m frowning rn

>>72325114
THIS WEEK!

>>72325147
So which one has the V8888?

>>72325210
"On the show
James makes an ork fall asleep by talking
Hammond gets stuck in a chimera
And I drive a grav tank across a crouded hive street"

TONIGHT

>Stig is just Khan with a white helmet

>>72325114
On the show
James eats a thing...
>shot of James May test-eating a fungus cigar
Hammond eats a thing...
>shot of Clarkson, driving past in a Leman Russ, shouting "EAT IT HAMMOND" at Hammond, who's sulking in front of a burning Chimera
And I do NOT eat a thing!
>Shot of Clarkson with a DKoK gas mask pulled up on his forehead staring, disgusted, at an unwrapped corpse starch ration with a large bite mark on

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I went into the webway, and I found this.

>>72325147
For me, it's the Catachan special where they had to ride their own Tauasakis.

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>>72325114
And on that bombshell, it's time to end.

>>72325114
>James May is an Eldar
>Clarkson is an Ork
>Hammond is a Tau

>>72328123
>James May is an OCD-riddled ex-Commisar.
>Clarkson is an undersized Ogryn with a B.O.N.E. implant.
>Hammond is a Ratling.

>>72325114
This is, the only half decent 'how would X fare in 40k?' thread in the world.

>>72328171
May cant be a commisar, clarkson would be dead if he was

>>72328327
Alright, make him a particularly slow-driving Guardsman.

>>72328327
It's their 3rd clarklson. also ogryns can shrug off a blam from most pistols.

>>72325114
Are they going from Ultramar to Terra?

>>72325114
James does the reasonable thing and gets on a ship going there, normal imperial transport.
Hammond sneaks on a black ship and tries to use that pretending to be a worker there.
Clarkson hires some orks to take him there.

>Getting run out of Sicarus by angry locals for driving through the planet with pro-Imperial slogans painted on their Baneblade
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKcJ-0bAHB4

>Hammond's Taurox he bought second-hand from a Catachan milsurp dealer breaks down right as Dark Eldar begin raiding the planet he's on, but he survives by hiding in the glove compartment the whole time
>Eighteen hours after begining his sensibly planned, straightforward journey to Terra, May is now looking at a map inside the Black Library
>Clarkson's haphazardly modified Land Raider was last spotted outside an imperial ship travelling through the warp

>>72328770
>but he survives by hiding in the glove compartment the whole time
lel

>>72327954
Who's fault was it this time?

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>Well, it's a Land Raider Crusader with an Adaptable Thermic Combustion Reactor. So what do you think it's gonna be like.
>It is fantastic. It's wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.
>What it makes me feel tho it's sad.
>I just can't help thinking that thanks to all sort of things: the Fornite kids, the ADHD tacticool Halo fans, the 'problematic' of the Imperium, the relentless war on grimdark, tanks like this will soon consigned to the Warhammer Legends pdfs.
>I just have this horrible dreadful feeling that what I'm purging with here, is an ending
>Good night

>>72329697
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLa3BMvKeEk definitely Clarkson

>>72325114
James May shows up with a sensible surplus unarmed Chimera. It's boring, it's painted olive drab, it's got a fussy machine spirit, and 40,000,000 miles on the odometer and he only paid 10 grand for it, leaving him with 10 grand to mount a nice lascannon on it later when the show's Commissars present them with a challenge.

Richard Hammond has gone with the vehicle he ogled in his youth, an original Dark Age Land Raider Proteus (the stubby short one). The machine spirit in it is absolutely wretched, it's missing a number of important features like the smoke launchers, the searchlight, and pintle-mounted storm bolter, and the assault ramp is completely fucked, BUT it DOES have a working multi-melta on the hull. He paid 18 grand for it leaving him 2 grand to try to bodge together some headlights for it by welding some imperial guard lasguns to it

Jeremy Clarkson has been ambitious and dropped the whole 20 grand on what he was assured was a recently-refurbished Shadowsword Baneblade. It has sponson-mounted twin-linked Heavy Bolters, which don't work, two targeting sensors, which don't work, a pintle-mounted heavy stubber, which doesn't work, a spotlight, which doesn't work, a minesweeper, which doesn't work, an upgraded comms system, which doesn't work, and smoke launchers, which DO work but he hasn't got any smoke grenades for them. As a result of these niggling little minor deficiencies, he paid only 22 grand for it -- a little over, but these things are in demand, and besides he's been assured that the Volcano Cannon works.

>>72330344
>It has sponson-mounted twin-linked Heavy Bolters, which don't work, two targeting sensors, which don't work, a pintle-mounted heavy stubber, which doesn't work, a spotlight, which doesn't work, a minesweeper, which doesn't work, an upgraded comms system, which doesn't work, and smoke launchers, which DO work but he hasn't got any smoke grenades for them. As a result of these niggling little minor deficiencies, he paid only 22 grand for it -- a little over, but these things are in demand, and besides he's been assured that the Volcano Cannon works.
10/10

Whats the punishment car?

>>72330370
Something made by the Tau or eldar

>>72330441
Id say its the Taurox, which they would hate as being nuhammer trash with too many tracks or something

>>72330456
Nah, the lads would be all over a taurox. They love that kind of machine

>>72330530
Maybe, but you have to remember theyre the equivalent of car-grogs, so theyd at least hate it in the spirit of the challenge

Itd be like in that brittish leyland challenge where the car was a superior European hot-hatch

>>72330552
Or it's a modified taurox. Maybe the treads replaced with a hover engine.

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>well you know, the thing with eldar grav tank owners is that they are not very 'trustworthy', but you can't reall blame them on their ineluctable betrayal because they fly a FAAALC
>Yeah they can get away with anything time after time: Yes monkeigh I diverted a hivefleet into your schola progenium planet, in my FAAALC.

>>72330370

>what's the punishment vehicle

Mk.I Land Speeder, which Clarkson can't even fit his legs in, and they have to share the cockpit with the Stig listening to binharic chant at full volume.

>>72330586
10/10

>>72330370
Punishment car is obviously a Rhino because it's just a fucking METAL BAWKS and yes it's reliable and useful and yes the Imperium has billions of them (like the Botswana VW Beetle) but god it's so ugly and so boring and why wouldn't you at least get a fucking Razorback instead it's at least a little INTERESTING.

The Show's Commissars present the cast with a series of challenges:
> Who can transport the most Terminators
(May & James laugh at Clarkson for not having bought a transport, but then he wins by cheating and just welding the Termies to the hull, of which there is plenty)
> Pull in at a small town called Gorkamorkaville and drag-race against a Battlewagon which has been painted *RED*
(They laugh at the silly Orks but then are palefaced when the Battlewagon wrecks their faces).
> Participate in the Liberation of planet Volistad
(They accidentally blow up a part of the Imperial shrine, but we do get really nice shots of a Titan stomping out of the factory when the actual army gets it out)
> Imperial Amasec Challenge. A crate of amasec is mounted above the driver's seat and they must drive over Dangerous Terrain. Whoever arrives with the least amasec spilled all over them wins.
(Clarkson almost has it but then accidentally drives off the Dangerous Terrain and into a shell-crater.)

>>72330344
I read that last paragraph in his voice holy shit. 10 outta 10.

>>72330786
Probably because he says the same thing about his Rover SD-1 in the British Leyland cars episode:
https://youtu.be/zeSEoT22gI8?t=50

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>>72325114

>>72331201
Based

>>72330344
Kek

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>>72327321

Boy, this ended up being a lot longer than I thought it would be.

SCENE: THE STUDIO, CROWDS STAND AMONG WRECKED VEHICLES
CLARKSON NARRATES:
>Tonight, on Top Gear.....
>I fall in a hole!
Clip of Jeremy Clarkson stumbling backwards into a shell hole
>May makes a friend!
Candid, zoomed-in shot of James May and an Eldar agreeing the olden days were better
>And Hammond says hi to a Space Marine!
Clip of Richard Hammond looking up at a huge Astartes and nervously saying "hi"
>And welcome to the ROAD TRIP SPECIAL!

SCENE: DESRTED CAR PARK IN HILLS OF ULTRAMAR. LIGHT RAIN.
MAY ARRIVES IN A CHIMERA
MAY NARRATES:
>I was the first to arrive, in a Chimera Armoured Transport. This amazing machine is great all round, it's dependable, and it's the best friend of every lucky infantryman. And it only cost me fourteen thousand pounds, which leaves me with six thousand to play with. The autocannon is a bit unusual and it's got a few issues with it and apparently the tracks and bearings "need some work" but other than that I've been assured it's in mint condition. Oh, perfect timing, the gorilla's here.
CLARKSON ARRIVES IN A VERY SUSPICIOUS LOOKING LAND RAIDER
>C: BEHOLD! The Land Raider! It's got SPEED and POWER for days, unlike that wimpy thing you're in. It could eat that for BREAKFAST!
MAY PICKS AT PAINT
>M: Is that an an Ork marking under there?
>C: Indeed it is! This thing got looted on Panaris III a few years back and recently got found after some raids. We saved it from the scrapheap because apparently there's a few Orks that DO know their stuff! Cut that out.
CLARKSON OPENS ENGINE COMPARTMENT
>M: What the blazes is that?
>C: That, James, is a V64 engine. You normally find these monsters on ships, but somehow they managed to get it into this thing! About half of the entire vehicle is taken up by engine, and hoo boy does it have POWER! These smart xenos also fit it with a pait of giant shootas and kinds of goodies.
>M: Do they work?
>C: The shootas? .....No.

>>72335057
>M: Has the engine got a laundry list of mechanical issues?
>C: .....Yes
>M: Has this blatant tech-heresy been approved by the Mechanicus?
>C: .....No, but we've got a few bits of archaeotech in the back to bribe any nosy techpriests with. Cut that bit out. Aaaaanyway, yours. Could you have picked a more boring vehicle?
>M: Yes I could, and I could also have picked a more ridiculous one. Look at yours! How much did that monstrosity cost?
>C: .....Twenty-three thousand
>M: You mean you spent three thousand of YOUR OWN MONEY to buy that duff old thing that'll probably either blow itself up or get us all shot?
>C: .....Yes. Oh, and the driver's seat is bare metal too.
CLARKSON POKES AT CHIMERA
>C: Didn't you say it needed some track work? These things are more rust than metal. You try and go more than walking pace, and they're going to fall off faster than a drunk Hammond on a rodeo grox. Does the cannon work?
>M: UNLIKE YOURS, it does!
MAY APPEARS SEVERAL SECONDS LATER AT THE HATCH
>M: Behold, the power of the BRRRRRT!
CANNON FIRES ABOUT A DOZEN SHOTS
>C: Is that it?
>M: Any more and it overheats horribly and the ammunition starts to cook off
>C: Bloody hell Hammond, and you say MINE is a death trap?
>M: Because it is! And how the blazes are you going to fuel that massive engine of yours?
CLARKSON NARRATES:
>Fortunately, his probing was interrupted by the arrival of a very strange vehicle
>C: He didn't.....
>M: He did.

>>72335064
HAMMOND FLIES THROUGH THE GATE IN A LAND SPEEDER, FAILS TO SLOW DOWN FULLY AND SCRAPES MAY'S VEHICLE
>M: YOU PILLOCK!
>C: We haven't even got going yet, an you're already crashing your bloody vehicle!
HAMMOND PULLS UP, NOW IN CONTROL
>H: Haha! Bet you ain't seen one of these before! This, ladies, is a beauty of a Land Speeder. It will leave you in the dust and, since I'm not allowed to use a helicopter, I settled for bending the vehicle rules a bit.
>M: Now you're done crashing into me, can you explain your ridiculous choice?
>C (WHISPER TO M): is that allowed?
>M (WHISPER TO C): Unfortunately, I think it is.
>H: What are you two talking about? Does this magnificent machine not faze you?
>C: Hammond, Hammond, Hammond. You are in a Land Speeder. Where the hell did you get this for twenty grand?
HAMMOND JUMPS DOWN
>H: Nineteen actually, and I couldn't believe it when I saw it. I think the reason that Rogue Trader was selling it so cheap was the SLIGHT Chaotic corruption. It seems OK, even if the Machine Spirit screams at me most of the time. Actually, it's kinda annoying. It was also kinda hot property, since she didn't want the warband on her. We also had to remove the weaponry for safety reasons. Uh, cut that bit out. Anyway, speaking of machine spirits, how's yours in that abomination?
>C: Mine? It's got rather an inclination to charge at the nearest enemy. I had to beat the cogitator into submission with a hammer before it would acknowledge me as da boss. I keep it on hand whenever it gets uppity.
>M: I'd quite like to have a look at yours. Do you think you could lower it down for us?
HAMMOND LOOKS UP AT SPEEDER FLOATING IN AIR
>H: That.....might be an issue.
CLARKSON AND MAY GUFFAW
>C: Need a ladder there, Hammond?
>H: Bugger off! Can I climb on top of yours quickly?

>>72335077
SEVERAL MINUTES LATER
>M: I'll be blowed. I can't see an obvious mechanical problem with this thing
>M: (MUTTER TO C): Just you wait for something to go wrong later. It has to. There's no way this thing is legit.
>H: (TO M) Am I the only one in an actual good vehicle here? Clarkson's in an abomination, and you're in something you'd see just about everywhere you went.
>C: What do you mean, an abomination? This is a magnificent machine with no issues whatsoever!
>M: And unlike you two morons, I've actually tried to do something practical.
>C: You mean boring and generic? I bet it's ex-Prateorian, there's no way you'd get anything without a teamaker.
>H: Let's have a look in there.
HAMMOND LOOKS INSIDE THE CHIMERA
>H: Bloody hell, that's a lot of rust. I've seen that odometer too, and it's not pretty. You may as well have driven it all the way here from Terra.
MAY NARRATES:
>Unfortunately, my retort was rather rudely interrupted by the arrival of a strange man
>C: Oh, hello. Who's this?
ULTRAMAR AUXILIA WALKS UP WITH CHALLENGE CARD AND HANDS IT TO CLARKSON
>C (READING): "Now you three are done arguing, it's time to set off. You will board the vessel Lithonia for your road trip to Holy Terra"
>H: What?
>C: Wait, there's more.
>C (READING): "On the way, you will stop at several important locations to complete a series of challenges"
>M: Oh no.
>H: Well, this'll be a fantastic trip, I'm sure. Let's go.
TRIO LEAVE FOR SPACEPORT

>>72335086
This will be the best road trip since the Redeemer's.

>>72335057
Dork, they're on Macragge. I still automatically try and call it Ultramar.
>>72335101
If the thread stays up until later, I'll write a few scripts for their adventures as well.

>>72335086
SCENE: CLARKSON'S TANK, EN ROUTE TO SPACEPORT. HEAVY RAIN.
>C: Normally when Orks get their hands on things, they completely butcher them. Not this, though. What they've done here is - quite successfully - give it a massive engine that makes it BETTER. This monster has over FOUR THOUSAND horsepower lurking down there, and you can FEEL it through the vehicle. Really, it's a miracle it hasn't turned its crankshaft into a cheese twist.
GEARS SCRAPE AND CRUNCH
>C: Has a bit of trouble in the old gearbox, though. Also, a lot of the stuff in here is designed for Orks, and I feel a bit small for once. The guns also don't work unless you're shouting WAAAAAAAAAGH and believing they should. Oh, and they even added a window you have to wind down yourself for air. But for all its flaws, it's still a magnificent and truly unique beast, unlike the cookie-cutter APC James has, or that ridiculous mosquito of Hammond's. I bet he's having a miserable time in all this rain, too.
SCENE: HAMMOND'S COCKPIT
HAMMOND STRUGGLES TO BE HEARD OVER THE NOISE AND ENGINE WHINE
>H: It's a beautiful bird, this. While those two are stuck on the ground, I can zip around above them and literally run rings. Or I would, if we weren't in a city with the best traffic rozzers in the galaxy. In fact, I don't have to worry about anything on the ground at all, so long as it's not taller than about twenty feet or shooting at us. Bit drafty though.
HAMMOND AVOIDS A TRAFFIC GANTRY AND SWERVES
>H: It's a bit hard to control too. I see why these things are often given to Marines and why the Eldar use them so well. I snuck in some training before we left, but I'm not sure even The Stig could handle this at top speed which, incidentally, is higher than the Monstrosity down there.
HAMMOND TALKS BRIEFLY ABOUT THE JETBIKE'S SPECS
SCENE: MAY'S TANK
>M: While the others have gone loud and fancy, I've gone practical. You see.....
MAY TALKS AT LENGTH ABOUT THE CHIMERA'S HISTORY AND IS EVENTUALLY CUT OFF

>>72335057
>>72335064
>>72335077
>>72335086
>>72336455
Don't stop anon, this is pure gold

>>72335057
>>72335064
>>72335077
>>72335086
>>72336455
damn this is on point. Hope you continue it

>>72336455
SCENE: LITHONIA VIP LOUNGE. CLARKSON AND MAY ARE TALKING. HAMMOND IS ABSENT.
CLARKSON IS READING THE IMPERIAL TIMES. MAY HAS A GLASS OF AMASEC.
>C: Right, I've been snooping a bit, and I think I know where we're going first. It's a little world called Badlanding that was nabbed by Orks before even you were born, but it's in the process of being retaken recently.
>M: They're sending us into a war zone now?
>C: Everywhere's a war zone these days. Now, I don't know what they want us to do there, but there's going to be a lot of green yobs around.
>M: Hammond's going to have a right miserable time here isn't he, in his rickety glorified jetpack?
>C: That's right, and I have an idea about how to make him even more miserable. His arrogance is getting on my nerves.
>M: Oh? Do tell...
CLARKSON WHISPERS TO MAY CONSPIRATORIALLY
SCENE: VEHICLE BAY OF THE LITHONIA, SHIPBOARD NIGHT HOURS. LIGHTS ARE DIM.
CLARKSON AND MAY ARE VISIBLE AS CREEPING SILHOUETTES
>C (WHISPERING): And here it is...you bring the widget?
>M (WHISPERING): Here you go
SOUNDS OF QUIETLY CLANKING METAL, SIFTING AND SCREWS ARE HEARD
>C (WHISPERING): Aaaaand that should do it. Looks all in place to me.
>M (WHISPERING): All right, set the frequency to...20.4
>C (WHISPERING): Let's give it a test, see how good we can mess with him
JETBIKE IS QUETLY STARTED UP. EFFECTS ARE NOT SEEN.
>C (WHISPERING): Yeeeeeees. Perfect.
>M (WHISPERING): Now let's get out of here.
CLARKSON AND MAY SNEAK AWAY, SNIGGERING

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>>72330344
Have a (You) anon, that was great.

Excellent work, plucky Top gear Fanfiction writer.


I imagine the penalty car for this special is a Devil Fish troop transport.

It's disgustingly sleek, over engineered and fragile for Clarkson.

It's too alien, too tacky, and too new for May.

And while Hammond is initially thrilled by the idea of a high speed power skimmer, he is crestfallen and disgusted to learn that, in spite of all the speed and agility, you'll never feel the wind in your hair when you drive it. (He also thinks the color scheme is a bit naff.)

>>72336927
I was considering making the backup vehicle a Land Crawler for its sheer all-around terribleness for anything except being a tractor, but that sounds like a much more targeted and subtle troll.

I appear to have slipped up a number of times with Hammond's vehicle's terminology. It's a Land Speeder, not a Jetbike, no matter how many times I call it that by mistake.

>>72335057
>>72335064
>>72335077
>>72335086
>>72336455
>>72336871
Based top gear anon

>>72336455
SCENE: SURFACE OF BADLANDING, CLOSE TO FRONTLINES. SUNNY AFTERNOON.
SOUNDS OF BATTLE CAN BE HEARD SOME MILES AWAY. GROUND IS CHURNED MUD.
>M: Lovely place, isn't it? I knew I shouold have packed a picnic basket.
>C (THROUGH BINOCULARS): I know. Glad we're not up there.
>H: WHo's this bloke?
IMPERIAL GUARDSMAN HANDS HAMMOND A CHALLENGE CARD
>H (READING): "You have arrived on the War World of Badlanding. This place is overrun with Orks, even behind the frontlines. Your task is to find and kill as many as you can within your designated areas in four hours, using only your vehicles and their weapons. You will be provided with gunners for this role."
>C: Sounds simple enough. (TO HAMMOND) Oh, does someone not have a weapon?
>H: Shut up. I KNOW it got disarmed.
>C: You're going to have to go get a GUN, and do it the OLD FASHIONED WAY.
>H: Shut uuuuup!
>M: Well, you know what they say, Hammond. See you later!
CLARKSON AND MAY DRIVE OFF, HAMMOND GOES IN SEARCH OF A WEAPON
SCENE: MAY'S IFV
MAY IS DRIVING UP A HILL. SEVERAL ORKS ARE VISIBLE IN THE DISTANCE.
>M: Ah! Our first customers! Let's see if we can get a bit closer before they notice us.
ORKS TURN AROUND AND BRANDISH SHOOTAS
>M: Well, that didn't take long. Gunner! Open fire! Show these scallywags who's da boss!
AUTOCANNON OPENS FIRE, QUICKLY KILLING TWO BEFORE CATCHING FIRE
>M: Stopstopstopstopstop! Bugger. Forgot the blasted cooling was busted.
MAY BLASTS THE BURNING PATCH WITH AN EXTINGUISHER AS ORKS OPEN FIRE AND CHARGE
>M: All right, it's stopped glowing, I think we can try again now. Short bursts!
REMAINING ORKS ARE KILLED BY SHOR-BURST GUNFIRE
>M: Excellent. Sometimes, you can't beat a good autocannon.
>IFV STRIKES A ROCK, CAUSING A SHOWER OF SOOT AND RUST TO RAIN ON MAY
>M: Blagh!

>>72338715
SCENE: CLARKSON'S MONSTROSITY
CLARKSON IS SHOOTING AT AND DRIVING OVER ORKS
>C: Ahahahah! WAAAAAAAAAGH! Yeeeeees! Poweeeeeeer! WAAAAAAAAAAGH! This feels gooooood! This is what this thing was BORN to do! It's a bit ironic really, that it was the Orks who made these very modifications, and it's a bit of a Frankentank. I shall call it Tankenstein. All the shouting is going to do my throat in soon, though.
TANK ENTERS A SMALL, STEEP-SIDED HOLLOW
>C: In this situation, James would be stuck. We, however, have plenty of what we need to get out of here. POWEEEEER!
A LOUD SQUEALING NOISE EMANATES FROM BELOW, AND THE TANK STOPS
>C: Oh, [bleep] [bleep], PLEASE not right now.
>C (TO MAY): James, are you nearby?
>M (TO CLARKSON): I'm miles away, sorry. I wonder how Hammond is getting on.
SCENE: HAMMOND'S COCKPIT
HAMMOND HAS STRAPPED TWO HEAVY STUBBERS TO HIS LAND SPEEDER
>H: Look who's baaaack! I blagged some guns off of the Guard, and fixed them on. They might have better guns but now here's where I think I have an advantage over them, since I can spot and reach Orks way faster than they can. I'm not out of the game yet!
SCENE: MAY'S IFV
>M (TO CLARKSON): He sounds happy. Shall we annoy him a bit?
>C (TO MAY): Commence Operation Rollercoaster
JAMES PRESSES A BUTTON ON A REMOTE
REPULSION MOTORS FLICKER AND THE SPEEDER BRIEFLY DROPS
>C (TO MAY): Hear that? Sounds like a screaming Hammond.
BOTH LAUGH HYSTERICALLY

>>72338726
CUT TO LATER
SCENE: STARTING GROUND
>C: So, how did we all do?
>M: I got a total of twenty-three. Slow and steady wins the race.
>C: Hammond?
>H: .....Four.
CLARKSON AND MAY LAUGH
>C: FOUR?
>H: Well, as it turns out, it's bloody hard to hit anything when you're in the air, moving at speed and trying to avoid a hail of bullets, weapons and grots at the same time!
>C: Excuses, excuses!
>H: Well, how many did you score?
>C: ...Seven.
>M: Only seven?
>C: That noise I heard? That was the drivetrain tearing itself to pieces. Look!
CLARKSON HEFTS A VERY THICK, TWISTED STEEL ROD
>M: Blimey, you really did a number on that. Too much power, perhaps?
>C: Nonsense! The techpriest is still working on it and crying. Anyway, not being able to move somewhat hampers your ability to move and shoot.
>H (MOCKINGLY): Excuses, excuses. Anyway, I want to borrow the techpriest when you're done. I don't want the grav-drive crapping out on me again.
>M: Who's this?
ANOTHER GUARDSMAN HANDS MAY A CHALLENGE CARD
>M (READING): "Now you are finished showing yourselves up to the Orks" - rude - "you will next be sent to the resort world of Pristia. You will receive further instructions once there."
>H: Well, that's a bit cryptic.
>C: Does anyone remember the vox number for the shuttle?
>H: Uhhhhh......

>>72328770
This post sounds more accurate than any so far.

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We even have models for the guys. Look, here's one for Clarkson

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>>72338791
Another one, this time Hammond

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>>72328171
>>72328123

James May would be a techpriest, surely? A lot of his solo shows involve him pottering around in his shed on various engineering projects. He even rode a motorbike made entirely out of Meccano around the Manx TT course (it took him 36 hours, but he did it)

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>>72338826
And mister May

>>72338726
>I shall call it Tankenstein.
They don't name cars. Don't you remember the Africa Special?

>>72339238
Oliver?

>>72339238
How could anyone forget Oliver?

brilliant

>>72325114
Leman Russ is the best tank... In the Galaxy!

>>72335086
I am saving this whole thread.

(You) magnificent heretic

>>72335057
>>72335064
>>72335077
>>72335086
>>72336455
>>72336871
>>72338715
>>72338726
>>72338734
I can hear them. I can hear them you magnificent bastard.

This requires some sort of immortalization.

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>>72335077
>I had to beat the cogitator into submission with a hammer before it would acknowledge me as da boss.

Someone contact DriveTribe and get these bastards to read this aloud.

>Some say hes one of the lost Primarchs
>Others that he's an escapee from the Noctis Labyrinth
>Or that hes the forbidden love child of Guilliman and Yvraine
>All we know is that hes called... the Stig.

>>72340548
James May does mail time, someone got a spare ork model or tech priest to make james may and send it over with the story attached?

>>72340826
>Some say...
>that he's stolen a commissar's hat... which he keeps under his helmet.
>Others, say that he believes guardsmen to be actually very small sentinels
>All we know is he's called The Stig!

>>72340826
I don't know, it feels like the Stig would be some sort of skitarii or super advanced servitor.

What's the 40k equivalent of Argentina?

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>>72341282
>>72341318
>>72340826
He's a White Scar.

>>72341415
damn your right. I forgott about the white scars unfortunatly so do the setting authors.

>>72341415
Nah, clearly hed be a phoenix lord

>>72341415
Is this OC? Reverse search draws a blank.

>>72339238
"John" managed to take them from bumfuck nowhere in Mongolia to Moron

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>>72330586
>Falc
Eh
>the rest
Fuck me, I can hear it. Damn anon, pretty good.

>>72339899
There's just something about them, after a couple of episodes, especially specials, you can straight-up hear them.

>>72342263
It's not, I've seen it floating around here for years.
It's undoubtedly from here, though.

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>>72335057
>>72335064
>>72335077
>>72335086
>>72336455
>>72336871
>>72338715
>>72338726
>>72338734
This is gold. Someone should archive this, and/or put it up on 1d4chan.

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>>72338734
this is great

>>72338914
His neurotic nature would probably also push him into being a techpriest, probably.

>>72345812
Bumping because I just got here and don't want it to die while I'm reading.

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>>72325114
>I went into the Noosphere, and I found this.

Unhironically the only decent 'How would X fare in 40k' i've seen in weeks

>>72338734
I'm still scribbling by the seat of my pants here by the way, and I'm going to keep writing these until either they reach Terra after a couple more sequences or the thread dies. So if you want me to keep going, keep keeping the thread alive.

SCENE: A BEACH ON PRISTIA. LATE MORNING, SUNNY.
THE TRIO ARE RELAXING NEXT TO THEIR VEHICLES
>M: Do we HAVE to do a challenge? I like it here.
>C: It seems we do, because it's here already.
A GLOVED BUTLER HANDS HAMMOND A CHALLENGE CARD
>H (READING): "Welcome to Pristia, one of the finest resort worlds in Atherax Sector!" - yeah, we can tell - "unfortunately, three nobles got misplaced, and there aren't any shuttles available. You'll be their chauffeurs to take them to the resort of Anoch, some three hundred miles away offroad. The faster you get there and less of the trip they spend whining, the more points you will get".
>M: It's only nobles. How bad can it be?
SMALL JUMP CUT. NOBLES ATTEMPT TO BOARD VEHICLES.
C: I'm sorry, but you'll have to climb in the top hatch. Back door's blocked by the engine. Don't mind the gubbins everywhere, it's just how it's supposed to look. No, that's not an Ork mark.
M: Welcome, madam. Please make yourself comfortable, strap yourself in and secure all loose items. It may get a tad bumpy. Please don't attempt to make a cup of tea with the boiling vessel while we are on the move.
H: Good morning, and you are going to be the one flying! We'll get there in no time. Oh, uh, here's a helmet. Insects sting at these speeds, you know?
MAY NARRATES:
Looking at the map, we had a lot of ground to cover. Three hundred tough miles of grasslands, forest, rivers and hills to cross before nightfall. Our vehicles were (probably) more than capable of doing it, it was just a matter of keeping our.....passengers happy.

>>72347310
SCENE: CLARKSON'S "TANK"
CLARKSON NARRATES:
This was what the Tankenstein was BORN for. Bombing around off road and not giving a [bleep] about what's in its way. We were GLIDING over the dirt.
>C: HAHAAAA! SPEEEEEEED!
NOBLE IS SITTING NEXT TO CLARKSON, GENERALLY LOOKING TERRIFIED
>C: See? Even he's speechless!
FOREST LOOMS INTO VIEW
>C: Bah, we'll have to go around. No way that track's wide enough for us. Do I smell burning?
JEMERY STOPS TO ALLOW THE OVERHEATING ENGINE TO COOL
TANK FOLLOWS A TRACK AROUND THE EDGE OF THE FOREST TO A RIVER CROSSING
>C: Are you done putting stuff in our way? That bridge doesn't look like it'd take the weight of a Squat, let alone an eighty-tonne modified tank. We'll have to ford it.
TANK SLOWLY DRIVES INTO THE WATER
>C: Ah! Aaah! It's deep, it's deeeeep! The water's coming in!
CLARKSON NARRATES:
Still, could be worse.
SCENE: MAY'S IFV. IT HAS STARTED TO RAIN HEAVILY.
A CRASH IS FOLLOWED BY A BONE-SHAKING IMPACT AS BOOTS AND TOOLS FLY AROUND. EVERY IMPACT CAUSES DIRT AND RUST TO SHOWER OFF THE CEILING.
>M: Aaaagh!
CRASH
>M: Ooooow!
CRASH
>M: Yaaaah!
CRASH
>M: Are you all right back there, m'lady?
A RANGE OF IGNOBLE SCREAMS AND CURSES COME BACK
>M: I'll take that as a no, then.
ZOOMED OUT SHOT SHOWING THE CHIMERA BOUNCING OVER ROUGH TERRAIN. ANOTHER CRASH AND YELL IS HEARD.
MAY NARRATES:
Still, could be worse.
SCENE: HAMMOND'S COCKPIT
HAMMOND AND THE NOBLE ARE SOAKED. HAMMOND IS MISERABLE AND STOPPED ABOVE A FOREST, TRYING TO READ A MAP.
>H: We're lost.
THUNDER RUMBLES OVERHEAD
>H: I don't suppose it can get much worse.
A SUDDEN GUST OF WIND SNATCHES THE MAP
>H: Yes! Yes, it can!
CAMERA ZOOMS OUT
>H: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

>>72347326
SCENE: CLARKSON'S TANK
>C: Look! Lights! I wonder where those two idiots are.
CLARKSON CLANKS UP THE HOTEL DRIVEWAY, SEES JAMES STANDING IN FRONT OF HIS CHIMERA, MAKING THE LOSER SIGN. MANY OF HIS TREADS SLATS ARE MISSING.
>C: Oh, no. Look how smug he is.
CLARKSON DISMOUNTS HIS STEAMING HOT TANK AND SQUELCHES OVER. NOBLE RUNS FOR IT.
>M: So, how did your passenger enjoy the trip? Mine didn't run off like that.
>C: From how you're standing, I think you crippled them too much to run.
>M: Yes, she...was a tad bruised
>C: From the look on your cheek, I think she gave you a bruise of your own
>M: Anyway, it's getting dark. Where's Hammond?
>C: I don't know. Shall we go for a drink?
CLARKSON AND MAY WALK OFF TO THE BAR
SCENE: HAMMOND'S COCKPIT. POURING WITH RAIN AND DARK. NOBLE IS COMPLAINING ABOUT BEING TIRED AND WET.
>H: I'm sure we're going the right way now. I recognised the silhouette of that landmark earlier.
>H: .....
>H: Any second now, we'll see the lights
>H: .....
SLOW FADE TO BLACK

Next episode tomorrow, it's the person you've all been waiting for.....

>>72347340
More

>>72347340
You're an absolute legend.

>>72347310
S-tier writefag, churning quality lorecrack like a spagetti gun.

Fucken ell, save this shit and send it to Jeremy.

The Emperor Topkeks

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Look at im go!

Man just WILL NOT MISS

Bumping. Even if this isn't finished, this deserves to be cropped, saved, and archived.

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>>72347326
>>H: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

>>72336920
I ran out of ork trukk drivers, thanks for the idea.

>>72345812
>>72338914
Definitely - he's at least mildly OCD and actually knows quite a bit about the engineering.

Not sure which is better for bikes (that he and Hammond love and Jeremy hate), hover-vehicles or walkers.

>>72341282
>Some say...
>He has no concept of Space Marines
>And the last time he went to Armageddon the orks made him a warboss
>All we know is he's called The Stig!

>>72325114
Alright guys. Someone has archive this thread. So if you want to give a positive vote, it's here:
>http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive.html?searchall=Top+Gear+in+a+very+special+episode

>>72325114
IF THIS THREAD WAS A SANDWICH, IT'D BE A BUMP-FLAVOURED ONE

>>72338914
>He even rode a motorbike made entirely out of Meccano around the Manx TT course (it took him 36 hours, but he did it)
Damn, missed that one, sounds based.

>>72346865
Beautiful.

>>72347310
Thought May didn't like royalty. He seems to have a poor opinion on Elizabeth, at least.

>>72327881

>"Now viewers, if you don't know why riding a filthy Xenos made jetbike across Catachan is a bad idea, just have a word with your Commisar."

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>>72330586

>Gosh is that a 3rd ed Raider?
>That is a 3rd ed Raider. That's a proper villanous grav tank
>That is a proper grav tank. Whatever you do, ok? Do not tell him that.
>Hammond you idiot! We were supossed to be upholding the reputation of eldar vehicles, you brought an antique, you brought a glorified guineaman!

bump

>>72335086
>I bet it's ex-Prateorian, there's no way you'd get anything without a teamaker.
You magnificent son of a bitch

>>72340826
>Some say he's the original Speed Freek
>Others say that he's Doomrider in disguise
>All we know is that he's called... the Stig

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>>72335057
>>72335064
>>72335077
>>72335086
>>72336455
>>72336871
>>72338715
>>72338726
>>72338734
These are really great. I hope you keep going.

Bump

This this is getting voted


http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive.html?searchall=Top+Gear+in+a+very+special+episode


Yer a beaut.

Lots of bumps on the road for the trio it seems

>>72347340
SCENE: HOTEL BAR. CLARKSON AND MAY ARE DRINKING WINE AT A TABLE. LATE NIGHT.
>C: I tell you what, they have excellent alcohol on this planet
>M: Indeed. Poshos have good taste.
>C: I don't think our guests today enjoyed it as much as we did
>M: Who hated it the most? Mine or yours?
>C: Hammond's. He's still not even here yet.
>M: Speak of the devil.
HAMMOND WALKS IN, SOPPING WET AND BEDRAGGLED
>M: Look who the Felinid dragged in! Have a good trip, did we?
HAMMOND GLARES AT HIM AND SITS DOWN
>H: No.
CLARKSON'S VOX BEEPS
>C: Oh, look, it's a message from The Producers!
C (READING): Ahem. "We had to pull a lot of strings to not get you all arrested for your antics" - what ungrateful people - "your next destination is the Hive World of Slough, where you shall undertake a challenge of speed"
HAMMOND GROANS AND BURIES HIS HEAD
>H: Of all the places, they choose to send us to Slough? Why couldn't the Orks have bombed it when they had the chance?
>C: Well, gentlemen, we'd better get some sleep. The ship leaves early tomorrow.
HAMMOND WATCHES THEM LEAVE AND SMIRKS
SCENE: HOTEL CAR PARK. DAWN, MOSTLY CLEAR.
CLARKSON AND MAY GO TO CLIMB INTO THEIR VEHICLES
>H: Hold up, you two
>M: What?
>H: Last night, I went down the night market and got you two some presents!
>C: Oh no.
HAMMOND PRODUCES A GLASS 1:25 SCALE LAND RAIDER MODEL
>H: For you, Jeremy.
HAMMOND STAGGERS AROUND THE CORNER WITH A PERSON-SIZED MARBLE STATUE OF A WOMAN
>H: And for you, James.
CLARKSON ATTEMPTS TO WRAP THE MODEL IN A THICK LAYER OF CUSHIONS
SCENE: STREETS OF ANOCH. SUNNY.
TRIO ARE DRIVING TOGETHER TO SPACEPORT
SHOT OF CLARKSON DRIVING WORDLESSLY WITH A CLUMP OF CUSHIONS THE SIZE OF A BEACH BALL BEHIND HIM
SHOT OF MAY DRIVING, WITH FLASK OF TEA. THEN EXTERIOR SHOT, WITH STATUE LASHED TO ROOF, UPRIGHT
>M: What a twat. Bet he thinks he's funny, too.

>>72347326
>>H: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I fucking love you anon, I haven't laughed this hard in ages

>>72330607
Not a Sentinel? It's just like walking, but less comfortable.

best thread on /tg/

>>72358933
More, plz.

>>72353456
Holy hell this thread already has 25 upvotes.

>>72362949
It's made of solid gold and win. /tg/ rewards creative writefagging

>>72347310
>So if you want me to keep going, keep keeping the thread alive.
Please bro...
Will they ever reach Terra?

>>72364152
After the Hive Races (which are nearly done), I've got one more big challenge in mind for them before Terra.

>>72325114
>I was the first to arrive

>>72358933
SCENE: HIVE WORLD SLOUGH, HIVE BERKS EXTERIOR, GROUND LEVEL, SMOGGY AND OVERCAST
TRIO ARE STANDING, WEARING BREATHING MASKS
>H: Cheery place, isn't it?
>M: Can we hurry up and get this done already? I want to go back to Pristia.
HIVE GANGER HANDS CLARKSON A CHALLENGE CARD
>C (READING): "Welcome to Slough. Don't breathe the air, and don't wander off. This challenge will be a time-trial race."
>H: A race? Yes! But against who?
>C: Wait a minute, would you?
>C (READING): "The course will first take you up the outside of the Hive to avoid the seedier bits, followed by a section to the centre of the Hive itself. You will be racing againsta Rhino driven by an expert, with points awarded based on how close you are to their time."
>C: As for who this driver is - some say he has an STC filled with vehicle plans in his basement, or that he was raised on Saim-Hann. All we know is.....he's NOT The Stig! He's The Stig's hiver cousin!
STIG CLIMBS OUT OF A HATCH IN THE HIVE AND WALKS TOWARDS THE RHINO. HELMET HAS A MOHAWK AND STIG WEARS A TATTERED JACKET WITH A STUBGUN ON HIS HIP.
>C: Oh, Hammond. One more thing.
>C (READING): "For this challenge, flying vehicles must stay less than one metre above the ground"
>H: Dammit!
STIG TAKES OFF IN RHINO, BOMBING AROUND AND CLIMBING THE HIVE EXTERIOR VIA THE ROUTE
>M: Crikey, look at him go!
>H: That's a drift, in a tracked vehicle on a ledge hundreds of metres up! How does he do that?
>M: You wouldn't catch me doing that.
>C: We don't need you to tell us that, Captain Slow.
STIG ENTERS THE HIVE; SHOOTING THROUGH THE MARKED CRUMBLING MAINTENANCE PASSAGES, DARK MAG-TRAM TUNNELS AND LARGE VEHICLEWAYS
>H: I hope there's no trains in there.
>C: Hammond, you worry too much. I'm sure there isn't.
STIG CROSSES THE FINISH LINE INTO A LARGE EMPTY STORAGE CHAMBER. AN ARBITES IS WAVING THE CHEQUERED FLAG.
>C: Let's see the time to beat.
>M: Sixteen minutes and thirteen seconds.
>C: Well gentlemen, I'll go first.

>>72364272
ok. thanks for the update
bump

>>72365264
CLARKSON DRIVES UP THE FIRST RAMP
>C: And off and up we go! POWEEEEER!
>TANK CLATTERS UP PRECARIOUS STEEP RAMP AFTER STEEP RAMP AT SPEED
>C: All the agoraphobic grannies back home will be watching this and gasping every time I get near the edge. I had a new reinforced driveshaft installed after last time, so it should hold the IMMENSE POWER of this beast this time.
CLARKSON REACHES EXTERIOR AIRLOCK AND WAITS FOR IT TO OPEN
>C: Come on, come on, I don't have time for this!
A COUPLE OF HIVER CHILDREN HAVE WANDERED ONTO THE TRACK AND LEAP OUT OF THE WAY
>C: Get out of the way, you idiots!
CLARKSON MISJUDGES A CORNER AND SLIDES THROUGH A WALL
>C: Sorry! My bad, my bad! Don't mind me!
CLARKSON CROSSES THE FINISH LINE, WHOOPING
>C: Beat that, you two!
SCENE: HIVE EXTERIOR. MAY IS NEXT UP.
>M: We'll be taking this a bit slower this time, since I don't want to fly off the edge
HAMMOND WATCHES THROUGH BINOCULARS, TALKING TO CLARKSON VIA VOX
>H (TO CLARKSON): Uhhhh, he's forgotten to take statue off.
SCENE: MAY'S IFV
>M: The only thing worse than falling to my death hundreds of metres down is letting Clarkson beat me in that scrapheap of his. Still, oo-er.
MAY ZOOMS THROUGH THE TUNNELS. A LOW PIPE DECAPITATES HIS STATUE.
>M: Did you hear a clanging noise there?
MAY PASSES CLARKSON'S CRASH SITE
>M: The gouges in the floor and very tank-shaped hole in the wall look like the trail marks of the gorilla.
SCENE: THE FINISH LINE. CLARKSON WATCHES MAY PULL IN.
>C: HA! HA HA HA HA HAAA!
>M: What's so funny.
>C: Turn around. Your statue appears to have lost its head!
>M: BOLLOCKS!
CLARKSON VOXES HAMMOND
>C: (TO HAMMOND): Hammond, you're completely going to believe this, but May's statue is now missing its head.
HAMMOND GUFFAWS OVER VOX

>>72365286
SCENE: HIVE EXTERIOR
>H: Right. My turn. Let's get this over with. If I do fall off, at least I can stop my own fall.
HAMMOND STARTS SLOW AND SOON GETS FASTER, SWISHING AROUND THE RAMPS AND LEDGES
>H: This is actually pretty fun. It feels snappy, responsive, agile. This isn't its real home, but it might as well be. Pity they would never waste things like this on trivially important tasks like patrolling hives.
HAMMOND ENTERS THE HALLS
>H: Focus. Keep it straight and low. Don't take the corners too fast. Don't go too fast.
IN THE MAG-TRAM TUNNELS, A LIGHT APPEARS ROUND THE CORNER
>H: Huh? Oh, [bleep]!
HAMMOND SWERVES OUT OF THE WAY OF THE TRAP, SCRAPES A WALL AND LOSES CONTROL INTO A SERIES OF CORKSCREWS
>H: AAAAaaaaAAAAaaaaAAAAaaa-
HAMMOND EVENTUALLY REGAINS CONTROL
>H: He told me it was safe! CLAAAAARK-SOOOOOOON!
SCENE: THE FINISH LINE AS HAMMOND ARRIVES
>M: That was quick.
>H (TO CLARKSON): I nearly got flattened by a train!
>C: Oh, uh, has anyone got the times?
>M: Right here. Remember the Stig did it in sixteen minutes and thirteen seconds. Jeremy Clarkson, you did it in twenty-one minutes and eleven seconds.
JEREMY GRUNTS
>M: I did it in twenty minutes and forty-eight seconds.
CLARKSON SCOFFS
>C: That clapped-out old rustbucket missing half its treads? You're joking.
>M: It would seem your abomination is, surprise surprise, not that speedy. Now Richard Hammond. You did it in fifteen minutes and nineteen seconds.
>H: What? I was faster than the Stig?
>C: It's not really comparable. You're in an antigravity-powered flying machine, for goodness sakes. You should have been faster by years if you want to brag about it.
HAMMOND MAKES THE LOSER SIGN AT CLARKSON
>C: Whatever.
>C (TO MAY): He's going to be absolutely unbearable forever.
CUT BACK TO SHIP

man, what a thing to stumble on after literally just finishing the last episode of CHM topgear after marathoning the ret

>>72347326
oh god it's the limo challenge all over again

>>72359846
surely the punishment vehicle would be something really comedy, like a squat vehicle

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>>72365309
>Going faster than the Stig
Hammond, my man.

>>72365309
>>72365755
I was expecting a crash.

>>72365799
Don't worry. There's still time.

>>72365799
you know how richard 'whoops! I've done it again" hammond is
he'll find a way

>>72366060
Nah its fine, the land speeder doesent have wheels so he cant make it lose friction and spin

Therefore he cant crash the land speeder

>>72365309
Torquefag anon delivers the delicious.

You temporarily cured me of cancer.

ThEmprah Topkeks

>>72366082
yeah but as we know, he doesn't know to stop when he sees the word 'finish' across the road, meaning the end of this trip might well see his land speeder buried in eternity gate

>>72366095
>flies into the webway on accident

>>72325114
>Slow boating it to Terra
>Have to live in cramp and unhygenic ships where you still have to find ways to earn food if someone doesn't shiv you for your goods
>Most travel is via sublight speed with occasional dips into the warp where it's safe to do so
>Making multiple stops along the way
>Terra is a shit hole above shit holes and you're probably dropped off at the lowest levels of the imperial palace
>Still competing for food/shelter before you even get to the shrine you came to see

At best, they die along the way. Worse, they die in the lowest levels of the palace to be cannibalized or used to propagate the genestealer cult festering there.

>>72366128
Theyre with amazon now, they could have the black ships if they wanted to

>>72366082
He's going to fight the Possession of his vehicle instead, and he's going to sandwich ram the side of a parked and cloaked Inquisition Shade gunship.

>>72366145

Okay, so they either wind up as kibbles and bits for the emperor or get turned into space phones. Actually that's probably a far better outcome then the pilgrams.

>>72365850
Don't get my hopes up like that anon.

>>72366295
But theyre not psykers you dummy

>>72364272
Youre nailing all targets clean, Tex.

Keep gunning it; (You) gon live forever.

>>72325114
M: chaps, listen: have you ever wanted an orkish landspeeder?
C: (sarcastically) yes, I have
*audience laughter*
M: well it's good news because there is one and here it is and it's called da fungus
C: it is not, it is NOT called da fungus, what is it called?
M: I can't remember, it's something a bit-
C: so you just made up the name da fungus
M: yes, I forgot
H: why would you want an orkish landspeeder cause speeders reflect racial characteristics, don't they? our speeders are sort of very boxy and tough, eldar speeders are a bit flamboyant and quick, orkish speeder's just going to be a noisy stinking oaf with big teeth punching his friends with a bit of scrap metal nailed to his abs as a 'shirt'
*audience laughter*
M: it's interesting, because they can't do food can they, the orks, because it's all like mushrooms with blood on them
H: squig blood
M: yeah squig blood
C: how much is this orkish landspeeder
M: the shroom-covered orkish landspeeder is 33000 teef
C: that isn't enough. it isn't enough, because some mekboy will have lost teef in the fights for the parts and the costs of having it shipped over here, that's 800 teef worth of landspeeder
M: well you say that, but it says here in their blurb it has 'gork-blessed steering'
H: wow, it's got steering?
*audience laughter*
H: I'm sorry, just imagine waking up and remembering you're orkish
C: no, it'd be brilliant! because you could just shoot whatever woke you up and go straight back to sleep! that's why we're not going to get any complaints about this, at the orkish embassy- well there's no such thing but even if there was, the ambassador would be too busy trying to free his head from a squiggoth's mouth to notice! they won't complain, it's fine!

>>72366374
may could be a blank though, but instead of creeping people out he just sends them to sleep

>>72366515
>may bores the harlequins trying to kill him to sleep
>doesent notice, continues explaining why the black library is sorted wrong

>>72366488
fucken gold

I think the real question is which races do and don't watch top gear?
and which chapters?

>>72365264
>>not Brother Captain Slow
But also reading bump

>>72365309
so when is may going to meet an eldar and hammond meet an astartes as promised in the TONIGHT! segmment

>>72366848
Anyone that likes motoring like orks, saim-hann, white scars, etc...

>>72367070
do the tyranids watch top gear as a result of the octavius conflict? assimilating all that ork biomass must have side effects

>>72366533
kaldor drago but it's james may instead
he inscribed a really detailed and boring mathematical formula into a daemon primarch's heart!

>>72367476
Only instead of that he broadcasts himself reviewing an ancient dish now considered a rare commodity: jam sandwiches.

>>72366925
SOON(TM). I put myself in a bit of a corner with those, since I wasn't planning on it being any longer than the original "meet the cars" segment and gave no thought to how they would actually happen.

Also, I just remembered I forgot one of them

SCENE: BADLANDING, CLARKSON'S "TANK" JUST AFTER IT HAS BROKEN ITS DRIVESHAFT AND CLARKSON HAS SPOKEN TO MAY
TANK IS PARKED ON THE EDGE OF A LARGE HOLE
>C: All right, I'm going outside to check the engine. Keep watching for any Orks.
CLARKSON JUMPS DOWN AND OPENS THE ENGINE HATCH
>C: Right, this is Ork engineering, so the fact that it hasn't exploded violently means it's still working
CLARKSON WALKS ROUND THE SIDE
>C: Let's see what's in the mechanisms, shall we?
>CLARKSON OPENS THE HATCH, CAUSING A CLOUD OF STINGING FUMES TO BLOW OUT
>C: Blaaagh!
HE SCRAMBLES BACK AND FALLS BACKARDS INTO THE HOLE, TUMBLING DOWN INTO THE WET MUD AT THE BOTTOM
>C: [Bleep]ing hell. I shouldn't ask if it'll get worse, because it will. I know it.
CUT TO A SULLEN CLARKSON SITTING IN AN ATLAS NEXT TO AN EQUALLY SCOWLING GUARDSMAN. ATLAS IS TOWING HIS "TANK"
CLARKSON IS COVERED IN MUD. HE SAYS NOTHING.

By the way, my free time will be savagely curtailed from tomorrow onwards. I'll try to write as much as I can though.

>>72367716
bless you anon, you're doing the emperor's work

>>72367716
You're doing the best thing /tg/ has done in a long time.

Stay safe.

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>>72327321
it is just pure pornography

>>72354644
>I wouldn't ride that grox
>HOLY MOLY
>why do they have five legs on catachan?

>>72339238
sure, but this is a tank

>>72341415
>some say he has enough dakka
>and that cyclonic torpedoes all have a white helmet at their core
>all we know is, he's called the stig

>>72336455
>MAY TALKS AT LENGTH ABOUT THE CHIMERA'S HISTORY AND IS EVENTUALLY CUT OFF
you didn't even write out his dialogue and I can still hear it
how's that happened

I'm not letting this thread die until May says 'COCK!'

Bumper stickers

>>72341921
The Shinning Spears are could do with one.

Bumperydo-do-do.

Bumpan till our venerated cogboy petrolhead return

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>>72325114
I went onto the Noosphere and I found this.

Gonna archive this work of art

>>72325114

Write fag! Return to us write fag!

This is the best thread tg has had in eons!

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>>72374604
I wish I could. I really wish I could, but you know how it is when you're up to your eyeballs in urgent work. I'll write what I can, when I can now.

Tell you what though. While I'd prefer to be able to finish here, if someone forgets to bump and the thread expires before then I'll finish writing it all and make a new thread for it when it's done.

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bump and power

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Even khorn approves of this usage of power

I just read this thread in the voices of the respective presenters. Well done, writefag anon.

>>72365309
>SCENE: LITHONIA SHUTTLE BAY. SHIPBOARD LATE AFTERNOON.
A COUPLE OF SHUTTLES ARE PARKED AT THE SIDE. A TRACK HAS BEEN MARKED OUT IN THE MIDDLE.
HAMMOND IS ZIPPING AROUND PRACTICING ON HIS SPEEDER. CLARKSON AND MAY WATCH.
>M: I must admit, I do sometimes feel a little jealous.
>C: What's this? Captain Slow admiring the fast thing?
>M: I must admit that it does look a bit fun. You know they used to be cheap enough for the Guard to use?
>C: You're kidding me.
A MAGOS, A TALL AND SLENDER PERSON IN A HOOD AND TWO ORNATELY DRESSED VOIDSMEN WALK IN BEHIND
>M: We even used to have jetbikes, for chrissakes. Now jetbikes are extinct apart from the Eldar ones and only a few lucky Marines get to use Speeders.
>C: The Dark Age called, James, they want you back.
>M: Pah. Bet they would. We just have to appreciate the few scraps of good things we have.
THE HOODED FIGURE SPEAKS IN A CURIOUSLY LILTING VOICE
>?: You are correct, I shall grant you that. Every year your technology degrades a little more.
>C: Oh no, now there's TWO of them. Please take him with you, I can see where he's going.
>M: Give it a few more millennia and we'll be a race of Clarksons. Who are you, anyway?
FIGURE OBVIOUSLY AVOIDS THE QUESTION
>?: I was asked to give you this. Why they could not have used one of the crew I do not know.
FIGURE HANDS MAY A NOTE AND WALKS OFF WITH THE OTHERS TO A VERY FANCY SHUTTLE
>M: What a strange man. Was it a man?
>C: There's some bigwig Rogue Trader on board, wanted a word with the cap'n. That's probably his retinue, and you know the eccentric company they keep.
>M: Fair enough.
MAY OPENS NOTE
>M (READING): "Since you all loved Slough so much, your next destination is another wonderful, desolate place called Arenite. You will receive further details on planetfall"
>C: Bollocks.
>M: Oi, that's my line!
HAMMOND FLIES JUST ABOVE THEIR HEADS, SWISHING THEIR HAIR
>M: Bloody Nora, Hammond!
>C: Race must have gone to his little head. No wonder he crashes so much.

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Surprised no guardsmen has figured yet.

I'll leave a small bump here.

>>72326651

You glorious bastard.

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>>72379037
I generally hate bumping, but I'll make an exception for this glorious thread.

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it's all so vivid

bump

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I've found a little bit of time, and the Desert World Adventures are go. Pretty sure this is going to be the longest one yet with plenty of opportunity for shenanigans and all the classic Top Gear tropes. Coming tomorrow. Maybe.

>>72382973
k

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While waiting for the main delivery, here is a small one of my own.

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>>72384112
Brilliant

>>72384112
absolutely hilarious

>>72384112
"why have you got a picture of three stroke victims on the wall?" - jeremy clarkon
"that's us" - james may

>>72382973
Can't wait
>>72384112
Amazing

Do we know if anyone has screencapped this yet?

>>72386576
You don't screencap artfaggotry in progress.

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>They just fucking took all the rewards Top Gear made when they left even though you're supposed to leave them with the show

They're bloody magpies.

>>72387961
Oah!

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>>72384112

>>72387961
>They just fucking took all the rewards Top Gear made
come again?

>>72384112
Nice!

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>>72336920

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This thread rocks.

>>72388880
Co-creator of Top Gear took all the awards, including an Emmy, when they left even though the BBC are supposed to keep them.

https://youtu.be/2lDGeF2lDEk

>>72390690
bit rude innit?

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>>72390690
Based as fuck.

>>72390690
based

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>>72335057
AI speech synthesis is getting better and better. When someone finally gets round to offering us Clarkson, May, and Hammond speech synthesis I swear to god I will get someone to animate this. Screenshot it!

>>72392148
We're archived so you can come back here later, don't worry. Incidentally, this is the highest rated thread on suptg since the Raiders and Radon debut almost exactly a year ago.

bumb

>>72379037
SCENE: TOWN OF BARCHAN, ARENITE. SUNNY, SCORCHING HOT.
TRIO STAND IN SANDY TOWN SQUARE
>M: Five minutes and I'm burning already.
>H: I'm amazed that vehicle of yours didn't come with a nice Praetorian umbrella you could use as a parasol.
>C: Look sharp, challenge is here!
MAN IN DESERT ROBES HANDS CLARKSON A CHALLENGE CARD
>C (READING): "Welcome to the hellish desert of sand and rock known as Arenite and Segmentum Solar, the last stop on your journey before Terra. Fortunately for you, we weren't allowed to send you to Tallarn. The nearest spaceport is in the town of Caliche 1,550km away, which you must reach in order to leave. You may use the remainder of your purchase budget to locally modify your vehicles for the journey."
>H: That's a problem for you, isn't it? You're already three thousand negative on your budget.
>C: We shall see!
CUT TO VEHICLE MODIFICATION MONTAGE
CLARKSON IS HAMMERING SOMETHING. MAY PICKS A SPANNER FROM HIS SET IN SIZE ORDER. HAMMOND STANDS ON A STEPLADDER TO REACH HIS VEHICLE. CLARKSON IS STILL HAMMERING.
SCENE: BARCHAN TOWN SQUARE
HAMMOND ARRIVES, ATTRACTING STARES
>H: With my remaining £1000, I have added the most needed features. First up is a proper canopy, since I'm sick of being soaked. I know this is the desert, but YOU NEVER KNOW! Second, I converted the passenger seat to a fold-out bed. I tried to have the machine spirit purified, but Jeremy's hammer shut it up more effectively.
CLARKSON ARRIVES
>H: What HAS the orang-utan done this time? Jeremy, you have managed to do the impossible, and make it look worse.
>C: Says you! You added go-faster stripes to yours, for chrissakes!
>H: I think they look cool!
>C: Anyway, I've had to keep it simple since I'm already over budget. I've welded on some big side tanks, because I doubt there's any petrol stations out there. I've also installed a sleeping bag, a seat cushion and - the most important thing - an air conditioner for this solar oven.
>H: How much did that cost you?

>>72394243
>C: £500, but let's not get bogged down with that.
>H: I don't need to say anything.
MAY ARRIVES. THE STATUE IS NOW MOUNTED ON THE FRONT WITH A GROX SKULL HEAD.
>C: Hmm. It doesn't look like he's changed much.
>M: While you two have been busy with useless things, I on the other hand have been focusing on things I think you've forgotten. First off, I've installed a toilet seat on the back for your convenience. I even fixed the track treads.
>H: Is this like what you two used when you were driving across Inwit?
>M: The very same. Anyway, the real wonder is inside, if you'll follow me...
MAY OPENS THE REAR HATCH. A SHOWER IS ATTACHED TO THE DOOR, AND INSIDE MAY HAS CONVERTED THE CREW COMPARTMENT TO A LIVING SPACE WITH A STOVE, A FRIDGE, CUPBOARDS, A MIN-BAR, A BED, A TABLE AND SOME CHAIRS.
>C: Oh my word.
>H: Well, you're set, aren't you? Still looks rustier than your knowledge of Kriegish in here.
>M: Indeed I am. Your access to all of this depends entirely on your being nice to me. I know you're immediately going to try and break it because you're jealous and, if you do, you'll find yourselves crapping in a hole and eating cold beans out of a can. Am I clear?
>C: Aaaaanyway, now that's over, shall we have a look at the map The Producers gave us?
>C (READING): They really did mark on the edges as "here be sandworms".
>H: So, I think we should take this route here around Ward's Butte, because the dunes look smaller
>M: No no no, the other side is quite substantially shorter.....
FADE TO BLACK AND BACK. TRIO ARE STILL ARGUING.
>C: Gentlemen, enough. Shall we just start going, have a look, and send Hammond out to scout when we need to?
>H: Fiiine.
>M: Oh, and Hammond. Don't just fly off. I don't want to be stuck with his smug face in his chimney-stack machine for days in a desert. And besides, if you crash, nobody is going to come for you.
H (RELUCTANTLY): Fine. How many times am I going to say that this trip?
>C: If you two are ready, shall we start?

>>72394261
great work anon

>>72394261
One of the best threads in a long time

>>72390690
based mr wilman

>>72338734
simply smażon!

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>>72394261
>>H: So, I think we should take this route here around Ward's Butte, because the dunes look smaller

>>72394243
>>72394261
based bump

>>72335057
>SCENE: THE STUDIO, CROWDS STAND AMONG WRECKED VEHICLES
>CLARKSON NARRATES:
>>Tonight, on Top Gear.....
>>I fall in a hole!
>Clip of Jeremy Clarkson stumbling backwards into a shell hole
>>May makes a friend!
>Candid, zoomed-in shot of James May and an Eldar agreeing the olden days were better
>>And Hammond says hi to a Space Marine!
>Clip of Richard Hammond looking up at a huge Astartes and nervously saying "hi"
>>And welcome to the ROAD TRIP SPECIAL!
>SCENE: DESRTED CAR PARK IN HILLS OF ULTRAMAR. LIGHT RAIN.
>MAY ARRIVES IN A CHIMERA
>MAY NARRATES:
>>I was the first to arrive, in a Chimera Armoured Transport. This amazing machine is great all round, it's dependable, and it's the best friend of every lucky infantryman. And it only cost me fourteen thousand pounds, which leaves me with six thousand to play with. The autocannon is a bit unusual and it's got a few issues with it and apparently the tracks and bearings "need some work" but other than that I've been assured it's in mint condition. Oh, perfect timing, the gorilla's here.
>CLARKSON ARRIVES IN A VERY SUSPICIOUS LOOKING LAND RAIDER
>>C: BEHOLD! The Land Raider! It's got SPEED and POWER for days, unlike that wimpy thing you're in. It could eat that for BREAKFAST!
>MAY PICKS AT PAINT
>>M: Is that an an Ork marking under there?
>>C: Indeed it is! This thing got looted on Panaris III a few years back and recently got found after some raids. We saved it from the scrapheap because apparently there's a few Orks that DO know their stuff! Cut that out.
>CLARKSON OPENS ENGINE COMPARTMENT
>>M: What the blazes is that?
>>C: That, James, is a V64 engine. You normally find these monsters on ships, but somehow they managed to get it into this thing! About half of the entire vehicle is taken up by engine, and hoo boy does it have POWER! These smart xenos also fit it with a pait of giant shootas and kinds of goodies.
>>M: Do they work?
>>C: The shootas? .....No.
top kek

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Bumping, but with thread-relevant picture.

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Bump with incredibly shitty paint meme made in 2 min. But at least thread relevant.

So this is what it's like to be British.

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incredible thread. thank you writefag for making my day.

>>72400783
It is truly a treasure.

>>72328770
Kek

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>>72394261
>H: So, I think we should take this route here around Ward's Butte, because the dunes look smaller

This thread is gold.

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>>72394261
Quality content anon, godspeed

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>>72325114
The only time this meme has been done well, gg op

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>>72403343
I'm pretty sure that there was a thread on /o/ last year that did it quite well. Here's a small glimpse of what I have saved.

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>>72404170
No, I don't have the image saved.

>>72404189
>>72404681
>>72404650
>>72404587
I'm going to have to go the rest of my life having seen that, you bastard

What a legendary thread. I'm so glad I was here for this, even if it ends up being cut short and the writefag doesn't deliver.

>>72404587
>>72404650
>>72404681
which one gets pregnant with the emperor?

>>72406417
Am writefag. I'm still trying my best to deliver, but I'm not a speedy writer at the best of times and now I have to juggle finals exams at the same time with an in-tray as high as the ceiling so it's a bit difficult to find the time, though I still try and get at least a couple more posts out every day. If the thread does get cut short, I'll finish writing off-camera and post it in a new thread so you won't miss out.

While on Catachan they get a challenge. They have to complete against the Stig in a killing orks with their vehicles. The Stig has a Caladius Grav Tank Annhilator.

Stig speeds out into the battlefield and drifts through waves of grots and ork boys. Turning stompas and war wagons into melted cheese with the twin linked arachnus blaze cannons. Comes back with a time of 4 minutes and 24 seconds, and 1000 ork casualties.

May goes out first and tries to go for a really low run time by avoiding unnecessary combat. His lack of Dakka offends the orks and they go away to another battle field. Coming in at a respectable 4 minutes 20 seconds, and one dead squig.

Hammond goes next but he offends the machine spirit and gets stuck in a bog. Spends 10 minutes outside performing the rites of repair. While fighting off orks with his Lasgun and chain sword. Score 15 minutes and 02 seconds, and 35 orks(triple score for using hand weapons).

Clarkson says "prepare to witness muh genius". Drives out into the middle of the field and walks away from the vehicle. The orks loot it and take it behind theirines to get more dakka. Clarkson then steps up to may and hammon and pulls out a small remote. Pressing the button causes the vehicle's reactor to overload. The mushroom cloud over the ork camp is seen for dozens of miles. Clarkson gets up out of the mud of the trench and gets his score. 33 minutes and 2000 orks.

Clarkson says "see I've won."

May, "but you don't have a vehicle anymore."

Hammond, "you're going to have to drive the penitent engine now."

Clarkson, "shit. Well on that bombshell, Goodnight."

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>>72406720
May is the one who looks like a Lesbian, so probably him.

Who's got that "All we know iz, he's called Da Squig" comic?

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>>72409557
Does Communist Stig go faster because he is red?

>>72404587
>>72404650
>>72404681
Ask and ye shall receive.

>>72409557
See>>72336920

Mid workday bump

>>72409786

Yes. Absolutely, it's his brakes which are shit.

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>>72410976

I too want TopFag to finish this thread.

Come on you son of a bitch. You can do it

Bomp eet

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Now with 100% more relevant attached images because why not
>>72394261
SCENE: CLARKSON'S "TANK". DRIVING THROUGH DESERT.
CLARKSON NARRATES:
All was well in the frankentank. The suspension was still shot and the engine noise was going to do my head in, but the speed was good and air conditioner was keeping the heat at bay. It was cheap and the dodgy bloke I bought it from probably stole it, but it turned out amazing.
CLARKSON VOXES MAY
>C: So, where are we going again?
>M: Some place called Sanctum Flats is our first waypoint. Then we're going to try and reach Ward's Butte before sundown. It's a massive butte, more of a mesa really, so you can't miss it.
>C: Who names a place "Sanctuary" in a desert? There's absolutely sod all there!
>M: Some bloke from that Damnatum Lutum place if I recall. Said it was a haven compared to what he legged it from back home.
>C: Must have been really desperate.
>M: You know, I've just had a thought about Hammond. His cockpit has no air conditioning, so he's essentially made a greenhouse.
>C: Speaking of Hammond, do we still have that widget on board? Maybe we should test it.
MAY PRESSES THE BUTTON
HAMMOND'S SPEEDER DIVES. A FAINT SCREAM CAN BE HEARD
>M (SNIGGERING): It appears so.
SCENE: HAMMOND'S COCKPIT
VENTILATION HOLES IN CANOPY ARE OPEN
A GUST OF WIND BLOWS SAND INTO THE COCKPIT. HAMMOND SITS IMPASSIVELY.
SCENE: MAY'S DRIVING PALACE
>M: The Guard should make more of their IFVs like this. Sure, it's a bit less efficient but it would work wonders for rank morale. It can even be used to ward off your enemies. It won't work on bandits, Chaos or xenos, because they're just our adversaries. My enemies are those two.
>M (VOX TO CLARKSON): How is your cruddy suspension doing on all this rock?
>C (VOX TO MAY): If I hadn't bought this seat cushion, I'd have broken every bone in my body by now.
>M (VOX TO CLARKSON): Well, heads up, the rocks get bigger ahead. Better get your plaster casts ready.

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>>72413801
SCENE: CLARKSON'S "TANK" SHORTLY AFTERWARDS
CAMERA IS SHAKING AND SUBJECT TO A DEAFENING CLATTERING DIN
>C: [INAUDIABLE]
SCENE: HAMMOND'S COCKPIT
>H: Sanctum Flats is up ahead, lads.
>M (VIA VOX): Excellent. We can stop, have a break and inspect the damage.
>C (VIA VOX): [INAUDIABLE]
TRIO PULL UP ON SANCTUM SALT FLATS
>H: Blimey. I'm going to need stronger sunglasses here.
CLARKSON PICKS UP LUMP OF HALITE
>C: WHEN WE GET HOME, I'M GOING TO CELEBRATE WITH A NICE FISH AND CHIPS, AND I'M GOING TO CRUSH THIS UP AND PUT IT ON IT.
>M: No need to shout, Jeremy
>C: SAY AGAIN?
>M: I SAID, NO NEED TO SHOUT
>C: SORRY, I'VE GONE MOSTLY DEAF FROM THAT RACKET. ANYWAY, I WAS HOPING WE COULD USE THIS WONDERFUL FLAT LAND TO HAVE A DRAG RACE. HAMMOND, YOU'RE DISQUALIFIED.
>H: Pah.
>M: Well, we can't have a proper episode without a drag race, can we?
>C: EXCELLENT, BUT WE NEED SOME MOTIVATION. HOW ABOUT THE LOSER EATS THAT CHUNK OF SALT?
>H: Wait a minute. What's that vehicle over there? The camera crew are all driving Ridgerunners, but that's definitely something else.
>M: I think that's a Tauros. It's a glorified buggy with no charm, no presence, no proper engine, no weapon (this one at least) and no doors; and I pity the poor sod driving it. Looks like you'd better not break down.
>C: SHALL WE?
>M: He's only doing this because he thinks he'll win. I'll show him.
SCENE: START LINE
>M: Here we go. Clarkson shall be eating his own salt soon.
>H: Three! Two! One!
HAMMOND FIRES HEAVY STUBBERS ON ZERO
>M: Go! Go! Go!
>C: POWEEEEEEEEER!
CRASHING NOISES ARE HEARD FROM WITHIN MAY'S CABIN. A SEAT AND MUCH BROKEN CHINA FLY OUT THE BACK. A TREAD SLAT FLIES OFF.
CLARKSON BEGINS TO PULL AWAY
>M: He's getting away! Come on, come on!
>C: Yeeeeeees!
CLARKSON CROSSES LINE A COUPLE OF SECONDS AHEAD OF MAY
>M: Oh, cock.
>C: Hahahaha! The best tank reins supreme!
>H (VOX TO MAY): James, you seem to have lost most of your plates and furniture and partially disintegrated.
>M: Wonderful.
CUT

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>>72413830
>C: Lads, there's a wadi at the end of the flat, looks like it leads towards the butte. How about we drive in that, since I'll get hearing damage from five more minutes on those stones.
>M: I was getting a little tired of that myself. Lead the way, Hammond.
WADI MEANDERS THROUGH THE DESERT. WALLS BEGIN TO GET HIGHER.
>H: I say, this looks more like a canyon than a dry river now
>C: Well, we can't leave now, unless you want to turn around and go the bumpy route.
>M: I'm fine here, thank you.
WADI GETS DEEPER AND NARROWER
>M: I say we're not going to have room to turn our vehicles around soon.
>H: Well, we're there now. Not only have you two trapped yourselves in a canyon, you have driven straight INTO Ward's Butte the back way.
>M: You can keep going on your own, Jeremy. I'm going to find a way out.
>C: Whatever. You have no sense of adventure.
CLARKSON AND MAY EVENTUALLY CLIMB OUT VIA A SIDE CANYON SOME WAY BACK. LATE EVENING.
SCENE: CAMPSITE
>H: You sure about camping here? There's a lot of boulders around.
CLARKSON KICKS THE FACE OF WARD'S BUTTE
>C: Look, see? Rock solid. It'll stay here forever.
>M: Since all my plates were lost during your stupid drag race earlier, dinner will have to be on box lids. Fortunately, there's still enough chairs.
SCENE: MAY'S LOUNGE.
ALL THREE ARE DRINKING BEER WITH REAR END OPEN. DUSK.
>H: You know, this is actually quite nice.
>M: Enjoy it while you can, gentlemen. We've got dunefields tomorrow.
>C: You know, I'm amazed nothing has broken down yet.
>H: Don't say that!
SCENE: HAMMOND'S COCKPIT. NIGHT.
>H: MY BED'S FULL OF SAND!
FADE TO BLACK

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>>72413801
>>72413830
>>72413846
You just keep delivering, you glorious bastard!

>>72413830
Whoops, look like a bit got chopped off here

>C: Just eat it.
>M: This is going to be horrible isn't it?
MAY CRUNCHES THE SALT LUMP. HE CREASES INTO A LOOK OF DISGUST.
>M: Gyaaah, that's vile. Gack.
HAMMOND AND CLARKSON SMIRK
MAY FINISHES LUMP
>M: Got any water?
CUT

>>72414558
This is all great. Keep going if you can

Keeping it alive

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>>72325114
Last night I went onto the Noosphere and found this.

I should really start expanding my collection of Mechanicus related images

Bumpan

Bump

Bump again

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>>72419704
>>72421330
>>72422824
>not bumping with content
>not bumping with anything more interesting than 'bump'
Challenge yourselves.

bump

Whos the star and whats the reasonable priced car? I vote duke slisscuss and the vyper

Still waiting for Hammond to say hi to a Space Marine

>>72423042
the reasonably priced car I think would be a rhino

>>72423209
Either that or a Chimera. Something very bog-standard in any case.

By the way, you guys might want to be conservative with your bumps if you want it to be done in this thread. Very much appreciated, but we're approaching the bump limit and I've still got to finish the desert segment, Terra and cap it off.

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>>72413846
>>C: You know, I'm amazed nothing has broken down yet.
>>H: Don't say that!
I can hear it so clearly

>>72423042
>>72423209
>>72423232
Guys, they don't have guest stars in the specials.
Also when does May meet the Eldar?

>>72423568
I know that, we were just speculating on what it would be
he already did, the eldar gave them the challenge concerning the desert world

File: desert16.png (1.91 MB, 1920x1080)

1.91 MB PNG

>>72413846
>SCENE: CAMPSITE. SUNRISE, NOT HOT YET.
MAY WALKS OUT TO SEE HAMMOND AND CLARKSON UP
HAMMOND IS MISERABLY NURSING SOME RECAFF
>M: Morning, lads.
>H: Had a good night, did you?
>M: I did. Did you get out on the wrong side of bed?
>C: If he did, he'd get quite a shock from gravity.
>H: Get lost, both of you.
CUT
SCENE: MAY'S IFV
>M: Today, we're going to be heading through Dunefield 4E of Erg DD. It doesn't even have a name, just hundreds of miles of massive dunes and bugger all to appreciate if you don't like sand. They have to occasionally send people out to track the dunes, since they keep moving. Sand gets eroded off the stoss slope by--
CUT
--grainfall and grainflow form distinct alternating-colour layers within dune deposits, which you can see--
CUT
VEHICLES DRIVE UP AND DOWN SMALL DUNES
CLARKSON AND MAY WHOOP WHILE HAMMOND SKIPS ACROSS
SCENE: BASE OF HUGE DUNE
>C: That - is a big dune.
>M: Don't worry, it looks bigger and steeper than it is from down here.
>H (VIA VOX): I don't know, it looks pretty big from up here too. I'm as high as I can go and I'm only about a fifth of the way up.
>M: You go first, Jeremy.
>C: Watch and learn!
SCENE: CLARKSON'S "TANK"
>C: Here we go! Come on you brilliant machine, give me POWEEEEEER!
CLARKSON STARTS UP THE SLOPE
>C: Fortunately, the tracks here won't slip on grease, much less loose sand.
SCENE: BASE OF DUNE
>M: He's smoking. No wonder his engine is overheating like this in this weather doing that.
>H (VIA VOX): How long do we give him to notice?
>M: I say about twenty seconds
SCENE: CLARKSON'S "TANK"
>C: What's that burning smell? Oh [bleep], please not here. Pleeeeease not here!
ENGINE STOPS
>C: No!
SCENE: BASE OF DUNE
>M: He's stopped, and he barely even got halfway up. Good job, Jeremy.
SEVERAL MINUTES PASS
SCENE: CLARKSON'S "TANK"
CLARKSON CHECKS WATCH
>C: Right, it should be cool enough now. Let's give it a try.
ENGINE RESTARTS
>C: Yeeeees! Now, let's finish this!

File: shipwreck.jpg (1.08 MB, 1920x1080)

1.08 MB JPG

>>72425948
TANK CRESTS DUNE AND CAREENS AND SLALOMS DOWN THE OTHER SIDE
>C: Eeee-aaagh! Urine is coming out!
TANK REACHES THE BOTTOM. CLARKSON EXHALES AND RELAXES.
>C: Come on, James. It's a lovely trip.
SCENE: MAY'S IFV
>M: Unlike Jeremy, I shall be taking this slowly and carefully. Fortunately, I don't have anything loose in the back left to fall out or smash after that silly drag race of Jeremy's.
JAMES DRIVES UP THE DUNE OVER THE NEXT COUPLE OF MINUTES WITHOUT EVENT TO THE CREST
>M: Oo-er, that's a lot of sky. Careful now, careful.
MAY SLIDES TO A STOP NEXT TO CLARKSON
>M: And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you drive over a dune properly.
>C: James, that was phenomenally boring.
>M: Well, unlike you, I've done this properly, and I don't have a deathwish.
>C: You square. W've got hundreds of miles to cover today, you can't take everything slow.
>H (VIA VOX): Looks like the rest of the dunes are much smaller. Should be easier.
>C: You don't even have to deal with them, you smug git.
MONTAGE OF CLARKSON AND MAY DRIVING UP AND DOWN DUNE AFTER DUNE WHILE HAMMOND SKIMS OVERHEAD
TRIO HAVE DEPARTED THE DUNEFIELD. SAND IS LARGELY FLAT.
>H: There's something in the distance. Looks like a shipwreck of the space kind. A big one.
>M: Anyone want to have a look?
>C: You two can, I'm staying here in my air-conditioned palace.
>H: Suit yourself, it looks interesting. Can't tell what it is exactly.
MAY AND HAMMOND WALK ROUND THE SHIP
>M: Wonder what this used to be.
>H: Whatever it is, it's pretty beaten up and rusted. Looks old.
>M: Before you ask, no, I am not going in there.
HAMMOND AND MAY ROUND THE CORNER. TWO ASTARTES IN PSAMMITIC HAMMERS LIVERY ARE STANDING NEXT TO THEIR OWN SPEEDER. THEY LOOK TO THE DUO.
>H: Uh, hi.
>A1: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
>H: We're just passing by. The ship seemed like an interesting sight.
>M: What are you doing all the way out here, if I may ask?

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>>72425969
>A1: FIVE HUNDRED YEARS AGO, SEVERAL OF OUR BATTLE-BROTHERS GAVE THEIR LIVES TO DESTROY THIS WARBAND SHIP, THE "ONE MILLION THRONES", IN ORBIT. ONE WAS NEVER FOUND. WE ARE HERE TO SEARCH FOR THEIR REMAINS.
>A2: IT IS NOT SAFE FOR YOU HERE. YOU SHOULD GO.
>M: Then we shall be on our way, sirs.
CUT
>H: Well, that was an interesting encounter.
>M: I'm a tad disappointed we didn't get to explore a bit more, but five hundred years? They really don't give up, do they?
>H: I'm more relieved they didn't try and nick the Land Speeder back.
>C: Find anything interesting, gentlemen.
>M: Nope. Nothing at all.
SCENE: CAMPSITE IN A GROVE OF SCRUBBY TREES. LATE EVENING.
MAY WALKS IN BRANDISHING SOME PLANT
>M: Here, try sone
>C: What is it? Space celery?
>M: Very funny. It's nice, and it grows everywhere.
>H: You're not lying. It IS nice.
>C: I bet it'll taste better roasted on the fire.
>M: Jeremy, it's a succulent plant.
>C: Nonsense. Everything tastes better roasted.
SEVERAL MINUTES LATER
>C: My culinary masterpiece is done!
JEREMY TAKES A BITE, AND TOSSES IT
>H: Not tasty, was it?
>C: It was so tasty I didn't want to take another bite, so that I wouldn't have to go the rest of my life with nothing ever approaching it.
>M: We'll go with that. I'm going to bed. Enjoy your hovels.
>C: Excuse me, at least it's not pretentious.
>H: I'm sure it would be quite comfortable - so long as I shake the sand out this time.
>C: First thing I'm going to do when we arrive tomorrow is go to the pub.
>H: Jeremy, they don't HAVE pubs on Arenite.
>C: The ship's bar, then. Goodnight.

Bumprr

>>72428201
it's past bump limit. Hopefully this thread will be born anew when top-gear anon returns for more of his tales. This has all been saved by someone right?

>>72428227
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive.html?searchall=Top+Gear+in+a+very+special+episode

>>72426056
>>C: I bet it'll taste better roasted on the fire.
>>M: Jeremy, it's a succulent plant.
>>C: Nonsense. Everything tastes better roasted.
>SEVERAL MINUTES LATER
>>C: My culinary masterpiece is done!
>JEREMY TAKES A BITE, AND TOSSES IT
>>H: Not tasty, was it?
>>C: It was so tasty I didn't want to take another bite, so that I wouldn't have to go the rest of my life with nothing ever approaching it.
my fucking sides

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>>72328171
>>Hammond is a Ratling.
And one that is extremely fussy with his food.

This has been a epic bread, hope petrolfag makes a new thread and finishes the journey.

>>72428227
>it's past bump limit.
Bump limit is 310

Last stop is Terra, right?

Bump

>>72404587
>>72404189
>>72404587
This is the most disgusting thing...IN THE WORLD.

>>72404681
>>72404650
>>72416253
>>72416201

Hey >>72431297 you missed some.