>>451454
>...Sure.

>>451463
Seconded
I'll archive EDQ in a minute, gimme a sec

EDQ 22 is now archived.

QM, just wanted to say I think you've misnumbered this thread, as we should be on 9 not 10. I'll try to keep that in mind if i'm the one to archive it.

"Sure, I guess."

"Great."

You shake hands with the human, who introduces you briefly to his family. They leave on warm regards... Though nothing will sate you wanting your own pool.

You go back inside, and sit on the couch, and Kutyvoka comes over. You decide to watch some good old fashioned televison. You get no good channels and quickly turn it off.

"...N-nothing good on?"

"...Yeah, to be honest."

Actions.

>Surprise petting attack, go!
>Why don't you lay on me as I surf some channels? It'll be comfy, I promise.
>...Do you know anything good?
>Yeah, I'm just going to take a nap. Wake me up when something happens.
>Write-In

File: ComfyReagan.jpg (143 KB, 600x897)

143 KB JPG

>>451488
>Why don't you lay on me as I surf some channels? It'll be comfy, I promise.

>>451492
top kek

"Why don't you lay on me while I surf some channels? It'll be comfy, I promise."

"...No thanks. I'm good."

"...Aw."

"Anyways... If your bored, you s-should just invite one of your friends from the army, I guess."

Actions.

>That's a great idea, thank you!
>...Just take a nap or something.
>...What? No. I'm good petting you.
>...Get on my lap, please. (Charisma)
>Write-In

>>451502
>>...What? No. I'm good petting you.
You can be our friend!

"What? No. I'm good petting you. You can be my friend."

"...R-right. I guess..."

"What's with the hesitation?"

"...I just reminded myself of the people you killed in front of me. I don't know why but I just don't feel anything for them now."

Actions.

>Good! That means you're no longer a racist human!
>Uh... Well, that's slightly concerning. I guess.
>Well, who's a good girl, Kutyvoka? Because I think you know what time it is.
>Well, it's about time!
>Write-In

Bumping

>>451517
>Good! That means you're no longer a racist human!

"Good, that means you aren't a racist human anymore!"

"...I guess so, Stojan."

"...Yeah. I feel like today's going to be a slow day. Not much to do, that sort of thin-"

You hear a firm knock on the door.

Actions.

>...Look outside to see what the fuck is happening.
>...Uh, just take a nap.
>Yell for whoever it is to go away.
>Open the door.
>Write-In

>>451517
>Uh... Well, that's slightly concerning. I guess.

>>451572
>...Look outside to see what the fuck is happening.

You peek through the blinds and see Santiago standing outside, patiently. He knocks on the door again.

Actions.

>...Open the door.
>...Uh, just take a nap.
>Yell for Santiago to go away.
>Write-In

Sorry anons, but I've got to go for now. Continuing later.

>>451586
>>...Open the door.

>>451586
>...Open the door.

>>451586
>>...Open the door.

QM?

He has a weird sleep schedule, he'll be back eventually.

Back, anons.

You open the door, with Santiago directly in front of you.

"Stojan, the treasury is dangerously low and I tracking where these payments are going..."

"It's my home, so I can use the treasury for it. Besides, I needed to fit in my bathtub! It was life or death!"

"Well, Stojan, I'm not here to complain about your spending habits, I'm here on how we can get some good money, now come on senor."

You see that Santiago has a... Limo?

"I thought you destroyed your connections to the mob?"

"I still have some personal retainers of great use to me. Now come on."

Actions.

>...No, this is somewhat shady. Let's do inside please.
>Very well, but there better be snacks in that limo...
>Would you care if I brought someone along?
>Write-In

>>452828
>Very well

We still need to investigate that castle we found earlier. There's bound to be treasure there.

>>452828
What exactly will we be doing?

>>452835
Do this actually.

"Very well."

The two of you get into the back of the limo, which begins to drive.

"So, as you know, I have a few connections to the criminal underground... They may be a little sketchy, but it's little more then doing favors for a nice sum of money. Of course, this is one of the other three options, the second being simply raising taxes and the third being directly connected to the mob."

"...Why exactly are you telling me to help the mob?"

"They're great at getting money fast, and you can always choose to betray the mob."

"I thought I told you to destroy your connections to the mob?"

"Easier said then done. I still have a few friends, and so far we simply don't have any way to get money quick and fast. Besides, getting on the mob's good side might help out when it comes to getting equipment for your soldiers."

Actions.

>...No, throw away the mob deals, I'm an honest werewolf.
>...Fine, but only if it's minor acts, I don't want to shoot a place up or anything.
>I need the money... I'll take the bigger mob favor.
>Why don't we try the taxation one first?
>...Listen, there's a castle brimming with loot. We just need to get in there and loot it!
>Write-In

>>452868
>>...Listen, there's a castle brimming with loot. We just need to get in there and loot it!

>>452868
>...Listen, there's a castle brimming with loot. We just need to get in there and loot it!

"Listen, there's a castle brimming with loot. We just need to get in it."

"Here I was, preparing to strike deals. Alright senor, we'll do it your way. Go get that castle and bring back truckloads, got it?"

"Got it."

He opens the limo's door and you get out of it.

"...Also, thanks for leaving fur on my fucking limo. It's going to take a week to get this shit out."

"...Sorry?"

He closes the door, leaving you at the border of the forest.

Actions.

>Head back home.
>Head back home and bring someone with you.
>No, you'll find the castle and being back plenty of loot! (Intelligence, HARD)
>Write-In

>>452887
>>No, you'll find the castle and being back plenty of loot! (Intelligence, HARD)

>>452887
>No, you'll find the castle and being back plenty of loot! (Intelligence, HARD)

Roll me a 1d20+1

Rolled 12 + 1 (1d20 + 1)

>>452892

Rolled 5 + 1 (1d20 + 1)

>>452892

Rolled 17 + 1 (1d20 + 1)

>>452892

17+1=18

Success!

It takes you a while, but you finally find the castle, it seems the two trucks have... Well, vanished. But you don't see any tire trail, and the drawbridge has been lowered most mysteriously.

Actions.

>...Just go in through the drawbridge.
>Hang on, maybe you should climb up the walls? (Strength)
>...Go back, this is clearly a trap.
>Write-In

>>452909
>Hang on, maybe you should climb up the walls? (Strength)

Roll me a 1d20+6

Rolled 16 + 6 (1d20 + 6)

>>452940

16+6=22

Good Success!

You climb up the castle walls, and see that directly next to the drawbridge, is two dead conscripts... You remember these two as the ones who helped Daciana torture you.

Actions.

>...Go over and investigate the bodies. (Intelligence)
>Try to find the conscripts you killed.
>...Investigate the castle.
>Write-In

>>452963
>...Go over and investigate the bodies. (Intelligence)

>>452963
>...Go over and investigate the bodies. (Intelligence)

Roll me a 1d20+1 once again!

Rolled 14 + 1 (1d20 + 1)

>>452970

Rolled 4 + 1 (1d20 + 1)

>>452970

Rolled 1 + 1 (1d20 + 1)

>>452970

>>452995
Why can't we have nice things?

>>452995
1+1=2

Critical Failure!

Channeling your inner police officer, you go up to the bodies.

And proceed to trip. As you try to get up you find that you have not only covered them in fur, you've also squished them slightly. Now, there's no way for you to tell how they died... Not to mention you contaminated the crime scene. You really should get gloves.

Actions.

>You're a loose cannon now, time to just eat the bodies since there's no other use for them.
>...Find the conscripts you killed from earlier.
>Nah, it's time to investigate the castle.
>Write-In

>>453003
>You're a loose cannon now, time to just eat the bodies since there's no other use for them.

A full werewolf is a healthy werewolf.

>>453003
>You're a loose cannon now, time to just eat the bodies since there's no other use for them.
Detective Stojan confirms that these people are indeed dead

You shrug your arms and start to tear into the conscripts. They aren't as tasty as alive or alive in your belly conscripts, but you feel a little more full.

Of course, you have a few places to go next.

Actions.

>Investigate the crime scene at that armory you attacked. Detective Stojan is on the case!
>...Investigate the castle!
>...Go back home.
>Write-In

>>453026
>Investigate the crime scene at that armory you attacked. Detective Stojan is on the case!

>>453026
>Investigate the crime scene at that armory you attacked. Detective Stojan is on the case!

You go over to the armory, and find the corpses of the men you attacked earlier. It seems they have been relatively untouched.

Actions.

>...Loot? Loot.
>Nom and loot them.
>Just nom them.
>Leave them be, no need to further incriminate yourself.
>Write-In

>>453041
>...Loot? Loot.

Gypsy powers activate!

You go up to the bodies and begin to loot them.

Roll me a 1d20+1 for loot quality.

Rolled 20 + 1 (1d20 + 1)

>>453059

20+1=21

Critical Success!

While searching their bodies... You find some golden ingots, which you'd price at being worth at least ten thousand in worth. Oh, and you also find some family photos and other emotional stuff, but you just throw that stuff to the side.

Actions.

>Leave them be and explore the castle.
>Nom them, of course. No body goes uneaten.
>Write-In

>>453069
>Leave them be and explore the castle.

You leave them be and go up to the castle. The window which was open remains open, but the front door, so to speak, will be very hard to open.

Actions.

>...Try to break down the door! (Strength, VERY HARD)
>Try to climb up to the window. (Agility, HARD)
>...See if you can't get a running jump to the window on the walls. (Agility, RISKY)
>Write-In

>>453082
>Try to climb up to the window. (Agility, HARD)

Sorry anons, but I've got to go again. I'll see you tomorrow (tomorrow for the Americans)

Roll me a 1d20+2 please.

Rolled 2 + 2 (1d20 + 2)

>>453559

Rolled 18 + 2 (1d20 + 2)

>>453559

18+2=20

Success!

You climb up, and narrowly get in through the window... Around you, is what seems to be a library... It's rather cold in here, dust has settled, indicating the age. Some rubble and debris fill the room and most of the books seem faded, and you think if you opened them they might disintegrate... There's also a door leading outside of the tower.

Actions.

>...Use the door, maybe it's unlocked?
>Oooh... Books. You should start stuffing them into your tracksuit.
>...Maybe you should search through the rubble for loot?
>...Try to listen through the door. It's eerily quiet.
>Write-In

>>453609
>>Write-In
check old books for amazingness also
>...Maybe you should search through the rubble for loot?
because we need all the loot and finally
>...Try to listen through the door. It's eerily quiet.
don't want to get ambushed!

You decide to check the books, loot, and listen.

Roll me a 3d20. First is to see if the books won't disintegrate, second is for loot, and third is for listening.

Rolled 16, 9, 6 = 31 (3d20)

>>453617

>>453618
is there anyone else? please roll

Rolled 12, 16, 17 = 45 (3d20)

>>453617

16, 16, 17

You find that the books are mostly written in German, which sadly enough you cannot read. However, the texts are illuminated with small gems and the words shine like gold... If you chose to, you could try to pry out the gems.

Actions.

>Inner viking is a go. (Gain 5k)
>No, this belongs in a museum!
>...Hold on to it for a little while. Maybe Kutyvoka can translate?
>Write-In

>>453627
>>...Hold on to it for a little while. Maybe Kutyvoka can translate?

You decide to hold onto it, deciding that Kutyvoka can translate.

You search through the loot and find what seems to be a metal shield, bearing the coat of arms of the Teutonic Order, and a long-dead skeleton. It seems looters took the armour long ago.

Actions.

>...Hold onto the shield
>Equip the shield!
>Try to stuff it into your suit, you can probably get a nice price for it.
>Write-In

>>453635
>>...Hold onto the shield

You sling the shield over your arm and begin to listen through the door. All you can hear is... Well... Wind. But there isn't any wind outside though... You also hear a strange sound, the creaking of metal.

Actions.

>...Open the door.
>...No, no. Get the MG-42 out, and spray this door off it's hinges! (Machinegunning)
>Kick the door down! (Strength)
>Climb back down the tower.
>Write-In

>>453647
>>Write-In
is there any windows leading in from outside? if so i would like to see whats going on before we kill the potential hostages

>>453653
Hostages? You just went through the only open window.

>>453663
meh just in case

>>453647
okay then
>...Open the door.
don't want to damage any loot

You carefully open the door, and that the hallway is dark, dark enough to the point you can't even see the floor well. As you look down the hallway, there is a strange gust of wind and a room, along with a hallway leading further into the castle. The creaking continues, coming from the second room...

Actions

>...Open the door to the second room.
>...Listen up against the wall to the second room.
>No, go down the hallway.
>Turn back.
>Write-In

>>453677
>...Listen up against the wall to the second room.

You listen up against the wall to the second room...

Roll me a 1d20+1 to identify what exactly it is.

Rolled 17 + 1 (1d20 + 1)

>>453686

17+1=18

Success!

You identify the sounds as gears. Rather old ones, to be specific, and you can hear it end directly at the front of the door... You test the knob, and find that the door is mechanically locked.

Actions.

>...Mechanically? Well, there has to be a switch somewhere.
>HUSSAR CHARGE the door! (Strength, +1,HARD)
>...Damn it. Maybe you can try to lockpick it with your claws? (Agility, HARD)
>Write-In

>>453694
>>...Damn it. Maybe you can try to lockpick it with your claws? (Agility, HARD)
Don't damage the door

Roll me a 1d20+2

Rolled 9 + 2 (1d20 + 2)

>>453700

Rolled 7 + 2 (1d20 + 2)

>>453700

Rolled 17 + 2 (1d20 + 2)

>>453700
Shazam!

is there anyone else here?

Rolled 1 + 2 (1d20 + 2)

>>453700
What the fuck is this place, should we be worried about ... paladins!

>>453712
1+2=3

Critical Failure!

You begin to lockpick, and suddenly your left claw snaps off! It fucking hurts like hell, and starts bleeding... Then, the claw drops to the floor, and the mechanical gears start whiring...
That can't be good...

Roll me a 1d20+2 to see if you can dodge!

You have a minor injury! -1 on Combat Rolls until the minor injury is healed!

Rolled 1 + 2 (1d20 + 2)

>>453716

>>453708
>>453712
For what purpose?

>>453717
sorry...

Rolled 11 + 2 (1d20 + 2)

>>453716
Going for the save.

1+2=3

Critical Failure!

You get up, and a sudden TWANG come from the the door, sending three arrows straight into you. One hits you straight in the head, a second one in the arm, and a third one in the chest. (-180 HP)

You feel a slightly burning sensation in your body, and flop to the side of the wall, heavily injured... You find it hard to stand, and the sudden pain has rendered you stunned.

HP Remaining: 120

Actions.

>...Try to preform some basic first aid, like take the fucking arrows out. (Intelligence, HARD)
>...Try to crawl your way out of this castle.
>...Try to shake off your stun. (Determination, HARD)
>...Force yourself to stand. (Determination)
>Write-In

>>453731
>>...Try to preform some basic first aid, like take the fucking arrows out. (Intelligence, HARD)

>>453731
>>...Try to preform some basic first aid, like take the fucking arrows out. (Intelligence, HARD)
There will definitely be no more crit fails. Truly.

Roll me a 1d20+2 to remove keba- I mean arrow.

Rolled 4 + 2 (1d20 + 2)

>>453740

Rolled 16 + 2 (1d20 + 2)

>>453740
I am dedicating this roll to sanity.

16+2=18

Success!

You remove the arrows, and find the arrow that hit you in the head miraclously missed you, and merely took a piece of your ear. At least you have a pierced ear now, which hopefully looks cool. Your hat has sadly also taken a slight bruising.

As you remove the arrows, you find that they were purposely covered in dirt, and who knows how many centuries old it is? Hopefully infection doesn't come into play.

HP Regained: 20

Your stunning has begun to worn off, but you require actual medical equipment. No need to die of infection or worse, you know.

You begin to stand up... And it takes a little effort to stand.

The door seems to still be locked...

Actions.

>...Take out your shield and press it up against the door. That will prevent you from getting more arrows caught in your body!
>...Try to lockpick using another claw. Hopefully it doesn't break off this time. (Agility, VERY HARD)
>Hussar Charge the door! (Strength, VERY HARD, +1)
>Leave the door be and continue on. There might be something somewhere to open it.
>Write-In

>>453747
>>...Take out your shield and press it up against the door. That will prevent you from getting more arrows caught in your body!

>>453747
>>...Take out your shield and press it up against the door. That will prevent you from getting more arrows caught in your body!
>>...Try to lockpick using another claw. Hopefully it doesn't break off this time. (Agility, VERY HARD)

Roll me a 1d20+2.

Rolled 9 + 2 (1d20 + 2)

>>453764
nat 1

9+2=11

Great Failure!

You fail to pick the lock, and jam the door.
Shit.

Actions.

>Failure isn't acceptable! HUSSAR CHARGE through the door! (Strength, +1, VERY HARD)
>Leave. Maybe you can find a way to open it elsewhere.
>Write-In

>>453772
>>Leave. Maybe you can find a way to open it elsewhere.
actively focus on finding the witch we can't damage the door!

>>453772
>>Leave. Maybe you can find a way to open it elsewhere.
Press "use" on EVERYTHING!

You leave the door, and turn into a hallway, where a staircase is. Since your at the top floor you head downward, and eventually you see a fresh corpse... With a bloodstained journal in his left hand, and what seems to be a revolver in his other hand. You see that he is also wearing a conscript uniform. Surrounding him, is a empty circle room, with a door in one side of it.

Actions

>...Back up the stairs and out of Castle McFuckery.
>...Ooooh, journal. Time to read!
>...Oooh, a body! Time for looting, and if you feel like it, eating!
>...Go up to the door!
>Write-In

>>453778
Journal.

You slowly go up to the corpse, and pry the journal out of his hands. As you open it, you remember you cannot in fact, read Russian. You might be able to speak it, but that's really it.

Actions.
>...Toss the journal to the ground, it's absolutely useless to you.
>...Eat the dead conscript. You could go for being a little more focused.
>Just eat the journal, leave nothing to waste of course.
>...Loot the conscript.
>No, go through the door.
>Go back upstairs.
>Write-In

>>453786
>...Loot the conscript.

>>453786
>>Write-In
put it with the other books awaiting translation

Roll me a 1d20 for loot quality.

Rolled 8 (1d20)

>>453796

8

You find nothing of real interest on the conscript, and the revolver is unloaded. Damn it.
You put the journal into the tracksuit...

Actions.

>...Open the door and go through it.
>Eat the corpse.
>Write-in

>>453811
>>...Open the door and go through it.

You open the door to the second room, which reveals to you a small dormitory, devoid of anything but rotten beds and a few skeletons. One can only wonder how they died here. However, you see a chest in the other side of the room...

Actions.

>Go over and open it, of course!
>It might be trapped. Carefully go up to it.
>Throw something at it, like a stone.
>Yeah, no. You don't trust boxes.
>Write-In

>>453867
>>Write-In
check for switches or levers for the door

Roll me a 1d20+1

Rolled 4 + 1 (1d20 + 1)

>>453873
i keep failing can someone else roll as well?

Rolled 4 (1d20)

>>453873

Rolled 20 + 1 (1d20 + 1)

>>453873

A fucking twenty. You guys get twenties on the least important shit to man, while you guys get the ones on the most important shit.

Critical Success!

You search everywhere, under the beds, under the tables, hell you even pry a few bricks out of the wall. Sadly, you can't find a lever. What you do find instead, is a rusty golden key. To what, you don't exactly know. When you grab it and pull it out of it's hiding spot, which is behind a brick, you see a section of the wall begin to open, showing a dank and dreary hallway, lacking any light.

Actions.

>...Open the chest in the middle of the room.
>Erh, just leave this place. You might have more luck on the stairs going downward.
>...What could be down the secret pathway?
>Write-In

>>453906
>>...Open the chest in the middle of the room.
To be fair we got a 20 for loot earlier, proof we are still Indiana Jones.

You go over to the chest in the center of the room, and open it.

Roll me a 1d20 for loot quality once again!

Rolled 8 (1d20)

>>453909

Rolled 10 (1d20)

>>453909

Rolled 20 (1d20)

>>453909
nat 1 again

>>453930
KEK
INDIANA JONES

Damn son.

Critical Success!

You pry open the chest, and look inside... A bundle of white cloth holds something, and you pull out what seems to be a... Sword? It has a golden and engraved guard, which is extremely pointed upwards, with a ruby right at the pommel of the blade. The grip of the blade is also studded, and you also notice that the pommel with the ruby in it has a rather strange insignia.

Actions.

>...Ooooh. Now this, is a knife. Personally take this sword for your own use.
>This belongs in a museum!
>...This could be a great present to someone!
>Ooooh, more money for your treasury!
>...Take a closer look at the insignia.
>Write-In

>>453939
>>...Take a closer look at the insignia.
>...Ooooh. Now this, is a knife. Personally take this sword for your own use.

>>453939
>>...Ooooh. Now this, is a knife. Personally take this sword for your own use.
>>...Take a closer look at the insignia.
on 20 this might be anything

>>453943
I'm hoping Joyeuse personally.

File: Monogram.png (5 KB, 100x106)

5 KB PNG

As you look upon the insigna, you see a rather interesting symbol... That of an eagle. You specifically recognize it as the eagle of the Holy Roman Empire. The cloth beneath the blade has a symbol on it... Something which looks like a monogram to you. The blade also come with what seems to be a sheath.

Actions.

>...Take the cloth also, it might be valuable.
>Leave the room.
>...Think... What does this symbol represent? You weren't a history nerd for nothing... (Intelligence, HARD)
>Write-In

>>453952
>>...Take the cloth also, it might be valuable.
>>...Think... What does this symbol represent? You weren't a history nerd for nothing... (Intelligence, HARD)

Roll me a 1d20+1 for identification.

Rolled 3 + 1 (1d20 + 1)

>>453958
Any bets for the cloth? Shroud of Turin I think.

>>453959
>>453958
Shit, missed the mention of the monogram.

Rolled 7 + 1 (1d20 + 1)

>>453958

Rolled 1 + 1 (1d20 + 1)

>>453970
That's it. I'm killing myself.

>>453970
>the sword breaks in half

>>453970
1+1=2

Critical Failure!

You have not only no idea who the fuck actually owned this thing, or whatever, but you have in fact decided that it would be a GREAT IDEA to bend the sword. Just to see if it won't break.

Roll me a 1d20+6

Rolled 16 + 6 (1d20 + 6)

>>453973
FUCK

In case anons can't tell, high is bad right now.

Rolled 20 + 6 (1d20 + 6)

If we're aiming for low I have this In the bag

>>453976
Oh I know. Now when we need nat 1s, we're gonna get high rolls.

Rolled 14 + 6 (1d20 + 6)

>>453973
i got this

File: images (2).jpg (3 KB, 160x160)

3 KB JPG

>>453978
...........

>>453978
>>453976
FUCK

File: 9_11.gif (2.2 MB, 369x266)

2.2 MB GIF

>>453978
Top kek.

can we use a reroll?

How do you roll a 1 and a 20 at the worst possible times in succession?

>>453978
20+6

Critical Success!

You begin to bend the blade effortlessly, and you decide to flex while doing so. Of course, you begin to hear the blade creaking, and eventually you've literally got the blade curled up like a little ball in your hands.

Nice. Oh wait, shit.

Actions.

>...This never happened. Leave ashamed.
>...Grab the sword-ball. You'll take care of it at a later date.
>Maybe you can try to... Unball it? Is that a word? (Strength, VERY HARD)
>Throw it away.
>Write-In

>>453991
>>Maybe you can try to... Unball it? Is that a word? (Strength, VERY HARD)
use the nat 20 powers that have forsaken us!

>>453991
Also, just as a note, unballing the swordball MAY destroy it if you fail.

>>453991
>Maybe you can try to... Unball it? Is that a word? (Strength, VERY HARD)

I'm not touching a single fucking die this time.

>>453991
>>...Grab the sword-ball. You'll take care of it at a later date.

Roll me a 1d20+6 to unpreztel the sword.

Rolled 12 + 6 (1d20 + 6)

>>454002
Here comes the Nat 1

>>454003
Keep

Rolled 11 + 6 (1d20 + 6)

>>454002
It's the curse of the pretzel

Rolled 1 + 6 (1d20 + 6)

>>454002
DICE GODS WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN US???

Rolled 12 + 6 (1d20 + 6)

>>454002
If only we could soften it up with some fire, like if we were a dragon...

>>454006
FUCK EVERYONE ROLL NOW

File: 1458694628009.gif (763 KB, 500x275)

763 KB GIF

THE DICE ARE CRASHING THIS QUEST WITH NO SURVIVORS

>>454006
>sobs in a corner

Everyone we need to roll now drown out the 1!

>>454012
It's too late. You just had to keep rolling didnt you?

>>454013
>continues sobbing in a corner

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12 KB JPG

>>454006
We're boned.

Critical Failure!

You unball the sword so badly that you have decided to simply just throw it around and hope to God that it unballs itself. It doesn't, and eventually stabs you straight in the chest. How the fuck did a pretzel sword even stab you? (-40 HP)
Of course, you take out the pretzel sword-ball and angrily stomp on it, which breaks it in half. Luckily, it begins to straighten out into something resembling a fucking sword, but that doesn't change the fact it's damaged, bent, and stabbed you.

Actions.

>...Erh, hold on to it.
>Leave it here...
>...Fuck, try to find something, anything! Maybe there's... Glue or something nearby! (Intelligence, VERY HARD)
>Write-In

>>454020
>>...Fuck, try to find something, anything! Maybe there's... Glue or something nearby! (Intelligence, VERY HARD)
this was a 20 loot we must fix!

>>454020
Try to find something.

No loot left behind!

>>454020
>>...Erh, hold on to it.
Do you fuckers forget five minutes ago?

Roll me a 1d20-2.

>>454029
well searching for something can't be too bad

Rolled 1 + 2 (1d20 + 2)

>>454030
Please RNG.
Halp me.

Rolled 16 + 2 (1d20 + 2)

>>454030

Rolled 13 - 2 (1d20 - 2)

>>454030
M-Maybe we should just look for other loot?

QM. I suggest just giving us this one. As for why, its because I am clearly the harbinger of bad fuckin rolls. I post on every quest you play, I shall post in every quest you run and I shall corrupt every single roll made around you until dice start bleeding in your presence. I'm Satan to RNGesus and I have pettiness on my side.

>>454032
(Tears)

>>454035
I shall post* did I mention I'm also the herald of typing errors?

Rolled 13 + 3 (1d20 + 3)

>>454030

>>454035
...As soon as this (((1))) streak ends, I might consider sparing you.
Might. The anon's tears are delicious.

>>454041
You already spared us by not completely destroying the sword, but we're stupid enough to try again.

>>454032
Six crits in a row.
Yay?

>>454032
1-2=3

Critical Failure, on a Very Hard!

You find a strange green potion, and throw it onto the blade, and some of it gets into your eyes, blinding you. You yelling, and topple over one of the beds, straight into another, while you despertly try to rub whatever it was that got in your eyes out of said fucking eyes. You stand up again, and realize something bad.
You can't fucking see anything. It's really fucking green, so you doubt your actually blind.

Actions.

>...Try to find the exit and leave.
>Shit, uh... Try to pick up the sword and leave.
>...Shit... Find something to rub the... Well, whatever it was out of your eyes.
>Write-In

>>454049
>>...Shit... Find something to rub the... Well, whatever it was out of your eyes.
les do dis crit no 7 come on!

>>454049
>...Shit... Find something to rub the... Well, whatever it was out of your eyes.
Can we please grab the sword pieces and move on?

>>454052
Supporting.
We got this anons.

Roll me a 1d20, and pray that you don't pick up the sword and stab yourself in the eyes.

Rolled 13 (1d20)

>>454053
hey look on the bright side it's a sword not a person pretzel this time
>>454056
NAT 1

Rolled 2 (1d20)

>>454056
I got this.

Rolled 17 (1d20)

>>454056
I just found out that the Fullmetal Alchemist live adaptation will have no white dudes.

What fucking moron saw the script and said, "Huh, specific mention of Aryan like qualities, a leader with brown hair and a mustache called Fuhrer King Bradley, and there specifically being an Asian nation in the show which is meant to represent the East. Clearly, this calls for non white actors."

Rolled 15 (1d20)

>>454056
Dice gods don't make me heart attack.

17

You broke the conditioning, finally.

You find what seems to be a piece of cloth, and rub whatever it was off your eyes... Wow, that was a close one.

Actions.

>...Fuck this, just wrap the broken sword up and leave.
>No! You have to... Somehow repair it! Maybe if you hit it hard enough with adhesive material it might just stick together? (Strength, VERY HARD)
>Flee, this sword is clearly cursed.
>Write-In

>>454063
>>No! You have to... Somehow repair it! Maybe if you hit it hard enough with adhesive material it might just stick together? (Strength, VERY HARD)
LETS DO THIS BECAUSE I HAVE NO REGARD FOR PERSONAL SAFETY

>>454063
Wrap it and leave.
Before the dice gods strike us for our hubris .

>>454063
>>...Fuck this, just wrap the broken sword up and leave.
By leave I mean continue through the rest of the castle

>>454063
>>Flee, this sword is clearly cursed.
You have claws and shit anyway. Assuming you don't get them stuck in more doors later.

You wrap it up and leave the room... There's two ways, of course.
>Go back the way you came. Maybe this key fits the door?
>Leave the castle,
>Ooooh, secret passage you haven't explored yet!

>>454070
>>Ooooh, secret passage you haven't explored yet!
then our one nat 20 key
>>Go back the way you came. Maybe this key fits the door?

>>454070
>>Go back the way you came. Maybe this key fits the door?

>>454070
Secret passage.
This can't get any worse right?

You go down the secret passage... Which seems to have a staircase going down. You of course descend down with it, and come to a strange room. A very strange room indeed, as you see that the walls are covered in blood. Eventually you come out of the bloody red hallway, into what seems to be a dungeon and see four plated figures, rusted over. They are rather large, slightly larger then you. In addition bear another symbol, with one pauldron with the coat of arms of the Teutonic Order, and the second pauldron with a stranger one. A much stranger one, that of a red dragon.

Actions.

>...Erh, go up to them. Maybe the statues have some good loot on them?
>You don't trust this. Leave the place.
>...Maybe you should try to sneak around these statues?
>...Watch them closely.
>Write-In

>>454080
>>...Watch them closely.
after a time
>>...Erh, go up to them. Maybe the statues have some good loot on them?

You decide to watch them closely, but nothing in particular happens, so you go up to them. In the center of them, seems to be yet another book... And engraved in front of it in some langauge, is the following words... Drakonius Vulkaris Sedaroium. You don't really know what it means.

Actions.

>...Well, take the book off the pedestal. It must be valuable.
>Make you should loot the statues?
>Nope, nope, nope out of there.
>Write-In

>>454093
>>Write-In
do we know what it is?

>>454093
>...Well, take the book off the pedestal. It must be valuable.
>Make you should loot the statues?

>>454093
Take the book.
Also try to loot the statues afterwards.

>>454093
>Take everything
No idea what that language is but I have some ideas. Dragons obviously, then vulkaris sounds like a harsher pronunciation of vulgaris, a term for the masses. Sedaroium I don't know.

>>454099
Sedating vulgar dragons ... *sniggers*

you hear a voice telling you to search the book for the key word Renixious

>>454102
Oh shit I think I've found something as well. A term that sounds similar, Sudarium, means shroud.

You take the book off the pedestal, and steam shoots out of one of the statues, which starts to slowly stand up. You can hear the whirring of clockwork and gears in it, as it stands upward. You also hear behind you, the door shut with a steel portcullis. The rest of the figures seem to not be moving, and the... Well, automaton raises what seems to be a greatsword. It then points it towards what seems to be a second, smaller doorway. It doesn't seem overly hostile in any way.

Actions.

>...Well, time to fight this thing.
>...Maybe it can speak? Try to communicate.
>Just follow the way it's pointing.
>Write-In

>>454105
>>...Maybe it can speak? Try to communicate.
show him the key

>>454107
seconding

You show the automaton the key, and it continues pointing towards door. It then speaks something... In, well. German.

"AUTHORIZED ACCESS OF OUTPOST 24, SECTOR D."

"...What?"

"...SUBJECT IS CAPABLE OF COMMUNICATION. HELLO."

Actions.

>...So, who are you?
>Erh... What the hell are you?
>...What does the words Drakonius Vulkaris Sedaroium mean to you?
>Write-In

>>454111
>>...What does the words Drakonius Vulkaris Sedaroium mean to you?

>>454111
hello
>...What does the words Drakonius Vulkaris Sedaroium mean to you?
and
>...So, who are you?

"...Hello? What does the words Drakonius Vulkaris Sedaroium mean to you?"

It goes silent.

"...PLEASE ACCESS THE SIDE DOOR TO RETURN TO THE CASTLE. THIS ROOM IS AUTHORIZED ONLY TO BROTHER-KNIGHT LEVEL MEMBERS."

"...I thought I was authorized?"

"YOU HAVE AUTHORIZED ACCESS TO THE FOLLOWING AREA: EVERYWHERE BUT HERE."

"...Is that a joke?"

"...NO."

"...Right. So who are you?"

"I AM AUTORITTER-4904."

"...Alright?"

"...PLEASE LEAVE."

Actions.

>...Not until you tell me.
>Are you sentient? Can you think? This is cool!
>So, what exactly are you doing here?
>...Fine, I guess.
>Write-In

>>454116
>>...Not until you tell me.

>>454116
>>...Not until you tell me.
I'll fite you

"Not until you tell me."

"THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING. PLEASE LEAVE THE AREA OR YOU WILL BE FORCIBLY ESCORTED OUT. RESISTANCE WILL BE MET BY FORCE."

Actions.

>...Come on, please? I thought we were friends. (Charisma, VERY HARD)
>Are you the only one down here?
>Why don't YOU leave?
>Fight the robot!
>You've got what you wanted. Leave.
>Write-In

>>454122
Please. I thought we were friends.
Better start praying to the dice gods.

>>454122
>...Come on, please? I thought we were friends. (Charisma, VERY HARD)

Roll me a 1d20+3

okay fine we i vote for
>...Come on, please? I thought we were friends. (Charisma, VERY HARD)
but only if when we inevitably fail we are still in good with clockwork knight (i like him)

Rolled 9 + 3 (1d20 + 3)

>>454131

Rolled 1 + 3 (1d20 + 3)

>>454131

Rolled 18 + 3 (1d20 + 3)

>>454131
The RNG giveth...

>>454136
OH COME ON

>>454136
GODDAMN YOU REDSHIRT

>>454136
And RNG taketh away...
Thanks anon.
GG

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>>454136
>>454136
The RNG gods want to kill you all. Anons, quickly! Bring out the sacrifice!

I'm just gonna stop rolling now until the streak stops

>>454136
1+3=4

Critical Failure!

"...Come on, I thought we were friends?"

You see a red glow come alive in it's eyes.

"...FRIEND IS A WORD USED BY KEBAB. REMOVING KEBAB FROM PREMISES."

"...What?"

"DEUS VULT."

Actions.

>I'M NOT A FUCKING KEBAB! (Charisma, VERY HARD)
>Fucking run for it!
>Erh, quickly, do something a Christian would do! (Specify)
>Fucking fight this robot!
>Write-In

Holy shit this is retarded. Why do people keep on picking the hardest possible option when we're on a 1 streak. Jesus Christ this nonsensical.

I compiled a list of our crits this thread

Redshirt has rolled three 1s, and one 20
Anons have rolled three 1s, and one 20
Anti rolled that one 20 that acted as a 1, and one 1
I have rolled one 20

That's a ratio of 8:3 shit rolls to best rolls

>>454150
Define Deus Vult and ask to crusade

>>454150
>>Erh, quickly, do something a Christian would do! (Specify)
quick hold up random cross!

>>454151
I only voted once for the hard thing.

>>454150
>Erh, quickly, do something a Christian would do! (Specify)

Say a prayer. Do it in Latin if possible.

>>454156
seconding.
pray to RNGesus

You mutter a prayer, which is enough to make it hesitate.

"...YOU COULD BE PAGAN OR LIAR."

"I'm not, I swear"

"...WHY NOT?"

"...I'm a Christian?"

"...YOU MAY STILL BE MUSLIM. YOU HAVE BEEN FILED FOR POSSIBLE ISLAMIC INFLUENCE AND IT HAS SAFELY BEEN ARCHIVED."

"...How?"

"I WILL REPORT TO THE GRANDMASTER THE NEXT TIME HE ATTENDS THE OUTPOST."

"And when will that be?"

"...IT'S BEEN ABOUT THREE HUNDRED YEARS FROM MY INTERNAL CLOCK."

Actions.

>...Well, could you put away the greatsword?
>So, what exactly are you guarding?
>...Who is this grandmaster? The grandmaster of the Teutonic Order?
>Come on, just tell me what those words meant. It's not going to hurt you or anything. (Charisma, HARD)
>Leave.
>Write-In

>>454172
Start with
>So, what exactly are you guarding?
But then follow up with
>>Come on, just tell me what those words meant. It's not going to hurt you or anything. (Charisma, HARD)

>>454150
>>Fucking fight this robot!
Grapple. Robots are terrible at grappling. Get on its back.

>>454173
this

"What exactly are you guarding?"

"THAT IS CLASSIFIED INFORMATION, THAT I DON'T EVEN KNOW."

"Any guesses?"

"SOMETHING IMPORTANT."

"...Thanks, a lot. But come on, tell me what those words meant. It's not going to hurt you or anything."

Roll me a 1d20+3

Rolled 14 + 3 (1d20 + 3)

>>454182

Rolled 13 + 3 (1d20 + 3)

>>454182

>>454182
go people my prayers are with your rolls!

Rolled 6 + 3 (1d20 + 3)

>>454182
Here comes more Nat 1's

14+3=17

Success!

"...IT IS DWARVEN FOR THE DRAGON KNIGHTS OF THE ORB."

"...What?"

"WHY ARE YOU ASKING?"

"...Dragon Slayers?"

"YES."

Actions.

>Wait, what exactly is this organization?
>...Dragon Order?
>...Orbs?
>What the hell is Dwarven?
>Erh... Could you read this to me then?
>Leave
>Write-In

>>454209
>>...Orbs?
Multiverse shittery now? We wuz kingz in alternate pasts n shiet.

>>454209
>>Erh... Could you read this to me then?

>>454209
also if we can
>>Wait, what exactly is this organization?
>>...Dragon Order?
>>...Orbs?
all da lore

>>454210
Oh shite no, maybe it's the orbs from EDQ. Y'know the mutation ones

"...Orbs?"

"...ORBS."

"Do you know anything about said orbs?"

"I DON'T KNOW. I'M JUST A GUARD."

"...Right. Could you read this to me then?"

"WHAT IS IT?"

"A book I found."

"...I SUPPOSE."

You hand it the book you had from earlier.

"...MOST RECENT ENTRY: 402 COMMON ERA. WE HAVE GRANTED THE HOHENZOLLERN FAMILY, MOST SPECIFICALLY FREDERICK WILLIAM THE FIRST OF POMERANIA, A UNIQUE BOON. HIS CHILD WILL BE A LEGEND AND A GENIUS, IN EXCHANGE THAT HE PLEDGE HIS SERVICE TO THE ORDER. OF COURSE, THEY HAVE SENT US A SWORD OF NOTABLE VALUE AND WORTH TO THEM, THAT FREDERICK'S FATHER USED. HOPEFULLY THIS ALLIANCE WILL LEAD TO FURTHER DOMINATION OVER THE EUROPEAN CONTINENT."

"...What?"

"...WHERE DID YOU GET THIS BOOK?"

Actions.

>...I found it?
>I own it, don't worry about it. (Charisma)
>I got it off the pedestal there.
>...Hang on, I haven't asked you all the questions yet. Let's take turns here, alright?
>Write-In

>>454230
>>...Hang on, I haven't asked you all the questions yet. Let's take turns here, alright?

>>454230
>>...Hang on, I haven't asked you all the questions yet. Let's take turns here, alright?

"Come on, I haven't asked you everything yet. Let's take turns."

"...FINE."

"Now... What the fuck is this organization?"

"I DON'T KNOW."

"...Fine, then what is this "dragon order?"

"I DON'T KNOW."

"Do you know anything?"

"WHY WOULD I? I'M JUST A GUARD..."

The automaton looks down at the pedestal, and at the book in his hands.

"DID YOU STEAL THIS FROM THIS PEDESTAL?"

Actions.

>No, I swear. (Charisma, HARD)
>Erh... I did. I didn't know it was a bad thing to do.
>...Technically, YOU stole it.
>Erh... Right. I'm just going to go now.
>Write-In