My character falls over a lot. Usually into other PCs or important NPCs.

No, but I did get laughed at when i used Thees & thous, even though i did research to try to do it correctly.

Apparently it's just fine to talk in modern English, and it gets "translated" in-game

>>12976701
No, but I made a dwarf fighter. Apparently the fucking Dragonborn Bahamut Paladin couldn't stand me.

Something happen that's bad but not in my control?

GOD DAMNIT ANONYMOUS.

FOR INSTANCE!

>Using dorf vision, see monsters on the fucking cieling
>NO FUCKING LIGHT SOURCE
>THINK FAST, CHUCK BATTLE HAMMER AT CEILING
>COLLAPSE CEILING, KILL SOME SNEAK, BUT STILL MORE TO FIGHT
>JESUS CHRIST THIS IS AWESOM-

"GOD DAMNIT ANONYMOUS YOU DESTROYED THE CEILING OF MY GOD'S CHURCH."

WELL FUCK.

>>12976863
I'd go all out. Be as much as a bother to him as you can, without being evil or unlawful. No LOL RANDOM or annoying shit either. I mean shit like what you did. That was awesome, and it is at the same time hilarious how it pisses him off.

>>12976903
Dude, I have like 20 more stories of shit like this.

>>12976908
STORIES FOR THE STORY GOD!

Seriously, if they are as hilarious as that one, I would love to hear them.

>>12976863

>going through underground temple of bahamut place over run by monsters and shit

>getting sick of trap testing every door, tiptoeing around tulips

>go dorf, rush a door and kick the bitch open screaming at the top of my lungs, holding my battle axe.

>PALADIN SCREAMS "NO!" IN REAL LIFE

>TONS OF ROBED DRAGONBORN WHISPERING FRANTICALLY

>MAKES OUT THE WORDS "FAILURE, END, DEATH"

>LIGHTNING DISINTIGRATES ALL OF THEM, LEAVING ROBES AND PILES OF ASH

"THOSE WERE WORSHIPPERS OF BAHAMUT AND YOU INTERRUPTED AN IMPORTANT RITUAL"
OH COME ON.

>>12976908
Storytiem?

>>12976940
OH, there was that time we were fighting an enchanted suit of armor, yeah, now this one was fucking hilarious to me.

This thing was not going down, and it was fucking impossible to hurt, the warlock used some magic monocle to see it was enchanted to hell and back with tons of protective spells and shit on it.

We're in a small hallway, maybe two people can stand shoulder to shoulder and block off the path.

This thing is wrecking, so I BULLRUSH, GONNA TAKE THIS BITCH DOWN AND STAB HIM IN THE THROAT.

FUCK A TWO.

WHAT, NO, FUCK NOT THE PALADIN.

Do you know what's not fun about being prone in a pile in front of a giant suit of armor with a claymore?

The impalement.

>>12976940
This is awesome. It is something that is your fault, but you are blameless in your ignorance. And yet it is something the paladin can get hugely ticked off about. This is like the perfect comedy interparty conflict

>>12976997
Man it would be funny except the player took it way too personally. His face would get all red and he'd start screaming at me in real life. To which it got to a point that just fucking trolling him became me playing the game.

I don't regret it though, because for some reason him being a cunt made me actually playing so much more satisfying.

>>12977014
I've got bunch of more stories from this one character, if you'd all like to hear more than just paladin raeg. Like the time I accidentally taught our enemies how to fight, or accidentally skinned the druid.

Then there's also the ones where I actually save peoples lives frequently from shit.

>>12977034
>Accidently skinned the druid
How could you... I mean... Oh, go on, tell the stories about that and pissing off the paladin. Then move on to helping people after you tell the fail stories first.

>>12977034
please, MOAR!

>>12977052
Well skinning the druid was different than it may sound. But well, let's say me the paladin and the druid go into this room, the rest of the party fiddling around hiding in plain sight and doing whatever the hell they do.

Well, we activated some sort of Sigil of Tiamat and guess what? Avatar of Tiamat came out!

And it asked us a question. It asked the druid what it would do if it burnt down a forest. The druid was a bitch ass and said nothing cause fucking AVATAR OF A GOD BRO.

Next me. I don't remember much. But what I remember is me bitching out.

"Ahh the strong warrior, would you fight me if I hurt your friend?"

"Well.... No! Well. Yeah, but only if you hurt them kind of bad!"

"Say I cut them deep?"

"Well It'd have to be a little more than that."

"What if I cut off their arm?"

"Well, I'd fight you then! But... I might want to save my strength."

"And if I killed your friend?"

"Well then I'd definitely fight you, maybe!"

It's at this point that the avatar of tiamat proceeds to hold down the druid and tear her skin off her body, while me and the paladin just kind of stare at her.

The Avatar laughs and me and the paladin just kind of look at each other.

>>12977131
Oh and luckily the avatar left, thought I typed that out. But it was just toying with us, more or less.

Hmmm. Another story. Pissing off the paladin.... hmm? This campaign was a while ago bu- Oh my god, The fucking Elevator shoot.

Now this was a fucking funny one, and I think it'll need a new post for it.

>>12977158
This was when we were inside of a castle propped upon the body of a dead god, that teleported every thousand years or so, but was getting more active, and the teleportation more destructive. Apparently mind flayers set up shop as well as some occult, but the occult isn't important. The mind flayers are what we're after here. They're ripping off flesh of the dead god and eating it, trying to get it's power, and the castle is so big that there's practically a city of them.

So fighting through mindflayers here and fucking everywhere, and a couple close encounters that one dice rolled wrong could have ended the campaign, and we end up taking some back asswards secret route that ends up in a sandy arena. Gladiator style. But.... You know. Mind Flayers in the stands. Watching. And cheering! A mind flayer announcer was speaking some sort of cthulhu language or some shit, and stated the rules in common as well for us stupids.

Well it was a game show. And they were betting on us. And would watch us with flowers attached to our persons. (Gifts of the mind flayer host.)

I try to get out of this, as we're in no way fit for a fight and I'm thinking tigers and shit, so I try to tell them we're injured.

"Oh.... You're injured?"

"Well.... Maybe?"

It's at this point that the mind flayer decides to change numbers on a chalk board.

Our odds. Fucking hell, everyone gives me a glare as we pick a door and embark through a stone tunnel. I use stone knowledge. THE MIND FLAYERS CHEER.

There was a bet if I would use Stone Knowledge or not. :I

(Cont next)

>>12977221
So we're going and we see some grates, we step on them and drop down to another level and it's the equivalent of going through air ducts more or less with super powered fans. But at the time we didn't really know that some of these grates would push you up instead of just opening out from under you.

So being a good sport, I volunteer the paladin and push him forward onto a great.

He flies up, hundreds of feet!

Then he comes down.

Oh no!

What.

No!

The Grate opens, and he plummets hundreds down to a raging river/water slider and we all go in after him.

"FUCKING DORF" Can be heard from the paladin at this point.

So we're going through this water slide and it evens out and the water drains. Another Grate. Good grief.

The paladin stares at us with a look of hatred and steps onto it, getting launched up. The druid decides it'd be a good time to try it out as well.

So I go as well!

Then the Archer!

And then the warlock!

Now I don't know if this is how physics work, but let's just say that the air force occasionally slows down, correct? But the druid and I are still going fast.

Well. Imagine the paladin suspended in the air for a hot moment, and sees an air duct in front of him.

Aha, his way ou- NOPE.

DRUID FLIES UP AND CRUSHES HIM INTO THE CEILING, HAHA FUCK YOU PALAD- OH GOD NO I'M GOING TO HIT THEM T-

It's at this point the force of a dwarf too distracted by all the noise to notice the escape vent smashes into the druid, who smashes into the paladin, who have both begun to fall from the ceiling, smashing them both into the ceiling once more.

Now, for a split second we're suspended still at the top of the ceiling, when I see both the archer and Warlock flying up.

>>12977305
Now it'd probably be a good point to mention that the warlock was also known as porcupine, or pin cushion. Because she had like a million daggers in her inventory. She collected very pointy objects frequently.

So it's time to get the fuck out of dodge.


Welp, I DODGE INTO THAT AIR VENT NOW THAT I SEE IT.

Boom out of the way, hurray I'm fine. Oh shit the archer made it too!

The warlock, OH GOD THE WARLOCK OH GOD THE PALADIN. OH GOD WHY, WHY OH DEAR LORD THE BLOOD IS DRIPPING EVERYWHERE.

The paladin player just stares at me like this was all my fault in real life.

God fucking damn I loved it.

Has it occurred to you that perhaps the GM is the one doing the trolling, and not you?

Either way, it makes for entertaining stories

>>12977305
>>12977221
i have no idea wtf is going on. all i know is someone flew, someone swore at a dwarf.

>>12977330
It had, but I honestly don't care.

I remember there was one session where the DM gave me a belt that gave me all sort of cool powers and shit, and the DM spent the whole session trying to explain to me what one of the buttons did. There was no manual so everytime I pressed it he said it did nothing.

Several minutes later he'd ask "Don't you think you'd want to do this....?"

And I go. "Nah, I'm okay."

In fact, the DM gave me a mace that was shaped in the image of tiamat that shot out all the different chromatic dragon breath spells but the fag paladin decided to break it and crush it into little pieces even though it wasn't evil. I was so pissed because it'd been forever since I'd gotten any cool loot and the dm goes "Don't you.... want one of those pieces of the mace?"

"No, I'm fine. He'll probably cleave me if I even sniff the mace's dust."

"You sure? They're really very shiny

"No I think I'm-

"THE POWER OF THAT BUTTON ON YOUR BELT IS TELEKINESIS, COME ON MAN."

>>12977333
How do I describe it better.

You know those mail chutes at the bank drive up windows? Imagine if it got clogged up because some douche sent up five of those little things you stick your envelopes in, and they keep fucking hitting each other into the ceiling.

>Have you ever made a character specifically to be really annoying towards another player without actually being a dick to anyone?
No, you haven't. There's no clever way of picking on someone without picking on them. If you willingly and knowingly choose to do something you wouldn't otherwise do specifically because it annoys someone, you are, as you would say, "a dick".

>>12977131
>Well, then I'd definitely fight you then, maybe!

Oh god, your dorf is the most pussy awesome character I have ever seen.

>>12977333
Oh, there was the time I got cockslapped by a bugbear. Now I'd like to point out that my DM doesn't do sexual roleplay or anything, but he does like funny shit like this.

So, we're fighting in some dungeon. I can't really recall at the time but a patrol was coming. Bugbears. Not very good. The Paladin and the Archer know I'm not the sneaky type so they basically both manhandle my dwarf and pull my fucking ass into the shadows, while the druid is too slow, the patrol shows up and they circle her and start making the usual evil monsters looking at a woman comments and it's pretty obvious they're going to rape her, or something.

That player is cringing a bit in real life, the paladin is trying to stifle his laughter, and then the DM decides to describe the size of the bugbear shlong and I go, NOOOOO.

Now you must in your head picture a dwarf bullrushing out of shadows, a feeble archer and dragonborn trying to latch onto him, both falling forward as he charges out of the shadows.... And trips, sliding into the bugbears dong in one terrible slow-motion cockslap, leaving a plastering of pre-jizz on my characters face.

The table erupts into laughter, and my dwarf tries to crawl out of the room throwing up and crying dwarf tears, while the rest of the party pulls me by the beard out of the room, the bugbears retreating in disgust as well, all of the bugbears start to vomit on eachother because they just watched their friend get violated by a dwarf.

But hey, I stopped the rape.

Did this for one character- Ragnar Frak. He's the reason I'm not allowed to ever touch explosives in-game, or play gnomes, or take anything alchemy-related.

>>12977452
Oh, this one is a bit tamer by comparison of the last one, but in the dungeon of a Bahamut temple thing overrun by monsters and orks, we ran into a patrol of a fairly important looking guy.

Oh wait. No. For this story to be relevant, you need to know that I was shot with a dart of the purple worm, and had to roll for what got destroyed. It was secret, since it was internal, but everyone started hearing large roars in the distance.

It kept happening, and everyone was wondering what the fuck was going on, and I looked at the DM and we locked eyes for a moment and he nodded. My intestines.

The stench hit everyone from my massive dwarf ass-gas and the paladin with his DRAGON NOSE was pretty much disabled. Nobody knew what was going on, but we pushed forward anyway, my dwarf clenching cheeks very tightly as he walked like a nut cracker doll.

Then we see a group of three orks. One of them looks important. CHARGE!

SUNDER WEAPON. YEAH, FUCK YOUR WEAPON

SUNDER ARMOR, YEAH FUCK YOUR ORC ARMOR YOU BITCH

BULL RUSH, HOLY SHIT HE'S DOWN.

Meanwhile the DM has actually set a little egg timer abou the time I was shot with the purple worm dart. I noted it but disregarded it.

At this point I'm sitting on the Orcs chest and begin to interrogate him. "Take me to your leader!"

"You're sitting on my chest."

"WHAT"

BAM PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE. DM Makes me roll damage and laughs.

Forgot I took a feat that makes my fists LETHAL AS DWARF, FUCK, SHIT. HIS HEAD REVERBERATES BETWEEN MY FIST AND THE STONE FLOOR, CRACKING THE BACK OF THE FLOOR.

The paladin opens his gay dragon maw to start cursing at me when the egg timer goes off, and the DM proceeds to describe the act of me shitting my pants, sitting ontop of the dwarfs chest.

Oh, pardon me. Pants? I was a slayer. I only wore a loin cloth.

Shit all over an orcs chest.

>>12977452

>>12977548
For some reason I find that picture hilarious.

>>12977542
and that is what we in the business call a cleveland steamer.

you'll come to like that.

Hmm? Should I keep going? I hope my stories haven't become boring. There's still several more but they are mostly of the badass parts when my dwarf wasn't being a complete numchuck.

>>12977618
Keep going. The thread is pretty about you now

>>12977618
Totally go on bro. Your dorf is awesome.

>>12977618
Somewhere between the MANLY deeds and the over the top humiliating acts, you have found comedy gold.

Continue

What is your dorf's alignment, by the way? Also, I'll never forgive you or /tg/ for being this awesome this late at night. I HAVE A TEST IN THE MORNING, GOD DAMMIT

>>12976701
Well this one I've told on /tg/ before, but this was where I learned that being a dwarf, sometimes charging everything with your axe is not a good idea.

SUCH AS WITH FIRE MAGES.

Herp derp, down a hallway too, oh hey this is a smart idea until I get hit with 50 flame disks, fire balls, fire missiles, fire ice cream cones, fire chewbaccas, and then you know what? A fire wall.

FUCK THAT SHIT. I know it's not my turn. And I know I have no skill that'd let me do this but I turn to my DM and yell "I'M A DWARF. CUTTING THAT IN HALF." And roll. the table silent.

FUCKING TWENTY, FUCK YEAH HIGH FIVES BRO, HIGH FIVE, WAIT IT SPLIT INTO TWO PARTS?

THE CLERIC AND PALADIN GET HIT?

FUCK 'EM, I'M A DORF.

>>12977659
Chaotic good, mother fucker.

Sure it may not seem it from these stories, but seriously I've saved everyones life in the party at least once.

>>12977618
For the love of God, please go on.

Also, submitting my own content. I think I'm accidentally trolling my current D&D party. Everyone else is playing your standard "in it for the money" mercenary types. I have no idea of this, however, and come into the game playing Kamina as an inslord. Always making manly speeches about heroism and justice. The arrogant wizard who named our group is endlessly frustrated when I call us the Green Brigade. (Character's last name is Green, sounded kinda like gurren) Everyone else loves me, though, so I think I'm just gonna keep trolling the wizard. My next step is going to be multi-ing into bard and being better at it than our actual bard and getting a raven familiar for maximum trolling.

>>12977678
I figured some kind of good actually. Chaotic would make the most sense. Especially after the kind of things your dwarf has had to put up with; Life shitting all over your attempts at heroics.

He may not be a shiny paragon of goodness, but HE'S TRYING DAMMIT!

>>12976701
Now this is another MANLY MANLY one. We're looking at some old church in some barren place, and what's this? Shiny weapons. FUCK YEAH, me and paladin bro it up for a moment and go to grab the weapons. Hey. we can't put them down. AWw shit they must be cursed.

OH NO, THAT'S NOT TRUE EITHER. OF COURSE IT'S AN ILLUSION AND THE PURPLE WORM PROCEEDS TO PULL US DOWN INTO IT'S BURROW AND SWALLOW US.

OF FUCKING COURSE.

Now this being MY character, I'd take anything, and when we killed a giant spider, I took it's fangs. So we're down there and my and the paladins hands are currently wrapped in the purple worms tongue grip, so I squeeze as hard as I can and rip that bitch a chunk and it lets go of me, so I proceed to icepick out with SPIDER FANGS up the bitches throat, meanwhile purple worm acid is disintigrating my characters skin fucking awful. (I never wore any armor better than studded leather pants because I felt it didn't fit him.)

So I get up to the top and see the outside, the party battling the beast through it's tongue as it's emerged from it's burrow.

"Help me Anonymous!" Says the Paladin. I turn around and look at him and his fancy armor being digested and slide back in for lunch.

Bam wham bam, Get his fucking fat ass free of the tongue and hand him my improvised climbing hooks, and he climbs out. Meanwhile I'm trying to climb out with my bare hands, gripping to throat tissues and shit, purple worm acid burning my finger tips to the bone when it begins to descend back into the burrow.

BAM, BRO WARLOCK USES HIS WEIRD TELEPORTING SPELL TO POP IN AND GRAB ME, AND BRING ME BACK TO THE REST OF THE GROUP.

Who is just fucking STANDING THERE looking at my burnt fucking dwarf. And you know what he does. He fucking stars running out of the (Now wrecked) church screaming, writhing in pain.

Could only hold his composure so long.

Dat fukken dwarf, you are my hero, and an inspiration to us all.

Please take this mspainted trollface I saved from /v/ a while back for your efforts

>>12976701
Oh, haha oh fuck. I remember this one now. When you start to tell stories, more stories come back.

You know the Mindflayer place? Well, I need to tell actually a different story first than the one I want to tell.

But first I have to explain the powers my belt gave me.

1. Telekinesis
2. An ink glob that replicated my dwarf and fought for me
3. Force push thing
4. Increase strength by 5

It was like a super-power batbelt. But anywho, we go up a tower in this mindflayer place and holy fucking shit, PEOPLE! It must have attracted adventurers here! So I approach these three men smoking pipes up in the tower, thinking they might just be resting there.

"Are you guys adventurers? We're adventurers to-"

Dwarf decides to put out his hand to shake and OH LORD THEY TURN AROUND THE BACK O THEIR HEADS ARE TENTACLES OH FUCK THEY'RE COMING FOR ME

TUMBLE! I TUMBLE, FUCKING TUMBLE I FUCKING TUMBLE, DM YOU KNOW I TUMBLED BEFORE YOU SAID THAT

DM smiles and laughs, describing how my Dwarf tries to tumble and the spear strapped to his back slaps into the face of one of the creatures, lodging it into it's head, killing it instantly as my weight takes along smashing myself atop the fuckers body.

OH GOD THEYRE COMING FOR MY BRAINS FUCCK UHH H MY BELT GOD WHAT AM I PRESSING I DONT KNOW NOOOOO

Raising his hands in defense, the belts powers activate. Which power?

Force push.

The two other mind flayers out of the tower, window, one of them going straight through the brick, getting impaled on fence below.

The party kind of stared at my character before the Cleric quirped up. "Fucking Dwarf."

Oh my god, My captcha is fucking Dorfman.

>>12977898
This next one took place shortly after that story, In the same session if I recall. We're going through the mindflayer place and come across more people. They're humans. I take the lead, fuck letting the paladin talk. "You're humans? Turn around!"

"....You turn around!."

"We'll turn around if you turn around!"

"If we turn around you'll stab us in the back!"

"The spear is just here for effect, I'm a dwarf! What dwarf uses spears?"

"....No!"

At this point I roll for intimidate and scream "SHOW US YOUR FUCKING NECKS."

Not really thinking of the consequences of saying such a thing, it seems like a good idea at the time. They fucking BOLT man, they take off in the opposite direction and we can see there's nothing in the back of their heads but we give chase, or rather I do for some reason.

They've wedged the door out of this part of the castle, FFFFUCK.

>Get ready to kick the door open

>Door Explodes, sending my dwarf ricocheting down the hallway, colliding with the rest of the party.


Turns out one of them knew fireball. Luckily we didn't see them again.

>>12977898
What did you do to get such an over powering belt?

I guess since you didn't have armor you needed all the help you could get.

>>12977959
I don't remember the specifics of it, but we defeated some monster, and I decided to go stomach diving to see if it swallowed any precious loot. Oh god that reminds me of the time I attacked the Queens guard, and the time I found "The Necklace."

>>12977955

...why can't my DM be this awesome

>>12977972
The queens guard was my first encounter, playing with this group and it was the setting of what was to come with this character. It's short, but I still think it's fucking hilarious.

>Walking down road with party
>Group of people off in the distance
>Fuck you slow ass walking nigs, I run up to meet them before you guys do

"Who the fuck are you guys?"

"We own this road!"

"WHAT?! BRIGANDS!"

At this point I leap out with the battle-axe to smite some highwaymen without further conclusion, cleaving two men with one axe swing, the rest of the party staring as dust fucking starts flying everywhere, and blood as they see a dwarf dancing with two men poking at him with swords.

Paladin and druid get there in time and tell everyone to stop.

PALADIN - "THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!"

DWARF - "THEY SAID THEY OWN THIS ROAD, I WAS SHOWING THE ERROR OF THEIR WAYS!"

GROUP OF MEN - "WE DO OWN THIS ROAD, WE'RE THE QUEENS GUARD."

DWARF - ".....GOOD WORK GENTLEMEN, KEEP THE ROAD SAFE."

>>12976836
Fuck you Blargh. You're a namefag but you're as retarded as a tripfag. Shakespearean english IS modern english.

>>12978017
Oh, The necklace. That was a particularly make the paladin rage accidentally one.

So we're going through a dungeon right? And we come into this place just full of gore. Now being the player I am I like to search everything. Of course there may be something precious in those piles!

What's this, jewelry! Aha, a gold necklace! And look, some sort of amulet! Ahh the blood is nice. Keep the blood. The blood is great!

The paladin gets annoyed that i'm wearing a bloody stinking necklace and tells me to clean it, of course I tell him I'm a dorf and the blood is good, but he's all talking about how it might be cursed and shit and to at least clean it so I can identify it.

Well fine, you fucking identifying lardo.

What? I have to roll to clean it? Well, alright whateve, this gunk seems to be coming off rather eas-

>CLICK

Hmm?

>HSSSSSSSSS

That's when the necklace fucking explodes, blinding me for half the session, as well as sending me flying back into a wall, the fire catching the paladins tabard of his god in flame, causing him to yell at a blind dwarf for half a session.

>>12978055
The hyperactive and disjointed way you tell these stories makes them even better.

I played a good-aligned character once. My entire group raged.

Also, I took the "lucky" edge in a Shadowrun game where I knew we'd be doing our runs in pairs. A car drives through the wall at us? Hits my partner. Mortar round hits near our team? Partner is conveniently between me and it. Security camera IDs us? Nope, my face was conveniently blurry because of a spot on the lens... guess who the cops are going after....

>>12978055
Oh, then there was the time my dwarf stopped the paladin from more or less destroying the world, but that one's boring.

I'd rather tell the one where I faced off with one of those shadow people who actually get off on pain.

Can't remember the dungeon but we go up a tower thing and we open a chest. OH BOY TONS OF BLACK MUCK POURING OUT. OH NO IT'S NOT STOPPING.... LET'S GO UP!

Upstairs is no better unfortunately, as the shadow people dance on the walls, laughing as one peels itself off the wall like wallpaper, forming itself infront of us out of the shadows.

The warlock whispers their name, apparently the party has fought them before (Before I'd joined). And the creature speaks, Dark speech. Everyones eyes and ears start bleeding out of fear, from one of the darkest languages to ever exist. Imagine pure evil in sound format. I bet /x/ would like that.

Now everyone is fucking stunned except my dwarf, who pretty much is oblivious to what this guy is, or that he's even talking in dark speech. Kind of just yknow, staring at him blankly while the party writhes in pain. Like a hero should.

He then switches over to common and says "I'll give you the first strike."

It's at this point I charge forward and impale the bitch on my magical impaling spear(which has the power to impale), lift the fucker up in the air and slam him down to the ground, prone.

Fuck YES. Time to cou de - FUCKING ONE?!

As I stand over the creatures body in the motion of getting up, he places the palms of his hands against my dwarves chest, sending drilling shadow muck into his chest, which proceed to launch my dwarf across the room, caving in his chest and impaling him to a wall like some sort of short, nipple pierced jesus.

It's about this time the rest of the party wakes up and decides to actually try and kill the boss that I almost solo'd.

Your character is just about the least lucky guy I have ever heard of. Maybe the DM likes messing with the new guy?

So I have a very weird group, mainly because most of my players use semi-mary-sues. One of my players is a LG Barbarian with this crazy metal left arm infused held together by negative energy (it involved an earlier adventure concerning a Necromancer, I don't want to go into that right now), and so naturally he was a hand-to-hand fighter. We shall therefore call him Handy

My friend who recently started playing rolls up a CN Rogue with beefed up speech skills. The party had just done an adventure which involved an insane Beholder luring adventurers to its layer (a small, old, partially ruined castle) by sending out this horde of goblins it enslaved to raid random villages and generally fuck shit up. The beholder had cast sleep spells on all of them when they got there, stole all their stuff, and stuck them all in random locations around the castle.

There were more specifics to it that I won't go into, but it was generally just pretty exhausting and confusing for them, not to mention very difficult. The party agrees to head to the nearest village and stop off in an inn and just roleplay around for a bit and maybe do a sidequest or two. One the bottom floor of the inn is basically a tavern, where another pair of adventurers happen to have stopped off.

Cont.

>>12978135

I was unlucky? What're you talking about willis.

>>12978143
Oh, I liked this one a lot, personally as a heroic one.

So dungeon right? Traps right? Secret compartments? Yes? Curious Druid? Oh no.

The druid is searching the walls for secret compartments, and finds one in the wall, what's this, a latch in the back? Hey well let's pull that switch there!

OH GOD FLESH EATING FAIRIES EN MASS, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE ROOM, RUN HOLY SHIT GET TO THE DOOR

EVERYONES AT THE DOOR, WHERE THE FUCKS THE DRUID HOLY SHIT, SHES BEING CARRIED AWAY AND EATEN, PALADIN FUCKING DO YOUR JOB

"I'm not dying for her stupidity."

WHAT THE FUCK, AM I THE PALADIN NOW? I JUMP AFTER THAT BITCH TO GRAB HER HAND AND......


MAKE IT, HOLY SHIT I FUCKING MADE IT, TOSS THAT BITCH OUT THE ROOM AND DORF THE FUCK OUT OF THE STORM OF FAIRIES GETTING TANGLED IN MY BEARD.

Felt good man.

I made a cleric of shehanine, goddess of the moon, love and trickery. She multiclassed into bard, took bluff and trolled people in the name of her goddess. Also played her like a sailor scout. Going to play her in an upcoming game with a bunch of players whom can't fucking play nice with anyone lawful or good so I figured I'd fuck with them at their level.

>>12978137
One of them was a Drow Ranger who spent most of the time sleeping in the corner with some ale spilled all over himself, and the other was a Dragonborn Fighter who was sitting next to the Barb. The Dragonborn spent his time mainly just clumsily hitting on the bar wench, while the Rogue and Wizard screwed with the sleeping Ranger. Now, Handy is quite a stick in the mud, and gets easily offended by things such as womanizing. The bar wench is obviously annoyed by the Dragonborn, so Handy tells him to stop. They proceed to get into an argument, and soon enough fists start flying.

I had already drawn up character sheets for these guys (I was going to use them as potential recruits for the PCs to have help out), and, well, the Dragonborn had a fuck-ton of strength, to say the least. He proved quite a match for Handy and really drew out the fight. All the noise from them fighting ended up waking the Ranger, who notices that he's been drawn on, had his eyebrows shaved, and has had makeup applied. The wizard and Rogue are the only other people in there, and he immediately deduces it was one them. The Rogue handily makes a speech check and pins all the blame on the Wizard. Cue wizard getting face smashed into table repeatedly by close-combat Ranger. The Ranger then goes to help out with Handy, who has the shit beaten out of him while the Rogue sneaks out.

Cont.

>>12978170
Oh, dohohoho there was also the one where we were getting pestered by invisible things. I had no idea what hte fuck was going on until the Warlock did some magic shit and we saw little demons crawling around our heads and poking in our stuff.

Paladin smites the one going through his shit, but my dwarf grabs his and holds him close. "DON'T KILL HIM. He's cute. In a demon way. Y'know like when a really ugly dog is cute? That's this guy for me."

The paladin begins screaming at me and I say, fffuck you buddy he's my FRIEND. Unlike YOU, YOU BIG DRAGON BUZZKILL. So we continue on, everyone watching the little demon item eater thing perched on my shoulder. And he's talking about how I should attack the paladin.

"You're friends with THAT guy? He killed my friends, what, you let people kill friends of friends and get away with it?"

"Yeah, he's kind of a dick but he's not that bad little guy, he knows lay on hands."

"What's that?"

"Paladin Molestation."

We have a chuckle and then we go to fight, Oh shit a fucking giant ogre with a giant club, it's nothing I raise my axe to block that shit.

WAIT IT PASSED THROUGH, OH GOD MY HEAD, UHHH FUCK I TUMBLE UNDER AND OH GOD HE KNEES ME IN THE FACE.

FFFUCK TRY TO PUT THIS THING DOWN BUT I CAN'T.

FFFFFUCKING DEMOONS

So battle goes by horribly for me, but at the end I get healed up and grab the demon with my hands.

"YOU BETRAYED ME, I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOOOOOOOOOOOD."

The little demons head popped.

"OH GOD. NO. I LOVED YOU. I KILLED MY FRIEND. NOOOOOO."

Cue dramatic camera view. If it was outside, it'd start raining.

>>12978194
I always think the comments are going to be bigger than they are.

Naturally, once Handy and the Wizard regain consciousness, they are very pissed at the Rogue. Sensing the incoming beating, he flees into town, and the other two give chase, the Wizard flinging spells after him the entire time. The eventually corner him in the upstairs of the inn, and Handy punches straight for his face... and rolls a 1 to hit.

The Rogue had figured out where that other party was staying and fled there, so when Handy critically missed, he ended up punching a hole through the wall and hitting the Drow right in the face. The Drow, who is very vain, is rather ticked about the mess his face has become. Long-story short, the Drow brings his very angry bear companion into the fight, and my players had to flee town (and then some more for several days, as the Ranger was tracking them relentlessly). They all loved it.

>>12978214
I'm not sure whether I should be reading the dorf's final line in this with over the top cheese, or hilarious deadpan monotone.

>>12978214
Oh, in case it wasn't obvious, the Demon had cursed my axe so it was fucking worthless. In retrospect it reminds me of this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCyaXh-VZco

Hmm? Have I run out of stories. No I think there are a few left I can tell before I hit the hay.

>>12978214
>"OH GOD. NO. I LOVED YOU. I KILLED MY FRIEND. I WAS GONNA FILL YOUR DARK SOUL WITH LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!"
fixed

>>12978252
Oh! Yeah, when I stopped the Paladin from causing a world that would put the world in jeopardy, practically saving it myself. The setting was tense, the Paladin had been pissing me off the whole game, and we come across a hidden alcove. What's this? A stick intricately carved? OH BUT THE PALADIN THINKS LET'S DESTROY THIS.

NO, FUCK YOU I TUMBLE AND GRAB THAT SHIT AWAY FROM YOU, ASSHOLE.

BOOM BEAT HIS ROLL BY FUCKING ONE.

The DM pulls me into the other room and tells me what I just saved was. You know that Avatar of Tiamat? Apparently this was it's binding rod. The only thing keeping it bound to the dungeon. If it were to be destroyed, the Avatar would be able to leave the dungeon and go start an interglobal dragon war and shit would be fucked.

I walked back into the room and thought about rubbing it in his face. It crossed my mind.

But no. No I kept it hidden. Even when the hordes of monsters came for me specifically, sensing the binding rod, I knew I had to keep it myself, and it in fact played a part in my dwarves death.

>>12978252
Oh, then there's the one where I trained an evil cabal how to fight like my dwarf. I stumbled across some strange sentient book that spoke to me, and took me to some strange place, two warriors standing in front of me.

>"Holy cow, You're that DWARF we've been >hearing so much about! Your style is >unmatched, please train us, we'll pay you!"

"Well I don't really /need/ gold or anything."

>"We'll make statues of you everywhere!"

"Nah, Statues are for Humans."

>"A school of training?"

"Elves."

>"Ale?"

"What are you getting at?"

>"Well don't DW-"

"You Racist now? Well I don't like teaching people who promote stereotypes!"

>"We're Sorry."

"Okay I'll teach you. I don't know how to get out of here anyway."

So I teach these two warriors how to fight, and before I depart, and the sentient book decides to bring me back to reality, or rather just bring me back to where I was before I ask who they are.

"Oh we're from the Cabal!"

"...The Cabal that has been using Godflesh to make dark rituals?"

"Oh you've heard of us?"


".......N-Nope."

I was then teleported back.

Is it wrong that I imagine the Dorf guy being voiced by John DiMaggio?

I'm contemplating writing this characters death, or going to bed atm, a bit tired.

This thread needs archieving, if only for the most awesomely played dorf I've seen in a long, long time.

My group was at a con and we decided to roll up D&D because it was a slow day. A good friend of mine was DM and I knew all the players. But it was a con and we announced the round for other players as well.

So this neckbeard comes over. Clearly not the most social of creatures he seemed nice enough, maybe a little shy. We decided on Faerun lvl 3-4 and designed our PCs accordingly, except for our guest who had this paladin from another campaign he wanted to play. He was lvl 6 but the DM said okay because it was a filler game and we just didn't care. But then he started explaining all the brilliant min maxing he had done to his munchkin and preemptively digging for houserules, on which the DM just commented with 'whatever helps the plot along'.

I was a bit late and just started my PC. The guy was giving me a really bad vibe so, in good fun, I decided to poke the bear. I rolled meh attributes, but wanted to make another paladin. So I made an ordinary fighter who believed himself to be a champion of Tyr. The DM, experienced mindfucker that he is, went right along with it and started to refer to me as the other paladin.

We set off on some unspectacular quest and had a good game, but as expected our guest player started overdoing his paladin from the get go. Adhering to the ancient mantra that the paladin is the natural party leader he questioned every decision, dragged along in constant monologues about shallow religious pretense, and whenever he could he got us into trouble. I on the other hand was happy to go along with his attempts at derailment. I waited for him to make his stand and then took an even more noble, brave, and self-sacrificing one every time, all the while playing a totally over the top paladin and even accusing him of heresy. The other players knew me and understood my sarcasm, some even joined in on occasion. But our guest only took it as a cue to overdo his PC even more.

>>12978377

Requested

>>12978385

This went on for a few hours and we had a few chuckles. But then we came to this evil village with scared peasants and a brutal militia that was clearly more than we could handle head on. This didn't phase our paladin one bit and he proceeded to look for trouble every step of the way. When he finally faced the toughs who were absolutely about to kill him he went off into a grand monologue again, trying to stand on our shoulders to make himself look big. The thief immediately passed the DM a note that he sneaks away. The priest proclaimed it would be wiser to live to fight another day and excused himself. The mage just nodded to the DM. Everyone backed out. It was just my 'paladin' and his paladin facing maybe 4 times our hit points.

When he had finished his speech and the militia was on the verge of stomping us out I started into a monologue of my own. I explained the heroic duty of compromise and the value of understanding and tolerating other beliefs, be they good, neutral, or even evil, for the welfare of everyone involved (I ducked out with a flourish). I thanked the militia for their good work keeping the peace, bid them farewell and turned to go.

>>12978407

At this point our guest completely broke character and went into a player-speech about the restrictions laid upon a paladin and the dire consequences of falling from grace. Everyone told him to give it a rest and just have his character run. The DM promised him no penalties for evading a clearly superior foe for now. But he couldn't let it go. He argued for half an hour and then started to pack his things. I showed him my sheet and explained that I was no actual paladin, but he was inconsolable. He wanted to storm off and did so in spite of all our attempts to be nice again.

This is not how I like to resolve social friction in games. But it was just a filler round at a con, the guy was the oldest player in the group, and his demeanor was so blatantly fulfilling D&D prejudices that there was just no other way to handle it once my fake paladin was on the way. Everyone thought it was really funny, and no one was trying to be mean. In the end his character's pride and his player-pride had become mixed up and he couldn't let it go.

Con games. Great fun.

>>12976701
Okay, with the death of this character I'll write down his name as well since he deserves that much. His name Was Ulfgarr.

Oh and have some art the Warlock did of my character for free. It's... Kind of bad, but I wouldn't dare tell the person who drew it that. And in fact I kind of like it. It has it's own charm.

>>12978441
more like most awesome dwarf drawing ever

>>12978499

Most awesome drawing of most awesome dwarf ever?

>>12978441
THAT BELT HAS NO BUTTANS

WERE BUTAN

Oh and here's a little MSpaint Shitscribble I did of him just for concept when I started playing.

Hmm? His death. Well, I was moving away, but we were meeting a precipice of the campaign. Something was going to go down regardless of how. And I told the group that I was moving away. I decided that I'd go out like a true dwarf, but I didn't really know what the GM was going to throw at us. In fact, it was a blood frenzy.

You know that Binding rod I'd stopped the paladin from destroying? It had some dark magic on it, leading to the person who it was bound to. In this case, it was the Avatar of Tiamat. But this time, it wasn't playing around jokingly as it did last time. We were in it's lair still, and with the rod it directed us to a large room, the avatar standing at the far end as it's heads began blowing all kinds of breaths into the air, engulfing the room in a colorful mist of flame, frost, poison gases, and whatever the fuck else it had. It asked for the Rod, trying to be as reasonable as a giant dragon could be. But I was a dwarf. I said no. And the party didn't know what it was talking about anyway. I had kept it a secret at this point.

Ulfgarr drew his spear, the party thought he was crazy.

"The double doors behind us? Leave. Bar them."

Ulfgarr prayed silently to his god under his breath who had cast him out so long ago, gripping his spear tightly, he knew that nothing would save his mortal form from this thrashing, but perhaps his soul may be redeemed in the eyes of his creator and be returned to the stone.

Ulfgarr ain't fucking around and tells them to run as he luckily rolls out of the way of a Swipe from the dragon, stabbing his tiny spear into it's paw, impaling it through the foot, ripping his spear away he was now weaponless. Most of the party knows that an avatar of a god is impossible to beat, but there's only one person standing next to me, a brother in arms.

The Fucking Paladin.

>>12978546
NO FUCKING WAY
BROS 4 LIFE

>>12978581
Looks like "4 life" isn't gonna be much longer though.

>>12978546

FUCK YEAH THE FUCKING PALADIN

What a bro!

Bracing for the rest.

I hope there was a reference to you telling the avatar you'd fight it if it hurt your friend. Would have been an awesome call back I think.

He ducks a swipe himself and digs his blade into the beast for miniscule damage, before Ulfgarr huddles behind him as the Avatar sends a pillar of the fucking elements towards him, his armor and shield taking most of the hits I know that he can't take it for much longer.

Next round.Ulfgarr knows the paladin won't run from this, being a paladin of bahamut. Ulfgarr grabs his tail and using all his strength begins to spin, beginning to hammer throw the paladin, throwing him out of the room and tossing the rod after him as the doors slam shut.

The door closes as the Avatar of Tiamat reels its head back about to let loose another pillar of elemental breath.

Ulfgarr turns around to face it, screaming at the top of his lungs a battle cry, jumping towards the breath, when the floor begins to rumble, and a stone fist emerges from the ground, Blocking the breath attack and lodging itself in all of the avatars fucking faces. My God had arrived for support.

The fist stayed there as the avatar tumbled to it's side, My dwarf does the only thing he can think of, drawing his backup weapon. His shield. Yeah, you may think that my character never wore armor, but he did pick up a shield at some point that he used to keep the arrows from poking his back.

Running off the top of the fist, he jumps with his shield firmly in both hands, landing on the back of the Avatar, Whipping the shield into the Mouth of one of the heads mid-air, before grappling on to the back of the neck.

Of course, a god can only interfere so much as the floor beneath begins to crumble the Avatar takes flight, smashing through the roof of the room, and the rooms above. Hanging on for dear life Ulfgarr digs his fingers into the beasts neck, and as a result, peels off one of it's armorlike scales.

lololol sweet ass trolling bro 10/10 u pwned those noobs

And yet, if it happened to you, you'd be furiously trying to do something even worse.

>captcha: butrag Stewart,
Don't talk about Stewart like that.

F5 SO HARD

>>12978626

>>12978626
They breach the last floor of the underground of the dungeon, everyone at the table is on the fucking edge of their seats, but they can't rest either, The Dungeon has begun to collapse from such a blow from the Avatar taking out much of the buildings support.

Everyone is running to get the fuck out, dodging debris and random monsters that may be in there as well, when Ulfgarr gets an epiphany.

The scale being peeled off leaves an opening , and he punches his fucking hand into the beasts weak spot, digging his hand in, grabbing for whatever he could find. But it gets a bit gory here.

He grabs an Artery, and pulls the fucking vein out, and wraps it around his hands as it seems to show no sign of snapping soon, instead pulling on it to direct the fucking avatars flight pattern, due to the pain. It does all fucking sorts of flight maneuvers to try and get him off, but I put points into handle animal and ride for a fucking reason.

There's no way this will end well. And he knows it's only a matter of time, pulls the artery, yanking it's head back and causing it to fly straight up towards the sun, before pulling it in the complete opposite direction. Straight down.

The ground approaches fast as Ulfgarr holds tight, bracing himself for impact, as well as making sure the Avatar won't pull up.

"HEY TIAMAT?"

The wind the sound of a hurricane at this point, unsure if he can hear him or not, he continues.

"I HAD A MACE THAT LOOKED JUST LIKE YOU.

IT BROKE."

And with those less than epic last words, the collision rocks the underground dungeon, and the body of the Avatar, as well as the the body of my dwarf.

>>12978743

Underground the binding rod fucking breaks because the paladin is a butterfingers. Reaching the surface, the destruction is terrible, carnage, blood, organs everywhere. But something is strange. Where is the body of Ulfgarr? Where is the Avatar?

Upon further search they uncover a pile of rubble, They find Ulfgarrs body covered by two stone hands, protecting his corpse. Peeling it back everyone is emotional at this point, and the paladin leans over, touching Ulfgarrs shoulder in silence, before giving him his own ceremony to acknowledge a new Paladin. As they begin to pick up his body, it slowly crystalizes into a diamond, one last earthly gift from his God.

Something crystalizes as well in his hands.

The Artery and Scale of Tiamat.

And that's the end of the Saga of Ulfgarr. After that session I moved away shortly after, so it was good end for everyone. I wouldn't want to try and replace him anyway.

I've been having a hard time finding a playing group after that though, unfortunately.

>>12978743

Hahaha, I think everyone went to bed after immediately reading my last post. It is fairly late though.

Is it archived? I read someone mentioning that.

>>12978813
yep mate
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/12976701/

>>12978743
>I HAD A MACE THAT LOOKED JUST LIKE YOU
>IT BROKE

So. Fucking. Badass.
I am glad I stayed up for this shit, but now I gotta go to sleep. 2 hours until I need to get up. Bravo Ulfgarr, I'll make a fighter dwarf sometime in his memory.

(First I'll go on the sup /tg/ archieve and up vote this thread, of course.)

>>12978813

If not in the 4chan archives, then definitely the sup tg archives.

I made a cleptomanic halfing in WH 2E.

>>12978813
http://archive.easymodo.net/cgi-board.pl/tg/thread/12976701

>>12976701
Well I'm glad you all enjoyed the stories! I'm sure glad everyone liked my story. I like to think I usually make cool/interesting characters. Hey, maybe if I get a gaming group, you'll get more stories of some of my characters!

>>12978856
A kender you say?

>>12976701
>>12978828
It's the only thing I could think of at the time, It seemed kind of corny, but I wanted my fucking one-liner ending.

My DM let me run a Pikachu to piss off a guy in our group who was being a huge fucker. Basically I was a Shocker Lizard, refluffed as a Pikachu, with levels in Monk.

Good times.

>>12978883
And you got it. It was perfect, fitting the situation, and more importantly, the character. That guy was chaotic good done right. It seems just like the kind of thing that would occur to him, in the calm that comes to you when facing certain death. I can imagine him laughing a bit to himself, and relaying the story to tiamat as they both plummet to the ground, in much the same way you told us these stories tonight.

Good night Anon, and sweet dreams.

>>12978777
>so it was good end for everyone
Except for the loser(s) you were trolling, I assume?

>>12978928
The funny thing is that I was never /actively/ trolling when I upset someone. And it was mostly the paladin who got butthurt. But w/e party dynamics I guess. I just wish he'd have yelled less.

>>12978912
>Shocker Lizard, refluffed as a Pikachu, with levels in Monk

story. now.

>>12978743
Less than epic!? It's the most brilliant idea for last words I've heard!
>His face when "IT BROKE"
Also,
ALL OF MY MANLY TEARS.
Your dwarf is awesome, Dorfman.

>>12978939
>BUTTHURRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Is this one of those "it doesn't count if I find an alternative motive" things?

>>12978883
It was a good one-liner! Nay, a GREAT one-liner!

It's... it's as dorfy as I can imagine.

I played an italian priest once who treated the irishman in the group like a servant. pissed him off to no end.
in my first campaign I was bothering the same players character by constantly reminding him how I tricked him into killing children (tho' I never said it like that, more like "hey, this will be easy...like killing children.") to be fair, I was NE in that game and the kids spotted us during a break in

Some buds and I had a Rifts campaign going, and we'd get drunk on thursday nights and RP our hearts out. I was a failure of a mercenary named Pronsias McMillan, with a robot arm that had a plasma cannon in it (like Trigun, kinda).

I remember we had this one urban warfare campaign going, and I was going house to house clearing shit out, and securing a sector of this little town we were trying to take over. Anyhow, my DM sent a pack of militia soldiers after me, and they treed me in a toy store of all places.

For some reason, this toy store was full of Yoshi dolls.

Being the shitty merc that I was, I immediately crammed plasma grenades into the dolls, and started throwing them everywhere. At first, I'd just throw the dolls without the grenades, just to get the WTF factor going. But then, they started to explode, and evaporating motherfuckers. It ended up with me hiding in a refrigerator after they rolled a tank into town, and I had to call my buds in to get me out of that scrape.

Good times. I miss my Rifts group...

>>12978137

Wait WAIT.
I thought barbarians couldn't BE Lawful?

About four months ago I was in a Star Wars game. (West End in the house!) Deciding to play a droid for the heck of it, I came up with LolBot, a droid who's first action upon being activated at the factory was to download the ENTIRE internet into his data processors.
Instant insanity.
I spent the next couple of sessions preaching the word of Ceiling Cat and passing out copies of the Lolcat bible. I was making a pretty good job of being humorously obnoxious just doing that, when a couple of the players decided to buy a herd of little repair droids (the same type seen in Watto's shop in Episode One).
Well, it seemed only fair to me that these poor droids, limited though they were, should go through life without hearing the word of Ceiling Cat, so I caught one and linked to it, downloading the Lolcat bible into it.
That type of droid is already nuts, plus they have a kind of hive mind, meaning that the instant the one droid got the bible they ALL got it. Destructive hilarity ensued.
Lolbot was killed the very next session when I wasn't there.

Now we're doing Pathfinder, and I'm playing a dire gnome (read slightly nuts dwarf who was raised by gnomes). He looks like a squat Colonel Sanders with lavender hair and acts (and sounds) like Foghorn Leghorn.
I'm expecting him to last three to four sessions max.

In 4E I rolled a paladin specifically to fuck with the brooding avenger. Everything the avenger did, the paladin one-upped him, but the paladin would always say something like, 'No, you did well. You did very well. Really. Even those whose devotion is not as strong as a champion can still make a difference.'

Basically giving him shit all the time for being an avenger instead of a paladin. Like he's a little brother. Even though the avenger was a 150-year-old eladrin and the paladin was a human.

Everyone enjoyed it, including the avenger. The best part was that it seemed fated to happen by the dice rolls. I can't tell you how many times he rolled a 12 and missed, then I rolled a 13 and hit. 'Amaunator smiles upon me this day!' Pumping his fist in the air, accidentally knocking the avenger away.

>>12976701
I'm accidentally playing a lawful good character in a party with:

Chaotic neutral
Lawful evil
Neutral Evil

They hate me in order from least to most.

I LOVE YOU DORFMAN

>>12985352
thx bro, it'd be nice to get a drawfag to draw ulfgarr being dorf.

I'm sure it'd make a good collection of short comics.

I'm currently playing a Birthright game (where everyone rules over a province as a noble, and you have blood powers connected to your country) where I'm the ruler of Ilien, a neutral country.

And by neutral, I mean it has treaties with nearly EVERYONE saying I won't get involved in wars. I have my hands in virtually all of the trade, though, and I attend everyone's parties and go on all the adventures (used to be a gypsy, so my character really enjoys it).

Recently, though, a big war broke out. Cue other players, allied to each other, coming crying to me asking "Oh, great sorcerer of Ilien, use your navy/magic/money and help us fight this war!"

>mfw neutrality

>>12978767
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V84STSWVp3g&feature=related
I heard this in my head as I read this.