Emperor shoulderpad sez:

:(

oh god that face...

It just doesn't look right

looks like his lightning claws are getting larger every time someone draws him.

i mean damn, in that pic its almost 50% of his size.

>>7447221

THIN YOUR PAINTS

Sweet Jesus

NEEDS MOAR WINGS.

Dayum I sure look fine in this pic. It was taken while I led the charge against the Arch-Lunatic of Gesthemane IV, way back around M29 or so. I was sure a stud back then, before all the stress of uniting mankind really did a number on my face. Wish I could still look like that!

I really liked that suit of armor. Too bad it got all dinged up in the battle. The breastplate and pauldrons are Gucci Men's. The shield was a custom designed piece by Prada. The victory wreath was handcrafted from 22k white gold by my buddy Marc Jacobs. It made for quite a dashing ensemble if I might say so myself.

His crotch head is glowing.

>>7447299

That armor was totally bitchin', pops. You remember how many blowies you, me, and the rest of the Primarchs got that night? Those were the good times.

>>7447300

That does not look good for heretics

That head on his left pauldron is the actual person who operates the lightning claw.

The Emperor is a normal man of little consequence to humanity. Yawn.

He'd be better off dead. O WAIT--

>>7447334

That's my boy. Wish it could still be like that, ya know? Before things got sour. Sometimes I think about just giving good old Fulgrim a ring and inviting him on a little fishing trip or a xeno purge.

It was an awfully quiet My Day this year without you boys around. At least Roboute was nice enough to send a card.

>>7447178

holy shit that picture is amazing. AVE, AVE, IMPERATOR MAGNUS

>>7447423

Sorry Dad, I was on duty. Had to crush the shit out of a rebellion. My card is in the mail though; Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year from the Imperial Fists!

>>7447475
>Sorry Dad, I was on duty. Had to crush the shit out of a rebellion. My card is in the mail though; Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year from the Imperial Fists!
>Merry Christmas

My lord! Dorn betrays you as well!

>>7447423

Hey Pops, sorry about missing Emperor's Day this year. I've had a killer hangover for the last 10,000 years or so, and I've been sleeping it off at my pad. Cypher said he'd drop by to see how you're doing, so say hi to him for me when he shows up!

Also, do you think you could maybe help me out with rent this month? That last crusade really took a lot out of our savings. Thanks Pop.

Love,
Lion

If the emeperor isn't powerful.. How do the sisters magically become impenetrable and shoot fire that penetrates tanks?

>>7447423

>>7447423

Hey there Pa, sorry this card is so late. It's really a pain in the ass to try to find a Hallmark store in Commorragh.

Hope you're feeling well. I've enclosed a gift certificate for the new Tau sushi restaurant on Vernalis Superior. I ate there last week with the company commanders- the kobe beef rules. Enjoy.

Happy Your Day.
-Jags

>>7447633

>Before things got sour


I know what you mean.

>>7447627
If it's not the Emperor, that means...
...oh dear.

Hello, is this the Ordo Hereticus? Yeah, I've got some bad news.

>>7447423

Sup daddio, would love to send you a card, but uh, yeah, kind of possessed by a snake dick demon. Got 2 new arms out of the deal though, so it's not all bad.

Think you could send me more poison... you know, so I can stab and mortally wound some more of my brothers... lol, you get my reference?

No but for cereals, I just wanted to stay pretty forever, nothing personal agaisnt you pop... oh, hold on... hey, Horus is talking to me from the warp again... sec...

Horus saiys hes sorry for the whole "Tear your neck out" thing, and is asking why no ones visited his grave, where is his grave, and for that matter, where is his body.

I don't have the heart to tell him that it got sploded by freaks, probally molested and raped beforehand too.

Stay crusty... er... frosty

-Fulgrim

....

.........


...................

What, you expect me to say something? I've got nothing to say.

Sup pops.

...why didn't you love me like you did the boys?

Sup pops. Sorry I'm kinda drunk rihgth now. Victory celebraitions with the guys. I drank 2,500 horns of bitter ale and rode the great white wolf all night baby. Woohoo! What are you doing with your ass these days? Still emping it up? Sorry I couldnt make it to yr birthday party or whatevs this century but i got shit to do, you dig? And by shit to do I mean ale to drink and bitches to fuck. Party onnnnnnnnnn

Hey could you maybe send some money my way? Kinda need to pay off the insurance on my land raider after i crashed it while joyriding with my boy Bjorn the Fell Handed. thanks pops

oh good luckwith the whole resurrection thing if you ever get aroudn to doing that lol

peace, lemers

>>7447627
It is because of the Good entities in the warp the emperor aligned himself with, The Warps creatures are reflections of the emotions and desires of the Material realms inhabitants. The secret to why the Dark gods wanted him dead is that the era he was leading humanity into was going to cause a fundamental shift in the Warp, causing them to lose much of their power and have the creation of many many good warp entities, and the possible creation of good warp gods. They corrupted Horus to prevent this and throw the universe back into the darkness. The Imperial Saints and people who claim to have had the Emperor work through them are channeling the power of these Good Warp beings that are left, still loyal to their ally in the Material Realm, the emperor.

Mom says you're late on the child support by several Millenia. You're a fucking cunt, and I'm going to bring you back just to slap you in the face.

-Sensei #1

Sup pops,
Sorry that this letter is getting to you late. You would not believe how hard it is to get letters out through the Eye of Terror this time of year. Postal service is utter shit with Tzeentch changing addresses and telling me I don't have enough postage.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know you're in my thoughts. How are the Raven Guard? They haven't reverted into a bunch of mutant freaks, have they? If so, I'm sorry again for that screw up. Hopefully everything works out. Tell Vulkan that I plan on meeting with him for a drink to remember "Drop Day."

Later pops, take it easy,
Corax

>>7447908
Holy fucking Heresy, Not even Cannon supported Heresy, this is Heresy of a new and evil breed!

Hey babe, remember me? Oh I'm sure you do ;) Hope you had a deliciously decadent Emperor's Day this year. Did you get the box of chocolates I sent? Remember, chocolate is one of the strongest aphrodisiacs.

You can call me up anytime. You know I'm always up for a little fun.

xoxo
Slaanesh

>>7447950

i lol'd

>>7448017

YOU...YOU...

DOUBLE HERETIC

>>7448000
Your face is heresy!

>>7448000
Cool trip 0's I am AWESOME

>>7447908
These are some pretty unsupported statements right here

Dear Beloved Father,
I sincerely hope you had the most wonderful Emperor's Day possible. I am extremely sorry that I could not be in Your attendance as I am currently suspended in a stasis chamber. I'm deeply, deeply sorry. (Unlike the rest of my stupid brothers, who couldn't give a damn how You're doing.) However, I have humbly sent some gifts Your way. I hope You like the Brooks Brothers tie I picked out for You. I know it's a little conservative for Your tastes, but You look good no matter what You're wearing. I also sent a nice bottle of Oban scotch and a crate of new golden power armor for the Custodes. It wasn't easy to ship all of that stuff out from Ultramar but at least I tried, unlike my stupid brothers who don't care about You at all.

Happy New Year, dearest Father
Your most loving and wonderful son,
Roboute

Happy birthday, you scrawny bastard. Now come here and give me a big old bear hug like a real Emperor.

No, I swear, this is just body lotion on my skin. It's not rancid plague venom, no sirree. I just got out of the shower!

BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD, SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE

Signed Khorne

> this thread

>>7447178


look at all that space corporate sponsorship logos

>>7448219

Those are designer label logos, dumbass. Not like a neckbeard like you would know anything about fine menswear.

One of the first lessons I learned in my struggle to unite all mankind is that looking sharp is the key to victory.

>>7448244

Of course, the FUCKHUGE PAULDRONS school of design.

Eldar have more taste than you, and they look like a bag of skittles barfed all over them.

>>7448126

Leman Russ was here, Roboute is a brownnosing faggot

Chaos was here, Imperium is faggo-OH GOD WHERE DID THAT TITAN COME FROM?

>>7448271

The Eldar look is so M29.

>>7448311

Hey dad,

Hope you had a great Emperor's Day, I didn't know quite what to send you, so I had a pow-wow with the boys and we picked out a nice Amasec vintage from the nearest Pleasure World. We also sent some candied figs for the Custodes and several mastercraft banners for the infinity gate, as well as a couple sets of mastercraft Termy armor. Only the best for my dad! Hope things are okay on Terra and that the throne is comfy (ha ha); things are good here except for the blood drinking and Death Company insanity, but that's the usual case.

Please send me another set of wing-clipping servitors for my birthday, our present ones went mad and we had to kill them.

Loyalty, Piety, Love and Respect
Your Son

Sanguinus

>>7448333

Haha, nice one Ursarkar. By the way, thanks for the Imperator Titan you got me this year. I gotta say I was pretty surprised to find it in my coffee.

>>7448371
So Emps, Since we got you here talking and all, Which has not happened, well since you died pretty much, Could we have another of those rousing I am not a god speeches, Because I think your Empire forgot.

>>7448350

You know, I'm glad I killed you. Damn brown nosing twit. As for you dad, I got you something special.

Heresy.

Hope you like it, after abandoning all of us for your pet project in the basement I think you've more than earned it.

>>7448350

I hate how you always think you're so much better than me and that Dad loves you the most, you prissy blond girlyman. I bet I spent twice as much on Dad this year as you did.

ARCHIVE

>>7448464
Now Horus did you forget, You got angry because the Chaos gods gave you a glimpse of a future, one where the Impirium Worshiped you Father as a god, and Where you are not beloved at all. Now Look at things, Realize the Path the Chaos gods put you on is the very same one that caused the Future you saw. Emps was never down there trying to Reach Godhood, He was just trying to find a way to harness the Eldar Webway so that Warp Travel would be unessessary. Silly you getting fooled so easily.

>>7447221
It's the eyes and iris's. THEY'RE FUCKING HUGE!

I don't always send holiday greeting cards, but when I do, I prefer to send them to the God-Emperor.

Happy Emperor's Day, my friend.

Happy E-Day, boss.

>>7448531

clueless awkwardfag

>>7448477
Whoa, whoa, calm down, Roboutte. This isn't a pissing contest, alright? We all love Dad a lot. Well, except for Horus and those guys, but can't we all try and get along this once? I mean, think about what happened last year.

So apparently the Emperor was a member of the Gorillaz at one point?

>>7448583
Indeed. We've been jolly busy keeping those filthy xenos and heretics out of the Imperium for quite some time. Hopefully the cigars and amasec we sent along with Castor to Terra made it there untouched.

From all here in Sector Q, Happy Emperor's Day
Q

Hey paps,


Just fuckin' chillin' inside mars with this big ass metal dragon I made. Shit was so cash and I've got those techno-faggots shitting bricks! Oh shit, Christmas... I uhh umm... Roboute's gift is actually from me, he's just a lying faggot.

Catch you next year you old bastard.


Hugs and kisses without the kisses,

Mann'

>>7448595
>>7448477

Boys, boys. I'm disappointed. Can't you all try to get along just for once? I would really appreciate it if we could get through just one holiday season without wrathfully obliterating an entire subsection of the Sanctum. It is MY house, after all.

So Emperor, why the big hate for xenos? We woulda sent you a witchblade or something, but last year you sent terminators by return post...

>>7448620
No, he was a member of Dethklok.

>>7448743


The plot thickens

>>7448735

Whoops, sorry about that..... Musta been one of the High Lords of Terra who sent 'em in My name. Some of those guys sure have a bone to pick.

You know, I was a pretty big fan of you xeno fellas for a while, at least up until that whole birth of Slaanesh fiasco. Sorry my people aren't that cool with your people.

>>7448765

I came.

>>7448531

But did he tell anyone about why he had left us all to rot? No. It would have been simple, just a few words on what he'll be up too in the mean time so that we'll actually have some reason to believe he was something other than a terrible father and Emperor. But nooooooo. You just had to be all mysterious about it, and then blame everyone but yourself when the fact that you never even gave so much as a hint bites you in the ass.

>>7448696

I hate you dad. I tried to help you, I tried to clue you in on the fact that Horus was not only a dick but one that was actively plotting to kill you and take over. But no, you couldn't believe that because it would mean admitting that you were in fact not some sort of paragon of all that is good in the universe. It would mean admitting that you were just a blind old man all along.

And what in the Warp could have possibly convinced you that sending Russ of all people was a bright idea? You were so dense that you couldn't even tell when your own children despised each other!

>>7448776
I thought you didn't like them because Eldrad kept using them to screw humanity over?

>>7448794

I came buckets of flaming promethium.

>>7448825

Alright fine. That one's the biggest prick this side of the Ultima Segmentum. But the rest of you xeno guys are okay in my book.

>>7448477

Robby, I'm trying to keep things civil, but I'd just like to remind you that only one of us died for Dad.

>>7448850

I FUCKING hate it when you call me Robby.

>>7448850
True. And some of us had to watch as swathes of our friends and sons were cut down by men that we had formerly called brother. I've tried not to say anything about it, but...Where the hell were you that day, Roboutte? Where were you during -any- of the Siege of Terra?

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that, but...Not all of us had such an easy time as you, and then you came storming in with your binder full of rules. I backed you, because I thought it was a good idea then, but...Now I'm having second thoughts. Your boys have gotten a little too big for their power armored britches.

>>7448897
>>7448850

Can you babies keep it down? I'm trying to watch the bloodbowl game

For someone who got all butthurt over being worshipped just a little bit you sure seem cool with the whole God-Emperor setup you've had going on for the past ten millenia.

Enjoy your space nuns, asshole.

Happy Emperor's Day, Emperor.

Also, if you don't mind could you confirm whether the God-Emperor/Omnissiah being one and the same is correct, or are you the God Emperor and Omnissiah being different entities?

I got into a heated debate with my colleague the other day. He refuses to consider my theory that you are not the Omnissiah, but that you two are 'Total bros'.

>>7448899

Robby had to be the big man, write his codex.

>>7448765
Dethklok is the final form the Emperor took before being reborn AS the Emperor.

It all makes sense now.

Which means...if Toki is the band's kindness, compassion and general human decency...

TOKI IS LI'L E?!

>>7448814


That thing down the basement was suppose to be a surprise for everyone you dumb shit. And I've told you a million times never to use Warp magic. But did you listen? No. When you sent that message you wrecked my shit up. What made you think I'd believe you when you said your Brother Horus plans to betray me after that? He was always the better Son. But to be fair Maybe if I did tell you children what I was up to non of this would have happened. But then again It wouldn't have been a surprise now would it?

>>7448814
Well Magnus, in the Emperors defense here, The reason he put the ban on Warpcraft was because he was afraid of essentially what happened to Horus happening to you. Was it right? No, your delving into the warp gave you a better understanding and allowed you to protect yourself against it, if not for his Ham handedness with it You would have stood next to him. But again, He did do it out of Love, soooo

Archive

Hey Emperor. Sorry I didn't call sooner, but...Sweet YOU, these Necrons show up wherever I go. It's like they're following me, just to scare the shit out of me...either that or they don't know how to make friends.

Either way, they're really freaking me out. And I sent you a huge pot of the best Tanna Leaf tea I could get my hands on.

>>7447591

That's a grave accusation you got thar.

Hey, buddy!
Sorry that I forgot to write, but I've been too busy glorifying your servants and decrying the heresy and xenos that have worked their way into the Imperium. Just lettin' you know, though, things are gonna get good for us.

Also, Roboutte, you need to pay me if you want me to keep working on your shitty movie.

OP emperor should have a stetson on his head.

>>7449012

>>ban on Warcraft

Now we know what Rowboat was really up to when he was locked in his room 'writing the Codex Astartes.'

>>7447907
Joy riding? You know damn well what you were doing.

>>7448997

Ahh, the human shaper, I've heard much about you. Perhaps I could have you over for dinner sometime?

>>7448743
Tokie is the Khan

>>7449082
......................

>>7449169
Really? I always pictured him as a "Top hat and monocle" sort of guy. Then again, everyone looks good wearing that, and I'm pretty sure it increases your intelligence by a fair amount.

I swear I saw Kharn with the TH&M combo the other day. And he was drinking tea and reading. Admittedly, he was reading comics, but really, everyone loves Calvin and Hobbes.

>>7449174

Omigod! I remember that!

>>7449213
Suddenly, Emperor Kroot. Thousands of them.

>>7449012

Doing it out of love does not change the fact that it was still a stupid move by a terrible father who knew nothing about his own children. If a father beats his child because he thinks it will help the child is both wrong and a moron, meaning that despite his love he is still a failure as a parent.

>>7448997

1. You were an idiot to ban my use of warp magic. Of the eighteen of us I was the person best suited to study it and was able to resist its corruption. That is, of course, until you sent that bitch Russ after me and forced me to use it to survive. Then again, that was pretty much your fault and wouldn't have happened if you had the tiniest speck of sense, which would have been all you needed to realize that Russ was the exact wrong choice for the job. I didn't fall, you pushed me. So you were a double idiot.

2. A surprise? A SURPRISE?! You risked the entire Imperium, the very future of humanity, and abandoned your own children for YEARS just so that when you finally unveiled that pet project of yours it would be a surprise? I hate you so much.

3. If you had bothered to tell me what you were up to in the first place all of this could have been avoided! If I had known what was going on down there I would have used something else! But no, you were so obsessed with your Warp damned surprise that you didn't think that something might actually go wrong and we might need to talk to you. We were only fighting your own damn Crusade for you, why would we ever need to talk to you?

You know what, forget it. I'm glad you showed me just how much of a dick you always were. I'm glad you helped bring me to my senses, otherwise I would never have realized that I was a fool to try to help you in the first place. Horus gave you exactly what you deserved.

>>7449299

Why you gotta be so butthurt on Dad Day, Magnus?

>>7448915

Dude, the Holy Terra Zealots are totally going to slaughter the Scintilla Patriarchs. This year. Just like last year. And the year before. Beyotch.

Pass the Fritos.

>>7449354

Maggie's always like that dude... real wired, you know? Bro needs to just chill out with some of this dank-ass Dark Eldar leaf i picked up from my guy in Commorragh

>>7449357
Dont lose your head Ferrus.

>>7449379

PUNK'D

>>7449357
Man, I was hoping the Ophelia Redeemers would actually have a shot this year, but noooo.

>>7449071

Done. But butthurt suptg questfags have already voted this epic thread down to -2. Let's change that fellas

>>7449423
Doing so

>>7448842
Now, be fair, I did try and warn you about Horus. Remember when you spilled your drink and the stain said "Your kid's a jackass?" But no, you didn't believe it. By the way, that Custodes with the mustache? Watch him.

HARRIERS FOR THE CUP

>>7449423
Done.

>>7449467
>By the way, that Custodes with the mustache? Watch him.
Its you isn't it.

>>7449423

Good call, bro.

Have a Miller Light.

Dammit Dad! I used to love you! I used to worship you! DAMN DAMN DAMN! Why am I always punished for being grateful!? WHY!? I Love you... no wait I don't love you! DAMN I don't know. I HOPE YOU ROT... Happy Fathers Day.

>>7449374

Dude, remember when we went to Macragge to visit Robby and we took those Martian shrooms before landing? Fucker was pissssssssssed!

>>7449522

That was me, by the way, my comm is a bit buggy.

>>7449496
Dude, I don't think he wanted you to worship him. He just wanted someone to chill with.

Happy Emper'a Day, Boss!

>>7449491
>Miller Lite

YOU ARE NOT MY FATHER!
No wonder I was able to drink your pussy ass under the table...

>>7449532
>>7449496

Yeah Lorgs, that really was kind of creepy. He's your freakin' DAD, for Hissakes.

>>7449552
But I need it! I NEED IT! If I have noone to worship, what is there? is there a God? Does he love me? How many Gods are there?! Why do my socks get lost in the laundry!? I NEED SOMETHING TO LATCH ONTO!!

... oh, also I am sorry for trying to kill you that one time Robute... I was kind of misguided. I never really hated you... YES I DID!

>>7449587

I was kidding son, jeez! You know I never drink anything shittier than a Yuengling.

>>7449625

Dude, chillax. You were always the awkward one. I see that 10,000 years in the Warp haven't changed that.

>>7449625

You're still just brooding over not getting the Wing Trait.

Hey guys, what's going on? Sorry I'm late, I was taking an epic dump. Damn, it smells terrible in here! Somebody Febreeze this shit!!

Oh wait.... that's me.

>>7449625

Let me tell you about the Greater Good..

>>7449628
Fine.. whatever...

Hey Mags? You uh, want a drink? On me, of course.

Hey dad....stay cool

>>7449663
>>7449668

I just want to be loved by a deity, is that so wrong? Also NOT being dropped on a planet run by crazy Zealots would have helped probably...

>>7449663
Dude, Vulkan, we need to hang out sometime soon. It's almost...well, Drop Day. Feels like we need to take some time, mourn the guys that died and then drink until we can't feel feelings.

>>7449739
Might I suggest the Flying Spaghetti Monster? I realize that the Emperor frowns on worship in general, but if it'll calm you down...

>>7449727
Sup, Sigmar?

>>7449668

By Dad, Sangy, nobody cares about your fucking wings already!!!!! I swear, you're even more of a narcissistic tool than that fag Fulgrim.

Come on man. I got the tactical genius trait, I wrote the damn Codex Astartes, and I founded a freakin' empire of my own. But it's the pretty blond one with the wings who gets all the pussy, all the glory, and all of Dad's love.

I guess I'm just going to go in my room and cry now. Asshole.

>>7449706
Mortarion, might I suggest this AXE body wash? You will be a Sororitas MAGNET in no time.

rolled 2 = 2

...and this is why Warp travel is hated.

>>7449707

Lorgar is interested in this concept of 'Greater Good'

>>7449783

I tried but they kicked me out for 'Missing the point entirely' when I erected 3000 foot Golden Statues of the Noodly one using my enemies as slave labor!

>>7449867
You may be a little too high strung for Pastafarians. What about the Rastafarians? Join them, and you will be totally chill.

>>7449831

Um, thanks. Fulgrim got me this Calvin Klein Obsession shit, but I just think it makes me smell even worse.

>>7449937

Deodorant is for HERETICS.... I mean uh... DICKS! You must wallow in your stench and boils and give yourself over to the PUTRID ONE!...err, maybe not. I don't know... Nurgle keeps blocking my phone calls.

>>7450025

......
Not really surprised about that, bro.

>>7450025
Dude, seriously, try this shit. This is the best we've ever grown, and you need it.

[passes blunt to Lorgar. Said blunt is about the size of a powersword.]

you're all a bunch of fags.
-angron

>>7450081

*puff puff* ... *cough!* wow... they need to build a religion based off of this!

>>7450054
Hey, Angron, are you done with my Calvin and Hobbes books? I'd like them back, if it isn't too much trouble.

>>7450081

Whoa dude.
Holy shit.
Whoooaaa.
Shhhhiiiiiittttttttt.

I gotta give some of this to my Marines.

Hey, Emps, you want any of this weed when we're done?

>>7450213

Thanks boys. But don't worry about me. The thousands of psyker souls they feed me daily keep me pleeeenty blazed.

>>7450252
Damn. Didn't know psyker souls did that.

>>7450381

Psyker souls are the good shit, trust me.

Oh great, where am I now?

>>7450396
What kind of drugs does Tzeentch use, out of curiosity.

>>7450904

All of them. at the same time

What the fuck is going on here?

Fixed the eyes because I found it strange too. Thanks for the input anon.

>>7452861

The emperor does not look pleased. I like dis version.

The emprah is not pleased with his children. It's power Belting time. You failures deserve it.