"What we wants matters."

"The rules say that you have to...."

"But that's not what happened...."

"How could that be true, I didnt see it....."

"My character already had it on him..."

"They have to because...."

>>9895424
So if the players don't matter, and the rules don't matter, what does?

Your ego?

Hey, a succubus! Can I fuck it?

"Don't worry, the GM won't put us up against higher level things at level 1, I attack it."

>>9895404
I'm gonna try that in DH

I feel the other characters in the group are overshadowing my character, so I want her to become pregnant. She's a druid so the baby should be a lycanthrope.

"Hey guys, what happens if we hook the nuclear bomb up to the hyperdrive?"

In D & D once a character even wanted to enter in the sacred temple, which warned us go unarmed, whether he thought a good idea to enter with his two-handed sword using it as a crutch. The end result was violated and no heart XD

>>9895438
... yeah, what else is supposed to matter to a DM? Feelings? Morals? FRIENDS? Shit, man, this is a game, and the only way to win it is to make the players cry.

'We kill the prisoner and take his gold'
'You're a paladin'
'Yeah so I need money for armour'.

"If I put this bag of holding in another bag of holding I can carry even more!"

-First character of a newbie.

Scene: a 4'10 S8 changeling is above waist height deep in the ocean, during a thunderstorm wearing leather armor and a waterlogged cloak.

He notices the guys he was following have disappeared and asks if he should "dunk his head under water and look around for them".

>>9895487
It is generally accepted that if a druid is NOT making sweet, tender love to their forest friends, they'd playing the class wrong.

>>9895404
somebody isn't understanding the reference

We can recruit an army of high level soldiers to do our bidding, and if they don't want to work for us we can always kill them!

"I'm going to try and jump into its mouth and attack it from the inside!"
"Let's put all the bags of holding in the portable hole, it'll make them easier to carry."

>>9895523
troll sense tingling... I hope.

"How was I supposed to know the shotgun would kill him?"

(After the guy forced a homeless man to scout out another room in Call of Cthulu at gunpoint and then shot said hobo when he ran away from the monster)

"No we are after a fish thing who is doing the all of the killings!"

(PC explaining to the police that the serial killer targeting the homeless is "fish thing". The group let his character take the rap for the murders and we kicked him out of the group.)

>>9895523
A man after Gygax's own, dark heart.

>>9895539
Yo man, I'm gonna put a bag of holding in your bag of holding, so you can carry whilst you *BOOM*

xhibitgrave.png

in D&D a player say "I tie a rope to my body and jump from the roof," DM question "you attach the other end to something?" the player says "FUUUUUUUUU".

It went a little like this...

PCs find the pirates' treasure.
Immediately, they calculate how many ponies they can buy, as per the prices listed in the Player's Handbook.
They seriously consider advancing to level 2, then giving up adventuring and starting a pony farm.

:|

>>9895599
Hahahahahaha
Oh shit, I'd let em

>>9895599
lol so much

>>9895599
oh man, i am so going to do this in my next campaign.
FUCK SAVING THE WORLD LETS START A FARM.

Me: ..the house seems deserted.
PC1: I set it on fire.
PC2: If its deserted, there will be zero consequences.
Me: The rainstorm outside continues.
PC1: I KNEW IT! THE HOUSE IS EVIL!

Adventure's name? "Eye of the Hurricane."

>>9895599

Whats wrong with that?

>>9895599
That's hilarious. I would let them, and weave their pony farm characters into the next story, which can just pick up where they left off.

>>9895599

Let them.

Then SUDDENLY THEIR PONIES ARE KIDNAPPED BY A TRIBE OF KOBOLDS LED BY KOBOLD GENGHIS KHAN WHO WISHES TO USE THEM AS WARHORSES!

A small Asian boy sneak attacks our dwarf cleric. The cleric thrashed him- reducing him to well under half of his hit points -and the boy tried to run on his next turn.

"AUGH! WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING, YOU LITTLE SHIT!?"

Attack of opportunity.

Lawful good dwarf cleric critical hits and demolishes the child's head.

Our chaotic neutral kobold sorcerer spared the kid that was attacking him.

"Can I roll a Religion Check to see if Cthulhu will help us?"

PC is playing a drug dealer in shadowrun

Gang leader (but still pretty weaksauce): Hey man, what you got?

PC: what you need?

GL: well what do you have?

PC: what do you want?

GL: uh... the things you have for sale. What exactly is that?

PC: anything and everything. what do you want?

GL: God dammit! what drugs do you have?

PC: lots of stuff, just make an offer

This went on for like ten minutes until the gang started shooting at the party. This particular PC was also fond of selling PCP like combat drugs to the NPC's we would be fighting in the next hour

>>9895673

And then said kobold sorcerer props up all the dead children around a table in sitting positions and hogties the one remaining living, unconscious child, leaving him to find all his friends dead around him. And there was a lawful good paladin in this group. :P

Coincidentally, this was the same group as in >>9895599 , who had their pony farm money stolen from them by said children, leading to a chase through the sewers into a thieves' guild.

>>9895674
"You start praising lord Dagon and suddenly Cthulu arises."

Once while stalking some pirates through a marsh, an alligator tried to move up on our shit silently. The DM rolled a one, so the alligator managed to flop around aimlessly and gave up its turn. Our lady lizardfolk companion killed the living shit out of it. This alligator immediately became known as "DURRRR" the alligator. It was decided that he should be purple

Our kobold then decapitated it with a shovel, brought it back to the workroom in the lighthouse, and fashioned a helmet out of its head. Retarded alligator helmet of intimidation.

Then that kobold went on to kill three pirates at once, fuck the lizardgirl, and started a pony farm. >>9895599

Originally, the plan was to also buy a zeppelin, slaughter and raise the ponies as undead, then drop them from above on a city.

>>9895771

Sounds exactly like the retards I DM for.

>>9895792
>Then that kobold went on to kill three pirates at once, fuck the lizardgirl, and started a pony farm.

Lucky bastard. Lucky, lucky bastard.

>>9895792

This needed an illustration, so I made one.

>>9895857
*props*

"I let the dragon get the first shot in. I want this to be 'sporting'."

Me: "You find bear claws in the pile of poo, as well as a bent, glowing adamantine maul."
PC: "Stupid monster! It leaves the loot behind! Easy kills, boys, easy kills."

Me: "..why didn't you bring any gear with your PC?"
PC: "I'm a Monk. They need nothing."
Me: "Cold weather gear is an exception."
PC: "STOP PLAYING MY CHARACTER!"
>Adventure name: Hoarfrost Caves

PC: "I want to be a pirate. I ask the general if I can be a pirate."
Me: "The general is not taking visitors, since you delivered the news his daughters were killed ... by pirates."
PC: "He's distraught. Easier to talk him into stuff. What's the DC?"

PC: "I shoot a lightning bolt at the bull."
DM: "They're about to sacrifice it to ensure your safe return."
PC: "Whatever. They're going to kill it, anyways, so who cares?"

DM: "The lizardmen seem friendly. They are making hand gestures to begin trade."
PC: "I smile, then stab the big one."
DM: "There's over two hundred of them."
PC: "Should have good loot, then."
Me: "I'm opting to use my action to run the fuck away, looking as innocent as possible."
>I survive the TPK incident, barely.

>>9895876
is that really a TPK then

There's this one guy in our group. Major assburgers, plays with us because he's in love with us, doesn't know dick about the game.

Well, we were fighting a slime or somesuch, and it split every time we used slashing or piercing weapons. This fellow is playing a low-ac fighter with nothing but a bow and a greatsword, so we convince him that he can do bludgeoning damage by jumping up and down on it (like splashing a puddle). We knew he'd take damage, but we also knew the jelly was close to death, so we thought he'd be able to kill it as well.

He rolled a one.

He immediately slips, falls face first into the jelly, provokes an attack of opportunity, and is engulfed. He immediately takes 36 points of damage, reducing his HP to three.

This guy- let's call him Goof Bouldershoulder -flips out, flings his dice around, and becomes irate. The game is derailed for like, twenty minutes.

I fived everyone else in my party before hitting him with my DISLOCATING DAGGER and teleporting the slime off of him.

Cyberpunk 2020 additions:
PC: "I want a cyberpig."
>wtf?

PC1: "We want to start up a scam, stealing from the company. Does this guy want in?"
Me: "Unlikely. He runs their 'morality crusade'."
PC2: "Who'd have thought a Mormon-run corp would be such stuck-up pricks."

PC: "I want to sell my character out to get advanced cybernetics."
Me: "... aren't you Amish?"
PC: "Also, I want to learn Ninjitsu."
Me: "... sigh ..."
>Thus begins the saga of Hezekiah Jones, Amish Assassin.

PC: "I rush at the Boosters. They're not used to people attacking in hand-to-hand."
Me: "They have Rippers, Wolvers, Big Knucks... multiple arms... you sure about that?"
PC: "I break my gun on the first guy's face!"
>No survivors.

Bonus from Shadowrun:
PC: "I shoot Dunkelzahn with my pistol."
Me: "..."
PC: "Not up close, dummy! From across the office."

>>9895404
Is that some Last Boy Scout?

>>9895876
>DM: "The lizardmen seem friendly. They are making hand gestures to begin trade."
>PC: "I smile, then stab the big one."
>DM: "There's over two hundred of them."
>PC: "Should have good loot, then."
>Me: "I'm opting to use my action to run the fuck away, looking as innocent as possible."

This. So many times has this happened in games I run. My variation on this was a fucking half-bear barbarian tribe of berserkers that seemed friendly and offered the PCs a gift of golden rings and necklaces, and what do they do?

Attack them. 4 players, 30 of the barbarians.

>>9895956
I died, with the Lizardmen shaman using Reincarnate on me and having my new form serve the colony for six months before they let me go.

I spent six months as a cow.

"We're 14th level. That means we're some of the strongest fuckers on the planet. That means we can do anything we want and no one can complain!"

First port of call was a city of close to half a million people that was the biggest city in the hemisphere and that I had told them contained no less than 20 epic level characters at any one time. They then proceed to try to burn the city down and screamed bullshit when the militia turned up and was led by a high level fighter.

Our party enters the city of a bunch of monk dwarfs whom, after centuries of meditation and honing their spirits, have learned how to fly.

Really, you enter this sub-terrestrial city and you just see a bunch of stoic dwarfs floating around from place to place.

Our business takes us to the top of a tower/stalagmite where we ask for passage through said city. Once we get the okay, we begin our decent back to the ground floor.

"What are you guys doing?" our dwarf player says, "isn't it obvious that this place is enchanted so that we can just -fly- out rather than walk down stairs?" And, with that, he jumps out the window.

We had to re-wind the scene moments later.

P1: So wait we can do anything in this game right?
DM: Sort of yes, you have to ro-
P1: I go to the beach and search for turtles.
Me: What?
P1: I go to the beach and search for tutles.
DM: Eh...you don't find any.
P1: Then I keep searching.

Eventually get to where we were ment to be going, now with a party of two.
P2: I think I'll stay outside. I don't want to die.
Me: You're a cleric, I kind of need you.
P2: You can come out if you're hurt.
DM: So do you want to-
Me: No fuck it, I stay at the entrance and jerk off. Lets go watch a movie.
P1: Best idea all night.

Never play with beginners.

Elminster campaign.

"Let's play the hardest campaign we can, and instead of using our own characters, we all use Elminster."

>>9895792

Mmm...lizardgirl...~

>>9896091

"I impale two kobolds on my stick so it becomes a dire mace."

Players are scouts for a merc army, approach a village, see a brothel at the end of the main square.
PC1: "I vote we call up command, tell 'em its a rebel base."
PC2: "Second."
Me: "...why?"
PC1: "I hate whores."
>Village leveled by the one and only 'airstrike'/Wizard on flying carpet they can call in
PC1 & 2: "Lets go loot the whorehouse."

Players in CoC game:
Investigating mysterious library, find the NPC librarian.
"Got any evil books?"
>No.
"Yes, you do."
>No... we don't.
"Who is 'we'?"
>Myself and the men behind you.
"I turn and shoot."
>Players find the local deputy sheriffs behind them, investigating their string of car burglaries and shop ransacking.
>BANG - shootout ensues, primarily involving the sheriffs' tasers
Players awaken in a hospital, cuffed to their beds.
"We're on the right track, or they'd have killed us."

While investigating an old Civil War battlefield:
I pee on the ground. That should irritate the spirits into showing up.
>Its noon, during a Civil War re-enactment ceremony.
Then we'll have the advantage on the sun on our side!
>Players are beaten to a pulp by Southerners.

>>9896072
That sounds sadly familiar. Players seem to be unable to draw the line between "actions which are possible" and "actions which are good uses of time".

Bump for PC dumbness.

OP's pic reminds me of something.

Players need to protect a farmer from a wolf attack while his wife is getting some help from town.

Farmer dies, no one can raise him.

"Is there hay in this barn?"
"... I guess?"
"So I take my 10m rope..."
"Oh god no."

They stuffed the dead farmer with the hay and used the rope to perform a puppet show when the wife returned with help. They honestly believed they could bluff her that way.

"It doesn't say that you need two hands to reload a crossbow anymore." - Player upon switching from 3.5 to Pathfinder

Me: "The Vampire Lord uses his mass dominate and command you to haul some crates unto his ship. Telling you in no small detail how lucky you are that he is in need of manual labor after his cohorts died."
Same player as above: "I made my save, and attack him!"
Me: "He is a Vampire Lord. You don't even have a silver weapon, what can you do?"
> Cue paladin using halfling's sling to toss SP at Vampire Lord.

>>9896224

He's a Vampire Lord, and uses dominate to force them to do his work?

CHOO fuckin' CHOO.

>>9896224

Hey, depending on how big those silver pieces are, they could probably do some damage.

...But against a Vampire Lord, that's pretty useless.

Hi, you may remember us from these:
>>9895599
>>9895673
>>9895771
>>9895792
>>9895857
>>9895965
(Our party is off-and-on, but it generally consists of a kobold sorcerer (Driblis), an elven paladin (Val), and a dwarven cleric (Thoradin), with other additions coming and going)

Yeah well... the whole Ooze Jumping thing wasn't new; before we acquired Sir Asperger's, we had this other guy who was a real bro, until he decided to fuck off and stop being cool with us. Unfortunately, the entire time we knew him, he was utterly useless in D&D (His first character was a druid who sucked constantly. His second, well, he tried to convince us to let him name his wizard "Tiber Septim.") So he skipped out on a D&D night to go work on his party van and form a "secret brotherhood of assassins" (no joke) and we were bored...

DM spawns this angry black ooze thing which we found out was acidic (the hard way; our dwarf cleric smacked it with his mace and it grappled him). After dumping some burning incense on the carpet and deciding that we should burn the tips of Tiber Septim's character sheet (which he had left with us) with a match... Yeah.

DM: "... The slime is noticeably diminished from its original size."
Thoradin: "You know what?"
Val: "What?"
Thoradin: "Justin jumps into the ooze. A big bellyflop right into it."
>Justin's character is fully paralyzed, reduced to critical health, and is even more useless.
Val: "This man needs to be saved!"
>Val (who is wearing full plate mail) bellyflops on top of Justin/Tiber Septim, dealing 1d6 damage. Ooze dies.

Then we drew a demon penis on his character sheet.

>>9896339

It is significant to note that Russell is the name of the Assburgian fellow who now plays with us.

>>9896402

Haha yeah, it's written on the demon penis's sack. :D

We've been spelunking a very dark cave. I am a dwarven ranger and my teammate is a halfling sorcerer with nothing but damage-dealing spells. In case you hadn't noticed, I have darkvision and he doesn't, and I'd just saved him like eight times.

Me: That human that died there was my first, right? I'm going to make sure that his body and possessions are returned to his rightful family.
Sorcerer friend: I loot him.

>>9895404
Portable electric chair

"It kills in one hit!"

>>9896103

No tits :/

We're in a stadium, watching some dueling going on.

We're surrounded by gold dwarfs. Our dwarf cleric decides he wants to try and impress some of the women, AFTER consuming massive amounts of alcohol.

He rolls a 1 on his charisma check, and has a -1 penalty for charisma. He basically couldn't have done worse, but would have.

DM: "You unzip your pants, utter a few drunken slurs, and helicopter spin your flaccid penis."

>>9896534
dude, helicopter spin is like nat 20 auto-success status.

Women are powerless against the virile attraction of the choppercock

Me (as DM): Okay... The crocodile smells the fish... that you've been slapped with, and heads over towards you. You should really be out cold from drinking that Destronian brew, but I'm going to wake you up.

Player: Okay, I punch it.

Me: Yeah, uh... you sure about that? That's honestly a terrible idea.

Player: Do I have any choice?

Me: There's always running.

Player: Yeah, I punch the crocodile.

Me: Since you're a level 2 duskblade, you're unproficient unarmed. The crocodile gets an attack of oppertunity and... should kill you, but it only tears off your arm and swallows it whole. It seems satiated.

Player: SONUVA... do I still get to roll my punch?

>>9896547
>choppercock

"hey let's activate that ancient, techno-magical device we know nothing about!"
>almost fries them
"Hmm... must have been a malfuntion. Let's flip the switch a few times"

>>9896709

Well, it does make sense. It's hard to assume that anyone would create a device meant to fry the user.

Well, yeah. Except a trap. But still, the trap-checking paranoia obviously didn't come yet.

>>9895438
The story. :) That's it.

Already had a huge debate on this. Not looking for another.

>>9895599
Hahahahaha.

Ok to be honest? I find that marvelous and would totally GM that for them.

>>9896764

Oh no no. /tg/ - arguments. You can't just do this.

Ahem.
Story, you say? The one the DM made? With set progression and end?

Railroading, then?

>>9896764
>>9896800
tripfag couldn't make it as a writer so he forces his players to endure his horrible mary sue wanks?

>>9895599

okay dude, this is hilarious. Seriously, i would have let this run a full campaign.

Playing a rather successful and somewhat serious oriental campain, and a friend of ours wants to play. I explain the plot, and he wants to play a monk. Fair enough.
> Hands over character sheet. He is a "Chaos Monk" with "Perform (Bukkake)" maxed out.

>>9895599

Player from this campaign here.

We had somewhere in the neighborhood of 23,700 gold in coins, ships, and equipment.

That's 23700/30

790 ponies.

>>9896800

The one which started as a perfectly normal "post your shitty adventures" thread and got deranged into "THE OP IS A RAILROADER" vs. "HIS PLAYERS ARE RETARDS"

Also, just a thought - what is /tg/s policy on posting shenanigan adventures of your gaming group? I have some material I could post but it needs explanation of characters, the campaign and shit so I'd have to make a massive writefaggotry thread.

>>9896547

>choppercock

>>9896884
He's signaling the sort of game he wants.

Specifically, you should have groups of men constantly ejaculate on him, and then make him roll to enjoy it.

>>9896884

>Chaos Monk

Just as planned.

>>9896884

FUCK YEAH FATAL

WHAT WAS HIS ANAL CIRCUMFERENCE?

>>9896936

Unless it will be funny as hell and you're prepared to explain all the intricate plot details to random /tg/ers, don't do it.

>>9896936
It can't be any less related than the Touhou threads. Go for it.

>>9896800
Story, but not with set progression and end.

More like nebulous plots that exist out in the world and can be interacted with or not by the PC's, the PC's themselves shape much/most of the story.

>>9896832
Nope, that's the PC's doing. I'm just the harsh realities of the world they inhabit. NPC's have plots but they're nebulous and depend on PC interaction or just happen in the background.

>>9896930
I can think of half a dozen awesome quests relating to pony-farming.

It might start looking like Stars Hallow in the end, but it'd still be fun.

>>9896957
FATAL is weaksauce that only supports circular anuses.

Real roleplayers use games that support oblong anuses.

>>9896999

WEAK.

The Poser 2.0 System uses square anuses.

>>9895599
Yeah, I'd totally run that.

But I can understand your :|

>>9896930
That presumes you dont get ripped off by the pony-dealer.

rolled 13 = 13

>>9897053

>implying Crazy Hassan would rip off a valued customer

>>9897089
Considering he'd try to convince them camels were ponies........

>>9897089
>implying he sells ponies.

DM: The town you need to go to is a 10 day hike away over rather rough terrain
Me: Is there a stable around here?
DM: yes, there is a mule stable, they aren't as fast but will handle the landscape better
We go to the stables
P1 (orc fighter): I kill the mule in front of me
DM: The stablemaster lets out a scream and alerts the 5 nearby guards
we spend 15 days lost in the wilderness, 3 of us die of thirst, the last is eaten by a bear

not a DM, but I've done some stupid stuff in my day. Was part of an evil campaign set in the underdark, obviously was the female Drow Cleric of Lolth. Met/defeated some minotaurs along the way to spring a trap for some driders i wanted as undead minions. One of the minotaurs died, so i figured why the heck not, and dragged his corpse for a day in the underdark, his friend trailing behind him. i tell M2 that if he doesn't help me, he'll end up like his friend. didn't realize i didn't have the level to raise any undead, and sucked harder at controlling them. fail move on my part.

>>9897132

What? No. Crazy Hassan has no need for deceit. His camels will take you where you want to go for HALF THE WATER!

Much better than stinking ponies and saggy old horses. Besides, children love camels! They spit and stomp and walk on sand and eat bogeymen!

<--

A friend of mine played a fighter in an epic-level D&D campain.

Poor fool...

>>9897234
kobold goes in all fields?

>>9897234
>Hadnedness

>>9897299
ALL fields. Entire team was kobolds.

They had about six vowels between as many character names.

>>9897225
But could they get them at a discount? This is a bulk purchase, they could get 800 ponies at least, possibly 1000 if they found the right dealers.

Why should the PCs pick Hassan's camels instead?

Pony farming would be hard to DM. You'd have to know all this stuff about money, grass, breeding, etc.

And then make it interesting to play.

>>9897132
He wouldn't. He'd try to convince them that camels are BETTER than ponies. And succeed.

>>9897406
You dont have to know much of anything - just more than your players (or at least convince them that you do).

Plus maybe the ponies have some special quality in the world that X, or some requirement Y. Etc.

>>9896065

I LOL'ed so fucking hard. Imagining that Dwarf- "YA GITS, DIS PLACE BE ENCHANTED!"

and OVER HE GOES

>>9897406

My mother is a giant horse nerd, so I could approximate the difficulties.

But more to the point, I read my fair share of Zane Grey Westerns, so I know there's a shitload of non-pony things you can do with ponies. Bandit raids and rustlers, water-rights in the dry season (DAT MANGY KOBOLD RANCHER IS TRYING TO KEEP OUR PONIES AWAY FROM THE BIG MUDDY, etc,) shit like that.

>>9897535
Clearly /tg/ needs "Pony-farm Quest"

Get on that. I wanna play.

>>9897406
Put templates on the ponies. Insectile, anarchic, half-illithid, &c.

>>9897561

... TEMPTED.

>>9897561
>>9897668
I will do it tonight maybe?

>>9895539
My buddy turned a bag of holding inside out...
He essentially reset the universe, and everyone had to make new characters.

>>9897717
FFFFFFFFF

>>9897717
I thought there is shit to prevent that.

>>9897681
>>9897668
I doubt anyone would remember that much later.

Lets build a golem out of golems.

Every other idea.

>>9897746
There was one printed in an issue of Dragon, way back when.

I have subsequently stolen the CONCEPT and fucked with my players in GURPS before.

How plan B is always, "Light it/them on fire".

>>9897806

... that's bad?

Crowning moment of awesome:
Player is stationed at one end of a 1/4 mile long tunnel, approximately 3ft. across, with a rapidly approaching group of orcs, gnolls and flinds making a speedy approach. The intent is that they'll sneak into the kingdom the PCs are protecting and lay waste to the place.

Player A, the team firebug/arsonist/bedwetting match enthusiast/Sorceror looks down the tunnel, sees the massive army worming its way towards him. Smiles real big, grabbing the only magical item he ever actually wanted, and pointing it down the tunnel.

Wand of Enlarged Fireballs (ten charges left).

Proceeds to make a gigantic potato gun out of the tunnel, ejecting an entire raiding party over the cliffside entrance on the other end, turning an otherwise dull, starry night into a beautiful, Technicolor display of magickal pyrotechnics and exploding airborne orcs, gnolls and flinds.

Player then learned what happens to a vacuum-filled 1/4 mile long tunnel 3 ft across, headfirst.

Thankfully, he was able to use the wand to signal for help, by burning off the remaining charges as a primitive, expensive flare gun.

>>9897892
D&D fireballs don't make pressure.

>Player gets a piece of metal wrapped around his sword arm by the quest-giver.
"What the fuck is this thing?"
>Player is informed that it is a questband, an item that will make sure that he keeps on task.
"How does it do that?"
>Player is told that it will tighten until it breaks skin, snaps bone, and squeezes his arm off if he decides to do something other than what he was directed to do.
"... I don't like it. Take it off of me."
>NPC laughs and tells him to go do his quest, because the DM is a dick.
"You think you're fucking clever, don't you..."
>Player leaves and holes himself up in a blacksmith's forge, crafting a device for three days straight. Player comes out of the forge, dragging what looks like an odd armchair behind him.
"HEY, FUCKER!"
>Player sits in the chair and starts adjusting straps and such. Grabs a lever and waits. NPC comes out.
"I DON'T CARE IF YOU *ARE* A GOD, NO ONE STRONGARMS ME INTO DOING SOMETHING"
>NPC watches in awe as the player pulls back on the lever and slams it forward, bringing a massively heavy sword down on his arm, just above the quest band.

>>9896402
aspie named Russell, plays D&D.
Does he sing & self publish books as well?

>>9897940
never mind they do and i forgot

>>9897947
...wow.

That is either the definition of balls-out crazy or crazy-stupid. Either way, +1 internets to you.

>>9897746
Like Voltron?

>>9897947
That is so Player Character. Rock on.

Players find a Book o' Golem-Fu. Players have a twenty minute smoke break/conference, and ask: "... can we use a Wish to re-write a spell?"
>I am intrigued.
We want to mix two golem types up.
>I am wary.
We want to mix a rope golem with a steel golem.
>I am baffled, tenatively agreeing with this.
We want to make the first Barbed Wire Golem.
>I regret giving them the Djinn Ring.

>>9897420

Because Hassan Camels are ALWAYS better. Pargons, and better!

You think horse cross desert, while kicking monster to death! Get the fuck out my friend! You want CAMEL!

>>9896999
Forget that. I'll be enjoying my non-euclidian anuses.
>>9897717
Bags of Holding do not work that way.

>>9898077
Lol, in any Pony-Farm Quest, Crazy Hassan would have to make an appearance.

>>9898144
he would be the BBEG

encroaching on their market, undercutting prices so low the PC's can't compete, buying up all the feed and forcing the party to import feed from far-off at exorbitant prices, placing advertising posters on top of all the pc's advertisements in local pubs/wherever.

Crazy Hassan would be like the mafia, doing everything to ruin their pony farm business other than directly attacking them.

>>9898227

And then it eventually comes to that.

Rival gangs compete over control of pony/camel resources, lead on the pony side by Driblis the kobold, Thoradin the cleric, and Valorin the paladin.

Presented in retard-o-vision. Fund it.

>>9898227
Crazy Hassan makes his first pitch to the players:
>You have such wonderful ponies... it would be a shame if ... they suddenly all caught fire, would it not?

>>9898264
welp, here we go
>>9898231

>>9898063
Fucking genius.

In Shadowrun, the PC had just finished a successful run with no casualties. To celebrate, the Street Samurai baked a delicious cake (he had a 6 in Decorative Cake Making).

Street Samurai: Here, have some cake. I made it myself.

Decker: *noms cake* This tastes like shit.

Street Samurai: *rage faces and throws cake* (He had a 6 in Thrown Weapons as well).

The Street Samurai throws his cake with such force that the decker was pushed out through the front door. The entire apartment was covered from floor to ceiling in cake shrapnel.

>>9898414
WELL TO BE FAIR IT WAS A PRETTY SHIT CAKE.

>Party is in a large library full of magical books. After a bit of searching, they come across a particular book that sucks one of the party members inside when he opens it.

"I open the book to try and find the last guy"

>He vanishes

"I open the book with a stick.

>Her and the stick vanish

>I tie a rope to the barbarian and hold onto it while he opens the book.

>The barbarian, the rope, and the person holding it disappear.

>This goes on until the ENTIRE PARTY has vanished, leaving me behind.

"...I ask the librarian what the deal with the book is"

>shock and awe from the other players.

Famous last words from PCs:
- The Lich is bluffing. No one would unleash a skeletal army onto a valley full of peaceful druids.
- U mad? (said to an enraged Beholder)
- I fling the gravy boat at the king.
- Ten Paladins lead by an Inevitable? Pfft.
oWoD edition:
- I throw the grenade into Malfeas.
- I will slap the werewolf.
- Vampires are afraid of menorahs.
- Red Cap? I tell him, "Eat me!"

Cyberpunk 2020 edition:
- I can whip any Solos you send, Mr. Arasaka.
- I jump from the aerodyne onto the passing cab below.
-- addendum: "IT WORKED IN FIFTH ELEMENT"

Rifts edition:
- I will ride this bicycle into Chi-Town and proclaim myself King of the New Juicer Republic and demand to see the Emperor.
- Dragons aren't immune to fire, are they? 'Cuz that would suck...

>>9898465
My favorite (and current!) PC in a d20 Modern/CoC game is my ex-con librarian. Keeps a shiv in his thesaurus and once used the childrens' books area as an emergency evac when the team found a portable dimensional pocket/teleporter. He left it open when the team HQ/local library was raided by cultists, throwing someone into a random book within ten feet.

He was later discovered dead from diabetes in Hansel and Gretel.

"... cliff. So, I tie a rope to a rock and chuck it to the top."

"You do, huh? Cool."

"I try to climb..."

*rolls falling damage for rock hitting him in the head*

>>9898465
>light_grenade.jpg

This was not one of my finer moments in DnD, but my group still laughs like crazy about it...

We were in a city, trying to repel a gnoll invasion. Whilst making our way down an alley, I see from the map that if I make my way through one of the buildings, I can come out on the other side of a group of them and set up a flanking maneuver.
Me: "Alright, I'll charge through that window."
DM: "....you're sure?"
Me: "Yeah, it'll be awesome!"
He lets me make the charge.....into a sturdy brick wall. I learned two things from this.

1) It is unlikely that medieval cities have floor-to-ceiling windows.
2) When playing a dwarf, remember they are only 4 feet tall.