I assume you're talking about Space Marines.

They train, and depending on the chapter, do personal things like carve or paint. Space Wolves drink and brawl. I'm sure Blood Angels cry blood and drink blood and blood blood. Black Templars rap.

Space Marines canonically get 15 mins spare time each day.

So...hmmm...enough time for a round of poker. I'm guessing they're fast readers, so they might read stuff before bedtime.

I'd like to think they could actually save up the 15 mins over the years and get a nice week-long holiday every now and then.

>>18132677
This, but only one hour per 24 hours. The rest is training and indoctrination.

>>18132677
I'll assume he wasn't. Marines do many things that you and I might in their spare time. Some may enjoy tv, sports or other games. They might just go drinking with their buddies. If they're on leave they might spend the time with friends and family. They might enjoy reading.

Fap to the sororitas seen during the last battle.

For the black chapters it is dat sororitass

To stand idle while the enemies of Humanity still roam is to forsake ones duty to the Emperor.
In their Spare time, they serve the Emperor and the Imperium.

I bet they sit around and colour little miniatures of warriors from past or future.

>>18132739
I bet they wonder what regular people do during wartime.

>I bet they jump behind walls so they don't get shot!
>tfw

>>18132758

I do actually like the idea that they spend their 15 minutes a day coming up with terrible jokes for each other.

I've got a deathwatch PC (imperial fist) who has his own grove. He nearly stabed the inquisitor when he told him to stop planting stupid trees.

>>18132767
>Hey Brother Goren, what did one guardsman say to the other guardsman while they were on leave?
>I don't know, Brother. Enlighten me.
>Maybe one day I can join the glorious ranks of the Adeptus Astartes.
>*GUFFAW*

>>18132790
"Brother Fastus, have you ever considered not charging blindly into combat with xenos, and maybe talking it out?"

*Beat*

"Only joking!"

GUFFAW

>>18132767

>Ho, Brother Anceus. Brother. Brother. Brother Anceus. Brother. Brother.
>*Rolls over in his sacred bunk to look at Brother Pellus*
>...Guardsmen.
>*MIGHTY CHORTLES*

BATTLE BROTHER!
>YES BROTHER?
WHAT DID THE IG DO WHEN THEY ENCOUNTERED A TYRANID HORDE?
>I DO NOT KNOW, ENLIGHTEN ME!
THEY WITHDREW AND CALLED IN AN ATTACK BY THE ARTILLERY
>TRULY YOUR STORIES FILL ME WITH THE GREATEST OF MIRTH. MY LAUGHTER IS AS HUGE AS I AM.

Salamanders engage in freestyle rap, basketball, going to the barbers, and placing the high quality rims on any vehicles they see.

With their blacksmith background, you best believe they're also the eternal quest to to have the most tricked out gear between the brothers.

>Brother Thorek, what do you call an Eldar who has stopped scheming?

>What?

>a dead Eldar

*GUFFAW*

>>18132816
Brother Higolf, did you hear the one about the constipated Space Wolf?

I did not, Brother.

Yes Brother, it turns out he needed a golden throne! GUFFAW

Brother, I am reporting you to the Chapter Master.

>>18132767

>Brother Rex, when is a heretic not a heretic?
>I do not know, Brother Quellus, when is a heretic not a heretic?
>WHEN HE'S DEAD!! AHAHAHAHAHA
>BY THE EMPEROR IT GETS BETTER EVERY TIME BROTHER REX AHAHAHAHAHAHA

Bad space marine jokes general?
Bad space marine jokes general.

>>18132830
Salamanders also hang out with their birth family on their off time. Believe they are the only chapter who does that.

>Brother Tark, why did the Tyranid break up with his girlfriend?

>I dont know, why?

>because she had too much biomass

>THUNDEROUS REVELRY

>>18132843
>>18132845
>>18132833
>>18132828
Fucking lost it. Well done brothers.

>>18132850
Aren't they also the only chapter who is allowed to have/ are capable of having children?

>>18132850
"BUT MOTHERED KIN I DO NOT NEED A BIB FOR THE TRADITONAL ROAST"

"Any more backtalk like that and you're getting grounded!"

>Battle Brother Grabthar, why did the Trukk become much less safe?
>I don't know, Brother Elupis, why DID it become much less safe?
>I fired a meltagun at it, silly!

>BROTHER, WHAT WAS THE LANDSPEEDER DOING ACROSS THE GRAND PLAINS OF OLLICAR XII AS IT RIGHTEOUSLY SLAUGHTED THE ORCISH HORDE OF GOLDUR SKINSTAB?
ENLIGHTEN ME, BROTHER.
>ABOUT 120 MILES PER HOUR
A GLORIOUS AND AMUSINGLY EXPEDIENT VELOCITY!

>Well that's what we call a Medium chapter!
>Why is that, Brother Walodorfus?
>Because they aren't rare, and they certainly don't do well!
>DOHOHOHOHO!

...I'll show myself out.

>Brother Dorn, what do you call an ork who is jealous of the mighe of the great Adeptus Astartes?

>i dont know what?

>green with envy

>MARVELOUS QUIP, BROTHER

>>18132891
might*

>Did you hear the one about the Grey Knights when they aided our chapter?
I did not, Chapter Master!
>That's BECAUSE YOU WERE MIND-SCUBBED AFTER, HAHAHAHA!!!

>Brother Cassius, I ask you - what do you call a Space Wolf with a drinking problem?
I don't know Brother Octavian. What DO you call a Space Wolf with a drinking problem?
>You call him a Space Wolf, brother Cassius.
>IMMENSE LEVITY

Brother Dexus! What is our most holy and favored brand of tea?

I do not know brother.

Astar-teas!

WAH! HA! HA! HA!

>>18132865
I dunno. I never read the books, so I'm just assuming it means parents, siblings and maybe extended family.

>Brother, did you hear the one about the Sororitas and the bolter?
>Bolt 'er? I 'ardly knew 'er!

BATTLE BROTHER
>YES BROTHER?
AN GUARDSMAN HAD TOLD ME A JOKE RECENTLY,
>A GUARDSMAN JOKE? WITH ALL THAT TIME THEY HAVE, IT MUST SURELY BE A GREAT ONE.
INDEED IT WAS. HE SAID HE WANT'S TO BE LIKE ME WHEN HE GROWS UP
>MY BELLY WOULD ACHE FROM ALL OF MY LAUGHTER IF I WAS A LESSER MAN
AHA! I SEE THE HUMOR HAS BEEN DOUBLED, BROTHER! I AM NO MATCH FOR YOUR WIT!

Brother Gilfin, have you noticed the increase in orkfors?

Enlighten me brother, what is an orkfor?

FOR SHOOTING BROTHER!

TERRA'S LIGHT BROTHER I WISH I HAD A SEPARATE ORGAN FOR LAUGHTER!

>>18132865
I think they are the only ones allowed to retire, I don't know about children...

epic thread is epic.

>Brother Maltek, did you hear the one about the sound marine who was punished by Slaanesh?

>no

>neither did he

>DOHOHOHOHO

>>18132936

noise* marine, fuck

>What's the difference between an Ultramarine and an Alpha Legionnaire, Brother Jallen?
>Please inform me of the difference, Brother Cassius.
>DEATH TO THE FALSE EMPEROR!!!
>BY ROBUTE'S CHEST-HAIR!!!

Brother, from whence does heresy breed!?

Idleness brother!

That is correct.

>no laughs were had.

dare we give birth to the comedy marines?

Brother Adivus, what did the guardsman say to the xeno?

Enlighten me brother.

I don't know I killed them both!

> Riveting tale brother!

>>18132976
Fuck yes we dare.

>Battle brother angelos, what did the librarian say when he went to the apothecary for his yearly heresy checkup?

>I do not know, sargeent thalmius. What did our librarian say?

>"hope is the first step on the road of 'dis appointment"

>MY SIDES, BROTHER--I FEEL AS IF A XENOBLADE HAS CUT ME

BROTHER
>BROTHER
THE HERETIC MARINES OF SLAANESH ARE MOVING TOWARDS OUR POSITION
>I STAND READY TO RESIST THEIR ADVANCES.
WAS THAT A JOKE, MY BROTHER?
>IT WAS INDEED, BROTHER.
I FOUND IT AMUSING.
>AS DID I BROTHER. BUT ENOUGH OF THIS LEVITY, IT IS TIME FOR WAR.

>>18132976
>They will be looking for marines, not for clowns.

Brother, what did the heretic say to abaddon after he was told of his plans to launch a new black crusade?

I do not know, brother, what did he say?

REMEMBER THE LAST 13!!

BY THE SIGILITTES FLAMING STAFF BROTHER!
GUFFAW

Brother Ferrus! How man bolts does it take to destroy the enemies of his most holy Majesty and father the emperor!?

The answer to this I do not know brother, enlighten me.

I'm still counting!

True... True...

Brother! Can you cover my patrol shift?

Of course Brother, what is the emergency?

I NEED TO DROP POD BEHIND THAT BUSH

GUFFAW

Here I was thinking of going to go to sleep.
Good jobber /tg/

Brothers, Have any of you kept tabs on the words of the Ministorum these past millenia?

Why no Brother, I have not...what do they say?

They think the Emporer IS A GOD!

BWAHAHAHAA

Brother-captain!
>Yes, brother?
I have relayed your order to attack the breach to our Blood Angels brothers-in-arms!
>How do they feel about the fact that the charge shall almost certainly lead to a glorious death in the Emperor's name?
They were sanguine about it, captain!
>DOHOHOHOHO

Brother! The witch is upon the ridge! The enemy artillery is advancing to "What" Hill, and their left flank is feeling to "Where" cavern, We must advance!

Which ridge?

That is correct brother!

What is correct?

No Brother, the ridge!

I understand, which ridge?

Yes! We must advance!

Where do we advance?

No brother, we must advance to the ridge!

I'm asking you Brother, to which ridge must we advance?

You would be correct brother!

I HEARD AN AMUSING JOKE, THE OTHER DAY, BATTLE BROTHER. WHAT DID THE ALPHA LEGIONARY SAY TO HIS SECRET SLEEPER AGENT CONTACT?

I DON'T KNOW, BROTHER SIGIL. WHAT DID HE SAY?

HE SAID, YOUR MISSION IS TO ALTER THE NAGIVATIONAL BEACON FREQUENCY TO 226.53 AND ENSURE THE DISTRESS SIGNAL GOES THROUGH WITH A DELAY OF 28 MINUTES.

HA, HA, THAT IS A MOST AMUSING JOKE, BROTHER. I MUST NOW DEPART TO THE COMMUNICATIONS ARRAY. *WINK*.

DID YOU JUST SAY "WINK", BROTHER?

NOT AT ALL. YOU MUST BE IMAGINING THINGS. HA, HA, HA.

>>18133056
why was that so funny, i knew what was coming, but i wasnt ready

In the grim darkness of the future, there is only GUFFAW

>this thread

I'm glad /v/'s having this harmony bullshit. Otherwise I might have missed this gem.

So I clarified to the Inquisitor, that it was not a Land Raider to which he referred, but indeed it was Revered Sargent-Brother Partonus in his consecrated Terminator armour!

>*Guffaw*

Oh God, you guys.

Thankyou for informing me of what I wanted to know

And all these tremendous jokes.

>Let me regail you my Brother, of the time a heretic, a xenos, and a Guardsman, righteous lover of our glorious Emperor, went down a slide.
Please do, Brother Graius!
>The first to attempt was the heretic, and upon sliding down he yelled 'HERESYYYYYYY', and upon reaching the bottom, he fell into a puddle of THE BLOOD OF HIS PEERS, WITH WHOM HE SOON JOINED.
>The second to traverse down the- are you alright Brother? Do you require a minute?
Kmmf- I sh-shall regain my composure -hrnk - in but a moment Brother Graius, please -kknk- continue your tale.
>Very well. So then the Xenos filth then takes to the slide, and upon the downward slope, he yells 'ALIIIEEENNNN', and upon reaching the bottom- check thyself Brother- upon reaching it, he lands in a puddle of FILTH, FOR THAT IS ALL XENOS ARE AND HE IS PURGED IN FLAME ACCORDINGLY
>The third-
NO BROTHER, CEASE! SUCH MERRIMENT MY FUSED RIBS CANNOT CONTAIN!!
>But continue I shall, Brother! For the third to go down the slide-
NO, I CANNOT LISTEN!! I FUEL SLAANESH WITH EVERY WORD YOU SPEAK!!
>-the THIRD is the Guardsman, and upon going down, he yells 'I WISH I WERE A SPACE MARIIIIINNNEEEE'
NO! NO! HE COULD NOT!!
>He could and did, Brother!! And upon- snrk- u-upon reaching the bottom, he- knnk- YOU ARE MAKING ME PREMATURELY LOSE COMPOSURE, BROTHER ANTEUS!
I CANNOT HELP IT BROTHER, THE LEVITY HAS STRIKEN ME WITH THE FORCE OF A BATTLE BARGE
>BL-HAHA-AST YOU! So- so...h-he lands, and he lands-
OH SPIRITUAL LIEGE, SAVE ME!!
>In a puddle...OF NOTHING, FOR HE CAN NEVER BE A GLORIOUS ANGEL OF DEATH LIKE WE!!
EXTERMINATUS!! EXTERMINATUS ON MY LOCATION, BEFORE I TEAR OPEN A WARP RIFT THROUGH MIRTH ALONE!!

Brother Alporus, did you hear the voices of slaanesh scraping at the edge of my mind?

No Brother, you should certainly see the Chapter's Apothecary about that.

Indeed Brother, now twist my nipples!

OHGODBROTHERMYBLACKCARAPACE
GUFFAW

>/tg/

never change

>Dost thou know why the Dark Angels Primach was late to the confrontation at Holy Terra?

>Do tell, Brother!

>Because he was LION AROUND!!

>I believe the chaplain heard you.

>Oh Sister's tits. The pain glove for me...

I see the start of a new trend.

IS THAT YOUR PRIMARCH OR DID A TYRANID HIVE FLEET JUST PASS BY?

YOUR PRIMARCH IS SO UNSIGHTLY THAT NOT EVEN SLANEESH CAN BECOME AROUSED AROUND HIM!

DID YOU HEAR THAT TERRAN IDOL WAS RENEWED FOR YET ANOTHER SEASON? NOT EVEN TZEENTCH FORSAW IT HAPPENING!

>>18132825
>>18132825
>>18132825
>>18132825
>>18132825
MY SIDES!!!

And then I said LAND RAID-HER? I HARDLY RHI-KNOW HER!!

>>18133279
BIGGEST BLUNDER-HAWK OF THE MILLENIUM

>>18133265
YOUR PRIMARCH HAS FALLEN SO FAR INTO CHAOS NOT EVEN TZEENTCH CAN FIT HIM INTO A PLAN

WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THE BATTLE-SISTER WHO APPEARS TO HAVE TWO BLACK EYES?

NOTHING! ORDERS HAVE ALREADY BEEN ISSUED TO HER TWICE!

HARK ONTO MY WORDS, BROTHERS, FO I HAVE CRAFTED HILARITY FOR YOU IN THE FORM OF 'RHYME'!!

There once was a Primarch called Guilliman,
Who everyone thought was a silly man,
He wrote the Codex Astartes
Wasn't invited to parties
And had the sexual skill of a derpy ram!


THAT TOOK SEVERAL WEEKS TO CRAFT, I HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT. MY NEXT WILL BE ABOUT A SISTER FROM THE PLANET WANYUCKET!!

MY CAPTAIN GOT SCARED AND TOLD ME THAT I WAS TO RELOCATE TO MY CHAPTER CURRENTLY FIGHTING IN THE BIEL-AIR CRAFTWORLD

I feel somewhat the thread has shifted in tone a little.

>>18133373
You man and man do not rhyme.
You are as bad a Kanye West rhyming 4 with for

so lets make a chapter called the comedy marines, or find a more creative name, whos primarch was the court jester of the emperor, and who believe any form of entertaining or comedic wordplay is the best way to praise the EMPRAH, THE CHAMPION OF REVELRY, THE OVERLORD OF MIRTH, PRAISE BE UPON HIS JOYOUS SENSIBILITIES

>>18133373
THERE ONCE WAS A GUARDSMAN FROM PLANET NANTUCKET
BUT MINE'S BIGGER.

>>18133410

Not enjoying the glorious rhming skills of the Adeptus Astartes is HERESY, you realize?

ARE YOU IN NEED OF A SLIDE TO TRAVEL DOWN?

Battle-brother!
>Yes, Brother?
Did you perchance hear what happened when the Adepta Sororitas received their first titan?
>No, Brother. I did not.
They destroyed a sizable amount of their own forces just backing the war machine up!

WHAT DID THE INQUISITION SAY TO THE GUARDSMEN THAT FOUGHT WITH SPACEMARINES SAY
>I DO NOT KNOW BATTLE BROTHER WHAT DID HE SAY
BLAM!
GUFFAW

YOUR PRIMARCH IS SO FAT, THE ORKS HAVE RECOGNISED HIM AS A NEW GOD.

YOUR PRIMARCH IS SO FAT, THE INQUISITION ARE PURGING THE CHAPTER ON SUSPICION OF NURGLE POSSESSION.

ok i think we're getting a little too far away from the 40k mentality with a few of these new ones

>>18133401
...

>Biel-Air

That almost works TOO well. Suspiciously well in fact.

>>18133128
>Not listening to harmony while reading this thread.

You some kind of faggot, boy?

>>18132833
I'm pretty sure Dark Eldar would find that absolutely hilarious and true.

Battle-brothers, by the Emperor, this thread must be archived!

toasting in epic bread

Is this shit being archived so i can steal your glorious works of art?

>BROTHER SPACE WOLF, HOW MANY THOUSAND SONS ARE OUT THERE IN THE GALAXY?
HOW MANY?
>LESS THEN A THOUSAND!
>GUFFAW

>>18133817
Doesn't appear it is. Well i did it so all we need is 3 more archive requests.

if bob brown had his own chapter..

BROTHER
>YES BROTHER
HAVE YOU HEARD THAT LOGAN GRIMNAR PROPOSITIONED ONE OF THE SISTERS OF BATTLE LAST NIGHT WHILST PURGING THE GALAXY OF XENO FILTH
>REALLY BROTHER
YES, HE'S SUCH A DOG
>GUFFAWS

THIS SHALL BE ARCHIVED SO THAT FUTURE GENERATIONS CAN READ AND ENJOY A TEMPEST OF THUNDERING REVELRY.

why is this comment not 10 times longer than it is? id be dying laughing here if i was a lesser man

>BROTHERS!
http://5secondfilms.com/watch/brothers

So I come home from work and see this thread.

Much GUFFAWS were to be had.

>>18133164
Also, all my internets to the anon who's idea this joke was. Much merriment was to be had.

So much amazing has been had.

>BROTHER, WHY DON'T ALPHA LEGIONARES FIGHT FOR THE EMPEROR?
BECAUSE THEY ARE HERETICS?
>NO, BECAUSE THEY DON?T EXIST!
GUFFAW

meanwhile, in the shadows
So, that 5-pronged assualt on the ultrasmursfs tomorrow still on?
Oh, yeah Alpharius and Omegon themselves even tricked some eldar into helping out.

>>18133415
The Drollmarines.

>BROTHER LEVICTUS
YES BROTHER DAMATUS
>THE EMPEROR'S HEART IS FILLED WITH JOY WHEN WE KILL A HERETIC, IS IT TRUE?
IT IS
>THEN EMPEROR'S HEART IS FILLED WITH MORE JOY WHEN WE KILL TWO HERETICS, TRUE?
YES IT IS. WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT
>TURN AROUND AND SEE HOW MUCH JOY WE ARE ABOUT TO BRING HIM

>>18132687
>>18132683
Space Wolves have more or less unlimited free time when not on missions, they don't even train unless they feel like it. Right after he became a blood claw ragnar basically wandered around the fang for a few weeks and went hunting, they have thunderhawks that basically operate like buses to pick them up if they need to collect them in case something happens..

Greetings Brother, who you care to hear a jest?
>As my eyes ever watch for heresy, so my ears listen to you Brother.
Very well, then I shall begin. What did one Space Wolf say to another Space Wolf?
>I do not know Brother, what did one Space Wolf say to another Space Wolf?
WOLFWOLFWOLFWOLFWOLFWOLFWOLFWOLFWOLVES
>*GUFFAW* THE HUMOR IS DERIVED FROM THE FACTUAL BASIS OF THE STATEMENT!

Comedy Marines.

Always cracking jokes when their superiors aren't around.

This is their Primarch.

>>18134655
"No, stop that. I warned you what would happen if this crusade carried on being silly."

>>18134655
...I love this concept JUST for how much it would annoy any Inquisitors or Marines from other chapters that have to work with them.

>>18132981
>>18132976
Can we please?

rolled 43 = 43

LED BY THEIR PRIMARCH CACKLUS GIGGLEBLOOD

>>18135202
Their Librarians keep a record of their greatest jokes, in a grand Tome of Comedy. This Tome is only ever deployed in the largest and grandest battles, for even the greatest jokes are less effective when you hear them frequently.

Small groups of Marines are often deployed to Hive Worlds suspected for Alpha Legion infiltration. Their jokes keep the locals' morale high, and frequently disrupt Chaos' recruitment schemes (as its difficult to get people to join when you are the butt of that many jokes.)

>>18135242
They also have one of the highest mortality rates, as their Chaos Marine impressions, while uproariously hilarious, are accurate enough to earn them Bolter shots to the face. Nevertheless, they do their duty for their emperor.

This diary provides some insight into the daily life of a space marine:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3477232/1/Diary_of_a_Space_Marine .

>>18135261
>"Poor Brother-Captain Skelton. His impressionist skills were simply too powerful; the Inquisitor did not understand."
"The Brother-Captain died as he had lived."
>"Messily?"
"Hilariously."

Secret weapon of the comedy marines:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sdWGlJrG6sQ

>>18135242
Brother, bring forth the Libris Comedius.
>Opens, paper spring-snakes and confetti fly out
Oh, you.

>toasting in epic bread

brothers this should be added to 1d4 chan

Ladies and gentlemen achmed the dead heretic

>>18135491
"It's TzeenTCH! TCH! TCH! TCH! I hate it that you never get it right!... I kill you..."

Venerable Bjorn!
> YES BROTHER STROMUS
Have you heard the latest news about Abbadon?
> NO
His hands... fell.
> ...

(The geneseed of Brother Stromus was later recovered as Brother Stromus died of his injuries caused by a accidental malfunction of the venerable dreadnaughts power claw)

>>18135530
So much guffaw. So fucking much.

Jesus fuck, someone archive this shit.

I SAY BROTHER HONDE, I DESIRED A PET, SO I PURCHASED A CYBER MASTIFF FROM AN AGENT OF THE IMPERIAL LAW.

>HOW IS THAT WORKING FOR YOU BROTHER JON'REL?

TERRIBLY! I AQUIRED IT FROM A NEGLEGENT MASTER, AND THE POOR THING IS STUCK IN "AGRESSIVE" MODE, SO IT CONSTANTLY MAKES NOISE AND ATTACKS, BUT HAD IT'S JAW REMOVED, MAKING IT HARMLESS.

>HOW AWFUL.

INDEED, YOU COULD SAY, OUR BARK WAS WORSE THAN ARBITES.

>DO_HO_HO_HO_HO

ALSO, I TURNED THE OFFICER OVER TO THE ADEPTUS MECHANICUS, FOR RE-EDUCATION.

>WELL, LOOKS LIKE THERE WILL BE A NEW SERVITOR SOON!

(They both laugh mightilly.)

I SAY BROTHER JACOBUS

>YES BROTHER ARCTURUS

HAVE YOU HEARD THE ONE ABOUT THE XENO AND THE POWER FIST?

>OF COURSE I HAVE, YOU TELL ME IT ALL THE TIME

YES, I SUPPOSE I'VE "BEATEN IT TO DEATH"

DOHOHOHOHOHOHO

----

Aaaand Heresy.

>This entire thread

I love you guys.

Brother Ragnar!
> Yes Brother Ulrik?
Have you heard about the news about the Inquisitor and mighty Bjorn at the Chapter Fortress?
> No Brother Ulrik.
The Inquisitor declared Bjorn Excommunicate Traitoris for helping the civilian population while ordered to purge them.
> The audacity of that Inquisitor! What happened brother?
Well, Brother Ragnar, Bjorn had a malfunction with his lightning claw.

*GUFFAW*

The Primarch of the Comedy marines is renown for once cracking a pun so bad, Khorne ripped off his own ears so that he would not hear another.

BROTHER ALTOR, WHY DID THE TRAITOR GUARDSMAN CROSS THE ROAD?

I DO NOT KNOW, BROTHER BASSIANUS, PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME.

I WOULD NOT PRESUME TO UNDERSTAND THE THOUGHTS OF A VILE HERETIC, BROTHER.

AH, INDEED NOT.

>BROTHER, WHY DID THE ULTRAMARINE CROSS THE ROAD
DO TELL, BROTHER
>TO MEET HIS SPIRITUAL LIEGE
GUFFAW

Ah, Brother-Captain Joculus. Such a strong, imposing figure. I had the privilege to field alongside him forty years ago, arrayed against a force of Tzeentchian heretics.

Amidst hard fighting, he suddenly turned to me, stubber rounds deflecting off his armor as he calmly spoke. "Brother, I have been contemplating these foes of ours."

"You have?" was all I could ask, for the absurdity of the moment.

"I have. And I have come to realize, we are not so different after all." He surely knew my shock as my eyes widened as large as my helmet's lenses.

"Flamer," he said calmly, as he squeezed the trigger and fired a gout of prometheum past my ear, and an agonized shriek behind me told me he had not only saved my life, but done so in... how do the guardsmen say? Style. I wheeled around, to see the remains of a blue-and-purple, clawed monstrosity rolling and burning.

"Flamer," he said lightly, and then handed me his blessed weapon. With his free hand, he pointed up the ridge at the next enemy wave, lead by the twisted form of a daemonette.

"Flame her."

It was the most amusing battle I have ever had the honor of partaking in. And you should have seen his Grouchex-pattern servo skull. I could tell you, it was positively BRISTLING with digital weapons...

>>18132689
>Marines
>Reading.

No.

>Brother
Brother
>I have an amusing question to ask you
Proceed
>How many kegs of Fenrisian Ale does it take to render a Space Wolf unconscious?
I do not possess the answer brother, please enlighten me
>I depends on the velocity it impacts their head with
Most amusing brother.
>Indeed

>Tell me, brother, why do we not produce combi-weapons for close combat as well?
>Why, initiate, our swords are chained already.

Their greatest elite units are called the standup marines, with embedded vox speakers in their pauldrons holding nothing but a power microphone, delivering pun after pun! They are more feared than the noise marines, even the mightiest followers of chaos can't keep their evil thoughts in this rain of puns!

Brother
>Brother
I have had an amusing observation based upon past missions and watching our chapter's head cook prepare today's meal
>Please share your observations
There is little difference between a Radical Inquisitor and an onion.
>Explain
An onion has layers much as a Radical Inquisitor has layers of deceit, an onion grows in the muck away from the light much like a Radical Inquisitor and they both have a repulsive almost corrupt smell that follows them
>Indeed but I can not find any merriment in this observation, astute thought it is
Quite so; But I did not weep when I carved up the Radical Inquisitor, but I wept for the sliced up onion.
>Most amusing brother

>>18136560
Tell me, what makes our Standup Marines so fearful?

They're masters of improvised weapons, of course.

>>18136560
Their greatest member is Brother Whas-Thadeel, from the planet of Sine-Felled.

Brother, I have a question for you
>You may ask your question
What is the difference between a Fallen Ecclesiarch and a Land Raider?
>Many. To which difference are you referring?
We currently so not have a buried Land Raider under our maintenance hall
>Both amusing and true, brother

Sergeant Oswallace and his routines are a killer. His rendition of the Sad-Initiate has brought many traitors to their knees. His master-crafted helmet vox allows for a powerful, diverse range of voice imitation.

DID SOMEONE IN HIVE BURBANK JUST SAY THERE'S NO RRRRRATLING?!

Chaplain
>Brother
I have a question regarding the Adepta Sororitas and the limits to which we may engage with them on a social level
>You may ask your questions
To what is the allowed limit we may pursue a personal relationship with an individual member of their order before it becomes unseemly
>You may kiss a Sororitas once, you may even kiss her twice. But you must never get into the habit
Understood.

>>18136746
"Take heart, my young brother. In our entire chapter history, not a single brother has taken things too far."
"Really? Nobody at all?"
"Nun."

>>18136800

Brother
>Apothecary
Regarding our most recent mission to stamp out subversive cults pledged to the Unholy Powers I believe I have made an Important observation that could aid us in identifying them
>I am intrigued. Please share this observation that I may identify the servants of the Dark Gods with greater efficiency
I believe I have learned the favored hymn of the Slaaneshii cultists
>What is its designation?
O Come, all ye Faithful
>Observation noted

>Brother Marcus
>Yes Brother?
How many Imperial Guard troopers does it take to change a light bulb?
>I do not know, brother. Please enlighten me
Just one. Basic training. Reloading a lass-gun.
>GUFFAW

>>18136956
>>18136746
What on earth are these images from?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGfx3QAV64M

Two Comedy Marines vs a Chaos Marine

>>18137153
The Requiem Chevalier Vampire series

Awesome as fuck with more grimdarkness than 40k could ever dream of. Also more funny as well.

Someone better get shoopin'

Brother
>Brother
How many Guardsmen does it take to paint a Leman Russ?
>My knowledge is insufficient in this area Brother, please enlighten me.
Depends how hard you throw them Brother
>GUFFAW

>>18137419
this...this is the greatest

brother captain dunhaml, well known for his great performance under fire in the spark of insanity campaign,is currently being investigates by the ordos hereticus, for his controversial 'achmed the dead heretic' and 'peanut the mutant puppets'

THOUSAND PUNS AT YOUR SERVICE

>>18137611
OH GOD. THE COLOURS. I CAN SEE FOREVER.

Chaplain
>Brother
I have a confession to make relating to my misconduct
>Then speak it so that it may be heard and corrected
It was I who covertly tripped over one of the Terminator squad this morning for the base amusement as they resemble a tortoise trying to reattain an upright stance
>Half an hour in the pain glove.
Thank you for your leniency
>I will also be joining you as I laughed thunderously at the Terminators expense

Let's make this officially an epic thread.
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive.html

>>18137611
Lets take that to the next level

Brother, did you hear the one about the Techmarine who discovered how to hack the Vox operated Howler grenades belonging to a Lady Inquisitor?
>No, Brother, I did not.
Well, neither did she!

DOHOHOHO!

"I say, brother. Would you like to hear a joke?"
"Certainly."
"The Inquisition."
"MY SIDES!"

Brother
>Brother
Would you like to hear the one redeeming trait of traitors and deamons and how they relate to the children's toy known as the slinkie?
>Indeed I would brother
They are both fun to watch as you push them down a steep flight of stairs
>Truer words were never spoken

>>18137806
Love your work

>>18138096
Forgot my pic

Brothers 1d4 chan link we must fill it with all information pertaining to our glorious new chapter

http://1d4chan.org/wiki/Comedy_Marines

Tell me Brother Lanzarius, are you aware favoured tactical doctrine of the the 10th legion when encountering Eldar witches?
>I'm not Brother Jotium but please enlighten me that we might learn from their wisom.
A hands on approach.
>GUFFAW! Your insight and wisdom is matched only by your wit Brother Lanzarius!

>brother
Yes, brother?
>How many Raven Guards does it take to >change a light bulb?
>I do not know.
Raven Guards aren't scared of the dark.
>Amusing

Ok, you fa/tg/uys better start editing this:
>>18137611

OR ELSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The level of gloriousness in this thread is too high!

If I could draw, I'd draw two space marines, sitting around a table GUFFAWing with a servitor near by thinking to its self "I hate my life."

>>18137736
moar moar moar moar moar moar
You must tell me where I can find this, it's in heavy metal, but of course this is lacking in title or the series this is from.

HAVE YOU HEARD THE TALE OF THE ILL FATED EXERCISE REGIME THE GUARDSMEN ADOPTED BROTHER?
>NO I HAVE NOT, ENLIGHTEN ME BROTHER.
THEY LOST HALF A PLATOON ONCE THE MEN STARTED DOING SQUATS!
>dohoho

>>18139071
See:
>>18137419

>>18139316
Even the teutonic knights spiel?
Noice.

the home world of the comedy marines should be Montus Pythonis

Oh god my sides from this thread
>GUFFAW

>>18136390
do you think the codex astartes is a picture book

>>18136746
Sororitas don't wear habits.

They wear robes.

>>18140581

Brother Gladius, I must correct you.
>I don't understand Brother Lucifex, they wear robes, yes?
Not if you're doing it right, they aren't.
>GUFFAW

Brothers! Your attention!
The boisterous guffawing echoes through our chapter halls with such might and volume, it has already set off munitions in the armortorium! I fear for the safety of your SIDES to which you refer to so often!

I fear we may need a device to help strengthen our fused ribcages and black carapace. Perhaps to offer temporary respite, we should hold them in place with our mighty ARMS.

At this rate, we will need all of the SIDE ARMS we can get!

>GUFFAW

BROTHER
>YES BROTHER
DO YOU KNOW WHY THERE ARE NOT FEMALE ORK FILTH?
>ALAS, I DO NOT KNOW, BROTHER. WHY ARE THERE NO FEMALE ORK FILTH?
BECAUSE IF THERE WAS FEMALE ORK FILTH, THEY WOULD GO ON A WAAAGH ONCE EVERY MONTH
>OH EMPEROR PROTECT MY SIDES FROM THIS ALMOST HERETICAL AMMOUNT OF MIRTH

BROTHER
>WHY DO YOU ADDRESS ME SO, LOWLY GUARDSMAN
I, TOO, USED TO BELONG TO THE RANKS OF SPACE MARINES
> TRULY? HOW DIDST THOU FALL SO LOW AS TO BECOME A GUARDSMEN?
I TOOK A LASBLAST TO MINE KNEE!
> I QUAKE WITH MIRTH BUT ALSO FEEL PITY FOR YOUR FALL FROM GREATNESS

BROTHER
>BROTHER
WHY DO BATTLE-SISTERS NEVER BREAK WIND?
>I DO NOT KNOW, BROTHER! ENLIGHTEN ME!
BECAUSE THEY NEVER CEASE TALKING LONG ENOUGH FOR THE PRESSURES TO BUILD UP!
>GOD-EMPEROR PRESERVE MY FUSED RIBS!

Huh. How about that. For all I scorn feminists, I can't enjoy these sexist jokes.

I guess they really are bad.

http://1d4chan.org/wiki/Comedy_Marines
has been friggin updated
they shall live on

I hereby nominate Pennie Wize for the Chapter Master of the Comedy Marines

seconded
voting will close in one hour

Fixed the armor. Something was wrong with the helmet.

>>18144089
there better be two dreadnoughts named Statler and Waldorf

Does anyone disagree with our battle cry being "Hyuck hyuck hyuck"

If Comedy Marines are sufficiently clown-like, their codex must support the following rule:

>Machine Spirit of the Clown Car: 5-point Vehicle Upgrade
Applied to any properly-painted vehicle, this five-point upgrade doubles the vehicle's transport capacity; eligible vehicles must be painted in a gawdy style appropriate to twentieth-century american circus "clown cars": bright harlequin colors in clashing patterns, for example.

>inb4 mfw the clowndex clownstartes DOES support this action

Would Angry Marine Power Feet count as clown shoes? Also, stuff we could use:

-Banana Peel Landmines
-Small Children's Beds to use as cover
-Enter the Gladiators as our theme song
-Juggling

Anything else you guys can think of?

>>18144459
Banana Cream Pies to the FACE, all day erry day.

>>18144459
Flammable Throwing Pies.
You throw them at the enemy and once their contents have spilled over and into the crevasses of the enemy's armour and body,
you ignite it.

The Clown Marine Squad currently feuds with the Mime Raiders Squad.

>>18144530

Mimes should be Chaos. Like all awful things only disgusting deviants and the French (not that there's much of a difference) like, they will be Slaanesh followers.

>>18132790
>>18133074

Shit you not /tg/ these were me. I love you guys. Who knew this would be so awesome?

abam

A new recruit of the Iron Hands was showing off his new mechanical manipulator to his fellow squad mates. "Listen," he said. "My hand contains a communications uplink from which we can call for reinforcements when needed." And as they leaned in towards his hand, they did hear the voice of the astropath in orbit around their planet. The recruit then did dismiss himself to go to the bathroom. Then, the Commisar did come searching for the young recruit and was told of his location. Upon entering the latrine area, the Commisar did find the recruit upon the ground on all fours with a full roll of toilet paper wedged between his buttcheeks. "BY THE EMPEROR'S THRONE! EXPLAIN WHAT YOU ARE DOING!" shouted the Commisar. "Sir, I require silence as I am receiving a printed data sheet from my other implant!"

>>18132677
dark angel's write poetry.and mope about their primarch

>>18144741
Grimdark twist on a classic, well done brother.

I died.

A Squad of Battle-Sisters were riding a vehicle going up a mountain to the site of battle at the top. Driving down the mountain was a squad of Space Marines. As the marines neared the sisters, one leaned out as voxed, "ORKS!" The sisters, quite incensed at being insulted, screamed back, "HERETICS!"

As the sisters rounded a bend, their vehicle did collide with Orks standing in the road.

Brother Charis!
Yes, Brother?
Why are the night lord heretics so easy to kill?
Enlighten me, Brother.
Because they are KURZED
GUFFAW

This chapter is an arm of the Ordo Guffaw.
Led by Spanish Inquisitors (bet you weren't expecting that)

Brother
>Brother
Why are the Space-Wolves so willing to please the Sisters of Battle?
>Pray tell, I do not know!
They are willing to do anything for a good "bone" !
>I think I broke my humor geneseed-organ

>>18145190
Their primach rests upon his own throne, the Kam-Phee Chair.

Whoopie cushion melta bombs.

The resulting explosion will ALWAYS sound like a fart. The bigger the target, the more noisy will be its demise.

Their accursed enemy, Chaos Lord Buzz Killington.

"I say, old chaps, ripping good show! Now, who here would like to hear a wonderful story about a flight of stairs?"

>>18145346
>flight of stairs
SQUAD BROKEN!

New recruits to the comedy marines must successfully tell an original version of the aristocrats joke and make at least one squad laugh

>>18145304
Smelta bombs.

>>18144089

Chapter Master practicing his art on the populace of his homeworld.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cEnEJrHLooY

BROTHERS WE MUST CONTINUE OUR QUEST TO FILL THE LIBRIS COMEDIUS I MUST DEPART WHO WILL TAKE UP THE WORK OF TRANSCRIBING FOR THE GOOD OF THE CHAPTER?

>>18144266

ZEE BOP BIDDLE WITH THE HERETICS AND THE PURGINGS AND THE PUDDIN POPS HAW HAW HAW HAW

BROTHER TERRANCE
>YES, BROTHER PHILIP?
I BELIEVE A TYRANID GENESTEALER MAY BE STOWERING AWAY IN MY HINDQUARTERS SINCE THE LAST ENGAGEMENT. WOULD YOU CHECK TO SEE IF THEY MIGHT BE THERE STILL?
>I SHALL, BROTHER. *pause* I DO NOT SEE ANYTHING! I SHALL SEARCH DEEPER!
*PPPFFFFFFLLLRRRRTTTT!!!!!*
>NOW MY FACE SMELLS LIKE HERESY! IMMENSE LEVITY!

Successor. Chapter : Improvicrons
Chapter Master : Watt Mard

>>18145636
>>18145636
>>18145636
>>18145636

this is heresy we would spawn no such hate filled bull you must be thinking of the angry marines

>>18145659
Okok forget the chapter master, but i stand by the chapter name.

>So an Arbite, an Inquisitor and a Servitor all walk into a bar

>>18145703
"Okay, so I forget the rest but it ends with an exterminatus. Good joke, right?"
"....."
"Right?"
"And you wonder why you've been a scout for twenty years."

Someone do one of the Dead Parrot sketch. I lack in comedic wit.

Alright brothers so the other day we were cruising along in our Land Raider when we were attacked by Khornate Berzerkers.
They were standing in front of the tank so we simply kept on our course and ran them over.
As we left them crushed into the ground with our holy fury I turned to battle brother Levius and said

I guess you could call that

>optics

CREAMED KHORNE

Brother Comedus was a master of the sleight of prestidigitation. He would pull purity seals out from behind scout's ears, he could shoot flames from his nose with a sneeze, he could even slide his own thumb down his hand with the other.

Before every battle in the second company thunderhawk he would always stand in the front and do tricks for the squads. A servoskull in the back compartment would always pipe up and ruin his act.

*BEEP* Its behind his back!

*BEEP* Its under the blanket!

*BEEP* There's a secret compartment in the top-hat!

Well one day Comedus finally lost it and he pulled out a bolt pistol and began firing madly at the servoskull, accidentally hitting a fuel line. The thunderhawk exploded, and only Comedus and the Servoskull were left - plummeting to their deaths.

The servoskull looks at Comedus and says "All right I give up where's the damn thunderhawk?"

Comedy Marines should have Eversor Assassin-style unit called Danus Cookus, known to be such a bad comedian that even greater Daemons have broken down crying.

>>18146605

"Truly I say, Brothers: Never have I seen a Daemon Prince break down weeping as bitterly and broken, crying, "I DID MY BEST! *SOB* I DID MY BEST! *SOB SOB* I DID MY FUCKING BEST!""

>>18146605
The Arch Enemy dad laughed when Danus Cookus said he fight them with comedy.

No one is laughing now.

>>18146757
They had laughed. Not dad laughed.

The Sheogorius Cult, marines so devoted to comedy they give up their minds, indeed their entire beings, to humor. They become nearly mindless, mad, roving, fonts of unpredictable comedic energy, and are often deployed before the start of a battle as berserkers, with the intention of sowing confusion and crippling laughter amongst the enemy's ranks before the proper battle begins.

The use of these berserkers is strictly regulated and often kept secret, as the unpredictable and random nature of these beings is often accused of being a form of chaos magic by some members of the inquisition

>>18146417
>optics

Confirmed for having two-tone optics that go dark when triggered.

>Statler and Waldorf as Veteran Dreadnoughts
>Dreadnought Hecklers

This thread is GOLD, but I didn't lose it until this part.

Good show!

updated http://1d4chan.org/wiki/Comedy_Marines with
>>18146878
>>18146605

In most Chapters, the 1st Company houses revered Terminator armor.

The 1st Company of the Comedy Marines is the home of the legendary Ticklewilly Assault Force For You (or TAFFY).

Donning the latest in Tactical Tickling Armor, these brave souls split the sides of Chaos and Xenos alike, with weapons like the Gigglefist, Lightlytouching Claws, and the dreaded Seltzercannon.

>>18148495
1st company is waldorfus and Startlus

>>18148518
I thought those were dreads

Chief Librarian Mikus Winslow, Psyker of 1000 Sounds.

The Comedy Marines have a special Chapter known as the Black Comics. Their jests are often charged with words that only they may say due to their training. Anyone without training may fall into chaos. Their most commonly used one is the N(urgle)-Word, which has been known to literally knock enemies dead.

However, the Comedy Marines tread on paths that can be dangerously close to chaos. Several great Marines, such as Gilbertus Gottfriedius, and the one known solely as Kramerus, have fallen into the sway of the warp, their once merely hilarious jests becoming hateful and cruel.

If you constantly find yourself under fire by filthy Xeno scum...


...yooouuu might be a Space Marine.

>>18132993
OH GOD YES! I laugned so hard I spat cola all over my keyboard but it was worth it!

-BROTHER VETERAN GARTEKUS, THIS 'JOKE' MANEUVRE ELUDES ME A BIT.

-SEEK OUT THINE CODEX ASTARTES AND RECANT SECTION 8 PARAGRAPH 4, BROTHER SCOUT. "ALL JOKES AND JESTS MUST BE TOLD AND PERFORMED WITH VIGOR AND NOBILITY AND THINE BROTHERS SHALL GUFFAW IN KIND". Also, thou must strip thine power-pants to thine ankleguards and lather thine posterior with the Emperor's holy prometheum and set it alight after each joke or jest.

-BUT WHY, BROTHER VETERAN?

-DO YOU DARE DOUBT THE HOLY WILL OF THE EMPEROR?! GET TO IT!

WHAT IS THE *DEAL* WITH LAND RAIDERS?

Voice in the croud: Do enlighten us, Brother-Captain Sinefeldus

THEY ARE INDEED USED FOR RAIDING BUT BY NO MEANS TRAVERSE BY LAND.

voice in croud: A solid observation, brother.

/tg/ i love you. My soul is forever yours.
my body woll be recycled for ypur needs

>>18148660
A fine tribute, Brother. It will not be wasted.

Brother Techmarine Leonardus, might I fill you with jest before mid-morning prayers?

Brother Mattius, PROCEED.

Very well Brother Tech Marine. My munitorium Servitor has no nose!

By the Emperors Hairy arse, how does he smell Brother Mattius?

Awful Brother Techmarine Leonardus!

Oh Brother Mattius, I fear I may ruin mid-morning prostration with thoughts of your jest.

I'm feeling the urge to paint a new marine army like clowns now.... with rainbow afro and huge red clownshoes....

My enemies will laugh... to death.

>>18148731
they must fight against my fratcrons.

I have a similar question that I never an answer to.

What do Dreadnaughts do on their spare time? Like can you see a Dreadnaught chilling out with his chapter in the ship cafeteria?

>>18148904
Sleep and whine like the old fags they are.

>>18148904

Dreadnoughts prefer to spend their time sleeping. If they were awake, they'd be driven spare by chapter serfs and wet-behind-the-ears novice Scouts asking to be told about stories of the Old Times OVER AND OVER AGAIN THERE'S HISTORY BOOKS IN THE SHIP LIBRARY ARRRRRRRGGGGHH

>>18146417

YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Would Dave Chappelus be a Captain?

>>18149099
He transferred from the Salamanders.

>>18148934
As previously discussed, Comedy Marines dreadnaughts spend their spare time heckling the other brothers.

Brothers!

A recruiting agent of a GLORIOUS SPACE MARINE CHAPTER is sitting at his desk. Suddenly in comes a Xenos, a cultist, a Greater Demon of Slaanesh and Horus himself!

The HONORABLE SPACE MARINE is shocked and is about to call Exterminatus in on his location, but is stopped by the four in front of him.

His is bound to his seat with vast psychic powers unable to look away as the XENOS FILTH and the cultist SCUM strip down to the flesh.

The Demon and Horus immediately start violating each other while the XENOS FILTH and the cultist are performing all kinds of acts of TRAITOROUS HERESY!

Horus rips the cultists spine out and uses it to sodomize the Demon, who in turn throws up on the Xenos scumbag. The Xenos, now fueled by the torrent of vomit, works himself up into a frenzy and impales himself on the Demons foul 'weapon'.

The EMPEROR'S ANGEL can't bear to watch but is yet still unable to tear his gaze away, it being held there against his NIGH-INDOMITABLE WILL!!!

After a while, the Xenos bleeds out from the Demons assault. The cultist lies in a pool of his own faeces and organs while Horus decapitates the Demon with his sword!

Horus stands before the recruitment agent, heaving and struggling for breath. The GLORIOUS SPACE MARINE can only say 'What.....was....that....', he clings to life a little longer, just to know the cause of the shocking display that just occured!

Horus stands up and shouts;

"THE HERETICS!"

Brother-Captain! Did you know Guardsmen play a major role in the Holy Emperor's military force?
>Guffaw
I'm being serious, Brother-Captain Comedius.
>Oh. GUFFAW, BROTHER, GUFFAW

"Brother Waldorf, do you remember that awesome battle when the Ultramarines used their superior tactical skill to save the Imperium from certain doom?"
"No."
"Neither do I!"
"DOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"

Bumps for the bump god!

>>18145509
I lost it.

BUMP.

WE NEED ORGANIZATION AND MORE FLUFF, DAMN YOU. MORE FLUFF!

>>18150707
Please, everybody knows about the battle of Macragge.

>>18149853
I love this post, this thread, and this board.

>>18150707

Brother
>Brother
Allow me to regail you with humor at the expense of the sororitas.
>Proceed
An old Cannoness leads a group of 4 newly accepted battle sisters to a large golden fountain at the hear of their convent. It is explained that its waters will wash away all sins in the eyes of the Emperor. The First Battle Sister in the formation steps up to the water and rinses her eyes confessing that she did bear witness to the naked genitals of a guardsmen.
The second Battle sister steps up to the fountain and rinses her hands in the waters confessing to have touched the genitals of a guardsmen.
At this the Fourth Battle sister pushes past the third and exclaims "I need to gargle with that and I would prefer to do it before Battle Sister Reticia washes her ass in it."
>"GUFFAW" It is truly fortunate my funny bone has been hardened though extensive gene. therapy.

>>18157230
GUFFAW
love it.

>>18156764
> This pic
FUKKEN SAVED WITH THE FURY OF A THOUSAND MOUSE CLICKS

Brother, Why is it that the Rough Rider's Sand Grox is known as the ship of the desert?
>I do not know the answer to this question brother, my knowledge of the feral auxileries of the Imperial Guard appears to be lacking.
Because they are filled with Tallarn Semen.
>GUFFAW

Brother Grim! I have a tale of comedy to tell you!

>Very well.

Why do the Tanith wear kilts?

>I do not know brother, please enlighten me.

Because grox can hear a zipper from a mile away!

>OH MY SECOND HEART! IT CANNOT TAKE IT!

Brother, I have a humorous tale to tell!
> What is it, brother?
An Ultramarine and a Space Wolf are using neighboring stalls in the Lavatorium. When they are finished, the Ultramarine proceeds to cleanse his hands. The Space Wolf exits the Lavatorium without washing. When the Ultramarine leaves the Lavatorium, he speaks to the Space Wolf with some disdain. "Brother, on Ultramar we use the Codex Astartes, which teaches us to purify our hands before exiting the Lavatorium."
The Space Wolf scoffs and replies, "Aye, but on Fenris they teach us not to urinate on our hands."
> Ah! Truly a humorous recounting, brother!

Brother Finius?
> Yes Brother Thronus?
A thought has come to me! Do you know the diffrence between a rock and a heretic?
> I admit my ignorance on the matter, please share your wisdom.
The rock doesn't scream and plead to the dark gods when i step on it
*GUFFAW*

>>18156764
VENERABLE BROTHER STATLER, THIS CAMPAIGN IS THE WORST I'VE SEEN IN MY MILLENIA OF SERVICE.
>YOUR POINT COULD NOT BE STATED IN A MORE EFFECTIVE MANNER BROTHER
INDEED. ARE YOU THE SAME AS I IN THE THOUGHT THAT OUR DESPICABLE FOE CANNOT BE ANY MORE INCOMPETENT?
>DOES THE HERETIC ABBADON POSSESS LIMBS THAT EXIST PAST HIS SHOULDERS?
DOHOHOHOHO! YOUR HUMOR CUTS THROUGH ME MORE THAN ANY BEAM OF MELTA FIRE COULD, BROTHER.

Well I think it dies here. It was a bloody good thread.

My helmet to you all.

Someone with art skills draw a marine being pulled off-stage with the classic long walking-stick to close the thread.

>>18137611
>my sides
>this thread
i demand thousand puns be created by /tg/

Brother Brewulf, surely you have heard of good Brother Arnulf whose entire left side was devoured by a vile carnifex!
>Indee, brother! A memorable tale!
Well, I heard he's all right now!
> ROARING LAUGHTER.jpg

Brother, have you heard of the fate of battle-brother Fenix who had to devour a thousand imperial coins to trick a demon?
> Truly a great man, albeit this act has severely damaged his innard. Last I heard he was lying in the Apothecarium. How is he?
No change yet.
> Emperor save my burning sides!

>>18146412

Brother Cleesias : 'Ello. I wish to register a complaint.

(The Techmarine Brother Palinus has his back to the register and does not respond.)

Brother Cleesias : 'Ello, Miss?

Techmarine Brother Palinus : (turning around, very angry) What do you mean, "miss"?

Brother-Captain Cleesias : I'm sorry, I have a cold.

(The Techmarine nods, understanding.)

Brother Cleesias : I wish to make a complaint!

Brother Palinus : (hurriedly) Sorry, we're closin' for lunch...!

Brother Cleesias : Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Dreadnought, what I requisitioned not half an hour ago from this very forge.

Brother Palinus : Oh yes, the, ah, Venerable Brother Norwegias... What's, ah... W-what's wrong with it?

Brother Cleesias : I'll tell you what's wrong with it, Brother! It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.

Brother Palinus : No, no, 'e's ah... he's resting.

Brother Cleesias : Look, matey, I know a dead Dreadnought when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Brother Palinus : No no, h-he's not dead, he's, he's restin'!

Brother Cleesias : Restin'?

Brother Palinus : Y-yeah, restin.' Remarkable veteran, Venerable Brother Norwegias, isn't he, eh? Beautiful coffin!

Brother Cleesias : The coffin don't enter into it. It's stone dead!

Brother Palinus : Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

>>18160039

Brother Cleesias : All right then, if he's resting, I'll wake him up!

(shouting at the cage)

'Ello, Brother! Brother Dreadnought! I've got a lovely fresh xenon for you to kill if you wake up, Mr. Dreadnought...

(Techmarine Brother Palinus hits the Dreadnought on the arm)

Brother Palinus : There, he moved!

Brother Cleesias : No, he didn't, that was you pushing!

Brother Palinus : I never!!

Brother Cleesias : Yes, you did!

Brother Palinus : I never, never....

(He pulls the coffin out of the Dreadnought and screams into its opening.)

Brother Cleesias : 'ELLO BROTHEEEER! BROTHER! BROTHER DREADNOUGHT! WAKE UP!

(He bangs the coffin against a Rhino, horribly hard.)

TESTIIIING! TESTIIIING! THIS IS YOUR NINE-O' CLOCK ALARM CALL!

(He does it again, harder.)

BROTHEEEEEER!

(He tosses it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor. Longish pause.)

Now that's what I call a dead Dreadnought.

Brother Palinus : No, no.... No, he's stunned.

Brother Cleesias : STUNNED?

Brother Palinus : Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Brother Norwegias stuns easily, major.

Brother Cleesias : Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That Dreadnought is definitely deceased, and when I bought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long decade of service in the Emperor's name.

>>18160042

Brother Palinus : Well, he's... he's, ah... probably pining for the throne.

(Cleesias looks angrily back and forth, stuttering.)

Brother Cleesias : PININ' for the THRONE? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im online?

Brother Palinus : Venerable Brother Norwegias prefers kippin' on 'is back! Remarkable Dreadnought, isn't he, Brother, eh? Lovely coffin!

Brother Cleesias : (coldly) Look, I took the liberty of examining that Dreadnought when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that he had been looking out of his coffin in the first place was that he had been NAILED there.

(pause)

Brother Palinus : Well, of course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that Brother down, he would have nuzzled up to those bars, and VOOM!

Brother Cleesias : "VOOM?"

(Cleesias puts the coffin down and indicates the Marine inside.)

Brother Cleesias : Look matey, this Dreadnought wouldn't "voom" if you put four thousand volts through it! It's bleedin' demised!

Techmarine Brother Palinus : It's not! I-It's pining!

Brother Cleesias : It's not pinin,' it's passed on! This Dreadnought is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! This is a late Dreadnought! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to the coffin he would be pushing up the daisies! Its metabolical processes are of interest only to historians! It's hopped the twig! It's shuffled off this mortal coil! It's run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! This.... is an EX-Dreadnought!

(pause)

Brother Palinus : Well, I'd better replace it, then.

(He disappears behind the counter.)

Brother Cleesias : (turning to camera) If you want to get anything done in this crusade you've got to complain 'til you're blue in the mouth.

>>18160039
>>18160042
>>18160046

>>18160046

>PININ' for the THRONE

GUFFAWBUMP

Oh gods...the dead dreadnaught sketch...emperor preserve me...it's too much!

>>18135304
More like
>"Poor Brother-Captain Skelton. His impressionist skills were simply too powerful; the Inquisitor did not understand."
"Indeed Brother, his great deeds shall be written in the Libris Comedius. The great extent to which he went to bring his jokes to life shall be remembered!"
>"Indeed, even the techmarines commented that his Alpha Legionaire costume was near perfect, even down to the tattoos and mutations!"
"So were the joke-pamphlets he has handed to all the hive cities we have visited in the last hundred years! ALL HAIL BROTHER-CAPTAIN SKELTON!"

MY SIDES

MY RIBS

>>18132665
I know I'm late to the party, but I think their Chaplain should be named "Charlamagne", or some way to fit "Charlie" in there.