Storytime? with Wasteland Warrior? please do!

Yes please!!

does it involve kevin costner?

Spill man! Don't tease us so.

Go ahead and lay it out, and then we'll trump it.

is it true?

>>9079077
>>9079086

No Kevin Costner I'm afraid.

Here is the back ground as it was presented to me.

not much is known about the encentric psyker, Nichi, except he calls himself under the more pre empire western name "Ben". Acording to some inquisitors, he was one of the many youths' of a space faring hulk class ship, wandering from planet to planet both feral and civilized for generations. although indoctrinated in the imperiam cult, there are records of some of the inhabitants of the hull possessing antiquiated technology, and possible heretical literature, although these suspiscions were never conformed the leader of this divergant followship percived the emperor as a master of an unseen force rather than a supreme being, and being able to control and navigate through the warp was a phsyical manefistation of this power, followers of this movement sought to percive the warp as the emperor did, although, this was more metaphorical than literal, with little to no success and reveared those who were able to percive or estimate its formation. noted he was not as successfull as others who were able to guestimate the complex and offen dangerous routes of the warp, he was able to determine how the collective or individual percived and to some extent influence there behavior, he was rather amused that he could "trick" people into this, and performed said magic tricks to amuse his playmates,

>>9079110

this idyic period of his life was short lived as the worst aspects of the warped started influenceing one of these "seers or oracals" of the ship began manifesting his more telepathic powers manfiested in fear or more acurately praying to the warp for help, any help really, this would later warn one of the inquisitors in the area to take an active measure against the threat. but, when he entered he found the suposed heretic commit suicide just before the ship made a warp jump the incident delayed the transver into the next schedualed planet's orbit. Although, the wound's on the man were self inflicted it, there was little to no cause for this suicide.

>>9079110
>not much is known about the encentric psyker, Nichi

>>9079124

However, the inquisitor in charge performed a investigation regardless of the lack of evidence, aside from the divergant view of the emperor as a sort of sea deity, like poseidon, he saw little evidence of chaos contaminating the cult, he did notice a percuiler simliarity to pre-empirish influence, that would be nortified and categorized as a simliar to the feral religion's, a deity of a spcific power, in this case, trasportation or nautical travel. on another note there is a particular phrase of psykers or those who can see into the warp, they are treated as examples of piety and trancendence, an interesting deviance, and something to ease the process of finding psykers, such as beichi, he later brought his investigation to inquire those who were "gifted with the emperor's greatest blessing". in his interogations he found that there large numbers untrained psykers, those of whom's leave had to be eased into the local population as a "life long pilgrimage to the eyes of the emperor". his spin to the local populace prevented the crew from lyching the inquisitor and his asociates.

>>9079140

it would not be long before he would identify benichi from the crowd, as the most promising deciple. in benichi he found a candiate for the greyknights, or a inquisitor on par to those that literary slay demons, having him under his patronage would increase his pristage and power. noting his phsyical deficiances


shortly after the incident, he and other childern of no lesser promise were forceably enlisted to serve the imperim and the black ships themselves. it would not be long before he was transfered and had the necessary modifications to his latent psyker abilities for the agency of telepathica, yet his true aligences lie in the inquisition order of disposing individual's who are possesed, although not phsyically qualified to qualify for the greyknights he is capable of providing reconisance for the inquisition, keeping tabs on suposed heretical rogue traders, and governers under the empire's service. he is permited to use his abilities to influence certain individuals when necessary.

was later noted in an autopsy of a inimposed telepathic intrusion, straining most of his body from commiting the act. he and

uncovered at an early age as one of the empaths on boarded to be schooled in the acadamy of telapathy, he adapted several difficult techniques in his mid teens, while perserving several unusall habits, he was rather fond of waving his hand infront of those he communicated or spoke to.

>>9079147

Character description

he is an astropath, probably has seen hereitical pre empire propaganda. suprisingly he has not been sent to the inquisition, his religious beliefs are considered a sub cult to the imperim however they keep an eye on his actions since most of his suposed philosphy might be anti emperor.

likely to be hunted down by battle bitches of the limp pimp emperor.

Jesus god, that's horrible.

>>9079153

At first, I assumed he was a troll, but then I saw a sight he linked me to, and I have gamed with those "people" before.

He is dead serious about all of this.

I'm more interested in hearing about the worst character you ever played WW.

It's shit. But I'd still take it over "hot slim totally religious and agile female assassin in a bodyglove" every time.

>>9079201

It was l5r, I was a ronin duellist, he was fun to play but kind of an asshole in retrospect.

>>9079177

Yegh. That's... that's pretty bad. Not double-super-secret Space Marine from a fallen chapter that now works as an agent of the Imperium bad, but still a horrible hash of a backstory.

I'm wondering why he hasn't gotten his faux-Astropathic ass BLAM!ed by one of the houses.

>on a par with those who literary slay demons
>literary slay demons
>literary

>>9079239

Thats not me making spelling mistakes cause Im drunk (only a little) I copied it straight from the node he sent me on open rpg.

>not much is known about the encentric psyker, Nichi

>pre empire western name "Ben".

> identify benichi

>>9079250
>I copied it straight

Jesus fuck, then it's even worse. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt due to transcription errors.

Just awful.

>>9079257
Let's forget this shitty character topic and talk about Way of the Gun. Fucking great movie.

Tg, can you provide any examples of worse? I can provide examples of almost as bad, but not quite as bad as this one and without nearly as much documentation.

If anyone here uses open rpg, I can actually send you the node.

Also, his character pic was the girl in the rt book with the leather long coat and the bolter.

>>9079286

ITS ON MY NETFLIX LIST, PLEASE DONT SPOIL IT

John freeman who was Gordon Freeman's brother, was one day an office...

>>9079286

I've found "shut that cunt's mouth or I'll come over there and fuck-start her head" and "I'm gonna whip you silly, then I'm gonna fuck you stupid" are phrases of great utility.

>likely to be hunted down by battle bitches of the limp pimp emperor.

Did you add this last part?

>>9079328
Zombie goasts!

I have to kill fast and bullets are too slow!

Oh no! NOT DALLAS!!

>>9079351
No he didn't. In game when he mentioned how shitty this was, he sent it to us all. It's right there in the original

I feel like I just gained an insanity point for reading this.

>>9079351

No, and the group's de facto leader is a sororitas.

>>9079310

Not one that's been made for srs, but my above example of "no, he's really a DOUBLE TRAITOR MARINE, working for the Imperium!" is pretty bad.

>>9079322

Even if someone laid out the entire plot for you, it wouldn't spoil the movie. I've seen it a few dozen times and it's still worth watching.

>>9079351
The best part? The party he was trying to join was led by a Sororitas.

Was it Varity?

>>9079310
I have one. I will spare you the entirety.

I can sum up the horrible in three words

"Female Space Marine"

>>9079395
That's only guaranteed to be horrible if you're a fluff martinet.

>>9079394
Yes it is. She's my bullet shield.

>>9079394

Yup....how did you know?

>>9079395

But were they as deadlysrs as this guy?

>>9079395
Almost as bad as "Close Combat Tau"

Oh, in more news that isn't in this bit of error ridden shit here! He didn't get the fluff of how a space marine is created so he figured he could work towards being a Grey Knight as an achievable career goal.

>>9079424
Farsight enclaves.

>>9079419
It was just an educated guess.

>>9079416

It's "Drizzt of the Mary Sue faction" straight out of the gate. I don't think it could get much worse, without somehow involving "secret child of Emps", "half-Necron", "lost primarch with amnesia", etc.

>>9079441

LIES

Bad character design time then.

Sparklegutz, the galaxy's prettiest ork.

>>9079435
"I thought they gave out scholarships."

>>9079202
it's funny, because death cult assassins are basically that, and canonically too..

however, I doubt the players are going to go all the way with it, and carve out and eat the hearts of the dead. Doubt they'd even collect scalps. Lightweights

>>9079455
No, it's just ignoring a fairly pointless bit of fluff that in no way alters the core feel of the setting.

>>9079460
Alright. For one, you come from time to time to Pink's stream, which occasionally connects to Boomer's. Varity spends time at his stream. Also, I believe you tried to recruit from /tg/, and Varity enjoys playing Sororitas.

>>9079461
No, that's Baus.

>>9079310
I've seen potentially worse concepts, but fortunately the people I play with pulled them off gloriously.
Fabulous Prettyboy Sorcerer, took Prismatic everything. If this wasn't way back in the day, the game would have been full of HARMONY jokes.
Dual-Spiked-Chain-Using Frenzied Berserker, pushed around on a dolly tied up with his spiked chains like Hannibal Lecter about 90% of the time.
Statted Himself Really Goddamned Accurately for a Hunter Game, turns out he would be adorably inept most of the time, and save everyone's bacon about once a month.

Damnit, I want to hear some shitty dh characters. Why can't yall game with more chuds?

>>9079487

So you admit to being a commie spy?

>>9079487

Boy howdy, does she. Put a flamer in her hands and a heretic at the burny end and she's happy as can be.

>>9079499
No Wasteland. Oi'z jus' an ork. An' ork dat uses dat squishy fing in me 'ead.

Do you have balls?

>>9079369

>>9079489
Sweet Christmas THAT THING'S REAL.

>>9079521
A tongue?

>>9079499
>Damnit, I want to hear some shitty dh characters. Why can't yall game with more chuds?

I can't find anyone that'll play DH period.

*sadface.jpg*

>>9079521
Speaking of bad character concepts, I remember the times I played them on forums when I was twelve. I believed I was trying to mooch off of the death knights in Warcraft II, space marines, and orks. It was some kind of a large undead ork thing wearing HUGE CERAMITE PAULDRONS INSCRIBED WITH RUNES AND CANDLEWAX SEALS AND SKULLS EVERYWHERE. HIS HEAD WAS ALSO JUST A SKULL WITH BURNING EYES COURSING WITH ENERGY or something like that.

>>9079556

Play online, thats where the chuddiest chuds are.

>>9079560
Dude.

The worst character ideas I've ever seen is a tie between my David-Bowie-As-A-Crane L5R character, or a dude that played as a son of Sephiroth in a Shadowrun game.

WW, what timezone do you live in and would you be interested in GMing for a group that has recently lost its GM? This would be a while down the line though, as we're going through temp GMs in form of players in the group right now.

>>9079560

The worst were AOL chat rooms, back in the day. Oh look, ANOTHER clone of Rand al'Thor! You say you're the daywalker bastard child of Lestat? You'll fit right in. Take a seat next to the half-dragon dragonborn dragonrider/dragonslayer.

>>9079572

Meh, nobody wants to run games during the obscene hours of the night (stateside), and on days I'm working.

>>9079628

Were you part of that RT group that asked me to dm for them? GOOD JOB REPLAYING TO MY EMAILS YOU RAT BASTARDS.

Pacific time zone and maybe.

>>9079372
>>9079382
What? You should have let him join.
>>9079394
You REALLY should have let him.

>>9079467

Oh, don't get me wrong, I know they're canon. I'm just sick of seeing Faptrina, sexy PVC clad Kleenexus Assassin from the sex world of Sexsex raise her sexy head every time one of my players needs a new character.

Hive World Scum with above average strength and toughness.

Three sessions in the player announced his character was actually a teenage Space Marine scout with amnesia who had been lost on the hive world.

It would have been a workable concept if the guy didn't start pressing me to use these special gamebreaking rules he'd made up.

Don't know if this counts, but I'll post anyway.

It was December '08, or maybe '07. My friends and I loved DH, but barely get to play because we've all got like RPG ADD and can't hold a single campaign for more than two sessions. One of my buddies decides he's going to run "A Grim-Dark Christmas". We're all down. Now the plot is that Abaddon kidnaps Santa as his 14'th Black Crusade. It's up to an alliance of Men, Orks, Tau, and Eldar to stop him.

The retardedness comes from all of our characters.

There's a senile old comissar wearing Terminator armor, a Tau sniper(the most underpowered character, but ultimately the party's saviour), an Ork boy with a big shoota', and me, the assault marine of the BA's, entrusted with the sacred list for the Santa.

>>9079645
Hey Wasteland, can I join your game? It sounds like fun times abound, especially if Varity still acts like she did in an older DH game.

>>9079696
awesome

>>9079696
I dunno. If you didn't intend for that to be too serious, that sounds like win to me.

>>9079696

brb, hollowpoint mouthwash time.

>>9079645
Broseph, email is?

Need confirmation that you are the real WW.
Post nutsack so we can compare to archived records.

>>9079645
Hey WW, Callidon here, found another Rogue Trader game.

Those other guys are still dicks.

>>9079696
There were bad puns, the chaos gods of christmas past present and future, and even the Grither(watch Tales from the Darkside, I think). The Tau sing about "decking harrs with barrs of horry", and I powerfist Abaddon into space in a cartoony fashion shouting what may be my best/worst pun-liner ever.

"Hey, Abaddon! From all of us in the Imperium...Merry Fist-mas!"

>>9079645
No, this was a DH game. About rank 2 when the GM disappeared. With the current schedule it'd translate to about 3-4ish PM pacific, which might be a weird time.

Todays game was filled with hilarity. Like when I rolled a 100 on my WP test to not want to eat human flesh. Cue me taking a chunk out of a corpse while the Assassin was watching. Fuck. (Thank god the cleric was on overwatch at the corridor.)

>>9079720

Wastelandwarriorsuptg@gmail.com

SOme guys were all "Hey, we have an rt group but no dm" and I was all "I'll dm for you if you all email me" and they were all "Emails sent" and then I was all "Sending replies to ask a question" and then they were all "..................................." and I haven't heard from them since.

>>9079749
So that's why you did that! I wasn't paying too much attention, since I wasn't exactly doing anything at the moment.

>>9079728

My phone is dead and I'm not that drunk, so no balls.

Although I am flattered that you want to see them.

>>9079756
Also. WW. Telling my character that from his Daemonology roll that Daemonic Princes of Khorne dislike commitment was pure evil. Especially since with how little options I had to do I was tempted to ask it to marry me.

>>9079110
LOL this same guy tried to make the same character in our campagn. he lasted ONE DAY.

we killed him.

>>9079749

...

At least it was people flesh.

>>9079774
Yeah. Malignancy. I have to make a WP roll whenever I have the chance to eat a freshly killed corpse. If I fail? Human eating time. Also remember that Jerky I was eating after the guy exploded? That was human Jerky.
>>9079783
Yeah. Thankfully the malignancy is limited to human flesh. I wouldn't want to try Tau or Kroot.

>>9079153

I would like to find this person and remove them from the gene pool for this heresy. Good god this is awful.

Also. We already have one unsanctioned Psyker. And Nihilius doesn't like competition. Cue me shooting him for the fact he could out me for being a super mutant.

>>9079749
Hilariously, one character I've rolled [but not had a chance to use yet] is an Assassin who grew up on a mad max death world that the Kroot have settled on.

She's a cannibal, as several of the death cults on the planet have adopted a "if you can't beat 'em, eat 'em" mentality.

Do you need a rulebook of whichever kind in an openrpg game?

HEY WASTELAND.

Remember how you forgot to have the Charnalwatsitz Demon summon bloodletters this session so it went down like a bitch to a crippled one armed assassin cause it had no friends?

Wasn't that great?

>>9079842

HEY, REMEMBER HOW YOU CAN GET A GED AND A JOB!

>>9079812
Yeah, I got the jerky thing. But I looked back from a thread I was in on here and was like "WTF, why is the crazy arbite eating a corpse? I mean, I know he's a cannibal, but the assassin is right by him!" For a minute I'd thought I'd missed something like you guys splitting up or something.

>>9079842

Also, you trusted a calm and rational redemptionist, shame on you.

>>9079834
Shouldn't it be more like "After you've beaten' 'em, eat 'em?"

>>9079849
... You mean OOC you know he's a cannibal right? No one except maybe Var knows IC. (She may have talked to the inquisitor about my habits.)

>>9079812

I was thinking Ork. Isn't ork flesh somewhat poisonous to humans?

>>9079838

It sure helps.

>>9079852
No, shame on you! I didn't even get to kill anything good! Your daemon sucked! Next game better have more to kill.

>>9079852
I don't have that kind of fluff knowledge, dude. That's your fault for assuming I know everything my character does.

And remember how we beat your newly forged daemon with a one armed assassin at -8 wounds using a two handed weapon with one arm?

Remember that?

Huh?

>>9079872
OOC, yeah. IC, I've had no reason to suspect. But since I wasn't there for either of the incidents we're talking about it's kind of a moot point.

>>9079867
...Logically speaking, yes. But basically they've picked up some silly ideas from the Kroot and the sort of primitive "eat their heart for their delicious courage" attitude.

Which is why her little keepsake token is, naturally, a vial of blood.

It's from her favorite kill.

>>9079845
Sent you an email.

>>9079902
Just got yours.

Serious question for DH this thread.

Why do clerics get a cheaper BS but not a cheaper WS? They hardly get anything to use WS with, but they actually get a fair bit of weapon stuff. I'm the second most killy in the group in melee(first being.. of course.. Varity).

Why is their arrangement like this? Why not make the skill they'll ACTUALLY USE cheaper?

>>9079748
To expand on this, you have any days and times that you'd prefer?

>>9079965

Depends, what game? How many characters, how much info will I need to pull out of my ass. I need details.

>>9079919
Because FFG hates you particularly and wants to cause you the maximum amount of stress and confusion.

>>9079996
I KNEEEW IT.

THOSE BASTAARDS.

I had a player want to play an eldar ranger who by chance ran into the acolytes while pursuing similar goals. I warned him that if he lived past the initial meeting, well, he probably wouldn't like it. Ultimately the player, with the other players' help, pulled it off, both surviving and not playing an insufferable sue. All despite a partial lobotomy, a head bomb/tracker a la Total Recall, and barbaric surgery to make him look more stock human.

>>9080031

Wow! A famous DD star!

>>9080031
In fact, I bet that if you were to try Rogue Trader, or Deathwatch when it finally comes out, whichever career path you wind up going with will have exactly the same sort of issue! Illogical talents vs. skills!

WW, do you know suedecat?

>>9079369
hopefully its not to bad.

>>9080072

FUck you buddy.

>>9080056
Huh?

I wasn't in DnD. I have a vagina and tits.

>>9080060
SHIT. THOSE JERKS.

>>9079987
DH, five characters, about as much preptime as you want really. The guy filling in currently is doing a real standup job considering he volunteered out of necessity. When he's done, other players in the group could theoretically take turns until a permanent GM is found.

I don't play DH, but I DO play Inquisitor, and I've seen some real shitty characters in my time.

>>9080093
I was under the impression that you were a man, baby.

My world is now crashing and tumbling around.

>>9080084

I heard about him, can you say anything?

>>9080135

Are any of you associated with someone who goes by any of the following? Suedecat, bart, bartholomew or riles?

>>9080093

You were in Dranon's Delight, starring with Blacky

>>9080165
Nah, Fuuka is a guy.

>>9080172

what is wrong with those people?

>>9080166

Dude's a chud, accused me of trolling in his game because my actions made one player so mad they decided CAMPAIGN OVER because he wrote the campaign about her, an adept who for some reason started with thousands of credits and super secret special psychic ability. Played in one of my games as an imperial cleric who for some reason owned a pizza shop, disrespected everyone he met and pretended to be duke nukem by trying to sleep with everything he met, mentioned tau sex slave a few times more then the acceptable creepy threshold.

>>9080180
Oh, thanks. Now my world has had stability restored.

Have a random pic.

>>9080181

see

>>9080206

>>9080172
Not that I've ever seen, no.

BUT THEN AGAIN WHO TRULY KNOWS THE DARK SECRETS THAT MAN CHOOSES TO HIDE?

>>9080206

WTF

>>9080173
No, I wasn't. That couldn't have been me, even discounting the physical differences.

I would have loved being ripped in half.

The pizza shop made me snort, even if it's out of place.

Everything else is a no go, though.

MORE STORIES, I AM BORED AND HORNY

>>9079059

I guess this isn't really about the background, but more an issue with the overall character.

One of the members of our group is, or should I say was, an Arbites. Background was pretty standard fare, that wasn't really the issue. The thing was that as a character he didn't really go for the "subtle investigation" bit. Simply put he was blunt and frequently tried to intimidate people into giving him what he wanted, generally at shotgun point. Now, normally this wouldn't be so much of an issue, except he did it to damn near everyone. Especially people who were tight lipped about giving out their name.

This turned out to be a massive problem when combined with one of the GM's little quirks. With this particular GM we had noticed something when talking with NPCs, that you could tell that an NPC was really important if, when asked who they were, they responded with the phrase "oh, I'm no one of consequence." If they really were no one of consequence they would just come out and tell you their name, so the people who didn't just freely give out their names were the people to watch out for. And this is where we run into a problem, those are the exact same people that the Arbites usually ended up threatening to shoot.

In the midst of shooting heretics and bystanders, he also shot the agents of two different inquisitors because they wouldn't answer his questions. This alienated a lot of the various factions that we were dealing with, closing off a lot of avenues for investigation and making our job a whole lot harder.

>>9080285

>>9080310

Only if youre pretty.

MORE STORIES!!!! ANY BAD CHARACTERS, NOT JUST DH, I WANT TO RAGE.

Oh.

This session. Our mission is to destabilize a planet, right? Well we decide getting the under hive to rebel against the upper hive would be grand. So we search out a Redemptionist Preacher to help spread a few rumors about a sudden water outage that happened.

I start talking him up. Things look to be going well.

But we get a little too close to him. He swings at us with his EVISCERATOR. You know. The giant five foot chainswords that rebound on the user if you fuck up.

He rolls a 100.

Then fails his Agility test.

He chops his ass in half. He also had a flamer with big fuel tanks on him. Those go up. SO he is SPLORCHED in half and burning to death.

We wanted to incite a riot. That seems to do it. Bunch of people go marching off to cause trouble.

>>9080378

And this is why I never bothered with the fidgety little buggers. They may pack a wallop, but given my dice rolling skills I just don't want to risk it.

>>9080304
Welcome to all my acolytes.

Probably my worst player (he's gotten better) went through. . .well, three characters that all went to chaos nearly as soon as they heard about them. First character was a tech priest, of all people, and found a chaotic book on two psykers on the lam. He tries to ambush the other member of the party and fails, ultimately dying. Second character is a guardsman. On a planet loosely based off Xomula and the marshland surrounding where I live, this guardsman gets fed up with the character who survived the first "lol I go to chaos techpriest" and decides that he must die. So instead of accidentally killing him in his sleep, the guardsman goes chaos. Just because another acolyte was annoying him. He takes a break, plays a decent character, but comes back with a psyker whose "seen the rough side of life" and has chaos symbols tattooed all over his body. With a sister of battle in the party. That character lasted a session.

>>9080285
Hey WW have you read Tyrone the Monk?

>>9080369

Hey, now that I see you, how'd that Fallout online game turn out? I sat in for one of the early ones, but never got my shit together and got into the game proper.

>>9080416
My cleric used an eviscerator for many sessions with absolutely no issue. So it was extra special hilarious for me because this poor bastard blows it in the worst way with a 100 on his first and only roll ever.

Hilarious. Fucking hilarious.

I also found a nearby bar right after that. Ran in and yelled about a preacher dieing(I didn't specify on purpose) and a bunch of people marching off to cause trouble while saying they were going to make them pay.

Worked like a charm. Though then the bar owner got mad with me for running off every single patron. So I pay him a load of cash to not smash me(Ogryn), and he demands I drink that much worth of alcohol so it doesn't look like he cooks his books.

Idea. I tell him to put it all in one big keg and cart it off. Perfect bonfire fuel for more rioting!

Accidents just seem to work in my favor. Always.

You want a chud? I'll give you a fucking chud.

Victus Khan. Victus Motherfucking Khan.

An Adept in Dark Heresy that REDACTED, a semi-regular player, wanted to play. Now REDACTED is NOT a dick normally- no, I've got better judgment than that. However, fate aligned in such a way that REDACTED would be given an unfortunately large amount of freedom around an equally unfortunately large supply of prescription medication while he was making this character and just prior to the beginning game session. REDACTED, full of crackling energy and the devil-buzz of state-mandated doses of SPEED, produced this creature of madness. Victus Khan.

>>9080452
>dat picture

>>9080469

Now, a very important element of understanding this... thing. He rolled for this character. Using only the Dark Heresy main book, he rolled this completely under GM supervision. Our GM had ruled that all rolls must be followed, to keep everything "as the Emperor designs it." He was meaning this jokingly. If he knew what his words would lead to, he would have shut his dirty little whore mouth. Sadly, hindsight is 20/20. I digress. To the point.

Victus Khan. He was an Imperial World Adept with a (rolled) 39 WS, 23 BS, 36 S, 32 T, 31 Ag, *22* Int, *24* Per, 40 WP, and 45 Fel. Oh yes. He couldn't do shit for shit, but that's how it was rolled exactly. GM offered to let REDACTED switch around the stats, but he would have none of it. The Emperor would have his way.

We HAD this one guy, Darrius Veltman, in our current Inquisitor campaign. Backstory is that we're a bunch of people colonizing a new world, and this guy's a criminal who's been given a chance at a pardon if he doesn't fuck up. Because of this, he has an implant that zaps him if he disobeys orders or gets over 50m away from this one tracking device.

First thing, the colony ship goes down and people are sent out scavenging for supplies. Darrius finds a crate full of food, and being the crook that he is, decides to steal some. He then decides to try and damage the box so it looks like the food was destroyed and not stolen. He punches the box. No damage. He then kicks the box and stubs his toe. He tries to SUPLEX the thing and rolls an epic fail - yes, this means he gets hit in the head by the crate.

Eventually, he just gives up and bashes it with the butt of his Stubgun. At this point, the officer has shown up and he just gets the lid back on in time. "Dunno what's in this one, havent opened it yet."

Needless to say, he gets found out and tortured next session.

Lame? Just you wait..

>>9080440
Sisters are fun. I can't see myself playing one well but I definitely play better when there's one in the party, if that makes sense.

Anybody have any stories on DH interparty conflicts?

>>9080479

1.75m/65kg, 45 years old, dyed White hair, Dyed white skin, and grey eyes. Oh, and an Aquila tatto. Victus Khan, creepy pale Imperial Shrine worlder Adept with fuckall in anything other than fightan and fellowship. It was looking bad for REDACTED's Adept from the beginning, but then came the Imperial Divination. He rolled. I'm told the GM was caught his breath and gasped. Maybe all the lights on some city street went out at once. The dice showed 01.

Okay, the GM must have thought. A random minor mutation. Bit difficult for a Shrine Worlder but should make for interesting roleplay. Easy enough to deal with. Let's see which... REDACTED rolled again, this time on the minor mutation table. Repeat the earlier scene. 100, gleaming in intricate detail on those sinister dice.

>>9080452

The one I was in that was with the chuds? Quit to play in a 40k league.

The one I ran, had to quit due to my dad's insane gf.

>>9080486

Okay, the GM must have thought. A MAJOR mutation. Fairly difficult, but maybe he won't have to reroll within the first session. Should make for a teachable moment about the Inquisitorial Zero-Tolerance policy. Let's see which... REDACTED rolled once more. I swear, someone either woke from a coma, or maybe Ben Kenobi was just diving this very moment, because I can tell you it was the real beginning of the end. 50, damn the dice. 50 on the Major Mutation table. Ravaged Body.

Ravaged Body, if you didn't know, is a semi-problematic mutation. You get 1d5 minor mutations, all of which show the taint of chaos obviously in some manner.

>>9080492

REDACTED, undaunted by his luck with rolling, tossed the dice again. A 5 on a d10, which translates to a 3 on a d5. Three minor mutations. That's not so bad, the GM must have been thinking. Could have been worse. Could have been... REDACTED rolled for one of his minor mutations. 100, then 100. That, if you did not know, turned minor to major mutation, and then the most major of major mutations. Hellspawn. Hellspawn that is OBVIOUSLY CHAOS IN ORIGIN. Let's just say, Victus Khan looked... difficult.

He now had From the Beyond, Daemonic, Fear Rating 2 and a Psy Rating of 2. He makes eight out of every ten "normal" people go into shock just for seeing him.

REDACTED continued. Two more rolls to go, he said. Fucker. Two more rolls. Tox Blood and Brute. Thats a +10 to resist poison, +10 to S and T, and -10 to Ag. Also -1d10 to both Fel and Int. He rolled a 1 for Fel, and a 10 for Int. Oh goodie. A retard strong daemonic Adept with an Int of 22 that makes people gibber when they see him. Who is also psychic. And has toxic blood. But no! said REDACTED. He's a good, religious Imperial Worlder. Certainly he would either be shamed enough to turn himself in or kill himself just to be sure!

Well, yes, maybe. If his Int wasn't now 12. This, by the way, puts his mind on the equivalent level as a small child's Strength. He wasn't too sharp. The GM mulled this over, and while he mulled it over, REDACTED put together the last bits of his... character.

>>9080499

Unremarkable is in the Adept beginning talents list. They can start out with this. It might seem like a small thing to you, dear reader, but oh dear lord it is not. -20 to trying to describe you or even REMEMBER THINGS YOU DID.

So REDACTED looked at his skills and his talents and then his XP to spend and he is displeased. "Please, GM," he said, "Let me take Elite Advances of Disguise, Charm, Deceive, and Blather!" The GM agreed, because it seems the only way that such a character could survive. Maybe he learned something from that. Don't let illogical characters survive.

So now we have a disguised, charming, mischeivous retard strong daemonic psyker Adept who is white as a sheet, covered in chaos marks, throwing people into shock should they ever see him undisguised, with an Int of 12 and a Fel of 44 and a strength of 46 and... TOXIC BLOOD and just... Chud. Chud is all I can say. Victus Khan.

>>9080440

Well, the Arbite got better. After he died and made a new character anyway. He ended up pressing his luck one too many times, threatening one of the second inquisitor's more important minions with a shotgun and demanding to know her name. A Harlequin's Kiss is a very messy way to die.

And actually it's kind of funny that you mention crazy hereteks, cause the coolest member of our group is a tech priest who just dove right into all sorts of heresy without ever turning back. You know all those 7 big no noes in the radicals handbook (at least I think that's where they are)? He has so far done 6 of them, he's only missing daemon summoning.

>>9080514

Kill it, Kill it dead. You ever see slingblade? he is an evil psychic version of Karl Childers. For the love of all that is good and holy hit it with a flamer over and over again until nothing but ash remains, then piss in those ashes. With his ag he wont survive. If he gets all pissy say you did it in character because he is quite obviously a warp spawned abomination.

>>9080514

Now he had to choose 3 Minor Psychic powers. What does speed-addled REDACTED choose first? Oh, yes, the most useful psychic power of all. SPASM. It gets better. Next power is FORGET ME. Oh yes, didn't I mention that VICTUS is an unremarkable demon beast? Now he can make you forget him EVEN MORE. And because he'd been rolling so "well", REDACTED chose Lucky as his last minor psychic power. Lucky. Fucker still probably laughs about that shit.

Our first mission was on a Hive World. Victus Khan was our Adept, though strangely he just seemed to never really get mentioned as to what he was supposed to do in our group. We were intended to hunt down some suspected cultists in the lower hive corridors, though it would require someone with a good knowledge of Administorum procedure, which I suppose was Victus's job, though no one ever actually thought to ask him. I'm not going to go into detail about what actually happened to Victus Khan in the end, but I will tell you this: REDACTED was the only one in the group who never had to reroll his character.

>>9080552
The Emperor works in mysterious ways. Victus Khan was clearly a vessel for his Holy Wrath, sent to visit great doom upon the enemies of Man.

>except he calls himself under the more pre empire western name "Ben"
>percived the emperor as a master of an unseen force
>he was able to determine how the collective or individual percived and to some extent influence there behavior,
>he was rather fond of waving his hand infront of those he communicated or spoke to.

.: Fuck you, Benichi.

>>9080550

Don't you see, WW? I TRIED. That fucker always had Lucky prepared, damn the Psychic Phenomena. Why do you think *I* had to reroll?

>>9080577

I don't quite think so. He was pretty much constantly making every other Imperial character look like an ass while being the luckiest fucker in the world. Think Forrest Gump meets Hellraiser.

Oh god.. I can't stop laughing. My god.

>>9079354
Which was NICE PLACE, and MY FRIEND LIVES THERE!

In other news, tell me more of Victus Khan's dickery.

>>9080611

Also, the Daemonic bit meant only really good flamer hits even had a chance to hurt him, what with his TB of 8 for all non-force/holy/psychic attacks.

He "obtained" Carapace armor early on too which only made the toxblood daemon adept more confusing. And because he was "unremarkable" and able to charm/deceive his way out of almost all situations, he got a way with a LOT of shit. Bastard.

>>9080482
Same person. Most of my Dark Heresy group is run off of interparty conflicts.

There's one planet who's name is slipping from my fingers, but it's fluffed as a water pleasure world where the sisters run an insane asylum for the rich, famous, and psychically dangerous. The players have to pick up a psyker from this asylum. The only way there is a massive hybrid cruise ship/insane ward where nobles are able to gawk at the sights of the oceans and the insane and the sisters get to run a tight ship.

Enter the acolytes. We have three acolytes who've been together for some time now. The fourth, a tech priest, is a recent addition. He's been told by superiors in the ad mech to operate under the Inquisitor, cooperate with the other acolytes, but most importantly, figure out with this Inquisitor is doing. Second night on the cruise, a noble is found murdered, a chaos star painted in his blood. Needless to say, the sisters flip their shit and the entire ship goes on lockdown.

>>9080552

I can only imagine your Inquisitor's expression when he decides to personally meet the remarkable acolyte that has been doing so well in his service.

I generally GM games, and my players aren't imaginative enough to make their characters anything other than mediocre.

I did play in one game, however, that had an impossibly terrible DMPC.

It was an online Dark Heresy game, and our GM wasn't content to simply do his job.

Instead, we got Severus Darkk, the most badass Inquisitor this side of the sector.

Black hair. Black leather trench coat. Power katana. Sniper rifle that one-shotted a bloodthrister.

Also, motorcycle with dual stormbolters.

He would frequently show up to kill the big bads, small bads, and bads we weren't even aware of. If any situation didn't go how he had planned it, Inquisitor Darkk was always nearby to set us straight. If anyone took more than a modicum of damage, there was always a convenient skylight or pane glass window for him to burst through and save us.

I shit you not.

At one point, while clearing out a warehouse full of chaos worshipers, he arrived via his aforementioned preferred method of entrance no less than four times. I had to imagine, in the back of my head, that the good Inquisitor had spent hours beforehand installing zip lines on the exterior of the building.

I will never forget those times. I left after three sessions.

>>9080706

Tell me more.....

Also, I once one shotted a bloodthirster in dark heresy as a pc. Shit was cash.

>>9080693
> Needless to say, the sisters flip their shit and the entire ship goes on lockdown.

And this is why I don't like working with them. Honestly, one little deal with the Ruinous Powers and BLAM. A bunch of hardasses if you ask me.

>>9080660
Victus Khan, beloved hero of the imperium - only ONE MAN knows the dark truth but NO ONE BELIEVES HIM.

"ARE YOU GUYS KIDDING ME!? I saw him PULL OFF HIS OWN FACE when he thought no one was looking and there was only a TENTACLE WITH EYES made out of COLORS I DON'T KNOW."

"What? He's such a nice guy! You should be more like HIM."

"He is a shapeshifting NIGHTMARE BEAST."

You later go mad with frustration and jealous and Tzeentch wins.

>>9080706
Must hear moar.

>>9080747
Oh wow. When you put it like that...

>>9080747
Goshdangit I tell ya he's a chicken!

>>9080699

The thing is, he HAS met Victus Khan around 13 different times, but never knowingly. The GM comes up with surprisingly clever plans for the Inquisitor to capture Victus Khan. REDACTED continues to plow through those plans with sheer bloodymindedness and luck. Officially, Inquisitorial records dictate that Victus Khan is dead. He died on his first mission, in fact. Unofficially, that fucker has been everything except a Tech Priest, each incarnation more incredibly bizarre than the last. Victus Khan the Cleric was entertaining briefly, except he couldn't actually succeed any of the Int tests to remember Imperial hymns so he just rolled Blather tests until people just assumed he knew what he was talking about.

Seriously. Victus motherfucking Khan.

>>9080706
WITH HEROES LIKE THESE WHO NEEDS ACOLYTES?

>>9080765

This is both terrible and brilliant. What about his fellow acolytes, though?

>>9080706
>Severus Darkk

I WOULD HAVE KILLED THE GM ON THE SPOT. SHITFUCKING CUNTDICKS, I JUST SHATTERED MY TEETH FROM RAGE.

>>9080693
The techpriest was aware that a demon was involved in the acolytes' last mission and comes forward, directing the sisters in the direction of the three most likely tainted. What he doesn't know is that one of the three survivors had been partially possessed by a chaos artifact before turning it in to the Inquisitor. The most naive of the three survivors confides in the techpriest, who then takes this new bit of information to the sisters.

I had intended for this to play out a little bit like Murder on the Orient Express, but by this time the three survivors are jumping through hoops, merely trying to survive the sisters' "questions." Two roll poorly enough on fellowship to be held in cells reserved for the insane, stripped to underclothes, and chained to the ceiling and floor. Leaving the naive acolyte out and about looking for ways to prover their innocence.

>>9080706
> I had to imagine, in the back of my head, that the good Inquisitor had spent hours beforehand installing zip lines on the exterior of the building.

Oh wow. That... that's so horrible it's great.

A DMPC in a shadowrun game who would in the span of a session go from gleefully killing police and mercs to bemoaning the plight of orphan children in his home of c-squat.

He was also completely emo about it. He would run off to drink his problems away when he got bad news, expected the pcs to come and... talk him down or something. The problem was of course that our characters were not yet friends. This was the first or second session. All the characters were still trying to get to know each other and become acquainted.

I think we flat out told the DM that in order to accommodate his character, ours could not be properly RP'd and the game just died.

Fuck... Victus sounds like Fumbles and Nihilius combined... Nihilius rolled 3 mutations on character creation from divination and corruption. (But he's a smart ass with a current int of 62.) And Fumbles always have good Fel + a bunch of shitty other stats. REDACTED! BROTHER!

>>9080732

I knew it was going to be bad. I marched on regardless.

I've always had a distrust of online games with complete strangers. No gauge of character, no history of play style. Just never seemed like a good idea.

I got desperate after my group split up, and went against my better judgment. I found a game, sent in my character sheet (an investigation focused arbitrator) and hoped for the best.

His reply was the first sign of many terrible things to come. He informed me that he liked my character, but though it wouldn't fit well in his setting. When I inquired as to why, I received the reply "It's a combat heavy game."

Yeah. Alright. I can dig it. Nothing special.

I reworked my character sheet and sent it back, trying my best to retain my original idea while beefing my ballistics. I got the okay, and we moved on.

The next sign was a three week period of silence.

I don't mean sparse emails, "sorry for the delay" or "been really busy lately."

I mean silence. Cold. Dead. Silence. My emails went unanswered, and I wrote off the endeavor as a failure. He did eventually come back, although he offered no excuse or apology.

I thought, fuck it. I'm already a month into it. Might as well just go with it. WHAT A FOOL I WAS.

>>9080706
That is now completely connected in my mind with the image of Chuck in Delta Force with the dual rocket launching motorcycle mixed with Schwarzenegger terminator mixed with Batman.

>>9080785

They usually die around the time Victus Khan shows that he knows fuck all about what he's doing.

Example: Victus Khan is conducting a meeting between the local gang in a hive world factory and the acolyte team, this time in his guise as the scum. He fails his Common Lore check and tells everyone to wear a bandanna wrapped around their arm- the sign of the rival gang. During the ensuing bloodbath, in a fit of tardfury Victus cries out SPASM at someone. Spasm casting triggers peril of the warp, Chronological Incontinence, which makes him disappear for 1d10 rounds. His target just so happens to be the ganger holding the trigger to explosives that have been laced throughout the abandoned factory.

Victus Khan reappears, the abandoned factory crumbled around him. He picks up the charred ID and clothing of the Guardsmen, grabs the object of the mission from the ruins, and makes his merry way back to the Inquisitorial contact.

>>9080857

With a shit-eating grin on his face, no doubt.

>>9080826

Once we had gathered all the necessary participants, our "trial mission" started. This was, I thought, a way to gauge the strengths of each character and player.

We woke up alone, in a blank white room. No idea how we got there, we simply were. The next room was a puzzle, if you could call it that. There were a number of pillars with spheres balanced on them with unreadable writing on them. There were no instructions, so I tried touching one.

Nothing.

Lift?
No.

Throw?
Nyet.

Shoot that shit?
Unbreakable.

After fruitlessly trying to advance, he tells me I'm supposed to move the spheres to the pedestal that matches its color.

No, color wasn't mentioned before. WHOOPS.

Apparently, I was supposed to ask a very specific question regarding something that should've been explained in the first place. MY BAD SORRY GM GUY.

>>9080789
The formerly possessed acolyte and an assassin, meanwhile, are left to rot. Interestingly enough, out of the party at this time, these two would be the ones the sisters would want to execute, the possessed having enough corruption points to gain that goddamn unkillable necrophage mutation, the assassin having the malignancy to carve tattoos into his flesh after battle. Such as that battle with the demon and its followers. So, on his shoulder is a tiny, crude Slaanesh symbol.

I roll perception for the sisters, and luckily, they fail. The techpriest, now trusted by the sisters and standing with them behind the one way mirror into these cells, does not. And realizing the consequences of not informing the SoBs if they find out later, he points it out to them. The investigation is called off, a public execution is scheduled for the morning, and the tech priest gets off scot-free and continues to work with the now two survivors.

In an ironic twist of fate, the assassin's next character, a psyker, winds up killing the naive acolyte and tech priest on accident by causing lights to go out in an underground facility during a close quarters fight.

>>9079147 it would not be long before he would identify benichi from the crowd, as the most promising deciple

I wonder if this is supposed to be a reference to "History's Strongest Disciple Kenichi".

>>9080857
OH GOD.

>>9080824
IT'S WORSE.

HE'S GOT LUCKY'S LUCK TOO.

>>9080857
WAT?

>>9080905

The next room was just a single guy to kill. Nothing special. Not sure why it was in there.

After the fight, the next door was found to be locked, with an obvious mechanism that needs me to put my hand inside of it.

Being a tad agitated, I asked which color it was, to which he responded "grey." I'm hoping he was just ignoring the sarcasm.

Once through, the door opened into some grand throne room where an eldar went into an unnecesarily long explanation of what happened, which was, in more words, "I drugged you and brought you here and put you through childish tests for the lulz."

AND THEN THERE WAS BATTLE.

As you can imagine, it didn't fare well for me. Fully armored eldar with weaponry vastly superior to mine? There was no chance.

BUT SUDDENLY

INQUISITOR.

POWER KATANA GO!

And then the eldar was dead.

He introduced himself, and I had to turn off my mic so that he didn't hear my stifled giggles.

And through the entirety of the dialogue, he used some kind of Darth Vader kind of breathy-talky combination.

That grates on the nerves after a bit.

So it turns out, it was some kind of big Inquisition test.

Yeah. Don't ask me. I am somewhat grateful that I do not understand.

AND THAT WAS OUR FIRST SESSION. HUZZAH.

>>9081000

Wow....just wow.....someone was writing fan fiction.

>>9081000

I really need a "my head is full of fuck" image right now.

>>9081000
I don't know if you were a trooper or a masochist for sticking it out.

>>9081000
> POWER KATANA GO!
> And then the eldar was dead.

>>9081000

IT JUST KEEPS GETTING WORSE. YOU MUST FIND THIS MAN AND KILL HIM FOR THE GOOD OF THE SPECIES.

>>9081021

If he was a trooper it'd imply that he was enduring hardship for some greater cause. There was no good to be found in this game. He should have turned tail and run.

>>9081015
>>9081017

I quit eventually, saying that my job conflicted with the game schedule.

I did keep in contact with one of the other players, though. Apparently, it got worse after I left. It would seem, if I recall correctly, that the good GM had the party protecting a building from an oncoming chaos invasion.

This consisted of shooting...
And shooting.
And more shooting.

One entire session of simply rolling to combat. This lasted until INQUISITOR DARKK showed up with his signature boltercycle and ruined chaos' shit.

>>9080950
>>9080973

I swear, the GM showed us his notes later, apparently he had planned for the guy to reveal himself to be a traitor ganger who was going to defect to "our side" which he thought was the rival gang. Victus Khan chose the exact wrong person. A lot of the OH GOD moments in that came were because the GM is very specific and always plays whats on the table, never changing things to make it easier on him or us. He very clearly marks who has what and which creatures are which and keeps them organized in his notes.

This all culminates to one thing: Victus fucking Khan was a "lucky" bastard, if you can call him that. He actually started making a name for himself to explain the surprising amount of success-from-failure in our missions, using an alias. He was always playing the part of intermediary between himself and his alter ego.

Being that he had a 12 Int, I'm betting you can guess his alter ego was not the most clever of creations. Spez Ultimaroon, elite Inquisitorial Agent. The (not so intelligent) lies he told about Spez were legendary, if only because of the astounding lack of actual logical sense. Think AND THEN JOHN WAS THE DEMONS style fanfic stuff. Victus liked to play Adept and write up the tales as reports of the action. That simple, lucky bastard.

Killed me twice, the fucker. At least one of them was on accident. (RE: Factory fiasco)

>>9081017
>>9081000

Gotcha covered.

>>9081069

REDACTED is still a chud for making him though. And making him actually function despite all odds.

>>9081069
Second time please.

>>9081067
> Apparently, it got worse after I left.

I find this difficult to believe.

>>9081067
Chaos stands no chance

>>9081069
>Killed me twice, the fucker

I'm sorry, but I laughed at your pain.

>>9081069
>Spez Ultimaroon
>Spez Ultimaroon
>Spez Ultimaroon
OH GOD I LOST MY SHIT CANNOT STOP LAUGHING

A psyker with machine resurrection, power armor and an energy blade.

YES VADER, I'M LOOKING AT YOU

>>9081110

It's fine, it's what I get for playing the Cleric and thinking "Hey, mutant, burn nao" without knowing the previous bit about HE'S A DEMONZ. I tried to flamer him, he spasm'd me and then ran me over with a Chimera. All's fair. Except for that stupid Lucky power.

Speaking of, I was the Cleric he was impersonating. Tybalt Cain was a bit of a bad naming choice on my part.

"The Orks are the pinnacle of creation. For them, the great struggle is won. They have evolved a society which knows no stress or angst. Who are we to judge them? We Eldar who have failed, or the Humans, on the road to ruin in their turn? And why? Because we sought answers to questions that an Ork wouldn't even bother to ask! We see a culture that is strong and despise it as crude."
- Uthan the Perverse, Eldar Philosopher

Just as Orks are perfectly adapted to a war wrought galaxy, whatever the hell Victus Khan is, he is a creature perfectly evolved to surviving - and thriving - in a Dark Heresy game. Who are we to judge him? It is obvious his creation is superior, no matter how completely pants-on-head-retarded he may be.

>>9081158
>he spasm'd me and then ran me over with a Chimera

And now I am laughing more.

>literary slay demons
BIBLE FIGHT, MUTHAFUCKA

>>9081067

All of our sessions were almost identical in format, for the three I stuck through at least.

Imagine every session of D&D, being sent to fight kobolds and goblins.

Then, after you've killed them all, a tarrasque shows up. After shitting yourself in terror and fruitlessly trying to kill it, Drizzt shows up on a horse made of Orbs of Annihilation, does a backflip off, and kills it with a vorpal blade made of the souls of dead gods.

Then he tells you can go in any direction, but if you go anywhere but south, nothing will happen.

He then rides off into the sunset, disappearing as mysteriously as he arrived.

That is what I did.

For three sessions.

They were very hard times.

>>9081173

Normally I'd disapprove of his sort of madness (grimdark is SERIOUS BUSINESS), but the man is far too entertaining and fits the setting to hate. Clearly he's some bastard child of Tzeentch, his dad having decided that one of his master plans should involve a comprehensive mockery of the Inquisition.

Bumping this awesome thread with a character from one of our groups.

Cyrus James was the single most pathetic guardsman I've ever seen. Not from a mechanical standpoint; he was actually quite good as a general soldier/sniper. Being a nobleborn eased his social skills a little too as well. But the guy playing him... he was just a THAT GUY, basically.

From the time he offered a chief magistrate of the adeptus arbites, who had personally appeared to oversee what we had fucked up, Vostroyan vodka as some sort of bribe, to his eventual demise letting the wrong person in the same room as him, he was simply... completely clueless about everything. He didn't have much/any backstory, thus never mentioned to me what he wanted as his vendetta, but I finally found it.

As the scion to his family, his general clueless demeanour would cause their inevitable downfall. They couldn't let him do that. Someone else would have to take the throne, like his second cousin, the next in line. A guy with good business sense and a strong sense of conviction.

Our feral world assassin (who once tagteamed with our arbite to shockmaul a giant bear in the balls, then took them from its corpse as a trophy/carrybag), was hired by his family to kill him. Which he tried on multiple occasions. Cyrus never retaliated once. The closest he got was paying our other assassin to watch his back, which never happened because he was seconded elsewhere.

Our assassin finally got his window of opportunity. The party is holed up in a cathedral fighting genestealer cultists, and Savage, our *melee focussed* assassin, breaks from killing stealers in the courtyard to bolt up to the belltower and asks to unlock it so he can come in. With a heavy heart, I watch as Cyrus obliges him and opens the door. Savage wastes no time slicing him in half with an eviscerator.

Good end?

>>9081118

Yeah, yeah, at the time I was like... "Wouldn't the Inquisitorial Agents notice?"

GM: "Let's see, first of all they have to recall the event itself (of Victus Khan explaining to them the deeds of Spez Ultimaroon), and then they'd have to think he's anything other than some idiot-savant Adept hanging around the contact spot. Then they'd have to put two and two together... Y'know, I don't think so, no. I'll roll though..." *roll* *grin* "Actually, they DO take notice. They give Victus Khan an Inquisitorial honor to give to Spez Ultrimaroon because they think he's done so well."

With Victus writing most or all of the paperwork for the missions, things got covered up pretty quickly. Well, sort-of. See, once again, Victus Khan was semi-retarded. So he wasn't all that great at filling out paperwork and reports. The Administorum doesn't really appreciate shit like that, so... he eventually filled out a form in such a way as to alert the Administorum to shenanigans, and they sent out a hitsquad after the inquisitorial cell to hunt down whoever was filling out the forms incorrectly.

Many innocent Adept lives were lost to combat servitors. Victus Khan lived to see another day.

>>9081244
Jesus fucking christ.

He is so stupid he pisses people off left and right.

He is so fucking lucky everyone thinks he's someone else.

>>9081244
Victus Khan Memetic super adept.

>>9081244

I reiterate; the galaxy itself is watching his back. The Changer of Ways must have a hand in this.

If he has less than 5 fate points I'd be surprised.

>>9081244
Problem, Adepts?

>>9081293
So, the question-

Victus Khan versus Grendel. Who win?

>>9081173
>>9081181
>>9081236

I dunno, he wasn't all fun and games. Now, looking back on it it's pretty funny, but when you're there and REDACTED is saying "Wait, Victus has switched bodies with the witchhunter? ... He slits his (the witchhunter's) throat out of sheer fear with anything nearby because he thinks he's been possessed by demons." and you're like WHAT OH SHIT BUT and then it happens and the nearest (known) psyker is immediately BLAM'd by the accompanying Sororitas (one of my poor friends who joined the game later without knowledge of Victus Khan), it's more WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT than HARHARHAR.

He also tended to be able to bullshit out of any situation whatsoever due to his blather skill and people not remembering him. I'm sure he could have been a massive serial killing rapist if he wasn't actually roleplayed fairly accurately as an Emperor-worshipping/fearing idiot-savant. Once again, Hellraiser and Forrest Gump.

>wasteland warrior

Fuck this should be good.

>>9081351

Nothing of worth is achieved without sacrifice. You and your fellow players suffered so that we might know the tale of Victus Khan.

>>9081317

I dunno, I don't think they'd ever fight. Victus would keep accidentally sending bad shit towards Grendel, Grendel would righteous fury his way through it, and I think they'd find a happy medium.

>>9081380

Have I mentioned that Victus Khan, in his game history, had rolled Daemonhost on Perils of the Warp a total of 9 times? Each time with Lucky prepared beforehand so he just rerolled it?

Yeah, we suffered. Yeah, it was worth it. Victus motherfucking Khan and his shit-eating dumbass grin.

>>9081423
This guy needs Fate Points. Lots of them.

>>9081449

He has 'em. I don't think he needs them, though.

>>9081476

With that, I think I'll call it a day with my tale-telling. Should this thread be up later, or if I feel especially kind, I'll get on /tg/ and tell the middle and end of Victus Khan's story.

>>9081489
Please do, sir. You made my night worthwhile.

>>9081489

I was assuming that the game petered out amidst the madness of Victus Khan. Are you telling me something occurred that laid him low?

One of my players wanted his assassin to be trained by an outcast Dark Eldar.
His story was, that he was captured by (not chaos-)pirates at a young age and won a gladiatorial match on their ship, which gave him the right to be trained by said DE (said pirates consisting of mostly humans, with a few xenos in between). After a few years of training by the Dark Eldar he becomes an accomplished assassin and when the Inquisition storms the pirates gets inducted as an Acolyte.

The player is still pissed at me for saying no to that story. "HELL NO!!!!" to be precise.

>>9081121
I just realized how easily I can make my inquisitor into this.

>>9081584

Xeno-trained assassin isn't right out, especially for a Radical campaign, but Eldar working with closely with individuals of other races? Not happening.

>>9081317
Grindel can kill anything with rightous fury.
Victius can survive anything by sheer luck.
They fight herisy.

Somebody fund that.

>>9081563

I'd like to imagine that due to some horrific, Inquisitorial Battle Barge wreaking incident, Victus manages to kill a major daemon, get the rest of the Acolytes killed, and gets stranded on a distant planet somewhere with a box of Warhammer minis, where his retarded ass can play out the adventures of SPEZ ULTRAMAROON for the rest of his life. Or ride Tyranids or something.

I guess we'll find out when that guy gets back.

I keep reading Victus as Rictus.

>>9081626

Not >>9081584, but the main antagonist of the campaign I'm in is a radical inquisitor who seems to be sort of working with an eldar harlequin, trading xenotech for favors. Also a part of the sort of loose coalition that he's put together is a team of hrud saboteurs. Damn if those guys don't pop up at the worst times to wreck our shit. Fuckin' bendies.

So once you get powerful enough and radical enough, dealing with xenos is not out of the question. But yeah, low level pirates rubbing shoulders with dark eldar is stupid.

So, who's going to make Victus a mid level BBEG now?

Someone archieve this shit for the awesome tale of Victus Khan.

>>9082013

I was contemplating it, but I think that my RT group has had enough complications for now. The Lord-Captain is rather distressed about being unable to raise the funds to fix his ship and go sailing again. I think if another problem cropped up he'd go rabid.

i want to read more about Victus Motherfucking Khan

Bumping this up for more stories.

Bump for Victus Kahn

Bump

>>9088028

Alright, you dicks. I'm back to tell you the next part of Victus Khan's horribly sordid story.

As I said earlier, Victus Khan officially died on the first mission. How, you might ask? Well, it's simple, my dear friend. In the middle of the first fight, Victus Khan attempt to use Logic to figure out a tactically superior way to deal with the enemy. He rolled a 99. The GM ruled that this meant Victus Khan decided that if he could not see the enemy, the enemy could not see him, and he covered his eyes and ran off in a random (scatter-determined) direction firing off his stub revolver. In the midst of the roaring firefight, no one on the acolyte team noticed one piddly Adept disappearing. Later, the party having survived the firefight, the corrupt Arbites, who was running the team, reported the Adept KIA because A: the Adept was gone and the paperwork for MIA was nigh incomprehensible, and B: he couldn't remember what the Adept looked like so he was fairly sure he must be one of the dead bodies they left there.

Meanwhile, while the mission was actually being done by the other players and I (it was some semi-interesting cult intrigue thing), Victus Khan was convincing the local Arbites that he belonged there in the precinct, because he saw a "really cool" stun baton and REDACTED figured that Victus would want that more than anything.

>>9088259

Now, remember here, Victus Khan is horrifying should you actually look at him. He has been disguised as a humble old man this entire time, an act which Victus Khan affectionately referred to as "playing faces" whenever he was caught out in his disguise. Usually just after the person who questioned him has gone into a fear-induced catatonia and just before he slits their throat for showing "signs of sneaky witchery!", which is his phrase for anything that could be considered slightly off. It's ironic but, since he's a rogue psyker and has never been disciplined on what he is, he doesn't really seem to understand that his powers ARE witcheryand believes that instead it's just the Emperor favoring him and making his wishes come true. Magical thinking, gifts from his "best friend Emprah."

So, having convinced his way through the precinct using a combination of unremarkableness and FORGET MEEEEE, Victus Khan procures a shock maul. And access to the Adeptus Arbites armory. Because everyone there either assumes he's just taking stock of the armory or is supposed to be there, through his effective SOMEBODY ELSE'S PROBLEM field. This is where things get bad. He grabs up a handful of hallucinogen grenades, then he sees the storm trooper carapace armor and loses his shit. It's so shiny he MUST have it. So he puts on the carapace armor, puts on the shock maul, all the other shit, and dresses up like an Arbitrator. Essentially, he has the same stat profile as an Arbitrator in the back of the DH manual at this point. Once again, no one takes notice because he just seems to fit in whatever room he is. He disguises himself rather handily as an Arbitrator, and then decides it's time to go play faces on the street and try his hand at justice.

>>9088288

He rolls a Logic test to see if this is a good idea. He fails by one degree. He decides this means OH NO THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA. We all breathe a sigh of relief, because we were headed to the Adeptus Arbites precinct at that very moment and it would be oh-so-shitty if our low-wounds characters had to deal with some kind of- HOW COULD I EVER PLAY FACES WITHOUT THE PROPER ID?

So Victus Khan uses his 'massive' Trade: Copyist skills to produce an actually not half-bad forgery. He trots out in his Storm Trooper Carapace Armor and meets us as we are coming inside to hand in the swath of cultist prisoners we have captured, to be interrogated by the fine Arbites inside. He becomes our contact, Arbitrator Tinko. Yes, Tinko. Anyway, so the corrupt Arbites member of our cell is talking to Arbitrator Tinko, completely oblivious to the fact that Tinko is VICTUS MOTHERFUCKING KHAN, and Tinko gets real pissed around the time Arbites-mc-corruptpants starts badmouthing that "sorry waste of flesh Adept that we lost in the first fight". So Arbitrator Tinko thinks it's time to lay a metric ton of asskicking on Arbites Corruptilocks. Tardraging, he smacks him with his shock maul, hits surprisingly despite the -20 to attacking with an unproficient weapon, but that's what you get with all-out attack. Then he rolls damage. A piddly 4. REDACTED grins. He rerolls using his Lucky. 10. Righteous Fury. He confirms. He rolls a 9. 19+4. That's 23 damage for those counting at home. First of all, that's enough to bring the corrupt dude down to critical damage. He had a flak vest (3 AP) and a TB of 3 and had been brought down to 9 wounds in the fights with the cultists.

>>9088305

The hit knocks him out through fatigue and SHOCKING, leaving him with blood loss. When the other Arbites swarm in and ask Arbitrator Tinko why he did it, he just blathers at them like a retarded baby until one of them searches the body of the corrupt Arbites, finding a forged ID and some stolen documents. They reward Arbitrator Tinko for his courage and clever intuition and then send him with our inquisitorial cell as back up. The Inquisitorial contact accepted the losses and welcomed Arbitrator TInko into the team.

Just, Victus Khan, man. Victus motherfucking Khan.

>>9088318

So I gotta go eat for the moment but I thought I'd get back on and regale you with that mission to set the mood before I go out for a good while. I'll make a thread later if this one isn't around later tonight.

meh, seen better

>>9088318
This guys a dick...

>WW thread
FUCK YES
YOU ARE THE BEST TRIPFAG EVER

>>9088318

Jesus Christ. Chud indeed.

Someone archive this...

>>9088422
Stop sucking the guy's dick already

>>9088652

Most of it is http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/9079059/

This... this has to be true. It's too retarded for someone to make it up. ...Right?

in b4 Fantasy Flight games canonizes Victus in the next DH supplement

>>9089076
Shit, I was going to see the same thing.

We need drawfaggotry for Victus Khan, SAVIOR OF THE IMPERIUM.

bump

Could someone get Photoshop and make a hybrid of Kirk shouting KHAAAAN and Kain shouting VAE VICTUS? I am lazy and not good at photomorph stuff, but it would seem appropriate for this thread.

I say somebody should save this thread is filled with so much WIN that is made partially out of fail.

>>9079625
>David-Bowie-As-A-Crane L5R

How is that a bad character concept? David Bowie makes everything awesome

>>9088318
Victus motherfucking Khan is unstoppable. The Emperor favors the mind too small for doubt, I suppose (or the absolutely mentally retarded). I can only assume that this all ends with him personally annihilating an entire Chaos deity completely by accident.

>>9092959
"Guys, I think I accidentally Chaos."
"The whole Chaos?"

bump for Khan

OP better come back.

Bump for Khan

KHAAAAAAN

>>9079745
this is just terrible

I've got a couple of stories, what system?

Star Wars I have the Mandalorian who killed three Sith Lords in one session,

In the WoD corner I have some characters who refuse to see it as grim and emo,

I'm not even allowed to roll my own D&D chars anymore, due to hilariously broken characters (as in, can move faster than the speed of light) intentional or accidental trolling, and accidentally causing three simultaneous apocalypses.

DH, I really have only two good stories: one so bad it's good and one so crazy it can only be GW.


I tend to be either incredibly awesome or completely horrifying at the table, and I got plenty of stories for both.

Well shit, if no-one cares...

>>9099655
I for one, want to hear.

Jesus, is this thread still up?

>>9099655
I'm also interested.

I'm laughing so hard it's starting to hurt but I can't stop. Please finish the story.

Bump for Khan

>>9099438
Poast, then. Otherwise, who will keep the thread up for Victus Khan?

I'm not >>9099438, but I have a mildly amusing D&D story.

Our party had been tasked with investigating some mummy-infested crypt. Now, our characters were pretty low-level, and none of us had ever dealt with mummies before, so we were pretty much scared shitless over the prospect.

So we start planning like crazy, with most of our plans revolving around a barrel of gunpowder we'd acquired at a nearby dwarven mining town some time ago and had been lugging along "just in case". We eventually hit upon the idea of summoning a celestial monkey to carry the barrel towards the mummies, with a lit fuse.

We argued for a long while about whether this plan would actually work, whether the instructions would be too complex for a celestial monkey to carry out ("a celestial monkey should be smarter than a regular monkey, right?"), et cetera.

Eventually we gave up on that plan and just headed over to the crypt, carrying along the barrel of gunpowder "just in case". But as luck would have it, at one point inside the crypt we came to a long, narrow, downward-sloping hallway-- from the end of which came faint shuffling sounds. Jackpot! (cont'd...)

>>9101692 (cont'd)

So we light the barrel and roll it down the corridor. I don't think we even considered the possibility that it would be something other than a mummy, or that we might collapse the whole crypt down upon us... we were going to get some use out of that barrel of explosives, dammit!

After the smoke cleared, we went down to investigate. Sure enough, from the pile of rubble we saw a bandaged hand sticking out, twitching slightly. Now, we didn't want to just leave the mummy there, to eventually free itself or pop out at some hapless archaeologist; on the other hand, we didn't want to dig the thing out to finish it off...

So we decided to hack the hand off, pour some of the holy water we'd brought with us on the stump, and call the mummy neutralized. We did, and then went on to face whatever else was in the crypt.

But the mental image of us standing around a pile of rubble with a twitching mummy hand sticking out, and then hacking it off and pouring holy water on it like kids pouring salt on a slug, still makes me chuckle. And I sometimes wonder if there's a very angry one-handed mummy still lurking out there somewhere, seeking revenge...

Oh wasteland warrior gots sumfin ta say!
Lets lick his asshole clean and agree with everything that comes out of it!

>>9101701
continue...

Tell us more about sudecat!

Bamp 4 Victus.

Bump for Victus.

>>9101975
Sorry, that's all there was to that particular story.

There was another time when we came across a Ring of Sustenance, which the party ranger eagerly made use of. But unbeknownst to us, the ring was also cursed: when you removed it, you were compelled to eat, drink and sleep enough to make up for what you skipped while wearing it (and putting it back on right away wouldn't work: the ring wouldn't function again until you had caught up).

After wearing the ring for several weeks and then removing it for the first time while staying at an inn, our ranger entered a cycle where he would sleep for eight hours, wake up and compulsively eat everything in sight, then immediately fall asleep again. We got kicked out of the inn after he ran out of food and tried to eat his mattress. I forget what happened after that, but I don't think the ranger ever put that ring on again.

Bump for Victus.

Double bump.

VICTUS KHAN

Holy shit this thread is STILL GOING?!?!

We must have more VICTUS KHAN!!!!!!!!

I probably won't still be awake for it, but bumping for Victus Khan. This thread deserves it.

Victus bump.

NWoD Vamp game, I'm playing a Morbus private eye, our group is being hunted and killed off 1 by 1 by a group of hunters that are secretly sponsored by rival vamp group. By the time we figure this out and find out who the hunters are we are down to three people in our group (out of 7). There is no way we can beat them in head on combat by this point, and we are about to be politically destroyed by rival vamps. So deciding to risk having the fact that I'm moribus found out, i travel through the hunters neighborhood and give aids to everyone in an 8 block radius few weeks later I also sneak into the house of one of the hunter's neighbor's house and savage the entire fucking family (due to bad rolls I was playing with humanity 3 at this point) I leave clues that implicate almost all the other neighbors. Blood samples end up being required for dna testing, they find out "everyone got aids and shit" suddenly this becomes a cdc problem until they find out about the slight mutations in the virous that leads them to believe it's possibly a weaponized form, then it becomes a FBI thing(who take over the murder investigation from the police who are firmly in the local princess control just in case it had something to do with the aids). Eventually the hunters are arrested for the murders as an anonymous tip lead to searches and the discovering of "trophies"; they get sentenced and die of aids in jail. We finger the rival vamps as possible Morbus as that neighborhood was their hunting grounds, prince in a rage declares blood hunt on rival vamps because their poisoning of the area lead to an FBI investigation that almost blew the lid off of the masquerade and he had to pull in massive favors to get the whole thing swept under the rug.

>>9104740
sorry for horrible writing and if it doesn't make sense, going on 53 hour without sleep and i don't handle it well. mainly i just needed to bump with content until more khan came on. haven't enjoyed something on /tg/ that much since the old "gav and bob" stuff

A good day, what?

Victus Khan!

BUMP FOR VICTUS KHAN!!!

bump for the lost primarch victus motherfucking khan

>>9079059
At a glance, I thought that was Vader shaking hands with Vladimir Putin. I was sorely disappointed.

BUMP FOR GREAT KHAN!

Bumpin' for Victus Khan.

Victus now is Invictus.

I WANT MORE VICTUS FUCKING KHAN!!!!!

>>9106944
So do I.

Bump for Victus.

More Victus Khan!