A pair of socks that dry quickly and always smell nice. They also glow faintly when spiders are nearby.

A piece of cloth that can grow to the size of half a football field or shrink down to the size of a penny. It can also change colors and (simple) patterns, but can't usually be used as camouflage. It's magical, but still only as durable as normal cloth.

>>13380370
Best item EVER!

A wallet which, when opened, spawns 1d8 moths. Any money placed in the wallet disappears as soon as the wallet is closed, and the moths will ravenously eat any nearby clothing that isn't being worn.

A staff charged with the Random Spell Generator.

A pastry shaped like a small turtle that regrows overnight to full size so long as you don't eat the head, and you store what's left in your satchel for a full eight hours without opening it again. It's not enough to stand as a meal but it's enough to remind you what food tastes like. Also it has little eyes on it that look at you innocently even as you eat it.

>>13380396

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

A wooden pole which, when the tip is placed on the ground, will always perfectly balance and remain upright until physically pushed over.

A small pin that people will find difficult to not look at.

An Egg that, if willed by the owner, speaks in a gravely and deep voice, narrating the past 5 minutes of events in a film-noir "hardboiled" detective monologue.

>>13380380
What happens if you rip it in half?

>>13380391
What if you open and close it over and over repeatedly?

A seed that, when planted, grows into a corpse.

>>13380430
Then you suddenly have a shitton of moths.

A glove that makes the character’s left hand invisible to bumblebees.

A pendant of stealth which gives a +5 to all hide checks, then flashes brightly and plays an uplifting "success" chime when the wearer successfully passes undetected.

A small metal cage containing a floating eye. It constantly stares at the most evil person it can see.

>>13380497
...I love you

>>13380419
DO WANT

A talking turtle that tells you exactly what you should have done five minutes after you've done it.

A dildo that cannot get you off, instead anyone you look at while using it will feel the dildo instead.

A small metal box that, when opened, shouts the answer to a question that someone, somewhere in the world just asked.

A fish hook which causes all fish attached to it to become musically capable, followed by a short dance number, then the death of the fish.

A magical ring that slices off whatever digit it is on.

>Implications that imply implications

An indestructible ornament that no matter how hard you try will never stay on the tree.

>>13380544
>Implying that you couldn't get a millions dollars by livestreaming that on the internet and charging per view

A headband that summons ghostly bees, which are invisible to the wearer but can be seen by everyone else..

A doormat that will spell out a greeting apropriate to what whomever steps on it thinks of.

A sword that glows blue when a command word is spoken. The glow is totally contained when the blade is sheathed.

>>13380628
You'd have to stare the person non-stop the entire time and you'd never have the added high of feeling it yourself.

A book that, whilst closed, contains the secrets of the universe. If it is opened more than a few millimeters, however, the words vanish, replaced by an in-depth recipe for tuna casserole.

A bottle of limitless severed penises.

>>13380360
A glove that becomes extremely heavy if worn while stealing something.

(Stealing from Oblivion here) An item that allows the owner simultaneous water breathing and water walking powers.

>>13380741
It's called acting, honey.

>>13380793
Never mind that water won't actually save you from the guard...

A spear that looks incredibly valuable, but is in fact worthless.
A piece of paper that fills everyone within 10 meters with unease.
A knife that, when it touches a piece of metal, transforms it into an origami crane made from said metal.

A small cloth which is always dry and cand remove a stain in one wipe, said stain is then held by the cloth until wiped onto a different surface where it then transfers the stain.

Any artifacts my damn dorfs make.

I had craftdwarf workshops set up on the work level, and near the fun stuff, deep in the earth. When they got a strange mood, they would always choose to go to the very bottom one, instead of going for the more convenient location -- you know, five steps over. It's like they were laughing at me when they constructed a microcline mug with gopher bones engraved with an image of a microcline mug.

>>13380927
This would make awesome toilet paper.

>>13380975
Hahha I love /tg/
not the use I had in mind but that's fucking crafty

A +2 dog of cats.

Hair of Strife. This is a long blonde strand of hair that, once grasped by a man, will bond with him. It can be brushed off, but will reappear at inopportune moments, like when your wife is asking you where you've been all night. It exudes a subtle but distinct scent of perfume. The only way to get rid of it is to convince another man to pick the hair off you, at which point it bonds with him. Picture somewhat related.

Wand of Create Wand (Create Wand)

one charge

Wand of Unrealistic Expectations. Tapping the wand against something concealed will make people believe that it is somehow better than it actually is. They expect your money pouch to contain more money that it actually does. They suspect you have a better physique beneath your cloak. Unfortunately, they view their expectations as merely reasonable and will not be impressed or put off by them. (If, for instance, you tap your poker cards, they may expect you to have three of a kind rather than a pair, but that won't affect the way they play their hand, even if it really should.) Upon revealing whatever was concealed, they will be vaguely disappointed.

>>13381383
INFINITE FIREWOOD.

Or just make arrows out of the wands.

>>13380862
>A spear that looks incredibly valuable, but is in fact worthless.
How would this even work?

>>13381424
When I want run's out of charges it crumbles to dust.

a shield that is unbreakable when not being used in combat

map to the greatest treasure in the world, anyone who reads it immediately forgets everything they ever saw, including the map.

>>13380862

sell the staff for buttloads to a poorly versed trader, use the knife to get rid of any metal door ever, and slip the paper to someone to make them and the people with them to get extremely paranoid and possibly have a breakdown.

Wand of Jumbles. Waving the wand at something organized will put it into disarray as soon as nobody is looking at it. Carefully sorted stacks of paper turn to piles of pages randomly heaped together. A backpack full of items put in particular places will lose all sense of order. A second wave of the wand will restore everything to its original, sorted state.

>>13381455

This is my favorite thing in this thread.

>>13381455
That is so useful that you're an idiot for even thinking of equating the word "useless" with it.

>>13380556
that would make fishing so much fun

>>13381175
The rod of animal amalgamation. When the tip touches a creature, all creatures of similar type suddenly stick together to form a larger version of the original creature. (think a large dog made of smaller dogs glued together) Size of the new creature is dependent on the size of the original animal and the number of similar animals near it. All creatures retain their normal intelligence and thought processes, they are simply stuck together

Not useless, but could be amusing

A compass that points to where you were one minute ago.

A necklace that, when worn, stops your voice from echoing.

>>13381660
Naaaaa na na na na na na na...

>A knife that, when it touches a piece of metal, transforms it into an origami crane made from said metal.
>What armor?

Seriously. So useful.

Cunningly-crafted wooden apples. They taste delicious, but are indestructible.

A codpiece of holding. It can hold anything, but it's socially awkward, not to mention disadvantageous in combat, to be rummaging around in your trousers for your hero's ... junk.

A cat-apult. It's a small, animated catapult, that follows the hero around, but is really only accurate when it's launching cats.

Related to the first one ... iron rations. Made of iron.

A scabbard of dulling. Blades inserted into the scabbard become dull and rusted.

Finally, Figurines of Wondrous Copyright Attorneys. They summon a scribe who can only be made to attack bards or other performing types who replicate the bards' performances without paying royalties.

>>13382001
>A scabbard of dulling. Blades inserted into the scabbard become dull and rusted.
>capture enemy
>Dull his blade
>You now have an excellent and frightening torture implement.

A toothpick +5. People trying to remove flecks of food from their teeth tend to stab themselves and bleed, but for negligible damage.

A sentient sword, inhabited by a complete and total pacifistic coward. The blade will not and cannot be used to attack anything. However, the cultured and sophisticated courtier whose soul is trapped in the blade has an extensive knowledge of fine wines and cheeses.

A bag of dehydrated water.

A crystal ball of scrying. It's fixed on a peasant's house, and cannot spy anywhere else. If you're interested in watching a rat-catcher and his wife, children, and pigs, this is the item for you.

Scissors of mending. They cannot cut anything, but can return cut cloth and paper to its original, whole state.

>>13382163
>A bag of dehydrated water.
Nostalgiaing so hard. Some friends of mine made a fake commercial for dehydrated water. It was the most amazing thing ever.

>>13382189

POST IT

And link us to it.

And tell your friends and embarass them.

>>13381392

What the hell is this shit? I was expecting something better than this.

>>13381526

, and
This post campaign. in my

was I may use

this
item awesome

>>13380391
>A wallet which, when opened, spawns 1d8 moths. Any money placed in the wallet disappears as soon as the wallet is closed, and the moths will ravenously eat any nearby clothing that isn't being worn.

LOL'ED HARD

A pair of gloves than turn invisible when you wear them.

>A crystal ball of scrying. It's fixed on a peasant's >house, and cannot spy anywhere else. If you're >interested in watching a rat-catcher and his wife, >children, and pigs, this is the item for you.

I came......

A pair of seven-league boots that are always slightly too small to wear.

Amulet of Orc Warning. Whenever an Orc (hostile or not) is within thirty feet, and in plain view, the amulet will declare THE ORCS ARE APPROACHING in a low, constipated voice.

Also available in the Insectoid version; when a hostile monstrous insect is within thirty feet, and plainly visible, it screams BUUUUUUUUUUUUUGS! extremely loudly like a fuckwit.

Trash bag: Contains various amounts of worthless trash whenever opened

Wand of statement, when this wand is pointed at any physical object it will loudly exclaim exactly what you personally think about that object, even if you have yet to form an opinion about that object.

once in a changeling game I got a little bag that whenever opened would tell me to fuck off in various ways.

>>13380360
A ball-vice of omniscience. Whenever you wear it, you know everything, but are incapable of writing, speaking, drawing, moving or even thinking clearly due to excruciating pain.

As soon as you take it off, you forget everything you learned.

A pair of really baggy pants that makes your junk grow twice as long. This enchantment disappears as soon as the pants come off.

>>13381392
You know that I could probably take over the world with an item like that.

I'm disappointed in you.

>>13382522
Good confidence builder, though.

>>13380760
Tear the pages off one by one. Never opened. Still read it. Fuck ya.

>>13382522
Just don't take them off. Wear two pair!

>>13382442
>point it through a crowd

"All of these people are assholes!"

90% of the items in this thread would be EXTREMELY useful to anyone with even the merest amounts of inventiveness.

>>13382562
And in almost all cases, this is noticeable immediately, so the "seemingly" part doesn't hold either.

>>13382492
>use with pain immunity

Welp.

The Hasted Knitting Needles

These knitting needles allow a character to be hasted, but only when they are in the act of knitting, and only while the player's life is threatened.

Did someone steal something in this thread?

By which I mean YOU VIOLATED THE LAW

This has all been a huge help to my treasure hunting game.

Bag of Beholding: A pocket-sized bag, that when opened, a 1:20 scale Beholder pops out

A stick that always smells a little bit odd.

A headband which, when worn, slowly replaces the wearers memories with ones that are identical, except they're being narrated by Jeremy Irons.

>>13383000
I'd kill my grandmother with my father's severed dick to have that item in real life.

>>13382950
Suddenly, Mini-Beholders everywhere.

>>13383018
Like a swarm of horrible, horrible bees.

>>13383000

WANT

>>13383000
>instrument unfill

you took the words right out of my mouth, capatcha.

if i had jeremy irons in my head constantly, i think i would last about 2 hours before dashing my skull open to make the hurting stop.

Pendant of Pretentiousness. Gives you the hoity-toity accent of a foreign noble (think snooty Frenchman / Englishman). Does not actually enable you to understand or speak their language. Accent disappears once pendant is removed, you are cursed with the drawl of an ignorant country bumpkin for the next few hours.

Purse of Infinite Greed
-Any coin placed inside this item disappears forever.

Festering Sword
-This is an infected weapon. Any sword it touches is transformed into a Festering Sword. It is identical to a standard sword except for a faint odor of decay.

Miniature Lighthouse
-A model of a lighthouse with an ever-burning beacon light. It attracts stormy weather.

The Dark Lord Kamastamille, Fiend of Stubul
-This is a small dog. It smells of brimstone and has faintly-glowing red eyes. It is otherwise indistinguishable from a normal dog.

Bastard-ball
-A hovering silver sphere that gravitates toward individuals whose parents were not married at the time of their conception.

Ioun Chamber Pot
-This chamber pot orbits its owner's head at all times.

Half-wit Bit
-A small, multicolored construct that can float and follows its owner. It can only say "Yes" and will do so in response to any question.

FATAL Ointment
-Enlarges any orifice to which it is applied. Effect lasts 2300d10000 picoseconds.

Grogon's Eye
-Turns any alcoholic drink within line-of-sight to stone.

Picasso Ring
-When worn, makes your facial features appear to be oddly placed.

Criminal Scum
-A bucket of pond scum. Town guards seem to be drawn to whoever carries it.

>>13380360
Give the item to a nun and tell her its cursed and it should remain in the cathedral vault so no demons can get it.

Ownership is who is in charge, not who's holding it. Then politely advance upon the nun as a love interest.

You didn't specify what sort of impulses they are.

>>13383386

If I had an evil lair, I'd keep one of those model lighthouses in it.

>>13383408
That might be the craftiest plot to get with a nun I've ever read.

This seems like the perfect place for a Captcha artifact.

Wormy Lestat

A race of vampires long forgotten by legend.
This evil dwells deep underground and only enters the human realm when it rains, slithering up to the surface they crawl from the ground in worm form to feast on the blood of anyone walking around without shoes on.

>>13383545
>Seemingly useless magical items

But everyone else seems to have ignored it, so whatever. Why can't we just have a magic items and spells thread?

Quim Adjurama

A simple power word to turn any bodypart of the opponent into a quim

A small twisted peice of metal that acts as a cloak pin. It is nigh indestructible but cannot be worn on "luxury" materials (such as silk).

A large waterhorn that never bursts or sours the contents.

A broken tea set that still functions as if it were newly made. It also hisses if there is homemade cake nearby.

A mirror that always reflects the owners face, no matter how far away he is.

>>13383580

Get one of those mirrors, keep it somewhere near important people such as family. They'll be able to see if you're sleeping, awake, hurt (at least in the face) or dead no matter where you are.

>>13383604

So they'd have the health meter from DOOM in their living room?

Small Troll Doll - A small doll made of frayed cloth in the rough shape of a troll. Holding this item imbues the user with the sense that they are a slight bit bigger than they are.

>>13382286
What's that Inspector? Me? At the scene of the crime? No sir I stay out of trouble, my fingerprints would have been everywhere if I had done it correct? You were there as well, I clearly had no gloves.

>>13383386 
The eye thingy could take out a whole room if ya used while people were in mid drink. 
 
Also stop bitching abou "not seemingly useless enough" unless you post the use you had in mind. No need to for overly obvious near infinite uses such as and indestructible shield.
 

Pendant of Poison State. It glows if you have just failed your save vs. poison.

Purse of Conversion. This small pouch changes any gold coins placed inside into silver coins.

Amulet of What the Fuck Is That? Misshapen amulet appears to represent some sort of weird... thing. It's impossible to get a good grasp of its exact dimensions, and its geometry may not be entirely Euclidean. Regardless, people stop and stare at it, asking what the fuck it is. Unfortunately, you don't know.

The car door of cooling: When near the character with the lowest int in the group, opening the window allows them to believe there is a cool breeze blowing through.

The box of want: Whatever is in the box, it is the most valuable and important thing you have ever laid your eyes on. You will do anything to have whatever's inside it.
(Slightly less useless, but I felt it would require a bit of imagination to both realise that the box is magical and using it well.)

> Seemingly useless magical items
I don't think tg understood what that meens.

>>13388962

>useless
>magical items
>useless
>imagination

Yeah, it'll never happen.

>>13388869
Hmmm

>>13389263
grats on the reference. Now where does the other artefact come from?

Portable Mud Puddle. It's like a portable hole, only it's very shallow and always filled with mud.

A mouse with a dog's brain.

Ok,, not an item. But fuck you too.

Ball of Bouncing. It keeps bouncing to the same height. If something obstructs its bounce, it tapers off like a normal ball.

Hidden Sceptor:
Every time they use it, it opens into an alternate present where the mirror images of the party stand on the other side and look at them quizically for a moment, activate their own device and cause the rift to close.
Each time they do this, the mirror party has some random thing on them, like cowboy hats, or mustaches (or no mustache if a party member has one).

darkball - this magical ball hovers and follows the user around, it absorbs all light within 30ft, it can only be during the day

(hmm, whats that giant black hole walking towards me)

>>13390470
This can be incredibly useful. It isn't even seemingly useless or useless unless the user has some imagination.

A book that when activated turns into a scroll.

I think Oglaf has the monopoly on this stuff.

Well of Doubt, Arrow of Regret, etc.

i'm going to make a table of this, for all of us

>>13390648
bumping to see if you do, a friend needs to reroll and he wants to be a crafting wizard so a few of these items will come in handy

>>13390244

perpetual motion

a coin, when flipped, always lands the side you dont want it to land on

table

>>13391169
Sweet. Now my next campaign can really confuse everybody.

>>13380520
I'LL TAKE 20!

>>13391169
That's a list, not a table, you jack-hole.

Also, thanks.

>>13391223
you enter a room, it is filled with shelves containing hundereds of different trinket-like items, what do you do...

>>13391335
fuck you, at least I actually kept my word on something

plus its 3:10 here, tiredness is to blame

>>13391169
>24. A glove that becomes extremely heavy if worn while stealing something
>Mass produce this item
>Distribute to the poor of various cities
>Cities have epidemic of 16+ Str Rogues

>>13391438
>>13391169
>30. ... Picture somewhat related
Swing and a miss, list-maker.

>>13391465
>26 and 33 are the same thing

>>13391483
>41 not capitalized

>>13391531
>47 whoever wrote this is stupid

Invisible gloves- capable of turning one's hands completely invisible when worn. Unfortunately, the effect ends at the wrist.

(For maximum uselessness, make the gloves themselves opaque)

(Gift horse. Mouth. Look in it much?)

Thanks for the table, man. I'll put it to good use.

>>13392010
Fuck you too, nigger.

It's more like "magical items that require a little creativity and imagination to be useful" than actually useless, but I've never seen a set of these (and I've looked at a lot) that was truly useless.

Good thread.

WHY AIN't yall niggaz be postin this this warhammer/mtg/dnd/evangelion thread?

A flask of phlogiston. It can be used to light fires, or if placed in a bowl it will act as a small camp fire. Produces 6 ounces a day.

This isn't remotely useless, but I like it.

Glasses that switch what is seen in each eye. So you see on your left with your right eye, and on your right with your left eye.

A coffee mug that always refills its self once emptied with an exact replica of the coffee that was once in it.

"In the cold dead hand of the skeleton you see a small mug with what appears to be filled with still hot coffee..."

postmodern literature

>>13394281

"In the cold dead hand of the skeleton you see a small mug with what appears to be filled with spiders..."

>>13394281
....Is that Stan Lee? What anime was HE in?

>>13395201

Heroman.

he's also seen committing seppuku in the first few pages of Mechanical Boy Ultimo.

>>13395225

forgot my image.

>>13395225
Wow, and now I know Stan Lee does anime too.

A book that constantly bleeds when you open it. Nothing inside, it just bleeds.

A necklace which grants berserk strength, but only when the wearer is sleeping.

>>13395313
Think of the amount of trouble you'd go through to identify something like that.

A small vial of sand, the grains of which are guaranteed to sparkle in the corner of a viewers eye. You ever see a flash in the corner of your eye, then look only to realize it was just the light reflecting off a sparkle on the ground? They will always do that.

A noose that always snaps when you try to hand someone with it, then reforms.

Remember, SEEMINGLY useless.