>>18758684

Everything is this fucking game is settled by rolling d8's. Two of them. If you can't roll d8's, then you've come to the wrong goddamn place.

See those traits? Notice there's not a list of them? That's because you make them up - crab truckers don't have time for fucking lists! Go and make that shit up!

If a trait you made would come in handy in a situation - roll an extra d8 with your check. That's all there is to it.

Name: Claptrap
Race: Would you believe BIG MOTHERFUCKIN' CRAB?
Class: Fighter
Traits: Fight! Jump! Land! Pinch!
Motivation: Keep that fuckin' truck on the road you pansy I gotta kill these fuckin' road punks trying to stop us!
Background: As a child he was bitten by a radioactive lobster. You better believe he beat the shit out of that lobster!

>>18758854

That's the spirit son! Now we just gotta wait for some more crabs to get into the truck.

The Crab Goddess is waiting boys - this cargo sure as shit ain't gonna deliver itself!

We still need
a LIFTER
a GODDAMN DRIVER
and a WILDCARD
to get this show on the fuckin road!

You wanna be a coconut crab?
I don't give a shit, but you best bring your a-game, coconut crabs are little pussies compared to crab truckers, just sittin' around on the beach all day and shit.
They are, however, totally rockin' with the lady crabs from what I hear.

Crab-Christ on crutches, you say you wanna be a Japanese Spider crab? And you think I fuckin' care?
These faggots can't even decide what kind of creature they are - pick a species a stick with it you flip-floppin' fagbeards!

With legs that fuckin' long though, I bet they could drive two trucks at once - just hang those shits out the window!

>Name: Earl Clamps
>Race: Big Mutherfuckin' Hermit Crab.
>Class: Lifter
>Traits: Lift! Eat! Complain! RefuseToMove!
>Motivation: Ain't none of your motherfuckin' business, that's what.
>Background: His father lifted shit. His grandfather lifted shit. His great-grandfather lifted shit. You better believe he's going to lift shit better than those three combined!

So what, you think you wanna be a hermit crab because of the armor? I made a faustian pact with a devil and wished only to give LESS of a FUCK, and after I died, I went straight to hell, where they promptly SENT ME BACK, because as it turned out I could not care fucking less.

These little fuckers have to carry around a shell everywhere they go - and it doesn't even grow with them! They gotta find a new one every time they grow, thieving bastards.

But when you're a 300 pound crab, you can probably wind up with some bad-ass substitutes for a giant shell.

>mfw i made shitripper a billion years ago

>>18759059
>>18759043

Within two seconds of me announcing hermits? You must be a goddamn psychic, you shell-wearin' lunatic. Welcome aboard, Lifter!

We're still waiting on
a DRIVER
and a WILDCARD

Get in here!

You pansies still out, not sure if you wanna be crab truckers? Take a look at this faggot.

It's a goddamn halloween crab or some shit. Yeah, it worships the devil or some shit, how should I know? All I can say is that these are some fucked up crabs - they hollow out little kids like pinatas to use them as candy bags.
Candy bags they fill with little kid guts.

Seem like it would be faster to just leave those kid's guts in there in the first place? That's not how these cocksucking satanists think.

>Name: OTTO VON MOTHERFUCKIN CLAW
>Race: Big Mutherfuckin' Crab
>Class: DRIVER
>Traits: Drive! Smoke! German Engineerring! Race Superiority!
>Motivation: To show the godless lobster and other inferior sea crustaceans what a real crustacean can do behind the wheel of an 18 wheeler
>Background: Otto Von Motherfucking Claw was not always a truck driver. Needless to say a drinking game and a poorly wagered bet impoverished otto and left him with a burning rage to drive better then anything else.

>>18759083
NAME: Lobster Johnson
RACE: Lobster
CLASS: WILDCARD
TRAITS: Claw Crush! Swim! Smoke! Scream!
MOTIVATION: WILDCARD, BITCHES
BACKGROUND: The crabs from crab school gave him a lot of shit until he claw crushed their soft asses. Ain't nobody tells Lobster Johnson where he goes and who he associates with.

>>18759170

Holy shitsnacks boys, we've got ourselves a driver! Heil! For the sake of all our shells, I hope you're as good at driving as you are at kicking the pansy-asses of inferior species.

We only need one more in here,
a WILDCARD

You pick all your own traits! Just throw shit together! Do you play another character in some other lame-ass game that clearly licks the sweaty scrotum of an unwashed space marine? Use it as inspiration for a crab here, see if I give a shit.

Spoiler alert: I fucking won't. Us crabs have shit to deliver on behalf of the Crab Goddess. We don't have time to give shits.

>>18759224
What the hell is this fool trying to pull? Good job being THAT CRUSTACEAN.

CRABS (and motherfuckin lobster) ROLL OUT

>>18759224

Goddamn son, that was fast! Good to have you!

Alright boys, let's get a ROLL CALL in here to start our truckin' - there's a lot of miles ahead of us and the Crab Goddess ain't known for her patience!

>>18759265
>>18759224
>>18759170

I'm already lookin forward to how this lobster proves himself with Otto - but that ain't none of my business!

There's motherfuckin' truckin' to get done!

>>18759290
Momma Johnson always told me, "Son, don't ever listen to a crab that done never crushed the life out of another crustacean and watched the life leave them stalked eyes."

Lobster Johnson. Wildcard.

>>18759271
>>18759290
I hope we can get rolling, but a bad feelin' in mah antennae says that ol' Claptrap may have jumped truck.

>>18759325
>>18759313

We got Earl Clamps, our LIFTER
and Lobster Johnson, our WILDCARD

We still need to hear back from Otto and Claptrap if you're still around, otherwise, if you're just reading the thread - roll up a goddamned crab and get ready to get truckin'!

>>18759313

That there is just pap your mammy told ya to make up for the fact your not glorious crab master race.

>>18759356

Save that caustic racism for the road son, you're gonna need it! That made more sense in my head, but fuck it!

We'll wait just a bit longer here and then head out, even if we're a man short, I don't want to keep you boys or the Goddess waiting - this shipment is vital!

AW SHIT SON

JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE AND WE GOT A WHOLE FUCKIN' CONVOY MADE UP

Alright, let's go -

Here's the scoop, truckers -

Tomorrow, the princess of crabs, Crabina, is getting married.
Don't give me that look, she's the pride and joy of the Crab Goddess you ingrate, and we truckin' crabs do whatever the shit she needs us to get done!

Oh, jealous are you? Seen a few pics from her "special tape" floating around have you?
Well toss that shit out with your cumrags boys, because she gets divorced every week - right after she fucking EATS the poor sucker who decided to marry her.
Her bridesmaids are just as infamous for their...unique dispositions, so keep it in your shells when we make the delivery!
We're truckers! And most of us are crabs!

In the back of this 26-wheeler is a cake as big as all goddamned get-out: and the Crab Goddess doesn't believe in no pussy air-conditioning shit, so we got to get this fucker moving, and fast!

The bakers sent along a few bags of icing in case it gets fucked up along the way - two of em to be exact - and let me tell you, if this thing gets fucked up you're gonna want to use em to fix it.

Because if that thing doesn't look like a goddamned shit-eating picture out of Better Crab Home and Garden: We'll be the replacement on the menu.

>>18759224
>WILDCARD, BITCHES

I like the way you think, LJ.

I'm having flashbacks to Crab Quest.

>>18759473
DUDE THERE'S A HUMAN ON THAT CAKE
THEY'RE GONNA EAT HIM TOO?

>>18759473

First, you'll be passing through the Hot-As-Fuck Desert. That's it name, and it's the first leg of the journey from here.

Then it's a half a day's truckin' to Crab Palace.
You want a more creative name? Me too, tell it to crabina, so she can gnaw off your crustacean-balls.

Let's get movin, roll call on where you are in the truck and we're off!

>>18759498
I'm itchin' to have a flaw forward to Otto's ass in my claw. But there ain't time for that, let's get this fuckin' truck a-movin'.

>>18759510
I'll be in the back, mindin' the cake.

>>18759509

Don't be a retard...


they're gonna crush him first.

>>18759510
I gotta be shotgun, might need somethin' lifted off the road.

>>18759510
I'm in the BACK OF THE FUCKIN' TRAILER

You better believe if shit goes down I'm gonna bust out the back doors like a fuckin' crab-shaped wrecking ball!

>>18759473

Otto knows a challenge when he sees one. Ignoring the mud sucking lobster, Otto gets to business, helping Earl Clamps get that big mother of a cake loaded and doing everything a good driver does before rolling out. Checking straps, filling tanks, etc.

Captcha: seasuld distinction

GOOD OMENS FOLLOW US CRAB BROTHERS

otto also has a smoke before they leave.

ROLL CALL COMPLETE

Goddamn it's hot out here, you fuckers must be roasting in your shells! Crab Goddess, what do you have against air conditioning, crab jesus bless it...

Out of the corner of your eye-stalks, you think you see something beside the road...
Sure as shit, there's just dust fuckin' billowing up, following as fast as the truck.

What in the flying shit?

>>18759510
>your crustacean-balls
We have balls? That's news to me.

>>18759569

Oh what the SHIT IS THIS

Claptrap is gonna skitter on around the side of that cake and bang on the trailer wall! "HEY ASSHOLES QUIT PREENING YER SHELLS AND LOOK IN YER FUCKIN' REAR-VIEW! WE GOT SOME COMPANY!"

Otto is driving obviously, and uses the mirrors to check out that shit behind him.

rolled 4, 5, 7 = 16

>>18759569
Complain!
I hate dust.

>Get away away from the truck, dustyfucker, we gotta cake and 8 pincers and we ain't takin' SHIT.

>>18759651
Now I ain't one to argue with crabmath (or even lobstermath, 'cept when I've been drinkin'), but I'm pretty sure we've got... lessee here... one, two, three, four...

Huh. Looks like you're right about eight pincers.

>>18759549

You boys better be glad you have this Crab History X motherfucker as your team, he's thorough as shit, good job.

>>18759611
The others turn around and aren't caught unawares by this shit, whatever it is.

>>18759632

Otto, as you look out the rearview, you hear a call from the back as-

OOOOOH CRAB-CHRIST!

The sands suddenly part with an explosion of sand, as a goddamned worm thing jumps out of the fuckin' sand, tentacles a-blazing! Wait...it looks just like...
A goddamned tremor?! Fuck my claws, it is a fucking tremor - it must have been attracted to the trucks vibrations! (which I hear a 26-wheeler can give off from time to time.)
That, and the fact there's nothing these wormy motherfuckers love more than a delicious crab.
Nothing...except for delicious cake.

Tentacles are reaching for the truck, trying to grab hold!

>>18759680
It looks like it's already time for Lobster Johnson to claw crush an ornery sumbitch.

Claptrap, get them doors open so we can get a good look at this motherfucker!

rolled 2, 5 = 7

>>18759651

The tremor is taken aback by how fuckin' crabby you are - that and the fact that he can even hear you over the 1700 horsepower engine Otto's got going in this bitch. His first tentacle misses, but he's still hot on the trail.

>>18759680
FUCK THAT NOISE

Claptrap is gonna BUST OUTTA THE BACK, CLAMP HIS BIG-ASS CLAW TO THE TOP OF THE TRAILER FRAME, SWING UP TO THE ROOF, AND JUMP THE FUCK ON THAT FUCKIN' GRABOID!

>wat roll, MotCG?

>>18759680

Otto Von Claw furrows his eyestalks, and gets ready for some serious driving. While attempting, graceful, non cake splattering maneauvers, he turns the radio up to 11 of his favorite german deathcrab metal band, CRABSTEIN.

Lighting a new smoke, he says ,"If we're gonna go out, we're gonna go out in style".

rolled 8, 4 = 12

>>18759736

I see a JUMP, a LAND, and a PINCH there, so 5d8 to you, Claptrap! Just don't roll all ones for the Goddess' sake!

rolled 5, 4, 8, 1, 6 = 24

>>18759782

FUCKIN' ROLLIN' ON THAT GRABOID

rolled 7, 7 = 14

>>18759779

>furrows his eyestalks
>crabstein
>this is gonna be a good game

Otto and Earl, in the rearview, you guys see the rear loading doors fly open, and hear cursing from Claptrap, and the carriage bounces a bit as you see him JUMP RIGHT ONTO THAT FUCKER.

>>18759810

Claptrap, you slam into that cocksucker so hard half his guts come out through his eyeholes on impact...ugh

He's still wheezing, but he sure as shit won't be bothing YOUR cake anymore!

...In the distance, the truck speeds away at full blast. Well, shit.

This thread is gold and you are all awesome motherfuckin' crab truckers.

If you need to pick up a hitchhikin' crab, I will be monitoring this thread

>>18759871
Lobster Johnson slams a claw on the back wall

"Listen up, you lotta wetshells! Claptrap's crazy hide is sittin' out in the middle of that Hot As Fuck Desert without a pot to swim in! PULL THIS CRAZY THING OVER"

>>18759882

Roll up a crab son, and keep your eye-stalks peeled and ready for the roll call - we'll pick you up at the next stop!

>>18759871

Well Shit, Otto thinks to himself, checking to make sure it was claptrap who jumped and not johnson.

Turning the truck leisurely arround in the desert, hoping that Claptrap is distracting the worm, Otto returns for his crab brethern.

rolled 3, 8, 4 = 15

>>18759900
Forgot my scream dice.

>>18759871
Should we stop this thing for 'im? I'm not entirely sure we stop for 'im. It's your call, but if we stop, I ain't liftin' Claptrap.

>>18759871

Claptrap grabs a graboid tentacle and swings it like a goddamn bola before hurling it at the truck fading into the distance. "HEY YOU SUNSABITCHES, GET BACK HERE!"

rolled 6, 6 = 12

>>18759900

Luckily, Otto hears you loud and clear, Johnson.
As you look out in the desert, keeping an eye on Claptrap, you think you see more dust clouds coming towards him from the east and west...

>>18759921

As you right the truck on the road again, you see more dust clouds comin' in fuckin' HOT from the east and west, maybe a half-mile off from Claptrap, who is still standing victorious over his kill. It's time to move!

>>18759957

JOHNSON Otto yells as he turns the big rig arround.

THERE MAY BE A BUMP.

AS THIS GLORIOUS SUPERIOR CRAB DRIVEN GERMAN ENGINEERED MASTERPIECE RAMS GRABOIDS UP THE ASS. KEEP THE CAKE IN ONE PEICE.

>Name: Vice McFiddle
>Race: Big Mutherfuckin' (Fiddler) Crab
>Class: Wildcard
>Traits: Burrow! Face-punch! Dispense Wisdom! Fiddle!
>Motivation: Gettin' on down the road a ways.
>Background: McFiddle has been goin' down the road a fur piece for some time now. I reckon he's gonna keep goin' too.

"IT'S ABOUT GODDESS-DAMN TIME YOU SHOWED UP! THIS FUCKIN' TREMOR HAS BEEN GIVING ME A HEADACHE WITH ITS FUCKIN' BELLY-ACHIN'!"

rolled 6, 8 = 14

>>18760004

Roll me up 4d8 Otto, let's see if you can pick this fucker up and take em out in one fell swoop of your claw!

>>18759957
"All right. Once we get close enough to Claptrap, I hang a claw out and grab his off that hot ass road. Then we spin the truck around and get out fuckin' shells out of here."

>>18760004
"Boy, I been through plenty o' bumps. One of which was whatever sad shell you call a mother."

>>18759882
>>18760012

Me.

I shall await my glorious entrance at the pleasure of you fine gents.

rolled 1, 6 = 7

>>18760014

You see the truck blazing towards you - which is fitting, because it's blazing out on this fuckin pavement! You have to dance around on your legs to keep from fryin' in this shit.

As you look around, you notice the dust clouds growing closer and closer - the tremor beneath your claws wheezes out a quiet chuckle.

rolled 8, 8, 2 = 18

>>18760014
"GET IN THE TRUCK, YOU OYSTER, WE AIN'T GOT ALL DAY WITH THIS CAKE 'ERE."

(Complain! to get his crab-ass movin' even quicker.)

>>18760046
Claptrap slams a leg down on the fuckin' tremor and yells "SHUT YER DROOL-HOLE, ASSWIPE."

Still, those fuckin' tremors might mess up the cake if he ain't careful! "HURRY UP YOU BUNCHA TICKS!" he shouts at the approaching truck.

Otto's Rolling

FOR THE CRABERLAND!

rolled 5, 4, 6, 4 = 19

OR again in the email field ... shesh

>>18760070
>double 8s

>>18760091

Otto slams on the gas, closing the last few hundred feet with our stranded crabpanion skittering on the road ahead, flanked by graboids. At the very last possible second, just when it seems he'll just slam into Claptrap along with the tremors and be done with all this crap, he JERKS the wheel to the right hard as SHIT, sending the trailer in a wide arc!

>>18760081

The truck turns suddenly as it seems like it's about to slam into you, and does a circle tighter than you thought a 26-wheeler could do, holy crab-christ - hammering the tremors as it whirls around! As it turns back towards your Goddess given destination, Earl holds his claw out the door. Grab on, son!
>>18760070

Luckily, Lobster Johnson is in the back on the cake - and he's never been known for losing his cool, even in this heat. The truck swings around, hammering the two graboids as Earl throws his claw out the door, grabbing Claptrap as the truck speeds back towards their destination.

>>18760178
"About time, you goddamn crawdads! I thought I'd have to hitch a ride on one a' them fuckin' tremors! Now let's get this goddamn cake to Crab Palace!"

Whew! All the crabs in one piece, and the cake intact to boot? Not too shabby boys - it's a good fuckin thing those tentacle faggots didn't manage to grab onto your wheels - that cake woulda melted like butter out there!

Finally, as the sun begins to set, you start to make your way out of the desert, and into a cool, lightly-wooded area. Next stop is the bridge over the Crawdad River, biggest goddamn river this side of the Goddess' Mountain.

As you approach though, you notice something is wrong...cars and trucks are all parked on the side of the road, with crabs getting out and standing around looking pissed.

When you finally get to the front, you see why - the Crawdad River has flooded to fucking shit, and the Goddess-forsaken bridge done washed away!

[1/2]

It seems there may be no way to get the cake across this river in one piece before tomorrow...

Unless maybe...

The Crawdad River runs into the Octopus Ocean - and the shore is just a skitter and a crawl from here. And you can almost make out the sails of a few ships from here...

Is it time to take this trip out of the trucks and onto the sea?

>>18760245
>>18760278

"This is some goddess-damned fishshit, boys! We need us a local guide to get us through this mess!"

It's your choice boys, though none of em seem to too fuckin' good to me - do we try and get across this fuckin' mess, or try our hands at being Crab Sailors?

You can always talk to some of the locals around the flooded river too, maybe they can lend you some advice. Either way, the sun is setting, and the wedding is tomorrow - time's-a-wastin!

>>18760278
Now, see, we ain't Big Motherfuckin' Crab Sailors.
An' see, we ain't Big Mutherfuckin' Crab Transporters.
And we ain't Big Mutherfuckin' Crab Newspapercrabs, which I only mention because of some asshole shrimp.

No, we're Big Mutherfucking Crab TRUCKERS, and by goddess, if we don't solve every damn last problem with a truck then every thing I know is a lie.

Otto has a smoke and listens to what the others says before suggesting if they want to make crabina's big day on time in case something else happens, they should probably man up and boat out.

>>18760342

I like your damn spirit, boy! Provin that we crustaceans have got some balls, science be damned!

But philosophy is for those faggot starfish - we need a solution to this problem!

>>18760342
"Clamps, you're all right. Truckin's what we do, and truckin's what we're gonna do! We need us a wildcard..."

"ANOTHER wildcard, I mean," he says, flicking his eyestalks at Lobster Johnson.

>>18760012

[Get on deck, Fiddle, you'll be comin' onboard one way or another real shortly here]

>>18760357
>starfish are philosphers

My god(dess), the fluff you're pouring into this setting is amazing.

rolled 7, 7 = 14

>>18760399

McFiddle watches the Big Motherfuckin' Crab Truckers from his seat on the docks where his knapsack and fiddle sit.

"Reckon dem boys are headed down the road a ways."

McFiddle tenderly lifts his fiddle and plays.

ROLLING TO FIDDLE

>>18760012
[A voice sounds on the wind, the soothing, but somehow not-surprisingly horrifically intense voice of the Crab Goddess]

[Vice, our truckers need your help...
...This is the moment you've been waiting your whole life for...
...I stopped your truck at this river for a reason...
...Now is the time to assume your destiny...

...Also, if you don't believe in fate, I'll make you wish you were never spawned, you tiny-clawed faggot...

...*ahem*...fulfill your destinyyyyyyyyyy~]

Clamps moving speech has reinvigorated otto.

We need some way to get the trucks accross the river. Maybe some kind of pontoon bridge or something to help make the truck float.

The lack of venom at johnson was notibly different.

Maybe some of the locals will know where we could get the appropiate supplies and we can do a night crabvoy across the river. The sooner we'er done with this cake the better.

"I gots an idea formin'. The way I see it, we could make a new bridge. We'd just need someone good at liftin'. And someone good at swimmin'. And someone good at german engineerin'. An' someone wise enough to actually put all this bulltroutshit into a coherent plan!

Naw, but that's just silly. We don't got any of that. "

>>18760460
>ROLLING TO FIDDLE
>rolled 7, 7 = 14

"Did... did you all hear that fiddlin'?"

Claptrap scuttles around in a circle looking for the source of the haunting fiddle solo!

>>18760460

>post on the same minute

As you stand before the river, you all hear a wistful fiddle tune playing on the wind, coming from the docks.
It almost reminds you of those quiet nights back home, before all the trucking, the nights around the barbecue, roasting up some delicious humans...

>>18760482

"Uhhh..." Claptrap says, looking from one crab to the other. "That ain't a bad idea. A floatin' truck is still a truck, right?"

>>18760496
>>18760460
"Hey boy, what you fiddlin' about down there? This ain't no time to be fiddlin'. Flooded rivers are never good fiddlin' locations."

>>18760482
>>18760478

As you both look around the river, you see Claptrap skittering off toward the docks.
Docks! Hah! Don't make us laugh, we're truckers!

But, as you look towards where Claptrap is going, an idea suddenly occurs - there's nothing keeping a ship from coming up the river to where you are...and a ship on its side...that's sort of like a bridge, right? Hmm...

>>18760487

As you scuttle towards the docks, you finally come to the source of the fiddling - an old, weathered country-crab relaxing near the shores, knapsack at his side.

>>18760546

McFiddle spits something dark green out of his crabby mouth.

"Reckon any place's good as any fer fiddlin'. Ya'll boys look to be in a spot o'trouble. Ain't never known no truck to swim ver'well. Pappy always said when yeh got to gets 'cross a hogwash, bes' place to go is under."

>>18760582

>You are a goddessdamned genius

>>18760582

"I like this guy."

its almost like we need to accomplish some secondary objective so we can finish our main objective on time. The cunundrum!

What do you boys say about creating a giant ramp to jump the truck across, or we could just steal a boat and make an impromptu bridge out of it.

You know ,

whatever.

Vice "Wankmaster" McFiddle puts down his fiddle and peers at the other crabs with cataract-dulled eyes.

"Reckon Ah can help o'bit wit gettin' yer truck o'cross. But I'll be takin' a ride wit' yeh iffin I do."

>i have no idea what I'm doing but this is the most I've laughed all week

>>18760628

Claptrap raises his pincers above his shell and claps them shut noisily and vigorously. "I think any plan's as good as the other! I'm gettin' fed up with all of this waitin' around and yammerin' about like a goddessdamn mackerel!"

>>18760656

Well I recon we need the help, We got plenty of room Pardner!

>>18760663

>None of us do, welcome to the party hahaha

>>18760656
As long as you ain't got a sweetmandible for cake, then I'm mighty fine with ya hitchin' a ride and helpin' us out.

McFiddle stows his fiddle and scoops up his knapsack.

"Al'righ' den boys. Wha's tha' plan? Ain't mucha swimmer meself, but Crab-Goddess gave me one claw fer fiddlin' an' one for diggin'."

"An' punchin' faces."

>>18760663
>>18760676
>>18760686
>>18760702

You're right boys, the time for talking IS over - the water has continued to flood, and is starting to come closer and closer to the tires of our rig!

That, and it seems that Lobster Johnson may have gotten lost somewhere off the docks...I haven't seen him since we got here. We may have just found our new Wildcard.

rolled 2, 3, 3 = 8

"Say, fellas," Claptrap asks, looking around at those lightly wooded areas the Messenger of the Crab Goddess mentioned a few posts back. "What if we used some 'a them trees to make ourselves a raft and float the truck on down to Crab Palace?"

Rolling + PINCH to pinch some trees and make them into a suitable raft...

McFiddle votes we dig under this motherfuckin' river!

rolled 8, 7 = 15

>>18760737

[Didn't roll an opening check, one moment.]

rolled 3, 3, 7 = 13

>>18760737
"That's not how ya get a tree out! Ya gotsta lift it straight out, root and all!"

Lift!

rolled 8, 7, 5 = 20

>>18760737

That's a good a plan as any.

McFiddle's going to dispense wisdom!

"Pappy always said..."

rolled 8, 7 = 15

>>18760753
As you skitter towards the trees, you pinch them like a hot knife through butter - fuck trees, they're only for those furry faggots.
However, as the trees fall by the score, you realize they've been in the standing water too long, and they're deteriorating from rot too quickly to be gathered, splintering useless into the water.

>>18760737

Otto ponders as he smokes

Is digging under the river a more or less viable option then attaching trees to the rig and running accross that way.

Oh great messanger of the crab goddess, give me a sign.

You have til i finish my smoke!

rolled 6, 3 = 9

>>18760758

Earl LIFTS a few trees out from their roots - sending them flying in the air! Goddamn, that crab's on 'roids!
As they fall to the ground, he find the same frustrating result - they are too rotted to be useful rafts, though the upper branches have remained untouched, but don't seem to be thick enough to make a normal raft from...hmm...

rolled 2, 4 = 6

>>18760791

As you take the last puff of your smoke, a tree LAUNCHES through the air from where Earl lifted it, slamming to the soft earth with a CRUNCH-SPLAT mere inches from your claws.
Naturally, you don't flinch.

>>18760777

"Aw, hell," Claptrap grumbles in frustration as he shakes this fuckin' limp-ass bark off his pincers. "This ain't workin' for shit!"

"What was that you were sayin' about goin' under it, old man?" he asks, eying the rising water as it gets closer to the truck's tires and the precious cargo above them...

"Reckon I never cared much fer trees."

McFiddle spits.

>>18760764
"Did your pappy always say to dig holes when the river overflows? 'Cause that'd be mighty fine advice right about now."

>>18760824

"Pappy always said goin' down's easier than gettin' it up. Dunno much wha' 'e mean' but I reckon it's got somethin' to do wit' trucks an' rivers."

rolled 4, 1, 6 = 11

Rollin' to burrow!

Can the Lifter help? Might need some motherfuckin' PINCHING if we run into any tree-roots too.

rolled 4, 4 = 8

>>18760854

>I love you guys
>Also, I'm going to write Lobster Johnson out in this coming scene, if no one objects.

Otto, being the superior race, lights another smoke and proceeds to get on his CB

>>THIS IS BIG CRABBY BIG CRABBY COME IN ALL OTHER CRABS WE ARE STUCK ON ROUTE TO PRINCESS CRABINA WITH A SPECIAL CARGO AND WE NEED ASSISTANCE DIGGING A TUNNEL UNDER THE FLOOD. COME IN CRABBERS DO YOU READ ME

Otto starts making plans to dig a tunnel which mostly consists of letting Earl Pinch the shit out of the ground, and using any assitance that can come.

If your going to die horribly as a princess crabs dinner, you might as well bring company.

Otto is of course , driving the rig when required and manning the cb with a smoke in hand.

rolled 4, 4, 7 = 15

>>18760870
Rollin' to Lift out some of that excess dirt that may be cloggin' up the tunnel.

rolled 1, 4 = 5

>>18760870

McFiddle scuttles back to a good ways from the edge of the river, and starts to dig into the soft earth. The digging is fast, but as you go, you hear the water rushing overhead.
If you can't get a tunnel going fast enough, it'll collapse in on your head...and even then, you're going to have to move the truck through fast - it's going to be a window of time short as a sea urchin's dick!

>>18760909
I can attest personally that that is in fact, quite short.

I just want to tell you all that you're awesome crabs.

rolled 1, 4, 6 = 11

BURROWIN' TILL I REACH THE OTHER SIDE

Oh damn, how am I going to know when to burrow up...

rolled 6, 1 = 7

>>18760881

The rest of the crabs in the area respond quickly - they're fuckin' sick of waiting out in this fuckin forest too! That's no place for a goddess-fearin' crab!
The sound of dozens and dozens of scuttling legs is heard, as crabs from a half-mile back come to help dig through this flooded piece of shit.

>>18760886

Leading the way, Earl skitters to the side and starts shoveling out some of the dirt, making a tunnel large enough for the 26-er. Before long, you finally break through to the other end - the last sliver of the setting sun shows through the hole!

Now quickly, before the tunnel collapses! The other crabs are already dashing back to their cars, threatening to turn the area into a fuckin' gridlock, not to mention the river, which is already overflowing the edges of the tunnel.

By the order of The Inquisition I declare this thread to be awesome and full of win

>>18760963

Claptrap JUMPS into the back, slams the doors shut, and bangs on the trailer wall! "LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD!"

rolled 6, 8, 1 = 15

>>18760963
Earl's already in the truck before anyone knows how.

"Dammit Otto, if we ain't one of the first ones through you're going to get the Clamps' patented Death Clamp!"

>Complain!

If we're out...

McFiddle jumps on the roof of the cab and starts fiddlin'.

"C'mon boys, daylights a'burnin'."

Otto, splitting , dividing and generally skipping gears relies on the fine german engineering of his rig to not drop out as he mercileslly grinds the guts out of her , like a seagull with a clam.

>>LETS GET ER DONE

>>18761049
>not driving a Daimler-Chrysler Crabliner with a straight 10 speed, floating gears, and pulling off in fifth with a light load

rolled 7, 4 = 11

>>18760984
>>18761049
>>18761030
>>18761025

With the full cadre assembled, Otto slams on the gas, sending the 26-wheeler skidding through the soft earth towards the tunnel. As you go under, you hear the trickling of water, and for a moment, the truck is engulfed in darkness, with only the sound of dripping to be heard.

Suddenly, you slow to a halt - your tires are stuck in the muck! They spin and spin uselessly against the muddy ground - fucking boiling-pot crab-hell, is this it?! Goddess, why have you forsa-

Suddenly, from the back of the tunnel, a familiar form appears, dashing towards the truck.

A lobster hops over the car behind you, bracing his shoulder against the bumper and yelling into the cab, "You think I forgot about you guys?"

With a heavy push from Lobster Johnson, the truck's wildly spinning wheels finally come free, and it speeds out of the tunnel. As you look behind, what little sun remains illuminates the edges of the tunnel as they begin to collapse.

Lobster Johnson holds up a claw in defiance from under the tunnel,
"Tell the princess I hope she enjoys her fuckin' cake!"

And with that last quip, the tunnel collapses, and the sound of cracking shells and crushing metal echoes through the forest as you speed off into the night.

[1/2]

>>18761076

>queue sad fiddle music as Lobster Johnson is lost beneath the mire

rolled 3, 6 = 9

>>18761076

A black mood takes over the cab as the forest slowly gives way to a road winding through a grim swamp.

In the darkness, all you can see is the glowing red tip of Otto's cigarette, and the green haze from the radio on Earl's face.

The swamps give off a fel mood, and off in the distance you hear the howling of wolves.

After a long, long bout of silence, you think you may hear the sound of engines coming from behind you...though it may just be the chorus of frogs in the muck...But man, does that really sound like a shitload of engines...

>>18761132

"Man, that sounds like a shitload of engines..."

Claptrap raps on the trailer wall. "Hey up there! You all hear that racket?"

>>18761132
"Hey, you guys hear that? McFiddle, Claptrap, you manage to see anything odd? This noise is really ticking me off, and arachnids are a disgrace."
Rivers and deserts? Earl can take that, but he don't like not a single swamp.

>>18761163

Through the crack in the door, you look out into the blackness. You can only barely see what may be a pinpoint of a headlight off in the distance, but the sound is unmistakable - a motorcycle.

>>18761197

McFiddle stops his cab-top-riding-fiddle playing.

"Reckon that there's some motherfuckin' bikers. Maybe crab bikers. Stow that cake, boys."

Yes Sir, Claptrap.

Lets deliver this cake to this bitch and get her done. I'm sick and tired of this job.

Otto uses his nictotine fueled narcisistic rage and german engineering to put on hideous ammounts of speed.

Otto does not want anymore delays.

>>18761186
>>18761197
Earl, as you and Otto look through the rearview mirrors, your crab-equivalent-of-hearts sink in your chest cavity.

As the pinpoints of light grow closer, they are indeed motorcycles - and as the light get close enough to reflect off the rear cab, your darkest fears are confirmed-

...Lesbian bikers.

>>18761232

Aw geez.

>>18761232

Now, as any crab knows, they're nothing that a lesbian loves more than munching on some vertical claw.
But aside from their culinary tendency towards things that smell like fish, they can't resist a delicious cake - especially when eating it would ruin the marriage of a Goddess-fearing heterosexual crab couple.

>>18761232
And at this moment, Earl instantly regretted taking this job at all- the first time in the last 13 years of trucking.

"AW HELL NO, I HEARD WHAT THOSE MOTHERFUCKIN' CAR LESBIANS TRIED TO PULL A FEW MONTHS BACK, AND I'LL BE DAMNED IF I'M GONNA LET A BUNCH OF MOTORDYKES GET ANY OF THIS ROYAL CAKE!"

Claptrap peeks out the back doors, waiting until they get closer to smack the doors open with his stout fightin' claws and leap onto the lead bike!

>>18761226

Otto slams on the gas, trying to outrun the bikers - but their rage and hunger for delicious straight-wedding cake seems to be propelling them to near superhuman speeds.

A pair of them pull up alongside the driver's and passenger's side, silver claw-crackers shining menacingly from their front pockets.

>>18761319

Claptrap sees a pair of bikes pull around side, as a whole gang of bikes pulls up to the rear cab, close enough to kiss it. One of the lesbian bikers hops up on the handlebars of her hog, and prepares to jump onto the back doors of the 26-wheeler.

"Pappy done said sumtin' once 'bout Auntie May bein' an ol' crabby rugmuncher. I hated Auntie May."

McFiddle throws his fiddle and knapsack into the cab and skitters across the roof of the truck to help defend it!

"Be damned if firs' ride in weeks gonna get slowed up by muffdivers."

Otto, plays a high speed game of cat and mouse with the motordykes, trying to give everyone plenty of chances to take out their frustration on the car dykes.

Helping everyone, (also gotta go, so please write me out in glorious fiction messanger)

Gnight all

rolled 8, 6, 8 = 22

>>18761333

Wait, if they're near the cab. ROLLIN' TO FACE PUNCH ANY LESBO THAT COMES NEAR

rolled 7, 8 = 15

>>18761359
>>18761319

>give me some rolls boys, let's take out these furry-oyster-munchin flesh bags!

rolled 3, 8, 7 = 18

Complaining a torrent of lesboinsults that shall not be repeated for the safety of /tg/.

rolled 6, 2, 8 = 16

>>18761371

>Double 8 facepunch

rolled 1, 8 = 9

>>18761371

McFiddle THROWS the door open, hammering the closest carpet-cruncher with a sickening THUMP, sending her shit reeling out on the road, taking out several of her comrades in scissoring with her careening bike.

In the same motion, he swings a hard right-claw, cracking the fuckin' skull of another lesbo, with similarly devastating effect.
Only a handful of bikers remain, shaken but unwavering, especially now that their delicious cake is in sight!

>>18761369
>Godspeed, Otto! There'll never be another driver like you! I'll make sure you go out in a blaze of glory!

>>18761425

"Yeah boy, tell Auntie May, Vice said h'lo!"

rolled 7, 3 = 10

>The end is in sight boys, just a few more posts and we'll wrap it up for the night - hang in there crabs!

rolled 4, 5, 2, 2, 3 = 16

>>18761381

SLAM! That's the sound of the truck doors flying open as four hundred and forty pounds of shell and muscle come flying out the back end, hurtling through the air toward the largest motorcycle!

"YIPPEE KAY-AYE-AY, BITCHES!"

>Claptrap sees a pair of bikes pull around side, as a whole gang of bikes pulls up to the rear cab, close enough to kiss it. One of the lesbian bikers hops up on the handlebars of her hog, and prepares to jump onto the back doors of the 26-wheeler.

aw shit i missed that post

CRAB GODDESS PROTECT YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' UNWORTHY SERVANT!

rolled 2, 3 = 5

>>18761398

Earl leans out the driver's side, screaming at the top of his lung words which would make even the roughest lobster-sailor cringe.

The remaining lesbians turn their heads in disbelief, and at the same moment, Otto accidentally drops his cigarette into his lap, tapping the brakes as he fumbles for it with his claw.

Not looking forward, the remaining lesbikers slam into the rear cab with a bloody CRUNCH, their bikes spiraling off on the road behind you.

Ahead, the sun has slowly begun to rise at the edge of the swamps.

[1/2]

>>18761465

Shaking his claw angrily, Claptrap leans out the rear doors beside McFiddle, yelling ear-shattering words he only just learned from Earl.

As the sun begins to rise, the swamp road slowly begins to break, as the scenery softens into that of the beautiful Crabgrass Fields.

Off in the distance, you see a gigantic fuck-all castle, with an equally large, white-lace tent set up in front, the pinks and oranges of the rising sun tinting its satin overhang. A group of crabs in tuxedos and formal dresses amble around the grounds.

>>18761554
"A-ha! We've made it, boyos!" Earl DOESN'T complain.

rolled 2, 5, 1 = 8

>>18761554

Pappy always said we need fightin' an' drivin' music!

McFiddle busts out his fiddle again!

>>18761596
>>18761590

As you pull up, cheerful fiddle music echoes from the cab. However, once you get closer and park the ol' 26-wheeler, you notice a somber mood has settled over the congregation. The group has already been gathered in the aisles, but the groom appears to be missing - and you can clearly make out a distraught (and PISSED OFF) Princess Crabina waiting in the aisle.

An attendant rushes up to the truck, "Oh, thank the Goddess, you've all made it in once piece! I assume you've brought the cake then?"
With that, the maitre'd crab looks down at the green, grassy ground beside the truck, "It seems, however...that the princess' husband caught word of her...marital habits, and abandoned ship at the last minute...it seems we may have to ask you to simply return the cake from whence you brought it..."

[1/2]

rolled 3, 8, 5, 5 = 21

"All this truckin' and hardly any fightin'!" Claptrap shouts, lunging his pincers out the back to try and PINCH any lesbians trying to make a go at the cake!

>I gotta step outside for a minute so rollan FIGHTAN + PINCHAN

>>18761653

>mfw claptrap is like a crazed berserker crab who always arrives a little late to the fight

>>18761648
looks like someone needs to drop a natural 16 Complain! roll on the groom. Or on the maitre'd to take the damn cake.

>>18761648

As Earl, McFiddle, and Claptrap exchange grave looks at the thought of returning the precious cargo, a sharp CLICK is heard from the driver's seat, as Otto throws open his steel liter, with the words "CRAB POWER" etched into the side.

As he draws the flame up to his latest cigarette, he opens the door casually, nodding to the crab servant, "I ain't about to let this cake go to waste. If there ain't a groom for our Crabina, I'll take care of it. You know, my father was never satisfied with any girl I ever brought home, said she wasn't 'pure enough blood.' Well, maybe when I tell him about this one in that big beach in the sky, I'll finally be able to give the old codger the what's-for."
With that, he ambles off towards the wedding isle, cigarette in claw.

[2/3]

McFiddle looks on down the road.

"Well boys. Road's still goin'. Reckon I'll be gettin' on down it a fur piece more.

>>18761753

Claptrap clips his pincers shut once, twice, and waves at the crusty old crab. "Thanks for all the fiddlin', old-timer. And the wisdom, I guess." With that he scuttles back around to face the aisle and watches his old pal take the plunge.

>>18761725

>Oh you brave, beautiful bastard.

>>18761480
Do you have any idea how long it takes to work up a good frothy rage?

>>18761824
negro wat?

>>18761725
>As he draws the flame up to his latest cigarette

I read that as "last cigarette" twice.

>nflammo address
Yes, Captcha, you may give a toast to the smokin' groom and his smokin' wife.

>>18761725

As he walks up the aisle, Otto snatches the bowtie from a sitting crab, tying it deftly with his free claw.

Taking his place beside the bride Princess Crabina, already licking her lips, he turns around and breathes out a puff of smoke, giving a wry wink, and tossing his lighter back towards the 26-wheeler.

"Keep on truckin', boys."

Earl, Claptrap, and McFiddle pull the cake out of the cab and set it down on the reception table, returning solemnly to the truck. Looking out the back, they see the guests cutting into the groom side of the cake and step on the gas, leaving a cloud of dust in their wake.

Keep truckin', you motherfuckin' crabs.
Keep truckin'.

[FIN]

what i'm reading is beautiful, please don't let this be the last time. i must experience this crabventure first hand.

Everyone in this thread is awesome.

Many thanks for making my night!

Thanks for coming out tonight guys, you all were fucking hilarious.

Hopefully we'll be able to do another one sometime if people are down for some more crab action!

Until then - Keep truckin'!

rolled 8, 3, 1 = 12

THANK YOU, YOU GLORIOUS MOTHERFUCKIN' MESSENGER OF THE CRAB GODDESS

ROLLIN' TO CUT A RUG AT THE RECEPTION

this thread, man

>>18761867

You can bet if I see another of these threads, Ol' McFiddle will wander on in.

>>18761753
>>18761847
Goodbye Fiddlin' traveller.
Good life, Prince Otto.

Goodbye, Cla- no. See ya later, Claptrap. We'll truck again, one day. Maybe not now, but our scuttlepaths will cross again.

I've got another job to head to already, I won't be able to eat any of the cake with my Eat! skill. I ain't got the time.

But that's just the life of a Big, Mutherfuckin', Crab Trucker.

Thanks too to everyone who was watching or who helped to bump the thread.
Looking forward to having you guys as truckers next time. Goodnight!

>This thread
>THIS ENTIRE FUCKING THREAD
I love you, /tg/.

How is thread archived?!?!?!?!?!

>>18762388
Already fuckin' is!

A single bump.

>>18767377
Thankyou, thankyou.
I'd never have seen this without you.

some thread in /tg/ restored

>>18767564
*some faith,,,fuck i cant type tonight

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/18758684/