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>>5243275
Welcome to BONES QUEST: rated the #1 Quest among countless star systems, probably! Make sure to check out the following resources to look hip and ‘in the know’:

Archive Link to catch up with the story!
>https://lws.thisisnotatrueending.com/qstarchive.html?tags=Bones%20Quest

Twitter account for updates!
>https://twitter.com/DemBonez3

Imgur Page for quest and FAN ART! You make it, we display it!
>https://imgur.com/a/dvF3SCN

A HANDY PASTEBIN for INVENTORY, SKILLS, and MORE:
>https://pastebin.com/u/DemBonez3/1/TvtRhtJK

Rolls are handled by a 1d100--I take the BEST OF THREE ROLLS! Certain boosts and maluses will be applied based on the situation and existing skills. Describing your actions, write-ins, FANART and GENERAL CREATIVITY are all APPRECIATED AND REWARDED--we like to keep things LIGHT and CHILL here, so come on in and have some fun!

UPDATE: I've been working to whip up a separate website to easily read Bones Quest--it's a slow process, but I definitely aim on making it happen once this dumpster fire is completed. If anyone has experience in making that shit happen, I'd be happy to hear some advice! Might also be looking to commission a few STAN ARTS as well, especially of supporting characters. If you're an ART BITCH, feel free to hit me up via Twitter!

>CONTD.

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>>5243280
A blood-red sun peeks through a veil of towering plumes of smoke as you let the ashy breeze rush through your hair. Sticking your arm out the passenger side window, you let out a relaxed sigh as you smile wistfully at the looted buildings lying dormant along the coastal street–not a bad day for a beach trip, huh, gang?

“It’ll be much nicer after we’ve dealt with the remaining Undead.” Replies Sybil from one of the van’s back seats. “Not that I was ever much of a beach bum, of course…”

“At least we don’t gotta worry about parking passes anymore...” Mitzi shrugs, one hand on the wheel, the other dangling out the window. “Those prices were murder, man.”

“Speakin’ of murder,” Talbot interjects, legs spread wide as he reclines in the seat opposite Syb, “How are we gonna find this SEA BITCH anyways?”

Didn’t he read the damn recap!? You’ve got a landmark from a TREASURE MAP– what more could you need?

“Well a few more would certainly be appreciated…” Sybil sighs as she closes her eyes and adopts a meditative stance. “I can try to guide us when we get closer, but anything after that is beyond me…”

“Beyond lots of folks, actually.” Mitzi adds with a slight chuckle in her voice. “Your landmark’s pretty infamous among CLEARWATER’S diving community, y’know.”

And she’s pretty infamous for telling you shit you already know! Besides, you add, shooting your driver a sideways glare, danger’s a part of the job at this point–no way around it!

“True, just thought I’d mention it again.” Mitz counters with a noncommittal shrug! “Well hopefully the other dorks can scrounge up some clues–that oughta’ make things easier.”

You lean your head further out the window. Did anyone hear anything from either team yet?

“Nope.” Talbot grunts. “Probably takin’ their sweet time at the gift shop or whatever… I say we just track down a BOAT and get out there!”

“That might be easier than you think…” Sybil murmurs, eyes flitting briefly. “I detect quite a bit of life along the coast–well, UNlife, to be precise.” She adds, furrowing her pale brow.

“GREAT.” Groans your ex-bodyguard, “How the hell do more boneheads help us, huh?!”

“Well,” Sybil sighs as she watches Lil’ Stanley, the team’s resident wild raccoon and your on-and-off pet, tear into a sack of grape gummies, “If they’re of the ‘buccaneer’ variety then they might have a dinghy in their possession, at least, or know where to find one.”

“Worth a shot…” Mitzi shrugs as she takes the van down a street closer to the water’s edge. “If, y’know, they’re some of the FRIENDLY ones. Any clue where they’re hanging out?”

“Well…” Sybil replies in her 'I have an idea' voice...

>CONTD.

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>>5243282
In which direction do Syb’s senses send you? CHOOSE 1 OF THE FOLLOWING, IF YOU PLEASE!

>THERE’S A SEAFOOD RESTAURANT NOT FAR FROM HERE–I SENSE QUITE A FEW SKELETONS THERE!
>THE PIER’S NEARBY, STANLEY–YOU AND YOUR BROTHER FREQUENTED THAT AREA, DIDN’T YOU?
>I SENSE A LARGE BEACH HOUSE–ONE WITH A PRIVATE DOCK!
>A BEACH IS NEARBY–AND A BONFIRE. PERHAPS THEY’RE HAVING A BBQ?
>THERE’S A QUIET MARINA NEARBY IN CASE WE AREN’T KEEN ON RUNNING INTO ANY SKELETONS…
>THERE’S A PARKING STRUCTURE NOT TOO FAR AWAY–WE COULD USE IT TO GET THE LAY OF THE LAND AND WAIT TO HEAR FROM THE OTHERS!
>WRITE-IN!

>>5243285
>>THERE’S A SEAFOOD RESTAURANT NOT FAR FROM HERE–I SENSE QUITE A FEW SKELETONS THERE!

>>5243285
>THERE’S A SEAFOOD RESTAURANT NOT FAR FROM HERE–I SENSE QUITE A FEW SKELETONS THERE!

>>5243343
>>5243443
>SEAFOOD DIET!

Writing! Got started a little late today, so this next update will be the last one for the evening--will continue TUESDAY AROUND 5-6PM PST!

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Before Syb can finish, your nostrils are suddenly tickled and caressed by a cornucopia of spicy, savory scents that render you near catatonic!

“... Stan?” Syb asks as a frown slowly forms on her face. “As I was say-”

Nope, you mutter under your breath, you already know where you wanna look! Half-diving, half-falling out of the passenger side window like an antsy dog, you immediately rise on all fours and gallop in the direction your nose takes you!

“DAMN IT!” Snarls The Goth as you feel an otherworldly coldness nip at your back, “We haven’t even started the mission yet-”

Too late. Following the scent takes you along a seaside road littered with the skeletons of countless cars and the beach gear their drivers brought with them. Leaping over a particularly nasty-looking POOL NOODLE, you nearly stumble onto your face when your eyes lock with those of a familiar masked woodland critter!

LIL’ STANLEY… we meet again!

Hanging for dear life from your EVENING SANITATION COORDINATOR CAP, your ‘pet’ raccoon matches your crazed gaze for a moment before frantically jabbing a claw in the direction of the scent–oh, she just wants whatever’s cookin’, huh? The critter nods, sending tiny globs of drool splashing onto your freckled face! Alright, you shrug as you dust yourself off, that’s something you can both agree o-

“RRRRRNGH!”
Before you and your fuzzy counterpart can continue onward to your bonding experience, you feel a lithe, but familiar, body grab you from behind! Uh… you stammer, as the hairs on your neck freeze into gossamer icicles, h-hey, Syb-

Before you can explain, The Goth adjusts her grip and SUPLEXES you into the pavement!

“Ooof…” Grumbles Ly as you lie in a dazed heap on the street, “Wh-what happened? I remember some kinda’ smell…”

“What happened,” Snarls Syb as both Mitz and Talbot appear from around the corner clapping, “Is you nearly ran off by yourself again!”

Oh, you cough, that’s right…

“Gotta admit it smells pretty damn good, though.” Mitz adds as Lil’ Stanley sniffs your battered body. Yea, great, at least she didn’t get hurt!

>CONTD.

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>>5243581
“Ehhh.” Talbot shrugs, nose wrinkled in disagreement, “Never really been much of a fish guy, to be honest. Too many bones.”

THAT’S what you smell, you hiss as you levitate back onto your feet! It’s… it’s AMAZING!

Indeed it is. Brushing the dust off of your coveralls, you and your pals take a moment to stare at the COLOSSAL SHIP anchored to a dock just down the road! Swaying against its moorings to the beat of a jaunty sea shanty and raucous laughter rumbling from within, the ship is alive with the smell of beer-battered grub and more patrons than you can wag a stick at!

“Lemme guess…” Mitzi mumbles, “Sk-”

Her answer comes in the form of a SKELETON being launched out of an upper deck porthole like a cannonball! Sailing through the air, the SKELETAL BUCCANEER’S shiny gold teeth and polished hook glitter like jewels as the drunken sailor lands in the turbulent water below with an unceremonious splash! Watching from afar, you and the others grow increasingly uncomfortable as the pirate fails to surface again.

“He uh… us bones don’t float, remember?” Groans Ly’s disembodied voice in your ear! “Guy’s probably walkin’ da’ buzz off.”

Oh. Right. Cracking your back, you chance a few more steps towards the floating restaurant to get a better look.

“SKELETONS.” Sybil mutters, voice distorted and eyes glowing blue. “Lots.”

“So what’s the problem?” Asks Talbot as he joins you at your side! “We kicked their Captain’s butt, remember? These guys are probably Andy’s pals, or whatever!”

You distinctly recall your fight with CAPTAIN MENDOZA being one-on-one, not a group thing, but you opt not to call your ex-bodyguard out on it. Maybe that food scent’s put you in a decent mood?

“T’s right about da’ other thing, though!” Ly adds with pride in his voice! “Hell, we still have da’ guy’s HAT in our INVENTORY, don’t we?”

Hey, YEA! Retrieving the item in question from your pockets, you plop the haberdashery over your cap and tilt it to an appropriately-roguish angle!

“Not bad… not bad...” Mitzi remarks with a nod of approval. “It’d suck if these guys were loyal to the old captain though, huh?”

Yea, you growl, tapping your foot in irritation, it would!

>CONTD.

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>>5243585
“Never fear, Stan–we’ve dealt with this kind of thing before!” Sybil exclaims as she puffs out her admittedly small chest. “I still have that GLAMOUR spell–why don’t I just disguise you and Mitzi as skeletons so you can go mingle? Maybe you can find us a vessel!”

“Hey…” Talbot grunts, “Why didn’t you offer to disguise me?”

“Too volatile.” Sybil retorts with a disapproving shake of her head. “We want to rub elbows, not break them.”

“BULLSHIT!” Talbot howls as he stamps his foot on the ground in disbelief! “That is BULLSHIT, Syb-”

“You’ve got that ‘Ly’ guy with ya, right, Stan?” Mitzi asks, deftly sidestepping Talbot’s meltdown. “Does he see a boat or anything back there?”

“Yep.” Replies your skeleton as he darts to and from your body in his ASTRAL FORM! “Couple’a SPEEDBOATS, from da’ look of things–they’re all on da’ PORT side, or STARBOARD, or whatever–da’ one opposite us!”

You give the news a thoughtful nod and a few ‘hmm’s for good measure. Yes, you mumble to yourself, that could do nicely…

“They got BOATS?” Talbot asks, still barely recovered from his outburst two seconds ago, “Shit, what the hell are we waiting for? Let’s just burst in an’ take ‘em!”

“... and if there are too many of them?” Sybil asks, raising a pierced eyebrow his way. Your fellow Evening Sanitation Coordinator shrugs.

“They’re PIRATES! What are they gonna do–sing us to death? OoOOoh, scWaAwY!”

“I hear keelhauling’s all the rage nowadays.” Mitzi replies as Sybil deftly swats away Talbot’s wiggling fingers from her face.

Before you can do the whole ‘A Few Options and a Write-In’ thing, your heart skips a few beats as you spot Lil’ Stanley’s small, but still VERY FAT form shimmy along a mooring line onto the boat! Damn it, you hiss, YOU were gonna ditch everyone and eat all the food! Stupid animal!

“Well now that your scheme’s thwarted,” Says Mitzi as she wraps a toned arm around your shoulder, “How’sabout we come up with a new plan?”

Fine, you groan, here’s what you’ll do…

>POP THAT CAP ON AND WALTZ IN LIKE YOU OWN THE DAMN PLACE! PIRATES DIG CHARISMA, DAMN IT, AND YOU OOZE THAT STUFF!
>PLAY IT SAFE AND LET SYBIL GLAMOUR YOU AND MITZ! (GLAMOUR IS A DAILY SPELL!-ED.)
>NO GLAMOURS NEEDED–JUST SNEAK AROUND TO THE BOATS! HELL, YOU COULD PROBABLY SWIM OVER TOO!
>STRIKE FIRST, STRIKE HARD! LAUNCH AN ATTACK ON THE BOATSTAURANT WHILE YOU STILL HAVE THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE!
>CREATE A DISTRACTION ON THIS END OF THE BOAT–YOU CAN SLIP OVER TO THE SPEEDBOATS IN THE CHAOS!
>YOU KNOW WHAT? THE FOOD DOESN’T SMELL THAT GOOD–LET’S FIND A BETTER OPTION (NOTE: THE FOOD DOES SMELL THAT GOOD.)
>WRITE-IN!

>>5243591
>PLAY IT SAFE AND LET SYBIL GLAMOUR YOU AND MITZ! (GLAMOUR IS A DAILY SPELL!-ED.)

>>5243591
>>PLAY IT SAFE AND LET SYBIL GLAMOUR YOU AND MITZ! (GLAMOUR IS A DAILY SPELL!-ED.)

sussy impostor bakas

>>5243591
>CREATE A DISTRACTION ON THIS END OF THE BOAT–YOU CAN SLIP OVER TO THE SPEEDBOATS IN THE CHAOS!

>>5243649
>>5243680
>GLAMOURRRRR

>>5244069
>DISTRACTION!

Writing! Sorry for the hour delay--meeting went a lot longer than expected!

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Friendly or not, you reason as you thoughtfully rub your chin, you don’t wanna make waves here–best to go in quietly and get what you want!

“... dat’ bein’ da’ food inside, right?”

… shut up, Ly. Turning to face Sybil, you give your pale-faced pal a nod–alright, sexy, let’s DO it!

“Right!” Syb says with a grin before taking a few steps back! “Have Ly find me once you’ve procured a vessel–we’ll be nearby in case anything happens.”

“How, uh…” Mitzi begins as she sidles up next to you, “How long do these disguises last, anyways? I’ve spent a long time working on this image, y’know.”

“A little over an HOUR--maybe more, maybe less.” Mutters Syb as she sticks her tongue out in concentration. “Depends on my concentration… speaking of…” She mutters, blue flames slowly flickering to life within her eyes, “Try not to distract me–the spell’s perfectly safe, of course, but if I mess up-”

“Mess UP!?” Exclaims Talbot with an incredulous look on his dumb face, “Wh-wh-what’s THAT supposed to mean!?”

Shut UP, dumbass, or you’ll mess HIM up, you snarl as Sybil continues to chant under her breath. Exchanging one last glare, your view of your fellow Evening Sanitation Coordinator is suddenly obstructed by a thick plume of blue smoke! Sucking in a bit in surprise, you end up stumbling out of the cloud coughing and wheezing like your granddad used to do! Halfway through covering your mouth, however, you notice some big changes in your hand–namely that in place of endearing freckled skin are pale yellow digits sticking out of a long leather coat!

“Voila!” Decrees Syb with a triumphant grin, “Not my best work, but…”

But it’ll do, you finish as you check out your new look! Clad in a pair of red and white striped breeches and two ragged old buckled boots, you’re especially impressed by the bare ribs hanging out of the front of your coat! Neato!

“You can say that again!” Following Mitzi’s voice, you find yourself standing face to face with a SKELETON PIRATE clad in knee-high leather boots, dark patchwork pants, and a low-cut blouse held on by a tight embroidered corset! It’d be a bit more impressive if Mitz had skin right now, but you can certainly appreciate the attempt!

“Well?” She asks, striking a roguish pose. “Not too distracting, right, Stan?”

“N-nah…” Grunts Talbot as he examines her new look from top to bottom. She was talking to YOU, dick!

“Okay…” He drones, still spellbound. Rolling your eyes, you wrap your bony arm around Mitz’ and make for the restaurant entrance!

“Remember to disguise your voices!” Syb warns as the two of you tromp with purpose towards the source of the intoxicating scents! “And PLEASE try not to get distracted…”

If you ain’t out in five minutes, you reply, call the president!

>CONTD.

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>>5244865
A wave of pure, unfiltered revelry hits your face long before you and Mitz push your way through the door. Barely dodging a queasy skeleton pirate with a sickly green pallor stumbling out the door, you and Skele-Mitz find yourself smack dab in a bone-afide pirate-palooza!
https://youtu.be/xCU45_GVsyY
The restaurant’s tables heave and groan under the weight of an army of skeleton pirates–their wooden frames pushed to the limit as the partygoers dance, sing, and wrestle on top! A thin layer of spilled booze seeps through the floor around the bar, but its occupants are too busy chattering and drinking to notice.

Barely ducking a wayward beer bottle, you shake a fist at a trio of skeletons swinging from a chandelier above you! As another one loses his shaky grip on his tankard, one of the several skeleton parrots soaring around the restaurant manages to intercept it and chug its contents!

If any of the patrons notice your arrival, they sure as hell don’t show it, but who could blame them? You only have to take a few steps in before you feel a buzz coming on from the fumes alone, and as you exchange looks with Mitzi, you get the feeling she’s having what you’re having!

“Phew,” She mutters, trying and failing to shake off the secondhand tipsiness, “We uh… we oughta’ find someone with keys to one of those boats, huh?”

Sure, you nod, you can manage that! Cracking your exposed ribs, you take a moment to survey the room for anyone that fits the description.

“Just like da’ DINER, yea?” Ly asks as you immediately fixate on the bar. Sure, you shrug, but you won’t have to pull Art’s ass outta the fire this time around!

“That looks fun!” Mitzi remarks, pointing at a crowd of pirates dancing to a jaunty tune played by a band of skeletons on the far end of the establishment! “I uh… I mean, ‘promising!’” Ignoring her wink, you continue your stakeout–past a crowd gathered around two skeletons clashing swords lie a few doors… no doubt leading out to where your boats are.

“Eyes on da’ prize, cupcake…” Ly reminds you as you scan the soiree for any sign of a key or your capricious woodland critter, “Let’s get what we need and jet!”

This place is ripe for the pickins’, you wager, but where’s a girl supposed to find a KEY or two around here?

>CHECK THE BAR–SEEMS LIKE A GOOD PLACE TO GET SOME FO-ER, INTEL!
>MITZ CLEARLY WANTS TO DANCE–MAYBE YOU CAN PILFER A KEY ON THE DANCE FLOOR?
>SWORD FIGHTS IN A RESTAURANT? NO WAY YOU’RE GONNA MISS CHECKING THAT OUT!
>HEY, WHAT ARE THOSE BONEHEADS DOING OVER THERE? (WRITE-IN)

Sorry, all, but this will probably be the only update tonight--day was longer than I expected and I'm definitely feeling it. Will definitely be ready to write more WEDNESDAY AROUND 5-6PM PST, though! Thanks for playing and for your patience--trying to get back into doing longer, more frequent updates, but it's a slow process, apparently.

>>5244872
>>CHECK THE BAR–SEEMS LIKE A GOOD PLACE TO GET SOME FO-ER, INTEL!

>>5244872
>CHECK THE BAR–SEEMS LIKE A GOOD PLACE TO GET SOME FO-ER, INTEL!
While we're doing that we should also send Ly to scout around

>>5245109
This, boss.

>>5244881
>>5245109
>>5245680
>RAISING THE BAR!

Writing!

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You motion your bony colleague towards a less-crowded area of the bar.

"Sure, I think we've earned a drink or two." Mitzi remarks as you both do your best 'skeleton strut' past a pair of skeletons wrestling each other on the floor. You were planning on gathering intel, you counter, but since she brought it up-

"Course ya' were." She interrupts, giving your exposed ribs a playful nudge. "Eyes on the prize, alright?"

'PRIZE' is your middle name, you scoff as a barrel-chested buccaneer clotheslines a pair of pirates off of their barstools! Exchanging a shrug, you and Mitzi wordlessly take their seats as the bony bar wench pours out the previous customer's tankards.

"Hoy, masters--y'here for the meetin', I reckon?"

No, 'master', you sneer, you're here for a DRINK! Impatiently tapping your finger on the empty bar for emphasis, it doesn't take long for the server to plant two frothy tankards of grog in front of you and Mitz. Raising your glasses to each other, you and Mitz clink the beverages together before taking a healthy swig!

"PHEW!" Mitz sighs, shaking her skull! "That's the stuff!"

She ain't wrong, you nod, planting your tankard next to hers with a loud 'thud'! You're gonna have to remember this place once this whole SKELETON APOCALYPSE blows over!

"Aye, say what ye will about them smoothskins--they be knowin' how ta' brew a fine ale, s'trewth."

S'trewth indeed! Taking another gulp of beer, you raise an eyebrow at the bar wench for a moment before remembering you don't have any eyebrows--what was that about a meeting?

"What rock ye just crawl out from?" She replies, looking at you with visible confusion. "'T’is all this lot be talkin' about--some 'Grand Revenge' for ole' CAP'N MENDOZA or somesuch."

"AYE!" Roars a skeleton wearing a Nor'easter hat in the seat next to you! "A dreadful plot ta' take back the port, it be, with plenty of bloodlettin' ta' boot!"

You frown, both at the skeleton's cocky declaration AND his smelly breath in your face. How is that possible, anyways? Didn't yo-errr, some SEXY BEAST take down their captain?

"What manner of seaman do ye be!?" Roars a skeleton from behind you wearing two eye patches! Hey Mitz, he said seaman! "T'is a shame, it be true, but a dead cap'n be an' opportunity, aye?"

"Aye!" Squawks a skeletal parrot as it takes a seat on your head! "It matter not who be steerin' the ship--A Gentleman of Fortune don't be hangin' up his hat til' the day he dies! SQUAAAWK!"

That… that’s not gonna happen if you bite the bullet, r-right?

“Course not, cupcake...” Ly remarks as the pirates and Mitz clink their tankards in assent! “No one could replace you!”

Damn right!

>CONTD.

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>>5246096
"SoAaaAarrrrr..." Mitzi intervenes, "Who's uh... who be callin' the meeting? Arrr..."

"Arrr, that be a good 'arrr', it be, especially for a wench!" Remarks Two-Patch as he gives Mitzi an encouraging slap on the back! "Ye could learn a thing or two, lad."

You'll learn when you FEEL like it, alright!? AR! Now answer her damn question already!

"Aye, the question..." Two-Patch nods, exchanging looks with the ceiling above the parrot's head. "Folk be tellin' tales of another who was wronged by that Parble lass-"

"If she even BE a lass!" Hisses Nor'easter with a worried look on his bearded face! "I hear she be born from a land critter--one wit’ a bandit’s mask that laid wit' a DEMON!"

She BE a lass, okay!? Clearing your nonexistent throat, you motion for the swabbies to continue.

"Anywho, they be harborin' a hatred burnin' hotter than Ole' Scratch's parlor itself!"

"Aye!" Chirps the parrot before dipping his beak into your drink, "He be a real animal, he be!"

You and Mitzi exchange a worried glance. Who did you--er, STAN... piss off this time? And why the heck did they leave them ALIVE?

"Ye' can ask 'em yerself when they arrive!" Nor'easter cackles right in your ear! "All I be knowin' is that it'll be good ta' spill some blood again! Never got the chance afore that explosion on the flagship!"

"Aye," Snarls the parrot as you jealously guard your tankard from their beak, "it be a fine diversion while that damnable SEA BEAST still roams the waters... SQUAAAAWK!"

“Stan!” Ly exclaims, leaping back into your body from a scouting mission you don’t remember sending him on, “It’s-”

Before you can ask any more questions, the answer to a few of them kicks the front door open!
https://youtu.be/MVagm39bnTQ
"ALRIGHT, YOU BOOZE-SOAKED BUFFOONS, WHO'S READY TO GET REVENGE... FOR MY BROTHER!?"

Oh... oh no...

The owner of the voice can barely fit through the door: stomping in on the skeletal legs of a bear and sporting a set of sharp matching claws sits a long, snakelike sequence of vertebrae culminating in the skull of a bird you never wanted to see again....

A turkey.

“GOB!”

>CONTD.

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>>5246097
"An' just who the hell be askin?" Roars a shirtless skeleton who probably looked rather impressive back when he had muscles and skin. Stomping over to the newcomer, the pirate jabs an accusatory finger into his chest, causing the whole restaurant to fall silent! “Ye be actin’ mighty tough for an’ overgrown game hen! Why-”

He never gets a chance to finish. Delivering a jaw-crushing uppercut to the belligerent buccaneer, the newcomer sends his critic’s skull sailing upwards like a golf ball before it smashes into powder on impact with the roof! Snarling at the rest of the restaurant patrons, the turkey gnashes his beak a few times as two more freakish animal-gamations take position at his sides!

“This GAME HEN,” He gobbles, sending a look that could kill across the room, “is THE PACK CHIEF: TORY THE TERRIBLE! GOB!”

“Holy SHIT!” Hisses Mitzi as she takes another steadying sip from her tankard, “Didn’t you kill his bro, Sta-”

Before she can finish asking the obvious, Mitz is cut off by Tory’s snakelike head slithering to a halt between the two of you! Scrunching his beak in displeasure, he takes a moment to search your face as another menacing gobble escapes his nonexistent lips!

“GOB! You… you GOB something to say, Admiral Alkie?! Hmm….” He sniffs. “... you smell anything off about this one, boys?”

“Jus’ CINNAMON, boss!” Barks a goon with an alligator skull!

“An’ SUGAR!” Hisses the other resembling a jungle cat!

“Hrm…” Spits Tory as he eyes you warily, “Yea… but there’s something else there… something familiar…”

Feeling the whole restaurant’s eyes burning into you, your heart plummets deep into your bowels when you notice another familiar beast clinging to the ceiling above you! Watching the situation unfold with mild interest, Lil’ Stanley uses your newfound fame to inch closer towards where the ceiling meets the kitchen’s door frame! Backstabbing fuzzball!

“HEY!” Tory clucks, bringing you back into the moment, “What the PLUCK’S your deal, anyways? You SHMUCKaneers raid a CEREAL FACTORY or something?! GOB!”

All eye sockets are on you–you’ve gotta do something, but what?!

>OFFER CONDOLENCES FOR HIS BROTHER!
>TELL HIM HIS BROTHER WAS A LITTLE BITCH!
>GLASS HIM!
>DISTRACT THEM WITH LIL’ STANLEY! LOOK! A WILD ANIMAL!
>LET MITZI TAKE THE LEAD!
>PLAY CHICKEN WITH THIS TURKEY–HE THINKS HE’S TOUGH, HUH?
>OFFER HIM A DRINK! YOU’RE NOT BUYING, APPARENTLY!
>ASK HIM ABOUT THE PLAN!
>WRITE-IN!

>>5246099
>ASK HIM ABOUT THE PLAN!
Stan can deflect pretty well when she doesn't want to talk about something.

>>5245109
>ASK HIM ABOUT THE PLAN!

>>5246099
>>ASK HIM ABOUT THE PLAN!

>>5246202
>>5246214
>>5246233
>STAN WANTS DA' PLAN!

Writing!

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You can almost hear the gears in your head nearly fly off their axles as the whole restaurant awaits your rebuttal! Damn that Ly and Mitzi, you think, why didn’t you bring someone who could speak up for you like Syb? Or TALBOT? At least it’d be funny to watch him get clobbered!

“Are you DUMB AND DUMB?! Y’know… the ‘CAN’T SPEAK’ kind!?” Squawks the Bearky as he pokes your forehead with a surprisingly-sharp claw, “What’s your problem, huh!? GOB!”

Your problem, you retort as a flame slowly grows in your chest, is HIM–he barged on in here like he owns the place, claimed to have some kind of douchey ‘plan’, and now he’s ruining everyone’s buzz! Downing the remainder of your mug in one hearty swig, you slam the tankard back onto the bar with a triumphant ‘THUNK’ and match Tory’s glare with one of your own–so hurry up and spill the damn beans already so everyone can get back to drinkin’!

“Arrrr…” mutters Two-Patch as a dull murmur begins to spread throughout the restaurant, “He be mighty articulate fer’ a pirate…”

“Aye…” Nods Nor’easter, “T’is a welcome respite from the usual dialogue’!”

Just when it looks like your head’s about to get the same treatment as the last guy who bothered him, Tory’s beak curls into a wicked smirk. Somehow.

“Well well! You’ve got giblets, don’t ya’? GOB!” Chuckling away your sass, the turkey terror exchanges a nod with his associates. “Right, then–let’s get straight to the main course! DARWIN?”

The croc skull skeleton steps forward before retrieving a GIZMO from… somewhere in his bones. Snatching it from his associate’s claw, Tory shows the device off to the rest of the bar with a grim look on his bony face!

“This, my crusty corsairs, is the key– the key to serving up that cretinous custodian on a silver platter! GOB!” Pressing a red button, Tory laughs maliciously as a series of lines appears on the doodad revealing a small, but easy to read screen!

“SQUAAAWK! What manner of trinket be this!?” Asks your parrot pal as he flits between you and Darwin’s heads!

“It looks li-err, it be a MAP!” Mitzi replies in a fake accent and real surprise!

“Correct!” Tory nods with a satisfied click of his beak! “And not just any map, my loose-bodiced beau–this device will lead me, my pack, and anyone else who’s got the wattle to follow us STRAIGHT to that fratricidal freak’s lair–HER VAN!”

The declaration hits you like a truck, or a VAN, in this case! Snatching Mitz’ mug out of her hand, you take a quick swing and perform the customary spit take–th-th-THE VAN!?

“Dat’s what he said, yea.” Ly confirms. Gee, thanks.

>CONTD.

File: screamingskull.jpg (76 KB, 630x1280)

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>>5246363
“A question if I may, me lad!” Asks a long-bearded pirate in a sing-song voice from across the restaurant, “How’d ye manage ta’ come across such pretty plunder?”

“Well I can’t TURK all the credit! GOB! Truth is, a little bird told me about it! Thelonius?”

Gesturing to his feline friend, Tory steps aside as the cat-skull skeleton retrieves a skull from between his bones–this one still crusty with blood and similar viscera! Holding the head out for everyone to see, Thelonius grits his canines as the skull lets out a blood curdling shriek that shakes the whole boat!

“He uh… that’s all he really does anymore.” Explains the cat as Tory bobs his head wickedly!

“Yes… that and tell us EXACTLY where Stanley’s wheels are! GOB! You see, Winston here used to be one of those soldiers for that detestable DOG BONE COMPANY, but he opened up once we opened HIM up! GOB!”

“Sonnova-” Mitz hisses under her breath. Shoving her beer in front of her mouth, you give Tory a forced smile as your companion bubbles with anger behind the froth! So what, you begin, trying to hide your unease, it’s a tracker?

“Correct! Winston hid it in a small compartment inside the van when it was still his! GOB! But when we heard it was taken by that janitor, it was like a wishbone come true!” Snapping his claw, Tory waits until Thelonius puts the skull away before continuing. “The plan, my ‘mateys’, is simple: we know Parble’s gunning for the LAST LIEUTENANT, but to do that she’ll need a BOAT!”

Wait, you interject, how, uh… how do we know that again? Arrr. For the second time in your visit, all eye sockets fall on you.

“... Th… THE MASTER’S voice, of course!” Replies the bar wench with a look of concern on her bony face. “Ye certain ye should be drinkin’, love?”

As the rest of the crowd watches you with different degrees of concern and distrust, you take a wild leap of faith to throw them off the scent!

Just, uh… I was just being, er, ironic! H-ha ha! I knew that!

Pushing a few more forced laughs into the room, your smile falters a bit when the rest of the bar fails to join in on the laughter…

>CONTD.

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>>5246365
Whoops, nope, there it goes! The whole ship explodes with amusement–some patrons falling out of their chairs laughing!

“Man,” Ly remarks as you send a nervous smile around the room, “These mooks must be sloshed!”

“A-anyways,” Tory continues as he slowly recovers, “A… anyways… Hoo… Oh jeez… We’ll park a NICE BOAT near where Stanley parks…”

Yes?

“Then we’ll wait for her to find it!”

YES?

“And once she climbs in…”

YES??

“We’ll GRAB her! In a NET! GOB!”
https://youtu.be/kUDlHHJB8yI
Raising the net in question high above his serpentine head amidst a roar of cheers, Tory only has a second to bathe in the glory before you ruin it right on schedule:

Yea RIGHT, you scoff, Yo-er, STAN would never fall for a trick like that! You heard she was really smart! And uh… and pretty!

“Yea!” Mitzi nods, earning a stare from you. “... just playing along, boss.” Oh, gotcha!

“Even if that WERE true,” Tory counters, “I’ve got the perfect bait!” Watching the turkey rummage around in his ribcage again, you brace yourself for whatever’s coming–did he capture a pal like that dickhead JED did? I mean, you’d be cool with it if he took Denise, but-

“GOB! BEHOLD!” Dangling from the turkey’s claw is a CRISP SIX-PACK OF OLE’ LONESOME ALE!

“Seriously?” Asks Mitz as she takes an unimpressed sip from her tankard. Not gonna lie, you shrug, that would actually work!

“Oh?” Tory gobbles as his long neck stoops down to your eye level! “And just who, pray tell, made you the PARBLE PRO, hm?”

You’re about to answer with the classic ‘Your MOM’ response when an idea hatches in your devious little mind: well, you reply, puffing out your bony chest with pride, you just so happen to know quite a bit about ole’ Stan… being an UNDERCOVER SKELETON, and all!

Before anyone can react, you use your BONE SPEED to whip out your wallet and show it off to the crowd in a split second! Still reeling from your declaration, the whole boat goes quiet as you adopt a different posture and tone of voice!

Yep, you drawl, motioning for another beer, you’ve been trackin’ her since the beginning–quite the slippery, uh, Shiela, that one! Crikey!

“SURE you have, GOB!” Replies Tory, somehow unconvinced. “Even if you WEREN’T full of stuffing, how do you plan on proving it, hmm?”

D’oh! You always forget about the ‘proof’ part! ALWAYS!

>CONTD.

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>>5246367
Er, easy, you smirk as you reach into your pocket once more! If you weren’t the Real McCoy, how on Earth would you have… THIS?! With the speed of a viper, you slap the proof of your undeniable skill into Tory’s outstretched claw!

“... is this… MERMAID SMU-”

Whoops, wrong one! Snatching it back up, you replace the ELDRITCH SKIN RAG with your intended item!

“This…” Tory mutters in a stupefied tone, “This is…”

Yes, you nod, her WALLET!

“How…” Stammers the turkey as the crowd begins to chatter, “How did you get this? G-gob?”

It wasn’t easy, that’s for sure! You won’t bore him with the details, you shrug, just in time for the bar wench to place a fresh tankard next to you, but one thing’s for sure–there’s no one that knows that minx better than you!

“I-In that case…” Tory says with a weak smile, “W-would you mind thanksgiving me a few pointers? F-for my brother’s sake?”

It’d be a PLEASURE, you reply, giving your new student a toothy grin!

“G-great!” The turkey sputters excitedly! “I’ll take any intel if it helps me GET HER! GOB!”

Trust me, you purr, it will! Listen up!

How do you trick this bothersome bird anyways?
>SHE’S BEEN HIDING OUT NEAR THE EDGE OF THE BARRIER AROUND TOWN! IF YOU LEAVE NOW YOU CAN PROBABLY CATCH HER NEAR JOPLIN!
>DON’T LISTEN TO THE RUMORS–BONE MARROW IS SUPER-TOXIC TO HER! SPREAD THE WORD!
>YOU CAN TAKE HIM TO HER NOW IF HE CAN FIND YOU A BOAT!
>STAN HATES FREE BOOZE AND FOOD! HATES IT! SO IF YOU SEE HER, BE SURE TO KEEP IT ON HAND!
>HE REALLY OUGHTA BE GOING AFTER HER FRIEND! (WHO?) THEY’RE WEAKER THAN THEY LOOK!
>WRITE-IN!

That's all for tonight, folks--should have more THURSDAY AROUND 5-6PM PST! Sorry for the wait and hope to see you again next time!

>>5246369
>DON’T LISTEN TO THE RUMORS–BONE MARROW IS SUPER-TOXIC TO HER! SPREAD THE WORD!

I would pick the boat but he is doing that already

>>5246369
>>DON’T LISTEN TO THE RUMORS–BONE MARROW IS SUPER-TOXIC TO HER! SPREAD THE WORD!

>>5246369
>STAN IS A GOODIE-TWO-SHOES WHO CAN'T EVEN STRIKE FIRST. IF YOU COME CLOSE TO HER WITHOUT ATTACKING AND TELL HER ABOUT YOUR GRIEF, YOU WILL BREAK HER SPIRIT AND SEE HER CRY AND SQUIRM IN GUILT AND LIKELY EVEN CAUSE HER TO SUICIDE.

>>5246596
supporting this and the bone marrow one

>>5246442
>>5246454
>>5246596
>>5247221
>BONE MARROW IS TOXIC!
>STAN IS EMPATHETIC! GET CLOSE TO HER FIRST!

Good shit! Now for the kicker: ROLL ME 2d100+10 TO CONVINCE THIS DOPE! +5 FROM YOUR 'UNDERCOVER' THING, +5 FROM BUNNY SUIT! I'LL TAKE THE BEST OF 3 ROLLS!

>>5247256
trust me im not a raccoon

Rolled 96, 77 + 10 = 183 (2d100 + 10)

>>5247350
no dice

Rolled 96, 70 = 166 (2d100)

>>5247256

Rolled 45, 56 + 10 = 111 (2d100 + 10)

>>5247256

>>5247352
>>5247355
>>5247394
>HIGHEST ROLLS:
>MARROW: 106!!!!
>CLOSE AN' PERSONAL: 87!

What a maroon! Writing!

File: bounty.png (80 KB, 183x275)

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For what it’s worth, you make an effort to hide your excitement–you really do! But seeing Tory look at you with a mixture of excitement, awe, and, dare you say it? RESPECT, you just can’t help yourself!

Lesson number one, beakbrain, you begin after sampling the contents of your fresh new tankard, you’ve GOTTA stop that stupid MARROW RUMOR going around!

“R-rumor?” Gobbles your student as a few other pirates lean in close to listen! Well, yea, you shrug, didn’t they hear!? That shit’s TOXIC to that foxy foe of yours!

“I beg your pardon?” Asks the croc-skull goon!

You’re pardoned, you snap! You figured it out yourself in one of your last tussles–sure, you’ve had to swap out, like, all of your bones from all the marrow you’ve been spewing, but it’s true: spray her with the stuff and she hates it!

“Yea!” Mitz adds, “Like a raccoon and a garden hose!”

You shoot her a glare. She just had to go with that comparison, huh? As your partner gives you a weak shrug, the cat-skull skeleton jabs a claw in her face!

“Hey… just who the hell are YOU, anyways? I thought, uh…” Thelonius pauses as his eye sockets linger on your face. “... Sorry, what was your name again, pal?”

DINGO, you reply, DINGO FLARE: BOUNTY HUNTER EXTRAORDINAIRE!

“Christ…” Mutters Ly from the safety of your body.

“Right, right…” Nods the jungle cat, “Anyways, DINGO FLARE here’s the expert, toots–not you!”

“Think again, mittens–I’m, uh… I’m Dingo’s GIRLFRIEND… DINGA FLARE…OWITZ. Yep.”

Avoiding your pointed glare by taking a long sip from her tankard, Mitz clearly passes the test when Tory and his goons fail to call her on it. “So this marrow thing–it’s true?” Tory asks with a hint of apprehension in his nails-on-chalkboard voice! “Because THE MASTER-”

Oh my GOOOOOD, you groan, rolling your eye sockets skyward, do they listen to everything DUH MUHSTUHRR tells them?!

And just like that, the restaurant goes quiet again.

“Well, uh… yea.” Replies the turkey.
“Aye.”
“Mhm!”
“It really be the only way ta’ be decidin’ things, it be!”
“Ditto!”
“You betcha.”

Quiet, ‘DINGA!’ You weren’t asking her!

>CONTD.

File: dealingwithtoxicmarrow.jpg (213 KB, 735x1102)

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>>5247529
Feeling the gazes pile onto you, you opt to take a risk! Dispelling your growing unease with a derisive ‘pssh’, you send a smug grin towards the turkey after taking another swig. Wow, you scoff, that’s uh… that’s pretty LAME. No wonder they haven’t killed Stan yet!

For a moment all you can hear is the soft, rhythmic sound of water lapping against the side of the boat. Hiding behind your tankard, it slowly becomes clear to you that you’ve committed sacrilege. W-

“... I mean…” Tory stammers, glancing nervously around the restaurant, “I uh… I don’t listen to him, y’know… ALL the time…”

“Y-yea!” Adds Darwin as his crocodile teeth form into a forced grin, “M-me neither!”

“Or me!” Shouts Two-Patch!
“NOR I!” Squawks the parrot!
“You guys are fucking stupid.” Mutters a mustachioed pirate from across the restaurant. “You really think you should be saying that about the b-”

The doubting Thomas and his speech are cut short by a musket ball to the skull! Slumping to the floor like a jacket falling off a chair, the skeleton’s argument is deftly thwarted thanks to the immortal power of PEER PRESSURE!

As you were saying, you continue, voice barely registering over the other buccaneers praising the shooter’s aim as he triumphantly stuffs his flintlock back into his coat, THE MASTER’S cool and all, but use your skulls: why do they think he’d feed them the wrong intel about Stan anyways?

“Because…” Thelonius grunts, looking your way for a hint.

BeCAUSE, you finish, he won’t get the credit if some OTHER dingbat kills that sexy thing, will he?

“Yea!” Mit-err, Dinga nods! “What sounds better: ‘That pesky human was defeated by ‘THE MASTER’, or ’That pesky human was defeated by ‘SOME TURKEY’?”

You and Dinga clink your tankards together as the rest of the boat processes your words.

“Aye…” Frowns Nor’easter, “T’would ‘ardly be a tale worth tellin’, would it?”
“It be a mite anticlimactic, true, but everyone loves an underdog story!” Argues Two-Patch!

So there they have it, you conclude in a solemn voice, you hate to say it, fellas, but you’ve been had!

“GOB!” Tory snarls! “That is SO CLASSIC HIM!”

That’s what you’ve been saying, you shrug! So whenever he feeds you that crap, just chuck it out! Take it from me: EXPERIENCE is the best teacher!

“I’ve gotta remember that one!” Whispers Darwin to Thelonius!

“MARROW IS TOXIC…” Tory repeats, prompting the rest of the patrons to echo it as well! “Got any other juicy tips, Dingo?”

You’re just about to give him another one when you feel your nonexistent lips zip up!

“Stan…” Ly warns, “We got lucky, yea? Les’ quit while we’re ahead!”

Oh you’ll quit, alright–quit PUSSYFOOTIN’ AROUND!

>CONTD.

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>>5247532
Being your skeleton and all, Ly doesn’t really have a body for you to dramatically shove out of the way. Well, besides yours, that is. Settling on defiantly gnashing your teeth, you use your regained jaw control to spit another fact!

Unlike that chickenshit BORIS, you explain, Stanley has the heart and soul of a PURE MAIDEN–they all know what that means, right?

“... she’s uh… a virgin?” Asks Thelonius.

N-NO, you stammer, she’s, uh, she’s had a BUNCH of boyfriends! Like… ten! HUNDRED!

“... How do you even know tha-”

You CHECKED, alright?! Doesn’t matter–th-thatat wasn’t the point you were trying to make, alright?!

“Clearly.” Mitz mutters as she takes a long sip from her beer. Is she gonna finish that thing or what?

“What did you mean, then?” Asks Tory as you slowly feel the heat drain from your cheeks hidden by Syb’s glamour spell! W-well, you continue, still recovering from tripping over your tongue, what you MEANT to say was that she’s HONORABLE! She never throws the first punch, okay!?

“Arrr!” Exclaims Nor’easter with wide eye sockets, “Don’t be tellin’ tales, lad!”

You AREN’T, okay!? It works all the time–as long as you win her over with some lam-I mean, ENDEARING backstory, she’ll be totally moved!

“It’s all true!” Mitzi agrees! “She’s a total CRYBABY, really–can’t handle even the slightest bit of emotion!”

H-ha ha, s-sure, Dinga! Anywa-

“Hell, if you told her about all of that grief you have for your brother, Tor, she might just break down right then and there from the guilt!”

Okay, Dinga, that’s enough of tha-

“Shit, she might just KILL herself right there, too! She’s an emotional wreck! Like, there was this one time where she let this guy try out her BACKUUM instead of her pal-”

Your hand darts over and covers Mitzi’s mouth before she can finish! THANK YOU, DINGA!

“Hmmm… I DID hear she was unhinged…” Tory ponders, earning a few thoughtful ‘hmm’s from his pals.

“AND pretty dumb…” Darwin adds with a nod.
“Don’t forget unlovable!” offers Thelonius! “I mean… I know we’re made of animal parts and all, but she’s like all the worst parts of a human and raccoon put togeth-”

WELL THEN, you interject, that just about does it for your tips! Darn!

“GOB! Thanks for the help, Dingo!” Tory gobbles, clearly pleased with the intel you gave him! “That meatbag won’t know what hit her, that’s for sure!”

HEH!

"What's so funny, Dingo?"

N-nothing! H-heh HEH!

>CONTD.

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>>5247533
“So what’s the plan now?” Mitzi asks as she polishes off the rest of her beer. FINALLY!

“Now,” Replies the bar wench as she hands a SET OF KEYS WITH A LIFE PRESERVER KEYCHAIN over to the turkey, “you lads take the fancy black vessel out back with our compliments!”

“GOB! No rest for the wicked!” Tory replies as he stuffs the keys into his ribs! “Does it got a name?”

“Aye,” Nods the barmaid, “She be ‘The Dramatic Irony’. Couldn’t tell ye the meanin’, though.”

“SQUAWK! It refers to-”

“No matter!” Laughs the turkey as he shoves his parroty counterpart out of the way, “As long as it aids me in my REVENGE QUEST, it can be called whatever it wants!” Turning to you with a devious twinkle in his eye socket, Tory holds his claw out as if to help you out of your seat. “You’ve been a huge help, Dingo… I wonder–would you be willing to help me a bit more?”

You blink. Exsqueeze me?

“Dealing with Stanley will be easy, but her lackeys might… complicate things, especially when we’re setting the trap near the van. We both have the same GOB... will you join me and my comrades?”

“At least until we drop the boat off! Please?” pleads Darwin!

“I feel like we’ve all got really good chemistry here!” Thelonius adds!

“Arrr, I’ll join ye’ too!” Two-Patch adds, earning a trio of withering gazes from the animalgamations! “... a-actually, I’ve got a thing or two ta’ be doin’ here, and…”

“Whaddaya think, bo-err, HANDSOME?” Dinga/Mitz asks with a coquettish wink! “Wanna go for a ride?”

You respond with a blink. Is she coming on to you?

“She’s askin’ if ya’ wanna follow these mooks onto da’ boat, cupcake.”

Oh! Y-yea, that was your second guess! Anyways, you continue, let’s think about it!

>YES! LET’S SET THE TRAP RIGHT NOW!
>YEA, BUT YOU STILL WANNA HANG AROUND A LITTLE LONGER!
>NAH, BUT HE’D BETTER REMEMBER WHAT YOU TOLD HIM!
>WHAT IF YOU TOOK THE BOAT SOMEWHERE ELSE?
>BEFORE YOU GO, YOU WANNA ASK A FEW QUESTIONS!
>WRITE-IN!

That's it for tonight, folks--should have more time FRIDAY AROUND 5-6PM PST! Thanks as usual for playing and hope to see you next time!

Rolled 1 (1d2)

>>5247535

Rolling

>1
>YES! LET’S SET THE TRAP RIGHT NOW!
We can push them into the water while they're least suspecting it/turned around. We might be cutting it close with our disguises, but, if we play our cards right, we can steal the boat and possibly defeat them in one swoop. We could also possibly get Talbot to catch up with the boat and help with the clobbering.

>2
>>NAH, BUT HE’D BETTER REMEMBER WHAT YOU TOLD HIM!
Here, we can stalk Tory and his gang from behind, get the jump on them, and steal the boat.

>>5247535
>YES! LET’S SET THE TRAP RIGHT NOW!
Can we have Ly go inform Syb and Talbot to meet us for an ambush? She can see Ly in his projection form, right?

>>5247618
You betcha you can!

>>5247535
>>5247618
Support! Adding this to my vote.

>>5247535
>>5247618 +1

>>5247535
>YES! LET’S SET THE TRAP RIGHT NOW!
The trap for Stan, of course, not for anyone else. Nope.

>>5247618
>>5247647
>>5247667
>>5247706
>SET THE TRAP!

Writing!

File: unnamed.jpg (44 KB, 497x512)

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You probably ponder for a second before making a decision, not that that's unusual for you. YES, you answer as a grim, toothy smile wraps around your face, it'd be a pleasure! Heh heh HEH!

"GOB! That's the spirit!" Exclaims your new partner as he slaps your back with one of his massive bear claws! "You can stop steepling those fingers of yours now!"

Whoops--got a little carried away! Exchanging a knowing glance with 'Dinga', you innocently ask the leader of the pack when you're shipping out!

"Well," He ponders as your fellow bar patrons slowly return to their previously scheduled revelry, "The tracker says that Stan's already nearby... but you know how a cornered animal can get, GOB..."

"She's a tricky one!" Adds Darwin in a wary tone. "She gave me and Thel the slip back at the FACTORY--still not sure how she got outta that cell!"

"Those meatbags do generate a lot of moisture..." Thelonius suggests. "I still think she slid right through a seam in the wall!"

"GOB! Point is, we need to be careful!" Concludes the leader! "We'll have to gather some SUPPLIES first, maybe put together a backup plan-"

Oh NO--this is gonna take FOREVER! Making your displeasure known with a drawn-out groan, you down the remaining contents of your tankard and slam the cup on the bar! This right here? This is the tomfoolery that's gonna get them all killed!

"GOB!? What do you mean, Dingo?"

What does he mean, 'what do you mean'? That sexy beast is already in the neighborhood--you've gotta strike now while the lion's hot!

"Botched idiom aside, I agree with, uh, shnookums." Adds Mitz as she gives your arm a gentle squeeze. "That freak works fast--we need to work FASTER!"

The turkey weighs your words for a moment before nodding in approval. "GOB... you're the experts, after all. VERY WELL, THEN!" Leaping onto a nearby table (and thoroughly horrifying its occupants in the process), Tory addresses the restaurant with a sweeping gesture! "Get some side dishes ready, everyone, because this turkey's about to bring in the main course!"

"AYE!" Roars Nor'easter along with the other patrons, "Don't be returnin' without her ugly head!"

"We be mountin' it over the gangplank!" Jokes Two-Patch, earning a round of laughter from the other buccaneers!

"Outside?! D'ye intend ta' be scarin' away all me customers!?" Counters the Bar Wench! Hey, that's kinda mean-

Before you can object, you and Mitz are triumphantly paraded out of the restaurant by a horde of drunken, cheering sailors!

"Is it bad that I feel kinda bad?" Mitzi asks as the crowd sets youdown in front of the gangplank and gradually stumbles back into the boat.

Yes, you snarl, so quit it!

>CONTD.

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>>5248440
"GOB! Shall we?" Tory and the others waste no time in following you outside. Retrieving the SET OF KEYS from his ribcage, the turkey looks around the docks for the corresponding vessel. "Anyone see it?"

"Hey, LOOK!" Exclaims Thelonius before dramatically jabbing a claw to the right of the gangplank! Following his lead, you and the others lock your glowing eyes with another familiar set--one belonging to a TRASH PANDA frozen in shock with a fat leg of ham hanging from her chops!

"It's an ANIMAL! Like US!" Confirms Darwin with a look of awe and excitement on his long face! "And it's still alive! Let's KILL it!"

In a surprising display of agility for someone of her weight class, Lil' Stanley darts behind a stack of crates just as your ex-jailers each whip out a TOMMY GUN from their ribs and start spraying the dock! Lumbering after your pet on their thick bear skeleton legs, the two are swiftly called back by a sharp 'GOB' from the big cheese!

"Focus on the big PECKture, you fuzzbrains, and save some ammo for the main course!"

"But..." Mutters Darwin in an embarrassed tone, "But I really wanted to kill it..."

"We'll have plenty of time AFTER we KILL STAN!" Snarls the turkey! "Now help me find this GOB-damned boat!"

Splitting up a bit, you reconvene with Mitz behind a stack of crates and immediately start giggling like schoolgirls! Th-they're so dead!

"I know!" Mitzi giggles as she gives you a playful nudge in the ribs! Ow! "We should probably let the others know, though, right?"

Right, you nod, barely recovering from your giggle fit! Snapping your fingers to get Ly off his lazy ass, you give his ASTRAL PROJECTION a cheeky grin as it emerges from your body. He knows what he's gotta do, right?

"Pretty sure T and Syb already know, but what da' hey?" Leaving you both with a lazy salute, your skeleton dips into the dock and disappears from sight just as Darwin rounds the corner! "Hey," he grunts, jerking his skull backwards, "We found it. Quit hiding behind crates and giggling."

"Sorry, hun!" Replies Mitz as she wraps herself around your arm! "You know how it gets when you're crazy about a man~"

"Yes..." Darwin sighs, wistfully gazing in Thelonius' direction, "Yes I do..." Quickly snapping out of it, the gator-head motions for you to follow. "A-anyways, time's a-wastin'. Don't want that freak to escape, now, do we?"

No, you giggle, you certainly wouldn't! HEH HEH!

"... You really enjoy laughing, don't you?"

Yep, you answer with a dismissive nod, now let's get going already!

>CONTD.

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>>5248442
Once you notice your ship, you can't help but wonder how you missed it before--clad in a fresh coat of black and white paint, The Dramatic Irony sticks out like a particularly flashy sore thumb amidst the other dinghies, speedboats, and sailboats moored along the dock! Sleek and flashy, you venture to call it a yacht, though you're not exactly a SHIP BITCH, so...

"All aboard! GOB!" Leading the charge, Tory immediately heads for the wheel tucked away in a small, closed-off cockpit just under a small seating area. Following along, you take note of the staircase leading deeper into the boat's innards and what appears to be some kind of bedroom/living room combo!

"Aye aye!" Laughs Thelonius as he and Darwin make quick work of the mooring lines with their sharp claws! "We're away, boss!"

"And away we go..." Whispers Mitz as she quietly enters the cockpit behind Tory.

"GOB! We'll park it a bit further past the van signal, then!" Announces the turkey as he quietly adjusts the throttle. As the ship lurches forward, you spot two sets of eyes looking back at you from below deck--one of which glows with an eerie blue aura!

"All set." Reports Ly as his ASTRAL FORM emerges from the water before merging into your body. "Told 'em da' name and they spotted it lickety-split." The skeleton pauses. "These guys ain't da' sharpest knives in da' drawer, are they?"

No, you whisper as you give the eyes a wink, but don't let that fool ya--stupid things can still be real dangerous, you know!

"I can hardly imagine..." Ly replies in a sardonic voice. "I told those two ta' wait for yer' signal--they'll act on their own unless you tell 'em otherwise."

Groovy, you nod, then the trap is basically set!

"Yep!"

The sudden voice behind you nearly makes you hop out of your disguise! Whirling around, you lock eye sockets with a now-familiar crocodile!

"Say, did you see something down there?"

You shrug--nope! Seems clear!

"Hrmm..." He growls, taking a few sniffs of the air, "You're the expert, I guess. Just holler if you notice anything!"

Drawing his TOMMY GUN, Darwin gives his feline friend a nod as the two take separate positions around the vessel--Darwin watching the shore via the top-floor seating area, Thelonius watching from the bow.

“Well…” Ly hisses as the boat lazily floats along the dock, “Here we are…”

Damn right! The question is, how do you take this darn boat?

QUESTION #1:
>GO LOUD!
>GO STEALTHY!

QUESTION #2:
>TAKE CARE OF TORY FIRST! THE OTHERS CAN HANDLE HIS GOONS!
>CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT AND SO WILL YOU–TAKE DOWN THELONIUS AT THE FRONT OF THE BOAT!
>NEVER SMILE AT A CROCODILE! ELIMINATE DARWIN FROM HIS UPPER-DECK PERCH!
>CHAT UP TORY–MAYBE YOU CAN CONVINCE HIM TO TAKE YOU ALL INTO DEEPER WATER?
>WRITE-IN!

>>5248444
>>GO STEALTHY!
>NEVER SMILE AT A CROCODILE! ELIMINATE DARWIN FROM HIS UPPER-DECK PERCH!

We'll save the best course for last...

>>5248668
+1

>>5248668
>>5248672
>STALK A CROC!

ROLL ME 1d100+10 (+5 from sneakiness, +5 from Bunny Suit) TO CRACK A CROC! I'LL TAKE THE BEST OF 3 ROLLS!

BONEUSES AWARDED TO CREATIVE WRITE-INS ON HOW YOU DO THE DEED!

Rolled 100 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>5248725

Let's baccuum his head off and smash it into something!

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>>5248730
AAAAAAWWWWW SHIIIITTTTTTT

>>5248730
Hot DOG! Alright, next decision:
CHOOSE A BACKUUM TARGET:
>TORY
>THELONIUS
>SOMETHING (OR SOMEONE) ELSE

No need to roll!

>>5248734
>>THELONIUS

>>5248730
OHSHIT
>>5248734
>THELONIUS

Also hate to cut it off now, but I'm probably gonna write the next update SATURDAY AROUND 1-2PM PST-- been feeling off ever since I got home today and certainly not NAT-100-worthy in my writing chops at the moment.

Anywho, if there's any specific NEAT TRICK you wanna try out on poor Darwin and Thelonius with the BACKUUM, feel free to write it in--otherwise I'll whip something up tomorrow. Catch ya' then!

>>5248752
Suck up Darwin's head and use it like a crocodile skull shaped missile aimed at the center of Thelonius' mass so that even if it doesn't scatter his bones it has a good chance to knock him overboard

>>5248735
>>5248741
>>5248818
>BACKUUM BLITZ!
Writing!

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No time to waste–if you keep this charade up any longer these guys might actually get CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!

“An’ we don’t want ‘DAT!” Exclaims your skeleton as you make your way up the stairs towards Darwin’s perch. No, you mutter, no you don’t…

“So I was thinking,” Darwin begins as you steathily remove your BACKUUM from your pockets (which is difficult enough without not being able to SEE said pockets), “What do you guys think about getting, like, matching tattoos or something after this?”

“What, like CARVINGS?” Thelonius asks from the deck below! “I LOVE it!”

“GOB! It’ll serve as a fond reminder of our victory over that brother-killing blockhead!” Tory adds as you finish slipping the device’s loops onto your arms. “We need a design, though, don’t we?”

“Yea…” Mutters the cat-headed hooligan as you creep up behind him! “Any ideas?”

“I know!” Shouts Darwin in a triumphant tone, “Let’s all take a few minutes to think about the design, then share!”

“Always the Brains of the outfit, aren’t you? GOB!” Tory chides playfully! “Okay, but remember–we’re looking for a good place to plant this boat!”

Levelling the BACKUUM’S nozzle with Darwin’s skull, a sudden dip in the waves forces your hand… and the device’s POWER SWITCH!

“AAAAAUUGH!” Roars Tory as the croc’s skull is firmly sucked into the BACKUUM mouth-first, “I CAN’T DECIIIIIIDE!”

“QUIT SHOUTING!” Thelonius fires back, not hearing his headless companion stumble blindly around the top floor looking for someone to strangle, “I CAN’T HEAR ANYTHING IF WE YELL!”

“I CAN’T HELP IT, GOB!” Tory continues as you watch Darwin’s mix-and-match body topple head-err, NECK first into the drink! “I’M JUST… I’M SO MAD ABOUT STAN!” It takes a moment of gritted teeth before you realize no one noticed. Neat!

“NNH! NNGH!”

“Jeez, cupcake–he’s actually BITIN’ da’ wheel…” Remarks your skeleton as he goes to take a look.

You have that effect on people, yea…

>CONTD.

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>>5249503
“But… but since we’re sharing…” Sighs a slightly-calmer Tory as you peek over the guardrail at Thelonious, “I uh… I just wanted to say that… and I really hope this doesn’t make you feel awkward, Dingo,”

Not at all, you reply, lining up your nozzle with the cat’s malformed body. Just a little to the left….

“Dat’s yer’ right, cupcake.”

Whoops.

“I uh… I just wanted to say that… well… I love you guys.”

Flicking the power switch back on, you send Darwin’s screaming skull flying like a marsh-dwelling missile towards Thelonious’ stunned form!

“I know, I KNOW!” Tory interrupts, clearly taking Darwin’s terrified howl as something else entirely, “You guys don’t have to feel the same way, but… but after all of those adventures we’ve had since King died, like the New Pack Leader Arc, that training we did up in the woods, the beach episode-gee, I still miss Harriet…”

Like the last one, your shot goes wild–rather than hitting Thelonious in the chest, you send Darwin’s naturally projectile-shaped skull drilling directly into his counterpart’s, reducing both of their craniums to dust in the process!
https://youtu.be/9FHw2aItRlw

“Fine, you BABIES,” Tory snaps, not noticing Thelonious tumbling over the side of the boat either, “That’s the last time I share anything with YOU TWO, that’s for sure! GOB!”

If only he knew how right he was… Filling the silence by humming a jaunty tune, Tory’s none the wiser as you descend the stairs to give your pals an air high-five!

“I’m STILL gonna think about that TATTOO, though!” Tory adds as you contemplate how to end this. “And don’t think you’re off the hook either, Dingo and Dinga!”

He hasn’t got a clue, has he? How do you finish things here?
>SHAKE THE GLAMOUR OFF AND MAKE AN ENTRANCE!
>IF IT AIN’T BROKE, DON’T FLICK IT! BACKUUM THIS TURKEY!
>CARVE HIM UP WITH YOUR PALS, BUT LEAVE THE SKULL!
>LET HIM BAKE FOR A BIT… LET TORY DISCOVER YOU!
>LET ONE OF YOUR PALS COOK THIS TURKEY! (WHO?)
>WRITE-IN!

>>5249505
>>SHAKE THE GLAMOUR OFF AND MAKE AN ENTRANCE!

>>5249505
>LET ONE OF YOUR PALS COOK THIS TURKEY! (WHO?)
In an uncharacteristic move of friendship, perhaps motivated by Tory’s speech, we’ll let Mitzi do the honors.

>>5249505
And I also think it would be appreciably insulting that he doesn’t even get taken out by us, but by one of our ‘mooks.’

>>5249505
If a little while goes by and there aren’t any other votes, just consider me switched to >>5249566 so we can roll things along.

>>5249674

Aw rats. But I wanted to switch to your vote-- I just chose the first since I couldn't think of who to write-in the kill.

>>5249665
>>5249669
>>5249505

Switching vote. Change to what F+ABACBT suggested.

>>5249665
supporting this

>>5249665
>>5249680
>>5249681
>JUST BE A TOTAL UNREPENTANT BITCH TO TORY I GUESS WOW ALRIGHT

Writing!

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Setting your BACKUUM to the ‘UNYIELDING VOID’ setting, you eagerly scamper over to the cockpit like a kid on Christmas Morning about to try out a new vacuum cleaner! Ah, nostalgia! Passing through the threshold with a tool banned in several countries, the pep in your step falters as you notice Mitz watching longingly from the corner of the room!

Well… you THINK it’s ‘longingly’. Could just be ‘hungry’, too–hard to tell in these SKELETON GLAMOURS.

Not noticing you, Tory continues to whistle while he works like a character out of an old ‘Mockey Muskrat’ talkie. Aiming the nozzle at his freakish, snakelike head, your finger shakily lingers over the trigger as a wave of alien emotions washes over your body!

Glancing at Mitz, you earn a look of vague concern as you struggle to regain control. She could also still just be hungry, too–again, SKELETON GLAMOURS.

An album’s-worth of mental snapshots flip through your head–each of them related to the team’s resident SNEAKY, ALOOF, AND SURPRISINGLY TONED TOMBOY… AND one of your good friends. Thinking it’s a flashback, you brace for Ly’s attack on your forehead, but it never comes!

What… What IS this?

“It’s called ‘generosity’, cupcake.” Explains your skeleton as you methodically place one foot in front of the other and tromp over to Mitz like a robot! “An’ don’t worry–it’s totally normal.”

It… it HURTS.

“... Yea, no clue where dat’s comin’ from. Prolly’ ANOTHER mental illness we’re gonna hafta’ spitshine out…” Ly mutters. Wordlessly handing off the BACKUUM to the RENT-A-COP, you gesture for her to cook the turkey as you creep back towards the entrance.

Leaving Mitz with a cornucopia of emotions to sort through, you take a position out of sight and listen for the fireworks.

“Not gonna lie, cupcake:” Ly muses as you rock with the boat, “Dat’s uh… dat’s a mighty nice thing ta’ do for ole’ Mitz.”

Yea, you shrug, you figure she earned it.

“... An’ dat’s it, huh?” Your skeleton adds.

… okay, MAYBE you also find the idea of Tory getting killed by someone else entirely kinda funny. But that’s it!

“... okay, yea–dat’ IS pretty funny.”

Right?

>CONTD.

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>>5249838
Your name is BORIS PONDEROSA: a stand-up guy and, as you’re already PAINFULLY aware, the HERO of this tale!

Just kidding. Welcome back, guys! You’re MITZI MULDOON: team sweetheart and the girl carrying industrial-strength DEATH in her hands! Good of you to show up when ya did–you JUST finished contemplating all of those deep, dark secrets and thoughts you have–now it’s time for business and nothing but!

“I think I’ve got my tattoo figured out, GOBS!”

Case in point. You’re not sure what possessed her to do it (you’re guessing it was Ly), but if you’re interpreting correctly, Stan just asked you to put this turkey on ice–not sure why she went this route, but you’ve gotta admit the idea of some random gal putting this guy out to pasture IS pretty funny!

“Hear me out: it looks like a HAND TURKEY, right? But on each of the feathers are our faces!”

The question is… how? She shoved the BACKUUM into your hands and you DEFINITELY wouldn’t mind taking it out for a spin–if those MeTUBE vids are any indicator, this might be REALLY fun.

Still, doesn’t this guy deserve a little more warning? Seems kinda anti-climactic to you, not that you mind, of course. Out of everyone on the boat right now, you’re the only one without some kind of power.

Well, except for… THAT.

“Maybe we could all be riding a motorcycle, too? Could I get some feedback here?”

Just kidding~! Or are you? Anyways, the spotlight’s on you, Mitz–Bake? Fry? How are we cooking this creep?

>BACKUUM HIM AND SEE HOW FAR YOU CAN LAUNCH HIM! YOU WANNA TAKE THIS FOR A SPIN!
>LET’S BE PROFESSIONAL HERE–BATON TO THE HEAD. SIMPLE AND EFFECTIVE!
>GET HIS ATTENTION FIRST, THEN BLAST HIM WITH SOMETHING. LET THE SITUATION REALLY SINK IN–STAN LOVES THAT MEAN CRAP!
>YOU STILL HAVE THAT SCIENCE GUN YOU GRABBED FROM THE NERD–HOW DOES ATOMIZED TURKEY SOUND?
>WRITE-IN!

>>5249505
>GET HIS ATTENTION FIRST, THEN BLAST HIM WITH SOMETHING. LET THE SITUATION REALLY SINK IN–STAN LOVES THAT MEAN CRAP!

Got plans in a little bit so unfortunately gonna have to call it here for tonight--should have more SUNDAY AROUND 1-2PM PST--maybe earlier! Not on my usual rig right now, either, so it's probably for the best. Seeya next time!

>>5249848
>>GET HIS ATTENTION FIRST, THEN BLAST HIM WITH SOMETHING. LET THE SITUATION REALLY SINK IN–STAN LOVES THAT MEAN CRAP!

>>5249848
>GET HIS ATTENTION FIRST, THEN BLAST HIM WITH SOMETHING. LET THE SITUATION REALLY SINK IN–STAN LOVES THAT MEAN CRAP!

>>5249857
>>5249903
>>5249913
>GET HIS ATTENTION!

Had a few too many drinks to write a fresh update, but here's what I CAN do before tomorrow:

ROLL ME 1d100+10 (DUE TO SNEAKINESS) to see how well this trick goes! I'll take the best of 3 rolls! Feel free to write in any specific actions that Mitz should take!

Actual written update will happen SUNDAY around the aforementioned time.

>>5250221

Rolled 67 + 10 (1d100 + 10)

>>5250221

Rolled 95 + 10 (1d100 + 10)

>>5250221

Rolled 62 + 10 (1d100 + 10)

>>5250221
Not gonna beat a 105 but here is the third roll nonetheless

>>5250226
>>5250230
>>5250321
>HIGHEST ROLL: 105!

Don't mess with Mitz, apparently. Writing!

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Flicking the power switch, you let out an unamused sigh as your tool swiftly sucks up the turkey’s head with an anticlimactic ‘SHOONK’! Politely stepping around Tory’s body as its claws flail trying to grab you, you give Stan a wink as you leave the cockpit and trot over to where Thelonious had been standing a few minutes before!

Being a dock, the area is ripe with targets–all of them moving thanks to the boat. Right, you think, someone really oughta take the wheel before you bump into something!

Shipping Container? Nope. Crane? Hmmm…. Maybe. You’re almost won over by a large stack of crates when you find your challenge: since no one properly described the port, you can just barely see the broadside of the FLOATING RESTAURANT just on the over side of the docks!

Well… you do have a cannon, kinda…

Taking aim at where the water meets the side of the ship, you take one more steadying breath before sending Tory to Davey Jones’ Locker with the push of a button!

‘SHOOP!’

Your name is STANLEY PARBLE and all that jazz, and you just watched Mitz no-sell Tory into a RESTAURANT that’s GOTTA be at least five feet away! Ten, at least!

“We really gotta go over Math again after all dis’, don’t we?” Ly remarks as you watch the establishment take on water! Sure, you mutter, still utterly spellbound watching SKELETONS leap off the ship like rats, whatever he says!

“Damn fine shot, though.”

Fuckin’ A.

“Fun toy, boss.” Mitzi remarks as she turns to give you one of those half-smiles she always does. “Guess it’s a good thing you saved the best for last, huh?”

She can say that again, you remark! That shot was one in a million!

“And lemme guess: ‘so am I’, right?” Mitz replies with a wink! “You’re such a tease, Stan...”

“Holy SHIT!”

Oh right, Talbot and Syb are here. As the former lumbers over with shock and awe still plastered on his stupid face, the latter blinks into existence next to you in a flash of light!

“Alright, catch me up here–did Mitz just ice that TERRY guy’s brother??”

“You betcha!” The Rent-A-Cop chirps! “Guess he wasn’t the stronger one, was he, Stan?”

I mean… he never really claimed to be, did he? Hm.

“I shudder to think what you’re capable of when taking things seriously, Mitzi.”

“Me too.” Mitzi retorts as she hands the BACKUUM back over to you. “Not that I mind the attention, but who’s steering this thing anyways?”

“MEMEMemeME!”
MEmemEMEME!

As both you and Talbot register what’s happening, you lock eyes for a split second before scampering off towards the cockpit like a pair of dogs at feeding time!

>CONTD.

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>>5250971
Employing every shove and dirty trick you have short of chucking each other overboard, you and your ex-bodyguard skid into the cockpit just in time to find it occupied!

Oh… oh no…

“Heyyyy, look who’s still kickin’!” Operating the wheel and the throttle with all four of her claws, LIL’ STANLEY greets Talbot with a welcoming purr as she takes a bite out of the PIECE OF HAM wedged next to her on the control panel! What, she couldn’t get some for the rest of the team?

“D’aww, she’s just a widdle hungwy, aint’cha, cutie?” Talbot continues, going so far as to scratch the critter behind the ears! “Did you know that raccoons are smart enough to drive space shuttles? It’s true!”

Yea, well, you could do that too, y'know, if you felt like it! You can't help but frown as you watch your fuzzy counterpart steal your fun… and your attention! The only thing she’s driving is you... you MAD, that is!

“Don’t listen to her, fuzzy-wuzzy–she’s just jeawwus...” Says Talbot as he scratches the raccoon under her chin! Rolling your eyes at the smug look on your pet’s face, you stomp out of the cockpit and slam the door shut behind you! ‘Jeawwus’, he says!

“Who won?” Asks Mitz as Syb works on removing her skeleton disguise. “Not you, I’m guessing.”

Friggin’ LIL’ STANLEY did, you groan, jabbing a thumb towards the helm! Peering in through the glass, both Syb and Mitz give each other an impressed nod.

“She’s very coordinated for such a small animal.”
“Drives better than my sister ever did.”

>CONTD.

>>5250975
Can we stop talking about the damn TRASH PANTHER for a sec?! They’re wasting all of your daylight!

Both Syb and Mitz stare pointedly at the crisp midday sun for a brief moment. Okay, you groan, they get the point though, right? We’ve got the boat–now what?!

“You’ll be happy to know that while you and Mitzi were, erm, transferring ownership of this vessel, Talbot and I made a pleasant discovery below deck!”

“Weren’t you and Art an item?” Mitz asks in a confused tone. “He’s not gonna like this one bit, you know-”

“Very funny.” Sybil snaps. “We found AIR CYLINDERS, Stanley–at least three of them.”

Oh WOW, you reply, wiggling your fingers in mock surprise, so what, everyone’s just gonna suck on those all the way to ATLANTA?

“She’s talking about the things you use to SCUBA DIVE, Stan.” Mitzi interjects. “Hope you found some wetsuits too, moonglow–that sweater ain’t gonna keep you warm down in the water.”

“Well we haven’t had the chance to do a thorough search…” Sybil shrugs. “But now that the previous owners are gone, we have a little time to spare before reaching our destination.” The Goth sends a sideways glance towards the cockpit. “Does… does our Skipper know the way to PITCHFORK ROCK?”

As if on cue, The Dramatic Irony changes course towards the foreboding collection of rocky spires looming on the horizon. Guess so!

“In that case,” Continues Syb, “It might not be a bad idea to see what we can scrounge up below deck.”

“On it.” Mitz volunteers, raising her hand as she heads for the stairs.

“In that case, I’ll keep watch for any… uninvited guests.” Heading towards Darwin’s old perch, your BFF turns to you as if remembering something. “Oh right: if possible, Stanley, please inform me if you hear anything from Art… and, erm, the others too! Yes!”

Blinking away before you can call her out, your pale pal leaves you to mull over your next move. Since you haven’t gotten seasick yet, you know what that means:

DECISION TIIIIME!
“Oh boy.” Mutters Ly.
What’s next on the agenda? Seems like you’ve got some time before reaching your landmark…

>CHECK IN WITH TALBOT AND… THE BEAST! DO THEY ACTUALLY KNOW WHERE WE’RE GOING?
>SEARCH FOR SUPPLIES WITH MITZ! YOU STILL NEED TO THANK HER FOR ALL HER HELP!
>HELP SYB ON LOOKOUT! SAY, MAYBE YOU COULD GET SOME FISHING IN, TOO!
>TRY TO CALL UNIVERSITY AND MUSEUM TEAMS–MAYBE THEY’VE FOUND SOMETHING?
>JUST CHILL FOR A BIT–HOW OFTEN DO YOU GET TO RIDE A YACHT!?
>WRITE-IN!

>>5250976
>JUST CHILL FOR A BIT–HOW OFTEN DO YOU GET TO RIDE A YACHT!?

>>5250976
>>TRY TO CALL UNIVERSITY AND MUSEUM TEAMS–MAYBE THEY’VE FOUND SOMETHING?

>>5250985
>>5250976

Adding this to my vote. We can do this as well.

>>5250985
>>5250992
>CHILL ON A BOAT!
>BUT ALSO CHECK IN WITH THOSE OTHER LAZY SHITS

Writing!

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Isn’t it obvious? Flopping onto a nearby deck chair, you adjust your sunglasses a bit as you start soaking up a few rays!

“... Not dat’ I ain’t enjoying dis,” Ly mutters under his breath, “but shouldn’t we oughta’... y’know, help wit’ somethin’?”

You ARE helping, dingus! Whenever you get into a scrap with a LIEUTENANT, who ends up carrying the whole team, hmm?

“Well last time Art an’ Ed did a pretty good job… so did yer’ grandad-”

STANLEY, that’s who! So if you wanna keep it up, you’re gonna have to rest up a bit! And, y’know, make sure you get, like, SUN VITAMINS, or whatever!

“Ah, gee, I guess dat’ settles it...” Replies your skeleton as you try to roll up your coveralls a little higher. You’d probably get a BITCHIN’ TAN if you just took ‘em off! Stupid TALBOT having to tag along all the time…

“Before we get too cozy,” Ly continues, “Why don’t we check in on da’ others?”

You blink. Is he stupid or something? Mitz just went below deck, Talbot’s playing with YOUR pet, and Syb’s-

“I meant da’ people who didn’t tag along.” Your bones retort with growing irritation in their voice. “Y’know, da’ ones we sent to da’ MUSEUM an’ UNIVERSITY?”

Oh, uh… yea. You were talking about them too, actually! Whipping out your RADIO before Ly can get any more sass in, you flip to the channel you THINK Art and the MUSEUM crew were on and press the TRANSMIT button! Guess who’s catchin’ rays on a new boat, bitches-
https://youtu.be/tY_kfFnyoic
“PARBLE! RESCUED HOSTAGES OR NOT, YOU’D BETTER NOT BE SLACKING OFF ON COMPANY TI-”
Whoopswrongnumber. Flicking to another random channel, you take a few steadying breaths before trying again… man, whose idea was it to run off without assigning radio channels anyways?

“... ours, I think.” Ly responds, clearly not sure of himself. “I distinctly recall ya’ shoutin’ ‘SHOTGUN!’ before runnin’ for da’ van…”

D’oh! Taking another deep breath to calm down from your impromptu Blumenkrantz encounter, you press the TRANSMIT button down one more time and try again! Guess who’s catchin’ rays on a new boa-

Before you can finish, your ears are assaulted by a storm of gunfire and a long, low bellow reminiscent of rolling thunder! “NOT NOW, STAN!” Shouts Art in a near-breathless voice! Before you can respond, the channel goes dead and stays that way for a few uncomfortable minutes.

Huh.

>CONTD.

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>>5251356
Hooookaaaay, you sigh, third time’s the charm, right? Flipping to yet another random channel, you take a moment before pressing the button again. Err, ahoy?

“S-S-Stan?”

Aw damn it, you forgot Kiki took Denise with her! What a friggin’ disappointment!

“Y-yea… I-I’m s-sorry… Sh-she’s erm, she’s driving and, well, st-studies have shown that a-any multitasking in a v-vehicle increases the risk of a-accidents an-”

She’s running the risk of PISSING YOU OFF, you snarl! You just sat down to get a tan and now this happens…

“Ooh… s-sounds fun..”

It was until now! What’s their status, anyways?

“W-we’re j-just about on campus…” Denise squeaks over the sound of squealing tires in the background. “N-not that I’m c-complaining, but K-Kiki drives VERY fa-”

Forget about that, you interrupt! Is the path clear to CLEARWATER U?

“Y-yes! Th-the survivors ap-appear to have been bu-busy… Th-they’ve g-got barricades an-”

Yes, yes, you didn’t ask for a picture! Look, you continue, when they get there they need to track down the department of, like, occult shit, okay? And tell ‘em STANLEY PARBLE: SHOOTING STAR sent ya!

“... do… do I have to i-include the s-sh-shooting sta-”

Yes. Yes you do.

“.... okay…” Sighs the dweeb. “Wh-what exactly sh-should I inquire a-about?”

Cripes, do you need to come up with choices for EVERYTHING around here!? You want to learn about ATLANTA! Figure it out!

“A-Atlantis… Y-yes m’am!” Denise replies! Ugh, you just know she’s doing a dumb little salute, too… “A-anything else i-in part-ticular?”

Is there?
>LICHES!
>WILD MAGIC!
>THE FAE!
>RACCOONS!
>MERMAIDS!
>DEMONS!
>HAUNTED MUSEUMS, APPARENTLY!
>NO! QUIT BUGGING ME!
>WRITE-IN!

>>5251381
>WILD MAGIC!

>>5251381

>>WILD MAGIC!

>>5251381
>WILD MAGIC!

>>5251421
>>5251486
>>5251535
>WILD AND WACKY MAGIC!

Sorry, got distracted by surprise guests! Writing the last update of the night and will probably update again MONDAY AROUND 5-6PM PST!

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In part-ticular’, huh? Rubbing your chin in thought, it slowly dawns on you that you never really asked that professor of the occult anything while you were up at the university. You blame all the drama Eddie and Tucker caused.

… the giant mutated sea critter colosseum fight might have distracted you too.

“S-Stan?” Denise whines, soundly yanking you back into reality. “D-did I say s-something wrong again? Oh sh-shoot…”

Not yet, you snap! There’s certainly quite a few things you wouldn’t mind asking about-THE FAE, LICHES, HAUNTED MUSEUMS, MAYBE… There is one thing linking them together, though–one that you can’t seem to get away from no matter how much you ignore it.

When you meet up with your fellow geeks, you instruct, see what you can get out of them about WILD MAGIC–where it comes from, its effects on people, treatments, the whole nine yards!

“W-wild magic…” Denise repeats in a serious tone. “C-consider it done, Stanley! I-I’ll be wr-writing a dissertation on th-the phenomenon by the t-time you c-call agai-”

Super, you interrupt, but try to, y’know, simplify it a bit, yea? F-for the other gang members to read, that is!

“Mhm!” Agrees the scientist on the other end! “A-and don’t worry–I-I’ll dig up s-some information on At-Atlantis too! Oh!”

You nearly sit up. Oh?

“Err, n-nothing! J-just approaching a ch-checkpoint…” Denise replies, anxiety building up in her voice! “C-call us l-later, okay? I sh-should have some more intel b-by then… a-and I won’t acc-accidentally call you at a b-bad time!”

Very considerate of her. Drumming your fingers against the side of the radio, you take a deep breath before asking Professor Venaas one last thing. Denise?

“Y-yes…?” She replies as you hear the van pulling up to something.

Errr, you grumble, thanks. For, uh… doing this.

“Wh-why of COURSE!” Oh no, she’s chipper now. “D-don’t mention it, Stanley! R-really-”

Alright, you won’t! That’s all for now, then, you reply before she can get another word in! CIAO!

Fleeing to the safety of another channel on the radio, you let loose with a long, contented sigh as you put the device away and sink deeper into your chair!

“MAGIC, huh?” Ly remarks as you watch the docks grow smaller in the distance, “I’d be lyin’ if I said I weren’t curious about it too…”

That’s why you asked, you shrug! Whatever the hell it is, you’re affected by it, apparently. Couldn’t hurt to get a little more dirt on it!

“I hear dat’.”

Soaking up a few more rays of sun in blissful silence, by the time your eyes open again from beneath your sunglasses your vessel is much closer to PITCHFORK ROCK!

But, y’know, not close enough…

>CONTD.

File: deepocean.jpg (174 KB, 1280x853)

174 KB JPG

>>5251837
Peering over the railing at the sea carrying you along, you feel a small pit form in your stomach as your eyes are met by a dark, yawning abyss below you. Guess you’re away from the beach, huh?

“Yep…” sighs your skeleton as he drifts out of your body for some ASTRAL RECONNAISSANCE. “An’ things seem pretty clear so far–no sign of baddies.”

That’s what you like to hear, you say with a toothy grin! All things considered, this boat heist of yours went pretty well, huh?

“Sure, but don’t even think of jinxin’ us…” Ly replies in a foreboding tone. What, like he did just now? Come on, man! Rising to a sitting position, you can’t help but frown at the approaching rock formation–things are never this easy….

Your growing paranoia makes you antsy. Clearly you’ve got to preoccupy yourself–if you keep focusing on Art’s transmission or how damn deep the water is below you, you’re just gonna flip out!

What’s the plan, Stan?
>NOPE, YOU’RE NOT LEAVIN’ THIS CHAIR! JUST KEEP LOUNGIN’!
>SEE HOW MITZ’ SURVEY BELOW DECK IS GOING–MAYBE SHE FOUND SNACKS!
>TALBOT HASN’T BUGGED YOU IN A BIT–LET’S CHANGE THAT AND CHECK ON THE BOAT’S ‘CAPTAIN’ WHILE WE’RE AT IT!
>SYB COULD USE AN EXTRA PAIR OF EYES–BETTER WATCH THE SEAS WITH HER!
>WRITE-IN!

>>5251838
>SEE HOW MITZ’ SURVEY BELOW DECK IS GOING–MAYBE SHE FOUND SNACKS!
See if those goons stashed anything else on this boat (and try to sneak up on Mitzi to see what she’s up to)

>>5251838
>>SEE HOW MITZ’ SURVEY BELOW DECK IS GOING–MAYBE SHE FOUND SNACKS!

>>5251865
>>5251874
>DON'T MITZ THIS OPPORTUNITY!

Writing!

File: mitzidam.png (267 KB, 574x328)

267 KB PNG

Hold on a sec here–this is a YACHT! You know what that means!

“We don’t gotta swim anymore?”

Yes, you nod, rising from your lounge chair, but it also means THE FOUR D’S: DRINKS, DRUGS, AND DELICIOUS SNACKS!

Properly motivated once more, you make for the stairs leading to the LOWER DECK with a spring in your step! Golly, you think as you nearly trip over yourself going down the stairs, you’re finally a BOAT OWNER! Maybe this SKELETON APOCALYPSE ain’t so bad after all!

“Dat’s what ya’ said about da’ BUNKER.” Replies your skeleton as you land at the foot of the stairs! Yea, you grunt, and that hasn’t changed!

Speaking of changing, it takes you a moment to realize you aren’t alone–standing in the plush bedroom past a dining table, sitting booth, and kitchen area is Mitz–the Rent-A-Cop eyeing you warily while holding up a WETSUIT to her still-clothed chest.

“Uh… ever hear of knocking?” She asks with a mischievous twinkle in her eye. “I coulda’ been changing, y’know.”

Good thing you weren’t, you retort, planting your hands on your hips, because the bedroom door’s WIDE open!

“Hm…” Mitz muses, shifting her gaze between you and the open bedroom door, “So it is… So it is…”

Letting her eyes linger on you for a few more moments, the Rent-A-Cop eventually dispels the tension with a nonchalant shrug. “So what’s up, boss? Miss me already?”

Yea right, you groan as you deftly dodge another one of Mitz’ winks! You wanted to check out the SNACK SITCH, is all! And, y’know, you add, scratching the back of your head awkwardly, the uh… the other stuff, too.

“All business, huh?” Pouts Mitz as she takes a seat on the food of the bed. “Well I’ve got good news and bad news, Stan–whatcha’ wanna hear first?”

You’ll start with the bad, you shrug. You’re getting used to that stuff as of late.

“Better to get it over with, right?” She says with a wry grin. “Pantry and fridge are totally empty–guess the owners didn’t want a smelly ship.”

Sh-she’s LYING! It CAN’T BE! Scuttling over to the sizable black fridge, you tear both doors open only to have your worst fears confirmed–both sides and even the freezer are BARREN! Systematically ripping open the cabinets, you’re greeted by nothing but silverware, plates, and cheap cutlery!

“Toldja.” Mitz shrugs as panic sets in! “Good news is that this baby’s got a whole bunch of WETSUITS AND SCUBA GEAR– decent condition, too.”

Sure, you sniff, not bothering to look as Mitz holds up several different-colored wetsuits, but at what COST?

“Would it KILL ya’ ta’ be a little less dramatic every now an’ then?”

Yes. Yes it would.

>CONTD.

File: scubgear.jpg (328 KB, 1200x1200)

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>>5252882
Alright, you sigh as you plop onto the bed next to Mitz, so how much gear do we have, anyways?

“Enough to keep everyone breathing for an hour, give or take.” Shrugs the Rent-A-Cop as she kicks the pile of air cylinders lying on the bedroom floor. “Well, a couple of hours if we take a few an’ swap ‘em out.”

Great plan, genius--how the hell are you supposed to do that underwater, huh?

“Best case scenario: we switch them out when we find ATLANTIS.” Mitz replies, face scrunched up in thought. “... but I guess that’d depend on whether we find an air pocket or not…”

Fingers crossed!

“Yea, gonna need more than that, boss.” The security goon sighs, turning to look at you. “Mind if I squeeze into that SEA CLOAK with ya’ on the way down?”

You respond with a frown–would that even work? It might be okay for LIL’ STANLEY, but-

“Just kidding, boss!” She interrupts with a smile! “Sweet of ya’ to offer, but I probably know my way around a rebreather better than anyone else on this ship. Besides,” Mitz continues as she decides on a wetsuit with crimson accents around the shoulders, “You sink like a rock with that thing on, right? No thanks.”

Rising from the bed, the Rent-A-Cop continues to assemble diving kits on the floor–masks, boots, fins–if you didn’t know better you’d think you’d wandered into a class or something. Or a really weird laundromat…

“Thanks, by the way.” She mutters, earning a raised eyebrow from you. Eh?

“For letting me try out the BACKUUM, ya’ dork.” Mitz giggles as she bleeds one of the air tanks a bit and gives it a whiff. “You know I’m kidding when I mess around with you, though, right?”

You blink. What ‘messing around’ is she talking about now, exactly? The redhead turns to look at you with an interrogating stare. “Y’know… when I act all flustered about you picking other people on the team.” Turning her attention back to the rebreather she’s tinkering with, the Rent-A-Cop shrugs. “Don’t feel bad about your picks, Stan–we’re with ya’ no matter what.”

You scratch the back of your calf with your foot. Like, when you’re picking teams and stuff?

“Duh.” She laughs, “What did YOU think I meant?”

Before you can respond, the tomboy waves you and the question away. “Forget it, boss–anything you wanna talk about? I know you didn’t come down here to hear me rant…”

Well now that she mentions it…
CHOOSE 1:
>WHAT’S HER TAKE ON THE REST OF THE TEAM?
>CAN SHE GIVE YOU A RUNDOWN ON SCUBA? JUST IN CASE YOU LOSE YOUR CLOAK, OR WHATEVER!
>WHAT’S HER PLAN ONCE ALL THIS STUFF BLOWS OVER?
>HOW’S SHE DOING, ANYWAYS?
>OKAY SERIOUSLY–IS SHE HITTING ON YOU?
>NAH… YOU’LL LEAVE HER TO IT!
>WRITE-IN!

>>5252883
>>CAN SHE GIVE YOU A RUNDOWN ON SCUBA? JUST IN CASE YOU LOSE YOUR CLOAK, OR WHATEVER

>>5252883
>CAN SHE GIVE YOU A RUNDOWN ON SCUBA? JUST IN CASE YOU LOSE YOUR CLOAK, OR WHATEVER!

>>5252954
>>5252971
>SCUBA 101!
Writing!

File: Full_Regulator.jpg (86 KB, 980x539)

86 KB JPG

You can’t help but watch Mitzi work–granted, she isn’t doing something really cool like assembling a big pile of handguns or whatever, but you’d be lying if you said you weren’t a tad enraptured by the way she puts kits together as easily as you tie your shoes!

“Sure…” Ly mutters as you continue to stare, “Dat’s why we always wear laceless boots, right?”

Yep. Sure. Whatever! Waving your snarky bones off, you ask Mitz if she’d mind giving you a quick rundown on SCUBA–y’know… just in case, or whatever!

“Absolutely not.”

Her words hit you like a truck. Wh-wha?

“Naaah, just kidding. I said I’d take you out there once all this was over, didn’t I?” She adds with a toothy grin! “Can’t chuck ya’ in the water while we’re moving, but I can go over the basics…”

Sure, you nod, crossing your arms over your chest! You’re pretty sure you get the idea already, but-

“... but you wouldn’t mind me ironing out the details, right?” She concludes, raising an eyebrow your way. Yea! What she said!

“Watch and learn, flash.” Detaching the mess of rubber tubes and, uh, breathy… bits… from a cylinder, your instructor underhand tosses the tangle into your outstretched hands. “This right here is the regulator, but most folks call it an ‘octopus’.”

Ahhh, you mutter, because of-

“Yep, all the ‘tentacles’.” Mitz says with a grin. Ah. That was your second guess! “You attach this guy to your cylinder along with your buoyancy compensator–that’s the backpack thing.” Following her finger to the shoulder straps lying on the floor, you watch with interest as she buckles it around the cylinder she tested earlier.

“The backpack controls how much you float–pump too much air and you’ll bob on the surface. Too little and you’ll be walking, not diving.” Showing you where the straps attach to the cylinder, Mitzi’s hand wanders over to the valve on top. “Oh right, before I forget: always check your cylinder before ya’ assemble your kit.”

Right, you nod, wouldn’t want to get poisoned or something.

“Sure…” She shrugs, “That and it’s super embarrassing to be the one person holding everyone up while you reassemble. Doesn’t matter now, of course, but… yea.”

Tightening the straps holding the cylinder, she points to the back of the cylinder where the valve sits. “You’re gonna want this in the back, too–otherwise you’ll keep bumping it with your head and it’ll suck, trust me. You can attach the octopus here.” Following her finger to a screw-on point at the top of the cylinder, you stick your tongue out in concentration as you twist it on.

“Make it tight–you want the oxygen to flow into the rebreather, not the water, right?”

DUH!

>CONTD.

File: regleak_opener.jpg (26 KB, 500x347)

26 KB JPG

>>5253045
Observing your handiwork, Mitz eventually gives you the nod of approval. “Lookin’ good, Stan. You’re a natural.”

You blink. All you did was twist a tube, though!

“Exactly.” Winks your instructor! “Keep it up and you’ll be doin’ it in your sleep, boss. Now try it on.”

Heaving the assembly onto your back, you can’t help but balk a bit at the weight–what the hell’s in this thing, anyways? ROCK GAS!?

“Close. Pressurized air.” Explains Mitzi as she moves around behind you. “I won’t bore ya’ with the physics crap, but the deeper you go the more air you suck up, so this guy right here will be your best friend.” Before you can ask, the Rent-A-Cop’s hand points you towards a small pressure gauge hanging off the ‘oculus’ or whatever. “When the needle’s in the red it’s time to go home.”

Hey, wait a second… bringing the gauge closer, you give its surface a few forceful taps–the stupid thing’s already in the red! Shitty machine!

“Dang, guess it’s defective.” Mitz groans from behind you. You’re about to take the gear off when you feel a hand dart towards the back of your neck!

‘Hsst!’

So, you whisper, Mitz is actually a SNAKE LADY… you always suspected it, but-

The big reveal is put on hold as your teacher wanders back in front of you with your rebreather in hand! Jiggling the breathing apparatus in your face, she brings the mouthpiece to her lips and takes a slow, deep breath. What the hell?!

“You gotta’ open the valve to breathe the air, dork.” Mitzi explains as she taps your pressure gauge a few times revealing the needle to be near the full pressure mark! “Your turn.”

Placing the rebreather in your mouth like a parent feeding a kid, Mitz nods with approval when it finally dawns on you to breathe. Taking a few more breaths of the surprisingly-cool air, you give your instructor a thumb’s up–say, this stuff ain’t bad!

“Congrats–that was the tricky part.” She concludes as a wry grin forms on her face! “If you lose hold of the rebreather you can just follow the hose near your shoulder.” Gently placing a hand on the tube next to your right shoulder, she runs her fingers all the way back to the mouthpiece. “Any questions so far?” Mitz whispers as she stares intently into your eyes.

Well…

ROLL ME 1d100 FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER. I’LL TAKE THE BEST OF 3 ROLLS!

Rolled 64 (1d100)

>>5253047
The fuck you doing, Bones? Are we rolling to see if Art dies off screen?

Rolled 28 (1d100)

>>5253047
Critcritcritcrit

>>5253054
I keked.

Hate to call it here, but it's getting a little late on my end so I'll pick this up TUESDAY AROUND 5-6PM PST! Hope to see you then!

>>5253054
: ^)

Rolled 65 (1d100)

>>5253047

>>5253054
>>5253059
>>5253170
>HIGHEST ROLL: 65!

Art lives... for now... Writing!

File: mine.png (231 KB, 750x422)

231 KB PNG

You’re just about to ask your instructor where the harpoon gun goes when you hear Sybil shout from above! Before you can react, the boat veers to the left, sending you, Mitz, and all of the neatly-organized SCUBA gear flying into the wall! Peeling yourself off, you barely manage to rise to all-fours as your vessel continues its wild back and forth dance!

“Alright,” groans Mitzi as she stumbles to her shaky feet, “The driving raccoon ain’t funny anymore.” She can say that again! As the two of you scramble up the stairs, Syb’s shouting becomes much clearer!

“LEFT!” The Goth Screams, sending the ship and everyone on it lurching to the right! “NOW RIGHT!”

Bursting into the cockpit, you’re treated to a scene of complete and utter chaos–having abandoned the helm, Lil’ Stanley’s trembling form clings to dear life on the back of Talbot’s head as he spins the wheel back and forth like a madman! The ship’s erratic movement adds violent wakes to the already-turbulent waves around you, and just when you’re about to wrestle your ex-bodyguard away from the helm, you finally spot what he’s trying to avoid!

“Holy cow, Stan–” Ly shrieks as your vessel dodges a dark shape beneath the waves, “We got SEA MINES!”

Is he serious right now? You snap as you cling for dear life to the door frame! Now we’ve gotta deal with friggin’ SEA MIMES too!?

“MINES, STAN!” Shouts Talbot as the vessel barely scrapes past one of the countless metal sea urchins bobbing to the surface, “They’re friggin’ MINES!”
Wow, alright–it was an honest mistake, no need to take my head off-

Whipping the boat around another explosive, Talbot’s batshit driving sends you all hurtling to the side once more! Hey Captain Crazypants– ever consider STOPPING THE DAMN BOAT!?

“YEA!” The janitor fires back as he takes the ship over another rough wave, “AND THEN I REMEMBERED WE’RE IN A FRIGGIN’ MINE FIELD! DUUUUR!”

“SO WHAT, WE’RE JUST GONNA KEEP CHARGING THROUGH!?” Shouts Mitz as Sybil continues to bark directions from above!

“UNTIL SOMEONE HAS A BETTER IDEA, YEA!” Talbot roars! “I’M ONLY DRIVING BECAUSE THIS PUNK GAVE UP!” He adds, jabbing a thumb at the raccoon clinging to his back! “QUITTER!”

Squinting past the, well, minefield of obstacles bobbing ahead, you can almost make out a clear spot but getting there might not be that easy if this moron keeps charging through like a coked-out rhino! Being the HEAD HONCHO, you take charge and decide to:

>KEEP RUSHING THROUGH–YOU AND THE OTHERS CAN BLAST A PATH!
>STOP THE DAMN BOAT FOR A SEC–GOTTA CLEAR A SAFE SPOT FIRST!
>BOATS CAN REVERSE, RIGHT? LET’S JUST BACK OUTTA THIS DAMN THING!
>WRITE-IN!

>>5254367
>>STOP THE DAMN BOAT FOR A SEC–GOTTA CLEAR A SAFE SPOT FIRST!

This is where that handy Baccuum comes in handy...

>>5254367
>STOP THE DAMN BOAT FOR A SEC–GOTTA CLEAR A SAFE SPOT FIRST!

>>5254392
>>5254441
>STOP THE DAMN BOAT!

Bit early, I know, but gonna end tonight on a roll again--been busy ever since I got home and it's catching up to me.

ROLL ME 1d100+5 TO CLEAR A SPOT IN THE MINES! I'LL TAKE THE BEST OF 3 ROLLS!

While you do that, I've got another question or two for ya:

QUESTION 1: WHAT WILL YOU USE TO TAKE THE MINES OUT?
>BACKUUM
>SCOPED RIFLE
>ROCKET LAUNCHER
>EYE LASER
>PUMP SHOTGUN
>REMOTE-CONTROLLED DUUUUUCK
>WRITE-IN!

YOUR PALS WILL PROVIDE SUPPORT AS WELL, BUT IS THERE ANYTHING IN PARTICULAR THEY SHOULD USE?
>MITZI: SMG? SCIENCE GUN?
>TALBOT: REVOLVER? TENTACLES? EYE LASER?
>SYB: ARCANE BOLT? FIREBALL? ARCTIC BLAST?
>LIL' STANLEY: .... yea, nevermind.

Update will be written WEDNESDAY AROUND 5-6PM PST. Sorry again about the sporadic posts tonight--gonna have a chill schedule again some day...

Rolled 75 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>5254560
>BACKUUM
>TALBOT: REVOLVER? TENTACLES? EYE LASER?

Tentacles. We're not looking to explode anything.

Rolled 74 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>5254560
>>5254564 +1

>>5254685
Whoops, looks like I should have said >>5254564
-1

Rolled 69 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>5254560
>>5254564 +1

Rolled 66 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>5254560
>TALBOT: TENTACLES
Yeah, if he can just gently push a few of them out of the way, that'd be fine.

>>5254564
>>5254685
>>5254793
>HIGHEST ROLL: 80!

Writing!

File: minesweep.jpg (282 KB, 770x578)

282 KB JPG

Stop the damn boat, is what! Pouncing on the wheel like a cat hunting a laser pointer, you land face-first on the steering column and deftly manage to yank the throttle back to neutral! As the vessel slows to a halt, you scramble back to your feet and jab a finger in Talbot’s DUMB face! Is he TRYING to get you killed!?

“Not as hard as YOU are!” Ducking his attempt to flick your forehead, you dropkick your ex-bodyguard in the solar plexus just in time for Sybil to blink into the cockpit with a concerned look on her face!

“We’re safer now, but not safe-oh good, you’re fighting again. What a surprise.”

“Yea…” Scoffs Mitz as LIL’ STANLEY abandons Talbot and skitters out the door, “You guys mind dealing with your relationship problems AFTER we avoid getting blown up?”

“If one of those things bumps us, we’re fish food!” Snarls Talbot as he sweeps your legs with a sneaky tentacle! “And guess what’s gonna happen if we sit still in a FRIGGIN’ MINEFIELD!?”

Will he quit being a diva for a second, here!? Gnashing your teeth at the tentacle, you attempt a few kip-ups, but after only managing to hurt your tummy, you opt to climb to your feet instead. Like you were saying, you sigh, it’s not like the mines are going fast– they’re only really dangerous if you keep blasting through them like a friggin’ IDIOT!

Before you can argue further, you and the rest of the crew nearly jump through the ceiling at the sound of a low grinding noise along the port side of the boat–that’s the left, right?

“Yep! Nice job, cupcake!”

Anyways, you continue, bolstered by renewed self-confidence and the fact that you didn’t just explode, now that you’re stopped you can just, like, push the mines out of the way a bit!

“How the hell are we supposed to do that, CRAPtain?!” Asks Talbot as a frown forms on his face. “Blow on them until they leave?”

An uncomfortable silence falls over the cockpit.

A FEW MINUTES LATER…

“Alright, I’ll admit it–that was a pretty good idea!”

Right? Blowing the last lingering mine a healthy distance away from the boat with your BACKUUM 1000, you exchange grins with Talbot as he shoves the last one on his side away with a tentacle!

“Yep,” the boy nods, letting the breeze tousle his red mop top hair, “Glad I thought of it!”

Like HELL he did!

>CONTD.

File: pitchforkrock.png (424 KB, 992x646)

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>>5255491
“Apologies for intruding,” Sybil intrudes as she suddenly appears at your side, “but I believe we might have another problem.” When do you NOT!?

Before The Goth can respond, Mitz appears from below deck with a raccoon on her shoulder and a fresh bag of chips in her hands–the former’s head buried in the latter! “What’s the hold up? PITCHFORK ROCK’S just over there.”

Following her gaze to the twisted tower of sharp rocks poking out of the sea, you can’t help but frown as you notice several more mines bobbing between your vessel and your destination. THERE’S her answer, you snap, jabbing a thumb at the explosives.

“About that…” Sighs Sybil, massaging the bridge of her nose at the sudden interruption, “I’m picking up some LIFE below us.”

Wait, what!? You thought SEA BITCH was further out! This thread’s gonna be over in no time!

“Unless it’s that stupid DEMON again.” Talbot grunts, cracking his knuckles menacingly! “Guess it’s time for Round 2, huh?”

“The life signs are too small to be either of them.” Sybil replies, shaking her purple highlighted-head. Mitz cocks her head to the side in confusion.

“Wait a sec–life signs?”

“Indeed…” Sybil frowns as she stares at the murky expanse below your vessel. “Twenty, at least. Too big to be fish.”

Sensing danger, Talbot leaps into action and unceremoniously prods you towards the edge of the boat. “The hell are you waiting for, Stan? Cloak up an’ kick their asses!”

Hey, watch the goods, you snarl, smacking his hand away from your back! Who even cares who’s down there? You’re gonna leave in, like, two seconds!

“Which route are we taking, again?” Mitz asks as she scans the water around you. “Is it the one with the mines, or the one with the mines?”

Neither, GENIUS!

>CONTD.

File: deepsea.jpg (85 KB, 1447x900)

85 KB JPG

>>5255496
Shoving your hand into Lil’ Stanley’s chip back, it endures the bites it receives and emerges to deposit a mouthful of chips into your open mouth! Mmm, sour cream! Anywaysh, you continue mid-crunch, if you keep doing the STANLEY MANEUVER, you c-

“What the HELL is the STANLEY MANEUVER?” Sneers Talbot. Why, the maneuver you just came up with to clear the mines outta the way, DUUUR! Sticking your tongue out at your fellow janitor, you continue your explanation after snagging another handful of chips.

Onche yrr clrgh drgh mnghs, you chew, yrl-gulp-you’ll have a straight shot to that stupid landmark! Who cares if there’s, like, starfish underneath you, or whatever?

“What if they’re scouts, though?” Mitzi counters, holding the chip bag with two hands as your pet climbs all the way in. “They could already be sending a warning to our target, right?”

“Mitzi’s right–it’s not very safe leaving our vessel here, but we can’t afford to lose the element of surprise…” Sybil adds. “And clearing the remaining mines would take time. Perhaps we’ll find our destination easier once we’re underwater.”

“Yea, but…” Talbot mutters, peering over the edge of the boat with apprehension in his eyes, “but we don’t… we don’t have to go in yet, right? Let’s do it near the rocks, you guys.”

Is he serious?! Two seconds ago he was about to dunk you into the water–now he’s chickening out!?

“I was fine with YOU going in–not, like, all of us! Yet.”

“Whatever we’re gonna do, let’s figure it out soon, yea?” Mitz groans. “By now whatever’s below us coulda’ drafted a letter.”

What’s the plan here?
>CLEAR THE MINES AND CONTINUE TO THE LANDMARK!
>DIVE AND PROCEED UNDERWATER!
>SPLIT UP! (WHO GOES WHERE?)
>WRITE-IN!

AND IF YOU VOTE TO GO UNDERWATER, WHO GOES WITH YOU AND HOW? CHOOSE 1 OR MORE! LIL’ STANLEY WILL STICK WITH THE SEA CLOAK!
>TALBOT! (FISH SPELL? SCUBA GEAR? SEA CLOAK?)
>SYBIL! (SCUBA GEAR? SEA CLOAK?)
>MITZI! (FISH SPELL? SCUBA GEAR? SEA CLOAK?)

>>5255498

>SPLIT UP! (WHO GOES WHERE?)

Talbot and Mitzi on the boat-- they can continue on to the checkpoint. Talbot will need to stay on the surface to take out the mines.

Can't take a gunner with us-- bullets only travel a few meters underwater before slowing to a stop, so we'll take Sybil, who can freeze/burn/whatever's coming at us. She can also probably make good use of the sea cloak since she can use Light Telekinesis to make herself float (she can't be *that* heavy, can she?)

Leaving this open til' THURSDAY AROUND THE USUAL 4-5PM PST! Bit of a choice, I know, so no rush! See you then!

>>5255658
Yep, Syb's pretty light even above water, so she can certainly use the SEA CLOAK that way as long as you're cool with Stan using SCUBA gear or something.

>>5255498
>>5255658 +1

>>5255658
Yeah, this is some solid logic. I’ll back it.

>>5255658
support

>>5255658
>>5255836
>>5256287
>>5256357
>TALBOT AND MITZ: BOAT BROS!
>SYB AND THE STANS: UNDERSEA ADVENTURE!

Writing!

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“Careful now, Stanley.”

Blub.

Wrapped in your SEA CLOAK, The Goth leads you through a forest of coral and explosive ordnance while your pet watches wide-eyed from the gossamer garment’s folds. It took you a few minutes to get the hang of it, but after floundering and slapping the surface for a few embarrassing minutes, you finally managed to make your way down to your pal!

… all the way down. MAN, it’s deep!

“Still don’t get why we didn’t put a wetsuit on, though…” Remarks your skeleton as he floats alongside you. You’d be happy to tell him if you didn’t have a damn AIR TUBE stuffed in your mouth!

“Aha! Take a look at this!”

Motioning you over, Sybil gently grabs your floating form and angles your face towards the sea floor–yep, those are some cool sea cucumbers…

“The TRACKS, Stan.”

Oh, THOSE! Blinking from behind your mask a few times for good measure, you recognize what she’s talking about almost immediately–embedded along the ‘path’ you both found are several pairs of what appear to be some kind of boots–military, from the looks of things.

“Military, I believe.” Sybil remarks as Lil’ Stanley dares to dip her paw through the bubble surrounding them and into the water! That’s what you sa-errr, what you WOULD have said!

Before you can investigate further, the three of you instinctively freeze up at the sound of a motor overhead–until you remember what it belongs to.

“I hope they don’t run into any trouble…” Sybil remarks as far above you an object the size of a thread of yarn pushes mines out of the way of the boat. “The mines might just be the start of our problems…”

“What da’ heck are we even lookin’ for here, anywho?” Ly asks as the tiny boat disappears into the distance above, “Some kinda sealab or somethin’?”

“Hard to say… without guidance from the other teams we’re flying blind. If I had to guess, however, I believe we should be looking for a large ruin of some sort.”

Yea, you blub, and wasn’t there supposed to be some kind of TOTEM?

“Sorry, Stanley–can’t quite understand.” The Goth interjects, pulling Lil’ Stanley back into the cloak as she nearly leaps into the water. Just forget it, Syb–at least YOU can hear you!

“Huh?”

SHHHH!

>CONTD.

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>>5256624
Aside from a few pushy groupers, the swim goes, well, swimmingly even after you and Syb leave the minefield. Following the tracks down through a kelp forest, your trek is put on hold when the sandy footsteps disappear upon reaching a rocky path!

“Drat.” Sybil hisses, her sour face causing a nearby pufferfish to dart away in fear, “And they’re SO close, too!”

“Any idea on who ‘they’ are?” Ask your bones as he hovers next to your pal. “You said there were a few, yea?”

“Oh, there most certainly are…” Sybil nods as she peers down the path leading into darker waters. “It’s a peculiar place for an outpost of this size, but when have these morons done anything by the books?”

Not willing to gulp seawater again, you settle for sending a series of intricate hand gestures to the ground, the path ahead, and The Goth.

“Yes, Stanley–I’m sure we’ll track them down if we continue along this path.”

You’d BETTER! It’s chilly as hell down here!

“What was that?”

GodDAMN IT!

With nothing but Syb’s vague sense and a general direction to guide you, your expedition takes you deeper into the water and eventually takes you to…

>A SERIES OF SEA CAVES–DARK AS HECK, BUT AT LEAST YOU HAVE FLASHLIGHTS!
>A VAST, UNDERSEA CANYON DOTTED WITH SEVERAL HOLES AND CREVASSES TO HIDE IN!
>A TWISTED BOG OF KELP, CORAL, AND POOLS OF SLUDGE–WHAT THE HECK IS THAT STUFF, ANYWAYS?
>THE REMAINS OF SOME KIND OF ALGAE-CAKED MASONRY–SOMETHING USED TO BE HERE ONCE UPON A TIME!
>WRITE-IN!

>>5256627
>THE REMAINS OF SOME KIND OF ALGAE-CAKED MASONRY–SOMETHING USED TO BE HERE ONCE UPON A TIME!

>>5256627
>THE REMAINS OF SOME KIND OF ALGAE-CAKED MASONRY–SOMETHING USED TO BE HERE ONCE UPON A TIME!

Gonna pick this back up FRIDAY AROUND 4-5PM PST--hope to grind out a few more updates then! Happy Almost Friday!

>>5256627
>THE REMAINS OF SOME KIND OF ALGAE-CAKED MASONRY–SOMETHING USED TO BE HERE ONCE UPON A TIME!

>>5256653
>>5256951
>>5257059
>ALGAE CAKESSSS

Writing!

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Drifting behind your pale-faced friend, you can't help but marvel at the kelp towering overhead! Trees!? UNDERWATER!? You never woulda' believed it.

"Look, Stan!" Interrupts Syb as the two of you emerge into what passes for a clearing underwater, "Up on that promontory!"

What's that about a phlebotomy?

"Too late, kid."

Ly's right--you barely have time to blub a response before your pal scampers off like a sugared-out kid at a theme park! Paddling after her, her destination gradually emerges from the undersea muck as you get closer: a collection of stone spires jutting out of a plateau--each one draped with thick algae where a rainbow of fish graze. Not bound to hills and paths, you manage to keep pace with the girl despite your buoyancy differences, and by the time you reconvene at the foot of the hill leading into the ruins, Sybil's already worked up a sweat.

"Stan..." She pants with a wild look in her saucer-sized eyes, "T-tell me I'm not dreaming, please!"

Blub.

"Think dat's an affirmative, teach." Ly guesses as The Goth skips up the hill. "Teach?"

"Just look at it all, Ly!" She chirps, darting to and fro among the piles of smooth, dark masonry like a squirrel raiding a spilled bird feeder, "The craftsmanship--the CONDITION! Completely different from those in the Mermaid Tunnels, and..."

Good, you blub as Sybil continues her rant, the less you see of those creeps the BETTER. Ignoring the pleading look Lil' Stanley gives you from the folds in the babbling bibliophile's cloak, you instead opt to get the most out of your SCUBA gear and take a look around of your own.

"So uh," Ly remarks as you peer into the remains of a room covered in immaculately-carved geometric shapes, "I'm guessin' dis' ain't where dose' sources of life were?"

"Regrettably not..." Mutters Syb as she methodically stuffs a handful of sludge-covered doodads into her sweater pocket next to the increasingly-flustered raccoon. "Aside from the local wildlife that's settled in, I don't detect anything resembling the owners of our mysterious footprints..." Pausing her hoarding for a brief moment, The Goth looks your way with bulging eyes. "This, though... this place is living proof that someone was here--not NOW, of course, but, well... j-just LOOK!"

Blinking into existence inches from your nose, you nearly spit your rebreather out as the girl stuffs two shaking handfuls of WEIRD ANCIENT CRAP into your arms!

"Fill your pockets, Stanley--once this all blows over I'll have made the discovery of the CENTURY!" Grinning at you with twitching eyelids, Sybil blinks away with a maddened giggle and resumes her treasure hunt as Lil' Stanley holds on for dear life!

"Huh." Remark your bones as you both watch your pal's downward spiral with interest, "You think she'da lost her mind at da' MUSEUM, too?"

You shrug. If you had a nickel for every time Syb tiptoed along the deep end, you wouldn't be mopping BONE DUST!

>CONTD.

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>>5257601
With your pal clearly preoccupied, you continue to search the room from before as Ly emerges from your body in his ASTRAL FORM!

"I'll keep a lookout. Try not ta' set off a trap or somethin'."

TRAP. Bah! Waving him off as you swim deeper into one of the surviving structures, your face becomes intimately acquainted with a polished stone wall before you can correct your trajectory. OW! Rubbing your masked nose, you paddle back a little bit to get a closer look at what you discovered: dominating the room like a wide, rectangular obelisk, your discovery is surprisingly light on barnacles and algae--so much so that you can almost see your reflection in its polished surface.

Huh... these are ruins, right? Where are all the, like, murals and wall art and crap? Giving the monolith a good flick, you recoil a bit when a small, translucent eel darts out from a hole at its base! Leaving you with a cautionary hiss, the sea critter makes for greener, or in this case bluer, pastures as you stoop lower to examine its nest.

Roughly as wide as a tall can is, well, tall, the recess houses two small, circular holes on each side--almost as if it were…

"A battery slot."

GAH! Flailing at the sudden voice, you turn to find the grime-covered husk of your BFF Sybil standing behind you like a disheveled scarecrow. "Excellent find, Stanley--t-there's bound to be a power source somewhere..."

"Nothin' below..." Ly announces as he drifts through the rock below you. "You uh, you okay, teach?"

"NEVER BETTER." She snaps as she shoves a few messy bangs out of her face. "Just... just overwhelmed... just overwhelmed..." As you watch Syb trace the bottom of the monolith to a series of snaking rectangular patterns on the muck-covered floor, you lock eyes with Lil' Stanley as she gives you the animal-equivalent gesture meaning 'oh no she AIN'T!'

"There's a clue here, Stanley, and we're going to find it." Sybil mutters as she idly taps her EYEBROW PIERCING CAMERA. "Eye sharp, now--this could lead us straight to ATLANTIS. Eyes sharp."

Trotting off with a few more 'eyes sharp' under her breath, Sybil makes her way over to another structure just across the way. yep, you blub, that's our Syb!

"Stan..." Ly murmurs as you poke at the monolith more, "Where'd all da' fish go?"
ROLL 1d100+5 FOR REASONS! I'LL TAKE THE BEST OF 3 ROLLS!

Rolled 88 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>5257602
first

Rolled 58 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>5257602

Rolled 71 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>5257602

>>5257606
>>5257612
>>5257619
>HIGHEST ROLL: 93!

Speedy little spuds today, ain'cha? Excellent! Writing!

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Uh-UH, you blub, not THIS time! Whirling around as best you can in SCUBA gear, you extend your claws a few inches away from the face of a VERY insulted-looking grouper! Oh… errr, ‘sorry’...

Swimming away with disdain plastered on its massive face, one fish still doesn’t make a bunch! Ly’s right, too–you scarcely spent a minute looking at the monolith before everyone left! Exiting the dilapidated room, you peer around the corners for anything resembling a sea critter, but the search proves fruitless!

“Dat’s not good…” Your skeleton remarks before floating over to Syb’s last haunt. “Hey, Teach–you seein’ dis’?”

“AbsoLUTELY.” She responds as she digs through a pile of rubble like a dog! “Keep it up, you two! Mhm! Good Stan!”

… alright, normally you love when she gives you praise, but this seems funky. Paddling over to her, your approach is harried by a shower of debris as she continues her impromptu archaeology expedition! Ducking and diving through a hail of dirt, peculiar gizmos, scrap metal, and the occasional detritivore, you notice something mid-dodge that puts your growing irritation on hold!

Atop one of the outpost’s central spires sits a RECTANGULAR DOODAD– one that would probably fit into that eel den you tracked down! Now if only there was a way to reach it…
… oh. Right. You’re just about to go and fetch it when another piece of debris just barely misses your head from Syb’s tra-err, RELIC pile!

Oops, sorry–meant to say it barely HITS your head. It HITS you. Ow! Rubbing your now-sore skull, you track your aggressor as it tumbles through the water and into a crack in the rocks!

“STAN!” Ly shouts, ghostly form diving towards you like a ghastly puffin, “I just saw somethin’ fall into da’ rocks! Somethin’ BIG!”

Ya don’t say…

… is what you’d like to say! This SCUBA thing is tricky, man! Doesn’t help that Mitz only taught you a few risque-looking ‘emergency hand-gestures’! Responding instead with an impatient growl, Ly seems to get the hint and follows the BIG THING in question down below!

“Get a load’a DIS’!” He reports as Sybil continues to mumble vague notes to herself a few feet away from you, “It’s a CHEST, Stan!”

Now it’s YOUR turn to get a little excited–a ch-ch-ch-CHEST, you say? F-for TREASURE?!

“Stanley–come help me dig!” Sybil commands from a growing mound of dirt! “Chop-chop! Hurry, now!”

Oof… on one hand, TREASURE. On the other, Syb’s totally gonna get annoyed if you don’t help her out–she’s definitely in one of her moods.

Oh, and there’s that WHATZIT on the spire above, too–might be a good idea to snatch that up.

… where did those fish go, though?

>CONTD.

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>>5257660
WHAT DO YOU GRAB FIRST?

>THE CHEST! TREASURE!
>THE GIZMO ATOP THE SPIRE!
>HELP SYB DIG BEFORE SHE GETS NASTY!
>WRITE-IN!

>>5257664
>>THE CHEST! TREASURE!

>>5257664
>THE CHEST! TREASURE!
I feel like whatever we get out of it will make Syb happy enough that she'll overlook our wandering.

>>5257664
>THE CHEST! TREASURE!

>>5257664
>THE CHEST! TREASURE!

>>5257664
>THE GIZMO ATOP THE SPIRE!

>>5257670
>>5257903
>>5257927
>>5257930
>TREASURE HUNT!

>>5258032
>OOH, GIZMO!

Sorry, all--passed out last night and forgot to do that annoying check-in thing I always do! Writing!

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Normally you know better than to ignore Syb when she’s in GEEK MODE, but hey–if you find some TREASURE you can just buy a NEW Syb, right? Maybe a less-bossy one that’s less attractive than you! Err, not that the current one is, of course!

Pretending you didn’t hear her, you pop your BONE CLAWS and get to levering the box out of the crack. For anyone else it’d be slow-going, but you’re a seasoned alumni of the SCHOOL OF GETTING LOOSE CHANGE OUT OF VENTS AND CRACKS AT WORK!

… when the hell is your building gonna spring for those card-operated laundry machines, anyways?

As the chest wrenches free of its coraly prison, it dawns on you again that none of that shit matters anymore–once this is all over you can probably BUY someone to wash your clothes! Now THAT’S rich!

If Syb notices your tardiness, she doesn’t show it. Muttering in her hole a few feet away, The Goth doesn’t react as you stick a claw into the chest’s locking mechanism.

“Say…” Ly remarks, swooping over to you with suspiciously-good timing, “Dat’ kinda looks like da’ chest Talbot found when he fell off dat’ cliff, don’t it?”

Now that he mentions it, it does! Doesn’t matter, though–this shit’s YOURS! Responding to your bones with a feral snarl, you pop open the chest to get a good glimpse of your findings!


… Hm.

“Well?” Ly asks, leaning in for a closer look. What is he, blind? The first thing you notice is something wrapped in a bundle of a dark, netted mesh of some kind–one that seems to keep the water around you from seeping in. Next to it sits a small JAR of some sort, but the eerie green glass and the bizarre fleshy flakes stacked inside don’t remind you of anything you’ve ever seen on a convenience store shelf.

Must be some foreign snack, or something.

Nestled between the wrapped-up item and the jar, however, are a few GOOEY ORBS– each glowing with a faint blue aura! Scooping one up with your claw, you notice a small, disc-shaped object floating in the middle–its surface fizzing with faint static electricity!

For a moment you consider taking a bite, but you’ve learned that lesson far too many times messing with the electrical panels at work–not this time!

“You gonna unwrap dat’ package in there, or what?” Ly asks, shaking you from your thoughts. Nodding impatiently, you pull the mesh open to reveal…

…Seriously?

INVENTORY PASTEBIN UPDATED!
>CONTD.

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>>5258578
“Talk about convenient, ey?” Remarks your skeleton as you hold up another SEA CLOAK. Sure, you shrug, but what’s the deal here? Are these things mass-produced or something?

“Can’t hear ya, cupcake.” Ly interjects as he pokes a spectral finger at the garment. “Say, why don’t ya’ put dat’ on an-”

HOLD THAT THOUGHT!

Feeling something whip through the water behind you, you duck to the side just in time to avoid a long, razor-sharp spear whizzing past your cheek! Embedding itself into the rock, the spear’s tip crackles with electricity before a hair-thin wire yanks it back from where it came from!

“Oops! Let’s call that one a warning toss, ‘kay?”

Oh HELL no. Snatching the SECOND SEA CLOAK from the container, you wrap it around you as fast as you can as you turn to face your assailant!

… oops, make that assailantS.

“Well, well, well, look what the catfish dragged in! You’re looking healthy, Stanley!”

Spread out in a triangle formation in the water above you floats a pack of MERMAIDS– each carrying one of those nasty STORM STAVES and a manic grin hidden behind those stupid helmets they like to wear.

“Awww cripes...” Ly groans as you rip your rebreather out of your mouth. What the hell are these jerks doing here anyways? Didn’t you warcrime the heck outta’ their town?

“Yep! THE DEEP MOTHER was real sore about it!” Explains the leader with a giggle! “And when she heard you were heading for THE FORBIDDEN ZONE, she got really mad! Now you’ve gotta go back to the PRISON! Mom’s orders!”

Spinning her staff menacingly, the leader points the crackling tip in your direction and winks! “You escaped before, but no one eludes me for long! I’ve got the nose of a dogfish!”

Adopting a fighting stance, you can’t help but falter a bit as a distressing thought comes to mind–you, uh, you’re erm.. You’re not RACIST or anything, but uh… who was she again? They all look the same to you. Not in, like, a RACIST way, though! You had a mermaid friend once!

She tried to eat you and you didn’t want to be her friend, but-

“Kee hee HEE! Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten already!” Replies the ringleader amidst a chorus of giggles from her pals, “It’s me, Stan–your old friend GUPPY! I led you to FLOTSAM before you destroyed it, remember?”

Ah. This bitch...

>CONTD.

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>>5258580
“Yep, THE DEEP MOTHER wasn’t impressed with how I handled things.” The mermaid shrugs. “But she won’t give us our punishment until I take you in, so~”

Guppy eagerly clicks her serrated teeth. “Don’t make a fuss, okay? We’ve been waiting a LONG time for that tasty, tasty pain!”

Nodding in excited unison, the mermaids are just about to strike when a cluster of MAGICAL BOLTS scatter their ranks! Turning towards their origin as the mermaids disperse among the ruins, you share a confused glance with a much more composed-looking Syb!

“What?” She asks, readying another spell. “Just because I’m excited doesn’t mean I’m oblivious!”

Right… well if these idiots want pain so much, you’re happy to dish some out! As Lil’ Stanley snarls at the ruins around you, the two of you prepare to ambush your ambushers… but how?
https://youtu.be/Pd8gwYJA6Y4
>DRAW THEM IN WITH YOUR BACKUUM!
>COORDINATE WITH LY AND BLAST ‘EM WITH YOUR EYE LASERS!
>KICK UP SOME DIRT AND CARVE ‘EM UP IN THE CONFUSION!
>CHUCK ONE OF THOSE GOOEY THINGS YOU FOUND IN THE CHEST AT SOMEONE!
>WAIT FOR THEM TO COME TO YOU, THEN COUNTER!
>WRITE-IN!

AND WHAT ABOUT SYB?
>FLUSH ‘EM OUT WITH ARCANE BOLTS!
>PUT THEM ON ICE WITH AN ARCTIC BLAST–LY CAN POINT ‘EM OUT!
>HASTEN STAN–SHE CAN USE IT BETTER!
>CHARGE IN WITH YOUR RADIANT BLADE!
>WRITE-IN!

LIL’ STANLEY!
>HISS AT THE MERMAIDS!
>SCRATCH YOURSELF!
>BITE SYBIL TO ASSERT DOMINANCE!
>TRY TO FIND SOME FOOD!
>WRITE-IN!

>>5258582
>>DRAW THEM IN WITH YOUR BACKUUM!
>PUT THEM ON ICE WITH AN ARCTIC BLAST–LY CAN POINT ‘EM OUT!
>HISS AT THE MERMAIDS!

>>5258582
>DRAW THEM IN WITH YOUR BACKUUM!
>PUT THEM ON ICE WITH AN ARCTIC BLAST–LY CAN POINT ‘EM OUT!
>SCRATCH YOURSELF!

>>5258582
>DRAW THEM IN WITH YOUR BACKUUM!
>PUT THEM ON ICE WITH AN ARCTIC BLAST–LY CAN POINT ‘EM OUT!
>HISS AT THE MERMAIDS!

>>5258582
>CHUCK ONE OF THOSE GOOEY THINGS YOU FOUND IN THE CHEST AT SOMEONE!

>PUT THEM ON ICE WITH AN ARCTIC BLAST–LY CAN POINT ‘EM OUT!

>EQUIP STAN'S NEW SEA CLOAK AND BECOME AN UNDERWATER COMBAT SUPER RACCOON

>>5258635
>>5258582

>>EQUIP STAN'S NEW SEA CLOAK AND BECOME AN UNDERWATER COMBAT SUPER RACCOON

Changing the raccoon part of my vote to this!

>>5258635
>>5258644
>>5258672
>>5258679
>>5258690
>STAN: DRAW EM' IN WITH YOUR BACKUUM!
>SYB: ARCTIC BLAST!
>LIL' STANLEY: FUCK YES THIS IS WHY I LOVE WRITE-INS!

Time for a few rolls! You'll be getting some BONEUSES too, so no sweat!

ROLL ME 3d100--ONE FOR STAN (+10 FOR SEA LEGS AND BUNNY SUIT), ONE FOR SYB (+5 DUE TO LY'S GUIDANCE), AND ONE FOR LIL' STANLEY (SHE TOTALLY SUCCEEDS WITH THE CLOAK THING--JUST ROLLING HERE FOR ATTACKS).

I'LL TAKE THE BEST OF 3 ROLLS! If you have any specific attack or strat in mind for everyone's favorite raccoon... LIL' Stanley, in case you got confused, write 'er in!

Rolled 79 (1d100)

>>5258783

Rolled 8, 34 = 42 (2d100)

>>5258783

These are for Syb and Lil' Stanley.

Rolled 19, 94, 44 = 157 (3d100)

>>5258783
The only thing they shall feed are the lampreys.

Rolled 55, 16, 49 = 120 (3d100)

>>5258783

>>5258811
>>5258816
>>5258863
>>5258868
>HIGHEST ROLLS:
>STAN: 89 TOTAL!
>SYBIL: 99!
>LIL' STANLEY: 49.... BUT IT WAS A GREAT WRITE-IN SO LET'S BUMP THAT UP TO A SUCCESS, SHALL WE?

Writing! Playing games with pals in a little bit so this might be the last update of the evening--we'll see how things go!

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Turning towards Syb, you use your newly-recovered voice to give her some instructions for once: COOL THEM DOWN A LITTLE BIT, SYB!

“... What?”

PUT ‘EM ON ICE!

“Errm, sorry?” She asks, looking at you with utter confusion. “We’re being attacked, Stan-”

Sure enough, a salvo of STORM STAFF hurtles through the water around you–you and Syb just barely managing to dodge them! Before you can be a bit more specific, a familiar fuzzball scrambles out from Syb’s SEA CLOAK snarling like a rabid beast!

… which, y’know, she might just be. It’s not like you took her to a vet or anything…

Tearing through the water like a furry missile, shock and awe freezes you in place as Lil’ Stanley uses her momentum to grab your new SEA CLOAK in her jaws! What the hell, man!? You just got the ability to talk back!

“Stan!” Sybil hisses as she fires a few ARCANE BOLTS around the buildings, “Were you telling me to FREEZE them?!”

Watching your pet scurry angrily away with your cloak wrapped around her, you barely manage to yelp out an affirmative before you feel seawater rush to fill your mouth! Stuffing the rebreather back in, you take a few frantic breaths as you dodge another STORM STAFF to the face!

“Gee, Gupp, what do we do about her friend?” Asks one of your assailants as she darts between the ruins!

“Mother didn’t say~let’s eat her!” Replies another in a singsong voice!

“She wants Stanley alive!” Guppy commands as she swoops in to swipe at you from behind! “She oughta’ stop fighting if we break her legs–humans HATE that!”

Another mermaid dives for your leg as you struggle to don your BACKUUM 1000 underwater! “Golly, Guppy–you sure are smart! I wanna try!”

Swiping at your attacker, you growl behind your rebreather as the target easily dodges your attack! “Too slow, huuuumaaaan~” Jeering like a kid at a playground, the mermaid barely ducks behind some debris before a low, menacing growl rings out throughout the water!

“OoOoOh… what are YOU?”

Hatred incarnate… and your PET!

>CONTD.

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>>5259025
Since your mouth is stuffed with a rebreather, the poor mermaid’s answer comes in the form of a whirling dervish of claws and teeth! Giggling with sick enjoyment, the mermaid’s laughs become more hollow as the water behind the debris fills with clouds of fresh blood!

“Look out, girls! We aren’t allowed to die yet!” Barks Guppy as she leads her team away from your pet’s handiwork!

“Luuuckyyy!” Groaning with jealousy, one of the stragglers doesn’t evade fast enough and is tackled by the rampaging beast! As the others watch with unhealthy interest, Sybil takes a chance and sends a stream of solid ice ripping through the water! Darting out of the way like, well, fish, the mermaids probably woulda’ gotten away had you not brought a certain BANNED CLEANING PRODUCT into the fray!

Roaring to life like a demon from hell, your BACKUUM immediately gets to work sucking up the water around you! It does such a good job, in fact, that despite their evolutionary advantages, the group of mermaids are yanked backwards–just in time to be caught in a blanket of frost!

One mermaid strikes out–caught mid-freeze, the hunter is neatly bisected as the power of your backuum rips her lower half free from her frozen top! Slowed by chunks of ice clinging to their bodies, both Guppy and her last remaining soldier (not counting the one currently being eviscerated by the feral raccoon, of course) give each other a knowing nod before darting towards a nearby kelp forest!

“They’re runnin’!” Exclaims Ly, A.K.A ‘CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!

“That was fun!” Guppy croons as she shakes the frost off in mid-swim! “You win for now, Stan, but you’d better not die in that FORBIDDEN ZONE!”

“Yea!” Adds Guppy’s associate, “Mother’s good at waiting, so we’ll be back later! BAIIIII~”

D’awww, that’s cute--they think they’re escaping! Swimming after the two, you prepare to tear these finned freaks outta’ the script… PERMANENTLY!

What do?!
>BACKUUM THEM IN AND TEAR ‘EM TO SHREDS!
>LAUNCH LIL’ STANLEY AT THEM!
>HEY SYB, DO FIREBALLS STILL WORK UNDERWATER?
>WRITE-IN!