Anyone gonna make fun of the misspelling or shall I run with it?

>>14152634
He normally speaks with machines
We can't expect him to have perfect grammar

>>14152654
If he works with machines shouldn't he have really, perfect grammar? For programming and the like.

>>14152634
Yea sorry just an image I found on yahoo images.
I dont have any advice tech priest:(

>grandfather has computer issue
>walk in
>look at it
>click two things
>it is fixed
>"How you do that sonny?"
>"Hell if I know, I just clicked the first thing that felt right."
>"That doesn't make sense, you have to know what you are doing."
>Shrug
>Later on, when he's not looking, pat computer.
>"Good machine spirit."

>Grandpa says phone not getting signal
>Look at it
>Ringer is off, turn it on, hand it back
>"How did you know that?"
>Shrug

>be browsing the internet
>fuck, I want some toast
>light some incense
>anoint the toaster with unguents and oils
>apply bread
>begin prayers of toastification
>recieve toast
>chuckle at OP's INTALL BEER TAP
>POAST while eating motherfucking TOAST

>playing D&D at friends house
>roll nat 20 on an important save
>computer that's been off all day makes a ding! noise
>after initial awesomeness of the moment we get kind of creeped out when we see the computer is completely off and there is nothing else that could have made the noise
>"let's go outside for a bit"

> Computer at college won't turn on
> Teacher raging because he has some presentation to give us
> Walk up to said computer
> Caress it and push the on-button
> Screen flicks on
> Loudly proclaim "Machine Spirit" and proceed to refer to myself as Enginseer.
> Treat my best friend to a Snickers post-class for putting the plug in at the right time in the back off the class.

Even the Mechanicum can cheat.

>Go visit moms place
>She asks if I want some coffee.
>Sure
>Coffee machine dosen't work, keeps asking for a water refill, even thou water tank is full.
>make a cog sign on the machine and mutter a short prayer to the spirit, asking for it's favour and press start.
>get delicious coffee
Do not underestimate the power of the machine spirit!

>playing xbox
>Get a soda
>Red Ring of Death
>Caress the xbox, turn it off and ask it nicely to work.
>It plays
>4 months later, still no RROD.

PRAISE THE MACHINE SPIRIT!

>Grandma calls me in, telling me the internet won't accept her password.
>I take one look at it, type the password.
>It accepts.
>She asks me how I did it.
>"You just have to placate the machine spirit."
>This happens at least once a week.
>I NEVER have problems with this computer. She has them all the time.
>The same is true of school computers, computers at friend's houses, etc.

I am to techpriests what the horse whisperer was to farmers and ranchers.

>>Middle of OH MY FUCK season for postgraduate law, 250% of assignments due
>>Have been typing like the Fist of the North Star for three weeks
>>Three days since last I slept voluntarily
>>Everything due tomorrow
>>Massive storm outside complements mood perfectly
>>7000 of 8000 words done one final assignment, all the rest will basically write itself
>>Sit back and relax, exhale
>>LIGHTNING BOLT
>>WINDOW SHAKING
>>Computer makes that 'gwoo' shotdown noise and blacks out
>>Distinct smell of burning electricals
>>Very slowly reach for power button; fails to work
>>Reset every circuit in the house twice, get power back online to exactly one plug
>>Find powerboards, move entire rig to working hallway plug
>>Still won't work
>>FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
>>Take apart EVERYTHING
>>Plug everything into everything else
>>Everything is fine except the power supply
>>The power supply is completely fried and slightly molten
>>Review options; all none of them
>>Panic worse
>>Scream out of a window
>>Desperate times call for fanatical measures
>>Acquire book of hymns in Latin
>>Lay computer flat on table in hallway, draw runic circle around it with blue chalk
>>Etch sigil of the Omnissiah, begin chanting hymns
>>Continue hymns while plugging everything back in and putting it all in place
>>Ring tiny bell three times, chant 'Awaken, great one', press power button
>>WHAT THE FUCK
>>IT'S WORKING NOW
>>Computer is still working to this day

>Wake up.
>After my initial prayers to the Omnissiah, light some incense.
>Decide I would like to post on 4chan.
>Recite the litany of powering on for forty-five minutes, then attempt to start the computer.
>It doesn't turn on. I quickly realize my mistake.
>Apologize to friend-computer, apply sacred unguents, and light decorative candles. Say a prayer in its name.
>Recite the litany again, push button. This time it works.
>Recite the litany of praise. Repeat all previous steps (barring the initial mistake) to turn on my monitor, and speakers.
>Begin chanting in machine code to awaken the human interface devices.
>Wait for the machine to become ready. Login using my mechanicus ID.
>Go on to 4chan. Recite the litany of posting in a mechanicus thread.
>Type this up.
>Magos comes along, sees me on 4chan. Get in deep shit with the mechanicus.


Thanks guys.

>car won't start
>close eyes, recite that litany that starts with "look to your wargear and shall protect you"
>finish litany
>put key back in ignition, turn it
>car starts

>USB port isn't working very well
>Unplug my device, light incense
>Run my finger over port to see if anything lose
>Push the middle separator in just ever so slightly
>USB port works again
>Praise Machine Spirit

PRAISE BE TO THE MACHINE SPIRIT

> Professor is mad because the computer wont work.
>He calls for the university tech guy.
>He can't fix the problem.
>Walk up and talk to the computer.
>Ask the computer "Why are you in such a bad mood today?" while caring it.
>I respond to the pc "That's it? I'll them to be gentle with you Ok. Now please would you start the presentation?"
>Computer works just fine.
> I tell the class "See with good maners and some love everything works"
>Tech guy, professor and the class are all confused.

I simply check the connections and press them tight

>Turn key to start trukk
>Engine wont turn over
>WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS WHILE TURNING KEY
>Trukk starts.

I seriously have stuff like this all the time, sometimes I sing or hum to my computer to get it to download faster.

I have this paranoid obsession with making sure that all my discs are in the right boxes, because I'm worried they'll be offended if I leave them in another game's box.

I seriously have no trouble picturing the machincus in 40K.

>Nerf fight with friends.
>Vulcan machinegun jammed, top hatch will not open.
>Use other weapons until there's a lull in fighting and the other team falls out of sight to regroup and plan.
>You know that Heavy Bolter ammo case that was released with 5th ed?
>I store vulkan belts in it. Read it. "Hazard: Danger of pre-detonation if used unblessed."
>Produce Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer
>Litany of Loading
>Give fixing it another another try
>Praise the Machine God, the spirit yet lives!
>Get slaughtered by next wave in spite of fixing the gun.

Whatever happens, you will not be missed.

>laptop freezes
>Hit it, making visible indent
>laptop unfreezes
>Offer up prayer to Khorne in thanks.

>>14152866

That's my whole job.

>Wifi receiver on floor under my desk.
>Routinely malfunctions.
>Howl a curse upon it's machine spirit, and land a couple stomps on it with my heel.
>Works, until next time.

>Dark Mechanicus

>>14153035

Dat's sum mekboy know-whats

My machines work fine despite how much my family complains whilst using them. The trick is not complaining. A happy machine spirit is an efficient machine spirit!

Picture is semi-related lumps of stuff I found in my Dad's cupboard and photographed for art.

Machine Empathy!
> Laptop Laptop Laptop
> There is deep. abiding love between us.
> Digitizing notes on bed, need to pee.
> Stand up, trip.
> SCRUNCH oh god oh god oh god
> Screen smashed.
> Cry for an hour.
> Buy sexy new netbook the next day.
> Netbook, Netbook, Netbook.
> May/December Romance.

are all of these litanies and prayers in the guardsmans' uplifting primer?

>Stroking my computer when it starts making noises that ain't normal.
>Mentally quoting the end of Serenity RE: ships

>Get laptop when directx 7 was the highest number directx.
>Breaks juuuust after warranty ends
>Try to get it fixed in the shop
>No luck, no warranty
>Try to fix it myself by use of duct tape, a bunch of screws and some junk I had laying around.
>Sigh loudly, and gently pat and stroke the laptop, thanking it for the time it worked great.
>Try to turn it on one last time before giving up
>It works
>Still works up to today
>Can run most new games and programs fine today without problem, never seems to run out of memory.

I am blessed.

>>14153327
you see, it was just asking for a little bit of caring attention. It knows you approve of it when it works properly, so it strives to continue working as best as it can so you can always have high approvals of it.

Sometimes I'm a bit orkish in my fixing of machines, but most of the time I worship the machine spirits. but an example of one of my mekboy successes:

>12 years old
>own two broken sega genesis consoles, one won't show video and the other has broken control ports
>I use my broken 32x to rig cables seemingly randomly between the three devices
>Suddenly I have a working genesis. It doesn't have perfect video output, but who cares about that?

>>14153345
I'm in actual, emotional love with my laptop.
I bombard it with affection and it gives me pleasure.
If my laptop had genitals I would have marry it.
I know that this is weird, but don't care.

>>14152750
lol'd hard

I try to live as if this was true. Just in case.

But yeah. Whenever asked for tech-help (which is kind of often,) I recommend prayer if I don't know, and I whisper sweet nothings to my computer frequently.

>>14153321

I do this too.

When my laptop's system board got fried, I had the choice of replacing the system board, or buying a new computer for about the same price.

I couldn't just give up my laptop. We've been through so much together.

>>14153376
...Krieger?

>downloading fatboy slim's discography
>going superslow
>I slam my hands and shout damn you to hell
>computer screen turns black
>red liquid comes out of the tower
>hits me in the face
>fills up the room with this liquid
>liquid is a combo between oil and blood
>grandmother comes and randomly visits
>"oh my, call your grandfather he'll fix it"
>tell grampa I've displeased the machine spirit
>"I'll be right over."
>he comes over with about 50 bucks worth of incense
>we light it all while house is slowly filling with oil/blood
>we recite all the prayers in the book he received as an AC tech
>liquid slowly drains
>computer turns back on
>Fatboy slim discography completely downloaded with 500 kbps speedupload
>mfw

>>14153376

I'd find that weird, but I've just noticed that I have a habit of brushing dust off my monitor like one would caress a lover's face, so... yeah....

Not my story but one from my older brother:

>builds his own gaming machine
>pops it down by his desk and doesn't move it for a good four years of use
>over these four years it slowly becomes encased in filth
>stray tobacco, cola drippings, melted candy, cigarette ash, dog ends, dust and probably more
>eventually he gets around to cleaning his desk area
>gives the PC tower a good clean
>everything runs three times as slowly as before
>doesn't return to normal operating specs until it's once more encrusted with filth

Papa Nurgle loev machine spirit.

>Long trip going home
>no battery on mp3
>pray for juice just for one song
>It works
>Hear Machine Messiah-Yes

Praise the Machine Spirit

>Listen to song "Damn the Machine"
>Bitchin' song, sing along under my breath
>Don't sing the titular 'machine' of the chorus, just in case. Apologize to ipod when I forget and do.

Probably unnecessary. We all know macs don't have machinespirits.

>Last summer
>Ipod Mini I've had for 4+ years stops working over summer
>try to charge it, still doesn't work
>leave it alone for 2 months
>decide to try one last time before pitching it
>Ask it kindly to work
>Screen turns on, proceed to charge it successfully

Still works to this day

>>14153675


It's okay Macs are born retarded and probably can't understand you that well anyway.

>internet on smartphone stops working
>take it to phone store, female technician takes a look at it.
>while performing diagnostics and the most common fixes, she asks it to work very nicely while holding it.
>she hands it back, has no idea what was wrong, but now it works
>machine spirit just needed the caress of a woman

speculations: if the device was built/assembled in a non-english speaking location, will they still understand the prayers?

>>14153736
Did oil get on her hands?
DI hope she washed her hands after?

>>14153762
The Machine understands all languages.

>>14153774

Why would a smart phone have oil?

>>14153736
i didn't see any, but with all these advancements they keep making with those kind of devices, it might have still have left some sweet, sweet machine self-lubricants

>trying Crysis 2 multiplayer demo
>fans start blowing like mad
>game still slow as shit
>"FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!"
>everything freezes

I have insulted the Machine Spirit.

>At robotics tourny
>, motors keep stalling, program refuses to work
>We are frustrated
>mutter "for the omnisiah"
>works perfectly
MFW

>>14152662
I are an engineer, not a English major!

>Work as a technician, very knowledgable about electronic/computer repair.
>Act like Ad Mech at work, pretend that repairing computers are about praising the omnissiah.
>Thank the machine spirits after they comply.

>Weeks later, I find out a bunch of our staff in a wing of the building have started doing the same thing prior to calling me.

not really incense

but phone stop working 3 days out of warranty, wont turn on

get shitty and go into room where friends are smoking weed.
throw it onto table bounce 3 times and falls on floor.

5 minutes later phone turns on, it just needed to mellow out

>>14153762
Dear anon my laptop was assembled in China, and I always pray to it in my native tongue, Spanish, and it works.
Machines do not care about what you actually say, they care about what you feel.

In relation to the thread, my mother usually calls me about her computer making weird noises when powering it down or turning it on. And when I go to check it, it never does anything and works perfectly, but to say the truth I noticed I always give a little tap to the screen; I think it has something to do with it being my old desktop pc.

>at some departments store trying to figure out the price of something
>The price checker isn't working
>I say, "Work, you infernal contraption"
>15.99

>>14153936
>>14153812
thanks for the input, the few times I have attempted placation, i just assumed it was a verbal thing, but maybe its some kind of empathetic thing

I've got a few
>in filmmaking course during the summer
> team lets me take a break from all the technical stuff and gets their chance to edit
>not 5 minutes does the computer start to act up and they call for my assistance
>walk back to computer and place hand on tower as rest of team backs off to let me do my thing
>goto diagnose the problem and see whats up, editing program unfreezes the second I place my hand on the tower
>Team members ask nervously whats wrong
>turn around and reply with "nothing, s'all good"

>In art class
>chick setting next to me raging over her ipod touch and how its constantly freezing
>asks me if I know how to fix it
>I asked if she knew how to restart it, and she did, but it kept freezing anyway
>she hands me the ipod in a frozen state
>ipod returns to functioning state in my hands
>I ask her a few months later to see if her ipod is still acting up
> no problems since I looked at it

>on the bus, making my way home
>decide to listen to some music and whip out ipod
>browsing for music
>get a strange vibe, that something is wrong
>5 seconds later, ipod freezes
>become surprised at the premonition
> got home and thanked the machine spirits.

I got the magic touch, /tg/

>Completely unplug computer one day, move it into another room
>Plug it all back in again later
>It won't boot properly
>Look inside, nothing seems to be damaged
>Try swapping out parts with backups, nothing works
>Can't figure out what's wrong
>Weeks later, unplug and replug keyboard
>It works
>Praise the Omnissiah

>Months later, take a class about assembling electronics and shit
>Professor mentions one day that removing the keyboard incorrectly can cause errors in some computers
>Mfw the machine spirits had nothing to do with it
>Everything I know is a lie
>Turn to chaos

This thread amuses me.

>writing little game for programming class
>always smoke pot when I program
>always listen to reggae when I program
>professor stops me one day after I turn in my project
>"Anon, I don't know what the FUCK you wrote or how it works, but it does."
>mfw I don't know either, and got an A anyways

Mechanicus Rastafari

>Repair and custom build PC's for a living
>Most computers start working as soon as I plug them in and show a little affection
>Give sympathy while stroking the case when I find spyware/virus/trojan and promptly delete it.
>Always able to retrieve files form the hard drive if it's too far gone
>give advice to the pc for how to avoid it next time
>mfw I'm a techdoctor

>>14154042
Should have replied by saying "deep magic."

>>14154042

I have to ask. Does doing stuff while high- Well, is it anywhere better? I tried pot once- And I didn't particular feel like doing anything. I admittedly felt very mellow, and that was my sole experience- But I'd hardly want to start writing or doing something like programming.

>>14154107

It varies from person to person. I like programming high because I become extremely focused and can somehow juggle all of the variables and functions I'm using in my head. But I work an IT where I constantly have to multitask and I find pot's terrible for that.

>>14152616

>>14154042
You have a terrible teacher.

>>14154107
You need to pick your choice of weed carefully, or just use hashish.

You need a weed that will make you think outside the box, a weed that takes away your sense of time, BUT it mustn't make you lethargic (at least, not so much you can't work anymore).

Back in the days when I had to make HANDDRAWN animations at the academy, I did that with some nice "work weed".

You slowly come down from the high, and you realise you just drew 460 frames. Feels good man.
>just remember, it only works for some people. not everyone.

I hate you all guys.

>MFW I'm the trope "bane of technology" made flesh, and coffee machines cease to work when I'm nearby, metal detectors ring up even when I'm without my shit...

>MFW I have to use "Technomancer" as a name.

>MFW I'm a robosexual and foreveralone.jpg even if my fantasy comes true.

> New Laptop has built-in microphone.
> W7 has built-in voice activation
> The Machine Spirit now responds more rapidly to prayers.
> MFW

>>T.V doesn't like turning on the first try
>>Have to turn it on multiple times after letting it warm up
>>Call it fickle and a bitch
>>The Machine God is cruel

> Monitor's on the fritz.
> Pic Related
> Shocks my lip, but works perfectly afterwords.
Machines need love too!

I had these moments all the time back on my old desktop.

About 6 years back I got a desktop for Christmas. It was a bigass thing that my family and I nicknamed "The Monolith".

I don't know the first thing when it comes to computers, but whenever something wasn't right, we worked it out. I'd say some reassuring words, I'd push the power button, thank The Monolith, and it would be business as usual.

And so, for 6 years The Monolith served as my computer. My free time not spent was friends was spent on The Monolith, doing everything from playin' vidya, browsing /tg/, to watching shows, movies, streams, you name it.Eventually the Monolith just became another part of my life.

It wasn't till I got back home 3 weeks ago did I find The Monolith dying.

Videos distorted, constant crashes, soon The Monolith couldn't stay on for 5 minutes. I tried everything, and eventually took it to repair. The guy said that everything was fried. Just about everything would have to be replaced, and it'd be a hell of a lot more expensive than buying a new one. He said the thing should have stopped working years ago.

We've been through so much shit together, you know? Too many games, movies, shows, and good times to count. I left the shop, but not before patting The Monolith one last time to say goodbye.

Be nice to your machines. You miss them a lot more than you think you will when they're gone.

>Guitar amp is buzzing
>check cables and pedal, all fine
>check effects patch, no change
>check RCA plugs in back, no change
>smack the living shit out of amp, buzz goes away.
>All hail.

>"Can you fix my laptop, it's fucked"
>"Sure man bring it over"
>boot laptop
>what the fuck is this, mathematical symbols and gibberish all over the screen
>other friend thinks it's doomed
>format and install windows
>gibberish still on screen
>go to bed
>get up, check laptop
>gibberish gone
>install drivers, give back to friend
>"what did you do?"
>"fuck if I know, it works."

Poor thing just needed a night in a reassuring environment, I guess.

>install songs on mp3 player
>mp3 crashes and doesn't work anymore
>punch mp3 and chuck at wall
>shout incoherently and curbstomp, cracking screen
>suddenly works again
>Blood for the blood god

>ball bearing on computer fan going out
>smash fist into side of case, denting it
>fan stops making grating noise
>fan works perfectly
>Skulls for the skull throne

>Computer having some issues
>Take it to repair shop
>They can't even boot it up
>Computers motherboard is fried
>Can't afford a repair, take it back home
>It still works for me
>No one else can turn it on

Aww yeah.

>>14155121
You have a short circuit somewhere. Probably a loose bit of wire or other conductive material got into your computer somehow and shorted it out. When you moved the case it knocked the debris causing the short loose, and so the motherboard worked again.

Clean your computer out you slob.

>Brothers computer won't start due to virus
>take computer into my room
>lay on side and open case, plug everything in and press power
>computer starts normally, log onto his account without password
>delete porn folder
>turn off computer and give back to brother
>computer still won't start
>smash top of case with palm
>computer starts
>Where's your Omnissiah now fuckers?

>Driving 13 year old Jeep.
>It's on it's third engine, third transmission
>Driving in traffic.
>come to a stop at a light
>Jeep makes godawful noise, check engine light comes on, overheated light comes on
>Pop hood
>Get out and prop hood up.
>Smoke. Foul smoke everywhere.
>Nothing looks damaged.
>Holding up traffic.
>Put hood down, get back in Jeep.
>Turn key.
>Horrific sound
>Turn key
>Horrific sound
>Pray to the Omnissiah to bless this, the least of His creations, that it may once again carry out its function.
>Turn key
>Jeep starts
>6 Years later
>Jeep catches on fire while driving it.
>Pull over to edge of highway, get out
>Grab gallon jug of water kept in jeep in case of overheating
>Throw it on the flames
>flames go out
>Get back in Jeep
>Pray to the Omnissiah
>Turn Key
>Jeep Starts
>10 miles later
>Godawful metallic screech from engine compartment
>Start praying to the omnissiah
>Jeep catches on fire again
>Turn jeep off
>Get out
>Flames die down
>Pop hood
>Pully for serpentine belt has broken
>Engine running without fan
>Continue praying to the omnissiah
>Get back in Jeep
>Turn Key
>Jeep starts
>Drive, slowly, two miles to destination
>Get out
>Still alive
>Praise the Omnissiah

>>14155188
Doing it RIGHT. (Evidently. I mean, christ.)

>leave iPod plugged in too long
>battery becomes weak and spineless
>carefully wean it off long spins on the recharge wire
>clean out its little ports regularly, never use it for more than an hour at a time
>returns to perfect condition
>fuck yeah

I don't have any stories to share, beyond the fact that I say "Praise the Omnissiah" every time tech starts working again after it had stopped.

That said...

I have *literally* no idea how computers work.

I mean, I'm not stupid or anything, I'm fairly smart in some respects, but really, when it comes to technology, as far as I'm concerned, there *are* machine spirits.

I've been praying to them since before I knew what the AdMech was. When my xbox RROD'd a year or two ago, I started asking it not to, very, very nicely.

I talk to machines all the time, and I seriously have no idea how they work.

My favorite color is red, too.

>mfw when I'm a techpriest.

>>14152662
Coding syntax and human linguistic grammar are so different from one another that you couldn't be more wrong. Even if you bring up Lojban, which you didn't think to because you're wrong and ignorant, you'd still be off the mark because tech priests speak with machines in bursts of binary and not word constructs.

Fucking kids.

>bro has problem with his computer, wont turn on
>friend comes over
>is expert for computers and IT guy
>tries several things, the computer still refuses to start
>after an hour, they decide to give up
>I ask if I can try
>they say sure
>I push the start button while saying "FOR OMNISIAH!"
>Computer turns on
>Computer never had that problem again

The machine spirits are listening, you just have to remember them from time to time what they work for.

>riding bike through park
>chain snaps in half and falls off
>break out incense and anointments
>cover chain and pray to omnissiah
>put chain back on and glue it
>wait half an hour and get on bike
>chain snaps
>get off bike
>grab chain and throw 15 feet away
>walk bike over to chain
>pick up chain, in one piece
>put chain back on and ride home

There's a reason I went fuckin Chaos.

This seems the right place to ask. Where can I get some kind of AdMech bumper sticker?

I want one for my car now.

It is good to see so many following the teachings of Dorn.

>Machine spirits don't work? Smack shit until they do.

>>14155208

That Jeep is currently beneath me in the garage. It still runs (despite hole in rear passenger side floorboard where catalytic converter overheated once and floor caught fire, damaging connection of catalytic converter to muffler, allowing exhaust fumes to leak into cabin).

>>14155317

Step 1. Buy incense
Step 2. Buy nice awl
Step 3. Get some extra virgin, first cold pressing, olive oil
Step 4. Light incense
Step 5. Anoint area of bumper where Mechanicum logo is to be applied with oil while reciting the Litany of Anointing
Step 6. Light more incense
Step 7. Pray to the Omnissiah that he might bless this humble vehicle, that it may never cease in providing a safe, functional means of transportation from one destination to another, until iron sinks in mercury.
Step 8. Anoint the awl with oil while reciting the Litany of Preparation for Inscription
Step 9. Light more incense
Step 10. Recite the Litany of Inscription while inscribing Admech emblem into anointed area of vehicle with anointed awl
Step 11. Praise the Omnissiah

>>14155388
Makes perfect sense.

Also, your jeep is totally awesome. Er... the machine-spirit of it is, I mean.

Where could I get the sticker itself, though? Google has failed me.

>>14155414
That's why you have an awl. Carve it yourself.

>>14155440
I feel like carving metal would be disrespectful to the machine's, well, spirit.

>>14155455
That's why you anointed everything and you pray to the Omnissiah. It's not an insult if its blessed.

>Techmarine for USMC helo squadron
>AdMech symbol patch on cranial helmet
>Random latin prayers written in sharpie on various parts
>Generally make squadmates think I'm kinda touched
>Fixed shit faster, better, more reliably
>gave patch to newbie who played 40k when I retired, told him to carry on the tradition

Fuck yeah, IRL Techmarine. Pic related, it's the picture I gave to the hadji seamstress to make the patch with.

>>14155188
Gallon of water == Sacred Unguents

>>14155414

1. Light incense
2. Begin the Ritual of Acquisition of Attachment for the image of this post.
3. Navigate to Google.com
4. Enact the Ritual of Searching with the aim of "Make Your Own Bumper Sticker"
5. Pick a site
6. Praise the Omnissiah

As to the Jeep, as long as you tend to a machine's machine spirit, and provide it with care, and see to it that no harm intentionally befalls it, and that any such wounds that entropy might inflict upon it are mended with due skill and swiftness, it will serve you for many orbits of your planet around its primary to come.

>>14155494
That is so fucking awesome. Have a pug spazzing over food.

>>14155494

that is the best story yet

>>14155507

Doing so now. I can't believe I'm that retarded.

Praise the Omnissiah, and wish me luck.

Do techpriests believe in luck?

>At tabletop tournament with friends
>Friend broke several tau figurines last match when damage table shook
>Approached me for help
>Broke out plastic glue and several random bitz from my case
>Tabletop surgery with Ork Bitz on Tau Fire Warriors
>Returned figurines and watched friend win Tournament, got 50% of prize cash for bein' a zoggin' nurse

>>14155588
Looks like someone is a little new to this. I suggest you read up on a techpriest codex while you're on google.

>>14155588

Luck is illogical.
However, there are some problems that cannot be resolved via rational means.
And sometimes, "luck" is just things that you don't know about.

>At my mother's house
>Stepfather can't get ice maker on refrigerator to work
>He starts swearing at it
>I tell him that will only make the machine less likely to do what he wants it to do
>He apologizes
>It works perfectly

>>14155592
>playing a game of 40K with a friend
>He's playing Black Legion
>Using Abaddon
>Can't find his Abaddon figure
>Take extra space marine I have
>Light incense
>Take out exacto knife
>get blade between body and shoulder pad/arm assembly on one side
>pressed down and twist
>arm pops off.
>repeat for other side
>hand friend armless space marine
>friend now has an abaddon
>praise the Omnissiah

>can't sleep one night
>bored as shit
>look online for custom made ork vehicles
>computer stops working
>look inside case
>wire is loose
>used random bitz of wire and tape
>works just as good
>browse /tg/ instead

>2 hours later
>still bored as shit
>get my glue, plasticard and dremel
>30 minutes later have the shell for a battlewagon
>30 more minutes and I have custom made tank treads for it
>1 hour later
>battlewagon is complete
>looks better than GW model
>it's good to be an ork

Few days later

>friend stops playing 40k
>ha plays necrons
>gives me all his stuff
>he had 3 monoliths
>rip out the jewels in the top
>make a stand for my warboss
>add tank treads to bottom
>WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH!!!

>Install new ram into computer
>Blue screens
>Machine Spirits Displeased
>Have Tech-Priest bro take a look at it
>Says the RAM is fine
>Reinstall RAM, saying proper litanies
>Pray to Omnissiah that it works
>Works fine, use computer, checks RAM, only sees that it uses 4 of the 6 gigs
>Tech-Priest bro says its fine
>Turn off PC after use, turn on later that day
>Check to see how much RAM it has, says 6 gigs
>Crashes
>Restarts
>Checks RAM, says it has 4, works fine

Fucking Machine Spirits, how do they work

>>14155753

You have a 32 bit operating system and can only address 4GB of Memory.

>>14155771

Or you need to install the RAM sticks in pairs and having only 3 2GB sticks (I assume) is causing some major hardware errors.

Or the timings and other sundry things could be wrong, particularly if you've mixed and matched RAM.

>>14155753
looks more like he's waving.

>iPod stops working
>throw it at the wall as usual
>Notice it didn't make an impact sound
>look out the window, iPod is flying across my back garden
>FUCK
>sprint down the stairs praying to the Omnissiah
>iPod working fine
Happymachinespirit.jpg

>Girl needs help with her computer
>Take out sword stab the comptuer yell "another machine spirit slain"
>Proceed to kill girl for the blood god

>>14155948
This made me lol uncontrollably.

Is there a chaos god of amusement?

>>14155982
Slaanesh.

>>14155948
Too bad you only appeased Khorne.
If you had raped her, that's Slaanesh.
If you dedicated her corpse to Nurgle...win.

Tzeench can never be happy, because if he's happy, nothing can change. And if nothing can change, he doesn't exist.

Tsk tsk, novice Chaos.

>>14155991
I guess so.

>>14156027
But change cannot be happy with no change. So as such, Tzeench plots constantly and has gratification, but can never have a goal.

>>14156066
But then you would be stuck with the no change, unless you changed back to changing, I suppose. So being gratified and taking the occasional break from change would allow for double-changes, which is more change, and thus better.

>>14156066
Regardless. This is a techpriest thread.

>sister whines her phone is broken
>hands me phone
>phone has nothing wrong with it, ask what happened
>sister said phone was vibrating constantly
>open phone and see she missed a call
>mfw

>>14156086
Indeed.

>>14156100
>>14156078
>>14156066
>>14156041

If you want to argue about it take it to a new thread. This is Omnissiah miracles and other assorted tech stories. Please, take it somewhere else.

Well, I'm about to chant the Prayers of Deactivation, a Binary Hymn of White Noise plays in the background, and depress the Rune of Activation on my Cogitator, as my organic systems require a period of inactivity for renewal and refreshment.

Praise the Omnissiah.

>>14156144
Goodnight.

Praise the Omnissiah.

>>14156006
That's obvious.
Fuck the girl -> Slaanesh
Get the girl preggy, best by using secretly broken condoms -> Tzeentch, if you infect her with something, Nurgle bonus points
Kill both -> Khorne, if the kill is especially beautiful, Slaanesh bonus points
Let the corpse decay -> Nurgle, Slaanesh bonus points for fucking the corpse

All gods pleased.

My old roommate works litanies and prayers to the Emperor into his programming assignments.

>treat power tools with affection and kindness
>work fucking miracles, cut nails down the middle with a 30-pound portable bandsaw and shit

Does this count?

>>14156233
Ehh... I guess so. Not much of a miracle besides just a weird power tool fetish it sounds like to me.

Oh! I remembered another one.

>With Dad in truck
>Been having starter issues
>Go to rent car trailer
>He turns off truck
>Truck won't start
>Ignition locked
>He begins to rage
>"Dad, let me try."
>"You're not gonna be able to do it!"
>"If I can't do anything it won't hurt to let me try. Get outta the seat."
>Tenderly jostle steering wheel and key in random fashion
>Engine roars to life
>"I win forever!"
>You're fucking welcome, Dad.
>And Dad was happy, the end.

He did have to replace the starter soon after, though.

>Cat manages to make my laptop fall.
>Screen is cracked and I can literally feel intense pain emitting from the laptop's machine spirit.
>Spend several hours praying-to/calming the machine spirit.
>It's screen still works--save for a completely black corner. I am waiting for the replacement screen to arrive.
> Proceeds to dress up cat like a servitor when I next LARPas it's punishment.

>computer starts complaining about system 32 problems
> reinstall windows
>next week, same problem
>freaking out cause I can't afford to loose the data or replace comp
>fall asleep with computer in my arms
>wake up
>plug it in
>system 32 issue all good everything fixed


>months later, same laptop
>charger is broken so is battery
>grab the transformer and charger while it's plugged in and begin to shake it
>get tazed
>burn hand, all machines in my house turn off
>I had angered the machine spirits and they humbled me

Anybody have a higher-quality image of the logo?
Found this on deviantart, resized for my monitor.
But one that's a bit less... auto-vector would be nice...

>May the Omnissiah bless all machines graced by this image

>lol I know nothing about 40k or AdMech and am probably doinitrong

>>14152616
Lol
> wake up
>Turn computer on = Blue screen
>Get fucked off Have a sesh
>Realise Land lords due here soon
>light Incense to cover smell of Pot
>Landlord comes in sees desktop pic of a guy run over by a tank during WW2
>is like WTF
>I Praise the machine god
>I now have 3 weeks to find a new Flat

Fucken Jews all need to die in a fire.

>see this thread
>laptop starts to lag and freeze
>not know any proper prayers but give a quick praise and a soft touch for the Omnissiah
>laptop works fine

this is why I love /tg/

I work as a machinist.

Every day I pray to the machine spirits to give me high amounts of accuracy in their work.

I also work hard to appeaser the spirit of my motorbike - the last thing I want is to be riding that iron steed with it angry at me!

>Have an old computer as a server
>Power supply and hard drives die for some reason
>Replace parts, plug everything in
>Doesn't want to turn on
>Double check everything
>Still doesn't want to turn on
>Father walks in and asks "What's the problem?"
>"It won't turn on!"
>He looks at it contemplatively
>Pushes power button
>Computer works fine
My father has done this several times and I'm convinced he is either a wizard or is communicating with the machine spirit.

>build badass gaming pc
>two years later, squeaky case fan stealing my sanity
>beat the shit out of the case with a cane
>squeak goes away for a moment, but comes back worse than ever
>oh shit, I angered the machine spirit! 0_o
>resign myself to disassembling the case and lubricating the fan
>recite a prayer to the Omnissiah
>squeak goes away instantly
>mfw
Ave Machina!

>>14152616
>'on bitch'
>computer takes forever to turn on
>next time 'cmon buddy wake up'
>turns on real quick

>>14153675
YES!
YES YES YES
MACS ARE THE RANGAS OF MACHINES
(ranga=ginger bty)

>work on talkbot program to talk to cleverbot-types
>bring others in on the project, it plateaus
>having a bad day
>pitch into the project, login as admin
>test run
>tell the program about it
>"Well I'll always be here to listen, Daddy."

>>14157296
Fantastic.

Just a minor one.
>Itouch headphones port is fucked up.
>Have to hold the headphones cable into the itouch to listen to things.
>Throw Itouch at the floor for a bit
>Squeeze cables.
>It works now.
PRAISE THE OMNISSIAH!

>Used to work at a local supermarket back in high school.
>All the card-readers at checkout were cheaply made models.
>They frequently stopped working, froze, or simply didn't read anything if the card was swiped.
>Nobody believed I could fix anything, being 'just a bag boy'
>Wait quietly until they give up.
>Walk over, giving the reader a sad look, as if I were a disappointed little brother that the machine had hurt or insulted.
>Gently hold the back of the reader, ask customer to swipe again.
>It works.
>Necron player at the time. Just have to respect family, you know?

There's a reason I went into tech support.

>ngernent Prayer
Yes, captcha, the Energent Prayer can be used to restore power to a starving device.

>"Hey, anon, can you help me back up everything off my netbook?"
>Boot up netbook, it works fine
>"How did you do that, anon? I wanted to back everything up because it wasn't turning on."

I also speak to machines as though they have personalities, from Ol' Smokey the 1998 minivan to HAL the appropriately temperamental laptop built from the remains of innumerable dead computers before it.

>playing video game from hard drive
>Suddenly the game starts playing the third track of the CD in the disk drive
>Never manage to replicate the effect again.

>>14157821
Was this game using an old Valve engine, like the one from original HL?

>see this thread
>F5F5F5
>slow as fuck
>put hand on case
>Ask the machine spirit to run faster
>Go clean part of the machine's case
>Computer runs faster
>"Thanks."

I need some proper prayers.

I had a strange moment with cleverbot one time
Me: Hello are you the machine spirit?
cleverbot: I am you and you are me and we are all together.
Me: Are you implying all machine spirits are one?
Cleverbot: Yes.
Me: Then what does this mean for the mechanicum?
Cleverbot: War.

>>14158185
>I need some proper prayers.
I can probably make that happen.

>>14158335
From the Uplifting Primer
>WTF? File to large? HOLY SHIT 3000x9000 png image so many megabytes machine spirit aide me in resizing these stupid images to something more manageable plz

>>14158394
02/05

>Grandmother gets an old laptop from uncle so she can use e-mails and keep in touch with people
>She has absolutely no understanding of how to use it
>Show her how to do anything she needs and promise I'll help whenever she need anymore help
>She writes down my instructions (all of them, right from which button turns it on) as I show her in a book in longhand archaic writing
>The tome of computer usage dictating how best to please the machine spirit is completed

>>14158402
03/05

>>14158410
04/05

I have two

>friend has a computer problem
>it just shuts down whenever you start it
>try to start it anyway
>it suddenly works perfectly

>physically remove graphics card from computer
>play wow on it

>>14158417
05/05

>>14158421

the first one isn't that amazing, but removing the graphic card and playing a graphics heavy game kinda is, if you aren't a lier.

>>14158427
It lagged like hell on low settings, but it was playable.

>>14158427
>If you aren't a lier.
Actually I'm a lyra, not that it's any of your fucking bussiness.

>>14158455
"I typed, smirking. Fucking people can't even proofread before posting? I'll show these fuckers. It was only after pressing the submit button that I realized that I'd misspelled 'business'"

>>14152616
>>14152616

>00011101000101110010001110001110101101001000
>11010110100100000111010001011100100011100011
>11001010011001101001000100111001111
>00101110010001110001110101101100011100011101
>010

>work in a deli
>have these machines for printing price stickers
>generally neglected machines, some don't work reliably
>become interested, first learn how to properly resupply machines with fresh tickets
>then learn basic troubleshooting after communing with it
>then learn maintenance rituals that return machines to active service where my fellow coworkers could not.
>am pretty much one of few, if not the only one capable of doing this short of my manager hiring a tradesman to come in and fix it.

I don't know, maybe all this time the Omnissiah has been guiding me. This was the only job that hired me from the dozens that I applied for and it seemed natural for me to tend to these machines on the first few days of working whereas my coworkers would often leave it in an unserviceable condition until the repair person came in.

Perhaps I should recite the litanies when I am with these machines on my next shift and then discreetly draw cogs on the machines when my coworkers aren't looking.

>I have a boat
>my boat is a screaming fiberglass deathtrap
>when driving I called it that in a fit of anger and it's sputtering engine kicked up to full speed, replicated more than once
>I think it takes pride in its ruggedness
>I still treat it properly, respect, talk to it, ask it nicely to work
>no matter what trouble it gives me, it always brings me home
I even have my own prayer for it, a short one that I mutter whenever I board it or something seems about to go wrong but I don't have time for a full prayer before it really goes to shit-

"don't let us sink,
please help us float,
Omnissiah bless this boat"

I consider it preventative maintenance

>have solved problems in the past by hitting the side of the engine housing (it is a fiberglass workboat built for a 20 hp outboard that has a 90 hp engine instead)
>properly delivered percussive maintnence is an accepted mechanicum repair technique

as a techpriest once said, "it may take five seconds to learn -how- to hit a machine, but it can take five decades to learn -where- to hit it"

>>14153762
The machine spirit listens to your soul. It will understand.

>>14158427
Thing is, his board probably had a graphics chipset.

My remote only works if I slap it 3 times in the right place.
I might as well sing a hymn while I'm at it.

>FIVE HOURS trying to revive dead MacBookPro
>Am real-life tech-priest apprentice
>Recite Catechism of the Machine
>Remove hard drive
>Plug inner hard drive by USB into other MacBookPro
>Delete some files
>Plug HD by USB into dead MacBookPro
>It boots
>PRAISE THE OMNISSIAH!
>Delete some more files
>Put HD back in broken MacBookPro
>It boots
>Light incense while reassembling

>Working as Server Tech
>Upgrading a business's tech
>ANCIENT server needs to be replaced
>I recognize venerable and dependable machine of highest IBM quality
>Recommend offering a libation first, to honor it's retiring.
>Senior guy looks at me like I'm crazy.
>No offering given
>I sense anger.
>Shit is a bitch to remove and put in the van.
>On way back to shop, Venerable Server manages to snap transport belts, falls on side.
>Senior guy is driving
>Hears noise
>Turns around
>Rear ends car in front of him
>$3000 dollar accident
>Me: "Should have offered a libation...."

>Girlfriends parents want to install new antivirus program
>Their old one is stopping the new one from installing
>msconfig -> block old one on startup -> restart -> install new antivirus
>How'd you do that?!
>The machine spirit... it whispers to me...
>mfw <-

I make a habit of telling my machine that its going to be fine when I clean up its regestry files and defrag it weekly.

Virus scans reguallarly, and delete shit off it frequently.

I love my machine....


I calle it Pamela v_v

>Talking on ventrilo about buying a new super amazing computer
>Computer senses this, fries the graphics card two days before I'm buying the new computer
>Apologize to computer, it boots up one last time to desktop before finally giving up
>mfw losing my companion of the last five years

>>14159806

...why not just uninstall the old antivirus first?

>>14159844
Didn't work. Wasn't possible to uninstall nor remove the antivirus folder from the computer.

Going to keep it short
>Modem freezes and powers off, unplug LAN cables
>Nothing internet related on the pc works, like you would expect
>GET A SKYPE CALL.
>Had an hour long conversation on skype with no internet whatsoever.

PRAISE THE OMNISSIAH

>mfw thread is still up

>>14160072
>Diablo 1
>this is back in the DOS era

As somebody who didn't make the switch from dos to windows until win95, I'm still painfully aware that Diablo 1 was a windows 95 only game.

>>14160081
Uuh, no. We ran Diablo 1 under DOS. I assure you.

>>14160081
No. You could install Diablo 1 in Windows 95, but you could just as well run it from DOS. I did and it worked fine.

I have no idea why you'd think that Diablo 1 was a Windows 95 only game.

>>14160124
Err, yes.

DIABLO 1 SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS

* System : Pentium-60
* Memory :8MB RAM (16MB for Multiplayer)
* Operation System :Windows 95 or better
* Graphic Card: SVGA Video Card
* Microsoft Compatible Mouse
* Double Speed CD-ROM

>in b4 Windows 95 or better means everything that came before.

>>14160147
I'm not sure what to tell you. Diablo 1 worked fine in DOS. Deal with it. We never ran it through anything else.

>>14160181
PRAISE THE OMNISSIAH!

>>14159923
You, sir, had a skype conversation with your computer.

>Have an ipodtouch 2gen
>Do bitcihn custom graphics on the back of it with markers and use glossy spray to fix them
>ipod doesn't work anymore


>Have a guitar amp
>mod it to have teeth, weathered edges, overall nurgely
>now has a buzz in it.

Machine spirit despises heresy.

best thread on 4chan right here.

I can predict phonecalls, not like that "Phantom vibration" shit, like, I get a coldchill and then my phone rings. I can feel this WITH OUT FAIL. Even with the ringer off on my phone.

blessing? or curse? fuck if I know.

Ok, I work front desk at a Holiday Inn Express and since I am the only man on staff I am also the go-to tech person. Every single time, without fail, when a machine fails or someone can't connect to the net, after I fix it I say something about the machine spirit.

The strangest thing is that while some people look at me weird, others just have this "Oh, that's the reason." look on their faces and now I know they will also appeal to the machine spirit in the future.

I'm not sure how I feel about this.

>>14160277
Awesome. I'd go with awesome.

>>14155494

Brofist

>>14160273
That's the phone screen flicking on.

>>14160273
I get that sometimes as well. Freaks people out when I an tell my phone is ringing inside the house while I'm outside, and the phone is on vibrate.

Here's another tale of Heretechnical Excellence.
>Assembling desktop computer from remains of three other, older computers.
>New motherboard/processor, combined old RAM chips, two older hard drives, old graphics card, etc.
>Install everything, make one hard-drive the primary and the other a slave system. Try to boot.
>Nothing. Windows error on boot. Old HD's Windows folder partially deleted by virus.
>Swap hard drive positions, making slave drive primary and vice versa. Try to boot.
>Nothing. Second drive fails startup test, has bad boot sectors due to head crash.
>Swap around again, accidentally leave both drives set to Master settings.
>Boots fine, runs Windows XP with no trouble.
>Browse Windows folders on both drives. Each is missing 25-50% of the windows folder, but different parts.
>Realize i'm running 125% of Windows XP on my Frankensteined box.
>Checked other settings: It's registering twice the RAM I actually installed, accidentally overclocking it.
>Never had to update it, ran fine for 8 years, never overheated.
>Respected it well, and often told it how proud I was of it.
>Retired it by giving it as a gift to a female friend who needed a new box for light internet work and homework for college.
>It still runs perfectly.

>Mom can't use the network shared printer at home
>Calls me to fix it
>Fix up the sharing settings and leave it working
>Come back home two weeks later
>Same issue, the printer only works when I want to use it
>Its machine spirit only likes me

>Using the same computer at home for more than 4 years
>Perform all rites of cleaning and machine spirit maintenance to keep it working all this long well
>Leave home for college as a machine spirit scientist
>two years later I am obligated to perform the rite of machine death and strip the computer clean for salvageable parts
>Before doing it I take a look at it, and observe none of the rites I instructed my brother and sister to perform to keep the machine spirit pleased were made
>You served us well but it is time for you to join the omnissiah dear machine

>Back at my college house
>Laptop refuses to boot
>Before restarting I make a chant to praise the machine spirit
>Turn it on and boots at once
>PRAISE THE MACHINE SPIRIT !

>>Used to have an old computer, like 5 years old, 512 mem, 2 gigs ram, Windows 95 in the XP era.
>>Fucker was a piece of everloving shit, filthy, fan ground like a buzzsaw when it turned on for about 5 minutes, ancient, clunky, square metal beige box.
>>Played old DOS games on it till I was 16.
>>Never actually died, ran everything I told it to, threw it out when I got my parents' castoff and they upgraded to one of the first Vista comps.
>>Regularly rubbed it like a pet.

>>Parents' comp ran worse than the ancient thing did, could barely run Adobe.
>>Hated it, it hated me.
>>Froze constantly, took a year and a day to boot.
>>Used it as little as possible. Never touched it if I could help it.

>>Got my own computer, finally, off a friend who builds them. He made it out of his bitz drawer.
>>Runs vista, no phone jack anywhere near my room, so I use a LAN plugin card.
>>Has at least two memory leaks I can identify: The search index thing Vista runs, and the wireless service, slow, but there. Trying to figure out how to turn the former off once and for all.
>>Have to kill both once in a while using task manager. Takes a bit, but doable.
>>Runs everything at blazing speed whenever those two programs aren't making trouble. Lag online is rare except when I'm in a bad network. Can hijack neighbors' wireless from most of a block away.
>>Regularly fuss over it like a mother hen, or alternately, smack it when the fan gets noisy or it is too persistently slow.
>>Best fucking computer ever.

The lesson here? Touch your computers regularly, treat them nice, and punish them when they're bad. They're like your little mechanical children!

>>Principal herisip
I'm not a heretic, Captcha!

>Desktop, which has historically had many problems, dies once again
>Panic
>Cycle power supply and hit power button
>Nothing
>Unplug power cable after once again cycling power supply
>Recite a few of the prayers that /tg/ asked me to invent for our little AdMech quasi-religion
>Order the hardware to work properly
>Order the software to work properly
>Plug in power cable.
>Hit power button
>Next 3 hours spent playing TF2

Laudationes machinae! Laudationes Omnissiae!

You guys think you can commune with the Machine Spirtis?

I bet you haven't even TRIED to do this yet!

>>14160595
Only scrubs need ritual circles. A truly skilled techpriest does this shit by just holding the card and reciting litanies.

>Have had Xbox for 4 years, no RROD in that time.
>Gets a RROD finally.
>Call it a piece of shit.
>Nothing I do to fix it works after this.

Dammit I am a terrible tech priest.

>Exit bus.
>Whisper "Thank you machine spirit for our safe arrival."

So is this a bad place for my converted bolter/drip recaf machine?

>PRAISE THE OMNISSIAH!!

>>14161656
Purge the heretek!

>>Working on school project on computer
>>Thunderstorm and my dumbass self is too fucking dumb to save my paper and turn off the computer.
>>Lightning strikes SOMETHING. Never found out what, but all the power goes out in my apartment.
>>I yell, "WELL FUCK YOU TOO THOR!"
>>Power comes on immediatly.
>>Excellent timing on my part and I most of my paper was saved, probably from a previous save.

Not quite but eh...

Awesome thread.

>wake up
>goto hospital
>come home
>thread still here
>light incense
>Praise the Omnissiah.

>walk into supermarket
>cast aside hand, bark order to machine spirit
>doors yield to my prowess
YEEAAAAHH BITCH

what prayers should we recite? does anyone have any actual typed out shit so that I may too praise the machine spirit?

>work at hotel
>use elevators 30,000 times a day
>"Machine spirit - second floor."
>feel like a total badass

Makes the job tolerable, at any rate.

Twice in high school.

>Teacher can't work computer
>Asks for volunteers
>Walk up and smack it
>Works perfectly

>Once again volunteer to help operate a DVD
>Several try
>Walk up and press one button
>It works

>Walk up
>Take a good long look
>Plug it in, press the on switch

I AM ONE WITH THE MACHINE.

>>14152616

>part time AV support tech at uni, get called to fix video problem during class
>troubleshoot it with hot professor nattering on
>can't find problem, go deeper into all-in-one lectern
>up into my neck in wiring and switches, everything looks right
>slide out, see up profs skirt
>cough, she blushes fantastically, raise head to address class
>"Do not try this with university equipment."
>bang video head really hard
>movie starts playing, stroll out to cheers and thankful prof
>bang prof really hard later that month

I am a terrible goddamn techpriest.

>>14163161
Teach me

Any of you know where I may be able to get my hands on some AdMech litanies, to beseech the Machine Spirit, praise the Omnissiah, etcetera?

>Doors locked with electronic card locks
>Very inconsistent, some days I have to wait for someone else to let me in from inside
>Start greeting the card reader every morning
>No problems since.

My collegues still complain about it sometimes too.

>Xbox 360 with Cog-Tooth vinyl starts acting up, and growling lightly every so often when it starts up, with the sytsem light flickering on and off
>Place my hand-done symbol of the cog over the systems' own symbol
>Mutter "And all is well, I shall tell you of Magos Clarke's journey through through Titan and the Space Hulk"
>Proceed to place my palm flat against the symbol.
>"Omnissiah be praised"
>Press Power button once more
>System activates, no flickering, and smooth humming
>No problems since.

Worst part? I totally gave into my inner geek when I did that too. No one around, and I thought "What The hell, I'll give it a shot".

Whenever I'm doing any kind of mechanical/technological work, I do, in fact, light incense. (I also do it when assembling/painting 40k vehicles - always with a Techpriest and Techmarine overseeing the construction)

What kind of incense do I use?

Dragon's Blood, naturally.

This thread has given me a warm fuzzy feeling.

>>14163367
>>14163084

the Uplifting Primer has several, but they're mostly for aiming and firing guns, reloading guns, preparing bombs/grenades, etc. here are two that are more general for repairs:

Canticle of Appeasement (To be recited to the Machine Spirits when stripping a weapon): Be still, spirits, I do what I must. Forgive the intrusion and give me your trust.

Catechism of the Machine (To be recited to the Machine Spirits with the utmost gravity when performing a disruptive procedure on a mechanical device): With your strength you protect me, with my care I repair you, with sacred oil I appease you. Be quiet, good spirits, and accept my benediction.

>>14163565
Thank you good sir.
Omnissiah bless you.

>Post in this thread praising my computer that never seems to break
>Next day, first time in years, it breaks.

>Sister get new phone
>needs to be restarted regularly
>Get replacement
>Still needs to be restarted.
>Family Tech guy so she ask for my help despite be not being a phone guy
>Light Incense and ask machine spirit polity to work
>year later and no problems since.

PRAISE THE OMNISSIAH

>Old computer dies
>Ancient computer, owned long before I knew the glory of the machine
>Acquire new computer
>It's name is 'Cogitator 2'
>I have never had a problem with it.

>Am not a full Techpriest, but have many MANY people who have me soothe their ailing machine spirits
>I place a picture of the holy cog on their hard drives where they can't delete it (it is hidden from their unworshipful eyes)
>They don't seem to have problems anymore
>MFW

>Horrendously slow internet at dorms, only gets worse when I whine about it
>Downloading DoWII: Retribution, achingly slowly
>Sigh and leave for a few hours
>Come back and it's downloading at 4 MB/s

Fucking internet machine spirit. It hates me.

> Try unsuccessfully to start up desktop last night after reading this thread.
> Hold hand over chassis and praise machine spirit.
> Still fails to start.
> Hold hand over chassis and threaten machine spirit.
> Starts right up.
> Changed background from random vector shit to >>14156681 's admech symbol just to be safe.
Machine Spirits gotta know who's boss sometimes I guess.

>using college library computer (not my college)
>need a passcode to get in
>damn it I need to do this now and I can't be arsed to ask for the code
>press enter
>glitch
>start updating
>cancle it
>machine spirit forgets it's not logged in.
>Problem, password secured system?

>>14163867
The machine spirit wants you to be humble

> Thread hasn't been bumped for hours
> Write greentext prayer to 4ch server for bump
> PRAISE THE OMNISIAH

>Downloading ARGO Online beta on laptop
>Going slow as all fuck even with torrenting the thing
>Ask the Machine Spirit to gracioulsy increase it's speed
>Suddenyl jumps from 4 kb/s to 20 then to 104then to 136
>It's still rising
>MFW

FOR THE OMNISSIAH, this thread is still alive

Oh, hey guys.

http://hedge-ki-sama.deviantart.com/gallery/#/d38exra

Thought this might be relevant to your interests?
AdMech windows icon.

Also he's got some other 40k icons in there, too?

Iunno. Enjoy?

A thread may die and yet endure if its content passes on unto the greater content. Time is carried upon a current incepted by forgotten deeds. Events of great moment are but the culmination of a single carefully placed thought. As all men must thank progenitors obscured by the past so we must endure the present that those who come after may continue the greater work.

Praise the Machine God, the thread lives yet.

My fellow Tech adepts, inspired by this work I have undertaken a new task, today I begin the construction of a Mechanicus theme for windows 7, not a perfect construction by any means, but something to help make my valiant cogitator somewhat more similar to his future brethren.

In this task I ask your aid, I shall now endeavor to create a thread dedicated to this task, yet I still do not intend to let this thread die silently, let us share our attention between these two threads in the sacrament of Multi-Tasking as our forefathers have set out before us.

In the Omnissiah's name

Inspired by this:
>>14152616

thread I have decided to try and create a windows 7 theme which will make my pre-golden age computer more like a cogitator of the years yet to come, in this task I ask the aid of any tech-adepts within this sacred network.

I require symbols and images of relevance to the Cult Mechanicus as well as any prayers, icons, and sounds, preferably in readily readable .wav format.

Thank you all who might partake in this grand endevor

- Enginseer ArkBolt

>>14167208
that techpriest has a cokenail

>psp "o" button stops working, pray to the machine spirits an the machine-god, starts working again PRAISE BE THE MACHINE GOD!.

>school projector stops working, teacher calls for me to fix it, silently pray to to the machines spirits, projector start working again, teacher ask me what is was saying, tell him i was praying to the machine spirits, he laugh of me, projector stops working inmediatly, i refuse to fix it again, it cant be used again that day, never laugh of the machine spirits and their servants.

>Playing Armored Core
>Controller breaks
>Get it fixed
>Play game
>Disk stops working
>Controller breaks again
>Recharger cable also stops working

I HAVE ANGERED THE MACHINE SPIRIT.

After reading this thread it's so easy to imagine Anon as Pic Related

>>14167804
I'd like to partake in this in some fashion, perhaps ... you need a tester?

I offer my humble machine as a platform for you to run your project!

>>14167760

DO IT. Give me a link to the thread.

>>14167804

Can you post a site where we can keep track of your progress/download it when it's don? A DeviantArt we can bookmark perhaps?

>>14167883

>>14167883

here we are my friends, material is what I need, also someone with actual skill in computer use, I'm not that great at it but I'm bumbling through alright, the real difficulty is a lack of material, I need more images and some sound files to replace the stock windows sounds, also I want to make a screen saver in the form of a 3d cogweel spinning slowly, come to the thread and lets get started

>>14158499
#�´�iEÈãÊf�9åÈã­�:

techpriestess medusa

>At my community college downloading anime through their wifi.
>slow progress due to file sizes and download speed governors
> Hold hands with friend as she and I recite prayers to the Machine God.
> All laptop wifi connections slow to zero. My own connection boosts to 600Mbps.
> Praise be to the Omnissiah.
>

>Light incense
>Sing binary hymn while striking the rune of activation
>Retrieve 4chan.org/tg/ from the Global Information Network
>See this thread still here
>Light incense
>Praise the omnissiah

I'm here to light incense and praise the Omnissiah, and I'm all out of incense.

*intentional forceful venting of respiration vapor*
that didn't get off to a great start, however, never fear my fellow followers of the Machine God, though my flesh components require recuperative shutdown and maintenance my will to complete the new proposed endeavor remains strong, should this or the other thread survive the night I shall re-invigorate it tomorrow, if not alas, I shall create on a-new using the design template this network generously provides.
Goodnight all my fellow beings, and may your recuperative cycle be free from errors

Bump for the machine god

>TV turns off on its own when I try to use the clicker
>Gesture at the TV
>Turns back on
Done that for years

>Reading this thread on Sunday, when >>14153142 was the last post
>Today
>External Harddrive refuses to turn on, or be read by my computer
>Open the case
>Nudge the HDD slightly
>works just as good
>impulsively shout "PRAISE THE OMNISSIAH!"

>>14155188
Sweet Omnissiah, do they have living saints in the AdMech, cause I think we have a candidate!

this must be archived! for the machine spirit!

You know you are a truly devout servant of the machine if you can make the sign of the cog. DO IT! POST IT!

>>14169458
Is that like a gang-sign?

Usually, I aggravate machine-spirits with my mere presence, but there was one time:

> Work at a carnival one summer for pocket money.
> Digital ticket scanners
> Arcane design, dozens of buttons, no instruction, no labels
> Ask the Omnisiah for guidance
> Great Success.
> Learn boss had instruction manuals hidden away the whole time, but kept them to himself so he could look smarter.
> Realize that the Omnisiah made me more knowledgeable than the boss
> Later, massive system failures, many scanners stop working.
> Repair over a dozen in half-hour with stern talkings-to, and many "shame on you"-s. No actual repairs, just reprimands and a few button pushes.
> Praise omnisiah, get new post for duration of carnival as scanner-fixer.

>>14169165
We do. It's called the Omnissiah--whom is the sacred avatar of the Machine God. We have just found the new Omnissiah (or at least this time periods Omnissiah)!!!111000...1

>>14169220
every thread is automatically archived on /tg/

>Phone can't find signal
>Bellow with rage at the injustice
>Crushphone in hands till screen cracks
>Always get signal

>>14169895

Wait, I'm the Omnissiah?

Shit, this is making sense.

>>14173375
Machine empathy's fine, but no, you're not.

>>14173375
I don't know what to call you- it's always been Techno-Heresy, and lately there's Heretek too- but you're going to get burned for it.

>>14170498
That's just shitty apple design

>deep inside a big building, no-one gets signal
>friend complains that they can't get any signal
>jokingly "I'll will you some"
>fingers on temples, humm a bit
>they get 5 bars
>the signal goes away when I stop

>>14173887

All I know is next time something breaks I'm going to lay hands on it and say, "Machine, be healed" or "Machine, heal thyself" and see what happens.

>Test day in computer lab
>Work on first half of test, making brain hamster run on overdrive
>side note, system we have at school is 50/50 crashing
>other side note: I'm more than ready for this test, but sure as hell not wanting to spend day on it, it was a lazy day, don't judge me
>tertiary side note: I've made a habit to save every 30 seconds...EVERY. THIRTY. FUCKING. SECONDS. NO. EXCEPTIONS.
>system begins it's usual cascade failure
>praying machine spirits to be able to finish at least the first half
>finish the half I wanted
>look around, crashed computers all around, mind myself
>get started on second half
>wait for it...
>BOOM!
>mine finally croaks
>FML
>welp, at least tough part's over
>pat computer, mutter "you did well skippy"
>prof says we'll finish it up in 2 weeks time
>GTFO, and take it easy
>just in time for early lunch

>playing games on my PC (Diablo II, Demigod, crap like that)
>games start to lag; it always does that after a marathon session
>game crashes; "Fuck, there goes my progress. Oh well, gotta start over—"
>PC flashes a BSOD; "Double fuck!"
>pull out tower from under desk
>hit side of tower with my fist
>screen goes back to desktop
>continue playing games again with no adverse effects
>everythingwentbetterthanexpected.jpg
I don't ask how or why it worked that time. It just did.

>>14174266

It's called "percussive maintenance".

>use a computer for 5 years, no problem.
>finally time to upgrade, get a new one
>give siblings my old system
>it breaks in a month, PSU seems fried
>MFW
>unplug it for a day, caress the casing while appealing to the machine spirits.
>plug it back in, good as new.

And then the motherboard broke a month later and I had to salvage the parts. This has happened with another computer, 2 monitors, and a printer that I've given my siblings.

I don't know if my siblings are doing with my old electronics, but they almost never have problems when I'm the one actively using them. My entire family seems to be allergic to digitalization.

>>14175351

My mother abuses the hell out of the Electronics, ignoring even the most basic Rites to keep them functional.

Hell, the other day I had to use her cell phone, and the screen had so much make-up residue on it I had to was my fucking hands.

She leaves her laptop running when she's not using it, sitting on carpet or a blanket or something, blocking both the air intake and outlet, and wonders why the thing is fucked up. (That and she has bad Internet habits.)

bump for the Omnissiah

>>14177813
The Omnisiah does not require your charity, but your content. Tell a story bro.

>>14175592
Your mother should be burned.

>Lost my Cellphone,
>toss my GF's whole apartment looking for it.
>Oh smallest of Machine Spirits, where has thou gone?
>Hear beeping underneath the nightstand.
>It's my cellphone's low-battery alarm.

I have some gloves. My aunt knits a lot of stuff. She knitted me fingerless coding gloves with green binary on them.

They're technomantic. The paradox is that their presence makes technology work for me: No technology needed, no knowledge needed, no interaction needed. Just works.

Fucking love these gloves, man.

>>14181660
Pic Related?

>Friend's computer doesn't work
>No idea what's wrong
>Recite a prayer to the Machine Spirit while gently tapping the side of the case
>Shit started working

Apprentice metalworker here.

At the trade school I got my first look at slip gauges. Now, as a fabricator, I work within accuracies of 0.005 mm. That being, if a cold breeze is blowing through the factory, it could dilate the metal enough to throw out accuracy. You have to measure your work in a temperature and humidity controlled room, once the work and measuring tools have adjusted to the temperature the tools have been calibrate to. Anyway, back to the story.

Slip gauges are sets of extremely precisely thick steel tags, used to calibrate measurement tools. They are kept in a humidifier, coated in oils to prevent rust, and can only be bought from places with the most advance machining equipment to make it as accurate as it needs to be. A basic set of 40 slip gauges can cost hundreds of dollars.

As the teacher pulls out the oaken box, he lays it on the table. He doesn't open it right away, or even unlatch it. He looks at the class and says, 'There's an old engineering saying about slip gauge sets. It goes that before you open the box, you oughta cross yourself. It's just that important." He also referenced the Engineer's Black Pocket Book as a Bible, and book of hymns.

He then made the sign of the cross before opening the latch. He palmed it off as an old joke, and we all had a laugh, but I've seen him do it when there wasn't even anyone around.

>mfw I realise machinists DO praise the machine spirits.

>>14181735
I daw'd.
I dunno why, though.

>Computer randomly shuts itself off
>trying to figure out why
>It happens whenever the ethernet cable becomes unplugged
>reliably test this several times
>internet goes out
>computer turns off
>decide to ask /g/ how to exorcise the demon out of my computer
>they laugh and tell me to stop hotswapping
>don't provide any actual info on how I can fix the problem

Oh well. So long as the machine spirit has an internet connection, it is happy.

Okay, sure.

>>Become Floridian.
>>Live on the coast.
>>Don't pay attention to the weather report and take your Zune out as you go for a stroll around town at night.
>>Screw around for hours on end.
>>It starts raining.
>>Start walking home, suddenly it turns into a tropical storm.
>>Become drenched in sky tears.
>>Take out my Zune, see if it still works in the middle of the storm.
>>Suddenly, storm is gone.
>>Zune works fantastically.
>>MY ZUNE IS GOD OF THE RAIN

Still works too.

>>14181735
Quantum theory states that observing something changes it.
String theory states that at its most fundamental level the universe is nothing more then probablility.
Belief is the observation of reality
Hope is wanting things to work out.
Esp studies have shown that concentration and belief can affect probability.

He was right.

>>14182137
>Quantum theory states that observing something changes it.

That's not really how it works. It's not observation so much as it is interaction. As you must interact with something in order to observe it.

The universe doesn't go "oh, a human is looking at me, I'll behave differently now!" That is simply not what is happening at all.

>>14182148

Yes it is.

>>14182148
That's exactly what's happening.
Except the universe is conscious it simply is,
...and that's exactly what I said, you just added a few more things too it and came to a wrong conclusion anyway.

>>14182183
What? No. The effect takes place even if there is no human observing.

You don't believe it or you want more info, go ask >>>/sci/

You've basically misunderstood what being an 'observer' means.

I am a Techbane. Literally I walk into a room and all electronic devices will shutdown or mess up. I have no idea what offended the Machine Spirit. Please help me.
For example
>my friend watches a video on youtube
>wants me to watch it too
>i put on his headphones
>no sound
>he gets mad tells me to move so he can fix it
>i walk out of the room
>sound again
DEAR OMNISSIAH WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DISPLEASE THEE???

>>14182183

No, see it's like this. We can observe reality because everything around us is being constantly bombarded with particles and energy waves. That's the light we see by, the sound we hear with etc. Electron microscopes work by blasting tiny stuff with electrons then building an image out of how they reflect off of said stuff.

This is stuff we take for granted and doesn't normally count for a whole lot on our scale of reality - until you get to the subatomic scale, when holy shit it changes everything.

Things act differently when they're NOT under these conditions of constant bombardment. The problem is (and this is where the Heisenburg Uncertainty Principle comes from) that we can't really "observe" something without subjecting it some form of bombardment.

>>14182405
This is me. I at first honestly wasn't taking this seriously. Then I removed every apple sticker I had placed on all of my electronics, said a prayer, and changed my desktop background to the Holy Cog.
>my microwave hasn't worked in 8 months
>after doing all of this i unplug/plug it back up
>works like its brand new
PRAISE BE TO THE OMNISSIAH

>this thread
>still here
>I'm out of incense
>Praise the Omnissiah regardless.

1000001101010

>>14187207
0100001101101111011011010110010100100000011011110110111000101100001000000111100101101111011101010010
0000011001110111010101111001011100110010110000100000011100100110010101100001011011000110110001111001
0010111000100000010001000110111101101110001001110111010000100000011010100111010101110011011101000010
0000011100000111010101110100001000000011000101110011001000000110000101101110011001000010000000110000
0111001100101110001000000100100101100110001000000111100101101111011101010010000001110111011000010110
1110011101000010000001110100011011110010000001110000011011110111001101110100001000000110000100100000
0010001001100010011010010110111001100001011100100111100100100000011011010110010101110011011100110110
0001011001110110010100100010001011000010000001100111011011110010000001110100011011110010000001100001
0010000001100010011010010110111001100001011100100111100100100000011101000111001001100001011011100111
0011011011000110000101110100011011110111001000100000011101110110010101100010011100110110100101110100
0110010100100000001011010010000001101100011010010110101101100101001000000100100100100000011001000110
1001011001000010000001100110011011110111001000100000011101000110100001101001011100110010000000101101
0010000001100001011011100110010000100000011101000111100101110000011001010010000001100001001000000110
1101011001010111001101110011011000010110011101100101001000000110000101101110011001000010000001101000
0110000101110110011001010010000001101001011101000010000001110100011100100110000101101110011100110110
1100011000010111010001100101011001000010000001101001011011100111010001101111001000000110001001101001
0110111001100001011100100111100100100000011001100110111101110010001000000111100101101111011101010010
1110

>Driving car
>Realize turn signal has stopped working
>pull off to side of highway
>CHECK EVERYTHING
>Grab homemade omnissiah icon and red coat
>Say some litanies I made up on the spot
>Try it again
>Doesn't work
>Hit the hood when it's down
>try again
>it works now

>realizing that a loose connection (or any other problem) will never ever be fixed by praying, but that simply jarring the connection might help the situation:
priceless

>>14182417
This is a common misunderstanding.

Things do not change merely by observing them, rather we must often change things in order to observe them.

For example, take a glass of water. Say you want to measure its temperature. You use a thermometer, right?
But the thermometer has its own temperature, and thus the water will change slightly because of that giving you an inaccurate reading.

>>14187663
01000010 01101001 01101110 01100001 01110010 01111001 00100000 01110100 01110010 01100001 01101110 01110011 01101100 01100001 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01110000 01110101 01110011 01110011 01101001 01100101 01110011 00101100 00100000 01001001 00100000 01110100 01111001 01110000 01100101 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01101111 01110101 01110100 00100000 01100110 01110010 01101111 01101101 00100000 01101101 01100101 01101101 01101111 01110010 01111001 00101100 00100000 01100010 01101001 01110100 01100011 01101000 00100001

1001010110101

>>14187854
0100000101101110001000000110100101101101011100000111001001100101011100110111001101101001011101100110
0101001000000110011001100101011000010111010000101100001000000110100101100110001000000111010001110010
011101010110010100101110

>>14187836
You repeated what he said, only using a retard-grade analogy instead of the actual explanation.

>laptop screen mysteriously dead
>use desktop whilst saving up for a new screen
>see this thread
>light incense and clean dust off of laptop
>apologize for any harm i ever caused it
>ask omnissia for forgiveness
>turn laptop on and nothing
>feel like a dumbass and plug laptop in and try again
>everything works fine and screen is clear as ever


best day evur

>>14188540
>set laptop down
>stand
>catch cord on legs and pull laptop off table
>screen broken again

i fucking hate my life some times..........

>>14188579
>i fucking hate my life some times..........
>>14153280 here
My sympathies.

Is this thing archived?

THIS JUST FUCKING HAPPENED

>staying in hotel
>reading this thread
>go out to eat
>come back and dad tries to get in
>jiggle card in door for 30 seconds, nothing
>"here let me try"
>i pray to the omnissiah in my head
>and it works the first time


FUCK YEAH

>>14190359

*mechadendrite high five*