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  • File : 1305696255.jpg-(363 KB, 1000x1240, Empress1.jpg)
    363 KB Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:24 No.14965662  
    So my generals inform me that your lord is prepared to discuss terms for an armistice.

    I must confess, I find his sudden eagerness for talk rather amusing considering his prior obstinacy. And surely this abrupt change of heart has absolutely nothing to do with my soldiers now being only a day’s march from your precious capital. Certainly not.

    No, you don’t have to explain. I understand your lord must have reasoned that a woman would be utterly lost when tasked with directing a formidable defensive campaign against his invading armies, to say nothing of a swift retaliation that would find its way to his very doorstep. And now, after having at long last realized his fatal blunder, your lord wishes to sue for peace. Well I dare say he finds himself in a somewhat precarious position of late, wouldn’t you agree?

    You know when first our nations opened talks, I deemed it necessary to send my most trusted courier as a gesture of goodwill between our two peoples. You may recall she was quite gracious, and that your lord delivered her back to us rather worse for wear. You see, more than just a pretty messenger, she was a very dear advisor of mine… and a talented singer to boot.

    So perhaps you might imagine my sincere disappointment upon discovering that my once vociferous and virginal maiden-of-the-court was no longer chaste upon her return, and that she had lost her tongue as well.

    “Where could it have gone?” I wondered. “To the king’s hounds,” I was told.

    No, I’m afraid there will be no further negotiations. Your kingdom will be burned to ashes and everyone in it either put to the sword or sold into servitude. As for your lord, I trust the irony will not be lost on him when he inevitably finds himself at the mercy of the powerful jaws of my palace tigers.

    And as for you, my good emissary… what do you suppose your fate should be?
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:26 No.14965676
    "I knew I shouldn't have signed for the dental plan."
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:26 No.14965678
         File1305696385.jpg-(32 KB, 312x284, muslimextremist.jpg)
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    Oh, I was thinking forty virgins and maybe a date tree.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:27 No.14965687
         File1305696434.jpg-(89 KB, 407x405, 1272858124588.jpg)
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    Death by wealthiness, longevity and oversexing, ideally. Although I can trim it down to the last part, if that's amenable to Your Highnessness. Ma'am.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:27 No.14965691
         File1305696459.jpg-(175 KB, 500x588, Baboom.jpg)
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    If I were to venture a guess, I'd say you shouALLAH ACKBAR!
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:27 No.14965693
    Why the fuck are you taking out onto me the consequences of another mans actions?

    It's not like his dumb ass will learn anything new from any amount of suffering of myself.

    God damned stupid women.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:28 No.14965702
         File1305696505.jpg-(160 KB, 600x464, 1276729054440.jpg)
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    "Not my problem but get in my way and I'll kill you off.

    Why? I'm a pc bitch and the luck god favors me tonight"
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:28 No.14965704
    "What if I told you that the said lord's head is in my backpack? Would that give me any chips to bargain with?"
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:29 No.14965707
         File1305696541.gif-(1.97 MB, 400x226, 126331_o.gif)
    1.97 MB
    >>14965693

    Good! Hit her with double-reverse psychology! Great plan, that!
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:29 No.14965710
    Just delivering a message.
    >I prepared explosive runes today.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:30 No.14965720
    >>14965662

    Well, I had hoped, your Highness, that when the time came you would not reduce yourself to the cruel and petty nature of my Lord, but your statements have proven otherwise.

    I can only assume I shall be misused by your rather large royal guardians, before being thrown in to the wilds.

    A shame the Gods never grant power and mercy to the same beings, and thus deny them true Greatness. But I understand. You are mortal, as are we all, and entitled to your wrath. I will bear your mistreatment as I bore my lord's: poorly, and painfully, and in the end futilely.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:30 No.14965722
    i'm holding a thermal detonator.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:32 No.14965736
         File1305696738.jpg-(101 KB, 421x512, 1275530848948.jpg)
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    >>14965720

    Uh, forgive him, Your Worshipfulness! He has been touched by the sun, and knows not of what he speaks!

    (Where are you going with this? Are you TRYING to get us killed?)
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:32 No.14965738
    >>14965662
    >your lord
    What?
    No, no. There has been a terrible mix up.
    I'm a defector. I was against that guy from the start.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:33 No.14965749
         File1305696832.jpg-(19 KB, 257x359, Red Dead Redemption review 1..jpg)
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    >activate Dead Eye
    >mark head
    >empty all six cylinders worth of .45 Long Colt
    >tip hat and walk away like a boss
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:34 No.14965754
    "It is very simple. I was obviously sent to die. What you chose to do to me is your choice - I was merely sent to do the duty no other person would deign or dare to have done." Weighty pause. "If you should chose me to suffer as did your own emissary, I must of course submit to your orders....I am at your mercy as she was at his. I only ask that your words be sent to my lord in some manner, so that he knows what manner of dragon he has roused with his idiocy."

    Kneel, head down.

    "I am at your disposal."
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:34 No.14965756
    "Burn as the stars burn; Burn on after they die. Never to the peace of ashes. Out of sight and succour. From men or gods or ghost: To the ends of time, burn."
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:35 No.14965757
    >>14965738

    It's true, Your Honor; we said very nasty things about him when his back was turned.

    Yorick, tell the Grand Abbotess what you said about Lord Renly's hair.

    (Come on, don't leave me hanging!)
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:35 No.14965760
    Running. My fate is running until you lose interest.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:36 No.14965765
         File1305696970.jpg-(16 KB, 423x317, Putin Bury You.jpg)
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    One day's march from Moscow is ten thousand years of hell, fool. Do to me as you'd like - my faith in my motherland is what makes me strong.

    Tak Bylo, Tak Yest'i, Tak Budet Vsegda.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:37 No.14965775
    Forgive me, my Lady, I am but a humble---

    Wait a second. How many of us are here, anyway? Shit man, Larry, is that you?
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:37 No.14965777
    "Man, I'm not even from that country. I was just hired as a messenger."
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:37 No.14965778
    >>14965757

    "Like the droppings of an incontinent owlbear," I believe my words were, sir.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:38 No.14965787
    "Today, I prepared a spell that would open a portal to the Abyss when I said the word."
    The word is "word", in case you didn't get it.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:38 No.14965790
    >>14965765
    >One days march away
    Little do we know, we already destroyed our own capital.
    Problem, Frenchmen?
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:38 No.14965797
    >>14965775

    Bob! I didn't know Lord Renly hired you, as well!

    How many couriers does to take to send a single message?
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:38 No.14965798
    >>14965662
    ...My lady, you seem to be confused. We're the diplomats from Assholia.

    Honestly, we were somewhat hoping you'd invade us instead.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:39 No.14965804
    >>14965736
    (Either she falls for fairly blatant reverse-psychology, or we die middle-finger raised. My only other idea was pull a Scheherazade with lies about treaures/secrets we know our lord hid. Who knows, maybe she likes back-bone?)
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:39 No.14965809
    rolled 6 + 6 = 12

    >>14965662
    To roll initiative and draw my sword
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:39 No.14965812
    >>14965787
    No, no, no, Larry, you got it wrong again. Bird is the word, remember? That way, we don't accidentally summon up demons at inappropriate times!
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:40 No.14965814
    >>14965798

    That's strange, because Bob, Larry, Peter, Yorick and I are all from Douchburg. How is it in Assholia? I've heard you've had some nasty weather lately.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:41 No.14965822
    "The nethermost caverns are not for the fathoming of eyes that see; for their marvels are strange and terrific. Cursed the ground where dead thoughts live new and oddly bodied, and evil the mind that is held by no head. Wisely did Ibn Schacabao say, that happy is the tomb where no wizard hath lain, and happy the town at night whose wizards are all ashes. For it is of old rumour that the soul of the devil-bought hastes not from his charnel clay, but fats and instructs the very worm that gnaws: till out of corruption horrific life springs, and the dull scavengers of earth wax crafty to vex it and swell monstrous to plague it. Great holes secretly are digged where earth's pores ought to suffice, and things have learnt to walk that ought to crawl."
    Then we remove our mask.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:42 No.14965834
    >>14965814
    Raining fiery death again, as usual. Nice weather for picnics and such--or for invasions! Great weather for invasions. Keeps the soldiers nice and warm.

    Did I mention we've got a 2-for-1 sack sale going on? Sack one decrepit village, and you get another one sacked for free!
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:42 No.14965836
    >>14965812
    "I changed it to be an asshole today. So, everybody just ignoring the hordes of demons, then?"
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:43 No.14965839
         File1305697382.jpg-(48 KB, 635x427, Ba'al Pimpin'.jpg)
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    Look you backwards cunt, the "King" gave me some sort of missive or another, I haven't even read it yet. Frankly, I came here because I was so sick of his stupid shit that I wanted to see just how deep shit he had gotten himself into before I left his dumb ass to die in his palace and reported back to Antioch.

    Oh how fucking wrong I was to come. Here I thought he had poked a respectable ruler and that we might be able to talk, I thought he had pissed in Atilla's soup, or tipped over Mithradites' whore-table. But no, instead, he attacked you.

    You're fucking nobody. You're just him with tits, the same snarky faux-autocrat bullshit, the same bombastic monologues, the same condescending posturing. I'm a citizen of Rome you dumb cunt, if you want to kill me, you'd better pick out an outfit to wear at Marius's triumph, and be sure to pick one with a closed neck so that they can't see the bruises after they garrote you on the senate steps.

    Fuck me, you know we were a week away from liquidating the last king and replacing him with a governor? No, obviously we need a psychopath like him on the frontlines or else we'll be at war all day every day.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:43 No.14965841
    >>14965804

    (Honestly, the back-bone wasn't the bone I was hoping she'd have a hankering for, if you catch my drift.)

    Uh, Your Exaltedness? Might I have a word with my fellow couriers for a moment?

    Splendid.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:43 No.14965846
         File1305697438.jpg-(117 KB, 1280x720, [Leopard-Raws] Seiken no Black(...).jpg)
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    ITS NOT MY FAULT!
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:44 No.14965847
    >>14965841
    So, when do we give her the note with the explosive runes?
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:44 No.14965849
    >>14965836
    We, the representatives of Assholia, do thank you for the "whores devours" or whatever they're called. The free food, I mean. Haven't had demon in weeks.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:44 No.14965851
    To be frank, and considering the circumstances I have little reason not to be, my life is in your hands. If you see fit to hold me responsible for the responsibility of my lord, that is a decision I'm powerless to abate.

    If I were to have my choice, and again I say this with complete frankness, I'd leave this tent peacefully and run from this place. I'd hide myself away in some quiet little cubby until this entire unpleasantness is done and over with. Perhaps once the fires of war have cooled I can start again with a new life, no longer serving a mad-man out of a sense of patriotism for a land that I'm no longer sure deserves it.

    It is your decision, however. But whatever your decision, know this. I've no intention to sell my life short, and I promise you that I will hurt you gravely before I breath my last. And in doing so I hope you learn something of the determination my people will display if you truly put us against the wall.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:45 No.14965857
    >>14965834

    Ooh, very nice. I've heard great things about Assholia's villages. "Picturesque" was the word that kept coming up, wasn't it, Yorick?
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:45 No.14965862
    >>14965857

    Indeed, sir.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:46 No.14965863
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    >>14965846
    Nothing is ever your fault Jelena, yet you are always here!
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:46 No.14965864
    "Well, I'm hoping you're a better lord than mine is, and that you won't stoop to killing the messenger.

    I'll give you all his troop deployments if you let me live."
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:47 No.14965870
    To unleash the abomination I keep inside my form that feeds off of brutal rape? I mean, that's what I figure, given I'm here now.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:47 No.14965871
    >>14965836

    Well, Larry, you didn't prepare a spell to control the Demons, so I'm going to ignore them until one of them starts to do something to me personally, and then I'm going to kick its demonic ass with my father's holy sword to set a lesson to the others.

    God the life of ne'er-do-well noble's son is difficult. Not, I hasten to add, as difficult as your life, noble Empress. Merely that being bound with such fools on a suicide mission rankles my sensibilities.

    Any chance we can make a fair arrangement on the "servitude" front? I assume this is mainly a women and children affair, but could we keep the scribes? Always so irritating when invaders kill scribes makes a mess of the records for a couple decades.

    If you like, I can get a general inventory of the Kingdom's assets, so you know exactly what you've gained.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:47 No.14965872
    "Excellent speech your highness I'm sure you'll have the poor sap shaking in his boots. Now I would say that it might help if you adjust the lighting a bit and you were to sit up straight, though I will admit the casualness of your posture does carry a certain air of... hmm I shall I say this, ah yes, apathy, as if you've already decide his fate and merely wish to make him realize the gravity of his lord's belligerent attitude. Actually if you're going to that type of feel I would suggest a cup of tea to go along with, it would really drive the point home I think."
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:47 No.14965877
    >>14965849
    Fuck, the Assholians ate the secret demon strike package. Do you have any idea how much those cost?
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:47 No.14965879
    >>14965847

    (Damn it, man, not so loud!)

    (Alright, I have a cunning plan: First, we lure Her Ladyship into a false sense of security by serenading her with classic bardic melodies; then, while she slumbers, we condition her using modern psychiatric methods to view us with the utmost affection. Sound good?)
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:47 No.14965881
    >>14965862
    "Apocalyptic" was another word that kept coming up, I'm afraid. As did "malevolent."
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:48 No.14965883
    >>14965849
    Er, they don't stop coming, mate. Would you mind letting them do horrible things to the murderous broad in front of us?
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:48 No.14965888
    >And as for you, my good emissary… what do you suppose your fate should be?
    I don't suppose anything. I shall go down in history as the dude who took out the she bitch.(cue fight music)
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:49 No.14965895
    "You'll let me go. Or you'll kill me. Either choice suits my needs."

    "You see, my dear, either option will fit, for my soul is as black and tainted, because such a way to power was the only one offered to me. I clawed my way from nothing, nothing at all. But there is power in blood, and there in the dark corners of the earth.

    "If I live, I will continue to fight, and slay, and take strength from those I slay. You may burn the kingdom. I will gain strength from this as well. Or maybe we will throw you back, and I will gain strength from the slaughter that is sure to follow.

    "Maybe you will slay me, and I will go to that dark place, and spend time unknowable to you clawing my way up an infernal hierarchy. But claw up it I will, and one day I will return to haunt you in a way you cannot imagine, bloated on souls and dread power.

    "Or maybe you will take me into your service, and I will be your champion, for now, as long as you conquer and destroy. Or maybe I will just leave, and that will be that.

    "In the end, it doesn't matter, because no matter what you do, I will prosper. You are impotent to me, girl.

    "They sent me because they fear me, because they want you to kill me. They do not see that would be just another step in my rise."
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:49 No.14965898
    >>14965841

    (A fair point, Alex, but we let Arcturus >>14965839 speak. Now the whole thing's tits-up.)
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:50 No.14965905
    >>14965871
    That's because it was one of those suicide things. Note the wanton destruction.
    >>14965877
    It's the Abyss, not the Hells. There is an infinite number, and the spell keeps up until certain conditions are met.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:50 No.14965908
    *snort* Ok, seriously though. Where's the king at? I don't have the time to waste standing around yammering with the help. This is a matter of national importance here.

    *pokes around looking for hidden occupants*

    Very funny. Haze the opposing nation's messanger. Can we all act like adults for a few moments, please? I've tickets for a show in a few days and if I leave soon I'll be able to get back home in time.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:50 No.14965913
    >>14965881

    Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course. Not many nations can pull off ominous organ music and dramatically spaced lightning strikes quite the way Assholia can.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:51 No.14965916
    >>14965898
    (We claim Arcturus is from Thundercuntia. We're Douchburger representatives, and not responsible for the madman's rant. Everyone with me?
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:51 No.14965918
    >>14965883
    Oh, sure.

    ...Mind if I take home a doggy bag? The kids tend to complain if they don't get to eat every few days or so. Ungrateful buggers.

    That's not to say that we're not full of food and riches, your highness! Practically swarming with the stuff! And we're literally swimming in gold! Its just right there, on the street, burning the shit out of everything! Anyone could just run up and take some!

    ...I'm sure some of its gold, at least!
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:51 No.14965924
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    >>14965839
    ...Damn it Rome, always you do this, we are having it mosts of the way figured out, and then you go with the cunts and the threats and the strangling.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:52 No.14965929
    Is this a bad time to reveal that I'm actually a construct filled with specially imported Assholian devil bees?
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:52 No.14965933
    >>14965898

    (We'll say it was sunstroke. It worked for >>14965720 Uriah there. But wait a minute, I thought YOU were our fearless leader. Lord Renly wasn't very specific.)
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:53 No.14965940
    >>14965918
    Every few days? Spoiled shits. Out on the ash plains, we don't worry about food until the second month.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:53 No.14965942
    "And your fatal blunder, my dear, is assuming that my fate is in your hands."

    At this point I congratulate my lord's brilliance of masquerading the nation's finest assassin as a groveling emissary.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:53 No.14965943
    >>14965929
    >>14965916
    ...Jeeze. How many messengers did you invite to this meeting, your ladyship? It seems like every country on the continent's sent people here to get slaughtered!
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:53 No.14965946
    >>14965929
    Is there a good time to reveal that?
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:54 No.14965948
    >>14965929

    (Phil, did you take your medication? You know what the apothecary says will happen if you don't.)
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:54 No.14965951
    >>14965933
    (Look, I thought I was to come here alone. I didn't expect to find like at least three different delegations from different countries.)
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:55 No.14965958
    >>14965918
    I really don't care what you do with the demons or how little you notice them doing nasty things to you. The idea was for them to drag off little miss uppity cunt over there to a grisly fate.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:55 No.14965961
    >>14965916

    (I just want to ask one question first.)

    Milady? I don't wish to impugn your might, for clearly before you stand nearly forty representatives of over 5 countries, all about to be brought to heel. Fantastic work, by the way.

    I really just want to know: Did you send all the virginal singing messengers out at once, or was it a piecemeal sort of system? Because sending out the others once the first came back mistreated seems slightly cruel, unless you wanted the girls to be mistreated.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:55 No.14965962
    >>14965946
    (Fuck if I know, must be in the Manual of Protocol somewhere.)
    >> Nirkanafag 05/18/11(Wed)01:55 No.14965963
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    Do with me as you wish. I have no interest in the feuds of nobles, no stake in the expansion and destruction of fiefdoms, nor any use for what a life of servitude or even of power would befit me. I was sent to deliver a message and that is what I have done; my mission is complete and from this point my services are once again for hire. If you would have need of an assassin, a messenger, a soldier or a tactician then I would offer my services to you in exchange for my life. If you would not wish my talents to be bestowed upon your forces then I would ask you grant me my leave with my life -- you may take from me what you will, but I would request I be left intact enough to continue to function in my profession.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:56 No.14965969
    >>14965940
    Ah, the ash plains! Lovely country! I should send them there, that'll teach them. Know of any good pits I can leave them in?

    >>14965913
    Ominous music and lightning are our primary exports. Well, that and the devil bees, but we don't talk about those.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:56 No.14965975
    >>14965951

    By my count, there are twelve from each country, sir. Doucheburg, Assholia, Thundercuntia, Twatistan, Prickalaysia and the West Cuntry are all represented, sir.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:57 No.14965980
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    >>14965662

    Going on the assumption that your intent is focused on equivalent reciprocation, I would have to say that you will be unable to carry out your presumed designs.

    I say this because I only possess one of three required properties that would enable such a retributive act, that being my possession of a tongue.

    The second, which is absent, is that I had already lost my virginity. Also, due to the nature regarding my sex, there wouldn't have been a stigma attached to its loss in the first place.

    Secondly, I would have to actually be an emissary from the country you are currently at war with. Yes, I did admit that I was an envoy from that kingdom, and I also wore the finery of the station and produced the required proof, but that was only because I had subdued the representative and pilfered his effects while he was on his way here.

    I apologize for the deception, but circumstances which I assure you are relevant to your continued interests demanded that I secure an audience with you.

    That said, I would like to introduce myself as the ambassador of the Dead Kingdom of Ixaad, and liaison to it's last and eternal monarch, Queen Ixaad.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:57 No.14965981
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    >>14965924
    >>14965898
    I'm sorry team, but you know how it is, 300 mile ride, every time I look down I see the roads are made of wood (un-fucking-believable) and then when I get here they won't even let me rape the serving staff!

    I mean come on! Next they'll be saying the women here get first names!
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:57 No.14965983
    >>14965975
    (I was beginning to feel the place a little crowded, Yorick.)
    >> Servant of the Emperor 05/18/11(Wed)01:57 No.14965985
    >>14965943
    "Oh Wait a Second... This missive is supposed to go to the Lady Anne Marie. I'm in the wrong damn Invasion Camp! Anyone else here for the Anne Marie army?"
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:57 No.14965988
    >>14965946

    Is there a good time to not reveal that?
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:58 No.14965991
    >>14965962

    (There was. But PHIL decided to EAT the bloody thing on the ride over. Although I think it said something about Larry being in charge. I could be wrong, though.)
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:58 No.14965992
    A fitting end for that wretched country. I was getting bored with The King anyways, he was starting to feel REGRET of all things. Can you imagine? This looks like a nice country though. I can't wait to run it into the ground like all the others I've been to over the years. Oh, and I must thank you for the courtier, she made for a mostly... lovely sacrifice for Juiblex. So lovely in fact, that I still have a few hours of service left on this fellow..." I point behind me as an Elder Spawn of Juiblex seeps up through the floor
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:58 No.14965993
    "WHO WANTS SOME ROYAL DICKIN- oh sorry sweety... I uhh... didn't know you had... guests. Wow... awkward. Look I'll just uh... get outta your way ok? I'm sleeping on the couch for the next month aren't I?"
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:58 No.14965997
    >>14965983

    Indeed, sir.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:59 No.14966001
    >>14965946
    I dunno, really.
    >>14965948
    Sorry to spring this on you, but Phil was eaten by zombies in that little plague. I have his memories implanted in me, and it would have been coupled with Dave's death curse
    >>14965756
    when they killed him.
    Er, can I still do it? It's kind of my sole purpose.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)01:59 No.14966004
    I regret to inform you mistress, that I am a Class V protocol construct, and am thus not subject to attempts to intimidation. Implications of bodily harm hold no threat to me. That said, I hope you will reconsider your previous hostile stance, as your assumption of weakness on the part of my employers possibly be absurd if I had the capability to understand the human concepts of humor. Also, I speak through a fiendishly clever gnomish-devised voice box, so "cutting out my tongue" is not quite an option.

    Whatever your suspicions on the motives of the Royalty, I can assure you with complete confidence that the terms I hold in my manipulators were crafted with complete sincerity, and my Lord has the utmost respect for you as a military leader, fleshly inferiority notwithstanding.

    I ask, however, that if you're unwilling to discuss the terms of this armistice, you allow me a moment to transmit these wishes to my superiors, so all parties involved can be "on the same page" as it were.
    >> Uriah 05/18/11(Wed)02:00 No.14966013
    >>14965975
    Six countries, the Ixaadi are here, apparently. >>14965980
    Ball-less sodomites.

    (I'm a damn Noble's son! The only qualifications I had for this job are my dad's holy sword and the fact that I convinced Lord Renly's daughter to sleep with me! I don't know what to do in this sort of thing. Poetry?)
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:00 No.14966015
    >>14966004

    Figures that Twatistan sent a bloody robot to do a man's work.

    No offense, Yorick.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:01 No.14966020
    >>14966015

    If I may remind you, sir, I am a golem.
    >> Bob 05/18/11(Wed)02:02 No.14966023
    (This is going to take a while to sort. Anyone brought a pack of cards? Hopefully not a marked one this time, yeslarryiamlookingatyou.)
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:02 No.14966026
    >>14965969
    Hmmm, there's the Pit of a Thousand Spinebears with Barbed Penises, where if you fall in, you'd better get used to eating caustic, radioactive semen to survive very quickly.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:03 No.14966033
    >>14966020

    Shut it, Yorick.
    >> The Hapless Emperor 05/18/11(Wed)02:03 No.14966035
    "Any of your guys mind if I take the robot. I always wanted to take one apart to see how it ticked."
    >> Bob 05/18/11(Wed)02:03 No.14966037
    >>14966033
    Be nice, it's been a long day.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:03 No.14966041
    >>14966013
    >I convinced Lord Renly's daughter to sleep with me!
    That goes a long way to explaining why he sent you. How much you want to bet Rendizzle's halfway to Belgrade by now? He'll be doing coke off of Montenegrin tits while we're all breaking on the rack.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:03 No.14966043
    >>14966033

    Very good, sir.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:04 No.14966045
    >>14966023
    I've got one, but I think it's cursed.
    >> Alex 05/18/11(Wed)02:05 No.14966052
    (I had a pack, but I gave it to Dennis for safekeeping.)
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:05 No.14966053
    >>14966015
    No offense intended, honorable sir, but I know roughly 400 ways of saying "suck my highly chromed robotic cock."

    I mention this only to illustrate the superiority of Twatistan engineering over the fallibility of organic negotiations and negotiators.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:06 No.14966060
    "GO MY ROBOT SPIDER MINIONS! GO AND SLAY THIS WENCH!"

    And then I turn 360 degrees and walk away. I'm a fucking wizard, why was I serving someone else to begin with?
    >> Servant of the Emperor 05/18/11(Wed)02:06 No.14966061
    >>14966013
    Well I'm from The Grand Isles of Motherfuckers, but i'm in the wrong invasion camp
    >> Dennis 05/18/11(Wed)02:06 No.14966063
    >>14966035

    (I had them, but Phil ate them on the ride over.)
    >> Uriah 05/18/11(Wed)02:06 No.14966064
    >>14966035
    Have to speak to a Twatistani for that, milord. We Douchebergers have only a golem, Yorick.

    They're very easy to take apart, but incredibly difficult to put back together. So we'd appreciate it if you didn't.

    (Welp, that's it for me then, isn't it? If the tart's married I can't seduce her! Well, I mean, I COULD, but I've got morals. Maybe I just need to sway the Emperor?)
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:07 No.14966067
    >>14965662
    Forgive me, your highness, but... Assholian devil bees often deflower and de-tongue their victims, before turning their internal organs into a hive nest and forcing them to carry the hive over to a densly-populated area.

    My lord, his majesty the King of Assholian--Arseface, we call him most times--has told me that he has never had dealings with your government, and I confess, I don't recall meeting your messenger at the Royal Mud Edifice.

    This may simply be an elaborate misunderstanding--one that could be alleviated by examining the messenger in question. Is she still in the area?
    >> Alex 05/18/11(Wed)02:07 No.14966069
    >>14966063

    Alright, let's put it to a vote. All in favor of cutting apart Phil and retrieving the Manual of Formalities and Protocol AND my deck of cards, say "aye!"
    >> Novice's Guide to Evil !y15cQl1vv6 05/18/11(Wed)02:07 No.14966070
    You seem to have me mixed up with someone else. I'll just leave. Oh, don't mind the spiders, they're harmless.
    >> Bob 05/18/11(Wed)02:07 No.14966075
    >>14966041
    Hey now, the Most Serene And Wise Lord Renly would never send his men in pitifully useless missions to-AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I can't finish this.
    >> Dennis 05/18/11(Wed)02:07 No.14966076
    Aye!
    >> Jimmy 05/18/11(Wed)02:08 No.14966078
    >>14966069
    Aye!
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:08 No.14966083
         File1305698917.jpg-(20 KB, 293x450, AB6607.jpg)
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    >>14965662
    Umm, I was just sent here from Tripballsia to negotiate a trade deal on our pipe-weed exports. Whats all this bad karma 'bout burning my kingdom to ash?

    Take a puff of this, it'll calm you down.
    >> Bob 05/18/11(Wed)02:08 No.14966084
    >>14966069
    Aye! Sorry, Phil, you know how it goes.
    >> Bob 05/18/11(Wed)02:08 No.14966086
    Aye.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:09 No.14966090
    >>14966026
    Pfft. Radiation AND spinebears? The kid's'll love it--they'll think its a bloody holiday.

    Thanks. I'll be sure to haul them over there as soon as we finish here.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:09 No.14966093
    I am a level 20 Diplomancer. Don't worry, you'll love being my slave.
    >> Bob 05/18/11(Wed)02:09 No.14966094
    >>14966084

    I'm a racecar!
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:09 No.14966099
    >>14966035
    I regret to inform you, kind sir, that I am legal considered sovereign territory. If you wish to lease a Class V protocol droid of your own, please submit a request to the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, 22357 Bridge Street.

    Please note that a 6-8 week background check and mental hygiene screening is required prior to disbursement of all Class V droids.

    Also, for accuracy's sake, I'm powered by very highly oscillating crystals and a series of finely crafted lenses. I unfortunately do not "tick".
    >> Uriah 05/18/11(Wed)02:09 No.14966100
    >>14966041

    (Oh Rendizzle, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways.
    1. You're a tool
    2. You owe me 250 crown for proving I could bed your sister
    3. I'm pretty sure you told your father I nailed your sister.
    4. You look like a leper, and it ruins our chances when we go to the bar.
    ...I could go on, but it wouldn't be productive.
    LARRY. Think of something! I'm dying out here!)
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:09 No.14966101
    We are a Worm That Walks, from the Dickzantine Empi- holy shit this place is crowded. What's with the demons and the bees and the fire and explosions?
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:09 No.14966102
    I would sit through this entire dialogue just to see the pan-over to the Queen's face as she watches this ship of fools.
    >> Bob 05/18/11(Wed)02:10 No.14966107
    >>14966094
    >>14966086

    How many Bobs are here?
    >> The Hapless Emperor 05/18/11(Wed)02:10 No.14966116
    I don';t know what's going on but AYE!
    >> Bob (Phil) 05/18/11(Wed)02:10 No.14966117
    I wanna be named Bob now!
    >> Jimmy 05/18/11(Wed)02:11 No.14966118
    Say speaking of the queen, she hasn't said anything in a while.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:11 No.14966120
    >>14966070
    Hey, minion! Get back to the quest thread, we've got EVIL to do!
    >> The Hapless Emperor 05/18/11(Wed)02:11 No.14966124
    >>14966099
    Huh fancy that. How much do you usually cost?
    >> Bob 05/18/11(Wed)02:11 No.14966126
    >>14966107
    A fucking gaggle of Bobs, that's how many.

    PARTYYYYYYYYYYY
    >> Alex 05/18/11(Wed)02:11 No.14966128
    >>14966117

    You can't be named Bob, Phil, you've already got a name.

    Yorick, please butcher Phil for us.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:12 No.14966129
    >>14966102
    To be fair to everyone involved, she's just as stupid for having everyone do this at once.

    Also, if such a coalition could fight her acting like this, she should probably realize that giving them a united front to go up against is...ill advised.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:12 No.14966132
    >>14966120
    Oh, and sing a song first.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:12 No.14966133
    >>14966101
    Ahh. The Dickzantines, our erstwhile brothers! Don't think about it, just take a hit of this. It will all make sense in a moment.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qoCq-KsmZU
    >> Yorick 05/18/11(Wed)02:12 No.14966136
    >>14966128

    Very good, sir.

    Wait, sir, there's something written on Sir Phillip's pantaloons.
    >> Uriah 05/18/11(Wed)02:13 No.14966139
    >>14966067

    You mean all of this is the bloody Assholes' fault?! Gods be Damned.

    And I vote Nay. I never read the damn Manual, we'll be fine. And we may need to kill and eat Phil later if she exiles us to somewhere like Shitstainia.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:13 No.14966140
    >>14966101
    I wish I knew, sirrah. One minute, I'm walking into this here palace, intending to trick--I mean bargain with the head honcho, as it were, for a nice big invasion into my home country. The next minute, the room's full of diplomat's, the Queen's accusing me of nailing her messenger, and devil bees are spreading all over the place!

    Good food, though. Gotta thank her caterer.
    >> Alex 05/18/11(Wed)02:13 No.14966143
    >>14966136

    Well, what do Phil's pantaloons say?
    >> The Hapless Emperor 05/18/11(Wed)02:13 No.14966144
    >>14966118
    Don't worry about it, she tends to doze off when she's bored.

    So which of you is tiger food because I kinda forgot to feed them last night.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:13 No.14966146
    >>14966090
    Oh, you're not knowledgeable about our spinebears.
    These ones are Greater Spinebears, large enough to have FIREMITES that eat your city spinebears whole. And when they rape you, you still can't die despite their prodigious size and boiling body heat.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:14 No.14966148
         File1305699243.jpg-(104 KB, 760x414, rosencranz_guildenstern.jpg)
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    War? No, milady, we were sent by His Majesty King Claudius of Denmark with this sealed letter and his nephew Prince Hamlet. Unfortunately, he has made it very clear to us that "man delights him not", so we won't be participating in any gang rape involving the other couriers.
    >> Bob 05/18/11(Wed)02:14 No.14966150
    >>14966139
    But the cards! I'm itching for some good old Doucheburg Hold'em.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:14 No.14966153
    >>14966124
    As I once heard the High Locutioner remark during a repast with the Arch Barion of Quim:

    "If you have to ask, you can't afford one."

    Respectfully, of course sir.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:14 No.14966154
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    33 KB
    >>14965662

    "My lady, you made a critical error in even allowing me entrance, and a far worse one collecting the majority of your generals here. This vest I wear conceals 30 pounds of explosive and thousands of steel ball bearings.

    "What I do today, I do in the name of the strong overcoming the stupid. Die, idiot queen."
    >> Yorick 05/18/11(Wed)02:14 No.14966155
         File1305699270.jpg-(40 KB, 450x450, dickomancy.jpg)
    40 KB
    >>14966143

    "I prepared explosive runes this morn -"
    >> Bob 05/18/11(Wed)02:15 No.14966164
    >>14966144
    I believe it is that rampaging horde of demons, Imperial Highness. The Assholians can vouch for their taste and delicacy.
    >> Jimmy 05/18/11(Wed)02:15 No.14966165
    >>14966150
    I LOVE Doucheburg Hold'em
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:15 No.14966167
    >>14966155

    And...

    /thread.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:15 No.14966168
    >>14966146
    Still beats home. Hells, maybe I'll take a vacation there, once this shindig is done.

    Meantime, we still need to negotiate this invasion.

    >>14966129
    You know, she really should just invade Assholia. Honestly, it'd make everyone's lives a little easier.
    >> Novice's Guide to Evil !y15cQl1vv6 05/18/11(Wed)02:15 No.14966171
    >>14966132
    Very well sire.

    Open your eyes I see
    Your eyes are open
    Wear no disguise for me
    Come into the open

    When it's cold outside
    Am I here in vain?
    Hold on to the night
    There will be no shame

    Always
    I wanna be with you
    And make believe with you
    And live in harmony harmony oh love
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:15 No.14966174
    I think it's about time I used my gauntlets of ho slappin' to get the fuck out of here, because I don't have time to deal with this bullshit.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:15 No.14966177
         File1305699355.png-(124 KB, 624x352, Ba'al_High.png)
    124 KB
    >>14966139
    Once again, I should have excepted the irresponsible Assholians to almost start a pan-continental war, I ought t- >>14966133
    ...What were we talking about? I'm on a horse.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:16 No.14966179
    >>14966155
    Oh shit I fucking lost it.

    Someone archive this.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:16 No.14966180
    >>14966144
    We ate the tigers. We hope this is not a problem, but we were peckish. Teir brains were especially delicious.
    Dickzantium thanks you.
    >> Uriah 05/18/11(Wed)02:16 No.14966186
    >>14966140
    THERE'S FOOD?

    ALL the Assholes and Cunties were blocking my view.

    Fuck it all, the bees have gotten to the ham. And the demons have royally fucked this ice-swan.

    I'm taking these deviled eggs, and will kill any creature that tries to fuck with them.

    What's this about Phil's pants, Yorick?
    >> The Hapless Emperor 05/18/11(Wed)02:17 No.14966190
    >>14966154
    Dude, did you not see the sign? NO EXPLOSIONS IN THE MEETING ROOM. It's not a suggestion you know.
    >> Novice's Guide to Evil !y15cQl1vv6 05/18/11(Wed)02:17 No.14966192
    >>14966171
    Always
    I wanna be with you
    And make believe with you
    And live in harmony harmony oh love

    When it's cold outside
    Am I here in vain?
    Hold on to the night
    There will be no shame

    Always
    I wanna be with you
    And make believe with you
    And live in harmony harmony oh love

    Always
    I wanna be with you
    And make believe with you
    And live in harmony harmony oh love
    >> 420 from Tripballsia 05/18/11(Wed)02:18 No.14966195
    >>14966133
    dude, don't boggart my weed
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:18 No.14966196
    >>14966177
    >>14966139
    Terribly sorry about that, sirs. Damn bees are impossible to keep in one place. Even the fifty-foot Titan Bears can't hold 'em, and they shoot lava out of every orifice.
    >> Novice's Guide to Evil !y15cQl1vv6 05/18/11(Wed)02:18 No.14966201
    >>14966192
    Always
    I wanna be with you
    And make believe with you
    And live in harmony harmony oh love

    Always
    I wanna be with you
    And make believe with you
    And live in harmony harmony oh love

    Always
    I wanna be with you
    And make believe with you
    And live in harmony harmony oh love

    There. Done.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:18 No.14966203
         File1305699532.jpg-(470 KB, 808x648, rance-gahahahah[1].jpg)
    470 KB
    >This is my Lord.
    Lady; are you in trouble.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:20 No.14966211
    >>14966201
    Now do a dance.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:20 No.14966212
         File1305699611.jpg-(88 KB, 850x760, 1291178623881.jpg)
    88 KB
    "You serious? Look, lady, I don't really know a whole lot that goes on. My 'Lord' though, if you want to call him that, which I don't, since it annoys him, is singularly outstanding at leading men into battle. Our mages, his advisers, can shatter reality itself, summon hordes of demons, and crack the crust of the planet. His armies are built by the loving hand of his fellow Alchemical lord. The machines they wield are designed by one of the smartest men on this planet, brother to the necromancer that serves with them. A days march? You might as well be on the other side of the continent.

    I've fought alongside these men for years and years. From the inn we met, to the kingdom they rule. I know, I don't look like something of their caliber. I have no lands, I command no men, and I cast no spells. I carry a blade, a shield, and a couple bits of metal.... And yet? Here I am. Right where I want to be. This was no meeting of peace, woman. I was sent for your surrender or your head. I'll leave with one of the two. Keep this shit up and I'll take both."
    >> The Hapless Emperor 05/18/11(Wed)02:20 No.14966213
    >>14966180
    Oh really? I never would have expected the brains to be tastey.
    >> Bob 05/18/11(Wed)02:20 No.14966218
    >>14966190
    Imperial Highness, the first Impromptu Douchburg Hold'em Invitational is about to begin. Are you in?
    >> Novice's Guide to Evil !y15cQl1vv6 05/18/11(Wed)02:21 No.14966221
    >>14966211
    Really? Now? I'm not so sure.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:21 No.14966224
    >>14966196
    HA! Back in my day, I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down rape gangs and torture squads, and pay rape gang and torture squad owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad and our mother would kill us, and dance about on our graves singing 'Hallelujah.' And you come 'ere and complain about yer titan bears.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:22 No.14966226
    >>14966221
    Do. A. Dance.
    >> Novice's Guide to Evil !y15cQl1vv6 05/18/11(Wed)02:23 No.14966234
         File1305699817.gif-(9 KB, 400x400, Epic-fail-guy-dance.gif)
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    >>14966226
    This is not how I pictured my retirement going...
    >> DIPLO-BOT 500, AYATOLLA OF ROCK-AND-ROLLA OF TWATISTAN 05/18/11(Wed)02:23 No.14966237
    >>14966196
    I regret to inform you, that as a duly appointed diplomatic construct I've knowledge of over 20 different species of flora and fauna, and "50-foot Titan Bear" is not listed among them.

    I cannot posit why you would affirm as much, although one possibility is your infirm hyuuuuman brain meat has begin it's inevitable decomposition process. It is unfortunate that such a thing must strike one so young, I'm told, but death is apparently something of a given for organics such as yourself.

    It is a shame you must be so silly during the process, however.
    >> The Hapless Emperor 05/18/11(Wed)02:24 No.14966238
    >>14966212
    Chester stop fooling around and get back to cleaning the pool.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:24 No.14966241
    >>14966213
    We are a... how do you individuals say it... connoisseur of brains. We would know.
    For that matter, how would you like to become a Worm that Walks? Assuming you are a spellcaster, that is. Can you not feel the glory of the flesh? Do you not yearn to be free of the tyranny of the individual?
    >> The Hapless Emperor 05/18/11(Wed)02:25 No.14966246
    >>14966241
    ...hmmm... what kind of benefits you guys have?
    >> Chester 05/18/11(Wed)02:25 No.14966249
    Fuck you, the pool is fine. I told you, the green shi- plants only show up in healthy pools.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:26 No.14966254
    >>14966224
    Well, I am trying to tone it down a bit--I'm trying to sell an invasion here, after all. Gotta get them into Assholia somehow, and talking about the rising prices on sulphuric acid and the bee-controlled rape gangs probably isn't going to convince them.

    Tell you what... you help me get her ladyship to start an invasion, and we'll send some of the fat, tasty soldiers from it your way. Maybe even cook 'em for you--nothing beats a proper Assholian barbecue. That'll get Mum and Pops grave dancing, I assure you.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:28 No.14966265
    >>14966237
    Twenty different species of plants and animals? There's more than twenty different species in THIS kingdom--hell, there's more than twenty different species in this room!

    Tell you what, you come by and visit sometime, and I'll show you what I'm talking about.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:28 No.14966267
    This thread needs art now.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:30 No.14966285
    >>14965662

    >female medieval prisoner wat do
    >implying this isn't an elf slave wat do thread with its ears cut off
    Choke on a dick, OP.
    >> The Hapless Emperor 05/18/11(Wed)02:30 No.14966287
    >>14966249
    Well I guess you would know. So wanna go harass the peasants after this is over?
    >> 420 from Tripballsia 05/18/11(Wed)02:30 No.14966293
    rolled 16 + 6 = 22

    >>14966246
    hey, hey, hey...

    I'm freaking out man. what the fucks going on here?
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:31 No.14966298
    >>14966246
    You get to become nearly unkillable, get vermin-based powers, and become entirely made of worms. On top of that, you don't lose the ability to cast any spells you already can.
    Haven't you always wanted to be a collection of dead thoughts that live new and oddly bodied, and an evil mind that is held by no head?
    The process is that the soul of the devil-bought hastes not from his charnel clay, but fats and instructs the very worm that gnaws: till out of corruption horrific life springs, and the dull scavengers of earth wax crafty to vex it and swell monstrous to plague it. Great holes secretly are digged where earth's pores ought to suffice, so things have learnt to walk that ought to crawl.
    Simple stuff, really. Good hours, too.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:31 No.14966301
    >>14966285
    What'cho talking 'bout, Willis? This is a Horrifying Diplomatic Disasters Wat Do thread.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:31 No.14966303
    >>14966285
    Hee.
    >> Chester 05/18/11(Wed)02:32 No.14966308
    >>14966287
    No, I want to go sit in my filthy hovel and stare at my huge piles of money.

    What kind of question is that? The only good thing to ask is 'human peasants' or 'everything else'.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:33 No.14966318
    I wonder what happened to OP.

    Maybe our reactions scared him off.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:33 No.14966320
    >>14966254
    Can I eat the boots, too? So tangy.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:34 No.14966329
    >>14966320
    Of course! What sort of barbecue would it be if we took their armor and weapons off them first?
    >> The Hapless Emperor 05/18/11(Wed)02:34 No.14966331
    >>14966293
    DUDE WHEN DID YOU GET HERE? Oh wait don't me she's delcaring war on you too!

    ...CHESTER DID YOU PUT THOSE PILLS I GAVE YOU LAST NIGHT INTO HER WINE? BECAUSE THOSE TOTALLY WEREN'T FOR YOU TO USE ON HER! THEY WERE FOR UHHH... ANY OTHER WOMAN REALLY. OR MAN. WHAT DO YOU FUCK ANYWAY?
    >> DIPLO-BOT 500, WE LOVE YOU DIPLO-BOT 05/18/11(Wed)02:34 No.14966333
    >>14966265
    <ERROR RESONANCE STACK OVERFLOW ADDITIONAL INPUT ATTEMPTED TO READ ONLY SECTORS ADMINISTRATIVE GEOMANCERS HAVE BEEN NOTIFIED>

    I regret to inform you, GOOD SIR, that that is impossible. I contain within my memory the complete breadth of Twatistan's entire zoological and botanical studies and my entire node has been vouchsafed as experts in the field by no less than the General of Urban Zoology himself.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:35 No.14966338
    Say, I think the bitchy skirt is dead.
    Anyone gonna eat/fuck that, or can I have it?
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:35 No.14966339
    "Are you really a lady, or one of those man-ladies that your country is so full of?"
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:36 No.14966346
    >>14966338
    Fuck you guys, I called dibs.

    Now fuck off, I'm gonna do things with her head.
    >> The Hapless Emperor 05/18/11(Wed)02:37 No.14966356
    >>14966339
    No we keep those downstairs. You want one? They are only a couple hundred each. Preeeetty sweet deal. Oh and they're medically certified to not have, you know, dieseases and shit.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:37 No.14966362
    >>14966338
    Eh... go for it. I'm full up on demon.

    >>14966333
    Twatistan only has twenty species in it? I thought their ecology was doing better than that. You guys still have those Humongous Beard Crabs wandering about the place? I used to have one of those as a pet when I was a kid.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:37 No.14966363
    >>14965662

    Lady, I'm just the janitor.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:38 No.14966367
    >>14966346
    Can I have the ass? I mean, it's swollen and burned and covered in demon seed and you're just going to fuck it anyways and not even eat it a little.
    >> 420 from Tripballsia 05/18/11(Wed)02:38 No.14966371
    rolled 18 + 6 = 24

    >>14966331
    I dunno man, I just came here to sell some of our primo Tripballsian kush and she just starts puttin' out bad mojo like crazy
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:39 No.14966377
    >>14966367
    Fuck you, no way. It's MINE.

    Besides, I was gonna bring her back to life so she can make me a sandwich.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:39 No.14966382
         File1305700795.jpg-(21 KB, 416x312, I need a freaking drink.jpg)
    21 KB
    >people trying to post badass speeches
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:40 No.14966385
    >>14966377
    You know, you could solve both these problems by bringing her back to life and then forcing her to make herself into two sandwiches.
    >> The Hapless Emperor 05/18/11(Wed)02:40 No.14966386
    >>14966371
    She's probably PMS'ing and/or on some crazy pills again. Don't sweat it, it'll blow over.

    It's like that time with the guy from that place ALL OVER AGAIN. Man that was a wild night. Glad I didn't lose my keys.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:41 No.14966392
    >>14966382
    >diplomatic faux pas and cannibalism
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:41 No.14966393
    >>14966385
    Don't be stupid, that's...

    Actually a really good idea.

    Although, I am running low on sex slaves...

    I can't fucking decide, dammit.
    >> DIPLO-BOT 500, HE LOVES HIS MOMMA 05/18/11(Wed)02:41 No.14966395
    >>14966362
    I believe your barbarian tongue does not quite grasp the subtleties of the superior Twatistanian dialect.

    There is not now, and has never been a creature known has HUMONGOUS BEARD CRAB and such a creature was definitely not rendered extinct by runoff from the ROYAL ALCHEMY LABS.
    >> Midwife 05/18/11(Wed)02:41 No.14966398
         File1305700919.jpg-(145 KB, 480x798, midwife_03.jpg)
    145 KB
    >>14966356
    Sir, little ones need lots of meat to grow big and strong. Where is the meat?
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:43 No.14966413
    >>14966386
    Uh, she sort of died. Horrifically. Sorry 'bout that.
    >>14966385
    But I want an ASS sandwich.
    >> The Hapless Emperor 05/18/11(Wed)02:44 No.14966418
    >>14966398
    Uhhh. I guess you can take any of 'em really. Doesn't seem to matter to much me. Well I guess hold off on those worms guys, they seem pretty bro.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:45 No.14966420
    >>14966393
    You know, you only really need the head and rear sections to make a sex-slave. There's plenty of meat left on the thighs, legs, arms, feet, hands, and ribcage.

    >>14966395
    What a pity. I suppose the runoff killed the Monstrous Living Pus-Beasts, too? Those things were so pretty.

    So, what are these twenty creatures then? Just the Boring Beast and a few subspecies, or is there anything fun left?
    >> DIPLO-BOT 500, HIS MOMMA IS ALSO DIPLO-BOT 500 05/18/11(Wed)02:45 No.14966426
    If I might be so bold as to enquire, good sirs, but did the Arch Harlot pass away during our armistice negotiations?

    If so, perhaps we should all sing a hearty round of Hail Twatistan as befitting such a victory over the forces of barbarism and inefficient commerce.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:45 No.14966428
    It is my fair opiniSOMEONE ARCHIVE THIS SHIT!
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:46 No.14966436
         File1305701185.gif-(496 KB, 500x258, parkedmycar.gif)
    496 KB
    .....this is not where i parked my carriage.

    also, your ladyship seems to have a smudge mark on your breast.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:46 No.14966440
    >>14966420
    Nah, nevermind, you can have her. I just found a whole vault of sex slaves I forgot about. They haven't eaten in a while though, so they're really working at getting what sticky white protein they can.
    >> The Hapless Emperor 05/18/11(Wed)02:46 No.14966441
    >>14966426
    I was probably just another double. We have like 50 of 'em and they were gonna get laid off anyway and it was either this or paying their unemployment.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:47 No.14966446
         File1305701237.jpg-(703 KB, 1400x1600, 1304223986503.jpg)
    703 KB
    Oh just get on with it. I've never been a fan of guessing. In the end, it doesn't matter.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:47 No.14966451
    >>14966426
    If Twatistan is willing to take this victory as a signal that it needs to start conquering other countries, starting with Assholia, and that they should start paying their soldiers in salt and tangy herbs and spices, I'll sing anything.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:47 No.14966452
    >>14966418
    You're missing all the fun.
    >>14966363
    Oh yes. Come here.
    >> DIPLO-BOT 500, SOMETIMES HE'S ALMOST TOO DIPLOMATIC. 05/18/11(Wed)02:48 No.14966463
    >>14966420
    I can provide you with the assurances of Twatistan's Board of Tourism that Twatistan's ten's of TREE abounds with a startling variety of A PIGEON and almost three different varieties of RAT.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:49 No.14966465
         File1305701352.gif-(1.48 MB, 400x225, 1296050892848.gif)
    1.48 MB
    >And as for you, my good emissary… what do you suppose your fate should be?
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:50 No.14966472
         File1305701408.jpg-(54 KB, 550x400, Satan.jpg)
    54 KB
    The Empress died right here: (>>14965678 >>14965691)

    The rest of this? This is hell. The entire thread makes sense. Assholians, Ba'al, mechanized golems, and all she can do is listen, paralyzed in an uncomfortable position on her awful throne.

    Should've converted to Mormonism like the man said, dumb bitch.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:50 No.14966474
    >>14966441
    Is this a really bad time to mention the specially conditioned dickwolves?
    She might still be living if you find her soon. Maybe. Unless that's where the holes in this one came from, which would mean it's not a double.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:50 No.14966475
    >>14966463
    What type of rat? Burning rat? Bombadier rat? Intestine rat? Rat-o'-War?
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:50 No.14966477
    >>14966428
    http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/14965662/

    Done!
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:52 No.14966496
    >>14966472
    Wait, so what about the violent things happening to her and the eternal burning and the post-mortem rape and cannibalism?
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:52 No.14966498
         File1305701553.png-(81 KB, 254x294, jackietup.png)
    81 KB
    >>14966465
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:53 No.14966504
    >>14966496
    To you, dear Assholian, that might sound like a regular day, but to people who know what sunlight feels like, it is hell.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:55 No.14966521
    >>14966504
    ...Huh.

    Really?

    She needed to get out more, then. Do some sightseeing. Seems like her home country was surrounded by places that would convince her otherwise.

    ...So does this mean there's no invasion, then? Or are we just switching to Daemonic Invasion, now?
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:55 No.14966522
    >>14966504
    Hey, I know what sunlight feels like! It burns you horribly in a few seconds and also give you tumors. Delicious things, tumors.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:55 No.14966524
         File1305701737.jpg-(10 KB, 263x200, kai.jpg)
    10 KB
    The dead do not wonder.

    *Cry of a hawk as grapple spike fires*
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:56 No.14966528
    >>14966521
    Well, I think the portal's kind of stuck. Sorry about that.
    It's not like there wasn't enough of their kind back home. They could get pretty inventive. Ah, memories.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:57 No.14966531
    I leave the decision up to you, my Lady.
    >> DIPLO-BOT 500, HIS RHYMES EXPRESS AWARENESS; POSSESS FINESS AND WE SHARE THIS 05/18/11(Wed)02:57 No.14966532
    >>14966475
    It is RAT.

    >>14966451
    Good sir, I'm presently unauthorized to negotiate mercenary actions by THE GLORIOUS MECHANIZED LEGIONS at this time but if you would like I can forward your interest to the MINISTRY OF PACIFICATION OF NON-TWATISTANIAN FILTH whom I'm sure will be glad to give you an array of reasonable quotes for your military needs. A GOOD DEAL FOR ANY NATIONAL BUDGET.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:57 No.14966534
    >>14966528
    Wait, you're from Assholia, too?
    >> 420 from Tripballsia 05/18/11(Wed)02:57 No.14966538
    rolled 4 + 6 = 10

    >>14966472
    dude...wanna buy some weed?
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:58 No.14966544
    >>14966534
    Yeah, managed to escape and became a suicide ambassador. Much nicer job, and more food.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)02:59 No.14966550
    >>14966521
    Well it wouldn't be hell if you didn't keep going, now would it?

    >>14966538 .
    What kind of stupid question is that? Of course I would.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)03:01 No.14966566
    >>14966532
    What? Just rat? What kinda stupid name is that? You run out of adjectives, or something?

    Tell you what, you name its preferred killing method, and I'll give you a good adjective for its name.

    Also: please do pass that invasion invitation along. We could always use more warm bodies for our cooking fires.

    >>14966528
    Hey, no worries. Food is food.

    >>14966544
    I know, right? Free catering at practically every palace. The good stuff, too--real demons, not cheap knockoffs like in the hell-pits back home.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)03:02 No.14966573
    >>14966550
    Groovy.

    So, any chance I can convince these hell-guys to marinate themselves, or something? Nothing serious or complicated--I was just wondering if we could get them to rub themselves in brimstone before they show up, or something like that.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)03:02 No.14966574
    Lord? Your "Highness", our "lord" has already paid for his crimes, and your friend had been avenged, along with the other women he raped, once we castrated him for it. His body, sans feet, sword-arm, eyes and tongue, is rotting besides the People's Road, and if you would make peace with us you will be granted passage to spit on his corpse along with the others he had wronged.
    If, instead, you wish to slaughter and enslave us as the great criminal did, then I would warn you that it was not your band of killers, thieves and rapists who destroyed his armies, but us. Your supply lines are already cut, "milady", and if I do not return with your message of friendship to our people then they shall be slaughtered and your lands overrun by a great levy of every man and woman able to hold a blade and winch a crossbow. Do not hope for our armies to disappear come harvest-time: I trust a slaver who keeps man-eaters as pets will be loved by the people of your land as our king was by us.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)03:07 No.14966608
    Hey, just because the real rifts are unapproachable, doesn't mean we're hurting for devils, daemons, and/or demons.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)03:07 No.14966613
    "Milady's ire is a thing to behold, and I regret deeply that I did not have Milord's ear at the time your courier treated with us. That war has killed the more bloodthirsty members of Milord's advisers however is perhaps serendipitous: I do not negotiate either when I tell you that if your army marches on my people as slavers and butchers, they will resist you to the last, but the fact your generals convinced you to entreat with me heartens my belief that you will come to a judgment that will not foster generational enmity between our people.
    "As for myself, while I am not known for my singing voice, I am sure you might find a more 'amusing' use for my tongue than to feed it to your tigers."

    This is the closest thing I can think of that sues for peace by appealing to the lady's sense of duty to her people, while not looking completely treacherous as a servant of our lord. The best outcome I can think of here is to be thrown into the dungeons for vulgarity, but forcing her to ruminate over the conclusions she's already made. It's important to impress that we didn't have complicity in the treatment of her courier, but we can't make ourselves look powerless, otherwise we are an insult as an emissary.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)03:08 No.14966616
    >>14966608
    speaking to
    >>14966566
    >> DIPLO-BOT 500, AS SEXY AS HE IS MYSTERIOUS 05/18/11(Wed)03:10 No.14966629
    >>14966566
    RAT, I've been told upon observation by the finest Zooficers Twatistan offers, subsist mainly on gnawing the GLORIOUSLY SAFE detritus that eminates from the ROYAL ALCHEMY LABS. I'm also told that they explode when startled. Or if you make direct eye contact. Or if jostled only slightly. I can only assume your benighted educational system was lax if the common RAT is beyond your knowledge.

    In regards to your request for MILITARY DEPLOYMENT I would like to point out that THE GLORIOUS TWATISTAN MECHANIZED LEGIONS are constructed only of Class V-XVI Battle Constructs, and any attempt to ingest voids any warranty either explicit or implied. Class V-XVI Battle Constructs also explode when exposed to open flame, and doing so will void any warranty from GLORIOUS TWATISTAN.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)03:11 No.14966632
    >>14966608
    Well, any you could send our way would be appreciated. We certainly aren't hurting for hungry mouths to feed, that's for sure.

    And I'm not even counting those of us infected with the Million-Tiny-Mouths plague.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)03:12 No.14966641
    >>14965662
    Woman, I'm from Australia. Please, /please,/ take our capital. Gods know none of us want it.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)03:13 No.14966652
    >>14966641
    But that's the only place you can get pornography and fireworks!
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)03:14 No.14966654
    >>14966629
    Oh, so "grenade rats," then? That isn't too hard for your vaunted education to handle, is it?

    Thanks for the cooking tip--though you might want to tell your troops to be careful about the border fires on their way in. Wouldn't want them exploding before getting to us, would we?
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)03:17 No.14966688
    >>14966652
    >Implying that's worth going there. We have the internet for a reason.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)03:48 No.14966903
    That is a gratuitously clingy dress.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)04:34 No.14967241
         File1305707691.jpg-(10 KB, 270x187, carrion.jpg)
    10 KB
    >>14966903

    Darn... with all the demons, bees, emissaries and the empress killed, raped, eaten and gone (not necessarily in this order), it suure is quiet in here.

    Now let's see what they have left for the more careful...
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)04:37 No.14967260
    >>14967241
    She was also tortured. And now she's in the Abyss or something like it. Which I figure is worse.
    You're not getting much out of her.
    Also I wouldn't eat anything unless you are Assholian.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)04:44 No.14967311
    >>14967260

    Guess what. I'm a vulturius assholiae. I eat what even Assholians don't have the stomach to. Yes, I don't eat often.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)04:47 No.14967332
    >>14967311
    Something Assholians won't eat...
    Hmmm.
    No, nothing's ringing a bell, including molten metal.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)04:47 No.14967333
    Well, seeing as I've spent the last two months in your dungeon and only recently had the chance of visiting our embassy and confirming some details and regenerating my fingers, I'm sure I've got quite a clear perception of the issue.

    >screaming from outside ensues

    You see, what you're about to do is negotiate the terms of a treaty that will stop the quite massive detachments of dragon and bullette cavalry from tearing your palace down stone by stone. You know, a peace treaty like the one we had outlined before your emissary charmed her way into my Lord's bedchamber and tried to cut off his manhood "as a joke", as she put it. My Lord was obviously quite put off with her and the siren blasts which killed a number of his palace guards didn't improve his moods any.

    Now, my Lady, we've both seen a number of villages put to the torch and eaten alive. Why don't we try neverending peace for a few months?
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)04:51 No.14967359
    This has to be one of the most cheesy and eye-rollingly bad threads in a while.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)04:59 No.14967409
    >>14967359
    Ayup.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)05:03 No.14967426
    How about Assholian shit?
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)05:03 No.14967430
    >>14967426
    Nope, still something they'll eat.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)05:12 No.14967471
         File1305709933.jpg-(53 KB, 485x365, 79693bb43c38826c0146e4c2bff04d(...).jpg)
    53 KB
    Look at your ambassador.
    Now back to me.
    Now back to your ambassador.
    Now back to me.
    Sadly, she isn't me, but if she hadn't been gang raped and had her tongue cut out she could negotiate like me.
    Look down.
    Back up.
    Where are you?
    You're in a castle, with the ambassador your ambassador could negotiate like.
    What's in your hand?
    Back to me.
    I have it. It's a declaration of unconditional surrender from that country you hate.
    Look again. THE DECLARATION IS NOW DIAMONDS.
    Anything is possible when your ambassador can negotiate like me and not a harlot.
    I'm on a horse.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)05:58 No.14967704
    >>14967359
    I just caught sight of it. Care to summarise?
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)06:05 No.14967730
    >>14967704
    Well, take a quick skim of the tedious purple prose of the OP, and you'll get the drift.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)06:06 No.14967737
    >>14967730
    Half-naked Empress talks shit, /tg/ goes full on "ambassador rape wat do?"
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)06:07 No.14967742
    There seem to be 6 main types of replies

    -The "It's not MY fault/I'm just following orders." excuse.
    -The "Do what you must/I accept my fate." declaration.
    -The "Have at thee, bitch!" battle charge.
    -The "LET ME JOIN YOU." request.
    -The "This isn't where I parked my car..." defense.
    -The very rare "Do the right thing." plea.
    -And finally, the "YOU'VE JUST WALKED INTO MY TRAP LOL!" reveal.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)06:08 No.14967745
    >>14967737
    She's not half naked so much as that is literally the tightest dress ever.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)06:15 No.14967766
    >>14967742
    You forgot the "Really? You want to invade Assholia/Australia? Sweet!" replies.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)06:24 No.14967795
         File1305714259.jpg-(139 KB, 583x798, orbital.jpg)
    139 KB
    ###Actually, I only just planeshifted in. I am aware that my model class is "Orbital Delegate", but I believe you have missed the euphemistic nature of that title.###
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)06:31 No.14967822
    Well, our lord is obviously a complete dick.
    Apologize for not having the power to put a stop to his madness and offer our fealty to her.
    >> Anonymous 05/18/11(Wed)12:36 No.14969415
         File1305736577.jpg-(42 KB, 837x756, Crest of Assholia.jpg)
    42 KB
    ....Really?

    I mean.. really? HOW FUCKING RETARTED ARE YOU WOMAN!? WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS GOOD WOULD YOU TRY TO INVADE ASSHOLIA?!

    Because your little singing prissy came back raped and without her tongue?!
    You send a pretty singing little dove with golden frilly hair in white skimpy dress, without an escort or a at least a sword to a country where we have tics the size of housecats, cranium rats as big as dogs, fucking cazadors everywhere and now its OUR fucking fault?!
    Hell, you should celebrate that she's fucking alive, normally our bearspiders tend to eat thier prey after raping it!

    Lety me ask again: HOW FUCKING STUPID CAN YOU BE?! Do you really think that the crest of assholia looks like that for no apparent reason? Do we really have to hang up corpses at the borderline of those asshats who tried to venture into assholia?

    So you defeated our army? BIG FUCKING DEAL! Old-man Tom and his four sons who were near the border trying to salvage some wood that's not rotten, or non-poisonous gras to stuff thier matresses with it. Yeah, you are really a marvelous general, you should pat yourself on the back for that!

    No, you know what? FUCKING DO IT! Go on! Invade us! It will give us some good reason for a celebration, the fancy horses I saw in your camp look well feed and tasty and the last time we had some good horsemeat on the dinner table was when the bare-chested Rapists of Twatistan attacked some months ago. You should actully ask them for some battle-tactics regarding assholia, for we all know how well it went for them when they tried to invade.

    Go on! I dare you! At least my family will have something other than black sludge or roasted giant tick for the next months to eat.



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