>>15581632

Seriously though, my Brain in a jar is starting to develop psionic powers and I just realized the spinal chord is still frozen so now I have nothing to even prepare for dinner.

Also, Drow women are delicious. Especially the ones into torture. Of course, I like women for their... um <don't say brains, don't say brains, don't say brains, fuck I'm broadcasting this telepathically aren't I?>
er...
Personality?

>>15582370
Well, do you prefer sweet young girls or bitter old hags?

>>15582277
So my parents were both adventurers, right? You might have heard of them: My dad is a Paladin and my mom is a wizard, and they were involved in that whole "Mestipharious the Grim" thing a few decades back. So, naturally, they expect me to follow in their footsteps (having to decide between magic school or the seminary training was a real bitch, let me tell you). I don't really mind...I mean, I'd kinda rather study True Naming than anything else, but man, you hear my mom talk I might as well major in fucking psionics. Still, it's not so bad: I met this really great girl in enchanting class and we've been going out for a few months now.

That's not really my problem though. No, the problem is that my dad recently found out that one of Mestipharious' old minions survived, and has asked ME to track it down and kill it. I guess he figures it's time for me to take up the family business, you know? So I do some searching (facebook is surprisingly useful for tracking down old nemeses), and eventually figure out that this minion was a succubus that had been summoned to act as the evil douchebag's spy. I even manage to find the bitch's address, so I borrow my dad's sword and my mom's spellbook and go to pay the demonic whore a visit.

Guess who the fuck opens the door when I knock. If it isn't my new girlfriend! She swears that she's changed, but I dunno. I can just imagine the look on my father's face if he finds out.

>>15582400
Why would you want to meet a couple of jackasses that dumped you because they wanted a 'superior human baby' instead of you?

Posted this in the last thread, but it started autosaging.

I'm not 100% sure what I am; my parents are both human, but I'm apparently a changeling. My parents are great, they put in the proper papers to legitimately adopt me and they've always treated me like I was actually their own kid.

Recently I got a letter informing me that I would be allowed to live like a human with all the legal protections and benefits that implies, but I would have to submit to a government sanctioned wizard
for a renewal of my glamour, and I'm not allowed to pursue my heritage.

Should I do it? I've always been curious about my birth parents, but human definitely isn't the worst thing I could be, and reading these threads, I'm always afraid of the crazy discrimination I might be facing if it turns out I'm something really weird.

>>15582512
see
>>15582508

Adventurers piss me the hell of. I've been in Afghanistan for nearly ten months now, with the Allied States 8th Cavalry. Yeah, Insurgents are a bitch, but privately contracted Adventurers are real loose cannons, killing and looting with little regard for the rules of war. I have to PID before i can even open my spellbook, meanwhile those fucking Insurgents are throwing fireballs and poison bolts around like its confetti.

I fucking hate Necromancers the most, though. Godamn evil shits.

I am contemplating starting one of those "web logs" to give advice on how to protect yourself against troublesome supernaturals. Heavens know that many mortals could do with the help. Would any of you be interested inr reading such a thing?

>>15582508
Yeah, good point. Fuck them.

>>15582479
+++THIS IS AN AUTOMATED MESSAGE FROM THE FBI+++
Dear sir or madam, after the incident in Texas all citizens are required to report all Succubus presence on US soil.
If you happen to BE a Succubus (or Incubus) you are required by presidential decree to report your presence to the nearest police station and await deportation.

+++END OF AUTOMATED MESSAGE+++

>>15582525

I heard Blackwater necromancers killed off an entire village, women, children, the lot, and then raised the bodies and sent them off to clear mines. Is that true?

>>15582565
Well, them and the meglomaniacs.

>>15582565
Excuse me for calling it like it is. Try telling me you have an "undeserved reputation" when one of your stiffs boards a bus full of schoolchildren and explodes like the overripe corpse bomb it is.

Don't get me started on vermin-spies either. Or on skincoats, wearing the flesh of some of my buddies. Takes alot of firepower to take those things down.

I know they're supposed to be pretty religious, but the things that go on out there are downright unholy.

>>15582370
No sweat bro, we won't judge. I mean, as a Ghast I'm hardly in the position now am I?
You should count yourself lucky, at least you can eat fresh food. No such luck for me, if I'm hungry I can't go out to the store for a quick snack or grab something from a fastfood joint. Oh no, I have to get my food at least a week in advance, what with these extended expiry dates nowadays. Can you believe I have to put a tray of minced meat from the supermarket outside for a week before it spoils? And don't even get me started on canned stuff, I have to wait for the weather forcast to either predict at least a week of good constant rain or temperatures over 80 degrees for a good few days before I bother to open a can of wieners...
Mind you, while that's a spot of a bother it pales in comparison to dealing with neighbours complaining about the stench. I mean, so what if they're Elves and have a superior sense of smell, can't they cut a brother a bit of slack?

>>15582616
Nah, I never had the misfortune to work with any Blackwater types. Lots of bullshit rumours floating around though.

For one thing, combat runes are not passed around. Only specialist units who specifically volunteer for them are allowed access, and even then they're kept away from the rest of us. All this talk of "Second Gulf Beserker Syndrome" is just bullshit.

>>15582277
An aboleth for a boss?

Now there's a horror story waiting to happen.

>>15582627
Oh, sure, but you have no problem with a fucking Evoker buying a wand of cloudkill at the Vecna-damned wand show because it's his "constitutional right." What the fuck else can a wand of cloudkill be used for? It's right in the goddamn name! At least my minions CAN be used constructively. Why don't you go back to waterboarding innocent goblins, you fucking fascist?

YES I MAD.

>>15582627
So speaks the tool of an imperialistic state all the while claiming that the the recent incident with the Holly Cruise Missile of Antioch hitting a hospital was an error in the blessing process.

So I've been trying to sell some property that I recently inherited and I've hit a bit of a roadblock.

It's a gorgeous place, used to be an old evil stronghold for my grandfather built on a volcanic island (Ten floors, 216 bedroom, 1 bathroom, new stone flooring in the throne room, geothermal heating, and waterfront property) and I put a lot of work into renovating it.

But then the Realtor calls me, after trying to find a buyer for 3 months, and tells me that he can't sell this place. It's apparently got a gods damned dryad grove growing on it and the whole place is a reserve that can't be developed in any way. I don't have to pay taxes on the property but what the hell am I supposed to do with this?

>>15582738
> Dryad Grove
> A problem

Pick one.

>>15582738

Put some more bathrooms in? Seriously, 216 bedrooms and 1 bathroom is a human traffic jam waiting to happen. Not to mention one clog in the pipes is going to ruin everyone's day.

It sucks to be a dwarf in this economy. So expensive to get decent charcoal for the forges. Buying it buy the ton is the reason so many forges were shut down.

>>15582525

Wait till you have to do an underdark tour. ROE's a lot more restrictive, no CAS, and your 'allies' will just as soon kill you as to look at you.

>>15582683
>>15582704

You know making Assumptions makes an Ass out of you and me, right?

Firstly, I'm a Paladin, not a Missile Operator. Whatever the Sky Force does is its own business. Secondly, just because I choose to serve my Temple and Country overseas you assume I vote for the Grand Order Public?

Because only a redneck would want to be out there doing good for those that can't for themselves, right?

Got news for you buddy. I don't own any wands at home, and the only relic i carry from my time abroad is my uniform, my service medal, and a trusty Scroll of Cure Critical Wounds.

>>15582738
Quietly mention the problem to an aboleth. Work out a price.

Within a week or so, your problem will have disappeared, and all that you'll have to do is clean the goo off the walls.

>>15582738

Rent it out to druids. You'll be surprised how many druids, centaurs, elves and other forest-type persons are willing to pay to get the chance to, eh, "commune" with a dryad. And the midsummer feasts? Shit, man, druids grow the best weed.

>>15582738
Dude just open it up as an eco-tourist spot. I know you'd get get bunch of elves to sign up for it.

Anyone doing tours of the Underdark? What are the laws for imports and exports, and who runs things in terms of international business?

>>15582738
start an evil empire you moron.
(enslave the dryads first.)

>>15582738
Why not have it opened to settlement by the more technophobic elves. Nice, out of the way spot, they get their commune with nature on, and they won't feather hikers with arrows for taking the scenic route.

>>15582836

Eh, I tried the whole evil empire thing. It... didn't go so well.

One day I'll be like my hero, Skeletor. One day... Until then, I'll just rest in my piles of baked goods and money.

So my roomate is a fucking vampire. Real nerdy, even for this board. For perspective, he's 200 years old and was a virgin up until a few years ago. Guy took the idea of "forever alone" to a whole new level.

Then fucking Twilight came out. Now all of a sudden he's SWIMMING in pussy. He doesn't even need to do anything! Worst of all, he's getting all alpha about it.

I think I'm going to leave a bag of rice in front of the door when he goes to work. That'll show him.

>>15582843
>implying anyone would want elves on their propriety

Half-Hydra from last thread reporting. Just got some custom order scrolls that I ordered online, so I'm happy. Dragon bro is a white dragon, so he will be glad when I can chill his room down tonight.

Anyways I think I might take the polymorph lessons? I mean I don't have to do fully body shit. It's not like Lefty's fetish is to be a centaur or anything. Besides it might be a help to have a couple extra hands (literally) when stocking shelves and the like. Think I should?

>>15582858
I would. Free pest control and burglar alarm (if you count the screams of the dying as an alarm).

>>15582857
You have to spill the rice nub nuts

>>15582858
Are you suggesting you would not rather have them on an island in the middle of the ocean where we don't have to deal with them?

>>15582857
Let him enjoy his time as top dog. In a couple of years vampires will be old news and some new race will be held up by obnoxious, screaming fans as the paragons of sexuality.

>>15582890
Shit, thanks bro. Any other tips on how to troll my gay vampire roomate (no stakes or anything, I don't wanna kill him).

>>15582815
Don't get me bloody started on the trade laws. It is a bitch and a half to get ore up from there, and with todays demand for hell-touched wares from tieflings and the lesser demons, it really puts strain on Dwarven management.

>>15582738

Oh man, I feel your pain.

I found a nice, secluded place of Cursed Wood, perfect for a mansion - I was assured no living soul entered that bit of forest for over a century and came out alive. It was a steal, too.

And yup, you guessed it, dryads. A whole nest of 'em, all clumped around some 'sacred grove' apparently. No way to kill 'em off, endangered species they said. Yeah, tell that to my thralls; with all the seducing going on, they were about to become an endangered damn species!

Had to have the whole damn grove excavated and moved, which set me back a pretty copper piece, but me and my Countess assumed the mansion market would boom big and it'd all pay off in the end.

Then the market crashed. I'm practically living on the streets now, my nefarious deeds mostly consisting of muggings and stealing money off of hobos. This was not the country I was raised in! How is this fair?!

I seem to recall there was a young polymorphed marilith who was requiring my assistance a while back. If you could detail what has happened since then, I'd be most grateful.

>>15582890
Woah now, no need to be that much of a dick.

>>15582899

I hear Dwarves are gonna be the next big thing, what with that movie's coming out about that dwarven expedition back in the Third Age.

>>15582858
Elves are the worst squatters ever.

Seriously, I had a guy who lived below me at my old apartment that went to go "commune in the woods" and didn't come back for two months. The landlord had to knock on my door twice to ask if I knew anything about where he was because he needed to move his car (a hybrid, of course) from in front of the dumpster. They tried to tow it but his Wolf animal companion kept attacking the guy attaching the hook.

Not to mention that he had missed rent for a couple months.

At least the perpetual smell of burning herbs stopped while he was gone.

>>15582910
Half-Hydra here. I once trolled a vampire by dumping garlic salt over everything in his fridge. Including putting "YO DAWG, I HEARD YOU LIKE GARLIC" on his fridge door.

>>15582910
Stakes don't kill just immobilize, so you can take your time skinning and defanging the fuckers and leave them for the sun to finish off.
Not that I would do that, no sir.
Vampires are protected under the sentient undead act of 87.

>>15582938

>>15582911

Hrm, Draconian and tight trade laws, lots of demand for products on both sides, nightmare for legitimate business... I think I just found the new Goblin China.

>>15582911
It does get pretty bad. You go looking for adamantine or mithril in the deep places, and suddenly you hit a cavern with an abyssal rift. Before you can so much as blink a demon is there accusing you of trespassing and demanding ownership of the tunnel you just dug as "illegal development of private property". As if they don't put the portals there just so they can just claimjump.

>>15582683

Pardon me but I use a wand of cloudkill to take out vermin around my house and it is my constitutional right.Im no crazed Evoker either I happen to be a Rogue and spent alot of time and money learning to use things like this and use them responsibly.So please before you start throwing around stereotypes just think about the countless people using wands responsibly

also if the vermin happen to BE Goblins so fucking what?Maybe they shouldnt have been trespassing in the first place

I can cut you all a deal on mithril AR-15 uppers if you come to Burun's Forgeworks. Also have 25% off our pewter mugs.

Man this modern day fantasy thing is half shithole for normal humans, half "OMFG I GOT [INSERT RACE HERE] GIRLFRIEND"

>>15582738
Dryads, eh? I believe we can come to an agreement...

>>15582975

Psh, shithole? More like opportunity rich environment.

>>15582935
Man, I was so stoked when I found out zombies were back in style again. Seriously, I haven't gotten laid since I got laid to rest, if you know what I mean. Unfortunately, even though I get mad women I have some trouble... Er, "performing".

I think I need some pills of "Raise Undead".

>>15582738

Dryad Grove? I can pay cash now, let me make you an offer you can't refuse...

>>15582936

This got me visualizing The Dude as an elf, and I must say it brought a smile to my face.

>>15582969

We're getting issued F2000s soon. the civilian market on AR style weapons is gonna crash from the surplus dump, heads up.

>>15582991
Careful though, some of them are just looking to get bitten so they can kill everyone they have a grudge against and claim temporary insanity. You'll end up and accesory to mass murder. Keep your mouth closed.

>>15582969
Statement: Reported for Viral
Inevitable Dispatched
Good day citizen.

>>15583007

Thanks for the tip, my friend. I will be ready.

Fuck it putting shit in the name box for now.

>>15582975
Learn to read the damned thread

>>15582969
What about rock salt mugs?

>>15582991
Yeah, hate to break it to you but the zombie fetishists are the worst.

>>15582959
Sir, since the case of 'Jonson vs Short Spear of the Dark Wells of Despair' your propriety extends to three yards below your basement. Being a Gas weapon cloud kill an travel through cracks in the earth to proprieties owned by underground races. Your willful slaughter of sentient beings has been noted and your IP is being tracked.

>>15583007
Well thats alright, we have been slowly switching over to production to SCAR variants. All our non-mithril ARs have been on clearance for a month or so. We are just starting mithril price reductions.

>>15583021
Easy there guys, no need to get excessive with the Mallet of Planar Deportation. This is a forum for social networking at times. Please present more conclusive proof that this is a reoccuring add before taking punitive measures.

So martial artist kobold from the last thread here. My grandfather had a flash of insight and remembered that there was a martial art focused on explosives and traps I might be able to take. Good news is that it carries over into performance art and engineering. Bad news is it means competing with my sister. Give that girl two sticks and she'll find a way to make them decapitate anyone above 5 feet tall. Anyway I'm having second thoughts about doing it because on top of that it sounds kind of dangerous. I mean, gunpowder's one of those things you don't mess around with, right?

>>15583075
By comparison to some schools of magic it's on the tame side. Necromancy is noted for it's corruptive effects. Channeling negative energy when your life essence is positive results in all sort of long term problems.

>>15583027
We are all sold out on those, we have a large centaur market who has taken an interest in them. We should get a new load in from the mine in 4 days though.

>>15583064

Fuck mithril weapons, mithril-tipped BULLETS is where it's at. I mean, sure it's nice to have a gun that never suffers from barrel stress and all, but the mithril should really be used on ammo. Hell, even a 9mm mithril round can shoot clean through tank armor or dragon.

Does anyone else get confused when you go into dwarf cafes and place to order is downstairs? And they really don't like to use waiters, so you sit down for five minutes and then rememeber to go order.

This is vexing.

I have to mow the lawn, front and back three times a week to keep it from over taking our house. I swear my skin is getting greener each day, or something.

Any idea what could be causing the wicked overgrowth of my lawn?

>>15583117
>they really don't like to use waiters
bitchesdontknowaboutmysultrydwarvenwenches.jpg

>>15583109

I've used some before. They're satisfyingly effective.

>>15583109
Sorry laddy, doesn't work like that. mithril is too light and too expensive to be used effectively as in munitions other than rocket casings. And rocket casings are EXPENSIVE to make!

>>15583117
Well it makes sense to have the orders near the larder. You get to see what they have on tap and can take a whiff in the barrels to see what's seen better days. The dwarves won't notice since they have quite a robust digestive tract, but some of it might have started to ferment without outside prompting.

>>15583102

And "channeling" my body's energy into an explosive substance I have to keep on my person is OK by comparison?

You mages don't know how good you have it.

>>15583133
If your skin really is is getting greener you might wanna have the place scoped out for curses or some shit. If its just the plants you probably caught a bad type of weed or something.

>>15583109
I dunno, I think the real fun is when your ammo is enchanted. I'm taking mid level classes for enchanting actually. Shit is fun.

>>15583117
You obviously don't know how dwarven restaurants work. First you have to tell the host/hostess where you are sitting and, unlike human restaurants, you have to flag a server down when you want to order. You'll be flagging your server down whenever you want anything, they don't come to you.

>>15583175

I often purchase enchanted ammunition for my hunts. My particular favorite are ignition rounds, which sets the target ablaze. Most humorous to watch.

>>15583161
Oh, sure you might blow up. At least you don't have soul cancer. I'm told by clerics my soul looks like swiss cheese.

See, the thing about mithril munitions is that they pierce armor very well, but they lack the same kind of umph that most munitions. Adamantuim however, has more power and the rounds don't deform on impact. We see great sales for our 128mm adamantuim rounds. That where our big sales have been for ages.

You guys hear about how that new discipline, Marrangha, is causing a boom in the Red Market? Flesh trade is extreme, even for someone like me. Organ leggers freak me out, and with this new black magic trend they're becoming more prominent and more annoying. I'll be damned if I let them move in on my turf though.

>>15583200

What?

Oh... Oh my god.

I'm so sorry, dude.

>>15583200
Dude, souls totally grow back. The clerics are just trying to scam you. Stop with the soul devouring magics and you're golden.

>>15583240
Don't sweat it. After it reaches a certain stage my emotions start to go, so if anything I'm relatively angst free. Small mercies. This is what you get for taking internet necromancy courses of unknown origin kiddies. Plus I'm going to schools and talking with kids about it so hopefully my mistakes won't be as often repeated.

>>15582921
Yeah, evil masterminds have it easy my ass. Hugo, a friend of mine, works as a advisor to the The Wicked Lord. He says that guy is going to stress himself to death before any "righteous adventurer" gets him.

Just hope he's around until I graduate to spectral lichdom. With good grades and Hugo around I should be able to get a well-paid job in TWK's kingdom.

Did anyone else hear about that troll clan that went on a rampage in New York in the stolen bus?

I have a mere two words to share.

Fuck. Centaurs.

And before you monster hopping freaks get all worked up for another fap story, I'm sorry to disappoint but this isn't another made up story about my beast whore GF.

I work for the Police y'see, mounted officer. The importance of horses has never been greater than it is today with the increased urban integration of races that can out run a human on foot; a car can't follow a perp everywhere so that's where me and Cairon come in.

Yeah that's right they have me riding the poor bastard.

Now, don't get me wrong he's the best damn mount cum partner an officer can have. Quicker 'n greased lightning and sharp as a tack, he's my buddy right? But even buddies can hate eachother at times and boy howdy, I'm sick of the mess he makes.

See the only way the centaurs would agree to the rider program was if it was "in the spirit of mutual benefit", as if it isn't mutually beneficial to have two trained officers on the scene already. Basically the deal is that in exchange for rides I have to be what boils down to his stable assistant.

Most of the time this is perfectly fine. I got no problems picking glass out of the hoof of a buddy, even if he does nearly kick my jaw off every time. Nope, the problem starts with the muck raking.

He does it on purpose! We'll be in the goddamn office, getting some work done when all of a sudden the room smells like an open septic tank. And there's Cairon staring at me with the biggest fucking grind smacked on his smug face, 'cause he knows who has to break out the broom and shovel now?

Fuck. Centaurs.

>>15583109
Dude, that's not how bullets work.

Mithril is super-hard and super-light.

Bullets like that would just bounce off armour, and go straight through people without harming them.

You want really heavy, soft bullets, so they expand within target.

I've been meaning to ask, and here seems to be as good a place as any... Sentient artifacts.

I ended up inheriting an enchanted mace a while back. An uncle of mine had it, though gods only know where he picked up since he was just a school teacher. I'm looking it over once I get it, seeing if I want to put it up on a mantle or sell it at the local weapon shop, and I hear a voice in my head which I find out is coming from the mace.

It seems kinda cool. Has some war stories from a couple hundred years ago, and some of the people who used to use it are neat to hear about even outside of battles, but I'm not really sure what to do with it. I'm not about to need to smash and bash any time soon myself, but I can't really think of just selling it or anything like that.

>>15583315
He's just messing with you. Centaur humor isn't exactly a comedy of manners. Next time he does it just hop a squat next to him and don't clean it up. He'll stop making you to clean up after him once you make it clear he's going to have to clean up after you.

>>15583292
Yeah, necromany, demonology, transdimensional magic all that stuff should be treated with respect. I had good grades and got into a proper Black Arts university.

People say we witchers try to get powerful artefacts all the time but that's bullshit, we are teached from the start what happens to those who tries to get quick powers.

>>15583361
Dude, there is a wealth of watcing each others back jokes here begging to be used.

>>15583323
Most mithril loads are extreme high velocity loads so they do penetrate. Look at my earlier post though. Adamantium is quickly becoming the leading anti-armor round as it tears through armor motor and engine alike.
>>1558222
>>1558152

>>15583315
Get a transfer to the hippogriff corps.
Rides like a horse + it can fly, being a mounted officer you would automatically be shifted to the top of the list of applicants.

>>15583334
Get it appraised and identified.
>>15583396
Oops, poor linking on my part.

Dude what the hell. Dragon buddy just walked in. He looked a little sad so I asked him "why so down?"

Next think I know the entire right side of the compy desk is frozen (hes a white dragon btw).

Fucker froze my soda and frosted over one of my monitors. What the hell did I do wrong?

>>15583334

I hate to break out the old cliché but... It belongs in a museum. There, it can hang out with other sentient items, teach history to visitors, and help historians research the Dark Ages. It will be tended to and restored to mint condition as well.

Also, you get reimbursed in cash.

>>15583334

Write a book with the thing and make sure to get royalties.If Oprah hears about it the two of you will be rich

>>15583396
Consider the following:
Bullets of minor holding, as most of my spells are to tedious to use in mid-combat I had a artificer make this for me. I mostly fill them with black oozes (Up here in Scandinavia you can get it really cheap since our mines are crawling with them.) the lil' bastards can burn through anything. And they are recyclable too, just need a few wizard bottles and a spell of corrosion resistance.

>>15583456

Break something he loves. Then, when he tries to get revenge, show him you can break his legs just as easily. I can teach you several techniques for doing just that.

>>15583361

Aww no, nonononono!

Nope, I know how this story ends. That test of wills is a pure case of MAD. It starts with dumping contests and arguing over who cleans up what first, then the whole office has to be closed for three days to be cleaned. And that's just if it's the crap, Chairon already does the cock waving thing and I am not going to be party to that.

He gets a boner at work when it's quiet? He'll be sure to take a slow walk to the water cooler past the female officer's desks, or even just slap it around in front of me grinning. And god help me if a centaur women walks past, if I had to get my pecker out every time he did I'll either end up with crushed self esteem or a date a really don't want.

>>15583406

Fuck. Hippogrifions.

I'm allergic to feathers and despite his shenanigans I happen to like Chairon. Plus no one else would put up with his shit, pun intended.

>>15583456
Sounds like your getting the cold shoulder, laddy.

I was in the shops, buying some deoderent and this ogre was standing next to me. Like me, he was looking at the brands, what they offered. You know usual stuff. Then, in one sudden movement, he grabs the whole fucking shelf, and pours it into his cart, and makes his way to the counters.

Do they seriously smell that bad? I have a ogre friend, and he never smells at all. They're made out of rock, so I don't see the problem.

>>15583491

>Scandinavia

Heard trolls are a protected species now, so no more troll hunting up there. How's that going for you?

>>15583481
This is a good idea. Getting to pass on the tales of the past to others is about as good as it gets for old warriors. Reminiscing with other sentient weapons they might even get a comprehensive view of a war if they were the weapons of the generals of opposing sides. Plus they can hit on the sentient breastplate (they do so out of imitation, no genders for equipment).

>>15583511
Not after that much deo they don't. He might have had moss or something.

>>15583497
I am with Roland on this one. State that if he continues with this chicanery, you will crush something he loves before his eyes.

If he continues, cut off something he loves and wave it in his face, laughing.

Or we could go with my capture and
>use hamersat
to crush him

You know what else is a pain nowadays? Getting life insurance. I just thought I'd take care of my kids and set them up with a nice fund for when I pass on, you know, to ease the pain of losing me and avoid having them pay for my funeral.
But apparently they have a clause for everything these days! Turns out you're not elligable for life insurance if you've ever channeled negative energy of any kind, have already died before or if your soul no longer resides in your body! So what if I'm a Lich, I still have kids from before my transformation and in my line of work you're bound to end up as the focus of some meddling group of adventurers...
So after the first application was turned down, I thought I'd try again and simply not tell them but nooo, you have to fill out the entire form. And apparently lying doesn't help either, they've got some kind of scrying or detection spell that picks that up. So for my last application I prepared something special, I filled out the entire form in EXPLOSIVE RUNES!!! Let's see how they like that, the smug bastards.
Discrimination against the Unliving, that's what it is...

>>15582857
Nah, next time he comes home with a girl, be all polite- make her tea, and make sure you use holy water... wait till they go get comfy and sit back to watch the action. Oh, and tell us how it goes.

>>15583491
It is intriguing, I will look into it, but I don't decide what gets put out. I just make what is.

>>15583446
It's already been through the standard gamut of "evil magic/cursed" checks. Nothing showed there, though yeah, something like sentience should have come up. But still, even if I take it in for a more thorough scrying I have no idea what to do if/when it clears. It's not 'Dancing' so all it can do is sit there. Would it be find to just leave it at home when I'm at work or something, or would I need to bring it along?

It doesn't seem to mind the time it was in storage, or at least it just shrugs it off (metaphorically) but... I dunno, it seems like the equivalent of solitary or sense deprivation to me since it can think.

>>15583481
Yeah, I suppose that would be best... gods know I haven't been taking good care of the elven dagger I got for my birthday a few years back... I don't think I've even taken it out of the sheath more than a handful of times outside the first few days after getting it... someplace the mace can get properly treated would be better...

>>15583529
Good actually, I worked hard for it to happen. No, no moral shit, trolls are just really handy when it comes to labour and... certain jobs. Also, the idea that trolls are stupid is way off they are actually very intelligent and their innate magic abilities help as well.

So kobold martial artist here again. Despite my bad experiences with humans, I'd be willing to let everything slide and hop on the racial integration train if you would just CUT IT OUT WITH THE DAIRY.

Seriously, do you have to put cheese in everything? My lizardman buddy Fred (He had human parents) had the exact same problem when we were in high school. It gives us the turbo runs, and nearly got him hospitalized. No I am not being "picky". No I am not a vegan. Half of your own stupid race can't eat this stuff either. SO STOP PUTTING IT IN EVERYTHING.

On the plus side, our family dinners never have to worry about some guest being a vegetarian. Just take out the eggs and meat, and bam, done. Ratatoille or however you spell it is delicious, though. I can't even count the number of times I've fixed it.

>>15583334

Sentient items, huh? Reminds me of my old Gunnery Sergeant. He was a mean old bastard, but when he took a stray MM (magic missile) to the chest in 'Nam, he had the company Cleric bind his soul to his M-16. He's still on the front lines, serving with my old unit. He can shoot the wings off a fly at 100 yards, even in the hands of a cross-eyed FNG.

>>15583552
You do realize you might get the feds on you for that one. Especially since an inevitable bot has been confirmed to be on the same thread. They'll go after you independently too since they're all about reasserting natural law.

>>15583599u
Hey dude, if you have a problem with cheese, don't eat stuff with it, don't blame our cuisine.

>>15583579
Hmmm.
Dude, if it isn't registering as sentient to magical tests it might not be the weapon, but YOU!
You might be forming an empathic link with such a historical object.
Try finding an other such object to test the theory or get yourself checked by a mage.

>>15583627

He might be Chosen to wield that weapon. After all, it has an affinity to his bloodline. He should check with the Gods, maybe Fate has decided he's supposed to Champion some cause or another... And if he is, well, I pity the kid.

>>15583648
Damn it they need to send memos to these people. It's not like with all the clerics around we're out of touch with divine forces, so why not just send us a wire?

>>15583648
Watch out for Destiny though. That bitch has never heard of the term Collateral Damage

Sup guys. I'm a druid.

I met a nice girl yesterday and we got to talking... about stuff ya know? Music, books, movies that sort of thing. I really got to liking her so we went out on a date. It was pretty good! She said she was an artificer, I wasn't sure what that was at first, but after asking a local college of mine who's training to be a wizard. He explained that artificers are basically wizards who imbune items with magical powers.

I think "Awesome! She can give my staff enchantments in stuff" IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN HURR HURR... anyway. She calls me over and asks me to be there for some kind of ritual she's doing. I arrive and I see she's in the practice of... god I don't even know how to describe it.

But it was like she was replacing her flesh with metal and stuff. She explained that she's a re-forged or something like that and... well I just don't know what to say to her now. I'm ok with magical items and stuff, but this is a bit much... what should I do /tg/?

>>15583648
If this is true stop over at Burun's Forgeworks and get fitted with some new chainmail. 15% off!

>>15583615

You don't even know all the shit you serve that has it in there, do you?

You put it in white bread, for example. Pretty fun culture shock. And by fun I mean my whole family was scrambling for the can after dinner one night. You should put a goddamn label on it or something, you did that for nut allergies which are way less widespread.

Chocolate. Instant mash. Some margarine apparently. And burritos. If I had to count the number of times I got a burrito that had cheese in it...

And if I hear someone ask if I can take "the enzyme" again I am going to flip the fuck out. We don't produce that enzyme. EVER. Get it through your warm-blooded heads.

>>15583694
Well, Im not sure. I have heard of this, but Im not sure why anyone would want to do it.

>>15583694
As the previous thread's flesh golem I must say it's ironic that a human wants to be more like me, and I want to be more like a human. If things don't work out, mind getting me her number? I don't work like that, but the conversation would be fascinating.

You know how hard it is having Sight? I mean I didn't ask for it. I was a victim.

It was part of the Hedge Jumper incident. Fucking hedge teleporter going around being an asshole, is wanted for breaking and entering and what not, and when he was running from the feds, teleported right into me. Now, you would think that would kill me, but no. He just fucking explodes and I pass out. Wake up in ER, and after some tests, I discover i can see ghosts as well as hidden runes. Cool right?

Fucking wrong. Turns out, ghosts are all fucking perverts. I come into a stall, try to take a shit, and some dude just steps through the wall and starts watching me poop. I wait, and then tell him to fuck off. He freaks, and legs it! And, apparently, this girl who died in the other apartment, has been watching me sleep for about a year now. I don't like to sleep anymore, not that i can now, thanks to Sight.

Also, would you believe how much hidden rune graffiti is about the place? Its fucking disgusting.

>>15583752

Being human is overrated and irritating. I'd try to become a metal golem if possible - much harder to be injured that way.

>>15583696
Do you want to be inevitabled?! They already marked you once, keep it up they might get srs.

>>15583648
>>15583681
Shit I hope that's not the case. The empathy thing could be neat, especially if I can expand it to other items, but capital-D Destiny? Yeah, thank you, but no thanks...

How does that work, anyway? If it's something the gods set up, does it matter if you're a follower of that pantheon? Or is it just a sort of cosmic "Your Fate Here" thing?

>>15583763

If you can see them, you can banish them. Just ask for an introductory distance course in exorcism, rebuking and repelling wraiths, ghosts, banshees and spectres of all types from the University of the Holy Light, Salt Lake City, Utah.

>>15583775
You act as if this isn't the three hundredth time its happened to me. Our adds are everywhere and we have been inevitabled more times than we can count. We have delt with so much here that ou-

>>15583763
If you want, go to a credited mage and get a rune of warding for your apartment, works on ghosts, specters, phantasms, and all assorted intruders. Put a warning on your door though. If the landlord/lady get blasted you're in deep shit.

>>15583763
I feel sorry for you. A friend of mine gave me a cool set of true sight goggles (he had a spare for some reason) I never wear them anymore because of the shit I find with them on.

>>15583822
NOTHING TO SEE HERE. CONTINUE YOUR LINGUISTIC INTERFACING.

>>15583846
Heheha! Well now its not like I said candlej- better not do that.

>>15583804

Well, the Gods like to fuck around with people. It could be a drunken wager, or some goddess is pissed that her hubby fucked a mortal because "he thought they were on a break at the time". If you've been chosen to become a Champion, though, you better hope you get to be in the care of Fate, since Destiny is kind of a dick (as someone else already said), and if you're chosen by Trickster, then you're basically fucked. Check your local yellow pages for a Sphinx, they're the most reliable diviners in the business. Just read up on trivia before you call it up, since you have to answer a riddle and if you get it wrong, no sphinx will ever deal with you.

>>15583823
Yeah well, the dead girl isn't so bad. I dunno, can you get expections put in?

>>15583839
Well, the sleep thing isn't so bad. I mean, makes all-nighters ok, since I don't sleep anyway.

>>15583887
>if you get it wrong, no sphinx will ever deal with you
Uh...
Well, one will. Or at least, her stomach acids will be dealing with you.

>>15583889
Get her a ghosttouch snuggy and you can cuddle with her.

>>15583912
Well that heart warming. When does he bring out the ghost touched condoms and it becomes groin warming?

>>15583912
>ghosttouch snuggy
Ahaha, that reminds me of my friend Phil, who bought a ghost touch fleshlight. The guy he bought it from swore up and down the ghost who was, uh, using it was a babe in life.
Well, Phil had been using it for some time, when he finally got it in his head that he wanted to see the ghostly lady who'd providing him with pleasure for all that time, so he borrowed a pair of glasses of true seeing.

Wasn't no babe.

Wasn't even a woman.

>>15583887
>>15583804
Remember: Fate is only the most logical and most probable path in your life as of this moment. It is prone to change, although sometimes gods and outlanders tend to railroad their champions a great deal.

>>15583908
Lovely...

Well, I should at least check on whether it's just psychometry or the mage who did the IDing botched up, first. Why risk getting eaten (or banned from service, which I really REALLY hope is what would happen) if you don't need to, after all.

WHEN WILL MAN LEARN

GOLEM NOT FOR LOVE

DEAGAUS WAS MADE IN 1989 BY PAUL WEIRMAGIK

DEGAUS AM LATEX SILICON GOLEM WITH LIFE LIKE TEXTURE

THANK TO HETRODYNE SHELTER FOR GOLEM DEGAUS RECEIVE THE HELP DEGAUS NEED TO SAY NO

HETRODYNE LIBERATED OVER THREE HUNDRED GOLEM LIKE DEGAUS LAST YEAR BUT THERE AM STILL MANY GOLEM WHO ABUSED AND NEED OF HELP

JUST THREE DOLLAR A MONTH AND YOU CAN GIVE GOLEM LIKE DEGAUS A CHANCE FOR BETTER MOCKERY OF LIFE

PLEASE GIVE

Perfect timing, guys.

I've got a serious problem here.

My kid got into a little fight today... and may have killed the other.

He's adopted, right? Part of the whole integration sponsorship program. Me and my wife thought it was a good way to help out, you know? These kids tend to be a little... harsh, you see. They're put into this program to pound a little civility into them. He's not that bad though. Only reason he was in there is because his REAL folks were in some kind of old world cult. Nasty stuff. He's apparently some kind of fishman half breed from some fishing town.

Now the kid's been amazing. Smart as hell, you wouldn't know he wasn't human if it weren't for the scales, fins, and this freaky glowing lure that pokes out of his head. Docs tell me these hybrids always start out human and eventually turn. It's been years and up until today he's been fine. But today? Jesus. I knew he was having problems with an ogre punk in the multi-species school we send him to. Well today it looks like it's finally come to a little blood shed. Good on him, i think. He needs to stand up for himself a little more.

continued. it's a lot to take in right now

>>15583968

These spambots are very irritating.

>>15583968
Off with you, Im the one steali- er advertising here!

>>15583983


Ever see a shark leap out of the water and tear a bull to shreds? I don't recommend it.

The guys i spoke to told me about what happened when i arrived. Apparently deep sea predators don't usually have the opportunity to eat like land animals. So when one tastes blood in the water the opportunity comes, and they've got this instinctive reflex hardwired into their skull to hunt down and kill whatever it came from. All normal thoughts: morals, predictions, dangers- all that goes away, leaving only this frenzy for food. Unfortunately it looks like that doesn't stop in the water. you know how a shark can smell blood miles away from it's source? Picture that one hundred fold. Kid bites down into the ogre, and next thing you know he's dragging him off to the schools aquatic area and biting off pieces as he does. Least that's what i was told. I didn't show up until much later.

I found out when these suits knocked on my door and told us what happened. They fished out the ogre and he's in the hospital now. Kid on the other hand was boxed up and taken by this group called the SRA or something. Not sure what it stands for.

Wife's really torn up about it. I've been trying to get them to let me see him for hours now but they keep saying "it's too dangerous" or some bullshit. They just left a while ago.

not sure what you can say to help but i need to get in there. any ideas? these people are fucking relentless and i'm worried the worst can come of this. I think if the ogre dies they could put him down.

>>15583908

Sphinx here, just to dispel some nasty rumors, we're not allowed to consume sentients who fail to answer our riddle without their explicit consent. So make sure you read the divination contract before signing it, morsels! I mean mortals.

Also: I have a bed, but do not sleep in it. I have a mouth, but do not eat with it. What am I?

>>15584000
My girlfriend is a Sphinx, and she's asked me that one before: a river.

>>15584000
NOBODY ANSWER THAT, FOR THE LOVE OF THE GODS

>>15583968
Don't belittle yourself for change, get a job. Asking for handouts makes you look like an invalid. Showing that you can be a valued member of society proves you are more than just a mobile dildo.

>>15584000

A dead cat if you do not cease with your infernal riddles.

>>15583889
>>15583839
Being a spectral Lich Sight kind of comes with the ritual, for better or worse. Have had some nice talks with several cultured ghosts, but I also have to deal with the usual kind. Making signs and runes that would keep all ghosts but me away was a major pain.

TIp: I decided to put it all inside the walls and under the floor so I wouldn't see wards on everywhere.

>>15584000
A river.

>>15584000
A river.

>>15584000
Isn't it pretty much a standard for you guys to either have that clause in the contract or ask a very hard riddle if you are divining something important? That's what I've heard, and I guess it'd make sense.

Oh god, I just realised what ecto-plasm is. I wondered why it was in all the toliet stalls.

Oh god...

>>15584069
That's a myth, you obviously don't have Sight.

>>15584019
>>15584009
>>15584036

Correct, mortals! This one was easy. If you wish an audience, however, prepare for a harder one.

>>15584017

Over the internet you're fearless, but were you facing me in my chambers, things would be different.

>>15584051

Most of my colleagues do both. I prefer to give my clients a sporting chance, though.

>>15584000
I have riddle for you, catwoman.

Who needs more rope?

>>15583987
>>15583992

WHEN WILL MAN LEARN....

>>15584015

DEGAUS AM JOB

AFTER LIBERATION FROM SEXUAL TYRANT PAUL DEGAUS ATTEND COMMUNITY COLLEGE

BECAME ELECTRICIAN

BUT DEGAUS AND MANY GOLEM LIKE IT AM STILL SUBJECT OF TERRIBLE CRIME SEXUAL HARASSMENT

I VISIT ONE MAN TO READ HIS METER HE PUT PENIS IN

DEGAUS NOT LIKE PENIS

SAID NO

HELP OTHERS SAY NO

PLEASE GIVE

>>15584101
not the sphinx, but I find this riddle hilarious

Inherited a large house with a good piece of land via distant relative. Only catch is this is contested ownership. My great great great great great ... great great grandfather is still in residence far underneath it. Entombed Lich.

Not so bad, EXCEPT he was able to retain the local affiliates for Morcombe, Slant and Honeyplace. Yeah, the undead lawyers. Now I, as the hier to the estate hade a wrongful confinement, and appropriation of property lawsuit coming down on me.

Why the hell have any responsible governments recognised the cadavers as citizens? And can anyone get me the contact information for some reputable liscened adventurers? With reliable references?

>>15584101
Anyone at the end of theirs!

>>15584096

It would be interesting to see you try and devour me.

It would also be interesting to empty a clip into your vulnerable underbelly.

Shall we see what happens first?

>>15584120
Just un-tomb him then, I'm sure you can figure something out.

>>15584153
Untomb a lich? Are you kidding me or are you just plain insane?

>>15584120
You bastard, liches are respectable members of the community! Just try and clear it up that you weren't responsible for his imprisonment with your ancestor. If by some chance you ARE responsible for him being buried under a million tons of rock for gods knows how long, you deserve every one of Slant's long boring speeches...

>>15584113
Im a dwarf, you great cumreticle! Not a man, a dwarf!

>>15584101

I know whose name you want me to utter, but instead I'll answer: The hanged man.

You're a funny dwarf. I'd eat you last.

>>15584171
What? I thought you were a midget all this time.

Oh god, how many other dwarves have I thought were midgets?!

>>15584162
You do realise you're talking to a spectral lich right?

>>15584163
Go back to your crypt. Liches are one step below major abyssal demons in thier habits, and it's a short one. Life is for the living.

>>15584120
Or if you want. You can make some inevitables aware of his presence. They'll make him properly dead afterwards but be prepared for collateral damage. They consider the upholding of natural laws to supercede property laws.

>>15584186
Tis an honor to hear so.

>>15584201
I dunno, the manor house is pretty old, what kind of collateral are we talking here?
>>15584153
I'd rather not. Something about an oath to enslave his decendants and keep it from happening again came up in my research.

>>15584192
Screw you and the hoss you rode in on. Let's see you bitch about immortality when you're dying a few decades from now! Liches are contributing members of society! My sister is a lich.

>>15584188
Just wait until you learn about gnomes, halflings, and kender. Good luck keeping the last two straight.

Hello, i got to ask.
I'm a Dragon, red actually, and I cant escape these group of adventurers. Two elves, and a handful of humans.
The... They scare me, i think they've been hounding my family for a while too, because, some of the sick bastards are wearing dragon scale armor. Fire Resistant. I havent been able to reach my father either.

I've tried a number of things to try and get them off my back, i've hired renowned mercenaries, bribed whole tribes of orcs or ogres, outsourced to kobold security firms to safeguard my lairs (but i have to keep moving!), i've shape shifted and lived among the population of Several different cities, but they keep hounding me! I cant sleep anymore!
The only reason i'm able to keep running is i've invested my hoard Very Well in the stocks. (invested in actual stocks, the crime rates gone up)

>>15584201
Those fucking Inevitables.... I have the head of one of the black fuckers over my fireplace. I guess the collection will grow with my immortality.

>>15584254
Don't delay. You MUST alert law enforcement. Preferably a Zelekhut Inevitable. Those adventurers will back right off when the mechanization of justice stomps around the corner and start kicking their ass.

>>15584254
So thats where those scales cam- Nope! No idea how to help! Sorry, gotta go!

Sup, Ausfag here ( My the Rainbow Serpent Protect Us). I got deployed recently in that Succubus incursion in America as part of an international team, but now I haven't got much left to really apply my Shifting to.

Should I pledge for a Paladin order, just so I can see some action?

Wat Do?

>>15584305

Try mercenary work. Trust me, you need the lack of restrictions in order to find the more effective solutions to problems.

>>15584274
You should probably destroy it. Most inevitables are banished upon defeat. That head might just be still active and monitoring your activities in preparation for a raid.

>>15584305
If you want to see action just apply for SWAT work in LA. That place sees more shit getting real than some 3rd world countries. Plus with a military background they'll sign you right up.

>>15582277

Sadly no, see immortality is everlasting *life*. Lichdom is negative energy powered corpsedom. Lich = galvanised cadaver. Turnings too good for them. Burn them all and grind the phylacteries up for spell research.

>>15584351
Yeah, I hear they got alot of problems with rouge Horrors in their sewers. Nasty things - we don't get any demons in Aus, but those things are a universal pain in the ass (literally)

>>15584323
Naw, had it checked by the artificer I mentioned before.

>>15583983
>>15583999

goddammit this is serious

Well at least that golem has left.

>>15584366
You know what keeps extraterrestrial vermin away? Black Oozes, I should really start investing in a Ooze based vermin extermination company.

>>15584254
Fucking adventurers. I know that they can help get rid of some truly fucked up beings, but most of them are nutjobs themselves.

I live in a pretty rough town, good deal of orcs (both half- and full), gnolls, hobgoblins, kobolds, even some orges living around the place. Sure the area has a higher rate of violence then other places, but everyone here are still good people who just want to watch out for their family and friends.

Anyway some group of adventurers come into town looking for some old orc who apparently raised some hell back in his day. The guy turned over a new leaf and has given a good portion of his money back to the community. These vigilantes? They didn't care. They tore up several blocks in a big fight when some of the neighbors didn't like how they were treating their victim. Bunch of people ended up pretty badly injured or dead and there's a good amount of property damaged or stolen. And those blood-thirsty fuckers got off fine.

I mean sure, if you're one of the lucky races like humans, elves, or dwarves they're just heroes who occasionally go too far. But if you're like me and you who are part of the "savage" races, they'll tear through your community without batting an eye.

Wait, what? When did we get off track here? I drop by 4 hours ago and throw in my HFY, and now I come back and it's all liches and dragons and flaming gay unicorns and shit. Where my human bros at?

>>15584377
No kidding, the SRA are some mean hombres. They've been known to lobomize rogue mages to stop them practicing magic. They also demand registry from all beings that are anything but a flatline human. Makes me glad I live in Canada where we had that extension of citizen status granted. Fuckers give me the chills less than the wendigoes that come through from time to time.

>>15584419
Or at least humanoid and living, if it really comes down to it. I'd rather listen to elves and dwarves bitch than all you scaly creepy-crawlies.

>>15584419
My new axe needed testing.

>>15584433
Dude, I'm a young spectral lich, I still use my own young body. And beside some celestial heritage I'm human.

>>15584433
Hey I'm both, even made with all natural ingredients. Don't ask me why I don't count.

>>15584254

What level are your pesky adventurers, and where will you be swinging by next? I can maybe arrange something to take care of your little problem for a fee...

>>15584460
Dude, you were just talking about walking through walls and stuff. I read Sight Guy's post, y'know. You probably go invis and watch people crap just for lulz.

I mean, it's nice that you still got your old body, better than killing some bloke and using his instead, but putting on a man-suit don't make you a man.

>>15584433
Laddy, you missed the boistorous dwarf who has done nothing but talk since this thread started.

>>15584254
You need help with that, gimme a call. I'll put a bullet in em and make it look discreet.

>>15584470
Oh, you the flesh golem? I've seen your type. Reason is you fucks look like fucking Frankenstein.

ugh more cadavers. the worst? Those damn "Dead Pride" days.

>>15584494
I'm not into scat, my fetish is pixes. And for your information; since I've had this body for all while I feel all it feels, I'm not less than a man, I'm the opposite.

>>15584433
Sup.

>>15582512 here
Just saying, I'm a little curious about my heritage, but Humanity is pretty awesome. I posted for a bit of advice, but I don't actually know anything I'd rather be than human.

>>15584507
Am, not looks like. Being part of the original modern monster mythology isn't all it's cracked up to be. No royalties from the movies, no action figure percentages. Got over the speech impediment too. Fire still remains bad, however.

>>15584520
Huh, pixies. Like, this kind of thing? I dunno, man, I hear that pixie dust fucks you up.

>>15584514
Not at all vitalist.

>>15584545
True, large doses and it's basically LSD.

Also... that pic is extremely disturbing.

>>15584525
Oh, right. Changeling guy. That's gotta be one hell of a mindfuck. Kinda makes me wonder what happens to the kids they swap you folks with. Ain't there support groups or something? Like they have for army brats?

>>15584290
I tried that some twenty years back, and guess what i found out. They sell LICENSES to get my family just because my touched in the head relative went down to florida for a while that resulting from some bard and a charm spell (Legal rape if you ask me) giving a mostly retarded half dragon left to be raised by the state, because the dead beat father left to 'quest' and my relative was in no condition to deal with a child. The kid went down a wrong path, got himself black robes, messed up a whole bunch of hellfire. He is, well, Was, my blood until that party took him down. They went to the courts, and got a what amounts to a black out clause on my entire bloodline 'too dangerous to go on living'

I just cant believe it. But bottom line is, the government wont help me, I can only help myself.

>>15584433

God, you human pride fascists are the worst. What's to be so prideful about? You die at 80, your balls hang out like a sick old dog and you have no semblance of night vision.

I mean, I like gnomes better than assholes you, and our two races have been trying to eradicate each other for centuries.

°hic° I love all've yah. 〒※〒

Okay, another question for you lot.

Were any of you at the Succubus incursion? Were did you serve?

>>15584607
You aswell are a fine purveyor of dwarven quality, whatever your questionable marketing ploys

>>15584554
Don't like it? Go toward the light.

>>15584577
>>15584577
Scandinavia will always welcome you with open arms, with the government letting basically any creature in these days we're crawling with all from Djinns to Onis to Frost Giants. All the "monster laws" also gives you huge protection from adventurers and like, It's a big party and everyone is invited!

>>15584619
Yeah! I got a bit late to the party but I managed to fool around together with some Frost Ghasts.

>>15584481
>>15584505
Look, I'll hire you both! I was headed out to my uncle's old lair up in the rockys, they saw to it that he wouldnt need it any more. They're much hirer than me because they've been taking out men and woman like my grandfather The Ageless Red, and my great great great grandmother Heiress Delu, and she had an entire island nation to protect her! It was all in the papers remember?! Thank the high dragons that we've all taken to not having solid assets anymore, sure a big pile of gold for show, but our real cash is in the banks where its safe.

The only thing keeping me safe is a growing bank account from wills, and my wits.
That's the alarm, the barbarian tripped it again, I have to go.

>>15584591
Hey, just cause I got pride don't make me no fascist. Did I say 'kill em all and let the pantheon pick through the pieces?' Did I say anything about the fucking children of Zerus?

Just cause I wanna have some chill time with my human bros don't mean I wanna have that dragon bro ground up for reagents.

>>15584626
Party, I'll bring the beer. °belch° Oh, I felt that one in my gut. *Stumbles away*

>>15584650
I hope he takes care.

>>15584650
Just gimme co-ordinates, as much information on the targets and 15,000 for expenses and I'm there.

>>15584545
My good man, do you know if that picture is part of a set? I would very much like to see what happens next...

>>15584650

I know of a few people who specialize in wetwork I'll hook you up with. Adventurers usually expect not to be ambushed when they are strung out and in safe places, especially not by the guys I know.

>>15584660

Hey, I don't go around saying "kobolds only up in this" or "warmbloods stay out", but if I did they'd grab me up faster than if I'd signed up for the goblin liberation front. Racial equality my scaly ass.

>>15584696
Saved it from some thread years ago, sorry. It keeps popping up now and again but I've never seen any more of it.

>>15584704
Was it your group involved in the removal in Chicago about a year or so ago? That was very neatly done.

>>15584728
Ah, well it never hurts to ask, I suppose.

By the by, if you happen to meet an ice nymph in a bar, don't get any ideas. My dick is still cold from last week.

>>15584751

No, that was someone country's spec ops, or so I hear. Apparently the guy embezzled money from an African Dictatorship, and long story short his entire operation vanished overnight out from under his security.

That said, these aren't the guys, at least I don't think so. Thing is, resurrection won't work on your adventurers after these guys are done with them, and odds are practically nil that they'll ever manage that. Thing is they charge out a whole bunch of money, probably at least a substantial part of your horde, and you might not even be able to pay for all of these guys in one pop. That said, you'd better make sure you can pay everything beforehand.

Hey everybody. I'm a Dwarf, and my parents are really traditional Dwarves. Both have long beards, they won't wear any cloth besides leather, always wear an axe, the works. But I'm dating a human, I have been for two years, and I don't know what to tell them. How do I tell my ridiculously traditional parents that I've been going out with a human? Because she and I are thinking about getting married. And my parents will figure it out eventually. I just want to be the one to tell them. But they will probably disown me if I don't break it to them lightly somehow.

inb4 any interspecies relationship haters telling me I'm a "race traitor" or that it's "like bestiality".

>>15584704
>>15584669

Look look, If you take care of this, I won the roll from the will of the Heiress, if these guys dead, mutilated, disgraced and foiled in such a way that when people hear of their demise they vomit before the story even begins! With Souls trapped and thrown to a place they can never ever return!

Then, you will each get half of a mostly destroyed island nation, a kings ransom for each head, and the summoning ritual of a very VERY flexible succubus.

>>15584819

Yeah, that may be a bit much. It's going to be obvious you sent assassins after these guys, but no body no crime. Might just want to be satisfied with keeping your hide intact.

>>15584819
>>15584794
'spose you and me are working together on this one, 'ey Nightshade?

>>15584818
Dress her in full dwarven plate
I also know a beard guy, he can set you up nice.

>>15584818
Ever notice that when someone says half-elf, half-dwarf, half-orc, or any other half, the unstated half is almost always human? I figure we gotta be doing something right if everyone wants their kids to be part us. So figure out what that special something is, and then tell your parents. It'll probably knock their socks off.

>>15584857

Eh, it's more I'll be setting you up with some real elite operators. I don't really want to get my hands in this directly.

>>15584818
I wouldn't worry about it. Our seed is so potent that if an interspecies orgy was happening and a dwarf was asleap in the next room, everyone would give birth to a dwarf. So, seeing that tell them, and produce dwarf children which defy logic.

>>15584866
Actually, it may be evident from what I've said upthread, but I know fuck all about orthodox dwarves. This sounds hilarious. Do it.

>>15584842
You're tax deductible as extended assets of the late Heiress nobility (See my half-cousin Nestor at 5:04 in the video on youtube. He went down bravely.).
I'm not strong or skilled with magics, but i know my paperwork

Everything is clean, for you to dirty your hands.

>>15584890
You seem to be a fairly intelligible human, tell me, do you humans really grow hair in places other than your head? I haven't seen many humans around here, and the ones I have seen have been.... fully clothed.

>>15584918

If we base everything out of a country with tough extradition laws and a few fronts that we know won't crack, I'll send direct support. We can always run support for the op through the Goblinoid Empire.

>>15584890
Actually its because we just don't mention human halves. I met a half elf half orc. They never called themselves just a half-elf or just a half-orc.

So actually thats more like an insult.

>>15584937
Depends on the person and the culture, really. The only places aside from the head where you'd see really thick hair are generally kept covered and sometimes shaved. If there's hair so thick you can't see skin on the arms or legs, you're probably not looking at a human.

Some exceptions. It's a big gene pool.

>>15584947
Yeah, that wouldn't be too bad: I had a Goblin in my team during the Succubus Incursion. Tough little bugger

I like to go swimming with little bearded women! Heheheheha!

>>15584947
Just do whatever you need to do and do it fast. My family are dropping like giant flies or ending up as omelets.
I've been taking care of my niece, and being at my uncle's old place is making her ask were her dad and 'gampa' is. She's half Dwarf, she doesnt deserve any of this!

>>15584576
Well there are support groups for the stolen kids that they manage to recover, but I never found any geared towards the replacement. It kinda sucks, but c'est la vie.

>>15584958
At least we all know exactly how many pen0r we have, head guy.

>>15584976
HA! I knew it!
Now that know-it-all draconian owes me a new pair of shoes.

>>15585017
So do I : \

>>15585007

You're going to owe through the nose, and everybody I hire costs you commission, but okay.


Also, anyone ever notice the way Dragons never quite end up running the show in spite of all their advantages?

>>15585017

That.

That right there is why I don't feel bad about hitting you assholes in the balls.

Because you feel the need to talk about sexual organs so often it makes me wonder if you're afraid they'll freeze off in a stiff breeze.

>>15585103
They're paying me, so I don't give a damn to be honest.

>>15585103
Cause everyone hates them, maybe? I mean, they do have a nice long history of eating people, jacking livestock, carrying off whatever they feel like, and enslaving other races just to show off their big scaly dongs.

Not that I'm suggesting that the dragon bro in this thread has personally done that stuff, but I'd think it'd take a hell of a lot of antagonism before other races start getting you-slaying professions with centuries of tradition behind them.

>>15585103
Look here sir, I told you i could not fight these men on equal grounds, but many of my family had tried.
It's why my niece no long has a father, or a grandfather, or great uncle. I'm willing to pay through both flaming nostrols, i'm offering up a while nation for you to do as you please so long as these psychopaths are good and dead.

>>15585136

Ah, but that's the thing: your money and connections should net you more importance, but for some reason it just doesn't. It's a curious thing, what with how elves are these days.

>>15585134

See though, compare them with elves or maybe even Drow, and it seems like the more mortal races are doing better off compared to the wyrms. Maybe it is that everyone hates them, or maybe it's some kind of psychological barrier they have that leads to destructive and inefficient behavior.

>>15585216
Interesting theory. Might be something to it. Of course, to hear that there koboldfag tell it, it's because we're all obsessed with dongs, but if that's the case then how are we getting more done with just dongs than these nigh immortal races with their darkvision and wierd super powers?

Although in the case of elves, they seem to be obsessed with pretending that their shit smells like perfume and glitters under sunlight. Dongs beat that bullcrap any day.

>>15585249

See, aptitude at something is determined by a combination of natural talent and skill. Natural talent varies from individual to individual, but as a race elves aren't anywhere too distinct from other humanoids. Skill, however, is the providence of experience. The question is why aren't elves vastly better than everyone at everything?

Psychology indicates that there are learning curbs to all skills, and as one improves more and more one's potential slacks off. I suspect that elves have some sort of built in block, a limiter in the way their cognition works that prevents them from surpassing certain levels.

I suspect that Dragons have even harsher limiting behaviors. Now I'm just waxing philosophical though.

>>15585289
I dunno, I can't name any other metaspecies other than human that made it into being elected President off the top of my head.

So my family is made up primarily of wizards. It's in the blood--and when I say that, I'm not speaking figuratively. Every time one of us is born, it's pretty much a given he or she's going to be a wizard. They start us with the basic spells early, and by the time we're twenty or so--

Look, I've only got my experiences to look back on, so maybe this is a lousy explanation, but I'll do my best. Each of us has some sort of element or theme or something we're good at, and when I say "good", I don't mean just "decent". I'm talking prodigious here (though of course the fact that the whole family's made up of potential teachers helps, too). It's treated as a coming-of-age thing in our family: Maybe you're stoking the fireplace and then all of a sudden something clicks inside you, and you find out you've got a special affinity for fire. Or maybe you're taking a swim in the pool and you suddenly realize it's tremendously easy to make the water flow as you wish. Something like that. Every time one of us finds whatever it is he or she specializes in, it's treated as this big thing. There's a celebration. We like celebrations.

I'm sort of the black sheep of the family. My father does lightning. In his youth, he could zap a single guy in a crowd from forty feet away, or so they tell me. My mother (who's got some great-great-great-grandparent in common or something) does plants. She grows a mean garden--if she's angry at you, you keep off the grass. My little sister does metal, which kind of left us all confused until she got an apprenticeship with that bladesmith. She's already making her own daggers. Even my weird cousin found his own niche in paper (he's always been a little weird, but he's also a bookworm, so I guess it fits).

>>15585469
... Kennedy was half-elf.

>>15585493
Me? I'm the black sheep of the family. I'm nearly thirty. When I was a teenager all my uncles and aunts would pat me on the back and say stuff like "you'll find your own thing soon; don't fret". By the time I turned twenty and still hadn't stumbled onto anything, they'd stopped waiting for me to leave the room before starting the worried muttering. By the time I was twenty-five, I'd pretty much been written off as the family embarrassment. The worst part was the condescending speeches: "Oh, it's okay; being a wizard is no big deal". "Really, you're lucky not having access to this almost limitless power". "Look at it this way: you don't have to worry about continuing the bloodline, so you can marry whoever you want". Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's really tiring--

But that's not the important part. The important part is this.

Yesterday after work, I was feeling a bit lazy, so I decided to pick up something to eat at home. I'd heard of this pizzeria that'd supposedly been around for ages, so I decided to give it a shot. When I got in there it was like I'd stepped into a time machine. Don't get me wrong--they used electric ovens and everything, but there was something about the atmosphere that make the place seem old. Real old. But not in a bad way. More like a cozy way, if that makes any sense.

Anyway, I ordered my pizza, and decided to check out the arcade in the back while I waited. Now, I say "arcade", but it was really just three machines set up in a corner. No light guns, no rhythm games--this was stuff from the eighties: a maze game, a shooter, and a pinball machine, all with dust an inch thick. I didn't feel like staring at a screen, so I decided that pinball would be my time-killer. Well, I was right about that, at least.

>>15585504
I don't know how to describe it. It was like I was in a trance, but not. The ball went wherever I wanted it to go. Things kept lighting up. Numbers kept turning over. By the time I finally did lose my last ball, my pizza was stone-cold and the guy in charge of the place was looking cross. I grabbed my food and hightailed it out of there, but I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep.

I'm a freaking pinball wizard.

What the hell am I supposed to do about that?

>>15585503

That was a bullshit rumor started after his assassination

>>15585512
There's a song about you, bro.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4AKbUm8GrbM

>>15585512
Are you sure you don't have control of the element the pinball was made of?

>>15585512
1. Find competitive pinball league
2. Win.
3. Profit. And bitches. Bitches loooove that pinball.

Actually, you probably have kind of an element-specific talent. But it's focused on pinball for some reason. Try animating pinball machines, or summoning small silver spheres, i guess? Stuff like that isn't that uncommon. I knew this guy in high school who had a shitload of magic power. But he could only use it on potato chips. He was really popular at parties. And at lunch. I think he started his own company a few years ago? Anyway, don't sweat it.

>>15585518
Man, they have genetic PROOF. His "dad" knew about it, too! He had cosmetic surgery to hide the ears, and he was assassinated because he was going to tell everyone! And the Elf Families couldn't let anyone know! They had him killed! Oswald wasn't the real killer! It was an ELF! There's eyewitness evidence!

Hey /tg/, last time I saw a thread similar to this, I was asking about centaur girls and what it means if one lets you ride her. There's nothing official between us, at least not yet, and I'm still a bit clueless about centaurs. So, new question now.

Yesterday she asked me to brush her. At first I thought she meant her hair, so I asked if she also meant her coat. She did. I did it, and I don't think I did very well, but she didn't seem to have a problem with it.

How the heck am I supposed to interpret this? How much of a step up is brushing her?

>>15585493
>>15585504
>>15585512
Okay, human bro signing out. You just won the fucking thread.

>>15585594
Man, you're getting sucked in by the wiles of the centaurs! The let you ride them, then brush them, and next thing you know you're in the middle of a forest with their tribal sorcerors ripping out their heart and offering it to the horse-spiritsthat let them have those bodies! Centaurs were originally human, man. They've been covering it up so that nobody tries t gain their power.

>>15585619
Forest? Heck man, ain't any forests around here. Not for miles and miles and miles. Way too inconvenient for that.

Don't tell me you actually believe that nonsense?

>>15585587
Yeah yeah and Nixon resigned before Innsmouth Syndrome got too bad. Take off the mithril foil hat.

So, I'm asking only because I really need advice. I haven't a clue what to do. Specifically, regarding my sister.

She's half-elven- My little sister, barely a sixth my age. We watch out for each other, as siblings are wont to do. However, she recently- Well, she's dating this guy who has her convinced he's a dragon. She thinks this is the coolest thing ever, and makes him that much sexier. Go figure.

Meanwhile, I'm on the outside, and I've heard all these horror-stories about those scaly freaks. Is he going to string her on for a few decades, then dump her when he gets bored? Become super-possessive? Kill her in a fit of jealousy and spite? knock her up and run? Seriously. I haven't any idea what to do, and he's the type that's happy to throw around the price of a small office building on an evenings entertainment- Hasn't occurred to her yet, but to me, it seems like she's being his glorified whore.

>inb4 "Oh look, an elf having to deal with someone higher and mightier than him."
I get it, I get it already. I'm sorry. I'm trying not to act like an ass, but I'm seriously worried here.

>>15586137
Go get a posse and lynch his crap. World's better off without him.

>>15586253
We're talking about the same thing here, right? Dragon? Big scaly thing? Wings? Incinerate/freeze/melt/blast things with it's breath? Skin like armor plating? Enough money to make a city's worth of people drop off the face of the earth, permanently?

>>15585136
My good sir, have you ever heard about a very nasty side effect of some of the earlier teleportation spells. Many years ago, when my kind were first working out the kinks, apprentices would constantly kill themselves by teleporting into walls. We eventually made it so that the magic was foolproof. Even if you try to teleport into a wall, the spell won't let you.

I just happen to have an original copy of the spell due to my age. I'll put it on a scroll and you can use it to telefrag them. My prefered method of removing them is to teleport them into solid rock. It disposes of their body and kills them.

Just give me a way to send it to you, and you'll never have a problem again.

If that's too dangerous, take a small glass sphere, about the size of a marble and go to the giant Buffalo statue in North Dakota, USA and walk between the front legs. That'll gate you to my demi-plane where you'll be safe.

Evening, gents.

I'm wondering-how illegal is it to Fabricate a gun you can't import? There's a few different beauties I'd love to own, but can't get my hands on.

>>15586538
Ignore him, he's a troll.

You seem, to understand why and elf in a relationship with a human gets a little weird. Try pitching it like that, maybe?

My names Ted, Im human and I work in a mail room, a small one, with three other guys. What im getting at here is one of those guys is my supervisor, and hes a gnoll and he refuses to wear pants. At first I thought he was the coolest sup. ever until I realized his jock smelled like sweaty wet dog, I can smell it down the hall for fucks sake, and our tiny workspace has almost no ventilation, and the last guy to say anything about it got his head chewwed off....literally. I need this job and I cant quit, what the hell should I do?

>>15587848
Go to any spellcasters you know, see if they can enchant a pair of glasses, or a neckless with a "curse of lose sense of smell." It may be expensive, but it'll make your life alot easier.

>>15587236
OH SURE, BLAME US EVERY TIME WILL YA?!?!

>>15587917
Cousin?

>>15585512
>>15585504
>>15585493

To be fair, it could be a number of things rather than specifically pinball related. Kinetic or probability manipulation spring to mind, and both are around us in subtle ways all the time that it's difficult for people who have an affinity for them to notice it. I must admit, pinball is a surprisingly good way to pick out something like kinetic manipulation, simply because you're focusing on a small object that's moving in short, erratic bursts that you're actively trying to control. Tell me, when you say the ball went wherever you wanted it to, did it suddenly move in a different direction unprovoked or was it more like a subtle curve? Were there any RNG based mechanics in the machine that could have been influenced by probability manipulation?

Hey fellas, I've hit a bit of a problem. You see, I signed up on that new dating site that came out, and well the only hits I've had are from this pixie girl. Being a fire Giant I have no fucking clue how this could work. I already went on a few dates with her, she was nice but it seems like a waste of time, I'm always scared I'm going to crush her, literally.

>>15587236
I am an elf. I don't think she'd listen to that.

Anyway, I mean, I know it's her choice, and it might even be good- he's wealthy enough she probably wouldn't want for anything, and he could certainly take good care of her. Could. I'm still worried he's going to start insisting that she's his possession or part of his hoard or something.

I'm not even sure what I could do if it starts to get significantly worse. He's a dragon- He could take his pick of killing me himself, paying someone to, or hell, offering my sister a house in the Bahamas to get her away from me.

(you guys are all geniuses, i spent half an hour reading everything, laughing my jaw off, and clapping.
Cheers /tg/!)

the rumors about this Alma chick are scary. If they are true...

>>15589275
Broseph, she could be into any number of freaky things.

Planing, sounding, urethral fisting; hell, she could be into soft vore.

...Or she could just want a friend. Dunno.

Just ask her if/when you feel it's appropriate, and remember that Polymorph Other and Polymorph Self wands exist for a reason.

So how about them Sihuagen? Had one turn up in my pool yesterday.

>>15591067
Buggers don't know the difference between a swamp and purified water.

Which, in all fairness, is pretty reasonable, since it certainly isn't purified after they use it.

So I read through the threads, and I gotta say I'm disturbed something.

What is all this backlash against people telling it like it is with the undead? Let me tell you - I serve with the JTCS (joint thaumaturgical control service) on the RCMP side here in Canada.

For any "good" example of an undead you can give me, I can remember an even dozen of bad ones, and nothing goes bad like a corpse does. That's why I picked them when I finished my ranger Apprenticeship, and that's why I help track them down now.

I have nothing against any species, worked with a lot of them during my time with the corpsewatch. From the illithid medical examiner to Tukrhil, best damn tunnel buddy I ever had for a cryptcrawl and the toughest damn kobold I ever drank with. Here's to you man. So I;m no Child of Zarus. But seriously, don't fall for the "equal lives" crap, people. The undead are not to be trusted. If you need more straight info, contact PAUL, People Against Undead Liberties. They're a multispecies nonprofit dedicated to educating and preparing good, honest breathers against the cadaver menace.

>>15591128
Tell me about it. Do you have any idea how hard it is to have an underground pool drained?

There needs to be more troll extermination teams in NYC. I have a bunch of trolls in my backyard and everyone is too busy to get rid of them (someone start a new thread)

More of the opinions, questions, problems and solutions of a modern day fantasy earth.

Prior thread
>>15582277

>>15593298