>>5758435
>"Beam Lance: Justice Piercer"

>>5758435
>"Beam Lance: Justice Piercer", a big metal stick with an energy blade at the end. Will let you use those untapped athletic skills and attack from afar, but you might get tired easily.

>>5758435
>"Beam Lance: Justice Piercer"

>>5758435
>"Beam Blade: Lettuce Chopper", a more traditional beam weapon, sorta like the beam katana but more... European. Balanced, but a bit heavy. The safest option.

>>5758435
>>"Beam Lance: Justice Piercer", a big metal stick with an energy blade at the end. Will let you use those untapped athletic skills and attack from afar, but you might get tired easily

>>5758435
>>"Beam Blade: Lettuce Chopper", a more traditional beam weapon, sorta like the beam katana but more... European. Balanced, but a bit heavy. The safest option.

>>5758435
>"Beam Lance: Justice Piercer", a big metal stick with an energy blade at the end. Will let you use those untapped athletic skills and attack from afar, but you might get tired easily.
Aww sweet a NMH quest

>>5758437
>>5758438
>>5758441
>>5758463
>>5758481
(Democracy has chosen the most phallic option! All is right in the world.)

"Beam Lance: Justice Piercer"!!
Inspired by a popular tokusatsu show, the trademark weapon that Naoki Shibuya used to defeat Legalodon in episode 37, this novelty weapon is built with highly-unstable nuclear batteries and a shining blade to strike fear into the hearts of darkness. Built on a light yet sturdy metal pole, and with real energy breaking action, this collector's item is a relic to be important for generations to come, lighting the way towards the future of mankind!

Inexplicably, the enemies wait until you've finished your internal monologue to take action.
The elevator shakes, and without thinking, you hop off as one of the black suits finishes cutting the elevator's cables, his plan to make you fall to your death has obviously failed... But he manages to avoid falling, hanging onto the edge.
You stare down at him.
And nonchalantly kick him down the elevator shaft and watch him fall until he splatters with a sickening squishy noise.

Huh.
That was your first kill and you feel nothing.
Obviously, the only logic next step is to keep killing until it makes you feel something!

There are three enemies directly ahead, getting close to take a shot at your head...

[Time for a lame ass combat tutorial!]
[Simply choose an option and roll 1d100 AND you must call HIGH or LOW (unless it indicates which). If you choose HIGH and your number is over 50, good job. Same goes for LOW but the other way around. A perfect 50 or two players rolling the same number will be considered a LUCKY EVENT and give our heroine a crazy bonus!]

And now... Time to turn on that Beam Lance and dive straight into hell!
>Wait for them to attack first, and then try to counter-attack. (HIGH)
>Try to take them one by one. Surely they're as nervous as you are.
>Knock them all down with a sweep, then sweep the floor with them! (LOW)

IT'S GAME TIME!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRCeOfO16Mg

Rolled 6 (1d100)

>>5758579
>Knock them all down with a sweep, then sweep the floor with them! (LOW)

Rolled 33 (1d100)

>>5758579
>Knock them all down with a sweep, then sweep the floor with them! (LOW)
Going for that luck

Rolled 44 (1d100)

>>5758579
>Wait for them to attack first, and then try to counter-attack. (HIGH)

Rolled 5 (1d100)

>>5758579
>>Knock them all down with a sweep, then sweep the floor with them! (LOW)

File: tegaki.png (107 KB, 800x600)

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(Sorry for the choppy art, trying new things and I gotta make these quick)
>>5758626
You try to take a defensive approach, but it soon turns into a bizarre stalemate where neither party wants to throw the first blow, awkwardly stepping forward, then back, then forward again, then retreating... It's just embarrassing honestly...
>>5758585
>>5758591
>>5758637
So you just get bored and successfully sweep all three attackers to the ground. Now your blood's pumpin'! They expected you to use that shiny weapon of yours but instead got hit and stunned like the idiots they are. This will surely prove your friends that going to college is a waste of time and money.
These guys did. You didn't. And who's winning now?!

But before you let the power rush to your head, be mindful that 5 other guys are rushing in from behind to aid their downed comrades as they try to get back up!
"Kill her shit!" they shout as one tries to take his 100 times folded pure nippon steel to you pretty little head.
You're surrounded, so how to get out?

>Don't! Finish off the guys on the ground before they annoy you any further. That'll show them you mean business. (LOW)
>Try to stab the first guy behind you, that pointy stick DEMANDS to be used!
>Turn around and take a wild swing behind you, maybe you'll hit something!

Rolled 38 (1d100)

>>5758663
>Don't! Finish off the guys on the ground before they annoy you any further. That'll show them you mean business. (LOW)

Rolled 77 (1d100)

>>5758663
>>Don't! Finish off the guys on the ground before they annoy you any further. That'll show them you mean business. (LOW)

Rolled 9 (1d100)

>>5758663
>Don't! Finish off the guys on the ground before they annoy you any further. That'll show them you mean business. (LOW)

File: lynn.png (235 KB, 1024x1024)

235 KB PNG

Rolled 35 (1d100)

Nice, you started it! And you're adding drawings, too! This thread came in at the right time for a warmup.

>Don't! Finish off the guys on the ground before they annoy you any further. That'll show them you mean business. (LOW)

File: tegaki.png (447 KB, 800x600)

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>>5758669
>>5758704
>>5758738
So you go ahead and you do a low slice to test your lance and...
Holy shit this thing cuts through flesh like fucking butter! 3 guys dead, right away.
Blood goes fucking everywhere. Now this is how it's done. You feel a rush surge through you. It must be adrenaline, or something.
"MY FUCKING APPENDIX!!! GWAAAH!!!" you hear one of the black suits shout as his upper half falls to the floor.
>>5758670
(You also try to get a fourth guy but you totally miss him though...)
Now you have an opening to run!

Why waste your time with these bozos? You're in a hurry! You must find your target: The 9th Ranked Assassin of the UAA.
Cynthia "Candy" Cain.
The elevator is fucked though, you need to rush to the top floor, but there are a bunch more black suits waiting for you on the way to the stairs... And one of them has a minigun?! Uh-oh. He noticed you.

Do you...?
>Rush through, focus your attention on the big guy with the big gun. He's the main thing on your way. Maybe you can sneak past?
>Take your time, fight off the guys closer to you now that you've got the upper hand, they must ALL go down before you go on.
>Get defensive, ask where their boss is, they won't shoot or move without you noticing now that you have them all in sight. (HIGH)

(Thanks for the drawing! Her design isn't anywhere near set, but something like that certainly works. Cool interpretation!)
(Also I'll continue tomorrow. Think like 12ish hours from now. I'll see what's winning then and keep going from there.)

Rolled 37 (1d100)

>>5758805
>Take your time, fight off the guys closer to you now that you've got the upper hand, they must ALL go down before you go on.
>(HIGH)

Rolled 40 (1d100)

>>5758805
>Rush through, focus your attention on the big guy with the big gun. He's the main thing on your way. Maybe you can sneak past?

HIGH

Rolled 76 (1d100)

>>5758805
>Rush through, focus your attention on the big guy with the big gun. He's the main thing on your way. Maybe you can sneak past?
Low

Rolled 63 (1d100)

>>5758805
>Rush through, focus your attention on the big guy with the big gun. He's the main thing on your way. Maybe you can sneak past?
We got the length with our lance (HIGH)

Rolled 1 (1d100)

>>5758805
>Get defensive, ask where their boss is, they won't shoot or move without you noticing now that you have them all in sight. (HIGH)

Rolled 20 (1d100)

>>5758822
>>5758825
>>5758826
>>5759084
>Anons bad at gambling
This is how you do it
>Rush through, focus your attention on the big guy with the big gun. He's the main thing on your way. Maybe you can sneak past?
>Low

File: Joe Disgust.jpg (83 KB, 680x680)

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>female MC
>in NMH

>>5759296
NMH is all about hedonism and individualism, so it shouldn't matter if the mc is female or not.

File: 3.png (51 KB, 800x761)

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(Fuck colors actually, sorry i'm late, tired)
>>5758822
You are probably exhausted from swinging that metal pole around, this is the most exercise you have done in a long time... Well, compared to what you usually do. Which is nothing.
You try to fight them all, but fail pathetically and make a run for it.
>>5758825
>>5758826
>>5758860
>>5759125 (winner)
[Well this is unlucky, but two of you got it. Remember, the higher or lower, the better!]
While running away, you try to dodge the gun fire by sliding below, a bit uncomfortable as soon as you reach the automatic stairs and it scrapes your knees a bit... Not like it matters because you slide below the big guy's legs and SLICE, his body goes flying up like a ragdoll. Sure you only cut his feet off, he would survive that, but the fall should be enough to kill him. So now you're going up!
...Very slowly.
>>5759084
As the action comes to a complete stop, you ask where your target is...
And all it does is attract the thugs' attention. "DON'T LET HER ESCAPE!" They're waiting for you at the top of the staircase. And the ones remaining from the first group are at the bottom. You're surrounded again!
What's worse, one guy tosses his katana directly at you! Can you dodge?!
[Some attacks cannot be blocked, your only chance is to [dodge], so you simply must pick HIGH or LOW without a roll, then the QM will roll and see if your number is higher or lower. Remember, the further the number the better.]

Will you?
>Dodge! That blade looks sharp!
>Try to go up to the next floor by using the big guy's body to impulse yourself!
>Jump head first into battle, you can take them! ...Probably.

Rolled 51 (1d100)

>>5758805
>>Rush through, focus your attention on the big guy with the big gun. He's the main thing on your way. Maybe you can sneak past?
HIGH

>>5759367
>>Dodge! That blade looks sharp!
Woops

>>5759367
>Jump head first into battle, you can take them! ...Probably.
>Low
Fuck it we ball.

>>5759367
>Dodge! That blade looks sharp!

Rolled 87 (1d100)

>>5759367
>Try to go up to the next floor by using the big guy's body to impulse yourself!

HIGH PARKOUR!

Rolled 81 (1d100)

>>5759367
>Try to go up to the next floor by using the big guy's body to impulse yourself!
Hit HIGH

Rolled 34 (1d100)

>>5759367
>Jump head first into battle, you can take them!
>LOW
Don't stop killing until they give you a reason to.

Rolled 67 (1d100)

>>5759367
>>Try to go up to the next floor by using the big guy's body to impulse yourself!
LOW

File: Untitled4.png (74 KB, 800x1200)

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(Okay, sorry if I screwed up and it was unclear with the instructions. My bad, never been good at that part. Everyone got how attacks work but Dodging is basically just pick that option then call HIGH or LOW without rolling, after that I roll before updating and see if the attack hits or not. Sorry if it wasn't worded well. From now on combat options will be labeled as [ATTACK] or [DODGE] to make it easier to know which is which and if a roll is necessary. If it doesn't say either of those two things then its just a free option. That's about the extent of it though, don't wanna complicate shit too much.)

>>5759372
>>5759491
You manage to swerve past the projectile and it embeds on the face of one of the guys below. Bet that guy who tossed it feels really stupid now, huh? Unscathed, you rush forward.
>>5759461
>>5759513
>>5759527
>>5759541
Keeping up that momentum, you decide to go for something way crazier and stick your lance on the big guy's bald ugly head, and vault over, reaching the next floor with a kick that clears the way and takes them all by surprise! You're putting up a great show!
And what's best, from here you can see the location you need to be at: the "Sweets n' Sugars" candy store at the Destroy Mall. And hey, the entrance is unguarded because all the mooks were chasing after you instead! Unfortunately, they still are.
You attempt to strike them but...
Oops. Your Beam Lance has run out of juice!
You cannot fight like this!

Will you keep going, or take a break?
>Run to the candy shop and break the doors to enter! Stopping means death! [ATTACK]
>Try to hide in a different store nearby to recharge your weapon before proceeding.
>Quickly recharge out in the open and hope they don't rush you while you're not looking.

>>5759662
>>Try to hide in a different store nearby to recharge your weapon before proceeding.

>>5759662
>Try to hide in a different store nearby to recharge your weapon before proceeding.

Rolled 63 (1d100)

>>5759662
>>Run to the candy shop and break the doors to enter! Stopping means death! [ATTACK]
HIGH

File: jo.jpg (11 KB, 287x98)

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>>5759662
>Try to hide in a different store nearby to recharge your weapon before proceeding.
Time to see how well Lynn can handle a pole.

>>5759662
>Run to the candy shop and break the doors to enter! Stopping means death! [ATTACK]

>>5759662
>Try to hide in a different store nearby to recharge your weapon before proceeding.
never played NMH, is that sexy thing a part of the game or is it unique to the quest ? (not complaining, btw)

File: Untitled5.png (52 KB, 800x600)

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>>5759680
>>5759721
>>5759746
>>5759800 (it is played for humor, but yes the main character has to jack off his sword. The whole game is big on the whole sex and violence duality shit.)
Thinking that staying where the enemies are while you recharge your weapon is not wise, you run into a small closed store where you can jack off as the audience demands- Err, recharge your weapon's batteries first.
...How do you do that, though?
Pulling out an user manual from your pocket like a fucking cartoon and reading it out loud to the audience, you dread the answers you get.
"So, first slide down the safety lock and..." Blah, blah, yadda, yadda. The weapon needs some warmth. Sure, cool. At least you're alone. You slide that thing between your thighs and... Well, this a blue board, are you sure this is okay?! Whatever, you warm it up until it's ready to go again just in time to get spotted by the enemy... Who is just as uncomfortable as you are.
>>5759730
>>5759764
You don't even kill him, you just run away and pretend nothing happened. Probably a good call as you tackle the doors of the candy shop open! The thugs in suits try to chase you, but now that you're in, you are much closer to your target... But... Where is she?
All that you see in here are many candies, chocolates, marshmallows, cookies, sweets... Enough to give you mortal diabetes at least 51 times over. And two elves with machine guns.
Well, guys dressed as christmas elves. Did I mention it's January? These guys are a bit late to the party, but that doesn't make them less deadly! They fire at you on sight, and you barely manage to avoid being turned into cheese.
Still, your match was supposed to be here! Where did she run off to?! The only door you see is the one leading to a storage room, but a particularly muscular elf seems to be guarding it...

>Focus on the machine gun elves first! They're fast and will catch you if you don't take them out first! [ATTACK]
>Try to behead the big guy stealthily, or just... Do something to get rid of him without the other guys noticing. [ATTACK]
>Or maybe a more creative solution...? [Write in.]

(Last update for today. Expect me tomorrow at the same bat-hour, same bat-channel. Hopefully I can avoid further blunders, I think we'll meet the boss tomorrow.)
>Captcha: RM00T

Rolled 57 (1d100)

>>5759839
>Focus on the machine gun elves first! They're fast and will catch you if you don't take them out first! [ATTACK]
low

Rolled 12 (1d100)

>>5759839
>51 times over
heh

>Smash the big container next to you to cover the floor in gumballs and neutralize their speed
LOW

Rolled 27 (1d100)

>>5759839
>Write in
>Spill the jars of maple and chocolate syrup to slow down the elves and keep them in place
LOW

>>5759839
>Focus on the machine gun elves first! They're fast and will catch you if you don't take them out first! [ATTACK]
>High

Rolled 20 (1d100)

>>5759839
>>Focus on the machine gun elves first! They're fast and will catch you if you don't take them out first! [ATTACK]
High

Rolled 4 (1d100)

>>5759839
>Focus on the machine gun elves first! They're fast and will catch you if you don't take them out first! [ATTACK]
LOW

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>>5759844
>>5759850
>>5760190
You... Completely screw up. You peek from behind a corner to try to sneak up on them but they quickly catch on to what you're doing and shoot at you, forcing you to hide again.
"Gettin' your jollies, eh?!" You hear one of them say. What the fuck does he even mean,
Thankfully you have a better idea...
>>5759845
>>5759848
You probably saw this in a movie once, covering the floor in tiny balls and then cut those jars so the floor is covered in sticky stuff and suddenly they're much less of a problem! One of them falls over, tripping on the gumballs and hitting the syrup-maple mix head first, and the other is too slow to turn around and face you.
>>5760287
And when he does, your lance pierces right through him. He is dead in less than a second, dropping to his sticky, sweet grave.
Now there's only one elf left, the big muscled one who is cracking his knuckles in anticipation to possibly caving your skull in with his bare hands! ...Which he probably can't do now since now there's a sticky death trap between you both.

>Chuck your lance at him, you may lose your weapon if you aim wrong though... Gotta aim very well! [ATTACK]
>Go around the syrup-maple-choco-ball-blood-puddle corpse-zone and face him directly, even if he looks tough. [ATTACK]

Rolled 23 (1d100)

>>5760366
>>Go around the syrup-maple-choco-ball-blood-puddle corpse-zone and face him directly, even if he looks tough. [ATTACK]
High

Rolled 3 (1d100)

>>5760366
>Chuck your lance at him, you may lose your weapon if you aim wrong though... Gotta aim very well! [ATTACK]
High

>>5760366
>Go around the syrup-maple-choco-ball-blood-puddle corpse-zone and face him directly, even if he looks tough. [ATTACK]
HIGH

If we throw and it doesn't kill, we're fucked.

Rolled 3 (1d100)

>>5760366
>>5760433
>>5760447
This is how you do it
>Chuck your lance at him, you may lose your weapon if you aim wrong though... Gotta aim very well! [ATTACK]
>High

Rolled 42 (1d100)

>>5760454
Forgot the roll

>>5760433
>>5760447
>>5760455
>23,3,3
We are dead

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>>5760433
>>5760447
>>5760455
>>5760454
>>5760457
Talk about a series of unfortunate events
The huge ass elf is even bigger up close. Panicking, you throw your weapon like a spear, hoping to nail him down or something... He simply catches it in midair.
Well, now facing him directly doesn't seem like a great idea.
It isn't.
As soon as the trap isn't between you two anymore, he rushes forward, without your weapon, you are unable to fight back much as he picks you up and brings you down onto his knee.
For a second, everything is a blur, then you hear a nasty KRRRAK sound. Oh hey, it's you!

He throws you to the floor, you're stunned and everything hurts, you see red and you can hear your own heartbeat... Things took a turn for the worst so quickly! You have to turn it around!
Your hand can almost reach the lance...

>Grab it and try to hit the head. Offense is the best defense! [ATTACK]
>Roll to a side in attempt to dodge, he's gonna stomp you! [DODGE]
>...GRAB HIS BALLS!!! [ATTACK] (LOW)
>Try to find something else to defend yourself. [DODGE]

File: file.png (195 KB, 382x287)

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Rolled 68 (1d100)

>>5760474
>...GRAB HIS BALLS!!! [ATTACK] (LOW)
Always go for the low blow

Rolled 18 (1d100)

>>5760474
>...GRAB HIS BALLS!!! [ATTACK] (LOW)
Bruh, fuck this now is the time for low

File: Chunny 4sides.gif (630 KB, 480x480)

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>>5760486
yeah bitch

Rolled 73 (1d100)

>>5760474
>>...GRAB HIS BALLS!!! [ATTACK] (LOW)

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>>5760480
>>5760486 (winrar)
>>5760498
Well...
Let's just say you don't need an image for this one. Blue board.
He yelps and stumbles away, stunned and confused. You reach your lance. Now this shit is free!

>Go for the head.
>Skewer that bitch.
>Diagonal slice all the way.
>Go for the balls. Again.

>>5760504
>Go for the head.
precise and fast

Rolled 49 (1d100)

>>5760474
Don't the two 3s in a row count as a lucky event? Did my prompt intercept the two? Or does it only count if the HI/LO call is correct?

>Roll to a side in attempt to dodge, he's gonna stomp you! [DODGE]
HIGH

Surely we won't die in the tutorial...

I am a scrub.

>>5760504
>Skewer that bitch
Slicing is more of a katana thing, we gotta do our own thing.

>>5760504
>Go for the head.
Strawberry on the Shortcake, motherfucker

>>5760588
wrong thread and board, my dude

>>5760504
>>Go for the balls. Again.

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>>5760505
>>5760513
>>5760518
>>5760606
THE PUBLIC DEMANDS THAT HEADS MUST ROLL!!!
Well... You rip that head off. He dies. Oddly, it feels really unsatisfying.
You poke him a couple times to make sure he is really and truly dead... Before continuing beyond the door that has "STORAGE ROOM! EMPLOYEES ONLY" on a little paper sign. Of course, it's not just a simple storage room.
There's a restroom, which you quickly use to take a break...
...And stairs.
They go way up, twisting and turning around the corners of the square room... You don't want to walk all the way up, but they should take you somewhere interesting at least.

As you go, your phone rings, it is dead silent as you pick up and start going up...
The voice on the other side is soft, reassuring, suave... And I hate to say this but the best way it can be described is "Probably what you think a tumblr sexyman sounds like" with a fancy and extravagant accent... Either way, it works wonders on the mind of this lonely loser.
(That is Lynn. You. You're the loser.)
And as charming as this man sounds... Is he only here to egg you on?

"Impressive. You've made it. I knew you could."
"Past these stairs is the secret office of your next target, and the owner of this mall. From up there, she has a nice view of everything that belongs to her. What is power, if you cannot enjoy it? I'm sure you've had some... Enjoyment of your own in her turf, already."
"Cynthia Caine, the 9th ranked assassin, is known for her treachery and brutality... She waits for targets to let their guard down, then guts them like fish... Someone as gullible and easy to bend like you should be easy prey. I give you about a 30% chance to survive this encounter... But I believe in you... See past her deception, slay her, and you will be ranked 9th in the UAA rankings."
"I know, this seems like a lot, but you've been handling yourself excellently thus far! I so look forward to seeing you, fighting like the fierce beast you are! Never give up!"
"Believe in your inner strength! Believe in your heart!"

"Welcome... To the Garden of Madness!"
*Click.*

The call ends.

At the top of the staircase you find a bright red door with a pair of candy canes forming an X.
This must be the spot.

>Kick the door open! Enter with power!
>Slice the door open! Show your style!
>Simply enter. Why show off?
>Knock before going in.

(Last post for today. Tomorrow's when shit goes down it seems.)

>>5760673
>Slice the door open! Show your style!
We're gonna look like a real dingus if we kick it and it' a 'pull' door. Also thanks for running, QM! Love me some NMH and you're doing great capturing the feel so far!

>>5760673
>Simply enter. Why show off?
But menacingly.

>>5760673
>Simply enter. Why show off?
Your spine got folded just a while ago, maybe go easy on the entrance.
You should probably go to the bathroom first, just in case.

>>5760673
>>Slice the door open! Show your style!

>>5760673
>>Simply enter. Why show off?

>>Simply enter. Why show off?

>>5760673
>Knock before going in.
It’s be rude not to after all.

(OP here, today's update may be a bit late, just letting you all know)
>>5760510
>Don't the two 3s in a row count as a lucky event
also yes it should've but there was only one enemy left and i didnt have the energy to do a "you get a power-up and lose it instantly" gag at the moment

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>>5760685
>>5760717
>>5760941
>>5761093
>>5761165
>>5761195
>>5761199
You are still too tired from taking a shit and getting your back broken. (And not in a fun way...)
You want to do a big spectacular entrance, but man, who cares. Fuck that. Fuck this. Let's just go inside...
But nothing could prepare for the horrors that lie beyond that door...

...An office!
Well. Not really just that. This was a special office, one only for VIPs. The walls were painted red, and decorated with many candy-related trophies and photos. This is some Willy W*nka shit. "Best Chocolate of 2016"? "Most Children Satisfied 2005", "Sweetest Flavor Award", "Guines Record for most Bubble Gum Swallowed"... A cozy rug sits in the middle, shaped like a lollipop, the stick of which was pointed towards a dark red wooden desk. You raise your sight, and see...
The one sitting there, on a very tiny rotating chair, in front of a huge window with a scenic view to the rest of the mall...
"Oh, Mall Santa, only you get me..."
A curvy, mature businesswoman with short hair and a dark red pinstripe suit strokes the beard of a guy dressed up as Santa Claus. Was this some kind of weird fetish thing? Maybe she really likes Christmas. The man doesn't say anything, he just grins, and despite looking directly at you, he doesn't seem to react to your arrival.
"All I want for the holidays... Is for our sweetness to flow forever~" She says as she keeps sitting on his knees like a child. Why is he on her chair anyway? "Love your beard so much, it's so busy, hoohoohuhuhu~!" Okay it may be a weird fetish thing.
Unfortunately it seems she is too giddy to notice you either.
That or your challenge just means that little to her.
Not like you can blame her, you're also pretty distracted on your own remembering something completely unrelated...

What now?
>Cough a couple times to try and get her attention.
>Wave your hands in the air like you don't care.
>Fly through the people as they stop to look and stare. Do your dance, do your dance, do your dance for me, maaaaama come on baby tell me what's the w- NO! Come on man we gotta FOCUS! Talk to her!

>>5761303
>Fly through the people as they stop to look and stare. Do your dance, do your dance, do your dance for me, maaaaama come on baby tell me what's the w- NO! Come on man we gotta FOCUS! Talk to her!
How can I not pick this?

>>5761303
>Wave your hands in the air like you don't care.
I wanna see where this goes.

>Fly through the people as they stop to look and stare. Do your dance, do your dance, do your dance for me, maaaaama come on baby tell me what's the w- NO! Come on man we gotta FOCUS! Talk to her!

>>5761303
>Fly through the people as they stop to look and stare. Do your dance, do your dance, do your dance for me, maaaaama come on baby tell me what's the w- NO! Come on man we gotta FOCUS! Talk to her!

>>5761303
>>Cough a couple times to try and get her attention.

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>>5761325
>>5761331
>>5761398
>>5761410
>>5761417

You speak up, trying to get Cameo's greatest hits out of your head.
"Yo! Over here, douchebag! Just like the rules said!"
The time, 5:50 AM. The location, Destroy Mall. The target, right in front of you.
How dare she ignore you for sexy times with Mall Santa?

No matter how good an assassin is, as long as they are affiliated with the association, they must follow it's rules!

And yet, it seems like you caught her at a very... Awkward moment. She was shocked to see you once you spoke. She really did not notice you at all.
The woman quickly and effortlessly tosses her flirting partner out the big window behind them. It shatters into a million pieces. He probably does too when he hits the ground.
Completely unfazed by what she just did, she leans over her desk, giving you a condescending look.
Her words are as venomous as they are experienced.
"So you're number 10, huh? Made it all the way to my VIP area... Uninvited... Bet you think you're hot shit, hm?"
"...You're just a skank. Like me. Let's not pretend we're any better, now..."
"But me? I am a skank that demands respect. Without respect, a skank is just a bitch. That's what you are. Just another lost puppy looking for a big break. I've done this for 20 damn years. Big breaks don't exist."
"Little bitches like you love chasing the impossible... Until it gets them killed... Death is the only exit for a proper skank..."

"So, you see all around me, you see my power. I revel in it every day, and for what? It reminds me how much blood I had to pour to get this far. Nothing is ever accomplished by being a good girl... So, you, tell me... What do YOU want...?"

>Write in only...

>>5761435
>I wanna kick your ass and go home. Now get down from the office chair, Business Nerd.

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>>5761435
>"I'm here to chew ass and kick bubblegum. And I'm all out of ass."

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>>5761454
>>5761470
"TRICK QUESTION! I don't give a shit."
She looks out the now broken window, a bit wistful, but not too bothered.
"It doesn't matter. Nobody cares. It's probably some simplistic, juvenile nonsense like being number 1, isn't it? But you'll find out it's impossible... Mostly because you will die here."
"We are prisoners, the both of us. Really, you may not see it, but I'm doing you a solid here. The only exit for skanks like us... Is death."

You grab your lance and get ready to cowardly push her off the room while her back is turned.
You try to say a cool line. "Then it's exit for you!" But as you get close, you get tossed back as she raises her arms and shouts:

"HENSHIN!"
Her pants EXPLODE, her fancy suit can barely contain the power, as it splits, and a large, weirdly melted-and-spiky looking candy cane falls directly into her hands.

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>>5761475

"So why aren't you a sweetie, and surrender your life to me?!"

https://youtu.be/ZNFyE9cJz9o
[It's Boss Fight Time!!!]

(Last update for today. Tomorrow... BATTLE...)

>>5761476
zam, well at least our lance can deal with it. if we had a sword it'd be a counter

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>>5761476
NEO UAA Rank 9: Cynthia "Candy" Caine.
FIGHT!

As she spins her weapon in preparation, you firmly hold your own. Rise and shine! It's the first UAA Ranked Match of the season!
At least for you. That you're aware of.
Only now does it hit you what this means, but surely your bravado will help you pull through!
It seems she uses the cane as some sort of hook... Getting caught even once might spell the end of you.
"Let's see if you can back up all the shit you say!" You yell as you try to get your mind in the zone... But who will throw the first blow?

>Run ahead to try and get the first hit! Get the initiative! [ATTACK] (HIGH)
>Wait for her to throw her hook, it looks heavy, you should be able to counter attack when she does!
>Wait for her to move first, taunt her if you must, but don't attack yet...

Rolled 80 (1d100)

>>5761906
>Run ahead to try and get the first hit! Get the initiative! [ATTACK] (HIGH)

Rolled 31 (1d100)

>>5761906
>Run ahead to try and get the first hit! Get the initiative! [ATTACK] (HIGH)
She has the advantage at this distance. Waiting is too high risk.

>>5761906
>Run ahead to try and get the first hit! Get the initiative! [ATTACK] (HIGH)

Rolled 11 (1d100)

>>5761906
>>Run ahead to try and get the first hit! Get the initiative! [ATTACK] (HIGH)

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>>5761910 (winrer)
>>5761946
>>5761959
>>5761989

You were right to think the weapon is heavy, but why wait? Your blood is hot NOW! Go!
You run towards her as she observes your posture. "Hm. Inexperienced. Pathetic. Weak!" She tries to hit with a kick... But you go high, and avoid her leg as you slice downwards from the top!
"Hrrk! Ah, but that makes you unpredictable...!" She responds to the hit with a smirk. You did do damage, but it's gonna take way more than that to bring down a ranked assassin! She barely even flinched, as she raises her weapon into the air to bring it down on you!
But it seems like more of a ranged weapon, surely if you stay close it should be fine? Or maybe it's not time to feel safe yet. You don't even know what her strategy will be!

>Keep hitting! Get greedy! [ATTACK]
>Move away from her, backwards! [DODGE] (LOW)
>Sidestep and see where this goes [DODGE] (HIGH)
(Remember, options that say [DODGE] mean you have to call HIGH or LOW, no rolling.)

>>5762079
>>Move away from her, backwards! [DODGE] (LOW)

>>5762079
>Sidestep and see where this goes [DODGE] (HIGH)

>>5762079
>>Sidestep and see where this goes [DODGE] (HIGH)

Rolled 73 (1d100)

>>5762135
>>5762139
>>5762094

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>>5762155
You side step at the very last minute, pushed by adrenaline as she brings the candy-shaped hook down slamming the floor with such power that the whole room shakes, if you had been caught you don't see yourself surviving that! Her entire desk and everything on it flies out the window due to the impact and it's following tremor. You barely manage to stay on your feet.
But it's not like you're safe yet, though maybe you see an opportunity? An opening? That hook seems embedded on the ground, and it is pretty heavy as we just confirmed.

So... How to take advantage of this?
>Just try to jump at her and attack her! ...Wait a minute, you cannot jump! Well... Try to catch her on the way down? [ATTACK] (HIGH)
>Grab and yank the chain on her weapon! That will surely trip her up!
>Attack... The... Weapon? [ATTACK]
>Something creative? Write in option.

>>5762165
(Wow I messed up the formatting. Oops. Sorry!)

Rolled 72 (1d100)

>>5762165
>Grab and yank the chain on her weapon! That will surely trip her up!
low

Rolled 62 (1d100)

>>5762165
>Just try to jump at her and attack her! ...Wait a minute, you cannot jump! Well... Try to catch her on the way down? [ATTACK] (HIGH)

Rolled 29 (1d100)

>>5762165
>>Just try to jump at her and attack her! ...Wait a minute, you cannot jump! Well... Try to catch her on the way down? [ATTACK] (HIGH)

Rolled 18 (1d100)

>>5762165
>>Grab and yank the chain on her weapon! That will surely trip her up!
Low

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>>5762212
A very unwise idea, that chain is way heavier than you expect it to be, only she can move it, and quickly catching up to your plan, SMASHES you against a wall. "How 'bout a jawbreaker!" she yells as you hit the thick walls of her office and can feel some bones crack again... You're pretty certain that took like 1/5th of your health. Whatever that means.
Either way, this helps you formulate somewhat of an strategy:
"...That weapon hits hard. Avoid it at all costs to not die."
...Didn't say it was a particularly useful one.

>>5762235 (win)
>>5762304
As you... Un-stick yourself from the wall, you manage to do so as she brings back her cane towards her hands, pulling the heavy chain closer with little effort... Turning her back to you!
You drop down with a swing from above, briefly surpassing your gameplay-related jumping-impediment, hitting her right on the back of the head and drawing blood! This is a much more substantial hit than the one before, but as a wise man once said:
"If it bleeds, we can kill it!"
Motivated by the shocking breakthrough that humans do bleed, even if they are super professional assassins, you feel ready to take another shot!
Make sure to make it count!

>Do a charged attack! You get i-frames on those. (I think...) [ATTACK]
>Try to do a flurry of strikes to follow, maybe it stuns her! [ATTACK]

(Last post for today. The battle rages on...!)

Rolled 68 (1d100)

>>5762375
>>Do a charged attack! You get i-frames on those. (I think...) [ATTACK]
Low

Rolled 52 (1d100)

>>5762375
>Do a charged attack! You get i-frames on those. (I think...) [ATTACK]
HIGH

Rolled 67 (1d100)

>>5762375
>Try to do a flurry of strikes to follow, maybe it stuns her! [ATTACK]
low

Rolled 87 (1d100)

>>5762375
>Do a charged attack! You get i-frames on those. (I think...) [ATTACK]
High

(Updates will be late today if i do. just kinda feeling lame rn. sorry)

Rolled 49 (1d100)

>>5762375
>Do a charged attack! You get i-frames on those. (I think...) [ATTACK]
High

Rolled 66 (1d100)

>>5762375
>>Do a charged attack! You get i-frames on those. (I think...) [ATTACK]
High

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Rolled 42 (1d100)

>>5762375
>>Do a charged attack! You get i-frames on those. (I think...) [ATTACK]
High

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(We live again!)
>>5762379
>>5762413
>>5762417
>>5762599(winrar)
>>5762997
>>5763085
>>5763773
With a courageous step and the strength of your anonymous fans (which you surely have, everyone loves underdogs.) you charge up that weapon. It is as simple as holding down a button on the side but only now did you feel like you truly needed it.
The blade glows brighter as you thrust it forward towards your stunned enemy, they try to retaliate but her hook moves right past you like nothing as you send her tumbling to the floor!
"L-Lucky shot, you stupid skank!" she yells back as she struggles to get back up! Wait, could it be...?
Do you actually have the advantage here?! Hell yeah!

How will you use it?
>Continue striking! Do not let down! [ATTACK]
>Use the downtime to recharge, just to be sure.
>Taunt her because you rule and she sucks.

Rolled 38 (1d100)

>>5763871
>Continue striking! Do not let down! [ATTACK]
high
we recharge when we empty

Rolled 85 (1d100)

>>5763871
>>Continue striking! Do not let down! [ATTACK]
Low

Rolled 69 (1d100)

>>5763871
>>Continue striking! Do not let down! [ATTACK]
HIGH

>>5763871
>>Taunt her because you rule and she sucks.

>>5763896
>>5763899
>>5763909(ween)
Your flurry of strikes is done quickly and without a plan, though it seems like this is what she expected, as she tanks through the damage in an attempt to do a heavy attack of her own! However...
You can't fail to notice that your attacks are pushing her ever so closer to the edge of the room, in particular towards where the huge broken window was...
>>5763923
"Hey fuckhead, I'm right here! And I'm here to stay!"
You try to get her angry. Why? I dunno, but it does kinda seem to work, she is looking pretty mad right now. "I'll have your soul with some syrup after I'm done with you!" Great. Wahoo! She is focusing on a deadly attack! What will you do?!

>Offense is the best defense! [ATTACK]
>Defense is the best offense! [DODGE]
>Fuck it. What if we kick her?

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>>5763995
(Forgot my image now. Shit. Guess that means it's sleep time. Tomorrow, more violence.)

>>5763995
>Fuck it. What if we kick her?

Rolled 49 (1d100)

>>5763995
>>Offense is the best defense! [ATTACK]
High

Rolled 77 (1d100)

>>5763995
>Offense is the best defense! [ATTACK]
high

>>5763995
>Defense is the best offense! [DODGE]
LOW
That thing is heavy, trying to hit it head on is going to end badly.

>>5763995
>>Fuck it. What if we kick her?

>>5763995
>>Fuck it. What if we kick her?

Rolled 95 (1d100)

>>5764257

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>>5764013
>>5764164
>>5764169
>>5764386
>>5764451
>>5764456
>>5764257
Surprisingly, your wild offense seems to work! You've pushed her off the window... Sorta, she manages to balance herself on the edge after the initial kick and tries to strike back, but you follow up with a very strong poke of your lance!
Breaking some of the glass, she goes flying out, and falls off!
...Unfortunately not without the cane hitting you right on the head and knocking you down in the process.
But hey, you got her! Right? ...Right? Somehow this doesn't feel right.
As you slowly get up from the floor, you can only wonder why you have that weird, nagging feeling, like you missed something...

>Relax, it must be nothing, she probably just hasn't hit the floor yet, you ARE pretty high up...
>Better make sure that you are in the clear. Look down to make sure she is really dead.
>Break the 4th wall to check the HUD and see what's wrong.

>>5764462
>>Better make sure that you are in the clear. Look down to make sure she is really dead

>>5764462
>Better make sure that you are in the clear. Look down to make sure she is really dead.
No second forms for you, bitch

>>5764462
>Better make sure that you are in the clear. Look down to make sure she is really dead.
no using bankai here

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>>5764542
>>5764653
>>5764667
Good call. Better safe than sorry.
Though, speaking of second phases... Her health bar is still not gone.
As you look down... Yup, that is a hook speeding towards you, to pull you down! And at this distance, I'm afraid it's unavoidable.
Still you didn't let it catch you by surprise, so while you ARE going down... You can make sure you fall on top of this situation!

>Hold on to it and avoid the spikes, follow her down!
>Try to avoid it by jumping down and try to tackle her!
>Aim your Beam Lance downwards for a final stab!

(Unrelated, but has this battle been going on for too long or is it fine? Just asking for feedback here.)

>>5764704
>Aim your Beam Lance downwards for a final stab!
I think the lenght is okay, specialy for a 1st battle

(Alright, well I'll see in the morning if there are more replies... Is the thread autosaging btw?)

>>5764704
>Aim your Beam Lance downwards for a final stab!
Yeah the fight feels fine, doesn't feel much longer than Death Metal's fight, kinda wished we took the 4th wall break option because I remember the first stage having more of them

>>5764704
>>Aim your Beam Lance downwards for a final stab!
Little too long for me, but I don't mind

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>>5764717
>>5764845
>>5765106

As you descend, she reveals her ace up her sleeve:
What's better than one giant candy cane? Two of them!
"I was savin' this for the second phase of our battle... But you've pissed me off, I want you dead NOW!"

As she spins both of them in the air, you let your mind wander for a moment... You are very high, but this fall feels like it could last forever... But this is not a movie, or a game, or some weird anime. Your life is truly at risk here, as is hers... Is that not why people fight? To survive? Is there more to life? The only reason you are here was that, survival. But surviving is not the same as living, is it? And you can have it all sorted out, like this bitch. Have your own personal mall Santa or whatever the fuck you want. But is that gonna do... Anything? Is that all that living is? Being able to get whatever idiotic desire you want? All your whims, becoming reality? And suddenly, you have everything and nothing at once?
Can't find the exit... Can't find the exit...

You can see the previously defenestrated corpse of Mall Santa. That might help break your fall, this is all a gamble. You are gambling your life, holding onto your lance since your life depends on it... You could also try overloading it, hoping the impact and it's following shockwave helps you not break every bone once you hit the floor...
It's a gamble, all of it...
>Try to avoid the dual candy hooks and focus on falling somewhere soft, like the body, taking her down with you.
>Charge your lance above the safe levels and drive her to the floor and rely on the impact to bounce you up.
>Do neither. Just let yourself go.

>>5765516
>>Charge your lance above the safe levels and drive her to the floor and rely on the impact to bounce you up

>>5765516
>Charge your lance above the safe levels and drive her to the floor and rely on the impact to bounce you up.

>>5765516
>>Charge your lance above the safe levels and drive her to the floor and rely on the impact to bounce you up

(Next update will have to be a big one so I'll leave it for tomorrow, sorry)

>>5765516
>>Charge your lance above the safe levels and drive her to the floor and rely on the impact to bounce you up.

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>>5765520
>>5765581
>>5765583
>>5766697

Well it's all gamble, so why bother thinking?
You decide to say fuck it and do some gonzo anime bullshit. Probably the stupidest idea you've ever had. This is ridiculous and suicidal. You will NOT survive this. What the fuck were you thinking? This will NOT work. At all.
Well, who cares.
As if your life is worth anything, you probably think as you hold down your weapon, firmly, descending straight into your enemy, charging it to full power and hoping it overheats and explodes or SOMETHING.
Falling all the way to the bottom, to the first floor, you wonder if maybe dying like this wouldn't be so bad. Sure, you will die, very few will know, but it is a pretty cool way to go...
Maybe this is... That exit you need?

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>>5766756
(cont.)
It would be fitting to say this is where life flashes before your eyes... But you have to wonder, is there really anything worth remembering? Dying here, what would you leave to the world? No, instead of a flashback to all of your life, you remember the specifics that got you here... That one day, just like any other...

The UAA has been a constant in an otherwise normal society, pitting wonderful and skilled psychos against each other for the world to watch.
Drama, excitement, action, stars, heroes, villains, and of course, blood.

All you know about this hidden world however is from rumors and whispers, but this whole thing is out of your depth... As you are.
After all, you're just a mid-30-ish womanchild who struggles to get by, consuming junk food and even trashier anime as you sit in your room and sometimes jack off, like the virgin you probably are too... Not for lack of trying, mind you.
All you have is a shitty motel room, a sofa, and a dream... Well, no. Ignore that last item. You are aimless as fuck to boot. You had a dog too, to keep you company, but whenever you posted photos with him online they kept saying "You Just Know". And you didn't know. And once you did you gave the dog away.
So what to do with life? Go out to drink with some of the few friends you've got left, or people who pretend to be your friends, close enough to the real thing... Then get drunk out of your mind and hope someone sticks behind to drive you home.
But that night no one did.

As you stumble around an alley, a man who looks like a random yet shiny hobo jumps ahead on your path, you don't know WHY he is there, or what the fuck he's blabbing about, or what his face looks like. It is all a blur. You could swear he pulls out a big ass katana however-
Deciding that maybe you don't wanna see what his shiny new knife does as he lunges at you, you gracefully panic and trip over pathetically, not even noticing as the broken bottle in your hand embeds into his chest as he falls on top of you, directly around his heart. You pass away.
Hours later, you wake up, surrounded by blood, and a corpse still next to you, eyes wide open in shock... That feeling of hangover only got way worse as a pair of men holding weird cleaning equipment block the alley's only exit, and on the other side, a sharp-dressed man on a white suit who you swear you saw at the bar the previous night, leans over to inspect the body before snapping some pics of it with his phone...
"Incredible... Kaiser Diamond... I told him getting so hasty would get to him some day~" And a dry chuckle.
Before you have any chance to process what happened, he addresses you directly:

"Lynn Lionhunt, congratulations, you are now the Number 10th Ranked Assassin on the UAA. Nobody thought you'd make it! Better be prepared to follow up that performance!"

...Well, it doesn't seem like you have an option. And now, you have died

Nah I'm just fucking with you.

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>>5766788
(cont.)
Against all odds, you've survived.
Dizzy as hell, but you did, as you hold your head, shaky and weak, you wonder why exactly did you live. What purpose could there be for you? The Justice Piercer is clean out of charge. The explosion must've depleted it all. Not like you can fight in your current state...
...Unfortunately, your opponent barely survived too. Man, these assassins are TOUGH. Fitting for such heroic status, but it is getting annoying.
With a groan you turn around, as she yells: "Skank! I will liberate your soul, and this is how you repay me?! I'll kill the shit out of you! Then I will devour your sweet, sweet soul!" as she brandishes her two candy cane hooks up high, before going for a final kill shot...
Too tired to do anything, you simply crouch, a weak attempt to dodge the incoming attack... Which somehow works.
Both chains wrap around the pole perfectly, turning a full 180 and returning to sender, soon, they're stuck on the back of Candy's neck!
That... Worked out...
It's like luck was on your side.
Perhaps... There is a purpose for you in this life. As the chains remain stuck, you know deep within you that there is only one move. You smirk, as the options are clear. You must yank the chain and...

>KILL
>KILL!!!
>KILL!!!!!

>>5766849
>KILL!!!!!
Let's goooooooooooooooooooooooooo https://youtu.be/y6B9gM26KRM?si=PLwYyW89CybDPaU2

>>5766849
>KILL
Let's not get carried away here. Yank those chains too hard and they could veer in the wrong direction.

>>5766849
>>KILL

>>5766859
>>5766927
>>5766943

No words are necessary.

Candy Caine
D E A D
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRTWsYkP87Y

(Last update for today... Tomorrow I should properly close "Chapter 1" and evaluate if I should keep going forward and how. Respond to feedback etc. This is my first time running a quest here, so it's extra important to me. I just didn't wanna interrupt the action before, is all. Also special shoutouts to >>5766859 for accidentally(?) giving our main character an image song. Never played that game myself. Anyway, thank you for murdering today!)

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>>5766995
(Just realized I forgot my image. Again. I gotta stop doing that.)

>>5766995
>Also special shoutouts to >>5766859 (You) for accidentally(?) giving our main character an image song. Never played that game myself.
hehe thanks OP. I myself haven't played it as well, but I've seen most of the story and thought this song would fit in this quest.

>>5766995
Wonder what we're gonna do in the downtime between targets.

>>5766995
Digging it so far, looking forward to the downtime.
This might be me talking out of my ass, but don't be afraid to hard counter the PC during bossfights. That shouldn't mean they're impossible or they're all puzzle bosses that can't be beaten with normal means, just that the bosses should have enough room to breathe, express themselves and show us what they're about. I think Candy was fine in that regard (when comparing her to Death Metal and Helter Skelter, Mr Black Hole had a bit more characterization), but I worry player choice and a couple lucky rolls could steamroll a boss character before they have a chance to shine.

I also would love to see some sort of "assassin chargen" where certain decisions throughout the quest would influence the design and personality of a future boss. I'm completely fine with a premade PC, but boss design feels like the kind of thing that would be the most interesting element of NMH to collaboratively workshop.

>>5766995
>>5767005
Blood seems to momentarily rain from above, as you fall to your knees and stare at the headless corpse in front of you.
The mall was so quiet.
During the day it was busy, noisy, full of people, full of lights, conversations. Full of life. But at night it seems death has arrived, along with the death of it's owner. No sounds besides the dripping blood.

You have some time alone before they show up.
The men from the UAA.

The handsome man with the well combed hairdo and that charming stubble, handsome as ever, is the first to step ahead, looking like a star, and catching the attention as he fixed his fancy suit a little.
"Impressive. You've done it."
His smooth voice is almost hypnotic, it can't fail to catch your attention.
"Congratulations, Lynn, you are now the 9th ranked UAA Assassin. I am impressed. I was worried for a bit, but you managed to pull though. That was a nerve-wracking fight, I bet. You deserve some rest after this... But first there are some important matters to attend. Like a picture!"
He pulls out a camera, as the two cleaning men begin to dispose of the corpse.
Well it seems they need to take a picture now that you're officially on the top 9...

What will you do?
>Stylish pose for the camera.
>Sexy pose for the camera.
>Don't bother posing at all.
>"Hey, I'm not gonna let you take pics of me!"
>Instead try to get answers from him.

>>5767505
>>Sexy pose for the camera.

>>5767505
>Don't bother posing at all.
Oh shit a BUG JUST FLEW INTO OUR MOUTH FUCK

>>5767576
>>5767628
You try to pose for the photo, but a fly suddenly goes into your mouth. The photo ends up looking so awkward that he won't even show it to you.
He just chuckles at it before saving it. Everybody will see it.
"Very well. I hope you can keep surprising us!" He somehow remains cheerful, but then a new voice is heard.

A man with spiky, short black hair and a pair of shitty round sunglasses steps into the room. He was wearing some business casual shit. He looks kinda like a dipshit. "You're doing great, Lynn! Audience numbers are rising like mad!" It seems like our man, the silver-haired guy, doesn't really like this guy either. He doesn't speak, you just see it in his face.

"You did a great job scouting this one out, Scotty!" The business man refers to our handler, "Scott", the foreigner who's been following your progress all this time... You don't even know his last name. But you bet it's cool. Regardless, this other guy is... He has a certain stink to him. It only gets worse once he introduces himself.
"Neil Desmont. UAA Producer." He smiles and extends his hand in greeting. You can't help but to notice a weird scar on his face. He kinda looks like...?
...No, it couldn't possibly be that man. Totally different facial features.
You obviously don't shake his hand, but he doesn't seem offended...

As the clean up crew is close to finishing it's job, you wonder what comes next. Probably should ask a question. Only one though...
>Ask "Scott" for his full name. And do you have any chance with him?
>Ask what happens now that you are Number 9. Any benefits?
>Ask if you'll get anything special once you become Number 1.

>>5767647
>Ask what happens now that you are Number 9. Any benefits?

>>5767647
>Ask what happens now that you are Number 9. Any benefits?
Something tells me we're gonna need better healthcare

>>5767647
>Ask what happens now that you are Number 9. Any benefits?
It'd be funny if we ended up organizing with other assassins to negotiate benefits.

>>5767647
>>Ask "Scott" for his full name. And do you have any chance with him?

>>5767647
>Ask if you'll get anything special once you become Number 1.

>>5767649
>>5767651
>>5767678 (That is the funniest shit I've had someone suggest so far)
>>5767679
>>5767702

Eventually, you decide to stop daydreaming and focus on the now.
"So, now I'm ranked 9th, do I... Win anything? Any special rewards? I'm a celebrity now, pretty much." Well you were exaggerating a bit, but you still made your point. Scott seems to find your enthusiasm funny or amusing as he shakes his head with a stiffed chuckle.
Neil leaves, probably sensing that nobody wants or needs him here. Good. That guy really blows. Still, what does an UAA higher-up want with you personally? After all, somehow, you feel like you remember him... From somewhere... Somewhere dark... Isolated... Wet... Strange...
Your past was nothing special, you thought, and he didn't look old enough to be a long lost relative of yours like your deadbeat father or something. He was someone else.
A person from completely different world. But what could it be? A dream? Some traumatic childhood experience?

Eventually, you decide to stop daydreaming and focus on the now. In particular, to the handsome man who has been kindly and in great detail been answering your question for the past 5 minutes, you miss the entire explanation except for the very end of it.
"...affiliated services. As such you understand and agree that from now onwards, a small donation from you will be required before we can set up your next ranking battle. Standard procedure. You can send your payment at any ATM around the city..."
"But, you must be exhausted. Hop on the limo, and we'll take you back home, okay?" He was still kind to you, at least.

Well, it would be too awkward to ask him to repeat it all, so silently, you nod and get into that classy ride. That must be one of the benefits. Right?
"Oh, and before I forget... You probably should get a vehicle of your own. A car, or motorcycle... Hell, maybe a horse. Whatever you wish, but it will be of great help going forward."
You do not get to keep the limo.

As they drive away, you look through the window, one last look at the mall.
Only then do you notice the excellent work of the clean up crew... It looked like nothing had happened at all. And the corpse? No sign of it.
You silently wonder if one day, you will also disappear without a trace.


CHAPTER 1: FOLLY
* * END. * *

>>5767754
Should've asked for name too ya kno

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https://youtu.be/sIB_LwtR9sg

[NEW HIGH SCORE !!]
[#1: =============]
[#2: =============]
[#3: =============]
[#4: =============]
[#5: =============]
[#6: =============]
[#7: =============]
[#8: =============]
[#9: Lynn Lionhunt]
[X=Candy Caine=X][DEAD]

Press Any Button To Continue...

>>5768424
Allright time to make mad cash from menial labor

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>>5768424
(And that's it for now. I'll try to reply later to some of the feedback and whatnot. Chapter 1 over. Think I'll take like a week-long break before continuing? Not sure. Again this is my first time running a quest, so still wondering what works and doesn't. Specifically I also have been thinking if maybe I should skip the 'levels' leading to the boss. 3 already kinda did, but I'm not sure how to feel about it)
>>5768428
That's the best part, yes.
>>5767504
>assassin chargen
Sounds fun, though I already went ahead of myself and designed most of the upcoming bosses (mostly as just a creative exercise) but there's one or two I could just scrap if we can collectively come up with something better... I just don't know exactly how that'd be done.
>>5759296
NMH is, in essence, a murderhobo quest from the premise. I had to think of an MC that could make it at least kinda different.

>>5768424
F

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NO MORE HEROES QUEST will continue soon!

>>5775577
thanks

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https://youtu.be/_fcRM4cRkbQ

"Alright... So a bit of a recap, because this shit makes no sense...
So, Lynn Lionhunt. Piece of shit loser, that's me. Missed out on many things life had to offer, one day I get drunk as shit and wake up next to a dead guy
Dead guy was quite special. One of 10 super assassins for this shady organization...
Now, I knew someone was after me, handsome guy with dyed hair kept showing up and now I'm stuck in this weird game
"Beat all the ranked assassins, become number one." Sounds easy, doesn't it?
Probably not, though I already killed one that lady sure was tough
but I'll keep pushing. Why, you ask?
I'm nobody. This is my chance to become someone. Yours too!
8 more enemies stand above. It's kill or be killed. Gonna need all the help I can get.
This is my quest, and yours, to become number 1!

So, what're we waiting for? Let's take heads and get answers!

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>>5776440
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bUqxn1FHB4
...Or not.
It was another long day and night of ennui. You felt like you deserved it after a job well done. The battle was in the middle of the night so as soon as you got home you collapsed. Finally sitting up feels weird.
Some days 4 PM is "good morning".
Still tired, but your brain has relaxed somewhat.
The new Bizarre Jelly Gaiden OVA was out this week. Normally you wouldn't have a "job" to keep you away from such things, but now you do... Quotation marks added since, well, assassination is never really an official job, is it? This UAA thing is as close as it gets for this kind of things. And, well, they do seem rather legit... Except for one part...
"A small donation from you will be required before we can set up your next ranking battle."
...Right. Well that was a pain in the ass. What kind of job asks YOU to pay THEM? Well, it is how you rise on the ranks, which is the only way to go...
Not only that, but they said you needed a vehicle. Makes sense considering these assassins could be anywhere. You need to be able to reach their home turf with ease.
That and... Your weapon may have broken a bit after that intense energy burst after the last fight. You know someone who could fix it for you, at least...

...Still, the UAA won't pay for either of these.
So this fucking sucks. You almost just want to go back to bed.
But then you may get killed by the new rank 10 while you sleep and miss the new Bizarre Jelly, so up you go.
* * [ Chapter 2: Barrels ] * *

In Santa Destroy there are many places to visit, but even the most violent and notorious assassin needs some allies. Choose 2 of these characters to trust, the rest will also assist you, but they won't be as close:
>Rena Yozoruchi: The other MILF in your life after you killed the last one in the previous chapter, she works at K*Job Center, where you can take on various jobs for cash. She kinda hates you, so she likes to give you the more humiliating ones. For fun.
>"Pimpslap" McGraw: A pimp and low-level drug dealer, he sold you drugs at a party once but you lost them and he feels sorry for you. He also saved your life once, during an incident you can't quite remember...
>"Eri" Rei: A crossdresser that you met casually by watching him do a dirty camshow online and then formally when you needed your PC repaired, he is good with anything involving machines, may even get you new weapons.
>Cornelia Criskonoskii: An old acquaintance from high school, overweight and a bit stinky, knows how to read tarot cards to a semi-professional extent. Secretely still holds a grudge on you for trying to fuck her brother.
>VVOLFSLEYR: A masked man who never grew out of his edgy phase, likes controversy over anything else. He draws very inappropriate porn and shitposts as his "job" all day. Has a kink for nazi outfits despite being jewish. May be a furry.

>>5776492
(Ran out of space but the 2 with more votes will be chosen.)

Rolled 2 (1d2)

>>5776440

>>5776492
>"Pimpslap" McGraw: A pimp and low-level drug dealer, he sold you drugs at a party once but you lost them and he feels sorry for you. He also saved your life once, during an incident you can't quite remember...
>VVOLFSLEYR: A masked man who never grew out of his edgy phase, likes controversy over anything else. He draws very inappropriate porn and shitposts as his "job" all day. Has a kink for nazi outfits despite being jewish. May be a furry.

>>5776492
>"Eri" Rei: A crossdresser that you met casually by watching him do a dirty camshow online and then formally when you needed your PC repaired, he is good with anything involving machines, may even get you new weapons.
>VVOLFSLEYR: A masked man who never grew out of his edgy phase, likes controversy over anything else. He draws very inappropriate porn and shitposts as his "job" all day. Has a kink for nazi outfits despite being jewish. May be a furry.

>>5776492
>>Rena Yozoruchi: The other MILF in your life after you killed the last one in the previous chapter, she works at K*Job Center, where you can take on various jobs for cash. She kinda hates you, so she likes to give you the more humiliating ones. For fun.
>>"Pimpslap" McGraw: A pimp and low-level drug dealer, he sold you drugs at a party once but you lost them and he feels sorry for you. He also saved your life once, during an incident you can't quite remember...

>>5776499
(nice 2

anyway I'll wait to see more votes tomorrow when i wake up, this is a pretty important decision)

>>5776492
>Rena Yozoruchi: The other MILF in your life after you killed the last one in the previous chapter, she works at K*Job Center, where you can take on various jobs for cash. She kinda hates you, so she likes to give you the more humiliating ones. For fun.
>"Pimpslap" McGraw: A pimp and low-level drug dealer, he sold you drugs at a party once but you lost them and he feels sorry for you. He also saved your life once, during an incident you can't quite remember...

>>5776492
>Rena Yozoruchi: The other MILF in your life after you killed the last one in the previous chapter, she works at K*Job Center, where you can take on various jobs for cash. She kinda hates you, so she likes to give you the more humiliating ones. For fun.
>VVOLFSLEYR: A masked man who never grew out of his edgy phase, likes controversy over anything else. He draws very inappropriate porn and shitposts as his "job" all day. Has a kink for nazi outfits despite being jewish. May be a furry.

>>5776492
>Rena Yozoruchi: The other MILF in your life after you killed the last one in the previous chapter, she works at K*Job Center, where you can take on various jobs for cash. She kinda hates you, so she likes to give you the more humiliating ones. For fun.
>"Pimpslap" McGraw: A pimp and low-level drug dealer, he sold you drugs at a party once but you lost them and he feels sorry for you. He also saved your life once, during an incident you can't quite remember...

(I think we have some clear winners, but I'll give it a few more hours, like 2-3)

>>5777316
(Alright well... We go, then)

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>>5777601
So you have 2 people who you could go ask for help, maybe borrow a little cash, they have your back! ...Maybe.
First there's Cole McGraw, a "gangsta" pimp who looks like he hasn't changed his outfit since the 70's, but he is trustworthy and seems to want you to succeed in life... And then there's the other option, of going to beg Miss Yozoruchi for a job or a favor, or two. You need anything you can get here!
But at least you're not alone, which is a small relief...
And yet despite these being your two most trusted people at the moment, you can't help but to think of them as stock photos at this present moment.

Well, one's gotta help you. You have decent chances with either...

Will you go visit...?
>Visit the pimp. He is like a weird mentor figure to you!
>Visit the lady. She always helps you when you need it!

>>5777627
>>Visit the pimp. He is like a weird mentor figure to you!

>>5777627
>Visit the pimp. He is like a weird mentor figure to you!

>>5777627
>Visit the lady. She always helps you when you need it!

>>5777664
>>5777668
>>5777669
Well, on your way you go... To visit McGraw...
As you have no vehicle you will just have to walk there, which sucks but a 9th ranked assassin can't afford a taxi either, you are seriously broke. You hope he'll listen to you.
Still, as soon as you exit the motel you see something interesting:
A homeless looking dude was squatting at the bottom of the stairs, he held a bottle in one hand, and a backpack in the other. Was he a traveler? He was dirty, pants partially covered in sand, a beanie and a long beard didn't let you take a good look at his wrinkly, old face. He looked... Tired.
But he was in your way, if you wanted to get anywhere, you'd have to get him to move.

So? How will you do that?
>Peacefully ask him to please move because you have somewhere to go.
>Attack him, push him out of the way, whatever. You don't have time for this.
>Careful, he might be a mystical kung-fu hobo, better just not disturb him.

>>5777719
>>Careful, he might be a mystical kung-fu hobo, better just not disturb him.

>>5777719
>Peacefully ask him to please move because you have somewhere to go.

>>5777719
>Careful, he might be a mystical kung-fu hobo, better just not disturb him.

>>5777719
>Peacefully ask him to please move because you have somewhere to go.

>>5777845
>>5777878
>>5777901
You decide he looks dangerous, after all your last experience with a hobo wasn't the best. Hopefully this one isn't an assassin too... Better not to take chances. You hop off the staircase to leave him alone. He barely moves or reacts, maybe he didn't even notice you.
Wait... He did give you a side-eye. Just as you were leaving.
The man probably knows something you don't, but he won't tell. No use in staying around, you've got somewhere to be.

And so, you walk...
You walk...
Did Santa Destroy get bigger overnight? No, you're probably just tired. Right.
Eventually you make it to that run down abandoned building where he hides his "business". Neon and lights are all the rage, but sometimes a more subtle approach is better. But there isn't even a sign or anything here... How's he gonna get clients like that? Well, nothing you should worry about. You knock on the door 3 times before someone opens. Some prostitute you've never seen before. Common stuff.
The inside was much more decorated than the outside, which made for an interesting contrast. You asked where "Pimpslap" McGraw was, and nobody took you seriously until the man showed up.
Tall, well-dressed, a bit too luxurious, he smirks as he recognizes you instantly "Ain't it the little mouse Lynn? You've been using them techniques I showed you?" He was, of course, talking about that time he tried to teach you the martial art of "Wushibitsu" while drunk a few weeks ago. Which he obviously made up.
"Okay okay, but for real... Whatcha business here? You betta' not want money. Been a rough couple weeks 'n here."
Well... You did want money. So that's bad.

What now?!
>Insist you need some cash, make up a bullshit reason if you have to. Who cares.
>You can trust this guy, just tell him the truth about your situation with the UAA rankings.
>Ask him if he's heard about the UAA or the assassin rankings, maybe get some info.
(Last update for today)

>>5777922
>>Insist you need some cash, make up a bullshit reason if you have to. Who cares.

>>5777922
>>Ask him if he's heard about the UAA or the assassin rankings, maybe get some info.

>>5777922
>Ask him if he's heard about the UAA or the assassin rankings, maybe get some info.

>>5777922
>Insist you need some cash, make up a bullshit reason if you have to. Who cares.

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>>5777936
>>5778152
>>5778161
>>5778332
You are at odds between two options, you can try to lie, but will it work? Truth is, you're not a great liar.
"Yeah it is an emergency, my uh... Uh... And... Err-" Ah shit. "I need money for cryptocurrency I will pay back-" Well that about the worst possible lie you could've come up with. At least it doesn't seem like he's mad because he just laughs about it.
"Hah! Cut me the bull! I know yo white girl ass messin' with them UAA bitches!" Oh, so he does know. Somehow. "A pimp's gotta have connections... And I saw one of my hoes watchin' the fight the other day. How'd you even get into THAT mess?!"
"Well not gettin' out now. Good thing I taught you how to fight!" Well, only kind of, you never paid much attention to his weird kung fu movie ramblings and all that, though he did show you how to use a broom once to defend yourself which probably helped... At least a bit.
You are alive, after all.
"...Yeah well..." You give him a quick run down of the situation, before asking him about the UAA, and what he knows about it.
"The UAA... I thought they were long gone, y'see?" He has to sit down to talk about this it seems, thankfully he has a big crummy-yet-comfortable couch right there. "United... Assassins... Association... They qualify who is the best hitman in the USA, and set up violent fights to the death for people to watch! Makes 'em cash, I assume. Even if it is 'dark web' shit... Lots of viewers..."
"Well, shit's tough. But it is weird. Thought those fuckers were dead and gone for good... You heard of the 'No More Hero'? Maybe you have. He got to number 1, and then decided to tear 'em down... But then he went missin'. And now they back. Still, something about 'em seems off..."
"Still, game's the same, beat the guy, take his rank. One's comin' for you sooner or later, you know?"
Well... Yeah. There is a new rank 10 now, someone who wants your head.
Gotta keep moving up to avoid that. But would that work?
At least it's clear he knows some shit, at least... So while he has no money for you this may have not been a complete waste of time.

>Ask him if he knows more about the previous number 1.
>Ask if he can somehow help you get stronger for the next fight.
>Ask if he has heard any rumors about the other assassins.
>Ask another question. (Write In option)

>>5778827
>>Ask if he can somehow help you get stronger for the next fight

>>5778827
>Ask him if he knows more about the previous number 1.

>>5778827
>Ask if he can somehow help you get stronger for the next fight.

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>>5778943
>>5779001
>>5779061
You decide to ask about the previous number 1. He must've been a real character, he was a legend after all...
"...I ain't know anythin' else other than what most people know. Not even his name or any alter ego he might've had. I never would watch those snuff shows. I'm not not THAT evil! Hahaha..." Well, he may laugh, but he is telling the truth. Probably. This seems to be a common thing... But you cannot do anything about it now.
It seems whoever this mystery man is will remain a mystery.
At least for now.
Still, why worry so much about the past? Your fight is here, in the present.
"Well, can you at least... I dunno, teach me a cool technique or something? So I can fight better?" Well, there was a reason for his nickname after all. As you asked, an angry... Client... Came out from a door behind him, he was not just unsatisfied, he seemed rather livid. "Hey, bitch! Your whore had a clown nose on her-" Okay, no time for whatever that was, he quickly and without turning around hits the man with the bottom of his cane, stunning him before kicking him out the window.
"And you better pay that fucking window!!"
...
You simply stare at what happened, and feel like you may have learned something.
'Sometimes, the back of a weapon can be just as deadly as the edge...'

...Well, you got what you wanted. Time to visit another NPC so the plot can move on!
>Go to the K*Job Center, you still need cash badly. This might suck, but money makes the world turn.
>Get your weapon fixed by some e-boy femboy. Not your first choice but you can't fight without it.
(Sorry I was late today.)

>>5779159
>>Go to the K*Job Center, you still need cash badly. This might suck, but money makes the world turn.

>>5779159
>Go to the K*Job Center, you still need cash badly. This might suck, but money makes the world turn.

>>5779159
>Go to the K*Job Center, you still need cash badly. This might suck, but money makes the world turn.

>>5779159
>>Go to the K*Job Center, you still need cash badly. This might suck, but money makes the world turn.

>>5779199
>>5779264
>>5779288
>>5779500
And off you go to get a job... After all, weapon repair can't be free.
That said you also find it odd that your one option to fix your shit is a guy like that. Why did this quest need a 'trap' character anyway? You chalk it up to be writer's "magical realm". You are familiar with shitty anime after all so you know your fair share of magical realms. One time you watched this one magical girl show where every time the main character transformed she magically lost her shoes and had to go barefoot all the time for her powers to work, or this other one where it was very clearly trying to appeal to a fujoshi audience but there was a joke about one of the guys having to pee once per episode, at least. Or this other one where the girl's boobs grew when she drank blood and...
Okay, enough distractions, you are at the spot.
This place used to be a K*Entertainment office, but coincidentally went out of business at about the same time the UAA stopped operating. Good news for you is now the assassination missions are available here too. Probably need to earn some trust first, that part of business is obviously not gonna be the first thing that welcomes people.
Thankfully, you already know Ms. Yozoruchi for years. Though your relationship with her is... Odd. She's always been there when you need something but at the same time she doesn't seem to like you all that much. But she is reliable.

...So it sucks a bit when you get there and you don't see her, but somebody else.
Just a boring ass businessman, nothing special about him aside from the fact he was wearing a blindfold.
"Excuse me ma'am, we are currently reorganizing personnel." Wow, you're NOT THAT OLD... Very rude of him. "Please look at the board for current job openings."
Sure enough, there is a board with a couple of... Activities for you.

What will you choose?

>Lawn Mowing (level 1)
>Trash Collecting (level 1)
>Scorpion Catcher (level 1)

>>5779846
>>Scorpion Catcher (level 1)
OP you need to get a name or trip

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>>5779881 (Alright sure whatever)
Scorpion Catcher (Lv. 1)
"We can't call it "Scorpion Extermination" anyway since it makes animal protection groups mad, but they're still a pest all over Santa Destroy. Just find them, pick them up, put them into the container. Get paid in real cash. Note: No antidote against scorpion venom will be given. You're on your own out there. We will not be responsible for any incidents."

Well, sounds like a good time as any. And you will do a service to the community or something!
https://youtu.be/eT_MLxpy5ww
...And man are there a lot of scorpions here. You wonder how come you don't see them otherwise. Must be gameplay related.
No matter, catching time! If... You can approach without getting attacked.
The task is simple enough on paper, get close, pick 'em up.
But can you be stealthy enough to fool them...?

>There are 3 scorpions in this area, roll 1d100 and select which one to approach. Each one caught will get you 5000 LB$s. The more posts the better chances you will have to catch them all. Probably. 2 Hours and... Go.

Rolled 43 (1d100)

>>5780065
Tree scorpion.

Rolled 85 (1d100)

>>5780065
BASE OF TREE SCORPION

Rolled 38 (1d100)

>>5780065

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>>5780085
>>5780101
>>5780134 (You did not say one so I'll just assume the remaining one. And as everyone got over 30...)

These creatures give you the creeps, their crawly movement and bad temper make these some of the bugs you like the least. Are they even insects? Some of them are huge...
That said, when you walk slowly, they seem to mind their own business... And better if you can sneak behind them when their back is turned. You have just now learned that they do indeed have eyes.
The tree scorpion is an easy catch, you GRAB him by the sides and put him in the container.
Next up, the one below the tree, the biggest one... Kinda glowy for some reason. You have a tense, nerve-wracking stare-down with it, before it turns around and gets CAUGHT too.
Finally, the last one... Seems to be sleeping. You don't even have try. GOT 'EM!

And... Job Successful!
3/3
A RANK
You got 15000 LB$

>>5780223
Well, a job well done!
...Is not enough.
You recall how much money you need for the next fight.
20000 LB$
It's not a lot, but now you're mad there wasn't a third scorpion. Plus the payment for the weapon repair... You'll need to take another.
Or you could try to go get your thing repaired now.
Or you could call up Yozoruchi.

>Take the Lawn Mowing job.
>Take the Coconut Grabber job.
>Call Ms. Yozoruchi.
>Go fix your weapon.

>>5780241
>Go fix your weapon.

>>5780241
>Go fix your weapon.
First thing's first...

>>5780241
>>Go fix your weapon.

>>5780241
>>Go fix your weapon.

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>>5780273
>>5780301
>>5780321
>>5780338
You think that maybe you gotta get your weapon fixed before taking any dangerous missions.
So you walk back to the small place where the only engineer you know can be found... And he opens up looking like shit. Not like he ever looks that good or anything but this time he looks like he hasn't slept in a long time.
Still wearing a weird dress though.
Clark "Eri" Rei was... Well, already introduced as well as he could, honestly. The look says everything, but he is your best and only chance to mess with technological stuff, he is oddly good at that for some reason. Of course you won't question it, as long as he helps you.
"Whaddahel ya want, Lynn...?" He asks rather rudely. You explain the situation to her as best as you can, but get surprised once he reveals he already knew. "Yeah... Saw your fight. Really fucked up you got into that. Well... Seems like the kinda dumb shit you do, anyway." Without any further words he takes the lance from you and disappears into his work for about 30 minutes... Before coming back and giving it to you, but before that he adds "There's a small part here that allows you to shoot the energy on the blade. You should do that instead of suicidal jumping into shit."
Well, he was serious about his job after all.
You decide it's better to silently take his advice and leave.
"...It's free this time. Next time it won't be. But come over if you ever want something better than that shitty stick."
And off you go... With all your money. That was the best part!

>Go back to K*Job Center.
>Wander around town a little longer...
(Last post today.)

>>5780395
>>Wander around town a little longer...
Gotta find those dumpster t-shirts

>>5780395
>>Wander around town a little longer...

>>5780395
>Wander around town a little longer...
Nice, so we have a ranged Hail Mary

>>5780395
>>Wander around town a little longer...

>>5780395
>>Go back to K*Job Center.

>>5780399
>>5780425
>>5780516
>>5780736
>>5780747
You decide to test your luck, going around seeing if maybe you spot some collectibles or something cool.
You still need 5000 more LB$, and "Scott" said you needed a vehicle... How far do they expect you to go for this? If you had... A private jet or something... You could go fight assassins all over the world...
But the UAA only operates in this country thankfully, you just need like a cool bike or a horse... Or a race car. You'd like a race car...
As you turn around the corner however... You see what looks like a biker gang surrounding a civilian. He was too scared to scream for help, and gets knocked out by one clean punch. They kick him while he's down, too. These are obviously not good guys... But hey, this is none of your business, right? There are No More Heroes™ in this world.
You are just a hitman.
But... Maybe...

>Let them be!
>Kill their shit!
>Just threaten them!

>>5780946
>>Just threaten them!

>>5780946
>>Kill their shit!

>>5780946
>Just threaten them!

(OP here. Tired. Will update later or tomorrow.)

>>5781306
Rest well.

>>5780946
>Just threaten them!

>>5780946
>just threaten them!
But if they get uppity then kill their asses. They might drop pizza

>>5780946
>>Kill their shit!

>>5780946
>Just threaten them!

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>>5780980
>>5780997
>>5781079
>>5781380
>>5781452
>>5781652
>>5781941
You realize that both options are not mutually exclusive to each other as you soon find out.
"Hey, dipshits! T-This is my turf, you hear?! I can wipe the floor with your heads!" You yell, hoping they take you seriously. You only stutter once, hooray! But... Yeah, that just made them angrier, as the leader soon shows by flipping you off and replying to your threat with his own.
"We're the HOG RIDERS BEEF GANG, your stick doesn't scare us! Come meat your death!" It seems they are meat themed or something.
Wonderful, they will get cooked soon.
You turn on your beam lance as 5 guys surround you from every direction, they've got clubs, but one has a gun...
Time to fight your way out of this!

(Remember, options with [ATTACK] require you to roll 1d100 and call HIGH or LOW unless it specifies one of the two.)
>Try to do a spinning attack to take out as many as you can first, that way you can start with an advantage. [ATTACK]
>Focus on the guy with the gun so he doesn't blindside you later on, the others don't have ranged attacks. [ATTACK]

Rolled 86 (1d100)

>>5782068
>>Focus on the guy with the gun so he doesn't blindside you later on, the others don't have ranged attacks. [ATTACK]

HIGH

Rolled 54 (1d100)

>>5782068
>Focus on the guy with the gun so he doesn't blindside you later on, the others don't have ranged attacks. [ATTACK]
HIGH

Rolled 53 (1d100)

>>5782071
+1
[HIGH]