AW SHIT NEGRO, you're...Edward Roberts, space pirate, mecha pilot and owner of one of the galaxy's most unemotional faces, seemingly perpetually stuck in an expression of slight anger. Your closest buddy and crew mate, a literal space cowboy, Fester Winchester, was killed during your last mission. You then delivered his corpse to a wacko doctor to turn him into a cyborg as a method of resurrection, losing you 1 billion monies.In order to recoup your losses, you decided to take up a bounty to assassinate a rebel leader. But that plan went tits up and you were captured. Now your crew is attacking the rebel base in order to bust you out. What do?
Rolled 60 (1d100)>>3800701pucnh self in the face
Rolled 98 (1d100)>>3800701Spit out lockpick, pick the lock on your manacles. Then punch self in face
Rolled 53 (1d100)>>3800705Now. Roll 2d100 to unlock manacles using the lockpick in your mouth+20 bonus
Rolled 65, 44 = 109 (2d100)>>3800713just don't ask where bonus come from
Rolled 67, 4 = 71 (2d100)>>3800713check
>>3800716Where else? Murder. Killing enemies has qualified you as an Ace pilot last thread. Landing you a bunch of abilities. One of which is a +20 to any roll you make.
Rolled 32 (1d100)>>3800723Start murdering any rebels you see, starting with the one coming up
Rolled 14 (1d100)>>3800723Now we must make a decoy, not to raise suspicion
Rolled 15 (1d100)>>3800723Male a mental note to not trust batmen.
Rolled 54 (1d100)>>3800728Such a shame too. They were fans of you when you still pretended to work with them in order to get to their leader. Keyword: were.Anyway, roll 2d200 to murderize the rebel running up to your cell to check on you+20 bonus
Rolled 19, 30 = 49 (2d100)>>3800737
Rolled 53, 85 = 138 (2d200)>>3800737
Rolled 82, 15 = 97 (2d100)>>3800737
>>3800743you are welcome
Rolled 91 (1d100)>>3800741GOnna hit 'em with the ol' neck snap....Of course. You get that one rebel that forgot to strap in her helmet. The rebel slipped out and is about to shoot you!Roll 2d200+20 bonus
Rolled 42, 98 = 140 (2d100)>>3800749
>>3800750coming back with the save
>>3800750Unfortunately for the rebel, no helmet means no head protection. So you disarmed the rebel and kicked her in the face.
Rolled 92 (1d100)>>3800758A quick curbstomp for good measure.
Rolled 57 (1d100)>>3800758now disguise your self roberts
I just realized that we're supposed to be rolling d200s.
Rolled 47 (1d100)>>3800762Special Pirate Attack: The curbstompRoll 2d 200+20 bonus>>3800766Yes. But only for combat rolls.
Rolled 193, 64 = 257 (2d200)>>3800768Knock her out, because killing females in in bad taste
>>3800771Alr4ight. You curbstomped her.Non-lethally
Rolled 90 (1d100)>>3800775Loot the body.
Rolled 71 (1d100)>>3800775now DISGUISE yourself this armor is one size fits all. Made from Space Yoga Pants.
>>3800776You got some spare change. Ammo for the gun. And a keycard.
Rolled 29 (1d100)>>3800781Try to find an actual guy minion to kill
Rolled 54 (1d100)>>3800781What's the clearance level?
>>3800784>>3800786We can probably do both.
>>38007861. This rebel is just a regular one, so she doesn't have anything higher than that.
Rolled 32 (1d100)>>3800792very well, use her as a decoy and use her outfit as a freaking DISGUISE
Rolled 74 (1d100)>>3800792>>3800793We would probably need a male rebel to do that.
>>3800795Now where would you find one at this time."WHAT THE SHIT IS GOING ON HERE?!"
Rolled 66 (1d100)>>3800803Hello, question, are you a man?
>>3800806"Well yeah I mea--WHAT KINDA QUESTION IS THAT?! AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT REBEL OVER THERE?! STEP AWAY FROM HER WITH YOUR HANDS UP!"
Rolled 75 (1d100)>>3800818Now, there's no need for us to get rash... I'm only inches away from your friend, what happens if you miss?
Rolled 64 (1d100)>>3800818Punch self in face.
>>3800821"mmmrrrmmmm....THen..I'll HAVE YOU KNOW! IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO HER, THEN YOU WON'T MAKE IT OUT OF THIS CELL ALIVE!"
Rolled 44 (1d100)>>3800825Correction, YOU won't make it out of this cell alive.
Rolled 89 (1d100)>>3800825this your girl friend? She told me she liked you..."oh that rebel soldier" she said
Rolled 97 (1d100)>>3800828BLAST HIS HEAD OFF
Rolled 81 (1d100)>>3800828you are already dead
Rolled 86 (1d100)>>3800828Ignore that,>>3800829
>>3800833why it was on the wrong post anyways. I had a plan!
Rolled 55 (1d100)>>3800830Fester always did like the quick draw, Lesse if you can channel himRoll 2d 200+20 bonus
Rolled 132, 128 = 260 (2d200)>>3800841
Rolled 107, 49 = 156 (2d200)>>3800841good thing he is a space pirate or this wouldnt be easymode
Rolled 75 (1d100)>>3800853Loot his body and wear his suit, then wear the girl's helmet and start to carry her for an alibi
Rolled 57 (1d100)>>3800853How many more until Tomino personally congratulates us?
>>3800856>Loot his bodyinb4 pictures or something similar
>>3800856You got some spare change, another level 1 key card and a photo of two kids playing in a field. Anyway, you don your disguise and picked up the KO'd rebel. This should allow you to move through the base unhindered, especially with your crew still attacking it. Also remember to get back your sweet pirate coat
Rolled 92 (1d100)>>3800864Suddenly, PLOT
Rolled 97 (1d100)>>3800864take her to sick bay, I have a feeling we need a better key card to get our stuff back.
>>3800864He was also one week from retirement>>3800869Yeah a leader might be there getting treated
>>3800869You head to the sick bay, the rebel doctor is there tending to the wounded."Oh shit! Another casualty? Quickly, bring her inside. What happened?"
>>3800870or the doctor may have higher clearance, I mean its a rebel base right? they might be making bioweapons and what not.
Rolled 60 (1d100)>>3800876she fought off a prisoner valiantly and blew his head off, but after she took a blow to the back of the head. She passed out right after she made the kill.
>>3800878"Oh alright. Get back to the battle, soldier. I'll take care of it from here"
Rolled 1 (1d100)>>3800890Snap his neck
Rolled 32 (1d100)>>3800890roll for pick pocket
Rolled 36 (1d100)>>3800890Pretend to get back to the battle, but actually look for the rebel leader.
Rolled 17 (1d100)>>3800894Roll 2d100+20 bonus
Rolled 86, 91 = 177 (2d100)>>3800899Do the Skyrim thing where we pickpocket him naked
Rolled 79, 1 = 80 (2d100)>>3800899
Rolled 49, 70 = 119 (2d100)>>3800899
Rolled 19, 158 = 177 (2d200)>>3800899Somehow steal everything, including his clothes and his life
Rolled 5, 97 = 102 (2d100)>>3800899>>3800903Oops wrong dice
>>3800900"...wait a minute"
Rolled 91 (1d100)>>3800915Continue with ze plot
Rolled 43 (1d100)>>3800915smoke bomb!
Rolled 26 (1d100)>>3800915NAKED PERSON TRYING TO KIDNAP A GIRL ALERT, STOP HIM
>>3800917"DOCTOR! THE ENEMY HAS BREACHED OUR DEFENSES! WE'LL HAVE TO MOVE THE W----what the fuck is going on here"
Rolled 41 (1d100)>>3800928well my plan is tits upok throw the naked doctor into the troops and run!
Rolled 29 (1d100)>>3800928"The enemy is deploying illegal exotic weaponry to disintegrate our clothes. Those cheating bastards!"
Rolled 4 (1d100)>>3800928The doctor is stripping naked in front of the girl for some evil purpose, fellow rebels!
Rolled 16 (1d100)>>3800934Those BASTARDS!
Rolled 48 (1d100)>>3800939>*ahem*THOSE BASTARDS!
>>3800933"AH! MAN ASS!"
Rolled 11 (1d100)>>3800948RUN like that time when your ex caught you with her sister
Rolled 93 (1d100)>>3800948Grab tjhe girl and RUN TO THE ARMORY
Rolled 11 (1d100)>>3800948smoke bomb your way out and find your coat!
>>3800953I thought servers ate my post
>>3800953You grabbed the rebel, for some reason, perhaps as a hostage, maybe? I dunno. And run towards the armory. The doc's key card says 2 on it so you should be able to get in.
Rolled 48 (1d100)>>3800959Be able to get in and try to find your coat and loot some weapons in the meantime
>>3800962You got your sweet coat back. The down side is that moving around the base will immediately trigger alarms. The upside is that you look sick
Rolled 78 (1d100)>>3800968Well, they did say the base has been breached so try to find out what your friends are doing
>>3800973Listening to the blaring alarms with live updates across the base. It seems Jester managed to smash through a section of the base with his mech while The Black Horse bombards the area and distract the base's fighter planes. But it seems the rebels are gonna send out their own mechs soon to deal with this.
Rolled 61 (1d100)>>3800990Send them a signal of your location, and ask them to pick you up
Rolled 54 (1d100)>>3800990>>3800994This, also try to find the map while you hold your ground in the armory
>>3800994Luckily your coat is where you put your communicator. Jester will get to you in about 10 minutes. Hopefully nothing will hinder you by then
Rolled 1 (1d100)>>3801004Shout to the rebels that if they shoot, the girl dies with you
Rolled 1 (1d100)>>3801004YO I GOT THE BITCH, YOU GUYS GET IN HERE THE BITCH GET IT YAHEAR?!!!!
>>3801005"Damnit he's got a hostage""Then use flash or smoke first!""Maybe we can hold of this end and send somebody through the vents"
Rolled 8 (1d100)>>3801010YOU GUYS THINK I'M FOOLING AROUND? IF ANY OF YOU SO MUCH AS TOUCHES THE DOOR I'M GONNA STUFF THIS PIECE OF PIZZA IN HER MOUTH
Rolled 69 (1d100)>>3801010>>3801011IT'S HAWAIIAN
>>3801013jesus christ, have a mercy
Rolled 88 (1d100)>>3801028thats right with extra ham!
Rolled 47 (1d100)>>3801034>>3801028AND PINEAPPLE
>>3801034"Well actually the ham part aint so bad"
Rolled 81 (1d100)>>3801039AND TWICE THE PINEAPPLE
Rolled 20 (1d100)>>3801039Ignore >>3801042, it's actually triple.
Rolled 26 (1d100)>>3801051Some of the rebels immediately try to barge in while others try to stop them, resulting in a massive fight outside
Rolled 44 (1d100)>>3801051inb4 hostage is okay with hawaian pizza
>>3801055In her delirium, the unconscious rebel mutters in her sleep "mmm...pinapple...ham....yuuuummm..."
Rolled 41 (1d100)>>3801056Entire rebell cell breaks down
Rolled 19 (1d100)>>3801056YOU GUYS HEAR THAT? LISTEN HOW THE VERY NOTION OF THAT PIZZA SENDS HER INTO A DELIRIOUS FRIGHT!! NOW WHICH ONE OF YOU WANTS TO TRY ME?
>>3801057YOu can here them yelling from outside"THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE! THIS MONSTER HAS NO MERCY! WE'LL HAVE TO KILL HIM!""NO YOU FOOL! DONT YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S CAPABLE OF WITH THAT KIND OF PIZZA! CALM YOURSELF!""AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA""I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORRREEEEEE""PINEAPPLE ISN"T SUPPOSED TO GO ON A PIZZA! FRUIT ISN'T SUPPOSED TO GO WITH SAVORY STUFF! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!NO!""I'M ONLY 1 WEEK AWAY FROM RETIREMENT!"
Rolled 93 (1d100)>>3801063Throw one holopiece of hawaiian pizza into the corridor to show that you're not joking
Rolled 6 (1d100)>>3801063aaand commercial break for pineapple pizza, while time skips to point of Jester arrival only to find place of massacre.
Rolled 48 (1d100)>>3801067Well that will get them distr-OH SHIT IT'S THE REBEL CAPTAIN
Rolled 20 (1d100)>>3801067and now we wait
>>3801068Of course! The captain of this squad, obviously the leader due to the horn on his helmet. He's the only survivor!"YOU MONSTER! YOU KILLED MY MEN! YOU WON'T LEAVE HERE ALIVE!"
Rolled 11 (1d100)>>3801083Who are you referring to when you say "you"? Do you mean, me and myself or is it merely you subconsciously referring to yourself in third person, knowing that you stand no chance to leave this place a live?
Rolled 12 (1d100)>>3801083"HERE, HAVE SOME HAWAIIAN"
Rolled 49 (1d100)>>3801083>>3801087>>3801089
Rolled 49 (1d100)>>3801083I didn't do nuffin'
Rolled 31 (1d100)>>3801100Check our watch, Jester should be arriving any time soon right?
Rolled 47 (1d100)>>3801100Throw him a "pineapple" aka a grenade
Rolled 89 (1d100)>>3801100Call Gespe..! I mean Call Jester!For dramatic appearance!
Rolled 80 (1d100)>>3801100KEELHAUL
>>3801105Jester then suddenly crushes the captain with the Justiciar. All is well and I gotta go for a while brehs. Will resume later. shit
>>3801113By later do you mean midnight
>>3801113thanks for bread so far, OPGood luck with your daily routine in gulag
>>3801113And by later he means come back next week
Think I'm gonna start trying to kill of Edward soon
just sat down and suddenly everything started spinning and I saw my life flashed before my eyesthe shit
>>3801415they must not clean out the fungus very often in your gulag cell
>>3801465>assuming there's even gonna be any cleaning at all
>>3801415OP don't go dying on us.We need you roundy and healthy.Don't eat rabid dogs anymore.
>>3801387He'll probably kill you off
>>3801465Goddamnit this post is actually prophetic. Went to the doc today and I've been unwell because I got an ear infection, and there is indeed fungus in there.
>>3803699what, my son?
>>3803700You need to start taking care of yourself. how many times now has this hpapened
And then OP died in the flames of the nuclear apocalypse, along with 7 billion others.
>>3803692Did he give you any medicine
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/OtomycosisOP spent too much time in the water
>>3803692In a shocking twist, OP was the gulag all along
>>3803704Technically this is only the second time I have an ear infection that has grown fungus.The last time was in the other ear
>>3803700You need to go easy on the Shrooms if you getting fungus in the ears, OP.
>>3803711Hosed out my ear with...some stuff and gave me...pills>>3803718Perhaps the real gulag is the friends me arrested along the way
>>3803723Turns out op is the oppresserHe at least you have excuse to not whip people
>>3803727I'm not oppressing anybody. We're all equal here
>>3803736The oppressed would say nothing because they're too busy being oppressed
>edward will revolt against the players every time they try to get him killed
>5 yearsso I'm not expecting a thread until I'm 70 then
>>3807503Let's ;push for 90 instead!
Rolled 74 (1d100)Punch self
op stop oppressing people and do what you promised
>>3816585I was stuck in traffic, there's a storm going on here, jeez
Rolled 74 (1d100)>>3816606you miss my orc birthday too.
>>3816606Is the storm called the 'Surge of Communism'?
>>3816609much apologies, here cake
Rolled 7 (1d100)>>3816618you are not dying anymore, OP?Stop doing that.
>>3816628I make no promises.
Rolled 38 (1d100)>>3816634The drones need you, OP.They look up to you.Don't leave them.
Rolled 50 (1d100)>>3816634Back to story
Rolled 45 (1d100)>>3816634anyway, continuing with the plot...
>>3816638Right. Jester just used the Justiciar to stomp a hole in the hallway, squishing the squad leader and giving you a chance to regroup with your crew!
Rolled 12 (1d100)>>3816652Caress own faceFastUsing knuckles
Rolled 70 (1d100)>>3816652Ask Jester to give both you and the girl you "saved" a lift
Rolled 49 (1d100)>>3816652regroup but also punch self in the face
>>3816654"Captain! She's bleeding! Good of you to save her then!"
Rolled 71 (1d100)>>3816665Yes...because I'm totally a good guy and not an amoral pirate lord with psychotic tendencies
>>3816665>>3816672Now hurry up and carry her to the ship and tell me if you know where the mech bay is
Rolled 100 (1d100)>>3816665>>3816676
>>3816678Jesus anon, calm down
>>3816678"Alright, cap'n. Returning to ship. And I think their mech bay is over yonder on the other side of their base"Anyway, Jester is carrying you back to the ship. Since that's where you're keeping your own mech too. Let's hope amidst all this boom boom explosions, nothing terrible happens that would hinder your progress
Rolled 68 (1d100)>>3816688something terrible happens to Fester again
Rolled 32 (1d100)>>3816688Something terrible happens, BANDIT ATE ALL THE SAUSAGES!!!
Rolled 81 (1d100)>>3816688Something nice happens to Fester for once
>>3816692MEANWHILE, OVER AT THE MAD DOCTOR'S SPACE BACK ALLEY CLINIC"hmmmm....interesting"The doc is making a breakthrough on Fester's procedure! Success chances are up
Rolled 93 (1d100)>>3816703Back to Edward, where we reach the ship without incident
Rolled 86 (1d100)>>3816703plot advances
>>3816705Ah, the power of offscreen travelling"Yo Ed! You okay? And who the hell's that?"
Rolled 49 (1d100)>>3816713"A rebel. We're going to interrogate her."
Rolled 69 (1d100)>>3816713Punch self to avoid questions
Rolled 83 (1d100)>>3816713>>3816717But don't tell Jester that.
>>3816720"Alright, gotta put her into medical first to wake her. Anyway, you jumping in the Davy Jones and joining the fight?"
Rolled 76 (1d100)>>3816724Yes, and order the ship to blast the mech bay on the other side of the base
Rolled 95 (1d100)>>3816724No, sound the retreat instead. There's nothing left for us here
Rolled 17 (1d100)>>3816724yeah ok
>>3816734except for the bounty
>>3816734What this anon >>3816740 said. Since we already betrayed the rebels. They're gonna be hostile from now on and we got no other chances to get close to the Leader
Rolled 50 (1d100)>>3816753Very well then, throw her into medical and call the crew, were going after the fucker!
Rolled 3 (1d100)>>3816753Sound out to the rebels attacking the ship that we have women on board and if the ship is destroyed they die.Governments will come down hard on them for being girlkillers
>>3816756Alright cap'n, what are ye orders?
Rolled 40 (1d100)>>3816764>>3816757
Rolled 64 (1d100)>>3816764...FUCK 'EM UP...after finding their leader
>>3816769"Aye aye captain." your crew answered
Rolled 88 (1d100)>>3816786Not, to preparations montage!
Rolled 81 (1d100)>>3816794He means "now", so please don't skip it.
>>3816618aw and the candles make a 3d tusks as well
>>3816794Alright. The Davy Jones got tuned to maximum output by the mechanic, weapons are ready, energy tanks are full and you're getting up into the cockpit
Rolled 30 (1d100)>>3816817Play your theme song
Rolled 40 (1d100)>>3816817Put on our hat and to battle!
>>3816828Edward Roberts! Launching
Rolled 4 (1d100)>>3816846Some people might say "that's too gaudy for a pirate hat", but fuck 'em.
Rolled 99 (1d100)>>3816846THEME SONG
>>3816876Alright. So what's your theme song then, cap'n?
Rolled 74 (1d100)>>3816884https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRh-dzrI4Z4&ab_channel=Sunderbraze
Rolled 17 (1d100)>>3816884https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W5gP5YDDeGg but slightly different to avoid copyright.
>>3816908The enemy has deployed their own mechs! But they are taken aback by the loud sweeping orchestral music overriding their intercoms as you make your descent! How you gonna start this thing? Perhaps a diving kick straight into one of em?
Rolled 45 (1d100)>>3816919No need to play fair against the rebels, FIRE THE MAIN CANNON OF THE SHIP INTO THEIR BIGGEST CONCENTRATION...arrrr
Rolled 17, 42, 37, 93, 88, 53, 29, 30, 11, 25 = 425 (10d100)>>3816927As the Davy Jones makes it way down, you ordered the crew to fire The Black Horse's main cannon at the biggest group of rebel mechs. The front of the ship opens up, the skull emblem dislocates its jaws as the hidden cannon is revealed, charging up massive amount of energy for a devastating blast!Roll 2d100+20 Ace bonus for you
Rolled 18, 71 = 89 (2d100)>>3816940This might've been a bad idea in retrospect, maybe some sneaking, hmmm do we have governments number?Either way, FIRE
>>3816944The beam cuts through the air and hits straight in the middle of the largest enemy mech squad. The massive explosion took out all of them except one lone rebel who managed to boost away in time! Now the main cannon gotta recharge
Rolled 46 (1d100)>>3816963Jester! Lets go after this guy!
>>3816967Jester, after taking out a couple of rebel mechs that were obstructing him, links up with you to take down the remaining rebel mech. But this guy is staying in the air zipping around, suppressing you both with machine gun fire
Rolled 20 (1d100)>>3816992You got a gun? As I only have a sword, Fester was the gun dude who went into melee fight for some reason
>>3816994"My Justiciar got a chest blaster, captain. It's powerful but not very accurate""Captain, the Black Horse is also equipped with a laser gun for long ranged encounters" your ship AI reminded you.
Rolled 55 (1d100)>>3817024Oh yeah, do that
Rolled 17 (1d100)>>3817036Fire your chest laser.
Rolled 63 (1d100)>>3817036We have to use"That."
Rolled 40 (1d100)>>3817036Fire the horse lasers
Rolled 32 (1d100)>>3817046YesTHE MYSTERY BOX
>>3817055The mystterious mystery box that you got form a space merchant long ago. Dare you open it and peer into its mysterious contents?
Rolled 98 (1d100)>>3817093Spare gi m dinm a drunken lapse ofjugementm fl y wayay
Rolled 1 (1d100)>>3817131open(and leave rest to anonsm im going noodnight)
Rolled 29 (1d100)>>3817131Consume the mystery box
Rolled 80 (1d100)>>3817131Dewit.
>>3817147Inside you find......a coupon that gives you 50% off on your next purchase of novelty boxes with dumb symbols on them
Rolled 45 (1d100)>>3817163Okay, now fire the chest beam.
Rolled 38 (1d100)>>3817177Roll 2d100
Rolled 4, 76 = 80 (2d100)>>3817195
>>3817211The blast hit the rebel and he went down
Rolled 39 (1d100)>>3817262Now, where's the lead?
>>3817266Naturally, the rebel leader has gotten into his own mech to fight you
Rolled 27 (1d100)>>3817292Would you believe me if I said we genuinely believed he had information to help you?
>>3817299"Doesn't matter, now that you've already killed my men and destroyed base"
Rolled 98 (1d100)>>3817309Well that wouldn't have happened if you actually let me explain, would it? :^)
Rolled 66 (1d100)>>3817309Well they started it...either way...prepare to be captured and returned to authorities
Rolled 3 (1d100)>>3817315"Unlikely"He's gonna fire off a volley of missiels at you!Roll 2d200He has a +70 BonusYou have a +60 bonus
Rolled 7, 10 = 17 (2d100)>>3817350NOT THE MISSIELS!
Rolled 9, 57 = 66 (2d100)>>3817350
>>3817362Thanks to your counter skill, you fired off your pistol at the rebel leader. Causing him unbalance and interrupting his missile launch
Rolled 17 (1d100)>>3817385NOW JESTER, ALL OUT
Rolled 22 (1d100)>>3817385KEELHAUL
Rolled 70 (1d100)>>3817398Roll 2d100He has +35Jester has +25
Rolled 39, 50 = 89 (2d100)>>3817427Ffffuggg
Rolled 6, 25 = 31 (2d100)>>3817427
Rolled 28, 53 = 81 (2d100)>>3817427
>>3817447He dodged it!
Rolled 59 (1d100)>>3817453Will he dodge my sword?
Rolled 58 (1d100)>>3817453Edwards eye burns bright red ruh roh
Rolled 5 (1d100)>>3817457Roll 2d200 to find out!He has +35 bonusYou have +30 bonus
Rolled 48, 50 = 98 (2d100)>>3817501Maybe
>>3817501>>3817505SLICE HIM IN HALF
I feel like Edward is Dice Gods favorite while Fester is hated by him
>>3817505We're not even using d200s.
>>3817517Ah fuck, forgot, got too used to 2d100
>>3817505>>3817513Edward managed to slip through the rebel leader's defenses and give his mech a good slash while still not using the d200 for combat he gained from becoming an ACE pilot.Meanwhile Dice God denies all accusations of having a pirate bias
Rolled 24 (1d100)>>3817525Try to take his cockpit with the pilot inside, alive
Rolled 22 (1d100)>>3817531Roll 2d200He has +35 bonusYou have +30 bonus
Rolled 40, 178 = 218 (2d200)>>3817563Come oooon
>>3817567You ripped out the cockpit! Leaving the mech still relatively intact!
Rolled 8 (1d100)>>3817607Alright, haul mech into the shit and throw him into a cell, set course to the [Insert nations name here] capital...or wherever we can drop him off, were done here...arrrrr
>>3817607Tell Jester to take the mech after checking for explosives and take the leader into the brig.What was the requirement the gubmint give us for the bounty again?
>>3817615With their leader taken. The remaining rebels lost all morale and dispersed. Their base is lost and their rebellion is a failure. You put the leader in the Black Horse's brig and stored his mech in your hangar. Then you blasted off towards the ruling government's capital planet to collect your reward!I feel like im dying again so a break now is needed. Will resume in about 50 years later.
Rolled 71 (1d100)>>3817631
Rolled 15 (1d100)>>3817643cut to rebel leader crying over having shitty rolls
does anyone have a revive spell for op and fester
I can't believe OP is fucking dead again
>>3822359damn i cant believe it
Rolled 15 (1d100)>>3822391Awaken OP, your 70 years of slav-, I mean GLORIOUS help to the communist Party is not done yet!
Rolled 22 (1d100)>>3822391No time to waste! We must proceed with PLOT so that we can end robots forever!
Rolled 45 (1d100)>>3822398Drop off the rebel leader to the govurnmint for a fat check
Rolled 41 (1d100)>>3822398Now BACK TO PLOOOOOOOT
>>3822391what a dead op
>>3822399And so you hand the rebel leader over to the ruling government of this system. He curses your name and his own shitty dice rolls, he is dragged away, to be transported into the system's maximum security prison planet wherein he will spend the remainder of his days, when he dies, his closest living relative will take his place in order to pay for his sins. He questions why a space pirate would work for the government. And to be fair, privateers were a thing back on Old Earth so you're merely practicing that in space, for phat loot."Payment received, captain" the Black Horse's AI informs you as millions of credits are transferred into your account. Maybe you're finally be able to pay off that mysterious phone bill you had. Nevertheless. This bounty is completed and Dai informs you that Fester's procedure is halfway complete. Time to find something else to do in the meantime.Oh and the female rebel is still in the brig, but you can deal with that later.
Rolled 40 (1d100)>>3822424Yeah, we can "deal with that" later. YesFor now, it's time to pick a new bounty
Rolled 38 (1d100)>>3822424As turn out the government isn't even that evil, just has an image problemEither way, check on Fester
>>3822428And the only one left on the list is that one guy that kicked both yours and Fester's ass when you tried to go after him the first time. But that was back then. Now you are better. Stronger. Have another mech backing you up. Your psychopathic tendencies are controlled and you also have that rebel leader mech in the hangar. Could probably use that thing to upgrade the Davy Jones.
Rolled 28 (1d100)>>3822443Accept bounty and set course for his location!Now in the meantime, lets see that rebel in the brig
Rolled 50 (1d100)>>3822443Hmmm. lets go after the clown who tried to assassinate us, Smith is for buddy fight with resurrected Fester
>>3822453Yes. Chuckles. Clown Warlord from the Pierrot Sector. He must have gone after you on the behalf of the Intergalactic Clown Parliament. On account of all the clown murders you committed during you pre-Fester days of piracy.
Rolled 37 (1d100)>>3822467Lets fuck him up, there must be a reward for his head posted by the Mime Federation
Rolled 100 (1d100)>>3822467Thoughts, mechanic?
>>3822470"Well first of all captain, I'm just a mechanic, why are ya asking for my thoughts on the matter. Secondly, if he already sent an assassin after you, no doubt he'll send more until you're dead. So taking him out would make future ventures less complicated. We already have a race of hostile xenos gunning for us, afterall. We don't need to add a legion of clowns to that."
Rolled 51 (1d100)>>3822483Lets do it thenSet course for... clown world
Rolled 74 (1d100)>>3822483Hmmmmyes, we kill him! Dai! Check is Mime Federation has a bounty on him!
>>3822488"Yes captain. Chuckles is wanted dead or alive by the Mime Federation for....."Roll 2d200
Rolled 40, 27 = 67 (2d100)>>3822493
Rolled 3, 40 = 43 (2d100)>>3822493Bet he repainted a group of them again
>>3822495>>3822496OP looks at your illiteracy with disdain
Rolled 77, 118 = 195 (2d200)>>3822503I have the power
Rolled 173, 192 = 365 (2d200)>>3822503I'am the cheese
>>3822507"19 million and 200 thousand credits. That's the price on Chuckles' head"
Rolled 83 (1d100)>>3822511Its time for Chuckles, to meet my knuckles, eh? Eh?
>>3822514The Black Horse travels, SILENTLY, through hyperspace. Not one of the crew made a sound.
Rolled 37 (1d100)>>3822518Lets see to that prisoner in the meantime
>>3822525You head to the brig*elevator music. in space*
Rolled 20 (1d100)>>3822539Dumdedumdedum...SO PRISONER! YOUR LEADER IS IMPRISONED! YOUR FORCES DESTROYED! YOU HAVE NOTHING LEFT!...JOIN ME OR....hmmm...no, maybe more insidious speech
>>3822545Yes, big bad evil space pirate needs a better evil villain speech
Rolled 36 (1d100)>>3822556HURRY FASTER ELEVATOR
Rolled 9 (1d100)>>3822556Roll for it
Rolled 1 (1d100)>>3822556>>3822563
>>3822560Damnit, this thing was always slow. Gotta have the mechanic look at it later
Rolled 24 (1d100)>>3822573>>3822563Either that or OP is delaying for some reason
Rolled 21 (1d100)>>3822573Use this time to contemplate mortality of cowboys , what to even do with the prisoner and the word of the MegaBlackbeard
>>3822577It' actually because OP needed a filler post to go take a shit.Anyway you've reached the brig. The rebel is safe and secured inside her cell. Staring at you with the intensity of a person trying to explode your head with her mind
Rolled 96 (1d100)>>3822602stare backmake her think you can do the same
Rolled 59 (1d100)>>3822614So...[Insert evil pirate speech here]
Rolled 86 (1d100)>>3822614Join me
Rolled 13 (1d100)>>3822614So, what are we gonna do with her? Does she even have a place to go to? She'd probably be a burden if we don't dump her somewhere.
>>3822620Your quick and simple offer is met with silence from inside the jail cell
Rolled 37 (1d100)>>3822625>>3822622
Rolled 89 (1d100)>>3822625Welp! I tried, I really did. Guess we have no option but to sell her as a slave to space elfs. You have no idea the kind of shit those fuckers do
>>3822631Anon, why do you even want her to join?
>>3822631Yes. Things such as...forcing you to express your emotions, making you solve problems without violence and eating a healthy diet. You shudder at the thought
Rolled 38 (1d100)>>3822659Is she of any real use or would it be better to dump her on planet Bu-M4K in the Nowhere system?
Rolled 39 (1d100)>>3822659Sell her to slavery no further use of her. Just keep it hush-hush
>>3822672I'm pretty sure Jester would have issue that.
>>3822674That's why we keep it hush-hush anon
>>3822667Lessee, pros and cons.Pros:- Soldier, so has combat experience- Female, fills out diversity quota- Probably will constantly trying to kill you if not fully turned. Keeps you on your toes. Honing your skills.Cons:- Constantly trying to kill you
Rolled 15 (1d100)>>3822679that's actually not bad. CONGRATULATIONS you are now conscripted into my crew
Rolled 38 (1d100)>>3822679Ask Bandit for opinion about the rebel.
Rolled 1 (1d100)>>3822688>>3822683we need to make plot happen
>>3822695"wait what"That made her talk
Rolled 100 (1d100)>>3822702Here's your space pirate uniform. Door's unlocked, I expect you to be ready for duty in 2 hours. Also, here is your complimentary chainsword
Rolled 100 (1d100)>>3822702You heard me. You havw nowhere else to go, since the gubmint is probably looking for stragglers, so might as well.
>>3822704>>3822705>>3822707>>3822708Explaining that the government is looking for rebel remnants while you were looking for new members, her rebel soldiering is just the kind of moxie this crew needs. So you unlocked her cell, handed her a uniform alongside the complimentary chainsword and told her to be on deck in 2 hours.
Rolled 54 (1d100)>>3822714Now proceed towards Chuckles
>>3822716Soon you are back on the bridge. Joined by the newest addition to the crew. Still confused and silently questioning her life choices.Next stop: Clown WorldContinuing in:18 hoursOP gotta die again
>>3822728She shall be...Bandit 2, with Bandit being her direct supervisor
Been missing threads since we first upgraded Fester's mechglad I missed fucking everything
>>3822728>inb4 the rebel makes mechanic jealous when Fester comes back
>>3823539Unfortunately Fester is no longer with us>>3823638Why would she be jealous
>>3823766>Why would she be jealoustechnically she can become Marshal's pilot while Fester is out and then Fester gets mech back and she becomes jellyor I don't know that Marshal was destroyed cause I didn't keep with the plot
>>3823783Well it wasn't destroyed, just heavily damaged.But we did just captured the rebel leader mech. We can use that to fix up the Marshal instead of upgrading our own mech.And we do need another pilot....
Rolled 54 (1d100)>>3823790IntrastingI mean one thing giving rebel chainsword, it'll keep you entertained, sure.But giving her a mech, now that sounds like a proper training routine
Rolled 50 (1d100)>>3823790Is this the surprise early bread? those are my favorite
Rolled 92 (1d100)>>3823801It'll also add to her growing confusion for hilarious sake
Rolled 41 (1d100)>>3823801Where the is lamb sauce
>>3823802Of course. Who knows, maybe you'll get a space pirate outta her. So give her the Marshal to operate in battle?
Rolled 19 (1d100)>>3823801Don't actually do that, you're supposed to be the straight man.
Rolled 65 (1d100)>>3823813Let's do itI'm sure Fester will understand.
Rolled 13 (1d100)>>3823813Sure. But if we give her the marshal, we must do the initiation ceremony! Strap her to a chair
>>3823817Hmm, that is also a possibility. She was a mere grunt rebel after all.Oh and her confusion's wearing off - here comes her first attempt on your life.
Rolled 65 (1d100)>>3823819humor her with some fencing
Rolled 9 (1d100)>>3823819Strap her to a chair, it's time for her initiation ceremony
Rolled 63 (1d100)>>3823819While you're fending her off internally consider the merits of setting her up with Fester, he could use a girlfriend to drag him back from the deep end.
Rolled 72 (1d100)>>3823820Roll 2D200+20 bonus for ya
Rolled 52, 65 + 20 = 137 (2d100 + 20)>>3823828
Rolled 64, 72 = 136 (2d200)>>3823828
Rolled 70, 56 = 126 (2d100)>>3823828
good things anons are illeterate
>>3823834Shut the fuck up>pic related: its u
>>3823830The secret to why you kept gifting newcomers chainswords is that you secretly have a beam cutlass that can cut through them. But for now you use your backup chainsword to keep up the ruse
Rolled 79 (1d100)>>3823842Make a mental note to take Fester's chainsword away, we all remember what he uses it for
Rolled 52 (1d100)>>3823842parry effortlessly, wonder internally if she would make a good girlfriend for festerbecause fester needs SOMEONE to replace you
Rolled 36 (1d100)>>3823842perfect planwhen is time for lunch again? I don't have all day to use on fencing
>>3823847FLAAAAASHBAAAACK"mmmm.....my ass kinda itches, and I don't wanna dirty my fingers, hmmmmm"
Rolled 38 (1d100)>>3823853wrong flashbackit was toothbrush replacement
Rolled 82 (1d100)>>3823853Try not to go deeper into the mental scene.Go deeper anyway.
Rolled 99 (1d100)>>3823853I thought he used it as an automatic toothbrush
>>3823857Being the captain's buddy means you get 2 chainswords, the toothbrush was the other one
Rolled 63 (1d100)>>3823860reminisce about all the times your past female crew members tried to kill you and the good times you had defending against them and not killing themas compared to the male crew members, whose best fate was getting stabbed in the stomach
Rolled 81 (1d100)>>3823860absent-mindedly spar with one hand against the rebel while we wait to arrive at Clown World
>>3823865Space looks pretty nice tonight
Rolled 81 (1d100)>>3823875Sip some Earl Grey tea
Rolled 11 (1d100)>>3823875Eventually she gets exhausted
Rolled 48 (1d100)>>3823875reminisce with violent new crewmember about the time you beat the crap out of her and shanghaied her.
Rolled 68 (1d100)>>3823883talk with the AI for a bit, it's been quite a long time since you actually had a conversation with it
Rolled 19 (1d100)>>3823883offer rebel a cookie
Rolled 61 (1d100)>>3823883consider the merits of earl grey vs darjeeling
Rolled 4 (1d100)>>3823877>>3823883
Rolled 27 (1d100)>>3823883i miss fester.... so does bandit
>>3823885"Greetings captain, I see you;ve found a new recruit"
Rolled 7 (1d100)>>3823899Hello, AI. I heard Fester thought we didn't know we had an AI
Rolled 98 (1d100)>>3823899how long till we reach clown world? we must advance PLOT
>>3823907>>3823907"About an hour or two, cap'n. The coordinates are hidden behind a honking field"
Rolled 92 (1d100)>>3823912Has the girl tired out yet?
Rolled 68 (1d100)>>3823912Blackmail the rebel with her love of hawaiian pizza
Rolled 46 (1d100)>>3823912Do >>3823915
>>3823914"hufff...huf....g-giving up yet?"
Rolled 85 (1d100)>>3823925Remember, I expect to be killed at least 4 times a day, no less.You can rest now, see you after lunch
Rolled 28 (1d100)>>3823925You alright?
>>3823926"Dddd---damn you, Robertssss...."
>>3823933Wait, I didn't even introduce myself
Rolled 65 (1d100)>>3823937>>3823933
Rolled 52 (1d100)>>3823933Lunch is at 12:00, don't be late.Proper nutrition is a must.
Rolled 7 (1d100)>>3823933Bandit consoles
Rolled 33 (1d100)>>3823933Tell her you have hawaiian pizza
>>3823939The rebels already know who you are when you worked for them for a while in order to get to their leader
Rolled 44 (1d100)>>3823960PLOT
Rolled 47 (1d100)>>3823960Oh look it's the clown planet
Rolled 84 (1d100)>>3823974Everyone be on guard. This place can drive a man crazy. Don't laugh, don't smile
Rolled 31 (1d100)>>3823974>>3823979And whatever you do, do not blink!
>>3823979entering Clown World atmosphere
Rolled 59 (1d100)>>3823991INCOMING MESSAGE FROM CLOWN PLANET
Rolled 8 (1d100)>>3823991atmosphere annoys harmful rays away with clown puns
Rolled 80 (1d100)>>3823991Signs point the way toward a circus
>>3823995The message is a sound file of circus music on loop.
Rolled 39 (1d100)>>3824002Jester is the only one enjoying it
Rolled 41 (1d100)>>3824002Well that's to be expected, make landing, everyone, don the makeup and wigs, don't forget the noses
>>3824005What makup and wigs. You're here to murder clowns, not join em
Rolled 53 (1d100)>>3824008>>3824004
Rolled 96 (1d100)>>3824008See if you can locate Chuckles! That's what we're here for.
Rolled 51 (1d100)>>3824008Its called disguise!
>>3824010Chuckles resides inside the Big Top of his War Circus
Rolled 65 (1d100)>>3824015We should destroy the planet with itHow much is the bounty for the entire planet
Rolled 92 (1d100)>>3824015All guns on target! FIRE!
Rolled 172 (1d200)>>3824019Roll 2d200 to eradicate these clowns
Rolled 80, 135 = 215 (2d200)>>3824021
Wait, NOW everybody is scared to roll?
Rolled 176, 72 = 248 (2d200)>>3824021
Rolled 7, 132 = 139 (2d200)>>3824021
>>3824022The Black Horse fires off a volley of gunfire and missiles. But they were ineffective against the Clown Barrier
Rolled 18 (1d100)>>3824037It retaliates with more annoying clown music
Rolled 3 (1d100)>>3824037Drop the Antijoke Bomb.
Rolled 34 (1d100)>>3824042The Big Clown Head atop the Big Top opens up its pointy hair to reveal sonic cannons! It's blasting annoying clown music straight at the Black Horse!Roll 2d200!
Rolled 64, 17 = 81 (2d200)>>3824051RESIST
Rolled 11, 54 = 65 (2d200)>>3824051
Rolled 170, 59 = 229 (2d200)>>3824051
>>3824058Someone will fuck it up
>>3824057The Black Horse deploys its own shields and blocks the attack!The circus is now alerted!
Rolled 58 (1d100)>>3824062Get down there with our mechs, its showtime
Rolled 58 (1d100)>>3824062Time to call down jester
>>3824064You and Jester drops down in your mech. Ready for battle. The battle that will commence....tomorrow. As OP gotta die again. shit
>>3824082>commence....tomorrowAka next year
Rolled 23 (1d100)>>3825661Have we started the fire?
Rolled 41 (1d100)>>3825662Nah, it was always burning since the world's been turning
Rolled 58 (1d100)>>3825661It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine
>>3825669How dare you
Rolled 88 (1d100)>>3825674wait a second, where are those fireballs coming from?
>>3825680Oh that's just the apocalypse dragon, here to kill us all in 2020, but that's not important right now
Rolled 34 (1d100)>>3825680Remember the old russian reversal meme?
Rolled 17 (1d100)>>3825685So. Lets kick start this circus show
Rolled 16 (1d100)>>3825685back to the plot with you and the guy most likely to be killed by you fighting clowns
Rolled 75 (1d100)>>3825685Luckily, the communist overlords were the first to die, so OP can continue with the plot
Rolled 36 (1d100)>>3825689Anyway, the circus' defenses activate and massive cannons sprouts up!Roll 2d200+20 bonus
Rolled 123, 32 = 155 (2d200)>>3825690
Rolled 116, 91 = 207 (2d200)>>3825690
Rolled 175, 91 = 266 (2d200)>>3825690
>>3825695The cannons fire off exploding pies! You dodged the projectiles successfully.
Rolled 68 (1d100)>>3825700fire back
Rolled 2 (1d100)>>3825701Roll 2d200+20 bonus
Rolled 121, 181 = 302 (2d200)>>3825705
Rolled 151, 197 = 348 (2d200)>>3825705
>>3825706>>3825710You whip out your beam pistol and destroys one of the cannons.Meanwhile, suspicions against dice god's clear pirate bias continue to rise
Rolled 51 (1d100)>>3825712Chuckles shows up
Rolled 97 (1d100)>>3825712Destroy the rest
Rolled 25 (1d100)>>3825716Roll 2d20020 bonoos
Rolled 160, 162 = 322 (2d200)>>3825724
>>3825726Cannons are down!
Rolled 54 (1d100)>>3825730And Bandit borks!
Rolled 14 (1d100)>>3825730Heeeeres Chuckles
Rolled 76 (1d100)>>3825738Now continue to the attack!
>>3825740Chuckles sends out his troops! Clown Battlecars incoming!
Rolled 88 (1d100)>>3825751Black horse provides fire support
Rolled 93 (1d100)>>3825757The Black Horse provides covering fire across the battlefield! Scrambling the clown car squad and eve taking out some!Now roll 2d200
Rolled 170, 64 = 234 (2d200)>>3825765
Rolled 179, 75 = 254 (2d200)>>3825765
Rolled 155, 60 = 215 (2d200)>>3825765
>>3825770The remaining clown cars focused their fire on you! The combined barrage was too much and you couldn't dodge in time. The Davy Jones had to block their cannon shots
Rolled 45, 90 = 135 (2d200)>>3825765
Rolled 36 (1d100)>>3825787Look behind you clown cars
>>3825789You told the clowns to look behind themselves, and were met with[confused honk]
Rolled 66 (1d100)>>3825796Take the opportunity to jump over the cars and locate Chuckles
>>3825799You engaged thrusters and zips past their defensive line. Jester's Justiciar is more tanky so he'll deal with these clowns while you go after the Chuckles
Rolled 33 (1d100)>>3825806Call them gay while we run off
Rolled 63 (1d100)>>3825821Now give chase while we think of a good pun to say when we get there
Rolled 46 (1d100)>>3825821Think about how you're gonna blast the planet into bits later
Rolled 37 (1d100)>>3825824You blast straight for the Big Top!Roll 2d200
Rolled 143, 151 = 294 (2d200)>>3825838Chuckle this fucker!
Rolled 153, 112 = 265 (2d200)>>3825838You've had your last laugh!
>>3825844With a mighty blast of your pirate pistol, you blew up the Big Top! The explosion sends the giant clown head atop it flying into the air!
Rolled 85 (1d100)>>3825851Do a victory pose
Rolled 22 (1d100)>>3825851GRAB IT
>>3825857The giant clown head comes crashing down onto the ground. But you had your back to it and crossed the Davy Jones' arms in a cool guy pose
Rolled 60 (1d100)>>3825867Sweet. Check inside the head
Rolled 15 (1d100)>>3825867Punch it to grab Chuckles
>>3825868As you get closer, your comms suddenly go haywire and laughter fills your cockpit. Chuckles has finally decided to make contact
Rolled 22 (1d100)>>3825875Yeah?
Rolled 70 (1d100)>>3825875Think about murdering all the clowns as he speaks
>>3825877"EHEHEHEHE! OH CAPTAIN MY CAPTAIN, SO NICE OF YOU TO VISIT ME, I THOUGHT I WAS GON----"You stopped paying attention to him as visions of supreme clown genocide fill your mind
Rolled 81 (1d100)>>3825885Yeah, fuck you! What'd'ya want?
Rolled 61 (1d100)>>3825885That's why you give everyone chainswords, they need to be prepared
>>3825887"...w-what do you mean what do I want. I just told you. Weren't you listening?"
>>3825896I have a bad short-term memory so your joke needs to be shorter.
Rolled 46 (1d100)>>3825896No
Rolled 28 (1d100)>>3825896Sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of gunfire>start shooting
Rolled 44 (1d100)>>3825896Oh, did you want to be killed? Let me help you with that.
>>3825900"Wow man, that's just rude"
Rolled 62 (1d100)>>3825906Maybe you should get to the punchline faster.
Rolled 89 (1d100)>>3825906So is sending an assassin without declaring me your eternal enemy publicly
Rolled 66 (1d100)>>3825906You're talking to a high-functioning psychopath, being rude is the BEST thing I can be right now.Also you will now die.
>>3825911"With all the clown murder you've committed. By default you're already every clown's public enemy number one"
Rolled 60 (1d100)>>3825915How was I supposed to know that heckling is lethal to clowns?
Rolled 4 (1d100)>>3825915That's not fair, my best friend is kind of a clown and I got no letters that declared nemesishood on me
>>3825916"People heckle either by booing loudly, yelling about how the performance sucks or throwing produce. Sometimes all three. You heckle by throwing llive grenades and chainswords at the clowns"[annoyed honk]You were only trying to see if they could juggle. Evidently not.
Rolled 36 (1d100)>>3825923Now then, grenades and chainswords are considered produce in certain worlds and I was said those clowns are top stuff
Rolled 44 (1d100)>>3825923Any REAL clown could juggle a chainsword or two dozen.
>>3825927Were, anon. Past tense.
Rolled 39 (1d100)>>3825923That clown deserved it. He did the banana peel trick.
>>3825931"You launched at least 50 at each clown. But nevertheless. We're losing track here. Coming here saves me the trouble of tracking you and sending assassins, Edward. Show's over for you"
Rolled 85 (1d100)>>3825941Soooo....anything you wanted?
>>3825945"Your life. EhehehehehehahahahahahaHAHAHAAAAHAHAHAHA!" Then he disconnects
Rolled 85 (1d100)>>3825949Start blasting the head open
Rolled 11 (1d100)>>3825949Well that was a waste of time, hey Dai, how possible is it for you to stab him in the dick while were fighting?
Rolled 20 (1d200)>>3825953The ground starts rumbling, better target that thing quick.Roll 2d200
Rolled 131, 51 = 182 (2d200)>>3825961Shoot off its nose!
Rolled 5, 71 = 76 (2d200)>>3825961
Rolled 113, 94 = 207 (2d200)>>3825961
>>3825962You blast off the clown head's nose! Just as a mechanical contraption bursts forth from the ground underneath, raising the Clown Head up high! Chuckles reveals his ultimate Clown Battlecar!
Rolled 69 (1d100)>>3825985He can't shoot us if we shoot him first!
Rolled 45 (1d100)>>3825985Hmmmm shit...hey Dai, is it possible for you to infiltrate it and stab Chuckles in the dick?
Rolled 5 (1d200)>>3825989A giant tower of guns....You kinda miss Fester and his long-range specialized Marshal right now....Then again, he might try to melee it instead.Nevertheless, Roll 2d200+20 Bonus for you
Rolled 72, 83 = 155 (2d100)>>3826005
Rolled 12, 88 = 100 (2d200)>>3826005Why aren't we melee'ing it again?
Rolled 82, 89 = 171 (2d200)>>3826005All of Chuckle's guns somehow jam
>>3826008As one of the thing's cannons were charging up, you fire off a shot right down its barrel, exploding the weapon!Chuckles looks suspiciously at Dice God
Rolled 95 (1d100)>>3826024Let's tip the odds further in our favor.tip the car over
Rolled 139 (1d200)>>3826028You boosted towards the thing. Watch out for its defending fire!Roll 2d200+20 bonus for ya
Rolled 42, 27 = 69 (2d100)>>3826046Ah shit!
Rolled 125, 174 = 299 (2d200)>>3826046
>>3826050Dice God really is a fan of pirates, huh?
Rolled 149 (1d200)>>3826050Chuckles unleashes the entirety of his weaponry at you! But you expertly zip through the barrage and garbs onto the top of the contraption! Roll 2d200 to push that sumbitch over!+20 bonus!
Rolled 40, 24 = 64 (2d200)>>3826070
Rolled 199, 51 = 250 (2d200)>>3826070
Oh shit, where's that third anon?
Rolled 181, 16 = 197 (2d200)>>3826070
>>3826074The mechanical clown abomination blasts you away before you can tip it over!
Rolled 63 (1d100)>>3826090go on the defensive and wait for an opening
>>3826112Clearly losing the Dice God's favor has left all anons dead and gone. And so I will do the same. Continuing tomorrow yet again, wooBut you did get the Davy Jones into defense position though, so that's cool
Rolled 17 (1d100)>>3826123activate bandit counter measures
>>3829478I'm gonna need a think-king.png Chief
Rolled 32 (1d100)>>3829478OP punch self.
Rolled 47 (1d100)>>3829481
Rolled 62 (1d100)>>3829487Ponder if theres an afterlife
Rolled 14 (1d100)>>3829512is the king a time traveler?
Rolled 86 (1d100)>>3829512Let's get back to the main story.
Rolled 74 (1d100)>>3829512Ponder how to block the latest jab that Chuckles is throwing at us
Rolled 106 (1d200)>>3829516Chuckles' towering clown tank is gonna fire off another volley!Roll 2d200+20 bonus for ya
Rolled 186, 107 = 293 (2d200)>>3829523
>>3829525You cut up all the projectiles because that's how anime shit works yeeeeeeee
Rolled 78 (1d100)>>3829538If we're anime mode then teleport behind him
Rolled 196 (1d200)>>3829542Roll 2d200 to activate the Davy Jones' short range teleporter
Rolled 66, 2 = 68 (2d200)>>3829555nigga we ain't advanced enough to do thatURAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
Rolled 48, 75 = 123 (2d100)>>3829555Shame its just a prank Fester placed on our mech
Rolled 69, 1 = 70 (2d200)>>3829555what the fuck is this dice
Rolled 126, 31 = 157 (2d200)>>3829557I keep forgetting
>>3829560Ah wait, forgot it was broken. Gotta get it fixed one of these days
Rolled 83, 149 = 232 (2d200)>>3829555
Rolled 42 (1d100)>>3829562Well, might as well just shank him
Rolled 39 (1d100)>>3829562Can we do our signature move of ripping the cockpit out of his mech yet?
Rolled 18 (1d100)>>3829562Doesn't Edward's family line have a rage buff?
Rolled 67 (1d200)>>3829564A more direct aproachRoll 2d200+20 bonus for ya>>3829572Yea. But rage meter aint, uh, full yet. Or something. yea
Rolled 147, 151 = 298 (2d200)>>3829579SHANK HIMYARRRRRRRRRRR
Rolled 191, 66 = 257 (2d200)>>3829579We ain't peeved enough
>>3829584What a shame. You're not quite pissed off enough yet. BUt you did manage to stab one of the cannons and blowing that shit up
Rolled 60 (1d100)>>3829594Get into a channel with chuckles, his shitty jokes are sure to make us mad
>>3829595"OH HI CAPTAIN! Trying to keep an EYE on me? AHAHAHAHAHAHA."
Rolled 6 (1d100)>>3829612I don't get it, how else am I supposed to see you? Through my ass?
>>3829616"what, no. It's because you're blind in one eye. It's....it's a crack at your one-eyed-ness"
Rolled 47 (1d100)>>3829621That's the best joke you have?
Rolled 115 (1d200)>>3829623"No, the best one is..."Roll 2d200
Rolled 80, 101 = 181 (2d200)>>3829632Will it get us angry?
Rolled 84, 155 = 239 (2d200)>>3829632YARRRRRRRRRRRRRR
>>3829638Chuckles fired off a scathing insult, hitting you deep at your very core. It offended your very being. Causing you to start seeing red and the only thing on your mind right now is to rip out this clown's throat with your bare hands.But it was pretty funny tho
Rolled 14 (1d100)>>3829647ACTIVATE RAGE MODE AND RIP HIS FUCKING THROAT OUT
Rolled 59 (1d100)>>3829647Now...FUCK HIM UPGET THE SANDWICH MAKER READY 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT WERE GONNA DO WITH HIS CLOWNY ASS
Rolled 54 (1d100)>>3829647You know what always makes Edward laugh? A good Keelhauling.
>>3829654"EHHAHAHEHHAEHAHEAHEHAHE, WHAT'S THE MATTER EDDY BOY? YA MAD? HUH? YA MAAAAAADDDDD? HU-----what the hell is that?"
Rolled 55 (1d100)>>3829672I convinced Fester that its for making giant sandwiches, let me show you its true function!
Rolled 110 (1d200)>>3829673"Fester? Who the hell is Fester?...are those beam chains?"Roll 2d200+60 bonus
Rolled 31 (1d100)>>3829672The Aristocrats!
Rolled 135, 63 = 198 (2d200)>>3829677
Rolled 7, 85 = 92 (2d200)>>3829677The only guy who could make me laugh
Rolled 8 (1d200)>>3829679"OH SH--"Chuckles' yelling is cut short as the beam chain penetrates the giant clown head and attaches itself to his cockpit Roll 2d200 to pull that shit out+60 boonoos
Rolled 8, 5 = 13 (2d200)>>3829689
Rolled 27, 88 = 115 (2d200)>>3829689
>>3829691You rip Chuckle's command module out of his towering clown tank!
Rolled 34 (1d100)>>3829704IT'S OVER!WE CAN FINALLY GET FESTER BACK AFTER THIS
Rolled 59 (1d100)>>3829704Was the bounty dead or alive? Also AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
>>3829706either >>3822511but we'll probably need the head
Rolled 144 (1d200)>>3829706>>3829708Yes. The mimes need him dead or alive. We just need something as proof. For now tho...ROLL2D200 TO DRAG THIS CLOWN ACROSS YOUR SHIP'S BLADES AND KEELHAUL HIS FUCKING ASS+60 BONUS
Rolled 140, 109 = 249 (2d200)>>3829714
>>3829718The command module is locked in place! The blades whirr to life! They grind down the the outer shell of the cockpit, and as they gradually go through the metallic layers like butter, Chuckles let out a nervous...chuckle
Rolled 35 (1d100)>>3829735THIS IS THE FATE OF ALL CLOWNS DIE DIE DIE DIE
Rolled 29 (1d100)>>3829735AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Rolled 16 (1d100)>>3829735PREPARE TO DIEHAHAHAHA
Rolled 69 (1d100)>>3829735Knock KnockINTERUPPTING CHAINSAW
>>3829743As the grinding blades chews through the cockpit. You do remember that you need him somewhat recognizable in order to get the bounty...so you changed the power to only half of the usual. Mangling Chuckles, but not to the point of making him into mince meat. No. You'll just mangle his corpse. A little bit. of course, this method does have the side benefit of making the death slower than usual. Which allowed Chuckles time to scream. A long, anguished scream that you played over all comm channels in the area. In order to break the morale of Chuckles' remaining forces that Jester is holding back of course. No other particular reason.Now THIS does put a smile on your face.
Rolled 76 (1d100)>>3829749This exact smile stays glued to Edward's face for the rest of the day
Rolled 28 (1d100)>>3829749>>3829751MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Rolled 85 (1d100)>>3829749>>3829753
>>3829760And so the clown army was broken, you haul up Chuckle's mangled corpse and shove it in the cold storage. The Black Horse exits Clown World's atmosphere and heads off to the nearest Mime world to collect your bounty. For the rest of the day you were more happy than usual. Your...friendly...smiling face would surely surprise your crew!
Rolled 17 (1d100)>>3829771"Oh and new recruit, what was your name again?"We say, still smiling
Rolled 98 (1d100)>>3829771We're coming to getcha, Fester!
>>3829771>>3829776... after we get the bounty. Almost forgot that part.
>>3829778>>3829776A quick stop to drop off Chuckles and your wallet grows fatter
Rolled 14 (1d100)>>3829784NOW TO FESTER
Rolled 97 (1d100)>>3829784Now...Fester in hell is resurrected riiight before a devil reveals who our true parents are because we made him laugh
>>3829788"Ahahaha, you're funny, Fester. Now, as thanks for making me laugh, I will reveal who your true parents are. They are--"[SKWOOOOSSSSHHHH]"--huh. Guess I don't have to do that then"
Rolled 91 (1d100)>>3829791Fester comes back to life. His first words are:DAI'SI YOU GOT ANYMORE OF THEM EDIBLE BUDDHAS
Rolled 16 (1d100)>>3829791Fester look like he his old self except that his back look like a clown face.
Rolled 35 (1d100)>>3829800...what the devil?
Rolled 52 (1d100)>>3829800Deity's curses, where am I currently located my fellow brother made of steel?
>>3829800Wait, this isn't the Black Horse.
Rolled 20 (1d100)>>3829810
>>3829807"You're in my clinic. Fester Winchester. Do you remember your name? You were dead. But thanks to my genius. And also a boatload of cash from your friend. I was able to resurrect you by rebuilding your weak fleshy human body into one of superior metal and machine"
Rolled 18 (1d100)>>3829821Well how do I know you aren't that not!ork that killed me in a first place and made up all of this in order to recruit me into your cyborg army?
Rolled 12 (1d100)>>3829821BEEP BEEP BOOP BOOP
Rolled 93 (1d100)>>3829829That's what ah done expected, git me out awf hair
Rolled 41 (1d100)>>3829829Can I still eat those buddhas, though?
>>3829833"Calm down now. You are still getting used to your new body. As your doctor I recommend you lie still and rest until your friend come to pick you up. Then we can start the physical therapy"
Rolled 18 (1d100)>>3829840Examine our new body
Rolled 31 (1d100)>>3829840Really now?>Touch his face
Rolled 27 (1d100)>>3829840Start yodeling in the waiting timeNow, back to Edward and his crew...
>>3829844yep, that's a face
Rolled 96 (1d100)>>3829846>>3829851
Rolled 88 (1d100)>>3829851...this is boring, Imma gitty-up eend chew sumthin'
>>3829854Edward is having a call with his sister while the rebel once again attempt to take his life"Ed. Who is that SKANK over there?! Did you get another female crew member again?!"
Rolled 52 (1d100)>>3829867Don't worry, this one is utterly hostile, also did you hear the news, Fester's dead
Rolled 76 (1d100)>>3829867No, it's an assassination attempt. Don't worry about it. So how are you holding up? Drinking the medicine your doctor prescribed?
>>3829871"Tch, those things just slows me down and stops me from thinking about yo---I uh mean...Of course~! Big bro! Your sweet little sister always remember to take her meds"
Rolled 32 (1d100)>>3829886Did you know Fester was dead?
Rolled 53 (1d100)>>3829886Uh huh.
>>3829899"Anyway, heard Fester was, ehe, dead. How unfortunate. You, ahem, feeling okay over it, big bro?"
Rolled 1 (1d100)>>3829904No, we're about to revive him from the robodoctor, sis. We've been working these bounties to pay off the fees.
Rolled 70 (1d100)>>3829904Yeah, it all good, he should be back to the realm of the living riiiight about now and I will finally be free from the Voices
Rolled 41 (1d100)>>3829904I'm working on that. Things are under control.
>>3829911"...Oh. So he's alive...well congratulations then."
Rolled 6 (1d100)>>3829921Well he WAS dead, and knowing the guy he will get himself killed soon enough
Rolled 99 (1d100)>>3829921What's the matter? You don't like Fester Winchester? You should speak to him sometime, he is pretty easy to get along with once you go past the introductions
>>3829924"hhhmmmm.....nah. I'm good, thanks. Every conversation with Fester deletes my a few of my brain cells. So no thanks, big bro. Anyway....when are you gonna visit your little sister huh? My birthday is coming up you know~"Her birthday is definitely not coming up.
Rolled 7 (1d100)>>3829939I will come to your birthday, don't worry, when it actually comes that is
Rolled 80 (1d100)>>3829939I haven't forgotten your birthday, it's still quite some time away. I'll be there, of course. Now, is there anything else?
Rolled 79 (1d100)>>3829939of course I have the kind of surprise you like for your gifts (plant bomb)
>>3829945"No. Go and get your...bleh...Fester. Hope to see you soon, big bro, Oh and OP's dead again. Thread suspended"
OP will rise from the dead in about 12 hoursTo die agaihn
>>3831448>OP will rise from the dead in about 12 hoursHe'll never rise from the dead, for the spooky scary skeles have taken him from his grave.
>>3832323>>3833396This si true, OP is super dead
>>3833615It's a shame OP won't live, but then again, who does?
Rolled 78 (1d100)>>3833615WISE FWOM YOUR GWAVE
>>3833626Ah shit, dirt's packed too tight, can't dig out
Rolled 3 (1d100)>>3833644eat your way out, tubby
Rolled 79 (1d100)>>3833644Dig sideways and come out through Fester's grave that they dug just in case
Rolled 81 (1d100)>>3833672hey there buddy c'mmon out
Rolled 17 (1d100)>>3833691Get out of that grave, you'll catch a cold
Rolled 93 (1d100)>>3833691Watch out, people will think you're Fester if you stay in there
Rolled 68 (1d100)>>3833691throw a biscuits on the ground
Rolled 10 (1d100)>>3833709>>3833707
Rolled 24 (1d100)>>3833707On with the show!
Rolled 80 (1d100)>>3833707OP is grabbed in midair and made to make the plot happen
>>3833721After defeating the rebel in her latest assassination attempt. Edward motions to the crew and set the course towards the space clinic where Fester is
Rolled 27 (1d100)>>3833728Oh shit FILLER EPISODE
Rolled 14 (1d100)>>3833728Get call
Rolled 25 (1d100)>>3833728Edward forces the entire crew to sign a "Get Cyborg'd Soon" card for Fester
Rolled 63 (1d100)>>3833728>>3833738