.

>>16763051

Everybody knows that's how these humans operate. If you don't, you're an idiot. Of course, you still refuse to use a lance, so the chances of you getting laid by one of them are almost zero.

And yes, you finally got it right. I have nothing to do with that, or the permanent damage done to her womb.

>>16763134
ISH HAVE EVERYSH GODDAMN RIGHTSH TO TALG BOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHESH KILLED MY BROTHER DRIVGING THAT THING AROUND!!!!!!!!! *sob*

>>16763143
We of the Astartes have hardy metabolisms.
>>16763137
You generously gifted it to me, of course.

>>16763132

Hey, no problem. Just uhh, watch out for the curse in the wraithbone.

>>16763153
DATSH NOT MY MUGSH!!! Bah fugk it. BARKEEP!!!! AN Ulthwe's Tears ifsha pleashs

>>16763147
...And how do you know she has permanent damage to her womb?
That's not exactly something she spreads around.

>>16763150
Didn't she think that she saw some sort of Ork with wings flying around so she hopped in a Falcon, and kept chasing it throughout the craftworld.

>>16763155
I'm sure it'll be fine.
Want a sip?

No problem. Isha's tears up.

>>16763153
Anything for our new friend?

>>16763161
I fucgkink hatesh it here.........yesh shhe did.......shhe thought my little brothershh wash and ork, AND ORK of gall thingsh. *sobs harder*

An Old One walks into a medical wing with a Ratling fused to it's head. The medic exclaims "How did you end up attached to that loathesome thing?!?"
The Ratling replies, "I dunno, it just started out as a wart on my arse!"

What's the difference between an Old One spawn and a sandwich?
I don't fuck a sandwich before I eat it.

What do an Old One and a jetbike have in common?
They're both fun to ride until they die.

What does a blind, deaf, quadraplegic Old One get for Christmas?
Cancer.

What goes plop plop, fizz fizz?
Two Old Ones in a vat of acid.

Why did the Old One cross the galaxy at superluminal speed?
It was chained to the back of my starship.

Cheer up lad. We put all the falcon's in one location that can only be open up by that one warlock. We also built the nicest memorial for your family and got you a new bakery. That was destroyed two weeks later in the Brighterlance testing.

>>16763167
I'll just have a straight Everclear. It isn't like it'll do anything, you know.
Oh, and thank that silver fellow for the mug, it was very generous of him.

>>16763186
NEHCRONSH CAN SHEX!!???? Thash newsh to me.

>>16763186
Those are quite funny

>>16763186
You're the Drizz't of Necron, right?
I'm a fan.

>>16763197
alright. Big silver guy doesn't say much. Just looks at everything with disdain

>>16763194
PLeash, pleash dont remind me of dat.....*hic*

>>16763204
What? Nah, that's that old bastard Lolcron. Great dude if you ever need anything, nothing like that Drizz't fag. Imagine the greatest bro who ever existed, and HIS backup bro is Lolcron.

>>16763200
Sshhh. You can have that one on me, but no telling!

God fucking damnit, who poured Kroot piss into out beers again?

I got god knows what poisonings from the last time, and Im in no mood to work with watery diarreha with this hangover.

How did the hangover remedy go again, hairs of a commissaar that blammed you...

>>16763230
KROOSH PISH?!?!??!?!?!? FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU..........*blarg*

>>16763227
Thank you for YOUR gift, as well.
You people are truly selfless.

Someone needs to archive this for the drink recipies alone.

Excuse me, got a leaking O-ring, if you know what I mean...

Now, where in the fuck did my drink go? And the mortals appear to have passed out. Or passed away. Typical.

>>16763283
You gifted it to me, of course.

Oy lads! We's fresh outta Squig 'air gel! And dere aint no Squig left!

>>16763283
mmmshpfhtherfnhekfvhdisc......*blarg*

The waitress looks retarded.

This thread, has been archived on suptg.

>>16763307
Speak for yourself chump! Grrrowr!

DJ Imotekh on da block!

UNTZ UNTZ UNTZ UNTZ

>>16763343
So gonna make the two necrons in the front into the guys from daft punk

>>16763343
You know, I'm not a huge fan of the actual Imotekh model, but there's a nerd-voice inside me that screams; "Imotekh the Stormlord is a badass fucking name for a space-skeleton with a laser stick!"

And besides, Imotekh isn't disco, techno, rap, hip hop, or electronica.

Imotekh. Is. Metal!

>>16763352
At the very least industrial.

>>16763352
Nope; but some Krypteks can be.
>>16763355
Industrial indeed

seriously, "imoTECH". Doesn't sound Metal, no matter how much I love Metal.

>>16763352
Oh man, Imotekh, that sonnofabitch is fucking metal.

True story! He plays lefty; those huge fingers are like the ultimate natural picks. Plus for show he literally shreds guitars with them.

Is it can be party time, now?

>>16763368
Party time for sure, sugartits!

>>16763368
You know what you should do, little tau?
Drink more milk!
For the Greater Boobs!

Thirianna here

Koralandril is a bitch

This Craftworld's got the right idea, but...It kind of sucks. Seriously, what is this smell? And those stains on the roof? Anyway, you should really try visiting Port Comorragh. Best bars in the galaxy. Best casinoes, arenas, whorehouses and torture dungeons aswell. Now if you excuse me, I'll have to go. The happy hour is starting in the Mutilated Bodypart. Drinks still cost the same, but you can sodomise the slaves for free!

[This message has been brought to you by the Commorite Culture Apreciation Comittee. Remember: what happens in Commorragh, stays in Commorragh (as will you, whether you like it or not)]

>>16763410
Oh stop it. It was because of your meddling that he became a exarch.

Oh and it's your damn fault the imperium attacked the craftworld.

>>16765113
>it's your damn fault the imperium attacked the craftworld.

Actually, that would be Aradryan's fault for provoking the Imperium in the first place.

>>16765113
Craftworld?
How pedestrian. That monk/tourist gig got quite old over the last nine millenia. Come back home, dude, all is well with the Empire.

Warprift
- 4cl Vodka
- 2cl Blue Curaco
- 2cl Tequila Rose
- 2cl Lime Juice
- 2cl Grenadine
pour everything in a highball glass, do not stir, then fill up with sprite.

Tyranid Blood
1 Highball glass
3 cl Absolut Vodka
3 cl Bols Kiwi
Fill up with Sprite

Morning on a Exotide World
3cl Absynthe
2cl Minttu
1 slice of Lime

>>16763307

I'd eat HER cuisine, if you know what I mean.

/tg/ - Cocktails and Xenos love

Every time I think I've seen it all, something like this happens.

Colony Drop

4 parts Archers
2 parts Taboo
2 parts Grenadine
2 parts Disarrono
Plenty of Orange Juice

Noise Marine
4 cl Jack Daniel's
4 cl Absolut Vodka
2 cl Kahlua
Fill up with Cola and Red Bull
Serve in highball glass

Archived for alcoholism.

If future generations can know of what we drank, the sacrifice of our livers will not be in vain.

>>16765680
I always thought noisemarines would be lowballers, if you know what I mean. Then I realised they probably have good muscle control.

Hey Guys. The Farseer is really REALLY drunk... again. Anyway, she heard the Mon-Keigh saying "Paint the town red" and needless to say, now all the Striking Scorpions have paintguns.
Ok listen, I know we Eldar aren't really known for the whole apologizing thing, but she thinks she's doing you a favor, and we'd really REALLY appreciate it if you humored her. She's going to want to try and buy more alcohol from you when she's done.

>>16766128

Calm down dear. Have a cuppa.

DO WE HAVE THIS ARCHIVED YET?!?

>>16766128
Why? I mean, what do WE get out of it?

>>16768174
Alright, I understand. In about 150 years there is goign to be a big Ork WAAAAAGH that rips into this sub-sector, and will destroy this world. You do us this favor, and we'll take out the Ork that would have become a Nob, and challenged the Warboss. He wouldn't have won, but the Warboss would be so pumped from the fight he'll go on a rampage into a random direction in space, which would lead him here.

>>16766256
The devil?