>>8111438
i dunno, i kind of want to hear what happens in that one

Okay.

I knew the trolls here would never give me up or let me down.

haha oh wow

>>8111476

Nor run around and desert you.

QUICK, COPYPASTA

You want a horror story? I've got a horror story.

My friend invites his roommate to play D&D with our group. He says that the guy knows the rules, wants to play, and should be fun to play with.

I meet the guy a few days before we're supposed to play, and at first glance he doesn't seem like a D&D-kind-of-guy. Shaves his hair real short, rather muscular, orangey-tan, and has that "bathes in axe" aura. But he's amiable, we chat, and he seems like an okay person. He tells me he got into D&D because a girl he liked back in high school played it, and he wanted to spend time with her. They went out eventually, broke up, but he was addicted to D&D and wanted to play it again.

I thought it an odd story, but we then started to talk about games we had played. He did prove to be fairly knowledgeable about 3.5, and role playing games in general, and we actually talked on the same level about things like alternative HP systems and how to maintain party balance. We disagreed on a lot of points, but he argued without backing down and delivered some excellent counterarguments.

Overall, I thought he would be a good addition to our group, since he seemed to be a little different from your typical player. He seemed to act with a purpose, which made him actually commit to learning the rules, rather than lazily reading them. In that one conversation, he managed to show that he had a better grasp of the rules than my friend and our big guy did.

Before things get too complicated, let me introduce my group. Beyond me, there's our DM, who's a bit older than us and probably more laid back then he should be. Then there's my friend, who I've known since elementary school, and his girlfriend, who's smarter than he is and likes telling everyone so. His girlfriend also brings her sister, who's two years younger than everyone else but more into gaming than her older sister. Then there's the big guy, a tall, slightly overweight guy I met at a magic tournament a few years back at our local game store, who's nice and friendly and just a tad bit dopey. Finally, there's me, who can't really describe himself. We play with a semi-serious focus, and we probably take the game a little further than the average group, though not to the point where it would be embarrassing to bring a new player in.

I approve of this. Someone link this in the autosaging thread.

When we gathered together to play the first time, the roommate asked our DM about house rules. We play with a few common ones (2 20's in a row is an instant kill threat), but the roommate asked to add a few he had used in his last campaign. He produced a sheet of paper, and among the house rules were:

-If a player casts a spell, spell-like ability, or similar, they must actually perform a small ritual.
-If a player does push-ups or squats before an attack/physical action, he gets a +1 to the roll for every ten he does consecutively.
-Skill checks (such as bluff and sense motive) could not be used against other players.
-The players have to call each other by their character names at all times. They take HP damage every time they use a real name.

And other such things. We discussed them a bit, found some of them neat, and we ended up adopting most of them, at least on a trial basis. We began play, and things went very smoothly. The roommate seemed a little subdued, staying out of the "spotlight" for the most part, and my only real complaint would be that he chatted a lot on the side and sometimes had to be filled in with things he had missed.

Two sessions later, he finally made his "debut." My Ranger, Big guy's Bard, my friend's Cleric, and the girlfriend's Wizard were down, leaving the roomate's Fighter and the sister's Paladin with almost no HP in front of a beholder. The sister tried a smite, shouting for Pelor's aid, but missed miserably. The Roomate then declared full power attack, and dropped to the floor. 60 pushups later (and thus a +6 to his attack), breathing hard, he likewise shouted out for Pelor's aid, rolled, and the DM declared that not only did the +6 just barely got the hit in, he just managed to kill it with the damage he rolled.

We all cheered, and it was a pretty good moment. Big guy asked why he had shouted for Pelor, and the roommate replied that his fighter and the paladin had been discussing the deities in-game before hand, and his fighter decided in that moment to convert to worshiping Pelor as his main deity.

Two sessions later, we have the game at my friend and his roommate's place. I notice that the Big guy doesn't seem to happy while we play, but the game ended without incident. After everyone else had left, I was invited to drink and stay for the night. I'm not a good drinker, but I was more than happy to oblige.

We start to drink, and I switch to just sprite after only a little while (I tend to get nauseous before I actually get drunk), but the other two continue until my friend ends up vomiting in the toilet. We then got ready for bed, and while lying there, we stayed up until the wee hours of the morning, with our conversation becoming more and more revealing.

The subject of girls came up, and my friend began with his seasoned and practiced story that we had all heard a thousand times about how he "seduced" his current girlfriend with poetry even he considered shitty. The roommate then started describing a girl in a manner that made me rollover to hide my erection. Huge breasts on a slender frame that widened into the perfect ass, etc. etc. He then told me how her best friend was her neighbor, the biggest geek in the world, and suddenly things are starting to click. He then explained how he started to talk to the geek, and in no time at all, he was playing in their D&D game. With absolute pride, he then went on to say how in three weeks, he was fucking the shit out of the girl, while every other nerd in the group (who obviously wanted to fuck her too) could only jack off to the thought. The best part was that her best friend actually confronted him, and he just told him off for being such a wimp to not have fucked her himself.

I expressed my agreement, though I'm not sure how sincere I was.

The next game, I noticed it. It was obvious now. First off, the sister of my friend's girlfriend was attractive. I myself would not be adverse to having sex with her, though it never really was my pursuit (though I'll admit I entertained the thought). And his advances were ever so subtle, but still there. Of course, it's not my job to butt into other people's relationships, so I just watched as he made what I would have to deem very good progress. Apparently, the Big guy had noticed this long before, and seemed to be getting sourer and sourer as the game went on. I decided it would be a good idea to talk to him.

My guess was correct, and the Big guy did have a crush on the sister. Getting him to say that was harder then I thought it would be, but afterwards he was more than willing to tell me everything. He was vehemently opposed to the roommate's way of doing things, and even described them as "sinister." While I wanted to just tell him to take his own step forward (I never even knew he had discovered girls until that point), I decided to just let him vent his anger while I simply yes'd along.

The roommate made his move soon afterward. He first talked to my friend, who told him to back off from his girlfriend's sister (probably because he didn't want things to get complicated). He then went to me, and explained his plan. "Plan" is a bit of a weasel term, since it makes it sound like he was creating some sort of scheme. Of course, he was enjoying playing, and really liked the way I played my character, and was impressed by my knowledge of the rules, and was here mostly for the game, but he said he wasn't going to lie to me and say that the sister wasn't one of the reasons he decided to join the group.

I told him that it seemed like the sister was enjoying his company. I explained that I only wanted what was best for her. Apparently, those were not the right words to use.

There was a sudden flash of anger, and he started to yell at me, telling me that what was best for her was what she wanted, and only she could decide that. I told him to calm down, act fucking civil, and that I agreed that she was free to do whatever she wanted. There was a brief moment where he seemed like he wanted to continue to try and intimidate me, but he just agreed and we started talking about next week's game.

That game will become familiar to some of you in later years. In future dictionaries, it will be used as a definition for "apeshitfuckdamn."

It started very relaxed. The DM gave his lazy summary of last's weeks events, and we played fairly uneventfully for an hour until we stopped to order some Mediterranean delivery. At some point, the roomate and my friend's girlfriend left the room, and came back after we had finished ordering. The roomate then made a move I that I will admit was bold. Doritos 3D bold. He went up to the sister, and with absolute confidence, asked her to go have dinner with him the next day.

She doesn't even get a chance to answer. At that point, I had not determined exactly how I felt about the situation, but the strange feeling of relief I felt as my friend stood up cleared things for me. With an absolute lack of grace that I commend him for, he shouts, "Fuck you, I told you to fuck off." Things went a little wild, but it can be summarized by him and his girlfriend having a shouting match for a few minutes, while Big guy fumed silently, and the roommate stood waiting for a response from the sister.

It was almost too cute how she blushed and couldn't make eye contact. Oh, I know it was the devil's ways that had captured her heart, but I felt at that moment that if the roommate was the only one who was gutsy enough to bring her into womanhood, then I should have no say in the matter. She avoided the question by trying to calm down her older sister, who was having too much fun belittling her boyfriend for being an intrusive jerk. Our DM, loveable in his laziness, had apparently been too busy preparing the campaign to notice any drama, and was once again too lazy to give a fuck about it. However, the Big guy was starting to man up a little, though only by backing up my friend a little here and there.

The roommate seemed torn. He looked like he was going to try and say something back to my friend, but then he would turn to the sister, and then he'd turn back to my friend, and then to the girlfriend, and eventually, he walked over to me. He told me that I should get my friend off his case, and that the night's game would be ruined unless I did. Before I did anything, the food arrived, and things magically calmed down, just until we actually started to play again.

The roomate brought up the subject in-game. My friend tried to object, but our DM, who still had not grasped any sense of the situation, thought it now best to remind us all about the spirit of the game, and that in-game conversations were in-game, and had no part in reality. The girlfriend backed the DM up on this, and my friend gave up quickly. The sister, playing a Paladin, politely refused the Fighter. Whether it was her own feeling's or not, the Big guy actually gave out an audible sigh of relief that I'm certain everyone noticed. However, the roomate had been playing a rather bold fighter (one of those die-hard, never-say-die, never-give-up, never-surrender kind of guys), and it was only too natural for him to continue his advances.

Now, for a slight intermission, I'd like to point out one of the magical (as in, really magic, not some parlor trick or D&D spell) things about roleplaying games. Big guy is dopey and overweight and doesn't say too much in real life. However, his bard has a charisma score of 20 and never shuts the hell up. And, he now had more then enough of a reason to run his mouth.

He told the fighter to back off. Eloquently.

Suddenly, it happened. I was waiting for it the moment I met the roommate. Something that's on the biological level. Something instinctual. Something I knew would happen, I just did not know when.

His alpha male switch flipped on.

>>8111712
>SUDDENLY

That's a very stretched usage of the word.

He could not, would not let the Big guy challenge him. Not in a box, not with a fox. He told the Bard to back off. The Bard replied like he swallowed a Shakespearean text that he would not back down and that the lady had already expressed her intentions or something a lot more fancy. The roommate then told the Big guy to back down. The DM deducted 1 point of HP for using the player's name.

The Big guy did not back down. The exchange became more heated, and my friend joined in here and there, but he seemed to sense the situation well. They argued, until finally, the Big guy decided to cast Calm Emotions. Remember, he had to come up with a ritual, and decided the best one would be to talk in baby talk to calm his opponent down. In the most mocking, annoying tone I had ever heard, he basically told him to go fuck himself.

The roommate was pissed. He showed it by acting calm. Smoothly, rationally, he explained that the bard had cast a spell at his fighter. His fighter would take that as a sign of hostility, and would respond in kind. He then declared a full attack, power attack, and then dropped to the floor.

70 push ups later, the DM had stopped trying to calm things down and simply let him roll his attacks. The first one hit, dropping the bard down to less than half his HP, and the second was also a hit, but not so much higher. The DM explained that the Big Guy, if he did 20 pushups or squats, would have his AC boosted by 2, and would avoid the attack.

The Big guy did not look happy. He argued for a moment, but then went down. He started, but by pushup number seven, I was already telling him to give up and do squats instead, He grunted that I should fuck off and let him be. He tried, and strained, and yelled, and even started to cry.

He got to twelve.

The attack dropped the bard. The roomate laughed. Laughed like a goddamn motherfucker. I was angry, and expressed it in my usual way. I told the roommate that what he had done was immature, and that I was very displeased. My friend then decided he would express his anger in his usual way.

Now, I can say a lot of bad things about my friend. He's not the smartest person I know, he's rather crude, and he writes really bad poetry. But he can do three things right.

Firstly, he gets angry much better than I do. He actually bellowed, but retained enough focus to call out the character name instead of his roommate's.

Secondly, he knows the game fairly well. He made his cleric with the intent that he wanted to be a holy warrior, but not be gimped with a paladin's stats. His cleric's build is quite simply one of my favorite warrior-cleric builds, and I always approved of giant two-handed mace as a weapon.

Lastly, I never seen a person do so many goddamn pushups at one time.

He didn't stop. I didn't think it was possible. Once he breached 90, he just kept going, chanting "fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou" while he went. He didn't seem to care if he couldn't use his arms afterwards, and hit the ground hard at 124, shouting "PLUS FUCKING TWELVE."

It was illogical. Even with the full power attack, and the near guaranteed hit the +12 gave, it wasn't anywhere near enough to take down the high con fighter, who could return a blow that would drop the cleric.

>>8111729

that's what makes it funny

I really like this shit.

But our DM, who had watched in silent awe, simply said that getting over a hundred pushups should add the bonus to attack AND damage. The roommate tried to argue, but at that point, the girlfriend had made a reassessment. She agreed with the DM, and cradled her boyfriend, who was groaning on the floor.

I asked the sister what she thought.

She said that this game had turned retarded.

Despite agreeing wholeheartedly, a sudden swell of anger surged in me. I absolutely lost it. I told my friend to get his ass off the floor and roll the fucking die so he could kill the goddamn fighter, I told the Big guy that he should fucking work out more, I turned back to my friend and told him that that was pretty fucking goddamn hardcore in the dumbest way possible and I can't express enough respect towards him, I told the girlfriend to stop trying to calm me down, I told the roommate that he had announced to the world that he was a dirtbag ever since he covered himself in tanning spray, and I turned ever so slowly to the young sister, went ever so close, and told her that it was all her goddamn fault and that she would have to atone for her sins.

Our DM, with trademark, perfect timing and understanding of the situations, cupped his hand over his mouth and shouted "JUST FUCK HER ALREADY."

Whatever momentum I had evaporated, and I just sat down after a brief explitive. The DM tried to say something about something or other, since he's entitled to run his mouth when shit hits the fan, but halfway through his probably very heartwrenching speech about the glory of mankind and roleplaying games, the roommate decided it was his turn to say his part.

My friend, who I take back ever saying was an idiot, as he is a goddamn genius, just shouted "Fuck you, and shut your mouth, and listen to me speak." The roommate made a motion, but my friend didn't give an inch and began the dumbest speech I had ever heard in my life. Basically, under his logic, since it's his girlfriend's sister, it's his sister. And because she's his sister, he gets to choose who she goes out with.

The sister tried to say something. My friend wouldn't stop for anything.

He then started to tell the story of how the roommate had learned to play D&D just to sleep with a girl, and how the only reason the roommate was here was because he wanted to sleep with the sister. He didn't get very far though, but I am guessing that's what he was trying to say. He managed to get to start the story, but the roommate was fast.

SHIT JUST GOT REAL

Roommate was angry. Really, really fucking angry. He had just been humiliated and cockblocked and now Friend wasn't helping things.

He crossed the room in two lunging steps and at first I thought he had punched Friend, except he didn't move his fist. And his wrist was at the the wrong angle to punch him. The Friend gave out a stupid, hoarse cry of surprise. He tried to push the roommate away from him, but with his arms jacked up from all the pushups, all he could do was slap at him ineffectually.

The Sister suddenly screamed and I saw why: He hadn't punched him. He'd pulled out a fucking knife. The very same knife he then pulled out, the blade stained with the Friend's blood. The Friend's knees buckled, sending him straight to the floor, breathing shallowly as he touched tenderly at the stab wound.

I was fucking terrified. I couldn't even move when the Roommate turned to me.

>>8111831
REAL BEARS

>>8111840
PROBABLY NOT OP

BUT LET'S ROLL WITH IT ANYWAAAAAAAAYS

My friend would have ordinarily done much better, I think. But after all those push ups, he was in bad shape. The roommate gave him a hard hit, and they both dropped to the floor. I moved to break them up, but I saw something from the corner of my eye that I will admit I may have hallucinated. The Big guy shined his elbow. Shined it up like he was polishing a shoe. The next thing I know I didn't hallucinate, because the girlfriend gave the same account.

The Big guy, with unknown grace, leapt into the air. He hovered, perfectly, like some sort of overweight angel, his elbow pointing towards the earth, and the roomate's back that was between them. Then gravity took hold, angry at being ignored for that brief moment, and the elbow dropped down so hard I literally shouted "FUCK." I then heard a peculiar, feminine scream I soon after realized came from the roommate. The Big guy and my friend stood up, and after checking to see that the roommate would live, my friend gave him a nice solid kick.

The roommate got up soon, but did not seem intent on starting anything else, especially since the girlfriend stepped in. She told the roommate to go home, and that her boyfriend would stay at my place for the night. She then motioned to her sister, who seemed excited but hopelessly lost, and they left.

>>8111872
Lol its 4chan when do we not xD

also lulz WTF KNIFE

>>8111840
That's fake.

After the girls had gone (no one had really moved or said anything up till that point), the roommate made some awkward gestures and then left. My friend then told me he needed me to drive him to his place because his arms were fucked up and he had to stop his friend from fucking over his stuff. The Big guy looked happy.

Our DM had a shit eating-grin and gave his ignorant summary of the night as "That was awesome."

In a sort of epilogue, my friend got a new roommate around two weeks later. He later told me that the roomate had told him all sorts of nasty shit he had done to girls, and that was the major reason he didn't want him near "his" sister. The Big guy is still just the big guy, and I doubt he will ever be anything else. I tried to tell him to go for the sister, but he's just a tad bit too dopey. The sister once said that she misses the roommate a bit. I told her some of the stuff my friend said the roommate had done, and now I don't think she misses him as much.

We still use some of the house rules. The push-ups one only as a joke.

I don't know what else to say, other than thanks for hearing me out.

>>8111921
Way, way too fast. Very believable though.

The only good thing about this story was the thread that formed around it and the trolling by posting so damned slow.

>>8111911
yeah well, now the roommate stabbed the friend and THEN the big guy broke his spine

i like this story better now

>>8111840
this one is fake, you should delete it
the rest are real

>>8111972
And the friend somehow kept going after being stabbed by a knife.

>>8111988
it's okay, he did some meta-squats so it missed his vital organs

>>8111988
You can survive after being stabbed. It depends where you get stabbed.

Roommate took one deep, audible breath and then cut Friend off mid-sentence, and uttered the longest, most profanity-laden speech I'd ever heard. He told the Friend he could go fuck himself, that it was her choice and no one else's and where did he think he got off saying that he could just go and make decisions for everyone else? Then he turned his baleful gaze to Big guy.

He really lets Big Guy have it. He tells Big Guy that he's a fucking pussy, that he is a fat, useless loser and that he'll never have a chance with the Sister, or anyone for that matter, and that he should just fucking kill himsef for being so fat and useless.

Roommate barely even pauses to breath in between all of this. We're all too stunned to even say anything.

He turns to me and tells me that he thought I was cool and that he can't believe I cockblocked him. Then he turns to the Sister, finally, takes a deep breath, and tries to think of what to say, his jaw working as he grinds his teeth.

Our DM, with his absolutely perfect timing, chose that moment to tell him that, since he'd been using our real names for that entire rant, he takes thirty-two points of damage, killing him instantly.

>>8111988
it's good that someone posted the knife thing; it made the OP pick up the pace a bit to compensate

>>8112036
I'm more commenting on his ability to keep going, not stay alive. That and the utter lack of panic anyone shows.

>>8112074

BEST ENDING

someone should include that metatroll by that random TOTALLY THE OP namefag for completion's sake.

>>8112074
ALL IS FORGIVEN

THATS THE ENDING OF HTE FUCKING STORY?!
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
I WAITED HOURS FOR THAT FUCKING THING AND FINALLY LEFT

>>8112074
This is also fake. The OP only ever capitalized 'Big guy' never the other folks.

>>8112138
Honestly, even if it isn't him, that end's awesome.

>>8112156
Oh yes. But there's no point in attributing it to the OP, whose story sucked balls.

I'd just like to thank everyone involved (except the OP) because that thread was just glorious in all aspects.

>>8112175
His story was going somewhere, he was just taking his sweet fucking time to go there.

>>8112202
Except it didn't go anywhere. This new ending came well after the original.

>>8112202

His story was going nowhere. It was just Boy Meets Girl, except more like Douchebag Meets Douchebags

>>8112231
...assuming it actually ended, and he didn't just forget about it.

Hell, for all we know, the OP might still be typing the next part

someone drawfag the floating overweight angel-wrestling move

CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE

I can't believe it's finally over.

Is the old thread still up?

>>8108689

>>8112339
Barely. Its about to drop off the edge.

>>8112351

The first two posts.

"Good lord."

"I don't know where this going"

Priceless.

>>8112362
Prophetic words.

>495 posts and 69 image replies omitted. Click Reply to view.

>>8112455

It's now officially past 500. This shit...

JUST GOT REAL.

>>8112074
I'm pretty sure that this was meant to go in between >>8111813 and >>8111840 .

>>8112637
Actually, no.

This is a story about Time Travel.

Both stories happened.

Have you ever seen Primer?

I love you, /tg/

>>8112653
I don't need that kind of mind-fuckery this early in the morning.

>>8112637
Holy shit, the story actually makes a lot of sense like that

>>8112706
Yeah.

>>8112706
>>8112734
I figured that was kind of obvious. Is /tg/ going stupid on me again?

WEAK ENDING WAS FUCKING WEAK
WEAK ENDING WAS FUCKING WEAK
WEAK ENDING WAS FUCKING WEAK
WEAK ENDING WAS FUCKING WEAK
WEAK ENDING WAS FUCKING WEAK
WEAK ENDING WAS FUCKING WEAK
WEAK ENDING WAS FUCKING WEAK
WEAK ENDING WAS FUCKING WEAK
WEAK ENDING WAS FUCKING WEAK
WEAK ENDING WAS FUCKING WEAK
WEAK ENDING WAS FUCKING WEAK

>>8112702
I've been thinking about writing a book called "this will confuse you, make you scream in pain as your mind melts, or nod appreciatively" which will just be an accurate description of the different types of crazy shit that time travel can cause.

I was thinking about stable loops you can get from doing something that you knew was going to happen the other day. That's a situation where actively trying to avoid a paradox can lead to a paradox, because you end up not doing what you would have done had you not been convinced that it would happen anyway.

Yeah, that's what I think about during my morning shower.

>>8112787

So I was thinking about this cool idea for a book in my morning shower.

I was thinking about stable loops you can get from doing something that you knew was going to happen the other day. That's a situation where actively trying to avoid a paradox can lead to a paradox, because you end up not doing what you would have done had you not been convinced that it would happen anyway.

Yeah, I was thinking about naming it something like "this will confuse you, make you scream in pain as your mind melts, or nod appreciatively", which will just be an accurate description of the different types of crazy shit that time travel can cause.

FOUR THREADS UNTIL IT DIES OH GOD

can anyone tell me how to acess the archives?

>>8112853
Unless, of course, your first reaction in all timelines is to leave shit alone, in which case you're fine.

If your first reaction in all timelines is to dick with stuff, and your dickery doesn't change that or the conditions of your future dickery, you can cause a stable loop wherein your dickery causes your dickery, and you're fine.

If your reaction is uncertain, and could go either way depending on how the You from the last timeline dicked with stuff, then you could easily get caught in a paradox.

it's almost over...

>>8113029
Good night, sweet prince!

>>8113029

404. FLAWLESS VICTORY.

And she's gone.

She's dead /tg/ ;_;

She's gone

too bad it sank

After more than 620 posts and 110 image replies, thread 8108689 ceased to exist.

What was the last post count? I saw 627 before it ended, I think

>>8113065
at least 622

http://rapidshare.com/files/351258406/TrollThread.rar.html

Only a few posts were missed in this archive.

>>8113065
I saw 630.

>>8113100
It got archived, bro...no need for that.

this is the last screencap I made...

All I know is that this is absolutely ridiculous.

>>8113112
For some reason I was convinced it stopped after autosage, but I was wrong.

Oh well.

>>8113105

Hrm, this was the last post I saw

I sort of liked it that way ::3

>>8113151
That's a fucking awesome last post.

Let's throw this a bump. Sure.

so, what would I do if I wanted to dump 73 screencaps that encompassed this entire thread?

Here's my cap. Seconds later I reloaded and it wasn't there.

Did the OP ever actually end this in a way that was confirmed to be the original poster?

>>8113579 here

screw it, that seems like work

>>8113626

Nope. That's what makes it such meta bullshit.

>>8113626

nope

>>8113644
>Nope. That's what makes it incredible.

There we go.

>>8113692

I never said it wasn't incredible.

>>8113723
Clarifying, then.

>>8113590
I think the fact that I didn't get all the images means this was capped literally as it 404'ed.

>>8113814

Pretty sure that's all there was, I never even saw the Questing Whatever tripfag post