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Your name is Emily Jones and you are an Ordinary Human Girl, age 7-12.

One day, quite by mistake, you stumbled across a magical portal and found yourself transported to the mystical elvish land of Elfland. Or maybe it was Elfworld. Elflake City? Let’s just go with Elfland.

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During your time in Elfland, you met a number of magical, color-coded elves and had a series of adventures, at least according to the back of the instruction manual. There were lots of crystals and dragons and enchanted treasures and choking hazards for children under three years. At one point you even got a Netflix miniseries.

However, this life of child-friendly fantasy has begun to bore you lately. You’ve been doing this for over two years now and you still haven’t found anywhere in Elfland with cell service. Plus, now that you’ve saved Elfland a couple times, everyone just expects it from you these days. They don’t even bother throwing a gala in your honor anymore. You definitely thought that your escapist fantasy adventure would be a little heavier on the wish-fulfillment, and lighter on the responsibilities.

And so you have decided to return home.

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However, there’s a slight wrinkle in your instruction manual—namely, your sister Sophie, who also somehow ended up in Elfland and was promptly kidnapped by goblins. That’s the guy responsible right there. He calls himself the Goblin King, but although you’re pretty sure he’s just an elf, you’re not a goblin either, so would that be insensitive to call him out on it? At any rate, Green David Bowie has taken Sophie to his fortress and locked her up in a cage. He’s probably up on his throne at this very moment, forcing her to listen to his muppet musical theater. You have to rescue her before Magic Dance is permanently etched into her brain.

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Additionally, the Goblin King’s fortress happens to contain the only portal back to Earth from Elfland. If you’re making it out of here, it’s going to be through that swirly, green vortex. However, the portal requires a pair of magical amulets to activate, one gold and the other silver. The gold amulet is currently hanging off the Goblin King’s pompous neck. As for the other…

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The silver amulet is one of three legendary elven artifacts said to have been stolen by the goblins centuries ago. Your sources indicate that the Amulet of Opening One Specific Portal currently rests in the Goblin Village just outside the fortress of the Goblin King. The Sword of Mild Fantasy Violence can also be found there, and is the only weapon powerful enough to pierce the Goblin King’s magical defenses. Finally, the the Tome of Exposition is kept somewhere within the Goblin King’s fortress, and contains the secret magic words to calibrate the portal to the correct destination. You’ll need all three treasures to save your sister and return to Earth.

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Your quest begins on the outskirts of the Goblin Village. You are armed with only a map and your wits. What will you do?

For this adventure, roll 1d6 when you give Emily directions. You can do so by typing “dice+1d6” in the options field, without the quotes.

Rolled 5 (1d6)

>>1938902
Sneak up to that no-doubt delicous meat on the windowsill of the purple building and use it to bribe a goblin into helping you find the amulet and sword!

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>>1938930
You sneak over to the red thing on the windowsill as nimbly as your kneeless legs will allow. Hopefully you can use it to bribe a goblin into committing treason. Goblins love meat, right?

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>>1938960
However, this doesn't seem to be meat. Some kind of fruit, maybe? Still, if a coconut can have meat, maybe this can too.

>>1938960
>>1938966
Er, I meant the turkey leg... thought that was a windowsill at first glance.

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>>1938976
Realizing your mistake, you hastily correct course for the succulent turkey leg in the distance. However, at a closer look, you realize that the desired drumstick lies within the confines of the Goblin King's fortress.

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>>1938996
A deep moat surrounds the fortress on all sides (which is to say, its only side). It's probably full of sharks or gators or sentient crawdads or something. Alas, for now the turkey leg may be out of reach.

What will you do?

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>>1939004
Wait, I'm an idiot, sorry.

With a sudden realization of the narrator's continuous folly, you walk all the way back to the purple shack and claim the turkey leg that was sitting right in front of your face the entire time.

You proceed to find the nearest goblin.

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>>1938996
>>1939004
>>1939015
Underage drinking is a national... I mean Elflandian concern!

Onward to bribery!

>>1939015
Go in front of the fortress and tell the gate keeper you'll give him that DELICIOUS TURKEY MEAT™ if he lets you in.

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>>1939024
You approach the goblin who stands sentinel at what appears to be a playground slide. You have no idea what his name is and can't be bothered to check what is says on the box. You will call him Blueberry Cheesecake.

E: "Hey, goblin. Yeah, you. I got the goods; all I need from you is some intel."

Blueberry Cheesecake appears to consider your offer intently.

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>>1939045
Finally, he hops onto his slide and swishes down. Looks like a muppet's loyalty comes cheap.

>>1939051
Jackpot!

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>>1939051
Munching on his turkey leg, Blueberry Cheesecake explains the situation surrounding the three elven artifacts to you. Only Tufflin (Grape Fanta), the fortress guard knows the exact location of all three items, but Blueberry Cheesecake does know where to find the amulet. It was locked away inside the prison cell beneath his sentry post, but apparently there's a riddle involved. Rhyming, of course.

BC: "By key or pick no entry will / this magic lock permit, until / the silent sentry of the hill / has died, or else eaten his fill."

You glance at Blueberry Cheesecake, who has finished wolfing down the turkey leg, and then kick the lock. No dice. Whoever the "silent sentry of the hill" is, it ain't him.

What will you do?

Rolled 5 (1d6)

>>1939082
Thank our new friend BC then see if we can offer that fruit that we found on the windowsill to the birdie perched on the Goblin King's castle. Maybe it's the sentry? Either way, let's try to get a sneaky look around this village.

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>>1939292
You sneak back over to the Goblin King's fortress, taking along the berries you filched from the windowsill. There you find the bird you saw perched there earlier. It's gotta be a talking bird; this is Elfland, after all. And if it talks, maybe it'll blab if you bribe it.

E: "Bird. You, bird. Want a berry? You tell me what you know and it's all yours."

The bird screeches back at you. You have a chance to take a close look at its eyes, and you notice that they're pure silver.

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>>1939365
It also has a chance to take a close look at your eyes, specifically as it swoops down at you and tries to peck them out. You bail.

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>>1939370
You hide in the shade of one of the goblin houses. The bird doesn't notice you as it flies on past. It must be loyal to the Goblin King. Maybe it's his familiar, or maybe he just feeds it really well.

Suddenly, someone addresses you.

???: "Halt, elf. What are you doing skulking around our village?"

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>>1939375
His name will be Strawberry Lemonade.

What will you do?

>>1939379
Tell him you have a present ofr the king.

>>1939385
What will you present? (also, roll for it)

Rolled 1 (1d6)

>>1939392
>>1939385

Fib and say that these are magical elf berries

>>1939416
Aw, cupcakes.

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>>1939416
>>1939385
E: "I'm here to deliver a present to Davi—I mean, the Goblin King. These are magic elfberries, see, from the elven realm. One taste of these and your king will feel like a new man. Er, elf. Wait, I meant goblin."

SL: "Oh yeah? If your berries are so great, elf, why don't you eat one and prove it?"

>>1939392
I was going to bluff, but I failed to input the roll correctly, so, oh well.

Rolled 93 (1d100)

>>1939449
>it would be outrageous to eat the King's present !

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>>1939452
That works too.

E: "How preposterous, asking me to eat the King's present! An outrage! He will hear of this."

SL: "Wait, wait, my bad, ma'am. Just gotta be cautious, you know. I'll take you to the boss, but just keep this hush-hush, alright?"

E: "Much better. To the castle, my good goblin."

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>>1939483
Strawberry Lemonade leads you to the castle gates and hollers at the goblin on duty. It must be Grape Fanta.

SL: "Tufflin! We got an elf lady to see the boss!"

Rolled 5 (1d6)

>>1939491
Correct him on the name of the other goblin and then ask if Grape Fanta is this "sentry of the hill" we've heard so much about.

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>>1939495
E: "Excuse me, but I'm pretty sure his name is Grape Fanta. And Grape Fanta, may I ask if you're the 'sentry of the hill' I've heard so much about?"

Grape Fanta scowls down at the both of you from up behind the parapets.

GF: "Grape Fanta's my middle name. And I don't see any hill on this castle here, so I don't reckon that's me. Only hill nearby's the prison block. So, what's your business?"

E: "I have a present for the Goblin King: magical elfberries. I'd like to deliver them, if you'd let me."

Grape Fanta furrows his brow.

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>>1939505
GF: "Fine, but don't make any trouble. The boss is a busy man."

With that, he lowers the drawbridge. Wow, getting into the Goblin King's fortress was easy! You'll be home in no time. You can't help but feel you're forgetting something, though.

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>>1939510
Strawberry Lemonade leads you across the slippery, black planks. Meanwhile, you run through a checklist of the things you needed to get. Map? Check. Elfberries? Check. Er, hair? Check?

Nope, no idea what you could be missing.

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>>1939513
You enter into the foyer of the Goblin King's fortress. It's a bit spooky and you're pretty sure that blueberry is laughing at you. In the distance, you hear the muffled strains of David Bowie's dulcet voice.

GF: "Alright, hold tight here while I get the boss. And don't touch anything."

Rolled 2 (1d6)

>>1939517
Accidentally wander off and see if we can find the Tome of Exposition!

Sorry, I'm getting posting errors when I try to upload an image. Let me see if I can fix it quickly.

>>1939540
And with that, Grape Fanta departs. The drawbridge slams shut behind you as well. It looks like you're alone now.

Time to wander off and touch everything!

For no apparent reason, that one image seemed cursed to never upload properly until I downscaled it from 100x750 to 999x749. Not sure what the problem was, but it seems fixed...

>>1939543
Just the 4chan malware check algortithm shitting itself.
I usually go around when it happens by changing the color of a pixel somewhere in the image.

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>>1939543
You proceed to the next room, inasmuch as a facade of a building can have a next room. It looks like the Goblin King's living quarters. There are a pair of lovely windows from which to view the carnivorous plants chomping merrily away, and a portrait of some random elves whom you're absolutely certain will have no relevance to the plot whatsoever. At the far end of the area, you spy an elaborate bed, and a little cot next to it. For a dog? Does he even have a dog?

Maybe it's Grape Fanta's.

What will you do?

>>1939556
Continue looking for the Tome of Exposition.

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>>1939615
You take sort of a step back and look up through the invisible ceiling. There it is, on the next floor up! The Tome of Exposition! However, your excitement is tempered by the lack of any visible staircase in this structure. Kind of hard to get to the second floor without one. You'll have to figure out an alternate route up.

What will you do?

Rolled 1 (1d6)

>>1939683
Bounce on the bed until you get high enough to reach the next floor!

>>1939743
I'll pick up with this first thing tomorrow. For now, I've got to bounce to bed myself.

Thanks for playing!

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>>1939743
You clamber up onto the Goblin King's bed to try and bounce your way to the second floor. You hope he sprung for a box spring mattress and not a futon. Fortunately, the bed seems to be adequately springy for your purposes. Unfortunately, the ceiling in here is really low and you end up smacking your head into it.

>>1940223
>tfw you click to the Funtron tab right as OP is updating

Very cool shot

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>>1940223
As you lie dazed, you hear Grape Fanta shouting somewhere nearby.

GF: "What was that sound? I'm coming down to check."

Sounds like you'd better get up. You have to admit, though, the bed is pretty comfy.

What will you do?

Rolled 6 (1d6)

>>1940231
Grab that drumstick and use it to distract Grape Fanta while you accidentally wander deeper into the castle!

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>>1940240
You get up and grab the drumstick off the ledge just before Grape Fanta arrives. His face makes him look pretty mad, but maybe he was just printed that way.

GF: "You've gone and done it now, elf! I told you to stay put and not touch anything. Now you're coming with me."

E: "Wait! Would you rather take me prisoner, or...this delicious turkey leg?"

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>>1940277
The turkey leg, apparently. You take this opportunity to accidentally meander deeper into the castle.

>>1940279
>trans-clear 1x1 studs w/hole are a thing now
Dang, need to get me some of those

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>>1940279
You're not sure how much deeper you can physically meander, though. From here, you can see the whole of the castle and it's smaller than you might have thought. How exactly did Grape Fanta get to and from the second floor anyway?

>>1940285
I also wish I had trans-clear 1x1 with holes. Unfortunately, this is just an Antenna 1 x 4 with a Dish 3 x 3 Inverted, from a Batman movie polybag.

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>>1940296
You wander ever farther into the outermost reaches of what you suppose is still the Goblin King's fortress. Eventually, however, you have to stop. You have come to one of the four ends of the world.

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>>1940306
You gaze long into the abyss, and the abyss looks away sheepishly.

What will you do?

Rolled 4 (1d6)

>>1940306
>>1940296
Petition the ancient gods of Elfland to carry you to the second floor

It should be easy since you're near the end of the table

please don't knock Emily off the table please don't knock Emily off the table please don't knock Emily off the table

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>>1940312
Standing at the edge of the table, you call out into the void to the primeval forces that dwell beyond Godt's light.

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>>1940344
E: "Servants of Leg Slemt, I summon thee!"

In the unfathomably great distance, you hear a vast rustling as though a million hands were combing through a million bins of bricks.

You sense an otherworldly presence.

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>>1940351
Before you appears the Archon of Lifestyle Products, whose name and set ID were expunged eons ago from the Akabric Records. With a terrible voice like a mental pencil sharpener, the Archon addresses you.

A: "Child of Friends, what folly led thou to me?"

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>>1940375
E: "I need to get to the second floor of the Goblin King's fortress, and there's no staircase."

A: "That is thy request? A meager eighteen plates' elevation? I have raised many a fig much higher than that, and razed many a castle much lower."

As if to prove his point, the Archon leans down and seizes you in his abhorrent, oversized clawhands.

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>>1940388
A: "Child of Friends, you waste my time."

What will you do?

Rolled 3 (1d6)

>>1940393
>jesus fuck it's megatimmy

Re-explain all the stuff the narrator told us at the beginning about the three mystical items we need to get back to our world!

Also mention that the Goblin King said the Archon's hat was lame.

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>>1940410
You quickly recap the prologue for the Archon of Lifestyle Products, who seems intrigued by your act of rebellion against Leg Godt's Divine System.

A: "You are closer to the embrace of Leg Slemt than you may think, Child of Friends. I shall spare thy life, but for this matter, I will not intrude upon the Table."

E: "Also, the Goblin King said your hat is lame."

A: "He said what about my hat?"

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>>1940470
The Archon marches across the table in a huff, with you still in his clutches.

A: "Come to think of it, Child of Friends, there is a bargain we may yet strike. I shall deposit thee where you ask, but in exchange, you will deliver unto me a small token of thy gratitude before departing this realm."

E: "And, er...what exactly would that be?"

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>>1940478
A: "When you have finished with him, you will cast this 'Goblin King' into the Void of Leg Slemt. Then thy debt shall be repaid. But if you balk and fail to deliver him unto me, I shall drag thee into the depths instead."

The Archon sets you down on terra firma, then draws back out of the lamplight.

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>>1940486
Even as he vanishes from your sight, however, you can feel his terrible eyes still upon you. It seems your quest has gotten a little more complicated.

What will you do?

I have to pause for a bit, but I'll continue the adventure later today. Thanks again for playing!

>>1940491
>Leg Godt and Leg Slemt

I can't hold all this lore, OP! Thanks for running this!

Rolled 3 (1d6)

>>1940491
Walk into the next room, steal the Tome, and read it thoroughly for any clues on the location of the amulet and the sword.

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>>1940600
Now that you're on the second floor, you get back to the matter at hand: stealing the Tome of Exposition. You walk into the next room and simply pick it up off the table. Time to see what this fabled tome has to offer.

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>>1940799
You open the Tome to page i. What will you read?

>>1940813
>help desk
What could that mean? Check out page 10

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>>1940827
What will you do?

>>1940882
Page 3! Maybe it'll have the answers to the riddles.

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>>1940903
What will you do?

>>1941067
Well that isn't helpful at all. Check the map on page 9, maybe it'll tell us where this hill is.

>>1941088
I'd suggest looking for the sword first.
That way we could use Gentle Persuasion on the goblins and Mild Fantasy Violence on that bird.
Because I suspect that bird will be a pain in the ass later.

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>>1941088
What will you do?

>>1941357
Okay, that was helpful. The sentry and the sword are both going to be at the Forge/Workshop, it sounds like.

Attempt to neak out the castle and make your way there. Keep an eye out for food to appease him with on the way.

>>1941458
What route will you take out of the castle? Also, roll for it.

Rolled 1 (1d6)

>>1941458
fack I must have typed my roll wrong.

Jump down to the bedroom, using the bed to cushion your fall, then just go out the front door.

>>1941811
>Rolled 1 (1d6)
Oh no

Rolled 5 (1d6)

>>1941644
Also check out the secret magic words to calibrate the portal to Earth!

>>1941811
>then just go out the front door.

With the drawbridge up that might be a chore

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>>1942115
And with that great mystery solved, you decide it's time to bounce.

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>>1941811
Whee!

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>>1942324
THONK

You may have misjudged the distances a little.

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>>1942327
Good thing no one was around to see that. Nursing your bruised dignity (and other, less metaphorical bruises), you limp back over to the foyer to make your grand escape.

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>>1942344
GF: "Halt, elf scum! Didn't I tell you to wait and not touch anything?"

What will you do?

Rolled 2 (1d6)

>>1942348
>"I already had my meeting with the Goblin King and gave him the magic berries. Now please lower the drawbridge!"

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>>1942380
E: "As it happens, I already had my meeting with the Goblin King and gave him the magic berries, in return for which he bestowed me with this book. Now lower the drawbridge, or I'll be having words with your master about this."

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>>1942401
Grape Fanta gazes down the hallway behind you at the elfberries lying exactly where you dropped them earlier.

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>>1942407
GF: "No more lies, elf! I can see you never gave the boss those berries. And what's more, you stole that book, didn't you?"

He takes a step forward and points his spear at you. What will you do?

Rolled 5 (1d6)

>>1942419
Bop him on the head with the Tome of Medium Fantasy Violence Suitable for Children 7+ and turn that crankwheel in the hallway!

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>>1942455

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>>1942536
bop

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>>1942541
Grape Fanta seems temporarily stunned by your surprise attack. Taking advantage of his incapacitation, you flee back down the hallway to that gear you saw earlier.

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>>1942544
This must be the wheel that raises or lowers the drawbridge. Spinny gear = drawbridge; that's classic Play Feature iconography.

And so you turn the wheel and activate a play feature which cannot be conveyed in words—only images.

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>>1942616

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>>1942620
Interesting? Yes. Potentially useful? Maybe. The drawbridge? No, unfortunately.

What will you do?

Rolled 6 (1d6)

>>1942644
Do your best impression of Grape Fanta and call to have the drawbridge lowered?

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>>1942675
Time to get crafty. You put on your best imitation of a goblin voice and give a shout.

E: "Hey, er, fellow goblins. It's, um, Tu...Tuf...Teflon. Teflon Grape Fanta here. I need someone to lower the drawbridge."

Nailed it.

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>>1942732
A response comes from up in the tower. It can only be the Goblin King.

GK: "Tufflin! What's this racket?"

E: "Oh, it's—it's nothing, sir. Just hoping someone could lower the drawbridge for me."

GK: "Tufflin, you pathetic simpleton. You know full well you and I are the only people in the fortress. Well, aside from this poor, lost babe."

The villain prods your sister's cage with his staff. Mercifully, she seems to be sleeping through this whole ordeal, though you haven't got a clue how she does it standing up.

E: "So, sir...the drawbridge...could you maybe..."

GK: "Fine! Fine, I'll do it, but you're sleeping on the rugs tonight, you hear me, Tufflin?"

E: "Yes, sir."

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>>1942751
The Goblin King just sort of...appears on the second floor, as though he had descended an invisible staircase.

GK: "Lousy goblin manservants. So unreliable."

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>>1942759
He storms over to the other side of the portal.

GK: "I knew I should have gone with the army of lava demons..."

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>>1942767
GK: "Alright, Tufflin. I'm lowering the drawbridge. Do whatever it was you needed to do and then get back to making my dinner. I'm getting hungry and you know what it's like when I don't get my oversized turkey leg."

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>>1942773
As he says it, the drawbridge lowers. Now's your chance to escape!

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>>1942781
You race across the drawbridge while the Goblin King's back is turned, then holler to him that you've made it. He busies himself with raising the drawbridge again, none the wiser to your deception.

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>>1942787
You are now back in the Goblin Village with one of the three artifacts in your possession.

What will you do?

Rolled 6 (1d6)

>>1942796

Sneakily head for the forge! We can hide out there and maybe find the Sword of Mild Fantasy Violence?

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>>1942818
You sneak your way past Strawberry Lemonade and narrowly avoid getting your head chomped off by the lurking plants.

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>>1942838
This building must be the forge listed on your map. The door looks a little short for you, but if Gandalf could handle it, you're sure you'll be fine.

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>>1942842
The door, however, is locked.

What will you do?

Rolled 5 (1d6)

>>1942848
Climb in through the top window.

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>>1943166
The goblin house is not particularly tall, so you have no trouble reaching the ledge beneath the second-story window. Hopefully no one minds if you do a bit of light breaking and entering. You're pretty sure this is Blueberry Cheesecake's house anyway. You gave him a turkey leg, you burglarized his house. Reckon he'd call it even?

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>>1943218
You slip in through the window and find yourself on top of Blueberry Cheesecake's cot. It's a nice house he's got here. Very cozy. Maybe too cozy.

What will you do?

Rolled 3 (1d6)

>>1943225
Jump down and go for the sword.

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>>1943262
You make your way downstairs the only way you know how.

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>>1943273
Fortunately, your intuition was correct. Sitting in the fireplace is the Sword of Mild Fantasy Violence! Now you've at least located all three artifacts, and you're within arm's reach of collecting your second.

As you go for the sword, you think back to the Frustratingly Vague Riddle to its location. How did it go again?

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>>1943277
Look to find the magic blade
in such a place as it was made,
but touch it not—your hand be stayed
until its keeper's wrath should fade.

Huh. You certainly don't see any keepers around who could stop you from taking the sword, unless that's also just another frustratingly vague metapOW HOLY SHIT THAT'S HOT

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>>1943284
How long has that sword been sitting in the fire? You certainly won't be touching it again until that problem is fixed.

You suppose the keeper must have been the fireplace, and the fire was its wrath, or something. The fire was the keeper and the heat was its wrath? Frustratingly vague as usual, these stupid goblin riddles.

What will you do?

————————

I'll leave off here for tonight. Post your commands and I'll start with them tomorrow. Thanks for playing!

Rolled 3 (1d6)

>>1943295
Pour the liquid in the green bottle onto the fire, hoping it will extinguish the flames.

Eagerly awaiting this potion to blow up in our face and cause some nasty side-effect

Eagerly awaiting this to continue. I love this.

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>>1943556
You take the nearby green bottle and inspect it. It's warm from sitting by the fire, and the label on the bottle says "30". Thirty what? Ounces? Centiliters? Is Elfland metric or imperial? You take a whiff of its contents. Smells like your uncle, so you assume it must be hard liquor. Let's see...what do you, Emily Jones, age 7-12, know about liquor?

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>>1944354
...Absolutely nothing! But you do know that underage drinking is an Elflandian concern (>>1939024), so best to kill two birds with one stone and dispose of this bedeviling beverage by using it to extinguish the fire. That's definitely how alcohol works, right?

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>>1944362
oh my godt that's not how it works at all

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>>1944364
The fire leaps from the hearth to the grass carpet and begins licking at the copious amount of wood lying around the workshop. You had hoped to just leave it at breaking and entering, but it looks like arson's on the table too.

What will you do?

Rolled 2 (1d6)

>>1944372
Well, we'll come back to that after it cools down a bit

Maybe the fire will be a nice distraction for the goblins while we try to figure out how to get the amulet?

>>1944418
To confirm, you're leaving the workshop?

Rolled 1 (1d6)

>>1944431
Sneak over to the village catapult and use it to launch yourself to the top of the hill!

>>1944431

Running away from the fire we started without telling anyone about it sounds like the most heroic thing to do right now

>>1944451
>>1941815
>Oh no

>>1944459
I'm hoping it somehow draws out the goblins, so they can be distracted, leaving GK alone for us to confront.

>>1944485
>I'm hoping it somehow draws out the goblins, so they can be distracted, leaving GK alone for us to confront.

But we need the Sword of Mild Fantasy Violence to defeat him and we kind of promised that Archon that we would send his soul to Leg Slemt...

>>1944495
Fuck. Thought we grabbed the damn sword.

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>>1944418
>>1944451
>>1944459
Time for a little more sneaking. You quietly leave the workshop as the flames slowly climb. Maybe you'll check out that catapult. That'd be a stylish way to get to Sentry Hill. And maybe when the house has totally burned down, you can retrieve the Sword of Mild Fantasy Violence from the ashes.

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>>1944502
Just gotta make it past Strawberry Lemonade here. Fortunately, he seems quite inattentive.

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>>1944506
Unfortunately, the carnivorous plants seem quite alert.

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>>1944508
Roused by your shrieking, Strawberry Lemonade turns around and strikes the offending plant with his spear.

SL: "Down, boy. Heel!"

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>>1944533
The plant spits you out unceremoniously and recoils like a shamed dog.

SL: "Sorry about that, Miss Elf. You alright?"

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>>1944540
E: "Yes, I'm fine, thank you."

Aside from your dignity, that is, but at this point that's nothing new.

SL: "How'd your visit with the Goblin King go, ma'am? I didn't notice you'd come back."

You can hear a faint crackling from the direction of the workshop. What will you do?

————————

Pausing a short while for lunch. As always, leave your orders now and I'll carry them out when I return.

Rolled 1 (1d6)

>>1944549
"It went great! He said I just HAD to try the village catapult. Would you mind launching me in it?"

Rolled 5 (1d6)

>>1944549
E: It went fine, but he wanted me to check out Sentry Hill for...some reason. Could you escort me there please?

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>>1944554
>>1944561
E: "It was a fine meeting, and he was very pleased with the elfberries. Now, he did mention this catapult here. Highly recommended it, in fact. As it happens, I need to get to Sentry Hill. Would you mind launching me there?"

SL: "Er, I'm not sure that's a great idea. No offense, ma'am, but you're a little...large. If you break it by accident it'll be on my head, and the boss really hates it when you mess with his stuff..."

E: "Could you at least escort me there?"

SL: "That I can do, ma'am. Follow me."

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>>1944915
Strawberry Lemonade proceeds to lead you the less than 32 studs over to Sentry Hill, where Blueberry Cheesecake stands watch.

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>>1944925
BC: "How goes it? I see you brought the elf lady, Jimblin."

E: "...that's Strawberry Lemonade."

SL: "Yeah, saved her from a chomper just now. Says she wants to see Sentry Hill."

BC: "Again? Had any luck with the riddle? Looks like you got the Tome already."

E: "No luck yet, but I bet there's a clue somewhere around here. I just need to sniff it out."

SL: "Speaking of sniffing, does anyone else smell smoke?"

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>>1945019
Everyone turns to stare at the workshop, out of which is pouring a prodigious amount of smoke, and fire too, of course.

BC: "That's my house! My beetle is in there!"

Whoops. What will you do?

Rolled 6 (1d6)

>>1945032
E: You two fight the fire, I'll stay here on guard!

While they run off, have a look around inside.

>>1945032
inb4 the beetle is the sentry and once it dies the gate unlocks.
>>1945055
Yeah basically this.

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>>1945055
E: "Oh no! It must have been a stray spark from the fire! Yeah, definitely that! You two should go and put it out. I'll stay here at Sentry Hill and, uh, sentry."

SL: "Got it, ma'am. Let's go!"

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>>1945142
Now there's nobody to stop you from snooping around. Well, no one but those chomper plants.

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>>1945148
You give Sentry Hill a thorough investigation. There's a goblin-sized cot beneath the slide, color-coded to that goblin you've seen pushing a cart around the village. And you thought Grape Fanta having a cot on the ground next to the Goblin King's bed was sad.

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>>1945167
You scrabble up the slide to take a look up top. The chompers seem pretty agitated without Blueberry Cheesecake around, but you manage to avoid their jaws.

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>>1945173
From here you have a great view of the whole Goblin Village. There's a boat oar up here as well for some reason, and a crystal mug. Across town you can see Blueberry Cheesecake and Strawberry Lemonade struggling to put out the workshop fire.

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>>1945177
Looks pretty bad. You're awfully glad you're over here where it's safe and not on fire. You hope Blueberry Cheesecake had insurance on that place. Does Elfland even have insurance? They don't have fire departments, that's for sure.

What will you do?

>>1945190
Solve the riddle.

Rolled 3 (1d6)

>>1945190
>>1945341
fucked up the roll.

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>>1945341
>>1945348
You've had just about enough goblin riddles for one lifetime. If you can't solve this the proper way, you'll just have to brute force it. You open up the Tome of Exposition to page 10, dip your finger in whatever weird purple substance is in Blueberry Cheesecake's mug, and begin writing.

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>>1945556
What will you do?

Rolled 4 (1d6)

>>1945566
Use the oar to cleave through the stalk of the biteyplant.

If I get a 1 it'll be the fourth time today

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>>1945588
Aha! The "silent sentry of the hill" is one of the chomper plants! Guess that means it's time for some indiscriminate plant butchery until you figure out exactly which one. Riddles aren't really your thing, but physical conflict you can get behind. You grab the boat oar and get to work.

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>>1945636
Not that one, evidently. Next!

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>>1945641
Could it be this one, with the mysterious elf magic insignia under it, and which is suspiciously attached to a Technic axle instead of a normal stalk like the rest of them?

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>>1945650
Only one way to find out.

>>1945663
Dammit! I knew the play features would be uuseful to know....

Swing baby swing!

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>>1945663
plonk

Success! You solved the riddle of the Amulet of Opening One Specific Portal!

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>>1945670
You rummage through the prison cell and fish out the Amulet.

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>>1945678
With this, you now possess two of the three mystical elven artifacts. Only the sword remains, and then you can go steal the other amulet, throw the Goblin King down to Leg Slemt, rescue your sister, and blow this joint.

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>>1945691
What will you do?

Rolled 5 (1d6)

>>1945696
Go and hide in the crystal shop until the fire is out and you can grab the cooled-off sword.

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>>1945711
You creep away from the scene of your plant massacre. Fortunately, everyone seems far too distracted by your arson to notice you. You decide you'll lay low in the crystal shop till the fire subsides a bit. The elf who presumably lives under the slide passes you by on his way to help extinguish the flames. You'll call him Cherry Cobbler.

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>>1945754
Things look pretty bleak over at the workshop. The whole thing will probably start collapsing soon. Cherry Cobbler gives Blueberry Cheesecake a comforting hand on the shoulder as he blubbers into the dirt.

BC: "M—my beetle! My beloved beetle! She's all alone in there! Please, Godt, send somebody to save her!"

Meanwhile, Strawberry Lemonade tries using a watering pail to put out the blaze, but it doesn't seem to be working. Maybe he should try liquor.

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>>1945771
You turn your attention back to the crystal shop. The door is locked, of course, and you can hear someone snoring loudly within.

What will you do?

>>1945782
Check the Tome of Exposition for the play features on this building. What kind of fun stuff can we mess with?

Rolled 5 (1d6)

>>1945771
I feel like we should try and save that beetle

Killing the Goblin King seems like a necessity at this point but I don't want any more deaths on our hands!

Rolled 3 (1d6)

>>1945782
Save the beetle! He might offer us the sword as a reward!

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>>1945813
Good grief, that's a lot to read. You spend a minute picking through the thicket of marketing, but eventually decide to go back and deal with Blueberry Cheesecake's house instead. A strange, new emotion you've never felt before is welling up within you when you think of the poor goblin and his beetle. Could this be the feeling of remorse? Guilt? Indigestion?

>>1945827
>>1945895
Pausing briefly here; I will start with these when I return!

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>>1946218

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>>1945827
>>1945895
Things are really heating up when you arrive on the scene.

CC: "Miss Elf! You need to stay back! This whole place is going to collapse!"

E: "Don't worry, I've got this. I'll rescue your beetle, I promise."

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>>1946521
You grab the watering can and rush in through the front door. The goblins call after you, but the roar of the flames drowns them out.

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>>1946529
It's a lot hotter in here than you remember. Maybe you should have brought What's-Her-Face the water elf with you for this trip, or her water dragon, or at least jacked one of her magic talismans. You'll have to make do with the pail.

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>>1946535
The Sword of Mild Fantasy Violence is still in the fire, but you're not even going to try pulling it out this time. Instead, you grab the workbench and haul it out from the back. Its Evil Instructions® glower at you evilly as you do.

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>>1946542
You take the axe from the workbench and then use it as a stepping stool to ascend to the second floor. You see Blueberry Cheesecake's beetle there in the corner, stuck in its little glass jar. Just a little farther...

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>>1946550
Got her! And not a moment too soon; you can hear the support bricks giving way. Time to make your exit.

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>>1946555

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>>1946558
You land with a thud on the ground outside, not for the first time today, nor likely the last.

E: "Hey, Blueberry. I got your beetle."

You hand him the jar and he hugs it to his chest, as well as someone can without elbows or wrists.

BC: "Beetle! I thought I'd lost you! Miss Elf, I owe you everything."

SL: "You're the hero of Goblin Village!"

CC: "We should throw a gala in your honor!"

E: "No need to thank me; it's just what I do, you know, as a heroine and all that...although a gala would be nice."

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>>1946577
Thoughts of galas are set aside, though, as the workshop begins to collapse. Everyone watches for a while in horror, but there's nothing more to be done.

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>>1946588
CC: "How could such a thing happen?"

SL: "Could it have been arson?"

BC: "I did always leave my fire going..."

CC: "Miss Elf! You were on Sentry Hill as this was happening! Did you see anything suspicious?"

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Rolled 2 (1d6)

>>1946558
>>1946577

>>1946598
Come clean and explain that we accidentally started the fire by trying to put out the forge because we need the sword to save our little sister from the Goblin King and that we're actually a human child, not an elf

Hopefully the goblins recognize we're heading into a redemption arc and see that we've had a lot of character growth this adventure

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>>1946615
E: "Soooo...I may have started the fire. On accident. After I broke into your house. That part wasn't on accident. The breaking in, I mean. And I may have killed all the chomper plants on Sentry Hill. Okay, I definitely killed them. But I had a good reason for killing them! A pretty good reason. Okay, I guess I could have just fed them instead. But look, I saved your beetle!"

You give the goblins your most wholesome smile, which is also coincidentally your only facial expression.

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>>1946666
That could have gone better.

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>>1946738
They cart you over to the crystal workshop. Cherry Cobbler goes up to the door, knocks, and then begins shouting.

CC: "Elder Bieblin! We need your guidance."

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>>1946763
After a few minutes, a goblin you suppose could be elderly opens the door. Orange Creamsicle. He carries a guitar and glances between you and the other goblins.

OC: "And what have we here?"

CC: "She's an elven saboteur! She killed all our chomper plants, burned down the workshop, and probably stole the Tome of Exposition from the Goblin King too."

E: "Er, I realize it's a little late to correct you on this, but I'm a human, actually..."

OC: "Ah, quite a dangerous one indeed."

BC: "However...she also risked her life to save my beetle from the workshop she burned down, and confessed everything when we asked."

SL: "We seek your judgment, elder. What should we do with her?"

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>>1946785
OC: "Well, young human, what do you have to say for yourself? I can't imagine one such as yourself came all the way to our little village merely to cause trouble. Let us hear your story."

And so you recap for Orange Creamsicle the events of the last 196 posts (although you omit the bit where you made a deal with Leg Slemt), explaining how you came to Elfland, how your sister was abducted by the Goblin King, and your quest for the three artifacts. When you have finished, he falls silent for a while, plucking absently at his guitar.

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>>1946813
Finally he undoes your bonds.

OC: "You have done our village a great wrong, human child. That workshop was half of our livelihoods. However, you may yet make amends. If your quest leads you to the Goblin King's fortress, then there is a task I would ask of you that only you can fulfill. I will permit your release if you will aid us in this matter, but it will not be easy. I must know now, are you willing to risk everything to atone for your misdeeds?"

What will you say?

>>1946875
Teamwork!

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>>1947007
E: "I'll do whatever it takes."

OC: "Very well. Then I shall tell you our tale: The Ballad of the Goblin King."

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>>1947093
OC:
Once there lived a kindly king,
whose tale to you I now will sing
informing you of everything
you need to save our kingdom.

Some very many years ago,
began our sorry tale of woe
when our monarch last did show
his warmth unto our kingd—

E: "Hey, can you maybe do this without the rhyming? I've kind of had enough of that today."

OC:
Once upon a time, the goblins of Goblin Village lived peacefully under the guidance of the Goblin King, our benevolent elven (E: "Aha! So he is an elf!") monarch. Amity and concord prevailed in the land, and it was good.

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>>1947154
However, it was not to last. In the end, a great tragedy befell our realm. The Goblin King's mother, our former Queen, grew old, as we all must. Finally her time came and she passed on from this world. But that itself is not the tragedy.

The Goblin King had never known loss before. It devastated him and he fell sick in heart and mind. We goblins tried our best to console him in those dark times, but to our great shame, we could offer him no comfort. Our voices did not reach him.

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>>1947176
However, there was one whose voice did reach the Goblin King: a dark spirit who took the guise of a bird with silver eyes. He came into our kingdom and poisoned our once gentle king's mind with his lies and vile words. He took advantage of the Goblin King in his time of need, and little by little, the light of good began to gutter in the Goblin King's heart.

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>>1947195
The man you see now upon that throne is but a shadow of the man we once held dear. Only Tufflin (E: "Grape Fanta."), who guards the fortress, still follows the Goblin King into his madness. And it is a deep madness. Perhaps it is why he kidnapped your sister. There may be something about her that speaks to him and reminds him of the one he lost. Or perhaps he has simply lost it. But no matter his reasons, it is a dark time in the realm of the goblins. It is a darkness I feel you are destined to cast out.

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>>1947222
OC: "This is my request to you: rid our kingdom of that foul bird and save our beloved king. I just know that once he's free of the evil spirit's influence, our king will regain his sanity and all will be well again."

Kill the bird, save the king. Sounds simple enough. Except—

You have the terrible sensation that someone is watching you.

What will you say?

Rolled 4 (1d6)

>>1947257
Lie, say you'll help them.

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>>1947463
E: "I swear I'll save your king."

That's what you tell them, anyway. However, your fear of a village of angry muppets is just a teensy bit less than your fear of the wrath of the Archon of Lifestyle Products. But no one else needs to know about that for now.

Orange Creamsicle gives you a curious look, but continues speaking amicably.

OC: "I'm pleased to hear it. Now, if there's anything we can do to help you prepare for your infiltration of the Goblin Fortress, you need only to ask."

What will you do?

Rolled 2 (1d6)

>>1947489
Tell them the truth. You need that sword to uh... save the king... yeah.

Rolled 3 (1d6)

>>1947489
Ask for the sword of Mild Fantasy Violence. After all, we do need something to slay the bird with.


(Pretty sure that the Archon is going to fuck us over, as he has seen us promise to save the elf king)

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>>1947535
>>1947539
E: "Well, for starters, I'll be needing the Sword of Mild Fantasy Violence. For reasons."

CC: "To kill the bird!"

E: "Yeah! Reasons including that!"

Orange Creamsicle nods and plucks a somber melody on his guitar.

OC: "That is a hero's blade. Are you prepared to accept the responsibilities that entails?"

E: "Yes. Totally. Completely ready."

OC: "Well then, let us go and see what has become of our workshop."

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>>1947612
The workshop rests in silence. The flames have subsided, leaving only ruin in their wake. Amidst the ashes rises the Sword of Mild Fantasy Violence, gleaming in the sunlight. Surely it has cooled off by now.

Orange Creamsicle taps you on the back.

OC: "Go, human child. Take the sword."

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>>1947628
You climb up across the wreckage of the workshop, over to the sword's resting place, and take it by the grip. It is cool to the touch and surprisingly light as you lift it overhead. You realize a pose this dramatic requires an equally dramatic proclamation. "Friends, Danes, countryfigs..."? Nah. "They may take our lives, but they will never take our FreeStyle"? Mm, still no.

E: "Citizens of the Goblin Village! Rejoice! Today, I, Emily Jones, will liberate you from the darkness that lingers over your realm!"

The goblins cheer and call your name and weep for joy. You can practically feel the weight of their hope on your shoulders.

You feel a little dirty.

What will you do?

Rolled 3 (1d6)

>>1947154
>>1947176
>>1947195
>>1947222
I love the flashbacks you do, Funtrelves-anon!

>>1947643
Get the goblins to launch you over the moat with the village catapult, so you can kill the king! I mean save the bird! I mean kill the bird and save the king, yeah, that!

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>>1947667
With all three artifacts in your possession, all that remains is to enter the Goblin King's fortress once more, take his amulet, figure out something between him, the bird, and the Archon, rescue your sister, and return to Earth. Actually, that's still quite a lot when you list it out like that. Maybe you'll just handle one bit at a time. For now, entering the fortress seems most pressing, but fortunately, you have the perfect idea.

E: "So, about the village catapult..."

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>>1947704
The goblins gather round and uproot the catapult. They carry it into position to aim at the castle, then set it down again, along with its plot of land.

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>>1947706
CC: "Alright, Miss Jones, here's the plan. We launch you into the castle first, followed by the rest of us, except Bieblin, who'll remain behind."

E: "You mean Orange Creamsicle."

CC: "Then we'll all hunt down that bird together and save our king! Just watch out for Tuffli—er, Grape Fanta. Are you ready to fly?"

E: "Launch me."

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>>1947713
wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Just be careful not to aim at anyone's face.

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>>1947715
You sail smoothly over the chomper plants and through the first floor window. When you get home, you're definitely having a catapult installed in your backyard.

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>>1947718
Unfortunately, the goblins' catapult wasn't built to launch something as heavy as a human.

BC: "Miss Jones, our catapult broke! You need to get to the drawbridge wheel so you can let us into the castle! The drawbridge! Miss Jones, are you listening?"

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>>1947722
No, not really. You'd probably rank this among your top four least graceful landings ever. Of course, the other three spots are all from today as well...

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>>1947724
After a moment, though, you manage to pull yourself together. You're inside the Goblin King's fortress again now. That's one checked off the list. What was next? Lower the drawbridge? Find the king? Kill the bird? Save your sister? Better make up your mind.

What will you do?

————————

And with that, I'll pause for the night. As always, I'll take any commands you leave me for tomorrow. Thanks for playing!

>>1947667
I'm glad you enjoyed it; I always love a chance to switch narrative styles, as is probably evident.

Rolled 3 (1d6)

Open the tome, go to the page 6 to find something that would help you summon huge badass robots in order to totally wreck this place. Or to not find anything useful at all. But let's hope for better, right?

>>1947734
And while we're at it, this Act of our story seems like a good time to turn to Page 2 and get some new skills to use on our adventure!

>>1947841
Agreed. It would be nice to get some new Abilities®, but I hope the Nexo® Shield® is included. How can we use the powers® without it®?

We have to wait 5 more hours and I'm already dying from excitement ;_;

>>1948111
Same. I have the sinking feeling that we're going to have a bittersweet ending, which is making the wait even more unbearable.

>>1948155
I think it is going to be happyend, judging by the whole tone of narrative, which is incredibly comfy and nicey, and anons' choices. We already helped the goblins rescue the beetle and did other many nice things, so it seems that at the end Goblin King won't get killed and Archon will be sent to Galidor hell.
God, I love this story so much. I even want to buy some elves sets now.

>>1948184
Funtron-anon confirmed for paid Lego shill.

>>1948194
If it's true, then it is literally the best advertisement EVER.
_______
I want this to never end so much ;_;

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>>1947841
Now that the action's starting to ramp up, you know just what it's time for: quiet reading! You open the Tome of Exposition to page two (though its pages seem a little reluctant to part after your last encounter) and begin looking for useful tips.

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>>1947734
You then turn to page six, very carefully so as not to tear the pages.

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>>1948326
On second thought, you tear page six out entirely.

What will you do?

>>1948326
It was beautiful and heartbreaking. It reminds me of this twilight fan fiction reading vid on YouTube, but THIS is much better actually. How genius you are, funquest anon.
_______
>tfw no bonkles in this quest

Rolled 1 (1d6)

>>1948332
Let's try to get to the portal, so we could enter it and bring some badass reinforcements form Earth or any other world.
>imagine Emily in Ninjago mecha ruining the whole place

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>>1948381
You decide your best course of action is to activate the portal now, cross through it, rally reinforcements (Is this within the police's jurisdiction? Your town has a lot of police...), and then come back to rescue everyone. Of course, the portal is on the second floor, so that leaves the issue of getting up there.

You are pacing through the hallway looking for a way to ascend when you hear a shout.

GF: "There you are, thief!"

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>>1948411
Grape Fanta blocks your path, his spear pointed straight at you. Last you saw him, he was lying on the ground stunned by your book drubbing. He certainly seems to have recovered.

GF: "I've been waiting for this day, the day when I get my revenge!"

It has actually been a few hours tops since you knocked him out, but you don't press the issue.

What will you do?

Rolled 1 (1d6)

>>1948421
>>1948421
Tell him that big and scary human army is going to wreck this place, and if he assists you, they will make him the king! or at least give him many huge juicy chicken legs. In humans world we have lots of this stuff.

>>1948326
I am psyched as hell that we finally get to read Chapter 93!

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>>1948441
E: "Listen, Grape Fanta."

GF: "My name is Tufflin, elf scum!"

E: "And I'm actually a human, thank you very much. And in a little while, an army of humans from Earth is going to barge through that portal up there and seize control of this place. Whose side do you want to be on when that happens? The side of the conquerors, or the side of your spineless king? If you play your cards right, you could even end up a king yourself, with as many drumsticks as you w—"

GF: "Enough lies!"

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>>1948544
Tufflin lunjes at you with his feet, and also his hand, and also his spear which is into his hand. Fortunately, you manage to avoid his attack, but just barely.

GF: "My loyalty is to my king, and my king alone. I'll not be led astray by your deceit!"

What will you do?

Rolled 4 (1d6)

>>1948551
Well, should have seen that coming.
_______
Jackiechan the hell out of his spire and shield and throw him out of the castle, because that's exactly what human girls aged 7-12 years do! Have you ever watched ehnimeaah?

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>>1948591
With a flying kick, you knock Grape Fanta's shield out of his hands. Not bad for someone without knees or ankles, or even separate hip articulation.

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>>1948817
He attempts to stab you again with his spear, but you're too agile. You run along the length of his spear and deliver a decisive bop to his head with your splatbook.

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>>1948825
However, he isn't finished yet. Lying on the ground, he curses you and the world you came from.

GF: "I'll never surrender, human! I'll fight for my king till the end! Once I get back up, I'll put you in your place. All for my king!"

What will you do?

Rolled 2 (1d6)

>>1948834
Throw the contents of the potion behind us over him, hoping it will somehow shut him up.

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>>1948908
Time for Grape Fanta to chill, you think. You retrieve the purple potion from over by the bedroom and inspect it. There's a blue cross on the cap. Hmm, where have you seen cross signs in conjunction with potions or pharmaceuticals before? Think, Emily!

...Nope, can't figure out that iconography at all. Guess you'll just have to try it and see.

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>>1948952
You dump the entire bottle over Grape Fanta as he lies dazed. It looks like, well, Grape Fanta. Kind of smells like it too. The sugary beverage, not the goblin, that is.

Magical elf sparkles begin rising off of Grape Fanta's body.

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>>1948955
GF: "I feel great!"

Grape Fanta leaps up as though he had never been bopped. The potion appears to have rejuvenated him considerably. Sleeping potion; healing potion—easy mistake to make.

What will you do?