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>>4884984
Welcome to BONES QUEST--stick around for coffee and donuts after the thread! Make sure to check out the following resources:

Archive Link to catch up with the story!
>http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive.html?tags=Bones%20quest

Twitter account for updates!
>https://twitter.com/DemBonez3

Imgur Page for quest and FAN ART!
>https://imgur.com/a/dvF3SCN

A HANDY PASTEBIN for INVENTORY, SKILLS, and MORE:
>https://pastebin.com/u/DemBonez3/1/TvtRhtJK

Rolls are handled by a 1d100--I take the BEST OF THREE ROLLS! Certain boosts and maluses will be applied based on the situation and existing skills. Describing your actions, write-ins, and GENERAL CREATIVITY are all APPRECIATED AND REWARDED--we like to keep things LIGHT and CHILL here, so come on in and have some fun!

>CONTD.

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“Well, boss? Orders?”

The ginger security guard white-knuckles the steering wheel of your suped-up SWAT VAN as he looks to you for guidance, but you don’t respond. The APC ‘wagon train’ stopped in front of you sits motionless, almost as if it’s waiting for you to make the first move.

The question is, should you?

Syb watches the vehicles with an intense look peeking out from her purple bangs--lord knows what Gus and Talbot are doing outside. Just when you’re about to tell Art to ram the pricks, you and the rest of your crew collectively hold your breath as the other van’s driver’s side window rolls down.

Your whole body vibrates and a primeval sense of ANGER courses through your body as your ears pick up the notes of a song that’s been tattooed into your memory--one that haunts you hours after you’ve stopped hearing it.

https://youtu.be/mHjH3DyKChU

A familiar blonde-haired man wearing a GOLDEN SKULL MASK, FIRETRUCK RED HEADPHONES, and a set of immaculately-kept GOOD BOY JANITOR COVERALLS grins at you from the driver’s seat.

“BUMBLEBEE!”

GodDAMN IT!

Trying and failing to block out the muffled club beats coming from the other van, you instinctively leap for the gas pedal at Art’s feet--we’ve gotta MOVE!

“Hey! HEY!” Art snags you by your collar mid-dive and wrestles you away from the driver’s seat! “BAD STAN! If we go FORWARD we’re gonna CRASH, moron!”

You DON’T CARE! Snarling like a feral dog, you wriggle out of Art’s grasp and tackle the steering column! Inadvertently honking at the convoy, you kick Art and Syb away as they try to pull you from the front of the van, flicking on the headlights and windshield wipers in the process!

“YOU GOOD, BUMBLEBEE?! I’LL SEND BEA OVER TO HELP!”

SHIT!

Despite your biting, Art manages to shove you into the back of the van where Eddie and Tucker restrain you. TRAITORS!

“Is-oof-this the Boris guy you mentioned before?” Eddie grunts, putting you into a FULL-NELSON!

“Yes,” Syb mutters, her face covered by a palm. “And no doubt that means his associates are there too. Explains why I couldn’t detect them.”

Associates. She’s probably talking about Bea, that Good Boy security mook built like a truck, and Curt, the wizard guy that Syb butted heads with. Before you can instruct your cronies to OPEN FIRE, you hear a few polite knocks on the van’s back doors.

>CONTD.

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>>4884994
“Errr… Stan?”

You relax a little bit as you hear Gus’ trademark monotone voice--that’s RIGHT! With him and Talbot you could totally wipe these bastards ou-

Before you can plan an attack, the van’s back doors are pushed open. Who the hell did that?! Sensing your ire, the crooked, humanoid form of your resident science geek Denise slinks into the van’s shadows like a spider with a fearful look behind her massive glasses. Shrugging, Gus points a finger towards the roadblock ahead.

“You gonna talk to these guys? The big guy looks like he’s about to zap ‘em or something.”

Pssh, if ONLY. You try to cross your arms, but Eddie’s still got you in a FULL NELSON. DAMN, HE’S GOOD!

“The sooner we deal with them the sooner we can leave, Stan.” Explains Mitzi, lowering her issue of WATER POLO MONTHLY to look at you. “... Would you like someone to go with you?”

You turn your head to the side and pout--MAYBE. That doesn’t mean you’re gonna enjoy it, though!

“Fantastic. Who are the lucky contestants this time?”

Your entourage looks at you expectantly as Eddie’s grip on you loosens. Guess this is how you’re gonna play it, huh?

“Don’t wanna rush you, Stan,” Art interjects as he glances your way, “but Bea’s coming this way. You know how bubbly she gets…”

Sure enough you can already hear the sound of servos buzzing and heavy footsteps approaching--must be that crazy EXOSKELETON she wears. Better choose someone NOW--you don’t wanna be dragged over to Boris alone, do you? DO YOU?!!

Who should you take with you? Choose 1-2 pals!
>ART
>SYB
>MITZI
>EDDIE
>TUCKER
>KIKI
>DENISE
>TALBOT
>GUS
>SCREW IT! You’ll GO ALONE!
>WRITE-IN

>>4885000
>DENISE
>TALBOT

We need to explain why both of them are with us now anyways, and it's good to know our giant skeleton friend can smoosh Boris if he becomes too much :)

>>4885000
>TALBOT
>ART
Denise is not going to be good for any kind of support here, we need Art to help explain some stuff to his coworkers.

>>4885000
>TALBOT
>GUS

>>4885000
>TALBOT
>ART

>>4885017
>>4885071
>>4885125
>>4885193

>DENISE: 1
>TALBOT: 4!
>ART: 2!
>GUS: 1

Looks like we're bringing Art and Talbot! Writing!

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Breaking free of Eddie’s LUNCHBOX HANDS, you let out a resigned sigh as you readjust your cap. Boris may be the worst thing since 9/11, but he’s easier to deal with in a group.

You barely stifle a snicker--pssh! NO he ISN’T! Jabbing a finger towards Art, you gesture for him to follow you out of the van, prompting a ‘deer in the headlights’ look from your stalwart companion who even DEATH couldn’t conquer.

“Whuh-buh-ME?”

Yes, you snarl, HIM. If you have to suffer then he’ll have to as well! It’ll be fine, though, you’ll take Talbie along for th-

“THERE YOU ARE!”

You turn around just in time to watch a pair of arms bigger than TREE TRUNKS dart towards you and wrap you in a metallic and muscly embrace!

“COME’ERE, STANNIE! NURSE BEA TO THE RESCUE!”

Clinging for dear life to the side of the van, you give one last glare to your supposed ‘friends’ sitting quietly in the van watching the spectacle unfold. This is it. THIS is what you get for being friendly!

“Hold up there, Bea!” You and your captor turn as Art gallantly strides over, the morning breeze rushing through his classic unkempt hair! “You can put her do-ERFGH!”

The not-so-gentle giant scoops your savior up as well in her other arm. “Artie too! I like the eyepatch--very roguish!”

Seeing Talbot loitering with a confused look on his obscured face, you mouth the word ‘HELP’ and gesture for him to come over! Cocking his head to the side, your new bodyguard stomps over and looms slightly above the exo-suited rent-a-cop.

“Wow,” Bea marvels as Art struggles to breathe in her grasp, “Made some new pals, huh Stannie?”

You nod as you try to squirm free while Talbot innocently watches from the sidelines. You’re gonna have to teach him some tricks once this is all over! Shrugging, Bea turns towards the other van and gestures for Big T to follow.

“Don’t worry, big guy--they won’t bite ya!”

As you and Art are carried off like sacks of flour, you spot a smug Syb waving to you both from the safety of the passenger’s seat. D’oooh, she’ll get HERS!

>CONTD.

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>>4885347
“You guys must have been busy, huh? You all look totally different from Karaoke!”

You don’t bother answering. Hanging limp from Bea’s amazonian grasp, you shoot a dirty look towards Art as he glances your way. Way to go, hero.

“Shut up...” Art hisses. As your group approaches, a handful of GOOD BOY CORPORATE SECURITY OPERATIVES raise their weapons towards Talbot, prompting him to shield his still-battered body with his arms!

“At ease, amigos--a friend of Stan’s is a friend of mine!”

Lowering their weapons at Boris’ command, the operatives go back to whatever it is they were doing before while your little group approaches the driver’s side window of the other suped-up armored van. Gently placing you and Art onto your feet, Bea takes a position next to Talbot, the latter getting Boris’ attention almost immediately!

“Well WELL!” He chuckles, removing the GOLDEN MASK from his face, “you’re just collecting ‘em now, aren’t ya, bumblebee?”

You scoff in response--people just can’t resist the STAN SQUAD.

“Hey, that’s great.” Examining Talbot closer, Boris points a finger at your bodyguard’s face. “... JANITOR?”

Talbot’s remaining eye glows in response! “JAAAAAN! JAAAAAAAN!” Chuckling at his response, Boris points at his own jumpsuit. Oh DAMN IT…

“Check it out, buddy--we’re basically brothers! I’m a janitor too, big guy!”

Extending a fist towards the gentle giant, Boris nods as Talbot raises his own. Tapping his fist against Talbot’s massive hand, Boris gives the ex-murder machine a genial smile.

“Man, Curt would love to take a look at you. Here I thought this guy was on the other team…”

Well, you grin, you just so happen to have his creator in the back of your van! Wasn’t too simple either, you se-

“Woah! ARCHIE!” Boris interrupts, tapping his eyebrow while finally noticing Art, “Lookin’ cool, man!”

“It’s uh…” Art mutters, “N-never mind. Thanks…”

You scoff--thanks, ARCHIE.

“Well!” Boris sighs, looking at you all with that SHITTY perfect smile of his, “here we are again! Workin’ hard, amigos?”

Part of you wants to escape back to the van, but you dunno--Bea might be faster than she looks…

What DO?
>We’re BUSY. What do you WANT?
>Where’s CURT?
>What have YOU guys been up to?
>Let ART drive the convo.
>RUN FOR THE VAN! YOU CAN MAKE IT!
>WRITE-IN

>>4885352
>Let ART drive the convo.
He's grown a bit, let him handle this douchenozzle.

>>4885375
this

>>4885375
>>4885396
>Let ART drive the convo!

Writing!

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Abandoning your escape plan, you decide to go with the next best thing: rather than making eye contact with Boris, you instead glance at Art expectantly, eliciting a confused look.

“WHAT?” He hisses, eyes bouncing between you and Boris. Crossing your arms and leaning against Talbot, you raise an eyebrow--isn’t he gonna answer Boris’ question?

“Guh-well I mean, er…” Art sputters, turning his attention to Boris waiting patiently in the van, “Y-yea, we are…”

“Sure sounds like it!” Boris laughs, slapping the side of the van! “Guess you guys had fun up in the woods, huh?” Art follows Boris’ finger towards the towering pillar of smoke emanating from where you assume THE LAB used to be.

“Yea, erm… I guess you can say vicTREE is ours...” As Boris politely laughs at Art’s pitiful excuse of a joke, your driver turns to you and suddenly realizes what you’ve gotten him into! Grinning amicably as he sends you a look of PURE HATE, you nudge Talbot in his side a bit and chuckle to yourself--that’s right, Art can’t escape a conversation NOW!

“So um,” Art begins, scratching the back of his head, “what have you been up to… Dude?”

“Oh boy, what HAVEN’T we been up to?” Boris gushes, leaning back in his seat. “Still tracking down stragglers, of course--just did a sweep near the coast and it’s uh… What did you say back then, Bea?”

“Deader than Disco!” Bea giggles, causing Boris to snicker as well! “That’s what it was! Yea, it’s Skel Hell down there right now, not to mention all the BEASTS roaming around…”

Art looks your way expectantly, but you don’t give him any rope. You’re totally fine hangin’ with Talbot!

“Beasts, huh? What do you mean?”

“Well Stannie here would probably know better than anyone.” Boris replies, jerking a thumb your way. “There were a bunch of animal skeletons holed up in the GOOD BOY FACTORY--now it looks like they’re on the move. Hence all the hardware.” He concludes, gesturing with his head towards the rest of the APCS. “Curt even brought a few of his ORDER pals along--they’re lurking around here somewhere… Guess they all wanted TEAM CBB to babysit ‘em! HAH!”

Art laughs politely as you contemplate what you’ve heard--looks like euthanizing KING didn’t get rid of his cronies, huh? You aren’t excited about dealing with pirates either…

>CONTD.

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>>4885590
“Oh, that reminds me, bumblebee! Remember when you talked about eating MARROW back at Karaoke?!”

You let out an irritated sigh--kinda?!

“You’re gonna love this, then--I did what you said and ate a bit after we got into a scrap--turns out you aren’t the ONLY one who feels good eating that stuff!”

You feel something snap behind your eye, causing it to twitch erratically. WHAT?!?

“Yep, took some of the glowing stuff and boom--felt like I just scored the winning touchdown! Minus the sweat and the pushy groupies at the end, that is!” Boris tries to nudge your shoulder, but you easily evade him. So what, he’s got a SUPER-POWERED MASK AND can regenerate from bone marrow now!?

“Pretty sure I told you before,” Boris shrugs, “but they already wanted some of my BLOOD in MEDICAL--pretty sure they were using it for REGENERATIVE SERUM or something or other…”

“No way!” Art exclaims, eyes wide in realization! “That’s what got me back on my feet earlier!” Sensing your glare burning into his cheek, Art clears his throat. “Errr, I mean, back in the HOSPITAL. Fixed me up like new!”

“Well then, you’re very welcome, Arch!” Boris chuckles. “Always happy to lend a hand or ear to one of Stan’s groupies!”

The other janitor looks your way and grins, causing you to snarl and look the other way! This is bad--if he gets some of that LIEUTENANT MARROW…

You shake the thought from your head (a skill you’ve perfected over the years). There’s no way he’s gonna steal credit from you THIS time!

“Hey, there’s Curt now!” Boris remarks, waving down the line of APCS at the man wearing a dark longcoat talking with some other robed figures. Seeing you and Talbot, a wry smile forms on the mage’s face as he heads your way.

“Hey Stan,” Art mutters, interrupting your observation, “wasn’t there something you were going to ask Boris? You were talking about it earlier.”

“I’m all ears, Stannie!”

You clench your fists as you stare Art in the eye. Mouthing the words ‘payback’, he gives Bea and Boris a smile as he quietly backs away a bit. That BASTARD!

“Always happy to help Stan out!” Boris explains to Bea. “She’s like a kid sister to me--no relation, obviously!”

Adding Syb and Art to your mental GET-EVEN LIST, you turn your attention to Boris, Bea, and the approaching Curt.

WHAT NEXT?
>SO great catching up--what do you guys WANT?
>Tell me more about the COAST.
>CURT! What’s the ORDER doing out here anyways?
>BEA! What’s your ROLE in all this?
>WRITE-IN

>>4885592
>SO great catching up--what do you guys WANT?

>>4885592
>WRITE-IN
"Mind lending me your mask for a second? Wanna see if something crazy happens when I put it on"

>>4885592
>SO great catching up--what do you guys WANT?

>>4885604
>>4885690
>Whaddaya WANT

>>4885663
>Lemme try your mask, man

WRITING

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You take a moment to glare at the neat GOLD SKULL MASK hanging from Boris’ fingers like a pair of $3 sunglasses--that PRICK! Part of you wants to give it a try for a moment, but you quickly reconsider--it probably only works on people with PURE EVIL in their hearts, or something. Plus you’d have to put your face where HIS face has been--that’s like an indirect kiss but WORSE! No THANK YOU!

You slap yourself a few times to help remove that unpleasant thought from your head, much to everyone else’s surprise.

“You uh… You okay, sweetheart?” Bea asks, placing a gauntlet on your shoulder as gently as she can.

“She’s fine--kid’s just wired differently from the rest of us!” Boris chuckles. “Just give her a minute while her brain catches up!”

You respond with a snarl--HE’S gonna need to catch up when… You…

Give it a minute, you have something for this!

“Well well, I knew I sensed a powerful aura…” Groaning at the interruption, you turn to face Curt Blacquiere, the third member of Boris’ merry band of FREAKS. Studying you intensely from behind his green bifocals, the mage raises a thin eyebrow your way.

“You’ve gained more power, haven’t you, Parble? That would mean another lieutenant lies defeated--very impressive indeed…”

Yes, you huff, and that’s why you were headed back to THE LODGE-- to get some well-deserved R&R after yet another tango with Death!

“Stan’s right,” Art chimes in with an apologetic look on his face, “we’ve got a lot of tired people too, so erm-”

“I get it! You’ve got places to be!” Boris grins, tapping his mask against the dashboard. “We’re headed back ourselves, actually--been a long night for us too.”

Great, you growl, so why did they stop you then? You’re about to have Talbot clear the way if they don’t-

“Easy, bumblebee! I just figured since we ran into each other we could have a little fun on the way to the endzone!

You can’t help but chuckle at that--sorry, jerk, but you’re not sleeping with anyone on the way back--ever hear of CAR SICKNESS?!

“Woah, okay! Not the intended message, Stannie! Shoulda ‘Stan-Proofed’ the words a little--my bad!” stammers Boris with an uncharacteristic look of surprise on his face! “No, we just noticed your wheels and figured we could put ‘em to the test.”

You, Art, and Talbot all blink. “... Are you challenging us to a race?” Art asks, prompting a pair of nods from Boris and Bea.

Oh BROTHER...

>CONTD.

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>>4885839
Several GOOD BOY OPERATIVES emerge from the APCS chanting the word ’RACE!’--even a few of Curt’s people get into it!

“Wait a minute,” Art interjects, raising his raspy voice above the chant, “race with what? Where?! WHY?!”

“You’ve got a van, we’ve got a van!” Giggles Bea as she slaps a massive hand on the hood of their van. “As for where…”

“THE LODGE is straight down that-a-way.” Boris explains, pointing down a road lined with burnt-out car wrecks and rubble. “Curt’s boys will lay a visible path, all you gotta do is follow it. Before we do, that is. Two racers, one winner!”

You raise an eyebrow Curt’s way. He actually supports this? The mage adjusts his bifocals and smiles.

“Consider it an experiment of sorts. Besides, there’s much to be gained from this activity…”

You frown--the hell’s that supposed to mean?

“Exactly what it sounds like!” Boris laughs! “I know bragging rights don’t mean a thing to you--you need something CONCRETE, right? So let’s make things interesting.”

You feel something lurch in your chest as he says that word. Interesting HOW?

“A bet, of course!” Answers Boris as the other two nod in agreement! “Your team wins, you get a prize! Our team wins, well…”

“WE get a prize!” Bea interrupts. “And we’ve got something you’ll really get a kick out of, Stannie!”

Snapping his fingers, Curt folds his hands behind his back as two of his fellow ORDER members levitate a crate out from an APC and over to you! Placing it in front of Talbot, you and Art peek in to investigate and nearly FALL OVER!

Inside the crate is a cornucopia of booze! Scotch! Rum! Bourbon! Vodka! Flavored Liquor! You can barely keep the drool inside of your mouth!

“YYou can have these--all FIVE CRATES of em!” Boris smirks. “... If you WIN, of course.”

“And what if we don’t win?” Art asks, killing the mood again. “If you lose, you’re footing the bill for breakfast!” Bea explains with a wink! “And I could eat a truckload of waffles today!”

“You’ll also agree to a few tests, Ms. Parble.” Curt adds. “Nothing painful, of course, but my organization could learn much from your… Quirks.”

“There ya’ have it!” Boris chuckles, throwing his hands in the air! “Sounds like you’re getting the better end of the deal, huh?”

You look to Art who gives you a shrug. Talbot’s not gonna chime in and Ly’s probably still passed out, so it looks like this decision’s on you. As usual!

What say you?
>NOPE! We’re in a HURRY!
>Sounds GREAT! Let’s RACE!
>Lemme TALK with my TEAM FIRST.
>I want to CHANGE the BET (WRITE-IN)
>WRITE-IN

>>4885840
>Sounds GREAT! Let’s RACE!
The booze will help us fulfill part of our sidequest for the greasers + gives us a chance to screw over Boris

If they don't lay hard ground rules we'll just cheat, ez.

Gonna check back in on WEDNESDAY around 12-1PM PST--getting a little tired and I gotta wake up earlyish tomorrow. Keep those votes coming and thanks for playing/reading! Hope to see you next time!

>>4885840
>Sounds GREAT! Let’s RACE!
I have a foolproof plan thats sure to work, it involves lots of skill and effort and hard wo- HAHAHAHA.
Nah lets cheat

>>4885840
>Lemme TALK with my TEAM FIRST.

>>4885840
>Lemme TALK with my TEAM FIRST.

>>4885840
>>4885881
Changing my vote
>Lemme TALK with my TEAM FIRST.
Lets pray that the trio left some sick ass nitrous boost somewhere in this bitch

Hey folks, update will be a bit delayed today due to errands and such. Should have something for you before the end of the day, though! Thanks for your patience!

>>4885845
>Let's RACE!

>>4885979
>>4885983
>>4885996
>Hold on, gotta talk to the crew!

Writing!

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Tapping your foot on the pavement as you think, you begrudgingly look in Boris’ direction when you have your answer: is it cool if you talk it out with the rest of your team first? Some of them have like… Diabetes and stuff and might not last long without food!

“Well sure!” Boris replies with a shrug. “Good on you for talking with your team, Stan! You’re becoming a real QB, you know that?”

Pretending you didn’t hear whatever it was Boris just called you, you duck past Bea and motion for Talbot and Art to follow--time to PLAN.

“Don’t forget to UNLOAD YOUR VAN and CHOOSE THE DRIVER!” Boris shouts as you shuffle away! Well DUH!

“So I’m not going to ask if we’re racing them or not because I KNOW you’re gonna say yes,” Art remarks as you head back towards your van, “but why are we talking to the others, then? This is way more forethought than usual for you.”

You shrug--he saw that reward! You can’t afford to lose this bet--you CAN’T!

By the time you reach the van, the film students, Gus and Mitzi are loaded up with weapons, ammo, and faces that tell you they’re ready for WAR!

“What’s the plan? We fighting?” Eddie asks eagerly. You shake your head--not this time, unfortunately!

“They er, they challenged us to a VAN RACE.” Art explains as Syb joins the circle raising an eyebrow.

“... Why?”

Because they’re competitive jerks and want to prove they’re all goody-goody and BETTER THAN YOU! Clenching your fist menacingly, a toothy grin forms on your face. You’ll show THEM, though!

“Also,” Art cuts in, “they’re offering FIVE CRATES OF BOOZE if we win. Even if we don’t give that to our greaser buddies, it’ll still come in useful.”

“Not that I’m upset by it, but why did you come talk to us, then?” Syb adds, placing a hand on her hip. First of all, you’re gonna need to clear out the van to make it as LIGHT AS POSSIBLE. Second, you’re gonna need a DRIVER. FOURTH, you’re gonna need to do whatever you can to make these freaks EAT YOUR DUST!

“Yep,” Art nods, “Otherwise that Curt guy’s gonna test Stan like a lab rat.”

The air around Syb chills as she stares at you in disbelief! “WHAAAAAT?!”

Dang it, Art…

>CONTD.

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>>4887340
You roll your eyes--that’s not even the worst bit--if you lose you’ll have to treat those jerks to BREAKFAST! That’s the most important meal of the day, Syb! It’ll be RUINED!

Talbot sympathetically pats you on the head as snowflakes form around Syb much to Gus and Kiki’s enjoyment. “Stan, you can NOT let those simpletons from the ORDER study you! Don’t you know what that means!?”

You lean against Talbot’s side and shrug. So they take a little blood and give you a lollipop--big deal!
“It means they get a piece of that WILD MAGIC attuned to your body!” Syb shouts! “What if they find a way to weaponize it or something!?”

Then you’ll let some OTHER quest protagonist handle it! You’ve got enough crap to worry about!

“Err, that’s also only if we lose.” Art adds, coming to your rescue. “And we haven’t agreed to race yet!”

“Well you know my vote.” Syb growls, crossing her arms and prompting everyone to start booing her. “What? NO! Stop booing!” She exclaims, her anger immediately turning into confusion! “I WANT to crush them beneath our heels! That’s what I meant!”

The team ceases their booing--guess we’ve got the go-ahead, then!

“So what’s the strategy, boss?” Eddie asks excitedly! “Are we gonna leave ‘em in the dust with our superior racing skills?”

You can’t help but snicker at that--no, you reply in between laughs, you’re going to CHEAT YOUR ASSES OFF!

https://iasip.link/?VGhlIEdhbmcgQ2hlYXRzIFRoZWlyIEFzc2VzIE9mZg==

Your merry band erupts into a chorus of devious laughter. Good… We’ll see who pays for breakfast!

“So who’s racing?” Gus asks, raising his hand lazily.

“Gus makes a good point. I volunteer!” Eddie grins, jabbing his thumb towards his chest!

“Hey now, wait a minute…” Art chuckles, “It’s Stan’s choice, right? She can choose the BEST DRIVER.”

You coulda swore you saw Art wink at you, but you dismiss it. He’s right, though--you should start by choosing your racer! Who should it be?

>YOU, DUH!
>ART! He’s got the experience!
>SYB! Maybe she can MAGIC something up?
>MITZI! She’s cool and collected!
>TUCKER! He seems responsible!
>EDDIE! He didn’t crash when you were escaping the lab before!
>KIKI! She did a good job driving near the dam…
>DENISE! If you lose you can blame her! Win/win!
>GUS! Dude’s a genius when it comes to driving!
>TALBOT! Wait… Never mind.
>WRITE-IN

>>4887345
>ART! He’s got the experience!
Can we have Sybil use Haste on the van right when the race starts to make it go faster? It doesn't specify the target has to be living.

>>4887355
Why yes... Yes you CAN!

>>4887345
>KIKI! She did a good job driving near the dam…
>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atuFSv2bLa8
Lets fuckin go, hit that haste

>>4887345
>ART! He’s got the experience!
Tell him he's just like Speed Racer!

>>4887355
Also +1 to haste on van, incredibly based idea

>>4887355
>>4887425
>ART!

>>4887409
>KIKI!

Aaaaand don't forget the HASTE! Writing!

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Biting your lip as you survey your band of misfits, you finally point your finger at ART who lights up like he just won the lottery or something.

“R-REALLY?!”

“R-REALLY?!” Eddie groans simultaneously!

Before they can get into another MARITAL SPAT, you raise a hand and tell them both to shut the hell up--Art gets all the glory, sure, but if he screws up....

The horror that appears on Art’s face intensifies as he locks eyes with Syb.

“You’ll do GREAT!” She exclaims, wrapping her arms around his neck! “Though I will NEVER FORGIVE YOU if you lose…”

“Woohoo.” Art whispers, weakly raising his arms in the air. Shaking your head, you slap the guard on his back--Syb’s right, he’ll be fine! Besides, you’ve already got a few tricks up your sleeve!

“Should uh…” Art mutters, “Should I know what those tricks are?”

“It’d be handy if we knew the route…” Mitzi muses to herself. “Did they say anything about it?”

You shrug--apparently some of Curt’s bathrobe models are gonna mark it with MAGIC or some crap.

“It should be rather straightforward, then,” Syb explains, “you’ll probably see a glowing arrow or two on the street or buildings…”

“Just like that Burning Rubber game, huh?” Gus remarks with a small grin. Raising a hand in the air to shut everyone up, you feel a devilish grin form on your face as you turn towards Syb.

“Y-yes, Stan?” She mutters, taking a step back from your manic look.

Her HASTE spell--it wouldn’t happen to work on VANS, would it? Syb ponders the question for a moment, then matches your grin with one of her own.

“Why yes... Yes it does!”

“No offense, Syb, but won’t those guys notice a spell?” Tucker interjects, prompting a few ‘mhm’s from your pals.

“Not if they’re distracted.” The goth replies, rubbing her chin. “Any ideas?”

“I could show them a few BIKE TRICKS.” Gus suggests.

“I co-could point out something wrong w-with one of their vehicles!” Denise squeaks.

“We could also just get Boris talking again.” Art shrugs. “Whatever we do we oughta do it fast…”

“WE RACIN’ OR WHAT, BUMBLEBEE?!!?”

Shooting a thumbs up to Boris’ distant and yet still very annoying voice, you weigh your options--how do you give Syb the time she needs?

>BIKE TRIIIICKS!
>MECHANICAL MALFUNCTION!
>Talk to BORIS (ugh.)
>WRITE-IN

>>4887550
>BIKE TRIIIICKS!
Actually laughed at the (Ugh) in the other choice.

>>4887550
>BIKE TRIIIICKS!
Make us proud

>>4887552
>>4887554
>BIKE TRIIIIICKS!

Looks like it's time for GUS to WORK HIS MAGIC! ROLL 1d100+10 since Gus CAN BIKE! I'll take the BEST OF 3 ROLLS!

Rolled 34 + 10 (1d100 + 10)

>>4887599
Watch THIS!

Getting a bit tired on my end, so I'll check back in on this THURSDAY AROUND 11-12PM PST!

We still need 2 MORE 1d100+10's--you can do that by writing dice+1d100-10 in the OPTIONS field! Don't ask me why you put a minus there--that's just how shit works!

See you on Thursday and thanks again for playing!

Rolled 35 + 10 (1d100 + 10)

>>4887599

>>4887653
For reference it works with a + too. + or - gets you +10, but you need to write +-10 to get a -10. It really is strange

Rolled 22 + 10 (1d100 + 10)

>>4887599

>>4887606
>>4887656
>>4887715
>HIGHEST ROLL: 45!

Writing!

File: talbnstan.png (97 KB, 800x600)

97 KB PNG

The answer is obvious. Looking at your pizza delivery man friend, you give him ‘The Nod’.

It’s TIME.

Wordlessly mounting his bike, Gus rides over to the convoy, dismounts, and quietly gathers a pile of wood and a few chunks of concrete. Seeing Syb watch intently, you gently slap her on the cheek--there’s no time! She’s gotta do it now!

“R-right…” Syb mutters, turning away from the spectacle about to unfold. Positioning yourself between her and the jerks across from you, you eagerly await Gus’ show!

Hold on. Waiiiit a minute.

Snapping your fingers at Talbot, you motion for him to stand next to you to help shield Sybil’s dark deeds. When the giant stomps over, you climb up his side and take a seat on his shoulder--best seats in the house AND you get to hide Syb! Win-win situation, baby!

https://youtu.be/gfyNI0GAZ-A

If the convoy crowd suspects anything, they don’t say it--by now most of the security goons are watching eagerly as Gus finishes building a makeshift ramp. Boris watches intently from the driver’s seat of his van while Bea takes a seat on the pavement. Hell, even CURT and his magical mooks are watching! You can’t help but grin--all according to plan!

Walking his bike a few feet away from the contraption, Gus hits the kickstand and dismounts one more time. Confidently striding to the ramp one more time, your neighbor pauses to observe his audience before retrieving a small, dirt-flecked PIZZAMAN PLUSH from his pocket and placing it at the base of the ramp. Ignoring the concerned gasps from the crowd, Gus returns to his bike, flicks the kickstand up with his foot, and revs his engine three times.

This is IT.

“Just need to concentrate…” Syb hisses, prompting you to shush her! JUST DO IT, NERD!

A hush falls over the road as everyone watches in anticipation--now that you think about it you’re not sure if there are any skeletons around, but if there are chances are they’re watching politely! Starving the crowd for a few more seconds, Gus takes one final breath before hitting the throttle!

Like a rocket made to deliver pizza, the bike flies towards the ramp with reckless abandon! A few ORDER goons gasp as the motorcycle’s front wheel mounts the plywood ramp, but you know better--Gus is an artiste!

The machine sails over the plush like it was nothing and gets like… THREE FEET OF AIR! AT LEAST FOUR!

Landing with a triumphant THUD, Gus and his noble steed come to a rolling stop a few feet from Boris’ entourage. The delivery man basks in the glory for a moment, then turns to grin at the onlookers...

...Who promptly EXPLODE with shouts and applause!

>CONTD.

File: sybspellfail.png (152 KB, 512x322)

152 KB PNG

>>4888800
Gus wordlessly retrieves the plush from below the ramp as the air is filled with hoots and hollers! Not one to be left out, you join in on the cheering as well, prompting the rest of your gang to follow suit! The convoy tries to drown you out, but you’re not gonna let them, damn it! Raising your head skyward, you concentrate energy in your new eye and send a LASER into the sky, bisecting a section of clouds as it travels towards the stratosphere!

Rubbing the heat and irritation from your eye, you look downward again and find that all eyes are now on you... Or rather the van behind you.

“Hey, uh,” Boris mutters, pointing a finger behind you, “What’s going on back there, Curt?”

You whirl around on Talbot’s shoulders to find Syb with a panicked look plastered on her pale face as trails of energy trickle out of her palm and into your van. What the HELL, SYB??!

“I-I might have gotten distracted by the trick…” She stammers, not making eye contact with you. “A-and then I got performance anxiet-”

“Haste. How elementary.”

Turning back towards the convoy, you find Curt hovering menacingly in front of your van raising a VERY DISAPPROVING EYEBROW your way!

“It would appear they were trying to cheat, Boris.”

The street goes silent as you struggle to come up with an explanation--it… You know… Er…

Luckily Boris is able to break the silence! As usual. Chuckling to himself, your coworker shakes his head a few times and shrugs. “That’s our Stan! I’m not a cheating man myself, but even I’ll admit if I was her I’d get tired of losing all the time too!”

-1 MORALE!

As Curt saps the energy from your van with a few muttered words, Boris snaps his fingers at Bea, then jabs a finger your way.

“Bea, you mind helping Stannie here to her seat? I’m still game for a race, but if we waste any more time we’re gonna miss breakfast!”

Clinging to Talbot like a cat about to go to the vet, you frantically shake your head! WAIT, you squeak, it was ART! ART’S the driver!

Too late. Stopping in front of your bodyguard, Bea politely holds her arms out, prompting Talbot to deposit you without a fuss. Scratching at her arms like a rabid raccoon, you shoot one last withering glare towards Syb as you’re unceremoniously stuffed into your van’s driver’s seat!

“Safety first, hon!” Bea giggles as she buckles your seatbelt! Slamming the door behind her, the amazon cheerfully makes her way back to Boris’ van and waves you over.

SHIT.

“Uuuugh… Whad’ I miss?”

Shut up, Ly.

>CONTD.

File: iknowitsukrainianshuttheh(...).jpg (148 KB, 1280x850)

148 KB JPG

>>4888803
Sitting in the driver’s seat of the van like your first day of Driver’s Ed, you ignore the seething look Art’s giving you and groan--stupid SYB! Stupid BORIS!

“Let’s go, bumblebee! Don’t got all day to beat ya!”

Grinding your teeth, you adjust the van seat for someone of your stature and fix the mirrors while you’re at it. Looks like you aren’t getting outta this one…

You’ve probably got time to do ONE THING before Bea comes and drives the van for you, so what do you do?

“Hold on,” Ly grumbles as you feel his presence stir inside of you, “are we in a RACE?”

Read the last few posts, man--we’ve got choices to make!

>Examine the STEERING COLUMN!
>Tune the radio to something APPROPRIATE!
>Get a feel for the WEIGHT!
>Try to figure out how to DRIFT or something!
>WRITE-IN

>>4888807
>Tune the radio to something APPROPRIATE!
>Try to figure out how to DRIFT or something!

>>4888807
>Try to figure out how to DRIFT or something!

>>4888807
>Tune the radio to something APPROPRIATE!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxLwGow0Tvw
>Try to figure out how to DRIFT or something!

>>4888811
>>4888820
>>4888935
>RADIO AND DRIFT!

Gonna need you to roll 1d100+5 to see just how successful you are at KANSEI DORIFUTO. +5 thanks to appropriate music! I'll take the BEST OF 3 ROLLS!

Rolled 59 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4888956
Time to unleash our secret driving technique...!

Rolled 72 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4888956
GAS GAS GAS!

Waiting on one more roll--feel free to go again if you want!

Rolled 96 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4889038
I was just about to ask if you wanted one of us to roll again lol

>>4888962
>>4888965
>>4889039
>HIGHEST ROLL: 101!

That'll do it! Writing!

File: skeletunes.png (107 KB, 856x688)

107 KB PNG

First thing’s first--you aren’t racing without some appropriate tunes. The right music choice during a race adds at least TEN HORSEPOWER to your wheels--that’s a straight-up FACT!

“True… True…” Ly mutters, his voice still a tad hoarse. “Doubt da’ radio station signals are cuttin’ through da’ BARRIER, though…”

You scoff--Tim might be a lot of things, but he’s gotta enjoy music! Fiddling with the van’s radio knob a bit, all you get is a whole lotta STATIC. Come on!

“I don’t think hittin’ it is gonna help, cupcake…” Ly mutters as you slap your palm against the dashboard a few times! Baloney--that’s what everyone says until it works!

Like magic, a final smack to the radio causes the static to be replaced by an unfamiliar male voice!

“-’re back! The town might be dyin’, but that doesn’t mean the beat is too! You’re listenin’ to SKELE-TUNES--your 24-hour stop for Beats to Kill Meatbags to! We don’t have any left, really, but here’s a song to get that blood pumpin--rev your engines, cuz this is ‘Sprintin’ in the Nines!’

https://youtu.be/kxLwGow0Tvw

You only need to hear the first few notes before a smile creeps across your face--yea, that’ll do it! You’re so inspired, in fact, you’ve got a good idea forming in your head!

“Dat’s da’ ticket!” Ly praises! “You got a strategy for winnin’, or somethin’?”

You shake your head--even better! You’re gonna learn HOW TO DRIFT!

Even the song seems to go silent in response to your claim. WHAT?!

>CONTD.

File: therace.png (1.34 MB, 1028x1336)

1.34 MB PNG

>>4889146
“... Now?”

Yes, Ly, NOW. It makes your car faster, right? Why wouldn’t you wanna learn now? Scanning the cabin interior, you look for the essentials of a good drift--STEERING WHEEL: CHECK. BRAKES: CHECK. GEAR SHIFT: CHECKAROO.

“... Can you even drift in an automatic?” Ly asks, raising one of your eyebrows. Of course--the automatic shift just makes it easier, Duh-DOI!

Revving the van’s engine a bit to the enjoyment of the people outside, you roll your window down and place your arm in its usual spot. First thing’s first--gotta get COMFY.

“... Great. What’s STEP 2?”

You’re getting to that, sheesh! STEP 2 is MOVING. Can’t drift without moving. Putting the van into DRIVE, your ride lurches forward as you head for where Boris and his cheerleaders are patiently waiting.

Let’s see… STEP 3 is to go REALLY FAST! Pushing the pedal to the metal, your ride rockets towards the spectators, causing many of them to dive for cover!

“S-STEP 4???” Ly mutters, hanging onto your body for dear life! STEP 4 is… DRIFFFFFFT!

Mashing the wheel to the left, you stomp on the brakes as you jerk the gear shift up and down rapidly! A painful grinding noise and sparks behind the van tell you all you need to know:

IT’S WORKING!

Skidding in a lazy arc into perfect position next to Boris, you ignore the smell of burning metal and rubber and give your competition a smug look--is he ready to race or what?

“Sure,” Boris chuckles, putting on a pair of gold-rimmed aviators, “and just so you know, I WILL want seconds at breakfast.”

Placing your own pair of SHADES on, you snicker--he can have all he wants… It’s HIS paycheck!

As the two of you stare each other down, Curt floats over to your vans and clears his throat for attention.

“The rules are simple--follow the GLOWING PATH to the BAGEL STORE--the one with the giant bagel in front. Shortcuts and bumping are fair game, within reason.” The mage shoots you a practiced scowl. “Weapons, firearms, and any attempts on the other’s life will result in… Consequences.”

Glancing at one of many watches on his forearm, Curt motions for Bea to approach.
“You’ll begin when Beatrix says ’GO.’ Let’s get this farce over with.”

As Curt and Bea trade places, your view shifts between your opponent and the amazon. Both revving your engines, your respective fans line up alongside your rides and cheer!

“You got this, Stan!” Eddie howls!

“Drive like we first met!” Art adds, prompting Syb to pop in too!

“You can do it, Stan! Grind their NOSES in it!”

Raising a hand in the air, Bea stares both vans down and giggles excitedly!

“3! 2!”

>CONTD.

>>4889152
Looks like you’re about to start! What’s the plan?!
>Take off RIGHT when she says GO!
>TRIP UP BORIS a bit! Say or do something! (WRITE-IN)
>PEER ahead and plan a ROUTE!
>EXAMINE the DASHBOARD one more time!
>WRITE-IN!

>>4889155
>EXAMINE the DASHBOARD one more time!
There's gotta be some extra tricks somewhere on here

>>4889155
>TRIP UP BORIS a bit! Say or do something! (WRITE-IN)
Bring up what we learned about him from the records in school with his family issues.

"Hey, remember that accident you had back at the football game? I'm glad you healed up- was your family worried about you?"

>>4889152
>>EXAMINE the DASHBOARD one more time!

Smokescreen or noxious gas button perchance?

>>4889193
>>4889257

Also would like to add we should also verbally mess with the dickwad.

>>4889158
>>4889193
>>4889257
>>4889258
>EXAMINE DASH AND PISS OFF BORIS!

Writing! Sorry folks, shopping trip turned into dinner turned into TV turned into.... You know.

File: forcefield.jpg (24 KB, 299x220)

24 KB JPG

Time slows to a crawl as you enter… THE DECISION ZONE! Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, you spend the elongated second or two taking one last look at your dashboard for anything that could give you an edge! After all, it’s been a while since you drove this thing--who knows what THE TRIO plugged into it?

Your search bears fruit almost immediately by landing on a button you’re sure wasn’t there before--nestled in between the air conditioning and defogger controls, you almost didn’t catch it! A red triangle sitting inside of another triangle is printed on the button--Syb and Curt mentioned PYRAMIDS earlier, so maybe it’s some kinda FORCE FIELD!

“... Pretty sure it’s da’ emergency lights, cupcake.”

You roll your eyes. Yes, Ly, of COURSE you’ll only use it in emergencies! Waving his comment off, you notice ANOTHER neat addition to the ride just to the left of the steering wheel--a small, hastily-sautered switch with a crudely-drawn picture of… Some sort of DOT CLOUD underneath? The hell is this?

“Maybe some kinda SMOKE SCREEN?” Ly guesses. “Dat’ or a TURBO BOOST. I’m more surprised dat’ Eddie an’ Art never tried it out!”

Pssh! Eddie was probably just trying to impress you with his good driving skills and Art just hates fun--nothing new there!

“Dat’ reminds me,” Ly continues, tapping your fingers on the wheel, “didn’t he say he was gonna tell everyone how he survived? Did I miss dat’?”

No, he still hasn’t done it, but now that you think about it… Your eyes go wide as a realization hits you like a truck: what if you LOSE?!

“I mean, it’ll suck, but whaddaya’ gonna do?” Ly shrugs. He doesn’t get it, damn it--if you’re running tests with Curt’s LARP Group Art will TOTALLY tell everyone the story but you! You can’t afford to lose!

“Okay, quit snarlin’ for a sec--do you really think Art would do dat’?” You respond to Ly’s question with a hollow chuckle--has he really been so easily fooled? Despite his wimpy appearances, Art is easily the most evil and vindictive member of the gang!

“Hey bumblebee, you done talkin’ to yourself? I don’t think Bea can hold the number one much longer!”

Speaking of evil...

>CONTD.

File: ball.jpg (34 KB, 612x360)

34 KB JPG

>>4889552
Abandoning your train of thought to glance at Boris, you follow his hairy finger to a distressed and winded Bea, who appears to still be saying the number one. So that’s what that was! You thought there was a generator nearby!

“Didn’t wanna interrupt--I think it’s cute you still spend time with your imaginary friends!” Boris chuckles as you white-knuckle the wheel! “No worries though--there’s two types of people in this world, Stannie: those who make touchdowns and those who pass the ball!”

“You just gonna take dat’, cupcake?” Ly asks, goading you on. Not damn likely!

Being with Boris again takes you back to what you learned during your trip to the High School Counselor’s Office--specifically that juicy piece of dirt on the aftermath of the big game… A devious smile crosses your face as you raise an eyebrow his way--hey Bor, speaking of football, remember that accident you had at the big game?

You see a shift in his smile.

“What about it, Stan?”

Hook, line and SINKER. Even BEA stopped counting! Shaking your head sheepishly, you chuckle to yourself--you didn’t mean anything by it--hell, you’re glad his leg’s all healed up now!

Confusion spreads across his face. “Well uh… Thanks, Sta-”

How’d his family feel about it? Was daddy upset when his dear star quarterback couldn’t play ball anymore?

Boris’ lip quivers in a way you’ve never seen before, and for a moment you almost see a crack in his facade.

Almost. When he whispers his response you can barely hear it over the engines and the resumed counting:

“What do you know about my fa-”

“GO!”

Grinning madly, you prepare to take off as Boris comes back to reality! You’ve got the jump on him--time to take the lead!

Roll 1d100+10 to GAS GAS GAS STEP ON DA GAS! I’LL TAKE THE BEST OF 3 ROLLS!

This is also the last update of the night/day--got an errand or two to do in the morning so expect an update around FRIDAY 1-2PM PST! Might get it out earlier, but we'll see! Thanks as usual for reading/playing and hope to see you next time for racing shenanigans!

Rolled 60 + 10 (1d100 + 10)

>>4889556
All of those years playing Crave that Momentum are gonna pay off

Rolled 90 + 10 (1d100 + 10)

>>4889556

Rolled 38 + 10 (1d100 + 10)

>>4889556

DO YOU LIKE. MY CAR? MY CAR?!

File: Kuraido.png (169 KB, 600x600)

169 KB PNG

>>4889564

Excellent...

>>4889561
>Crave that Momentum
I love you, anon.

Speaking of love....

>>4889564
Holy SHIT. Guess you guys started off strong.

>>4889565
COME ALONG GET IT ON

>HIGHEST ROLL: NON-NAT 100, baby!

Turns out the shit I was gonna do today can't be done until Monday, so on the bright side that means MORE BONES QUEST WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! Writing!

File: pretenditsdavan.gif (1.09 MB, 498x278)

1.09 MB GIF

https://youtu.be/kxLwGow0Tvw
Shifting into ‘DRIVE’ and hitting the gas in one fluid motion, you charge out of the starting position like a bat outta hell! Mashing the horn as your gang fills the sweet, apocalyptic air with cheers, you hazard a look back towards Boris--your High School (and current) Tormenter cursing as he fiddles with something on his end!

“Da’ creep had it in PARK!” Ly cackles, planting his ASTRAL PROJECTION in the passenger’s seat! “Now we just gotta hold on to da’ lead, kiddo!”

You nod as you crank the radio knob--any chance he can give you a head’s up on the directions? You’re pretty sure Curt and his goons won’t be able to see Ly from this distance.

“Consider me da’ CO-DRIVER!” Your skeleton’s ghostly form shoots ahead as you weave through a slalom of burned-out cars--despite it all it looks as though the ORDER cleared this place up a bit! As you approach an intersection blocked by a stack of trucks, you notice a GLOWING GREEN ARROW directing you to the right. Preparing to turn, Ly hops back into the passenger’s seat and grins.

“Hear me out, cupcake--ya see dat’ CAFE up ahead?”

You follow his finger and nod--next to the aforementioned barricade sits a quaint little coffee shop with a sign reading The Daily Grind sitting above the entrance in fancy lettering.

“Take a look to da’ RIGHT.”

Following his directions, you frown--what, the barricade? What about i-

“No, stupid, that’s your LEFT. I meant dat’ SEATING AREA.”

Oh. That makes a lot more sense! Sure enough, there’s a large seating area enclosed by a wall of glass--most likely to keep things bright while also keeping the homeless away. Not a bad bit of architecture!

“Straight through there’s da’ road--da arrow’s got us doin’ a HAIRPIN TURN!”

You blink. So he’s suggesting you head STRAIGHT THROUGH? The astral projection nods eagerly.

“You can’t always be da’ one comin’ up wit’ crazy ideas…”

As your van approaches, you catch yourself biting your lip--you’ve got a lead now AND you learned how to DRIFT-- should you go for the shortcut and risk getting stuck, or take the safer, albeit LONGER way?
What’s the play?
>SAFER, but SLOWER--let’s do the TURN.
>THROUGH THE CAFE! Fortune favors the BOLD!
>LASER-BLAST the BARRICADE and GO THAT WAY!
>WRITE-IN

>>4890455
>THROUGH THE CAFE! Fortune favors the BOLD!

Taking the safe option with Stan?
NO WAY!

>>4890455
>THROUGH THE CAFE! Fortune favors the BOLD!

>>4890455
>THROUGH THE CAFE! Fortune favors the BOLD!

>>4890455
>>SAFER, but SLOWER--let’s do the TURN.
nice redline gif BTW

>>4890455
>>THROUGH THE CAFE! Fortune favors the BOLD!

Get fucking rekt, Boris!

File: goodshit.gif (7.09 MB, 640x360)

7.09 MB GIF

>>4890494
Thanks! Friggin love Redline--highly recommend it if anyone hasn't watched it!

That said,

>>4890460
>>4890461
>>4890483
>>4890504
>BOLD AND BRASH

>>4890494
>ACTUALLY INTELLIGENT

Looks like we're taking a coffee break! Roll me 1d100+5 for a REAL CAFFEINE CRASH! You get a small BONE-US thanks to your lead over that scrub BORIS. I'll take the BEST OF 3 ROLLS!

Rolled 9 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4890513

File: 1619120255055.gif (255 KB, 326x326)

255 KB GIF

>>4890517

Rolled 1 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4890513

>>4890525
I'm gonna have to go back and check how many Nat 1's we've rolled in this quest--I get the feeling that we might be spitting in Probability's face here!

In any case, you still have ONE MORE CHANCE TO ROLL A 100! I'll update after that last roll.

Rolled 61 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4890513

>>4890525
Crawling in my skiiiiiiiiin, these wounds they will not heeeaaaaal

>>4890517
>>4890525
>>4890535
>NAT 1

Welp, time to kill Art again. Writing!

File: fuckingdisgusting.png (1.37 MB, 1299x1300)

1.37 MB PNG

You answer Ly with a toothy grin--see, this is how you know he’s YOUR skeleton! Always coming up with good ideas!

“I’m full of ‘em.” Ly snickers. “Shall we?”

We shall! Zooming past the turn indicated by the glowing arrow, you instead hit the gas as you careen towards the seating area! Looks like this place is about to get a drive-thru!

Connecting with the glass windows, the van instantly crunches into a cube with you in it, killing you instantly.

GAME OV

PSSSH could you imagine!? It’s GLASS, come on now! Crashing through the windows like an action hero, you and Ly chuckle to each other as your van makes quick work of the bougie tables and chairs in the seating area! Take that, tasteful atmosphere!

“Wait a minute,” Ly mutters as you approach the other end, “What is-STAN, LOOK OUT!”

It takes you a moment to see what Ly’s screaming about, but by the time you see it it’s already too late! A massive dispenser machine labelled ’WELCOME TO TOPPING TOWN!’ sits on the counter you’re approaching! Before you can swerve, the van crashes into the horrible contraption causing a foul blend of SYRUP, CHOCOLATE, CINNAMON, HONEY, BACON BITS, and COUNTLESS OTHER TOPPINGS cake your windshield, completely obstructing your vision!

“What kinda’ animal needs all dese’ toppins’ anyways?!?” Ly sputters as you try to regain control of your van! CALIFORNIANS, you spit. They’re worse than animals!

ROLL 1d100-10 to regain control of the van! I’ll take the BEST OF 3 ROLLS! Don’t forget to include specific topping-removal strats!

Rolled 15 - 10 (1d100 - 10)

>>4890579
We have isopropyl alcohol on us, lets try using that for a cleaning boost. We are a janitor damnit, lets clean. Plus if the isopropyl lights on fire we are gonna get a sick-ass Hell Rider effect with a super low temperature harmless fire.

Rolled 33 - 10 (1d100 - 10)

>>4890579

Rolled 99 - 10 (1d100 - 10)

>>4890579

>>4890606
SO CLOSE TO A 100

File: tfw roll.jpg (78 KB, 770x800)

78 KB JPG

>>4890606

>>4890611
Some day, my friends. Some day!

>>4890592
>>4890605
>>4890606
>HIGHEST ROLL: 89!

Writing!

File: greenooooooorb.gif (475 KB, 498x498)

475 KB GIF

You snarl as the windshield wipers get stuck in the hot, multicolored mess on the windshield--this isn’t good!

Sticking his head through the mess, Ly does his best to navigate as you wrestle with the van! “AUGH! TURN LEFT!” He shouts, pointing to your ri-

Wait.. No, it’s your left. Whoops. You turn the way Ly points, depositing you safely on what you hope is road. Glaring at the goop obstructing your view, a dusty lightbulb flickers to life in your head--wait a minute! You’ve dealt with crap like this before!

“Then deal wit’ dis’!” Ly shouts! “Preferably NOW!”

Rummaging through your pockets, you whip out the BOTTLE OF ISOPROPYL ALCOHOL you shamelessly stole from the High School Nurse’s Office! You remember this stuff did a number on that mold that was making its home in the GOOD BOY STAFF LOUNGE a few months back--a much more effective tool than a drink, that’s for damn sure!

“Your liver still bitches to me about dat’, ya know.” Ly mutters as you lean out the window. You hold the wheel steady with one of your feet and uncap the bottle, swooning a bit as the intense fumes tickle your nostrils! LATER, Stan! Dumping the concoction on the mass of coffee condiments, you duck back inside and flick the windshield wipers back on!

As expected, the mass withers and shrieks a bit before dissolving into nothing more than a foul memory! Pumping your fist, you regain control of the van and continue down the road! You take a peek in your mirrors as you take your ride past a burning helicopter wreck--a speck in the distance drifts around what you assume was the HAIRPIN TURN. HAH! Boris is practically in another ZIP CODE! Cackling with glee, your mirth is interrupted once again by Ly howling about something.

“Da’ hell is DAT?” your skeleton hisses, pointing to a FLOATING GREEN ORB above you! You dunno, but it’s weird! What do you do!?

>WAVE to it! It doesn’t cost anything to be friendly!
>IGNORE it. Probably just Aurora Borealis or something.
>ATTACK! It’s trying to get you!
>WRITE-IN

>>4890660
>Write-In
>Press one of the new buttons on your dashboard!

>>4890699
>>4890699
Hit the hazard lights! I see a hazard!

File: 1623962189329.gif (1.78 MB, 350x255)

1.78 MB GIF

>>4890699
>4890660

Checked. Seconding.

>>4890699
+1ing

>>4890699
>>4890724
Let's press a button! Could you guys be a bit more specific, though?

Which of the following will Stan press?
>HAZARD LIGHTS
>MYSTERY BUTTON NEAR WHEEL
>ALL OF THEM! PANIC!

>>4890734
>HAZARD LIGHTS

>>4890734
>>ALL OF THEM! PANIC!

Cause we're Stan, that's why.

Rolled 3 (1d3)

>>4890734
MY VOTE WILL BE RANDOM
1. Hazard Light
2. Mystery Button
3. All of them

>>4890735
>HAZARDS!

>>4890737
>>4890741
>CLASSIC STAN

Writing! Thanks for the clarification!

File: old.png (331 KB, 600x600)

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Blanching at the UFO keeping pace with your van, you quietly, but firmly instruct Ly to buckle in--things are about to get bumpy!

“They’re already bump-oh, gotcha.”

As Ly’s fingerbones phase through his seatbelt, you unbuckle yours and clench your teeth--you’re not gonna let this thing take you out of the lead!

MEANWHILE AT THE RACE STARTING POINT…

“Gotta say, Basil, this is a pretty cool spell.”

A slight grin forms on the ORDER member as he conjures a GREEN SCREEN in the air for everyone to see.

“Please refrain from addressing him directly--this spell requires a great deal of concentration.” Curt snaps, earning a ‘who cares’ shrug from Mitzi.

“W-w-w-would anyone like s-some popc-corn!?” Denise sputters, weaving through the audience members with a massive bag in her sweaty hands.

“Thanks, pipsqueak~” Bea giggles, snatching the bag from the scientist’s hands.

“She’s got quite the lead, huh?” Tucker remarks, prompting a grunt from Gus.

“It’s in the bag!” Eddie grins, taking a bite out of a breakfast bar! “Brsch wgng nrrdg err mfr-”

Tucker cuts Eddie off with an elbow to the stomach. “Chew first.”

“Doesn’t matter how you start--it’s how you finish.” Gus mutters, eliciting some knowing nods from Tucker and Kiki.

“So,” Syb begins, scooching a tad closer to Art, “you think she’ll pull it off?”

“Eh.” Art shrugs, gingerly placing an arm around Syb’s shoulder. “Her track record’s pretty… Erratic.”

“True. Still, sh-”

“GOLLY, look at THAT!”

Interrupted by the GOOD BOY GOON sitting in front of them, Syb and Art’s eyes go wide as the van snakes back and forth on the road!

“ABDUCT SOMEONE YOUR OWN SIZE, CREEPS!!”

The goth massages her temples as the screen zooms in on Stan angrily shaking her fist at the feed..

“... She doesn’t know, does she?” Art remarks, prompting Syb to shake her head. “Let’s just hope she doesn’t do anything stupid...”

>CONTD.

File: vanofthefuture.jpg (48 KB, 512x512)

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>>4890862
BACK IN THE VAN....

What’s wrong with this stupid thing?! Does it understand ENGLISH?! This is America--it has to! It’s the LAW! Grabbing an empty bottle from the drink holder, you send it sailing through the orb, but nothing happens!

“I don’t think dat’s gonna work, cupcake!” Ly shouts, still struggling to buckle up! Letting out an angry sigh, you shake your head--looks like it’s time for your LAST RESORT!

“Oh god, please don’t kill us.”

A resigned smile forms on your face--you can’t promise that. Not with what you’re about to do! Flexing your BUTTON-PRESSING FINGER as it hovers over the dashboard, you give a final salute to Ly. It’s been a wild ride, old ch-

“KEEP YER’ DAMN HAND ON DA’ WHEEL!”

Ending your salute with a frown on your face, you shake your head. Fine, you grumble, so much for a final sendoff…

“Stan, it’s not a final sendoff--I told ya’ already, it’s da’ friggin’ EMERGENCY LI-”

Your finger depresses the EMERGENCY FORCE FIELD BUTTON before Ly can be all negative again, causing the dashboard’s readouts to flicker! What the he-

And that’s when you feel it--a peculiar buzzing sensation on your skin and teeth as if you were a human tuning fork.

“What in the hell…” Ly mutters as the van is quickly enveloped by a faint blue light! You can’t help but scoff--you told him already--it’s a friggin’ FORCE FIELD! Sometimes it pays to listen, Ly.

“No way…” Mutters the skeleton as a wayward pigeon flies too close to your ride and is vaporized. WAY. Now shut up--you’re gonna try the other one!

Before he can convince you otherwise, you MASH the button next to the wheel! The van’s engine sputters for a moment, but quickly recovers. Disappointed, you smack the button a few more times! What’s the deal?!

That’s when the music starts...

>CONTD.

File: thevan.gif (1.45 MB, 320x218)

1.45 MB GIF

>>4890867
Now that you think about it, though, it’s kinda hard to tell what happened first. Most importantly, you hear the van’s engine roar like a pissed-off grizzly bear as the whole thing rockets down the road! Grabbing your hat to keep it from flying away, your eyes are assaulted by a rainbow of flashing lights in and outside of the van! Bits of confetti shoot from the A/C vents and the defoggers outside, the latter instantly vaporizing against the FORCE FIELD!

Oh right, and the music.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY I LOVE YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY I LOVE YOU!”

Oh NO, not THIS AGAIN!

Instinctively clasping your ears shut at the horrible din, you feel the van skid out of control as whatever the hell you activated shoots you towards a PILLOW AND MATTRESS STORE at the end of the street!

“Stan, dat’ says PROPANE AN’ MATCHES STORE!” Ly howls. Squinting at the rapidly-approaching storefront, you frown--they really oughta use a better font for that.

“Let’s write a strongly-worded letter after we DON’T DIE!” Ly suggests. Agreeing, you fight the g-force and the volume of the worst song ever to try and push the button next to the wheel! At that same moment, however, one of the pieces of confetti decides to ignite rather than disintegrate, turning your windshield into a raging conflagration!

You’ve gotta say--this race thing did turn out pretty fun. Oh right, rolls.

ROLL 1d100 to GET CONTROL BACK! I’ll take the BEST OF 3 ROLLS!

Rolled 8 (1d100)

>>4890870

Rolled 6 (1d100)

>>4890870
YEEHAWWWWW

>>4890891
Someone please save us

Rolled 75 (1d100)

>>4890870
Watch THIS!!!

File: WATCHED.gif (1.04 MB, 500x194)

1.04 MB GIF

>>4890896
>pic related

>>4890881
>>4890891
>>4890896
>HIGHEST ROLL: 75!

Writing!

File: park.jpg (244 KB, 1024x768)

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Using what little ab, arm, and finger strength you have, you fight against the speed pushing you into your seat and smash the button next to the wheel with a triumphant ‘CLICK!’ Whooping victoriously as the music shuts off, the lights go dark, and the confetti stops flowing, the van abruptly jerks into a much-lower speed, causing you to slam your head into the steering column! OW!

“You okay, cupcake?!” Ly gasps as you regain control of the wheel! Yea, you mutter, rubbing your head, but the question is, where to NEXT?

“Dat’s da spirit. Let’s see…” Ly’s spectral form ducks out of the van as you take another look in the mirrors--it’s harder to see with the flames from the dashboard reflecting off of them, but once you see the rapidly-approaching object behind you there’s no doubt about it: Boris is slowly catching up!

Eager to keep the lead, you whip your van around a corner as per the instructions of the glowing arrow on a building in front of you. Can’t be far now!

“It ain’t.” Ly reports as he suddenly reappears in the passenger seat. “Got a bit of rough terrain ahead--cuttin’ through a SMALL PARK.”

You smirk--and he has a shortcut for you, right? The skeleton matches your devious grin.

“I do indeed. If we continue dead-ahead we’ll cross a field--couple trees, couple hills, no prob. Dat’ leads around a POND.”

You blink. Where’s the shortcut there, then? Ly responds with a chuckle as he points to the PLAYGROUND on the side of the pond opposite of the field!

“Dodge da’ sandtraps an’ cut across--easy money!”

Hold on a sec, you interrupt, why can’t you just drive across the POND? Your skeleton looks at you with disbelief for a moment, then frowns.

“It’s a pond, Stan. You’ll sink the damn van!”

You rub your chin as you contemplate your options--you’ve got a lead on Boris--do you wanna risk getting caught in the sand and playground equipment to maximize your lead?

>Hell YES I do!
>NO thanks--we’ll stick with the safer option!
>FORD THE RIV-err, the POND!
>WRITE-IN

>>4890934
>NO thanks--we’ll stick with the safer option!
We should probably make a safe choice at least once here, we already have kept a strong lead

>>4890934
>Hell YES I do!
All the better to shove it in that smug prick's face!

>>4890946
>>4890945
>>4890934
Ahhhhh screw it, ya convinced me
>Hell YES I do!

>>4890934
>>Hell YES I do!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BOKCB5eZR78

>>4890946
>>4890948
>>4890958
>I DON'T CARE WHAT IT TAKES JUST FIND A WAY TO WIN THE RACE

Let's see some ROLLS! 1d100+5 if you please--you get a BONE-US from your lead! I'LL TAKE THE BEST OF 3 ROLLS!

Rolled 17 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4891007

Rolled 52 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4891007

*nervous sweating intensifies

Rolled 2 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>4891007
JUST WIN THE RACE

>>4891099
Someone sacrifice a mammal to the dice machine

>>4891101
DICELOR will come around, anon--have FAITH!

>>4891013
>>4891040
>>4891099
>HIGHEST ROLL: 57!

Writing!

File: justpretenditsabagelokayc(...).jpg (315 KB, 1200x1483)

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You feel yourself swell with resolve--bringing the van around the corner, you get a glimpse of your obstacle--a decrepit play area and a cluster of stands bordering a large pond! The grass around the sand pits and play equipment is strewn with debris and scrap metal--you’re not really sure what the hell happened here, but one thing’s for sure--you ain’t backing down now! Sensing which route you’re about to take, Ly turns to you with a look of pride.

“You really wanna kick dis’ guy’s butt, don’tcha?”

You nod--damn straight! Leaping the curb into the park proper, you cut across the grass as you hear the sound of Boris’ van rapidly approaching! Shaking that thought from your head, you step on the gas and thread the needle between the pond and play area using the bike path, just barely skidding past the benches cemented bordering it!

“Focus, kiddo!” Ly whispers as you hear an engine roar behind you! A quick glance in your mirror tells you all you need to know--Boris is catching up and he’s taking the safe route!

What a pity! Charging past a cluster of jungle gyms and monkey bars, you spy the eerie glow of the next arrow just beyond the park! Almost theAAAAUUUUUGH!

Just when you think you’re out, a patch of muddy grass sends the van swerving towards the food stands beyond the play structures! Wrestling with your steering wheel, you inadvertently send your ride into an erratic serpentine!

“Stan…” Ly mutters as you yank the wheel towards the exit. WHAT, LY?!

“F-f-FRUUUUUIIIIIT CAAAAAAAARRRT!”

Sure enough, amidst the stands selling hot dogs, cotton candy, and other fine treats, you just happen to be careening towards the fruit cart someone parked right in your way! What are the odds?! Twisting the wheel with all your might, you can’t stop the van from skidding into the side of the obstacle! AAAaaAAaAAAH!

Bumping the cart with a dull ‘thud’, the van stabilizes almost instantly. Blinking, you quickly assess the damage and shrug--you don’t even see a scratch in the paint job!

“Err, shall we?” Ly reminds you, pointing a spectral finger towards the arrow. Yes, you nod, let’s!

Bursting out of the park like a dog without a leash, your mighty steed emerges on a long, clear stretch of road--the end of which is dominated by the BIGGEST DONUT YOU’VE EVER SEEN!

“Pretty sure dat’s a bagel, kiddo.”

Oh, right. Hey, that’s the FINISH LINE! Seeing Boris’ van rapidly skimming the side of the park pond, you continue towards the BAGEL SHOP, BRAGGING RIGHTS, and VICTORY!

You’ve clearly got the lead and it’s a straightaway--how do you play this?
>Just DRIVE--let’s finish strong!
>Use the BOOST! Who knows what Boris is planning?!
>Take your TIME--you can’t afford to SCREW UP!
>WRITE-IN!

>>4891184
>>Just DRIVE--let’s finish strong!
>>Use the BOOST! Who knows what Boris is planning?!

Something tells me he won't take that comment we made about his family laying down...

>>4891184
We've got a clear lead. Let's just drive because the dice gods have been pissy today.

>>4891188
>>4891190

>>>Just DRIVE--let’s finish strong!

Changing vote to this.

>>4891184
>Use the BOOST! Who knows what Boris is planning?!

>>4891113
>Just DRIVE--let’s finish strong!
WE GOT THIS

>>4891227
>>891184
>Just DRIVE--let’s finish strong!
Meant to vote for this, I'm very drunk

>>4891198
>>4891190
>JUST DRIVE

>>4891227
>>4891260 (?)
>BOOST

Think I'll leave this open a little longer because if I'm reading correctly we appear to have a tie... I'll do a tiebreaker after dinner though if we're still in the same spot!

>>4891282
I think it's three just drives to one boost, but just in case I'll switch my vote to just drive for the sake of moving forward.

Whichever way the votes were meant to go, it looks like we're just gonna DRIVE.

Roll me 1d100+15 due to your SWEET LEAD! I'll take the BEST OF 3 ROLLS!

As for the shitty news, the day's catching up with me. Whatever the result, I'll whip up an update SATURDAY around 11-12PM PST! thanks for playing along and hope to see you next time!

Rolled 21 + 15 (1d100 + 15)

>>4891381

Rolled 31 + 15 (1d100 + 15)

>>4891381
Hit that Tokyo Drift

Rolled 66 + 15 (1d100 + 15)

>>4891381

File: tegaki.png (3 KB, 400x400)

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Oi! QM!

Mind if I borrow snippets of your imgur art for... a thing of sorts. I know there's no property ownership on 4chan but I respect users' intellectual property, etc.


I PROMISE I'M NOT WRITING FANFIC. THAT'S FUCKING GAY.

>>4891429
Please do! I'm always happy for more fanart and stuff as long as I get to see it when it's done.

>>4891383
>>4891397
>>4891405
>HIGHEST ROLL: 81!

Aw ye--time to put this race baby to bed! Writing!

File: droven.png (3.26 MB, 2500x1664)

3.26 MB PNG

Your BUTTON-PUSHING FINGER hovers over the BOOST PARTY BUTTON, but you hesitate. Even if Boris’ van grew wings it wouldn’t matter at this point, so you just DRIVE.

https://youtu.be/-DSVDcw6iW8

You continue down the straightaway with your foot on the gas pedal, nothing else. A quick glance in your mirrors tells you that in typical Boris fashion, the son of a bitch is rapidly approaching. Does that concern you?

Nope.

You can’t help but chuckle as the GREEN ORB follows along as he struggles to keep up--a small part of you feels a little bad for the guy, actually.

“R-really?” Ly asks, cocking his spectral skull to the side.

HELL NO! SUCK IT, LOSER!

Stomping the gas pedal to the floor, you mash the horn like you were making jam out of it--the noise following you all the way to the eerie glow of the FINISH LINE in front of the BAGEL SHOP! You take one last look behind you as you hear your opponent’s engine roar--some sort of boost? Too little, too late, amigo!

You skid over the finish line with time to spare, letting the van idle and hiss from the wild ride. As you let out a sigh of relief, you turn to your skeleton who looks at you with pride!

“Now DAT’S how ya drive!”He snickers, raising his ASTRAL HAND for a high five. Doing your best to slap a non-corporeal object, you and your skeleton share some laughter as Boris’ ride finally zooms across the finish line.

As Mr. Perfect shuts down his engine, you see a conga line of APCs approaching--no doubt carrying the spectators and your pals. Shutting down your own engine, you remove your SUNGLASSES and smirk at your opponent’s ride.

How do you celebrate your CLEAR AND OVERWHELMING VICTORY?
>SHAKE Boris’ HAND! You can be CIVIL!
>RUB his FACE in it! You’ve EARNED IT!
>IGNORE the jerk, go find your FRIENDS!
>WRITE-IN

>>4892306
>>SHAKE Boris’ HAND! You can be CIVIL!

But do this as patronizingly and with as much rubbing-it-in as possible

>>4892321
this would be fucking great

>>4892306
Supporting >>4892321 and add some backhanded compliments and faint praise.

>>4892321
+1ing the snarky condescension since he's always giving it to us

>>4892321
>>4892322
>>4892328
>>4892331
>Shake his hand POLITELY! WINK WINK

Writing!

>>4891429
>>4891442
Dropping the thing
May or may not be the gayest thing on this side of the universe
>justpaste(dot)it(slash)3jdj3

File: whichchar.png (121 KB, 846x799)

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>>4892474
>>4892474
I friggin' love it, anon! Don't know what you were concerned about--this is really cool of you to whip up and I appreciate the time and effort you put into it! I just took it and surprisingly got Stan.. Really like all the thought you put into the questions and the results!

Do you mind if I pop it onto Twitter and the pastebin, or would you prefer to just leave it here? I get it if you don't want to spread it around!

On a more on-topic note, looks like the site's up again! Gonna finally post my updates!

File: predator_handshake.jpg (46 KB, 1194x631)

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You don’t waste any time kicking the door open and hopping out of the cabin. Your boots hitting the cracked, ash-strewn pavement with a muffled ‘squeak’, you plant your hands on your hips and feet on the ground in front of Boris’ van, a genial smile plastered on your face.

A moment later, the man himself opens the door and exits the van. Seeing you waiting for him, Boris chuckles a bit and gives you a slow clap.

“No other way to put it, bumblebee--you smoked me!”

Nope, you think to yourself, he’s not getting off that easy! Trotting over to the guy who DIDN’T COME IN FIRST, you extend your hand expectantly. Come on, you gush, he did a GREAT job--that was… What a race! So close! WOWSERS!

“D’ohhh, you don’t gotta try to make me feel better about it, Stannie,” he replies, grabbing your hand firmly. “You played all the right cards back there, no ifs ands or buts about it!”

Clenching his hand tightly in yours, you enthusiastically shake it up and down as if you were trying to tear his arm from its socket! You DID play all the right cards, didn’t you? Hell, if he wasn’t so scared of taking a chance or two he probably could have placed second a little earlier!

“Ahahah, guess that’s how it goes, huh?” Boris tries to pull his hand away, but you don’t let him. It IS how it goes, isn’t it? Here you are fresh out of your THIRD BATTLE with a lieutenant and yet you’re still able to beat him! That’s so weird!

“Guess you’ve learned a thing or two from what I’ve been tellin’ ya, huh?” Boris replies, not backing down.

Sure, you giggle, white-knuckling his hand. Or maybe he’s just LOSING HIS EDGE. He is getting older, after all!

You see your opponent’s smile falter a bit, if only for a second.

“Hey, gotta toss the little guy a win every now and again, right?” Boris chuckles, his bravado slowly returning. “Games aren’t fun if you get the same result every single time!”

You’ll be the judge of that. From where you’re standing, it feels pre-tay good! Laughing along with you, Boris pulls you in close so that your noses are a scant few inches apart.

“Then enjoy it while it lasts, bumblebee, because you can bet that this ain’t over!”

The two of you stare each other down, neither willing to let go of the other’s hand. Before you can rub it in any further, the sound of big engines approaches from around the corner!

“That’s how ya’ do it!” Shouts Art from atop one of the vehicles! Letting Boris’ hand drop, you turn and bow for the approaching spectators, receiving a chorus of cheers from the APCS! Shooting one last smug glance at Boris, you bask in the adoration.

THAT’S more like it!

>CONTD.

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>>4892498
“We saw the whole thing through that ORB!” Eddie reports, hopping off of his APC and leading the charge your way!

“Pretty cool, Stan.” Gus adds, rolling up on his bike with Syb in the sidecar! Before you can respond, his passenger BLINKS over to you and tackles you into a hug!

“You did GREAT, Stan! Fantastic!” Art, Tucker, and Eddie help you both to your feet as the rest of the APC goons approach to join in on the fun as well. As you begin the process of shaking the hands of every GOOD BOY GOON and ORDER member, you hear the telltale stomp of heavy boots coming from around the corner the APCs came from. Turning your attention that way, your face lights up as Talbot rounds the bend carrying a queasy-looking Denise in the crook of his arm! Seeing you, a weary smile forms on the scientist’s face.

“Th-th-th-that was SPECTACULAR, Stan!” She mutters as Talbot gingerly places her on the ground. “I-It’s not normally my thing, bu-”

Before she can finish, your bodyguard grabs you by the shoulders and spins you around! Alarmed by the sudden movement, you nonetheless smile at the gentle giant as he plops you back on your feet and gives your head a light pat.

“STAAAAAAAN.” He groans, sending a massive thumb’s up your way.

“We taught him a few tricks,” Mitzi snickers, appearing from the crowd of onlookers with Kiki at her side. “Could barely tear his eye away from the race, but we figured ‘eh, what the hell?’”

“It wasn’t really a nail-biter, but it was fun to watch!” Instinctively recoiling at Bea’s bubbly voice, you relax a little when you see her and Curt approaching from the convoy.

“Indeed. Very educational.” Curt grins, raising an eyebrow your way. “I was almost certain Boris would be the victor. Then again, we learn much more when our hypothesis is proven wrong…”

“Kid knows her way around the wheel--what can ya do?” Boris laughs, slapping the mage on the back.

“Indeed.” Curt replies before turning his attention back your way. “Naturally you are by no means obligated to visit us in THE LODGE, Ms. Parble, but you are nonetheless welcome if you ever seek…” The mage shoots Syb a sideways glance, “... Another perspective into the arcane…”

“Fat chance.” Syb replies bluntly. “Stan’s a busy girl--go find another science project!”

“Hey er…” Interrupts one of the GOOD BOY GOONS, “Ms. Parble? Got a CALL waiting on our radio for ya. When you’re ready, of course.”

What’s the next step here?
>Help load up your PRIZES!
>Talk to SOMEONE! (WHO?)
>Answer the CALL!
>WRITE-IN

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>>4892474
Based as hell (pic was my result)

>>4892503
>Answer the CALL!

Boris and his people can load up the prizes

>>4892493

Not a problem at all! Put the quiz wherever you want!

>>4892503
>Answer the CALL!

>>4892503
>Answer the CALL!
Awwwww yisss, Skeleton greaser points. My favorite boys

>>4892513
>>4892525
>>4892530
>Will YOU answer the call? Yes!

Writing! Also gonna plop the link onto my Twitter and the Pastebin--thanks again for putting it together, it means a lot!

File: apc.jpg (1.24 MB, 2592x1936)

1.24 MB JPG

Wrinkling your nose at the news, you turn to Boris and sigh--it’s been nice and all, but you’d appreciate it if he and his fanclub could load up your reward lickety-split. You’ve got a call to take!

“Hey, a deal’s a deal!” Boris shrugs, clapping you on the shoulder. If he notices your disgusted hiss, he doesn’t show it. “You do your thing--your people and mine will have everything loaded up before you can say ‘STANNIE!’

Punctuating his statement with a laugh, Boris begins rounding his goons up when you ignore him. Gesturing for Syb and Art to come over, you lean in close so that only they can hear your instructions: Load everything up and keep an extra close eye on your reward!

“You don’t think they’d cheat us, do you?” Art whispers back.

“Well, we did try to cheat them…” Syb sheepishly mutters. “At any rate it’s a good idea. Leave it to us, Stan.”

Leave it you shall! Giving the two a lazy salute, you saunter over to the Good Boy Security Guard sitting in an APC’s driver’s seat. Fiddling with the radio, he removes a pair of HEADPHONES upon noticing your approach and vacates the seat for you.

“All yours, Parble. Great race, by the way!”

You give the guard a toothy smirk--it just comes naturally to you! Poking a finger at the APC’s dashboard riddled with buttons, gauges, and light, you raise an eyebrow.

“Oh err… Sorry! It looks tricky, but it’s pretty simple stuff. Here, let me just…”

The guard leans over and pokes a finger at a red, rectangular button with the word SEND printed on it.

“Radio’s already linked up--just press that when you wanna talk! Oh, and give it a second before speaking, otherwise your voice’ll be cut off.”

Yea, yea, you’ve used a RADIO before. Hopping into the driver’s seat, you plop the HEADPHONES over your ears, but pause--who’s the call from, again?

“You’ll uh… You’ll see. Or hear.” The guard nervously chuckles. Before you can get more information, they politely close the car door and walk a few feet away.

How do you START the call?
>IDENTIFY YOURSELF!
>HELLO?
>I’m kinda BUSY here!
>AHOY HOY!
>WRITE-IN

>>4892623
>AHOY HOY!

10 bucks says it's Sonny Bruckmann Jr.

>>4892623
>AHOY HOY!
I kinda hope we get a little bit of space to work on our sidequests now, since we just tackled two bosses in a row since we last got a rest. If they tamper with that alcohol is gonna be a real bad time all around though, the greasers wont be happy.

>>4892623
>AHOY HOY!
>>IDENTIFY YOURSELF!

>>4892637
>>4892641
>>4892643
>AHOY-HOY!

Writing!

>>4892641
It's up to you, anon! You've got a few lieutenants to go, but none of them seem like they're about to poison the water supply!

... Or ARE they?

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Pondering the rent-a-cop’s words, you shrug as you get comfy in the APSEAT. Man, these are better than the ones in the van for sure! Maybe you can get Gus and Talbot to rip a few ou-

“Err, didn’t you have a call, kiddo?”

Ly’s right--ten bucks says it’s SONNY. Or erm… SUNNY? You never really established that spelling. In any case, you press and hold the SEND button and open with something cute--they’ll like that! And when dealing with a high-powered CEO who might be interested in a SASSY LIL’ GOLD DIGGER, well…

You’re getting ahead of yourself. Cute opening--right. Gotcha. Leaning in to what you assume is the transmitter, you give your listener a polite ‘AHOY HO-’

“PARBLE!!!!”
https://youtu.be/FyHT_Ia0Cyc

You didn’t think it was possible to be launched backwards by HEADPHONES, but you’ve learned a LOT in the past few days. Slamming backwards into the (thankfully) plush seat, you shake the dull whine from your ears as you recognize the gruff, perpetually-angry voice on the other end…

B-Blumenkrantz?

“Were you expecting SANTA CLAUS, you worthless SLIME!?” He spits, tearing apart your eardrums! “I’ve been camped by a radio for an HOUR or so! Did you FORGET something?!?”

Your gaze wanders around the APC, then yourself. No… No, you’ve GOT a bra on! It’s not matching, but those laundry machines are expen-

“You were expected to REPORT, you miserable muskrat! We sent a distraction to the BASE OF THE DAM to support your operation--now you’re telling me you’re RACING instead of being DEAD?! Are you TRYING to PISS ME OFF?!”

You nervously tap your fingers on the dashboard. Does it matter that you won the race?

“... No. No it doesn’t.”

Well great, now that that’s covered, you were just about to call in to the nice robot voice! Where are they, anyways?

“Evidently NOT HERE. GUESS WHO HAS TO TAKE OVER?!”

… Him.

“GOLD STAR, PARBLE. Now listen CLOSELY: you and your TARD TROUPE are wanted back here ON THE DOUBLE! If I hear about any more shenanigans on the way, I’ll make you WISH you died at that dam!”

He’s always so charming. Seems like you caught him in a GOOD MOOD, though--anything you wanna ask or mention while Blumenkrantz is on the line?

>NOPE! Seeya soon!
>Why are you so ANGRY all the time?
>How about I REPORT right now?
>WHY are we wanted back?
>WRITE-IN

>>4892741
>Why are you so ANGRY all the time?

>>4892741
>Why are you so ANGRY all the time?
Especially while we are basically just doing his entire job for him. How many Lieutenants has he killed?

>>4892741
>>Why are you so ANGRY all the time?
>WHY are we wanted back?

>>4892744
>>4892755
>>4892813
>Why you so ANGY

Writing the last update of the evening!

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You’ve got something to ask, alright! Adjusting your HEADPHONES to a more comfortable position, you slap the SEND button down and ask just why the heck he’s so angry all the time!

“WHAT DID YOU SAY?!”

You double down--he heard you! Isn’t all of this bad for his BLOOD PRESSURE or som-

“Repeat that, Parble--I legitimately did NOT hear what you said.”

Oh. Well then. Taking a deep breath, you repeat your question--why is he so pissed all the time? You’ve taken down THREE LIEUTENANTS including the one occupying the FACTORY-- aren’t you due a little KINDNESS by now for doing his job?

You’re answered with a low, rising growl. At its apex, your ears are assaulted by the sound of a sudden metal whine, followed by silence! Erm… Should you wait, or-

“PARBLE. COME IN!”

Flabbergasted, you respond immediately--yea, you read!

“Had to get another radio--they make these things too DAMN flimsy nowadays…”

That’s great and all, you interject, but what was he gonna say before the uh… technical difficulties?

“AS I was saying, that’s part of the reason why your butt needs to get back here--apparently CONGRATULATIONS are in order.”

A smile grows on your face--say, that’s more like it!

“For what it’s worth, FREAK, I commend you on ridding this Earth of that MANIAC HAWKES. Never liked that son of a bitch even before he came back.”

You blink--wait a tic--they knew each other?

“That SHIT-FOR-BRAINS was running the show for all THREE tours I did in ’Nam. If I didn’t DESPISE you so much I’d give you a medal, Parble!”

Alright, now we’re getting somewhere! Bracing your ears for impact, you ask a follow-up--why DOES he hate you so much?

Instead of shouting, you get silence. Just when you’re about to press the SEND button again, Blumenkrantz cuts you off.

“... I’m under contract to not discuss those details anymore, Parble, and I can’t change the past. But know this: your little FIASCO at the CHRISTMAS PARTY was the FIRST and LAST time I would ever allow a lapse in corporate security!”

Sonny’s words echo through your head like a bell--the CHRISTMAS PARTY… Where a BLACKOUT EPISODE resulted in you crushing someone’s windpi-

“There’s no sense in discussing it now,” Blumenkrantz adds with a noticeably less-angry tone in his voice. “Just keep killing those skeletons and I’ll keep these refugee ANIMALS from going stir-crazy and killing each other!”

That’s… Sort of an answer? Looks like you aren’t getting anything from the radio… Anything else before SIGNING OFF?
>NOPE! See you soon, B!
>How IS THE LODGE doing?
>You SURE you can’t tell me any more?
>WRITE-IN

That's all for this evening! I'll be doing errands on Sunday, so expect an update SUNDAY AROUND 2-3PM PST! Thanks again for playing along and go try out that WHAT CHARACTER ARE YOU QUIZ if you haven't already! See ya then!

>>4892844
>WRITE-IN
>I don't like telling people this, but I suffer from dissociative episodes. I don't remember a thing from this Christmas party, but everyone keeps talking about it. What did I do to you?

Please feel very free to vote against this

>>4892856
>>4892844

>>I don't like telling people this, but I suffer from dissociative episodes. I don't remember a thing from this Christmas party, but everyone keeps talking about it. What did I do to you?

This but in Stan's level of eloquence

>>4892844
>I don't like telling people this, but I suffer from dissociative episodes. I don't remember a thing from this Christmas party, but everyone keeps talking about it. What did I do to you?

>>4892856
+1

>>4892856
>>4892864
>>4893036
>>4893127
>Mind running that while CHRISTMAS thing by me again?

Writing!

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Despite Blumenkrantz’ clear desire to drop the topic, something inside of you urges you to continue--to keep digging. Clearing your throat again in preparation, you refuse to back down as you tap the SEND button.

You don’t like talking about it, you begin in a level-headed tone, but you suffer from dystopian episodes--feudal states. Whatever they’re called, they keep you from remembering things and they stopped you from knowing what you did at the CHRISTMAS PARTY.

“... We KNOW you suffer from those episodes, Parble. I read through your doctor’s notes when we decided to hire your sorry ass!”

You can’t help but frown at that--so why can’t he just lay things out for you, then!? Why is everyone so damn obtuse-

“BECAUSE WE CAN’T PUNISH A CRAZY PERSON!” Blumenkrantz snaps, his sudden outburst stinging your ears. You hear a few deep breaths on the other line, then a more measured voice.

“Listen, Parble… You’re off the hook. You got away with it. Let sleeping dogs lie and… And just do your damn job.”

No, you reply, stomping your boot on the floor of the APC! How the hell are you supposed to make amends for this crap if you can’t even remember what you did?! How is keeping you in the dark FAIR?!

Blumenkrantz growls, ready to unload another outburst, but he pauses. “... Why do you care so much, Parble? Why can’t you just drop it?”

Because…

CHOOSE ONE!
>I NEED to know the TRUTH!
>I DID something SIMILAR to my BROTHER.
>I want to MAKE IT UP to YOU.
>WRITE-IN

>>4893993
>I DID something SIMILAR to my BROTHER.

>>4893993
>WRITE-IN
"I want to make it up to everyone I've hurt"

>>4894023
>>4893993

+1 Also cause we need to know the truth

>>4893996
>It's for my BROTHER!

>>4894023
>>4894086
>It's for EVERYONE I'VE HURT!

Writing!

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You pause in response to Blumenkrantz’ question--why indeed? It goes without saying that you wanna reconnect with your brother, but is that really it?

How many other people have you messed with anyways?

You did something similar to your BROTHER, you softly reply. Something that probably wasn’t as violent as the CHRISTMAS PARTY, but something bad enough that he doesn’t wanna talk to you anymore.

If the Chief of Security has anything to say, he holds his tongue. Seeing that as an invitation to continue, you do so.

What you did at the CHRISTMAS PARTY wasn’t the first time you lost control, and you’d have to be really dumb to think that it won’t happen again… You know you can’t go back and change what happened, but with everything going on right now you want to make it up to everyone you’ve hurt, even if it opens up old wounds!

Your plea is answered by a long, tired sigh on the other end of the radio. “You certainly have a knack for timing, Parble… Fine. You want a trip down memory lane? You’ll get one: I’ll set you up with the SECURITY FOOTAGE when you come back, but that’s IT. If you think I’m about to get another memo from HR about ‘Respecting Medical Boundaries’, you can think again!”

You shrug. It’s progress! Wait a minute, though--what if you have ques-

“Then ask your BOSS! Not my damn PROBLEM!” Blumenkrantz snarls! “Not… Not anymore… She’s made so much progress… It…”

You hang onto that last bit--She?

“Just do me a favor for once, freak,” the security chief growls, “and REMEMBER. Write it down if you have to, just…” He pauses mid-sentence. “Just don’t bring it up again…”

The mournful tone in his voice takes you completely off-guard, prompting you to say ‘okay’ without thought.

“Good,” Blumenkrantz growls, his voice regaining its trademark bravado, “Avoid being a PAIN IN THE ASS and we’ll get along much better, trust me!”

That’s a relief. Anything else while he’s on the line?
>NOPE! See you soon, B!
>How IS THE LODGE doing?
>Who is 'SHE'?
>How do I MEET with SONNY AGAIN?
>WRITE-IN

>>4894179
>Who is 'SHE'?

>>4894179
Did we seriously almost kill Blumenkrantz' daughter/niece/something similar?

>>4894179
>NOPE! See you soon, B!
Lets quit poking the bear

>>4894179
>>NOPE! See you soon, B!

>>4894181
>Who is SHE?

>>4894189
>Did I almost kill your relative or something?

>>4894194
>>4894223
Nope! Seeya soon!

Writing!

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You resolve not to piss of Mr. B any more--he’s always pissed off, of course, but you could do with a break from all the animosity for once. As for this CHRISTMAS PARTY situation, you think you’ve got a decent lead to follow… When you have the time, that is.

With nothing else to discuss, you assure Blumenkrantz that your entourage will be there soon along with Denise Venaas and her science experiment Talbot.

“... Figures that pencil neck would fold! And if you’re talking about what I THINK you’re talking about, Parble, you can keep that walking murder machine outside! The people down here are rattled enough without that trenchcoated FREAK stomping around like he owns the place!”

You shrug--Big T probably wouldn’t make it through that BARRIER anyways, but you’ll ask Syb later just in case. Speaking of, you’ve got a LOT more people coming to visit!

“... I don’t care. Just let them know that they’re all on THIN ICE, and guess who’s waiting below for when they break it?!”

You think you’ve heard this one before… Him?

“HAH! Maybe you ARE getting smarter, Parble! Blumenkrantz OVER AND OUT!”

You hear a slam on the other line signalling the end of your conversation. As far as things go that wasn’t really painful!

“He’s gettin’ softer.” Ly remarks as you pop open the door. Sensing your arrival, the Good Boy Goon from before helps you down from the seat.

“Everything go okay, Parble? Err… Connection stable?”

You respond with a weary nod--yep, everything was just dandy. As you’re about to rejoin your friends, you hear the rent-a-cop clear their throat behind you.

“Um… Didn’t mean to eavesdrop, Parble, but if it’s any consolation, well…”

You furrow your brow at the operative. Well?

“Well, Blumenkrantz treats everyone like that… Even if he likes them. So um… Try not to sweat it if he chews you out!”

You shrug--no promises.

“A-also, since I might not get the chance again, could you do me a SUPER HUGE FAVOR?”

Crossing your arms, you raise an eyebrow at the rent-a-cop. Within REASON...

“G-great! No pressure, it’s just that me and the guys are slated to go on patrol in a bit and, well…”

The goon retrieves a BLACK MARKER from his kit and points it to his BACKPACK.

“W-would you mind autographing my helmet? The rest of the squad would love it, especially now that you’ve taken down so many boneheads!”

What say you?
>SURE, Skip! (WRITE-IN DRAWING/SIG)
>SORRY, pal, GOTTA RUN.
>Err… WHAT SHOULD I WRITE?
>WRITE-IN

>>4894269
FUCK. Replace HELMET with BACKPACK. Too impatient to delete this damn post.

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>>4894269
>SURE, Skip! (WRITE-IN DRAWING/SIG)
"Who do I make it out to?"

Gotta know our first big fan!

Drawing is my attempt at a signature, not super attached if someone's got something more Stan

>>4894269
>>SURE, Skip!

>>4894274
seems legit. kek

>>4894274
>>4894290
>SURE, SKIP!

Impressed that you guys actually made Stan's handwriting legible! You spoil her. WRITING!

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Eagerly snatching the pen from the guard’s gloved hand, you grin as you uncap it! No problem at all, you reply, barely containing your excitement!

“Thanks! I know it’s dumb and all, bu-”

Nope, not dumb in the least! Biting your lip to get ahold of yourself, you hold the pen over the rucksack and glance towards the goon’s face. Who do you make this bad boy out to?

“Oh, right! It’s Cal!” Stammers the security guard. “Cal Holiday! With a C!”

Your tongue sticks out from between your lips as you write your first autograph to Cal! The first… Of MANY!

“Please don’t let dis’ go to your head…” Ly groans as you make the finishing touches on a quick doodle! Capping the pen, you hand it back over to Cal and give him a toothy grin--all set!

“Wow! You’re the best, Stan!” Gushes the guard as he looks over your handiwork. “Err… G-good joke! The guys will be so jealous!”

Your grin falters a bit--what joke?

“Y-you’re pretty funny! Anyways, I’ll get out of your hair now--thanks again!”

Giving Cal a polite nod, you return to the heat of the action just in time to catch the end of Art telling a story!

“And it was RAINING bullets--it was like fighting a whole army! Meanwhile Stan’s just ducking and weaving like--oh! Hey, Stan!”

Hey yourself, you reply, taking a spot next to Syb. What did you miss?

“Arthur’s been telling us about your fight at the dam!” Bea answers with a giggle! “You’ve GOTTA join me in the LODGE GYM sometime, Stannie--I’d love to spar with you!”

You wince--even with all the BONE MARROW coursing through you you still feel kinda tired…

“One thing at a time, right Stan?” Sybil smiles, resting her head on your shoulder! “Did your call go okay?”

You respond with a noncommittal ‘eeeh’, prompting Syb to nod knowingly. “Guess we’ll have something to talk about later, then…”

Yep.

Just when you’re getting comfy, Boris comes and ruins everything with a round of boisterous laughter.

“Bumblebee! Survived the tongue-lashing, huh? We were waiting for ya!”

Releasing a resigned sigh, you reach into your pocket for your CHINCHILL PUMP-ACTION. So it’s finally come to this…

“Woah, not that, Stannie! We were gonna take a PICTURE since we’re all together!”

“We could use our phones! It would make for some great Behind-the-Scenes material for the movie!” Eddie agrees!

What say you?
>We actually REALLY have to GO….
>SURE! Let’s do it!
>WHO’S gonna TAKE it?
>WRITE-IN

>>4894373
>SURE! Let’s do it!
"Great idea Boris! You should be the one to take the picture"

That way we won't have to be in one with him

Gonna call it here for tonight--getting pretty wiped. Should have an update ready MONDAY AROUND 11-12PM PST! Thanks again for participating and have a good start to your week!

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>>4894377
>>4894373

This but instead we should not-so-accidentally block out his face in the picture like the Mike Wazowski gag in Monsters Inc.

>>4894373
This >>4894377, with >>4894390 as a backup plan.

>>4894377
>>4894377
>SURE! Let’s do it!
>"Great idea Boris! You should be the one to take the picture"

>>4894377
>>4894390
>>4894424
>>4894455
>SURE! BORIS CAN TAKE THE PICTURE

But if it doesn't work...

>'ACCIDENTALLY' BLOCK HIS FACE! WINK!

Writing!