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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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>Be me
>Be Krieger
>Administratum fucked up and sent my platoon and a catachan platoon to the newly rejoined pleasure world Happy Ending Prime
>This place sucks
>Those tarzan wannabes agree
>Some lucky platoons of guardsmen probably are fighting in a massive battle over an important forge world or agri world
>Meanwhile I get stuck twiddling my emperor damn thumbs while the administratum fixes this fuck up
>Marching around the stupidly beautiful beach we were stationed near
>This is my punishment for not praising the fuhrer enough this morning
>Be catachan jungle fighter
>Be put on an emperor damned pleasure world
>No one on this shitty rock has ever seen combat that wasn't some pansy ass sword duels
>No one even gets hurt during them!
>The closest thing we get to a jungle is if the grass isn't cut
>We even tried getting jungle foot a few times but this place is so emperor damn clean all we do is what the locals call "exfoliation"
>The fish in the water do bite but all they do is eat dead skin or some shit
>Now everyone has lost their damned calluses
>Fuck this planet
>And fuck whoever sent us here
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>Be Tzeench
>Manipulate some jackass in the anathemas administratum into sending Kriegers and catachans to a pleasure world
>Slaanesh says that it was his idea but screw her
>The planet doesn't even have a slaaneshi cult on it!
>Just as planned, just as planned!
>Be slaanesh
>Decide to fuck tzeentchs overly complicated cock block of a plan
>Whisper in the minds of a noise marine
>Tell him of Happy Ending
>Tell him to go there and bring my pleasure to them or some other pretentious bullshit
>Lie back and watch the inevitable fireworks laced with coke and warp dust
>Be trooper 193988
>Patrolling some city on Happy Ending Prime with buddies from my platoon
>There aren't even any landmines on the streets
>Get in an argument with local arbites officer
>Apprarently we can't "Dig fucking trenches in a park"
>Give the fucker a taste of my shovel
>We shall fortify this position
>Be arbite
>Be telling these guardsman they can't dig trenches in civilian areas
>He hits me with a shovel
>It dinks off my helmet
>Bash him with shock maul
>It won't kill him but it'll leave him the biggest black eye...black everything of his life
>Be child
>Be playing in sandbox making sand castles
>Some grown up wearing weird cloths walks over
>He tells me my fortification is terrible and sits down in the sand box
>He starts making his own sand castles
>Be Imperial Governor of the Blessed by His Glory Happy Ending Prime
>Requested new gardeners to the Administratum
>Got a bunch of psycho instead.
>They get into trouble with the guests and the Arbites.
>Have to find a solution quickly
>Command the Kriegers to build a specific trench system to occupy them
>Order the Catachan to improve the camouflage of the area.
>Truth is now my new garden is going underway. The bushes and canals will look really nice.
>Be catachan jungle fighter
>Me and my squad get told to set up camo
>It was that or plant catachan plants
>Couldn't hear the governor that well
>I can't understand pretentious dicks all that well
>Ne trooper 193988
>Arbite wasn't cooperative
>buddies stop digging and they fry the Arbite with their lasguns
>use his corpse to reinforce the fortification
>where is gunter?
>look around, he's instructing some child on proper trench building
Either they're going to send us back on the frontline or we'll turn this city into one
>Be inquisitor
>Hears information of daemonic incursions in Happy Ending
>My summer villa!
>Arrives, trenchs and camo on my villa
>Charge Governor of heresy
> be me, Slaaneshi Noise Marine Champion
> Sitting on a reinforced lawn chair drinking excessive amounts of party liquor.
> this was a wonderful idea for a vacation.
> sigh in relaxation at the waves washing up on shore.
> Hear digging out there.
> lift shades to see some fucking gas mask wearing assholes digging trenches on my shore.
> areyouserious.vox
> rouse the lads.
> about sixty space marines look up from what they're doing to see the guardsmen.
> stand up and chuck a bottle of liquor at them
> can't be fucking bothered to do anything more until they start shooting.
> I'm on vacation dammit.
>Be child digging with the weird masked men
>Look up and see people in cool armor
>Are these those space Marines my governor uncle told me about?
>This is the first time I've left my family's mansion castle
>Walk over to the space marines
>They're playing music
>It makes my head hurt a little but it's amazing
>ask if they can show me how to play that music
>The one that looks like the leader glances at me and points a thumb towards the other marines
>One of the ones with less impressive armor yells Yes at me
>He started muttering about pleasing slaanesh with a shota convert or something like that and about gaining favor
>What is a slaanesh?
>be Valhallan Ice Warrior
>Deployed to some shit ass pleasure world
>This place is fucking hot
>My squadmates are being fryed alive
>fuck the administratum
>that's what i get for not dying in the name of stalin
>Be me
>Some Krieger who forgot his own number
>Get hit with a bottle
>REEEEEEEEE uncontrollably
>Toss several krak grenades back in autistic fury
> be slaaneshi noise marine champion.
> some kid's looking at me asking about the music.
> I look down at him, he looks up at me with innocent little eyes, shudder inside of my armor.
> oh dark gods no.
> I do NOT need the inquisition knocking on my door.
> point him to stefan.
> he mutters something about shotas.
> too relaxed to give a shit.
> nobody liked stefan anyway.
> a krak grenade lands at my feet.
> look at the screeching krieger.
> oh it's ON.
> yell for the lads to arm up, they draw their weapons, ranging from bolt pistols, machetes, to.... a marital aid shaped like a pineapple.
> what the fuck wiggum?
> draw twin plasma pistols and fire at the kriegers.
>Be Krieger Krak
>Known for krak-based shenanigans
>Charge at douchebag with two plasma pistols
>Wildly flail my shovel in the air, with several krak grenades attached
>Be me
>Imperial pencil-pusher, finally saved up enough emperorbucks to visit pleasure world
>finally step off shitty cramped ship
>immediately assaulted by 9 foot tall gay man in assless pink armor
>fuck pleasure worlds
> be me noise marine champion.
> moonwalk my way out of the flailing shovel and kick the krieger in the crotch.
> do a handstand and launch myself out of the blast radius.
> hear a loud explosion go off behind me. Don't bother to look at it, in accordance with EC code 1449: "cool guys don't look at explosions"
>Be Valhallan
>See nazis figthing half naked space marines
>time to help our german comrades in battle
>rally squad up and charge the chaos marines
>Be Krieger Krak
>Oh Emperor Oh Fuck Oh Emperor Oh Fuck
>My arm is gone, I did not anticipate this
>Luckily, with no balls, I recover quickly
>Tactical weakness purged
>Begin using severed arm as a melee weapon
>The sharp end of my bone exposed from my arm makes a perfect weapon to jam into a throat
>Jam into throat of assless gay man
>Just like the Commissar taught me in the porta-potty
>Be Random Krieger
>Digging trench
>See my brothers fighting some gay-ass looking big niggas
>Continues digging proper fortified positions
>I'm not paid enough beer to deal with walking dildos
>Be trooper 193988
>Just finished my part of the trench
>look at my creation
>Arbites corpse makes a perfect substitiute for a sandbag
>bottle of liquor lands on what remained of arbites face and spilled all over my precious trench
>look at the direction from which it came
>see some fancy ass palace with pillars and what n...
>by the gottfuhrer, that balcony will make a wünderful firing position
>decide to go and ask nicely if we can fortify it
>remember what the therapist said
>knock on the door and wait
>doors opened by an astarte
>entirely covered in cocaine so can't see the chapter symbols
>tells me to fuck of and closes the door on my face
>see a vine leading to the balcony
>climb the vine and successfully capture the balcony without any enemy resistance
>See two massive piles of cocaine and some weird shrine to gottfuhrer
>but there are two weird cirles and a stick instead of gottfuhrer
>knock it over and place my lasgun on it, it will serve the gottfuhrerreich better this way
> be me slaaneshi noise marine
> someone just tried to jam their arm through my throat.
> nani.jojo
> whirl around to see an angry armless krieger.
> you gotta be fucking kidding me.
> someone knocks on the door to our stole- BORROWED, mansion.
> does he.... seriously not see what's going on right now?
> is he fucking blind.
> pick up the krieger and throw him at his armed brother.
> tear the arm out of the my throat and throw it at him as well.
> take aim and fire with plasma pistol.
> then someone yells at me about the angry russians.
> dammit, where'd all the hot russian and german chicks go?
> why are there only angry dudes on this planet?
>be Valhallan
>charging at the living dildos alongside my comrades and tanks
>Be Krieger Krak
>Whhhheeeeeeeeee, I'm flying!
>Hit wall
>Rise, be thankful any broken bones that could have occurred were in the arm I no longer possess
>Run towards that pink fuck, arms are unnecessary now
>They were only weighing me down
>Kick him in the shins, detonating the krak grenade in my boot
>Oh fuck forgot about that
>Be colonel 186497618764888451
>Be on Vraks
>where the fuck is the 984652th platoon?
>be me
>grain of sand on the beach of a pleasure planet
>nothing happens
>life is good
>Be Valhallan
>glorious IS-2 made out of pure stalinium fires it's gun
>AP shell deletes a noise marine
>continue rushing B
> be me noise marine.
> my foot is gone.
> his legs are gone.
> why the hell is this idiot still trying to attack me? All of his limbs are gone.
> hear russians charging at us with tanks.
> oh fuck tanks.
> realization.png
> one of them fires a shot, and deletes wiggum.
> his antics shall be missed by no one.
> let out a long gang whistle, and a roar sounds in response.
> out from the back of our borrowed mansion come a motherfucking mechanical dragon.
> I can't remember what it's called but it reeks of awesomeness and cocaine.
> it lets loose a gout of warpfire at the fucking ruskis.
>Be trooper 193988
>wait, what's that screeching?
>Some plasma bolt destroyed half of my new firing position
>see my platoon buddies fight some pink astartes
>oh great, the unterme.. Bolsheviks are here too
>see one of the pink astartes step on the head of my arbite-sandbag
>lost my lasgun somewhere
>Grab the shrine to gottfuhrer
>jump down the balcony
>charge the heretics with a holy screech
>Be planetary governor's nephew
>Everyone starts shooting everyone
>Nice space marine that was showing me how to use the music guns yelled Pocket Sand when everyone started shooting and threw some power in my face
>Now everything tastes purple and I hear voices
>The loudest voice keeps calling me cute and tells me to show everyone my music
>The second loudest keeps telling Not as planned
>The third keeps telling me to sneeze on everything
>The least loudest wants me to punch everyone
>decide to listen to the nice one
>Grab a music guns off the ground
>Aim at one of the masked men and pull the trigger
>He starts laughing and jelly leaks from him

>Be noise blasted Krieger
>Some kid on warp dust just shot me with a chaos gun
>Scream my head off as my organs pop and eardrums bleed from the blast
>I die the way no Krieger should
>Be random valkyrie pilot
>Vox comms chatter from sudden moment
>"FORM 573491-B"
>prepare sunglasses.exe
Just a relaxing evening
>Be Inquisitor
>Bringing Governor on board for questioning
>Krieg arm hits me in the back of the head
>Sees Noise Marines
>Calls the nearest fleet to put these heretics down
>be me
>inquisitor kyle
>sipping monster energy in my ship
>watching for signs of heresy on Happy Ending Prime
>feel tired, decide to catch some sleep
>nothing ever happens here after all
>fall asleep for a few hours
>wake up, look out viewport
>entire city burning to the ground, giant flaming symbol of slaanesh visible from space
>loud as fuck music audible from space
>how the fuck does that even work
>slap exterminatus button
>party streamers come out of cannons
>forgot it was planetary governor's birthday yesterday
>fucks sake
>Be Krieger Krak
>Life is pain
>But I am not dead
>Still haven't served the Emperor
>Must redeem my people
>Let out a weak call for my brothers
>Four assemble around me
>Trooper 6787 becomes my right leg
>Trooper 6778 becomes my left leg
>Engineer 1235 and 1248 are now my arms
>Arise from the ground
>Time to finish this
>Use my stumps to kick my comrades to know when to move
>Always wanted to pilot a mech
>Be Valkyrie Pilot
>sunglasses are missing
>decide to kindly ask homeship to dock
>gets shot out of the void
> be me, slaaneshi noise marine.
> everyone is fighting everyone.
> even the governor's nephew is in on it.
> suddenly a shadow looms over me.
> take aim with my plasma pistols, and fire at the "legs" of the "mech"
> by slaanesh what the fuck is today?
> I just wanted to drink, snort some drugs and fuck some bitches.
> now I'm fighting a human voltron on the beach!
>be valhallan
>tanks are running over chaos marines
>bayonetes a heretic at the place his dick was supposed to be
>no effect
>calls for air support
>command says Pe-8 is on it's way
>realyse im still in melee range from a noise marine
>Stalin please protect me
>Be Krieger Krak
>See Trooper 6778 explode into red mist
>I never got to express my love for you
>Another call yields me a new leg from the crowd of Kriegers
>Two kriegers lay down flat and hold hands
>Pick them up with two hands
>Challenge Pink Boi to a final battle
> be slaaneshi noise marine.
> krieger has turned two of his fellow kriegers into some form of club.
> fucking idiots in the tank fail to realize we're wearing power armor.
> Pick up a log and prepare to duel the kriegers to the death.
> clash with the krieg-tron
> dragons and daemons are spawning in now.
> tanks are running over marines and marines are bench pressing tanks.
> what even is today?
>Be trooper 193988
>be charging into the fight when some weird iron lizard destroyed the mansion
>its good distance behind me so don't bother
>see Krak transform into some sort of mech
>its truly a miracle of gottfuhrer caused by my shrine
>i've been blessed by gott
>it glows pink
>Hit the closet astartes with the shrine
>Be Krak
>Clash blades with this noisy boy
>The fuck is a dark god?
>Thought he was just a fag
>Swing to dissect this cringy pink fucking weeaboo
>Top Krieger of human zweihander holds two shovels in each hand, for enhanced cutting power
>be Valhallan
>drops rifle and rubs to the back of the charge
>grab some comrades on the way
>it is time for the ritual comrades
>put 5 bottles of vodka on the ground , forming a pentagram
>put a hammer and a sickle on the middle of the pentagram
>Stalin starts materializing in the vodka pentagram
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>Be Krieg trooper 19401488
>Get sent to paradise world full of young women
>They're not as beautiful as my shovel
>Cherish shovel greatly
>Hit beach walker with shovel as she tries to seduce me and taint me with slaaneshi corruption
>Be watchmaster 549
>sent my unit to patrol the closest city
>be bored
>if only there was some fight to sacrafice myself in
>they should've been back an hour ago
>this planet sucks
>be Valhallan
>comrade stalin was summoned upon the battlefiel
>he then summons a KV-2 , grabs the hammer and sickle and charges at the krieger mech and chaos champion
> be me slaaneshi noise marine.
> block shovel sword thing, with log.
> why the fuck am I dueling a krieger mech with a log?
> get whacked by slaaneshi shrine.
> some krieger standing behind me with a shrine.
> duck under krieger swing.
>Hear faint blyating
>Oh fucks sake
>Our ancestral Terran nemesis
>Forget this pink pansy
>For you, Papa Rommel
>Push past the pink marine and begin charging the reincarnated spirit of Stalin
>Pure speed
>Pure energy
>Kriegers form into a massive entrenching tool-shaped pretzel
>Be Stalin
>chaos marine thinks he can take the people's goods
>now you did it.USSR
>Charges the marine and hits his head with the hammer
>Be Krieg soldier
>Got sent on patrol
>This place sucks
>Not a single damn thing shooting at my squad
>Patrol takes a turn into some flashy building with the thrones symbol in neon lighting outside
>Citizen at the front desk says we can't take out weapons inside the casino
>Bash him over the head with my trench club
>Walk inside and sit down
>Maybe someone will know if there's a gang around to go shoot or something
>Citizen wearing a dumb little green visor throws me two cards
>They add up to 19
>He asks if i stay
>I'm not going anywhere
He gave me a bunch of thrones after that for some reason. Paradise worlds are weird.
>Be governor's shota nephew
>A dragon flies over my head
>It's sprinkling white powder that feels like the stuff that was thrown in my face
>Pink ladies with crab claws or tentacles show up
>Keep making the masked men happy with my music
>Some of the space marines give me thumbs up and others tell me good job
>I'm glad I left the family mansion castle
>be PDF General
>get reports of krieger mech fighting slaneshii cultists
>it's just like the last time
>send call for reinforcements
>they arrive werdly fast
>It's the...
Oh no... Not them
>be me
>Nye' Ggell Fragga
>Got me WAAAAGH!!! started
>got me bois in da' back
>see diss pretty planet
>it too pretty
>me'z hates it
>we'z gunna WAAAAAAGH!! dis' 'ere planet an' make mor' dakka
> be me slaaneshi noise marine.
> look up to see giant old man with a moustache attacking me with a hammer.
> krieger intercepts and hits him in the stomach.
> now's my fucking cue.
> see the kid with my sonic cannon.
> this ain't no place for a child.
> grab him and run the fuck away.
>Be stalin
>nazis are trying to get revange from that time they got raped
>cuts nazi mech's off with sickle
>Be Krak
>Stalin must die
>Communism is death
>Only the Kaiser must rule
>Punch him right in his Kursk bulge
>Be trooper 193988
>gottfuhrer has been talking to me through the shrine
>it tastes pink
>He said that the pink astartes are good
>thank the gott and run the fuck
away with the slaneshii marines
>Be Pe-8 pilot
>bomber report's that there is a clusterfuck happening down there , comrade stalin is also there
>drops 5 Ton bomb upon the battlefield
>Be Stalin , gets punched in the dick by nazi mech
>glorious 5 ton bomb falling from the sky
>grab bomb in the air
>hit nazi mech with 5 ton bomb
>Be governor's nephew
>Start coming down
>Start freaking out and pass out
>Drop my music gun
>Be Krieger Krak
>Always loved explosions
>The bigger, the better
>This is the best way to go
>Embrace my end
>Dozens of krak grenades litter the bodies of my mechanized meatbody
>I will not go alone
>Hear an roaring explosion
>Then see the whitest light
>The end, so beautiful
>Finally some rest
>Be Fab-5000
>Stalin used me to hit a fucking krieger
>wipes out all life within a 250m radius
>sadly comrade stalin also died
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> be me slaaneshi noise marine.
> that was the single most retarded thing I've ever seen.
> and I've seen lucius the eternal snort a line of warp dust off a midget's balls.
> keep running.
> give the kid some more warp dust.
> always do drugs.
> it helps with the pain.
>Be governor's nephew
>Space marine puts more fun time powder in my face
>Wake up
>Look at all the amazing things happen
>My whole everything hurts for some reason
>be deldar raiding fleet
>See mon'kiegh planet
>See the symbol of She Who Thirsts on the planet
>Fuck off back to commoragh
>Be Amelie Rosier
>Be junior lifeguard on paradise world
>Bunch of Imperial Guard show up and start digging trenches in the beach
>There has been rumors of unrest in the area but had no idea it was this bad
>Good thing we have such great imperial heroes here to protect us
>Hmmm, digging trenches in full gear must be hard
>Tell the nearest waitress to bring a tray of chilled spring water
>Put my lifeguard t-shirt on over my bathing suit to look more professional
>Go over to ask if they need help
Hi! I am Amelie, do yo-
>Everything goes black
>Your head hurts, shaking, vision blurred
>The world is moving around you, and you cannot move
>As your vision clears, a blonde stranger smiles to you. His hands are bound.
Hey. You're finally awake.
fuck off ralof
>Be Captain Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
>Be posted on to the pleasure world "Happy Ending" with remnants of my regiment
>It is about time that we finally get posted somewhere nice after being sent to a frozen shithole, another frozen shithole, then a desert hellhole
>Manage to convince my commanding officer to put me in charge of administrative duties, blackmailed some trooper to do them for me instead, then stole a guest bracelet for the nearest resort
>Currently lying on a beech chair, sipping a pina colada made with 300 year old amasec
>Best posting ever!
>See two PDF troopers run by looking scared as fuck
>They are talking about a Slaaneshi uprising and unconfirmed reports of noise marines
>be me
>inquisitor Kyle
>still staring at battle out of my viewport
>fucking cannons were loaded with confetti
>can’t shoot my hot exterminatus load over this planet
at least I still have my monster energy
>Be Colonel 112006 "Death 6" of Krieg
>Placed on some backwater by the Administratum
>No enemy in sight
>Logic therefore states they must be hiding
>Enemies can't hide from artillery for long
>Need somewhere to direct artillery
>Get reports about Chaos activity on the planet
>Direct Watchmasters to prepare for bombardment
>Be Krieger 112
>Sit in radioactive ruins of a beach
>No one can ruin my trenches now
>Not even Krak
>Grenade-loving bastard
>All to myself
>My empire of dirt
>be psyker
>be praying to the dark god slaanesh
>see a noise marine carrying a near unconscious child towards me
>kid is higher than the horse of Jack off from terra
>kid gets shoved into my arm and many tentacles
>get yelled at to take care of the kid
>tell the noise marine that he can trust me, for my name is Pedo Filet
>for some reason the noise marine gives me a glare, tells me he's watching me and charges off to battle
>summon a couple daemons and hand the kid off to them
"Merry late Slaaneshmas."
>they seem overjoyed
>they keep calling him a cute shota and saying how they must protect him
>i have no idea
>apparently it's big in tau space
>go back to doing warpy stuff to the loyalists
> be me, Slaaneshi Noise marine Champion/
> welp, vacation is ruined now.
> might as well conquer this world in the name of slaanesh.
> sigh and break out the power armor and the lube.
> let's fucking do this.
> head back to where my lads were.
> the only thing alive is the dragon thing.... and stefan, who's chanting we are number one atop a pile of corpses.
> why is it him?
> get on the dragon.
> time to get more sla- I mean converts, to the glorious gluttony of our god.
> blast off atop the dragon spewing warp dust and awesomeness.
>Be me
>Now we have a shota
>Oh, the plans we have
>We have such pain to show you
>Like these hats you need to try on
>Look at him, he's adorable
>Can't decide on a perfect hat
>Be Chad McBroface
>Champion of Slaanesh-Bro and leader of the Coalition of Underdressed Nymphos, Tiki Statues, Narcos, Beach Bums, Chads and Stacies (C.U.N.T.S.N.B.B.C.S)
>Abusing position of Junior Beech Activity Coordinator to recruit some laaayydiieesss to a "special celebration" tonight
>Suddenly get word that some noise marines have shown up on the planet
>It is time........................TO PARTY!!!!!!!!!
>Run over to buddy Shad McDudebro
You like hear, like what's going on man?
It's like, time to accelerate our plans dude
>Shad hits the remote to detonate the explosives we carefully hid beneath the city for the past couple of months
>From the air it apparently forms the holy symbol of the great Bro-God himself: Slannesh-Bro
>It also sets fire to the stockpiles of obscura, weed, cocaine, warp dust, opium, shrooms, and other miscellaneous substances, filling the air with all sorts of FUN inducing fumes
This is like, the proudest moment of my life, dude
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>Be shota governor nephew
>Nice pinkish purple ladies keep giving me more fun time powder
>They also give me nice cloths
>They remind me of the ones I have at home
>See one of them has a weird symbol
>Remember seeing it in my uncle's mega castle
>Tell the nice ladies about it
>For some reason this makes them happy
>Be 112
>Take off mask, not like anyone can discipline me for it now
>Air smells funny
>Colors are tasting really good
>Sand tastes like children's tears
>Delicious, finally, some good fucking food
>Be Daemonette
>Pat the shota
>He looks adorbs in that little top hat
>Hope Slaanesh will let me keep this one
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>Be 112006 "Death 6" of Krieg
>Artillery sighted
>Targets aren't even hiding it anymore
>Fire Mission
>Adjust for Fire
>Five Earthshakers, four Heavy Mortars, and one Medusa Cannon fire in concert
>See explosions
>Not ours
>City is getting demolished
>Forms the symbol the least inventive Chaos God
>Call for artillery to reload and sight on on city
>Time to show the Krieg definition of attrition
>Call rest of Kriegers
>"Regroup. Break. City is hostile. Break. Purge. Commence with the Emperor's Mercy. Over."
>Be 112
>Hear signal to regroup
>Don't, I think that lifeguard skeleton is flirting with me
>My chance for love is here
>Be slaanesh
>One of my daemonettes wants to keep a shota
"Sure why not."
"But only if you convert him. Shouldn't be too hard."
>Be Daemonette
>Praise my Prince of Pleasure for allowing me this sweet boi
>Lace his food with some extra of that good white stuff and tell him the wonders of Slaanesh
>Put on a sweater for laughs
>Now I am Daemonmom
>Nice pink lady gives me different powder
>It makes the food she gave me taste amazing
>She tells me about slaanesh
>Those elder people sound stupid.
>Be Daemonmom
>Not torturing something is nice
>Maybe those mortals aren't too bad
>Nah, they suck. This one is just perfect.
>Feed him more powders, happiness is paramount
>Sanity is irrelevant
>He deserves happiness
>Not artillery shelling
>Stupid Kriegers
>bust out the hyperbinoculars
>stare at planet from orbit
>kriegers are here
>shelling the city
>thank the Emperor
>giant mech appears made from dead kriegers
>take big sippy of green juice
>gas mask fuckers start shelling the city even more
>Be Chad McBroface
>See a magic dragon fly by spewing warp dust
>Chest bump Shad McDudebro
>Jump into the Bro-Buggy (dune buggy with a heavy stubber attached to it)
>Drive off in pursuit
>Also see Stacy O'Selfie following behind on Dildocorn (a horse with a dildo attached to its forehead)
>Followed by Bro McBroBro in the Party Van, and several other C.U.N.T.S.N.B.B.C.S members in assorted vehicles
>Be Colonel 112006 "Death 6" of Krieg
>City shows signs of widespread Chaos
>Kriegers not responding to summons
>Head to estate of Planetary Governor in Salamnder
>Must instate martial law
>Might need PDF
>Like that time with the Necrons
>Barge in, guards won't stop me
>Pass by Governor's nephew
>Kid has a fucking Daemon whore feeding him powdered drugs
>Stop... stare with my blank mask that has perfectly matches my soul
>Walk out
>Get safe distance in Salamander
>Fire Mission
>Get on vox
>Adjust for Fire
>Governor's Estate
>Fire for Effect
>Use everything
>Martial Law get
>Be Amelie Rosier
>What the fug is going on?
Am I dead?
>Be 112
>Yes, you are
>But your skeleton will do
>Be Daemonmom
>Take child to Palace of Slaanesh
>Lots more of the fun powder here, way stronger too
>Time to corrupt me a son
>be me
>inquisitor kyle
>zoom hyperbinoculars even more
>see fat noise marine ass
>zoom out, see gas cucks aiming mortars n shit at mansion
>vox krieg leader
“aye bruh what’s goin on down there”
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>be rogue trader
>got news that some planetary governor's kid or something like that was kidnapped
>can hear the thrones rubbing together already
>arrive at Happy Ending Prime
>have my lucky victory cup in hand
>see the governor's estate get fucked
>Be Colonel 112006 "Death 6" of Krieg
>Governor Estate in ruins
>Call from an Inquisitor
>Prep my poker face
>My normal face is my poker face
>"Inquisitor, it is this officer's duty to inform you that direct sighting of daemon infestation in the Governor's Estate was made. Royal family were heretics. Immediate and decisive action was taken. The Emperor Protects. Over"
>Order Watchmasters to vox the PDF and let them know of the Martial Law
>Request Commissars to round up the Kriegers that did not respond to the summons
>Likely a comms issue
>Commissars: "If they don't?"
>Me: "Then do your duty."
>Vox back to the Inquisitor
>"FOB Cock Block established. Preparing for siege of Happy Ending. Send reinforcements."
>Be Krieger 99999
Sir we have started operation Glory Hole! I repeat, we have started operation Glory Hole on Happy Ending!
>be inquisitor kyle
>Krieger answers in that creepy fucking monotone voice
>daemonette in the estate
>asks for reinforcements
“aight homie u got it”
>vox 96.8 Death Korps Radio
“But before we get back to the music, Unit 44558, we have one more call from a listener.”
“hey-uh, yeah, Happy ending pleasure planet is under siege from slaaneshi cultists and apparently there’s a lot of daemons there or something. heres ur chance to die for the Emperor boys kthx”
“We’ll be over in a minute.”
>hang up
>Stupid kriegers never pass up a chance to kill themselves
>hit up krieg colonel like I was too afraid to do with stacy
“you got those reinforcements bruh”
>chug monster as I wait for more kriegos to arrive to arrive
>Be new Krieg recruit
>Got sent to some beach paradise world after an Administratum fuck up along with the rest of my platoon
>Planetary Governor's mansion blew up or some shit
>Can't really be bothered to care as i took a wrong turn in the poor district and stumbled upon a drug ring who are also slaanesh worshipers
>Crouch behind some crates to eavesdrop
>Standard issue shovel fell off my belt and they heard it
>In a giant fist fight with a bunch of junkie cultists
I could use some assistance.
>Be Captain Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
>Still sitting in my beech beach chair, trying to decide on the best course of action
>Beach ball flies out of no where, hitting me in the face
God-Emperor Dammit!!!!
>A young couple appears in front of me
You wanna play some beach ball?
>Notice they have marks of Slaanesh tattooed on their bodies
>Luckily I was 11th place in a dueling championship back in officer's college
>Unfortunately I am unarmed
>Time to improvise
>Knee the man hard in the groin before he has a chance to realize I know what they are
>Throw handful of sand in the woman's face
>Hear a lifeguard whistle
No throwing sand!!!!
>Look over, it is a daemonette wearing a lifeguard's uniform
>Flee immediate area
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>"Roger. Commencing with operation Glory Hole. Net call, net call. Death 99999, this is Death 6 actual. Make contact with the Catachan and get them on our vox frequency. Bring a Commissar with you as a liaison. May the Emperor guide you. Over."
>Sighting of cultists chasing civilian population on the beach
>Order the Medusa Cannon to resight onto the beach
>"Provide civilian with suppressive fire."
>Medusa Cannon booms in response
>Rest of artillery shelling the city
>Some land in the poor district
>Turn towards Executive Officer
>"Prepare the recaff. I think we shall have company soon."
>Be Amelie Rosier
>The wagon I am sitting in launches off into the sky at a steep angle, I fall out, landing badly since my hands are for some reason tied behind my back
>I am back on the beach, but now there are pine trees and mountains everywhere
>I look up, just in time to see the flying wagon incinerated by a fire breathing flying locomotive
>The first disembodied voice says "fuck off ralof" again
>Eighty foot llamas stride past me, their giant ball-sacks drag along the ground, crushing the trees and mountains and turning the landscape into endless beach sand as far as the eye can see
>I turn around, there is a Guardsman fondling a skeleton wearing my clothes
>The second disembodied voice also speaks again "You are dead, but your skeleton will do"
>The skeleton makes a horrid rattling noise, then leans forward to kiss the Guardsman
>I told my hands out in front of me, they are grey, then brown, then covered with fur, then covered with scales, then replaced with dildos
>Wait, weren't my hands tied behind my back earlier?
>And then they were again
>This is either a really bad acid trip, or the afterlife is much shittier than I was led to believe
>get catachanese regiment
>for fucks sake
>used to get bullied by Sergeant Johnson and his gang of mean catachan kids back in elementary
>sergeant was literally his name
>parents were retarded
>have to get them anyways, otherwise planet is completely lost
>rub command console in hopes a genie will come out so I can wish for exterminatus
>stop doing it when I realize I look like an autist
>vox the catachans
“Aye boys inquisitor kyle here; i need u to get on the same frequency as the krieg regiment”
“What did you say your name was? Carol? That’s pretty gay”
>sound of high fives in the background
>fucking hate catachans
>eventually get them on the same frequency
>supposed to meet them on the surface in ten minutes and bring them to kriegers
>turn my hiveball cap backwards
this is gonna suck ass
>be random civilian
>look at the devestation being caused by these pink marines playing music
>tell at the top of my lungs
"I challenge your champion to a rock off!!"
>the fighting stops
>everyone is looking at me
>some drugged up kid shoots me with a music blaster before being picked up by a daemonette and taken to the warp or something
>fighting starts back up
>im dead now
>i even had an ancient terran guitar ready for the rock off
>touch down on ground with Comissar, met with large burly tanned guy with a handlebar mustache and the rest of the catachans
>they look exactly like him
>even the women
“ok, so, like, the death korps are over at the planetary governor’s mansion; we gotta get there or else the whole planet starts suckin n fuckin itself into oblivion”
“like we did with your mom last night?”
>more high fives
>start marching, catachans constantly calling me a beta male
>make it to manor finally
>krieg leader is there
>he’s fucking tall
>feel self conscious for being 5’5”
“hey dude here’s the guys you wanted”
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>Be Tiki Statue
>Long ago, the natives of this world trapped the essences of powerful daemons within giant wood carved statues
>For millennia we have been trapped here, but soon, the death and debauchery from the drug vapor and mortar bombardment fueled chaos will set us free
not dying on me thread
Goodnight /TG/
night bro
>Be trooper 193988
>My weird shrine to gottfuhrer now told me to go find a place of worship
>see some fansy ass basillica
>come in and show my shrine to a priest
>mfw he starts glowing pink and then dies
>but dat ass tho
>i must show it to my watchmaster,
>he will know what to do
>go to death korps field hq
>Be Tiki Statue
>A bunch of beach goers are having a rave that is quickly becoming a drug fume fueled orgy
>It is only a matter of time before I am finally free...
>Someone's dog relieves itself against my leg
>I am going to remember that bitch
> be me slaaneshi noise marine champion.
> be flying around in dragon made of awesome.
> anyway
> flying around on bambi the robotic dragon
> burning shit and spreading cocaine fueled happiness.
> people are enjoying life down on the ground
> by slaanesh it's beautiful.
> continue flying, firing plasma pistol and looking for hot chicks to pick up.
> how can you not pick up chicks with a dragon?
>Be trooper 1119
>dragon, pink marines and krak mech all ran away or died
>use krak mechs corpse to reinforce the position
>only me, lads from platoon and our trenchline
>want to vox the colonel
>krak mech ate the voxcaster
The park has ben successfully patrolled
>Be Tiki Statue
>Stomp over to rave and inhale deeply
>The souls of the unworthy are sucked into the warp, to please Slaanesh for the rest of eternity, their bodies reduced to withered husks
>The bodies of the worthy are transformed to be more pleasing to the Dark Prince, some even changing into daemonettes, fiends, and steeds
>They continue raving like nothing happened
>A tank shell bounces off my head before detonating in the air
>Growl and annihilate a nearby Leman Russ with a bolt of warp lightning
>All around me the bay echoes with dark laughter as other statues come to life as well
>It is good to be back
>Be 112
>Have crab claws now
>This is fun
>But this skeleton tastes awful
>be tzeentch
>slaanesh ruined my plan
>this will not stand
>or maybe it will
>what even is standing?
>does this planet even exist?
>who knows
>what i do know is that im sending those sandbags of mine to happy ending
To the top
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Bumping for an exterminatus
>Be Colonel 112006 "Death 6" of Krieg
>Inquisitor seems to be getting the Catachan for us instead of my own troopers
>Reinforcements should be inbound
>Order Regiment Quartermaster to close down the trees in the gardens to use as Landing Zone
>Seeing a dragon with an odd person atop of it, firing plasma around
>That'll fuck with my reinforcements
>Also that's heresy
>Order Hyrda Cannons to take aim
>Order them to fire
>Park appears under our control, but they're not responding to vox inquiries
>Hopefully it's just a technical issue
>Order some troopers to relay messages, maybe get them a new vox caster
>Have Commissar go with them just in case of heresy
>Who's this trooper running up?
>I swear, if it's more troops falling to the Dark God of dicks and boobs I'm going to request a formal inquiry about mandatory safe-sex hololith classes
>The type that takes hours to complete
>be rogue trader
>ship got knocked out of low orbit from a stray artillery shell clipping it
>clipping as in it fucked the engines harder than a whore gets fucked in a whore house
>start falling into the warzone
>ship crash lands on some flying drug lizard being ridden by what looks like a pink ogryn
>most of my crew/indentured servants died
>i lived, thank the emperor for that
Is thread kill?
>Be 112
>See fancy pirate guy impact the happy dust dragon
>He look real nice from behind
>Gonna get me a piece of that
>Be rogue trader
>See someone approach me
>He looks high as balls
>Reach for my lazpistol
>Accidentally grab my navigators detached head
>Throw it at the man and run
>Be 112
>Catch a funny-looking guy's head
>How nice, a free meal! What a kind pirate
>Chase after him so I can offer to share it
>Be rogue trader
>Running away from druggo that's eating the head I threw
>Bump into a daemonette and a kid she's holding hands with
>The kid looks like me
>The kids drugged eyes light up and he calls me daddy
>Oh emperor no
>He's probably one of my many illegitimate kids
>Druggo is getting closer
>Fuck my life
Dead thread, see you guys
>Be Captain Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
>Hiding behind an open counter bar with two waitresses
>Suddenly the small tiki statue on the bar counter top starts giggling and its eyes start glowing
>Not good
>It inhales in the direction of one of the waitresses, somehow sucking the life out of her and leaving a desiccated corpse
>It exhales in the direction of the other waitress, who starts physically changing in weird ways
>Time for me to go
>I hop the counter top and run for one of the washrooms
>I briefly look back, the tiki statue is now riding some sort of wingless bird daemon with a long tongue, judging by the bikini top wrapped around its neck that is what the other waitress turned into
>Make it to washroom and lock door behind me
>Door immediately starts glowing like something is melting it
>Why do bad things keep happening to me!?!?
>Slide garbage can underneath the small window, jump up, and try to squeeze my way through
>Barely make it through, but lose my bikini bottom and fall face first into a rose bush for my troubles
>No time to worry about modesty now, start sprinting as far away from the bar as possible
>Be Krieg Trooper 194588
>Also Sentinel Pilot
>Ordered by Colonel 112006 to get a status update from the troopers posted in the park since they are not responding to their vox
>Take shortcut across beach
>Filthy heretics have erected some sort of trap consisting of a net strung between two metal poles
>It should be no match for my Sentinel's hydraulic legs though
>Sentinel gets tripped up by the netting
>As I struggle out of my fallen vehicle, I hear someone complaining about their volleyball net
>I check the power on my laspistol
>Heretics are going to pay for this...
>Be Captain Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
>Running in general direction of the compound where my regiment is quartered
>Hopefully we can hold out there until we get evacuated and/or someone else deals with the daemonic outbreak
>Run around a corner
>See well dressed man talking to his wife and kid
>Maybe he has a way off of the planet...
>Go over to beg for spot on any shuttles leaving the planet
>Notice that the man looks terrified, his kid is drugged up to the max, and his "wife" is actually a daemonette
>Also some mutant Krieger is running over eating a guy's head
>Looks like it is time for running again
> be me slaaneshi noise marine champion
> be riding atop bambi the robo dragon.
> see some mortal bitch running around bareassed in the wind.
> swoop in low to yoink a bitch.
> they can ruin my vacation, kill all of my men, and force me to turn a kid over to (possible) child molesters
> but they will NEVER take away my love of bitches!
>Be rogue trader
>Notice someone that isn't completely fucking insane running in my direction
>They see me
>I mouth Get Me Out Of Here to her
>My possible son is yammering on about how much he missed me and about his new mommy
>The daemons grin grew each second and I'm pretty sure her teeth got sharper as it went
>Be Captain Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
>Running from latest daemon encounter
>Dragging rich looking dude after me
>Hear loud mechanical roar from behind me
>Look up, see dragon shaped daemon engine swooping in after me
>Shouldn't something like that have more important things to attack????
>Use last bit of energy to sprint into a nearby snack bar, dive over the counter top, and stumble into the back kitchen
>Hid in an empty cardboard box
>Oops, forgot the rich dude outside, hopefully he stays in the area and doesn't get eaten
>Be rogue trader
>Got dragged along and then ditched
>Fell face first into the ground
>Look up
>It's a daemon engine
>Almost scream from terror
>Something grabs my left leg
>Something crabby
>Look behind me
>It's the daemonette
>She calls me a deadbeat dad for running
>The kid is bouncing around, fueled by so many drugs
>She opens a portal to the warp and starts walking through with the kid
>I get dragged in kicking and screaming
>Reach a hand out for anyone to help me
>It closes when my last fingertip passes through
>Be Tiki Statue
>See some puny mortal get dragged into a warp portal by a daemonette
>Chuckle evilly as I contemplate his horrid fate
>See some other puny mortal run into a building
>Another soul for the dark lord to claim...
>Carefully tear down one of the building's walls by pulling it outward from the top
>Stoop forward to look inside the building's only room
Where are you?
>Be Captain Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
>Still hiding in a box
>Have a massive leg cramp from sprinting everywhere, then curling up into a tight space
>Hear something massive moving around outside of the snack shack
Where are you?
>Stifle scream-sob of frustration
>Why does everyone on this planet have it out for me!?!?
>For that matter, why does the universe have such a big hate-on for me?
>So far in my short career I have been; left behind by my original regiment, attacked by a possessed book, fallen into an ice cave and chased around by daemonettes, been briefly sucked into Slaanesh's realm (hopefully that was just a nightmare though), then of course there was the confrontation with the angry senile Space Marine...
>Pretty sure the past hour has been my worse life experience though
>Be Hans
>Be a Krieger warp entity
>Be formed from all Kriegers that use flammenwerfers
>Be summoned to Happy Ending
>A tiki daemon is in the building I'm in
>A woman is trying not to alert the daemon
>Charge the tiki daemon, werfing flammen the whole way at the tiki
Dem Gottführer soll keiner genommen werden!
>Be Sergeant Audis Murphii, of third squad, second platoon, 10th company, 4th battalion, 1st Regiment of the Amerigo Secundus Wolverines.
>Get some much needed vacation time after kicking commie ass.
>All hell breaks loose on the beach
>just gonna sit here and drink my beer. I don't bother them, they won't bother me.
Uh sarge... some Valhallans summoned Stalin back from the dead
Apparently he is dead again, but uh, maybe it is something we should mention to senior command?
>Be Captain Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
>Still hiding in a box
>Hear a Krieger yell something, then the distinctive swoosh of a flamer
>Good, a distraction
>Stumble out of the box and limp outside
>Fucking leg cramp
>No sign of the mecha-dragon outside, hopefully he got bored and found someone else to eat
>No sign of the rich dude either, fuck, he was supposed to be my ride off of this rock
>Hear sounds of fighting from behind me
>Time to get out of here!
>Make a run for the nearest hotel complex, there should be lots of places to hid in there
>Be Sergeant Audis Murphii
>Was drinking some good ol' brewskis when I get the most horrid news.
>Uncle Joe, King Commie, Joseph Stalin... was back.
>Call for immediate reinforcements. We're going commie killing.
>Put on my sunglasses and light up my corncob pipe. A blood red sun is on the rise.
>Be Tiki Statue
>Some other puny mortal is attacking me with a flamer
>Realize it isn't just some mortal, but rather some sort of gestalt bundle of souls that has entered reality
>Haven't encountered one of these in ages
>Haven't had a good challenge in a while
>Summon twin blasts of warp lightning to counter the wave of fire he is emitting from his flamer
>Be Hans
>The foul tiki is stopping my flames
>This shall not stand
>Use my latent psychic connection to all flaming kriegers
>Call upon the gottführer for more power
Dein übler Trick ist meinen gesegneten Flammen nicht gewachsen!
>My flames start pushing back the warp lightning
>be inquisitor blazkowicz of ordo malleus
>get news of a daemonic incursion on happy ending
>this shall not stand
>don my power armor gifted to me by the salamander space marines
>start a course to happy ending
>Be Daemonette.
>Be doing Daemonette things
>Usually stuff like, Pin the Horns of the Khornate, keg stands, seeing who cam make and use the most creative dildos. You know, family fun stuff for a nice day on the beach!
>watching all those sexy men and women fight and setting up a glory hole.
>Hear very faint heavy metal music in the background.
>A sudden, strange sense of dread flows through my pecker.
>be blazkowicz
>get in my drop pod
>load scatter bolter
>feel the drop pod do it's job
>the drop pod crushes a daemon engines head
>step out of the pod and the smoke clears
>some of my assistants start playing the sacred metal of the ordo
>charge into the battle, purity seals protecting me from the taint of the FUCKING DAEMONS
You filthy daemons all have guys! Guts to rip! To tear! GIVE ME YOUR GUTS!!
>Be Captain Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
>Make it to hotel complex without being grabbed or eaten
>Notice door has been left open on one of the ground floor rooms, run inside, and shut door behind me
>Flop down on bed breathing heavily
>Ladies of noble birth were not meant to run around 90% naked for hours on end
>Speaking of which...tiredly stumble over to dresser, hoping to find some spare clothes, but unfortunately the suite is empty of anything except basic furniture
>Hear knock on door
Room Service!!
>What the actual fuck?!?!
>Hobble over to corridor leading back to front door
>Sure enough there is a maid at the door
>Except actually it is a daemonette in a maid costume
>Also the front door is made of glass, so it can see me as well as I can see it
>The daemonette-maid punches through the glass with one of her claws and opens the door from the inside
>Well that is just fucking great
>Run to the back patio door, fling it open, and leap over the balcony railing
>Didn't notice until afterwards that the balcony overlooked a small cliff rising from the ocean
>Narrowly miss the rocks somehow
>Hopefully the daemonette-maid will hit the rocks
>Nope, it gracefully swan dives into the water near me, then starts swimming towards me, it is a surprisingly strong swimmer for something with talons and claws
>Start swimming in other direction
>See large dorsal fins heading towards me
>Not sure which option is worse
>Daemonette-maid starts yelling something about not tipping and how all my orifices will be 40 times wider by the end of the night
>Start swimming towards the xenos sharks
>be blazkowicz
>see off in the distance a loyal imperial fleeing a disgUSTING DAEMON
>pick up a good sized rock
>toss it in the air and catch it a few times to test it
>throw the fucker as hard as i can
>the rock soars through the air and hits the daemonette
>not hard enough to kill her
>just enough to make her bleed
>with xeno sharks near her
>hopefully the loyal citizen makes it out alive
>go back to ripping and tearing
>Be Captain Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
>Somehow make it to shore
>Apparently the xeno sharks prefer the taste of daemonette-maid
>It was still a long swim to get to back to the beach portion of the shore while fighting a strong current that wanted to push me onto the rocks
>End up lying face down on the beach, half submerged, too exhausted to move
>Feel stinging sensation on my backside
>Look behind me, a jellyfish just washed up on me
>For fuck's sake
>Crawl another ten yards or so up onto the beach
>Collapse from exhaustion again
>Hopefully everything thinks I am dead and I can get a few hours of sleep before the next round of running-for-my-life begins
Goodnight /tg/
>Be guards man
>Be stationed on planet tit
>Have nice tits
>Be tranfered to planet happy ending
>Shit suck
>No more fighting
>No more blood
>No more space gopniks with their tits bouncing to hardbass and orks smothering people to death
>And worst of all
>No more tits
>I want them back
I remember that thread

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