2 worlds. Yes that's right, I not only negotiated the release of the Gox occupation, but I also got 2 whole uninhabited worlds out of the deal. How? Well it wasn't easy. Seeing as how I had to present myself before the entire Cohesion. That was a task in itself as dozens of representatives from each of the Unionite races we're all staring at me.

First of all it was a nasty situation. Some screw up didn't realize the same patch of territory we had our eyes on had already been claimed by the Gox Union. So when 2000 colonists come down in full body suit, the Gox see it as a damn invasion force. After half of em are killed and the rest held hostage, I am called to the damn negotiating table. It was bad. I knew the Gox still didn't like humans after our erm...first encounter. And the embassy reflected that. They clearly didn't even want us on the planet as it was crappy let me tell you. The food sucked, the services were terrible, and the rooms cramped, and basically a poorhouse with gold lined plates. Not the best position for me as I was still deciding exactly how I was going to negotiate the release of 1323 or our folks to a union of five different races, all of whom despise us. A shame really, the Kwixa women are kinda hot...

Anyway I'm getting carried away. So the embassy is crap, I established that much. But since I figured no speech I give could stir the hearts and minds, or whatever they use, to our position, so I started studying their political system more in depth. That was when I stumbled upon something very interesting. With it in mind I started making additions to my speech. A lot of additions. When the Union wants to negotiate something with a race outside the Union, they do it in something called the Cohesion. It makes them seem more intimidating when I'm speaking to their leaders and their delegates. The leaders don't say anything, but instead relay what they want to say through their delegates, which I find stupid because my translator picks up what they're saying anyway. By day I step into the room where all Cohesions are held. The Kwixa delegate is looking really, REALLY hot. Thank the holy spirit of Buddhallah my suit was covering my erection. They are all staring down at me as I arrange my papers and begin my negotiatin'.

>>13989991
>more T. Rollfaec
Wait, more Veil of Madness and Humanity trolling the galaxy? Fuck Yeah!

Naturally they refuse like they always do, but I knew of a little thing called "Outer's plea" where a an alien to the Union may do what we humans like to call a filibuster, and talk endlessly about anything. the Unionites pride themselves of being master bullshitters, even so far as training themselves to withstand hours of useless jargon, but they have yet to meet me. The helmet works to my advantage as it relays everything I say in a monotone drawl. This annoys the crap out of them as they realize what I'm doing and that it means they have to sit down, shut up and listen to me for however long I'm going to talk. I first explained the rules of human poker, a favorite past time of mine. And then I linked that to the appalling conditions of the embassy. Suddenly there was my filibuster as I started going down the list of problems. Starting with living conditions I talked for 3 hours straight about how hard it was for me to stretch my limbs in my room. The delegates were getting uncomfortable in their small seats. Next I went on and on about the com services and how expensive it was. I would pause briefly for a drink, the delegates would look hopefully thinking I was finished, then resume much to their disappointment. 14 hours in, I am thanking the additions to my suit injecting endorphins in me so I don't feel my legs cramping up. The delegates have requisitioned blankets as even they realize that I am probably gonna go all night.

As the night rolled into dawn I stopped listing my complaints about food, and moved on to complaining about the restrooms. For Unionites who have been consuming water all yesterday, it was torture. I started off complaining about the size of the toilet size. How there was not enough LIQUID inside. How I could not find RELIEF from the narrow PIPES. Imagine then developing half inch pipes for a full inch arsehole. It was a brutal experience that I relayed in grisly detail. I can tell that one or two were crossing their leg appendages, while I was grateful for the waste collection pouches in my suit. I was nearing the 24 hour mark when I started talking about the massive dump I took when the Gera delegate called for a break. Phew that gives me time to write new material, while they went to the bathroom. When they came back I could see them slightly refreshed, but their hopes died as I dramatically took a long roll of paper and unrolled it, letting the bottom comically slide on the floor.

Day 2. They had enough. Just as I was about to go into detail how the mini bar in my room had more poison than alcohol, they stopped me mid-sentence, not the delegates, but their leaders, they seemed much more willing to reopen negotiations, just as long as I stopped talking. In less than an hour our people we're homebound and with two new worlds in our pocket I thankfully slipped out of my suit for the scrubbers, the poor bastards. I took a long, gratifying shower when I had company. Kwixa delegate.

Yes you know where I'm going. She liked how I handled the cohesion. And how she always had a thing about humans and that mysterious armor we wear. I offered to show her that there was nothing to be afraid of, and she accepted a little too eagerly. Yeah. I banged her. And guess what, you know those headlines about us establishing an effective diplomatic relation with the Kwixa? Replace that with effective SEXUAL relations YEAH! I banged an alien babe! I released a thousand human hostages, got us two more planets, and made peace with an alien race with my penis, all in one week!

But enough about me, how are you doing?
-Transmission from Chief Diplomat T.Rollfaec, to Chief Diplomat Gutter Barba . Rollfaec is pending promotion

There, short and kinda fast near the end I know, but it was kinda hard getting this all down properly seeing as most of this came from a dream I had last night.

>>13990107

>Gutter Barba

>Neck Beard

I like it. Trolling alien politics is an underused story premise.

good times, but now i want a full report on all the alien races to boot, with side notes on how useful they can be to humanity

>>13990366
I dunno if I can, seeing as I'm not the original guy who wrote VoM

Well okay so This is what I got so far.

Gox: The original race to establish the Union. hence the name. Kinda like Orcs but pink. They are big on force and not so much on technological advancement.

Gera:They add the technology punch the Union needs to match the Alliance. Still not enough to match humans though. And it miffs the hell out of them.

Kwixa:The most human looking of the Union races. As implied by T.Rollfaec, they are pretty hot.


That's it, honestly I am not that versed in long race descriptions.

bump for more OC

>>13994269
What makes the Kwixa differ from humans?

>>13994269
So all your aliens are basically humans but different?
Son. I am disappoint.

>>13996910
I dunno I was tired when I made the list.


>>13996854

Revised:
Gox:Basically if you took a human skeleton, replaced the skull with a cat's and covered the whole thing with pink chewing gum haphazardly you'd get what your standard gox look like. Now stuff it into a gray suit and you have your standard military personnel. Despite looking frail and...chewy, they are surprisingly strong in ground warfare. They can jump farther than a human, and deliver a bone crushing punch with the ease a pimp bitchslaps his 'ho. And their claws are strong enough to pierce cement. How they don't cut themselves with the things is anyone's guess.

Gera:Something like a giant Slipper Lobster. Down to the fact they have no thumbs. But they understand physics and calculus at an age where humans are just starting to learn their multiplication tables. Never had any 'tech' to call their own until the Gox came along, gave them suits that allowed them to leave the water for more than a couple hours, and artificial fingers to let them make more sophisticated equipment for themselves And the Union.


Kwixa:What makes Kwixa different is that their skin is naturally pale. Normally a nocturnal species, and commonly wear a very tight body suit to prevent sun burn during the day. During the night however when the body suit is off, they literally glow as bio-luminescence down their spine and limbs start to light up. Their culture is rather stringent and rigid like the Gox

>>13997352
that's better

hot, glow in the dark, alien babes

bump for more HFY