OK, get this: one time I had a twenty-sided dice, and I dropped it on the table, and it bounced around a bit and the side with a 20 on it was on top when it came to rest!

>met [soon to become] wife at work
>take her out a few times
>take her back to my place
>up till 3am
>she and i date for a few years
>get married
3 on 3d6! woo!

>>9898149
/thread

>driving in rain, high-way onramp is bumpy and sloped.
>car hydroplanes, begins to spin
>Natural 20
>perfect 360, traction regained, no damage to car.

>>9898149

Well, I can't beat that.

I once avoided death by inches when a car almost hit me. If i had noticed the car a MOMENT later, i might not be typing this.

I guess it was a Natural 20 on Reflex Save.

>>9898180
>Driving in snow
>Take offramp, tail end starts to slide out from under car
>Natural 20
>Perfectly drift that shit

Getting dumped off my bike and sliding harmlessly into a tree should count as a natural 20.

>Pokemon Ruby
>encountered Rayquaza
>threw Great Ball right at the beginning, without weakening it at all
>one-hit capture

I also caught Groudon in a Net Ball... that was one lucky game.

>coming home from a 40k league
>come to a busy 4-way intersection
>get green light
>car zooms through the red light
>Natural 20 Reflex Save
>slam on the breaks just in time
>it sails right in front of my car

>Aunt's birthday
>Make a Boston cream pie, her favorite dessert
>Cut her a slice after dinner
>Takes a bite "This is FUCKING good!"
>My aunt normally doesn't swear
>Says it's better than the ones she's had at the Parker House Hotel.
>Nat 20 Craft: Cake

Nat 20 Charisma check to convince the girl of my dreams to date me... then I fucking botched it 3 months later when she found she couldn't be happy in a relationship, despite everything going right...

>>9898247
She only said that because she loves you.

Call your Auntie, she misses you.

>brother hits me in the head with a rock
>roll saving throw vs. death
>natural 20
>narrowly misses the thinnest part of my skull
>half damage

>>9898252

Guess she rolled a Natural 1 on her Bluff check.

>biking around, ground is wet
>hit pothole, wheel bends and throws me off
>land in standing position
>truck gives me a close shave
natural 20 on acrobatics roll

>Driving at 100KPH in rain on Motorbike
>Car pulls out in front 1/2 Km from blind road
>roll relfex to break/skid-Nat 20
>roll balance check-Nat 20
>stop bike directly parallel to the car
>knock on window
"Use your blinker next time"

>Attend collegiate a cappella festival
>Meet girls from another school at afterparty
>Invite entire female a cappella group back to my apartment for sake
>Have sex until 6am

Natural 20 Seduction, I would expect.

In Tal Afar, Iraq dump truck charges through barricade, I piss myself cause I turn and see Mack truck death incoming. . . Iraqi army guardsman headshots driver through windshield who keels over flipping truck on its side grinds to a halt 10 meters from me. Dump truck full of ammonium nitrate rigged to explode with gravel layered throughout.

>Climbing a tree
>Branch broken.
>Natural 20
>Land on another tree.
Is this right?

>>9898316

Yeah, that works.

>1 lightning bolt left in deck
>enemy at 3 life
>he has an emrakul on the field and I have no creatures 2 lands and no hand left
>top deck lightning bolt and win

>>9898252

That's no botch, the DC was just too high.

Either that, or you can't use manipulation skills on other PCs...

>cutting pizza
>natural 1
>place plate only half on the table and send it flying when trying to cut on the wrong end
>natural 20
>plate makes a 360° flip and lands savely in my hands, the pizza still intact

>>9898330

Natural 20 Luck Check?

>playing baseball
>pitching
>has the batter pelt one straight at me with all his might
>don't have time to bring glove up in time.
>put my hand up to block the ball
>snags the ball out of the air when the ball slams into my palm.
>later told that it looked like I just calmly plucked the ball out of the air.

nat 20 with a follow on 20 for coolness.

>>9898351
with 43 cards left in the deck it was indeed

>Someone throws a ball at me
>I do not notice
>Roll 20 to reflex
>Stretch out arm and catch ball on accident

>riding in the middle of the back seat of friend's Mustang without seat belts
>friend hits a Honda head-on at 60 mph
>Natural 20
>front seats catch my shoulders and hold me in place; not a scratch on me.

>>9898330
That's not a natural 20.

That's the heart of the cards.

>Pinned down in a building in Iraq
>Being fired on by two forward positions
>Managed to catch a glimpse of where one of the forward enemy target's position.
>Throw a frag grenade with only a slight idea where the enemy is
>brought entire building complex down on top of both positions stopping the insurgence from overtaking our position.

One of the scariest moments of my life.

>post on 4chan
>somehow manage to still meet a girl and get laid
natural 20 charisma opposed roll, followed by natural 20 bluff check and natural 20 luck roll.

>Driving through intersection in rural town at 1:00am
>Drunk driver comes speeding out of nowhere at like 80km/hour on an intercept course
>Natural 20 on my reflex save
>Peddle to the metal
>Felt force of car going by, did not get hit
>Shit brix

>>9898387
How fucking big was your grenade?!

>Brother hits me in a spine with a sharp pointed brick
>Fort natural 20
>1 second stun
>chasing him down the street
>win Constitution check for fatigue
>beat the crap of him

never had a natural 20 moment, but id gladly keep my 17-19 range with lots of modifiers streak, thank you

>>9898387
>taking a building down with a frag grenade
I think you mean secret hideout made of leaves

>>9898387
Are you the same dude as >>9898308? Because man, you should write mission scripts for Modern Warfare or something.

>>9898387

You deserve a medal, soldier.

>little league game. i am ten
>playing short stop in a tournament game
>batter makes a sharp hit that hits the ground near the mound and bounces towards me
>my glove is on my left hand and i won't be able to catch it with the mitt because of the direction
>shoot out my right arm and catch it directly in my hand
>tossed it to first for the out

>>9898433
>Modern Warfare

RAMIREZ, TAKE THIS HAND GRENADE AND CONQUER RUSSIA FOR ME

>Leaving work on new motorcycle, want to show off
>take sharp corner at speed
>Foot peg hits floor due to speed
>Bike doesn't want to right
>Natural 20
>Twist throttle at right moment, bike rights itself
>Told later that that was fucking awesome, sparks flew everywhere
Nat 20 Ride(Motorcycle) check followed by Nat 20 Bluff check

Hit black ice in turn on motorcycle
bike slides out from under me.
Place right foot down, lift left leg over top of bike, let go of handle bars
Do massive slide around turn on feet. end up in exaggerated tada pose.
Bike is horrible wreck wrapped around tree.
i completed turn and burned the bottom of my shoes off.

I have hard time comprehending what happened there. But I definitely nat 20'd something

>>9898418
Standard Infantry U.S. Issued Fragmentation Grenade.

Evidently it landed on a weakened structural support and the collapse of the first building collapsed the second. I didn't get to see it for more than a second or two because I was trying to keep my head down.

>>9898433

Nope. Not me.

>Out dirt biking with a friend.
>Accepts stupid challenge to steep hill as fast as I can
>Charges hill and zooms up it.
>Comes off the lip at full speed like a ramp
>Flys like I'm in a supercross video straight into a pine tree.
>rolls 20 on motorcycling skill/luck
>Flys right between two HUGE branches that either one would have stopped me cold in mid air.
>rolls 20 on motorcyling skill again
>Does perfect textbook landing at full speed still while completely blinded after getting slapped in the face by pine needles while flying through the tree.

>>9898466

That's gotta be at least like, 3 Reflex Saves.

>Driving home from work in the rain
>try to stop car at a round about
>car in front of me, my car doesn't even slow, starts hydroplaning.
>no way I can stop before hitting car
>Despite having never been told what to do, instinctivly take foot of break, go straight for a split second then manage to turn out of the lane missing the car in front by inches.
>Natural fucking 20
>There was a motorcyclist in my blindspot when I did this, not that I checked before panicing and careening out of my lane
>Killed the motorcylcist. Not sure if natural one
>Get off charge of manslaughter due to inexperience, and the fact that there was apparently oil or some shit from trucks on the road. Don't even lose points off my license.
>natural fucking twenty
>Have to live with the fact that I killed a 19 year old for the rest of my life. Failed san role. san table rolled depression.
>want to reroll character

>>9898454
Russia? Nigga is you crazy? You need to conquer the WORLD.

>>9898454
How would that work?!

>>9898495
Sounds fun, anon. We don't get the same kind of elevation on pedal-powered bikes.

> Finish my beer can
> Crumble it up and toss it
> Bounces along the edge of the waste basket twice
> Falls in
> Bow to nobody else but my cat, it looks at me like "Dude.. wtf?"

I'll repeat the one from the last of these threads I posted in:

>driving home in the rain.
>microburst hits highway
>My cars front 2 wheels pop in the air from downdraft, keep control.
>car behind me not so lucky, loses control and is hurled into semi in the next lane.
>semi loses control, jack knifes into my lane.
>accelerate around semi, missing it by inches.
>3rd car out of nowhere trying to avoid Semi comes right at me.
>jink into emergency lane and start hydroplaning
>Keep it under control and slide back onto highway, regain full control and keep driving.
>massive car accident behind me.
>this was at 75 mph, whole thing took less then 3 seconds.

>>9898500
I'm either a dmpc, or i avoided dm fiat plot death with

Nat 20
No, roll again
nat 20
AGAIN
20.
Fine, fuck, you survive and the sessions over for today asshole.

One time back in middle school, some bully was trying to start shit with me, I got pissed and punched him square in the forehead.. Which made him recoil back and hit the back of his head on the wall too.

So he starts coming at me, then just stops.. hunches over and pukes right there. Cusses me out and stumbles away.

Fuck year.

>>9898509
Dude, that is a major downer. I'd offer you a platitude or a soothing rationalization, but I'm sure you've already considered most of them by this point anyway.

>>9898509

He was a motorcyclist. He knew the risks.

>>9898567
Quiet, faggot.

>>9898572
What?
It both makes the motorcyclist look like a badass for knowing what he was getting into, and makes the poster feel less bad about murdering some grieving mother's son with whom she spent 19 years of her life caring for.

>>9898515
Ban evasion reported.

7 years old
Go biking down massively inclined slope
Don't see the car speeding out of the complex
veer a few degrees, hit car rather than vice-versa
fly OVER said car, land on knee and roll

final casualties - bike rim totaled. Car door has dent that could hold a gallon of water. Child has minor road rash to his knee

I look back on this and feel so very awesome

>>9898546
and he was captain of the debate club, and volunteered helping the homeless, he had a loving girlfriend and they were planning on getting married. He'd just gotten accepted to harvard. He wasn't going to just waste all his time browsing /tg/. Things were going great, he was going to achieve great things, decided to go out for a quick ride, relax a bit and breathe deeply of the sweet air.

Even in his death he accomplished more than the faggot who ran him over, his organ donor card saved at least 3 lives.

>>9898567
Admittedly, it was raining, so he should have been on guard, but it sounds like there was nothing he could have done to avoid it.
From the killer's point of view, it was either the motorcyclist or possibly him and the guy infront of him (inertia is a bitch).

>Replacing soap canister in Hotel Kitchen
>toss empty soap canister in garbage
>unscrew cap from new canister, toss it into trash
>Natural 20
>New cap lands on old canister

>Driving at work on my forklift
>Driving backwards, two pallets, each filled with 4 200 liter barrels of liquid Resin
>Stupid biker comes up right behind me out of no-where (was between two cars I later figured)
>Ram my brakes
>Nat 20 Luck
>Barrels Jiggle but stay on
>Drive on, scared as fuck, suddenly big ass truck where I have the right of way.
>Jerk my steering-wheel to the left, to the right
>Nat 20
>Barrels remained standing.

Needless to say I got out of that forklift shaking.. fucking people learn to DRIVE. Fffuuck.

>>9898627
Actually, no, all his organs were ruined in the accident, well, all except for his liver, which was given to someone who was later that year, arrested for paedophilia.

>get home from >>9898241
>have been smoking
>dad often smells my hair when I get home to check if I've been smoking
>try to sneak in without him noticing
>fail my Luck Check
>door is locked
>he opens it for me
>Natural 20 Reflex Save
>tell him about the almost-accident
>in his shock he forgets to check me
>escape without a lecture

Whew.

>>9898670
Shouldn't be smoking, son.

Brother (1) finds d6
Don't care - "put it anywhere"
Brother (1) throws d6
Hits bunk bed railing
hits my head and bounces
hits brother (2)'s head and bounces
hits blacklight being kept for friend
blacklight shatters on impact
...
in retrospect, maybe more of a natural 1. but it was still really cool.

Rolled a natural 1 a few times:
-Going off a ski jump and attempting the first trick of my life
>Tips of my skis get caught on the end of the jump and my ascent is brutally caught short and I smash facedown at the bottom of the jump. Can't breathe for a minute.

-Practicing a golf swing in the front yard
>Finally get a good swing going, my little brother runs out the front door of the house and runs up behind me. I backswing and smash him in the face with a 5-iron. I miss his eye socket by less than half an inch. At least I didn't drive the ball through the neighbor's window.

>6 or 7 years old
>riding bike down road
>natural 1, wipeout
>launched over handlebars and land face first into asphalt road
>wipeout was right in front of house of family friends, who got a natural 20 on their spot check and saw whole thing
>help arrives intently

I didn't roll the natural 20, but someone else's natural 20 came in handy here. Could say that my natural 20 was that I happened to wipeout right in front of family friends who saw it.

>>9898663
YOU DEPRESS ME :(

>Be white and unathletic
>Toss ball of paper into the air, hits the ceiling, bounces off the wall
>Black guy makes a joke
>I point out the paper fell right into the box
>Get style points

>12 years old
>me and friend make ramp out of bricks and sheet of plywood at the bottom of HUUUUUUUUUGE hill
>friend rides up, I check ramp
>nat 20 bluff, tell friend he can totally make it but he has to hit it at MAXIMUM SPEED
>friend careens down, hits ramp perfectly
>ramp EXPLODES (lol stacked shit, nothing holding it together
>Friend gets immediately thrown almost 15 feet, over the side of the road, and into fuckhuge blackberry patch

>>9898260
Her birthday was only two weeks ago, and I see her every weekend when I visit my parents. Plus everyone else was giving me praise for my cake crafting skills.

> Working loss prevention at retail store.
> Pair of thugs trying to push-out cart of unpaid merchandise.
> Stand near door in uniform with trenchcoat on.
> Take off coat, take out cuffs when thugs get within 20 feet.
Nat 20 bluff
> Thugs abandon cart, leave.

Joke's on them, that was really my only recourse against theft. Corporate wouldn't let me apprehend shoplifters on my own.

>>9898644

I had one of those.

>Fucking around on forklift with a cardboard bail on the forks
>Slam on brakes, nat 1
>Toss the bail end over end
>nat 20
>Bail lands centered on another pallet

>>9898709

Oh, is it nat 1 time?

>Riding bike down a hill
>Hit dirt hill jump, nat 20
>launched through the fucking air
>nat 1 riding check
>bike goes over top of me midair, I land face-first on pavement 1' from soft grass, bike lands on top of me

>mountain biking
>nat 1 ride check
>cut corner too sharp, start falling off trial and down steep slope
>nat 1 reflex save
>bail off the wrong side of the bike, launching me through the air
>burn fate
>tree stops me in midair. I fall to the ground, instead of falling the remaining 100' or so down the cliff

>Make healthy meals
>Broiled chicken for the last month
>Wonder how I can make it taste interesting after so long
>add spices from the spice rack
>Mom says mint will be too strong
>add it anyway
>Broil that motherfucker
>Give mom a bite
>"Wow, this is good"
Just last night, I decided to add some O'Charley's honey mustard, and ranch dressing, despite the chicken having marinated in '30 minute' marinade for about a week.
My God, I am a Master Chef.

>driving to work right after 8 inches of snowfall
>road isn't plowed at all
>maybe going a little too fast
>spin out, headed right toward one of those fish mailboxes where you put the mail in the fish's mouth
>natural 20
>stop with my tail end (I started out facing the other way) literally 3 inches away from said mailbox
>keep going to work

fuckyeah.jpg

Natural ones rolled by me

>Call dad to come inside.
>Hold door at the 'crack'
>Door slams shut
>Nat 1
>Fingers inbetween

>Playing around in the woods, see old army depot
>Crawl under barbed wire
>Nat 1
>Barbed wire in ground, hidden, put my arms and chest right into it
>Nat 1
>Stand up, barbed wire in back.

Looked like a mess, also this is when I was seven, my mom screamed like a banshee. My dad, nat20, "Get the iodine and some band-aids", he cleaned me up good.

>Walking with friend
>Nat 1 spot check
>Walk straight into a light post, break off piece of my tooth.

Alkisik military training base, Iraq. At laundry. Hear two Iraqis arguing in French. The boss is mad his worker has been stealing clothes. Natural 20 on comprehend languages. . . Synergy bonus from high school latin

>>9898785
I read that
>I am a Master Chief

>Riding motorcycle down motorway at 70mph
Natural 1 Resist Tiredness
>Fall asleep while doing 70mph
>Wake up to police sirens
>Look next to me
>Police car flagging me down
>Pull over
>Told that they had been following me for 5 minutes, no idea how long I'd been asleep.

Natural 20, Ride(Motorcycle) while asleep.

>>9898777

Nice triples

And a good story as well

Also another one,

>Driving forklift at another job, very high up
>Wooden boards, WET forks (bad idea)
>Drive backwards, suddenly loud honk
>Slam breaks, watch the entire stack 200 or so, shift right, nearly fall off. Seriously just an inch.
>Nat20
>Pull it down, look at who honked
>Was my friend being funny

>>9898820
lmao how much was your ticket?

>>9898820

Did he ticket you, or just tell you to sleep it off before you got back on the bike?

>driving VW van on rainy highway in SoCal
>car in front of me brakes, so I brake to avoid
>rolled 20's for reflex, and luck
>car behind me careens across three lanes to avoid me, hits a car in each lane
>cars and trucks behind those cars hit each other
>all I see in rear-view is a massive wreck-fest of 75 vehicles
>watched on TV when I got home about a multi-car wreck that closed I-5 North for a few hours on a Sunday afternoon between San Diego and LA
>not a scratch on my van
>rolled 20 for stealth
>no-one ever knew I was there

>Confront purse snatcher with centerpunch while unarmed
>CRACKHEAD used STAB!
>Nat 20 Parry
>Confront purse snatcher armed with centerpunch

>come out of locker room back door
>suddenly remember I forgot something inside
>bolt for the door as it closes (it doesn't open from the outside)
>Natural 1 Reflex Save
>friend kicks the door open from the inside
>run right into it
>bangs into my knee
>sends me sprawling across the floor
>puts me out of commission for the next week

>Scratch some paint off my dads car
>some gets stuck under my nail, hurts like a bitch
>he takes me to hospital where they remove it
>I fail my con roll and get golden staff under my thumbnail
>three days later I'm screaming in pain and I'm taken back to the hospital
>Doctors have to rip off my fingernail and scrape off the golden staff manually because nothing else can kill it
>Natural twenty, it actually fucking works, doctors say not one in 100 would have kept their hand/arm at the point it was at
>Con roll fail, I'm alergic to general anesthetic
>Spend 2 weeks in hospital not being able to eat or get out of bed.
>HR Puff and stuff marathon on TV the entire time, I fucking loved it
>finally get out of hospital, parents are going away on holiday to the snow.
>Roll a 20 on a bluff check, say I am fine to go.
>left arm in bandages, can't get wet.
>still tripped the fuck out because of my reaction to the anesthetic
>Best skiing holiday ever

I Tried to watch hr puff and stuff later when I wasn't so out of it and hated it.

>Walk up to door at work
>Nobody around, be a 'cop' kick open the door
>Hot girl from PR office at other end
>Nat 20
>Break her nose and knock her out cold.
>Prop her up and leave her inside the factory then bolt
>Nat 20

Nobody ever figured out it was me.

>>9898864
what?

Not me, but my dad.
>Driving ammunition for the Army in Iraq during the first push in 2003.
>See Iraqi aiming an RPG at his HEMTT.
>Hits brakes.
>Natural 20
>Rocket passes less than a foot from the front windshield.
>Natural 20
>Headshots Iraqi from the HEMTT window aiming awkwardly using his left arm as a brace. He is left-handed.

>Little brother and I are playing pirates
>I have antique pistol, brother has INCREDIBLY SHARP boning knife in sheath
>brother mimes throwing knife
>nat 1 perform
>knife is hurled from sheath and straight at my head
>nat 20 luck
>knife hits head hilt-first

>>9898846
centerpunch?

>>9898833
>>9898836
2 points on my license, £20 fine for "Driving without due care and attention" Told to go to the nearest hotel and sleep it off.

>>9898885

>american wishful thinking

>>9898918
Granted, I wasn't there. But he's not really the type to make shit up.

>>9898907

Dude, that's fucking child's play. If ze Germans had caught you doing that, they would've pistol-whipped you. Hell, the fine would've been 20x that in the states.

When I was 11, I threw a basketball with both hands from half court behind my head and swished it first try.

>go into a coffee store, ordering coffee, friendgirl is watching our stuff outside at our table
>five jolly black fellows walk up, tell her to fuck off, and start rummaging through our things before moving it to the another table and sitting down
>they throw her parfait at her
>me and my friend show up
>friend calmly explains that we'd better get our things back
>natural 20 bluff
>black people empty pockets
>"And the rest of it?"
>natural 20 bluff
>the rest of it, including my flash drive, ends up on the table
>Thanks.
>Walk up to table, collect things, set parfait in the center of the table
>"One more thing."
>Slam fist down on parfait
>natural 20 strength
>parfait and the plastic cup it was in explodes, sending plastic shrapnel all about (into one of their eyes) and covering everyone in yogurt (except my friend, and only my hand got covered)
>roll for initiative
>black fellow stands up, takes a pop at me
>rolls a natural one, fumbles around, swings nowhere near me
>grapple, natural 20
>pick him up by his neck and hoist him over my shoulder
>throw him across the table
>the rest of them scurry off

Flawless victory.

>On bus, sipping a slurpee, friend jostles me hard telling joke, drink goes flying
>Lunge after it, catch, grip shoots it out of hand again
>Frantically juggle the damn thing down the length of the bus
>Finally catch the damn thing by the base just before the driver
>Looks like I'm proffering it to a woman who just got on
>Whole bus erupts into cheers and clapping
>Chick sips it, I get number

>>9898385
>5

>>9898903
It's a tool for breaking windows. Literally, that's what it's made to do. Many are spring loaded, and will launch the tip out a few inches when they hit something.

>>9898932
As I had been, and I quote "Driving perfectly well" they wouldn't have caught me if my head remained upright.
As it was, the cops were more amused than anything. Nat 20 Luck there, I guess.

>>9898884

Blah, meant golden staph. The particular strain I had was resistant to anitbiotics pretty much completely. So they had to rip of my nail and scrape it off.

If that hadn't have worked it would have spread and they would have had to amputate something to cause me not to die.

I was alergic to the stuff they used to knock me out, and I was all fucked up. Managed to get my parents to take me skiing even though I was still pretty much fucked up and had only just started eating/gotten off an iv drip.

>Playing pool at a party with some random guy.
>Fail a shot and blame it on my lazy eyes.
>Guy makes a shot and asks how I got lazy eyes.
>Roll a mediocre Preform Put-down and say
>"Got my first one from fucking your mother"
>Guy misses his shot. I start lining up for my turn.
>He shakes off the put-down then asks how I got the other
>Nat 20 preform put-down and Nat 20 dex for my shot.
>"I didn't learn my lesson by the next morning.

>>9898981

Yeah, you caught a cop that actually understands and appreciates teh lulz, so long as no one gets hurt.

>>9898136
>thinks smoking is cool
>thinks he did something impressive

confirmed as 12-year old

my dad's story

>decide to shoot cigarettes out of each others' mouths with a bow and arrow
>my uncle goes first with the arrow; my dad with the cigarette in mouth
>uncle rolls 1 athletics
>dad rolls 20 luck, 1 reflex
>arrow goes off-course and plants in my dad's shoulder
>they conspire to pull the arrow out to avoid getting in trouble from parents
>both roll 20 luck, 20 stealth, and my dad rolls a 20 con
>dad's arm heals up: grandparents never find out

Dad told me the story when I asked him about the weird scar in his shoulder.

>>9898968

I lol'd. Not that it wouldn't WORK, but...

>>9899015

What? I thought the stunt was cool. I didn't mention smoking being cool.

>>9899024

Damn that must have hurt like a bitch..

>natural 20 on strenght
>shat into OPs mouth
>OP ate all of my shit
>OP died in cancer at his mothers funeral in a stroke, convulsing and shrieking in pain
>no one ever gave him a fuck
>died as virgin

FUCK YEAH

>>9899035
Assuming a sporting arrow, it wouldnt be that hard to remove. thank god it wasnt a hunter's arrow.

>>9898932

He got let off for being awesome.

>>9899052
Christ, how can someone this retarded use a keyboard?

>Interview for Market Research position
>Nat 20 Bluff, lie through my teeth while dropping buzz words
>Get hired, learn on job, read software manuals the night before needing them
>Now director of market research

>>9899078
PROMOTIONS!

>>9899078
Fcuk, you bastard, thats awesome.

I have a stupid one from last night

>do you hear that?
>what I don't hear anything?
>god damn that's annoying, what IS that?
>dude, you're hearing stuff.

Friend in other room is making a trollface and blowing into a dog whistle.

nat 20 listen?

>>9899034
>Stunt

dead god. Dear god. 50 years ago I'd beat the ever living shit out of you for such blatant faggotry.
And I would have been praised

>>9899078

>>9899091
he mad

>>9899105
>Mad

confirmed as 12-year old
opinion invalidated
gb2 /b/

>>9899078

Maybe I should lie a lot more on job applications, fuck 2-5 years experience.

Yet a different poster with an Iraq story.

Standing on a roof taking down an antenna at night. Hear a round whiz by my head less than two feet to my right. Realize it's friendly fire. Get in cover and finish taking down antenna. Sprint down stairs and back inside while still being shot at by friendlies, rounds impacting on concrete, chips of it hitting me in the neck and back. Get inside, get on radio, and get the firing to stop.

Nat 20 luck, followed by multiple Nat 20 Ref saves.

Fob Sykes, Iraq. Playing halo against Special Forces sniper team training my Iraqis. Me and my terp win in shotgun sniper blood gulch deathmatches for 2 hours straight. Nat twenty on bluff " No my interpreter has never played before" he was a Canadian from Toronto

>>9899091

Chill out, man.

>>9899078

They didn't check your resume at all?

>>9899115
Thou furious

>>9899136
He could've falsified the resume as well.

>>9899116

I have over 20 years experience, and it STILL helps to massage the facts to get a good job.

Everyone else does; why let your honesty put your resume into the circular file?

Roll the die... you never know. The worst that can happen is you don't get hired (or you do get hired and can't live up to your lies).

>>9899149
And they didn't check in with his past employers?

>>9898180

>>9899126
Wait, seriously?
"THERE'S SOMEONE ON THE ROOF, TAKING DOWN THE ANTENNAE!"
"SHIT, IT COULD BE ANYONE, LET'S SHOOT FIRST AND ASK QUESTIONS LATER!"

to many people riding bikes in this thread

>>9899191
>to

>>9899072

you mad OP?

keep chewing my shit, you may found some corn specks in it

>>9899151
>>9899149

Exactly. I knew I had the brains to do it, got some friends to fake 1 employment history count and former bosses to upsell me and I was set. It's why interviews are so important. Employers aren't generally STUPID and can pick out idiots, so if you can bluff them, you will generally be quick enough to do the job anyways.

>>9899216

Actually, I'm the OP. That was someone else.

>>9899189

Maybe they tried the radio to ask if anyone was playing with an antennae and he couldnt hear/respond since his radio was apprently downstairs?

Slipped in mud, did an almost curl-up while airborne and land back on my feet and out of the mud puddle. Another was catching a tennis ball as it almost hit me in the face.

>>9899189

Americans *are* notorious for friendly fire.

>Elementary school friend and I are playing at beach on west coast. Notice stream that had somehow cut through beach and was flowing into ocean. Notice stream is going wicked fast into ocean, and sand is visibly eroding from the banks of the beach into stream. Start jumping on sand at edges of stream and then jumping back just before it falls into stream. Roll Nat 1 Acrobatics check. Don't jump back quickly enough. Clinging to bank of stream. Friend Rolls Nat 20 and pulls me up before I fall in. If I had fallen in, I would have got sucked out to sea (weren't supposed to swim on this particular beach because of rip currents) plus the water was close to freezing. God I was a stupid kid.

>Used to being bullied in elementry school
>other kids start throwing rocks at me
>Turn around, catch one, the other bouncing off my parka harmlessly
>wordlessly glare at them
>they never bother me again

Nat 20 intimidate

>>9899237

still mad OP

yum, yum yum, my shit is delicious isnt it?

>>9898663
Clearly the slain motorcyclist was so evil that merely his liver turned a recovering transplant patient into a pedophile.

>Doing washing up after family dinner with sister.
>She drops a pan into the 'drying area' and it lands on the end of a knife i was about to reach for.
>It gets flicked through the air towards her and I grab at it because better my hand than her face.
>Catch handle.

>>9899260
>somehow steam made it to sea

Where the fuck do you think rivers go? Back to the start?

>>9899280

Shouldn't you be some wheres else? Like /b/ or something?

>playing tennis in middle school
>looking away
>look across the net
>tennis ball right in front of my face
>Natural 20 Reflex Save
>bend backwards
>the ball sails right over my face

> Driving down interstate to visit a friend.
> Semi in front of me in the next lane over blows out a tire, huge steel-belted tire fragment flies toward me.
> I slam on brakes and veer into the next lane, luckily unoccupied (nat 20)
> Tire chunk comes so close I still have a skid-mark half an inch above my windshield.
> Pull over to side of road and try to unpucker my ass.

>>9899280

Not really. I mean, this is the internet. What dumbass gets mad on the internet?

>>9899319
Stop Replying
You're being trolled.
Dumbass.

>seven years old
>throw a rock at another kid, perfect shot, breaks two of his teeth.
>go to principal's office
>deny I did it
>get off with no punishment and an apology for making me miss class.

Natural 20s for my ranged attack and my bluff check.

>>9899319
>>9899327

OP samefagging and trying to save face OM NOM NO DELICIOUS SHIT, MUST EAT MORE

>>9898627

haha, faggot deserved to die, I wish he trashed about a little in excruciating pain, screaming and calling his mommy

>>9899327

I don't really mind.

>visiting my grandma in the swamplands
> she asks me to take care of the pests hanging out in the back garden
>turns out to be a crocodile
>strength 20
>jump on the crocodiles back
>swampgass explodes like a volcano and i surf my crocodile to the moon

>toss a loaf of bread bag with the crusts towards the bin from across the kitchen
>fully expect to miss
>only meant to land it near it
>hits the flap of the bin square on
>perfect momentum so it drops at a right angle
>flap shuts just as it falls into the bin
FUUUUUCCKIIING
DID YOU SEE THAT?
DID YOU SEE THAT!?
>no, i was making a cup of tea, what did you do?
FUUUUUUCK

>Me, 5 year old kid, and my cusins at the barn
>Watch oldest cusin do a front flip in the hay
>Am impressed, imitates
>Natural 1
>Land in a sitting position
>Upper body still in forward momentum
>Smash front teeth on knee
>Am male, child version of Cata-chan for the next two years
>Have never whistled that good before or since

Walking along a crosswalk on a windy, stomy day, carrying a shoebox full of models.

Wind picks up and opens the shoebox, which flies out of my hands. Without thinking, I catch the shoebox, and then as the myriad of models within fly through the air, I maneuver the shoebox to catch all of them.

>Eat at local diner
>Brother talking too much
>Flick cherry across the room with spoon
>Land it in his mouth and get him to be quiet
>Random patrons clap
It will never happen again.

>>9899298

less talking, more eating my shit

>>9899431

Ahahahaha! Oh man, that's priceless.

>On bike
>going down a wet hill
>brake
>roll a nat 1
>break cable snaps
>roll nat 1
>fucking car going though intersection as I hurtle through
>get hit by car
>roll nat 20
>whilst still on bike, do two barrel rolls
>ground coming up
>land on my wheels on the other side of the intersection, on the pavement, facing back the way I came
>land beside bike on my feet, still holding the handlebars
>not a scratch on me, bike is fine but for saddle mount getting collapsed
>push mount back upright

>Attempting to cross a floor that I'd just mopped at work.
>Floor is really slick.
>Start to lose balance.
>Nat 20
>Slide twenty feet on one foot before recovering.

>>9899438
Please stop shitting up this thread.

>talking to girl at bar
>she looks away, I grab cherry stem from her drink and tie it into knot
>she looks back just as I pop it into my mouth and say I can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue
>move mouth around, make it look like I'm doing something (bluff check)
>(nat20) pop out tied-up stem, impress girl

to this day I wonder why she didn't ask me to do it all over again, while she watches the whole thing. I suspect she knew I was full of shit and didn't care, but still, that never actually works haha

>hitting punching bag
>throw hay-maker
>bag goes up and hangs in air at horizontal angle
>metal stand distends at top.

natural 20 on unarmed strike. was a lighter bag though, only 75 pounds, stand was kinda crappy metal, still.

also have ripped several phone books in half, not using trick that I have seen online, just simple brute force.

>>9899244
Completely different unit in our area known for being trigger happy.

>>9899189
And actually my radio was down stairs. Once I got inside, my platoon leader got on the horn and got them to stop shooting.

Oh yeah, it was our last night of operations that tour.

>>9899582
I DECLARE SCHENANIGANS

>>9899561

yumm, this shit is so warm and tasty, you must have more

>>9899388
Also

>Me, 9-12'ish years old
>Out biking with my granddad
>Going down hill
>Natural 1 on INT check
>Forgot how to use the fucking brakes
>Smash front wheel on concrete blocks at the bottom of hill
>Natural 1 on Acrobatics
>Sent flying, land flat on a heap of sharp, coarse gravel/rocks
>Natural 1 on Luck
>Bike lands on top of me
>Granddad rolls natural 1 on Empathy
>Granddad pissed at me for not using the brakes

This is not an epic one but made me laugh

>Called infamous retailer in order to get a refund back while some people that had tried before horribly failed and got told to fuck off after being on the phone for 2 hours

>Rolled a natural 20 on diplomacy

>get my refund in 5 minutes, having them apologize profusely.


_______

Here's the good one.

>Call girl over, take her out for ice-cream, she talks about how she just got out of a bad relationship, sick of men. I use diplomacy again

>NATURAL FUCKING 20

>5 minutes later at my house she's in my bed with her breasts out grinding me, despite her totally not being my type


and they say going CHR + diplomancer is a bad idea, pft.

>>9899648
you get nothing, you lose. good day sir.

>Me sitting around with some friends
>One of them drinking a soda and puts the bottle on the table
>I accidently knock it off the table but catch it with my foot
>He picks it up
>He accidently drops it
>My face

>High School Gym Class
>Dodgeball
>Epic reflex save streak against some kid on the other team who just got so pissed that he ran over the midline and tried to hit me with a ball point-blank.
>Natural 20
>Dodge it anyway
>He tries several more times, missing each time. Everyone pisses themselves laughing.
>Later, one of my friends comes by and throws one directly at my head.
>Natural 20
>Lean back and dodge it matrix-style and the lean back into a standing position without falling over.

I either have one hell of a constitution score, or I have a feat that lets me take twenty on any incident that might maim me.

>Riding to school on bike.
>Get waved across intersection by most cars. One doesn't see me though.
>Get run down by FBI agent.
>Nat 20. Not even scratched.

I also seemed to roll some kind of other check perfectly because there were police, an ambulance, and the school principal already at the intersection the moment I got hit. Everyone freaked out horribly. Ready to cart me off to the hospital.

And another natural 20. My dad usually went to work before the sun was even up. That day he could sleep in quite a bit. He just so happened to pull up only moments after I got hit and took me to get x-rays himself.

I could recount my numerous bike mishaps for /tg/.

>riding behind friend.
>he stops
>front tire perfectly meets his back tire.
>flip entirely over his whole bike and land on butt
>freaked out, but not even bruised

And on.. and on.. and on.

All on that one bike too...

Shit. Was it trying to kill me?

>at youth center with friends years ago.
>some dickhead throws pool ball across room.
>make effort to stop friend having her face smashed.
>nat 20 on reflex followed by nat 1 con
>palm shattered as ball hits the back (was facing the wrong way and wrist wouldnt twist far enough)

>ride from library to get lunch
>car flys around corner and hits me
>front of bike is twisted and mangled
>somehow end up in sitting position on now parked cars hood
>ask driver wtf just happened

>asshole throws basketball at 40k table after telling him to play elsewhere.
>breaks 2 stormboys nothing else.
>next day asks me to go drinking
>tell him he's a retard and to get fucked
>jumps me with 2 of his mates
>break jaw as i go down to a tackle and slam his face into concrete, break his friends ancle when he trys to stomp me, other pulls a knife and gets kicked in face, falls and hits head on concrete, out cold.
>friends walk outside as he pulls knife, instead runs at 6-1.

as a young kid when i raced bmx.
>on way home with mates stop by dirt ramp outfront of contruction site.
>go off and get fully airborn, do a superman and then land on seat.
>front wheel bends and i get thrown on landing.
>right leg drags through halfbuild gutter and loose all skin about an inch deep from knee to ancle.
>ride home with 1 leg broken and losing half my blood.
>doctors dont beleive i rode home.

>>9899713

You know, I was never sport centric in high school, but my fucking god, I was always picked first for dodge ball.

I'd promptly be like 3rd last for any other sport though.

Dodgeball is awesome >;3

>>9899637
tis truth my fellow fa/tg/uy have many other stories of badassery, all of them true.

>>9899715
>playing in construction site
>on bike
>had rolled a 1 on test to resist peer pressure
>roll 1 on bike control
>roll 20 on following check to not get hurt

>earlier years.
>still learning to ride properly on two wheels
>forget where breaks are
>hit neighbor's car full on at speed
>not hurt
>but fail roll to not be in trouble with parents.

Set sail for fail!

I'mma ride mah bike!

>>9899713
I had one of those matrix esque runs once. Last one on my team and dodged like 4 times but I couldn't throw to save my life so it was all for naught.

>>9899800

What if you caught the ball, was the other person out?

> make thread
> originally a shitty green text thread
> roll Natural 20
> get 178 posts

>Go to Wal-Mart
>Jump as I hear a loud bang
>Look around, see nobody and assume a car just backed up.
>GM secretly rolls a Nat 20
>Go home after shopping, notice that my leg hurts.
>Assume I just hurt it from the scare
>Get ready for bed
>Leg is bleeding
>Freak out and go to the hospital, some fucker shot me.

Scariest moment of my life really.

>driving on fairly narrow icy side road in winter
>turn a bit too hard, too fast
>start spinning
>recover, facing the opposite way in the proper lane
>wave at family walking by

>>9899713
Had a somewhat similar moment myself

>Run all over the field trying to avoid getting hit
>Attempt to jump to avoid getting hit
>Natural 20
>Catch the ball in mid air
>Throw the ball
>It hits the ceiling then falls down and hits someone on the head
>It counted
>I won the match for my team.

>>9899847
>make thread asking people to commend themselves for stuff
>roll a 10
>act surprised at success

And lest we forget..

>swimman swimman I liek swimman!
>swimming pools are great. having your own is even better!
>Parents roll 1 on check to care enough to check on their only child
>forget about me for six hours
>Parents roll 1 to have enough sense to take child to hospital after their skin breaks out into huge bubbles after a while and child gets horribly sick
>I roll 20 to not die from being POISONED FROM THE SUN AND THIRD DEGREE SUN BURNS AND NOT BEING TAKEN TO A DOCTOR FOR HELP.

Oh I got taken to a doctor.. eventually.. after I actually stopped being sick as a dog, could sleep at night again, and was no longer in so much pain that I couldn't wear cloths. Doc said I should have been taken in right away. Mom sheepishly admits it.

Looking back, I'm shocked this didn't get child services looking at us, but I guess I hadn't actually told the doctor just how sick I had gotten.

>>9899887
While your parents are both horrible retards, why the hell didn't you just get out of the pool and go inside?

>wake up on twenty-first birthday at friend's place
>enjoy a cupcake
>get dragged to friend's party for the eightieth time and find myself, for the eightieth time, his wingman
>realize that "wingman" means that I have to distract the ugly chicks while my friend scores with the two or three hot chicks in the crowd of thirty
>drink lightly
>Natural 1 on Don't Get Drunk check
>proceed to talk about whatever comes to mind
>Natural 20 on raw Charisma check
>manage to capture the attention of twenty out of thirty people with semi-inane chatter
>lose track of what I was saying fifty times over the course of eight hours
>lose track of pants
>wrap self in blanket and continue talking
>Natural 20 on taunting my friend to the partygoers with the details of what he does in order to score with the hot chicks
>gain attention of everyone in the room
>talk for another hour
>finish with "I'm kind of tired. So, here's a trick."
>Natural 20 on Perform(Bar Trick)
>Take quarter out of pocket, flick it onto the surface of a coffee table, have it rebound perfectly into my mouth. Spit it out, catch it with the tips of my fingers, and fling it in a random direction, only to have it land on the stone of the fireplace and sizzle due to the saliva.
>lose consciousness

>swear to never drink again.

>>9899904

problemly because SWIMMING is awesome and stuff, and being fucking young.

>riding tricycle along pool edge at 4 years old
>watching back tire to avoid falling in
>roll 1 on spot check to notice pool edge curves, fall in
>roll 1 on dodge to avoid being grappled by tricycle
>sink to bottom of pool, pass out, drown
>nat 20 on luck, mom notices I'm not riding around mere moments after i fall in and calls amber lamps
>Paramedic rolls nat20 on perfom(resuscitation), literally brings me back to life from no breathing/heartbeat
>never touch tricycle again.

>>9899939
When my skin starts busting open, I'm getting into some shade.

>>9899904
i had the same sorta thing as a kid.
you dont know your sunburned at the time.

for me my entire back was almost completly blistered, my shoulders were just one blister each.

at the time it was pale red, like just a little, never gets worse than that so you think as a kid oh well.

couple hours later it hurts like hell, by the next day your screaming in pain trying to sit up in bed.

>>9899939
Swimming is awesome.

Not in greentext, because that shit's annoying to read.

My favorite one was back in high school, when I was in a fight with this guy (translation: about to get the shit beat out of me, fleeing for my life). I was running down the stairs and he was catching up to me, so I turn at the landing and jump down the remaining half-story. Landed awkwardly on my left foot, rolled left, and semi-accidentally hit the guy across the jaw with a right circle kick. He did a half-spin and landed flat on his back, I scrambled up and got the fuck out. Must have looked intentional, because he stopped trying to kill me after that.

I got nothing, guys.

>>9900008

You lie.

>>9899915
Amazing tale comrade.

>>9898154
Fuck off, tripfag. No one cares about your imaginary wife.

>>9898232
kill yourself, you waste of oxygen.

>>9899852 here, I got another

>Talk with friends back in High School several years ago
>Roll Nat 1
>Substitute teacher incorrectly overhears conversation
>Almost get arrested for suspicion to commit a terrorist act

>Wear awesome hat to school
>Talking with random chick
>Nat 1 on Spot Check
>Athletic friend runs up behind me, snatches hat from head.
>Nat 20 on Init roll, instantly take off sprinting after him.
>Friend wasn't expecting fat dude to run this fast, throws hat into classroom, keeps running, shouting "I don't have it anymore!".
>Nat 20 on Con check, chase him across entire campus.
>Get my hat back, friend never tries that again.

>>9899852
What the fuck? Did you ever find out WHY you got shot?
>>9899904
lol lace gives people advice and admonitions about their lives

>>9900091
No idea. There was another shooting about 2 weeks later at the same place. It's possible he mistook me for someone else.

>>9898387
Why is real combat in a thread full of I DATED A GIRL and I PLAYED A YUGIOH CARD

dice 1d20

fuck i just realised ive got school in 2 hours and should have been asleep instead of here <_<

anyway since i remembered.

>go to school after not sleeping
>roll nat 20 on not falling asleep mid class
>fall asleep on couch while waiting an hour for guitar teacher to show up for class.
>roll nat 20 on luck and wake up as hot chick is reaching into my pocket to steal a smoke
>nat 20 cha "if your trying to feel, it's abit lower" laughs, actually reaches lower and grabs.
>get blowjob couple hours of flirting later.

>>9900056
What the hell? What were you even talking about in the first place?

>playing paintball in the woods
>entire team dropped in a matter of seconds by an ambush
>perception check: natural 20, spot one of the enemies 30 meters away through dense foliage
>attack roll: natural 20, hit enemy despite being out of range of paintball gun
>repeat three times as people following him up the path catch up, I win the game by myself

>>9900129

are you twelve, by any chance?

>Walking to dining hall
>Trip, nearly faceplant
>Roll forward and return to standing position

Natural 20 on Tumble

Back when I was in highschool
>Hanging out with friend who, bless them, were terribly nerdy looking
>Some younger "tough" sorts make a racket near us
>I turn to them
>One of them lobs a stone right at my face
>Catch it perfectly in my hand and don't react
>"HOLY SHIT" "WHOA" "FUCK"
>They walk off pretty astonished

Nat 20 Catch and Impress?

>>9900132
I don't even remember really. I think it was some action movie or something like that. Sub thought I was planning to shoot up the school.

Then rumours got around that I was going to bomb the other schools when I shot up the high-school, and had a hit list.

Fuck, these people.

>>9899904
I loved swimming and completely lost track of time.

You know how time flies when you are having fun?

I fucking swear to GOD and HEAVEN that it had only been an hour to me. I fucking swear it. Apparently not though. The only part about this story I regret is looking back on it years later and realizing how horrible my parents were to me. They weren't mean.. but it's almost like they never cared enough to do anything.

They did care.. but that didn't make them not neglectful.

Though I did once cut my leg wide open on a coffee table while jumping onto the couch(was going for a JUMP AND LAND LAYING DOWN).
>roll 1 for the stunt
>cut thigh deep
>scream in terror for reason I can't tell, cause there wasn't any actual pain. just knew something happened
>dad comes over
>rolls nat 20 for first aid
>later I roll a 20 to watch the doctors put twelve stitches in me(two in the muscle) without being bothered in the least

Are you glad you are not me yet?

>Walking along a long street in London
>See a double-decker bus go past
>Impulsively decide to ride it.
>Natural 20
>Jump and grab the handle on the open platform, swing onto the bus.
>Casually ride for about a minute until I reach my turning and leap onto the pavement in a gentle trot.

>>9900155
Naw, just reflex. The punks were in awe of the nat20.

>>9900140
no, was 17 at the time.
what gives you the impression i'm a tard?

>>9899953
My skin showed NO SIGN OF DAMAGE till later. Much later.

At the time they just rushed me inside and it was all NO HARM DONE cause I didn't appear hurt at all. Just a LETS KEEP BETTER TRACK NEXT TIME.

>Physics exam
>Question about internal energy
>Natural 20
>Guess Specific heat capacity of aluminium to within 1 unit.

>Riding bike around bend in the road.
>Get hit full force by a jeep going the other way.
>Nat 20 Fortitude.
>Get up, walk my bike home.

>Sailing in Canada on a 40ft. sailboat.
>Sitting down below near the bow with my friend, playing on a PS2.
>Hear rock scraping.
>Nat 20 on Acrobatics check.
>Reach the steps leading to the deck in the stern and get topside in the time it takes my friend to say "Did-"
>Tell dad, he puts the boat in reverse.
>Natural 20 Luck.
>Check the charts, we were right on top of a shoal with less than 6 feet of water covering it.

My friend claims he's never seen me move so fast in my life.

I was working at a supermarket back in high school. It was almost Christmas, and the manager had me unwrapping some freshly-cut christmas trees and setting them up on display in front of the store. So, I'm unwrapping a tree when one of the front-end managers starts shouting 'Thief! Stop him!' I turn to see some jackass running towards the nearest door (three feet away from me) with a handful of picture enveloped from the photolab in his arms. I proceed to lift up the tree and, timing it perfectly, pivot my whole body around, arms outstretched. NAt 20 on the attack roll. Dumbass runs right into my spinning tree and gets knocked on his ass. As the manager looks on, slack-jawed and the idiot shakes his head, trying to wrap his mind around the fact that I just hit him with a tree, I picked up the small tree (no more than 5 feet tall, I'm 6'4" for reference) and plant the bottom in the middle of his chest, supporting it just enough that the tree gently holds him down. The cashiers begin to laugh after a moment and the manager grabs the guy and hauls him into the back office while he waits for the cops. So, yeah. Nat 20 on an attack roll with Improvised Weapon: Tree.

>>9900190
Say, what if I were to put you in a caged swimming pool with a bike in it?

>Third week in Judo
>Friend walks on to the mat
>He does the HURR YOU SUCK BRO routine
Natural 20/ Grapple & Opposed Natural 1
>I run straight at him, do some sort of ad-hoc grab, and throw+pin him in one motion

>Judo tournament
>my last matchup of that meeting
>fight lasts for ages
>he grabs me
>beautiful throw
Reflex save - 20
Natural 20/ grapple versus opposed 4/ grapple
>I reverse the throw in mid air
>he lands on the ground with virtually no resistance
>I score a full point and win

>Get in a fight with a guy
>1 week later get surrounded by that guy and 7 of his friends
>nat 20 bluff check
>Gently pat the leader's cheek and walk away, laughing

>>9900274
What was your bluff? I've done that.

>Playing capture the flag when I was about 14
>Grab the flag, and evade everyone but one person
>He's on an intercept route to get me right before I get back to my team's side
>Do a perfect somersault in full sprint right before he tags me
>Go under his arm, lose no momentum, and return to my side

Natural 20 Acrobatics. Felt good, man

>>9899352
>nat 20 bluff to get out of trouble.
DOHOHOHO.

I did this too. It helps to not have a track record. You can get away with anything by being the honest kid. You've also reminded me..

>Little jerk that likes bothering me at elementary school
>By chance was on my street and saw me.
>Comes over to bother me
>I have enough of his shit
>Natural 20
>Grab his hand, turn around, put his arm over my shoulder, and flip him right up over the top of me in one smooth motion.
>Kid stares up at me in confusion over what happened.

Then he got up and said, "...That was awesome!"

Never bugged me again.

>Fuuka rolls nat 20 on BEING RAD.

Maybe my childhood wasn't so horrible after all.

it sure is dirty liar in this thread.

>>9900269
>FAGGOT DRIVER YOU ARE TOO FAR OUT OF THE TURN LANE
>I CAN'T GO PAST YOU, AND I CAN'T SEE FAR ENOUGH BEHIND ME TO REVERSE AND MAKE IT TO THAT GREEN LIGHT
>light turns red
>FFFFFFFFFFFFFF
>turn light turns green
>I try to pull next to the asshole
Spot check - Natural 1
Reflex save - Natural 1
>REAR END THE CAR IN FRONT
>FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKK
>pull over, inspect our cars
My Car's Fortitude save - Natural 20
His Car's Fortitude save - Natural 20
>NO DAMAGE TO EITHER CAR!
>Other guy is cool about it
>GREAT SUCCESS

>>9898136
>friend picks up a deck of cards.
>ask me to guess the card that he's looking at
>"turn to all my other friends and say that it's almost impossible"
>Guess the 3 of spades
>Its the fucking 3 of spades.

>>9900255
..The collective potential for danger would explode the earth.

I would no doubt be thrown free of the explosion, unharmed. This would put me in the vacuum of space, but I'd happen to fall into a once in a millennium anomaly and end up in an alternate universe where all the women are hermaphrodites and all the guys are traps.

>>9900344
I see I once again rolled a natural 1 on "coming up with something clever".

>>9900356

>>9900356
Followed by a natural 20 to fuck your mother.

>diagnosed type one diabetic as a tot
>fifteen years later, suffer MASSIVE FUCK-UP involving THROWING UP and LOSING CONSCIOUSNESS and OTHER UNPLEASANT THINGS
>wake up in hospital with many things stuck to and in skin
>ask why everything hurts, find out that two male nurses were coldcock punched out in my confused state, leading to five more nurses to restrain me

I, of course, feel terrible about that. They think I thought I was being threatened and reacted accordingly. But holy shit, you should have seen those guys.

They made me want to say "YOU ARE HUGE. THAT MEANS YOU HAVE HUGE GUTS!"

>>9900344
>an alternate universe where all the women are hermaphrodites and all the guys are traps.

So.../d/? DO WANT!

>riding motorcycle on a dirt road
>hit a big rock going too fast
>Ride check, natural 1
>flip over the handlebars into path of bike
>Reflex save, natural 20
>bike drives over me, but I take no damage
>jacket now has permanent tire imprint, great as an icebreaker with the ladies

Oh yes.

>>9900399
Hah.

My mother did the same thing once. They were putting her under for a minor procedure. Full regular dose. They try to start, but she jumps up and starts boxing the doctor.

Every time after that, they made damn well sure she was completely under.

>>9900395
>implying I'm ever going to get laid

>stopping at a turn onto a highway in winter
>lose traction
>can't stop as i start spin into traffic
>pull a 180, end up in gap between cars
>immediately hit reverse while still sliding and drive up a snow bank

Natural 20 to reflex and luck

>>9900462
Took you that long for such a weak reply?

>i'm 8 years old
>playing golf with dad and his two friends
>on a team with one of my dads friends.
>playing best ball so most of my shitty shots don't count.
>they're betting on each hole
>my partner gets a ball to the far side of the green in two shots on a par 4
>20 feet away from the hole
>partner misses his shot
>I take my shot
>Natural 20
>I sink the put and get the birdie
>Dad gives me what we wagered for that hole.

>>9900503
Is not a real-time chat.

>>9900335
i'd say it's a 1 in 52 chance

>>9900333
>tickling sister as a kid
>she's resistant to tickles now
Natural 1 / Animal Lore - Females
>I find a place where she is ticklish
>dad spots me
Natural 20 luck check
>he just tells me I can't tickle them there anymore, 'k?
>I'm slightly put off

15 years later...
NATURAL 20 / KNOWLEDGE - CHILDHOOD MEMORIES

>>9900562

Bahahahaha.

>>9900561
yeah but getting a natural 20 is a 1/20 chance so its still almost 3 times more impressive.

Also it was way more impressive because we were all mega stoned.

13 years old.

>At store with parents
>Looking at Vidya, get some Vidya
>Go to buy Vidya
>Guy charges more than he should have
>Hey, didn't they drop the price on that game a while back due to it's sales or something?
>Roll natural 20 on haggle
>Oh yeah? Well, I'll go ahead and drop it down a little
>Get more than $30 off for MGS2:S, not too long after the game came out, spend only $20.
>Feels good man

I can only think of one time...
>At some girl scout retreat camp or something
>Playing above a huge stony brook like a moron
>Sharp rocks at the bottom
>Friend trips, starts to fall
>Nat 20 reflex
>I swing around, grasping a tree branch, and grab her hand as she falls
>She's fine

>>9900452

It could be that your mother has some kind of fucked up resistance to that kind of thing. I know a few people like that. They could drink all goddamn day and not be affected in the least.

Ironically, most of these people don't drink because they don't see a point in it. "It tastes like piss and it doesn't do anything for me. But if you're buying, I'll guess I'll choke it down to show you."

An hour later, and a fifth of vodka missing, they pass every field sobriety test I can think of. You couldn't even smell it on their breath.

>football game
>returning kickoff
>break tackle
>break another tackle
>hit a guy, he falls on his back
>get hit from behind he strips the ball
>ball flies right into the hands of our other kick returner
>he runs 50 more yards.

happened a week ago was crazy lucky.

>Walking past desk.
>Nat 1 on Dexterity
>Bump desk with massive ass.
>Laptop falls off of desk.
>Laptop smashes into chair, screen first.
>Nat 20 on Luck
>Not a scratch on laptop.
>Nat 1 on Luck
>Cut toe on blunt bedframe.

>>9898136

> Hated roomate's cat
> Roomate's cat grabbed favorite d20 ran across the living room and was about to go into my room
> Without looking, picked up d6, and threw it at cat which was now 35 feet away
> Hit cat square in the eyes as it turned to look at me.
>natural 20 is the only explanation.

>Driving on the Highway at night with some friends
>Doing about 60
>Car in front of us stops for traffic, our brakes decide that it was a good time to cut out.
>I'm not wearing a seat-belt
>Hit car doing about 60, Walk out of it without a scratch on me, and at some point I had crushed the grape soda can in my right hand

We apparently hit the car so hard we cracked the engine block, funny thing too cause the airbags didn't even deploy.

>>9898136
>doing Linguistics final
>everything is shiteasy until I come to one fucked up phonology problem
>"Goddamn what phoneme is a fricative strident?"
>Perception check
>roll a natural 20
>One of the previous questions gave away the answer
>get 100% on final
good godamn

>2002
>On a Desert Trek with the school in Mauritania (we had a mad French teacher who likes going off on adventures)
>Nat 1 Navigation
>get separated from the group while leading and being inattentive through dehydration.
>wander off into featureless rocks, get hopelessly lost for some hours.
>fret for a while.
>Nat 20 Divine Intervention
>get picked up by the guides who circle around looking for me.

I can think of 2 right now

>Last Week I went to a game rental place
>Guy charges 8 bucks
>Point out that it was on the 3 buck rack
>Guy explains that they're trying out a new system that has him confused
>He decides to just coupon the whole thing off for me
Nat 20 Diplomacy?
and

>Went to grandmother's house to pick up something I left there
>play with car keys while waiting for garage door to open
>Nat 1 Dex and drop keys
>Nat 20 Reflex as I bend over to grab keys in mid-air, while simultaneously ducking under the half-way open garage door.

>>9900810
Would have been cooler if a choir of angels descended to retrieve you, but I guess the real version is cool too.

Oh and lest people think I'm ALL CON and NO DEX...

I can't count how many times I..

>Fuuka attempts to USE STAIRS
>Fuuka rolls natural 1 on TO HIT FIRST STEP
>Fuuka sails down the stairs in mid air
>Fuuka rolls NATURAL TWENTY on TUMBLE.
>Fuuka NINJA ROLLS and hops up to feet.
>Gathered crowd is highly impressed

Once nearly gave mom a heart attack. Picking me up from daycare. They had a raised portion with tons of free to play arcade games. Go for the stairs

WOOSH.

TUCK IN MID AIR.

ROLL.

LAND ON FEET.

The look on her face was priceless. As was the day care teacher's. I imagine they were quite happy not to have to take liability for some dumb kid missing the steps and breaking their neck.

>> Get drunk with friends
>> See ultra high speed railway bridge
>> Climb over barbed wire fence
>> Walk down to the railway
>> Go under the bridge
>> Sit down a few feet from the high speed railway
>> Start to throw pebbles at line
>> Eventually leave after sobering up
>> Miss the train that would have killed us all

Can I roll on common sense?

>Lean behind computer to plug USB drive in
>Nat 1 on tech-use
>Bang head on monitor
>Shock of it makes me jerk my head up
>Bang head on shelf above
>Give up and let head drop
>Bang head on monitor again

>>9900844

Calling it Nat 20 might be an exaggeration - the guides know the are after all. But still, when you're in unfamiliar ground and madly offcourse no landmarks (and no water), it certainly felt like it when help arrived.

rolled 43 = 43

>Riding a bike with a friend at 10
>Ride across the street and slam onto the curb
>Land on my head (But today was the one day I wore a helmet)
>Skid 20 feet on said head, spinning around like a top
> Finally stop, and get up like nothing happened

>>9898509

Happend to my mothers husbands son.

>Be big, fat, 30+, knows how to drink
>Go to party
>Probably nat 1 on Spot check
>Drink a few beers
>Get very affected by something
>Wanders off to go home
>Arrive at train station
>Natural 1 on Common Sense (with huge negative modifiers)
>Dangle with legs, sitting on the station platform
>Natural 1 on Spot check
>Train arrive and catch his legs
>Legs stuck between platform and train
>Gets dragged 100s of meters
>Natural 20 on roll to avoid Instant Death
>Continue natural 20s over and over again to save against Complications and Death
>Still has full use of his legs, though can't feel any pain

Several years later
>Out working in the forest, chopping down trees
>Visit my mom and her husband
>Mother and her husband pass their Spot check
>Son have cut his leg with a chainsaw and didn't even notice it

I'm a Swede, for so me a natural 20 is actually a critical failure, while a 1 is fucking awesome.

>Go out
>Natural 1
>Pass out in toilet
>Wake up and get thrown out by bouncer
>Start walking home
>Natural 20 charisma
>Meet a random girl, start walking home with her
>Natural 20 luck
>Her brother picks her up and offers to give me a lift home

Also her brother was a bro, and not one of the overprotective types who would beat you down for walking even near his sister.

>>9901127
Explain this to a fellow Swede, I have trouble following your logic.

My brother Luke;

>> At around 7-8, jumped from the first storey window (or second if you're American?) onto a small hut with a corrugated iron roof. The distance was about 3 metres away and about 4 metres down to the concrete below. Made it easy. Nat 20

>> At around 9-10 he chases his cat who has a bird. Jumps clear over a fence the same height as him. Lands with foot right over a branch that goes into his foot. Nat 1

>> At around 11, at the beach he decides to collect stones in a large empty glass bottle. We call to him to hurry up, he trips, shatters bottle in hand. He has a half inch piece of glass in his palm for about 4 years. Nat 1.

>> At around 13 he runs into a tennis line without it's net down at full speed. It gets him perfectly around the neck. Nat 1.

>> At around 15 he tries to cut through a metal terminator with a stanley knife (utility knife), it skips and lands in his thigh making a 2 inch long deep gash. Uses toilet paper to fix it. Nat 1 then 20.

>> At 18 he is practising with antique samurai sword against a bit of wood (yeah, I know). Cousin randomly decides to put his arm in the way. Almost loses it. Brother talks about how he felt the sword hit bone and how easy it would have been to go through it. Nat 1 for Cousin.


I love mah bro.

>>9901194

You've never played Drakar och Demoner?
You're supposed to roll under your skill scores, so the lower the better.

>Driving in rain, 1998 Dodge Neon
>Drive through standing water, slowly
>Natural 1
>Water gets into engine compartment through air filter, cannot compress, blows a chunk out through the oil pan

Feels bad, man.

Natural 20 to befriend animals.

>At crocodile farm in africa
>everyone is cajoling the crocodiles with no real effect.
>I make a noise.
> All the crocodiles look at me and gather as close to me as possible in the pit. they start lashing out at anything nearby including one who tries to eat a soda can.
> I AM STEVE KING OF THE CROCODILES. FEAR MY LEGIONS AND DESPAIR.

>>9901273
Ah. And no, I never have.

rolled 4, 17, 11 = 32

>>9901292

Hold on, casting Summon Drawfag...

boy it sure is gay bike/car story time in here

>driving to discout store,
>car rolls nat 1,
>the Alternator dies,
>It rolls another Nat 1,
>The berrings in the idler pully fall out,
>another nat 1
>The serpentine belt shreds,
>another fucking nat 1
>it cuts a hole into the power stearing pump, I lose all the fluid,
>I roll nat 20 on Drive check
>Drove it 25 miles back to house.
>Got it fixed, Still drive it to this day

>>9901312
Huh, I never thought I'd meet a swede who've played Dungeons & Dragons but not Drakar och Demoner. Not that there's anything wrong with that, just didn't expect it.

>>9901413
Never played DnD either. In fact, I have never played any PnP.

>>Summer of '97
>>I just finished watching the first three DBZ movies with my brother and his friends
>>Someone tries to mug me on the way to the car
>>I give an exaggerated yell and palm him in the chest
>>Natural 20
>>He falls over, ER doctor says I crushed something or another.

That is still my crowning moment in fighting. Mostly because I was never able to pull off anything even remotely like it again, and I typically get my ass kicked in fights.

Natural 20 Diplomacy

>Final paper due.
>Paper is supposed to be an 'argument'.
>Teacher makes it clear late papers will absolutely not be accepted and will result in a failure.
>Don't do paper
>Sleep through exam period
>Write her a long formal letter explaining my predicament, bumping my 'paper', asking for forgiveness, etc.
>She tells me to come have a meeting with her and to bring my paper.
>I show up, obviously without the paper I never wrote.
>"Don't tell anyone I did this, but you've convinced me. I'll take your paper now.
>"My paper? That was my paper. Clearly a good argument seeing that it made you change your mind."
>". . ."

Week later, A+

>>9901500

Ah, that explains it.

>>9901552
>I'll take your paper now.

I read that as "take me now".

Somehow, that made it more win.

>>9901565
In SocialDemocrat Sweden, natural 20 kills YOU!

And I am aware that socialdemocrats isn't the ruling party atm.

I was hit by a car going forty+ miles an hour in a parking lot.

Rolled over it, landed behind it, tore up my clothes.

Was back on my feet in ten minutes, no broken bones, one scrape on my elbow.

Perfect 20 fort save.

I've been hit by cars before, but that was the only one going over 20.

>>9901627
It would have been win but the woman looked like a baguette with joker makeup on.

>shooting down some crows with father
>can't figure where the last crow sits in the tree
>blast randomly from hip at the tree top
>crow drops dead from the tree
>headshot

>>9901704

The sad reality behind the "hot, horny teacher" fantasy, usually.

>>9901704

I expected as much.

Still, it was win enough.

>>9901720

Yeah. The cute ones never are the horny ones (probably because they don't need to resort to students.)

Had a math professor a few semesters ago that was a total, cute-as-hell-MILF....

>>9901764
Reminds me of a teacher I had. 28-30'ish, cute, short, blond, slim, nice little butt, HUEGH BEWBS

>Me as a fat nerdy kid playing soccer in high school
>Not accomplishing much
>Opposing team sends the ball sailing down field with a huge arcing kick
>Coming right towards my head
>Glance towards opposing goal
>Natural 20 Concentration, Natural 20 Fortitude, Natural 20 Knowledge: Ballistics
>Tilt my head slightly, causing ball to smack right into the top of my skull making a huge BWHAMG noise
>Ball bounces and sails back across field into opposing goal
>Shake my head slightly without saying anything and go back to being worthless

>>9901632
Will be again shortly, to the detriment of all.

>>9901822 Talking about "Soccer"

Fuck dude.. it's called a fucking header.

Seriously... it's like me saying we played some Basketball and I jumped up and like, right, managed to sort of "place" the ball in the net? You know? In mid air?

Seriously... It just.. it's just weird okay?

> Driving parent's van to another town in winter to help uncle move
> Hit patch of ice on a curve at 65~ mph (Yes, it was really stupid to be going that fast)
> Van does complete 360 and goes off the road
> Miss hitting billboard post by inches, not a scratch on the van

>fap
>take out trash
>Nat 1 Int
>Forgot I fapped, fapped again
>Repeat 3 more times.
>Wonder why I'm so tired.

>teacher late, class rioting, throwing shit around
>me trying to get my previously forgotten homework done before class starts
>see projectile out of the corner of my eye, put hand up to protect myself
>catch ballistic pen in writing position without looking
>bring pen down, write with it
>hear someone saying "Whoa. Did you see that?" from behind me
Natural 20 reflex save.

>Gym class about Archery in High School
>I have only done it once as a kid and was terrible
>Known for being mostly bad at sports
>Fire Bulls-eyes the entire 2 weeks
>Golfing is the next 2 weeks, have never played it before
>Be best in class again
I tried doing either of them a few months ago (Graduated a few years ago) and could never be that good again. Too bad our High School didn't have an archery team or something. The Golf team sucked horribly so I just gave up on it. I dunno what those rolls would be considered.

>>9901849

Yeah sorry, I guess it was just a header. I was mostly just trying to express how I felt as a flabby nerd who could barely kick but managed to serve as a glorified pinball bumper and score a goal with my skull from half field without knowing what I was doing/reacting afterwards.

>>9898842

I was there.

>>9901292
lol

>>9902128
So was your mum.

True story

>Comp Sci 102 final
>Programming problem specifically noted as the hardest thing on the exam
>Think for a few minutes.
>Natural 20 Craft(Programming)
>Bang out 13 lines of code
>Compiles first go
>Test for the 30 minutes remaining on the exam. No bugs.

>>9903609
Speaking of tests...

High School state exit exam, written portion. Required 5 paragraph, one page essay over given topic in ink and required written "rough draft" written in pencil.

>Play Vidya all night, night before.
>Skip draft
>Write single paragraph, three-quarter page essay over topic, in ink, over thirty minute period.
>Nat 20, Perform(Written)
>Head on desk.
>Sleep hour and a half.
>Make 95% on written exam.

Sad thing is, I know fuckers who failed it.