Ordo Xenos.

fucking all of them

HOLY SHIT

FUCK THE SHIP
AND JUST BLOW IT UP

The ship came back from the warp without any shielding.

Malleus.

grey knights...ALL DAY ERE DAY
they fight teh demons
ship is teh demons

I instead, begin whorshipping chaos.

>>7526671

There are no demons on the ship. It's taking over their minds with possession and mutation, it would be the Witch Hunters.

Ordo Malleus and a full contingent of Grey Knights.

>>7526666
this, inquisitorial ship passes by, blows it to shit, goes on with its day

None, this is a perfectly normal ship.

>>7526690
no john you are the demons

If to quote Laurence Fishburne,
"FUCK this ship."

>>7526717
oh lawance you so crazy

I'd commandeer the ship for Chaos.
A small, portable Chaos gate?
Think of the havoc we could wreak anywhere in the galaxy.

>>7526709
This.

Malleus you derp.

>>7526733

>>7526766
You love posting that image don't you?

Which branch has the most spikes?

I'd just send wave after wave of guardsmen into the ship until their corpses littered the hallways so much the ship became inaccessible

Someone explain why Malleus would be sent?

This clearly seems like a Witch Hunters job.

>>7526770
well i found it yesterday for the first time...so its the new hotness

Surely you mean the NQUSTN. We don't need Is where we're going.

>>7526822
Fuck you, why did I laugh at that.

>>7526822

I send in the fucking navy, lance the shit out of it, pound what's left with macrocannons. Then, I invite a Hereticus inquisitor to sit and watch the Ceremony Of Wreckage Scanning and the Rite of Turning Shit Into Space Dust Once More.

>>7526800

>>7526811
I think he was implying that you were me.
But I've never cared for that image, nor have I ever posted it.
I am rather fond of this image and post it quite a bit. But if you had a daughter this adorable, you'd want to share her pictures everywhere you could as well.

The one with all the missiles.

hi guys!

>>7526801
Hmm... are there HERETICS? No, there are possessed people and a possessed ship. Demons -> Malleus.

>>7526801
Malleus are the daemon hunters.
The ship was in the warp without any gellar shielding. Thus becoming a daemon ship.

2 and 2 is 4.

>>7526888
EXACTLY SHIP WENT TO HELL
HELL=DEMONS
DEMONS=GREY KNIGHTS

>Which branch of the Inquisition do you send?

I don't. I call the Tau and offer them a gift of friendship- a ship with a fully functional warp drive. No strings attached, no favours required- just a ship that they can do whatever they want with. Then I sit back and watch as hilarity ensues.

What branch of the Inquisition handles shitty movies?

Lord Inquisitor Roper gives two bolt rounds and one exterminatus...

>>7526709
>>7526851
Seeing as it's a perfectly functional relic of Dark Age technology that i send in a purgation squad and a few sisters, have the Sanctioned psykers cleanse any traces of warp taint then turn it over to the tech priests to fix the malfunctioning Geller field.

>>7526899
Nah. Ship can't be reclaimed, send in the navy. Or land a fucking titan on the outside, THEN investigate.

>>7526904
lol'd

>>7526801
Why the fuck would you send Sororitas into a daemon ship?

Someone shoot this incompetent moron.

>>7526904
Good idea. Film it. Submit it to Imperium's Funniest Home Videos.

>>7526904
>No strings attached, no favours required- just a ship that they can do whatever they want with. Then hijinks ensue.

Fixed.

Ordo Malleus, to combat The Enemy Beyond.

the demons are already dead...

>>7526904
Using Chaos as a weapon?

isn't that a little...

heretical?

>>7526922
Seeing as the extent of the taint is ONE single possessed crew member it's a job for a handful of interrogators. Honestly the infection is so minor that the Inquisition isn't really needed. It needs a sanctified hull and a Geller field, otherwise the ship is just fine as is.

>>7526934
Tau don't have Warp presence.
Demons wouldn't acknowledge them.

i would send in these two...KEEP CRYING BABY DEMONS

rolled 80 = 80

Ordos Hereticus. Their vast manpower and influence could prove useful in the future, and by sanctioning them as the "official" Ordos in this operation, they owe me a favor for later. What actually happens aboard that ship can be sorted out later. Career advancement NOW.

Oh fuck, I JUST finished watching Event Horizon, opened Firefox and this thread was on the first page. Fucking creepy.

Inquisition? Hereticus. Why? So I can herd two hundred otherwise useless psykers to create delicious soul shattering cacophony inside the ship. Fight psychos with psychos, see?

>>7526979
>Tau don't have Warp presence.

Yes they do, it's just smaller than a human's warp presence.

>>7526976
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, USING THE DAEMONS AGAINST OUR ENEMIES CAN BE OUR GREATEST WEAPON.

>>7527014
yeah i always thought that only pariahs had no warp presence...thus making them good at laying the smack down on psykers

rolled 1 = 1

>>7526999
Rolling for SAN damage.

This looks like a job for a berzerker packin' man and a half!

>>7527014
Indeed.
Let me put it like this: see that hamburger in the pic?
That's a human's warp presence.
Tau's is like a McDonald's kid's hamburger.

>>7527063

I send Arnold Blacknigger.

>>7527085
I send Blackadder.

>>7526992

>>7526934

I've just had this vision of a whole fortress worth of Inquisitor's and acolytes, perhaps with one or two Marines, all watching this on a big screen tv. A techpriest is sharing popcorn with an assassin.

"Hey wait, shut up! This is getting good..."
"He's not really going open- he's opening it!"
*expectant hush*
++OH AUN, THE PAIN++
Everyone hoots and laughs

>>7527238
Broadcast it to every single corner of the Imperium. Squad moral restored.

>>7527049
Pariahs actualy have kind of an antiwarp presence, it effects a large area in the warp. There are people that just dont have a warp presence (its null or blank and I always forget which is which), they make folk uncomfortable, but not the "I MUST SCREAM" of being around a pariah. Tau simply have a reduced warp precence, they arnt souless, but as close as you can get and still have a soul. Like lawyers. An entire race of lawyers.

>>7527292

"Daddy, Daddy, can I stay up to watch the Xeno Special of Imperium's funniest vids? Please?"
"Have you done your chores, Juliet?"
"Yes daddy."
"Alright then. But straight to bed after, you hear?"
"Thank you Daddy! You're the best!"

====

"Brothers, the work must be completed."
"Magos, we have tried everything! We've lit incense, we switched it off and on again, we even said the nine thousand pleas of workyoubastard. I'm afraid the reciever is broken completely."
"Listen you little scrapshunt, I am not missing my show just because some little pissant can't fix an STC comm tower. Get it done in time, or face the consequences. UNDERSTAND?"
"Yes Magos."

==

"Corporal, you have the amasac?"
"Yup. Three cases. Also, as per your regulations, snack rations for all the men, and enough devotional texts to make it count as a 'educational program'"
"Private, I don't know what I'd do without you."


===

"The mon'keigh broadcast has been decoded, honoured seer. The bonesingers have crafted a viewing window on the main terrace, and the Avatar is already being roused from it's slumber."
"Excellent. This should prove amusing."
"Indeed. The previews alone indicate that it will be among the classics, let alone my farsight. It was a brilliant move to draw that ship from the warp."
"Well, you know what Eldrad always used to say."
"Oh yes."

>>7527238
>>7527578

Somewhere aboard a Hive Ship in the midst of Leviathan, a membrane is being stretched across a muscle wall, and several glow-worms - electronically aggravated to generate different shades of red, blue, and yellow - are encased in a gout-crystal with one polished end.

"Skree?"
"Skrooooo..."
"Fajajajaek!"
"Vrrt-koowop-gerjsg-kriiii-doooo!"
"Vakanan!"
++OH AUN THE PAIN++

"Hjhjhjhjhjhjhjhjhjhjhjhjhjhjhjhtttttttt!"

>>7527292
>>7527578
>>7527982

What's this? A brief heart-warming moment in the grim darkness of the far future?

Finally, the Tau are found to have a purpose!

>>7527982
>>"Hjhjhjhjhjhjhjhjhjhjhjhjhjhjhjhtttttttt!"

I lawled 'til it hurt, then I just giggled. Good show, /tg/.

>>7527982
>>7527578
>>7527238

"'Ere, wot da zog iz you grots doin?"
"Er, well boss, we putz dis pot on der wyrdboy's 'ead, den we linked dis 'ere wire into dose gubbins an' it all lights up wiv dese pitchers, loike."
"You'z mukkin abaht ain't ya-"
++OH AUN THE PAIN++
"-nevar moind, gatha tha boys. Dis is good n' Orky!"

>>7528823
Ork televisions are weirdboys with pots and christmas lights on their heads...
I want to complain, but it just sounds so ROIGHT

>>7528862
DRAWFAG!

>>7527058
Oh god, he must have had a total mental breakdown.

They'd probably send in at least a small flotilla of ships, whatever denomination of the Imperium they used. After all, the Event Horizon -is- a pre-heresy ship from the Golden Age of Technology. The machine-cult would cream their servos, seeing that shit.

"..."
".. . ....."
".... ... . .. .. "
".. . .. ...."
++OH AUN THE PAIN++
". . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ."

>>7530088
Oh necrons, you so silly.

In character, I'd send Grey Knights.

Out of Character, I'd just lead Orks to it, grab some popcorn, and watch the fun.

IS THIS SHIT ARCHIVED YET

>>7530140
WE'Z AIN'T GUNNA NEED EYEZ WHERE WE'Z GOIN YA GITZ

this is the best thread

"So Kreearch, what are you and your kindred going to be doing tonight."
"Kreearch and kin shall feast and watch intercepted Imperial transmissions, Shas'ui. For Greater Good, of course."
"Your dedication does you credit, noble Kroot. Carry on.... I don't suppose any of my men would be of use to you when going through the intercepts?"
"Heh. Your men are not... required. Heh heh. We have... experienced... these transmissions before. We know what to expect. Heh heh heh."
"Oh. Well, carry on."
"Of course, shas'ui. Heh."

Destroy the ship. It has been forever tainted.

Anyone up for a Space Marine or Chaos version? Or other Imperium's funniest vids?

The Inquisition probably sets up the Tau for this. Finds a horrible threat somewhere, leads the Tau to it, record the action for the enjoyment of all.

>>7531609
Please.
Please.

>>7530211

ZOG DIS SHIP

>>7528592
Ugh I can't stand Japanese ghosts they are the only thing in cinema that gives me the creeps.

>>7530088
"Why have I been called up from readying my sacrifices to the Chaos Gods?! Those take time to prepare, you best have a good excuse!"
"Some of the Heriteks got an Imperial show intercept on the main screen, you GOTTA SEE THIS."
"...BY TZEENTCH, IS THAT BOB'S SHIP?"
"...I think it is!"
"Oh by the Dark Gods, he ALWAYS booby traps the doors! This should be good!"
++OH AUN THE PAIN++
"YESSSSSSSSS"
"BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!"

>>7531961
"Now, neophytes, you've served well these past months. As such, the force commander has decided to play the Xeno Special of Imperium's funniest videos."
"WOOOOOOO"
"Now, I ALSO expect you to study the hated xeno, and also learn to NOT do what he does."
"....Still WOOOOOOOO"
*later*
++OH AUN THE PAIN++
"FOR THE EMPEROR"
"His legs went fifty feet in separate directions!"

>>7526822
awesomefaceNOEYES.jpg

Oh this is great. The whole of the grim darkness of the forty first millinium is all faked, so they can film a reality show torturing the tau, who are the only people who arnt in on it.

WTF?

This movie was *already* the closest we'll ever get to a 40K movie. No explanation needed.

Besides, we all know it was the story of an Adeptus Mechanicus Explorator team anyway. *crosses arms*

>>7532196
>motherofgod.jpg
Suddenly, it ALL MAKES SENSE.
The plot holes, the inconsistencies, the skulls, everything.
The Imperium is actually a perfectly nice, if somewhat religious place to live. It's all just a galaxy-wide effort of trolling targeted against the Tau.

>>7532310
The squats didnt get eatin, they just didnt renew their contract and switched to a different network.

>The local authority has put you in charge of cleansing the heresy within an abandoned ship called The Event Horizon. Which branch of the Inquisition do you send?

Whichever one has been getting on my tits the most lately.

>>7532640
>just yankin yer tit
You an Aussie, mate?

>>7532184

>>7526642
I would send a group of grey knights with several inquisitors, that way if the inquisition can't figure out what going on before the ship jumps back in, there will be a huge group of grey knights floating in the warp, randomly bumping into daemons: basically the warp equivalent of a warp storm in the material world.

everyone exists to fuck over the tau, the nids and necrons once FOUGHT over the right to kill a tau planet.

>>7532997
hahaha that's exactly the pic I was thinking of
save'd, so I'll have it next time

>>7532857
> you an aussie?
> Flight of the Conchords picture

>>7533033
Holy fuck, I know they're Kiwis; if you ever watched the show you'd know there was an episode where they get made fun of by the Australian consulates who keep saying, "Just yannkin yer tit, mate."

>>7532857
"Hurt feelin's, I've got hurt feelin's"

>>7532857

Nah, British, and I ain't a kiwi neither.

Things get on our tits, but I don't believe they yank them as well.

>>7527982
There are no words...

Someone do a Sisters of Battle version!!!
Someone do a Sisters of Battle version!!!

Oh God, the pain! I can't stop laughing!

Has this shit been archived yet? Jesus christ it's fantastic!

>>7530088
>>7530109

>>7533589
"Quickly sisters the broadcast shall start soon!"
"But we were going to watch Titan!"
"I wanted to watch Saint Marathina Steward's cooking show, they were going to do a Flamme Xeno special..."
"Oh praise the Emperor, Space Marines Gone Wild is on cinemax!"
++OH EMPRAH THE GLORY++
"They're such beefcakes..."
"...oh, they're making my passion soar!"

This one

Grey knights.

5 of them can take out anything infesting a chaos ridden ship.

Do one with Kriegers.

A shipment of Kreigers.

>>7534448

"Sir, why are they all standing around staring like that? It's creeping me out."
"Well, armsman, their Commissar has set up a live vid to keep them entertained in transit. Something about Tau, I don't know."
++OH AUN THE PAIN++
"What the hell is that noise."
"Laughter. I think."

>>7536291
...I have this feeling Krieger laughter is a terrifying thing.

FUCK! SEND THEM ALL.

THE KNOWLEDGE THAT IT WILL NOT BE ENOUGH AND THEY WILL ALL DIE HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE DEATHS HAUNTS ME.

TELL THEM TO BRING SPARE EYES JUST IN CASE.

OH GOD WE'RE ALL FUCKED! IT'S NOT GONNA BE QUICK, it's not gonna be quick oh god...

Well seeing as all the information I've been given is that it is an abandoned ship I'm going to send the Ordos Xenos with instructions to keep transmissions open and report all activity no matter how trivial. Once the true nature of the problem has been discovered I thank the Acolytes of the Alien Hunters and call in experts from the Ordos Malleus with strongly warded sanctioned psykers to purge the warp taint.

>>7536291

Any others? I think we've done all the big ones now, which sup-groups should be done?

I hope this thread survives till I get home.

>>7536459
Grey Knights don't really give a shit about weird ghosts and they can't be corrupted. I figure a group of Grey Knight Terminators and an Inquisitor would have it wrapped up in an evening. They'd probably just bomb the thing into oblivion and leave.

Though I will say, that was an awesome ass movie.

>>7536459
It's been archived FOR THE EMPRAH

why not just send a crew of untouchables and techpriest ?

I'd send WAVE AFTER WAVE of my own men.

They have bugger all reason to go inside, I think they'd probably just get the nearest random armed ship and blow it apart.

>>7536688
Love of their Captain is reason enough to go inside.

lol people still thinking Event Horizon is a 40K movie

i send Issac Clarke

>>7536291

“Hwhy are whee here? Thee sees not zheee temple”
“Shaddup. I’m trying to watch here.”
++Oh Aun the pain!++
“Wow. Heesh shpleeen.”
“Aw yeah.”

===

"Lord Captain, we are in signal range. The primary Astropath is receiving the transmission and the Explorator is translating.”
“My thanks, helmsman. Dismiss the crew, they have leave to break to watch this. Seneschal Gravion?”
“My lord?”
“Make a note – as soon as the special is over, our next venture is to buy out the vid-logs and sell them to the border worlds. We’ll make a mint!”

"...pitiful creature, I have perfected my art over a thousand lifetimes of your kind. I am an artist of pain, a dancer with the knife. You shall beg me for death come-"
"Master! Look, it has begun."
"-hold that thought. Slave, bring me a draught. I'm having the night off."
*a small voice whispers from the operating table*
"Ugh... please... I beg you... allow me to see it."
"Ha! Of course not. Torture master, remember?"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Ach, I'm just kidding. Get your face on, you can watch with me."

'Honoured Shas'vre, I have the Earth Caste reports on the new model of burst cannon that you-Excuse me, sir, but what are you watching?'
'Oh, hey. You remember that frigate that the Imperium donated to us? This is the pict-feed from the team of pathfinders who I sent to investigate-'
++OH AUN THE PAIN++
'By the Greater Good! What horrendous traps did the Imperium seed this vessel with?'
'This is truly a sad day for the greater good, Shas'ui. We have just lost some of the most dedicated and brave soldiers ever to weild a pulse carbine. We must take whatever steps are necessary to prevent such a tragedy from occurring again.'
'............'
'.........'
'pfffft....'
'Hahahahahahahahahaha! Who should we send in next, the Kroot or the Vespid?'
'Oh, who are we kidding. Who do you think we should send in next, the Vespid or the Kroot?'

>>7540043

What a tweeeest!