rolled 65 = 65

Get ready to go to the race, making sure our speeder is working.

Then try learning Warp Sorcery.

rolled 94 = 94

It's good to see you're still alive, heresy.

Let's start this off right. Check our speeder, status update on the Tau rebellion, continue mass producing SDCSs, and make sure our Tau slaves on Tch'tal aren't planning a rebellion.

Then get a blowjob and GET TA DA RACE YA GIT.

Bumping, because the page isn't loading right and I don't know if anyone's posted yet.

rolled 81 = 81

You will never be.
As good a scrapyard engineer as Skruffy.

Annnnnnyway

I want to order some breakfast. Healthy breakfast is a good start to a days Heresy.

good to see the story of our Alpha class ginger back on track

[spoiler] let's hope Khorne doesn't return [/spoiler]

>>16170271
>>16170285
Ordering the Mork's Klaw chef to bring you something to eat, you receive a quick hour of oral sex while you wait. Dismissing the Eldar crewmen as your breakfast arrives, you dig into the meal, finishing it quickly so as to get on with your day. Most human beings couldn't stomach raw squig, but it seems you're the exception. As the Ork chef takes the empty dish from your quarters, you leave as well, off to get an update on the Tau rebellion.

On the bridge within moments, your first officer seems to be missing, though you pay it no mind. Your Sister of Battle bodyguards seem almost reassured by the lack of Eldar in the command center, though you suppose the presence of Tau would bother them almost as much. Paying no mind to those around you after this observation, you order those at their posts to update you on the situation. Though it's not designed for it, the command center of the Klaw makes for an amazing governmental core, the easy interfacing with the cogitators making managing your affairs as easy as reading a book.

The updates are as follows:

The Tau rebels have won a major victory against the Tau Empire, their rag-tag navy apparently having the benefit of a less centralized chain of command, giving them the ability to act on their own. As such, they've pushed back the Tau Imperial forces nearby, with heavy losses on both sides. Several of the Tau Rebel planets have begun using a cheap currency made of a rare metal most common in the Tch'tal system. Hmm.

Supa Dakka Choppa Shootas have continued to be mass produced, with almost 500,000 currently in existence. You've begun running out of parts to make them out of, therefore are now making your own. Though of the same quality as the others, the newer ones take 5x as long to make. If you adapted your forges though, or worked on the base model, you're sure you could increase output.

>>16170497
The Tau on Tch'tal, affected by your psychic might, are ever loyal and submissive. Or so it seems. A few of your Tau crewmen have gone missing while on leave there, but your assistants assure you that it's nothing to be worried about.

You are now in orbit over Tch'tal, with your Supadeff Jetbike being unloaded as you speak, down to the starting line of Da Race. You are in your private shuttle, in contact with the Tau leadership of the planet. Their grovelling, while irritating, does stroke your ego something fierce.

Down below, a massive cut through the planet's surface glimmers in the green sky. The track, stretching on for hundreds of miles, is made not only to allow for speed, but any dirty trick those on it can think of. Land mines, among other things, are planted randomly along its length. And all across it, crowds of citizens have gathered, along with many Orks. They're all waiting for the race to start.

What do?

rolled 98 = 98

Wait to get down to the planet, then tell the governors they'd better beg you to not destroy their ecosystem.

Then let's race our ass off.

rolled 11 = 11

Fuck yeah, heresy quest!

Have we exploded people with our mind yet? Let's explode one of the Tau with our mind.

Bumping for interest.

Oh fucking cool, we're back!

>>16170581
This.

rolled 88 = 88

Use our amazing power to rip knowledge of Warp Sorcery from the Warp itself. I want a Daemonbound Jetbike!

Bump

>>16170581
>>16170687
With the governors of Tch'tal begging you to not eradicate all life on the planet during the race, you mock them for a bit, and decide you want to imbue your Supadeff Jetbike with Daemons. Not the most impressive thing you've ever done, but it's no doubt original.

Reaching out into the immaterium, you search for knowledge. Knowledge of Sorcery, and power. Locating a few feeble, powerless sorcerers within your fleet, you summon up what might you can and push your way past their mental defenses. With your immense Warp presence, you find it a simple matter to tear the knowledge of sorcery from their memories, though of course applying it is another matter. With the horror of the Warp running through your mind unfiltered, you mentally force yourself into a state of hypnosis, as you carefully categorize and catalog the ideas you've stolen.

With that done, you open your eyes. Your bodyguards are standing at attention, seeming to have been waiting for you to leave your shuttle for quite some time. Smiling, you pull yourself to your feet, and exit the vehicle. All around you, a crowd of Tau and Orks are cheering, the Orks cheering far louder than the Tau, but in fewer numbers. Waving at them, you mount the Jetbike placed at the end of the walkway, and take off for the starting line.

>>16170840
Passing through workshops filled to the brim with random bits of gubbins and teknologee, you examine your rivals in the race. Orks, painting themselves red, are working tirelessly on their vehicles, with each one a seemingly random arrangement of bits of junk they no doubt found in a dump. As you enter the workshop at the end of the hall, you turn off your unmodified Jetbike, and move towards the Supadeff. Techpriests and Tau technicians work on it without a single sign of letting up, as one of them nervously greets you.

"My lord, the, ahem, gravity hook turned off when the bike was halfway to the surface. It fell the rest of the way."

Looking over at your vehicle, you can easily see the damage from the impact. It's almost totally destroyed.

>>16170843
What do?

>>16170847
FIX IT!
GET ME TWO HUNDRED GALLONS OF RED PAINT, THREE GROTS AND A ZZAP GUN!

rolled 57 = 57

>>16170843

nothing we can't fix , we make the daemon inside sprout wings on the bike

rolled 49 = 49

>>16170843
Roll to disbelieve.

rolled 34 = 34

>>16170843
Find out whose fault that was.

rolled 51 = 51

Use our new Warp Sorcery to bind a Daemon into each part of the bike, with 1001 Daemons in total. Then, with our magics holding them in place, we'll repair the bike around them, forever locking them within its frame.

NOTHING COULD POSSIBLE GO WRONG.

>>16170847
Reach out with your mind and dig through the head of the grav-hook operator to see if this was jus happenstance.

Repair the bike as quickly as possibl, by whatever means necessary.

rolled 51 = 51

>>16170843
We're orky as fuck!
Nothing's wrong with our vehicle!

>>16170903
Rollan?

rolled 6 = 6

>>16170875
Second.

>>16170920
'dice+1d100' in the email field, without quotes.

Damn.

rolled 16 = 16

>>16170920
No U.

rolled 78 = 78

What bike?
We are obviously flying through the course.

Fuck bikes.

rolled 51 = 51

>>16170903
Got it.

rolled 14 = 14

>>16170843
>>16170840

GODDAMN!
WHAT GIT SKREWD UP, EY?

>>16170950
>>16170904
>>16170897
>51 51 51 51 51 51

God damn Area 51, controlling our rolls.

rolled 4 = 4

>>16170843
>>16170847
>>16170840
Convert it into a flight-capable suit of power armor, designed to fit over our Archeotech dress uniform.

Then bind it with Daemons and fly through the course. While on fire. And punching people in the face.

rolled 70 = 70

>>16170843
If we paint the techpriests and Tau technicians red, will they work faster?

>>16170843
Use wraithbone to fixe it!

rolled 74 = 74

>>16171053
damn, forgot this was DICE ROLLAN" THE QUESTENAN!

>>16171021
But...
AdMechs are already red, right?

Does that make them infrared?

>>16170943
Shrugging, you decide that bikes are for pussies. Real men fly under their own power. Leaving the techpriests to their work, you push the Tau technician out of the way and march out onto the starting line. The ground beneath your feet ignites in flames as you draw energy from the Warp, pulling the dirt around you into a solid metal chair. Seating yourself at the edge of the starting line, you take in the cheers of the crowds as they realize who you are. Whether it's out of love or fear, they yell out to you in support.

As you wait patiently in the morning sun, you are soon joined by dozens of other racers, all fighting for the starting position. Their vehicles are a bizarre and messy arrangement of Eldar, Tau, and Ork technology. There's even a Magos waiting to begin the race, his massive tank seeming to be based off of spaceborn aircraft. Soon enough, they've settled into position, the Eldar jetbike pilots crowding the front of the pack. It seems their vehicles were small enough for them to sneak through the Ork blockade. One of them addresses you, his eyes full of youthful pride.

"Where's your bike, mon-keigh? How are you gonna race without one of those primitive vehicles you fuckers ride?"

He doesn't seem to know who you are.

>>16171067
Infrared is for Ork time travel.

>>16171105
We have male eldar now? Eeeeeew.

rolled 85 = 85

>>16171105
Punch him in the face with a knife, and pull out one of his eyes.

rolled 100 = 100

>>16171105
Throw his bike into the sky. With him still on it, preferably.

rolled 86 = 86

>>16171105
Grow an entire vehicle out of the wraithbone writhing around your shoulders.

"oh, it's around somewhere"

>>16171152

oh my...

>>16171152
And so it begins once more.

rolled 71 = 71

>>16171183
Fairly certain I mentioned back in thread one that /tg/ dice don't roll low, they just had a low average before this quest to save up.

>>16171152
No face when we throw him over the finishing line.

test

rolled 24 = 24

Oh boy, here we go.

>>16171152
Grabbing the Eldar's bike with one hand, you lift it into the air and begin swinging it around. Infusing your muscles and skeleton with the power of the Warp, you telekinetically hold the Eldar on the bike even as he struggles to escape from it. With one last, mighty swing, you throw the bike with all the power you can muster, tossing it into orbit. Whether or not the Eldar survives is the real question now.

Sitting in your iron chair once more, you glare at the Eldar around you. They slowly move away from you, all of them failing to meet your gaze. The Orks take their place, several of whom claim that to have been "Da roight Orkiest fing eva."

Within a few moments of your throwing an Eldar out of the atmosphere, the race begins, the apparent impossibility of that feat being all the motivation the racers need to take off running. Or driving, as it happens. And you race with them, getting an early start by flying over the competition. An even dozen Orks explode after about three seconds, with bits of metal and jets of flame shooting outwards into the crowds. As you soar over the plains of Tch'tal, you expertly dodge the initial field of proximity activated land mines, those that do explode propelling your body over those that do not.

A few minutes pass, with the racers behind you catching up. A pair of Eldar twins are in the lead on a double jetbike, followed closely by a heafty red-colored Nob with wheels and an engine attached to his crotch. Behind them, a large metal bowl filled with gretchins, all of who are fighting over control of the steering wheel. Behind the bowl-gretchins is a Tau hovercraft, apparently using a gravity hook to pull itself along using the gretchins, with the hovercraft followed by a trio of techpriests on a treaded tank!

You're 400 miles from the finish line, and moving at almost 600 MPH. What do?

>>16171522
>600 MPH

Sorry, 300 MPH. Accidentally doubled it in my head.

>>16171522
Create a warp windshield to prevent !!BUGS!!

>>16171522
Wacky Races: Heresy Edition!

rolled 61 = 61

>>16171534
damnit

rolled 47 = 47

>>16171522
Increase speed.

>>16171522
Go faster. Think the chair red, and call all the orkz attention.

rolled 43 = 43

>>16171562
DERP

rolled 70 = 70

>>16171522
Do we recognise any of the racers?

rolled 27 = 27

>throwing an Eldar into orbit
>flying at 300 MPH in a race on a Tau planet we've enslaved
>not giving a single fuck

I love this quest.

Slow down suddenly and kick the Nob in the face, then get back up to speed.

>>16171581
You've no idea who any of them are.

rolled 75 = 75

>>16171522
Turn around in midair, and begin a conversation with the Eldar twins.

rolled 51 = 51

There is only one thing to do.
SET OURSELVES ON FIRE!
The red flame will make us go fasta!

rolled 60 = 60

>Build fuckawesome instant win speeder.

>It breaks.

>Not a fuck given.

>Summon a chair from the warp.

I don't even care what happens next, there's nothing more badass than us already.

rolled 80 = 80

>>16171522
>Eldar twins

HNNNNNG

Go win the race. Throw rocks and delayed explosions using psyker abilities. Collapse parts of the road into sinkholes. Cheat like a motherfucker.

rolled 91 = 91

>>16171605
Check for Dem Tits, and Dat Ass, no point in chatting up male eldar twins

rolled 26 = 26

>>16171605
TWINS THEY ARE!

Male or female? That is quite important when it comes how we will deal with them.

rolled 80 = 80

Attempt to get into the Eldar twin's pants.

Simultaneously.

At 300 mph.

>>16171522
First is the Turbo Terrific, driven by Psyker Perfect
Maneuvering for position is the Mechanicus Surplus Special.
And here comes the Gretchin Mob in their Bulletproof Bowl
There's ingenious inventor Aun'pending in his Convertacraft
Leaping after them is the Red Nob
In second place is that Mean Machine and those double-dealing do-baders, Dannan Dakiilithyli and his twin Marathag

rolled 94 = 94

>>16171657
>In second place is that Mean Machine and those double-dealing do-baders, Dannan Dakiilithyli and his twin Marathag

You know you've just signed their death sentence, right?

>>16171627

>male or female

I already thought that all the eldar in our crew where all female

>>16171667
death? no, hijinks? YES!
AND STOP THE PSYKER
STOP THE PSYKER
STOP THE PSYKER
STOP THE PSYKER
STOP THAT PSYKER HOW?

rolled 8 = 8

>>16171682
No, only the ones on our ship were all female, we proceed to capture an additional 6 eldar ships with mixed crews.

rolled 49 = 49

I don't suppose we can turn the Eldar twins female, can we?

rolled 44 = 44

>>16171736
We are an alpha plus psyker, we can probably turn them into female /triplets/

Also captcha is being an asshole tonight

rolled 67 = 67

>>16171522
Female twins they are.
To be inducted into our SoB bodyguard after the race.

>>16171736
>>16171772
>>16171783
what is WRONG with you people? let the wacky race happen!

rolled 87 = 87

speed down to Nob with Crotch contraption, kick him in balls

rolled 46 = 46

>>16171522
Use our psyker powers to turn the red-coloured Nob blue.

rolled 89 = 89

>>16171897
No.

Blue is lucky, remember?

Turn him magenta.

>Me: random detail about Eldar twins on a bike
>/tg/: WE MUST FUCK THEM!
Sounds about right.

>>16171625
>>16171649
>>16171845
Performing a sudden air braking maneuver, you slow and allow the Eldar twins to soar past you, examining them as they go. On both pairs of bodies are Dem Tits and Dat Ass(es) visible. Chuckling to yourself as you accelerate forward, you grab onto their jetbike and leap from your chair, the iron seat hovering at their exact speed next to their bike. The Eldar are shocked at this turn of events, attempting to kick you off their bike with their wraithbone-toed shoes. All the while, you're hitting on them, propositioning them for sex. Though at first they seem to ignore your advances, you're oh-so-charming. Soon enough, you can sense them becoming aroused, and take advantage of that fact, pulling down their panties and whipping out your dick in the time it takes a normal human to blink.

>Having a threesome at 300 MPH has gained you the new reputation: Mega-pimp

With the Eldar twins asleep on your groin, you take the wheel, moving the jetbike over to the Nob and kicking him in the balls. Though Orks lack genitalia, his engines being attached to where they would be allows your kick to have the desired effect. One of the wheels buckles, and the Nob swerves to the side, impacting the Techpriest Tank and sending it falling off the edge of a cliff. The Nob blocking the now very thin road through the mountain range, a combination Tau/Ork craft explodes on impact with it, though those vehicles previously in the lead remain so as you enter the jungle.

1. You and the Eldar Twins, tied for the lead
2. The Gretchin Bowl
3. The Gravity Hooker
4. Some Eldar riding on an Ork riding on a Jetbike
5. An Imperial Guard Commissar standing on a tank waving his sword around
6. A blue Mekboy in a robot spider
???. That guy you threw into space

200 miles to the finish line!

>>16171963
>tapping dat ass at 300 MPH
>kicking a Nob off a cliff
>reputation: Mega-pimp

rolled 91 = 91

>>16171963
>5. An Imperial Guard Commissar standing on a tank waving his sword around

I like this one. Let him finish second.

rolled 25 = 25

>>16171963

have a swordfight with the Commissar while juggling Eldar twins

rolled 76 = 76

>4. Some Eldar riding on an Ork riding on a Jetbike

you mount the eldar rider

you are now riding a eldar thats riding a ork that is riding on a jetbike

>>16172061
With the twins in our lap!

>>16172061

rolled 41 = 41

>>16171963
Wake the twins, tell them that they are now our GLORIOUS TEAMMATES and have them prepare for battle while we drive.

rolled 45 = 45

>>16171963
>impacting the Techpriest Tank

Not the Techpriest Tank. It was so moe~

rolled 46 = 46

>>16172190
Well, now it's Moe-guro.

rolled 15 = 15

>>16172209
Wish it back to moe~ life.

rolled 13 = 13

>>16172242
Seconding this.

Make it and the tech priest even more moe~ than they were before!

rolled 33 = 33

>>16172269
>Seconding this.
+1
Sugoi moe tank-kun onii-chan monotogari desu!

>>16172067
>>16172061
>>16172010
Grabbing the twins, you toss them into the air with a flourish, backflipping off the jetbike and onto the Eldar/Ork/Bike. The twins wake suddenly and scream as they fall into your arms, their double jetbike slowing down and attaching itself to the EldOrk Bike. The Ork below you grunts and attaches the double bike to the single bike with some red paint, and with the addition of the paint, your whole vehicle takes off, the Eldar you're riding on yelling in pain as you use his hair to avoid falling off. With your iron chair orbiting you, the twins also shout out in fear as the pyramid of racers passes into a tunnel.

Leaning back as if playing a game of Limbo, you hang on for dear life, the Ork driving ramming the Gretchin Bowl into the wall. With the Gretchin Bowl suddenly halting in its tracks and exploding, the Gravity Hooker has nowhere to go but straight into the rubble, a single rock crushing its Non-Melee Oriented ass.

With the Imperial Guard Commissar fighting with the robot spider, you're free to take the lead, surfing on the now unconscious Eldar, who you realize is in fact glued to the Ork. The twins on your shoulders, you laugh insanely as you approach the finish line.

1. You/Eldar twins/Eldar&Ork
2. Imperial Commissar with a sword/Mekboy on a robot spider
3. The Techpriest Tank, pulling out of the jungle and covered with bees
4. Some Guardsmen attached to a jet engine, seemingly against their will

Miles to finish line: 14

>the techpriest tank

So moe~

>covered in bees

P_P

rolled 35 = 35

>>16172377
Sacrifice our mount to Khorne (or anyone really) for a speed boost on our chair. Start shooting rapidly and widely into the air.

rolled 15 = 15

>>16172377
>1. You/Eldar twins/Eldar&Ork
2. Imperial Commissar with a sword/Mekboy on a robot spider
3. The Techpriest Tank, pulling out of the jungle and covered with bees
4. Some Guardsmen attached to a jet engine, seemingly against their will

THEY ARE ALL GLORIOUS!
USE PSYKER POWER SO ALL OF THEM CROSS THE LINE AT THE SAME TIME!

rolled 48 = 48

jump off ork/eldar just before the finish. proceed to pleasure the twins, making them climax as we complete the race. WALK over the finish line. and win.

rolled 95 = 95

>>16172428
MALAL GUIDE MY DICE!

rolled 81 = 81

>>16172377
We are so taking on that tech priest into our retinue after this is over. And if anyone krumps him, we'll krump them. A bunch of times if we have to!

>this quest

WHERE HAS THIS BEEN ALL MY LIFE?

>>16172377

>>16172434
Drawing from your body your very life force, you pull at the Warp, twisting and shaping space on a whim. Reality bending to your will, all the various vehicles accelerate suddenly and out of control. Flying towards the finish line at nine hundred miles per hour, the forward most atom of every vehicle is aligned perfectly by the time the finish line comes into view. The ramp ahead, over a massive lava flow, seems to buckle as you approach, finally snapping in half as you touch its edge. The massive metal sheet falling to the ground, the racers push against it, flying into the air and falling to the ground. Impacting the soil in front of the finish line, all the vehicles in the race grind past it at the same time, the guardsmen engine detaching itself from its passengers and exploding in mid air.

The Tau coordinators begin launching fireworks as you pull yourself off the comatose Ork and Eldar, helping the Eldar twins to their feet. The announcer, at a loss for words, sputters and tries to find a language to express the events that have just unfolded before him. Hearing screaming up above, the Eldar pilot you threw into orbit before the race falls from his now out of control jetbike and careens into the Imperial Commissar, who proceeds to hit him in the face with the flat of his sword.

The Tau crowd begins to cheer, the shock of the race passing and fading away into post traumatic stress, with the out of control jetbike hitting the side of a nearby hill.

>Reputation Gained: Tch'tal Grand Prix Survivor

>Due to the excessive Orky-ness of the Tch'tal Grand Prix, you've gained the reputation: Orkiest 'Umie Ever

>>16172638
The crowds, not to be denied a chance to meet those victors of the race, break through the gates separating the track from the stands and rush towards you, shouting for autographs and other things of that nature.

What do?

rolled 88 = 88

Let's get some bitches and go back to the ship. Also, see where the fuck Bubbles is, she should be here to congratulate us.

rolled 24 = 24

>>16172653
Reach out and rape their minds, subtly but with force. Excessive use of visions where upon you rape them physically and individually should do just fine.

rolled 8 = 8

>>16172638
Kiss our new tech priest pal.

rolled 27 = 27

>>16172653
Use the warp to permanently tattoo your name into every spectator present.

rolled 26 = 26

>>16172678
we killed her.

anyways, aquire bitches, get some photos for the room, and get back to the ship.

also ask about our jetbike. and the mechanicus if he wants to join us.

rolled 3 = 3

>>16172695
That entire thread was retconned out of existance

rolled 98 = 98

>>16172678
And check on the Nurgle moon when you are up there, unless it is currently viable from the ground.

rolled 21 = 21

>>16172653
Sign the autographs. Talk to the other racers about joining your retinue, we could always use more people.

>>16172710

>Visible*

rolled 59 = 59

>>16172705
>>16172678
Don't open that can of worms.

Do find our admech friend and his moe~ moe~ tank,

>>16172710
>>16172678
Shouting out triumphantly, you gaze upwards at the Nurgle Moon, the symbol of Nurgle carved into its tidally-locked face. With the moon orbiting closest to Tch'tal, you can't help but feel a great sense of doom regarding the planet's future. Dismissing that careless thought, you proposition the Eldar twins and several more women from the crowd and make your way to the edge of the stadium, as several more vehicles begin barreling up the track. The vehicles crashing into those already turned off, the crowd continues to swarm the track. Signing the occasionally autograph, at last you exit the stadium, those who did not participate awestruck by the feat of merely surviving the race.

Entering your private shuttlecraft, you and the 'bitches' enjoy yourselves as you leave the atmosphere, soon enough taking the party to your quarters on Mork's Klaw. Entering the room already partially drunk, you discover Bubbles waiting for you at your desk, half naked. Her smiles fades to a frown within nanoseconds.

"Oh, I see. I'll just leave you then, shall I?"

rolled 86 = 86

Talk to the AdMech tankers, see what's up.

rolled 71 = 71

>>16172853
Ask her to join you, obviously.

rolled 49 = 49

>>16172866
THIS

Where's our new bro (s)?

>>16172866
>am too late
>am sad

>>16172892
>am sad with you

rolled 86 = 86

>>16172883
This.

>>16172853
Shit, man. She's our first officer and first lady. She gets priority over our bitches.

rolled 50 = 50

>>16172945
how do i into remembering to roll

>>16172913
Taking a drink from a bottle of Ork rum, you politely request that Bubbles joins you in your party. While normally such an attempt would fail, you posses the Reputation: Mega-pimp; as such, you manage to convince Bubbles to join your new friends. Though she's less than happy at first, pouting on the end of your couch furthest away from you, your natural charm and general pimp-like attitude win her over. A massive orgy commences, lasting for the rest of the day and night. You seem to recall some Sisters of Battle joining in, but by the time you wake up they're gone, and you're very very hung over.

It is currently 11AM in the morning. You're hung over, and there's a letter taped to your forehead. Inside, a request from the Tau rebels for your assistance in an upcoming battle. They've promised you as much material wealth as you can plunder, if you'll only help them seize a nearby system. Looking around, you pull Bubbles and the other females off yourself and get up from your bed.

What do?

rolled 71 = 71

>>16173042
Admech.

rolled 46 = 46

Move our fleet to the designated system and take it over before the rebel can. Because it'll be funny to watch them get butthurt.

rolled 32 = 32

>>16173042
Double on the Admech bros

rolled 53 = 53

Get high and then go to the system the Tau rebels asked us about.

rolled 81 = 81

Call Khorne and see how he's doing.

>>16173139
No, Call Nurgle and see what he thinks of the moon. Khorne still seems like a bad idea.

And If he wants any favors, I guess.

rolled 31 = 31

>>16173172

Shit. Missed email somehow.

rolled 79 = 79

>>16173042
With all this sex craze, wouldn't Slaanesh take a particular notice in us?

rolled 21 = 21

Oh just give the admech guys their wish so they can open up their votes.

>>16173189
It is, but Tzeentch clames ownership and they're still fighting over it. Khorne's probably pissed we bitched out his fight. And we still owe Nurgle for his help.

Malal has been known to help out with rolls every now and then.

rolled 59 = 59

>>16173042
Ignore the request, call up the techpriest (because people seem to want it)

Then set course with your entire fleet (minus the 5 ships supporting the rebellion) for commoragh

rolled 93 = 93

>>16173206
We don't owe nurgle anything, he helped us, and we carved his symbol into the moon over the planet.

We don't owe any of the chaos gods anything, and it's really for the best to not poke them.

I mean, burn the warp around their ears and everything if they fuck with us, it's just I'm not sure how to do that... yet.

rolled 83 = 83

>>16173237
Also, I'd be fine with Malal, he's a true bro-tier chaos god, he'd betray us due to his nature, but so long as we spread strife and discord he wouldn't actually fuck with us himself.

>>16173237
Hope your roll makes that happen.

The sign thing was just a whim to keep things cool until we had a moment to try and talk with him. Pretty sure we'll still have to do something for the guy, but I dunno. At any rate, if we do it's best to pay up on those debts ASAP.

rolled 100 = 100

>>16173256
The sign thing basically gave him dominion over the entire planet, it gave him a hell of a lot more than the help he gave us was really worth.

>>16173284
I believe you.

>>16173284
damn, that was a wasted 100

>>16173189
>>16173139
>Chaos God Meeting Time!

Reaching out through space and time and death, your mental tendrils twist their way through the Warp, pulling it open for your soul to enter. Anchoring your mind to your body with as much power as you can, you find yourself floating in your favorite void as you attempt to reach out to Khorne and Slaanesh. Voices boom around you as you do so.

"Oh, it's you again. Hehehe. I'm glad to see you're enjoying yourself. It pleases me."
"FUCK YOU, I STILL FUCKING HATE YOU. EVEN IF THAT RACE WAS FUCKING METAL AS FUCK. FUCK OFF. FUCK!"
"Very eloquent, Khorne. I'm glad to see you haven't lost your touch."
"OH FUCK OFF TZEENTCH, YOU-"
"Hello friends!"
"Dammit, I told you to not touch me! I mean, ew! Have you looked at yourself?"
"Appearances don't matter. All that matters is your heart."
"Uh huh. Tell me, sweet thing, how come you've only carved Nurgle's symbol into that moon? I mean, you've got four others to work with, why not use those to praise the god we all know is your favorite?"
"FUCK NO, I DON'T WANT THIS ASSHOLE-"
"Look, Khorne, calm the fuck down. Really. Like I explained to you before, we need him for later. You can't just go around killing people for no reason forever."
"LIKE HELL I CAN'T!"
"This is getting us nowhere. Listen, my child. You need to go forth and acquire territory. Help the Tau, befriend them, and spread dise-"
"Look, just go conquer the Tau, ok?"
"And Commorragh."
"No, Slaanesh, that's only you that wants him to do that."
"I DON'T WANT THE BITCH TO DO ANY-"

Feeling this conversation to be a lost cause, you activate your mental anchor. Ripping your soul through the Warp, you lash backwards into your mind, your thoughts once more constrained by your organic body. You feel ill, and it's not just the migraine.

rolled 92 = 92

>>16173314
It was part of a chain disagreeing with contacting the chaos gods, hopefully heresy takes it into account.

Chaos gods are dicks, they will fuck us over sooner or later if we start doing real work for them.

>>16173284
That'll negate the Nat 1 I was saving for a rainy day then. No longer must you worry about my evoking an instant failure on you at the most inopportune time.

Anyways, continuing my post in a moment. Going to go meet the AdMech bros.

rolled 73 = 73

>>16173346
That nat 1 was from the thread that shall not be named, it shouldn't have been a worry regardless.

>>16173331
go see a pain boy to see whats wrong then go to the admech guy to see if you can make the SDCS more efficient

>>16173346
0101000001110010011000010110100101110011011001010010000001110100011010000110010100100000010011110110
1101011011100110100101110011011010010110000101101000

>>16173056
Groggily leaving your quarters, you stumble through the labyrinthine hallways of the Klaw to the lower decks. Squinting at the bright lights, you soon find yourself in the engineering room, surrounded by techpriests and mekboyz. Moving through the densely packed engineers, you soon spot your prey, three Techpriests working on the Tank from yesterday. They're even wearing the same clothing. Rubbing your temple in pain, you greet the enginseers warmly.

"Welcome, honored captain. What can we do for you?"

rolled 60 = 60

>>16173410
Acquire robotic limbs, then claim you never asked for them.

rolled 35 = 35

>>16173410
You, you're joining our personal service, you have the touch with machines that's exactly what I'm looking for when I need assistance with new designs.

Your duties will be maintenance of my personal vehicles and aiding me in the forge, when not performing those duties you may tinker with your own machines to your hearts content.

Just try to make sure whatever you create is interesting.

rolled 66 = 66

>>16173331
Carve the symbol of all the Chaos Gods into the Tch'tal moons. Then have your fleet go and take over the Tau planet the rebels wanted to troll them.

>>16173410
Slightly molest them while asking about the tank, and who was driving it.

Discuss how you could make it better for them.

(what happened to our wreck of a speeder anyway? and is that chair still around?)

rolled 74 = 74

>>16173475
fucking captcha

>>16173475
>slightly molest them

What does that even fucking mean.

rolled 41 = 41

>>16173504
You molest them, but only on the outside of the clothes.

Note that I am not advocating for this (and am in fact against it) I am just taking the time to explain how "slight" molestation works.

>>16173504
Doing it nonchalantly.
And not getting TOO into it.

>>16173521
This is basically what I meant.
Go with that.

rolled 59 = 59

>>16173504
It means you rape them, /just/ a little bit.

>>16173524
>>16173521
God dammit.

rolled 15 = 15

Ah yes, its just little time now before demonettes of Slaanesh start showing up mysteriously on the decks.

rolled 66 = 66

>>16173563
Well, if they do we'll just have to use our mega-pimp skills to fuck them till they orgasm to death.

and then sex up bubbles.

rolled 60 = 60

let's just get a robotic arm with a SDCS built in

>>16173579
Sounds like a good way to get DAEMONS.

Best to leave our flesh be for now. At least until we get more pull in all matters warp.

rolled 42 = 42

Shoot them in the face.

rolled 98 = 98

Have "Doc Ock"-type appendages attached to your back.

rolled 35 = 35

Rolling for all business right now. No Slaanesh stuff.

>>16173615
"Doc Ock"-type appendages?

rolled 11 = 11

>>16173631
Spiderman villain, several long basically mechadendrites on his back.

make sure that they all have dildo attachments.

rolled 37 = 37

>>16173631
Spiderman villain. You know, tube like robot arms with claws on the end. Griping claws not rip and tear claws.

rolled 9 = 9

>>16173631
Doctor Octopus BBBLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

>>16173491
>>16173475
>>16173615
Inquiring as to the tank, and the pilot of the tank, you 'slightly molest' the tech priests as they explain its functions. The female and male techpriests are both disturbed by your 'slight molestation', but manage to keep their composure as they explain the design specs of the tank. It seems that they've used some extremely cheap materials building it, having not possessed the materials to make a different one. In doing so, however, they've accidentally created a tank far superior to those of the Imperium. Capable of holding extreme weight in armaments, and using very low amounts of fuel, the tank can move at a maximum of 150MPH when fully loaded. It was only by removing components that the techpriests managed to get it up to 300MPH to begin with.

Nodding and pretending to listen to their random praise of the machine god, you silently steal a robotic arm mount from a nearby workbench. Using your heretek skills, you put a new device together in record time, using several pieces of Tau technology in the construction. With four individual limbs tapping into your central nervous system, you attach the almost weightless device to your back, the Wraithbone claws melding into your skin. Aiming at a nearby metal plate, you fire off the quad SDCSs, shredding it into steel dust after only a second of sustained fire. The SDCSs retract into the armored claws as the apparatus vents heat.

Continuing to 'slightly molest' the techpriests, you spot your race chair being studied by some enginseers nearby, with your Supadeff Jetbike not far from the gathering.

"-and that's how we managed to overcome the uneven terrain during the race. Please remove your appendage from my robes."

rolled 91 = 91

>>16173700
"No."

rolled 77 = 77

>>16173700
Awesome!

Talk about producing these in larger number and sticking our SDCSs on them. This could be one of our mainstays with a little work.

Next try and get the Supadeff Jetbike functional again.
Maybe while chatting about the chair to those studying it.

>>16173700
convince them they enjoy it

rolled 3 = 3

>>16173700
Hey. Hold on. We haven't talked with one of the Gods yet. And they did say we have 'four' to work with yet.

... Two things. One, get to work on carving the other's symbols into the moon. Second. It's time to call up the split mind of the Renegade God. MALAL. NECOHO. ZUVASSIN. LET'S GET THEM UP IN THIS BITCH. Hipster, hipster atheist, and not-as-planned, ho!

>>16173717

rolled 24 = 24

>>16173806
Well, we are a mega-pimp heretek, it sorta makes sense that we would molest techpriests... I guess...

Look you're the one who's making us roll to determine our course of action.

rolled 89 = 89

Enough sex, LETS GET DOWN TO BUSINESS
TO DEFEAT
THE TAU

DID THEY SEND ME FAGGOTS
WHEN WE ASKED
FOR BROS

>>16173741
I WAS ROLLING DICE BEFORE IT WAS COOL

FUCKING POSER

MAINSTREAMER

PREP

MAN, WHO ARE YOU TO USE MY NAME?! FAAAG!

>>16173865
>7

Haha fag

>>16173839
>>16173731
>>16173717
Looks like we're actually going to make some progress, now.

>>16173717
>>16173731
>>16173839
Continuing to molest the techpriests, your metallic appendages do most of the work as you discuss mass producing the very device that's molesting them with the techpriests. Integrated SDCSs wired into their central nervous systems, with optional jetpack capabilities? The techpriests would normally be having multiple orgasms over how awesome an idea that is, except that instead they're having orgasms because your robot arms are fingering them. Finally agreeing to get to work on mass producing the arm mounts with your instructions on how to do so, they leave to do so, and you get to working on the Jetbike. Working for several hours, your arm mounts assist you in the matter, and soon enough you've reconstructed the Jetbike, with the Wraithbone interface adapted to allow you to control it with your arm mounts as well.

The iron chair, once being studied by the techpriests, is now built into the Jetbike, increasing its comfortableness by 35% and its weight by 5%.

Mounting the Supadeffbike, you ride it through the cramped corridors to the bridge at breakneck speed, though thankfully your neck remains unbroken. Arriving at the command center, you skid to a stop and dismount, barking orders to the bridge staff to begin preparations to invade the Tau empire. You're going on the offensive.

>>16173839
I smell a musical number coming on!

YOU'SE DA SADDEST GROTZ AH'VE EVER MET
BUT YOO CAN BET BEFORE WE'RE TRUU
MEKBOY AH'LL
MAKE AN ORK
OUTTA YOU!

rolled 22 = 22

>>16173944
Secretly set course for commoragh instead, tell no-one!

>>16173944
Within the hour, you're joined on the bridge by Bubbles and your bodyguards, all apparently far more hung over than you. One of the bodyguards flirts with Bubbles, much to her chagrin. Ordering your first officer to begin relaying your orders to the rest of the fleet, she does so, and soon half your fleet is ready and waiting for your orders.

Where Invade?

>>16173944
Well that's fucking awesome. But I meant their tank.
Oh well.

rolled 56 = 56

>>16173979
Those farsight assholes.

rolled 26 = 26

>>16173979
The Farsight Enclaves, methinks. They're opposed to the Tau Empire, and as such we'll be able to draw recruits for them more easily once we own their planets.

rolled 76 = 76

>>16174037
The fuck did you just send us? For the unenlightened?

rolled 59 = 59

>>16173979
>>16173979
Invade Dal'yth ,takeover trade routes then prepare invasion force for Sky'rell Minoris

>>16174056
Tau Cadia from the looks of it.
http://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Tash%27var

rolled 74 = 74

>>16174037
Afterwards, assemble the strongest/bravest of the local populace, and attempt to recruit them.

If they refuse, allow your tech specialists to use them as test subjects for particularly dangerous prototypes.

rolled 73 = 73

How many planets are on our side?

>>16174096
Well, let's count. There's Tch'tal, and then there's Tch'tal.

So, one.

rolled 37 = 37

Fal'shia

>>16174114
I concur.

Is anyone else going to suggest something?

>>16174037
>secret GM roll for time in webway
Ordering your ships to embark for Tch'tal, you sit back in your chair and wait as the dozens of ships in your view begin their shift in movement. Jumping into the Warp, the Imperial ships leave second to last, with Mork's Klaw pulling up the rear.

Two weeks pass on board the Klaw, space time bending in bizarre and frustrating ways in the Webway. Spending your days working on SDCSs integrated into arm mounts, and your nights practicing Warp Sorcery, by the time your ship arrives in system, your fleet has already conquered the Tau. You feel cheated, somehow, as if forces beyond your control denied you the opportunity to conquer Tash'var yourself.

Hailing the other ships from the bridge, they inform you that they've been waiting for your arrival for five and a half months!

During this time, they've succeeded in subjugating the planet completely, claiming it in your glorious name. The populace, though initially extremely resistant, has since yielded to their rule.

What do?

>>16174180
>deleted post

...

No comment.

rolled 64 = 64

Fucking webway, how does it work?

Those assholes had been have taken control of other planets while we were gone, or there'll be hell to pay.

rolled 44 = 44

>>16174180
find and claim a space hulk?

>>16174180
Not sure what went here both IC and with that post disappearing. Best play if off

Well, loot more ships and Tau, and set out again!

rolled 12 = 12

>>16174180
Mind control the tau, have them start fleeing and joining the tau fleet/military afterwards.

mmm tau sleeper agents.

surprise dickings for bubbles.

then set course for commoragh.

rolled 1 = 1

>>16174213
DERP

rolled 5 = 5

>>16174216
supporting this

>>16174220
Hehehehe. This'll be fun.

rolled 21 = 21

>>16174216
At the very least surpise dickings for bubbles, no need for her to become complacent.

rolled 39 = 39

>>16174084
I still vote for this.

rolled 32 = 32

>>16174229
Captcha willed it, I'm glad I could provide.

rolled 16 = 16

>>16174180
punch the webway for temporally dicking us over so much.

Then proceed to take stock of what exactly it is they have subjugated in our name

rolled 27 = 27

>>16174220
AW HELL NO. if i roll a 100 does it negate the 1?

rolled 85 = 85

Carve a giant symbol of one of the Gods into the moon of the capital world of this system. And continue to do so with each system we conquer.

Also, once more, contact the Renegade God(s.) Because the hipster Chaos powers need love, too.

rolled 92 = 92

>>16174241
we are not chaos worshippers, we have no need to carve their symbols.

rolled 23 = 23

>>16174220
>>16174229
Anti critfail critroll!

rolled 36 = 36

>>16174249
We don't WORSHIP them. We make deals with them. And y'know what, we carved Nurgle's symbol into one world's moon. We need to dedicate some mo' worlds to the other Gods. Fair's fair.

rolled 92 = 92

>>16174262
Why the fuck would we do that? we carved nurgles symbol into the moon cause he helped us out when he asked.

the others only jumped into our dreams uninvited and started shit with us, tzeentch being all "you gotta do this" and khorne being all "blood fight kill, i don't like you so i'll attack you with chaos marines and bloodletters" and slaanesh being... slaanesh.

>>16174229
>>16174220
Ordering your fleet to begin looting the Tau, you wait patiently as their shuttlecraft go down to the planet. And then wait some more.

And wait some more.

Losing your patience, you move to send a call to the captains of the respective ships, when a sudden transmission comes through. Crackling with corrupted data, the video shows a Tau holding what looks like a bomb of some sort, as it begins to glow. The audio is impossible to decipher, but the meaning soon becomes clear, as ten of your ships explode in a fireball of molten metal! Performing emergency evasive maneuvers, Bubbles pulls the Klaw away from the explosions just in time to dodge a broken bow flying at your ship. Down below on the planet, more explosions burst into existence, fires scorching the entire surface of the planet as they spread over the whole of its surface. As the atmosphere ignites, three more of your ships explode, taking who knows how many with them.

Well fuck. What do?

rolled 2 = 2

>>16174284
*he helped us out when /we/ asked

rolled 53 = 53

>>16174289
Use time perception to reverse time and sabotage the bomb.

rolled 6 = 6

>the Tau suicided
>we lost a forth of our fleet
>we almost got killed

Way to go with the advice, Chaos Gods. Good work.

Let's try again with another planet.

rolled 2 = 2

>>16174289
Giggle. At least these Tau put up a good fight. And now we get to kill them.

rolled 12 = 12

>>16174289
Destroy the planet

rolled 55 = 55

PLEASE tell me our fleet conquered other planets while we were fucked up in the Webway.

Please.

rolled 12 = 12

>>16174289
Exterminatus!

rolled 36 = 36

>>16174289
OH
HELL
NO!

HEAD COUNT! WE NEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW MUCH OF US GOT FUCKED OVER!
AFTER THAT, ITS TIME FOR SOME REVENGE NUKING ON THE TAU!

rolled 43 = 43

>>16174299
THIS

rolled 29 = 29

Reverse-engineer the bomb with our heretikal powers. Then integrate its technologies into the SDCS' design, to make SUPER DAKKA CHOPPA BOMBA SHOOTAS.

rolled 46 = 46

>>16174299
This, for great justice!

rolled 53 = 53

>>16174180
You do realize that the webway does not work like that right? time dickery is only for normal warp travel, the webway being a section of more or less "normal" space that just passes through the warp.

rolled 5 = 5

OP, can we burn our next 100 to negate the bomb using >>16174299

Please?

rolled 9 = 9

>>16174338
you, stop rolling.

rolled 24 = 24

>>16174338
We only lost some Tau, what's the big deal?

rolled 90 = 90

I WANT GIANT FUCKING SYMBOLS ON THE BIGGEST CHUNKS OF ASTEROIDS REMAINING.
IN THE NAME OF CHAOS!

rolled 87 = 87

>>16174371
Maybe I should have tried caps earlier...

rolled 78 = 78

>>16174371
fuck you we don't worship chaos.

>>16174386
FUCK YOUR SHIT, WE WORSHIP THE GODS

I'm off for the night, I'll continue in this thread in the afternoon.

Hope you enjoyed it.

rolled 72 = 72

Retaliate via orbital SDCC bombardment. Hit a soup kitchen or something.

>>16174388
DANGITO

rolled 64 = 64

>>16174388
Good to have you back.
Looking forward to the next one.
When is it?

And then suddenly the dice thought we were playing Tauquest.

rolled 22 = 22

>MURDER VIOLENCE DEATH
>OP gets mad and deletes the thread
>FUCK EVERYTHING THAT MOVES
>OP is okay with this
>pointless quest is okay as long as OP can fap to it

KILL EVERY ELDAR EVER AND SACRIFICE THEIR SOULS TO KHORNE. BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD.

rolled 61 = 61

>>16174299
Rolling for this.

GIVE ME 100!!

or don't.

rolled 49 = 49

>>16174388
Technically, it's after noon. Hurry,OP! Bring us more tales of absurd badassery!
>>16174299
Gonna see if we help do this.

bump

rolled 64 = 64

>>16174299
Chaos gods can do it, we can too.

lol blues clues.

rolled 34 = 34

CREATE OUR OWN EMBLEM. CARVE IT INTO THE WEBWAY.

rolled 77 = 77

>>16174388
Rolling for OP coming back.

rolled 5 = 5

>>16180212
Dude if we roll 100, maybe he'll come faster!

rolled 78 = 78

>>16180188
This sounds like something we'd do.

rolled 20 = 20

>>16180588
That's true... I also thought about putting Khorne's symbol on something, something he'll hate... maybe the rear end of a pony, MLP style? Can we devote a pony to Khorne guys? As well as carving our symbol into the webway?

Ok, back now.

>>16176252
I've honestly stopped caring, to be truthful. Go ahead and murder everything, if you want.

>>16174371
>>16174380
Furious at this turn of events, you mentally carve symbols into the various chunks of asteroid in orbit over Tash'var. Creating high-power lasers out of solar radiation, you burn the symbols through the asteroids completely, as they float aimlessly through space.

Commanding Bubbles to put you into contact with what remains of your fleet, they appear soon enough on your vidscreen, the Sororitas commander in the middle of beating a Tau to death. Addressing the rest of the fleet, Bubbles demands a status update. One by one, the various commanders of your fleet declare their ships cleared of Tau terrorists, several of them producing disarmed bombs as proof. It seems that those they had been recruiting from Tash'var previously were just biding their time.

You've been informed that your fleet has taken several other systems nearby, including Fal'shia and Son'tara'o. Neither of whom you recognize, but both of whom you are assured are valuable. Apart from that, they've been in contact the the Tau rebels, having assisted them in a few combat operations for a king's ransom. They were waiting for you, of course.

No news from Tch'tal, sadly. Who knows what's happened to those guys.

rolled 91 = 91

>>16181001
Send the Sororitas Commander a psychic brofist.

rolled 30 = 30

Well time to go on a crazy bender, lets just pull Terra into the warp and be done with it.

rolled 78 = 78

>>16181001
Can't believe we lost 13 ships. Dammit.

See about studying those disarmed bombs, and have our fleet go and recruit from other systems while we wait. They'll be getting ships, troops, whatever.

Get in contact with Tch'tal while we wait.

rolled 65 = 65

>>16181001
Goddamned Tau rebels...
Contact Tch'tal, if they don't answer send some scouting ships there. Also use our fleet to push further into Tau territory. Also make sure that any new Tau we recruit go on new ships with only Tau and a few secretly mind controlled Tau to oversee them, so they can't fuck any more of our shit up.

>>16181045
>>16181061
Reaching out through the Warp with your fist, you brofist the Sororitas commander for her excellent service in beating Tau to death with her bare hands. With that out of the way, you tell Bubbles to have the bombs delivered to your lab, and order the remainder of your fleet to recover and begin recruiting in other systems, while making sure to NOT recruit Tau terrorists. You stress this last part for the better half of an hour, explaining exactly how recruiting terrorists to serve on your spacecraft is a bad idea. The brilliant tacticians that your subordinates are, they grasp the concept within a few minutes.

As your fleet begins departing for other systems amid the burning husks of looted Tau ships, you tap into the ship-wide network through the Wraithbone interface before you, and begin reaching out to the Eldar ships over Tch'tal. The 20 ships that stayed behind should have some interesting news, you think. Waiting for them to return your call, a live channel is opened as they accept your hail. Inquiring about their condition, they inform you that the Tau rebels have been pressing them for assistance, with two planets being gifted to them in exchange for a couple hours of fighting the Tau empire. It seems that some of the Tau rebels don't like the fact that they've gifted the planets, but so far you fleet's services have been too valuable to deny them their prizes.

Oh, also some Orks took over one of the Imperial ships and flew it into the sun.

rolled 9 = 9

>orks flew a ship into the sun

Of course they did. Bunch of retards.

rolled 30 = 30

head towards the nearest Tau planet and KILL IT WITH YOUR MIND!

Allow one ship to escape but before it does open a doorway in the warp into the crews minds so that when they arrive at another planet daemons shoot out of it like bullets.

rolled 9 = 9

>>16181244
Use our MINDPOWERS! to find Osama O'Tau. He must be responsible, in case he isn't on our payroll.

rolled 25 = 25

>>16181244
Congratulate the Eldar on their new planets, maybe they'll finally manage to get over the whole "woe is me, we're dying" deal.

Conquer some more Tau planets after that.

rolled 3 = 3

Use the vast amount of Tau bones we must have by now to build the most Khornate refrigerator ever.

>>16181244
Moving down to the lab to study the bombs, the next several days pass like a blur of discovery. The bombs seem to work by pulling in surrounding matter and breaking it down on a sub-atomic level, before releasing the energy in the form of a massive burst of concussive force. Testing one out in a vacuum, you discover that the blast actually bends space-time to deliver its energy, perhaps by releasing gravitons or something of that nature. In either case, the sudden warping of space-time may in fact be responsible for the time it took you to arrive through the webway, large amounts of FTL particles being released by the device upon activation.

You think you can actually make more of the bombs, given the chance. They'd be around 4% as powerful, and 10% as large, but they'd work well enough. Scaling up the bomb would yield problems with your ability to control it though, so for the moment you'll just have to stick 25 of them together to get the same reaction.

You're so busy with your research, you barely even notice when Bubbles enters your lab and informs you that the rest of your fleet has returned, with a few dozen Tau ships. You only realize what she's said after she's left.

rolled 43 = 43

we need more info on our new planets

also tell our Orkz that while flying a ship into a sun is very orky they should't do it unless we tell them to do it

rolled 86 = 86

So we've got gravity bombs now? Sweet. Let's see if we can use them to destroy a planet. Get a hundred of them together and fire them at the planet that just got burned to ashes.

rolled 66 = 66

>>16181390
Maybe they'll come out on the other side of the sun? Maybe they managed loot the sun and will bring us something awesome?

rolled 52 = 52

>>16181382
Huh... it sounds like she might need some dickings later, we've been neglecting that. Got to take care of troop morale. Also, press further into the Tau empire with our fleet.

rolled 10 = 10

what happens when we combine a tau, ork and eldar into a single cybernetic being? Lets find out.>>16181382

rolled 5 = 5

>>16181415
No, this is exactly the kind of thinking that made them do it! Contact all the Orks, and tell them that they cannot loot a sun, as it will destroy the ship, since ships are un-Orky and weak!

>>16181413
>>16181390
>>16181429
Deciding to ignore her request for you to meet her on the bridge, you instead have your assistants make an even hundred of the gravity bombs and glue them to a missile. Wiring them together and setting them to explode when they come within a few feet of the planet, your Mekboyz load the missile into one of the Klaw's new torpedo tubes, as you leave for the bridge.

In the command center, Bubbles greets you coldly, turning her attentions back to the viewscreen. Asking her about the planets your fleet has captured, she quickly informed you of any relevant figures as the commanders of the other craft turn their eyes to you.

>Fal'shia: Renowned for its artisans and problem solving. A good number of the Tau technical innovations were developed in this here.

>Son'tara'o: The Tau equivalent of a Forge World, much of their space fleet comes from this single planet's orbital construction platforms. The asteroid belt it sits in gives it all the raw materials it needs.

With your attention on the viewscreen, Bubbles prompts the new recruits to your fleet to speak. The Tau commanders of your looted vessels, on their knees, swear everlasting loyalty, and beg you to spare their planet the same fate as Tash'var. It seems that your fleet has been spreading the rumor that you yourself destroyed the planet, a falsehood backed up by the destroyed Tau ships in orbit.

>You've got a new reputation: Planetkiller

Accepting their vows of servitude, you inform your fleet that they are to ready themselves to begin conquering new worlds in your name, taking them from the Tau empire. But where to go?

rolled 12 = 12

>>16181623
Comorragh.

rolled 1 = 1

>>16181623
That girl seriously needs some dickings... we need to get her to understand that while there'll always be other ones, she's still our number one, both for dickings and as a commander!

Also, I guess we have assembled enough power to attack some major system... ask Bubbles which larger world is near, then attack it with our fleet, maybe disable their defenses first by teleporting right into their military headquarters and fucking shit up.

rolled 4 = 4

>>16181623
Seconding Comarragh. Also, hug Bubbles.

rolled 81 = 81

>>16181678
Oh God no...

>>16181623

go the artisan world and get a painting of yourself being awesome, then rally all our forces because it's time to take over more planets

>>16181678

>oh boy here we go

>>16181678
Yep. We're fucked.

rolled 66 = 66

>>16181623
Have we been to a medic yet? Are we feeling better?

Let's talk to a doctor.

rolled 34 = 34

>>16181678
>nat 1
Do we still have that negation roll?

rolled 57 = 57

>>16181691

forgot to roll

rolled 72 = 72

>>16181708
>>16181708
I don't. Think so, but I hope so.

rolled 54 = 54

>>16181623
Build more bombs and bombard the tau capital, they'll never expect us there!

>>16181708
Nope.

>>16181678
Telling your fleet to depart for the nearest Tau military world, you sit comfortably in your chair as the ships that make up your fleet enter the Warp one by one. As the last ship leaves, you enter the Webway, the twisting passages through the Warp seeming to bend around your ship, pulling you in. Leaving the bridge, you ask Bubbles to come with you for a private discussion.

Within your quarters, you and Bubbles speak regarding her role as your first officer and first lady. Trying to get the point across that despite your indiscretions, she's your primary woman, you seem to imply that she's not enough for you. The Eldar female, angered by your refusal to love only her, slaps you across the face and into the wall, moments before charging out of your quarters. The bridge staff vox you as she leaves, inform you that they've emerged from the Webway in orbit over the Tau military planet of An'raal, with several Imperial ships emerging from the Warp alongside you. Ordering them to open fire, you barely finish speaking before a sudden shock sends you to the floor, Mork's Klaw shaking with the sound of railgun fire. The internal sirens go off as the intercom announces a fire on decks 50-52, and severe damage to all primary weapons systems. Grabbing a terminal and pulling yourself off the ground, you see three dozen Tau ships opening fire on you from orbit around An'raal. The Imperial ships in your fleet have begun firing their SDCSs, tearing through many of the Tau vessels, but the damage they're taking is too much for them to handle, and 3 of the 6 ships that have arrived so far are now dead in the water.

rolled 10 = 10

>>16181820
FIRE THE GRAVITY MISSILE!

Try to avoid damaging the planet, but if we have to, we have to. We're not gonna let ourselves get killed by some asshole Tau, are we?

rolled 6 = 6

use our tremendous psychic power to smash the entire enemy fleet and to make bubbles' head explode.

rolled 86 = 86

>>16181820
Take the sorrow over Bubbles hating us, amplify it via warp and send it to all the tau in the enemy fleet, make them suicidal.

Scream "This is for you bubbles".mur

rolled 25 = 25

>>16181820
Teleport on board the bridge of their biggest ship together with some of your crew, kill everyone with a psi-blast, take over the ship. Then go on to their other ships and kill more of their commanders.

>>16181820

time to use the warp to do some cool shit
after the Tau are dealt with replace Bubbles with one of our loyal SoB bodyguards, we can't have a first officer that slaps the captain

rolled 48 = 48

>>16181875

seems I keep forgetting my dice

rolled 45 = 45

tie bubbles to the torpedo.
Fire that shit the fleet.

rolled 13 = 13

Bump and support.

>>16181847
Focusing your sorrow over Bubble's rejection, and amplifying it, you force it upon those Tau on board the enemy vessels, tearing the Warp asunder and frying the brain stems of many of those before you, whilst claiming it to be for Bubbles. Those that survive are filled with intense emotions, corrupted by the warp and twisted by their own perceptions. Their minds so weakened by your assault, you attack their sense of self and preservation, in an attempt to convince them to kill themselves. Even as the railguns continue to fire upon your ships as they emerge from the Warp, they slow their rate of fire, the crew aboard the Tau vessels losing the will to fight. With half your fleet now engaging them, the Tau vessels begin to lose the battle, SDCSs and lance batteries tearing them to shreds.

With the alarms still active, and the fires still burning in the lower decks, the tide of battle turns decisively in your favor, with the Klaw firing off all its secondary SDCSs, in numbers far greater than that of any other ship in your fleet. Dodging the enemy fire, the cruiser engages the enemy, leaking fuel and air. A moment of silence overcomes the ship as all the sounds of weapon fire die down, along with any feelings of railgun impacts. You hear Bubbles announcing success over the intercom.

"All enemy vessels destroyed, beginning ground assault."

What do?

rolled 46 = 46

>>16182247
Continue blasting psychic sorrow at the planet.

Make the planet itself weep for you.

rolled 34 = 34

>>16182247
Let's put that new tank the Mechanicus has developed to good use.

rolled 66 = 66

>>16182247
We're still mad over what happened. No point staying on the ship, let's teleport down, preferably into either their capital or their main defenses against orbital assault, and destroy things from up close.

rolled 11 = 11

>>16182247
Let the peons handle the ground war, just make sure welet the invaded know who their fucking with.

We should see a medic.

rolled 69 = 69

>>16182247
Make a mental note to start calling Bubbles by her real name if we can make her talk to us again.

rolled 3 = 3

>>16182358
What? I don't know, she might like Bubbles. She's the only one who ever got a nickname, it makes her special...
Do you even remember her real name? Huh? Do ya? Do ya?
It's Selena. I think.

rolled 43 = 43

>>16182407
Close, Serena.

Create a warp lens at the lagrange point between the planet and the sun, have said lens make sunlight sorrowful, thus creating a sadbeam of sunlight for the planet, leave it there.

rolled 26 = 26

exterminatus on the planet

>>16182317
>>16182358
Mentally reminding yourself to start calling Selena by her real name, you examine the planet through the terminal. You feel a sudden need to raid it yourself.

Grabbing your gear, you holster your archeotech pistol and pull on the Webway through the Wraithbone around you. Propelling yourself through the dimensional rift, you throw your body across time and space, falling through reality onto the planet below. Opening another rift just over the planet's capital, you fall ten feet before landing on your feet and clenched fists. Getting to your feet, you casually shoot several Tau nearby as they pull guns from their holsters, disintegrating them into neat piles of goo. Looking around, you spot an anti-ship cannon firing rounds into orbit, with shuttlecraft coming from Mork's Klaw hovering nearby.

Now in the center of the ground assault, you make your way towards the anti-ship cannon, dodging artillery fire and killing scores of Fire warriors on the way. Several times, a few of your own troops almost kill you on accident, but a quick burst of lightning in their direction helps them to remember you. Your troops seem to be adapt at seizing planets, something which you're sure is a result of your specialized training and equipment.

You've arrived at the Tau anti-ship cannon, currently cooling down from its last attack on the ships above. Ten XV88 Broadside battlesuits guard the entrance, with several basic XV8 Crisis battlesuits engaged with your forces nearby.

What do?

rolled 53 = 53

>>16173331
>>16173331
The illness hasn't been looked at yet. We probably ought to get that looked at next time we have a free moment.

rolled 74 = 74

>>16182594
>>16182594
Murder them in the most extravagant manner possible.

rolled 49 = 49

>>16182594
Bend its frame so that it is now a ground assault cannon, fire it at enemy units. (and by "units" i mean "entire companies that have not yet joined the battle in the area")

rolled 91 = 91

>>16182594
Use powers to grab a building. Hurl it at them. Rip open the city and start annihilating it.

rolled 65 = 65

>>16182594
Make their suits disappear and dye the naked Tau pink.

rolled 87 = 87

BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! Kill a bunch of them and summon a bloodthirster

rolled 29 = 29

>>16182594
THIS HAND OF MINE GLOWS WITH AN AWESOME POWER! SHINING BURNING FINGER!!!

rolled 95 = 95

>>16182692
And khornettes.

rolled 18 = 18

>>16182594
>Images: 10 Posts: 308

We have hit auto-sage.

>>16182751
>>16182692
>>16182676
Mentally tearing into the Warp, you grind your teeth and explode all the Tau within several miles, using only the power of your mind. While normally this would do almost nothing, Tau having almost no effect on the Warp, the fury you put into the spell says otherwise. Opening a portal to the raw energies of the Warp, you pluck from the immaterium a Bloodthirster and several dozen Khornettes, even as you crush the anti-ship cannon using only your mind. Seeing you throwing around buildings using the Warp, the Bloodthirster screams in bloody fury and charges you.

Jumping out of the way, you slam a building into the Bloodthirster's side, knocking it through a Tau skyscraper. The building collapses on top of the Bloodthirster, but it's not deterred. Lifting the pile of rubble off of it, the massive Greater Daemon throws as many pieces as it can at you, while pulling an axe from its back and swinging at you. The Khornettes seem perfectly happy with killing Tau, for the moment, but you're sure they'll attack you soon enough.

Leaping over the flying blocks of rubble, you block the axe swing with your telekinetic powers. The unstoppable axe meeting the immovable force barrier, for a moment time stops, as the energy of the blow throws both you and the Daemon across the half destroyed city. Landing in a pool of water suspended atop a large spire, you spot several Tau Ethereals running from the bath as the Bloodthirster crunches into the Tau capital building, crushing half of it as it lifts itself it its feet.

What do?

rolled 70 = 70

>>16182856
Tap the bloodthirster for energy and use it to hose the city with pure warp.

rolled 99 = 99

>>16182856
Rip the Bloodthirster in half with our mind and then have bloody hate-sex with the Khornettes.

Also the thread is autosaging.

rolled 40 = 40

summon another bloodthirster to fight the first one. take bets.>>16182856

rolled 89 = 89

>>16182856
Use powers to lift the ground the Bloodthirster is currently standing on. Launch him into a building. Commence tearing apart the city until he returns. Preferably, try to find the government palace building things and tear things apart there.

Alright, the thread is autosaging. I'll post two more times before making a new one.

rolled 92 = 92

>>16182887
>have bloody hate-sex with the Khornettes

Afterwards, just to troll them, give every single one of them a loving kiss on the cheek and tell them we'd love see 'em again.

rolled 2 = 2

>>16182975
Let's also alter their mind to be all loved up instead of all angry afterwards, just to fuck with Khorne a bit more.

rolled 2 = 2

>>16182996
Khorne disapproves, it seems.

>>16183035
Pot calling the kettle black, eh?

rolled 51 = 51

>>16183076
Does that men he disapproves of disapproving?

>>16182887
>>16182975
Lifting the Bloodthirster into the air with your psychic might, you clench your fists, grasping the Daemon with the Warp. Pulling your arms apart, the Daemon begins to pull apart as well, screaming with anger and insane, unquenchable bloodlust. Finally, as your arms move outwards fully, so too does the force holding the Daemon in place, tearing it in half down its center and throwing its two bloody halves into the warp.

Breathing heavily, you teleport yourself down to the ground level. Eying the Khornette Daemons killing the Tau who dared to oppose you, you grab one of them by the hair as it runs by you, the others stopping to attempt to stab you in the face. Mockingly laughing as you snap their arms and cut through their flesh with their own weapons, both you and they soon find yourselves in a violent orgy of hate, with three dozen Khornettes and one ginger psyker. Angrily fucking their brains out, though not literally to their disappointment, they soon expire.

Clawing your way out of the pile of naked bodies writhing in pain and ecstasy, you give the Daemons a light kiss and tell them you'd love to see them again, leaving the thirty six very confused and very aroused Daemons to kill more Tau. Transporting yourself to the spire you fell into before, you wash the blood from your wounds, most of which isn't actually yours. Looking outwards over the capital city, the screams of millions fill your ears, as the once proud city surrenders itself to the mercy of those who had killed so many. Over your Vox, you can hear Selena calling you back to the bridge, somewhat angrily.

What do?

rolled 25 = 25

>>16183120
Hmmmm... I suppose we've had enough fun. Let's get back, shall we?

rolled 40 = 40

>>16183120
Teleport back of course, our second in command is speaking to us again!

rolled 43 = 43

I bet those Khornettes aren't gonna be sure of themselves for weeks.

"The raping was nice, but he kissed me afterwards! It was horrible!"

Anyways, get back to the ship.

rolled 9 = 9

>>16183120

return to your ship, give selena a hug, tell her she's pretty. carve "Khorne is a Bitch" into the nearest moon and get a sitrep

rolled 92 = 92

>>16183120
Return to the ship. Bring her something nice from the planet.

>>16183178
"N...N-no body every said something like that to me, I-I hate you. St... stupid psyker."

>>16183178
"I had consensual sex! I feel dirty..."

>>16183246
"What are these feelings, that I have..."
Khornate disney song number, my brain has finally turned to shit.

>>16183207
Thinking of Selena's feelings, you look around for something nice to get for her. Sifting through the various artifacts in the now empty spire, you locate a small golden globe, encased in a glass sphere filled with clear liquid. It changes color at your touch, a beautiful pattern of blue and orange spinning around the center globe like the storm clouds of Jupiter. Feeling this to be the perfect gift, you reach through the Webway and pull yourself onto the bridge, feeling a bit ill during the trip but otherwise being fine.

On the bridge, Selena is deep in a conversation with the Tau leadership on the planet. The Ethereal, half dead, speaks through a face beaten to a pulp by your Orks. Surrendering all powers of state to you, the Ethereal sighs and accepts his fate as a single shot ends his life. Dismissing the rest of the bridge staff to celebrate, your first officer seems to notice you for the first time as she sits down in the commander's chair.

Turning to you, and looking down at the gift as you hand it to her, Selena frowns. Grasping the gift with both hands, she throws it across the room, the sphere bouncing off the wall and landing at her station.

"Fine, I accept your apology."

>"I didn't apolog-"

"Shut the hell up and fuck me, you bastard."

End Part the Fourth.

Want me to continue right now in another thread?

rolled 51 = 51

>>16183246
It wasn't actually very consensual... it was just very sweet, in the end. I wish we could have bought them breakfast afterwards. Can we contact Khorne and ask him to do that for us? Or to at least give them our thanks, and tell them it was good for us too?

YES. FOR GREAT JUSTICE.

>>16183344
>Want me to continue right now in another thread?
Yes. Right now.

>>16183354
>>16183306
>>16183246
>>16183244
>>16183178
>MFW Khorne gets butthurt over us being nice to the Khornettes we've fucked

>>16183344
She is not to sit in the command chair in our presence.

A good dicking should cement that order and get her brains back into the game. this moepey stuff is craping our godling pimp style.

rolled 16 = 16

>>16183344

yes please continue in a new thread. then we will go to our lab and use tau genetics to create a plague that only affects tau that is 100% virulent and 100% lethal.

rolled 15 = 15

>>16183380
No we will refine and optimize the dick squigs. then we will breed said dick squigs and have our orks given dicks.

Of course said dicksquigs will not be able to be reproduced without our direct involvement, so that our orks have a really vested interested in our continual survival and happiness.

>>16183375
Rien de visage when Khorne gets replaced by a Khornette council that's totally tsundere for our psyker.

rolled 30 = 30

>>16183344
Have our techpriests and mekboyz commit the viles of heretek to give the Tau's souls the signature of Eldar ones.
So Slaanesh can feed them to instead of our Eldar.

rolled 28 = 28

>>16183425
>>16183420
>>16183375


I somehow feel that the chaos gods are outclassed by the denizens of 4chan... and i think our avatar will replace them ... eventually. that and eat the god emperor and his toilet as a appetizer . then blend gork and mork into a fine green drink with a jack lalane powerjuicer and have them as a refreshment, after taking the hive mind and any remaining C'tan and Eldar gods/old ones as a light snack

>>16183471
Man, imagine if 4chan actually created a Chaos God... it would just be... I don't know...
he would be a little girl though, wouldn't he?

rolled 48 = 48

>>16183523
50% of the time, I'd guess. Also, new thread:
>>16183499

>>16183523
yup

New thread, sorry for the delay.

>>16183499

>>16183523

>he would a little girl though, wouldn't he?
>he
>little girl

sounds about right