Your fault for using wild magic. Everyone knows that only half-trained idiots and retards use wild magic, it's just something that anyone who knows what he's doing knows to avoid. Ditch wild magic for good and maybe you won't be so pathetic.

If you were already late why would cast a haste spell

And if people were around, that implies you were there anyways, further invalidating any reason you had to cast haste.

Also "frogs of sadness?" Really?
What's next, "Mudkipz of epic win xD?"

>>16636485
>ruining the fucking thread

>be a wizard
>guys check this shit out
>cast a spell on some guy
>nothing happens
>someone points to my pocket
>it's a strand of spaghetti
>oh god it backfired on me
>try to put spaghetti back into pocket
>more just falls out
>everyone laughing
>i try to put the spaghetti back but i can't and soon its coming out from under my robe
>break down and cry
>tears are spaghetti

>>16636506
Your scenario was illogical, and if you can't deal with me pointing out the glaring flaws in it, you should grow some thicker skin.

I just avoided the university scene and got my B.E.D. (Breaking and Entering Diploma) at Greenvale.

>>16636516
Lost it.

>>16636665
Did you have to steal it from the most heavily guarded building in town? That's how they did it when I went there.

>> Be a Barbarian
>> Forced to go to school by dick elders
>> Beat the shit out of nerdy wizards for shit and giggles
>> Beat the shit out of jock fighters and paladins
>> Eat lunch with Rogue bud

lifesgood.jpeg

>lost it

>>16636704

No, even worst. We had to steal it from the Magic Item Repair Annex.

>Be necromancer trainee
>Have a huge crush on this elf training to be ice mage
>Ask her out via zombie mail
>She jokes that my 'necromini' has rotted off anyway

Why so cold ;_;

>Be a Wild Mage, going to uni
>Grades okay, amazing social life
>accidently turn Dean of Students into invisible pink unicorn
>kicked out of university
>try to turn him back as an apology
>end up switching bodies with hot succubus transfer student
>get deported back to the Abyss
>ohgodwhatdoido.jpg

>in high school
>taking classes to be wizard despite almost no magical talent, forced to by parents
>go through rebellious phase, become self-taught thief
>make a fuckton of money from stealing/selling
>after a few bad physical confrontations, learn to defend myself

Aaaand now I'm a successful adventurer.

>>16636764
Dude, forget her, halfling chicks man, they know what you want, and they want it too.

>Be a demonologist
>summon a greater demon to aid me in world domination
>demon turns out to be a super hot succubus
>can't mumble a word
>get a panic attack, run out of the room
>cape gets stuck in the vault door
>succubus starts laughing
>run to chamber, hit a cabinet in hysteria
>spaghetti bowl drops on my head
>cant see shit
>run out of a window
>sob while falling to my death
>spaghetti floating all around me

>>16636764

Dude, you need some better moves is all, the 'hopeless necromantic' works every time,

>paladin college
>poor family, barely able to pay my tuition
>at night, on my way home
>see guy with distorted face trying to sneak around
>i stare at him, mutter a prayer on his behalf
>he goes away, staring at me
>later
>hear screaming
>turn around corner
>distorted face guy standing over homeless person
>homeless guy isn't moving
>he turns towards me
>i run towards him
>suddenly, im in his face
>yell at the top of my lungs
STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM! PAY THE COURT A FINE OR SERVE YOUR SENTENCE! YOUR STOLEN GOODS ARE NOW FOREFEIT!
>he resists arrest
>distorted face guy was carrying 56 magic scrolls and 57 soul gems
And that's how I got enough money to get through college

>>16636459
/tg/ may be full of neckbeards.
/tg/ may be full of shut-ins.
But /tg/ is by far the most awesome board. I love you guys.

>>16636764

Have her get into a tragic accident and animate her so she'll be yours forever. GO POWER OF LOVE!

> Shaman 101
> Picking spirit companion
> Pick squid
> Every one laughs

>be conjurer
>summon demon near group of cute girls so i can "beat" it and look heroic
>aasimar cutie procedes to smite the fuck out of the demon before i can say a single word
not sure if i should be dissappointed or aroused

>>16636879

You. You're awesome.

>>16636889
i know how that's gonna turn out

>>16636890
>summon spirit companion on head
>multiclass psion
>found mind flayer race

>>16636764
Thats why i dont date ice magi anymore.
Fire mage chicks 4life, they, like, jump at your cock on the slightlest flirt.

The only backdraw is if they are just trainess they might burn your house down by accident, but is totally worth it.

Also
>Start wizardring school
>Do well, but be bored with it
>Start phisical training
>Get hooked up in magic training again.
3 years later and im a proud Eldritch Knight. Training pays off.

> Be a Barbarian
> Fuck school, waste of time
> Join adventuring guild
> No jobs for five months, keep training anyway
> Three years later, best paying job was basically as a farmhand
> Resign from guild, find accreditation program to become a professional personal fitness instructor
> Get in, ace tests, free gym membership
> Seven trainees live off of my advice like God worship

No feel like raising the land's finest young soldiers and adventurers of the future, lads. No feel like.

>be a shapeshifter
>go to school
>there's this girl I really hate. Try to shapeshift into her so I can get back at her.
>It works!
>Oh god, here comes her boyfriend.
>He starts making out with me.
>Freak out and turn into a kangaroo
>Everyones laughing
>The noodles I had for lunch start falling out of my kangaroo pouch
>They laugh harder
>Hop out of school and all the way home, tears streaming down my face

>Be a fighter
>Going to university, having best time ever
>Nerdy wizard tries to summon a swarm of bats in the quad for Halloween carnival
>Only manages to summon a bunch of spaghetti out of his pockets
>Laugh hysterically
>10 years later
>Got all my gear, armor, and sword
>Going through a dungeon to confront a necromancer
>Necromancer is that same fucking wizard
>Mock him for a solid 5 minutes (shit was so cash) and charge him
>Sword hits a barrier
>Sword turns into spaghetti
>Armor turns into spaghetti
>Gear turns into spaghetti, falls out of my pockets and pack
>Kneel before the necromancer, sobbing
>Has undead minions strip my clothes off
>I run back to town crying and covered in spaghetti

>lvl 8 mini-maxer (not reveling my build)
>Kick ass way outside my normal level, 1 on 1 with CR 12s
>Get put in advanced party
>First fight is a fucking tezzeret!!! FML
>Sent back to school when party was stomped, well at least surviving the big guy is good application material for the future

>>16636945
I know that feel, brobarian. I know that feel.

>be druid
>hanging out with my druid friends in nature preserve
>start smoking pipeweed
>paladin nerd jumps out from behind tree
>he gets us all expelled
>fucking paladins.

>be conjurer
>love animals
>volunteer at shelter for creatures misused in experiments
>meet cute girl
>she loves animals
>animals love her
>we hit it off
>she insists on showing me all of her "babies"
>go to her house
>see pic
>try my best to keep a straight face throughout the evening

what the hell am i supposed to do /tg/? i know owning slivers is banned in pretty much every country on the planet, but this chick is amazing and i know she'd never forgive me if i let anything happen to them

>>16637058
>be paladin
>join protests about government raiding of voter approved marijuana dispensaries
i may not like the stuff but the feds have no right to just say "fuck what the voters want, we're the government"

>>16637069

What's a Slither and can it be my familiar? Those things are adorable.

>>16637069
Bro, run for it. Don't even look back. Soon a swarm of those bastards is just going to pour out of the house. She's going to die, the town's going to die, and unless you run, you'll die too. Don't stop until you've put some distance between you and them, then build up a defense of your own.

>Professor of Psionics
>Sick as hell today.
>Sister is subbing for me, comes home to tell me she thinks the drow girl transfer wants my dick.
>Try to tap that
>Get dick mounted on wall

Fucking drow, thank god for the school nurse.

rolled 2 = 2

>Be a Lich
>Teach a bunch of snotnosed brats
>Finger of Death that whiny little bard because he didn't turn his paper in on time
>Paladin dork keeps interrupting my lectures.
>Finger of Death him.
>Kids love me.

>2011
>Using anything but your bare hands and rolled up sleaves to pratice and channel magic.


I'll just be over here enjoying how I can essentially never be fucking disarmed- unless I'm literally disarmed.

>>16637099

http://wiki.mtgsalvation.com/article/Slivers

>>16637101
>Having fear of sliver
>Not knowing the power of the great black lotus+channel=emrakul
>2011

>be an Expert in College
>hanging out with the rest of my NPC-class bros
>PC-class douchebags keep trying to start shit
>ignore it, knowing that they're going to need us someday
>Graduate. Booyah.
>months later, customer enters shop; recognize it as one of the PCs from college
>laugh and taunt the PC with the myriad names thrown at me for four years
>"Now who's the guy with the useless bitch class?" and so on

Not as nice as some of you guys' shit, but eh. S'my lot in life as an NPC. You guys ain't ALL bad, but goddamn, some of you PC types can be real dicks.

I take joy in making their lives a living hell if they come to me for something their party can't do.

Hell of a lot of job security in NPC-ing, too. Seems like there's more people trained as PCs than as NPCs around these days, so skilled NPCs are worth their weight in gold anymore.

>>16637111
A lot of kids enjoy being fingered. Try it and see.

>Try to get into Lichwood College
>Got great grades, brilliant references, tons of Prime Material and extraplanar experience
>Applying for Necromancy course, best on the plane
>Get interview
>Go to interview
>Through me out when they see I'm an Orc
>Apply for Minion House Community College instead
>Cruise Minion-level courses, regularly raid Lichwood campus to deface the dean's skeletal horse and steal books
>Learning Necromancy in all the spare time I have due to easy course

>>16637099
vicious little hivemind creatures that increase each others power with each new one added to the hive
>>16637101
to be fair i'm pretty sure they see her as the queen, so i think she'll be left alive

>>16637140

rolled 14 = 14

>>16637140
I wish I could Wish you away.

Oh wait, I just did.

>>16637069
Lucky fucking bastard. You land a chick who's not only cool with slivers but actually has a brood herself and you STILL complain. If I'd met that girl a few years ago, I would've married her on the spot. But I was caught with a gemhide in my basement and next thing I know I'm in front of a judge who sends me to jail for a year with 2 years probation afterwards, screaming his fool head off about how he was letting me off light and how I should be grateful!

FUCK the anti-sliver legislation. You'd better do everything you can to protect that girl.

>>16637069
Try sneaking a Dormant-class Sliver into her swarm.

After that, treat that dormant beast like the king of the world, and hope like fuck that it never dies.

>>16637069
You're gonna die a horrible death.

Can i raise you? I need a new zombie assistant.

>>16637174
i'm just worried that if i do the slightest thing wrong her swarm will eat me, and i'm not exactly the best when it comes to dealing with women (i am on 4chan), honestly i'm suprised i even got as far with her as i have
>>16637230
sorry, already promised that to my buddy when he helped me move

>>16637131
Man, I was friends with all the NPC kids in school. I almost became a farmer with my buddies to spite my PC parents, before I became a cleric of Yondalla. I can't tell you the number of times I've laughed at the jackass rogues and bards who bullied the shit out of my friends and I when they come to my temple and are forced to bow and beg.

> Go to wizarding school with a major in war magic.
> Meet a beguiler, bard, and sorcerer.
> Do poorly in class, but swimming in bitches.

> Worth it.

>Attending Saint Berinor's School for the Divine
>Be a fledgling adventurer
>Some douchebag fighter's got a cute half elf girl cornered
>Stop dead in my tracks, see what's going on.
>Guy is trying force himself on the girl
>Rush in, bash the guy in the back of the head with my study tome
>Guy crumples like a decrepit skeleton
>Girl looks at me and calls me a Paladin
>Fuck that shit, I'm a Holy Liberator
>Fuck codes, acquire bitches

>>16637282
if you need a good wingman get a paladin, they will talk you up like all hell.
have you ever had a 4 way with doppleganger triplets? no? then get yourself a fucking paladin

>>16637260
If you're that worried, just find a black mage and buy a simple scroll of Endemic Plague. It's dangerous stuff, but it's the easiest way to kill a sliver brood in a pinch.

>Bard
>Remedial spellcraft
>Meet a Beguiler, Sorcerer and Favored Soul
>Start a band rather than study
>Great success, huge sales
>Sorcerer up and dies from ODing on coke.
>Band breaks up
>Never have broken since.

>>16637302
again she'd be crushed if anything happened to them. perhaps i asked this wrong, so i'll try again
how do i safely date a girl with her own brood of slivers?

> Save up for years to go to a wizard school
> Can only afford university in a really bad city
> Wizards sit around all day, and eat
> Nobody seems to even know basic magic
> Faculty keep mysteriously dying
> Librarian is a fucking monkey

>be druid
>barbarian friend is trying to impress some nymphs with displays of strength
>"I got you bro"
>use polymorph bro into bear
>fuck up
>polymorph bro into puppy
>Nymphs apparently dig puppies

And everything went better than expected.

>>16637260
You're pretty screwed. You need to break up with her and do it VERY VERY LIGHTLY. In a worst-case scenario, you're gonna need some power. Like, level-the-building-you're-in power.

Coincidentally enough, I too have been having some girl problems. She's not my girlfriend, rather we've friendzoned each other. However, as of late, she seems a bit...weird. Sometimes a bit of this black substance can be found dripping from her eyes and I swear I sometimes hear her whispering something about a machine father or some nonsense. She was never like this before. What's up with her?

>>16637332
Get a bag of holding?

Kids these days. We didn't have Adventurers Academies when I was growing up. You wanted to be an adventurer? By Pelor, you saved every copper piece you could, you bought a sword and a shield, and you walloped the nearest goblin you could!

>>16637332
Slip a Dormant into her brood. I know a few sliver-breeders, and that's how they keep their broods from getting noticed- they never actually DO anything.

Failing that, Amulet of Sliver Invisibility.

>>16637346
please explain

>>16637348
Hey, listen. Have you seen these kids? If we give them a sword and a shield and tell them go beat down goblins we're going to have them thinking they can raid every caravan they want.
These kids need schooling. Don't you remember that Erivak kid from a couple years back?

>>16637369
Give her your dick in a bag

>>16637332
The plague is just for your safety. Just pray your girlfriend never finds the scroll, and otherwise be the most loving boyfriend possible.

>>16637369
Honestly, I got nothing. I was gonna say get a sliver the others will come running for and cram it in that bitch.
I'd totally run, bro. Slivers aren't to be trifled with.

>Be 10
>New home, new school
>Get bullied during 8 of school
>Get necromancer aplication(They sez nobody take it)
>Classroom is on the dungeon
>12 creepy guys in there
>Aproach.
>They are playing offices&bosses with the teacher
>They are freaks
>Necromancer are in really necroBROmancers
>Get good grades
>Become a lich
>Bullies come to my dungeon(that night i wasn't having a party with necrobromancers so I was sleeping)
>Kill them
>Shit so fucking cash.

>>16637275

Like I said, you PCs aren't all bad.

But since you're buds with a bunch of NPCs, I bet you can just IMAGINE my face when some smartass Bard or Rogue I knew in school begrudgingly comes looking for help with the one or two skills that the smartass doesn't have any ranks in. Especially awesome when I know that they had their class focus on Being the Face, since that shit doesn't work with me and they KNOW it.

Just about as awesome is when my Warrior Girlfriend on the Guard tells me that she personally put some jackass Fighter in his place, or threatened a Bard with castration if he didn't quit trying to sleep with her just because she's an NPC.

As a side note, what IS it with Bards that they think they're entitled to any sleep with any woman they want, whether or not she's happily in a relationship already?

>Be at Wizard school
>Avoid the Arch-Chancellor like the plague because he thinks students just get in the way of everything
>Be bros with the librarian; bring him bananas all the time
>Eat big dinners

Heh. Mage.
>Be Shaman
>Sitting at lunch time
>Shitty mage "gang" tries to pick a fight
>They cast all their shitty buff spells
>Wolf spirits, Wolf spirits everywhere
>I look around
>Mages are Wolf Spirits
>Table is a wolf spirit
>I am a wolf spirit

I'm surprised there aren't any Heward State students speaking up. This one girl in my class thinks she can pass my course using prestidigitation only.

Hilarity always ensues.

>>16637400
It's not all the bards. What happens is you get one with a really good Charisma modifier and he manages to pull it off. Then you get a bunch of dungeon dwellers thinking if they become a bard they'll get whatever they want. Bam, bunch of shitty man-whore bards who don't realize that one guy was just a smooth operator.

>be a fighter
>wander into a mage school by accident
They still have wanted posters with my face on them.
Cute. If it wasn't for how BAD they all were.

>>16637428

You'd think that the dumb bastards'd learn after the first dozen times they heard their friends talk about how being a Bard isn't a magical ticket into all of the panties forever, despite the hype, though.

>>16637453
That's what you get when you think Wisdom is a dump stat.

>Be troll
>Go to wizards school
>Get good grades
>Illusion spells falls off
>Shit.
>Get spelled
>Go to barbarians school
>Get good grades
>Forget to put on the Illusion spell
>Ogre bully is having his way with a 3rd grader human girl
>Kick the shit out of Ogre
>he rips my arm off
>I almost killed him on a blood rage with my own arm
>Go to hospital, the guys on the school send me skulls and bones as gifts
>FUCK THIS THEY LOVE ME

>12
>Go off to become Warlock
>At school, bullied by Wizards for using "impure" magic
>Make a pact with an extraplanar horror
>Fuck up everyone who's ever wronged me
>I now summon wormholes to a dimension of unearthly terrors every time I'm upset
>Nobody ever fucks with me again
By the way, I'm an Ooze Para-Genasi.
Fuckers.

>>16637459

It's annoying as fuck, though.

Man, sometimes I wish I'd gone to school to be an Adept instead. I wouldn't be nearly as powerful as a Wizard or Cleric, sure, but I'd have enough punch to deal with the bards that try to hit on my girlfriend while she and I are out for dinner. And sometimes, those guys look like they lead a pretty sweet life, too.

Then again, I never really had any skill for the magical, so I'm not sure I'd have managed as an Adept. Ah well.

>slivers slivers slivers
>people complaining about anti-sliver legislation
Why would any of you want to associate with such vile creatures when such wonderful pets as Myr exist? They're cute, they're clean, and they're interesting.

So they're a bit pricey, yes, but they're totally worth it. I don't have to spend hundreds or thousands a year on food for it. Grooming? Just polish 'em up every once in a while, they love it. They're quite sociable, too. They like people, they like (some) other pets, and watching them get together is a hoot.

Myr are the best pets ever.

rolled 9 = 9

>Tutor a humble kid, soft spoken, never really gets in trouble.
>Bright Kid, but never could get the handle on spells.
>Finally gives up after being bullied once more.
>Stick a wish spell in his pack before he goes home.
>Hear that a dick-ass thief killed the kid and the wish spell was used as tinder.

>>16637518
PETS ARE FOR FAGS
FAMILIARS AND SPIRIT ANIMALS ALL THE WAY

>>16637501

Oooh I remember you, Oozy the Grease ball?

What extra planar horror did you make a pact with, your mom?

>>16637518
>Merfolk master race reporting in
>Merfolk>You
>They are inteligent, they live in his own, you can be friend with them and not just "your pets" they can save your ass in the water, also their females are great.

>>16637533
Have fun being torn apart by a creature you can't even see with being driven insane, asshole. You guys just couldn't leave me alone, could you?

rolled 7 = 7

>>16637541
Quiet Troll before I decide to use Black Tentacles on you.

>>16637518

Myr are adorable little chicken-bots and all, but MAN they can be annoying. A wizard that had one for his Familiar - don't ask me how he pulled THAT off - came to my shop once and by the time our business concluded, there were just PUDDLES of Mana EVERYWHERE. It would've taken FOREVER to clean up if I didn't have some Adept buds of mine siphon it away.

>>16637541

The problem there is that Merfolk are SENTIENT, dude. If you're keeping one as a "pet", that's technically slavery.

Now, if it's your roommate or something, that's entirely different altogether. But you're kinda talking like you OWN one or some crazy shit.

>>16637556
>Have fun being torn apart by a creature you can't even see with being driven insane

Just because I put a bag over your mother's head when I bang her doesn't mean I can't see her Oozy. Why don't you polymorph yourself some testicles already.

Oh wait, you can't with your shitmagic.

>Wuoizdard
>Atttenmptnig to csast a invibsle splel
>Ploymroph into ctat
>Can bralrely tiupe
DABMN IHT

>>16637560
COME AT ME! I HAVE 1 MANA UNTAPED, AND 3 CARDS ON MY HAND!

>>16637577
I'm an' old school planes walker baby i'm like a good you know?

>>16637580
Ah, I'm sure. How's life going, getting your ass penetrated by a cleric every time you want to cast a spell? Having fun getting all your equipment stolen (and probably some other things *MHH MHH VIRGINITY) in your sleep by that thief I've heard you fell in with? You really out to check bounty boards more often: Guy's a convicted sexual predator.

>>16637600

Nobody talks like that to me you little shit. I'm Omega Danny, fucking wizard. I enchanted and cursed thirty two weapons this year, what have you done lately but take the easy way to power?

>>16637582
Smome ldady foound me on teh strret adn is kepeing me as a ptet. FLM.

>>16637302

>Scroll of Endemic Plague
>Simple

Dude this thread isn't for the already successful adventurer with tons of gold piled around.

Do you know how much tuition is at even just fighter college? Someone like us isn't gonna have that kind of scratch.

>>16637069

Your best bet is like everybody's favorite Lich, Bob Barker says, just have em spayed or neutered. If you keep the population down things shouldn't be too much of a problem as long as they're "good" slivers... I'd get started on having an amazing rapport with your local Druid's Circle.

>>16637626
Let's see... Bitch slapped the GODDESS OF DEATH for calling me out on my multiple near-death experiences... Summoned unspeakable horrors onto this earth to consume the souls of some people I didn't like the face of... Had my way with 30 different women... and killed an entire caravan of fuckheaded bugbears with a single spell.

>>16637627
>>16637582

Expert-bro here, so I'm not exactly the most well-versed in Magical Theory, but don't Polymorph spells, y'know, WEAR OFF eventually?

>>16637590

Dude, no. No, you're delusional. You need HELP. Let your Merfolk slave(s? God, I hope it isn't plural) go, then go find a therapist.

Everybody knows that 'Walkers were all weakened by that shit that went down on Dominaria a few centuries back. Fuck, they teach that to the NPCs at my college, which is how I know, and it's something that isn't going to even BOTHER something like 90% of us, ever.

>Be Lich
>Teach little shits necromancy
>get tenure just as I make demilich
>nobody dares complain about the splicing experiment I do in my spare time
>alpha as fuck
By the way, you would not believe just how fecund humans really are.

>>16637653
You're nothing more than a common adventurer! How pitiful! I get kids like you to pick up my laundry then pay you with the cursed weapons I make for shits and giggles. If you're a spell caster and you're still adventuring don't you think it's about time you grew up?

>>16637716
Omega Danny? I remember you! You kicked in the door of my tower and slaughtered several of my guards and disciples. You cowardly little shit, if you hadn't abandoned your idiot friends, I would have had my vengeance!

>>16637653
Someone is going to Limbo when they grow up.

>>16637692
THAT IS A LIE! I HAVE A FUCKING HAREM OF MERFOLKS LIKE YOU KNOW 20 OF THEM ON MY DUNGEON.
I ALSO HAVE LIKE 40 BLACK LOTUSES AND I KNOW HOW THE FUCK CHANNEL MY LIFE IN TO MANA! AND I'M BEST BRO FOREVER WITH EMRAKUL!
FUCK
THE
THERAPIST.

>>16637743

Have an axe.

>Entered a fighter's academy to become a berserker
>14 years old
>Not strong or terrifying at all, but try anyways
>Tutelage involves bashing my head against rocks all day, as instructed by my dwarven teacher
>Instead of making me into a berserker, it just turned me half retard
>Flunked out because I couldn't berserk
>Now I just hang around in front of the local item merchant while drinking pisswine, smoking really cheap pipeweed and calling passers by "knave" and occasionally stealing from the store

>>16637751
O WOW MY EXCITATION JUST MAKE A PLANES BURN!
WOW SORRY FAGGOTS THIS IS HOW I ROLL YOU SHIT FAGS! AWWWW YEAH FUCKER

>>16637716
I'm sure you go on plenty of "adventures" of your own with that thief friend... But that's besides the point. Look above you. At that giant cloudlike thing. See that giant ass pillar up there? That's my castle. I live there now. Bitch.

>>16636912
stopitboner.jpg

Hey, so dark elves or drow or whatever you want to call 'em. Are all those guys as hypersexual as my buddy is? Or is he just an exception? See, it almost got him killed and I wasn't sure if it was natural or not.

Also, he apparently now owes me his life, so how can I make good on that?

>Can't decide which academy to apply to
>manifest innate magical ability
>Oh hell yes, take levels in sorcerer
>freelance illusions and magic traps for aspiring BBEGs
>bitches love me

You mad, wizard fags?

>>16637785

I doubt you're living in a flying castle when your list of notable achievements includes killing bugbears with a single spell. That's like including the ability to wipe your own ass on your resume.

See this is why nobody liked you oozy; you talked big, didn't put the effort in and cheated the exams with demonic powers. You want to be a big name in magic but you want someone else to do all the work, you've never transmuted a single useful thing in your life, if you've got a sky castle it's probably because you were given it by your demon masters for sucking a mean dick.

>>16637825
Get him to hook you up with his sisters. He's drow, he WILL have sisters. And they're probably going to be all over surfacer cock, it's all exotic and shit.

Just stock up on antivenom.

>Picked up by Elven college.
>What the? I'm not an Elf.
>Affirmitive action.
>Well... I wouldn't be able to pay for college anyways. What are the available courses?
>The scholarship is for Rangers.
>... Fine... Ugh.
>Take basic ranger courses.
>All the elves are pricks. Hang out with a couple of half-elves and a drow exchange student. (Don't ask. Nice enough girl, though.)
>Have to put up with this crap. (Fully paid scholarships...)
>Fucking elven wizards are worse than the rest of them.
>Then take post-graduate Scout courses.
>My face when half the wizards can't find jobs due to rival acadamies and a flooded job market.
>Get a job working for a mercenary company as a pathfinder and marksman. Pays decently, and you get to keep a share of the loot.
>Meeting old buddies from college in tavern later.

>>16637848
You've never done ANYTHING, Danny, EVER. I mean, sure, I depend on the magic and power of others. But that's because they're under MY control. You? You've got nothing. You broke into a castle by YOURSELF and got your ass handed to you by some skeletons. You want to talk about pathetic? Let's bring up the wizard who I needn't mention by name, *mhm YOU mhm*, who got his ass handed to him by that half-elf bard girl transfer student. Didn't you understand that no meant NO?

>>16637413
>Wizard School thread
>Nobody notices/cares about Unseen University
/tg/, I am disappoint.

Somehow I get the feeling that the "career" themed posts in this thread are being submitted by people who are struggling in the shitty job market right now and want to escape via fantasy.

Am I wrong?

>>16637876
>You've never done ANYTHING, Danny, EVER.

32 cursed items a year says otherwise. I have killed people I. Have. Not. Even. Met.

Every day my sheer existence puts hundreds upon thousands of lives at risk, not through malice and petty minded grudges like you but because I simply do not give a fuck. I'm Omega Danny. The Royal Family asked me to supply them with a magical winter palace that existed at right angles to real space so they could be warm all year round.

There were no survivors.

>>16637939
Nah, they just like that kind of thing. Also, you're lost. Go find /v/. And even more also, you forgot sage.

>>16637939
rightoverhishead.jpg

>>16637939

I got hired as a christmas temp today at Toys R Us today so...

Yeah you're probably right. By day I sell plastic choking hazards to children, by night I'm a criminally negligent omnipotent being. I thought that was the point of D&D.

>taking Bard school
>graduate, assigned to an adventuring party to document their tales and turn it into songs and epics, stories to be told and sung in taverns far and wide
>just as they set out on their quest, other adventuring group kills the BBEG
>they usher in a new age of peace and happiness
>there's fuck all to do now
>now singing songs at street corners to entertain passersby, making about a silver a day if I'm lucky

>>16637961
So, your resume involves killing random people who give you money? Sorta funny. How much money do you get paid to be such a dumbass? They'll trace those weapons. That magic. They'll find you. Kill you. Me? They can't even dare. They can't even get near me without being ripped into shreds and scattered through 5 different dimensions. Have fun with your little poisonous toy swords.

>Go to fancy high class magic school.
>Single parent household, mum isn't Rich.
>Turn out to be shit wizard, but good at making things
>Decide to dedicate my life to Alchemy, going to create a Golem to help her around the house, ect.
>Get through first 3 years, take up enchantment, start cranking out +3 swords for some extra cash for my degree
>Dickass Bullies tell me Alchemy isn't real magic.
>Wreck my Workshop.
>I come back one day having just made this fine Two handed Axe on request, find all my shit wrecked.
>They smashed the Golem I'd poured every spare penny into the entire time I was there that was for my Mum.
>No way I can prove it.
>Blind Rage overtakes me.
>Wake up 2 days later with blood on my hands; the room around me scorched black by fire and the bullies are in hospital for weeks.
>Turns out my old man was a Barbarian and I'm a rage mage.
>Funny thing life.

>>16637986

Sucks, bro. Look at it this way, though, sooner or later another BBEG is gonna pop up, and if you're lucky you can be there with the party to see that shit happen and you can get that tale to the masses.

Failing that, unless you royally fucked up, you got some good training in a wide array of skills, right? Probably have a fair amount of redundancy with most skill-monkey PCs, but you could probably get a steadier, better paying job as an Expert's assistant regardless - ESPECIALLY if you decided that some skill that few people actually learn was interesting enough to take some classes on to get a few ranks in it.

It'll probably hurt your pride, being a PC assistant to an NPC, but hey, it'll pay the bills a lot better than being a Street Performer will.

>>16637844
Sweet Pelor, Professor Lake! I didn't know you browsed 4chan! Good to see you're not in that squid's digestive system anymore, we tried to get you out but it killed half the class when we tried to get closer.

>Be born into family of Aristocrats
>Be aristocrats
>money out the ass
>Give jobs to random groups of rubes.
>Most of them die

And people laugh at NPCs

>>16637993

Random IMPORTANT people who give me money. If my bizzare popularity with the upper class nobility continues I'm looking at regicide over three generation, more if any of these cursed items end up in the royal armoury.

And if they trace my magics and come for my head, let them come! I live as the wizards of the golden age. Respecting no authority and living with zero accountability for my actions. The spell I submitted for my master's? Danny Wondrous Call. The Archmages praised me for formulating a spell of pure utility that couldn't be used to bring harm.

I found a way this year.

I'm not even sure what my alignment is any more. There was a time when I'd of gone out to kill a guy like you, Oozy, but now I pay other people dubious goods to do it while I sell narcotics to haflings.

>Go to Bard College
>have a blast, bitches and songs errywhere
>graduate, can't find a job
>4 person fighter-wizard-cleric-thief parties only
>fucking discrimination
>get some wands and scrolls, wear my bathrobe to the tavern
>get picked up as a party's wizard
>on adventure, goblins everywhere
>party is panicing, fighter desperately trying to protect me
>draw my sword, start singing like a boss
>hackan and slashan, buffan and spell-slingan
>everythingwentbetterthanexpected
>party kicks me out for being a useless class
>dicks

>>16638113
So, Danny, you've fallen this far. A drug dealing vigilante with a weapons fetish and issues with authority.You really think you're some kind of legend? There are so many self proclaimed "deciders" out there just like you that it's pathetic. Your life has been a failure ever since your dissertation got you flunked for being a know-nothing hippie, hasn't it? How did mine go over? Oh yeah, I didn't have one. I shredded their sanity and still graduated with flying colors.

>>16638117
>kicks you out for being useless
>keeps the fighter
just sit back and laugh when they all die

Sweet Jumping Pelor! Danny, Oolan, if you two don't knock this petty squabbling right now I'm going to have to remind everyone about that one time in the alchemy lab.

>Go to local community college
>church of talos offers a scholarship for training to be a cleric
>I accept because my adventurer parents don't even know I exist
>be taught that Talos gives no fucks
>be taught to give no fucks
>intern at the church
>send penitents to go kill snobby wizards at the nearby university
>buy equipment way above my level because no one buys spears or javelins
>deface Lathandar statue for kicks
>statue gets struck by lightning while I'm putting on the mtal dong
>get electrocuted
>next morning, my stormlord tells me Talos found it hilarious

>>16638113
>>16638151
just fuck and get it over with already

>>16638151

You don't understand Oozy, I have infinitesimal power and for some reason all I seem to do with it is mess with people who live within a hundred mile radius of me. Some time around my mid 100s I suddenly started craving pipe weed, dressing in red robes with sequins on and eyeing lone towers in farmer's fields with a buyer's interest. I'm doing everything we made fun of our professors for when we were studying and I don't know WHY. It appears to be some kind of wizard thing. You hit a certain age and suddenly you're the guy handing out quest rewards instead of getting them, yet you can't pin point when the change happened.

I could save the world myself multiple times over and have spells to spare but I find myself polymorphing into a fox to give orphans strange ideas about autocratic government systems.

You don't understand this because you are not a wizard. You never will be Oozy. That's what this is all about. We made fun of you because you never truly felt the call of fuzzy carpet slippers, misplaced magic items and quest vending.

>>16638108

Expert-bro here, just wanting to throw out that being a dick isn't PC-exclusive, as evidenced by Mr. "I'll just throw money at people to do stupid shit and not give a fuck if they die BECAUSE I'M AN ARISTOCRAT" here.

Just because you were born with a silver fucking spoon in your mouth doesn't mean it's your god-granted right to send people to their deaths for your amusement, asshole. Those people probably had families (not that they'd ever mention it, since most PCs tend to outright deny familial bonds for some reason) that they were hoping to care for.

>>16638171
Gyuys snince whe gardiutated uyoy tewo hafre bene at eech othhers throasts. I plolymorfd en becaem a ctat on addicicent. Mym lfife scuks the msopts.

>>16638240
>I have infinitesimal power
>infinitesimal power
>infinitesimal

So, you have the smallest possible amount of power? OK then.

>>16638171
Fuck. We agreed to NEVER speak of that. I mean, we UNMADE the entire wing that ever happened in. Examine the timestream - it's GONE, as is everything within fifteen clicks. What do I have to do to make you let it go?

>>16638273
I cnan't even redade msosty of my spekl bosks aynmoetr. I jsuyt wnta to diue semotiimes.

>Serial killer
>Favorite quarry is halflings, followed closely by humans
>stalk them for days, letting them see me out of the corner of their eyes
>Kill them in the place they think is safest, just for shits and giggles
>Over 200 kills
>Guards finally catch me when they set up a clever ambush
>Given choice: Be killed and then raised as a mindless undead, or being forced through the prisoner Adventuring program
>Go for the adventuring
>Turns out I'm a fucking brilliant ranger
>Paladin and cleric of Pelor with me the whole time, not even letting me piss alone

>Shit still better than expected

The only downside was the time I tried to argue theology with the cleric. Turns every cleric of Pelor has heard the old theory of Pelor, The Burning Hate, and they are surprisingly violent in defending their viewpoint.

The gold I steal and hide more than makes up for it.

>>16638296
I want Gerald back.

>>16638338
Eh wsas my olny frioend. I msis hiim ervry dyay.

>>16638108
>>16638250

...

... the Aristocrats!

>Mime
>enemy lich
>mimic all the spells he tries to cast
>yells at me to stop making fun of him
>he gets too flustered to cast spells
>explodes from his own miscast

I remember the guy from school. He always was way too sensitive. Thought people were always making fun of him. Guess he thought being a lich would fix it.

>I'm a LG red half-dragon
>get in endless fights with dad over morality
>Eventually break off all contact with him
>Get into Fighter College
>Study hard, have incredibly hard time making tuition on my own, am employed at the college
>Some pricks from Barb U. kidnap a friend of mine
>Get her back, but end up killing barbarian leader
>Barbarian was the cousin of the UnderDean of my college
>Expelled, fired, forced to go back to father just to survive
>Week later I get offered a scholarship and readmitted at college, turns out Under Dean was plotting to destroy city
>Graduate with honors, good life
>Find out years later that Father had flown right up to the college, called the Dean and Underdean out, dumped a load of gold on the Underdean, crushing him to death, and told the dean that his employees should be more careful about where they put donation
>Dean, a neutral lich, doesn't blink (figuratively), praises dad for his rich donation, no one told me because they were terrified
>Get back together with dad, mend fences, even if that was pretty heartless

Families family.

>be a lich
>people constantly threaten to destroy my phlactery
>learn the genesis spell
>set temp of new demiplane to -250 celsius
have fun in the liquid atmosphere bitches

>>16638521
Are you from necromancy −459.67 °F?
It's you jimso?

>>16638610
Lich bro here, it isn't so good, i want to say that the sex was better... but i neither have sex... O god I miss eating food.

>>16638630
>>16638610
Halfling bard here. Don't worry, I have enough sex and eat enough food for the both of you.

>>16638644
... Gerrib? You little twit! You're the one who emptied my larder and then filled my sister!

>>16638550
sorry no

>Go to school to be a Cleric
>Don't know what God to follow
>Find a shrine to some old deity of eternal love
>Make a sacrifice of gold to her
>SHE FUCKING CONTACTS ME.
>Apparently I'm her first follower in decades, and she was about to die due to having no worshipers.
>Go back to my home town, convert the whole town
Hey /tg/, have you heard the good news of Evening Glory?

>>16638610
It's like having your most basic need being fulfilled. That's what it tastes like. The longer you've gone without having the need taken care of, the better it feels when you finally get it.

Does that help?

>>16638677
no i have not

>>16638677
I could get behind this, I've been trying to find a purpose and my deadline is coming close. If I don't find one soon I won't graduate and become a Paladin. Can't afford to fuck this up, and I think that love is real awesome.

>>16638663
He was always talking about making a frozen plane...
Poor guy, i forget a PC party killed him...
Sigh, demilichies is a bitch bro, i keep forgeting things...

>>16638693
She is the greatest Goddess in the pantheon! Her domains are love, beauty, and *mumble* undead. *mumble*

Those of us that follower her are guaranteed love, both from each other and from our Goddess, who is very personal, unlike others with hundreds of thousands or millions of followers, Evening Glory knows all of her children by name, and loves us all! And she will love us all for eternity, and all she asks in return is that we love her and each other!

>>16638693

The basic idea is that, with the help of our most beneficent goddess and the power of Necromancy, you and your loved one can remain together forever!

Order your do-it-yourself necromancy kit today, only 19.95 plus shipping and handling.

>>16638661
Well, you shouldn't have put a lock on the larder that I could break, and you should have kept better track of your sister! It's not my fault you don't care about your stuff. I mean, it's like leaving your equipment near a kender, of course it's going to get stolen.

>>16638709
Well, for you to become a divine caster of her, her daily rituals include a love poem, either about her, someone you love, or about the world in general, written and recited. If you come down to Evenisia, (formerly bumfuckistan) her holy city, I can perform the rites for you myself!

Hooray Eternal Love! I knew /tg/ could see the true eternal light of her adoration!

>>16638715
interesting though it does raise a question
if a girl was turned into a vampire when she was 10 but lived for 200 years, and you fall in love with her, does that make you a pedo?

>>16638741
She's legally over 18, so you can tap dat ass.

Or her lack of one, in this case.

>>16638741
That depends, how old are you?

>>16638741
Of course not silly! Unless you think every human in love with a halfling is a pedophile.

Evening Glory exalts all forms of love.

>>16638734
I can write poetry with my hands behind my back, I'm really starting to like this idea already. I'll ask my bro if I can borrow his mount and I'll be there in the week.

>>16638748
vampires are usually pretty well "preserved" for lack of a better term
>>16638749
21

>>16638715
>>16638734
>undead
I'm all in.
My poem
The roses are red
The violets are violet
But without you,
They are gray as my soul

>>16638750
to be fair halflings have boobs

>>16638754
Hooray!

>>16638721
THERE IS NO NECROMANCY INVOLVED WHOEVER TOLD YOU THAT IS A VILE LIAR AND IF I EVER FIND HIM I WILL.... I WILL.... Will.....
Love him. Or her.

>>16638741
Yes because pedos are pedos because they like the younger body. However, it wouldn't be illegal since she is over the age of consent. Pedophilia is wrong because the individual in question isn't old enough to make their own decisions regarding sexual relationships, and is easily taken advantage of due to lacking experience.

..What? Being a mime involves knowing pretty much every other profession there is. I just don't mimic lawyers often since you don't see them on the battle field.

>>16638771
Vampires with 200 years to learn usually have caster levels.
So she can polymorph if it weirds you out.

>>16638775
Wait, no necromancy? no eternal loving legions of undead?
FUCK YOUR SHIT BRO I'M A MAD ASS LICH AND I LOVE MY LEGIONS OF UNDEAD.
FUCK
YOUR
GODDESS

>>16638797
Well, Necromancy is just such a misunderstood word.
I mean, to someone like you who knows it, I guess it's TECHNICALLY necromancy. A little bit.
But it's not "kill people" necromancy it's, like, life preservation "necromancy"
You know, because living people are so fragile.

And most of us don't like being called undead. That's for zombies and skeletons. We prefer "the ascended"

It's a PR thing, you understand, right?

>>16638775
Yeah, just looked up Evening Glory in the library and look at her symbol! It's perfect and everything! It's literally a hand with a heart on it, just like when I'm going to be healing people. Paladin of Evening Glory, here I come!

With one touch to the soul,
I help you return to whole,
May you feel that pure love,
From my goddess far above

>>16638815
I think i like you!
WANNA COOKIES?! i bake them myself!

>>16638825
It's going to be so great having a Paladin! Especially one so gifted at writing!

The Goddess will be so pleased.

>Be a Bard
>Entire Family worships Obad Hai
>Asshole paladin tries to get me in shit for smoking the holy bud

God damn assholes. It's either Paladins who say I'm too unpredictable for everyone's own good or it's some Mage whining that I don't need Spell Components because I use my guitar as a focus, Deal with it.

>>16638843
Can liches be pallys toooo?
I always wanted to be a pally but they were mean in the school so i toke necromancy.

>look up evening glory
>has heart shaped holes cut into her hands
i can't be the only one that's curious as to how that would feel, can i?

>Be artificier
>Be in engineering class
>not allowed to use magic
>look over
>see nerd wizard using a fire touch spell to weld shit
>activate gear golem i made
>it walks up to the nerd
>wizard casts a spell
>suddenly spaghetti leaks from the wizards hat
>everyone laughs
>wizard jumps out the window leaking spaghetti while my golem project follows him
>get an E on th project
>fuck

>>16638884
from what i've been reading if there's any god that would welcome an undead paladin it's this evening glory

>>16638843
I have a question, though. My training teaches me that later I will be hurting the undead, and reading this sounds like it would make things really sad for them.

I'm a bit confused, I want to go around helping people learn to love, but there's a lot of hate for the undead and they might not like the idea. How do I fix these problems? I don't want to get kicked out of school or anything for not handling these things before showing the board my goal.

>>16638884
Of course you can! Come on down to Evenisia we'll train you and administer the rites.
And there's lots of single ladies here who aren't at all bothered by your "ascended" status. Who knows what could happen?

>>16638920
*squeals like a baby seal*
OK I'M GOINGGGGG~
I can take my ascended friends with me?

>>16638944
Of course you can! We always welcome more followers!

I never dreamed my recruitment would go so well! Praise her!

>>16638954
I was looking my agenda and they are 112 in total.

>>16638965
You know, the local clerics of Pelor are looking kind of antsy...

>>16638965
Well, so long as they're your friends, they're welcome.
That said, I MAY need to clarify something here. Can all 112 of them carry on a conversation? If not, they're not ascended, they're undead. Zombies and Skeletons and Ghasts and the like. They can't feel love, and thus can't be followers.
You can still bring them of course, they make excellent servants and workers as you surely already know, which will free you up to devote more time to the Goddess.

>>16638974
Blasted Pelor, he's such a selfish soul. He wants the world to work his way, and then he torches anyone who doesn't operate as he likes.

>>16638954
lots of gods worship dies out because of negative PR from other religions. once the badmouthing is over with people can often see gods for what they really are, and not what they're said to be. hell the whole "black cats are bad luck" thing came from people trying to badmouth bast (this is actually true)

>>16638974
Well fuck them! literally!
Also i'm the only one who actually wants to do a campaign about this?
A lich and his undead friend(who wants to be a paladin)
A priest of the loving evening glory
a guy who wants to be a paladin of evening glory

>>16639002
(guy roleplaying the cleric of EG)
If i wasn't already GMing a deathwatch campaign and playing a pathfinder one, I would DM or Play the shit out of that.

>Be a wizard
>The party thief tells me the next dungeon is going to need a lot of stealth
>Tells me to get invisimagic
>Don't have that spell
>Head to scrollstop to pick up invisibilty scrolls
>Really cute enchantress
>Oh god what do I do
>Sweat waterfalls because I'm a water mage but I'm too nervous to control my magic
>Asks me what she can do for me
>Mumble something incomprehensible out
>She starts taking out some scrolls and adding up the total
>6700 gold
>Thief only gave me 4000 for scrolls
>Have to pay out of my own pocket
>Quickly grab bag of scrolls and rush out
>Apparently she thought I said 75 Alarm scrolls
>Too nervous to go back
>Can't tell party why I have alarm scrolls instead of invisibility
>Cast them instead when in dungeon, hope everything works out
>They're all dead now
>They were my only friends
FUCKING SCROLLSTOP

>>16638974
That evil aligned wargod in disguise has no right to say a thing.

>>16639002
Paladin guy here, I'm trying to find alternate class features in the books to replace Turn Undead in a reasonable manner and then I'm rolling this puppy up.

>>16638986
Of course they can!
I'm bringing the third of my legion of the death also to make the shit for me.

>>16639021
Well, we'll hold a party then! A nearly 10% increase in followers in a single day! We'll throw a town-wide party!

>>16639010
Pretty please? *lich puppy face*

>Evening Glory undead recruitment.
>Disappointed Ardarvia.jpg
>going to need more rope.

>Be half-elf Bard
>Want this Dwarf Barbarian chick
>She's dating some cleric
>Says she needs better support in her life than I can provide

>>16639019
It would have to happen in 4e, since Evening Glory is a true Neutral God, and all the variants of paladin from 3.5 are more than 1 alignment step away from that, and earlier editions required lawful good paladins with no variation.

>>16639016
>>16638989
>>16638994

Maybe, but he is a wargod of the sun with a lot of worshippers and power...

And when his clerics start to get upset... well... how do I put this delicately...

... the more radical factions of Pelor worshippers are calling for a crusade... they tried to hire the merc company I'm with. Good thing we have a "NO Religious Involvment" clause.

>>16638677
How funny! Something very similar happened to me. I was wandering through a forest, because well, I'd been flunked out of Wizard U. after an embarrassing incident involving spaghetti and an asshole professor, and as I had spent my inheritance on tuition I left with a slight burning hatred of wizards (yes, an orphan, shit happens). I came across this old stone monolith out in the middle of the woods. Now, it sounds stupid, but I figured it was some old gods totem or something so I mumbled a little prayer out of respect. Which is right when a bandit that had apparently been following me decided to stab me in the stomach. Next thing either of us knows, we're on a island of skulls in the middle of a sea of blood!

I used the distraction to cut the bandit's head right off (and those fuckers at the college always mocked me to specializing in axes just because I needed to chop wood for myself). Then I was suddenly in a massive (town sized kinda massive, not dragon-massive) red hand staring at a huge canine head! This earshattering voice told me that he was a god far from our world, and that I was the first mortal in recent memory to contact him. We spoke for a little and then I agreed to serve him as his first worshiper.

Anyway, anyone want to worship him? He's basically Kord but with less oiled up wrestling and more rampant killing, while keeping that good old warrior's pride bit. He also hates magic-users and gives antimagic gifts! All he wants in return is skulls and blood, taken in war. Only problem is that his name is Corn, but that has actually gotten him some support among druidic circles, so eh.

>>16639061
Or pathfinder.

>Be Wizard.
>Get teased in school and early in career as adventurer.
>Get High Level. Become God. Laugh at stupid Fighters.

>>16639061
look up "the book of hallowed might", it has neutral good and chaotic good paladins

>>16639061
Clerics need to be within one alignment step, but I was under the assumption that Paladins could follow any deity, so long as it weren't of opposing values. Meaning no Chaotic and no Evil, if of the Lawful Good variety.

>>16639055
Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?

We have plenty of nice chicks your height that -won't- try to kneecap you when you piss them off on the wrong day.

>>16639068
No, I mean he is literally an evil aligned wargod.

His symbol looks exactly like an older wargod of man. Evil aligned. Totalitarian. Real jerkass. No idea where all this goodness and light and sun stuff came from.

>>16639126
Uhm, PR division probably. The problem for the worshippers of the Evening Glory, is that he is an evil aligned Wargod of the Sun... who's clerics are calling for a crusade against them. In a nation that the majority of the population worships Pelor.

I know for a fact that there are several merc groups that they've hired in preparation for it...

Makes me glad I'm not going to be in the middle of it.

>>16639063
I hope your son isn't following her footsteps into your bed.

>>16639164
Wait, they are going to hurt evening glory?

>>16639164
Oh you needn't worry about us. This has happened before, believe it or not. This is the third Evenisia that we've founded.

Funny thing about attracting liches to your cause, many of them tend to be epic-level spellcasters. With their own pocket dimensions that we can hide out in.

They'll find an empty city full of fruits and loves notes for them, explaining how we love them and forgive them for their blindness.

It's inconvenient and time consuming, but we have all the time in the world.

>>16639173
Well... Crusade generally isn't a byword for tea and crumpets, so they're probably going to try the usual "Slaughter the worshippers, salt the ground, loot and burn the temples" doctrine...

>>16639091
Looking at the variant channeling for Pathfinder, I'd be able to go for the Channel Energy (Protection) variant and be good as gold with her domains. Or if it's her personal portfolio, then the beauty/love one works out great as well.

>>16639173
not the guy you asked but from what i've been hearing the church of pelor is planning something. it's been really upsetting this niphilim cleric of pelor i know, she hates killing sentient undead (unless they go around killing people or something) and she's been talking about quitting the church

>>16639205
Hell yeah! lets to this!(just for shit and giggles)
>>16639186
Fun for me i'll do it!
>>16639187
Try to kill...
MY ARMY OF UNDEAD!
YOU CANNOT KILL THOSE WHO ARE NOT ALIVE!

>>16639213
If she makes it to Evenisia before we close the pocket dimension, we will gladly tell her all about the church and our teachings. No commitment required.

>>16639231
Please don't. We have enough PR problems as it is.

>>16639243
Okeyyyy
I'm going to make some tea.

>>16639213
Yeah, I've heard that the Pelorites are having a bit of internal division over this.

It's the ones who are bringing back the name Pelor the Burning Hate that are pushing for this. Still, it's causing a lot of tension in the church. I've heard that a number of the more pacifistic enclaves are considering converting to Lathander the Dawnlord...

>>16639231
Sorry to burst your bubble, but clerics of pelor have killed several armies of the undead and they have become exceedingly efficient at it.

You are a lich right? I hope you have protection from turning.

Not against you guys, I'm just playing Asmodeus' Advocate.

>>16639166

No, I set him straight on that early on.

>Dad, why are the other bards calling their Moms 'Practice Meat'?
>"Because they are all Slaneesh Worshiping ass-cunts, son. And if I find you trying the same thing on YOUR mother, I slay you. Don't think I won't. First off, she'll gut you alive if she heard you even THINKING of that herself. Secondly, we can replace you. Don't think for a second we don't know how..."

Then I had a talk with his fellow bards, and those ideas stopped pretty quickly.

Something about a Ducal crown and a posse of well armed guards, I imagine...

>>16639273

Pelor anti-Zombie Squad Representing.

>>16639307
zombies and sentient undead are two very different things

>>16639273
I'm not going to summon a tarrasque on them, or warp the reality to make them disappear(it's not like i warp the reality every Sunday night to play D&D with famous people) or summon demons, or even kick the shit out of orucs while i'm high.

>>16639323

If it used to bleed, we can kill it.

>Go to magic school as a warlock
>Form pact with eldritch being
>Things starting to look up!
>Wizards and sorceror from class start mocking me
>Ask me what my "owner's" name is
>Can't pronounce it
>Get made fun of more
>Try to cast a spell
>Anger outer-god
>Burst into treats

I knew I should have been a conjuror.

>>16639331
I will let you go in peace.

>>16639231
Okay, had fiddled around with a character the other day because I was looking into the Hellknight class. Made one change and now it's the perfect guy for this, unfortunately I doubt I could join in on a game right now. I threw in his progression to level 30.

Fighter 2
Paladin 8
Hellknight 10
Stalwart Defender 10

Since I rarely get to play any games, I just build characters these days. Not for optimization, just to play out character ideas. This one being a man who wanted to create a safe haven for those who wished to find peace and love, striking down those who would steal that from people, and putting himself in the way to protect them from harm. Works rather swell with this new idea.

>>16639327
>>16639323
>>16639307
>>16639273
>>16639272
The last thing the Goddess wants is War, or even just bad feelings. She loves even the misguided followers of Pelor. Nobody need fight or get hurt over this. We will leave. We've done it before.

>Be a gunslinger
>There are no guns in D&D
>Burst into treats

>>16639354
Man, i'm playing a goddamn lich, who is batshit insane, we are doing this for shit and giggles.

>>16639350

Eh, fair enough.

As long as you guys leave my lords land (and mine) well enough alone, I guess I don't have that big a beef with you...

>>16639387
We just want to be free to live our lives. The Goddess will reward your mercy.

>>16639396

And may Pelor bless your path, Anon.

>>16639164
You still miss my point.

He's not any sort of sun god. That's a very new quality hes' decided to fake. He has his origin as a human god of war. A very evil one at that. I don't mean the good kind of war where you protect what you love. I mean the kind where you rape and pillage the land and destroy anything that isn't a human being. He's very pro human and will kill any sentient that isn't human.

Seems his favorite trick lately is pretending to be a good god of the sun. Probably only a matter of time till he starts trying to convince all nonhuman sentients are innately evil.

>>16639375
dmg page 144

>>16639375
>Burst into treats
Are you a pinata?

>>16639411
Well i'm safe i'm technically human.

>>16639433
I am shocked and appalled, you can't just go around asking people that.

>>16639411
>thinks zarus is a kill everything that isn't human god
zarus tells you to spare creatures that accept that humanity is their better, if you fry everything there is nothing left to serve you.

>>16639411

I remember I was browsing the optimization builds there, and I saw that was posted to the WotC forums.

A third of the responses were bemused consideration.
A third of the responses were "in-character" refutations.
And the last third was enraged neckbeards requesting it be deleted.

>>16639448
God forbid everything not turn into HUMANITY FUCK YEAH.

>>16639449
The idea is delicious, personally. It would make for an amazing long term epic plothook in a game. How do you take out a religion as large as "Pelor"?

I went to adventuring college, and they were just going to put me into the NPC class because I'm a Doppleganger. What bullshit was that? Just because I'm considered a "monstrous humanoid", doesn't mean I should be in with the Ogres and NPCs.

So I went to a trade school, Factotum & Bard School of Trade. I got my Facotum associates, and took a few years off and got my Chameleon bachelors.

I'm laughing at all those who specialize in one thing. I'm flinging fireballs while healing you one day, the next I'm beating you over the head or sniping you from afar.

Icing on the cake, I can look like anyone, and I can read minds. I've put my training to good use as I'm now a PC for hire. I've accumulated over 100 NPC deaths. I could be anyone, any job, at any time.

I'm always up for adventuring.

>>16639507
a while back there was a crystal sphere know as the astromundi cluster that had two groups attempting to kill their suns. illithids wanted to put it out, mercane wanted to blow it up for profit

>>16636912

>>16639507
I don't think that is Humanity Fuck Yeah, so much as Convert Now or Fall Forever kind of thing.
You know, war, enslavement. I'm imagining that Zarus is not a popular god outside of nations that are rather xenophobic...

>>16639122
She has a beard like the hair of an Aasimar, golden blonde, and every moment around her, I get a -2 circumstance bonus to my CON score

>>16639675
I dated a Dwarf chick before, let me tell you a little secret... *whisper*They like it rough, so pull on her beard or hair and tell her it's time to fuck now.*whisper*. There's always a hankering of Dwarf ladies looking for taller men.

>Go to school
>halfass through classes, sleep through tests
>graduate somehow
>get internship
>boss smokes. Like, constantly. Literally have not seen him without a cigarette.
>coworkers are some fat beta and some cunt who literally only thinks about getting with this emo faggot
>fattie turns out to be a bro
>Boss just plays shogi with me all day
>have to enter tournament to get promoted
>make it through this batshit crazy forest just to get to the match
>match is easy, face some bitch.
>catch her without my shadow imitation magic
>make the dumb bitch knock herself out
>turn out it was just a qualifier
>FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

>Half-Orc Barbarian
>Mom forces me to go to classes because "Axe swinging isn't a profession", and Dad is totally whipped so he agrees.
> First day, everyone stares at my tusk.
> Teacher assumes I'm a moron and talks slow whenever they're teaching.
> Other students either run away, or mock me from a moderately safe distance (until I get a hold of a big enough rock. Take that you half-elf pretty boy... girl... thing.)
>Heading home, see a halfling chick getting picked on by a pair of fighters in training.
>Tell them its not polite to pick on someone half their size, and then proceed to grind them into the dirt.
> Halfling turned out to be a wizard, and we hit it off.
> I finally made a friend.
> Day went better than expected.

>Be a sorceror
>Skip every single magic class ever
>All exams are practical
>Ace everything without even fucking trying
>Laugh at pathetic wizards who have to lock themselves in their towers 12 hours a day and will never know the touch of a woman

>>16639019

Rebuke undead dumbass, Rebuke.

>>16640016
Fucking Narutards have to go and ruin everything

>>16640693

But you wouldn't know this was naruto unless you read/watch naruto

>>16640016
And yet, he got the promotion anyway, because he was such a smooth motherfucker.
The higher ups saw leadership potential in his approach to the whole deal.

Most of the other candidates got shuffled into run of the mill beat stick duty as regular squaddies.

>Be A SpellSword
>Hang out with fighters secretly hiding my love for magic.
>One day we're picking on a some wizard kid.
>"Watcha got there nerd?!"
>He nervously shows us a copy of LIMITED EDITION FAE MAGIC VOL III
>Take it away from him trying to contain my eagerness.
>They start to take him away for his usual roughhousing
>"ah fuck it"
> Teleport in and punch one of the guys, only to get both of our rear ends beaten to a pulp.
>Bro out with mage

Well no use hiding it anymore.

>>16640031
Barbarians are self employed. They seek out opportunities to make money on their own initiative, whether by salvaging lost or misplaced valuables, or by meeting market demand for various physical duties.

Clearly, the dear woman is mistaken.

>>16640661
Which is generally seen as an evil trait, while my character is of good alignment. Was just trying to find stuff that didn't demand me using what is generally a conflicting skill.

>>16640733
...why the hell would you beat up a guy who can burn you to a goddamn crisp or blind your ass at level 1?

Well, I mean, unless he didn't take Burning Hands or Color Spray. Then beat away.

>>16640791
Be a bone knight, they can be lawful good and use rebuke undead/undead minions.

Plus the fluff that suggests undead stuff is evil is outdated (3.0) and generally shakier than Michael J. Fox.

>>16640812
I completely forgot about the Bone Knights, and so I must thank you. I don't do much with setting specific books and tend to forget what classes are in those.

>>16640811
Because he's still in school and he can't tank worth shit.

>>16640811
Yeah, but you'd have to know that he didn't first.
And some of the mages that don't have combat spells can do nasty things anyway.

Like, you might wake up one night with an Infernal Badger in your bed.

>Be Dwarf
>Leave mountain homes to attend Fighters school
>They kick me out for being a Dwarf, apparently we can't take classes. We have only our race.
>Fuck it, grab dagger, go adventuring.
>Meet up with some Elves, they couldn't get into ranger or wizard school for same reason
>We team up
>200 years later
>Runner out of nowhere
>Invitation to teach fighter classes at same school I applied to so many years ago
>HAHA, no. Personally go back just to tell them to suck my plump helmet.

>>16640992
>Side class into Dwarf.
>Elf's never stop throwing spaghetti at me.

bump

>be a gryphon
>intelligent but can't talk
>rednecks shoot at me
>try to get a job and become a productive member of society
>end up having to lay outside a fucking library all day
>wake up with graffiti on my ass
>only ones that respect me are pansy elves and obsessed otherkin

FML. If I hear one more fucking warcraft joke I'm going to eat a bitch.

>tech priest
>not allowed to mingle with outsiders
>sit in workshoptorium all day looking at the guardsmen across the street having kickass barfights and running off with whores

>Be a druid
>walkin' through the forest
>band of alpha barbarians burning shit
>now I've lost it
>I know I'm a bear
>The truth exists beyond the woods

>be tech priest
>get bored during work, access 40,000chan
>boss sees me do this
>brief noospheric battle as I try to wipe his memory
>fail
>turned into servitor

>>16642783
Oh you.

>>16642800
>spy on colleague's noosphere for lulz
>see he's in on 40,000chan
>call boss to say I need help with something
>boss passes by colleague's office
>PROMOTIONS!

>Be a Alchemist.
>Going to University, Theory of Arcanodynamics class.
>Forgot my cauldron at the dorm.
>Conjures a Homunculus to retrieve it to me.
>Botch the summoning, Tuna Sandwich drops into ritual circle.
>Conjure Sandwich Homunculus, with head of tuna.
>Everyone laughs.
>Barbarian Jock takes bite off Tuna head it.
>Run to Dorm crying in tears.

>Next day, someone crashes through my dorm.
>Barbarian Jock now has a tuna Head, demands my help or he'll kill me.
>I agree.
>Turn him into my Homunculus.

Had him ever since.

>be a steel jawed angry Commissar
>go to battle
>meet eldar woman, tries to ignore and *BLAM*
>a mysterious emotion occurs
>that eldar bitch stole my heart and ran off to her craft world
>my guardsmen still talk of this brief "romance"
>still expecting inquisition too *BLAM* me....
>we still exchange sweet words via long range vox and data slates given too me by random couriers

>>16642962
So, did love bloom?

>innate ability to use magic
>Cowled Dickzards won't let me use magic (without a hefty donation)
>you need to be an aristo in order to enter any of the magic schools
>no social mobility
>I am the 99%

>>16642863

>Be a Alchemist
>A Alchemist

Expert-bro from before here. How in the HELL did you manage Alchemy, which is six kinds of difficult and requires making DAMNED sure you don't miss anything AT ALL in the formulas, if you mess up basic grammar like that?

Nah, but I'm kidding. Mostly. Alchemy looked like it'd be a BITCH from the bit in NPC Crafting 101 that covered the uses for Craft most PCs are willing to take. So many formulas and so much math.

How's being an alchemist treatin' ya, then? I bet it's pretty challenging since there's a lot of competition out there on the "standard issue" front - Alchemist's Fire and things like that. How do you stand out?

>graduate high school with flying coloure
>apoly to all sorts of arcanist post-secondary institutions
>affirmative action schools and poor parents mean that the only school I can afford to go to is this half-divine tree-hugging bard/Druid focused school

Without a doubt the worst years of my life. Could've been worse, though...I mean, at least I'm a sorcerer, so I kinda fit in. There was this wizard kid I knew who just dropped out after three years of applying to different schools.

>>16636459
>At Wizards College
>Read up on a few old books I found on wildmagic to impress chicks
>Headmaster is presenting some new shit
>Brought out ancient giganturan wargolems and calling down meteors and stuff like that
>Hot chick besides me
>Try and impress her with this new spell I learned
>Wild surge like a boss.
>Anti-magical zone, 300 feet around me
>Ancient golems collapse, meteors fall to the ground and the magical barriers holding up out headmaster over the magical lake dies out.
>Walk away silently and avoid suspiscion
>Realise I just ruined arch mage spells, destroyed ancient enchantments and basically defeated a wizard at least 10 times my level
>Alpha_Mode_Initiated
>End up getting head from that chick.

everything_went_better_than_expected.jpeg.avi.tiff.bat

>>16643478
Well I specialize in Homunculi construction. Starting from the basic flesh golem template to much more advance life like templates, that can eat, sleep and breath and go on forever. And hopefully have all the positive attributes of being alive and none of the bad. So people don't all have to become liches to live forever.

My area of expertise isn't as demanded as the other Alchemical fields, but it has some practical applications in philosopher's stone creation. My research is going into ways of achieve crafting philosopher's stones cheaper and easier with minimum risks to the alchemist themselves. And hopefully if my research bares any fruit I can mass produce Immortal Homunculi bodies of which alchemists can catalyze to create their own stones.

Yeah I know Alchemy is a pretty hard discipline to master. The trick to learning all the formulas is that they're all integrated to each other. If you know one formula you can derive all the others.

Also your reference tables and text is your bible. Read them every god damn day. And once you get to the upper years, it is sometimes necessary to develop your own reference charts, and tables of all the constant values through experimentation. This is probably one of the reasons so many alchemists fail. You need to develop your formulas that works for you, because each alchemist do the rituals and crafting techniques in lightly different manners. And these tiny differences lead to large deviations in results.

I hope that helps.

>>16646075

Oh, no. I wasn't trying to suggest I -wanted- to be an Alchemist - one of the things that my professors espoused on the notion was that you had to have a little bit of caster in you to do anything with it, and I've established that I'm no good with Magical Theory, much less the practical end of it, and a lot of what you said looked like it was aimed at somebody working to become one.

Just a little curious, that's all. I generally think that I'm a pretty smart guy - I focused on unusual Craft and Knowledge skills at College, myself - but magical stuff and me get along like oil and water, and alchemy falls into that category.

And you've proven it to be just as much of a pain in the ass as I thought it was from that small lecture about it that my prof gave back then. More, even.

>An exchange student from other dimension.
>Already aced Alchemy honors, Necromancy honors if measuring by standards of your educational system.
>Want to become a Lich.
>Already saving money for my dungeon's library.
>My strength and endurance are too high for a necromancer (Father is a Barbarian, wanted me to become one too, was beating the shit out of me, while I read grimoirs)
>My counselor enrolls me in fighting orientated classes.
>No magic classes at all.
>FFFFFUUUUUUUUUU
>Okay.
>Only people who are talking to me are jocks, mage nerds are afraid of me.
>Some alpha says, that he will kill every fighter in my class< who even thinks about magic. Teacher agrees.
>FFFFFUUUUUUUUUU
>Okay.
>Meet a nice drow chick.
>Spend a lot of time hanging out with her.
>Never told her I'm a Necromancer, because afraid of gossips.
>Find her being nice and cute, specializes in conjuration.
>Ask her out.
>She tells me that I'm nice, but I'm a "dumb" fighter which doesn't understand magic, "Let's just be friends."
>FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!111
>Rage Burst.
>Agonise her.
>Feels bad, man. Need to apologize.
>In hospital walk to her bed, with a skull of my arch-enemy (Really miss that guy, his skull is very important to me.) as a present.
>She asks me to sit down near her.
>Think thst now she'll have her revenge at me. Probably Acid Bomb in my face or Shrapnel.
>Asks me to look into her eyes.
>Oh, definitely Shrapnel.
>Plants a kiss on my cheek,
>Myface.jpg
>Tells me that will wait for me tommorow in the park.
>everything_went_better_than_expected.jpeg

>Be a fighter
>fucking wizards all high and mighty in the upper towers of the school
>me and my fighter friends sneak into the dorms
>steal a bag of holding
>take out everything, fill with spaghetti
>keep an eye on the wizard kid that owned it
>he tries to take out something from it
>spaghetti everywhere
>fucking piss myself laughing

>Be a pokemon trainer
>realize this is a d&d thread
>wizards and fighters making fun of my colorful clothes and talking pokedex
>Decide to show them
>Throw pokeball
>It's full of spaghetti
>try for another, it's also spaghetti
>Start shitting and pissing myself in embarrassment
>everyone panics
>fire and brimstone coming down from the skies
>forty years of darkness, earthquakes, volcanoes
>the dead rising from the grave
>human sacrifices
>cats and dogs living together
>mass hysteria
>random Ghostbusters quote

>Lived in a monastery most of my childhood.
>Learned martial arts and honed my mind in solitude.
>Then a women came claiming to be my mother.
>Took my to a far away forest to become a Druid.
>That was sixty years ago.
>I am a bear now. Don't ever really take my born form any more.
---------------------------
>Something odd happened while resting in the mountains one cool Spring.
>One of the tots from the Grove came up to me and declared me her animal companion.
>Humored her and watched over her for several years.
>She's grown up to become a fine young Druid.
>When asked why she keeps a grizzled old bear like me around she only replied thus, "My bear knows Kung-Fu."
LaughingBear.jpg

>student from an absolute reality plane
>expect causality, try to delineate and understand natural laws
>everyone points and laughs, teachers and students alike
>some furniture too

>>16649984
I approve.

bump