>downloaded my brain into a non-magical computer in college
>own an apartment building, all the tenants are non-humans
>work as a consultant for a largely non-human R&D company

Yeah, I got interesting stories.

A friend of mine bought his hash from a wizard back in college. Technically, he was human. But you know wizards, even the human ones are... strange. Anyway, that stuff was cash as fuck.

>>17272040
dude...I know Dave!
shit, I live with the guy. To manage the rent see...

not living with with them but here's a non human co-worker story.

>working shitty service industry job at liquor store.
>working night shift with gangly as fuck half orc dude named Eddie.
>Eddie is in the back, I'm at counter, suddenly guy comes in and sticks a gun in my face.
>I'm nervously emptying the register when all of a sudden Eddie appears right behind the guy, picks him up and throws him at the window
>guy smashes through the window dents the shit out of the security shutters.
>guy is out cold, broken glass all over the fucking place, Eddie just looks at me and shrugs.

I have a few other stories about that guy, he's chill as fuck but I've seen him fuck shit up on a few occasions.

My Step-Aunt is a half-ogre. She's a drunk, rambunctious, plays a mean hand of poker, and bailed me out of jail when I got caught drunk driving at the age of 15.

Say what you will about their hygeine, Ogrekin are fucking bros on a whole different level.

>>17272895

Yeah, half orcs always seem to get a bad rep for being unreasonably violent and stupid or some shit. But all the half orcs I've met are really chill guys with very nice dispositions.

Like this one half orc buddy of mine, Jose, is a Buddhist monk.

I swear, the other day, I saw him sitting in a park with all these little birds hanging around him, all Disney-like.

Went to school with a couple of elves. My parents kept inviting them over because they "always look so lonely." I tell you, they didn't WANT to be around anybody. Always whispering together in their own language and clamming up around humans.

One of my best bros was a half-elf though. Parents were divorced, lived with his dad. Every other Monday he would be nervous and shaky all day.

>>17273028
>>17273028
>little birds hanging around him, all Disney-like.

birds are sluts, they just wanted food

>Stalked by a Yukionna in my youth
>Clothes keep cracking
Ended up banned from all clothes stores I could think off

Worth it

Humans? I love Humans! They have such soft skin and compact bodies, really such a wonder of nature that something so fragile could reach our own level of civilization.
They're so friendly and inquisitive too! Why, the number of unlikeable Humans I have met I can count on two stalks, the same two stalks I mashed them to bits with! And the friendly Humans thanked me for it too. You won't get that kind of respect for justice from the other sapients living here, that's for sure.
I think that some Humans feel the same way about us. Did I tell you about the time I was courted by a Human? I almost bonded with it I did, but I decided that I wanted a family someday so that sort of relationship wouldn't work for me. We're still in contact though... I've actually been reconsidering its offer lately. I mean, we can always adopt a family, right? Do you remember my friend from the Ring? They're intimate outside of their species, and they actually had the idea to power a synthetic with their joint essence. Doesn't that sound like a funny family?

Yessss... zis zread has potential...

What are all you non humans gathering for?

>>17273123
and...what the fuck are you again?

>>17273123

>stalks

Are you a flowerperson?

So hey, I met this girl online....

We talk back and forth, We sent pics back and forth, and then I suggested we meet in person.

She didn't talk to me for a few days, and then admitted she was a Teifling. Apparently she got a lot of shit growing up, always wears hats to cover it up...

So now she's convinced herself I'll never ant to see her again, even though she's beautiful, loves my hobbies, and I give no shits about her heritage.

Advice?

>>17273313

Tell her all of that? It doesn't seem too difficult to do that.

>>17273231
>>17273290
Hey I think these Humans are coming on to you.

My roomate is a elf. With a goatee. Apparently this is horrible fashion for elves, and they kept mocking him. Sad really, it looks awesome on him. Popular with the dwarves though, if nothing else because elves with beards are essentially to them like a murderer who repented and gave all his goods to charity while saving 16 lives.

I hate goblins. Now, I'm one quarter elf myself. But that's not really important.

When I was in college, I lived In a shitty dorm. My roommate was this Orc named Chad. Total fratboy. But he wasn't actually In a frat, he just went to all their parties. Across the hall from us were these goblins. I thnk they were brothers.

Anyway, one night Chad was out on one of his famous benders and I was in the room with my boyfriend. Yes, I'm gay. Har har elf genes hurr hurr hurr. He's a human, with some outsider blood waaaaay back. His great great great great great grandma was some sort of thing. I forget what she was exactly. Chaotic something. Anyway. So he and I were studying (we actually were. I swear) when we hear this bang. The gobbos had blocked the door with a couch and were yelling at us. Then they opened the door slightly and three a tear gas grenade in. Yep. We were stuck in there until Chad came back like three hours later. Had to hide under the blankets and breathe as little as possible.

So that's why I hate gobbos.

>>17273350

I'm not a human. I'm also a flowerperson... with a flowerperson fetish... studying flowerpersonology... yeah.

They kill the guardsmen I serve with OP

what do YOU think I think of them?

>>17273345

I've tried.

She doesn't really seem to believe me.

I looked into where she said she was from, and well, not pretty. Saying 'horrible racist fucks' isn't even enough to begin.

>>17273123
Thri-Kreen, I assume?

My roommate in college dated a Thri-Kreen for a few months. They eventually broke up, apparently she was taking things way to quickly for his tastes, talking about marriage and all that. It wasn't really her fault though, it turns out they only live about 30 years.
Nice girl, tough, very polite. She knew next to nothing about human culture though, but her awkwardness was really more endearing than anything. Very booksmart though, she was a psionic as well.
I could only imagine what it was like when she brought him home to meet her parents, though.

My girlfriend's parents don't like me very much...Everytime I come over, her dad just sizes me up, and her mom is just very suffocating.

I guess it can't be helped. She is a Lamia after all.

At least I get to see her when I go to McDonalds, since she works the drive-thru. But her Orc manager just gives me the stink-eye when I come through...

leave home to go to university
go mountains to fish during weekends to relax
meet kitsune girl
start relationship
can only see her on weekends
get big ass box in the mail
open it
she's inside

she missed me so much she mailed herself to me
pic related, it's her

Wizardfag, reporting in. Got an apprenticeship to a gnoll. Its kinda wierd as fuck. He gets stalked by furries and I just sorta have to put up with it when he gets pissy about it.

>>17273371
Fuck you, my gf is a goblin. Well, half-goblin. One thing I'll give you, you can't live with one. It's not really the pranks, it's like she drank a gallon of coffee and went diving in a sugar factory afterwards. All day erry day. You should see my computer, though. Eats more power than a small village and looks like a car crashed into a tesla coil, but man does it run.

Anyone have any idea how to take care of a pseudonatural creature? I am not even sure what this thing is.

Pic related, it's collar had the name Gil'thyx.

>>17273405

You better claim that girl son

Once had a halfling girlfriend. Nearly got put on the Sex-offenders list.

>>17273421
You're a shitty wizard, you know that? Look up some minor hexes and fix the problem.

Heh heh... polymorph.

>>17273450
Sorcerer friend says it's a young Greater Daemon. Get rid of it ASAP. You can find help with that at your local mage guild or Inquisitorial office.

I'm renting out an apartment in the mountain homes, Dwarves may be racist as shit to Elves but otherwise they are complete bros. Been here for two years and I've had thirteen random people pull me into some giant drinking party. Also, I can drink AT WORK! Best. Boss. Ever.

>>17273452
done and done.

>ctrl-F: heresy
>0 results

It's like I'm on some sort of bizarro /tg/.

I need help, guys...

I'm in love with a Medusa.

>>17273491
Eh, if your dick's rock hard for her it's not like we can do anything.

>>17273491
What's the problem? can't find her cloaca?

>>17273498
>>17273505

>>17273498
Now that's just stone cold.

>>17273491
Unless you feel like wearing a blindfold every time you look at her, your screwed.

Then again, polymorph.

I used to live next door to a family of aboriginals with like 10 kids. They stole our car and parked it at a relatives house like 4 streets away. One of them also threw an axe at my sister.

>>17273491
Reflective sunglasses?

>>17273498
>>17273505
>>17273508
>>17273512
>>17273513
there is no hope left in man.... Thanks anyway, guys

>>17273491
If you really wanna make it work, go take some courses in psionics. Its a little known power but a useful one, steady gaze I think, that will let you find out what color her eyes are, among other bonding experiences.

>>17273468
Can't really do anything about it because we meet on campus. The managment is fucking nuts over no spells on campus outside of the designated training zone.

Once had a teacher named Mr. Burnish. He was really tall and had these weird gold eyes. So one day I'm just taking a walk in the woods when a freaking gold-dragon swoops down from the sky and lands in the clearing not that far off. As I watch, it shrinks down and turns into Mr. Burnish. My Draconic teacher was actually a dragon.

>>17273523
But... wouldn't that kill her?

>>17273530
God, I don't think I have the skills for that... Charisma is my only attribute above 10.

>>17273405

sauce?

>>17273544
So then go get emotional with it, I know a few wilders and aside from the occasional mood swing they're alright people. If what you really want is to be closer to her, it'll be one of the powers you push out. Sure you'll have to deal with the bullshit from "classically educated" Psions and the like, but eh, you get the same shit from wizards if you're not a book learner anyway.

>>17273544
Dunno, my pair never seemed to kill any. And I'm not a pile of rocks. Perhaps the reflection has to be big enough or something.

>>17272070
Sorry, connection was down.

>Using robot body for telepresence at [R&D Company]
>Very basic, sleek, not a lot of useless design features. Practical is the word.
>Warforged engineers keep coming on to me (male-identified and female-identified)
>Tiefling boss keeps asking me to come into her office, then telling me to leave so she can look at my backside
>Dwarf and Gnome females stare at me all day long

I mean, sure it's humanoid shaped, but it's a bunch of metal and wires! How is that sexy to anyone?

I've since switched over to a spider-ish drone, but the Drow...

>>17273491
so fun fact I learned: severe astigmatism, even when corrected with lenses, doesn't actually count as "seeing" Gorgons. So if you've got really bad eyesight, you're good to go.

Although if anyone you know learns your eyesight is bad enough to render you immune to Harmful Sensation, and happens to get an infestation of basilisks under their porch, you WILL be conscripted to exterminate them. I cannot tell you how awful last summer was. 3 separate occasions. pouring gasoline into the burrow-hole and then whacking whatever comes out with a claw hammer.

still, bro paid me in beer. and none of this weak pilsner fuckshit. Double Hops DPA. almost made it worth it. Better than your gnomish grandmother calling you up to troubleshoot her goddamn 10 year old Mac because she accidentally unplugged the printer.

>>17273548
just one of our weekends alone in the mountains

>>17273583
Go with a floating orb. Only thing you'll have to worry about are will'o wisps

>>17273583

Pic related?

Has anyone heard what it looks like the ruling is going to be on the lower depths vrs Septus case? Would be nice to know how legal my various summon/binding spells are going to be, never mind my eidolon friend.
And yes I know outsiders are people to, I'm always happy to bargain with the ones I call up and send them right home if they're not in the mood to deal.

>>17273564
Okay. Thanks for your help. I hope this can bridge the gap in our relationship.

>>17273580
Fantastic, I had no idea that this worked. You're both lifesavers (literally)!

>>17273583

Turns out that this is one constant across all species: engineers are creepy fucks

Brunk self-concious about weight, go to ask pinkskin how they so thin. pinksin yells at brunk and more pinkskins come and attack brunk. brunk only kill one at first. then another. then all pinkskins dead.

today good day.

>>17273593
I'd rather help my grandma. At least she doesn't have teeth and claws.

>>17273599
My suit is a bit less fashionable than those, but kinda.

>>17273598
But then how will I open doors? There's a strict no magic/psionic policy when working in the Test Labs.

>>17273623
Brunk? You may wanna lay low for a while. Stay at a relative's place. Stay off the internet. Okay?

>>17273623

You should fight! Fighting is excercise and excercise makes you thin and strong!

I'm helping!

I dunno if this counts as other races, But I'm taking engineering and there is this know-it-all Warforged in my major. Fucker is in all my classes, taking like 40 credits, barely sleeps, always in the labs...

Thing is, he knows everything already, but can't get work in our country without that diploma.

"No Professor, Is incorrect. Da, allow me to demonstrate, if you would look inside my chest..."

>>17273623
Wrestle bears. Bears are stronger than people, so you'll lose weight faster from fighting.

>>17273642

brunk not scared. brunk got smasha, and pinksins small and soft.

>>17273644

you smart. brunk smoosh you last.

>>17273629
teeth and claws are no big deal. And you know basilisks aren't rabid, so as long as you don't have to worry about stone gaze, it's like an ornery iguana.

and again, paid in beer, instead of guilt trips.

anyway, speaking of gnomish heritage, there's this halfling barista at the Kaldi's near me. She's super flirty all the time. I mean, halfling, yeah, they're like that, but I think she might be into me.

anyone know is there some kind of mindblock or mnemonic you can teach me so I don't feel like a pedo talking to her?

So I just recently enrolled in a practical summoning course (trying to get the damn outer studies credits done with) and apparently I've all the right signs of being able to bind with an Eidilon and take up a full summoner scholarship.
Thing is... well frankly most outsiders creep me out, and we've all seen the news stories about things like a succubus or elemental getting out of control and the like.
Is it worth it? and will I have any say in the Eidilon that binds to me, or is it just a crap shoot?

>>17273668
Pinkskins haves guns. Have you ever seen what happens when a .50 adamantium round makes contact with flesh?

Vapor.

>>17273633
Add an assembly of mechanical arms and stuff. Should work pretty well. Or build a robotic body that isn't attractive. Go with the whole battle-droid thing.

>>17273685
its the proportions man, just get a good picture of her and put it next to a kid and you'll see the difference, memorize it, get used to it. Will also save your ass in future if you start trying to pick up on halflings/gnomes so you don't accidentally proposition jailbait.

>>17273685
keep focused on her tits

gnomes and halfing women have suprisingly huge racks for thier size. helps me get over any pedo guilt I first had when I started dating them

>>17273689
if you don't choose one one is chosen for you (don't ask me by who, if it's the gods they're staying quiet). people only lose control of their eidolons if their idiots or try to bind something too powerful (succubi are popular, elementals can be bound but people always want the giant fucking ones)

>>17273583
More storytime:

>working on prototype Demiplane creation device
>I'm a consultant, but I still end up doing most of the work (fuck my career choice)
>Dumbass intern walks in carrying a bunch of coffee
>Spills it all over the table, I go to clean it up
>Intern bumps into me while I'm trying to get napkins, knocks me over (was minotaur)
>tries to clean the device, gets electrocuted, crushes it
>I get blamed when it catches on fire and everyone has to leave the building
>Minotaur chick gets no blame at all

Apparently her father is a shareholder, but COME THE FUCK ON. She destroyed three weeks of work and then burned down half the lab!

>>17273685
Look up "Benny Mardones' disciplines". Or just listen to his song, Into the Night. Eitherway you will stop feeling pedoish.

>>17273689
Jeez, racist much?
>>>/n/ is that way.
I'm suprised you didn't throw in some more slurs, you ron paul motherfucker.

>>17273735
WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T SUMMON A SUCCUBUS! BY BOCCOB, THAT WAS HORRIBLE!

>>17273728
good lord I love halfling women....

>work at some crappy chinese restaurant
>this one goofy old guy who never shuts up is here every day, never orders anything but tea and rice
>end of day, closing up shop
>three half orcs come in and try to rob everyone
>old guy starts joking around with them when they try to take his wallet
>one of them takes a swing at him with a switchblade
>old guy dodges it effortlessly, seconds later all three of them are thoroughly incapacitated
Fucking monks, man.

So, Im trying to get this straight. I have a ship in a bottle, placed there with a shrink and then enlarge spell. I sort off forgot my staff on the boat. Safest method of extraction?

So, umm, guys, I was talking to this drow chick once and she invited me over. Thing is that, you know the whole drow female dominiatrix thing? I'm not into that and I'm scared to take her up on the offer. But I really like her, and we actually get along really well, we have the same interests and stuff. It's just that she was wearing a leather corset and leather pants and a leather vest, and I'm fairly certain there was a whip in her purse.

What do?

>>17273753
I'm not trying to be racist I'm being honest.
I grew up in a closed community where the closest we had to a non-human was the midget who helped keep the electric fences running. I got out of there as soon as I turned 18.
That's why I'm considering the courses and scholarship even though it freaks me out. Both to help with student loans, and to get over my fears of outsiders and the like.

>>17273735
Chosen for me? Well, I guess I'll try to go into with a good idea of what I'd like for a lifelong companion then, someone I can take out drinking and the like, though fuck looking normal enough for my folks, never going back there.

>>17273798
Shrink, remove, enlarge, grab staff, shrink, replace, enlarge again.

>>17273798
simple..shrink yorself..go in..grab it..come out..enlarge...simple

>>17273798
Telekinesis or prestidigitation, you're a bloody wizard, do the wizardy things.

>>17273633

I think you're perfect the way you are. Call me!

>>17273813
Tell her you're not into that, and that if she wants to do that she can do it with somebody else.

Not that hard.

>>17273798
If you can't quite do the right magic without your staff, I think you should probably get some professional assistance.

>>17273813
yeah chances are you will ned up nakid and licking her boots

give it a shot though. Its kinda fun!

>have lizardfolk roommate freshman year of college
>doesn't put up with my bringing anyone home because he's a crazy light sleeper and, quote, "Human sex sounds like a fleshy car crash."
>no girl I meet will let me go to her place to screw
>suddenly, January
>very frustrated
>one day, stroke of genius
>come home with girl while roommate is asleep
>open window on his side of the room to let in cold air
>he sleeps through me having the noisiest sex of my life
>close window after girl leaves
>next morning he says he slept like a log
>continue to do this 2-3 times a week for rest of winter

I actually ended up drunkenly telling him about it the day he moved out for the year. He didn't know whether to be pissed or thank me for the consideration.

>>17273841
I have little dignity as is.

But I REALLY like her...

>>17273813
very important. is she a worshipper of elistrae?

>>17273813
>>17273827

Go over there.

Act surprised when/if she pulls out the kinky stuff.

Say that you didn't know she was into that.

>>17273712
Like this?

>>17273825
NOPE

>>17273813
Let's be serious (and make some assumptions that aren't necessarily true on the internet). You're both adults here, and as such you should probably talk things over. My suggestion is, if you do get into it with her, convince her to do it her way once and your way once. If either of you ends up taking a liking to the other way, you're set. If not, move on. It's not that hard. Chances are she'll be unused to your way of doing things due to being raised in a different culture, and she might find it new and interesting.

I've got an Angel roomate. Like Elder Angel, not one of the humanoid ones. It's a real bitch whenever someone comes over and freaks out while he yells "BE NOT AFRAID".

>>17273871
i didn't even know old angels bothered with housing and stuff, i thought they were just always working for their god boss

>University is out of town
>On-campus accomodation, fuck
>Due to admin stuffup, in the elf dorm
>only human in a dorm full of elves
>that feel when they're all like 150+
>that feel when hot drow room-mate
>that feel when hot drow room-mate is a druid
>mfw webbed to the bed in the morning

>>17273866
Woooah. Dayumn. I'd love to frim in your frim fram until the shield generator is destroyed.

>>17273740
>Minotaur chick
Try and get some apology-sex from her. Trust me, it'll be worth everything that happened.

>>17273887
In this economy seniority is quickly meaning nothing. Sometimes you gotta start back from the bottom.

>>17273813
>>17273827
>>17273841
>>17273851
>>17273853
>>17273857

Here's what you do.

Take her out to a nice romantic dinner.

Dancing, lovely stuff.

Take her home, take her hand, and kiss it.

Tell her you had a lovely evening, and that you wanted to do it again if she would give you the honor.

Get a mutual friend to tell her you aren't into the really kinky stuff.

BAM! She wants that, and knows you don't swing to the hardcore end of the line.

Inept wizard is inept. Or simply doesn't have the space to re-enlarge his ship. (Telekinesis is the best way to go.)

So, Im looking into purchasing a new staff. Can anyone recomend one which is decent for conjuration and abjeration. I prefer unadorned staffs by the by. Yeah, I know, odd combination.

>>17273793
Pssh, I can one-up that.

Great restaurant in my town (best steak in 100 miles) and the head chef is this really old guy who always has a scowl on his face. One day, I finish up my meal and leave, and on my way home, I see the chef down an ally. Guess he just got off his shift.

So he's walking in front of me by about 50 yards, when suddenly a gnoll jumps out of nowhere and pulls a knife on the old man. The gnoll starts to demand the guy's wallet. Before he even finishes the old guy just pokes the gnoll in the ribs, and the gnoll just fucking disintegrates. Have you ever lit a piece of paper on fire and let it die down til it's just embers? You know the way that little red line of embers will just eat its way through the paper? That fucking happened with the gnoll. Whole thing took like 2 seconds, and I just about shit my pants.

Old guy just keeps walking after that. No way in hell I followed him though, I turned and ran the other way.

Fucking wizards, sorcerers, I don't know. Fuck.

>>17273887
Apparently my flat is built over some sort of sacred holy temple, and he apparently was honourbound to guard the grounds.

>>17273871
That's surprising. All the Elder Angels I know about are, well, Elder. Dawn of Time Elder. I didn't even think that they actually manifested corporeally.

>>17273891
GOD DAMMIT.

I just want to work on my Chrono-engines, you bastards. Fuck.

>In college
>Get Minotaur roommate
>Parties and fights all day er'ry day
He may have been as dumb as a box of rocks, but I got so many free drinks off of him.

>>17273853
I'm not sure. She did have a tattoo of a naked female elf holding a sword though...

>>17273869
Well, the thing is I'm a half-elf and where I come from we're discriminated by both humans and elves. She might actually be the first relationship I've had in the past ten years.

>>17273918
I think the heirachy goes Archangels, who are incorporeal, Elder Angels who are all weird, and Angels who are humanlike. I'm not too sure, have to ask my roomate about it.

>>17273917
Ah, that'd explain it. Odds are he'll be there right up until the end, or at least until the Almighty remembers to reassign him.

>>17273866
That works.

>>17273928
have to agree with this one...had a minotaur buddy of mine I was stationed with when I was in the Navy (the fuck is a mino doing in the navy, how the hell would I know?)Dumb as a box of rocks but he did know how to party. dude had a huge ass family and ALOT of sisters. would always go to his place on the weekends when we were in port. his mom was one hell of a cook by the way

his sisters LOVED humans and thats all Im gonna say on that subject

Sorry if I'm posting in a human thread. Half-Orc here.
I lived with a Kender for three weeks. Now, I don't want to make judgements about an entire race based on one person, but if they were ANYTHING like Brian then I understand where they get the reputation from.
Honestly, I might have been able to put up with his shit if it weren't for my other roommates.
"Oh, well you know what Kenders are like!" they'd say. "Brian's just doing what comes naturally! It's kind of sweet when you think about it."
I don't fucking care, I WANT MY FUCKING TOOTHBRUSH BACK.
No respect for my stuff.
But that wasn't the worst part. I tried to bring a girl back to the apartment (kind of a big deal for me. Most Human women aren't big on the green-skin/tusk combo.)
The little bastard has put tabasco INSIDE the rubbers I keep by my bed and MAGICALLY RESEALED THEM.
He found it much less funny when I punted him out the window. (Regrettably we lived on the first floor).
In the end I moved out even though the contract was for three months. Honestly, it was worth it. I moved back in with my mom for a while. At least she tells me when she takes my food out of the fridge.

>>17273942
something like this? this is ellistraee, she's a drow goddess with a massively different dogma than pretty much every other drow diety. most of her worshippers are much more "docile" (for lack of a better word)

>>17273959
Yeah, I remember him telling me about how when the temple was demolished by a demonic invasion, he couldn't leave the grounds so he eventually built a cottage there and after a few hundred years, someone decided to build a hotel nearby.

>>17273942

>She did have a tattoo of a naked female elf holding a sword though...

You're probably in the clear.

But follow >>17273905

Just in case.

Showing her you know how to treat a lady will take you up by several notches in her book.

>>17273866

Hello sexy!

>>17273871
Ugh I do not envy you that. I've got a halfling roommate and she's a party animal. Beer bottles fucking everywhere, lets her friends sleep on the couches til noon, sometimes just picks up our stuff and walks away with it.

I mean shit, I doubt an angel would be an annoying roommate, but that would be hell to explain to a ladyfriend, or really anyone for that matter.

>>17273942
Still comes down to talking. Not to be racist or anything, bro, but (and this is just going by statistics, nothing racist about it) half-elves are generally better conversationalists than normal humans.

>Airhead angel childhood friend
>Keep getting herself in some outlandish situation, talking tabletob stuff
>Always pull her out of it

You know, I think SOMETHING is watching over her, or me, to allow this magnificent timing.

I mean fuck last time a drow tried to make her ``adult`` and I had to bust in with a big flashlight.

>>17273910
Eeeeh, going to be a bit hard to find something to your tastes, usually the conjuration and abjuration spells require foci that they stick onto the staff for ease of use purposes.
Maybe you can find one of those fancy new internalized staves, though I'd say to deal with it and get a proper externals staff.

>>17273999
>>17273988
>>17273985

Thanks guys, well, here goes nothing.

>>17273920
Alright, maybe I'm overreacting. Just sick of dealing with people in Meatspace.

Anyways, more stories:

>New tenants at apartment building
>Is bunch of mixed-race college kids
>Always making lots of noise, am glad I soundproofed the apartment before they moved in
>One day, go to collect the rent
>Door is open, place is trashed
>See Naga girl strangling and tasting Gnoll boy while jacking him off
>Taser Naga, boy passes out, I call the cops
>Wait outside while the cops defuse the situation
>They leave without arresting anyone

Apparently that was the Gnoll's festish...

>>17273994
yea but imagine if you were trying to impress an aasimar or niphelim girl. being roommates/friends with an angel, and an elder one at that, would earn you massive respect

Man, my buddies an Aasimar. Great-Grand-Pappy was some sort of angel. All of his relatives are the typical golden haired prettyboys and beautiful women, but him? He got fucked over. He got grandpappys OLD SCHOOL angel genes.

So he's got like, three fucking heads and eyes growing out of his fingertips and shoulderblades and he has his ID on him at all times just to prove he's not a tiefling or a failed magical experiment on the loose.

He's a great guy, really religious, plays fun tabletop. Only online though, he's kinda shy in person. The shit he goes through though...

>>17273985
Be warned, though; Eilastraee is still a pretty female-oriented goddess. Her male priests actually turn themselves into women with magic as a sort of religious devotion; you may want to be sure the object of your affections isn't one of them.

>>17273813
See, you need to figure out if she really wants you to be submissive or if she's just probing you to see if you'll resist her and dominate her.
Either way.. you're probably going to have to take one up your backside to figure her out, the first session is probably going to go in her favor anyway, she has the advantage.
Try little things at first. Serve her whims, but embrace her firmly. See which way she's tilting. If she's really that sadistic you might be able to get away with just making her feel powerful and in control without actually getting into the hardcore stuff. You know, dote on her, tell her you need her, that sort of thing.
But maybe she wants to make sure you've got the guts worthy of her ichor, so to speak. If she looks like she's getting bored with your subservient behavior, maybe you should try taking the initiative? Take control and make her do things your way instead of letting her tell you what to do? If you really care for her then surely your earnest desire to pleasure her will get through? What have you got to lose?

>>17274011
Fucking minor angels. They ain't smart enough to actually serve the gods well. I remember Uriel (That Elder Angel I live with) dating one for a while. They broke up because of this sorta stuff.

>>17273910
Now here's the question, how much do you have to spend? You can get a pretty good gaudy-as-fuck staff for pretty cheap, especially if you can get a used one (and make sure you test it first), or you can spend a lot more for an understated one. Either way your best bet is to shop around, talk to people and have them talk to people.

Next great story from college
>In Elven Studies (yeah, I know)
>Anti-human shit EVERYWHERE
>Teacher is anti-human
>Only human in the class
>Talk about the Human-Elf War
Oh the looks on their faces. Truly priceless.

So guys, The other day a golem followed me home and now it won't leave me alone. wat do

>>17274057
Elaborate.

>roomate is a "female" warforged
>actually pretty cute for what is essentially a magic robot
>sexy as fuck voice
>hang out all the time
>she wants to fuck
>but can't
fuck this gay earth

>>17274062
oh hell yeah...Golems are true bros if they like you and you know what thier command words are. rest asured if you figure that out then noone will ever steal from your place.

>>17274068
Sounds like you need to make a clandestine visit to the resident wizard's lab. I bet you they would fucking pay you for a chance to try to figure out a way to give that girl a vagina.

>>17274068
not exactly the cheapest option but there are specialized fleshlights that warforged can have installed

>>17274068
Anonymously contact a golem artificer. Making constructs anatomically correct is suprisingly common.

>>17274068
Buy a strapon.
Problem solved.

>Have cute naga best friend I've known since childhood
>And a massive vore fetish/submissive streak
>She thinks the whole thing is the grossest shit

Son of a BITCH.
Every day is the worst fucking kind of tease.

>>17274046

Eh I grew up with her.

Frankly I think I like her, I've put up with all this kind of stuff for YEARS.

Just, maybe I should try some luck charm or something? Not like I should hound her every step to avoid another damn kidnapping.

So, how about that fireballing in Orlando yesterday? Utter failure of police mages to stop the SOB, or was he really that good?

>>17274087
I dated one warforged for a coupel of weeks who had several of those fleshlights equiped as well as dildos.

a bit freaky really.

>>17274068
There's a specialized magic absorbing rune you can have installed for this sort of thing.

You'll be numb for a while afterwords though, but take it from me it will be worth it and your Warforged partner will experience things they didn't think possible.

>>17274067
Alright. So we got this Elf called Green. Stupid as fuck name, I know. Probably the BIGGEST pro-Elf treefucker I have ever met. To make it worse? He was the apple of the teachers eye. Shit sucked. Whatever Green said, EVERYBODY agreed with.

So the Human-Elf War, the FIRST one, comes up in class. And Green starts slamming the Humanity First policy, the Poliaski Manifesto, the Revolution of 2279, the whole nine yards. I then decide to slam the Elves and their Terra First movement, the Anti-Drow Coalition. Fuck, I even had to remind Green that his great-great-GREAT-grandfather was Drow. Entire class hated me because I called out their favorite like that. Good thing I had my MinoBRO roommate with me 24/7, or else I'd have been lynched.

>>17274107
He was using a Stealth Hex, so they only found out about it through non-magical means. Did the best they could, bro.

Fuckin' troll chick moved in next door. She's a total swamp hag, twice my height, and bright fucking blue. She's even got a pet WOLF, I shit you not, not even domesticated in any way that she keeps around. And she keeps visiting every fucking day and bringing along sweets and shit, and talking about how I'm "So skinny" and need to "Gain some weight, get nice and plump."

She thinks I can't tell she's trying to fatten me up for the stew pot?
There ought to be a fucking law.

>>17274132
she wants to fuck

Who the hell decided to invent angel golems anyway? That shit is wack.

>>17274132
Oooooor she just has a thing for chubby guys and wants to fuck.

Don't always assume trolls want to eat your ass man.

This thread is being monitored.

>>17274132

Are the sweets delicious?

>>17274151
>wants to fuck
>eat your ass
Can't it be both?

>>17274151
Bro, it's a troll. All they want to do is eat people. It IS what they do after all.

Seriously brosephionis, you should make sure she doesn't kill you or anything. How does she keep a fucking WOLF in a residential area anyways?

>>17274118
Brave. Very brave.
I remember in a Philosophy debate one of the only Gnolls in the University stood up and have a three minute speech on the advantages of Human Sacrifice.
The debate pretty much ended there.
I actually felt kind of sorry for the guy. It must've been hard enough for him to make friends before that.

>>17274151
depends..are neighborhood animals disaparing?

if so then yeah probley wants to eat you

if not then chances are she thinks your cute

>>17274158
I see what you did there.

So I met this really nice girl over the net, right? We have all the same interests, we both love history, painting, cooking, all that jazz. We click, and I really fucking love her company, even if it's only through a text based medium.

So, I broached the topic of meeting her offline, since she said she lives in Iceland and I'm going to be visiting family next month in Keflavik.

She reveals that she's a fucking Kraken.

What do I do?

>>17274032
>festish
Fetish, sorry. But not really.

More storytiem:
>Hire immigrant workers from the Abyss to help clean up the complex after New Years
>A bunch of them hang out after they're done, no big deal, they deserve it
>The next day, they're still there
>Ask them to leave
>They refuse, SUMMON MORE, all with gang tattoos
>My property is becoming a gang hideout
>About to call the police when thirty Archons storm the place
>Everybody's getting banished!
>Have to hire more people to fix the damage they did
>never hire migrant workers again

My girlfriend is a cleric of Pelor. She only does it missionary style. Help to get some change?

I hear that Trolls become more beautiful if you fuck them.

Fairy tale bullshit I say.

>>17274179
polymorph man, polymorph is the godsend of interracial dating in this day and age.

>>17274166
Yeah the Elves weren't too happy after that.
Can anyone confirm or deny whether colleges give free credits to monstrous races? Because MinoBRO, fun as he is, shouldn't still be here. It's been TWO years. And he has failed almost EVERY single class he's taken.

How the fuck is he still allowed to enroll?

>>17274145
other angels. more souls tend to wind up in the lower planes and they needed to fill out their armies.

>>17274179

Water-breathing and engalrgement spells out the ass.

>Captcha: ngemlv what

>>17274179
You need to hit that, Anon.

Do it for all of us.

>>17274179

Does she have blue hair?

>>17274179
Buy a diving suit.

>>17274100
You'd like the girl from >>17274032

>>17274163

They're actually quite great and she's interesting enough to talk to. She revealed she's a hardcore gamer, really into the old school Dungeons and Dragons and Labyrinth Lord.

But you know what? I've sorta noticed that THREE fucking people have "Moved out" and she's just getting bigger.

Not like fat, but just...bigger.

>>17274183
Sounds like those Archons were a godsend.

>>17274179
Internet underwater?

>>17274214

>>17274219
Hey, Magic-Google got servers into the Underdark and the Outer Planes. Why not underwater?

>>17274211
Wait, that might not be a troll...

>>17274179
>>>/d/
They can help you over there.

>>17274195

Sports scholarship, probably.

>>17274184
what? i thought pelorites were all about bringing happiness to all aspects of life, sex included

>>17274201
Nah man, she's a giant fucking octopus. Like, house-sized.

I mean, I'm not shallow enough that I'd quit talking to her because of being unable to fuck but...

Man, I'm a family man. I really want to have kids someday. And I know everyone's going to say "Adopt", but nobody lets tieflings adopt.

>>17274179
Can't believe no one's said this yet:

Polymorph? I mean hell even if she doesn't want to change permanently, it'll give you two a good chance to the old deep-down kracken-pound.

>>17274196
I know, it's just that they combine the alien mindset of the more powerful angels and golems, resulting in them being so fucking weird.

>>17274244
But get this, MinoBRO is a member of the FENCING team.
A Minotaur. Fencing.
Now I've seen it all.

>>17274234
>>17274211
I think it's a Barghest Whelp. Careful dude, I woulde SERIOUSLY advocate alerting the local IG (Interplanar Guard) and get her evicted.

>>17274253
Wait, are you saying I should polymorph, or her? I mean, that's kind of a big investment...

Going to an orgy. Gnolls, trolls, and orcs. This is going to be interesting.

>>17274195
Half-Orcfag here. I know I got a scholarship from the Warfang Acceptance And Ability Graduation Help society. With it I get a little leeway with my professors on the understanding that I might have trouble from home life (I never knew my Orc father, so there isn't really any danger of that, but I'm not complaining. Free accommodation!) I think there's a similar foundation for Minotaurs. Labyrinth or something.

>>17274263
they were made for war, weird doesn't matter, effectiveness does, and they're pretty damn effective

>>17274271
Before I make the call, what the fuck are those? Never heard of them.

Wait, hold that thought, she's knocking on the door.

>half-eldar psyker roommate
>have had to drive him to the hospital several times because he injures himself for reasons only he can understand
>scary-ass inquisitor shows up once a week to check on him, nearly killed me once because he thought I was tainted by the warp or some shit
>can barely sleep most nights because psyker is in the other room yelling at cosmic horrors
>weird shit happens on a monthly basis, the other day all the meat in my fridge started mutating and inquisitor guy had to come over, drag the whole fridge out to the street, and melt it with a flamethrower
And don't even get me started on the fucking water to blood trick.
The worst part is he has moments of clarity where he actually seems like a really nice person. It's like he realizes how fucked up he has but he's too far gone to do anything about it.

>>17274272
Eh well talk it over with her. If you really love this girl, work something out with her.

Personally? I'd be hard-pressed to find a girl worth it.

>>17274291
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

>>17274179
A thousand times this:>>17274253

Think about it man, she's a KRAKEN. Do you know how many limbs Kraken have? Do you know how many BRAINS Kraken have that are devoted to their limbs? Did you know that Kraken typically only have one mate in their entire life? You might imagine it would be awkward when Kraken have sex, two bumbling virgins with a pile of brains and limbs between them.
Now, imagine if you will, a Kraken trying to have sex after polymorphing into a body with only one centralized brain and only four limbs? Imagine the unmodulated cries of the deep that her unfamiliar lungs and vocal cords exude in ecstasy?

Learn Polymorph, Anon. Show that Kraken the time of her life. Then join her in the North Atlantic for the rest of your days.

Okay, guys? Guys. Guys.

What if, hypothetically, you got drunk, and maybe possibly fucked a succubus, only it wasn't a succubus, but an incubus? How would one go retrieving your soma from a male soma-stealing outsider, if, hypothetically, you were the one doing the fucking, and not him?

Please help, I don't want my angel landlady to find out.

>>17273981
okay, your roommate is not a kender. Just a halfling asshole.

There are tons of people out there who use "kender" as an excuse to be stupid, selfish, and obnoxious. I'm not going to say it's not a real condition. I'm not a psychologist, if the DSM IV says it's a real thing on the autistic spectrum, sure, it exists.

I'm just saying you'll see "kender" on every forum online and most of them are just assholes with poor social skills who have decided that their natural selfishness and untruthfulness are clinical, and not just them having shitty personalities.

I know a guy with a mild case of Kender. he's a pretty agreeable guy, and it's like the guide says: you don't fault him and hold it against him. you still like him, because you can tell he actually can't help it. the "borrowing" thing happens even when he doesn't want it to, and when it isn't in his interest. He once lost a job because he was late because he "borrowed" his own car keys and forgot he fucking had them in his pocket. It's not about cute pranks. It's a real condition and it doesn't need dickheads like your roommate making actual sufferers look bad.

So when your roommate goes to sleep, anally rape him. With the tobasco condoms. Maybe he'll learn to act like a decent person.

little tip. never ever ever piss off the tiefling girl that has had a crush on you since you were kids

Guys, my human room-mate went through a nasty break-up a little while ago. She caught someone on the rebound that, I'm not going to lie, I don't really trust. He seemed okay; I don't know much about humans but she said he was pretty attractive for one, had a good job, all that jazz.

But the thing is, whenever I'm around, he gives me this really unnerving, angry kind of stare, and starts talking to her really tensely. She says he's just not good with strangers, but I think he asked her for a key the other day.

I... think he may be a Zarist, and I really don't want him to have unfettered access to our apartment, but I don't want to freak my roomie out or insult her boyfriend. What do I do?

>>17274291

Tell us what delicious treats she brought!

I sit next to a cute drow in Applications of Math in Wizardry and I think she's totally in to me. However I'm afraid to ask her out. Is she going to sacrifice me to the spider queen on the first date or what? I'm not really sure what to expect, anyone with any experience dating dark elves? She seems perfect but I've already had weird experience dating non-humans (tried dating a full blooded orc once, big mistake) and I'd rather learn what I;m getting myself into beforehand.

>>17274316
Call him and ask?

I'd offer you a place in case you get evicted, but I'm still waiting on getting a permit for renting apartments that exist in multiple dimensions.

>>17274316
>Fucked an incubus.
You'll be fine. Incubi impregnate, succubi steal.

>>17274335
Same as >>17273905

i apologize in advance, english not so good
i am young ogre woman who just move in to residential apartments in new york, yeah?
met nice young boy, very skinny. needs to get big and strong. have been going to gym with him, making proper food, telling him what mama and papa taught me.
he nice boy, smart but dumb. reads too many books, doesnt know how to talk to women.

taking him out to bar tonight to get him drunk and set him up with troll friend of mine.

advice for what i should do? want him to feel comfortable.

>>17274335
as was brought up earlier the first step is to find out if she's a worshipper of ellistraee or not

>>17274335
If she's interested in you, I would expect a Dark elf to make the first move

>>17274335
Look, dating a drow is like dating an Israeli.
some of them are religiously backwards and scary, and you should run the fuck away.
But then there's a quiet majority (probably about 60 percent of them) who aren't religiously observant at all and kind of resent the loud, religious minority making them look bad.
and those non-religious israeli/drow?
oh my god. you have no idea how fucking hot.

>>17274328
Fucking sweet, she brought like...these hard licorice candies that are kinda spicy and shepherds pie.

Said she had to leave early today, gave me a kiss on the cheek and apologized for not being able to talk.

For anyone who cares, it worked out pretty well between me and the drow girl I was talking about earlier. We had a nice dinner, took a walk, I even got to kiss her good-bye.

>>17274032
Oh man that reminds me of when I first moved out west. My brother John found me and him this cheap run-down apartment in the bad part of town, we were on the fourth of five floors. So we pull up in his old Oldsmobile and just as I'm getting out there's this loud CRASH and I see this orc, in a pink dress, fly out through a gods-damn window. First floor but still. Anyway, through the hole comes this even bigger green motherfucker, naked as the dark gods made him, and he charges down to where what I assume was a woman with half a wooden chair. She stays down and John's a fucking coward staying in the car until it blows over, so I take it upon myself to flurry to the back of his head. So he goes down and the chick gets up, I ask her if she's okay, and she takes the fucking chair and breaks it over my head while yelling at me "DON'T YOU HURT MY JOE YOU BASTARD". The bitch cradles his head in her hairy arms and whispers to him so I get to the car, yell at John to get into the gods-damned passenger's seat, and drive to the Motel 6 we passed on the way in. Now I'm no racist, but sometimes I wonder why we didn't just get rid of all the orcs when we built this country instead of just most of them.

Ugh have any of you guys run into nonhumans at your FLGSs or the like? When I first came to college, I went to the tabletop gaming club and it was a horrorshow. Maybe like two other humans there, and the rest are gnolls, trolls, goblins, you name it. The humans seemed just as cantankerous and insane as everyone else too. The only cool guy there was a kobold. Seemed like the kinda guy who had trouble making friends anywhere else.

Got out of that shithole asap though.

>>17274360
Note, he might not actually like trolls. Careful.

>>17274407
>>17274400
to Dis with both of you, probably the same type of people who think mandatory at birth polymorphs are a good idea.

Guys, never go fishing with a mermaid.

I caught myself a fucking 2 footer while we were off over deep waters, I go to get the camera, and I come back to her swallowing the fucking thing whole.

I didn't catch ANYTHING else the entire time.

>>17274407
Must have been a Warmahammerhordes store

avoid them like the plauge and just find a traditional LGS. the one I go to is owned by a centaur. always willing to order stuff we want and willing to teach new players games. a real chill bro.

one of the biggest D&D nights is hosted by a full blood orc. bit highstrung at times but man can he tell a tale.

>>17274358
>>17274365
Thanks for the advice gentlemen, no idea how I missed the previous posts. If I get sacrificed in pursuit of exotic bitches nobody will be disappointed. At any rate I'm sure it'll go better than my friend's attempt to seduce an illithid.

new neighbors move in next door
they're felids
single mom with son and daughter
daughter develops a crush on me, can't turn her down without breaking her heart
starts bringing me "presents"

>>17274382
Here, go buy a scroll of Replanar Adjustment then cast it on her when she isn't looking. if she's a Barghest, she'll go back to her own plane. If she's just a troll, she'll stay here.

>>17274422
is ok, he let me borrow computer when i punch through mine
saw his bookmarks, all troll and orc porn.
on phone right now, they making good times yeah? they are talking about politics and school and a lot of things i dont know what the words mean.

i think they are both mages? did not know

>>17274435
Why do so many people want to fuck us? Last time I checked our skin was voted "Worst texture on a sapient body" for seven years running.

>>17274426
yeah...but the are real good at swallowing;)

What I hate is how hard it is to get on sports teams being human. Just look at the teams.

>>17274183
More stories:
>renting an apartment to a young Demon/Angel couple
>All seems normal, they're nice and quiet, don't cause trouble
>one day, married Angel couple comes in, asks me where their daughter is staying
>Demon Mom&Pop walk in, lock eyes with Angels
>Demon/Angel kids walk down, worst possible timing, holding hands
>Next thing I know, there's about twenty outsiders fighting it out in MY BUILDING
>They break chairs, tables, walls
>Police are called
>Fight moves outside, automated security system accidentally goes online
>Police taser the Demons, Angels get a hundred thousand volts of nonlethal electrolaser to the face
>Demon/Angel couple nowhere to be found, never come back to get their stuff
>Twenty outsiders passed out in the parking lot
>Three police cars trashed
>$200,000 in damage

>>17274462
It's the orgasms. When, an illithid orgasms, the pleasure gets sent to everything around it.

>>17274449
So.

She disappeared.
And now I feel like kind of a dick. What am I going to do about her dog, for one? And what if she comes back?

>>17274468
like the Orcland Raiders? New Orc Jets. the new york giants are real giants! Denver Broncos are centaurs

>>17274485
It would make sense.

If we had usable genitals.

>>17274462
from what i can tell on the internet, people are interested in the fact that you can suck hard enough to remove an internal organ

>>17274488
Your better off. She was going to eat you.

The dog is probably a Barghest too. They can shapeshift.

>>17274468
there's always hockey, whitebread.

>>17274500
We don't suck out brains. We secrete acid that softens bones, then we rip them out of skulls.

So, I found out that my girlfriend is actually a greater gluttony demon.

You know, the ones that are about 20 feet tall, green, frog-mouthed?
Found out when she missed a payment on her polymorph by-the-month plan.

Yeah.
What the fuck do I do now.

>>17274508

You're kidding, right? Have you seen the Habs? ALL frost elementals. I mean, how can we compete wtih that?

>>17274508
Orcs got that too.

Brunk back. pinkskins had bangbangs but brunk too fat for hurty. lucky! smooshed all pinkskins now. maybe move cave, find more safer home. byebye!

>>17274513
and how many people on the internet know that?

>>17274516
Run. Run FAR away.

>enjoying some evening in my old family house, thing is really old, probably 300 years old and counting.
>pause my game, go get some stuff to eat and dirnk
>Out of fucking nowhere, girl specter on my bed, staring at me in silence

What the fuck do I do here? She doesn't move, sometime she goes physical, move stuf,f she just... stay there.

You know what's utter shit? Being a fire elemental in Iceland.

I swear to god, the homeless just walk right up and start warming themselves up without a "How do you do." And I feel so awkward saying "Hey man look I got somewhere to be, can't exactly stop you from freezing all day."

It's bullshit.

I live on a backwards planet and it only has humans on it. Shit's boring but at least it's predictable.

>>17274481
I saw that on the news. People were freaking out, thought it was the two sides going to all-out war.

Fuck man. That's what you get for housing Romeo and Juliet, I guess. Myself, I stay out of the line of fire whenever there are outsiders around.

>>17274468
Their thinking about setting up separate leagues for different species.

>>17274528
What? NO. No no no.
He needs to take advantage of this.

Gluttony demons are fucking monsters in the sack.

>>17274557
What? How? I have never heard this.

>>17274563
Tongues, man. They're also never hungrier than when giving a blowjob.

>>17274481
Me and Sylvana are really sorry about that. We knew our parents would freak out when they found out but we weren't expecting THAT.

>>17274574
And you know this how?

>>17274518
Nah, sure there's an Orc enforcer or two on nearly every team, but when it comes to puck handling and play planning, the extra skill points of a human mean we're still the league's bread and butter (well, except for a couple of "novelty" teams).

You still have to be a big and strong human to be professionally competitive, but that'd be true even in a human only league, assuming that any league like that could ever attract top tier talent.

>>17274557
but they are 20 feet tall and will sometimes accidently EAT YOU

hang on...introduce her to the guy who had the vore fetish earlier

>>17274513
That's so hot, would you happen to have any pictures of this act? I'm very, very interested in you and your skin.

Ugh this thread is so fucking racist.

Doppleganger here. You're all fucking assholes. I go to an elf frat and they're all "oh elves rule" and I go to a goblin frat and they're all "oh goblins rule." You're all the fucking same. I've seen orcs out dance an elf and I've seen dwarves run faster than a centaur.

tldr: you're not that different douchebags

>>17274590
What, and be responsible for second-hand murder? Stomachs are sorta, you know, for digesting shit.

>>17274601
dwarves only run faster than centaurs when beer is on the line

>>17274481
You think that's bad? Two of my best friends are dating. They are an elf and a dwarf. The are both guys. Their families are incredibly traditional. Like, both of the dwarf's parents look like men and be if the Elf's parents are so incredibly androgynous that it's not even funny. And I have to help them hide it from their parents. FML.

>>17274585
Your deposit and my insurance covered the costs, so I guess it's fine.

Your couch and bed are in storage, along with the rest of your stuff. Come by and my secretary will give you the key.

>>17274601
It's the same for you fuckers. You look down on us because you can see how bad everyone else is while you do the exact same fucking thing. I don't even know why we let you people in this country.

>>17274590
Wait, we don't know anything about their relationship though.

All he said was that she turned out to be a demon, what's the big deal? At least she's not a succubus. Bitches eat your soul like it's nothing.

Summoner scholarship guy here, thought I'd give you guys an update.
I went through with it, figure its the best deal I'm going to have come my way for a long time and it'll help me confront some of the less savory aspects of my childhood. Showed up to the bonding (odd that they don't call it binding anymore, guess the word had to much negative connotation?) ceremony and just tried to keep the idea of 'humanoid' in my head through it, didn't think of much else.
Gods I can still close my eyes and see her, decidedly a her, literally crawling out of the corner of the summoning diagram, like, breaking geometry crawling out of a right angle. Humanoid at least, but all in purples and pinks, claws long as my hands, hair like a hedgehog on speed and a smile that would shame a shark.

After that first shock though Xara is pretty nice all things considered. I've been trying to keep her summoned as much as I can the last few days, both to get used to her and to get to know her. Though I gotta say going to buy clothing for her to walk around in was almost as harrowing as being bound to her, damn gnome behind the register wouldn't stop giving me the eye while I tried to find things that would fit her.

>>17274597
This guy's an Aboleth, I can tell by the pixels.

>>17274587
yeah, you heard about that "humans only" basketball league some guy started? they did a feature on it on the Daily Show.

So, turns out for all that guy's talk about "fundamentals" he's actually just a huge racist. He doesn't want black people in his league, either. Also, his league uses those really, really gay basketball shorts that they had back in the 70s.

The fuck, right?

>>17274597
...
>MFW

>>17274601
Really? Where? Last time I saw an Orc dance he was being mind controlled.

>>17274616
Cause you can't keep us out asshole!

Sides, you fucking need us. Every government needs dopplegangers for spies. If you kick us out, you lose all your fucking intel.

Centaur here, would you humans please stop asking to ride me? It's fucking degrading. I can't even go to a party without some asshole trying to mount me and yell "giddyup horsie". I am god damned person too, you know.

>>17274640
So, like, do you think horses are sexy?

>>17274640
So uh, how often do those humans preposition you? About your, your know?

>>17274640
I dated a centaur chick once.

she liked to be rode ;)

>>17274625
Sup man, fellow summoner here. I ended up with a fucking...I don't even know. She's like, an octopus from the waist down, and...I don't even know from the waist up.

All I know is that she said she's a minor being of fertility and she likes apples.

>>17274639
>implying physical spies are even useful any more in the digital age

LOL

>>17274636
>ducktentacles
>myspace angles
>bathroom mirror cellphone pics

holy fuck you are the doucheyest douche to ever douche. How's it feel to be to Abominations what "The Situation" is to Italians?

>>17274615
Thanks a bunch.

Wait, did you happen to find a small ornate dagger by chance?

I'm in the weird part of /tg/ again.

You know what is terrible YET GREAT?

Being me AND ME

God fucking damnit, this is so shit-ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC.

Anyways. I am a GLORIOUS half golem.

How the fuck did this happen YOU MAY WONDER, SMALL FLESHY MORTAL?

I got my WEAK FLESHY body turned into GLORIOUS stone by the gaze of my pissed off medusa ex.

Before I get fixed, some BELOVED LIFE GIVING wizard enchants my body into a GLORIOUS golem.

(Let me talk, okay? OKAY)

Then some cleric with an advanced timesense sees that my body was once human, and, for shits and giggles, uses stone to flesh on me and awakens the golem.

I got my psion buddy specializing in alternate personality psychology to fuse our minds, but we are still apart by a bit (more treatments needed). Because we aren't totally one, Mr. Golem sometimes YELLS WITH THE GREAT FURY OF THE ERUPTING VOLCANIC STONE, SHOWING THE IMMENSE POWER OF THE ELEMENTS!

>>17274657
I got a rock. Suffice to say I flunked that course and am thinking of just dropping down into Divination or something.

>>17274663
Social engineering and winning the trust of informants face to face remain the basics in spycraft.

I know you want to jerk off to uber hackers who sit in a brightly lit box and hack the earth but, we're not there yet, and probably never will be.

>>17274657
She's an Elbeth. She'll also like plums, although she probably doesn't know that yet. Most outer planes are notoriously lacking in fruit diversity, compared to even shitty grocery stores.

>>17274651
No, I'm only interested in centaur women. My grandfather may have fucked a few horses but never I. If a humanoid species woman is ever interested though I find it very difficult to turn her down.

>>17274655
All the time. And the rumors are true, in case you were curious

.>>17274656
I find it hard to believe any humanoid species could satisfy a centaur female. You must be huge.

Apartment guy here. The Aboleth that lives in a cavern under my subbasement is a week late on his rent for the first time, and the Illithids that live in my subbasement are missing.

Should I be concerned?

Working-Class abberation here. I work at a local pizzeria, and this girl keeps ordering on days I work there and insisting on delivery. Thing is, since I can teleport, I'm the only delivery we have. She answered the door last night in lingerie and invited me inside.

How do I politely tell her that I'm

(A) Straight
(B) Disgusted by her soft, fleshy form
(C) And devour my mates

I had sex with a zombie once. She kept trying to bite me, but she didn't have any teeth or any real jaw strength, so it just sort of felt like she was sucking on me. So then i slid her onto my dick. By far the best blow job I ever had.

>>17274706
Okay but what if, like, you see this fine ass sticking out from around a corner? And you're not sure if the other end is a centaur or a horse? Would you be aroused?

>>17274722
Enjoy your STD undeath.

So, umm, when I was about 4 my dad left us. I'm fifty-four now and my dads back. Only thing is, he's a gold dragon. I'm apparently half-dragon. And I was polymorphed at birth. He's offered to tech me more about dragon-lore and stuff but I'm not sure if I should take him up on the offer. i like my life the way it is.

>>17274706
>You must be huge.

naw just enlarge potions...get them by the case at Costco

>>17274722
I'm pretty sure that's rape man. I mean if a zombie hasn't fed in a while they can lose some sentience.

>>17274699
Cool, I'll buy some next time I'm out.
What do you do with the eggs though? We've just been...cooking them.

>>17274706
>>I find it hard to believe any humanoid species could satisfy a centaur female. You must be huge.

You know, most of us have two hands with fists on the end.

>>17274706
honestly, the organs I'm curious about are internal.

Do you have, like, two sets of lungs/stomachs/intestines? how does it work, really?

I mean, yeah, I know how to use wikipedia, but the illustrations there are all speculative. Something about a lack of anatomical research due to centaur funeral rites?

>>17274717
Have you heard any loud noises and/or horrible, unearthly wails lately?

>>17274729
Fine centaur ass is very distinct. When you are part horse you tend to be able to tell the difference quite easily. You're just going to have to trust me on this one.

Werewolf here, with a bit of a problem.

Being a werewolf isn't actually the problem, though. I've got that pretty much under control (got Lycanthropy in high school). I haven't had a problem in years, can now shift voluntarily, and even if I'm having control issues on the full moon, I take a shitload of sedatives before the sun goes down (and I always err on the side of caution).

No, the problem is the girl I'm seeing. I started dating her a couple of weeks ago, and things have been going really well. This weekend we finally made things... official (if you know what I mean), but the next morning she woke up covered in hives and with swollen, puffy eyes. It looked like an allergic reaction, so I asked her if she had any allergies to food, or possibly down feathers (my pillows are made of that). She said she really didn't know what could've possibly caused the reaction.
Her only allergy? Dogs. Reading up on things, it's likely not fur or hair that's causing the reaction (I only shed when I'm in wolf form anyway), but my SALIVA. She doesn't know I'm a werewolf (it's not something you tell people right away, it's kind of a mood-killer).

What should I do, /tg/? I really, really like this girl, and I really want to make things work. I want to be up front with her about my condition, but I don't know how to tell her, or if I even should. I don't have money for treatment right now.

>>17274745
you're going to want to stop that. It probably won't kill you for what you've done so far, but they tend to have high-trace amounts of mercury.
That's what they're used for, mostly. Alchemical stuff.

>> Growing up in absurdly racist town
>> fall for sweet half-demon chick
>> Ignore stupid people's cries of property value dropping
>> Have family meet hers for dinner
>> Clog toilet
>> Break off relationship due to embarassment
>> Last seen her dating a ricer dick who "Has a gurl who matches mah ride, dawg"
>> feelsbadman.jpg

I'm so researching litchdom, while that prick will age and die, she'll still be herself, and i'll be immortal.

Man, you know what I love, being a giantess?
How every fucking jack and the beanstalk thinks it's hilarious to climb up my legs, and how every fucking asshole with a giantess fetish thinks I have a tiny human fetish.

"Oh hey would you mind crushing me under your feet? Duuuuurr."

Every fucking day.

>>17274765
well..at least she isnt a vampire

>>17274488
You could try a communicate with polanar entity spell. I usually think that you should give people the benefit of the doubt, but I'd still be careful with the Barghast. Hell, maybe this is all some big wacky misunderstanding.

>>17274763
Yes.

>>17274791
Aboleth ate them

>>17274781
Have any of them tried to work your clit like a speedbag?

>>17274791
Then they're fine. It's when they're quiet that you need to be concerned.

>>17274784
Well, turns out her cellphone stills gets service...

In the Lower PIts of hell.
Turns out she's some kind of demon, and she's very, very pissed. whatdoIdo.

>>17274775
wow. turn off. don't be that guy.
"we're perfect for each other, can't you see? I'm just here, by your side. forever. we should go out."

How fucking creepy stalker needy is that? Before you undie, you should probably, y'know, talk to her? ask her feelings on the matter? instead of being one of those asshole "Nice Liches" who think by virtue of not being an abusive rapist, they are somehow owed pussy by the collective of women.

How is it like half the nerds in high school end up creepy borderline misogynist undead?

>>17274799
What? Fucking seriously? First off, do you REALLY think they'd get that far if I wasn't interested? And secondly, holy fuck. Do you have any idea how stupid that is?

>>17274800
>>17274795
...

Need a third opinion, here? Hire someone to venture into my basement to investigate, or leave it be and hope for the best?

>>17274765

If you really care, you've got to tell her.

if it's as bad as you say, not letting her know about your.. condition might kill her. if you're careful now, it might make a difference. All you have to do is avoid kissing her and going down on her.

Actually, I'm curious about something.

Being a werewolf is like a cure-all for most diseases, and makes you allergy proof.

You could, in theory, bring her into the fold.

After you tell her, of course. Tell her is a must-do regardless.

>>17274820
You could always get some adventurers to make sure it's clear. Word to the wise though, I wouldn't hire a good party or you might have problems.

>>17274755
It's really, really confusing. I slept through centaur biology class but if I recall correctly you're correct. Having redundant organs is amazing though. I honestly don't know how you humanoids can live with only one liver / set of lungs.

>>17274625
So it's been a week now, Xara is getting settled in to the routine in the dorms, though I gotta say even though she doesn't eat since she's an Eidolon, she has this thing for pancakes, go fucking figure...

Did my first summon monster casting run today, and while I'm happy that I can call celestial animals, I'm a bit unnerved that I can get infernal ones to. I mean I've always thought of myself as a good person, so to get metaphysical proof that I'm not truly good is a bit of a hit to my self image. Xara's been comforting about it, playing up the whole 'all in your head' angle to me but it's still bugging me, anyone have any advice about coming to terms with it, or am I just over reacting again?

Recently, gang violence between some aberrations and some half-demons has spring up in my girlfriend's neighborhood. I'd like her to move in with me so she'll be safe. Thing is, my room-mate is really anti-human. He only tolerates me because I'm half-elf and have at least a little elf blood. He's a full-elf by the way. Any solutions?

>>17274820
Hire an adventurer.

As in, one.
If he doesn't come back, then you're good and both the Aboleth and the Illithid will owe you for giving them a free meal. If he does, then he didn't find what you paid him to find, and you don't have to give up shit.

>Living in a small apartment due to tough times
>Kenku and kobold living next door, both have issues with English but get by with pantomiming and patience
>Kenku catches me on my way to the gas station for delicious snacks, asks if I'm any good with boxes
>Ask him to show me what he's talking about
>Their computer is on the fritz
>Kobold keeps trying to pay me in cigarettes to fix it

For all the shit people give the shorter races, they're pretty decent guys.

At least, I think they're both guys.

>>17274820
you do know adventurers would probably kill them on reflex, right?

if you're worried about them, do an "inspection." Most lease boilerplate allows for it. maybe they'll have some issues they need you to address, anyway.

>>17274820
Er on the side of caution bro, it might cost you a bit extra but the security of being sure is worth every copper.

>>17274488
Just tell her that while she seems nice, you're just not interested in a relationship. Mostly because she seems so nice, and that most of your relationships end in the death of your partner, and you don't want her to be hurt.

>>17274828
I know a bunch of lawful neutral guys that don't ask questions, I'll call them tomorrow.

Most of the old Adventure Laws are still in place here, so I thankfully don't need to worry about the police.

>>17274813
>undead?
Implying any of them get that far. I know a couple guys like that and they all went to school for wizardry or necromancy or some shit. Most of them flunked out and a couple just got some shit jobs doing IT at some shitty companies.

The only guy I know who actually did the whole lich thing was this elf in my high school. When he hit puberty he did the whole goth thing and started wearing black and mascara and all that. After high school he got addicted to speed or something and start just trying different rituals til one worked. He looks like complete shit. All his skin fell off, and most of his muscle, leaving a lot of bones and guts. He doesn't do anything now either, just sits in a little shitty house on the outskirts of town getting high all day and watching tv.

>>17274805
Talk to her, and try to figure out where she stands on this whole "Eating souls" thing, and if she was really interested in you, or was just fattening you up.

Also, tit might be nice to tell her that you're looking after her dog for the time being

>> Junior year
>> Fall for quiet girl in science class
>> Date for over a year, doing what she wants
>> Plays, Theater, trips into the city
>> I Hate Theater, and cities, wtf?
>> talk to school counselor
>> Bitch isnt registered student
>> Get asked about anything odd.
>> Never thought of getting to bases.
>> Any Bases
>> Turns out she was a shapeshifter
>> Psionic Shapeshifter
>> Bitch made me a life-force puppet for a year and a half
>> Greying hair, lost dreams, aching joints at 27

On the plus side, the settlement from the school for "outated Psionic dampeners" has covered the fact that i'm unemployable now. No one wants someone who's been 'Tainted"

>>17274841
Kobolds are awesome. One of my best buds is a kobold. Great guy, holds his alcohol bullshit well, freakishly powerful for a tiny little bastard, and he gets all the women. Any kind.

It's hilarious to piss him off though. He normally has a great grasp of Common, but the more riled up he gets the more he slips into third-person speak. It's hilariously cute until he punches you in the knee for being an asshole.

>>17274904
Goes like this.

Find local APL (Anti-Psionic League). Hire them to track down the bitch who stole your life-force. They'll get her back and get her to restore your youth.

Be warned though, some of those guys are real zealots.

>>17274903
Right, so it turns out she just thought I was an anorexic. I brought the dog food and took him out for a walk, and she's going to be back in like a month. In the mean time, she's looking for players for an ADnD game over skype.

archived?

I think we're autosaging, fyi.

OK, so my first semester of college, go lottery for roommates. Get a 4-person suite, pretty cool. For roommates, I get a third-generation Cuban from Miami, a Gnoll from in-state, and a Gnome from New York. I figured the Gnoll and the Gnome would be at one another's throats before midterms. I was seriously surprised by how well they got along. The only problem was how late they would stay up telling jokes every night, and I had Alchemy II at 8 a.m. MWF. Have you ever tried to sleep with a Gnoll cracking up in the next room? Pretty cool guys, all of them. We still hang out a bunch. I just couldn't live with them, so I pledged a fraternity in the spring semester. The Gnoll and Gnome ended up getting a house together off-campus after freshman year.

>>17274818
Well, you see is may have uh, by accident saw a certain video on the internet where that was happening and um...there was a tattoo in the same place you have it.

New thread?

>>17274825
Well, her allergies aren't severe (as in, she won't go into anaphylactic shock or anything), but they do make her sick and uncomfortable, and that's the last thing I want.
I guess I should tell her. I owe her honesty, at least. She is a half-elf, so she might be okay with it, since she knows I can't really help it (in b4 hurr durr elves - she's down to earth, probably because she spent more time with the human half of the family)

>bring her into the fold.

Fuck no. That isn't an option. I can control myself now, but that took years of hard work and a lot of failure. I've caused thousands of dollars worth of property damage, especially when I first turned (though Lycanthropy Insurance has taken care of most of it), and I even tried to attack some friends and family. I didn't kill or turn any of them, thank god, but there are thousands more lycanthropes who weren't so lucky.
I'm in a better place now, but I wouldn't give her my condition. The risks are just too great.

>>17274782
You know, I actually dated a vampire for a while. We broke up. Not because of our differences, but because she was a selfish, egocentric bitch.
They're not all like that though. My brother-in-law's a vampire, and he's one of the sweetest, nicest guys you'll ever meet. He doesn't even care that I'm a werewolf. Total bro, I wish they were all like that.

>>17274831
Relax bro, you're an arcane caster. We don't have the alignment restriction on summonings. That's more of a religious things.

Although to be honest, I've always wondered if the whole "Thou shalt not summon beings of your opposite ethic" was actually part of the casting or just religious zealotry.

>>17274813

You're right, goddamnit you're right, She may have been my first, but she really shouldn't be it. You know what? moving on sounds like a plan. There's this really really adorable orc girl i know, Adorable Sushi girl (you know, green on the outside, white on the inside) She's seriously whiter than i am, LARPs, works in a Staples, glasses, artist.... Thank you, this is a turning point for me!

>>17274938
Well at any rate she seems pretty chill about being banished back to the nether regions, I'd apologize for the confusion. She seems nice. She probably has an ulterior motive, but if she didn't blow her top it's probably nothing you need to worry about

>>17274831
>has been a whole week
Wow, your plane's rate of time must be... wow.

>>17274818
Well, what are you looking for as far as companionship goes? I know that size differences can be difficult but with the availability of alter self magic, it shouldn't be that big of a problem, right?

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17272040/

saved

>>17274991
That's a load off of my chest there, thanks for the heads up. Good to know that summoning a rat with horns doesn't damn me. Xara seems to enjoy me summoning them to, though I think it's mostly because I let her order them around, kinda like role reversal maybe? Not that I ever do more then ask her for things and the like, we're partners, not servant etc.

>>17275015
It's a university run demiplane, helps keep costs down and means that I'll be good to go in a year or so earth standard time.

>>17275054
It is Ageless, right?

>>17275054
Man shit I feel for you. I had to spend a weekend watching a buddy's new house on a demiplane and I tell you, /tg/ going even slower is maddening.

Guy with Gluttony Demon GF reporting back in.
She invited me over to dinner so we could talk about our relationship now that I know she's a giant demon and everything.

Anything I should know before I head out?
Also: Pretty much every time we've "Talked over dinner" things have ended in bed. Anything I should know about that, now that she doesn't have human, erm, parts?

Someone make a new thread.

>>17275083
>>17275065
Ageless yea, otherwise I would never have signed up for it. Gotta remember to eat and drink and sleep and such though, anything you miss will catch up with you when you leave. /tg/ being slow doesn't bother me that much, to busy with classes and the latest 'team building' exercise I'm on.
See I'm not typing this, Xara is, I'm sitting in bed blindfolded and magically silenced, have been for the past two days. Everything has to go through the bond with Xara, she's my eyes, hands, etc, still kinda awkward but we're getting used to it and I gotta say the connection will be useful in the future.

New thread:
>>17275130

I'm not too fond of anything, really.

>>17275095
It may be embarrassing as fuck, but first off you should probably go to a temple and make sure you're clean. Even if she WAS polymorphed before you can't be 100% certain. Along similar lines, talk to someone who knows what they're talking about with regards to protection. There are plenty of anonymous wizard forums out there that are known to have reputable advice. Take it and go pick up what you need, or if you're in a hurry talk to the wizards at your local drug store.

>>17275054
S'all good.
Say, do you know which plane Mara comes from? You should ask her if she can bring over any knowledge from there. My own eid , Tim*, brought this kick arse chilli recipe from his. Who knew the Heavenly Hosts liked hot n spicy?

*not his real name obviously but I can't pronounce it.

>>17274326
sauce on pic?

>>17275015
Or maybe yours is the derpy one.

>>17275206
Xara says she got pulled in from somewhere to the second left of limbo, for what good the info will do you.

>>17274616

Because we can't. Don't even know how many of them there are really.

>Senior year at Brown.
>Roomate is a dorf.
>I don't even know until she (Robin) had a preg scare.
>I take her to the OB/GYN out of embarrassment.
>She was really upset, I offer to drive her home.
>Fuuuck do they have a nice house
>Easily impressed poorfag am I.
>Her...Parent is very polite and kind to me.
>Doesn't make a single tall joke.
>Despite me hitting my head on every doorway.
>Robin is really upset and her...gaurdian offers to let me stay the night.
But I just got into the D3 beta! Ohkay.jpg
> Embarrass myself at dinner when half way through a glass of what could be wine's bastard child with shoe polish I drop my fork, excuse myself, and nearly knock over several ornaments off their pedestals down the hallway.
>Don't even remember getting into the fucking plush bed.
>Wake up in the middle of the night, choking on whiskers and ribbons. I don't have a beard.
>Robins (decidedly) mom is riding me like a three week bender.
MFW: http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/35jfew/