>>4157304
Put on my Stack of Hats of course.

>>4157304
go check on your fellow proletarian workers

>>4157304
Search for a cure to armless-ness, maybe prosthetics

>>4157304
check if the anarchists were up to something

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>>4157306
You simply have top many hats to possibly stack them! If you were to wear them all at once you would no doubt be crushed. You instead like to keep them tightly packed in the cavity of your currently equipped hat, your precious CHARISMA CAP. It's really quite spacious in there. However, you never know which of your countless caps you'll pull out when you reach in, so you think it best for the time being not to shuffle around them aimlessly.

>>4157331
Enter the Charisma Cap.

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>>4157307
Ah, yes, look at your laborers toil away...nothing can stop the youthful diligence of such industrious workers...

You swear it wasn't your idea to have this fake window installed. You're not that lonely.

You're not that lonely.

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>>4157310
Absurd! You're handy WOODEN CANE is already equipped in your INTERACTOR SLOT. You have class.

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>>4157332
Your fat head can't fit through, but you try taking a peek inside. It's hard to make out details in the darkness, but you can be certain that you have a lot of caps in there.
There's a COPTER CAP, a CLAM CAP, a CRETACEOUS CAP...you aren't even sure what half of these mean, to be honest, but if you can alliteratively name a cap, chances are it's probably stuffed in there somewhere.

>>4157387
>What will you do now?

>>4157392
Pull out a CAPITALISM CAP

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>>4157447
Your only real way to draw a cap of your choosing is via your CAP STACHE inventory. All caps are organized in alphabetical order (as useful as that is with items that all begin with the same letter), but considering the sheer quantity of them, pulling a specific hat reliably can be a bit of a gamble.

You aim for your CAPITALISM CAP...
Capitalism....
Capitalism!
CAPITALISM!!!!

You pull out the CARBOXYL CAP.

>What will you do now?

>>4157494
good enough for me

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>>4157506
Alrighty then. You equip the CARBOXYL CAP. It doesn't seem to have any noticeable effect. Well, aside from making your look ridiculous as hell. You store the CHARISMA CAP in your inventory for safekeeping while your at it.

>What will you do now?

Destroy the caps

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>>4157574
You feel a sudden change of heart and resolve to destroy the caps. You hurl the CARBOXYL CAP at the wall and give you CHARISMA CAP are good whack. This obviously achieves nothing, but you feel you've been in a very time-wasting mood this morning and see no reason to quit now.

>What will you do now?

>>4157599
Forget the stupid caps--check your desk--you're an important guy, right?!

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>>4157605
>Important
...uhhh, yes...status, fame that's you! Definitely. The papers on your desk would certainly give you that impression at least. These BIRTHDAY CARDS have been popping up all over your room lately. You're not even sure how they even got in here, really.

Also it's not your birthday.

>>4157631
>What will you do now?

>>4157639
Go see what is in those drawers

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>>4157776
Geez, you're really bouncing all over your room today, aren't you? You open up the top drawer and take a peek inside. There's a SATCHEL, a KEY, a couple BATTERIES, a CAP OF UNSPECIFIED USE, and a FRIED EGG.

The bottom drawer is locked, like always. You can't even remember what might be in there at this point.

>What will you do now?

>>4157834
where we ever any where else but this Place

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>>4157836
>Were you ever anywhere else but this place?
You ponder to yourself over the scent of vinegar.
Were you? You wanna say yes...
You think so?
Hard to say. You have a pretty bad memory. Like a really, really bad memory.

What were you up to again? Something about nostrils?

>What will you do now?

>>4157840
has the cap on the floor started to ferment or something?

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>>4157849
>Has the CARBOXYL CAP started to ferment or something?
Oh, my! It certainly has. A synthetic PUDDLE OF VINEGAR has begun to coalesce on the floor. The fumes are pungent.

>What will you do now?

>>4157850
gently beat it with your cane and call it a bad cap and tell it to suck it up(the puddle)

>>4157851
possibly then get distracted when you remember the book with the handsome fellow

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>>4157851
>Gently beat the puddle with your cane and tell it to suck it up.
You give it a few light prods. This somehow isn't even the first time you've beaten a piece of headwear with your cane in the past five minutes alone.

>>4157852
doin this next

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>>4157852
>Possibly get distracted by the book with the handsome fellow.
It's a copy of your autobiography, DAPPER DAYS. And yes, he certainly is handsome.
...You don't think to question the implication there of any possible autoerotic tendencies on your part.

>What will you do now?

>>4157862
wait if we have crap memories does this mean we can remind ourself what we atually do? by Reading this handsome dapper book of a gentleman

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>>4157864
>Read book to remind yourself of what you do.
You're a businessman, remember? Of...very important..."business-stuffs"...yes, you would know.
You crack open the book anyway and give it a quick skim.

Apparently you're a shit writer. This is all incomprehensible bullshit. The whole damn book is unintelligible! What were you even thinking writing this!?

>>4157876
>What will you do now?

>>4157877
Go out and get a wife

>>4157877
Put the book in your hat

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>>4157928
>Put book in hat
You whip off your CHARISMA CAP and smush that bastard in as far as you can.

Yeah...you're never seeing that book again.

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>>4157927
>Go out and get a wife
How do you suppose you'll go about this "going out and getting wife" business?

>>4157948
Open the door, if it's locked try the key

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>>4157996
>Open the door. If it's locked, try the key.
After giving it a firm prod, you deduce that it is neither locked, nor a door. It is in fact a wallpaper.
Interesting design choice.

>>4158011
>What will you do now?

>>4158012
Go out through the front

>>4158011
Look for a cannon cap and try to blast your way out

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>>4158019
You couldn't do that, even if you wanted to. The front wall of your room is dedicated to your ALTAR TO WOODY HARRELSON.

...praised be he...

>>4158027
Stack furniture and try and reach the ceiling, I must say these walls are very high

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>>4158024
>Look for a cannon cap and try to blast your way out
You briefly consider the option, but quickly reconsider.

>>4158033
If the furniture can't reach use hats as well

break a mirror out of frustration
also, try to remember when the clock stopped

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>>4158033
>Stack furniture and try and reach the ceiling.
You knock the BIRTHDAY CARDS and INTERCOM MICROPHONE off your desk and stack the chair on top. However, even with the boost, you can't quite reach.

>>4158057
Ah, intercom! We can use it to try and contact someone from the outside.

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>>4158046
>If the furniture can't reach, use hats as well
ARRGHHH WHY CAN'T YOU STOP THINKING ABOUT HATS!?

>>4158068
Use INTERCOM MICROPHONE to call for help

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>>4158058
>>4158070
Looks like it's out of batteries. You store it in your inventory for the time being.

>>4158050
doin this next

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>>4158050
>Try to remember when the clock stopped
To be honest, you can't read analog clocks. Or roman numerals, for that matter. You could pass an eternity in here and probably not even notice.

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>>4158082
>Break mirror out of frustration.
Ugh, goddamn clocks making you feel inadequate! You're so stupid! Soaking in embarrassment and rage, you smash that mirror right in like Joseph reads a fuckin' dream.
The glass shatters in on itself; looks like there was no wall behind it.

>>4158087
(forgot to erase the intercom from the floor, i am very intelligent)

>What will you do now?

Move the furniture around to see if there is anything behind or under them

>>4157304
>looks like there was no wall behind it
meaning there's a hole there, right?

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>>4158097
>Move the furniture around to see if there is anything behind or under them.
You temporarily ignore the newfound hole in your wall to address what are clearly more pressing matters.
Underneath your desk you find your beloved COMBAT CAP. This is vital to your success in any MANLY BRAWLS you might find yourself entangled in. You store it in your inventory--there's no way you'd keep a hat this powerful in your unreliable CAP STACHE.

You slide the CHEST OF DRAWERS over in search of any goodies it might conceal as well. You find a few more of those inexplicable BIRTHDAY CARDS lurking beneath.

>What will you do now?

>>4158125
yes

>>4158129
take the hole to mighty freedom!
or wherever it leads to...

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>>4158140
>Take the whole to mighty freedom!
You take a cautious peek through the broken mirror frame. It looks dark...you think there might be a floor on the other side, but you can't really make out anything clearly.

>What will you do now?

>>4158163
scream in the worst profanity you know

>>4158163
trow a random hat into the darkness

>>4158163
Use key on bottom drawer in hopes of finding a light source

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>>4158168
>>4158171
>Scream in the worst profanity you know and throw a random hat into the darkness.
You muster up your deep-seated wrath and yell the most vile obscenities:
>Bratwurst Bedlam!
>Hodgkin's Halberd!!
>PULCHRITUDINOUS POMERANIAN!!!
You never knew you had it in yourself to stoop to such lows...

While you're at it, you snatch a random hat from your CAP STACHE and toss it in, just to test the waters. Your copy of DAPPER DAYS disappears into the shadows.

>>4158197
>What will you do now?
(thanks for stickin around by the way, guys)

>>4158204
Thanks for making something interesting
(by the way nice second hat)

>>4158204
>>What will you do now?
>Use key on bottom drawer in hopes of finding a light source

>(thanks for stickin around by the way, guys)
>(easy to play, visually illustrated, fun and interesting quest)
(no, thank YOU op)

>>4158209
or if thats not an option for some reason, take the key and step gently into the darkness, slowly with our right leg first

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>>4158209
>Use key on bottom drawer in hopes of finding a light source
Returning the the CHEST OF DRAWERS, you attempt to open the bottom drawer with the key from the top, but discover that it never had a keyhole to begin with. You're not even sure how it's supposed to be opened, really.
You pocket the OLD-FASHIONED KEY for future use.

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>>4158224
>Step gently into the darkness, slowly with your right leg first.
How are you supposed to do that when you obviously do not have legs, doofus!?

>What will you do now?

>>4158229
wait, open the bag first

>>4158231
fall to the ground due to lack of legs

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>>4158237
>Fall to ground due to lack of legs.
What on earth are you talking about?

>>4158235
i gotchu

>>4158249
What in the potchgobbler just happen.
Are we in purgatory?

Hmm a command quest that features simple art that typically doesn't show the character's arms, uses an unusual inventory(the hats), features a sarcastic narrator, makes references to the mc's birthday in the first few post and involves them being trapped in a room, why is this so familiar?

>>4158257
it more hell-like...

>>4158260
i was aiming more for problem sleuth than homestuck to be honest

>>4158257
probably not?

>>4158263
*its

>>4158267
Makes sense the puzzle shit and art style is definitely more like problem sleuth

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>>4158235
>Open bag
Good idea! You pick up your BattleBargain™ brand PILL PURSE. This should be very useful. Each pill grants simultaneous boon and bane effects. For example, Tickle Wiggle distracts everyone in the vicinity with an overwhelming ticklish sensation, but only as long as you dance like there's no tomorrow.
Unfortunately, most of the pills have pretty silly names and often don't match up with their effects at all. You also at times struggle to distinguish between the nondescript pills.
You'll keep it in your inventory for the moment.

>>4158324
>What will you do now?

>>4158326
take a pill of influenzial

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>>4158333
>Take a pill of Influenzial
You spontaneously generate a mouth and pop the tablet, praying to god you didn't grab the wrong one. Influenzial temporarily gives you destructive supersonic sneezes, but without any control over when they happen. You are sure you will never regret this decision.

>What will you do now?

>>4158231
equip your COMBAT CAP!
jump hat first into the darkness

>>4158383
wait a second, I'm an idiot. Use the BATTERIES on the INTERCOM!

>>4158410
>BATTERIES
lmao i jumped over the description and just supposed those were band-aids

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>>4158384
>Equip your COMBAT CAP
OH SHIT
YOU'RE PUMPED!
YOU'RE FUCKING


PUUUUUUUMPED

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>>4158447
(multiple panels in this update)

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>>4158454

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>>4158458
ohshit

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>>4158459
Ouch...that sneeze did you in good...better not do anything else reckless while Influenzial is still in effect.

>>4158462
I just realized I never erased the book on top of the drawers lol
>What will you do now?

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>>4158410
forgot about this command, my bad
>Use batteries on intercom
You limp on back over to the CHEST OF DRAWERS and retrieve the BATTERIE(S). You cannot, however, "use" them on the "intercom." On closer inspection, it would appear that said INTERCOM has actually been solar-powered the whole time. It was only "out of batteries" insofar as it was not, in fact, inside of any batteries.

>What will you do now?

Rolled 2, 1, 5, 1, 4, 3 + 6 = 22 (6d6 + 6)

Rolled 1 (1d2)

>>4158717

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>>4158718
Wrong thread, buddy. I hope your roll was what you wanted regardless.

>>4158543
spew further profanity into the microphone

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>>4158827
>Spew your profanity into INTERCOM MICROPHONE
After wasting all that time looking for batteries?! Oh, you're really gonna let whoever's on the other end have it now!
You...you sour lymph n-ACHOO!

>What will you do now?

Say the f word coward

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>>4159028
>Say the F-word
All this fuckin' body slamming is taking a serious fuckin' toll on your fuckin' back.

You're gonna say it...
You're gonna say it!


FORMICARIIDAE!

>What will you do now?

>>4159042
throw the chair through the window

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>>4159075
>Throw chair through window.
You hurl the butt-machine at the window. Or rather, the fake window. Which is not made of glass.

Heh, really, uh, "knocked off your seat" there, right?
No?

Eh, you'll workshop it.

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>>4159107
Huh?

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>>4159137
The fake window is dislodged by the force of the chair. Underneath was hidden a poster for the classic 90's family-comedy film Good Burger.

>What will you do now?

>>4159142
Take the poster off the wall.

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>>4159280
>Take the poster off the wall.
You pull down the RADICAL POSTER and store it in your inventory. An artifact this powerful ought to take up four whole slots.
There is a keyhole on the wall behind it.

>What will you do now?

>>4159300
Hmm that is a toughie, you could ... no that won't work with an aardvark. Maybe you could... Oh right no door. Might as well use KEY on/in KEYHOLE while you think of something

>>4159329
*without an aardvark

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>>4159329
>Use KEY on/in KEYHOLE while you think of something.
It fits in snugly. You hear a satisfying click.
Suddenly, the room starts rumbling!

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>>4159361
Hmm...you're not quite sure if you moved, or if everything else moved around you.

>What will you do now?

(Going to bed now! Feel free to keep leaving commands, I can do them in the morning)

>>4159363
Check out the wall-hole

>>4159384
and the trash can

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>>4159384
>Examine hole in wall.
It looks like the mechanism triggered another room to shift into place here. Or maybe you moved? Unclear. The room has much higher visibility than the last one, though.

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>>4159466
>Examine trash can.
Just as you expected. Filled to the brim with BIRTHDAY CARDS. There's gotta be some way you can make a profit off of these things!?

ACHOO!---

Whoops.
The cards scatter about the room.

>What will you do now?

>>4159618
Wear the lampshade as a hat.

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>>4159622
>Wear lampshade as hat.
This is without a doubt the best decision you have ever made.

>What will you do now?

>>4159622
Climb into the other room

>>4159642
Store CHARISMA CAP in normal inventory, then explore the new, better lit room behind the mirror.

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>>4159674
>>4159676
>Take CHARISMA CAP and enter next room.
You try to store the CHARISMA CAP in your inventory, but fail miserably, because it is already in there. You do the next best thing and take the identical COMBAT CAP sitting on the lamp next to you. Now you can't even tell which is which. You are positive you will never regret this decision.
On the newly bare lamp sits a scrumptious-looking GRANOLA BAR, which you stash as well, because of course you do.

You then climb through the mirror-frame into the next room, gently, one leg at a time, because those are a thing that you have.

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>>4159724
You emerge into the back room.

>What will you do now?

>>4159726
Examine papers on the wall

>>4159726
Examine the fine gentleman in the room

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>>4159740
>Examine papers on wall
There are two papers attached. One of them is exactly what you expected. Huh.
The other is a very straightforward and redundant notice. Fair enough, you suppose; you wouldn't try to claim higher authority over official-looking messages written in comic sans, you're just not that kind of man.

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>>4159774
>Examine the fine gentleman
You greet him are met with irreverence. With a soft nudge he responds.
>Why, hello there! Wonderful weather we're having.
He continues repeating the phrase for a solid minute before quieting down again.

Seems like a perfectly agreeable bloke to you.

>What will you do now?
(going to work now, keep giving suggestions! it's a short shift so I'll be back in just a few hours)

>>4159783
What are you, a cop?
Take the notice down

>>4159791
Tape the urgent notice to the other guy's head so it covers his face.

>>4159791
Examine twitches mural

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>>4159818
>>4159834
>Tape the urgent notice to the other guy's face.
And it just so happens that you fucking hate agreeable people!
You simply cannot let such impunity stand. You snatch up the urgent notice from the wall--forget what you said earlier, you're not a goddamn cop--and this shit is paramount!

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>>4160334
Take that, you smug fuck!
Making the world a better place, one step at a time: that's you.

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>>4160339
He appears unfazed by your punitive justice.

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>>4159849
>Examine Twitches Too mural
Oh, how desperately you wish you could admire its beauty directly! But it's too dangerous...marvel at it too long and you risk being blinded.

>What will you do now?

>>4160334
Go to the keypad and type 0000.
Then if that doesn’t work, 0001, then simply continue entering numbers in ascending order until one works

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>>4160354
>Go to keypad and type combinations ascending from 0000 to 9999 until one works.
A noteworthy proposal, but upon closer examination, it is patent that the keypad is, and in fact always has been, an ASCII KEYBOARD.

...obviously.

It would be virtually impossible for you to test every possible sequence of characters. Looks like you won't be able to brute force this one.

>What will you do now?

>>4160406

Punch the keypad.

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>>4160422
>Punch the keypad.
No hands.

>What will you do now?

>>4160455

*coughs*

I mean [b]headbutt[b] the keypad.

If not, use a [b]cracking cap[b] to crack the code. (should be USB compatible, right?)

>>4160463

Oh I can't format for squat.

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>>4160463
>Fine, headbutt the keypad.
You punch the keypad.

It goes about as well as one would expect. You stumble backward and topple over onto the chest at the back corner of the room.
Thanks to your goddamn thaumaturge of a spine, you're somehow still okay.

>What will you do now?

>>4160466
iirc only OP can format in any given thread, but for future reference, the closing tag should be "[/b]".

>>4160516

Wait how the hell did the Baron grow arms.

Is he continually evolving as the story progresses.

Let him realize this and give him an existential crisis.

>>4160595
it's a j o k e

lol do you have a less meta suggestion? i don't wanna be too self-referential.

>>4160605

The force of the fall slams the Baron into the chest, which ends up unlocking it.

Is there anything inside?

>>4160516
Check the back of the note currently stuck to Mr. Broken AI's head. Perhaps it has a code clue on it.

>>4160516
Inspect chest

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>>4160634
>>4160716
>Open chest and examine contents.
Cracking it open (with your WOODEN CANE and not your hands because you don't have those), you are relieved to finally find something not locked for once. Inside is a cut out advertisement from a magazine catalogue for PROPHETIC PIPE™ and complementary TEMPORAL TOBACCO™. Also included is an ORDER FORM for delivery via the UNITED PARCEL SOOTHSAYERS.

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>>4160642
>Check back of urgent notice for possible clues.
Clues for what? You have no real aim in all this dawdling about!
Regardless, you do not do this because you are confident that the back of the note will simply be host to yet another BIRTHDAY CARD.
If you did look at it however, you would be both surprised and delighted to observe that it is in fact a highly classified photograph of heartfelt loving couple, Carol Vorderman and Madhur Jaffrey. Unfortunately, the laws of the universe have dictated that no one ever uncover the secret of this relationship for all of time.

Truly tragic.

>What will you do now?

>>4160760
(going to bed now, but please keep 'em coming. this is a lot of fun!)

>>4160760
Inspect other man's pockets, take anything useful

>>4160760
Pull out Thinking Cap. Inspect order form.

>>4160756

That chest's shape vaguely resembles a coffin.

Sure there's not anything else you may have overlooked?

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>>4160809
>Pull out Thinking Cap and inspect order form
You go to retrieve your COMTEMPLATIVE CAP but are met with an unpleasant error message from the loudspeaker. Obviously you cannot pull hats from the COMBAT CAP, only the CHARISMA CAP!

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>>4161267
You reexamine the ORDER FORM anyway. It is wholly unremarkable. However the UNITED PARCEL SOOTHSAYERS is still undoubtedly the fastest delivery service around. You store both it and the PIPE PUBLICATION in your inventory. Getting a bit claustrophobic in there, eh?

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>>4161208
>Double-check chest for any coffin-like qualities.
That is absurd! A human body could not possibly fit into a chest this small. Unless they were half-snake, you suppose. Yes, a half-snake human being could definitely contort itself in snugly. But there is no half-shake human being in the chest.
Your attention is suddenly diverted from this philosophically challenging aside by a loud knocking sound from the previous room.

>What will you do now?

>>4161270

Knock back. Is the wall flimsy enough to destroy?

>>4161270
Stealthily pose the other man in front of the hole while you hide in case the knocker is hostile

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>>4161322
>Knock back.
Haha, very funny.
Now go back into the previous fucking room.

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>>4161510
You sneeze back into the previous fucking room. It's still just as roomy as before, you ruminate.
Whoever made that noise must have been the one who left that package by the door there. Or the WALLPAPER DOOR, technically.

>>4161391
too late heh

>What will you do now?

>>4161510

Well I forgot about that.

>>4161513

We gonna open this box, or do we need a "Cutting Cap" to do so?

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>>4161514
>Open box with Cutting Cap.
Entirely superfluous. You open the parcel like an ordinary person.
An ordinary person with no hands.
Inside is a genuine PROPHETIC PIPE and tin of TEMPORAL TOBACCO. There is a note from UPS thanking you for using their services. They really are fast--you haven't even placed your order yet!

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>>4161635
Speaking of which, you probably should send them the ORDER FORM now. Since they already delivered the pipe, you know for a fact you will do that at some point in time, so you might as well get it over with. You slip the PIPE PUBLICATION and blank ORDER FORM underneath the fake door. The deliveryman on the other side takes it.

>What will you do now?

>>4161639

Smoke the pipe.

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>>4161879
>Smoke the pipe.
You lack a LIGHTER with which to "smoke pipe."

>What will you do now?

>>4162140
Pull out a conflagration cap from the charisma cap and try again to smoke the pipe

>>4162140

Chew the tobacco like snuff.

>>4162186

Oh wait you lack a mouth and nostrils.

No useful orifices at all.

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>>4162154
>Pull out and light pipe with Conflagration Cap
You reach into the CHARISMA CAP and pull out the CONFECTIONER'S CAP. Perhaps this could still be useful somehow? Unclear.

>What will you do now?

>>4162186
orifice is a beautiful word

>>4162251

Can we put some of the temporal tobacco inside so a something like a pot brownie comes out?

Otherwise, does the cap make you a spectacular chef, or does the confectioner's cap simply bequeath upon you the ability to consume confections?

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>>4162278
>Wear CONFECTIONER'S CAP and reap its awe-inspiring power.
You can feel it.
The power.
Coming on.
YOU CAN FEEL IT!

...Hmm. Would seem to be a non-magical, completely run-of-the-mill hat. A tremendously fashionable hat, mind you--especially in collaboration with your prized LAMPSHADE--but a normal hat nonetheless.

>What will you do now?

>>4162367
Make candy, obviously.

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>>4162381
>Make candy, post-haste.
How nonsensical. There's no way you could possibly manifest such sweets out of thin air-ACHOO!
You sneeze up a lighter-shaped piece of HARD CANDY.
Anyway, as you were, saying, such a notion is plainly laughable.

>What will you do now?

>>4162458

Now we can light the tobacco?

>>4162458
The whole time we've had batteries in the drawer. Put them in the intercom.

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>>4162515
see >>4158543
In case you haven't, I recommend reading the whole thread before entering any more commands, unless maybe you have a really good idea for a joke.
>>4162509 is up next.

Ah, I have been following the thread the whole time, but I appear to have missed that post.

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>>4162509
>Use candy to light pipe
This sentiment is even more ridiculous than the last! Does this look like NAPALM FLAVOR to you? It is thoroughly nonvolatile.
You briefly impugn your major fixation on securing a working lighter. It is patent that the PROPHETIC PIPE™ is, an in fact always has been, battery-powered. This is obviously self-evident.

>What will you do now?

>>4162541
it's cool, don't sweat it. also im probably goin' to bed now

>>4162603
Put batteries in pipe

>>4162603
go through the pill bag to find something that makes us fart napalm or somesuch

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>>4162620
>Put batteries in pipe already.
You kick back and revel in a nice, relaxing smoke break. It becomes apparent that the PROPHETIC PIPE™ and TEMPORAL TOBACCO™ have some unorthodox properties. When you use them, your consciousness becomes displaced in time, allowing you to momentarily remember clearly things from the distant past and future as well as the present. You can recall things that were, things that are, and some things that have not yet come to pass.
Of course the only reason you are privy to these details is because you are now remembering them from the mind of your future self, which, due to your current remembrance, is fully cognizant of such facts. You are remembering remembering how you remembered remembering how you remember, remember?

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>>4163233
In this clairvoyant state, you reminisce on myriad notable occasions throughout your life. Your childhood, moving out, ascension of the corporate hierarchy, future careers, oh, and your death, too...déjà vu. Well, that's too bad. It is a good thing, then, that you only have the retentiveness of a schizophrenic goldfish stapled to a toddler's ass, for which you are certain you will imminently forget most of these experiences.
Interestingly, you can distinctly recall a short series of characters you a relatively sure are from your future and not the past. You have a vivid mental image of yourself typing it out. You cannot see why you would ever have the need to do such a thing, though.

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>>4163234
Aha. Looks like you're all out of tobacco. Well, that was an enjoyable little intermission, at least.

>What will you do now?

>>4162812
i wish

>>4163237

So wait we're dead? I kind of figured since we're trapped in the room.

>>4163318
no he's not dead, he's "remembering" his future
>When you use them, your consciousness becomes displaced in time, allowing you to momentarily remember things from the distant past and future as well as the present.

>>4163237
quick, regurgitate pen and write down the combination before you forget!

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>>4163429
>Regurgitate pen and copy down combination.
Now that right there is something you can do. You cough up (not sneeze) your very handy NON-ELECTRIC, NON-SOLAR, NON-MAGICAL, LIGHTER-INDEPENDENT PEN. With that in hand, or lack thereof, you hastily scrawl out on the RADICAL POSTER the short sequence which you recollected.

>What will you do now?

>>4163528
moonwalk to the keypad and input the code with your toes

>>4163549
ill update with this when i get back from work but holy shit you are a god

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>>4163549
>Moonwalk over to keypad.
This is without a doubt the best decision you have ever made. Through sheer force of will you propel yourself and your unmoving legs straight backward toward the mirror frame oh jesus fuck ow

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>>4164129
>Input code with your toes.
Yes, this is exactly how you remembered it happening. Seeing the combination upside-down with your head where your butt should be. You enter:
>BVTL
You remain as of yet unsure of any potential significance to such a password.

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>>4164131
You hear something click open on the other side of the wall.

>What will you do now?

>>4164137

Check it out, of course.

Also permission to steal the pumped gif from combat cap? I think it would look nice in my meme folder.

>>4164158
oh yeah go for it

>>4164168

just asking, cause it's... IT'S ART!!!

(and also I'd be hard-pressed to make a gif like that)

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>>4164158
>Go around and check drawer.
You return once again to your office. Giving yourself a real workout today, huh? You slowly start to tug open the freshly unlocked bottom drawer...

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>>4164257
...when it reveals itself to have concealed an OMINOUS STAIRCASE.

>What will you do now?

>>4164177
My art's awful but in my defense I'm working with in Paintbrush with a shitty trackpad. That gif's definitely meme-able in hindsight, though.

>>4164262

Go inside, but leave something midway between the entrance and exit so that if the door closes you're not trapped in the dark. Oh, and don't forget your lighter in case there's no light source!

>>4164262

No, I think the style works perfectly for the quest (plus it's better than what I'm drawfaggoting for my current quest via an Apple MagicMouse)!

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>>4164282
>Descend staircase, leaving something in entryway to prevent becoming trapped.
You cogitate leaving your spiffy LAMPSHADE-BAKER COMBO HAT as a safeguard, but simply lack the willpower. You instead opt for your similarly precious but replaceable GRANOLA BAR. You descend cautiously, non-napalm flavored lighter-shaped hard candy at the ready, when, just as anticipated, a trapdoor violently jams shut above you, with the scrumptious snack doing little to obstruct it.
Pity, pity, oh cruel world; your sacrifice will not have been in vain, dear morsel!
On a purely unrelated note, there appears to be a light source further down.

>What will you do now?

>>4164357

Keep going! Adventure awaits!

>>4164357
Curl up into a ball and roll down. Why walk when you let gravity work for you?

>>4163429
dude, come on! its literally in front of you

>>4163237
try "BVTL" on the keypad, if that doesn't work try "B\/TL"

>>4164805
im sorry, auto-refresh, has failed me

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>>4164416
>>4164367
>Curl into ball and roll down. Let gravity work for you.
You actually fired gravity a couple weeks ago for being too much of a weight on the other employees' shoulders.
But you've got an even better idea.

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>>4164854
You skid with aplomb into ROOM OF RECONDITE TREATS.

>What will you do now?

>>4164809
always at the worst times

>>4164857
Put baseball cap on AI-less NPC

Then poke "door"

>>4164857
examine the door, which i bet is fake

>>4164857

The cap on the rack seems rather appealing. Why don't we try it on?

(that is, after we ask the guy here what the meaning of all this is if he's not a mannequin)

>>4164857
Look through the bacon viewing window. Also insert obligatory "Sweet Bro & Hella Jef" stairs related reference here

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>>4164913
>>4164914
>Examine "door"
You probe the door, which may or may not be phony.

It's phony!

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>>4164919
>Try on cap from rack.
Appropriate hat-stand protocol stipulates that you must trade in one of your hats when withdrawing from the rack. You begrudgingly acquiesce, exchanging the CONFECTIONER'S CAP for the CRICKET CAP. You cannot violate hat-stand etiquette.

You cannot violate hat-stand etiquette.

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>>4164913
>Put cap on brainless NPC.
He doesn't seem to notice. He is too busy basking...

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>>4165030
Basking in the brilliant light of Woody Harrelson's smile.

>>4164983 up next

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>>4164983
>Look through BACON VIEWING WINDOW
Aye. The GUMMY BACON inside looks absolutely delectable. You are painfully reminded you of your fateful GRANOLA BAR.
You miss your GRANOLA BAR...it feels like a whole epoch has passed since you last parted ways.
Also, is that really how this lampshade looks on your head? You don't know how to feel about this. All these conflicting emotions, quite baffling.

>What will you do?

>>4165077
>Ask Woody Harrelson for guidance

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>>4165087
>Inquire Woody Harrelson for guidance.
You seek his wise counsel...

...you understand...praised be he.
This is the most productive thing you've done all day.

>What will you do now?

>>4165149
indulge in delicious floor candy

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>>4165634
>Indulge in delicious floor candy.
You tear open the bag of Mazelo and box of Jimmie Stix, ready to partake in the mouthwatering treasures within. It turns out they contain neither--they're full of shitty carrots! You're so angry you chuck them at the wall at mach-speed. The impact shatters a portion of the BACON-VIEWING WINDOW.

>What will you do now?

>>4165833

You're going to bash the rest of the glass, look around, and, if it's safe, climb in.

Looks like an interdimensional portal to me...

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>>4165977
>Look through broken glass and climb in if possible.
Peering through the hazardous hole, your can vaguely discern a vast, dark expanse of INDUSTRIAL PIPING and ELABORATE CABLES. It is too small for you to fit in, though something smaller probably could.

>What will you do now?

>>4165977

Hook the hand with your cane, of course.

Maybe there's more candy attached to it!

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>>4166179
>Pull on hand with cane.
You give it a few tender yanks and extract the SEVERED TORSO from the dense plumbing. It appears to have been impaled with a broken glass jar of STRAWBERRY JAM. You hate it when that happens.

>What will you do now?

(goin to bed now, keep entering commands!)

>>4166228
Talk to NPC and see what "useful info" they have for us

>>4166228
Extract the jar. Lick off the jam.

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sorry, i way overslept

>>4166360
>Lick jam from jar.
You remove the splintered jar from the victim's abdomen and give the magical potion residing within a taste. It is not STRAWBERRY JAM--it is GRAPE JELLY that has been dyed red! Absolutely unacceptable. You give your word that you will make whichever despicable succubus is responsible for this deception pay.

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>>4166230
>Ask NPC for any "useful info."
You decide to disregard the dead body, a once conscious compatriot with a whole life, and a soul, and dreams, and aspirations, and wants, and friends, and family, and instead return to the visibly non-sapient man who hasn't moved an inch since you arrived. You ask him for any help he could provide, not that you're sure what you need help with in the first place.
He responds:
>The infinite sum of x raised to the n-th power over the factorial of n with successive values of n approximates exponential function with a base equivalent to the limit of the sum of one and the negative-first power of n all raised to the power of n as n approaches infinity, which is in turn congruent with the inverse equation of the natural logarithm of x, wherein height and gradient are concordant at all instantaneous points.
Though not immediately relevant, you do acknowledge the factuality of this statement.

>What will you do now?

>>4166840
Take his cap and throw him in the bacon window

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>>4166956
But who needs calculus when you can have galerus? You reclaim the CRICKET CAP and top it off with your COMBAT CAP to give you extra strength.
Bear witness and awe at the glorious might of the holy BAB3LCAP STACK!

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>>4167332
But the CHARISMA CAP simply does not grant you enough power to aid you in hauling the charlatan, especially with just the WOODEN CANE. Still, he collapses on the ground with an emphatic thud.

>What will you do now?

>>4167337

Check inside his mouth.

For ticks, you know?

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>>4167377
>Check inside NPC's mouth for ticks.
You look a little closer and see an electronic speaker where his oral cavity should be.

>What will you do now?

>>4167432
Inspect robot torso as well

>>4167500
do you mean the NPC's torso or the impaled one? (neither of which are robotic, mind you)

>>4167432

See if you can pull the speaker out.

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>>4167500
not responding so ill just make an assumption

>Inspect NPC's torso.
Seeking to satisfy your newfound hangup on human torsos, you scrutinize his with a classic BARONIAL PROD. Significantly more alive than the last one, that's for sure, but just as much flesh and blood.

>What will you do now?

>>4167597
(it's just part of his body)

>>4167607

Kick the hat rack in anger.

The lifelessness of your NPC is rather frustrating.

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>>4167615
>Kick hat-rack in anger.
How desperately you wish you could. Phooey! That lifeless, and by proxy, highly agreeable imbecile is positively infuriating.
...But such a conniption would go against hat-stand etiquette. And you cannot violate hat-stand etiquette.

You just can't.

>What will you do now?

>>4167652
Bash hole in window out larger. Borrow altar candle to have a look around.

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>>4167663
>Bash larger whole in window.
How many years of bad luck is this now? 14? 21? Whatever. No more bacon shall be viewed here today.

Through the larger gap you can see that the INDUSTRIAL PIPING is much more complex that initially prescribed.

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>>4167851
>Borrow altar candle to see more clearly.
You would, but you are presently too occupied being clobbered in the face with your autobiography. It just flew in through the window like an asshole wasp.
Directly into your nose.

>What will you do now?

>>4167854
Go upstairs to confront nose-hitter

>>4167952
???
upstairs is the way we came in; the book came through the window. sorry if i was unclear in any way.

>>4167854
Throw it back!

>>4167854
draw forth your calculus cap and put it on the NPC

>>4167851
Look around the hole. Is there anything inside this "015" other than endless pipes and half a corpse?

>>4168291
Sorry if I'm being dumb, but what do you mean by "015?"

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>>4168014
>Throw it back.
You ponder the option, but considering that hurling this thing away at high velocity was the very last thing you did to it before it came back and pummeled you, you figure it might not be the best choice.

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>>4168362
Eh, who gives an excrement? You're a busy guy, you don't have time to deal with this doodad. You send it back whence it came. You are positive you will never regret this decision.

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>>4168147
>Draw forth Calculus Cap and put it on NPC.
You reach into your CHARISMA CAP and focus intently on the withdrawal of the CALCUTTA CAP.

Aw, gosh-darn it--you pulled out the CALCULUS CAP. What a development!

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>>4168368
You place the CALCULUS CAP on the head of the NPC and are instantly contrite. He delivers what is without a shadow of a doubt the greatest higher-level mathematics lesson ever conceived. It's exhausting.

>What will you do now?

>>4168370

See if there's anything intersting behind the staircase where Uncle Oinker's leg is.

>calculus cap

This is beautiful.

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>>4168618
>Check behind staircase.
That's ridiculous! Why would you ever feel the need to do such a thing. Ridiculous. Ridiculous.

Of course we know why you wouldn't. We know why you can't, and why no one ever will. Because then they would learn the secret. Their secret. But alas, reality has once again conspired such that know one ever see the truth.

Truly tragic.

>What will you do now?

>>4168370
remove the calculus cap from the NPC, wear it, and attempt to understand his blathering

>>4169136
Seconded.

>>4168999

Start a new thread. This deserves to be the top one and can't I stand when that happens after five days on here.

Also third to the calculus cap.

#4169319
Just turn on "Sort by Last Reply," dummy. Don't make a new thread, OP, it's bad etiquette. Wait until at least Page 8 or 9.