>HALF-ORC ENTERING A GNOME

I'LL JUST SAY THIS: EITHER SHE IS CON 20, OR YOU ARE THE PENCIL-DICK OF HALF-ORCS.

>>8907085
Oh, there weren't any sexual relations involved; I just had to keep her hot and heavy then beat a hasty retreat as soon as I got the signal from the party that they'd found the item.

Since the Half-Orc is holding out for a princess to make a claim for his Human Father's throne, getting down and dirty with a Gnome of questionable breeding and possibly giving birth to a bastard would be awkward, to say the least.

>>8907119

Why? Everybody had bastards. You just have to keep the mom happy and she won't raise her son to come after you.

>>8907085
Could be frottage.

>>8907141
Either way, its probably too late; I practically shoved her off of me in my haste to escape.

The last Gerald Farthing saw of said Gnome, she was clutching a robe around her naked form with one hand and waving around a spear with the other. She was also cursing me out pretty heavily <_<

>>8907176
Expect to be hunted down and raped.

Nothin' like a woman scorned to light a fire under your ass to keep moving, especially if (from what you've described and what I'm assuming) she's got some kind of army backing her up.

>>8907209
She's the commander of the BBEG's forces (more like a pawn, since she doesn't KNOW he's a BBEG, but thats besides the point).

She's got an army about 3,000 strong, and the city we're allied with/our base of operations only has an operating garrison of 1,200 soldiers.

Hopefully the plan the others are concocting will work, because if it doesn't, we're gonna have an army more than twice the size of ours breathing down our necks, along with a VERY pissed off Gnome Warlord ._.

>>8907262
Should've pounded her ass until she became submissive, way to miss a golden opportunity.

>>8907068
...How does a Half-Orc "seduce" someone? I mean, you're a goddamn HALF-ORC. You're supposed to be hideous.

>>8907262
Send her an apologetic letter and your second-favorite monocle. Explain the situation and the BBEG's actions and, if possible, attempt to arrange a meeting in a neutral location. Romance. Remember: Any woman with her own army is a potential princess.

>>8907309

SHE'S A *GNOME*. HER ENTIRE RACE IS POPULATED BY WEEDY JEW-NOSES WITH NASALLY VOICES AND A PUDGE.

HALF-ORCS, ON THE OTHER HAND, ARE BUILT LIKE MOTHERFUCKING BEASTS AND THEIR DICK ALONE WOULD BE AS LONG AS HER ARM.

HOW COULD SHE *NOT* WANT HIS TUSKED MOUTH ALL OVER HER FAT PUSSY?

>>8907332
Thank you Mr. Rage.

>>8907302
Gerald Farthing may be a Barbarian, but he is a GENTLEMAN Barbarian. He felt pretty bad about leaving her hanging, and she really didn't want to hear his explanation for WHY she was being used (especially after she found out we stole a scrying orb from her Command Tent).

>>8907309
I've got 16 Charisma. I'm positively dashing, though at the most I'd say I'm Dapper on a good day.

>>8907312
Hmm... If our plan doesn't work, I'll try that. Or I might just try it on my own. I mean, my ass is already in the fire over this whole debacle.

>>8907332
Oh Mr. Rage, u so delightfully blunt :3

>>8907383
>>8907361
i think he was being sarcastic

>>8907383
YOU WILL BE CRYING MY NAME BEFORE I GIVE UP ON YOU.

>>8907428
NO, I WAS APPROACHING IT FROM THE MINDSET IT BEST WORKED. VULGAR AND PRIMAL.

I DON'T EXPECT HER TO HAVE ANY *ROMANTIC* INTEREST IN HIM (NO OFFENSE, CHAP).

>>8907428
But he may have been right. Could have been the gnome's entire line of reasoning.

>>8907364
As a half-breed barbarian it's probably better to conquer the kingdom. You may be the true heir, but that is no reason to let others dictate your authority.

>>8907453
>I DON'T EXPECT HER TO HAVE ANY *ROMANTIC* INTEREST IN HIM
I don't know it could be like how the shortest girls cling to tall guys the hardest.

>>8907454
i think he was being sarcastic about the description of gnomes because of the post he quoted was using a very old stereotype of half-orcs

>>8907460
Oh, and who would work better as a queen? Some mincing token or a powerful woman in her own right? Even if you could throw her like a football. If the seduction aspect fails you still spread dissension in the ranks by informing her of her leaders actions.

In any case, ima watch dragon taming now.

lots and lots of foreplay.

>>8907460
That's Plan B, if finding an acceptable marriage doesn't work out (though I'd prefer a bloodless ascenscion to the throne). I've got party backing for it if I ask for it!

>>8907486
Hmm... You DO have a point there. Although I'd still want somebody with child-bearing hips to bear heirs, and I don't really fancy the usage of concubines. I'm a one-woman kinda Gentleman.

Why wouldn't you fuck the woman with 3000 of your enemy's men under her command?

>>8907539
>I'd prefer a bloodless ascension to the throne
Pussy

>>8907539
Magic c-sections, or find a way to transfer child into a willing surrogate.

>>8907068
Thaneborne Half-Orc?

*Brofist* like a BAUS

>>8907453
Ah oui? J'ai croix que vous vous ai criez avant que je te fous.

>>8907574
GODDAMIT, WHERE ARE THE SUBTITLES.

What would aquarter orc, quarter human half gnomes look like? Besides inheriting their fathers dashing good looks of course.

>>8907610
what's the other quarter?

>>8907633
2/4 gnome

>>8907560
Because NOT wanting to rape and pillage the people that accept me for what I am/my father's transgressions instead of decrying me as a monster that should be strangled and tossed to the dogs is being a pussy?

Yeah, I'll take the pussy option. Gerald grew up with these people; he isn't about to go killing them willy-nilly unless he absolutely fucking has to.

>>8907563
I guess if I end up taking her as my bride, we'll work something out...

>>8907565
Thaneborn Half-Orcs representin'!

>>8907610
I'm guessing lessened Orc Traits (meaning they'd probably have eithe vestigial or no tusks/less hairyness all over body), softened human traits, be about the size of a largish halfling, and have more fey-like traits.

>>8907648
then why are you playing a barbarian if you are going to be a pussy and not carve your name into the history books as a conquer?

>>8907678

Because he's a Viking Style Barb, not a LOL BRAIN DAMAGED BARB.

Duh.

>>8907601
>>8907574
My french is kind of rusty, but I think she said "O rly? I think you'll be crying before I fuck you." I'm really going out on a limb here though, because that sentence structure looks kind of weird.

>>8907648
Don't need to just slaughter your way across the landscape. Just make sure that you don't arrive as a beggar, show up with a bit of weight behind your arguments. Found my keys, hoping this thread is still around in a few hours.

>>8907689
but Vikings did stuff like that to each other a lot

Kinda want gnome wimminz porn now

>>8907678
Thaneborn barbarians aren't RIPN'TEAR Barbarians. They're more calling on the blood of your ancestors and the nobility of a line to defend family honor. At least, thats how I've been playing Gerald. He didn't really have the concentration to be a traditional House Farthing Knight, so he went for an Axe and called on both his primal side and his noble side to mess shit up in a genteel fashion.

>>8907648
Behind every great man.. is a great woman. You are going to need someone who is scary in her own right. Better they see you are the 'force of restraint' and wish to keep you in power lest 'she' take the reigns.

Besides, it doesn't matter how bloodless of how many friend you have... someone 'will' want you dead. You just have to make you being dead a scarier option than being alive.

>>8907678
BECAUSE, NIGGER, HE'S BEING A BARBARIAN IN A NORSE BERSERKER SENSE. TAPPING INTO THE SPIRITS OF THE PAST AND THE WORLD AROUND HIM TO DO AWESOME SHIT FOR THE GOOD OF HIS PEOPLE.

>>8907574
THIS DOES REMIND ME TO PICK UP YOUR HEATHEN FROGSPEAK. IT'S A PRETTY LANGUAGE, ROLLING OFF THE RIGHT TONGUE.

>>8907719

>>8907769

I came, thanks.

Now to see if I have the patience to write a gnome bitch fapfic

>>8907789
wow you must have a hair trigger

>>8907769
Jesus Christ.

>>8907822
had nothing to do with it.

>>8907839
Clearly not. Everyone knows gnomes don't have souls.

>>8907719
Pic related to the Gnome. Halflings and Gnomes are just different sizes/have some more exaggerated features in our campaign setting, so human proportions exist up and down the scale (just, well... scaled down <_<).

>>8907902
Give us some heights to work with.

>>8907719
Gnome chick porn is fairly rare, sadly. And GOOD Gnome chick porn is rare as fuck.

>>8907762
I can picture now, the likable king walking through the halls of his palace with his scary wife that comes up to his knee trailing behind him with a menacing strut.

Well, being a bastard pretty much invalidates any claims you might have, without marriage to some other royal lineage. Kingdoms are controlled by the lesser nobility, and without some sort of legitimate claim, expect to see the kingdom fracture during your usurper reign, or shortly after your death.

Barons and Dukes and the like are fond of succession rules, because that means only a very few people can kill them and take their stuff, and most of them are their children. It gives them less to worry about, which gives them more time to do things like run their part of the country for you.

I still think gnomes should be freaking shorter than halflings. Srsly. Halflings?! Shorter than Gnomes?! WTF. Gnomes should be like 2' to 3' in D&D.

>>8907926
Gerald Farthing is 6' 2" tall and the Gnome Warlord was 3' 6"ish, give or take an inch or two.

>>8907962
pathfinder has them both at the same height

>>8907962
Halflings got a size bump in 4E. Gnomes are 3'4" to 3'8", while Halflings are 3'10" to 4'2"

>>8907991
give or at an inch or two

>>8907962

Original AD&D Gnomes were 3 1/2 feet tall. It was strongly implied they were dwarf-halfling crossbreeds.

Pic related came out about the same time as AD&D, so the idea of gnomes the size of action figures stuck, I guess.

>>8907976
Does not seem unworkable.

>>8907962
The only difference I really see between gnomes and halfings is that halflings tend to be hairier.

>>8908033
The dude's gay, look at the size of the dog.

>>8907958
Other heirs (Gerald's half-brother and a half-sister) got killed off by the BBEG's army during a skirmish/got raped to death by bandits. Shit sucked :<

Currently, Gerald's the only one in line for the throne, unless the King gets a new queen (she died during childbirth of half-sister) or names somebody else heir-designate. And since the current ruler of Jomarra (Gerald's father) is getting on in years, its doubtful anybody else can step up and challenge him for the throne. He just needs to find an acceptable wife to get his father's blessing.

>>8908063
Dogs cute, he probably uses it to pick up women.

>>8908027

Note to self: remember to upload the goddam pic.

>>8907949
>>8907820
>>8907769

So close to being hijacked by a gnome porn thread.

I'll try to rekindle, brb

>>8908095
lol

Does she have a clue to your potential status could she be making a power play of her own?

>>8908063
or it could be the girls dog and he is just being nice so he can get into her panties later

!

A thought!

As far as I know, BBEG's kingdom doesn't have a set monarchy and operates on a might makes right basis to determine lordship.

Since currently she's got the second-most might (second only to the BBEG's power), Gnome Warlord would end up being the ruler if BBEG bit the dust!

I think I found myself a suitable match (assuming, of course, she doesn't cut my dick off for tricking her before <_<).

SNOWBLIND

>>8907820
>Steam-powered vibrator.

No way that could end badly. Nope, not at all.

>>8908155
>(assuming, of course, she doesn't cut my dick off for tricking her before <_<)

talk fast and bring gifts

This might be kind of obvious questions, but:

1. Gnome Warlord's name?
2. Party members races/classes/names?
3. Macguffin you had to steal from her command tent?

>>8908167
Vagina flesh melted together.

>>8908092

Interesting. Western kingdoms did not recognize bastards as legitimate heirs, as being born out of wedlock meant their birth was not blessed by God. As most kingdoms were run by the grace of God, such an individual would promise hard times for the kingdom. They could trace back relations for a long, long time to find someone else, or one of the higher Princes/Dukes could assume the responsibilities of the throne.

Marriage to an appropriate noble, however, ensures that while, as a bastard, you cannot assume the throne, your child would be of your father's blood, and born in appropriate wedlock, giving him those claims that you are not necessarily entitled, in addition to those of your wife.

Of course, all of this could be avoided if the current King designates you as a legal claimant. As the ruler of the kingdom under God, he can say what's legal or not. The nobility would likely complain, but it's unlikely to have outright revolt.

>>8908206
not all fantasy worlds are europe

>>8907085
get her wet enough and use lube.

>>8908133
Not that I know of. As far as she knows, I was a particularly dashing new recruit who came to see her for "orders".

>>8908198
1. Vireyda something. Don't recall her last name.
2. Changeling Bard, Human Wizard, and Dwarf Warden. Names are Carliss, Hector Nefud, and Ulysses respectively.
3. A scrying orb that would enable us to follow a link back and find out where the BBEG is hiding. The Bard and the Wizard are working on it.

>>8908155
Now you are thinken straight boyo...

Besides, any woman that comes with her own army should be quite 'suitable'.

Nobility didn't just spring out the earth fully formed (well maybe with dwarves... but they crazy...) Somebody had to say, "you know what, 'I' am in change, not because I got handed the job... but becasue I took it!"

Then again... I like powerful women so... take that as you will.

>>8908206

It's what I know. Until informed otherwise, I assume that's how it works. I'd like to know how much "upper nobility" is around in this setting.

If I were one, I'd be looking into keeping that king awfully single, and keep that bastard as far away from the throne, or somewhere I could squash them. Once that happens, it's a free-for-all among the princes. I'd watch myself, gentleman barbarian, there's probably other people out to get you, if succession is that tenuous.

>>8908312
>Somebody had to say, "you know what, 'I' am in change, not because my great-grandfather got handed the job... but becasue he took it!"

Fixed.

>>8908349
If I find a suitable wife, he'll name me his legal heir designate (what I meant by give me his blessing). The current structure of rulership:

1. King/Queen
2. Prince/Princess
3. Count/Countess
4. Duke/Duchess
5. Baron/Baroness
6. Marquis/Marquess

I don't currently know of anybody opposing my claim; then again, I haven't really had a chance to investigate the matter. I'll be sure to keep a watchful eye though.

Change your name to Baus. Then you'll be the Boss. Boss Baus, to be exact.

Also, you'll be the prettiest.

>>8907068
Can't, I'm already Baus. Playing Baus Hasslich, grandson of the great Hasslich Hasslich. Fullbade, life-inspiring rages, crumpin' baddies to get loots, be the big damn hero, and get the ladies.

Jus' like Gramps.

>>8908425

Them Princes/Princesses are definitely keeping there eyes on the top spot. They are currently a heart attack or stair-pushing away from having everything. Having a young, apparently virile young man on the throne guarantees they will never have it.

I figure you might be safe in the short run, while they try to off the king. Until you up and announce your intentions for the throne, and some degree of confirmation from the king, you're pretty good. After that, you'll be a threat. Now is actually the best time for bastard-making for those so inclined.

Your restraint is probably doing your reputation good, though, and increasing the odds of a positive recommendation from the king on his deathbed.

>>8908312
and thats why Nanoha is so attractive to me. Anyone with the power to level a city at age nine in a profession where you get more skilled when you age...

Advise you to tell her the romantic line about how at the time you were just acting as needed for your family, but her countance would not leave your mind. The thought that this woman could look that powerful, regal, Noble, even in that situation has made it hard for you to appreciate other candiates. that kind of talk ought to work wonders.
Assuming shes not a cynic.

Feels cool man

>>8908602
I'm a bit terrified of courting the Gnome, but seeing as she's got such a large force compared to our own standing garrison (although we could probably conscript a larger force, she's got 3,000 battle-trained/tempered troops vs. 1,200 trained and possibly another 1,400 conscripts who might just impale themselves on their own swords), it might be worth it to have both a benevolent side to me and an iron fist to crush rebellions.

Seduce Bitches
AdviceRogueTrader.jpeg
Acquire Kingdoms

>>8908716
At the time, I wasn't really focusing on her as a prime candidate. Its in retrospect that I'm seeing the eminently beautiful position she's in to take over the BBEG's kingdom once he bites it.

That, and Gerald feels bad about leaving her hanging, and as a gentleman must make amends. If it helps him get on the throne, thats just a bonus, but it won't be the only reason he's doing it.

>>8908781
And if it all goes wrong, that will be some drama.

>>8908623
My god. I DAT ASS'd at a gnome. I... I feel dirty.

>>8908798
Well, there's that... But I guess thats what happens when you're playing a dashing barbarian with the heart of a gentleman and the soul of a warrior :/

>>8908781

Nothing wrong with apologizing, that's for sure. Eventually, the BBEG's likely going to be cacked, and she'll get his position. Seeing as you plan on being king someday, you certainly do not want an upset vassal with military experience nearby.

It's gonna cost you, though. You used her, and women hate that. In order to make this up, you're going to need to crawl through glass to make up for it. Fast-talking or genuine apology won't do it.

What If she feels she should be queen and you are the second in command?

>>8908852
I doubt she was pleased with the idea of one of her lowly soldiers leading her on and the denying her. No one like a cunt tease.

>>8908858
...That might be a problem. I'll just have to figure something out.

>>8908852
Both Gerald and I expect to have to do so. It'll be immensely humiliating, but eh, we shall wear the shame like a badge of honor, for WE shall know that we set things right.

>>8908963
Way to man up OP. I respect that way of dealing with it. Research her, is she an idealist or a cynic? Because that will matter.

>>8909087
I'm pretty sure she's an Idealist (which would explain why she's working for BBEG, since outwardly he's a pretty nice guy).

If you're a Half-Orc, I'm surprised you're seducing ANYBODY, but still, kudos.

>>8909124
You might be able to convince her then, if you can keep her from cutting your throat for stringing her along at first.

Well, I'll be going for now, but our next session is tomorrow. I'll see if I can salvage this mess and report on what happens, /tg/. Gerald Farthing out.

>>8909173
sounds like he is playing 4E so there is no penalty to CHA for Half Orcs but i could be wrong about that

>>8909407
Even with a penalty, what's 2 cha?
A minus one on the roll? Because on a d20, that's 5%.
Not much, really.

>>8909407
>>8909420
>>8909173
I'm playing a Thaneborn Barbarian, which has Charisma as a secondary stat. I have 16 Charisma and look quite dashing, if I do say so myself.

>>8909486

Heh,

I'm a pursurusing avenger eldarin with 8 cha, which kind of amuses me.

>>8909124
Then its a done deal. Show her that the BBEG is bad for what she cares about, offer to work under/with her as part of making amends. Suprise the Feth out of the BBEG when he doesnt expect to get attacked "BY MY OWN FORCES!" and put an end to him, then go home and introduce her as "A poltical marrage, her kingdom and ours as one rather then as rivals."

least thats my advice.