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>>79366619
>Still me, Guardsman James
>I have no idea what happened
>Decide to check what the commish just gave me
>TFW when the pamphlet looks like pic related

>>79366652
Kek

>>79366652
oh oh

>>79366652
huh, let's see where the story goes from here

>>79366652
For free? Surely the Emperor is blessing this day

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>>79366652
>Still me, Guardsman James
>Got no clue what CHAOS is
>Is it a trick of the commish? He usually likes order and laws
>Look outside the barracks to see what the other guys think of this
>Some are reading with interest
>Others found other uses for those sheets of paper
>Decided to look at the content, if the commish gave it, it can't be that bad, right?
>Inside there is four pictures of people, nicely drawn. They look like those the Ecclesiarch carries.
>One is a chubby angel with green butterfly wings, he looks happy and caring.
>One is a regular angel with a blue book. He looks smug.
>One is a red angel with more knives than one would consider useful... they're all bloody too.
>Last one is a man... or a woman? I don't know but it looks beautiful... being carried by other people.
>There are multiple questions, asking about our preferences, what type of people we like, what colors suits us best and other stuffs.
>Reminds me of those Sororitas Monthly magazines Brian is always carrying.

>>79367049
i dont like where this is going

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>>79367113
Keep up the good work, writer

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>Be me
>Guardsman Brian
>Just got my new Sororitas poster
>Got myself my own private area in the barracks to hang it
>Commissar walk inside
>He looks like a happy fuck
>Is he gonna tear up my poster?
>I swear last time the sororitas was just showing her ankles!
>He hands me a pamphlet and then leaves
>WTF just happened?

Uh oh

Damn sometimes I wish I had one of those comically large knives this red angel uses, this fucking lasgun is always breaking on me.

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>Be me, Nice Commissar Trent
>Nicest commissar around
>Really, I am
>I don't shoot my men when they want to retreat from feral orks
>I just give them a seat on my catapult so they can go to the frontline faster
>I'm just a swell guy
>I've been having trouble sleeping lately
>Friends at the Ecclesiarch have been giving me pills for that
>I like the pills, I'm actually having fun shooting orks!
>Makes me sad when some of my men want to desert though
>Instead of executing one I decided to give him a sickass tattoo and send him back on the front!
>Now we're twinsies!
>Canlifegetanybetter?.png

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>>79367577
>Chose to not to read the pamphlet
>Got better things to do
>Open my special crate containing my treasures
>Inside there's dozens of posters of Sororitas
>They're all from Sororitas Montly, my prized collection
>I'd have them all if the fucking commissar didn't tear up my last one
>My biggest treasure is the one with a kiss mark from a Cannonness
>I've heard she's from the Order of the Blue Robe
>James said it sounds made up, and the kiss mark is probably from a greasy rogue trader with lipstick
>I choose to to believe otherwise
>Fortunately the commish haven't found that one yet, but I still fear for it

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>>79367049
>Still me, Guardsman James
>Getting hungry now
>Decide to take a bite out of one of my two sweets bars
>If I read this pamphlet right, it's asking us who out of those four beings would we choose as protectors.
>Ain't the God-Emperor as an answer. Perhaps those are his angels? I,ve heard he has like thousands of them, with like a dozen or so bigger and stronger angels.
>If it's that it's missing a few, that's for sure. I guess it's a popularity contest Like Kayla from the other regiment.
>Let's look at the first question...
>If you were to chose one last meal, would it be A) Black Pudding B) Mushrooms C) Chicken D) Passion fruits E) All of those answers ?
>I have no idea what any of those are, I pick D) because it has fruits in it, so it can't be bad, right?

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>>79368426
>Few minutes passed by
>I'm at question 12
>Have you ever felt excess of A) intellect B) Rage C) Kindness D) Everything E) Everything, but more ?
>Don't know what to pick
>Was about to choose at random when I hear tumult outside the barracks
>My fellow guardsmen were shouting at each other, claiming their protector was the best.
>Those who chose the red angels were already throwing hands at each other
>What am I suppose to do now?

>>79368859
Gardsman, run, ruuuuun

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>>79368859
>Still me, Guardsman James
>My brothers-in-arms are getting feisty over some angels nonsense
>The red partisans have fetched their bayonnets and are yelling about blood
>Meanwhile the blue followers are heading straight for the comm tower... and the green ones to the latrines? With explosive charges?
>There's also those weirdos who just took off their clothes. Reminder that none of them has showered in weeks.
> Gettingsick.png
>Well at least I'm not alone thinking straight, some guardsmen are trying to cease the hostili-...
>One of them is gurgling blood!
>Fuckfuckfuckfuck! Where's the damn commish?
>Fuck this shit, I'm running to the nearest vehicle!
>I'm not the only one thinking that. Brian and 5 other dudes are also going for the jeep.
>We just started the car when we heard maniacal laughs behind us.

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>Be me
>Guardsman
>Named Dave
>Was cleaning my lasgun with the boys when the happy commish came to us
>He handed us those pamphlets and said something about great rewards to the faithful
>Did the stupid thing
>Shared results my friends
>Some got the Angel of Nature, they seem happy about it. Steve got the angel of Happiness... I hate that guy, he's a weird fuck.
>Most got the Architect. When I told them I was the only one who got the Angel of Victory they just laughed at me
>Said a meathead like me was obviously going for that
>Youknowwhatfuckthoseguys.parchment
>I shot them with my lasgun
>The whole camp went uproar
>Most were picking factions
>Those who were with me chase the normies
>Some of my fellow brothers seem to follow my commands
>Laugh out loud as I become the new leader

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>>79368323
>>79369782
>Be me, Dave again
>I'm taking over the camp
>Most of the Red followers decided to join my faction
>Had to break some of they firt though
>No matter, their skulls will please the Angel!
>In His glory we named ourselves after our protector, the Victorious!
>Those under the protection of the Angel of Nature just took everyone's shit (litterally) and went their own way... they also took all of the explosives.
>The blue nerds locked themselves in the comms tower. We're hearing chating in there. Ain't no great victories against pansies so we leave them alone.
>The weirdos took some trucks and went into the nearest towns and villages.
>Fuck... we got no vehicles.
>Fuck it, we got feet and we're better than the weirdos. We don,t need vehicles!
>Decided we need more firepower
>Nab a few of the servitors and duct taped some weapons unto them
>Now we just need to find a coghead so he can give them sentience and make them celebrate with us our new protector!

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>>79367756
>Commissar Trent here
>I am in a good mood today!
>My friends at the Ecclesiarch told me to deliver those pamphlets to my troops, they said it's to make their job easier to educate the mass!
>I have to say, it's a good idea!
>They even gave me more happy pills today!
>The said I did my duty so great today, that I earned it!
>I decided to go to sleep earlier today after distributing the papers
>First time in a while I don't have nightmare
>I slept like a newborn
>When the morning came I made myself soem recaf and prepared for the busy day I had ahead

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>>79370386
>I heard screaming in the distance
>There was also this horrible smell, as if something was burn to the 28th degree
>Without taking any chances I took a happy pill right away
>Everything felt better already
>Went outside, the sun was warm and the weater was perfect. The wind only made my hat fly 3 meters this day. I'm lucky to have been assigned to Archipelagia, planet of tropical islands and hurricanes.
>Dave and his fellow comrades were grilling shrimps and other guardsmen
>Personally it's a little too early for that, but hey, ain't anything wrong with it!
>They all froze in place when they see me
>Dave mumbles something about Angels, cowards and deserters
>This saddened me a bit, but I had a solution!
>I ordered Dave to form parties and gather their lost friends, we'll fight orks today and have a good laugh about it!
>They all seem to cheer up! One of them even hands me a skull-shaped cup with red liquid!
>Considering I haven't finished my recaf yet, I politely refused and sent the boys on their way. I hope we'll all have fun today!

I'll take a pause for now. If other people want to join in meanwhile, they're welcome! If it's okay with the board, of course!

>>79371056
>were grilling shrimps and other guardsmen
lol

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>Be Guardswoman Trish
>Everyone is getting worked up about these pamphlets the Commissar was handing out
>Apparently they are from the Ecclesiarchy and they match you up with a Saint based on how you answer the questions
>Why not, it is not like I have anything better to do...
>Some of the questions are a bit weird or creepy:
>Would you rather: A) check you face in a mirror all day, B) saw off an ork’s head with your bayonet, C) be immune to pain, D) learn the secrets of the universe – A) I guess, that seems pretty harmless, and I do like mirrors
>Do you see yourself as: A) Charismatic, B) Bloodthirsty, C) Intelligent, D) Cowardly – Probably D) to be honest, but maybe this is some sort of secret officer proficiency test, so A)
>Would you rather: A) kill someone, B) read minds, C) be immortal, D) have sex – B) and C) will probably get me shot if the Commissar ever reads this, A) will probably get me signed up for another trip to the front lines, lets go with D), technically against the rules, but everyone does it, should be worth a few laughs with my squad mates when we compare answers if nothing else...
>Get Angel of Happiness
>Okay, whatever
>She looks pretty hot, you would think a Saint would wear some sort of top though, maybe it is just artist interpretation
>One of the sergeants is a bit drunk and says everyone should group together by what Saint they got
>Head over to hang out with my fellow Angels of Happiness
>Two horny incels, that fat fuck, the chronic masturbater, three peeping toms, five attention whores, the uphive bitch with fake tits, the bodybuilder, that guy who wears eyeliner and hair highlights, four sadistic edgelords, the masochist, the drug dealer, and fucking Steve, creepiest douche in the regiment....

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>>79372480
>Could be worse though, Angels of Victory are mostly meatheads, bullies, and guys with anger management issues
>Angels of Nature got a couple of cowardly betas
>And a bunch of the cogboys, clerks, pretentious pseuds, and scholam graduates got the Architect
>Come to think of it, there isn’t really that many well adjusted people in our regiment...
>Steve jumps on a table and yells out that all the Angels of Happiness should be skyclad
>WTF does that mean?
>He starts taking of his clothes
>Right...
>Okay...
>Not going to happen...

>>79372510
Steve has enough of Trish being an uptight bitch and he finally rapes her

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>>79371056
>Be me, Brian
>Former guardsman, now still a guardsman but leader of the Victorious
>Commissar gave us a spook by showing his face while we made a barbecue
>He strangely isn't angry? He looks prety calm? I might have judged the man too harshly?
>He tasked us with finding the cowards so we could launch them with the catapults
>hesmytypeofguy.chaos
>We're bringing >>79372370 with us. Most of the nerds are locked in the comm tower, so we could press them to fix him, but where's the fun in that? We'll find ourselves some techies on the mainland! Hopefully we'll catch the traitors at the same time

>>79372480
>>79372510
>All the weirdos and useless fucks are grouped together
>Have fun groping each other with your fat disgusting meat faggots!
>Trish is with them, poor bitch. Well, it ain't my problem.
>LET'S GET OURSELVES SOME SKULLS BOYS!

Thanks for contributing to the thread!

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>Be me, name's Bob the guardsmen
>Been on the front line all fucking day and all fucking night geting shot at by orks.
>I've stoped counting the gretchins I've murdered today, it's like I'm rampaging in a kindergarden
>I think the orks are sparing me on purpose because they think it's funny (it is)
>Tiredofthisshit.cogboybeepboop.com
>Find the guy with a vox caster and ask him where the fuck is everyone and why there's more greenskins then humans in our trenches
>He just point his finger at our base where the smell of shit and burned human body seem to come from and say "I think a retard locked himself in the comm tower again, he reasured me it was his plan tho"
>Whatever.jpg
>Grab a bottle of amasec with a paper saying "property of commissar douchebag on it"
>Walk pass the rampaging orks back to my bunker and watch heretical Tau cartoons about heroical deserters until I pass out
>last thing I hear before passing out is an ogryn (Maybe an an ork I don't care fuck you) sitting next to me saying "dat pisode's gud" while laughing and clapping like a big ugly kid.

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>Be me, nicest Commissar that ever be
>Received word that most of my men are on wild hijinks
>Also the orks have pierced through our lines
>At least it's the mainland orks, not the pirates
>Bad news keep piling on
>I'm too high to care
>Pic related

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>be me
>ogryn Lunk
>Boss say fight me fight
>Ripper Gun no fire
>sadogrynnoises.mp3
>orks still come
>use gun as club
>bonk.wav
>forget what doing
>try to remember what comes after 2
>get shot in 'ead

>>79367049
It's amazing how much better Cadians look with just a few extra things like scarves, goggles, rolled up sleeves, backpacks, etc than their 20 something year old model counterparts

>>79372510
>Be me
>Guardsman Mark
>Taking a shit on the toilet while pissed as fuck
>No toiletpaper
>Remember I was given a fuckton of pamphlets
>Decide to use them as arsewipe
>Realise I'm left with one
>Decide to give it a shot
>Last meal: C) Chiken
>gimme.tendies.vox
>Realise the other options are retarded
>Realise the pamphlet is retarded
>Decide to make up my own answers instead
>Favourite color?: Black and White
>I wish my father was: There
>Lucky number: 11
>Have fun
>Remember wy I'm so pissed off
>Remember that steve still owes me 100 thrones
>Remember that he used them to order 6 liters of lube and some phalic object some time ago
>Remember that his time to pay it back is up
>Pull up my pants
>Go and find Steve
>Greet Trish on the way
>Procede to beat the everliving shit out of Steve
>WhereIsTheMoneyLebowski.voxcast

>>79368426
ha, homo

>>79369782
the arrows make this a pain to translate :(

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>>79374361
Mark has been left with the sole untouched latrine, lucky bastard

>>79369257
>Be me , Guardsman James
>Fled with gellow guardsmen... namely Brian the sororitas poster collectionner, Jerry the skiiny jock, Leny the wannabe toaster banger, Emile the young twink of the camp, Colin the big stupid one with a kind heart and Charles the arrogant fuck.
>We took a car but it won't help us for long
>Best plan is to head straight for the docks and hope that we won't get bombarded on the ship
>Best plan is to hide at sea for a few weeks and eventually settle into an island
>Just hoping we don't meet ork freebootas
>I'll finish eating my first bar of chocolate, that will help calm me a bit
>I'm feeling generous too, so I'm sharing it with my comrades
>After all that I could almost take a small nap, hope Lenny don't fuck up while driving

>>79374693
should have caught on to that, I was wondering why the translator was bringing up gibberish

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>>79374361
>>79372615
>>79372510
>Be Guardswoman Trish
>Steve is rambling some bullshit about the “perfection of the human form”
>Everyone else on “Team Happy Angel” is either taking off their clothes or standing around confused
>More than a few people in the group reek
>Kind of an “Eau de fermenting sweat, piss, and jizz”
>Seriously people, we do have shower blocks, use them for Emperor's sake
>Or just go stand in the fucking ocean for a bit
>Steve gets agitated about something and makes a beeline for me with his tiny erect scabrous prick flopping about
>Right this shit again, third time this month
>The trick with Steve is you have to hit him in the sack with something you don’t mind throwing in the crematorium later, the man has every genital wart and pubic hair dwelling parasite known to man
>Grab a can of corpse starch off the table next to me
>Naturally it is one of the ones that is leaking and covered in black mould
>Prepare to whip it at Steve’s little Steve, but then Mark shows up and starts beating Steve with a shoe while asking for money
>Decide to slink away before I get hit with a 55w for brawling
>Hope I don’t get a 67k for disrespecting an Imperial Saint
>Two hours later, decide to take a break from moping vomit, blood and diarrhea off the infirmary floor...

>>79366619
>for five months of salary
I don't think Guardsmen get paid. Everything they need is supplied by the Departmento Munitorum and the Imperium doesn't have a single unified currency.

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>>79375640
>By this time night has fallen, and things have gotten a bit........odd......
>The camp is thoroughly divided between the followers of the four Saints, with only a few people doing normal duties
>Team Nature Angel are swimming in the latrine trench, scooping whole mouthfuls of filth into their mouths, apparently it boasts their immune system like vaccines or something – I think I will check with the Doctor first
>Team Architect Angel are all in the comm tower doing Emperor knows what
>Team Victory Angel had a big barbecue before being led to the front lines by the Commissar, looks like they were cooking some sort of long pig
>Team Happy Angel seems like the place to be though, shit is almost as crazy as one of those times the Commissar ODed on happy pills and made up a new annual holiday
>We got an orgy tent, a bong tent, an orgy tent with bongs, a rave with glowsticks, and what appears to be an amateur BDSM dungeon-tent
>Not really in the mood for any hardcore action though tonight, particularly if Steve is still around somewhere
>Hook a few glowsticks to my dog tags and belt, draw some vaguely lewd patterns on my shirt with pink lipstick, then go hang out on the edge of the rave and enjoy a few lho sticks and water-y munitorum standard issue beers someone stole from the officer’s mess
>Today has been a strange day...

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>>79366619
Legit question, do Guardsmen get paid?

>>79375658
There is mentions of black markets and gambling in the Guard Codices, Uplifting Primer, and Munitorum Manual, not to mention most novels and RPGs depicting life in the Guard.

I figure most regiments would at minimum give out coupons for good behavior that can be used for smokes, drinks, snacks, etc.

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>>79375269
>Be me
>Guardsman Brian
>Whole camp went to hell
>Nearly didn't have enough time to grab my posters of Sororitas before the red idiots went berserk
>Now I'm on a jeep with a wannabe sergeant James, a nerdy sport enthusiast, techpriest reject, gaylord bottom and I can't believe it's not an orgyn. Also Charles. Why is that pompous prick here? Dude would rahter wash the latrines if it means he doesn't have to stand with any of us.
>Well things could be worse. I still have my treasure, ate some chocolate and we're going on a boat trip.
>With a little luck there won't be any storms for like 2-3 days... knowing our luck I bet it won't go this well.
>Lenny is driving, and by driving I mean he's like an old woman who intends to hit every bump on the way. If we weren't guardsmen we wouldn't be able to sleep
>I wonder if the higher ups are aware of what's happening?

>>79376247
Would make sense that instead of directly paying soldiers, you know what they'd spend it on and how fast, you'd pay their families.
So, having a son who is a guardsman grants your household a hefty stipend and status.

Female space marines are so fucking retarded

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>>79376646
wrong thread

>>79373080
>Be me, Brian
>Leader of the Victorious
>We've been running full throttle for a few hours now
>The boys following me are beginning to get angsty
>It's been a few hours those babies haven't got their blood
>They don't have to worry, Brian always deliver!
>Talking of delivery, we found the traitors' cars!
>Looks like they all got the idea of going to the docks
>All but one ship have sailed already, there are still people preparing it.. like some of our cowardly "friends"
>BLOOD FOR THE RED ANGEL! SKULLS FOR VICTORY! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
>They never stood a chance...
>sadly we didn't get the first runaways.
>Theirtimewillcome.chaos

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>>79376292
>>79375269
>Be me, Guardsman Colin
>Whole platoon keeps calling me an Ogryn, but that's fine
>Just escaped our outpost
>Whole camp went crazy over some pamphlets or something,
> idk details because I was busy drawing
>Be with Brain "it's not porn it's holy relics", James "gtfo" and new maybe boss, two twig boys, a techie, and Charles
>James is nice and shares his treats with the class
>mfw Im allergic
>mfw it makes my face puff up making me look even more like an Ogryn
>mfw Charles keeps loudly commenting on it

>>79376345
That would potentially make sense on some Imperial worlds but not others.

Most Imperial Guard are recruited on an as needed basis.

If the nearest war zone is a sector away, they will only take the best of the best experienced fighters.

But if the important world next door to yours is going through a meat grinder campaign, anything with a pulse is now eligible for conscription.

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>>79376704
>Be me, still Guardsman Colin
>Be dieing from allergic reaction
>Have to strip down so I dont swell out of my armor
>it'sahotcadiansummer.wave
>Hear explosions and gunshots in distance
>Thought orks but not near fronts lines
>Not near anything besides docks really
>Jimmies are russled
>Tell group have a bad feeling about the docks
>"We should try our luck elsewhere"
>Dont want to rock the boat (lel) but dont want to die either

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>Be Gronk Bone 'Ead
>Luv me job
>Lotsa' shiny medals on me chestplate
>Filling out this weird paper thing
>Circle every answer as A, because A is first
>Gronk never settles for second place
>Go and stand with them weird nakey little 'uns
>Maybe they a little special?
>Gronk protect them doh, just in case

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>>79376704
>>79376877
>Be me, Guardsman James
>Accidently gave a part of chocolate bar with almond nuts to Colin
>I went with the almond when I bough it for extra proteins, should have remembered his condition
>I pray to the God-Emperor for a way to save him
>We were the first arriving on the docks
>Colin is telling us through his inflated mouth that he got a bad feeling about the docks
>Truth be told, I agree with him, but we're on an island with murderous former guardsmen possibly on their way to kill us with extreme prejudice
>And the medical kit we have on the jeep won't be enough to treat Colin. Hopefully there's medecine on the boat
>WIth no time to loose we set sail
>Closely behind us are other deserters, and worse of all we can see on the horizon the Red Angel followers
>Let's just hope we won't sink

DOES HE EVER EAT THE CHOCOLATE BARS

>>79377124
He ate one here
>>79375269

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>>79377124
Yeah
>>79376983
>Be Guardsman James
>Slowing dieing
>After giving warning to buddies feel light headed
>idontfeelsogood
>world goes dark
>wake up in new place
>Room covered in patches of color and texture
>parts look like rotting flesh, or bone, or eyes
>Here voice calling from closed door
>listlessly walk toward it
>Open up door and see pic related
>Face melts together
>Cant breath, cant see
>Scream

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>Be me, the best Commissar in Archipelegia's existence
>The soldiers are having fun!
>Some of them even invited friends over! There are those tiny green things in the... mud? Bathing with some guardsmen.
>The comm tower's roof has imploded, and there's strange lights coming out of it. Always tons of birds, like it's crazy.
>There's also a lot of tents with activities. Too much smoke for me though. I'll head to the dance floor.
>It's inside the barracks where I found James this morning. Man, I miss this guy!
>Everybody's belongings have been toss away everywhere on the flor. What a shame, they'll be sad when they'll have t ofight in dirty clothes against the orks that are coming.
>Wait... what's that on the floor?
>Is it?
>A sweet bar? With almonds?
>Heck yeah, those are my favorites!
>I silently thank the guardsman who lost this treasure and take a bite out of it..
>Crunchier than I expected
>Taste like metal too
>What's this inside the sweet bar?
>pic related

>Be me, Guardsman O'Malley.
>Klepto Drookian on loan after a Munitorum fuck-up.
>Don't even know why I knick stuff, just see a thing and grab it.
>Folks have been especially cunty lately.
>Cept Trish, James, and Colin. They've always been pretty alright.
>Klep one of Brian's laspacks while he's gone barbecuing orks.
>Considering giving it back...
>Nah, Brian's been an asshole all day.
>Brian's lackey tries to dropkick me.
>Catch his ass and atomic brainbuster him.
>"I'm gonna be chainsmoking lho to get past today, aren't I?"

>>79377277
im an actaul retard meant Colin
shit.

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>>79376983
>Still me, Guardsman James
>Colin went down
>I don't know what to do
>First thing that comes to my mind
>I yell at Charles to do something
>He asks me why is he suppose to do, and why should he obey my orders
>I replied he went to a prestigious school so maybe he knows medecine. If he can't save Colin he'll have to practice it on his own broken legs.
>Seems to have him motivated
>About time to, a storm is slowly forming at the horizon and we'll need all hands on deck for that one.

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>Be-OI YA ZOGGING 'UMIE SHUT IT!
>WE'Z DA ORKS!
>Sit around stoopid rok waiting fer a fouit
>youzizmuckinabout.gork
>Get bumped intah by some weak-lookin' grot scratcher.
>TOIME TAH KRUMP DIS GIT!
>WAAAAGH and get a good stompin' on the tinny git.
>Start a roight propah brawl in dis boorin' tin can.
>Whenz we'z gonna drop, boss!?

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>Be me, Guardsman 1558-17
>sole survivor of my unit
>get stuck riding back with Cadians
>they keep worrying about dumb things not related to battle
>think about my unit
>get overcome with grief that I was not able to die to help cleanse the sins of my homeworld
>and around these fools I'll probably die a worthless death
>and the commissar's weapon is severely underserviced, lowering the combat effectiveness of the unit
>at least there's orkz to fight

>>79374101
It really helps sell the WWII-G.I.-in-space look.

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>Be me
>Gib the Snotling
>Life's pretty alright on the rok
>Grow fungus, eat fungus, drink fungus
>Thinking about finding a nice patch of shade to leave some spores in and settle down
>Get krumped because I bump into someone
>Enjoy life as a macabre wall decoration
>Spores got spread, ain't even mad

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>Guardsman O'Malley again.
>Someone from the comm tower has the good sense to warn us a Rok's coming.
>See some asshat in a tinfoil hat drag him back in.
>Go to the barracks to grab my kit.
>See myself in the mirror.
>I'm not high enough for this shit.pict
>Try to wash off weird spoke tattoo. Nope, somebody fuckin' needled that in.
>It's also on my shotgun leg.
>That leg cost me so many ration coupons, it's not even funny.
>Sigh of infinite suffering, just grab my kit and go.
>Stop by local Guard Rave to tell people.
>Why the fuck are they all naked?
>... Nevermind, don't want to know.
>Tell Trish, apparent only sane person in the disco, what's up.
>Start to head out, realize I klepped one of her glowsticks, hand it back.
>Wonder if I should klep fancy-hat's pills on purpose.
>... Should be fine. Sergeant's still lucid and alive.
>... Right?

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>>79377310
>Be me, best and luckiest commissar!
>Just won myself a golden ticket to visit the Planetera Governor's Sweet Bar factories!
>It even says I can bring friends along!
>I walk up to the stage of the dance floor and grab a vox
>People stop dancing
>Now that I think about it, there are more girls than I remember in this regiment
>Some of the have crab claws, freaky
>Nevermind, got something to announce
>"HEY EVERYONE! GUESS WHO WON A GOLDEN TICKET! IT'S ME BITCHES! AND THIS MEANS I'M BRINGING YOU ALL WITH ME TO THE SWEET FACTORIES! WE'RE GOING TO PARTY HARD AND STUFF OUR FACE WITH THE GOVERNOR!"
>Everyone seemed happy to hear that, especially the crab ladies
>The rave becomes more intense, I even get hugged a bit
>Now we just need to use the comms and call ourselves a yatch or soemthing to get there

>It me, Gronk again
>They got out the glowy sticks the Combi-Sarge said I wasn't allowed to eat
>I ate a few, because he isn't around
>See a new friend approach
>He walks sorta funny, and his leg rattles
>I do not like the rattles, and thus, as the sensible lad I am, I consume another glowy stick to calm myself
>Casually approach the guardsman
>"ELLO DERE, NEW FREN! YA' LEG KINDA LOUD. PLEASE MAKE IT NOT. THANK YA!"

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>>79377478
>Foightin, krumpin lotz ouv gitz.
>Suddenly some zoggin' blingly blarey thing rings cross da rok.
>Dem sireny things get da boyz looking at 'em, and chargin dat mech shit.
>Den da big speekaz schreech out.
>Zog it, itz da boss!
>OI YOU GITZ YAH BETTAH LISTEN, WE'Z FOUND DA HUMMIE WOURLD POLLUTED BY DERE ZOGGING UNGREEN AND PANZY WEAKNESS. EVEN 'EARD FROM DEM STUPID BLOOD AXES DEYS COZYIN' UP WIF SPOIKY GITS.
>YOUZ KNOW WHAT OI SAYZ 'BOUT DAT?
>Suddenly da 'ole mob gets 'it by some invisible gitz puttin' uz down.
>WE GONNA GET ROIGHT INTAH DA FOIGHT PROPPA FAST!
>Suddenly realize we'z gonna drop.
>'EREWEGO.WAAAAAAGH

>Be me, O'Malley again.
>Gronk shows up at the rave.
>Ogryn- not too bright. Friendly, just don't let them hug.
>Finish telling Trish shit's about to go down, before talking to Gronk.
>He's kinda loud, takes me a moment to realize he's complaining about the shotgun leg.
>First instinct is to tell him off.
>Realize even a broken chrono is right twice a day, somebody fucked with my leg to put the spoke on it.
>Tell him I'll give my leg a gander, but can't promise anything.
>Give Gronk a wave goodbye, stay firmly out of hugging distance.
>Head back to barracks to break out the maintenance kit and smoke a lho in peace.
>Emperor knows I'll need it.

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>01000010 01100101 00100000 01110011 01100101 01110010 01110110 01101001 01110100 01101111 01110010
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>01100011 01100001 01101110 00100111 01110100
>01010100 01101000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01110111 01101111 01110101 01101100 01100100 00100000 01101110 01100101 01110110 01100101 01110010 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110000 01110000 01100101 01101110 00100000 01101111 01101110 00100000 01001101 01100101 01110100 01100001 01101100 01101100 01101001 01100011 01100001

>>79372615
based

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Just realise I've use the name Brian on Dave, leader of the victorious

>Be me, Guardsman Brian
>We're at sea
>Kinda beautiful really, same color as my best poster
>Some day I'll see a sister of the Blue Robe order, I just know it
>Colin's dead... or not. Hard to tell, he's so inflated. Charles working on him under James supervision
>Should we call him Sarge now?
>Naw, he's a prick
>A storm's coming though
>Might be a good news, if it's hard for us to navigate, it'll be the same for the red maniacs behind us
>Just hoping we see live another day really
>I'll try to convince James to head for the Sweet Bar Factory
>Heard the Planetary Governor got the supreme limited edition poster from Sororitas Monthly
I suppose he won't miss it

That will be all for me tonight, hope the thread is still there when I wake up

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>be me, tank commander Olga
>our leman russ tank engine keeps losing power
>ask a tech priest to look at the problem
>he tells me to "give him some space"
>me and my driver are having a hot one
>rest of the crew go looking for food
>can see our gunner gave a good luck sign to the driver
>driver is trying to make small talk, badly
>he puts his hand on my hand and ask if i needs anything or someone to talk too?
>nope out of their and see if the repairs are done
>hear banging....WTF is making that-BY THE EMPEROR!!!
>see tech priest dry-humping the engine
>he turns to me and makes that machine sound but angry
>turn around back to the driver and ask for another drink

>>79376093
Depends on the Regiment and the society they hail from.

Some get paid normally, some even handsomely, and will retire with a pension.
Other's are born into debt that only grows, as their planet figures they owe it for being housed, fed and educated growing up, and signing up for the Guard is merely working that debt off (as well as the debt for all the equipment, space and fuel used while in the Guard).

this is such a great thread

>>79379257
Agreed.

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>>79373296
>Be Bob The guardsman
>Wake up in my bunker with a really bad headache
>Fucking gretchin making noise outside
>SHUTTHEFUCKUP.emperorswrath
>Throw my empty bottle hard enough it almost rip the little shit's head off
>Orks start laughing outside and say something about a pit and squigs
>Shugg my cantin of water and go outside
>"What the fuck is the pit and where's my fucking breakfast you green piece of shit!"
>More ork laugh, the biggest one grab me by the throat and drag me to some make shift arena
>Look down in the middle of the arena
>Bunch of gretchins geting brutally gored by squigs
>Ork Throw me like an empty bottle of amasec all the way to the middle of the thing
>Primalinstinct.exe
>Knife and laspistol have sent you a friend request
>Stab'n shoot'n stab'n shoot and bite'n stab'n stab and bite and bite and bite
>Man that gretchin really hit the spot
>3 hours later There's only me left alive in the middle of the pit
>Ork are cheering "Grot killa! Grot Killa! Grot Killa!"
>Sure why not
>I'm guardsman Bob da Grot Killa now

Bump

>>79382009
How would a grot tastes?

>>79383813
like fermented meat

>>79383813
Dirty mushrooms

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>guard regiments just chill on worlds (the job of the PDF)
>not being raised and sent right into the shit

Lorelets

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>Be me, Tau commander Shas'O Myor
>Be not me, my entire troops. Most comprising of fish people we recruited months ago
>Been chilling for the Greater Good
>I've been informed that we arrived at a new corner of the galaxy, this one's owned by the Gue'vesa
>I asked what they do so we could find a way to integrate them into the Greater Good
>Second in command answer with "They are exporting chocolate!"
>Collectively the fish people go crazy, their madness spreading like wildfire
>They overtake the ship and are heading straight towards the factories
>All screaming like pic related

>>79377625
>inb4 this becomes Willy Wonka with Orcs finding a Golden ticket as well

Actually, how would a battle in Wonka's work?

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>we need 53102 billion people to feed the peepeepoopoo engine (only 5% success rate)

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>Be Shas'la Hai-ya.
>Life is shit. Ethereal regularly cucks me.
>Forced to smile and let him because pheromones are bullshit.
>Suddenly people start chanting 'chocolate?'
>Takes exactly 1.67 seconds for shit to go sideways in epic fashion.
>Screaming, pulse rifle shots, compelled to protect Ethereal.
>Compulsion cuts off before I can even get out of the harness.
>Ohshitsuicidebutton.gg
>Fuck that. Get pissed instead. Yank someone's pulse carbine out of their hands, march over to the dead Ethereal.
>Pump his corpse full of plasma 'till I hear the gun beep empty. Start mulching the corpse with the stock.
>When I finally stop and start taking deep breaths, I notice a few Fire Warriors have stopped chanting and are just trying to get away from me.
>Grab my pulse rifle, fight my way over to my girlfriend.
>She's crying.
>Go to comfort her, ship starts rocking. Hug her for entirely different reason.
>Flyboys manage to scream over the din to warn us we took a rocket to the engine.
>Emergency landing time.
>Wake up five minutes later. Girlfriend's got a concussion. Not even a medic, but I can tell that much.
>Life's been shit, my Ethereal's dead, I can finally start trying to kick life in the dick.
>Crazies aren't much help, they're either in a coma or fleeing the ship in chocolate lust.
>Step outside, see Orks coming over to loot the ship.
>Double check my ammo.
>Shas'ui's dead, may as well take the bond knife.
>Crack my neck.
>Swear I heard somebody shout 'kill maim burn' back in the ship.
>Shrug it off.
>Dig in for Alamo 2.0: Tau Boogaloo.

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>>79375677
>>79377586
>>79377793
>>79377625
>Be Trish
>Things are starting to get a bit hairy at the camp
>Up to water-y beer number eight, starting to feel a bit blurry
>Went over to the latrine trenches to take care of some business
>Forgot Team Nature Angel lives there now
>Some of them don’t look so healthy, maybe drinking copious amounts of sewage wasn’t such a good idea after all
>Also, some weird little green things are popping up in the latrine trenches where Team Nature Angel are swimming – maybe some sort of grot?
>I think I will just hold it in for now...
>Stumble through the camp for a bit, maybe I can sneak into the officer’s latrine instead, if I could only remember where it is...
>Hear some weird bird noises, look up...
>The cogboys and other Team Architect Angel types have been making some weird modifications to the comm tower, someone has added large bio-mechanical eyes, wings, and tentacles to it that twitch, flap, and flail around, but serve no obvious purpose
>Starting to get a bit freaked out by this whole “emulate the Saints” thing, how do people even know they are emulating them the right way? The pamphlets didn’t say anything, and I haven’t seen any Priests at the camp for over a month
>Head back to the rave to see if I can talk to the Captain or the Commissar, I saw them both there a while back
>The rave is even wilder than when I left
>Most people are “skyclad” and many of those that aren’t have cut up and dyed their clothes into strange outfits
>People look a bit different too, Carol’s hair has grown about a foot longer than regulations allow, and she has added a few cup sizes, Greg is now has crazy good muscle tone, but in a weirdly feminine sort of way, and there are a lot more women here than I remember, though the one with the multiple piercings looks a bit like Kyle

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>>79385827
>Weirdest thing though is the performers on stage have somehow put together these really elaborate costumes, with claws and horns and skin dye
>Looks kind familiar...
>Oh wait, I think I have seen a picture of this in the Primer, maybe they are some sort of Saint
>Pull out Uplifting Primer from my thigh pocket
>Flip around a bit
>Find picture
>It is in “Section 5, Of Corruption & Dark Forces”
>This is the section the Commissar said we weren’t allowed to read
>Read anyways
>Blah, blah, blah, mutations, blah, blah, blah, corruption of souls, blah, blah, blah, not all mutations manifest physically, blah, blah, blah, areas of corruption, blah, blah, strange smells, blah, blah, don’t look at weird symbols, blah, blah, report strange behaviour to your Commissar
>shitshitshitshitshitshitshit shitshitshit shitshitshit shitshitshitshitshitshit shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit shitshitshit shitshitshit shitshit shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit
>That sounds exactly like what is happening here...
>Start feeling a lot more sober...
>It says to go find the Commissar...
>Commissar is getting a hug from some chick with cup size F and weird patterns drawn on her skin with glowstick fluid
>He is either thoroughly corrupt, or just having a bad reaction to his meds again
>Maybe I should just sneak off before I also get corrupted
>The Drookian O’Malley shows up
>Did he have that symbol on his forehead earlier?
>Decide to avoid looking at his face, which makes talking to him really awkward
>Luckily he is too busy worrying about where the tattoo on his forehead came from to notice I was staring at the sky throughout our whole conversation
>Okay, that was close
>Need a plan
>The jungle is infested with orks, so can’t go running out there
>Some people are talking about hijacking a yacht and heading to a chocolate factory
>Maybe if I sneak on board, I can slip away once we reach an urban area...

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>Be Dirk
>Me Ogryn
>Fighting Orks on planet called "Arkeepelga"
>Come back from fighting Orks all day
>Supposed to go lift boxes with Gronk the Bone 'Ead
>Gronk is super smart. He can count to 10!
>Got Ork stabby stick stuck in arm, but couldn't pull it out so had to go to needle man for help
>No like needle man
>Needle man give needle and say I won't feel pain.
>Felt pain from needle, but he said that it was for stabby stick pain
>Forgot about stabby stick
>Needle man pulled out stabby stick and put some weird water and then bandage on arm
>Leave to go find Gronk
>Where Gronk.bonk
>Go ask new "Kreeg" man
>Says that Gronk and other Ogryn at place with loud noise because Ogryn loud
>Of course Ogryn loud; stop us from getting lost from group
>Thank Mr. Kreeg and go to loud place
>Get to loud place
>Many colors and lights make eyes hurt a little
>Most people here look scary and pretty, but mainly scary
>Go to lady that not so colorful or scary
>"WHERE GRONK?"
>Lady kind of scared
>Maybe she see other scary people here?
>Lady say Gronk just here and talked to funny leg guy
>Go try find Gronk or funny leg guy

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>Be me, Ratlin' Sniper Rumpus Groxshanks
>Wake up in me 'idey-hole in the canteen
>First fing I see is this big green bloke covered in sick makin' a mess of me stash a' sweets bars
>We'rd purple bird in kinky boots n' cotton candy 'airr gettin 'err jollies off behind em
>Don't feel like spuddlin' with this fat green fella, so I's bash 'em over the 'ead with me fryin pan.
>Eat all me sweets bars.
>Spew all 'over me self.
>Cry
>Go back to sleep.

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>>79385827
>>79385883
>BE ME? OR AM I NOT?
>NIERRRFLKUCH'SAKLM, A GLORIOUS SERVANT OF TZEENTCH?
>I COULD BE?
>SPENT DAYS?/WEEKS?/MONTHS?/YEARS? CORRUPTING THIS PLANET IN THE NAME OF CHAOS! OR WAS IT TZEENTCH ALONE AND I FUCKED UP?
>TOLD THE PRIESTS ABOUT MY MASTER? OR DID HE GUESSED THAT HIMSELF?
>I'VE BEEN GIVING NIGHTMARES, THAT'S FOR SURE! WAIT, I'M NOT SURE ANYMORE... WAS I TALKING TO THEM IN THEIR DREAMS? OR IS IT SOMEONE ELSE'S FAULT?
>COMMISSAR HAS BEEN HAVING MORE AND MORE BAD DREAMS, I DID THAT RIGHT?
>CORRUPTED PRIESTS GAVE HIM SOME PILLS, MANY PILLS, TOO MUCH PILLS
>NOW HE UNKNOWINGLY SERVING MY CAUSE! I MEAN MY MASTER'S CAUSE! I MEAN CHAOS! WAIT I AM CHAOS, WHO IS HE SERVING?
>I THINK I ENCOURAGED SERFS TO PRINT PAMPHLETS? I DONT KNOW, ALL I WANTED WAS CHOCOLATE!
>NOW I'VE BEEN SUMMONED INTO THE PLANET
>DID I DO THAT?
>THERE'S SNOTLINGS HERE TOO
>I HATE THEM, RIGHT? OR ARE THEY FRIENDS?
>MATERIALS ARE ASKING ME TO CALL THEM A YATCH
>HOW DO I TO THAT?
>I'LL SUMMON THEM A BOAT INSTEAD, A SMALL ONE TOO, I SHOULD KEEP MY STRENGHT. SO THAT'S WHY IT'LL BE THE BIGGEST ONE EVER, YES?
>MISSED MY FIRST SPELL, ACCIDENTLY TURNED ALL KNIVES ON THE PLANET INTO CHEESE... OR WERE THEY ALREADY CHEESE TO BEGIN WITH? I SHOULD CHECK THE APPLICATION OF CHEESE IN CLOSE QUARTER WEAPONRY!
>MISSED SECOND TRY, IT'S RAINING RAINBOW TROUTS. CRAZY WEATHER, HEH?
>NOW I DID IT! THE BOAT IS SUMMONED! NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, WHAT IS A BOAT?
>WE'RE READY TO GO MAINLAND AND FUCK SOME SHIT UP! ALL ABOARD, AM I READY?

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>>79385827
>Be me
>Guardsman Mark
>In my infinite generocity I decided to give Steve another week to get the money
>I was so generous that I only poped both of his eyeballs and merged his nose and his mouth into one chamber
>Notice that stuff is different arround this time
>People gurgling blood are a normal sight
>The dinner lady probably added razorblades to the soup again
>Some guardsmen are creating a designated shitting trench
>This is going to help keep people away from my latrine
>Remember that I forgot to lock my latrine
>Rush back as fast as I can
>Procede to turn my latrine into a fortress
>MFW

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>Be Captain Johnston of the Ernest Evans
>It's a smoky old vehicle ferry for shuttling between the islands
>Thing's so old it probably has archaeotech in it
>Come to the last stop on the route
>Some island at the end of the world
>Lonely old Guard base, can never remember its name
>Still, makes for good business bringing soldiers and cargo to and fro
>Got the storm behind us, good thing we left when we did
>Get closer to the island
>Squint through the binoculars
>There's a sailing ship being sailed by Guardsmen
>The base is in an uproar and blazing with coloured lights
>There's big green creatures and blue ones in armour on the beaches and on boats
>There's fish falling from the sky
>Trying to radio the base only gets a screech of binary
>What in the seven stormy seas is going on here?
>You know what? I don't really fancy docking to that.
>I'd take my chances with the storm over this
>Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
>We may experience a delay in disembarkation and apologise for any inconvenience.
>Should any passengers wish to disembark anyway, please ensure you bring all your baggage and weaponry with you as you swim to shore.

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>>79385827

>Be O'Malley.
>Fixed my leg up. Sure enough, one of the assholes who ruined my clan tat and my leg didn't screw a bolt in proper. Not sure how I didn't have a limp.
>'Nother one of Brian's lackeys charges at me.
>This is getting ridiculous.
>Screams 'BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD ANGEL!'
>Wait, shit, I recognize that line.
>It is one word off from the words that usually prompt me to ask for a persistent artillery barrage.
>That one sentence puts a whole lot of shit into context.
>Fuck, these spoke motifs gotta be heretical too.
>I ain't no Renegade.
>Put a bolt in red boy's head. End it quick n' clean.
>Trish had her head on straight, figure I should go pick her up and commandeer a Taurox.
>Check the garage real fast.
>There's one left, and it's all spoked up.
>Fuck it, nothing an acid wash later won't fix.
>Hoof it to the rave.
>Trish is still there, looking like she's trying to hide her panicking.
>Light up a lho-stick and act casual.
>Tell her the place is starting to smell like shit, literally, ask if she wants to ride out with me to somplace that smells a bit less like ripe ass.
>Hope to god-emperor she doesn't mistake my brow-signals and glancing for something it ain't.
>... Wait, fuck, I still got a spoke on my forehead.
>Switch to the standard guard hand signals for 'rapid exfil', keep my hands in front of me and out of sight.
>Take a quick look around.
>... Commissar is doing lines off a really weird-looking hooker's ass.
>Honestly have to try to look away, 'cause for some reason, that tentacle skirt got me feelin' some kinda way.
>I probably look a bit more panicked when I finally look at Trish again.

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>be tau Crisis Battlesuit pilot Shas'ui leeyung
>get awoken up from my life pod
>get told some crazy fire warrior killed our Ethereal
>what?
>get told the ship crew are going crazy about Gue'vesa "chocolate"
>WHAT!?
>tell my Crisis Battlesuit squad to suit up and get ready to drop
>Air Caste lost control the ship an crash
>wake up again, see kroot eating their dead "savages"
>other tau are dead, still crazy about "chocolate" or crying about our dead Ethereal
>this "chocolate" must be some new weapon it's somehow making the Fire Caste dumber....is that even possible!?
>set up my team around the crash site
>can't find Shas'o too
>start looting from the dead ammo, food, drones.
>find some pamphlets with 4 odd looking people on them
>the Last pic is a man... or a woman...let's call it an "it"
>squad set up a SOS on tau only network
>nothing to do now but read this badly made pamphlets

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>Be me, Commissar Trent
>Something's wrong
>I feel like throwing up
>I think I'm coming down from the pills
>The camp is a total shit-show
>There's daemons everywhere adn the whole troops have gone heretics
>About to BLAM some sense into this but a horrid monstruosity holds on to me with her vile crab claws and sully the inside of my mouth
>Before I had time to resist I get pushed into another one of those freaks ass cheeks and made to ingest some kind of substance...
>OhEmperorImTrippingBalls
>Some weird bird man who keeps shouting claims a boat has arrived for us
>I get drag with a mob to the boat, halfly throwing up and trying to make sense of what's happening around me
>Some of the traitors painted in red are asking me where Dave went, the fuck am I suppose to know?
>I just mumbles something about bringing the catapult, with a little luck those cretins will sit on it

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>>79382009
>Be Guardsman Bob Da Grot Killa
>Standing in the middle of an Arena knee deep in dead grots and squigs
>Suddenly an Ork wierdboyz materialise next to me and start screaming profanity incoherantly until his head explodes and a Golden Ticket slowly fly down into my hand
>Shit's funny and everybody laugh including me
>Ork warboss stand up and scream something about "Krumping spikey hummie gits" and "takin all da hummie kandies"
>All the orks casually start leaving while I still stand in the middle of the arena
>It become quieter and quieter as they are leaving until I'm left completely alone in the middle of the arena
>"Okay then"
>About to start to walk back to my bunker to watch more heretical Tau cartoons when an ork pop his head back out of the exit and yell
>"OY! GROT KILLA! YA COMIN OR WAT!? YA PANSY GIT!"
>"... Sure I'll be an ork's pet, who said I couldn't?"
>Follow my new insane xeno friends to boats that seem to float by refusing to understand basic physic principles
>Casually walk pass vox guy on my way aboard
>He's now sporting a paper plate mask vaguely cut to resemble the face of an ork
>There's an Ogryn with green paint on his face next to him repeating whatever he's saying as loudly as he can and a fiew other guys hiding in barrels and boxes behind
>iwishiwasbackatmybunkerwatchingtaucartoons.jpg

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>Tau commander Shas'O Myor here
>Crazy fish guys crashed our ships
>They are now running in all direction, raving about this "chocolate"
>Most of my troops are either in chaos or dead
>What's worse, orks have started to surround us and loot the ruins of our ship
>Luckily my soldiers have made a secure perimeter
>Scans of the planet indicate that the major cities are built near factories, which almost exclusively produce the chocolate
>Most likely the only place we can find what we need to repair the ship... and food too
>Order my troops to prepare for an expedition to the Chocolate factories

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>Be Dirk
>Trying to find Gronk the Bone 'Ead
>Other guardsmen are being weird
>A bunch of them went in the tall house, some went to the pottyhouse, some went to find a fight, and others went to the loud place that Gronk wasn't at
>Decide to go to pottyhouse to see if Gronk had to go potty
>This place smells worse than some of the small Orks I step on sometimes
>Speaking of, I step on a few small green things when I enter
>Small Orks must have snuck in, but it looks like the guardsmen here are already wrestling some of them into submission
>Glad to see them enjoying making the Emprah proud
>One of the guardsmen comes up to me
>"Hey big guy! Want a a gift from the great father?"
>He's holding something covered in doody
>"No tank you, need find Gronk. He big, smart, and have metal on head. He Bone'Ead"
>Stink guardsman looks sad
>"Well, I haven't seen your friend, but if you find him, you should come back and celebrate with us. Friends are great!"
>I say okay and turn to leave
>My nose hurts from how stinky they were
>Not coming back there, even if they are nice
>Decide to go to tall house
>Door is blocked, so knock on it
>Hear weird bird and metal voices say to stop and leave
>Doesn't sound like Gronk, or very nice, so leave
>Maybe Gronk with the guardsmen trying to find a fight, so go to where they are
>Arrive and see a bunch of the guardsmen are red
>Also spot some fellow Ogryn, who are red, and go to see if they've seen the boss
>"Where Gronk?"
>"Dunno. Just got red."
>Curious as to why they're red and ask
>"We red for angel. Other guys say we shout 'BLOOD FOR BLOOD GUY!' when fight stuff"
>That's clearly wrong, so I correct him
>"No, dumb dumb! It 'FOR DA EMPRAH', not 'BLOODY BLOOD GUY'! I go get Gronk. Gronk know best!"
>I leave my Ogryn friends, as they scratch their heads, trying to get the line right.
>This place is getting scary. I no like it here. Maybe Gronk can fix this

>>79388501
>>79387961


>Shas'la Hai-Ya again.
>Shas'O Myor got out of the shitshow.
>Should be relieved, but no, just want to strangle something.
>Been popping Ork heads for the better part of an hour. Not satisfying. Still got a craving to wrap my hands around their neck and squeeze.
>Hear something behind me.
>Ork Kommando, looks as surprised as I am.
>Youdonegoofed.holo
>Swing my pulse rifle around to point-blank him.
>He knocks it out of my hand.
>Fuck, that was my lucky rifle.
>Draw bond knife. Don't expect it to do shit.
>Ork says I'm too pansy to fight him.
>For some reason, that gets to me.
>Whole next minute is just a haze of red and pissed off.
>Snap back to reality, I'm on top of the Kommando, breath is ragged and harsh. I hear another Ork whistle. "Youz a tuff one eh? Youz like... a supa blu boy! Youz dead 'ard!"
>Lob the Kommando's satchel bomb at the Ork and blow it up.
>Whatever I did, I feel dead tired.
>Could probably keep fighting for a few more hours, but I'm just numb.
>Don't even stop to question why I'm alive and the the Ork isn't.
>Told I'm getting a field promotion to Shas'ui.
>Too tired to care.
>Shas'O tells us we're heading off to the factories.
>I run back into the ship to grab my girlfriend.
>She's alive, and technically awake, but she's slurring badly, keeps talking about "horny heads."
>Battlesuit Pilot's reading a pamphlet.
>"Blood and guts and guts and blood and blood and guts..."
>What the fuck?
>Look around.
>Ask if anyone heard someone chanting about 'blood and guts'.
>Not a soul.
>Get some worried stares...
>They aren't the only ones worried.

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>Be minself
>The Great Rogue Trader Rastar Populus
>On my way to Terra.
>Stationned to rather small but charming agri-world.
>It's name is quite simple "Archipelago" I believe
>Tells you a lot about the average intelligence of the resident of this world
>And since dumb people attract dumber people, orks have decided to take a little Waaagh here
>But me I am here to replenish my crew and my pantry.
>And they produces quite a lot of "exotic" food by a classical imperial world definition.
>If I could find some chocolate and guardsmen that would be great.
>I would not mind a Freeboota
>Lower my spaceship from space to atmospheric above the sea
>Notice a small ship with less than ten peons on board
>They are all mostly Guardsmen
>Afineadditiontomycollection.magnificent
>Send an arvus lighter to greet them and propose them to join my expedition.
>This is going to be great

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>>79377411
>Still me, Guardsman James
>Colin is in a critical state, more dead than alive but haven't biten the bullet yet
>Spaceship lands near us
>We're asked if we want to join a Rogue Trader
>Between dying in space and dying on tropical islands, it's a hard choice
>The incoming storm made the choice for us
>We don't know how to pilot our boat and Colin needs actual medical attention
>I step up and agree in the name of our group, guess I'll have to fill the role of sergeant
>Brian is bitching that those new guys might steal his posters
>Replied that he should shut up
>Not far behind us is Dave and his blood-crazed maniacs, they just sank a ship with our still loyal comrades on it
>Well, I guess there ain't much binding us here after all
>I ordered Brian, Jerry, Lenny, Emile and Charles to carry everthing that we could into the vessel (which includes Colin, despite Brian and Charles' protests)
>Now let's hope for the best

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>Be Captain Johnston
>It's getting worse on the island
>It's also getting worse out here
>The wind is getting quite strong and the waves getting higher
>Soon we won't be able to dock or sail away
>The Guardsmen on the boat are also seemingly being abducted by a spaceship, and I don't want to join them
>The lorry full of chocolate in the back is threatening to topple off the deck
>There's also several full of ingredients for the factory on the island
>Where am I supposed to put these out at sea?
>there's nobody around in the port
>Where are these goodfornothing dockies when you need them?
>Seriously, where are all these shorers
>Lean on the HOOOOOOOOOOOOOORN
>The sound echoes off the cliffs as birds take flight
>Still nobody comes
>Put down a gangplank and get off to go look for someone
>When I find the idiot in charge of this shitshow, he's getting keelhauled
>I have to do everything myself down here

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>be me
>be Tank commander Donagal of the 37th
>finish running over some pansy who called my malcador defender a glorified tractor with bolters on it
>get handed a vox report
>something about tau sighted fighting orks in a general direction south of old mcgreggor’s barn
>’ate tau
>’ate orks
>luv me corn
>luv me emperah
>luv me malcador
>unhitch the farming equipment from the rear of my ancient vehicle and head forward with a small division of leman russ tanks
>some time passes before the armor is in position to support the guard
>begin to issue orders prioritizing tau targets throwing local command into a shit-fit
>don’t care ‘ate tau

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>>79389652
>Be bob the guardsman
>That storm is crazy
>I basicaly just chosed to drown by accepting to follow that damned ork on his ship
>Suddenly see a small cargo geting close
>PRAISETHEEMPRA.motherfucker
>I don't even have to signal
>this gloriously insane suicidal son of a bitch is coming directly our way
>Cargo bay open and a grim looking guy dress like an officer start talking "I present myself to offer you a-"
>Me: "MOVE ASSHOLE! I HAVE 10 MENS AND AN OGRYN TO FIT IN YOUR 12 MEN CAP CARGO!"
>"Holy golden nugget under terra's thrown, we're way more cramp then I tought we would be"
>Look back at the boat while the door close
>turns out there was only the boat's captain that was actually an ork
>This cargo couldn't be more packed
>there's people squeezed on other people like sardines
>every single bit of space is occupied
>Somebody in front says "We did it lads!"
>Some voice in the upper left says: "we'll die of suffocation before we do anything else ever again"
>A dying choked up voice under the ogryn says "Are we there yet?"

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>>79390301
>>79391473
>Be minself
>The Great Rogue Trader Rastar Populus
>The arvus came back with less than a dozen with a ogryn
>Go to the hangar to greet them and welcome them aboard the Hidden Opportunity
>They were packed like sardines in my shuttle.
>I have enough private space for all of them after a little altercation with the authorities on my previous halt.
>One of them is wounded
>Good thing that I equipped this ship with a medbay.
>Ask the man that seems to be their leader about this world and their previous assignment as I take him to the command deck.
>Tell him that he will receive better gear and quality of life if they decides to continue with me on my "pilgrimage" to Holy Terra.
>As we leave an ocean with quite a nasty storm I tell my men to redirect the ship to an island with a cove so that we can set up a small camp to prepare for business.
>In the meantime the guardsman tell me his story
>As soon as he finish his story my com-officer tells me about a Tau offensive.
>I suppose that in a minimum of a month we will have the Inquisition glassing this planet.
>We will have to accelerate business...
>Like those old friend of mine the Blood Raven we will prevent that to much mementos of this world are destroyed by taking them aboard the Hidden Opportunity.
>Mementos, that goes from books to food or "representant of the local culture"
>This planet will be great for business!

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>>79385883
>>79386300
>>79386430
>>79387608
>Be Trish
>Standing around trying to be inconspicuous
>One of the ogryns shows up and asks about his bone ‘ead
>Mumble something about how I last saw him with the guy with the funny leg
>Ogryn heads off looking
>O’Malley shows up again, asks me if I want to take a drive somewhere
>Can’t tell if he is trying to hit on me, lure me somewhere to do something bad, or both
>He is making some discrete hand gestures, which are either some front line guard code, or something sexual
>But he seems pretty nervous
>Maybe he actually is just someone like me trying to blend in to save their own skin
>Wonder why more loyalists didn’t try to go down fighting
>Maybe because our regiment is shit, or maybe I missed a firefight while I was cleaning the infirmary
>Or maybe we are all already corrupt, and just don’t know it yet
>Fuck
>Bunch of shitty responses bubble up in my head like those damn multiple choice questions in the pamphlet:
>A) “Hello fellow worshipper of the Dark Ones, how is your life in servitude to the Dark Ones today?”
>B) Chug beers until he goes away
>C) Stare blankly into space
>D) “Okay, but no anal”
>Realize I have been standing around thinking about a response for too long
>Fuck it, pick Option E
>”I will drive”
>Grab him by the wrist and drag him to the garage
>Members of “Team Happy Demon” yell out more than a few lewd remarks as we leave the rave
>Mostly along the lines of “Go get some!”, “Can we watch?”, or “What about us?”, but thankfully no one follows us
>Grab a taurox (keys are still in the ignition) and manage to drive out of the camp while only running over two people and four tents, fucking up while changing gears twice, and ramming the side of the gate on the way out
>Scream like a maniac the entire time since have never actually driven something before, though I have ridden shotgun a couple of times

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>>79393124
>>79390578
>>79389652
>>79387966
>Drive down to the harbor, still having a hard time with the steering but luckily the taurox drives in and out of roadside ditches and through dense patches of trees no problem
>Arrive on a hill overlooking the harbor, things are almost as weird here as back at the camp
>Team Victory Demon is rampaging through small packs of loyalists and civilians in the harbor town
>A large mob of Team Happy Demon types are carrying another boat through town with the Commissar in tow
>An arvus lighter is picking up people from a small boat off the coast, or maybe two boats, it is hard to tell from this angle
>There is one boat at the docks, but the docks are strangely empty
>Fuck, what do I do now? The path to the docks is blocked by Teams Happy and Victory, and even if the one remaining ship at the docks is loyal, they may hesitate to accept me and O’Malley when we are dressed like this, particularly if they have already had a run in with the demon worshippers
>For that matter, I still have no idea whether O’Malley is corrupt or not
>Decisions, decisions, decisions
>And then motherfucking Steve shows up again
>Except now he is eight feet tall, has testicles bigger than my head, multiple tiny little pricks clustered together like barnacles, three breasts in asymmetrical locations, eight inch talons, and no face, just a fleshy gash with two prehensile foot long dick tongues sticking out
>The only way I recognized it as Steve is that stupid cat butt tattoo on his navel
>Also, if anyone was going to turn into something that foul, it clearly would be Steve
>And he has a bunch of Team Happy Demon types with him, clearly looking for some trouble
>Fuck

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>be pilot Shas'ui leeyung again
>still reading the this badly made pamphlets
>out of nowhere my cockpit is shaky
>look to my left and see half of battlesuit with a big hole in the chest drop down next to me
>turn my head right and see tanks and 2 APC driving to our front line
>scream "incoming" as we drop the pamphlets and get to what little cover we can find
>half of the tanks are giving good covering fire to the APCs who are speeding to our frontlines
>see one of them slowing down, about to drop off some troopers
>boosting behind them, thrusting my Burst Cannon into the face of the first Guardsman exiting the APC backend
>hearing the screams of the guardsman getting cut down by the Burst Cannon i am blind sided by the Leman Russ Battle Tank
>the thing looks like moving junk, like ork shit
>but this tank commander is on another level, dodging shots like nothing
>but the Gue'La keeps popping out and looking not a me but at our Broadside suits "oh you mother fun-"
>another APC is down by a Broadside Battlesuit, this APC must have been carrying a big VIP because the tank force backs away from us
>later meet up with Shas'O Myor and Shas'ui Hai-Ya, nice promotion
>still got a bad feeling about that tank/

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>>79386300
>>79387966

>Be Dirk
>Still can't find Gronk
>Ogryn friends still saying wrong line
>Angery.ogryn
>Have idea
>Commissar very smart
>Smarter than Gronk
>Bigger hat, too
>Decide to go get Commissar
>Only one problem with that plan
>Don't know where Commissar is
>Walking around when I spot another one of the stinky guardsmen
>They're friendly, so he might be able to help
>"Uhhhh, where Commissar? Dirk need find him"
>Stinky guardsman points towards loud, colorful place
>Emprah help meh.vox
>Remember what Commissar Trent told me when I didn't want to stack boxes one time
>"Sometimes, Dirk, we have to do things we don't want to because the Emperor needs us to do them. And if he needs us to do them, that means we can do it"
>I can do this
>Go to the loud, colorful place
>Take a deep breath
>Air tastes funny
>Go into crowd of loud colorful people
>Some of these guardsmen are weird
>Hard, two finger hands like some of the really big Ork's power klaws, but smoother
>Some of them have extra lady parts
>Cover my eyes with one hand, reaching my other hand out to feel for the commissar
>Not supposed to look at lady parts because commissar say they don't like being seen
>Go through crowd calling commissar
>See through the cracks in my fingers a distinctive red, important hat
>It's him
>One of the weird ladies has him in her bum for some reason
>Pull the commissar out of the group of ladies and carry him under my arm while trying to explain the situation with the dumb ogryn
>"COMMISSAR! DA OTHER OGRYN ARE BEING DUMB AND SAYING THE WRONG THING!"
>Realize that I can't hear him speaking, let alone myself due to the loud, colorful noise
>Bring him outside of the area and then put him down, trying to explain the situation
>"COMMISSAR! DA OTHER OGRYN! THEY'RE SAYING 'BLOOD FOR BLOODY GUY' INSTEAD OF 'FOR DA EMPRAH' LIKE WE'RE SUPPOSED TO!"

>>79394010

Fuck, just realized I misread the end of Commissar Trent's post

>>79394010
>>79394101

>Be Dirk
>Didn't actually find Commissar at loud, colorful place
>Well, DID go there, but I think the funny air did something to me
>Everything looks funny, and now I'm somewhere else from the camp entirely
>wat.warp
>Realize that when I found the Commissar, I actually found him when I stumbled here
>We're on a big boat on the water
>"COMMISSAR! WE GOTTA GET BACK TO DA DUMB OGRYNS"
>Notice that some of the Ogryns are here, too
>"DERE DEY ARE, BOSS!"

Fuck off to qst

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>tfw this thread

>>79394299
>ifunny watermark
Brother you have been tainted as well.

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>>79394203
Bought time the fun police showed up. Thanks for bumping the thread.

>>79393124
>>79393155

>Be O'Malley
>Trish looks confused as fuck.
>Not good, not good.
>Says she'll drive.
>Oh thank the god-emperor.
>We get to the Taurox without much trouble.
>Just looking out the Taurox's windshield is giving me a headache.
>Might need to acid bath the thing sooner than I thought.
>We get to the docks, and a voice in my head is telling me to jump into the water.
>Yeah no thanks.
>Fucking Steve shows up.
>Only reason I can tell is because that testicle tattoo he showed everyone eight times is still there.
>Klep instincts tell me to check the glovebox.
>Gonna have a long chat to whoever thought putting an unsecured Whitefire Grenade in a glovebox was smart.
>Handy though.
>Tell Trish to fucking punch it.
>Tell her to drive-by Steve if she can, show her the Whitefire Grenade.
>We'll figure out another way out.
>Voice tells me to pull the pin.
>Grimace and tell her she might need to take my bolter and put me down before long.
>Already feel my teeth getting pointier. Check myself. Thankfully it's just my teeth.
>For now.

>>79393547
>be tank commander Donagal in a Malcador Defender
>3rd gunner is down
>instruct radio operator to take his place
>demolisher cannon is starting to protest under battle strain
>four main battle tanks in the column are less than scrap
>thankfully the aid of the 9th edition primer allowed the column to sneak up into melta range of the blue skinned pansies
>the driver is getting a promotion for avoiding the fury of xenos plasma weapons after he’s done giving the venerable tank a new paint job
>searching into the back hatch donagal pulls out his plasma pistol and opens the top hatch amid the storm of blue fire
>taking wild shots at battlesuits
>the great white xenos would be tonight’s prize
>whap
>suddenly leaflet
>join the greater good yaddah yaddah, serve the tau empire yaddah yaddah, break the yoke of the oppressors, yaddah yaddah
>it’s fortunate not many of your men can read but the pictures are really nice and colorful enough to present a desertion hazard
>throwing the pamphlet aside donagal takes aim at the great flying xenos only to be jerked around by the driver to avoid more fire
>swears are drowned out by heavy bolter fire in all directions

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>>79393547

>Be Shas'ui Hai-Ya.
>Ethereal-free for an hour. Already killed maybe fifty some-odd Orks and Gue'La.
>Something feels wrong... can't put my finger on it.
>Don't even know someone's speaking to me until I stumble from Leeyung's backpat. Not even that hard, just didn't see it coming.
>She's speaking, smiling at me. I'm hearing words, but they're not matching up with her lips.
>"Kill them all. Kill them before they make you a slave again. Kill them all and rule."
>Suddenly see something. Daydream, vision, something like that.
>See myself, a Shas'o, but of horribly twisted troops. Realize I'm not in a battlesuit, I'm genuinely that huge in this whatever-it-is.
>Blink a little. Leeyung's starting to look worried.
>Maybe I don't mention this particular episode.
>Hand girlfriend over to the medics.
>Can't go with her, they find out, I'm getting shackled to another Ethereal.
>200% done with getting cucked, probably going to try and elope with her to Farsight after all's said and done.
>Heard they don't care for Ethereals either.
>We managed to salvage some Earth Drones.
>Just a river between us and the factories.
>Plan's to build a bridge and march over it.
>Probably gonna scrap part of the ship to do it.
>Decide to settle in with the battlesuit pilots. Pick up one of those pamphlets and give it a read.
>Gue'La handwriting is shit, legible only in the strictest sense of the word. Have to squint to read it.

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>Be me
>AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

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>IS IT ME?
>I THINK IT'S NIERRRFLKUCH'SAKLM SPEAKING HERE, OR NOT?
>HELLO?!
>WHY AM I SPEAKING IN CAPITAL LETTERS?!
>WE'RE ON A BOAT AND THE GANG'S HERE! STILL NOT SURE WHAT IS A BOAT... BOAT FLOATS RIGHT? WELL SO DOES WOOD? AND WITCHES?
>NOT SURE WHERE WE'RE HEADING?
>I THINK THEY KNOW...
>WAIT DO THEY KNOW THAT I DON'T KNOW? OR DO THEY KNOW THAT I AM SUPPOSE TO KNOW WHERE TO GO?!
>SEE SMOKE OF THE FACTORY AHEAD, DECIDE THIS IS WHERE WE WERE MEANT TO GO... WAIT I THINK IT WAS ALREADY THE CASE, NO?
>I AM HEARING SOMETHING! I CAN HEAR, RIGHT?
>ONE OGRYN IS SPEAKING TO THE COMMISSAR(?)
>HE'S TRYING TO HELP HIM MAKE SENSE!
>NOTHING MAKES SENSE!
>WHY DO THEY MAKE SENSE OF THINGS?
>COMMISSAR ONLY SAID "Help... meeeeeeurgh *vomit sounds*"
>HE VOMITED A DOUBLE RAINBOW! WHAT DOES IT MEAN???

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>>79393155
>>79394786
>>79390578
>Be Trish
>O’Malley says to fucking punch it
>Pedal to the metal
>Barrel directly at Steve but he jumps out of the way
>Come to think of it, Steve and his buddies probably had no way of knowing who was in the Taurox, it is pretty enclosed, may have been better just act normally
>On the other hand, Steve has no visible eyes, so who knows what he can and can’t sense
>Also I have no idea what insane corrupted.......things consider to be normal behaviour
>O’Malley is saying something about a grenade, but not really listening as I try to line up the Taurox so that it goes in between the first two large buildings on either side of the main road through the harbor town
>Then he says something about shooting him with a bolter if he gets too corrupted, which distracts me long enough that I end up grinding the Taurox hard against the buildings on one side of the road, and then overcompensating and grinding the Taurox hard against the buildings on the other side of the road
>Most of the corrupted guardsmen in town get out of my way, and some even cheer on my bad driving
>Still run over a few though, but no one seems to mind
>Four near collisions later, make it to the docks
>Jump out, reach back in to grab that laspistol that was sliding around on the floor the whole time, and run over to the single docked boat
>There is a guy standing on the dock near the gangplank
>He looks uncorrupted
>Good
>Wave my laspistol around and say “I am commandeering this vessel in the name of the Imperial Guard, bad shit is coming this way, so you better leave harbor unless you want to find out how many dicks fit in your mouth”
>Run up the gangplank without stopping to hear his response
>Hear O’Malley running after me
>Oh right, him
>That will be an interesting conversation

>>79395833
>>79390578

>Be O'Malley
>Voices getting worse.
>Trish drives the Taurox hard.
>Yank the pin, toss grenade out the window.
>Neat thing about Whitefire, the smoke's corrosive.
>Commit what in an alternate reality would be a warcrime.
>Grin a little as I hear Steve and his groupies scream in agony as we keep driving.
>Hear a couple voices in my head, one weirdly androgynous and one really fucking loud, praising me for what I just did.
>Shit, that robbed all the joy out of torching Steve.
>Shit, probably shouldn't have told Trish I'm starting to go, her driving goes straight to hell.
>We make it to the docks. Half the Taurox is shorn off but it still drives well enough.
>Find a ship captain.
>Somehow not corrupt.
>Thank the God-Emperor.
>Find some gauze, manage to cover up the spoke on my forehead.
>Still got the spoke on my shotgun-leg, but that doesn't seem to be giving anyone headaches, so it can wait.
>Got one hand on my bolt pistol at all times.
>Covering Trish's six while she commandeers.
>My flak is so torn up I probably look like a Renegade, so I decide to leave the talking to her.
>Klep senses tingling.
>Check the dock office.
>Some scrawny guy, probably used to be a menial, is hiding away in a corner, covered in Chaos brands.
>Apply the Emperor's Mercy to the poor bastard, he was half-dead already.
>Rifle through some of the drawers and cabinets.
>Find some documents.
>They're the incriminating kind.
>Transcribed communicaes between a bunch of Ecclesiarchy dick-hats.
>Four names I don't recognize on the paper, just looking at them is making the voices redouble.
>Take some redaction tape and slap it on.
>Easier to read, still plenty heretical enough to probably buy my life from the Inquisition, if they drop by.
>Suddenly hear rave music.
>Time to get the fuck outta here.
>Sprint back to Trish, tell her the noise fetishists are getting close.

>>79366652
Seems legit.

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>Be Captain Johnston
>Where the blazes is this harbourmaster?
>If he doesn't show up, I'm going to blow the horn until he does
>Lazy prat
>Walk off down the quay to look around
>Still haven't seen a soul
>Suddenly, the silence is broken by the screeching of tyres and a roaring engine
>Whoever that drunkard driving is should have their licence revoked
>She jumps out, waves a pistol around and announces he is commandeering my vessel
>Is she heck!
>What does this nine-arsed nitwit think she's doing with my ship?
>She's already off up the gangplank, presumably to threaten the helmsman
>Get back here, you peremptory pestiferous she-pirate!
>Someone else runs off to break into the harbourmaster's office
>If you find him, give him a beating from me
>Comes running back with some paperwork and yelling about noisy people
>What are you on about, son?
>They the ones doing the rave?
>Probably just wants some P&Q.
>What is presumably the mob making the noise rounds the corner onto the far end of the quay
>They don't look like you typical young ravers to me
>He starts yelling some more about how we need to go
>I understand your point, but we need to cast off first
>We have a few minutes before they make it to this end of the port
>Better start untying those ropes sharpish, eh lad?

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>>79387966
>>79394178
>>79395210
>Be Chad
>Be follower of “Angel of Happiness” or something like that
>Don’t really care
>Been getting all sorts of strange ever since the hot chicks with the claws took over
>Lots of drugs too
>Now we are on a boat, going to go raid a chocolate factory or something
>Whatever, lots of hot chicks on the boat so doesn’t matter where we are going
>Couple of ogyns are on the boat too, but they look like they have no idea what is going on
>Sometimes you got to roll with shit and not ask questions, like the Chadster does
>Ahhh Yeaaah!!
>The Comish is also on the boat
>Someone is sitting on his face again
>Now that is what I am talking about
>Ahhh Yeeeah!!!
>Also there is this weird ass giant raven thing sitting on the edge of the boat
>Talking to itself about stuff that doesn’t make any sense
>But it least it has tits
>Ahhh Yeeaah!!

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>>79396653

>Be O'Malley.
>Captain's pretty pissed.
>Understandable really.
>Ignore voice in head telling me to feed him his own balls.
>Druglords and ravers gettin' real close real fast.
>Don't have time to do a decent unknotting job.
>Give a quick apology to the Captain. He probably ain't gonna like my plan.
>Snap my bolt pistol up into firing position.
>Shoot at the anchor points to sever the ropes snappy.
>Honestly, not the best shot. But with a bolt pistol, don't need to direct-impact, just need to get close.
>Had to shoot at one twice, but the ship's starting to drift.
>Run over to the gangplank, help the captain on, and start making my way on board.
>Heart's racing a mile a minute.
>Someone throws a fucking dildo at me while I'm making my way up the gangplank.
>Fire a couple potshots into the crowd before rushing onto the deck.
>Make sure gauze is still on my tat.
>Tape's starting to come loose, but hasn't fallen off.
>Introduce myself after handing the captain his chrono back.
>PFC O'Malley, Drookian Fenguard.
>Also warn him I'm a klepto. Hands can't stay in my own pockets.
>Decide not to mention my Bolt Pistol is technically registered to a Commissar.
>A dead Commissar.
>Not Trent, though. Trent's only an asshole when he's off his meds.

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>Be me, former Dire Avenger Ashemela.
>Corsairing around, got exiled from my Craftworld for getting handsy with the Farseer.
>I am now known as "she who is thirsty" on Alaitoc.
>Hear about planet that has both Tau and Imperials on it right now.
>Big ol' chocolate world.
>Downside: Chaos is on the planet.
>Fuggit, I'm hungry and horny.
>Bring the ship in on stealth mode.
>Land in an alleyway in the factory district.
>Place may as well be a ghost town. Sensors don't pick up a solitary soul.
>Figure if anyone's still alive, they'll come here.
>Kick back and keep an eye on the sensors.
>Ship's still cloaked thanks to a stealth field generator I knicked off a webway gate.

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>>79395833
>>79396653
>>79396948
>Be Trish
>Pretty sure I don’t actually have the authority to commandeer something this big
>Munitorum usually has to compensate people for stuff like this, and they value my life about as much as they value the contents of a half-full ashtray someone poured beer into
>I also don’t look very guardsman-ish since I am still wearing my short sleeve medical orderly uniform with symbols painted on it in pink lipstick and glowsticks hanging everywhere
>Start heading to the part of the ship I assume is the helm
>Hopefully waving my laspistol around will do the trick
>If not, they will probably clue in when the crazies show up that now is a good time to leave
>Speaking of which, a mob of “Team Happiness Demon” shows up at the docks
>They got a big yacht on a big flatbed truck, stereos everywhere blasting rave music
>Also some weird giant bird thing is perched on top
>The flatbed truck drives right off the dock into the deep water
>Someone on board is apparently smart enough to cut the truck loose before it dragged the yacht down with it, because now the yacht is floating fine in the water
>See O’Malley and the bearded guy run up the gangplank
>What looks suspiciously like a dildo gets thrown by a member of the mob and bounces off O’Malley’s head
>Yell at some random ship crew dude to disembark faster before continuing to head towards the bridge
>Fuck, why is this taking so long?
>This boat better be able to outrun the yacht

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>Be Blood Raven chapter
>Kitchen and Reliquary is empty of gifted chocolate
>Oh no!
>What should we do?!
>One battle brother suggests we kindly ask if a nearby planet has a surplus of the exotic nectar
>Luck would have it we are just near the planet of Archipelagia
>Prepare for deep strike!

>>79390301
>Be me Guardsman Colin
>Having what could loosely be called a nightmare
>Feels like I've been here forever
>Cant see, except when I want to be blind
>Cant hear except when I want to be deaf
>Suddenly feel something new
>Heat
>Gentle warmth, like the planets sun before a hurricane
> Feel the heat fill my being, wilting away impurity
>Light seeps into my eyes
>mfw I see some horrible mutant standing over me
>nvm it's just Charles
>Throw him off my anyway, he was probably drawing dicks on me again
>Groggily scan my surroundings
>looks like a ship's cabin
>I'm thirsty

>>79368323
>01100010 01100101 00100000 01101101 01100101 00100000 01110011 01100101 01110010 01110110 01101111 00100000 01110011 01101011 01110101 01101100 01101100 00100000 01100111 01110010 01101001 01100111 01101111 01110010 01101001 00101101 00111000 00110010 00111000 00100000 01101001 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110110 01100101 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110100 01101001 01100011 01100101 01100100 00100000 01110011 01100101 01110010 01110110 01101001 01110100 01101111 01110010 00100000 01110000 01101000 01101001 00101101 00110010 00110001 01100010 00110110 00100000 01101100 01101111 01101111 01101011 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01101101 01100101 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01101100 01101111 01101110 01100111 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01100010 01110101 01110100 00100000 01101001 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110110 01100101 00100000 01101110 01101111 00100000 01100100 01100101 01110011 01101001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01101000 01101001 01101101

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>>79367577
>>79368076
>01101101 01101111 01110010 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110000 01101111 01101001 01101110 01110100 00100000 01101001 00100000 01100010 01100101 01101100 01101001 01100101 01110110 01100101 00100000 01101111 01101110 01100101 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110100 01110010 01101111 01101111 01110000 01110011 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110011 00100000 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 01110100 01101001 01100011 01100001 01101100 00100000 01110000 01101001 01100011 01110100 01110101 01110010 01100101 01110011 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100001 01100100 01100101 01110000 01110100 01110101 01110011 00100000 01110011 01101111 01110010 01101111 01110010 01101001 01110100 01100001 01110011 00100000 01101001 00100000 01110111 01101001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01100110 01101001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01101001 01101110 01100100 01101001 01110110 01101001 01100100 01110101 01100001 01101100 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110010 01100101 01110000 01101111 01110010 01110100 00100000 01101000 01101001 01101101 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01101001 01101110 01110001 01110101 01101001 01110011 01101001 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110

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>>79397955
>01000010 01100101 00100000 01101101 01100101 00101100 00100000 01110011 01100101 01110010 01110110 01101001 01110100 01101111 01110010
>01010100 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 01110011 00100000 01100001 00100000 01110011 01100101 01110010 01110110 01101111 00100000 01110011 01101011 01110101 01101100 01101100 00100000 01101100 01101111 01101111 01101011 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01101101 01100101 00101100 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110011 00100000 01100010 01100101 01100101 01101110 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01101000 01101111 01110101 01110010 01110011
>01001001 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01101011 00100000 01101000 01100101 01110011 00100000 01100111 01101111 01101110 01101110 01100001 00100000 01110010 01101111 01100010 00100000 01101101 01100101

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>Be me.
>Shas'la Sa'rah. Driver of the fastest frakking Piranha in the cadre.
>Some dumbass managed to crash the Manta while we were on it.
>Ethereal's dead. Felt the weird hormone thingy link die.
>Good. Dude was a creep and made me do things with him. If you're gonna order a chick to frakk you, at least be good at it ya know.
>Some people start sperging out about shooting people or ku'ng fu'ing their shit in.
>Fish people are raving about some Gue'la food. I mean, they make good shit, but there's better things in life. Like going really really fast.
>Get my copilot/gunner Shas'la Be'key. She's a tau exemplar of 'problem', very weird and kind of a bitch but she's my bitch ya know.
>Least she's not that that slut battlesuit pilot Shas'ui Jes'sica. Just because you have a rack that big, and get to wear a pilot's suit and shove it in every male's face doesn't mean you get to be such a know-it-all.
>You shouldn't be allowed to pull rank for being a bitch.
>Probably slept her way into that promotion too.
>Fucking bitch.
>I'mnotjealousfrackyoufrakkingfrak.tau
>Channel hatred of that bitch into shooting our way out of the hull because no Ethereal to say no. Also a bunch of others are leaving, and several are raving about blood and skulls and trying to shoot us.
>Can't shoot us if we're moving faster then you can see, loosers.
>Drive for a while, finally, through the wind and air. Be'key's whining about how unfair that it was that the ship crashed like that.
>That's just Bec'key though. Bec'key always whines. Remind her that it might have killed that water caste dude from 3rd level.
>Now she's happy it happened. Typical Bec'key
>See a camp with what looks like a rave going on. Bec'key pipes up and tells me to go down so she can get high on whatever drugs they have.
"Omg for frak's sake Bec'key. No, we're not doing that!"
>Bec'key starts whining again.
>Come to think of it, they look like a military group...

>>79399818
>Military group means drugs are probably combat stimm's.
>Humans have THE BEST, combat stimm's.
>Combat stimm's make you go faster.
>Meaning you can drive faster.
>Make a show of being convinced.
"Like, omg, fine Bec'key. Just don't get frakked up before you get back and stay away from creeps."
"Okay MOM."
>Again, Bec'key's a bitch, but she's my bitch.

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>be me
>Peace Keeper Nicholas of the Argo Brigade
>be just chilling on base on some world between deployments
>the planet isn't Argo
>so its not loyal
>so it doesn't matter what planet it is
>though, it isn't in out right rebellion, so there's that
>pacifying sedition is monotonous work
>me and some of the guys are enjoying the down time by relaxing and playing the brick game
>last round went my way so I might just being winning some thrones
>notice members of the local P.idar D.rochit F.ignya eyeballing us
>remember what we were told about the importance of fostering camaraderie with local forces vis a vis joint operations and legitimacy
>smile and nod at them
>a sort of pudgy looking one of them with a scowl begins to saunter over
>EmperorDamnIt.leaflet
>he starts going on about not caring what we're all doing here, that we're all taking too long, that the planetary governor should start over and rethink our presence here, this is his planet, respecting the PDF, gambling our thrones, and I think something about being on a quest
>I really don't care, but I have to endure all of this noise; for the brigade
>I just want to get back to having fun with the guys
>wish he was a heretic so I could crucify him and be done with it
>suddenly get a better idea
>interrupt him and say to the guys "Looks like we got another player!"
>they grab him as I get passed the hammer
>just as I swing the pain hits me
>someone, somehow, somewhere close is engaging in heresy
>look at the guys
>YouFeelItTooDon'tYou.holovid
>we walk away from the game and a group of dismayed PDF to prepare for COIN OPS

10 minutes reading thread
10 billion years looking for an adequate picture of guys vaguely reminiscent of Argo gaurd, and then russian profanity to spell PDF
10 hours not bothering to post
10 seconds typing post

this reminds me of the cold shoulder sector. good stuff.

>>79376093
Depends on the regiment. Cadia is said to have bars and brothels so I assume they get cash payments. There is also a semi universal currency called thrones but those might have been made up for the fantasy flight RPGs. The planet they came from is in charge of recruiting them so its down to their native culture. A system that has mentioned a few times is one where they sign up for the guard and are constantly at war until they die or retire. "retirement" usually means they get a small plot of land on a world that the Imperium claimed or reclaimed during their career.

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>Be mineself
>The Great Rogue Trader Rastar Populus
>I have finally found objects of important value for me.
>But to get to said objects I am in a dire need of cover.
>There was this small cargo and a yacht that both are on my radar.
>My friend, Akusa Kitkepala navigator does not like the yacht.
>In a sense it will be less confortable to travel but we could loot sorry save more tokens of this small world.
>And the fact that a ship like that is bland enough is good for my réputation as I will never be involved
>Technically
>Gather a small kill team made of my old and new guards all equiped with hellfire lasgun and carapace armor
>In case that profit does not show up or endangered.
>Mount my stormeagle, part of a "legacy" from an inquisitor for me.
>Mount with my twenty gards and fly to the port a few miles from here.
>Akusa was right: the yacht is full of degenarates.
>And they have demons!
>We have no time!
>I call the Hidden Business to tell him to be on guard and stand by, order them to collect fuel and prometheum for our next jump in time.
>The yacht seems to be pursuing the cargo.
>Well damn it all.
>Tell the pilot to land on the cargo, that everyone will follow on this vessel.
>I will make some proposition that the captain will not refuse.

>>79394203
pure insecurity

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>Be Captain Johnston
>Remind me to bill you for those ropes later
>If you want to earn your passage, you can start by tying down those lorries on deck
>Rather not lose them overboard in the storm
>Where's my damnable whisky?
>I need a drink
>Hmm, we appear to be being pursued by a yacht with the noisies aboard
>Full ahead! Don't let them catch us!
>The ship accelerates to a blistering 16 knots
>About 2kt of that is from the tailwind
>With the throttle at full, the old engine starts belching smoke and soot
>Rather a lot of smoke, in fact
>With the tailwind blowing it forward, everything slowly disappears in a thick cloud of oily black smoke
>Should any of you suffer from asthma, please die as quietly as possible
>I'll have to have the soot caking scrubbed off again later
>Navigating entirely by compass and radar in the smokescreen
>Over the roar and rattle of the engine there sounds like an approaching jetcraft
>Can't see what it is, and they probably can't see us either
>If you get clobbered by the ship, I am not responsible

>>79402837
bump
more please. I hope Dirk finds Gronk

>>79383813
A sort of Shimeji with a touch of vinegar is what comes to mind. But it would be somewhat chewy, like game meat. Probably already comes seasoned with gunpowder.

>>79384204
Which version? The 1971 movie`s Wonka is a legit madman which seems to appeal to Slaanesh because of the sweets, but it is all illusions and secret plans and rainbows and games worthy of Tzeentch.

>Welcome to the Warp boat ride!
https://youtu.be/o7lilfpZNGc

>>79376093
Yeah, though most of them just have the money sent to their family. If you survive 20 years you get given a farm like the romans did, which if you combine with 20 years of back pay is a pretty nice reward

I had a character recently be a former guardsmen who got all that, but he joined the arbites after getting bored shovelling grox shit and farming Brassicas. He joined up with the inquisitor after the inquisitor mentioned it'd be extremely easy to get him and his wife some Rejuvenat treatments because he's approaching 40 and starting to feel it

>>79403703
Agree and bump

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>>79399974
>>79399974
>be me
>seasoned PDF veteran Kevin
>doing the rounds on base keeping his holy Imperium secure
>notice a bit of a commotion in the distance
>ObserveAndReport.fieldmanual
>some of the Imperial Guard waylaid here are doing... something with bricks
>they're being a little too rowdy for the decorum of a military base
>also a few of the rookie PDF are standing around watching when they should be doing their holy duty for the sake of all mankind
>on top of that they seem to be gambling with their thrones
>while gambling isn't against regs I personally find it to be skirting the spirit of conduct becoming of a stalwart defender of humanity
>consider approaching them... but they are guard... and they are huge... and by the Emperor what are they doing to each other?!
>then one of them who seemed to be wary of my presence locks eyes with me and acknowledges my authority
>well that settles it, it is my responsibility as the senior officer here to set these boys straight
>put on my tough face and begin to march over to the guard that acknowledged me
>see that my commanding presence has an immediate effect on him as his smile winces in the face of the coming storm
>begin to dress down the guardsmen
>start by establishing my authority
>the remind them of their duty and chastise them for what they are doing with his currency
>FirmButFair.vox
>things are going well
>I can tell from the look on the guardsman's face he is squirming hoping I don't bring this incident up the chain of command
>his buddies are also speechless hanging on my every word and staying still as statues hoping I won't unleash the fury on them
>hear some of the rookies behind me sigh and walk off as they head my words and remember their duty to their Emperor and Imperium
>Just as I am waxing about the quest of every fellow defender of man the guardsman in front of me begins to smile
>He interrupts me and says "Looks like we got another player!"

>>79408735
>what?
>all of the guard start smiling and laughing and two of them grab me by the arms and legs
>Huh? Stop!
>They surround me and stack bricks on my chest
>why? Seriously!
>the guardsman I singled out stares down at me with a maniacal grin
>What's going on?!
>he is handed a hammer
>OHSHITOFFRAKOH-SIXTY GANGERS!
>he swings
>close my eyes and tense up
>hear a sickening crack and feel the impact on my chest as all the air is forced out of my lungs
>then silence
>I'm dead
>panic subsides as I realize I'm hyperventilating
>I would surely be dead if I wasn't wearing my carapace plate under my uniform
>open my eyes and look up at the guardsmen
>they all have this stern expression and look away from me and to each other
>they suddenly drop me and turn and march toward the barracks
>I get sort of caught up in the crowd
>realize I just went through hazing
>realize they must respect my natural leadership skills
>realize they are taking me on a mission
>We're in the big leagues now

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>>79397903
>Still me Guardsman Colin
>Just woke up from my nap
>Breathing good but the cabins a bit dark
>Navigate to the deck
>Deepbreath.mp4
>Look at the sky
>Can swear I see face in the sun
>It's just out of reach, close my eyes before I can see it clearly
>Need to find somebody besides Charles to talk to

I think OP left the thread, someone should take over no?

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>>79394178
>>79395210
>>79396760

>Be Dirk
>Someone sat on Commissar's face
>About to tell colorful lady that Commissar isn't a chair or box, when someone grabs my shoulder and pulls me away
>It's one of the ogryns
>"DIRK! WE TRY SAYING 'BLOOD FOR BLOOD ANGEL', BUT OTHER GUYS SAY THAT BIRD SAY SHOUT 'JUST PLANNED'! TOO MANY WORDS! WHAT WE SAY!?"
>Bird?
>Look over to edge of boat and see big bird guy
>Colorful, but not loud, and the colors are confusing instead of hurty
>Turn back to ogryn, remembering his question
>"SAY 'FOR DA EMPRAH', DUMB HEAD! WHERE GRONK?"
>The ogryn who grabbed me looks as if he's trying to do the unthinkable: think
>"'FOR DA EMPRAH'? OKAY! DON'T KNOW WHERE GRONK IS. PEOPLE SAY BIRD SMART. MAYBE BIRD KNOW"
>Look at the bird thing again
>I don't want to talk to it, but it looks like that's my only clue
>Also feel like I forgot to do something
>Go to weird bird and overhear the loud color people say something about a nice chair
>I wish I had a chair
>Bird seems to be talking to everyone, itself, or something else entirely
>Try to get his attention
>"HELLO? MISTER BIRD? YOU KNOW WHERE GRONK IS?"
>Bird says a lot of words that I don't understand, but do hear him say something about Gronk being at a "Blood Shed" or something
>I don't see a shed on this boat
>Maybe we'll find the "Blood Shed" when this boat gets to land again
>I should go find the Commissar and ask
>Turninggears.vox
>I FORGOT THE LOUD COLOR PEOPLE WERE SITTING ON THE COMMISSAR

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>HELLO?!
>I WANT TO SPEAK TO NIERRRFLKUCH'SAKLM, CAN SOMEONE FIND ME?
>I THINK I WAS ON A BOAT, WHATEVER THAT IS... OR IS IT?
>ARE WE THERE YET? I SEE THE FACTORIES, BUT I SEE SPACESHIPS TOO
>DO SPACESHIPS AFFECT THE RELATIVITY OF SPACE, THEREFORE INCREASING THE JOURNEY TO DESTINATION?
>OGRYN IS TALKING TO ME, HOW DO THEY TALK? THEY ONLY HAVE ONE HEAD, AND SO DO I!
>ASKING ME WHERE "GRONK" IS
>Y̴̧̤̬͕͊̿̓͝ö̵̢̧̡̝͇̦͓̯̪͙̻̞̪́̔̈́͑͗̓̍͝͝u̷̻͇͕̟͙͙̬̇̓r̸̫͎͛ ̸̫̹̦͉̤̞̟̞̳̼̯̎̉͆̽̾̓͆͑͋͝f̸̧̧̯̹͎̰̤͖̈̀͒̄́͗̄́̇͝ͅr̴̠̰̒̈́̀̏͋̆̊̎į̴̙͍̤̹̦̥́̌̒̓̔́̄̔̈̈̄́̈̕̕ë̸̡̧̧͍͕͙̦̣̖͎̻́̾͂͑n̸̳̾͗̂̏̉̓̎̋̊̽͝d̴̳͕̗̺͔̹̦̆̒͋̐̓͘͝ͅ ̸̼̄̾̽̈̑̏͑͐́̓ĭ̴̟̰̼͔̮̝͔̍͋͊̉̽̀̃͑s̸̡̈́͒̋̿̾̍̃̔͒̒͗͘̕̚͜ ̸̛̛͎͍͍͚͇͚̱̹̝̹̞̟̆̓̾͛̎̾̾̃̑̽̈́͘̕͜ͅd̸̛̦̮͙̭̼̙̞͑̀͆̾͋͋̀̀̈́̓̈́͆̕͜o̸̝̣͍̭̪͔͚̤̙͊̒̊̀̉̎̇͑̃̚͜o̵̢̩̩̥̖͕̼͕͚̬̗̩͒̊̐̇̇m̴̛̜͇͈̳͉̟̦͕̾̆̓̓͛̾̄̋̓̔̀̓͠e̶̜̯͇̫̰̜̪̗̤͙̭̫͇͈̿̿̄̈͐͗͛͊̾̂̈̉d̸̨̨͖̘̖̤̤͔͋ ̷̢̣̭̤̞̗͔̠̟̰͉͇͂̓͘ć̵̨̧̨̫̦͕̜̯̬̩͍͎͉̘͌͠h̷̨̡̯͈̭̝̭̼̫̬̦̪̄̒̊̒̂ǐ̷̗̘̗̟̣̈́́͊̾ļ̴̛̛͉̼̻̭͖̜͆̋̐͊́͑̀̾͌̈́̔͛̚d̸̢̛̬̜̖̬̖̻̦͇͕̯͖̗̘͑̒̏͗͝͝
>YOU WILL FIND HIM AT THE BLOODSHED!

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>>79397296
>>79402837
>Be Trish
>The boat is moving along at a pretty good pace
>It is producing lots of smoke though, reminds me of my old job at the corpse starch factory
>End up talking to the Captain about where we are going
>Hope he forgets the part where I said I was commandeering the boat, since I really can’t back that up
>Nearest town is a place called Wonka Land, where local ratlings are used as slave labor to make chocolate under conditions that are rumored to be inhumane even by Imperial standards
>In fact there is all sorts of rumors about that place
>But the town is big enough that we can probably lie low for a bit and assess how far the corruption has spread
>According to the documents O’Malley found, the corruption clearly isn’t limited to just the components of the regiment that were operating out of Camp Xenos Purge
>It is tempting to try to radio for help, but if the corruption has spread far enough, they can just send some PDF aircraft to sink us
>Come to think of it, fleeing on a boat was a pretty bad idea, though lying low in ork infested jungle was probably just as bad, best to get ashore as soon as possible, and Wonka Land is the closest harbor
>With all the smoke everywhere, it is hard to tell whether the “Party Yacht” is following us
>I know Commissar was talking about raiding a town with a chocolate factory, hopefully this isn’t the same one, given that literally every town on this shithole planet probably has at least one small chocolate factory
>All in all I am very proud of my strategic thinking
>Why yes, I am sometimes considered a genius, how can you tell?

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>>79411255
>>79412744
>Be Chad
>Yarr har Fiddle Dee Dee
>We are pirates now
>We are off to raid some port town for women, treasure, and chocolate
>Ahh Yeeaahh!!
>The floor of the Party Yacht is moving kind of weird
>Realize it is because we are now in water, while before we were on land somehow
>Can boats drive?
>Whatever
>Chilling in the one of the hot tubs on the upper deck
>Trying to remember if there is anyone on this boat I haven’t tapped at least once since this all began
>Maybe that giant bird thing with tits?
>It is currently talking to one of the ogryns, but then it suddenly transforms into some other bird thing that is less hot, causing two bystanders to get burned to death with rainbow colored fire in the process
>Maybe later...if it turns back into something hot again
>Two armored chicks with blue skin land on one of the helipads in some sort of flying vehicle, and come over and ask for drugs
>Ahh Yeeaaahhh!!!!

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>>79397141
>she who is thirsty

bump

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>Be Lucius, your friendly Imperial Guard vox operator
>Actually I used to be, now I'm muscle for a rogue trader
>It's a nice and cozy move up if you ask me
>Get re-equiped with sweet first grade gears, I even heard I'll get paid
>Hear the other guys saying stuff like "Sweet a pay raise"
>Wich is implying they get money since day one
>What's up with that?
>Go to armory and start to chat a bit with other guys while changing
>I heard rumors we're remplacing a team that suffered attrition and captures to a sex crased eldar corsair
>May the emperor save them from death by intense love making and inappropriate hand holding
>I've talked with other guys that were at base too
>They said everyone were playing with literal shit, having orgies and engaging in shameless cannibalism while we where running out of ammo and geting butchered by the damned orks
>This news does not digest well in me, the more I think it over
>Get a bit annoyed
>Then a bit mad
>Then a lot mad
>Then angry
>Then very angry
>Then planet shatering exterminatus angry
>Move past anger to a state of unstopable murderous intent that sharpens the sense and reflex tenfolds
>TheywilldieTheywilldieTheywilldieTheywilldie
>Sweating profusely, drooling like an animal I start to breathe heavily
>TheymustdieTheymustdieTheymustdieTheymustdie
>New boss says it's time for business
>I load in the transport like an ammunition in the magazine of an autogun
>For the Emperor, For the Golden Thrown, For the Abandonned Guards
>It's time for business

>Be O'Malley.
>Trying to keep busy.
>Trying to pay attention to literally anything but the voices in my head.
>Yeah, I'm fucked.
>Can't die yet though, gotta make sure Trish gets a way off planet.
>Voices stop.
>I do not find this comforting.
>Suddenly get shoved on the floor.
>Scramble to try and find what did it.
>"Fuck, they stuck my ass in your head?!"
>Voice is angry, halfway demonic.
>Fuck my life.
>"Get the fuck up!"
>Suddenly see something that looks mostly human.
>Unholy glow behind its shades, skin is an angry red, and it has horns that lead up to a flaming halo.
>Am I possessed now?
>Try and scramble away. Daemon disappears, gut's telling me to watch my left.
>Get fucking haymakered anyways, Daemon pushes me up to my feet and slams me against the wall.
>"You wanna die? Do it like a man, put some iron in your mouth and pull the trigger!"
>Kick it in the stomach.
>With my shotgun leg.
>Safety's off.
>Daemon disappears, there's a shotgun hole.
>That felt way too damn real.
>My bolt pistol is on the other side of the room...
>... but I'm too scared to try and get it.

>>79399818


>Be Shas'ui Hai-Ya.
>Halfway across the freshly constructed bridge.
>Bec'key and Sa'rah went flying off in the opposite direction.
>Good, average intelligence quotient of the unit just skyrocketed.
>Do a double take.
>By the Tau'va that was a dickish thought.
>... Not wrong, though.
>Is there something wrong with me?
>I should see a doctor... but at the same time, don't want to end up mindslaved again.
>I'm confused, and worried, and angry.
>Fuck it, just focus on marching for now.
>Don't notice the paint on my shoulderpad is starting to crack and peel off...
>itbegins.jpg

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>Be Ashemela again.
>My favorite harem member in my lap.
>She's an absolute cinnamon roll.
>Poor girl got it hard in Commoragh before I bought her.
>So damaged she thinks she's Repentias.
>Reading her an old Aeldari lullaby.
>Spot a blip on my radar.
>This better be a hot chick, or I'm gonna be very cross.
>Fuck, it's a "party boat" with Chaos on it.
>Bundle up my favorite not-Repentias.
>She stammers out "I-I hope you have a wonderful day."
>Nosebleed.gif.
>Wipe my nose, go grab my gear.
>Shuriken Catapults: Solving 800 to 900 problems a minute.
>Step out of my voidship with a pair of magnoculars.

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>Be me
>Be Willy Wonka the 316th
>My family can trace its roots back to old Terra
>Now insanely rich
>Secretly own large chunks of the sector through a series of intermediaries
>But prefer to focus on the family business of making candy and luring people into dying painfully in ways that vaguely resemble poetic justice
>Sent out a new batch of golden tickets two days ago, offering free tours and a life supply of chocolate (and also a million bills of high denomination local currency)
>Now the first contestants are already arriving at my private island Wonka Land, which serves as a factory, giant slave plantation, and also massive deathtrap
>Everyone is staying at my hotel/casino Wonka Tower while we wait for the rest of the contestants to arrive
>Already killed off one contestant with the malfunctioning fellatio machine, another who went skinny dipping in what turned out to be a pool full of piranhas, and a third tried to sell me his daughter to cover the gambling debts he was wracking up at the casino, but actually signed forms giving me the rights to all his vital organs (and also his daughter)
>The Heads of the Operations, Militia, Private security, and Aerial monitoring (OMPA) and Lyric development, slave Oversight, Murder coverup, Predatory recruitment, and Arson (LOMPA) Divisions show up
>Like most OMPA LOMPAs, their height has been stunted by surgery and hormones, yet they are morbidly obese and have the distinct orange skin of someone who has gotten diabetes from eating excessive amounts of cocaine laced chocolate
>They tell me some smoke covered ship is arriving in the harbor
>Hmmm, the next passenger ferry and cargo ship isn’t expected for a few days
>Could be a wealthy contestant arriving on their own ship

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>be me, jokaero aboard the Hidden Opportunity
>was convinced to make digital weapons for the rogue trader of this ship
>i will make something better, something greater
>i will make something grander
>i get to work
>i made a device that takes the user's mature ovaries of a flowering plant that is edible
>when the user wishes it, the device will remove the mature ovaries' outer casing as well as the contents that will grow into another botanical entity until only the sweet fleshy substance is left
>the device will then mix, crush, purée or emulsify the remaining fleshy insides creating a concoction that will satisfy the user's craving for refreshment
>go to sleep for my work is done
>i made pic related

>>79418752
>Or could be ork freebootaz, those drug lords I ripped off, that Chaos cult I have been bankrolling, one of my clone brothers fighting over the family fortune, any number of Imperial authorities, or anyone else seeking revenge, justice, or just trying to steal my wealth
>Order the OMPA LOMPAs to code yellow
>All combat worthy personnel will be armed but put on standby, same with the murder servitors, anti-air defences, automated limpet mines, large scale deathtraps, and assorted heretical gismos
>We will see what these newcomers want, but will be prepared...

>>79418752
>>79418797
On a scale of fine to FUCK OFF FAGGOT, how okay are you with a massive Rok crashing straight down on your factory anon?

>>79374058
Rest in peace Ogryn buddy

This thread is fucking great. Why aren't there more of these on /tg/?

>>79419460
/qst/ exists and neckberdia would likely ruin the fun.

>>79419460
The last great one was two years ago: the battle for Damnatum Lutum. It was so long that neckbeardia could not cover it all that and the fact that he is a krieg faggot.

>>79419628
>>79419867
Don't know who neckbeardia is, but he sounds like a supreme faggot.

>>79419905
He's a guy that copies threads and puts me on YouTube. Dudes still a faggot for not linking the threads

>>79420265
*them

>>79419905

his minis are ugly and kinda overpriced for their quality.

>be me, genestealer on a rogue trader's ship
>recently had an obsession with pants
>look weird so i cannot interact with the other workers
>resorts to stealing pants
>am now jeanstealer

>>79418752
Hahahahah amazing OP please keep going

bump for this emperor-forsaken planet

>>79418920
It is fine assuming a large chunk of the factory is still standing

I will write more tonight, but other people should feel free to come up with whatever Willy Wonka related interactions they can think of

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bump

>>79399818
>Be me again. Shas'la Sa'rah.
>Currently high off my tits on what's maybe slightly possibly an potential overndose of gue'la cnombat stimms.
>Everything's really bright and somehow everything's faster and slower at the same time.
>Can't tell if I'm flying through a massive storm of bullets and blaster fire, or if it's just wind and I'm on too much stuff.
>Shit's colourful as frakk. Pretty sure I can smell sound and hear voices or some shit.
>Right, probably just Bec'key again.
>Bec'key's in the back, cradling an ammo box containing a hunter cadre's worth of drugs in it, and giggling to herself, mumbling something more slurred then gue'la legal ethics, every so often.
>IsweartofrakkBec'keyyourarmourbetterstillbeonwhenIturnaround.aun
>Nah it's fine though. Because every time Bec'key moves herself around, fidgety bitch she is, she inevitably wipes her helmet over her console, letting off four pulse carbines and a burst cannon, entirely in random directions in entirely inpredictable moments.
>No idea if the targeting software's picked up on anyone, or if anyone's around to get hit by several bolts of plasma.
>Don't really care. I'm in a piranha, stimm'd off my tits, zooming around at the speed of sound.
>Kinda wanna shoot something anyway.
>Just for the love of T'au could Bec'key stop her giggling for five minutes.

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>be Peace Keeper Nicholas
>just put the game on hold and suited up
>then sure enough me and the guys are told we have an assignment
>NotEvenAPsyker.poster
>being sent on LRRP to gauge the local loyalty level and report enemy movement if encountered
>planet has an Ork problem
>not our problem
>plan to air drop into mostly secure territory followed by mechanized recon
>standard load-out with special weapons including chem-throwers and Anti armour capability
>also bringing up-armoured Ogryn with flechette ammunition
>Seems like the whole point is to take the Ogryn on a walk to get them some field experience
>not keen on this since they are essentially stupid Imperator Jugend, just bigger with higher capability for destruction
>wish they were at least veterans so it would feel less like herding cats
>that is to say giant dim witted cats with the incessant questions
>advised they could be afraid in flight so they will be loaded into APCs for the duration of the flight
>advised they could be afraid of the dark so the APCs must have the lights on or at least have active glow sticks
>advised they could be claustrophobic and could eat the glow sticks, so some personnel are required to be in the APCs with them
>find out we are using PDF APCs so the Brigade can be ready to go off world even if some are lost
>find out said APCs are yellow
>it all makes sense now
>notice pudgy figure filing in to embark
>its the PDF from before
>mfw
>wish I was a heretic so I could crucify me and be done with it

>be me, Nebemes
>Cryptek of the Kayra Dynasty
>slumbering in my tomb on a paradise world
>my personal chambers are near the top of our tomb, as a sign of my status
>41m
>awaken to the sound of our upstairs neighbors throwing a party
>C'tanDamnit.heiroglyph
>Grab my Staff of Light
>Smack the cieling with the butt of it a few times
>"Turn it down or I'll come up there and kick your ass!"
>A few minutes later the rave dies down a bit
>grumble for a bit about how "War in Heaven vets don't get no respect from damn mortals anymore"
>go back to sleep

>Be mineself
>The Great Rogue Trader Rastar Populus
>There is suddenly a great black cloud.
>If you tell me that it emanes from the cargo I would believe it.
>Anyway the pilot cant see more than five feet.
>I began to fear that we are going to
>CRASH!
>Great we hit the command Deck of the cargo.
>Tell the pilot to press the horn and insult the cargo driver, for the traditions.
>It's important traditions.
>Like promising a captain of a ship repairs if he takes us to the Wonka's Headquarters.
>Willy is a very old acquaintance.
>Might not recognize me.
>But still could help "save" "culture" of this world.
>A radio message from the Hidden Opportunity tells me that the jokaero went on making tech again
>Whynot.itsalwaysuseful.
>What bothers me is the yacht. And that big noise from a few seconds ago.
>Sounded otherwordly.
>Pretty sure that it's nothing to be worried of.

bump

>>79419628
>>79419867
>>79419905
>>79420265
Just get creative and write a jab into post necessary to the story.