>>10518740
They did they're job.

I recognized the puns, and were I an enemy, I would try to kill you now.

So you shout jokes in battle? I approve.

>>10518800
Like Spider-Man!

I got one for OP:

How does a Lich bear his wife's cooking?
He uses his phylactery!

>>10518740

Many people say Halflings are upstanding individuals. I can't tell personally.

Mostly, it's for the perform skill.
But hell, I wouldn't be partial to shouting some of them in combat and confusing/taunting the enemy.

I got some more, for bumping reasons.

A human father has three little half-elven girls, and one of them comes up to him one day and asks, "Daddy, why am I named Rose?" to which the father replies, "Honey, when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your forehead, so we named you Rose."
The second daughter comes up to him afterward and asks, "Daddy, why am I named Lily?" to which he replies, "Sweetie, when you were a baby, a lily petal fell on your forehead, so we named you Lily."
The third daughter comes up to him and says, "Gajfnkasjtgongodg" and the father replies, "Shut up, HillGiantRock!"

>>10518882
i lol'd

This is one I hope to actually do in character, rather than tell.

A gnomish bard has an audience with the High Priest of the temple to Gruumsh and, not quite knowing what to say tries to break the ice with a joke.
"Have you heard the one about the two Half-Orc clerics?"
The High Priest replies, "I am a Half-Orc."
The gnome pauses for a moment then says, "That's OK, I'll tell it to you slowly."
--
more jokes for the joke god

A Halfling, a Gnome and a Dwarf walk into a bar. They each order a ale. Just as they are about to enjoy their drinks, three flies drop into them. The Halfling pushes the drink away in disgust. The gnome pulled out the fly and finishs as if nothing happened. The Dwarf picks up the fly and shakes it over the drink, yelling "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
--
What's worse than a barbarian who is a master of intimidation? One who just ate garlic.
--

OP, when your character beats a dragon say "Looks like the dragon" *put on your shades* "just got burned. . " YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Or when commenting on failed dragon politics say "Looks like his methods," *Glasses again* "were too draconian. . ."
YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

How many elves does it take to light a torch?

5, one do do so, and 4 to sing a sad song about the tree you killed for it.

How many dwarves does it take to light a torch? (2 answers)
3, one to inspect the torch and get an estimate, one to apply flame, and a third to collect their wages.
or
None, they can see in the dark.

How many half-elves does it take to light a torch?
Well, I would, but I'm so tired, could you do it for me?

How many halflings does it take to light a torch?
I can't reach!

Look, I'm not saying that the knight is a bit dense..
But everyone has been calling him pala'dim'.

more

Did you hear about the bard-barbarian who can't stop berserking?
Turn's out all the world's a RAGE.

Did you hear the one about the clever orc?
Neither did I.

Q: What has 4 legs and an arm?
A: A happy hellhound.

How many Drow does it take to light a torch?

None. If it's dark you cant see which one stabbed you.

How many rogues does it take to light a torch?

None. If it's dark you can't notice when he steals all your equipment.

"This is for all da diggers in da hood! Dwarf powah!"

so I met this fantastic elf, alright, he wields two scimitars, and just rips through the enemy with them. Not only that, he's a gambler, and really lucky. We've made so much money, he walked up and slapped a barmaid, and just paid off the owner!

Yessir, he slices, he dices, he even makes Julie-Ann cry!

>>10519188
How many kobolds does it take to light a torch?
Don't bother, they're a very poor fuel.

>>10519205
>>10519191
Oh come on, I need in-character ones.

>>10519111
I'd lack sunglasses, but fuck yes i'd do them if it happens.

i lol'd >>10519205

How many orcs does it take to light a torch.
None, They're sensitive about it.

How many hobgoblins does it take to light a torch?
1. He kicks the goblin, who does it for him.

How many dragons does it take to light a torch?
one, if he's red.

So you want to play a pun slinger?

>>10519271
that hurt me and made me spit at the same time.

>>10519271
Yep.
Bring me your best in-character jokes.

Also:
Why dont undead bards write music?
They can only de-compose.

Why do dragonborn women have boobs?

So you have something to play with while you fuck them.

A ranger takes his wolf to see a local druid and asks him to take a look at the beastie, as he thinks it is getting ill.

The druid gives the animal a quick once-over, then picks it up to examine its eyes and teeth more closely.

After a moment goes by, the druid says "I think I'm going to need to put him down."

The ranger is distraught; "Oh god no, what's wrong with him?"

"He's heavy."

What do you call a barbarian with three heads?

Doing his job properly.

Q: What do you call a druid whose father was a hyena?

A: A grassy Gnoll

>>10518834

A half-Orc walks into a bar, the bar tender says "We don't serve your kind here!"
The half orc responds "Thats good, I just wanted the mutton."

So the Fighter's bit by a lycanthrope and he says "Cool, I've always wanted to be a wolf," and the Wizard says, "Why? So you get cool powers?" and the Fighter says, "No, I've just always wanted to fuck other wolves."

What do you call an orc with two heads?

Twice as stupid!

Q: What's nine feet long, has six legs, and flies?
A: Three dead halflings!

>>10519414
so the elf druid*
you have to both imply that the person in the joke is a faggot AND confirm it with your punchline otherwise you just look like a creep

Hm. I'm gonna assume you're a gnome, like gimble, so, when you find a nice lady that's your size, try this.
"My dear, you certainly are short. Do you have any gnome in you? No? Would you like some gnome in you?"

>>10519119
How many professional adventurers does it take to light a torch?
10. 1 to light it, 9 to stand around and say they could've done it.

>>10519447

I was thinking about it.

Droods get weird animal-powers anyways, I figure they could set aside a day for wildshaping and wolf-fucking.

"This guy had his entire left side cut off with saw!"
"It looks like *puts on sunglasses* he's all right now"
YEEEAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!

A gnoll, a thri-kreen, and a carrion crawler walk into a bar.

Bartender angrily shouts "I refuse to serve such repulsive creatures in here!"

Carrion crawler responds, "That's just fine, we were in the mood for some elf anyway."

You must be a half-orc, but I'd hate to think what the other half could be.

>>10519517

Human.

Always Human.

Even if no humans were involved in the breeding.

"I once met a party of adventurers. There was a fighter named Alinys Glorygem, but she went by Ali, a bard named Kevgeon Dryadson who went by Kev, and a rogue who went by Vic."

"What was Vic short for?"

"He was a gnome."

"Do you know what this is? (Character places hands on top of someone's head and wiggles fingers.) It's an intellect devourer dying of hunger."

>>10519051
>a ale

Oh you!

That's the last time i go shopping for magic items without my goggles. Accidentally ended up buying a wand of polydorf

An erinyes walks into a bar in Sigil. The bartender notices her and says "Hey, a fallen angel! You know, we got a drink named after you here!"

To which the erinyes responds, "You have a drink named Helen?"

Ask the DM if you can buy a Wand of Ba-Dum-Tsss.

Like a Ghost Sound wand or magic drumset.

Did you hear about the Wizard that got arrested for drunk driving?

He got his license evoked!

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to this beautiful amazon warrior, and tells her "I bet you 5gp I can touch your breast without touching your Chainmail Bikini." Intrigued, she accepts. He grabs her breast, says "I lose" and gives her 5gp.

>>10519588
I chose gnoll for a reason, my friend.

I once slew a dragon, but after getting it appraised, his horde seemed like it was a little short. Took a while, but eventually I found a man and a women that he had been keeping prisoner.

They were an item.

>>10519620

So he's a laughing hyena?

Oh you.

>>10519525

Well, excuuuuuse me!!!!

>>10519377

HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA

>this thread

Somebody archive this shit.

>>10519620
>>10519643

Whilst i like the pun, I'm actually a gnome, like >>10519475 deduced.

MORE JOKES
The town guards are looking for a halfling fortune-teller who escaped from prison. The poster says that there's a small medium at large.

Two Orcs were eating a Court Jester. Said one to the other: "does this taste funny to you?"

I'm dyin here.

A wizard, a ranger, and a fighter stand in front of a huge stone door that blocks their progression into the dungeon. After looking for some sort of triggering mechanism for hours, they're all dead tired and the wizard and ranger agree to work on a magical solution together while the fighter gets some sleep.

The fighter is suddenly awoken by sounds of screaming. He tears his weapon out of its sheath and sprints towards his friends, ready for battle. When he gets there, all he sees is the ranger on the ground, gripping his crotch and screaming. The wizard stands over him shouting "I meant ROCK! Transmute ROCK into mud!"

When the Orcs ate a Paladin they got a taste of religion.
--
A handsome Sorcerer walks into a small town bar with his familiar, an aligator. He flops the aligator onto the bar and declares that he has a challenge for the towns bravest souls! The rogues and fighers begin to twich nervously in thier chairs.

He says: If anyone in this bar has the fortiture to do this, I will give him my bag of holding with all the treasure contained therein.

With that he smacks the aligator on the head with the butt of his shortspear sharply and the aligators mouth opens wide. To the suprise of the audience, he then drops his adventuring trousers, and places his delicates INSIDE the aligators mouth! He cracks the aligators head with the spear again and the jaws close slowly...and after a very pregnant pause, he gives his poor familiar another whack with the shortspear and takes his equipment out of the aligators mouth, pausing momentarily to display his unharmed package!

He stares around the room imperiously, looking for takers. Yet down to the burliest barbarian, the barroom falls silent. "What?! No one here brave enough?" inquires the the cajoling sorcerer...

Just then, a slight elven maiden in the back of the bar tentatively rises. "I might be willing to try, Master...but could you not hit me on the head so hard with the shortspear?"

>>10519603
Dohoho.

Got to try this sometime.

How many Rust Monsters(Or any insectoid) does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Nobody knows; they run away once it's turned on!

Did you hear the one about the halfling psion who just broke out of jail? Theres a small medium at large!

>>10519731
I laughed.

Q: What is the difference between a ghoulish minstrel and an anchor?
A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.

>>10519724
I... don't get it. Is it about stones (balls) to mud? Because it's not exactly funny.

R/Cock to mud, my dear Anon.

A Half-Orc is walking down the street, carrying a bag of holding. He runs into one of his friends who asks, "Hey, what do you have in that bag?" The Half-Orc tells his friend that he has some magic potions in the bag. His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many potions you have in that bag, you'll have to give me one."

The Half-Orc says, "I'll tell you what. If you can tell me how many potions I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."

OH THOSE HALF-ORCS

>>10519803

cock to mud, because they were tired. but why the wizard had that spell i don't know.

There's probably a name for half-snake people, but I dunno what it is.

What did the snakeman get when he was stabbed in the mouth with silverware?

A forked tongue!

>>10519803
What does rock rhyme with?

And nobody said these were supposed to be good jokes.

A human, and Elf, and a Dwarf are captured by a tribe of cannibalistic barbarians. They bring the human out in front of the tribe, and the chief says to him, "We are going to kill you, we're going to eat you, and we're going to use your skin for our canoes. Do you have a last request?"

The human replies, "Can I have my dagger?" They give him his dagger and he cuts his own throat.

They bring out the elf and say the same thing, "We are going to kill you, we're going to eat you, and we're going to use your skin for our canoes. Do you have a last request?"

The elf says, "Can I please have my dagger?" So they bring him his dagger and he, too, cuts his own throat.

They bring out the dwarf and say the same thing. "We are going to kill you, we're going to eat you, and we're going to use your skin for our canoes. Do you have a last request?"

The dwarf says, "Yes, can you bring me a fork?" Confused, the barbarians bring him a fork, which he immediately grabs and begins to stab himself repeatedly all over his torso, muttering, "To Heck with your canoes!"

>>10519803
"cock" to mud rhymes

How many Elves does it take to replace a candle?

Three. One to hold the candle, one to focus a lens, and one to have the sun shine out of his ass.

What is a kuo toa's favorite drink? Sahua-gin!

>>10519861
tears are streaming down my face now... so much win

A cleric and a half-orc barbarian were stuck in a dungeon and the cleric says "Damn it all! A dead end." and the barbarian replies with "Can't you ressurect it?"

This thread: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q3hePzHDCxg

I was in the local troll butcher's shop the other day. Looking at a few choice selections, I asked him about a price discrepancy on various sentient brains. Apparently, human brains were 20 gp a pound, elf brains 15 gp per pound, and orc brains 300 gp per pound.

So, I told the troll butcher, "If human brains were 20 gp a pound and elf brains are 15 gp per pound then why are orc brains 300 gp per pound!?"

The troll laughs. "You know how many orcs I have to go through just to get a pound of brains!?"

What do you do if you see a halfling drowning?
...Gently lift him out of the puddle.
***
A human woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a gnome. Tears in her eyes, she wails "You promised me your philandering days were behind you!" Glancing back over his shoulder, he replies. "Well, you must admit, I'm cutting down"
***
How many barbarians does it take to light a torch?
Just one, but you'd better have a lot of spare torches...
***
What do you get when you try to cross a half-orc and an otyugh?
Nobody knows, there's some things even an otyugh won't do.
**
Two half-orcs are out shopping when one of the happens to look at a mirror hanging from the side of a market stall. He says to his friend "That guy looks familiar, but I dunno who it is..." The other barges him out of the way, looks in the mirror and shouts "It's me, ye daft bastard!"

Orc "if you cant beat them ... Beat them because they will be expecting you to join them so you have the elemnet of supprise!"

Group of adventurers, an elf, a human and a dwarf has been taken prisoners and punished by whipping, 20 strokes each.

The torturer asks what the victim wants to his back before whipping.

First is human. "I take water", he states. Some water is poured onto the mans back and twenty strokes are hitted.

The elf is second. Proydly he states: "I take the oil" and some oil is poured on his back before strokes are hitted.

The dwarf is last. With loud voice he announces: "I take the elf"

>>10519861

"As he dies, falling to his knees, he says "so much for your canoes, assholes"

I'm trying to use "Turn Undead" as a pun for "Become undead", but I can't think of a good set-up for it.

After a long and fruitful adventuring career, Jozan decided to retire to the countryside, and bought himself a beautiful white horse to go riding. However, as a loyal servant of Pelor, he felt that the normal commands of "Giddyap" and "Whoa" were too pedestrian, so he trained the horse to go when he said "Praise Pelor!", and stop when he said "Amen".

One day Regdar came over to visit Jozan at his country estate. After reminescing for several hours about their adventures, Regdar asked if he could go for a ride. Jozan said "Of course, my friend, but there is something you must know about this horse before you go." Regdar replied "Bah, what's to know? I've ridden hundreds of horses." and without another word, he leaped into the saddle and kicked the horse in the ribs, sending it into a gallop.

Regdar had a very pleasant ride over the rolling hills and woodlands, and wasn't paying very close attention to what was going on around him. After a time, he noticed that the horse was headed straight for a 1000 foot cliff, and that the reins had slipped down until they were just out of his reach.

Not too worried yet, Regdar cried out "Whoa!", but the horse kept going full tilt. He tried shouting all the other commands he could think of, with equally little effect.

Finally, seeing no way he could avoid death, he began to pray, "Pelor, I know I haven't been a very devout follower, but I promise that if you get me out of this, I'll go to the temple every Godsday, and donate lots of gold to you, only let me survive somehow. Amen." With the last word, the horse skidded to a stop on the brink of the precipice.

Looking up at the sun with tears forming in his eyes, Regdar cried out "I have been saved! It's a miracle! Praise Pelor!"

>>10520220
>hitted
>proydly
>victim wants to his back
>whatthefuckamIreading.tff

>>10520259
I suck at spelling.
sorry.

A fighter walks into a bar...

*clang!*

>>10520319
Four half-orcs walk into a bar.
the human behind them ducks.

>>10520257

This shit is archived, by the way.
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive.html

Two humans walk into a bar.

The dwarf didn't even notice it.

ITT: classic jokes are modified to sound like D&D jokes- and they still work.

>>10520241
Try the Oglaf route.

>>10520241
A sorceror, a druid, and a cleric were arguing in a bar over who was the best shapeshifter.

The sorceror argues, "Alright, I can't shapechange until I'm at the peak of my strength, but it's the best transformation spell!"

The druid argues, "While I have to specialize in animal forms at first, I can begin changing my form with minimal effort."

The cleric laughs at both of them. "Are you kidding? The first thing they taught me was how to turn undead!"

A Human, Halfling, and a Dwarf all walk into a bar.

They then ask why the hell there's a bar that is slanted diagonally in the middle of the road.

idea:

multiclass wizard/bard. Use 4e so cantrips are free.

Prestidigitation + Perform(Pyrotechnics)

firework show bitches!

What happened when the princess ordered her centaur to the middle of the room?

She sent her centaur center.

So a pirate goes to the local Cleric. The Cleric sees that the pirate has a steering wheel stuck in his pants and asks "What's the problem?" The pirate says, "Arr, it's drivin' me nuts!"

Why did the chicken cross the road?

He was a cursed adventurer on the way to the Cleric's for a cure.

why was the paladin arrested
"why was the paladin arrested"
he used his lay on hands on a halfling choir boy

>>10520586
Single class Wizard.

>>10520220
This one would be so much truer to the original if it was the elf last instead of the dwarf.

A woman meets a kilted half-orc barbarian on the road one day. She asks him,

"Sir, is it true that you don't wear anything under those kilts?"

The barbarian winks and says,

"Why don't you reach under there and find out?"

The woman reaches up his kilt, and pulls her hand back, yelling

"Oh, that's gruesome!"

The barbarian smiles and says

"If you put your hand back, you'll find it's grew some more."

>>10520775
Ahah. And it's only a skirt if you wear something underneath.

So Baron von Zurovich, Lady of Pain and the Lord of Blades all walk into a bar.

There were no survivors.

moar, moar, MOARR

Chapter Master Azrael was doing a surprise inspection of the Rock. When he reached the showers, he noticed a large splatter of semen on the wall.

He turned to the nearest marine, "have you been masturbating, soldier?" he asked.

"No, sir. I farted."