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/qst/ - Quests

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You are a 4chan anon isekai'd into another world apparently filled with random weirdness, crazy fairies, and sharp-toothed elven waitresses.
What will you make of it?
First for mommy witch
Previously On What The Fuck Quest:

>Update schedule:
At least one large update a day.
Monday through Friday I try to post by 530 UTC
(but often post it hours later when I wake up)
I post additional updates when I can, often on the weekend.

I will answer any questions I can as soon as I can.
>The Quest Rules: Calvinball Edition
>Rule 0: The rules will probably change. You might be informed of the changes.
>Rule 1: This will be a highly narrative quest and therefore stats, abilities, modifiers, and dice rolls will be extremely important. Unfortunately, we don't know what all of them are yet.
>Rule 2: Currently suspended in Jello (lime-flavored)
In order to break the ice, after the first vote of the thread, only "write-in" votes will be accepted by voters with 1 post. This will make complete scents, trust me.
>Rule 3: There are at least four rules and I will not stop this nonsense until we have achieved our goal. We should probably look further into having some sort of goal.
>Rule 4: Many challenges will be settled by opposed rolls where I roll a set of d100 and the players must roll higher on a matching set to succeed or have the enemy fail and I must then somehow justify the results. Modifiers and variations can occur and likely be made up on the spot.
>Rule 5: How the loli/brown loli meter works: As you acquire "Loli Biscuits", you slide the meter in either direction. When the gauge is all the way to the left or right, Gary becomes said Loli. No method of acquiring Loli Biscuits has appeared in the quest.
>Rule 6: All tied votes will be recalculated with the votes that include reasoning being given additional weight (perhaps 20%, so that five reasoned votes would outweigh 6 unreasoned.)
>Rule 7: This quest is from the fixed perspective of Gary. If he is incapacitated for any length of time, there will a Time Skip forward until such time that he may interact.

Any questions? Excellent. Let's go!
Rolled 35, 72, 48, 100 = 255 (4d100)

Since you came to this world, you've faced many challenges and risen to the occasion in most cases. That your strange language ability that lets you understand the locals also grants you the benefit of sidestepping two-thirds of wizardry has helped considerably.
Ileska, despite being an experienced witch and one of the most formidable people you've ever met, has repeatedly been amazed at your natural ability with spellcraft.

So, when you just cast your trusted "Blind" spell and had it completely fail to affect the massive orc bearing down on you, you were alarmed.
That he blocked Ileska’s arrow and nearly blocked your thrown knife, ignoring the wound, hasn't helped.

You watch Ileska roll to the right, rising to a crouch, ready to fire another arrow. Taking her lead, you do the same, rolling to the left and rising to your feet with all the grace, agility, and dexterity that your many years of posting on 4chan has granted you...

As you clamber to your feet, the orc effortlessly slaps you on the back with the flat of his ax, knocking you prone. You manage to scramble and twist, looking behind you, expecting the next blow.

The orc, instead of striking you, preternaturally spun and swatted Ileska's arrow from the air as she fired it at his back. He laughs at her stunned expression.

You had been thinking that the odd red scarf tied around his waist fucks with magic, but now you're wondering if he has some passive abilities.

As you stand, you are silently screaming for Sven to finish tying up the unconscious orc in the inn's kitchen and come out to distract this guy already. The spirit couldn't move his skeletal body hard enough to do damage, but you could really use a tank.

But Sven doesn't show up.
The orc turns from the red-robed witch and strides across the main room of the inn.

But he had forgotten.
You had forgotten.
There is one sacred rule of fantasy world inns.
Never, ever, fuck with the innkeeper.
Even if he is an elf.

The battered and bloodied body of the inn's trader, that had somehow never let go of his sword, sprung to life as the orc stepped past. He leaped to his feet, slicing a deep gash in the orcs left outer thigh, and taking a defensive pose.

Ileska stood behind the possum-playing elf, equally surprised.
The orc turned to face his opponent.
And the elf trader, bruised and bloody... winks at you.

The orc has turned his back to you. What action do you take?

>Choose one and roll 4d100
>Attack!: Smash his skull with your maul!
>Attack!: Take out his right knee with your maul!
>Attack!: Try to stealthily stab him in a vital area with Gwyneth's curved dagger.
>Yoink!: Try to steal his red scarf!
>Magic [Write-In]
>Item [Write-In]

Rolled 30, 48, 80, 65 = 223 (4d100)

>Attack!: Take out his right knee with your maul!
of course he rolled a nat 100
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Gary's character sheet, gloriously devoid of anything resembling an update.
The money is especially inaccurate.
Do you have an empty version of that sheet?
Why were the posts deleted?
This is what I have.
Because posting troll posts outside of /b/ violates the global rules of 4chan.
For the details of the kind of posts you can check out the /qtg/.

I don't mind occasional criticism, insults, or even false accusations of being a different QM but disrupting a quest just to disrupt it because you can keep resetting your IP is trolling.
Keeping the voting and rolling open for a bit longer.
Do you delete all of them yourself or do you just report them all? At this point you should probably find a more permanent solution because this clown just keeps coming back.
Mind rolling and voting as well my dudes ?
Tbh I have no idea what’s going on here. I came from /qtg/ after seeing tThe Last Defender’s shenanigans
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Hehe, yeah. Pretty funny. I was really looking forward to the encounter with the russian, but I guess it won't happen now that the posts have been removed.

I have a feeling he'll be back though...
>Do you delete all of them yourself or do you just report them all?
I lack the ability to delete the posts of others. The prompt deletions are the work of a noble and industrious responder. I'm not sure if it's a janitor or mod. But they do good work.
Announcing reports is also not allowed by 4chan global rules.

>At this point you should probably find a more permanent solution because this clown just keeps coming back.
Dude, I don't have the kind of money to sink into a hitman. Besides, the hitman could then start trolling my quest himself pretending to be new trolls to keep me coming back to him to take care of the "trolls". Classic scam.
You have to think these things through.

Other alternatives include abandoning the quest, which would break my Rule 3, him seeing reason, getting bored, or becoming incapacitated.
The last one seems most likely.

Que sera sera.
>Tbh I have no idea what’s going on here
All you have to do is roll 4d100.
First roll is Gary's.
I'm good either way, but right now Gary is swinging a 30 and needs over 35 to hit.
Rolled 46, 50, 22, 66 = 184 (4d100)

Oh wow back already

>Attack!: Take out his right knee with your maul!

I fukin called it about the innkeeper
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>Knee Cap'n Crunch

As you prepare to swing your maul, Ileska fires another arrow at the orc, at his face this time. He effortlessly blocks the blow.
But in perfect coordination of battle, as the orc raises the ax to block, the innkeeper thrust forward with his sword, managing to pierce the side of the beastman's abdomen.

There is a startling howl of pain and the orc impressively twirls and swings his ax downward. The elf pulls back, but not in time.
The heavy battle-ax clashes into the elf-sized sword, snapping it in two. The elf slips the sharp-tipped broken hilt in his left hand, letting his right fall to the side.

The elf stands his ground in a defensive stance and is staring up at the sneering orc when the main room is filled with the cracking pop of your maul striking the orc's right knee.
The orc drops onto the smashed joint and roars. The massive battle-ax swings around in a wildly powerful arc towards you.

It seems all thought of capturing you has fled his mind. He means to cleave you in two.
You only have a moment to act!
What do you do?

>Choose one and roll 4d100
>Duck!: Dodge the attack by dropping to the ground.
>Block!: He is still telegraphing his attack and you already have your maul up to block it, but can you or it withstand the blow?
>Attack!: Leap inside the arc and jab his side with the maul before the ax swings around.
>Magic [Write-In]
Rolled 89, 30, 54, 91 = 264 (4d100)

>Duck!: Dodge the attack by dropping to the ground.
the rolls, where are they ?
Rolled 63, 28, 49, 16 = 156 (4d100)

They rolled under the couch...
Rolled 55, 83, 3, 72 = 213 (4d100)


Normally I'd bet on block, but this is a strong boi with a big wepon
Dropped my trip picking up my rolls...
My liver won't survive this quest.
it's the first of april thing
>it's the first of april thing
I had forgotten.
Originally, I was going to end the first thread saying that my second thread was going start today.
Not forgetting the name, btw.
Just this the season to be anonymous.
Okay, since I probably can't phonepost today, the update won't be until after 0300 UTC (Uranus Timic Calendar)
I guess voting and rolling will stay open until then.
I'm the thread 0 anon that "shilled" the quest in the qtg. Are we finally back to enjoying the thread? No more shitposting and trolls?
>Are we finally back to enjoying the thread?
We are.

>No more shitposting and trolls?
Well, just the one fecalfeliac-level one with a bizarre fixation. But he only posted a little at the beginning of the second thread and seems to have stopped for now in this one.

I'm a little curious: Where were you in the quest when you dropped out?
Duck confirmed.
I will wash up and start writing.

Seeing the battle-ax swinging towards you, you drop to the ground. You feel the wind as the massive blade passes over you.
You quickly leap to your feet, raising your weapon and readying yourself for the next attack.

The orc finishes his wild swing and, with his face still contorted in rage, raises his ax for a more controlled, aimed swing. He's too close to dodge this one.

But his face suddenly twists into an odd look. From your position, it looks like the elf behind him has stabbed him in the ass with his broken sword.

Another of Ileska's arrows strikes the back of his shoulder. With an awkward limp, the orc twirls and slashes with the ax towards the elf and Ileska.

The elf tumbles to the left, away from the ax and in the opposite direction as Ileska, who is already nocking another arrow. The orc misses but the elf is prone and Ileska is unguarded.

This flanking technique seems to be working but the orc has slowed down a little. His back is once more toward you and his injured right knee is turned away from you.
What do you do?

>Choose one and roll 4d100
>Crush his Skull!: Swing your maul as hard as you can at his head.
>Destroy that right knee!: His knee is on the other side of you (-20 to your roll)
>Smash the other knee!: Strike the knee to further weaken him.
>Steal the red scarf!: Without it, you might be able to target him with magic.
>Magic [Write-In]
Rolled 12, 32, 34, 20 = 98 (4d100)

>Steal the red scarf!: Without it, you might be able to target him with magic.
Now you’re doing it on purpose
Rolled 89, 26, 72, 96 = 283 (4d100)

Rolled 68, 90, 11, 8 = 177 (4d100)

>Crush his Skull!: Swing your maul as hard as you can at his head.

haha skull go crunch
After careful scrutiny by my esteemed panel of wordsmith judges (pic related) it has been determined that "haha skull go crunch" is considered valid reasoning. As such, that vote will be given additional weight to decide the tie.
Update shortly.
Rolled 49, 87, 34, 79 = 249 (4d100)

>Very shortly

You swing your maul at his head as hard as you can, but he moves at the last moment and your blow glances off his shoulder. He swings his massive battle-ax downwards into the elf's body with a loud crunch.

Ileska's arrow pierces his shoulder with enough power to make him stagger on his bad leg. He is weakening, but your numbers are lessening and none of you seem able to tank his blows.

Suddenly, the three of your heads turn as a scarecrow walks into the room and shouts "Hi Target! How can I help?"

What do you do?

>Choose one command for Sven, one action for yourself, and roll 4d100
>"Protect Ileska!"
>"Protect me!"
>"Attack the orc!"
>"Distract the orc!"

>Crush his Skull!: "Haha, skull go crunch!"
>Destroy that right knee!: His knee is slightly on the other side of you (-10 to your roll)
>Smash his shoulder!: Strike his injured shoulder and maybe he'll drop his weapon.
>Steal the red scarf!: Without it, you might be able to target him with magic.
>Magic [Write-In]

Rolled 48, 15, 52, 23 = 138 (4d100)

>"Distract the orc!"
>Smash his shoulder!: Strike his injured shoulder and maybe he'll drop his weapon.

Quick Sven, crouch down!

> Write-in:

Charge the Orc so he falls down over the crouching Sven.
Rolled 100, 97, 67, 32 = 296 (4d100)

MY roll was delayed to fool the RNG
Holy fuck it actually worked.

Anyways, first time player, what a way to come into the quest. Who is Sven?
Sven is a spirit that is helping us
Really? Because I swear to god he was described as a Scarecrow.
he can possess things, be it innanimate or corpses
Excellent. We can get him to possess the Orcs pants and use them to hold him down once the Orc falls over him.
Sven is a spirit that was ordered to find Gary, his Target. Now, his remaining task is to return to his master, which he is choosing to do slowly by accompanying his new friends Gary and Ileska.

>he can possess things, be it innanimate or corpses
Without a body, he can move, see, and hear, but do and say nothing.
Technically, he can only possess bodies of people or animals. Living bodies are extremely difficult because he would have to override the will of the living being, which is close to impossible.
Fresh corpses are great because they have muscles but no will to fight.
Rotting corpses are awful.
Skeletons are useful, but lack strength because he has no muscles or leverage. He's basically floating bones that would pull apart before pushing something else.

His current body is the skeleton of a troll cleaned and wrapped in straw and canvas to look like a scarecrow by the elves of the inn. He has big blue buttons for eyes and is quite pleased with it.

1. He cannot possess pants.
2. The orc is wearing a fur loincloth and not pants.
3. The fur loincloth is to far removed from a body to be possessed.

Creative thinking though. I like it.
Rolled 68 (1d100)

Rolling on crit chart 019
Rolled 83, 71, 57, 55 = 266 (4d100)

>"Distract the orc!"

He can't really attack or defend with twig scarecrow arms

>Smash his shoulder!: Strike his injured shoulder and maybe he'll drop his weapon.

Maybe interrogation is a good idea?
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my post was delayed to fool the RNG
But after the vote is called, you have to fool the QM.
So . . . . If we lobotomize our enemies then he can possess their technically alive corpses?

Because I say we lobotomize this Orc then.
Where was the vote called?
Rolling on crit chart.
Don't think that's a call, rolls just get taken no matter what you voted for.
Fuck that shit then.
Testing phonepost
This is correct.
I haven't called the vote. Yet.
>So . . . . If we lobotomize our enemies then he can possess their technically alive corpses?

>Because I say we lobotomize this Orc then.
Two issues with that.
One is that Ileska is pretty non-violent when not necessary and she might take issue with lobotomizing a captive.
The second and significantly greater issue is that Gary would have to be familiar with the exact method of how to successfully lobotomize a human being in a useful manner, which seems unlikely, and that method would also need to be equally effective on orcs, which also seems a bit unlikely.

But otherwise, that is a clever use of his ability.
> The second and significantly greater issue is that Gary would have to be familiar with the exact method of how to successfully lobotomize a human being in a useful manner, which seems unlikely, and that method would also need to be equally effective on orcs, which also seems a bit unlikely.

It's not like experimenting will hurt us. Us.

Illeska just needs to learn that it's better than having to kill our enemies. Instead, we'll allow them to live out peaceful lives untroubled by their past evils.
>It's not like experimenting will hurt us. Us
Certainly not physically.
Definitely might tweak his frigten and grim/dark levels though.

I am closing the vote now.
It might be a longer update than they have been so far this thread. We'll see.
I should have it up before the night is over, depending on the jiggers of grain alcohol consumed. We'll see.
I mean, more than leaving corpses around? Reduce, reuse, recycle.
Corpses get reduced, reused, and recycled by Mother Earth.
>Corpses get reduced, reused, and recycled by Mother Earth.
"Welcome to the Widewater Inn! Here, if you are Friend, you are considered family. And if you are Foe, you are still considered chum!"
The first step is reduce, though.

So instead of making corpses, we should be making happily lobotimized homes for our ghost fren.
>Spill your guts

"Sven! Distract the orc!" You shout as you charge for your strike.
"Yes, Target!"

The scarecrow-clad skeleton leaps Air-Jorden style at the massive orc's face, clearly intending to grapple his whole head. The orc reaches forward with his good arm and catches Sven.
His canvas-covered limbs flail ineffectively.

You hit the injured shoulder as hard as you can and his orc's arm drops, the battle-ax swings, and there are the disgusting sounds of flesh slicing and entrails sliding out of his abdomen and hitting the floor with a wet plop.

His legs fail him and he crumbles to his knees. Dropping Sven, he futilely clutches the fallen intestines as if he could undo the injury. He looks from you to Ileska and back again with a confused expression as if he can't imagine how he arrived in this state.

When he turns back to Ileska, the powerful arrow she fires through his eye socket into the back of his skull is mercy. He falls backward in a wet thump and Ileska rushes to the fallen elf trader.

"He's alive." She sighs, relieved.
"I think he has some broken ribs but he's breathing. Sven, go ask the others if they can fetch some proper healers. There's not much I can do but keep him stable. Gary?"

You shake your head. You had been starting at the disemboweled orc lying at your feet.
"Perhaps you should check the horses in the carriage house?"
Fuck. You had completely forgotten Horsebro.


You race past the sliced up orc corpses by the front entrance and run to the carriage house. The door has been smashed open.
You carefully enter with your maul raised in preparation for a battle. Two corpses lie on the ground. Next to a battered open stall door.

The two orcs have clearly been trampled to death. Horsebro is calmly eating oats out of a feedbag hanging on the far wall.
His front hooves are covered in gore. He briefly pulls his head out of the bag, looks at you, and whinnies while shaking his head as if to say "Where the fuck were you?"
He calmly returns to eating and you return to the inn.

A stern-looking older elf and a number of others, all dressed in matching brown leather armor, have appeared in the inn and are assessing damages, talking with those that were in the kitchen, and tending to the wounded. The trader has already been taken away somewhere.

Sven is bustling around, trying to make himself useful. You find Ileska in the kitchen where she waves you over to a storeroom.

Inside the cramped little room, you find the orc she had put to sleep earlier. His hands and feet are bound tight, wrapped around a pickle barrel with his head lashed down on top. He looks quite secure.

"I thought we might want to see what he knows before the elves talk to him. They might take him away and not let us listen in. He might have some answers. Are you ready?"
You nod.

With a gentle touch to his forehead, the orc rouses. He quickly struggles and tries to break his bonds, but he is bound tight.
After a couple of moments, he sags.
"What meat want? Why meat does not just kill Mehnk?"
"We have questions for you," Ileska replies.
"Mehnk answer to meat, meat let Mehnk go?"
Ileska looks at you.

How do you respond?
>Promise to let him go and ask the elves to release him.
>Tell him you will ask the elves to let him go, nothing more.
>Promise to let him go. (Lie)
>Promise that you won't kill him.
>Threaten to torture him.
>Use cheap theatrics and armchair psychology to intimidate him.
>Just start torturing him.

>What do you want to ask him [Write-In Questions]
>Promise that you won't kill him.
>Who sent you here ? What did they want ?

Just kill him. What information could an Orc who can barely speak give us? Anything he says would be so garbled, it would be more misleading than ignorance.
> and there are the disgusting sounds of flesh slicing and entrails sliding out of his abdomen and hitting the floor with a wet plop.

The Orc is dead anyways. Just give him a quick death.
it's not the same orc dude. the one we captured was in a battle in the kitchen
>it's not the same orc dude. the one we captured was in a battle in the kitchen

From Thread 2:
>The orc wrestling with Sven has finally managed to extract himself and is kicking and striking Sven away when Ilseka slips her hands onto his face, murmurs something, and he collapses asleep. >Silence falls across the kitchen.
>There is a loud crash in the main room of the inn. Ileska turns to the others and shouts “Tie this one up! Don’t kill him! Sven? Follow us when it’s done.”

That red scarfed orc took an arrow through the brain.
I sed he ded.
>Promise that you won't kill him.
To say that the day got away from me would be underselling it.
Sizable update in the morning, me thinks.
Why is the link deleted ?
Why did you delete the update dude ?
>A little less conversation

"If you answer truthfully, I promise that we won't kill you." You say in a serious tone.

He looks between the two of you and then sighs.
"Mehnk not have choice. Kill Mehnk or not. Let Mehnk go or not. No reason to lie."
Looking up into your eyes he adds "Mehnk will speak truth."

Nodding, you ask "Who sent you here? What do they want?"
"Stupid fairies. Used stupid magic to wind-blow hunters to stupid forest with grabby plants."
He used the phrase "wind-blow" like he expected you to know what he meant.

"Do you even know where we are?" Ileska asks.
"No, not on tribe map."
"Where do you think we are?" She continues.
The orc shrugs. "North? Elf land? Smells like fish-breath."

"Why are you attacking the elf land then?" You ask. "What did the fairies want?"
The orc shakes his head and then answers you.
"Hurrenk don't know why! Hunters just wanted to get away from stupid fairies! Can't fight stupid fairies."
"But you knew the elves live here."
He shrugs again. "Maybe...but never fought any before... Heard elves small and weak. Not know they have ghost-arrows. But stupid fairies have too much magic!"

"What did the fairies want?" You try again.
"You!" The orc tries to point at you with tightly bound hands.
"Stupid fairies say they need princeling. They want princeling and tell hunters to get princeling."
"Tell us why they were looking for a 'princeling'."
"Princelings are rare! Only one born every thousand winters. Princelings are very powerful wizards and warriors. Princelings are so strong that even their father or chief or shaman cannot defeat them! Grack said so!"

"So you came here to catch me because I am a princeling?" You ask.
"Yes! That's it!"
"Why?" You ask, still confused.

The orc sighs but remains silent. Ileska gently pats his hand. "Please tell us." Her voice is soothing and gentle.
He shrugs yet again but continues with his story.

"After stupid fairies wind-blow hunters, fairies tell hunters they want princeling. Hunters laugh at them. Fairies not laugh.
"Grack go off with Dark Fairy Lady. He come back with soft blood belt and say hunters got to go grab a princeling. Okay, if Grack says so.

"But hurrenk hunters not know what princeling Is, so Grack tells us. Mehnk thought it was gold or something because stupid fairies kept calling princeling 'treasure'.
"Dark Fairy Lady uses stupid magic to make tree look like princeling, like you but more...worth fighting? Not bigger... Just princeling seemed to have bigger tusks, even though you all tuskless."

At calling humans 'tuskless' he makes a face at you as if to apologize for awkwardly pointing out your obvious failings as a race. Then he breaks into a distracted smile.
"Hehe... Mooz tried tackling fake magic princeling and hit tree. Dumb Mooz... Mooz dead now. Grack too or he be here, not you. Who hunt with Mehnk now?"
He lowers his eyes to the woven wooden floor. "Stupid fairies."


With a few more questions and a little probing, you confirm that the Dark Forest fairies summoned the orcs. They somehow convinced the orc leader to charge north, hunt you down, and bring you back.
The violence along the way was just their idea of fun.
Unfortunately, they were only told that you were a princeling and not why the fairies want you. You doubt if you can trust what Grack had told the others about you being "mightier than a chieftain" as the truth.

The most interesting piece of information was that you are nearly certain that the fairies were calling you the "Lost Treasure" that you kept hearing about. Of course, that still doesn't make much sense, because you were never here before so you couldn't have been "lost".

Unable to get anything else out of him, you and Ileska let the elves know they have a live prisoner and advise them that you have promised that you wouldn't kill him.
The leader of the leather-clad elves nods, telling you that they "have other things". You decide against inquiring about that exactly means.

You, Ileska, and Sven pack up and say goodbye to the elves fairly quickly. You are relieved to hear that the trader was saved as he was wearing armor that was as well-crafted as it was well-hidden. He should make a full recovery.

The elven waitress gives you a beaming, sharp-toothed smile as she rushes up to say goodbye. She throws herself into a tight hug around you as she thanks you for saving her. Her head barely reaches your chest and you awkwardly pat her head and back as Ileska chuckles at you.

The girl gifts you a large ceramic crock with a tight lid containing a fresh batch of fish stew to take with you. This prompts her own hug from Ileska and it is your turn to chuckle at the red-robed witch clutching the tiny waitress.


The three of you ride north away from the elf lands and manage to avoid encountering anything else interesting all day.
The sun sets behind the mountains and soon after, the moon rises over the horizon and you reach the edge of a large field. Sven points to a house on the left side of the field. "Target and Ileska! That seems like a safe place where you can stay and sleep tonight. I can stand watch!"

A brief inspection of the small house reveals that it was abandoned long ago and there is evidence that various travelers have been staying here every so often, old fire pits, discarded bottles, etc.

The three of you settle in to stay in the abandoned farmhouse for the night. Late that night, Sven stands outside to guard while you lay out your bedrolls and Ileska is carefully cleaning the last morsels of fish stew out of the crock.

You lean on the window sill, staring out across the moonlit field when a small rustle in the leaves catches your attention. A squirrel scurries across the ground, leaps up onto the window right near you.
It regards you disdainfully for a moment before it hops down, scampers onto your bedroll and settles down, staring at Ileska expectantly.

Ileska has mentioned before how fond she is of field mice and you know that she had said she could speak to them, but it still surprises you to see her engage in a full-on Disney Princess conversation with a squirrel.
It's a pretty one-sided conversation too. It kinda reminds you of childhood talks on the phone with your grandmother.

"Yes... Thank you... That's good to know... Yes... Thank-... Thank you... Well, I... Of course... And you as well..."
The entire time, the squirrel is chittering away very animatedly at her. And then abruptly stops, scampers back through the open window, and disappears into the moonlit night.


"He said the field mice saw the orcs attacking the elves. He mentioned that they were being led by a fairy wizard, but he left before the attack on the bridge. The orcs might be dealt with for now, but that wizard could still be tracking us."
"We'll have to be careful. Say, was that really all he said? He seemed... agitated."
"...Gary? Do you trust me?"

Something about the drained expression on her face makes you stop and really think about the question.
In the short time you have been in this world, Ileska has been more valuable to you than anything. She has helped you more than you ever could have expected and has been the best friend you have ever had or could ever imagine.
Even just sitting on her bedroll talking, you feel more comfortable and at ease, with her, than you have with anyone before.

You sit down on your bedroll and look her into her lovely eyes.
"Yes, of course I trust you Ileska. I trust you completely."
"Then trust me when I say this..." She lets out a long, tired sigh.
"Never talk religion with squirrels. Just nod, smile, and agree with whatever they say. Most animals don't even understand religion, but squirrels are simply zealous fanatics. ...Well, goodnight Gary."

You are left to sit and wonder about all of that as she drifts off to sleep.
Seriously, what the fuck?


You, Sven, and Ileska ride through the next day along the road north. You encounter a party of several soldiers in splint mail patrolling along roads leading westward. They are armed with spears and crossbows.

Their leader is a handsome knight with a thick mustache. When you bring up the attack on the inn, he smiles and waves his hand dismissively.
"It was probably bandits, not orcs. We've never had any reports of orcs coming from the south."
Seeing your reaction, he adds "Still though, we should confirm. Raf? See to it that the garrison knows of our detour."

With that, the soldiers head south, leaving one soldier to accompany you north. He wears a helmet and is silent as you continue on your way. It's kind of creepy.

Eventually, you come upon a group of villagers standing in the middle of a forest clearing on the east side of the road. There is a thin east beyond leading to the east. They have a table with bushels and jars and a large crock over a campfire.

You see a brown-haired woman sitting at the table knitting. She looks about the size of an elf but definitely has human ears and teeth. There are a few other villagers in the bushes by the treeline that notice your appearance, but they do not move from their spots.

The man approaches the woman.
"I am Raf, Soldier of the Southwall Garrison. My company has been patrolling in response to a report of some goblin activity in this area." He bows slightly and speaks softly so as not to alarm the other villagers.
"Have any of your people seen anything unusual?"
"No, nothing like that." The woman replies.

She offers you clean water and tells you that they are selling fresh soup and mushrooms. You accept the food and water. It tastes good but very odd.
Ileska assures you that it'perfectly safe mushroom soup. You've never had anything even remotely similar to this before.
You keep swirling it on your tongue, trying to place the flavor while watching the soldier. He keeps awkwardly walking to his horse back as if he's trying to decide if he should wait for you and Ileska to finish or just ride on.

Suddenly, a young boy runs up to the woman and shouts "Momma! The crypt is knocking again! Two, three, five, seven, and eleven, over and over again!"

What do you do?
>Investigate!: Ask the villagers about what is going on.
>Run Away!: Nope, you got enough going on without another side quest.
>Refuse the Call: Quietly slurp your soup and only speak up if there's something life-threatening.
Dropped my trip and I spotted a typo I've been trying hard to avoid.
>Investigate!: Ask the villagers about what is going on.
Alright, glad you’re alive dude
Five by five and making popcorn in a stainless steel pot.
>Investigate!: Ask the villagers about what is going on.

It's gonna need to be us with our polygot ability. Whatever is knocking doesn't know the local language, so it's cycling through the first 5 prime numbers to demonstrate sentience. We should be able to converse with it.
Rolled 42 (1d100)

Working on the update and I feel like I should use an opposed roll for Gary's response to the knocking.
Can I get a 1d100?
Rolled 33 (1d100)

You can get a couple of homemade fuck offs you fucking prat.
Rolled 44 (1d100)

Minor failure.

Barely a success.

I can work with that.

Homemade? You needn't go through all that bother. Cheap, store-bought ones are fine.
>Ready for prime time players

"How long has this knocking sound been going on?" You ask, approaching the woman.
She shrugs. "Maybe a few weeks, maybe a month or more. There haven't been any other disturbances, so we thought it a passive spirit."
You look at the boy and think about the numbers of knocks he said. It has to be prime numbers.

"I think I recognize that pattern. I think something intelligent is trying to communicate. If it's okay, can we have a look at the crypt?"
The woman looks at you and your leather armor, glancing at Raf before answering. "Of course, sir."

You walk with her along the path towards the village. As you approach the woman adds "We hadn't thought to trouble anyone with it. Our walls keep us safe from any ogres or goblins that might bother other nearby villages. Our troubles seem small."

You expect Raf to comment something like "There are no small troubles!" or something, but he's just following you silently alongside Sven. At least Ileska seems curious.
"I'm sure Gary can help. He is a traveler from a distant land and has many skills and unexpectedly diverse knowledge." She offers to the woman.

When you reach the village, you understand what she meant about the walls. Unlike other town walls you've seen, these are twenty feet high, three feet thick, and look to be solid stone.
Actually, upon closer look, they resemble poured concrete, unweathered despite seemingly very old. Decades worth of ivy and plant growth cling to its surface, but you see no sign of cracks or crumbling.

The village inside the walls is exceedingly mundane and humble. They seem only slightly more well-off than Anna's village.

Walking through the village, catching a few stares find yourself in a modest graveyard, at the center of which is a large mausoleum that seems to be made of the same stone as the village walls.

The woman doesn't hesitate to open the simple wooden door but stands aside for you to enter. Behind it lies a dark room filled with stone coffins.

There are no windows or doors in the room, only stone walls and coffins. The coffins are fashioned much more crudely, and of a different stone than the walls. Much of the floor of the crypt is covered with cobwebs and dust.

Looking around you don't see anything out of place. Nor do you hear any knocking or anything else for that matter.
You are wondering if you have wasted everyone's time when suddenly there is a loud pair of knocks that seem to be coming from all around you, from the walls themselves.

You slowly turn around and confirm that the continued knocking is definitely resonating from deep within the crypt walls. The sound isn't even muffled by anything. It's as clear as a voice calling to you from the next room.

The walls of the crypt are thinner than the village walls, maybe five inches thick. There doesn't seem to be any way for there to be a secret passage through them or anything.
What the fuck is causing the knocking?


You closely examine the stone walls as the knocking goes through the sequence. You think you see some faint engravings on one wall but they are so shallow and worn over time that you can't even make out anything. They look like they could have been numbers.

When the knocking stops after eleven knocks, you quickly pick up your maul and gently tap out the next number in the sequence of prime numbers. Thirteen. When you finish, you wait patiently to see if there's any reaction.

Many moments go by without anything happening and you're not sure if you should tap out the next number in the sequence or not. Suddenly everyone watching you work from outside jumps as there's the cacophonous sound of a massive stone grinding against another stone.

Suddenly, the floor just beneath you gives way and you, along with the nearest stone coffin, tumble into a dark stairwell.

As you plummet uncontrollably, you can't help but panic. There is a strange, warm sensation that washes over your skin that feels unnatural but somehow comforting.
The stone coffin careens off the stairs and slams into your body, smacking you into the wall, dropping you on a stone landing, and landing on top of you with a thunderous crash.

You find yourself lying on a cold stone floor. There are the shattered remains of a stone coffin, and presumably a corpse lying on top of you uncomfortably.
You attempt to crawl out, but you find yourself unable to move out from under the weight. Honestly, you are just happy and slightly confused that you aren't broken, bleeding, and paralyzed.

All around you are the cold stone stairs leading deeper into the bowels of this place. The walls and stairs all seem to be made of the same stone.

Ileska and Raf quickly descend the stairs and help remove the pieces of the broken stone coffin off of you while Sven watches from further up the stairs, providing moral support.
Ileska is amazed that you are unhurt once you are freed from the stone rubble. She insists on checking you over, twice. But, she confirms you are just a little scratched up.

Finally leaving you be, Ileska lights some mage fire and looks around. She tells you that Doris, the brown-haired woman apparently, said that nobody in the village had any idea that there was anything under the crypt.

You find that you are on a landing on the stairwell that there is a doorway leading to a tunnel that goes to the left and right.

There is a distant sound like metal scraping on a stone in an almost pulsating manner further down the darkened stairs. Through the doorway, the tunnel to the left is dark and quiet while the tunnel to the right has dim light and the faint sound of footsteps.

>Investigate the footsteps.
>Explore the dark tunnel, whynot?
>Delve deeper and go down the stairs.
>"Let's split up gang!" [Who goes where]
>Run Away!: Go back upstairs, get some torches, form a full team of adventurers, hire some henchmen, call Indiana Jones, etc.
>Investigate the footsteps.
>Investigate the footsteps.

Damn I thought they'd just tap back 17 not do all this
>Damn I thought they'd just tap back 17 not do all this
That's understandable. When someone says "Knock, knock", it's reasonable to assume that they want to tell you a joke. You might not guess that they're just trying to get you to say "Who's there?"
I'm going to go ahead and close the vote. I have no idea if I'll be able to work on the update in the next six hours or so, but I should be able to post it after 0300 UTC again.
That might become my regular M-F schedule.

>I walk along darkened corridors.

You decide to follow the tunnel towards the noise of footsteps. Ileska walks beside you holding out her mage fire while Raf and Sven walk behind the two of you about a pace away.
The air feels so cold down here that you are surprised that you can't see your breath.

You walk along the featureless stone corridor until you reach a doorway at the end of it. There is dim blue light coming from beyond so you peer through and see a large stone hallway.

You cautiously step forward and peek through the opening. A long hallway stretches ahead of you and you can see a blue glow emanating from a doorway at the far end of the hall.

There are many tunnels extending outward from the hallway, some inclining up and some sloping down.
When you pass one of the tunnels sloping down, you seem to hear the footsteps down the dark tunnel.
After pausing to listen for a moment, you hear only silence and are no longer sure it came from this tunnel.

You continue walking along the corridor until you reach the doorway at the end of it. It opens into an enormous stone chamber with an oddly shaped clear crystalline box with multiple sides along the far wall, sitting open and empty.

"Breathtaking! I've never seen anything quite like it!" Raf whispers in awe, roughly doubling the number of words you've heard him say.
"Nor have I, Soldier called Raf."
You and Ileska share a look and speak at the same time.
"We have."

The blue light is emanating from the dozens of hundreds of crystals embedded in the walls of the room. It is just like the cavern you found underneath the Dark Forest where the Ice Clan woman was.

"Didn't she say she had a sister?" You ask Ileska, ignoring the curious looks that Raf and Sven are giving you both.
Ileska shakes her head.

"She can't be here though. She possessed and "utterly consumed" my-" she says grimly, stopping short and glancing at you and the others before continuing.
"My belief is that she is currently in the body of the leader of the Dark Forest fairies and can't be here now."

A few paces away from the box is what looks to be a giant semi-circle, cracked-egg-thing made out of that same cement-stone material. One lone crystal rests upon it casually.

It isn't until Ileska walks to and picks up the crystal to examine it that you realize that the stone thing is supposed to be some kind of seat, like a modern art bench or chair.

File: Spoiler Image (116 KB, 761x1254)
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116 KB JPG

Suddenly, you hear the footsteps from earlier clearly racing down one of the tunnels. Scambling back to the tunnel, you quickly explore down its dark length as the sound of fleshy feet slapping stone becomes clearer.

A pale white, nude figure bolts from around a corner. It is a solid white, smooth, and featureless humanoid with roughly the build of a small, flat woman.
It is holding what looks like a metal staff with a tuning fork at the end.

She, or it, points a finger at you. A previously unseen mouth opens up and a high voice like that of a child or girlish woman speaks urgently.
"Where is it? Where is the exit?"
"What?" You reply, stunned.

The creature looks from you to Ileska, to the crystal in Ileska's hand. It looks down to its empty hand and back to her, extending the empty hand.
"Oh! Please be careful with that!" It squeals.
"It's my favorite one! I didn't mean to leave it!"
Ileska just stares at the creature, shaking her head. "I'm sorry, I-"

"Stay back abomination!" Raf shouts, knocking Sven to the side as he draws his longsword and brandishes it at the creature.
The creature holds out the metal staff and replies "What, the fork?"

>Stop Raf.
>Let this play out, whynot?
>Ignore Raf like he doesn't matter and explain to Ileska about the crystal.
>Run Away!: Show the creature where the exit is by fleeing like a scared child.
>Stop Raf.
calm this dude down and the explain about the crystal to ileska

>calm this dude down

Two more pillars of blue light appear from behind the right side of the crystal box. They engulf it in a red beam of energy. It is exactly the same size and has the same stalactite shape around it. As you approach, the big crystal pivots on a white column behind you. It bobs from side to side while emitting blue light. When you get close enough to the crystal, the bobs stop and two new ones rotate in. These don't seem like they will be much of a threat, so you do not stop. You poke at the crystal and again get some blue light. Suddenly, it begins to glow and and flip into the air before beginning to fall apart. A massive explosion rings out as the creature slams the staff into the wall. After being blasted, there is a second column of red light emerging from the left side of the crystal box.

You tell Raf to calm down.
"Oh! It's too late!" he shouts before stepping back and raising his arms to the sky.

You glance around in surprise. The room is now empty save for the staff and four glowing crystals. Ileska seems to be petrified and is pinned to the ground.

"Ileska, are you OK?"
She doesn't answer.

Raf stands up and walks over to her and touches her on the shoulder. You hear him whispering something in hers ear, but you can't make it out.

>Stop Raf
>Search for the creature
>Check if anything is wrong with Ileska
>Stop Raf.

bruh chill
>Search for the creature

I notice Ileska disappears or gets paralyzed a lot.
>Stop Raf
What are you whispering to her, dude
>I notice Ileska disappears or gets paralyzed a lot.
Yes, it’s a common trope
File: tick1-05.jpg (23 KB, 300x225)
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What the fuck.

Check the trip.
It ain't me, it ain't me, I ain't no J7CPNWMkVs

Remember guys. NV6sI1ftJoh

1 foot JoH
1 foot Journey of Hope
That's a short trip.
Like this quest's descent into madness.

Looks like the trolls are trying to get creative is all.
oh man o wow
I was so annoyed that there was an update 30 sec before I posted that I didn't even check the deets
he's no fortunate son
>skipped line before greentext
>greentext is actual choice and not "pithy" reference to something
>Gary ignores current conflict between Raf and the creature to first go poke a box
>everyone else just sits and waits
>Then Gary finally says calm box
>no option to Run Away!

The randomness wasn't out of place though. D+ effort overall.
Holy moly, an enemy spy in our ranks
>Holy moly, an enemy spy in our ranks
Do you think there's any chance we could flip them into becoming a double agent?
Or should we go the old Spy vs Spy booby trap route?
>I notice Ileska disappears or gets paralyzed a lot.
At least three times it was totally rng.
I remember even hanging a lampshade on it with Gary muttering something like "if she got turned into a tree again..." in an unchosen option.

It's the dangers of traveling with an MC.
considering your style, the later https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AlSZnik5Hpo
Okay two votes for stopping Raf.
Gonna go walk a dog, not a dinosaur, and close the vote when I get back. Gonna try to write a quick one *before* 0300 UTC today. We"ll see.
So, I decided to stick to my previously established schedule of *after* 0300.
Decided, yeah, that's the ticket, I'm totally in control and making all kinds of decisions, yeah...

Anyway, writing and proofing.
>The Mysterious Stranger

You stand between Raf and the creature, holding up your hand to stop him.
"She- it doesn't understand! It just wants us to tell it where the exit is."
The soldier lowers his weapon slightly, but not all the way. He turns his head back and forth from you to the creature, as if uncertain.

Confident that the over-eager soldier won't immediately strike, you turn to Ileska.
"And it wants the crystal you're holding, Ileska."
"Gary? You can understand- Ah. Of course you can."

Ileska turns to the creature and gently extends the crystal to its outstretched hand. The soft, white squishy skin-flesh of its hand clasps the crystal.

It tilts its eyeless and noseless head and makes a small smile with the opening that is its mouth. You get a sense of it being a friendly smile, but that makes it no less creepy to look at.
"Thank you, Gary." It says, making you blink as you hear your name.
Then it turns to Ileska.
"And thank you, Ileska."

Ileska looks at you with wide eyes.
"Did she just say our names?"
"Uh, yeah. She- it did. It thanked us."

You turn back to the creature.
"Do you know who we are?"
"Not at all, Gary. I am not even sure what you are. Although, I am reasonably certain that you are not gremlins."
"But, how did you know our names?"

It opens its mouth in an odd little circle, then closes it.
"...because you both just said them? I cannot make out the corrupted form of flametongue that you spoke, but I could discern the tonal pauses for names. I am very intelligent, Gary."

You aren't entirely sure how to respond to that, so you simply ask the creature what its name is.
"I am called Ohm the Least Objectionable." It says with unmistakable pride. "Will you please take me to the exit now, Gary?"

Hesitating, you turn and translate for the others. Ileska raises an eyebrow at Ohm's title.
Raf immediately objects to the idea of showing Ohm out.

"We have no idea what that thing wants or what it will do when it leaves. It could have been kept here as a prisoner for a reason. We can't just let it loose to haunt the villagers!"
"Calm down, Raf." You say, turning back to Ohm.


"Sorry about him. We just have some questions about you and this place."
"If I answer your questions, will you then take me to the exit?"
"Why don't you know where the exit is?"
"The Goddess hardly ever left or came back and I was never near enough when she did to tell where the exit was or how to open it from the inside."

"But I heard the stone resonate with thirteen knocks when she entered from the outside."
"Is that why you were knocking the first five prime numbers, to get someone to knock thirteen times?"
"I have not heard them referred to as 'prime' before, but yes."

"What will you do when you get outside?"
"I don't know. I've never been outside, but I'm very curious. The Goddess said I might be useful for something later, but she has not been back and I would like to leave."

"Is this 'Goddess' a member of the Ice Clan, a crystalline woman?"
"Those words could be used to describe her, yes. She is the creator of all of this, but not of all things. She constructed this place, Guardian, Snake, and I. We are her constructs."

"Um, who are Guardian and Snake? Are they down here? Are they like you? Will they talk to us?"
"Oh, no. They do not speak. The Goddess destroyed nearly all of the constructs before she left and all the others who could speak.
"She saved me because-"

"Because you were the least objectionable one and might be useful for something later?" You guess.
"Yes," Ohm replies with pride again. "You are not without intelligence, Gary."

"Uh, thanks. So are Guardian and Snake friendly like you?"
"Am I friendly?" Ohm seems to think for a while. "I don't think they are friendly. They are not friends. But they are not foes. Guardian was told to protect this place from intruders.
"But since you opened the door, I don't consider you intruders. Snake just chews up living things like rats and gremlins."

"I'm not sure if that's how 'being an intruder' works. He might- Wait. Did you say 'living things'?"
"Yes. Snake wanders and chews up all living things like animals, they usually get in through the lower levels. It shouldn't be a problem. Unless... Are you, Ileska, and the other two living things?"
Ohm turns its head as if to look at you all despite lacking eyes.
"I imagined living things having much more energy than me. How surprising."

"Okay," You interrupt. "Two quick questions, how big is Snake?"
"About three and a half heads high, twenty heads long."
"I see. Thank you." You say, controlling your panic well.
"And can you stop either Guardian or Snake?"
"Oh, no. Not at all. We have no control over each other and they are both much larger than I."


You turn to Ileska, Sven, and Raf. You're not exactly sure how to explain that there are a Guardian and a Snake in these tunnels that might attack you or "chew you up".

>Explain the situation to the others and discuss your options.
>Explain the gist of the situation while walking to the exit in a calm and orderly fashion.
>Lie to Ohm about where the exit is and ditch it as you exit.
>Run Away!: No time to talk, just run!
>Explain but bravely stay to explore anyway damn it.
>Withhold the information for some reason and then do [Write-In]
>Explain the gist of the situation while walking to the exit in a calm and orderly fashion.
>Explain but bravely stay to explore anyway damn it.

We can tame the Snek
Rolled 62, 60 = 122 (2d100)

Damn. I was just about to close voting and ask for a role. I'll give it a couple more hours to close the vote but either way I'll need a 2d100.
Stop abusing your power as a janny.
Rolled 93, 16 = 109 (2d100)

Rolled 4, 19 = 23 (2d100)

Not me.
I don't even own a mop.
You are a member of 4chan’s staff and it’s time you acted like it instead of being a crybaby who deletes any negative post made about you.
>You are a member of 4chan’s staff and it’s time you acted like it instead of being a crybaby who deletes any negative post made about you.

What part of that isn't acting like a member of 4chan staff?
>You are a member of 4chan’s staff
No more than you are a ficus.
I still lack the ability to delete posts besides my own.
Posting your beliefs and delusions on 4chan doesn't make them true, anon.

>deletes any negative post made about you.
Kind of you to post the evidence that disproves your own claim.

To whatever lovely janitor/mod who has been deleting the insane, disruptive posts quickly and efficiently:
1. Thank you.
2. Please leave this negative post up as it seems neither be neither a troll nor complaining about quest progression.

There. Now that that is settled, I'm going to go brush snow off my car.
And we can leave this matter behind us.
I don't see any further reason to continue discussing this here.

Closing vote when my toes have warmed up.
>Posting your beliefs and delusions on 4chan doesn't make them true, anon.
Denying the claims and well thought out speculations of several people does not make them false. We can argue like children all day.

>To whatever lovely janitor/mod who has been deleting the insane, disruptive posts quickly and efficiently:
1. Thank you.

No need to thank yourself

>2. Please leave this negative post up as it seems neither be neither a troll nor complaining about quest progression

I guess you’re putting that one on your reminders app so that you don’t delete my post in a fit of rage.

>And we can leave this matter behind us. I don't see any further reason to continue discussing this here.

As long as you keep abusing your power and doing wrong, there will be people who will call you out and set things right. This all stops when your maturity exceeds that of a middle school student.
>a member of 4chan’s staff and it’s time you acted like it instead of being a crybaby
First week here?
If hotpockets was actually deleting your posts it would be the most productive thing they did in ages
There's going to be a bit of a delay on the update gents. My car got locked in over a three-day weekend. So I'm walking home.
I am home and can now feel my toes and have no chilblains.

Also, I realized that I never closed the vote.
Re calculating:
>Explain the gist of the situation while walking to the exit in a calm and orderly fashion.

>Explain but bravely stay to explore anyway damn it.
>We can tame the Snek

Bravery wins.
Please get off your phone and stop schizo posting, we all know it's you.
>Please get off your phone
>1 post ID
File: hmm.png (2 KB, 164x37)
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Really makes you think
I don't even know the character background or plot. I fed your last post to a neural network and generated a random text. Your players couldn't even tell the difference with your actual posts. This proves that you are, indeed, me.
If it isn’t the QM who crashed his Quest, with no survivors
>Snake handling

You explain to the others what Ohm said about the Guardian and Snake but then go on to say that these tunnels and caverns could have extremely valuable information stored on the crystals or powerful artifacts or things used by the Ice Clan woman before she left.
You feel it's worth exploring it and you're brave enough to try.

Sven and Ileska stand with you and Raf stays silent but nods and keeps his sword at the ready. You ask home to show you where some of the most useful crystals or tools might be so that you might be able to take them to the surface with you.

She agrees but again says that she would just like to leave as soon as possible. She turns around and starts taking you down back the other way of down the tunnel opposite from the way you came.

The corridor twists and turns for a little while gently sloping downwards. Not too long after you started walking you hear loud footsteps racing behind you.

Spinning about, you see a bulky figure charging towards you, bound in tight red leather wearing a smooth black stone helmet and chest armor. Ohm shouts "Guardian! Stop! They are not intruders!"

The rushing armored Guardian does not slow or respond to Ohm's shouting. Ileska wastes no time and throws her mage fire at his head with a direct hit to the head that it completely ignores.

It reaches you quickly and raises a massive leather fist. Sven dutifully leaps onto the fist, effectively transforming the creature's arm into a giant oven mitt.

Raf doesn't waver now and hacks at the Guardian's neck between the helmet and the armor. You ready your maul for a clear chance to attack.

Raf may be lacking in social skills, but his sword arm is good. With one deft swing, he skillfully avoids Sven but manages to slice most of the way through the creature's neck.

Unfortunately his sword gets stuck in the leathery meat of the creature and he can't pull it free. The creature grips him with its free arm and tries to grapple him as best it can with Sven hanging on his arm.

Its head shifts and then dangles from the thin flap of leathery flesh still holding it attached. As Raf pulls his sword free, you violently swing your maul at the flailing head.

Your blow solidly strikes the still helmeted head and it flies free detaching from the neck. The creature's body halts, falters, and falls down motionless.

Raf gives the body a few experimental jabs with his sword before turning to you and nodding. Ohm is standing close to Ileska who has summoned more mage fire.

Rolled 37, 82, 91, 98, 83 = 391 (5d100)


"See? We can handle this." You say. "If the snake shows up, maybe we can even tame it."
Ileska gives you a doubtful look before turning to follow Ohm down the tunnel.

When the tunnel ends in a large cavern with more crystals on the wall, Ileska and Ohm step forward into the room. Ohm quickly looks to the left and as you hear a loud scraping of metal against stone, Ohm turns and shove Ileska back into the tunnel.

Ileska staggers backward surprised, gripping Ohms metal tuning fork staff. A massive metal shape flies by, snatching Ohm.

Inside the room you see a massive, four-foot-wide, twenty-foot-long steel around with an eyeless pointed head slither around the room. It coils and turns, facing you.

Its tail splatters a disgusting white slurry behind it, what remains of Ohm. Its pointed head opens to reveal a gaping mouth as large as its body, filled with hundreds of gyrating, spinning, and swirling steel blades that make a garbage disposal look like a Furby.

The blades continue down to a foot wide tube of undulating metal spikes.
As big as it is, you are pretty sure it can easily fit in the tunnel you are in.

It starts to uncoil and rush towards you.
What the fuck are you going to do?

>Choose one and roll 5d100
>Attack!: Seriously? Okay, how? [Write-In]
>Run Away!: Flee back down the tunnel. (Remember, you don't have to run faster than the snake, just faster than Raf)
>Tame the Snek!: No, seriously, How? [Write-In]
>Magic [Write-In]
Rolled 100, 94, 84, 38, 64 = 380 (5d100)

>Run Away!: Flee back down the tunnel. (Remember, you don't have to run faster than the snake, just faster than Raf)
time for strategic fall back also damn rolls OP
File: CrazyPeople.jpg (21 KB, 420x307)
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Ah yes, the amazing similarities are obvious proof of something alright.
Pic related.

In my players' defense, I have well-conditioned them, through visions and illusions, to accept random nonsense. I get the feeling that they are always curious to see where I'm going. I know I am.
But my nonsense is curated random nonsense.

Let's take this image for example. Some people might assume I used it to illustrate a crazy person comparing two things that aren't really similar, meaning that our posts weren't really similar.
And that's true.
It also happens to be the scene in Crazy People where the ad executives realize that they don't just insane ideas to continue their popular Truth in Advertising campaign, they need curated insanity:

Layered meaning and nuance.
Like someone mocking Gary for meditating with a crystal trying to "get in touch the elements of earth, fire, and wind", but not water, because their phobia makes it difficult to even say the word.
The devil's in the details, baby.
>also damn rolls OP
Yeah, that was supposed to be a joke about Raf in the options, not foreshadowing.
at least we got a crit
Rolled 21, 80, 13, 36, 63 = 213 (5d100)

>Tame the Snek!: No, seriously, How? [Write-In]

Conjure an illusion of a giant metal mouse. And also play that soothing arabian music snake charmers use.
Rolled 36, 84, 57, 19, 38 = 234 (5d100)

“Walls of stone slam together to crush my enemy.”
Rolled 2 (1d3)

I am alive and so is the quest.
There has just been a bit of a poisoning and subsequent orthostatic hypotension.

Also, it was hard to decide if "to crush my enemy" as part of an action's description counts as "reasoning" or not.
My esteemed panel of judges says that it counts this time.

1. Strategic fall back

2. An illusion of a giant metal mouse

3. Magic walls of stone slam together
um don't forget the soothing arabian music
File: 2.jpg (176 KB, 500x500)
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176 KB JPG
Fun fact:
That music does nothing to soothe real-life snakes.

Additional fun fact:
Gary is not encountering a real-life snake.
I hadn't thought of that.
This could be interesting.
Well, that crit will come in hand. Are you rolling for that strange chart of yours ?
Rolled 94 (1d100)

Oh, right, rolling on chart 004.
>Snake charming

Time seems to slow as the massive metal rushes towards you. Ileska runs past, clutching Ohms staff to her chest and give you a sidelong glance as you stand in place.

Raf scrambles and turns around, desperate to get away. His boots slip upon the smooth stone floor and he falls forward, sprawling.

Looking back in terror in expectation of the snake bearing down upon expectation, he instead sees Sven tripping over him and failing to help the soldier up.

You've calmly removed your wand now and are pointing it at the snake.
You confidently utter the words "Conjure an illusion of a giant metal mouse. ...Play that soothing snake charmer's music."

A giant metal mouse, over two feet high appears In front of you a few feet from you. A wind-up key sticks from its side an unseen wheels spin start to roll the mouse in odd little circles around the tunnel.

The entire time this goes on, that classic snake charmer music plays in the air soothingly. The snake seems to waver between you gently waving your wand soothingly, Raf frozen still on the floor, Sven standing and failing to lift him and the mechanical metal mouse darting to and fro.

Less soothed or calm, the snake seems to be confused between living prey swaying to calm sounds, seemingly living prey seemingly covered by metal, seemingly dead prey covered by dead cloth, and common prey acting like common prey but ignoring Snake while covered in metal.
It suddenly gained clarity when the mouse swerves daringly close to the snake.

The snake launches towards the mouse, full strength with its pointed mouth open. Its programmed snake instincts take fully over and its head slammed hard as possible into the side of the tunnel.

Blades spark and fly off, the snake pulls back, still functional, but no longer hunting. It's just swaying back and forth.

Rolled 81, 69, 22, 10, 44 - 11 = 215 (5d100 - 11)


"By the Bright Lady, Gary! It's swaying to that strange music...
"Whatare you? I mean, wasn't that just a construct mindlessly obeying a command to grind up living things?" Ileska, far back in the tunnel but edging closer, continues. "And now you have it dancing for you? How?"

"I'm not actually sure..." You can feel the power of the illusion draining away from you. "Can I? Ileska, can I dismiss the mouse but keep the music if they were the same spell?"
"No, but you might start an abbreviated second spell right after. Why? What will the snake do if you stop playing?"
"I have no idea at all."

While you take a moment to work out the spell, Raf and Sven move the far end of the tunnel. Ileska examines the tuning fork staff Ohm had been carrying.
"Oh, poor Ohm. All she wanted was a taste of freedom and she never even got to see what's beyond the top of the stairs."

Releasing the spell you immediately cast "Keep playing that music."

The mouse disappears without breaking the song, and the spell much less power is draining, but it can't last forever. You have to do something.

Raf suggests bashing the beast to pieces, but you doubt there's time for that. Or any other clever option, except one:

The Snake is enchanted.
Enchantments are based on harmonics.
So is music.
Perhaps when the snake hit its head, the harmony of the song affected how it behaves.
Perhaps you can give it a new, simple command.
But what should you do?

>Choose one and roll 5d100 to be safe.
>Attack!: Break the snake while it's not fighting back.
>Run Away!: Make your escape while it is distracted.
>Magic: [Write-In]
>Command Snake with Harmonics [Simple Command]

+1 Harmonics, +10 Stunned Snake
Rolled 45, 88, 29, 50, 76 = 288 (5d100)

>Command Snake with Harmonics [Simple Command]
Voting closed sleeptime for everyone!
fuck I missed it
>If I should die before I snake...

You focus on the sound vibrations the music makes and how they affect the harmonic vibrations of the enchanted snake construct. You begin to feel the nuances of the harmonics and start adjusting the energy of the vibrations with your own personal harmonic energy.

You can feel it's working. You focus all your efforts toward a single command: "Sleep". You can feel that it works even before the snake stops moving, but it feels clumsy and poorly finished, like a child's drawing of the house.

You cancel the spell maintaining the music as the giant metal snake coils up and lays its head down. One final spark comes from within its mouth and then the snake is still and silent.

Raf approaches the snake cautiously.
"Did you kill it?" He whispers.
"No. I put it to sleep." You reply.
"Will it wake up?" Ileska asks, approaching closer.
"No." Ohm's voice makes everyone jump.


"Ohm!" Ileska exclaims, rushing over to hug the tiny white creature stepping out from behind the snake. Ohm accepts the embrace passively, letting Ileska pick her up, leaving her arms and legs flaccidly dangling.

"How did you survive that?" The witch asks upon setting Ohm down.
"Fortunately, while there many things that can harm me, steel blades are not among them," Ohm replies, gently taking back her tuning staff.

"Thank you for holding my staff, Ileska, I am fond of it."
"Thank you for saving my life, Ohm, I am rather fond of it as well." Ileska smiles, stroking the side of the strange construct's face.

"What can hurt you?" Raf asks.
"I do not see any reason at this time to enumerate methods of harming me," Ohm coolly replies as she turns her eyeless face to regard Raf.
The scowl Ileska gives him is not exactly cool.

Raf, perhaps unconsciously, takes a step back. You are just surprised to hear Ohm say "enumerate".

"Wait, you are speaking common, flametongue or whatever now."
"Yes, I was able to work out how your spoken language has been corrupted while my body was reforming. I believe that I can communicate now. Thank you, Gary."

"Are you saying that you learned an entire language in a few minutes?" Ileska asks, eyes wide.
"No. I merely discerned most of the dialect in a few minutes. Would you like to continue the tour now? It should be quite safe."

While Ileska shakes her head to herself, you ask another question.
"What did you mean when you said the snake won't wake up?"

"Constructs like the snake or myself are not designed to sleep, Gary. When you gave it the command to sleep, you introduced a new process into its matrix.
"So now, it is sleeping. But it has no concept of how to wake up. It might never be able to move again.
"Without it, this place may eventually be filled with rats and gremlins as they tend to get in through the lower levels sometimes. Would you like to see where?"


Ohm gives you a full tour of the labyrinthine complex of tunnels. She shows you many of the walls of crystals and holding one or two you are able to glimpse images of experiments creating constructs.

At the very bottom of the tunnels is a very massive pit full of a rotting soup of organic material deposited there by the snake. The smell is truly awful and you reseal the door in almost immediately.

Near the door to the pit, there is one section of the wall that is apparently eroding by moisture. There are several holes clearly dug out by small vermin and a few larger ones about a foot in diameter, presumably made by gremlins.

The basic points about the complex you note are this:
>The crystals seem to primarily contain information about how to fail to create constructs
>There are a few examples of how to successfully create constructs using enchantment and psionic energy.
>None of the information from the crystals would be helpful to anyone who is not a skilled enchanter and also possesses a powerful source of psionic energy.
>Most rooms have honeycombed walls that can take a number of crystals that light up immediately upon being place within the wall.
>The corridors are smooth and unlit.
>There's no information on a method to make new crystals or how the crystals work in the first place.
>There are a number of tools left behind that might be able to be repurposed or something but you don't really understand them.
>You would need an engineer, or something, to help you do more with the tools than the equivalent of using an iPad as a flyswatter.
>The place itself is rather large, empty, and might be quite useful as a base of operations for something, especially with how secret it's one and only entrance is.
>There appears to be plenty of ventilation but no plumbing.


Once you're ready to leave, you go back up the main stairs. You pause to respectfully collect the remains of whoever was in that stone coffin that smashed up against you as you fell.
You still don't understand how you weren't horribly hurt by that.

Once you get to the top, you find Doris, her son, and a couple of other villagers patiently waiting for you outside the crypt. They are amazed at your story and marvel at Ohm's strange appearance when she emerges.

"Gary?" Ohm asks with her face craned at the sunny sky as she points upwards. "What is that?"
"Uh..." You start, wondering at first what she means. "Oh, that's the sun, Ohm."
"Oh..." She says, thoughtfully. "I like it, Gary."

Doris exclaims that she'll have to fetch some clothes for the creature as she "can't walk around naked as a newborn fledgling" and sends her son off to gather some.

>You have three choices to make:

>Choose One:
>Introduce Ohm as "Ohm"
>Introduce Ohm as "Ohm the Least Objectionable"
>Introduce Ohm as "Ohm the Free"

>Choose One:
>Suggest that Ohm stay in the village since it's safer and she could help them while learning more about what people are like (not to mention the fact that you already have enough odd companions)
>Suggest that Ohm join you in your travels as she is clearly bright, intelligent, and capable, despite how dangerous it might be.
>Suggest that Ohm walk the world and travel on her own to learn as much as she can while trying to stay safe.

>Choose One:
>Seal up the tunnels until later and deal with any rats or gremlins when you reopen it.
>Leave the tunnels open and warn the villagers about the possible rats and gremlins.
>Teach the villagers how to open and close the entrance and instruct them to check for rats and gremlins periodically.

It's kind of a big vote so I'll try to wait for as many of you gents as I can before closing the vote.
>Introduce Ohm as "Ohm the Least Objectionable"

I love that title

>Suggest that Ohm join you in your travels as she is clearly bright, intelligent, and capable, despite how dangerous it might be.

From what she said, even if it's dangerous we don't have to worry about her dying

>Try to give the snek a wake up routine
>Introduce Ohm as "Ohm the Least Objectionable"

>Suggest that Ohm join you in your travels as she is clearly bright, intelligent, and capable, despite how dangerous it might be.

>Create a sleep/wake routine to the snake so the villagers know when it's safe to explore the tunnels and pests won't breed in it
>From what she said, even if it's dangerous we don't have to worry about her dying
Just to be clear, she can be destroyed. Just not by any number of steel blades. She is safe from many normal dangers, but Gary encounters some odd dangers too.
>so the villagers know when it's safe to explore the tunnels
Wait, why would they be exploring the tunnels if the snake is working? The only reason why they would go down there is pest control.
ok then
Rolled 71, 5, 75 - 21 = 130 (3d100 - 21)

Okay, closing vote. Gary is going to try to enchant a proper Sleep/Wake routine in the snek.
I figure sleep during the day or upon command, and wake at night.
I need 3d100 for Repair/Sleep/Wake.
I'm adjusting the DC 21 for skill and no time constraints.
Sleep is a gimmie, which makes sense (Synchrony!), so we'll drop your lowest roll.
Rolled 51, 38, 29 = 118 (3d100)

No love for the snek yet.
Holding out for a good roll to wake the snake.
Closing the roll and writing at 0300 UTC.
Rolled 8, 49, 62 = 119 (3d100)

behold the love
File: Luv4Snek.jpg (9 KB, 189x267)
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That did it.
Snek secured.
The rest of the update might take a minute. Don't wait up.
>Solid Snake

You enjoy a short rest and Ohm puts on some tattered kid's clothes, including a patched winter cap that covers most of her face, so that only her pale mouth is visible.
Now that she is less shockingly nude, you introduce the village to their knocking spirit: Ohm the Least Objectionable.

The villagers probe her with questions and she diligently answers them all, with no regard as to whether what she says is understood. They seem to mostly consider an odd humanoid, like an albino elf child or something.

After a bit, you announce that you are going back down to fix the snake in order to protect the tunnels and village from vermin.

Ileska tries and fails to talk you out of it. Ohm and Sven insist on accompanying you since the snake shouldn't target them anyway.

You delve back down to the sleeping snake and begin to attune your harmonics with the snake. The first thing you notice is that the snake is damaged.

Somehow, when it smashed its head, part of its enchantment, maybe some important rune, got damaged and now it is breaking down. Not really having any idea what you're doing, you try to smooth out the rough vibrations around the damage and restore the snake's enchantment to what you guess it was.

Your attempt seems to work, as far as you can tell and the enchantment feels solid and strong again. Next, you try to adjust the "sleep" command to trigger during the day and whenever a code phrase is said.

Adjusting the sleep command proved easy but implanting the "wake" command was much more difficult. You had to feel the vibrations of the existing enchantment and work in the new command where you could.

It required tremendous focus and was as difficult as packing a crate of crystal sculptures while blindfolded, but you took your time and were able to feel it out. Finally, you stood up and stretched your stiff joints, confident that you could close up the tunnels and the snake would wake every night to defend them.

Emerging from the crypt, you proclaim the tunnels are secure. The villagers seem grateful that they no longer need to worry about spirits or vermin.
Ileska just chuckles and shakes her head at your latest impossible feat.

Gathering your group, you suggest to Ohm that she join you on your travels.
"You are clearly bright, intelligent, and capable. It might be dangerous, but you could also learn a lot."
"That sounds most agreeable, Gary. I would like to join you."

"Wonderful!" Ileska says, clasping her hands together.
"I look forward to having conversations with you at night, while our living companions must sleep, Ohm the Least Objectionable!" Sven chimes in, seemingly excited.
Raf says nothing and just sort of stands there sullenly, but it's not like he had a say in it anyway.

Rolled 16, 4, 70, 61, 49, 33 = 233 (6d100)


You stay in the village that night with you, Ileska, and Raf bunking in a simple guest-house they have and Ohm and Sven walking outside the town walls and chatting all night, about God knows what.
You head out early, after a breakfast of cheese and mushroom omelets. You had noticed that these villagers seem to eat mushrooms with every meal for some reason.

The five of you make good time with Sven riding behind you on Horsebro, Ohm riding behind Ileska on her horse, and Raf riding along in silence.

In the early afternoon, you slow up the horses to a stop when you see a large menacing figure lumbering in the road. He looks massive, with huge muscular girth like he could tear you apart limb from limb if you got too close.

His head and jaw seem disproportionately large as if he might be able to bite a man's head off. It seems like the hair from his head mingles with long hair growing from his shoulders in a disgusting form of matted down mane.

Over seven feet tall, he is wearing ragged fur crudely tied around him with a thick rope, yet he also has what looks like a gossamer-thin grey cloak hanging off his back and draped over his left arm.

"The ogre..." Raf whispers. "This must be the ogre that has been raiding villages with a band of goblins."
"What is he doing in the middle of the road?" Ileska asks.

You slowly urge your horses and ride towards the ogre. You do not want to get too close to him because you don't know what he might do. You can only hope that he isn't going to charge and attack you.

"The ogre creature seems to simply be pacing in the road." Observes Ohm.
You tell everyone to be quiet and everyone just watches the ogre for awhile.

The large creature doesn't seem to notice you at all and the ogre eventually stops his lumbering pacing and turns around slowly.
He haltingly walks down the road in your general direction while ignoring and slowly passing you.

It sniffs the air and stops beside you all and, staring straight at you, it silently looks at each of your faces as if trying to understand something written upon them. Its breath and body odor is truly foul.

Raf is anxiously gripping his sword hilt. The ogre doesn't look armed, but it might be strong enough that a punch could be lethal. You might want to strike first, but only if you can win.

For some reason, Ileska is just staring at his thin grey cloak.

>Choose one and roll6d100:
>Attack! Maul him and hope your party's superior action economy will overcome his superior strength.
>Run Away!: Let Raf take on this brute himself, this isn't your job.
>Diplomacy!: Try greeting and talking to the ogre, he hasn't attacked yet.
>Ask Ileska what her deal is.
>Magic [Write-In]

Rolled 60, 48, 4, 46, 94, 28 = 280 (6d100)

>Ask Ileska what her deal is.
woman, is there any important detail in his robe ? maybe something like that orange thing that ogre had ?
Also, since we’re at page 10, do you pan on starting a new thread soon or you’ll let it get archived ?
new thread

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