that's pretty cool, op.

>>13901878

We gave a lot of it up to end the slaving operation and to avoid drawing too much suspicion, but it was SO worth it.

"ok... so you rubbed your nipples with badgers...and it worked..."

>7.5 million credits = a cruiser.

Apparently credits are worth far more than I had previously thought.

"You just killed more orcs in 10 minutes than the entire battle of Helm's Deep in lotr... you level up twice."

>>13901914

No, it was a pittance for a cruiser that size, but it was all they had on hand, and my character needed bank, sir. It was 7.49 million more than we had at the time, lol.

>>13901920
>>13901906

I wanna hear these stories!

"Damn it Manandale there's no kobold porn in this dungeon.

>>13901954

It's a fair question. One never knows WHERE they might find Kobold Porn.

Caption: Aturai $180

Man, Aturai is really jacking up the price for Kobold porn these days...

"You meet yourself in a bar. Roll a willpower check for sanity." < D&D 4e

Wasn't my line. New DM, brought time travel into the game (though we didn't actually know that until one of the characters literally ran into himself - we thought we'd gone through some form of teleportation portal). Campaign, such as it was (two sessions) collapsed shortly thereafter. Largely because the character in question failed that will-based sanity check with a 1, and murdered himself out of existence.

Apparently we ended up starting three wars over who will become king simply because we fucked with time. Tens of thousands died.

"Fuck the zombies and survival, i want that jacket!"

To GM
"What does Boggard taste like?"
After the party beat these horrible frog creatures.

>>13901944
static electricity, piercings, tesla coils and vampire lincoln alls this=one exploding zeppelin.
hindenburg if I'm not misstaken...

Player: "Why, sir, i have come because i want to be 'cleansed'"

Evil cultist: "Sure, just move near the basin of water"

(he actually does it)

EC: "Place your head within the waters, and the ritual will begin"

(He does it)

Me: "You might want to dodge..." (he fails, has no fate points)

Me: "Your no longer have a head. Roll up a new character. You (the others) see how the water smashes his skull in and bits of brain mass dissolves in the water"

Sometimes my players are damn retards

>>13901851

>>We disabled the security cameras with a force-influenced distraction and a natural 20 to the use computer check
>>natural 20 to the use computer check

You cant natural skill checks

>Deppressing combat between Khorne Berzerkers and a squad of IG Veterans
>All of squad killed save for Sarge, and he's armed with a knife and pistol.
>WS3, S3 vs WS5, T4.
>Hit once, wound.
>Berzerker rolls a 1 on his armor save.
>I say "Okay so roll to overrun, I failed my Ld test and I run."
>Fails his Sweeping Advance
"My veteran Sargeant just killed a Berzerker. With a knife, and ran away. He just earned a medal."

>>13901994

>4e

>>4E

>>>4-MOTHERFUCKING-E

I was assuming Call of Cthulu or something.

>>13902023
Waitaminute, this isn't really related. Brainfart on my behalf i guess. Anyways, from the same campaign:

"OH FUCK IT'S RAINING"

"10 xp for being a bastard"
I love a gm that rewards me for being in character.

Me: "I place the servitor torn from the console on my head and wear it as a hat."

DM: "...Charisma penalty."

>>13902042

What else would you call rolling a 20, sir? She had a 10 trained, it was a 27 DC, she beat the DC AND rolled a natural 20.

DM: "Okay, so you all survive the ambush, now you should get some rest and maybe go around town looking for leads on why the fuck you just got shot at."

"I Inquire for Big Booty Bitches"
-Bones, Feral World Guardsman.

"my stats are unduly high"

>>13902042
Natural 20s should be automatic passes regardless of the source of test. You're a hero; you've got a right to pull off your intentions perfectly 5% of the time.

Even if it's explicitly forbidden in the rules, houserule it in!

>>13902096
Stop calling people sir. Its put on and reads very pretentious. Im not being horrible, im trying to help.

>>13902200
Extraordinary events lose a lot of their impact when they happen one time in twenty.

>>13902200
no

just no

>>13902210
>>13902218
Which is where a GM is meant to make determinations based on how entertaining your game is supposed to be. If you could conceivably pass the test, you get a shot at it. Even if you couldn't, you get a shot at it - and the GM can clever his way around it if you roll a natural 20 anyway, if the players' success should somehow unhinge the plot.

In a Homebrewed Homestuck RPG:
"No, I'm not going to let you play a Mary Sue character that was squeezed out of another womens vagina at birth. You were born in another dimension and came to ours on a meteor LIKE A NORMAL PERSON."

>>13902243
>"No, I'm not going to let you play a Mary Sue character that was squeezed out of another womens vagina at birth. You were born in another dimension and came to ours on a meteor LIKE A NORMAL PERSON."
It's like I'm posting on Bizarro /tg/!

We were playing Pendragon, being knights in the world of King Arthur, at the time we were escaping the BBG's dungeon and found this portal. We were told you just had to say your destination and step through but we had to be clear about where we wanted to go. That didn't stop one of us from accidentally mixing up our home land and home town sending him far away. The rest of them got it right and then it came to my turn, I smiled to my self and I said: "Camelot!"
The party was less than pleased but I had a lot of fun with that side trip.

"I choppercock, then attempt a naked backflip into the tank's hatch."

I rolled a nat 20 on that backflip.

Stop trying to help. It comes off as pretentious. I'm not trying to help so I'll also call you a faggot.

>>13902260
out of context i'm sure it sounds really odd but in context it's a perfectly legitimate complaint

unless you wanted to play as a guardian or something

>>13902243
ps elaborate on your homebrew please

>>13902284
>"Camelot!"
>"Camelot!"
>"Camelot!"
It's only a model.
>"Shh!"

>>13902332
No guardians. She just wanted a morbid backstory about how her mother died in childbirth. Which given the setting IS A BIT OF A PROBLEM. I'm just going to go with her mom getting hit by the meteor.

As for the homebrew, its from the forums. Its a HEAVILY modified version of the new Gamma World, and character generation is pretty much completely random. I'm in both the official playtest group for the game, and also starting up my own, with a few of the new classes that are getting added in a day or two.
http://www.mspaforums.com/showthread.php?33724-The-Homestuck-tabletop-RPG-%28BETA-v1.0%29-Organize-a
-game-advertise-it-here!

>>13902366
How does the new Gamma Worlds play anyway?
I like the fluff (from what I've heard of it) but I'm not sure about the system.

>>13902288
Fair shot at trying to be That Guy, but unless your DM is a pushover or an idiot, who lets grand dickery like that fly, that's not really an argument against natural 20s being an automatic success.

>>13902366
huh, I read a really primitive version of this ruleset a few months back. didn't like it then, but it's developed into something that's not bad.

It still kind of eschews a lot of established Sburb rules (boondollers as xp, gaining fraymotifs by leveling), but it's done in the interest of simplifying the game to make it tolerable.

>>13902312

Thank you kindly, sir.

>>13902476
man, i started reading about race templates and now i'm fantasizing about tricking players into playing sburb

"trust me this will just be a perfectly normal D&D/DH game, you'll see..."

>>13902446

Actually, he had 19 dex, so it wasn't entirely unrealistic at all. not to mention the character was notoriously fuck-retarded-insane and, out of character, i would remind everyone else that all of my plans really are fucking absurd and crazy and they should do the sensible thing and not listen to me. I made no attempt to demand that this type of horseshit be looked upon as "cool" or "awesome" by his team mates and was quite clear that Alfie's ridiculous talents were only barely outweighing his antics, leaving him one fuck-up away from a court martial.

>>13902366
>sylladex rules
Stopped reading there. EVERY system breaks down at that point. It just can't be converted to tabletop rules. Just let the players have a damn inventory without having to fuss with stupid shit.

>>13902915

Sufficiently Kooky mechanics can easily be managed.

Have one player regulated to writing each thing in his inventory on an honest-to-god roll-a-dex and only be able to access items in order.

Have another player use a simple stack of cards as a stack structure (durr)

Have another player do the same, but add items into it by placing them at the bottom for a pipeline queue.

Seriously, it would probably be pretty easy and intuitive to do it with props and not try to do it on paper as some complex abstraction.

rolled 29 = 29

>>13901914

I recall a star destroyer being priced at about 94 billion credits.

"We should kill him."
"No, that would just make him a martyr."
*ten minutes of discussion*
"All right, we break all his limbs, cut out his tongue, and carve a prayer into his forehead."

No points for guessing what game this is.

Last week I had to say the following sentence, "No *Player's name* it is not legal to eat the retarded."

He replies, "But look this guy is dumber than a cow a and eating cows is legal."

I reply, "Point, but, it is frowned upon to kill and than eat the retarded in this, and most, societies. Do I really need to explain this?"

Our paladin is enlarged against his will, then attempts to walk back to the tavern after we finished the encounter.

DM: "You crush a cuddly bunny rabbit. Gain one xp."

We then had a ten minute discussion on whether or not killing a bunny rabbit and gaining xp from it would be considered evil, and thus cause the paladin to fall. Regardless of the fact that it was an accident.

so, yeah, you gave the tavern keep diabetes

I had a friend who said "I'm up there in the rafters, pooping in... wait, I just said pooping, didn't I?"

>>13901994
The King Who Should Have Been and his legions of Ne'er Were's?

"So I just rolled 5 critical successes against the Bloodthirster, and rolling for hit location.... I blow off both his arms, two fist sized holes through his chest, and decapitate him with my arrows. :D?"

"How do we stop the warpony? If we don't , it's going to kill Ishnu."


I was playing a rogue with an asshole Barbarian gnome named Ishnu. So one night while he was sleeping used a silk rope and tied to his warpony's leg and then tied the other end around his waist.

I drill a hole in the dragon's thigh.

I think we should cut open the bear.

>>13904956

Agreed. No context needed.

Also,

"You tell your masters the names of the four grim reapers of our military are Donatello, Leonardo, Michaelangelo and Raphael."

No way we're going to take this job. It's too easy, and they're paying too well.

>>13902205
>trying to help
Really? Because you sound like a dickmunch to me, good sir.


(lrn to elegan/tg/entlemen)

Player 1: Hey guys, It's a bear!
Player 2: Watch out for its flaming breath.
(Both rolled a 1 on Knowledge: Nature for Giant Spider)

>>13905996

We need a drawfag on this.

"While the rest of the party is standing there arguing, I take my dagger and gouge out my eye." - Me, in regards to magical dragon's eye that only works if it's in your skull.

"Ok the dreadwolf crits...confirms...and does... Oh god... 83 points of damage. Your bear explodes." DM to our Druid. Mind you, this is the second familiar she's lost in the campaign so far.

"I cast true strike on the commoner."- Our wizard in a last ditch effort to land the killing blow on the fucking dreadwolf that nearly killed me and the other tanky PC. The commoner missed by one fucking point.

>mfw we finally managed to kill that fucking dreadwolf.

"Just because I'm in the process of committing the genocide of an entire sapient species just because they refused to become my slaves does not make me a bad person."

"Guys, this my old friend Johnny is the pimp."

Hookers going missing, we're tracking down leads. I had been in a city before in my back story. Do I recognize the person I'm dealing with? *DM rolls* Yes, you do, and you were on friendly terms with him. Followed a little later by:

"Remember when I made you laugh so hard, you stopped beating a deadbeat, said you almost pissed yourself, and then decided to take a piss on him? Ah, good times, good times"

Our group rolls up on this encampment out in the Wilds. Suddenly my char ability to summon animals comes to mind.

"I got it, I'll summon a pack of wild canines and we'll strap Adam's fusion blocks to them. Send them in before us"

Sad day for the forest that day I can tell you

Me, to the party: "No, we didn't have sex!"

Context:

Early on in a D&D campaign, we came to rest at a tavern in a reasonably sized city. The tavern owner says he's got a "soothsayer" set up in the back if any of us needs some "scrying" to get done.

Our female Eladrin Wizard perks up when she hears this and asks what the costs are. Then she asks me, a Half-Elf Rogue, if I will come along with her. My face goes blank for a moment, but I know that when things don't go the way she wants them to she starts dropping spells, so I hesitantly agree.

When we go into the back room, the DM describes a female Tiefling in the room, and the description said room and Tiefling suddenly make it very clear to the Wizard's player what the tavern owner was actually talking about. She was never good with euphemisms, I guess.

When the DM is done giving the description, there is a silence at the table for about 30 seconds, and then the Wizard says, cheeks bright red, "I've made a terrible mistake."

Cue me running out of the room and having to give awkward explanations to the rest of the party about what just happened. "I couldn't just say no to her, she sets things on fire when they make her mad!"

We ended up buying the Tiefling prostitute off the tavern master and made her the party's loot wagon driver/animal wrangler.

"I heal. Through the might of Kord I close the wounds of my comrades even as we spill the blood of our enemies. But do they call me Kord the healer? No. I fight. I am a mighty warrior, wielding the axe of my forefathers and striking down many foes. But do they call me Thog the Warrior? Noooooo.

But you get drunk on hallucinogenic mushroom wine, and you fuck ONE statue..."

"I broke the soundbarrier with a sandwich."

Said by a Stoner Speedster in a Mutants & Masterminds game I'm in.

"Man we're never going to catch that assassin, want to become ghost pirates?"
"Sure."

Context: During a session I had missed due to being out of town, the DM threw out a major plot point of someone trying to assassinate the king. I come back and we're supposed to be chasing after this woman, but we play with the rule of no player, no character, so I had no actual knowledge of this event. After a couple hours of finding clues friend turns to me, says the above, and we ultimately say fuck it to the quest. Using rings of invisibility we begin seizing ships by throwing the crews overboard, and amass a fleet mighty enough to conquer the main plot.

And that's how we became living ghost pirates and enacted a plan that worked.

"OH SHIT OH SHIT DINOSAURS"

They weren't dinosaurs.

Escort mission.

The marching orders go:

[Fighter][Our Charge][Cleric]
[Me,Rogue]

Big female amazon(barbarian), gets the jump on us from the trees. Crits the fighter to death and cleaves the rogue to negatives.

My response. Tumble past the charge and the amazon.

I use my goad feat. How do I goad?

Pull out my Droid, hit my rock button and start to sing:

"
I got stiffness in my bones
Ain't no beauty queens in this locality (I tell you)
Oh but I still get my pleasure
Still got my greatest treasure
Hey big woman you gonna make a big man of me
Are you gonna take me home tonight
Ah down beside that red firelight
Are you gonna let it all hang out
Fat bottomed girls
You make the rockin' world go round
Hey
I was just a skinny lad
Never knew no good from bad
"
Yeah. I sang fat bottom girls, from memory, out of order. GM was laugh so hard he forgot to make her try to make her will save that first turn.

Me: "Wait, so she's a dragon, and my cousin? *turns to the DM* WTF man?"

My cleric with dragon heritage(character isn't aware of it) nded up hooking up with a dragon in human form posing as a fellow cleric and the DM tells me we apparently have the same great-great-grandfather after the fact.

At one point, a demon made an offer to one of my player's character:if at any time he needed help, all he had to do is yell out I PLEDGE MY ETERNAL SOUL TO THE POWERS OF DARKNESS, and true demonic power would be his, forever.
As a result of intra-party bickering, said character was coming out on the short end of a retarded PvP fight, so the following scene plays out
PC (stands up and holds out his hands for dramatic effect) I PLEDGE MY ETERNAL SOUL TO THE POWERS OF DARKNESS
GM(me) : grins immediately with fioendish glee, eyes alight
PC: NO WAIT!!!
(table erupts in DERISIVE laughter)

"It isn't against the rules because trying to buy off tyranids with hookers is such a bad idea they didn't even consider it."

"Well, I must say that this was the best idea we've had yet. But Emperor help us when we run out of beer, those necrons will get us for sure."

"No, you can't just say 'it isn't rape if it's a Tau. If anything, the fact that you wanted to fuck a tau will make it WORSE when the inquisitor catches up to us."

"So at this point we've doomed the hive, accidentally helped Khorne summon a fagging avitar here, Traded our Baneblade to a bunch of Orks for a head start, got our inquisitor killed, tried to pimp the Pyker, and ditched most of our original retinue for a rag-tag band of xenoes. Let's face it: We're the worst imperials ever. And take of that fucking Thousand Sons costume, it's cardboard and not fooling anyone."

All in one session too. what the hell is it with me and 40k anyway?

>>13909457
that last one got me good.

Your random quotes are always good for at least a chuckle. How many more ya got?

DM: ....
Me: "Hey, we did the rolls, right?"
Fellow player: "Every single one."
DM: ....
Fellow player: "Look, we did this legally, hell YOU told us what to roll."
DM: "Just shut up."
A full minute passes, with the other two players looking somewhat confused.
DM: "You guys are retarded, you know that, right?"
Me and Fellow player: "Yep."
DM: "Fine."
Fellow player and I then lead our cohorts and followers into battle screamsinging "Like a boss" at the top of our lungs, IC and otherwise.

tl;dr The Leadership feat really does deserve to be houseruled out.

>>13909457
>justanotherdayinspacehive13

>>13909457
Can't be as bad as the one guardsman that pulled a psycher out of Slannesh's throne-room through a portal, shot a rouge trader, took over his operation, grew a beard and fooled his former inquisitor, and somehow ended up with his own harem(an eldar, the psycher, and a few others) and nobody could figure out how it happened.

>>13909442

You're party was FUBAR'd in one round?

I mean your line is humorous and all but what the hell level were you?

The GM to my Level 1 summoner:
"Quadruped
Improved Natural Armor
two Tentacles?

What the hell are you building?"

Him at level five:
Reach added
Pull added
Push Added
Pounce added
"

"Are you building a pokemon?"

Pic:My summon at 10

>>13909460

From that session, or in general?

"I found out what the nasties are weak against. Point blank annihilation."

"I love this fucking gun! It solves every problem! Big angry ork? Melta! Chaos beast? Melta! Nagging wife? Melta! It slices, dices, and gets all the bitches."

"Alright, the farseer and I are riding the giant rocket dildo out of the main hive now. I'm telling you though, the knife-eared bitch calls me a monkey again, she doesn't get to ride the Love Commander anymore."

"i don't think it's 'the nuclear option' anymore. After that shit of Vegas Delphi, it's standard operating procedure."

"Why are you asking the cultist about motives? they're evil, want to do cocaine and put cocks on everything. What more justification do you want? We don't act now, everything will so covered in dicks we won't be able to see strait! we won't even have guns for shooting heretics anymore, just giant free-floating cocks that shoot lasers. And if you want to go to war riding dicks shooting laser cocks... Well, I don't even know what to think anymore."

Sadly, I can't claim credit for that last one.

Also, that's the only real good ones from that game I can think of.

>>13909496
in general.

>>13909468

That was also me.

You forgot the part where i pimp-handed a god, and fucked the same inquisitor who swore to kill me. Never scored with the psyker though. She was more like the cute mascot girl than love interest material.

"I pull a cat out of my bag to find me a new pair of boots."

After being blasted half-across a city and (miraculously) surviving, my boots had been burned to cinders in the blast. Luckily, bag of tricks is the most awesome item ever.

I have no idea, but apparently, the cat stole a pair of boots from a female half-orc bandit in the city.

"Ok you miserable excuse for a Psyker the rest of the squad is pinned by that MG nest over there i have a plan but it involves you. so stop crying or i swear on the the holy throne of Terra i will use you as a goddamn warp grenade! now man the Fuck up and THROW ME!"

all things considered it went better than expected..

>>13909493

Level three.

My rogue survived that fight. With no one to hold us back the charge and I stayed off the roads and made a boot killing pace.

Warhammer 3e...

Me: I rip my way though the fallen troll bursting out of his back. I then victoriously roar in anger that I am still alive!
GM: *rolls some dice*
GM: A nearby orc collapses from a sudden heart attack upon witnessing this.
Me: ... what?

>>13909533

The correct response is "I caused it, I get the experience!"

Mutant Undergångens Arvtagare.
Me, a android doctor, is talking to our commando, a mutant rat, about a uppity human party we have been asked to attend.

Commando: well, since you learned me how to brush my teeth clean my fur, attending a nice ball in a proper fashion shouldn't be that hard.

Me: Might be so... but a got dental hygiene is no excuse for a poor racial hygiene.

>MFW

"Look amigo, you've got two options here. Either you can start digging that mass grave, or are you gonna help me jar some heads?"

Western game, after getting into a brutal shootout in a lumber camp with a rival group of loggers. As it turned out, they'd hired outside help that were wanted in other states. Easiest way we thought to collect on the rewards was to put the heads into jars, and bury the rest.

"We're out running the DM!"

Our quest was north, we went east.

>>13909547
thats horrible, but I laughed anyway. now i feel bad.

>>13909545
Heh... sort of pointless in a system where getting 1 more EXP essentially doubles the suggested EXP progress per session.

>>13909511

Oh god, there's too many. Every fucking time I sit at a table, something happens.

"I used to be addicted to amnesia dust. Couldn't get out of bed without taking a hit. but then I'd forget why i got up, so I'd go back to sleep."

"Well sometimes you get a nice one. sometimes you wake up to a Kraut holding a knife to your neck crying about how her father never loved her while she rides you slowly into the night. God, I miss Helen."

"Kid, you'll learn to always cook your own food. Unless you relish the idea of waking up in a brothel being raped by an ogre with tits the size of your head."

"I never thought I would say this, but this looking like a job for a transsexual and a pink lawn flamingo."

"Well, Godzilla just bit the dust. We've exhausted our supply of kaiju, ran out of virgins to sacrifice, Beiber's failed what should have been the relatively simple task of luring a bunch of young girls to a lust pit for sex demons. I think we need to just confess to Obama we aren't actually economist before he gets the bill for that 'fact finding' mission in Vegas."

"Repeat after me: I will not assume a maximized fire-ball is the answer to everything. I will not say 'it's not rape if it's an elf' to the elven ambassador. I will accept the fact that after the badger incident, I'm no longer allowed to take part in the peace talks."

"Oh joy, oh rapture. You've hired the village drunk for our legal consultant. You know, could you at least have the decency to PRETEND you didn't spend the money on hookers and blow?"

>>13902006
Similarly:
"Is dragon edible? What does it taste like?"
My character hadn't eaten breakfast...

"You know, of all the things I hate in the galaxy, I can only think of two I have more than you. Fortunatly for you, both of those are right in front of us, so do me a favor and at least die before I do."

-My lone Justicar, whose bionics have brought him back twice in the same game, and is now staring down a High marshal and some space wolves, standing next to a Hive Tyrant

Ooh, I remember one.

"Suck his cock, quick, or he's gonna die!"

Context: oWoD campaign. Our party had just finished a battle with a pack of Black Spirals, and most of us were in bad shape. The worst one was the party's main tank, whose had been mutilated during the battle, and had fallen unconscious. While the GM was describing his wounds in explicit detail, out of impulse I yelled that line to our party healer, who had the Lick Wounds gift.

Awkward...

>>13909559
Oh well, we all did at that moment. But after we all had laughed our collective ass of I told him I was sorry, then we had a brofist.

>>13909573
Better with prestidigitation.
My sorcerer has a terrible habit of cooking and eating things he kills even though he doesn't need to eat anymore. Also might as well leave a quote.

>Female fey thing: "Clear the room"
>Me: "Yes Ma'am"

>>13909457
>>13909496
>>13909570
Holy shitting dicknipples. You sound like you're afflicted with the same kind of crazy awesome my players are.

"The man steps out from the shadows, clad in trunks, gloves, and tribal tatoos. He inhales through his nose, then breathes out a malevolent grunt filled with rage against the world that has wronged him. Okay, what's everyone's speed vs Mike Tyson?"

This was a GURPS game, of course, though it would kind of have to be....

>>13909595
I wish I could play in a game that awesome, but I'd just look lame in comparison.

"Throw in the explosive kittens"

"We really need to enchant a hula hoop with teleport circle"

"You go after the stone, i will wrestle with the pyramid!"

>>13901954

thank you...

now i have to google kobold porn...

you magnificent stereotypical basterd

>>13909595

An entire group of me? I refuse to believe this.

No really, I don't think it can be done. I 'won' CoC. The idea of more than one of me at the same time is terrifying.

Though it's hard to tell how awesome I am, depending on who you ask I'm either the most amazing person ever or 'that guy'. I don't THINK I am, but then how would I know?

Interestingly, both sides of the aisle point to the same thing when arguing their case.

Anyway, it's late where I am and I need sleep.

"Dude. Victory circus?"

"Victory circus."

And then we went to the circus.

>>13909590
>Better with prestidigitation.
For some reason I thought you linked >>13909577 and was wondering if jerking someone off was a valid thing to do with prestidigtation. I mean, it takes less than an hour in the majority of cases...

"Some demon ghosts are coming to kill us all in our sleep. 'Night"

Said to party after having come to some wild conclusions based on some shifty information/things I'd seen.

>>13909611
>won call of cthulhu
there's never been a guy as that as you

>>13909598
I'd DM it all the time if it didn't get so damn exhausting.

As an example of a not so crazy situation my players get into.

Social based Femme fatale Assassin meets the rest of the group, she has a massive bruise over her temple and a black eye. She didn't have that half an hour ago.
Arbitrator: Wait a minu-.. Woman! Who gave you that black eye?
Assassin: *in a matter of factly tone* Oh, my husband(another assassin long story) Just lovers quarrel, don't worry about it.
Arbitrator looks like he's about to pop a blood vessel in his forehead.
Arbitrator: Where is that scumbag, I oughta...
The husband walks into the scene, greeting the other Assassin in a loving manner
Arbitrator: You scumbag! You thought you could abuse your own wife and teammate and get away with it?! NOT ON MY BLOODY WATCH!*five minute long rant of insults I dont exactly recall*
Husband: Whoah, whoah calm down friend. I haven't hit her. Right, dear?
Assassin: No, you haven't.
Arbitrator: Then what the hell did you do?
Husband: I shot her.
Arbitrator: WHAT!?
Husband: It's okay! It's okay! It might've been point blank, but it was just a paint round! And she's still alive!
Assassin: It's quite okay Arbitrator, we try to kill eachother all the time! It's how we say "I love you" where we come from!
Arbitrator: You... You people are crazy. Emperor have mercy on me.
The Arbitrator walks off to get a drink.
Husband: Strange man, that Arbite.
Assassin: Indeed.

"I don't care if she's the engineer, we find the chick with the biggest tits on the ship and make her serve us drinks"

The first thought our Rogue Trader group comes to after having a jacuzzi installed.

>>13909630
there was the story of that crazy lawn gnome lover that killed some demon in a exploding hockey rink.

"I want to kill and stuff the cougar, then hollow out the body for use in smuggling liquor to the local speakeasies."

"...isn't that going to really stand out in the back of your car?"

"I'll just put a sign in it's mouth that says "fuck off, cops"."

Call of Cthulhu. A player was a mobster bootlegger, who's party had to kill a large animal for a ritual.

"Start a hypothetical calendar based on things we might do in the future and things we have yet to do in the past."

After some weird time dilations we came across implied some future and past events we had yet to take part in

>>13909496
"But how do I beat th-"

"Melta gun."

Ran the campaign out of the DH BRB, with a little modification. Decided to Roll everyone who wasn't up on the 40k lore as a guardsmen, and just had everyone pick a specialty IE; Sharpshooter etc.

Anyway, so they get to the end fight, where the fanatic army charge the camp/bastion thing. And... it went to complete shit

Me- "So you just spent three days setting up defenses and arming the camp followers... do you wanna set a picket?"

Group- "Nah."

"Right." Ten hours later the camp is raided. Everyone is caught unprepared. The three players are standing in the middle of the bastion after I told them "You lose the bastion, you lose."

Player 1-"See, I'd call the charge into the fray, but I'm just one man. And the militia is doing alright."

me-"Not even gonna go after the leader types? Just to even the odds?"

Player 1-"Nah, we're good. Let him com-"

Player 2-"Dude, loot."

Player one- "Oh yeah, We set off to find the leader type fellow. Just keep an eye out for the dude with the most bling, then kill him. Kill shot gets the lions share."

So they find him, after all he's the dude with the god-damned shield, screaming orders, next to the two guys with the vox hailers. In the middle of the chaos, he sees them, they see him and the two groups square off.

So you've got three guardsmen in a wild west stand off with A Militia-fanatic leader with a fuck-off sized handgun and a yeller-tube (Analogue megaphone) and two guys with trumpets fed through vox hailers.

It was then player three chimed in. He was a pseudo-scum commando type, and quite. New to RPG's. He pushes his chair back, stands up and says in his best John Wayne voice,

"You two boys handle the brass section, I've got the tenor. We meet back here in five"

>>13909718

I'd give him XP just for that line. That is brilliant!

>>13909718
I think I ended up giving him the Fanatics hand cannon... which was a revolver that gave him a bump when he interacted with people, but only on the condition that he did it in his John Wayne voice.

After that session he printed off a bunch of John Wayne quotes and kept them on hand just incase.

One of the better examples was when I had them try and rally a bunch of guardsmen to hold the line against a half dozen assault marines who they (The players) were attempting to liberate relics from.

“Well, there are some things a man just can’t run away from. Ten foot tall, post human killing machines with jump packs just happen to be one of them."

Was roughly the jist.

My Arbitrator (who was fired from his precinct) became a night club owner, and a DJ, his friend comes up to him and says 'Hey, Crisis, could I be your security chief? Never know when you could use eight feet of meat.'

Crisis turns around and gives him a look, with a glass of scotch in his hand and his neon flak greatcoat on.

'Buddy. If I wanted eight feet of meat, I would drop my pants.'

>>13909859

>'Buddy. If I wanted eight feet of meat, I would drop my pants.'
That is the gayest thing I've ever read.

>Arbite, "Burn them, Burn them, Burn them, Burn them!"
>Psyker proceeds to use firestorm and massive overbleed getting something like 37 wounds of damage.
>Arbite: "WHY DID YOU BURN THEM!"
Sho

>>13909513
dude you are awesome i wish i could play games with things happening like that but everyone around my town is "ROLL PLAYING IS SRS BZNS"

"So did my magic missile blow up the Star Destroyer's shield array?"

>I am not making this shit up.
>Multiverse is awesome.

>>13909990

Then fix them. Teach them how it's done.

Be the most absurdly fuckawesome character they've ever seen and do it without min-maxing.

Make them see that acting like Kamina-meets-Guts-meets-insanitfywolf is the most mechanically effective option, trumping all "builds" they once held sacred.

>>13910284
my last attempt to be anything but the serious cleric my group decided i should be ended with me being kicked out of the group. no tears shed over that one but it was about the last group i could find in my town that i hadn't already told to go fuck themselves.

i might be working on a mine soon though so i might see if any of the guys up there would be interested in a game

Context: completely Unstable Dwarven Artificer (level 12) in a party with 5 warforged of various classes. DM has houserules that allow warforged to go into "shutdown" (sleep) to repair.
They all five leave me alone on nightwatch. Stupid.

They wake up to my maniacal laughter.
Them: "What the hell are you laughing about"
Me: "Now my metal minions, combine!"
Them: "What?"
DM: "Your warforged are all pulled together midair and begin to change, eventually socketing perfectly to make a huge, humanoid form."
Them: "Wut?"
ME: "BEHOLD VOLTRON!"
I climb in the pilot seat and go around rolling the rest of the campaign.
I later made a flying aircraft carrier out of a skywhale.

/thread

On a related note, though...

Being Brewmaster Father Crash, a Warforged Cleric of Kord and utter insane badass who fucks shit up with his Adamantine great maul, Lady Hangover. Join up with group for first time. We're set upon by a giant motherfucking steamjack in the middle of a city after a lengthy, grueling battle against a bunch of undead.

Aid, Bull's Strength, Enlarge Person, Pic Related.

>"TIME FOR A MEGAZORD BATTLE, BITCH!!!"

Proceed to nat 20 crit and do 69 damage to its fucking chest, denting it badly but not even slowing it down. Proceed to kick it into MAXIMUM FUCK and, being a giant motherfucking robot, throw a nearby cart full of barrel bombs at the fucker for like 36d8 damage, melting its ass like a boss.

"I don't care what you rolled on knowledge Architecture and Engineering, you do not invent indoor plumbing"

"Ok, who here knows the damage roll for a wedgie"

>>13910433

I lol'd. hard.

"Haha! You've forgotten that I have weapon proficiency: Apple Cart!"

>>13909630

Notice the 'won' was in quotes. I'm not sure what killing Hastur is worth in your book, but I'd think it was pretty up there.

>>13909644

That's the story I was referring to. Old Man Henderson was his name.

>>13909990

Make an optimized character, and then attach whatever personality you want.

They can't complain that your dwarf has an outrageous accent if he's the most effective party member.

Start with small quirks to ease them into it: a voice, then a new class, then 'well why would there BE an animal husbandry skill if it wasn't good for anything? Think LONG term.'

Playing a noble scum, party face who is too brave for his statline
>disguise check, biomancer, diviner, my scum as mutants
>infiltrate mutant base to gain information on weapons trade
>place is a hellhole, torture everywhere, people dying, GM talks it up as horrible
>naturally end up in front of Sorcerer Mutant BBEG
>he sees through our disguise
>"BLAH BLAH BLAH I will kill you all I am big mutant boss full of epic and win"
"First, you are a terrible leader. We pretty much walked into your base, which says something about your security and thus, your intelligence. And secondly, you're ugly."
>He attacks me first instead of the far deadlier party members.

I love that character. He practically has a 'Taunt' ability that works on everything from mutants to tyranids.

we were disguised in a mercenary army camp and were brought to the heads fully buffed.

Head #1: I can see a LOT of spells on you guys...where did you get them?

Me: Your mom. (Intimidate check: 48.)

Him: ...umm...excuse us, we need to talk for a moment.

>>13901920
Hey, that was me who did that!

Good times...

"i'll pay/blackmail/kidnap some highborne females to breed my sons"
drow male pc, i needed some highborn offsprings grown away from the lolth cult.

>>13901944
Not the one who posted >>13901920, but rather the player who pulled the stunt that prompted the line:

We'd found the location where a huge army, mostly orcs and goblins, but a fair number of ogres as well, had withdrawn to after being driven back from the city they were besieging. They'd set up what basically amounted to a small town of wood-and-canvas tents and huts, secured by a wooden palisade with watchtowers mounted with modified hag's eyes for surveillance. At first we just thought, "well shit, don't think we can take this, let's just head back to town".

Then while we were in town, someone (not me, I think it may have been the rogue's player) came up with a brilliant idea: Give my sorcerer the ring of invisibility we'd picked up a while back, give him a Heward's Handy Haversack filled with alchemist's fire, and have him fly over the camp like a medieval-fantasy stealth bomber.

So that's what we did. Simply dropping an item doesn't count as an aggressive action (even if you know that item will cause bad things when it lands), so I could stay invisible the whole time, plus I got a good 600 feet of altitude just to be on the safe side.
To add a little bit of class to the affair, I used Ghost Sound to blare Ride of the Valkyries as it happened.

We learned two things that day:
#1: Fire spreads REALLY fast in a shanty town where everything's made of flammable materials.
#2: Orcs REALLY suck at firefighting.

Roughly two-thirds of the 10,000+ strong army died in the blaze, and the entire camp was reduced to ash and charcoal. And we didn't even use up half of the alchmist's fire we'd bought for the mission!

>>13909611
>>13914165
You are a god on this board I havent laughed like I did while reading old man henderson for a long time.

BTW care to elaborate on the flamingo

>>13902097
I posted this at 3 in the afternoon. This thread is still here. Cool.

I'm so glad I started this thread.

>>13914784

I appreciate your high opinion of me.

And I'd rather not talk about that bit with the flamingo. First and last game of MAID I'll ever play.

>>13914141

It's not often I'm left speechless, but you sir have done it.

I'm trying to picture a scenario where one could actually say this, and I'm drawing a blank.

What the hell happened?

>Fine I will take the Wombat....
Shadowrun....

"Elopper... No crowbars allowed."

Something I was told early on in one DH game. An IG with a crowbar became the bane of many a world...

"Sir, empty your bowels now or feel the wrath of my blade and the thousand ancestors within it!"

Please, don't ask...

>>13915476

I suspect it's that feat that allows you to wield anything as an improvised weapon... or allows you to do more damage with improvised weapons, or something.

"NOBODY DOES THAT TO ME!"

I walk up and touch the dragon.

>>13915476
>>13916913
Yeah, My slayer ended up minus a sword, so he grabbed the nearest thing on hand: a merchant's apple cart.

which he then threw 20 feet through the air at a halfling thief's head.

As you come back from the underground you are surprised to find to pennant bearers of Heironeous standing guard outside your brothel.