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YOWZA! Max Payne, one of the quintessential action games from the golden age of shooters. It was the first game to include the oh-so-popular bullet time, and used super slick noir comic book style cutscenes to bridge the gap between shooty bits. It was hailed as an amazing game, and was successful enough to spawn an even better sequel. So how's the movie? Well… pretty good!
It very loosely follows the plot, but has enough familiar names and settings to keep it somewhat relevant, though there was only one character choice that confused me. Ludacris as Bravura? I'll let it slide since he doesn't do much other than stare at files and then chase after Max. The major plot points are the same, though. Max's family's still dead, Lupino's still crazy and Mona's still a fox. What more could you want? Well there is a few things…
1. More shootouts! This was my only major complaint about the movie. There are only 2 action scenes in the whole movie, not counting a minor shootout at the beginning. The few shootout scenes are short, but they're pretty good.
2. The Plot. It's sort of hard to follow, but if you've played the games, you should be okay.
Alright, so only two things really. If you like pseudo-noirs like Sin City and you like Max Payne you'll like it. And if you don't you might like it anyway, it's an alright movie, and high on the scale as far as video game movies go.
HOWEVER Critics think different…
Lets check Rotten Tomatoes! Okay well let's see he-…
Oh fuck, look at this gem:
Dustin Putman says"That the freaky angels all over the ads aren't even real is akin to if audiences had flocked to see Jurassic Park back in 1993 and discovered that the dinosaurs only appeared in a couple brief dream sequences."
No it's not you stupid fuck, no one even mentions the fucking things in the trailer. Hell, the first time we say them the implication that they're hallucinations is so god damn obvious it might as well have a fucking sign telling you. Besides, it's not called "Flying Devils: The Movie"
IT'S FUCKING MAX PAYNE. FOR ALLAH'S SAKE, IT'S A FUCKING MOVIE ABOUT A GAME THAT WAS ABOUT SHOOTING THINGS IN SLOW MOTIO-FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU- moving on…
Michelle Alexandria says"I'm a gamer, but don't think I've ever played Max Payne. If I remember correctly the thing that made Max Payne fun was it's John Woo sensibilities with Matrix style bullet time effects thrown in. When first announced, my initial reaction was, why? It isn't like Payne is one of the most popular game franchises in the world. Like I said, I never played it."
Really? Maybe you should, since you're reviewing a fucking movie on it. I'm taking gamer here as "I played Mario Party at a friends house once and liked it.". Am I right? Does that about fucking sum it up? I'm tired as shit with stuff like this.
Also, this pretentious shit right here: It isn't like Payne is one of the most popular game franchises in the world.
Payne? I've never heard of that game. Oh you were talking about Max Payne? How about take the fucking nanosecond and type
M A X you stupid cunt. Alone in the Dark wasn't the most popular franchise in the fucking world either. In fact, not many people have even heard of the game, so why the fuck did they make a movie about it? Could it be that there are games you haven't played that have a significant following? No? Fuck you.
"The cinematographer only had to worry about lighting one color palet - gray and silver with fake looking snow. It felt like this entire movie was made with the Unreal Engine."
HURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR"I really wanted to like this, but the relentless darkness and graininess of the environments just put a complete damper on everything."
Bitch can't handle the grimdarkness that be.
"I normally complain that films like this should be dark, grimy and relentless, so I feel like a hypocrite when I say that's why it doesn't work"
Really? You do? Because I think it's
BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING HYPOCRITE"But the big plot twist was like, "Really? Are you kidding me? They couldn't have come up with anything more original?" This movie takes itself way too seriously."
That's the joke, pigfucker. Max Payne was supposed to be a game taking itself too god damn seriously for it's own good, and you know what? It fucking worked. Maybe if you took that stick out of your ass you jammed up there when you dropped out of film school you could see you're highlighting the fucking point and missing a the exact same time.
Moving on, here's what MTV has to say.
"'Max Payne' is yet another video game brought to grim, snarling life on the big screen. It has all the hallmarks of the genre: cold blue mortuarial color, teeming rain (abating only for photogenic snowfall) and a stone-faced hero bent on brutal, bloody vengeance. The movie is styled to death — it's hyper film noir without the philosophical resonance — and it's certainly something to see. Whether it's worth seeing may depend on your penchant for grim, snarling video games."
Snarling? Your game was screaming at you when you took it out of the box? I can't understand what the fuck you're trying to say. Also, philosophical resonance? What the fuck movie were you expecting; it's based on a video game. Now I'm not saying that video games can't be philosophical, but come the fuck on. Maybe you should stick to reviewing bullshit music and movie about dance crews or something, because you clearly have no fucking idea what you're doing.
Some shithead from EW says…
"The movie is a series of glum interrogation scenes that lead nowhere special, with a not-quite-sci-fi urban murkiness that makes it look like someone was trying to shoot
Blade Runner in Cleveland."
I thought the lack of anything sci fi at all would classify it as… well… not sci-fi. Clearly I missed the 'borg. I didn't see anything fucking
remotely like Blade Runner in Max Payne.
Here's what the same fucking asshole has to say about Undead, a low budget Australian zombie/alien movie release in 2005, which is awesome by the way…
"In Undead, this tongue-through-cheek George A. Romero knockoff from Australia, there is one funky visual gag: A walking corpse gets severed and the legs keep walking, with about a third of a bloody spine sticking up. The rest of Undead, which combines a meteor shower with a living-dead attack in ways that I never quite understood, is on the level of a no-budget student film in which the shots barely match up into sequences. It's about as much fun as watching blood dry."
George A. Romero knockoff? Are you fucking serious? Did they run into a mall I didn't see or something? Or are you considering zombies a creation of Romero's. And the walking legs aren't the only visual gag, the
whole fucking movie is a god damn visual gag. You even fucking pointed that out when you made that stupid pun about how it's a "tongue-through-check" movie.
But I digress…
Critics are stupid heads, and you should never listen to them. Ever.
Listen to me instead!
~Geremy-Tibbles
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