>>63895947
>commissar started using a crossbow and screams now "BLAM" everytime he executes someone
Okay, that one here made me smile.

>>63895947
>get sent to fight in ork sand castles, walk knee-deep in molten glass, get sunburned through armor, swim in boiling water and walk through more sandstorms than there are stars in the galaxy
Yeah, that's bullshit. Guardsmen are normal humans, and that's the sort of thing that'd kill them. They're not Space Marines.

>>63895947
>be guardsman
>be on my way to some feudal deathworld
>the catachan are preety stoked about it
>most of us are not very happy about that death world buisness
>after the deployment the catachan get realy furious because the planet is not a jungle
>some local commissar madman with a crossbow decides to shoot some catachan for some reason and shouts "BLAM" doing it
>the constant state of living in twilight must have affected his brain or something
>IDon'tWantToBeOnThisPlanetAnymore.voxcas

>>63895947
>Be me, be Eldar Guardian
>Sent to aid Imperial Guard on some backwater world
>Notice guardsmen are using bows and arrows
>Point this out to fellow guardian
>She says
I guess they are capable of technological advancement after all
>Honestly can’t tell if she is being sarcastic

>Be me, be guardsman stuck on shithole planet for 15 years
>Couldn’t sleep last night because cloud cover lifted, and it was super bright inside the tent
>Also because I got sand in my eyes while trying to cover my face with a pillow
>Haven’t had recaf in 10 years, still miss it
>Breakfast was at least 15% sand by volume
>Spend the rest of the morning sweeping sand off mess room floor
>My squad mate, who is the sulkiest douchebag in the whole regiment, says “I hate sand” for the 20th time this morning
>Something inside me snaps
>Decide to end this
>Grab grenade in each hand, go running off toward enemy lines
FUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKK YOOOUUUUUU XEENOOOOOOOSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>Belatedly remember that our “grenades” are just rocks with the word “grenade” scratched onto the side
>Too angry to care
>Use them to beat two foraging gretchin to a pulp

>>63896813
At least it's a crossbow and not a foam finger.

>>63897644
>>63896797
>>63897335
>Be Captain Renn, leader of remaining Imperial forces on this deathtrap
>Reading daily casualty report:
Troopers Vee, Haster, Frin, Hans (the other one) – deceased while raiding enemy fortifications
Trooper Irin – 1st degree burns from molting sand poured on him by orks, Emperor’s Mercy recommended, instead executed by commissar for negligence
Troopers Stockson, Bran, Wyn, Parsi – Disappeared in sandstorm on way back from raid, presumed deceased
Trooper Ani – executed by commissar for complaining about sand
Troopers Guj, Kay, Brost – suffered 2nd degree burns from walking through boiling puddle after being ordered to do so by [REDACTED], executed by commissar for negligence
Corporal Gunder – drowned in patch of quicksand that spontaneously formed in middle of camp
Troopers Hans (the other other one), Maymay, Froid – executed by commissar for [REDACTED] (Commissar’s handwriting) legitimate reasons
Sergeant Hayes – executed by commissar for making a comment about the commissar’s daughter, commissar beat him to death with rock while yelling BLAM since commissar has run out of crossbow bolts again
Trooper Bridged – beaten to death by commissar for not having additional crossbow bolts ready in time
Trooper Bruck – missing, assumed deserted
Trooper Hjell – deceased, bitten by sand viper in [REDACTED] while [REDACTED]
>Commissar’s handwriting again, apparently he has taken over writing these reports
Trooper Hans – executed by me for inaccuracies and vulgarities in casualty report
Troopers Hans, Drecker – deceased, sunstroke, after being chained to pole for three days for insufficient hygiene
>Adjutant’s handwriting at bottom of page
Sir, we can’t keep this up much longer, we only got 48 men and women left, we need to do something about the commissar

>>63898619
The worst enemy is the commissar.

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>>63898753

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>>63895947
>>63898619
>>63896813

>Be me, OG Guardsman
>some eldar asks me if we have any troops stationed on the night side of the planet
>tell them that we don't
>eldar has the biggest o shit moment of his life and runs away
>I'll have to do something about newly deployed guardsmen
>mfw I just saw 3 kriegsmen die just because they decided that digging trenches in loose sand was a good idea
>and my father in law is not helping
>we have only 48 original guardsmen left
>and guess what the orks start attacking
>mfw we have only newbie guardsmen, the only people who know how to fight on this shitshow of a planet are armed with bows and the eldar just ran away

>>63898619
>>63900657
>Be Commissar
>Exasperated that now must write casualty report until another literate guardsman can be located
>Glance down at notepad, it has been only two hours since reinforcements showed up, but the first page on my notepad is almost full….
Trooper Sandor – executed for not being able to locate recaf
Troopers Metina, Fean? – executed for being too exuberant about reinforcements
Trooper Gronn – executed for not being exuberant enough about reinforcements
Three unknown Catachan troopers – executed in order to establish authority over new comers
Unknown Catachan Sergeant – executed for failing to turn over his bolt pistol to the Commissariat
Four unknown Catachan troopers – executed for trying to assault a member of the Commissariat
Two unknown Catachan troopers – executed for probable future attempt to assault a member of the Commissariat
Unknown Stalinvan trooper – executed for questioning Commissariat right to disburse punishment
Unknown Stalinvan trooper – executed for listening to an insubordinate comrade
Troopers Gyn, Kray, Bremma – executed for trying to sneak onto departing drop ship
Two unknown Catachan troopers – executed for questioning wisdom of Crusade Command in sending jungle fighters to desert world
Unknown Stalinvan trooper – executed for carrying ammo case upside down
Five to six Stalinvan troopers – executed for various failures to set up a proper camp
Unknown Stalinvan trooper – executed for not knowing location of additional clips for my bolter pistol
Trooper Jain – executed for not knowing where my crossbow is
Trooper Dinn, unknown Catachan trooper, four unknown Stalinvan troopers – deceased, sand viper bites while gathering sand vipers
Five unknown Stalinvan troopers – deceased, drowned in quicksand while gathering sand vipers
Captain Derrick Renn – executed for plotting to assassinate a member of the Commissariat, thrown in pit of sand vipers
Continued...

>>63900835
Adjutant Rebekka Fathi - executed for plotting to assassinate a member of the Commissariat, thrown in pit of sand vipers
Unknown Stalinvan trooper – executed for making lewd remark about Adjutant Rebekka Fathi, thrown in pit of sand vipers
Troopers Hans, Stor, three unknown Catachan troopers, fourteen unknown Stalinvan troopers – deceased after several sand vipers escaped execution pen
Unknown Krieg engineer – executed for poorly designed execution pit
Lieutenant Erin Hass – executed for interrupting mass execution in order to inform participants of ongoing ork raid
>I guess I will have to finish the rest of the report later

>>63896939
>>63900657
new to 40k. why are the eldar helping humans, don’t they hate each other?

>>63901050
Short answer Yvraine and Guilliman
Long answer Gathering Storm

>>63901050
During the recent jump in the timeline, a small group of eldar helped bring Roboute Guilliman back to life and have helped Imperial forces several times since then

Since then a lot of tg writers and artists have assumed a strong alliance between human and eldar, though in reality, relations are probably just as complicated as they were before, with eldar only helping humans when it suits them, and humans barely tolerating eldar since they are desperate, but on constant watch for any sign of betrayal

>>63900858
>Be Junior Clerk Farena Seven, Stalinvast 104th, recently promoted to be commissar’s adjutant
>Apparently my new job is to run around following the commissar, writing down why various people are dead
>Usually because the commissar himself has killed them
>Report so far reads as follows:
Unknown Catachan – deceased, testicles manually removed and shoved down throat by commissar for slapping his daughter’s rear area
Unknown Krieg – deceased, post-humorously executed for drowning in sand while trying to dig trench
Unknown Catachan – executed by commissar (not sure why, will edit later)
Four unknown Stalinvan troopers – executed by commissar for attempted desertion
Unknown local trooper – executed by commissar for trying to switch his bow with a lasgun without permission of an officer
Unknown Catachan – deceased, beheaded by ork
>Commissar wants me to stop writing and start shooting
>Not sure if qualified for that since only got 20 minutes of firearms training during basic
>Figure the commissar will shoot me for asking questions
>Pull out laspistol
>Here goes nothing……….

>>63895947
Good job in keeping the trend of making sure each of these shitty threads are somehow more retarded than the last

Bravo, it really takes dedicated to reach this level of stupidity.

>>63902042
Unnamed forum troll - executed for being an asshole without contributing anything of value to the thread. Extra sand vipers put in the coffin for good measure.

>>63902320
chuckle

I will have to add that to the casualty report if this thread is still alive later tonight

>>63900657
>>63901970
>Be Trooper Ced, Stalinvast 104th
>This planet sucks
>Only three hours into deployment and the squad is already down three members
>Boriz and Natashi got sucked into quicksand
>Orrez got bit by sand viper
>Deployed to camp perimeter to fend off ork raid
>The Sarge is taken down by an unlucky headshot while trying to order everyone into cover behind perimeter wall
>Daimen tries to run away but is also cut down by ork fire
>Everyone else gets swarmed by grots while hiding behind wall
>Stick bomb lands in middle of scuffle and kills or wounds everyone involved
>I manage to kill a grot just before an ork leaping over the wall crushes me like a bug
>Well, the drill sergeant was wrong, at least I killed one of the enemy before dying

>>63900657
>Be me, Krieger
>Deployed to this nice, warm world
>No nuclear radiation nor fire storms
>Feelsweird.voxcast
>Well, I'll just roll with it for now and dig some trenches for good measure
>The ground is covered with more ground as I try dig it
>Hereticpowers.emprahsaveus
>Give up, some guys die in a pathetic way while trying to dig
>Ffs, well, more equipment and ammo to blow greenskins, which are wreaking havoc rn
>Just shoot them from afar while the frontline dies, raining bombardment to make sure their sacrifaces arent useless and their corpses have a proper burial in the sand
>I miss Krieg

Now I feel like making a custom "Sand Vipers" regiment

>>63903223
Their rite of passage will be subduing an enemy in hand to hand combat before biting them to death

>>63895947
>Be freshly minted Commissar Alice Lone
>Just got my Commissar sash and everything
>Didn't even have to use my natural assets that much to get ahead
>UsingYourGodEmperorGivenBeautyToYourAdvantage.voxcast
>Got assigned to a mixed regiment on the troop ship Bastard's Luck headed out to some tidally locked deathworld to reinforce some poor bastards already there
>Apparently the current forces down there only have stick and rocks
>I hope the Munitorum brought enough ammo for everyone
>Checks my new regiment
>The 'Buctoo Survivors'
>Well that's a weird name
>Checks roster
>Looks like it's a bunch of troops who were scraped together from a bunch of leftovers on another campaign
>Some Catachans
>A bunch of Valhallans
>Cadians
>Some hive planet called Mychagun
>Some agriworld called Harvest
>Literallywhere.voxcast
>Kriegers
>And 25% of the regiment is from Carlos McConnell [note from some snarky Administratum clerk says they're: "some kind of abhuman. Have fun with all the cannon fodder!"]
>Wait
>Abhumans?
>PleasefortheloveofterradonttellmeImresponsibleforOgryn.guard
>shit shit shit
>Who do I have to sleep with to get a transfer to a different regiment without abhumans?
>Entire room shakes
>Ship vox comes on
>"Ladies, gentlemen, and cat-people with poofy hair. We seem to have been struck by a big rock from the planet's surface. Please fasten your seatbelts and brace for impact. We're going to be experiencing a little turbulence followed by crash landing and probably death. Have a nice day."
>WorstFirstDeploymentEver.commissarialpanic

>>63903349
I'm sure it will be fine, her "natural assets" can help dampen the impact

>>63903349
A certain sergeant would like to inquire if those poor bastards down on the planet have to share that rock...

>>63902925
Sand, the one thing capable of demoralizing a Krieger. Emperor preserve us that our enemies never obtain this information.

>>63903785
>Kriegers hate sand
>Anakin Skywalker hates sand
>Kriegers all wear masks
>Darth Vader also wears a mask
>Kriegers are basically an army of Darth Vaders
By the God Emprah...

>>63903842
>atlastitrulysee.gif

>>63903842
Kriegers probably produce psykers at the usual ratio for their population. Krieger psykers would be grim as fuck.

>>63903842
>kills kids, valuable assets for the Empire of Man
>uses heretical arts instead of good old trench digging, atrittion war and 10 years of constant bombardment
>tries to fight someone on high ground instead of digging some trenches
Dont put us with scum like that... well, we're scum too, but that something else entirely.

>>63903785
That "sand" thing really is quite problematic, but with this information, and some other an half-melted guardsman gave to us, we're going to bring some flame-thrower so we can turn it into glass and, then, dig it.

>>63903981
Bring some sheets, some rocks and build a little shelter. Shade and hiding and becoming one with the sand. Learn to ambush for MAXIMUM kill ratio. Life is the Emperor's currency it will be spent to defend His Imperium but it shall not be wasted

>>63895947
>>63903349

>Be an Ork Warboss on planet
>watching humies through me gitfinda
>starting to fink da suns frying da humies brainz
>Deyz killing each other moar den da boyz haz lately!
>Yell at boyz to finish building me sandcastle
>They ask if I want it bigger
>"YES I WANTZ IT BIGGA GITZ! WE JUST WRECKED DA LAST WUN FIRING DA BIG LOBBA AT DAT HUMIE SHIP!"
>Zog me. Just grab dat 'FLEX SEAL/FLEX TAPE' from da big Mek if ya need to hold it together dis time
>"AND GET DA BLACK KIND SO IT'LL BE EXTRA HARD!!"
>Ihavetodoallthethinkingroundhere.warbossproblems
>Checks gitfinda, sees da humie ship has crashed in a place full of local snakey things
>Typicalhumiescantevenlandproppa.greenskin

>>63903981
>implying not!Vader Krieg psykers telekinetically throwing around bayonets and entrenching shovels wouldn't terrify the hell out of heretics

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>>63900657
>>63902925
>>63903349
>>63904346

>Be me, Catachan ABhuman
>be fighting off an ork raid
>trying also not to complain about not being on a jungle death world
>the local commissar makes the average commissar look like a living saint by comparison
>the local guardsmen use bows instead of lasguns
>the most suprising thing about this is that they are the most competent troops on this planet right now
>mfw the enviroment caused more catachan casualties than the commissar
>remember that I need to find something to protect myself from the shiny bastard in the sky because my natural tan is not enough
>getting my sunstruck and sunburned would be even worse than hypothermia
>mfw that kireger just said something about the sand "underestimating his power"
>ok I'm quite sure that I need to find some shirt or something asap
>notice that the everything got brighter
>hear a loud sound of something big crashing into the surface
>thankfully it was not a solar flare
>It was one of our ships
>and it crashed where the sand vipers are
>I think that we should help them
>but..
>I don't want to get killed by the commissar
>YouAreOnYourOwn.voxcast

Would a Bow and arrow be effective against orks?

>>63905136
Not in a normal human hands, no. In the hands of an Ork or a Space Marine or if you could teach an Orgyn to use a bow on the other hand...

>>63904346
>Flex Seal
If only the Imperium had rediscovered the STC for Flex Seal products in M31. The Horus Heresy could've been prevented with a liberal application of flex tape to Lorgar's mouth.

>>63905527
the human webway project would have been finished earlier if the emperor just had flex seal/flex tape

>>63905762
Great Rift gotcha down? Just seal that up with flex tape!

>>63905762
>be me, a humble techpriest
>stationed on Holy Terra, blessed be the Omnissiah
>find arcane relic chest containing black substance of unknown origin
>oh Omnissiah it's sticky, three of my mechadendrites fuse together trying to extract the relic
>the Magos will surely deactivate me
>fumble around trying to get the black goop off
>drop relic
>several capsules of it fall into the ventilation system
>fuckinglegitboyz.exe

4 days later:

>Warp rift underneath Golden Throne inexplicably sealed shut
>rumor has it that Khorne himself has been trying and failing to reopen it, merely losing several of his finest blades in the attempt
>emperor reawakens, all is well for the galaxy
>goldenage.jpg
>except he's still stuck to the Throne by some black shot even he can't explain

>>63905089
>Be Commissar Alice Lone
>Stagger out my room in troop ship
>I survived
>owthatfuckinghurt.voxcast
>Climbs out to open hangar, sees Catachan in the distance
>Why isn't he coming to help?!
>Notice there are a lot of big snake things around the ship
>Ohforfrakssake.vox
>Open blouse slightly, adjust commissar cap
>step into view
>"AND JUST WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING GUARDSMAN?! GET OVER HERE AND HELP US OUT!"
>Stop and add after a moment
>"WE BROUGHT AMMO!"

>>63906260
>Be me, Catachan ABhuman
>some qt steps out of the ship
>wants us to help her
>says she has ammo
>still not going to do this
>only if our commissar agrees
>and I won't be the person asking him for permision
>IHaveASelfPreservationInstinctIfYouDon'tKnow.dataslate

>>63906260
>>63906512
>be me, Krieger
>kinda sad since this mildly upsetting place dont let me use my most powerful strategy
>no, this will not stand, I will show to this sand what one hundred and fifty years of grinding warfare looks like
>WomanScreaming.voxcast
>woman in Krieg are quiet, I miss them
>a Commissar that came crashing from the orbit is demanding help from a Catachan
>he's probably twice as useful as all of us combined
>NotMuch.voxcast
>He gave zero fucks
>EntirelyAcceptable.shelooksliketrash
>Could mow down the snakes with the Heavy Stubber I got assigned
>Or blow them up with the melta gun one of the Kriegers had
>Entirely unacceptable. I can't waste ammo on reptiles while there are orks
>And if you cant deal with oversized snankes you're worthless for the imperium
>I miss Krieg
>But I don't miss the head of that filthy greenskin

>>63903349
>The 'Buctoo Survivors'
Subtle, I like it
I wonder if they are the same regiment that had a Christmas themed adventure lately, which featured some cat people

>>63907176
>>63906512
>Be Commissar Alice Lone
>Are... Are these guardsmen ignoring me?
>I am a commissar damn it!
>I've got the sash, the cap, the bolt pistol, everything
>"Guardsman you will get that musclebound ass over here and help or I will shoot you for insubordination!"
>Iwillnotbedenied.commissar
>Where are all those abhumans this 'buctoo survivors' have? Maybe they'd be more reliable than these lazy local guardsmen!
>cannonfodderisstilluseful.voxcast

>>63907753
>Be local commissar
>Informed that a second landing craft has come down with more reinforcements
>Also they have another commissar with them
>WTF!
>Why didn’t the troops in the first lander inform me that there was a second lander coming?
>Get a bit uneasy
>Remember that I was probably either directly or indirectly responsible for the deaths of 80+ guardsmen in the past 24 hours
>Some would consider that a bit excessive………
>It was just that for the past couple of months we were so low on guardsmen that I had to put up with all sorts of garbage without executing everyone I wanted too
>And these new comers are just so damn incompetent
>May need to dial it back, at least until I get a handle on the new comers
>Grudgingly order some troops to clear out the snakes surrounding the landing craft

>>63907753
>>63907953
>Be Sergeant Mikola, Stalinvast 104th
>Commissar has ordered us to clean out the sand vipers surrounding the crash site
>Grab everyone I can find carrying a special or heavy weapon
>Walk over to crater full of sand vipers
>Why didn’t we just throw people in here instead of losing 11 men catching sand vipers to fill a pit in the middle of the camp?
>Not to mention the 19+ guardsman that died when they escaped…
>DoubtLeadsToHeresy.heresyleadstoBLAM!
>Well, better get to work…..
Open Fire!!!!!

>>63907753
>Be Trooper Fluffy, abhuman, Buctoo Survivors
>Commissar Lone is looking for volunteers to exterminate local xenos lifeforms around lander
>Nope.exe
>Her blouse is partially open again
>Always fascinated by the size of her, uh, assets, and the complete lack of fuzz on them
>Realize that she is looking at me, looking at her
>Accidentally make eye contact while looking away
>Get voluntold to leave the lander along with some others from my homeworld
>Naturally no pure strains get asked to look outside
>Climb of hatch
>Fug me those things look big
>And poisonous
>Wonder what chance of survival is if get bitten by one
>Do we even have a medic still?
>What was her name again?

>>63907753
>>63907953
>>63908185
>Be me, Krieger
>Now there's two commissars bickering and one random guy ralling trops to kill a bunch of snakes
>They're close to them and their orders where "Open Fire!!!" instead of "Fix Bayonets"
>Entirelyunacceptable.cowards
>Picks up good ol' mortar
>Well, aside from trench digging we, from Krieg, are good at another thing
>Bombardment
>Hellfire was unleashed upon them, foe and friend equally hit as they were a bit to close to the explosions, fire and molten glass flying trough the air and killing more
>Were should be glorious and tactically exploitable craters are just... pits of sand with tid bits of snake and some men
>Entirelyunacceptable.NowImSad
>Continue the bombardment until I run out of ammo, where should be a pit of snakes is just a small crater of solid glass and blood
>Shot some times with a Melta Gun to prove my point, deadly heat rays hitting were should be no more than a pit of mortal remains
>Small yet beautiful tactical place
>EntirelyAcceptable.MyAncestralsSmileAtMe
>Oh wait, I'm a clone of my father
>Well, I "smile" at myself, then
>Not that I know how to, but under my mask no one will ever know
>I still miss Krieg, tho

>>63908482
>Be Basilisk Commander Shen
>Well, all our basilisks were destroyed over 10 years ago, so actually just command catapults
>Bunch of Krieg showed up today
>With a bunch of fancy mortars
>Disdainfulsniff.exe
>We have been using catapults for 5 years now, they work just fine…..
>Looks like someone just called an artillery strike in the southwest quadrant
>And forgot to inform us
>WeAreNotObsolete.RAGE
>Order all catapults to fire into that sector

>>63908482
>>63908692
>Be Sergeant Mikola
>In fetal position
>Has bombardment stopped yet?
>Look up
>One of the Kriegers is hosing bits of sand viper with melta
>Wait! Did he just torch half a Catachan?
>Looks around, at least half the men I gathered are missing
>The one closest to me just got sucked down by a patch of quicksand that spontaneously formed below her
>And suddenly it is raining boulders for no apparent reason
>IMustBeHavingANightmare.exe

>Be a Tau firesight marksman
>observing conflict between orks and humans for about a month now
>desert world reminds me of home sweet home
>orks are building sandcastles and humans landed in a sand viper pit
>sending updates to command as cheap entertainment
>promotionguarateed.tauva
>the new arrivals commander has a nice set of tits
>reflect my unhealthy attraction to human women is why I am out all alone without backup.

>>63908902
>Be me, Krieger
>Feeling refreshed after this use of overwealming and unecessary brutal force
>Now, go for the crash site since there are, or should have, ammo and other things there
>There's a bunch of brutally mutilated corpses on the ground, viscerae and such paiting bizarre works of art
>Smells like that of a million rotting carcasses and nuclear radiation
>FeelsLikeHome.EmprahBlessing
>Armory, half destroyed and half salvagable, but not going to take It all since that's egoism and such is heresy
>A bunch of ammo, a new coat 'cause... Well, its black, so its night camo and a chain sword 'cause...
>I want one, okay? Everyone has one, even the useless commissar, I deserve one too.
>Get out before I commit another heretic act, I will train harder from now on so I may pay with my blood
>Still miss Krieg

>>63909009
>>63909175
>Be Lieutenant Johanna Biddensworth
>Recently recruited from Timbuktoo nobility to round out the officer contingent of the mixed regiment drawn from devastated regiments fighting on my homeworld, known as the “Buctoo Survivors”
>Landing was a little rough
>More than a couple of people died
>Even worse, I broke a nail
>Make sure I am one of the last people out of the transport, just in case there is something dangerous outside
>Pass a Krieg with a shiny black coat and a chainsword
>Isn’t that the old commissar’s stuff?
>IDidn’tSeeAnything.exe
>Get outside, everything is burning hot
>And covered with burning pieces of flesh
>Start sweating immediately
>Ditch officer’s coat
>Now worried about sunburn
>Order nearby Tallarn trooper to give me her tunic
>It seems light and breathable
>Walk to edge of crash site, away from others
>Ditch shirt
>After a moment’s consideration, ditch bra as well
>It was already starting to chaff, and it is not like anyone can see anything anyways since I am facing the desert
>Rub suntan lotion on chest for a while to prevent further chaffing
>Put on Tallarn tunic, head back to see what others are doing
>Good thing no one is out in the desert, otherwise they would have had quite a show

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>>63895947
>the new weaponry is actually an upgrade over the standard issue shit
>proceed to destroy the enemy with lopsided victories
>the Eldar then proceed to compliment the guard over the wonders and elegance this thing called a "bow" like the Elf faggots they are
>tech priest are of course upset

>Be Junior Clerk Farena Seven, Stalinvast 104th, recently promoted to be commissar’s adjutant
>Still in charge of casualty report
>We took significant losses today, so ordered to summarize the 36 pages of individual casualties into one paragraph:
211 dead, 305 wounded, – ork assault on camp
4 dead, 204 unfit for duty – sunstroke, survivors slated for punishment
84 dead / believed dead – quicksand
66 dead – sand viper bites
58 dead – executed by Commissar (reasons include negligence, failure to follow orders, attempted assault on Commissariat personnel, poor hygiene, topless sunbathing, complaining, questioning judgement of authority figures, lack of awareness of location of Commissariat equipment, reckless joviality, cowardice, desertion, “sheer bloody incompetence”, interrupting an execution, and possessing pornographic material of Commissar’s daughter)
54 blinded – failure to wear goggles during sandstorm, slated for punishment
42 unfit for duty – severe sunburns, slated for punishment
12 dead, 23 wounded – encounters with flora and fauna other than sand vipers
28 dead, 14 wounded – damage to landing craft
19 missing – desertion or quicksand suspected
14 dead, 3 wounded – friendly fire from mortars and catapults
7 dead – drowned in sand while trying to dig trenches (one also posthumously executed by Commissar)
4 dead, 4 missing – failed assault on ork outpost
5 dead – Miscellaneous (Corporal Anon – killed by squad for being toxic and whiny, posthumously executed by Commissar and buried in pit filled with sand vipers with other traitors, Trooper “Buck” – complications during Catachan hazing ritual, Trooper Lee – accidently activated grenade while showing off, Troopers Hans and Breta – cause of death still to be determined)

>>63905937
I laughed

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>>63909704
>>63909175
>>63908692
>>63908436
>Be Commissar Alice Lone
>Wait, those are the abhumans from Carlos McConnell
>by the emperor
>those ears...
>that fur...
>Its adorable!
>Slaps self a bit
>damn it Alice, you're a commissar, not some juvie squealing over a cute kitten! Show some self control girl!
>Start to follow Buctoo Survivors out of hatch and get ready to shoot snakes when suddenly the entire area is being bombarded by artillery fire
>Dive back inside troop ship and nearly avoid getting flattened
>Getting bombarded by friendly fire was not how I expected my new regiment's first deployment to go
>Starting to wish I'd been selected to be a Sister of Battle instead.
>bombardment ends, stick head out of troop ship wreck
>Everything's a mess, and there's a shit-load of casualties
>So much the regiment's name 'survivors'
>Decide I might as well go grab my greatcoat and chainsword
>got to look professional on my first official day right?
>Make way to cabin
>My chainsword and coat are gone
>Emperor's bollocks!
>what did I do to deserve this
>What fateweaving prick decided that I need to get screwed 8 ways to Sunday on my first day as a commissar
>mfw I have to go around as the new commissar of my regiment dressed like THIS the entire time and still try to get everyone to take me seriously
>atleastIhavemyboltpistol.commissariat

>>63911052
>>63900858
>>63900835

>Be Eldar Farseer Waddick
>Be causally reading casualty report while monkeigh fuckers screw around and die in the sand while I'm chilling here under a beach umbrella nearby
>itsnotmyfaultyoumonkeigharebraindead.wraithbone
>sees repeated remarks about commissar's daughter
>clearly she's destined to be a star on the porno-vidpicts if her dad's so pissed.
>I would know since I've been the one distributing it!
>sees Adjutant Rebekka Fathi listed as a casualty
>Wonder if I should mention that his crossbow bolt failed to BLAM her and she didn't get thrown in the correct pit because the monkeighs are all complete and utter morons
>Consider checking to see if she's still alive
>Nah, I'd rather let these monkeighs continue to be idiots and have a good laugh at their expense.
>After all, what are they gonna do? BLAM me with their silly crossbow bolts?
>LaughingFarseer.soulstone

>Be commissars bolt pistol
>run out of ammo
>fuck

>>63905937
>Be Roboute Guilliman, Lord Commander of the Imperium
>Dad is awake now
>But apparently he's still trapped on the Golden Throne
>Black shit is involved
>waitwut.codex
>researches source of black goo shit
>who the fuck is Phile Swiftus?!

>>63909704
>Be grot scout
>lurking in desert
>watching the humie lines in the distance while Orks try to build another huge sandcastle
>Spot some humie girlie strip down to her waist and then put on a new tunic
>So those are those 'tits' the Blood Axes say the humie ladz get all hot and bothered about.
>...
>...
>they look like panzee girlies except without the pointy ears
>....humies are weird
>Oh well, time to go find some tea!

>>63909704
>>63911385
>>63909984
>>63912141
>Be me, Krieger
>Stationed and waiting to be deployed, but that wouldnt happen soon since they procceded to win using the new weaponry
>Sat down, cleaning and doing the "daily rituals" the Tech Priests order me to, to keep the weapons functioning properly
>WhateverTheySay.ImIllerate
>Both the commissar and the lieutnant have a big quantity of plump on their mamaries and not enough muscles
>Women in Krieg were slim and muscular, I miss them
>They should be more careful with their rations and exercise more, having a body unfit for combat is entirely unaccptable
>There's one heretic eldar laughing like an idiot while reading the casualty report
>Having fun in the Imperium is against the law and punishable by death per hanging and a punch square into the jaw
>Should blast him and send his soul to their "god", whatever is the name of that thing that fucked his... her?... It way into existence
>Can't, commissar gave express orders to only blow them after his command
>Coward.voxcast
>I miss Krieg

>>63913836
>>63912577
>>63912141
>>63911385
>Be local commissar
>Sipping recaf while reading casualty report
>It is full of errors and vulgar language
>Also explicitly mentions the pornoslate of my daughter four times
>Glare at adjutant, but she is currently facing another direction
>Remember that now that another commissar and some senior officers are here that I have to dial back on the executions
>Also there is no bolt pistol ammo left on the planet, and I don’t want to go back to using my crossbow
>Camp discipline has already collapsed as a result
>Heavy cloud cover has reduced direct sunlight, so the new comers are all walking around half naked
>It doesn’t help that the new commissar runs around in a tank top
>She claims her coat went missing
>Sure
>I see the way you adjust your “ladies” whenever you want something from someone
>Also, the newcomers can’t set up a camp to save their lives
>Saw 14 infractions on way to and from lavatory alone
>Not to mention the leader of the remaining eldar in the camp seems to enjoy needling me for no particular reason
>They are completely untouchable of course
>Damn this unholy alliance!
>Realise have crushed coffee mug in anger
>Stomp out of tent
>Maybe I can find an infraction severe enough to justify an execution
>Or at least a good lashing

>>63913563
I wonder how a grot knows what eldar breasts look like?

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>>63914594
anon, I have bad news for you.

bump

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>>63913836
>>63914203

>Be me, original Guardsman
>fuck it. just call me Constantine
>Be designated freshling trainer
>essentially I just tell them what they should and shouldn't do
>most of the catachan don't even listen
>because these knowbetters just think that there is nothing that could kill them on this planet
>mfw I see some krieger in a black coat
>mfw he says that it is night camo
>mfw he is on the day side of a tidally locked planet
>well his brain is propably toast
>back to teaching the catachan abot the wildlife
>just as I start talking about the sanguinala tree worm some native postman Interrupts me
>gives me a letter from my wife
>LetsSee.voxcast
Constantine blah-blah please take my father with you blah-blah pointy ears blah-blah "ancient evil" on the night side blah-blah I'm scared blah-blah arthurs fifth birthday blah-blah
>this shit looks serious
>I should go and talk to my father-in-law/commissar...

>>63904346
Wouldn't the Orks just make those sand robots from Spongebob?

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>>63913836
>I miss Krieg
Can someone more tech savvy than me put an 'I miss Krieg' line underneath pic related?
Also, someone give that poor Krieger a box, some bayonets and a new shovel. I don't care if it's against regulations, that bastard needs a reminder of home.

>>63917689
Shut up guardsman, you'll give those greenskins ideas! Its bad enough that they have the Flex Seal STC, we don't need them making literal sand Gargants or anything like that.

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>>63917923

>>63918702
You're doing the God-Emperor's work anon.

>>63917553
>>63914203
>be me, Krieger
>night camo isnt working at all, aside from making me confortably hot and somewhat stylis- tactically superior on night enviorment
>confort is heresy tho, I should take my mask off to let some natural cooling occur
>well, its not like we cant take it off, but no one does, is it a unspoken law? Breaking the law is completely unacceptable so I'll keep it for now
>the original guardsman is giving me dirty looks, does he know that I... commited heresy?
>I ignore him from now and finish cleaning my guns, what is that I'm supposed to say again? Oh, yes
>"Pray the omnissiah"
>Sounds heretic, but that guy is the Emprah so it should be fine and if the gun keeps working that way then I cant complain
>Nothing to do, cant even dig some trenches to pass time and build strategic points
>The commissar is algo went bollocks, he's pretty trigger happy and probably will kill some guys sooner or later
>Completely unacceptable, wasting human forces like that, shooting their hands should do the work, just like in home
>I miss krieg

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> Be me
> Black Templar Sword brother stranded on a derelict dark eldar ship.
> motherfucking xenos tried to kidnap people from the planet we were stationed on.
> mfw they took my body on board
> mfw they didn't know I was still alive.
> be cocooned in hibernation as the ship floats around in space.
> lovetheseorgans.spessmahreen
> ship begins to speed up.
> wait wut.
> five minutes later the ship slams into something.
> cocoon goes flying around and hits something.
> loudclangingnoises.vox
> okay shit everything hurts.
> irrelevant.
> now then.....
> where the fuck am I?

>>63904346
>Be Scout Guardsman Jafari
>Currently scouting ahead of guardsman base, watching greenskin engineers working on something in the distance
>Mostly just doing it to keep away from crazy commissar and his executioner's nest of sand vipers
>Commissarsarescaryenoughwhentheyaren'tcrazypants.voxcast
>An Ork engineer suddenly brings out a steel boat
>Wait, where did he get that?
>We're on the desert side of a tidally locked planet!
>Rub eyes and look again to make sure I'm not hallucinating
>Now the Ork's sawing it in half
>Butwhytho?.vox
>Watches Ork engineer bring out some huge black tape and start taping the boat back together
>that greenskin really thinks he's going to fix a boat with just tape
>TechpriestLaughsInBinary.mechanicus
>jaw drops open as greenskin proceeds to stick a jet engine on the back and starts riding around on the sand dunes
>WAT.guardsman
>What is this magical black tape, and where can I get some?
>Cogboys be damned, that shit is amazing!

>>63904346
>watching humies through me gitfinda
Can I get a gitfinda from github?

> be me black templar
> stumble out of the ship
> crack my neck and stumble slightly.
> how undignified.
> if the chaplain saw me now...
> finally get my bearings.
> now then, where do I get some more ammo for my bolt gun?
> I need something besides this power sword after all.
> look out and see nothing but desert.
>.....
> fuck my life.

>>63914203
>>63917553
>>63919667

>Be me, Catachan ABhuman
>be learning about the planet from some local guardsman
>normaly I would just have ignored any sort of advice
>but the fact that we keep falling into quicksand and or get killed by the local fauna made me reconsider my life choices
>the guy says something about not getting overheated like the krieger over there
>the krieger desperately needs some help asap
>first lesson is about some sanguinala tree worm
>does not sound dangerous but I fear that this is just black humor
>our teacher gets a letter from his wife
>the guy is apparently married with the commissars daughter
>wait...
>do we talk about the same one?
>that one who one of us slapped in the ass and then got executed?
>LuckyBastard.abs
>and why the fuck did she send him a letter
>I saw her two days ago
>maybe she was just visiting the frontline or something
>hear the commissar shout "BLAM"
>see a crossbow bolt hitting the guy next to me who was trashtalking his daughter
>well now all of my bros from the first deployment are dead
>time to make a new drinking buddy
>ask the krieger if he wants to hone his knife throwing skills
Hey
Wanna throw some bayonets at greenskins?

>>63919812
>Be me.
>Be Overlord Addathes looking for a new homeworld.
>Old one got wrecked, shame.
>Tailing black hardcase ships around, notice one crash down on some desert planet.
>Scans show fleshies with minimal high tech armaments.
>Decide to make it sporting, tell warriors to get the ceremonial gear.
>Knewihadthosekhopeshesforareason.canoptek
>Get dressed in “period accurate” gear, get squad together, head down.
>Sands a problem, but I think it’s good enough.
>Order fortifications to be built planetside for colonization.

>>63917553
>>63919667
>>63920289

>Be Commissar Alice Lone
>Listening to local guardsman teaching us about wildlife
>By the God-Emperor this place sounds like a living hell
>Why the fuck did the Munitorum send me here?
>IjustgraduatedImnotreadyforthisshit.voxcast
>notice Catachans aren't paying attention
>Well at least they're HERE, unlike the Valhallans, who are still at the crash site blasting some weird music they call 'hardbass'
>The Felinids are already grumbling about the sand getting everywhere
>Could be worse. At least we don't have to do deploy to the night side of the planet yet
>I'd probably freeze to death without my coat
>reallywishIhadmycoatrightaboutnow.voxcast

>>63920289
>>63920903
>Be me, Krieger
>this Catachan came to me and asked me something that I didn't quite hear
>something about lovely bayonets and greenskins
>my mask is full of sand, sounds are muffled I can't speak 'cause my hose is full of that fucking thing
>I can't even speak 'cause my hose is full of that fucking thing and speaking will get me a mouthfull of it
>IMissKriegRadioactiveClouds.voxcast
>well, guess I'll have to do it, may the Emperor forgive me for showing my face in public
>I take the mask off, leaving it hanging on my neck
>pale as fuck and the sun feels like a thousand needles on my skin, its the first time seeing this thing without lenses and it sucks-ass
>this guy looks like a mountain of muscles, which isnt a surprise since he's in front of a teenager
da fuck you want? greenskins? yeah, there's one sawing a boat right there, we can kill it to pass some time
>feels weird to speak without my mask, I want to put it back
>feels weird to be without my mask, sand is the worst enemy of a Kriger I'll teel ya
>atleast the commissar didnt saw me with her coat yet, being BLAM'ed would be better than having to deal with sand
>but my life is to be used for the Emperor and only him can kill me
>still... I miss Krieg

>>63920152
And behold gentlemen, we have discovered the true fear of all Black Templars. Being completely alone in a wasteland with nothing to purge for the Emperor.

>>63895947
>stopped using lasguns and started using bows instead
absolutely heretical

>>63922592
>whining about using bows instead of lasguns
At least they aren't down to two sticks and a rock for the whole platoon.

>>63921612
>Be me, Catachan ABhuman
>good Emprah does this kid have a pale skin
>he better put his gasmask back on before his face gets 3rd degree burns
>WhyDoesHeHaveSandInHisGasmask?.voxcast
>take some better looking gasmask from some dead krieger and give it to him
>he is in no state to fight the orks
>needs to build up some muscle
>need to find an alternative for combat
>what do kriegers like...
>dying for the emperor, gas masks, bayonetes, digging trenches
>I have an idea
>go and find some empty sandbags
>this should be a good substitute for digging trenches
>give him a shovel
Change of plans, we are building fortifications.
Make good use of that shovel and fill these bags with sand.

>>63923653
>Be me, Krieger
>this guy has show more compassion to me than anyone else in this universe
>I would say more than my parents but my mother is an artificial womb and I'm a clone of my father
>the guy gave me a shovel
>EmprahBlessedMe.iloveit
That's nice of ya, but isn't compassion a heretical act?
>well, whatever
>put on the mask he gave me, some blood and brain mass here and there but it feels like home
>filling bags with sand prove to be specially "fun"
>making this thing into useful assets to the empire and exiling it to a place where they won't bother me
>the first part is kinda dubious since ork weaponry will pass trough this and whatever is standing behind it
>whatever, closest thing to trenches we have rn
>and its really easy
>easier than carrying my dead companions on the battle field so we can retrieve their equipment and burn their bodies so:
>Nurgle forces don't turn then in zombies to fight against us
>or the nids eating their bodies and turn their biomass in more man-eating bugs
>or the khornates dont turn their dead bodies in skulls for the skill throne or blood for the blood god
>or so the daemonetts dont fuck their corpses
>easier than having to deal with commissars ordering us to retreat
>or being anywhere the radiation levels isn't lethal
>its fun too, but thats heretical thinking
>Still miss Krieg

Rolled 7, 2 = 9 (2d8)

>>63895947
AHHHHH

>>63920289
>>63917553
>Be local commissar
>Put my son-in-law in charge of teaching new comers about the dangers of this planet
>About 200 dead or missing yesterday from natural hazards, and another 300 are in the infirmary
>Unacceptable!!
>If anything gets to kill these morons it is me
>Had to go back to using crossbow again, still no sign of the ammo for my bolt pistol
>Some idiot Catachan is looking at a pornoslate of my daughter right next to me
>BLAM him
>Honestly, how stupid can you get, I have been standing here for the past 10 minutes watching the presentation
>I wasn’t even looking for people to BLAM
>Notice son-in-law is reading letter instead of presenting
>Bastard is lucky that his is married to my daughter
>Also one of the few competent guardsmen left on the planet
>He finishes reading, looks up, makes eye contact, and heads over my way
>Well isn’t that interesting…….

>>63915683
I said eldar breasts
It is not like the typical grot encounters lots of topless eldar females

> be me, black templar stranded on this hellhole
> there. is. nothing.
> of all the planets I could have landed on, I landed on the most barren rock in the fucking imperium.
> emperorwhy.lament
> continue marching through the wasteland.
> I'll find something eventually.... right?

>>63925304
>>63917553
>Be local commissar
>Read letter
Blah-Blah-Blah-Inquisitor demands IG aid fighting ancient evil on far side of planet
Blah-Blah-Blah-sending airlift in two hours
Blah-Blah-Blah-Apparently that is also where the rest of the eldar ended up
Blah-Blah-Blah-Boring personal stuff
>March over to podium to get everyone’s attention
>Fire bolt gun into air (Actually just yell BLAM repeatedly while pointing finger in air)
Alright you morons, new orders!
We have been ordered to redeploy to the night side of the planet
Airlift is in two hours
Only enough space for 200 men
Officers, gather your best men
Captain Prissy, you are in charge of the camp until we get back
That is all
Move it people!!!!!!
>Make more BLAMMING noises
>Everyone scrambles to pretend they are doing something

>>63920770
> be me, ex chaplain Marietta Alfred,
> see my lord dressed in what he calls "period accurate gear"
> oh throne that's horrid
> sigh and hold an umbrella open over him
> he'll overheat if he stays in the sun too long.
> and for heaven's sake sire, take that ridiculous abomination off of you chin.

>>63925933
>be me, Krieger
>finished filling enough sacks of sand to actually build some solid and effective defense
>enough to stand direct fire from a small WAAAAGH!! for 3 whole minutes!
>but that's for another time as the commissar actually did something useful for once instead of killing a couple dozen soldiers
>my night camo will actually have tactical use, unbeliavabl- just as planned
>scram to my tent, "my" since my whole platoon is either dead or dying in the quicksand
>take a quick look trough their equipment, sort what is useful and what will be useful after the first part lose their usefulness
>End up with flak armor below my dark, stylish camo coat, one chain sword, one hellgun and one meltagun. Aside from loads of explosives
>and, obviously, my shovel and 3 bayonets
>technically a Granadier at this point
>With more style, sure
>Now I'll just wait in the supply crate 'till we're sent to our eminent death
>I miss Krieg, but no that much... For now

>>63925954
>Right hand woman looking over my ancient nekeharan phaeron gear.
>Shemirin.gauss
>Wait no she isn’t.
>Eh, who cares. Certainly I don’t.
>Oversee construction of reanimation chambers in the shade.
>Loving my job right now.

>>63926332
Necrontyr, not nekeharan. Feel free to insult me for my idiocy.

>>63925933
>Be Commissar Alice Lone
>So apparently we're all heading to the night side of the planet
>Wait
>The night side?
>As in
>the cold, frozen hellhole side
>And I'm stuck here with just a tanktop, pants and commissar's hat to my name?
>Fuckmylife.voxcast
>Go back to wrecked troop ship to sulk in the shade without getting sunburned to death
>I can't even use my 'assets' to blow my way out of this because the other commissar's a complete headcase
>Maybe I can steal some clothes from the Eldar when we get there
>Knife eared bastards have cloaks or something right?

>>63926332
> be Marietta Alfred
> sigh as my lord refuses to take off that RIDICULOUS OUTFIT.
> the pimp getup was better than this one.
> longstorydontask.ptsd
> follow my lord, folding the umbrella once we get inside.
> ensuring all goes according to plan.
> hmmm.... I wonder if any other imperials are around.
> some of them may be.... less than welcoming.
> honordebtsareabitch.lament
> I wish I was still an astartes... That'd at the very least make my job easier.
> I suppose I'll use my usual "persuasion tactics" if they show up.
> hopefully this planet isn't a complete clusterfuck like the last two..... or twenty.

>>63927303
>"I wish I was still an Astartes"
>is named Marietta Alfred
>Serving a clearly loony Necron Lord
>IHaveSeveralQuestions.jontron

>>63927785
I wasn't on that story thread, but read the 1d4chan page afterwards, clearly I missed a good one

>>63927074
>>63926221
>Be local commissar
>Standing by landing area with the best 200 troopers that could be culled from this rabble:
>A couple of Cadians and/or soldiers from regiments that wear Cadia pattern armor
>A few Catachans – dangerously underdressed
>Commissar Lone – dangerously underdressed
>Surprisingly few Valhallans considering we are going somewhere cold – apparently, they are all still by the crashed shuttle drinking hard liquor, and mourning something called the “hardbass crusade”. Lucky for them I didn’t know they were there until just now
>Most of the long-term vets of this world obviously – some are still using bows
>Way too many cat mutants – can’t we do better than them?
>A few Krieg – armed to the teeth
>Scattering of men and women from other backgrounds
>Bunch of Valkyries show up, plus a few other flyers
>I guess this is our ride

>>63928426
>Be me, Krieger
>looks like this is it
>we're going straight for our iminent doom
>we have some actually competent people
>some drunkards that looks like they can pack a mean punch
>some Cadians, we're not against chaos but they look alright
>some natives, they have these "bows", probably won't do much, but they will serve as body walls
>some air reinforcments, kinda surprising
>and... Furries, lots of 'em, if they were in mating season we could just let them fuck the enemies and hope some Slaneesh's Spanws came to help
>and Commissar Lone – dangerously underdressed
>We'll die, that's for sure
>But we may survive a couple minutes, even half an hour!
>Let's die for the Emperor
>Atlast, I don't miss Krieg

>>63928654
>>63928426
>Be Trooper Fluffy, abhuman, Buctoo Survivors
>Sitting in Valkyrie
>Apparently I am one of the 200 best
>I am pretty sure it is just because I am one of the few guardsmen Commissar Lone recognizes by sight though
>Sitting across from Lone, Lieutenant Johanna Biddensworth, and some Catachan woman I don’t recognize
>All are wearing tanktops……
>And it is getting pretty chilly in here…….
>And I am still wearing my sun goggles….
>Decide to have a bit of fun since I am probably going to die soon anyways
>The Catachan probably has the biggest ones, but they are a bit lopsided
>Lone’s are also unusually big, and well rounded, maybe getting a bit soft though, hard to tell when she is wearing a tight tank top
>The LT is the smallest, but still quite large, probably had work done, being a noble and all….also they look quite firm, and perky, very perky
>Can’t decide whether I like Lone’s or the LT’s more
>They need to move around more
>Maybe if we got a bit of turbulence…………
This is the pilot speaking, sensors indicate we are hitting moderate turbulence in 30 seconds
>ThereIsAGodEmperor.exe
>Wonder if the Krieger and the Catachan sitting on either side of me are also enjoying this…..

>>63928814
>Be Lieutenant Johanna Biddensworth
>Regret stowing that fur coat I stole of that drunk Valhallan
>It is way colder now than in the desert
>Apparently Valkyries don’t have much heating
>Naturally everyone sitting across from me is male, and either wearing goggles or masks
>Briefly consider crossing arms across chest
>But don’t want to seem self conscious
>And now we are hitting some turbulence………

>Be local commissar
>Arrive at destination
>Some sort of massive pyramid with small camp next to it
>See a few eldar and inquisitional personnel hanging around
>But clearly there were much more people here up until recently
>Guardsmen by the look of the tents
>I think I know where this is going……

>>63928814
>>63928907
>Be Commissar Alice Lone
>Be stuck on Valkyrie next to LT Biddensworth, currently trying not to freeze
>Really wish I had some fur like that cute Felinid sitting across from me to keep me warm right about now
>Should probably reprimand the troopers for staring at me and the Lt like a bunch of perverts
>Too cold to really bother right now
>And now there's turbulence and my bust is shaking in my top
>BytheGodEmperorThisIsEmbarassing.voxcast
>I know I shouldn't be embarrassed about that, but damn it, I did not expect my first day as a commissar to be so miserable!

>>63928814
>>63928907
>Be me, Krieger
>It's pretty cold, remind me of the tunnels I would sleep in my training drills
>Nostalgia.voxcast
>The furry actually know how to pilot, or he took some classes with Harlequins 'cause it's pretty convincing
>Three woman dangerously underdressed are sitting with us
>Wait, one is a Catachan so it's only two dangerously underdressed woman
>Their body has lots of fat, they should be fine, but why tho? There's no tactical advantage, women from Krieg are fit and slim so they can wear generic equipment
>Their muscles are more... No, this is herectical thinking
>This turbulence is exactly what I need to distract myself from their tactical inaptitude
>They made me miss Krieg, again

>>63929063
>>63929004
>>63929057
>Be local commissar
>Talking to lead inquisitorial staff on site
>Apparently they need our help to find some sort of master chamber in the pyramid
>But the pyramid is a complete maze of branching side passages
>Start asking some questions:
>What have people found in there so far – CLASSIFIED
>What happened to the people who went in before us – CLASSIFIED
>What does the master chamber look like - You will recognize it when you see it
>Who built that thing – CLASSIFIED
>Suspicion that this is a suicide mission is confirmed
>Apparently, they just want us to walk in there blind, and start splitting up until someone finds something interesting and reports it back to the camp
>Sounds like my kind of mission
>OnlyInDeathDoesDutyEnd.exe

>>63929168
>Be me, Krieger
>Denied us of valuable info, smells like teen spir- heresy
>Doesn't matter to be quite honest
>If they're chaos = we dead
>If this thing is chaos = we dead
>If this thing is Necron = death would be nice
>SoundsAboutRight.suicide
>The Commissar, she looks especially useless without equipment
>The LT looks like she knows her shit, but her equipment is under the recomended
>The Catachan will do better alone, they know how to be quiet and shit
>Furry... Out of question
>Well, I'll go alone, If any of them follow me I'll just roll with it
>Here goes nothing
>OnlyInDeathDoesDutyEnd.iso

FYI, I have no idea what OP wanted us to find on the dark side of the planet, I improvised the pyramid. It is really big, and probably has portals leading elsewhere, so feel free to introduce literally any opponent or obstacle you can think of, I will keep improvising for now until OP returns

>>63929316
A.Loneposter here. I'll be heading out for work soon, so try not break the planet while I'm gone!

>>63929316
well, fuck me sideway I have no fucking idea too, I'll wait the other girls (well, guys to be precise) some more, if there's no response I'll try to improvise something, too

>>63929389
>>63929355
>>63929316
>Be Trooper Fluffy, abhuman, Buctoo Survivors
>As the group gets smaller and smaller each time we reach a split in the pathway, decide to stick with the Krieger
>He clearly knows what he is doing
>Also, I think we shared a bit of a moment back on the Valkyrie
>Three split passages later, have no idea where we are, or how to get back
>Suddenly run into the LT and a big Catachan she evidently partnered up with
>What the hell!!
>They took a left branching pathway 10 minutes ago, and we have been sticking right ever since
>Brain gets jumbled as try to figure out how that is physically possible
>Suddenly hear screaming and gunfire from down another passage
Hey guys, m-m-maybe we should go the other way?

>>63929557
>>63929316
>Be me, Krieger
>A big fucken maze, luckly my years of experience of trench warfare in literally continental spawing trenches gave me some experience with those things
>not much, since its layout is a fucking mess, well, not to the necrontyr that design this piece of shit, but for a measle Krieger it fucking is
If there's gunfire it's the right way
>I give the furry my meltagun and follow the screams and gunfire
>reminds me of home
>Oh well, good news! this isn't a necron shared bedroom, not completely that's to be sure
>How I know this?
>Well, this twelve-foot tall two headed bird-like creature is a dead give in, but I may be wrong
>Luckly the corridors are quite useful with its sharp curves as this bolt of warp energy would've made me a deformed mass of flesh, like the wall that turned into tar
>Well, its not only this thing that I have to worry about, it has an army of little fucklings too
>Oh, and Canoptek Scarabs too, so IT IS a necrontyr tomb them, what a breeze
>I hope the four frag-granades that I left before taking cover did any actual damage

>>63929557
>>63929624
>Be Lieutenant Johanna Biddensworth
>Not really thrilled about going towards sound of gunfire
>But as the big Catachan goes lumbering off towards it behind the Krieger and the catman, decide they is my best bet in getting out of this place alive
>Enter room where gun fire was coming from
>Empty, except a trooper hanging from his neck from the ceiling, and assorted body parts on floor
>Correction, the trooper is embedded in the ceiling from the neck up, and the body parts are limbs sticking out of the floor
>Seems like they are seamlessly merged together
>Like a teleporter accident or something
>Even worse, they are still twitching
>Hear unearthly laughter coming from somewhere
>Desire to be elsewhere intensifies greatly
>Realise I am in room alone
>Somehow got split up from the other three despite charging down the same corridor
>Sense that I am not actually alone
>I hate this planet

>>63929624
>Be Trooper Fluffy, abhuman, Buctoo Survivors
>Krieger gives me his meltagun
>Follow him down corridor at safe distance
>Where did the Catachan and the LT go?
>Come to big chamber
>Full of metal things, and other things
>Necrons and daemons maybe?
>Or just necrons?
>Honestly don’t know anything about either
>Glance over at Krieger
>I hope you have a plan

>>63929893
Don't... Stand in there, move!
>I take his arm and his body out of the explosion range
>He's lucky, they? Not so much
>The fireball bathed their corpses in cleansening rage, ripping through meat and metal alike and the sharpnels only increased the bloodbath
>Well... We got them off our asses, but they will fuck us after they're done with themselves
Shoot!
>I just open fire at the bigger one, raining death without prejudice from my hellgun which burned and melted my hands as it overheated with the sheer amount of shoots
>His meltagun should be enough to wipe out the smallers ones
>Or so I hope, 'cause otherwise we're good as dead

>>63930103
>Be Trooper Fluffy, abhuman, Buctoo Survivors
>Picking off the small metal things with my meltagun since they are closer to me
>Have vague notion that a weapon designed to melt through tanks may be more useful against the larger targets
>Would rather shoot at things that pose a more immediate risk to me though
>Taking one for the team is not my style
>Not sure how many shots a meltagun has, but if this thing runs out of ammo, I am out of here

>Be Captain Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
>Hanging out back at the desert camp
>With a bunch of useless fresh recruits, some wounded/incapacitated soldiers, assorted support personnel, and some more experienced troops that had the sense to lie low when they were gathering troops for the trip to the dark side of the planet
>No commissars
>No officers other than myself
>Living the dream
>Ordered everyone to take the day off
>Everyone is partying and getting drunk off their asses
>Execution pit was filled with sand and is now being used as a volleyball court
>Almost no one has died since the commissar left with those other idiots on the suicide mission
>That wilderness survival course the commissar’s son-in-law gave was surprisingly useful
>Currently sunbathing in a homemade lawn chair next to volleyball court
>We have had good cloud cover for most of the day, so both the intensity of the sun, and the temperature are surprisingly pleasant if you are (un)dressed for it
>Reading “romance novel”
>Sipping surprisingly good drink made from watered down liquor and freshly squeezed fruit
>Spot badly wounded Krieger looking at me judgingly from the other side of the volleyball court
>Fuck you bitch, the shit that happened to me in that ice cave on the last planet, makes even your homeworld seem like paradise
>The IG owes me a long vacation
>And if anyone attacks the base, well it is not like anyone left will put up much of a fight anyways
>And the pilot of the last remaining shuttle in camp owes me a few favors

>Be Junior Clerk Farena Seven, Stalinvast 104th, commissar’s adjutant
>Still at desert camp
>Still in charge of daily casualty report
>Aside from some medical personnel and cogboys, one of few people at the desert camp who did not “get the day off”
>Everyone is partying hard except for me
>Had to create new category “Misadventure”
>Skim through first page looking for errors, despite being pretty sure no one will ever read it aside from me
Summary:
8 dead, 68 wounded – Misadventure
???? missing – no one is keeping track of who is here anymore, though there have been rumors of people not being seen for a while, probably just quicksand……..
34 dead – from injuries incurred prior to today
5 dead – executed by the commissar dumb nuts – may he never return from his mission
4 dead – sand viper bites
Details For Misadventure:
Tina Freely (Timbuktoo) – chemical burns to chest, apparently as part of a prank involving adding battery acid to her suntan lotion, known fondness for topless sunbathing
“Febeka Farni” (Unknown) – twisted ankle falling down hole – also crossbow bolt in shoulder – looks suspiciously like Rebekka Fathi, the adjutant that got executed a while back, but claims not to be, not like anyone cares anymore anyways
Boris Spetnin (Valhallan) – alcohol poisoning
Albuh Nassim (Tallarn) – deceased, urinated on uninsulated electrical wiring
Trec Knowle and Ghelli Li (Stalinvans) – non-fatal stab wounds from brawl over pornoslate (staring guess who….)
Juster Clint (Harvest) – deceased, urinated on sand viper, apparently on bet
Catnip (Carlos McConell) – Apparently overdosed on the substance for which she is named, spent last five hours rolling on ground while drooling and purring
>Continued....

>>63931190
“Iron Gut” Thompson (Catachan) – alcohol poisoning, apparently outdrank three Valhallans, one after the other, then went into coma
Natasha Olbsk, Ivan Ivanson, Anton Dru-something (Valhallans) – alcohol poisoning, see above
Kitty (Carlos McConell) – Concussion from trying to backflip off of landing craft
Patricia Fenn (Stalinvan) – sprained wrist playing volleyball
Bobby Billie (Harvest) – Hit in eye with tent pole while “jousting”
>etc, etc, etc
>Almost makes me wish the commissar was back
>Almost

>Be me, Alpharius.
>Not actually alpharius, but you get it.
>Currently infiltrating grosynchronatic planet in middle of nowhere.
>Think it's literally called "Timbuktu".
>Been asked to by my boss, no other specifics.
>Can't be bothered with this. This mission seems silly.
>Standard practice is to infiltrate as loyalist astartes, gain respect.
>Nah, that's boring as all hell. Done that at least forty thousand times already.
>I'm gonna literally rock up to their main camp, in the middle of a desert, and pretend to be a new recruit, and work my way through it with bluffing and prize-Bull-groxshit.
>Might as well make it a challenge.
>Just sad I won't be able to wear my armour.

>>63931570
>Be me, Alpharius.
>Realised when the lander clogged with sand as soon as I set it to atmospheric flight, that maybe bringing my armour would have been a bad idea.
>Also crashed the lander, but that's nothing particularly major, just my last shred of pride.
>Managed to act like a good person and not crash the lighter into the camp of the side I'm supposed to be on.
>Managed to crawl out the pilot window in an act of incredible contortion.
>Literally only in Ogryn sized fatigues, nothing else. Everything else is in the crashed lighter that's half buried in the sand.
>Aaand now it's on fire.
>Minorirritation.vox
>Bonus, bout half a kilometre from the camp.
>That saves a lot of pain.
>Enhanced vision picks out camp as I go.
>Is this the right camp? They all seem to be partying?
>Oh wait, there's a Krieger building fortifications.
>No, they're just laxer then... I don't want to finish that.
>What have I gotten myself into?

>>63929624
>>63930103
>>63930375

>Be Guardsman Constantine
>walking through this maze with my father-in-law/commissar
>using strings to mark the path
>this shit screams necron design
>but the shit inside does not add up
>two headed bird creature statues
>found a red astartes pauldron with something resembling a sun
>physics breaking and reality bending architecture
>this is necron design no doubt
>but...
>everything seems abandoned
>with the exception of the bullshit architecture most of the tech is shut down
>would be knee deep in necrons if it wasn't the case
>hear gunfire
>run to check WTF is going on
>its one of those bird creatures but bigger
>our troops are getting slaughtered
>commissar says something about not dying like idiots
>says that he is going to execute everyone who dies like an idiot
>HowIsThatSuposedToWork.voxcast
>orders tactical retreat to the exit
>you know if my father-in-law/commissar orders a tactical retreat shit REALY got serious

>>63897335
Kekked

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151 KB JPG

>>63931190
>Be Mildred Katalina
>Felinid Medicae in this clusterfuck of a regiment called the Buctoo survivors
>Stuck on this new tidally locked hellhole of a planet on the desert side back at base camp
>No, I'm not a god-emperor damn furry and the next person nwho mistakes me for hte Felinid furry-subtype is going to get a sand viper colonoscopy.
>Dontpissoffthehealer.voxcast
>Still pissy at that bimbo slut Commissar Svenja who was in charge of the regiment during the timbuktu debacle
>That skank got promoted to 'Lord Commissar' and took the cute felinid lieutenant with her when she transferred out to somewhere on the Eastern Fringe
>ihopeshegetsrapedbyTyranids.voxcast
>At least this new Commissar Alice Lone isn't half as bad as that horny bitch Svenja
>She's waaay out of her depth though
>reading the casualty report to get a better measure of the 'local commissar' for comparison and trying to make sure the rest of the idiots don't kill themselves while partying.
>....
>....
>I can't believe this guy is making me miss that damn commislut. At least she wasn't trying to blam someone every two seconds.
>She just wanted to get blammed in her hoo-hah by the men's... "weapons" 24/7.

>>63933313
Didn't you run off with some Tau Fire Warrior back on Timbuktoo?

>>63932064

>Be me, Catachan ABhuman
>fighting some giant blue chicken with two heads
>OminousLooking.voxcast
>better take the krieger with me before he does something stupid
>commissar orders us to retreat
>but of course it's no normal retreat
>it's a fighting retreat
>guardsmen from other corridors start to flow in
>we allow ourselves to get slowly pushed back towards the exit
>slowly as in commissar walking speed
>of course we are getting butchered on our way out
>the commissar keeps killing everything in the vague shape of a guardsman with his crossbow
>walking too fast? *BLAM* executed for cowardice
>walking too slow? *BLAM* executed for treachery
>he might have sent several bolts into the enemy on occasion
>not entirely sure if it was realy him or some local guardsman with a bow
>when we finally get out the eldar and inquisition take it from there
>get my catachan cigars and light them up with the use of a flamer to celebrate
>*inhales*
>ThisIsLife.manly

>>63927992
trust me, you REALLY didn't
[spoilers] fucking nicedaemonette and his fucking feminization fetish [/spoilers]

> be me, chaplainette Alfred,
> by jove what is all of this ruckus?
> look outside to see...
> oh bother, imperials.
> hmm.... let's see.
> politely sip tea
> that's the good stuff.
> some guardsmen, catachans ugh.
> barbarians.rude
> a.... krieger, some guardsmen.
> is.... that a felinid with a night lords sticker on the back of her helmet?
> what the fuck?
> herchoiceisuppose.politeignorance
> normally I wouldn't bother speaking with . them.
> inquisitors are an awfully tempermental lot.
> but they're camped outside of my lord's secondary temple.
> something about it being "too fucking hot" on the other side.
> you're a robot, how would you tell if it's too hot unless you started overheating?
> buthedoeshaveafewscrewsloose.sipstea
> hmmm....
> I suppose I should do something about this
> maybe
> relax my hand on the head of my crozius cane.
> once the tea is done.
> it's such a crime to waste tea.
> especially tea such as this.
> I still recall picking it up with my lord during the spot of bother on That one world that shall not be named.
> poorshopowner.feelsbad
> I do hope that man managed to get away.
> he carried such a great collection of tea and books.
> dip crumpit in tea.
> I'll see what they do for now.
> no need to be rude, they've been in the sun far longer than we have.
> but still though....
> would it kill them to NOT set up camp on top of where the flayed ones are sleeping?
> we just got those lads back in working order.
> and it's terribly rude to interrupt someone's nap.

>>63933313

>Be Cadian
>had my leg burned in molten glass
>now have to go to our furry medicae
>get given colonoscopy for some reason
>*die because of sand viper bites in the rectum*

>>63933313
>Be black templar chaplain
>on thunder hawk with small squad
>We were exiled from them
>now just cruise around fighting shit
>see some tidal locked world
>with distress beacon
>could be trap
>land were it is seems to be some kind of beech party
>by the emperor
>land and start having a good time
>i need this
>see felinid healer
>go to talk to her

>>63935104
>Be me.
>Be chilling overlord.
>My right hand woman insists on a daily tea time, so I obliged.
>See fleshies loitering near my shit.
>Throw a rock at them to get them to fuck off.

>>63937775
> be me
> be sitting properly next to my lord in a larger chair.
> makingamazonslooklikechildren.muscles
> politely sip my tea and watch my lord throw a rock at the intruders.
> wait wut?
> A rock?
> really?
> you might as well be a baboon flinging your feces. Have some dignity!
> after all, a proper greeting for someone trespassing in your domicile is to fire a warning shot.
> For heaven's sake you're a necron.
> take a sip of my tea.
> satisfaction.sigh
> Sigh and look at the motley band of guardsmen gearing up to enter the maze of corridors
> do they not see the sign?
> takeahint.ruffians

>be candlemas hating dark eldar
>be brought back from the dead
>be a lot happier candlemas is over
>be sent to some planet to capture more slaves
>suddenly stairs
>falls down several flights of stairs dying in the process

File: SanguinalaTreeWorm.jpg (92 KB, 800x534)

92 KB JPG

>be sanguinala tree worm
>mfw filterfeading
>catch the occasional insect
>notice the presence of bigger prey
>the "inteligent"' variety
>relase pheromones and start glowing
>prey gets closer
>prey gets stuck in my "tree" part
>pull the prey into the chamber filled with gastric acid
>BestDayOfTheYear.xeno

>>63932064
>>63934529
>>63930375

>Be Commissar Alice Lone
>Firing my bolt pistol like crazy in order to keep myself from being Necron'd
>First day on the job and I'm already miserable
>local commissar's ordering a retreat
>about fucking team
>Fuck I'm cold
>see Trooper Fluffy retreating
>grab him by the collar and drag him to safety
>By the god emperor
>His fur is so WARM
>relax slightly when we make back to the base camp and keep my arms wrapped around Trooper Fluffy, trying to use his body heat and fur to keep myself warm
>ItsNotWhatItLooksPervertsLikeImJustCold.underdressed

>>63939697
> be me marietta,
> alright fuck this.
> damn idiots are just going to bring more of them if they keep shooting.
> notice two separate from the group.
> ah kettle is done.
> decide to bring it with me on silver platter.
> hold it on fingertips.
> perfectpoise.manners
> look down at the commissar hugging the felinid.
> by jove what is this tomfoolery?!
> why is she so underdressed?!
> why is she hugging a felinid?!
> and why is a commissar of all people retreating.
> nevermind
> look down at the two of them.
Good evening, may I ask why you have decided to so rudely break into my lord's home?

>be chaplain
>this felind is tells me of some dudes that might need help on the frozen side
>hop back on my thunder hawk with squad go to giant fuck pyramid
>hop in my terminator armor with light claws
>squad decides to hold pyramid perimeter
>pussy.jpeg
>go in and see group of retreat guard
>yell out "RUN I'LL HOLD THEM OFF"
>overestimate necrons and teleport closer to entrance and book it

>>63930459
> be me
> lost black templar
> how long have I been walking?
> does the sun EVER set on this emperor forsaken planet?!
> loyalistgrumbling.vox
> am I talking to myself?
> oh throne I've been on my own for too damn long.
> Wait.... is that?
> holy shit.
> HOLY SHIT!
> HUMANS!
> OTHER PEOPLE
> okay, contain yourself, remember, you're an astarte, act natural.
> stroll into camp.
> look and see someone sunbathing.
> huh.... she looks like she's in charge...
> might as well ask her.
> walk up to her.
> block her light to get her to notice me.
Pardon me ma'am, but do you know what planet this is?

>>63939788
>The fleshies still haven’t left.
>Thiswillnotstand.canoptek
>Fuck the rocks, grab a bow.
>Shoot an arrow near the one with the big ass hat.
>She has to be important if she amassed this much swag.

>>63939697
>>63939788
>>63940474
>>63940789

>Be me, Guardsman Constantine
>was retreating from some big blue mutant bird thing
>now we are under attack from the necrons
>for some reason the big blue mutant bird is gone
>the Inquisitor breaths heavier than your average necron at this point
>and speaking of necrons
>have protect the other commissar and some felinid from a necron
>the cron gets a bow
>shoots an arrow past the commissar
>my father-in-law sees this and executes some guardsman who was standing remoteley close to her for "failing to protect an member of the commissariat"
>shoot some arrows at the cron
>attention diverted to me
>attention diverted away from me because some other necron trying to look like like a dune cobra with a dick hanging from the chin appeared
>OkSomethingIsRealyNotRightHere.vox

>>63941664
>Finally manage to elicit a response.
>Tell them in as many words to fuck off on pain of getting a khopesh up the ass.
>Grab said khopesh and point it menacingly.
>Tell that one lord that tries to confuse everyone about wether he’s me or I’m him to fuck right off since I have this handled.
>He does.

>>63936617

>Be Mildred Katalina
>Just got done burying the Cadian who called me a furry
>itwasntmurderitwascompletelyjustified.nya
>Well, not really buried so much as "dumped in the nearest batch of quicksand I could find"
>Deathworlds are good for something after all
>Who knew?
>Will list this casualty as "died after a Sand viper slithered up his asshole while he using the latrine"
>Just bullshit enough to work
>Administratumwontevenlooktwice.voxcast
>Should probably put a sign saying "no, the medicae is not a furry" on the outside of the medicae tent
>I bet the other non-furry felinid girls like Leona and Natsuki don't have to put up with getting called furries
>Black Templar Chaplain enters the tent
>ears flatten against head in fear
>OhshitohshitImsodead.abhuman
>Quickly inform him that the majority of the guardsmen are on the dark, frozen side of the planet in the hope he won't kill me for not being a purestrain human
>this works
>ohthankthegodemperor.relief
>I...I think I need a drink

>>63939788
>>63941664
>>63942110

>Be Commissar Alice Lone
>Suddenly approached by a... giant woman in astartes armor?
>whatinthewarp.voxcast
>Stare open-mouthed in disbelief
>struggle to process her question
"Your... lord? I... you... what...?"
>thiswasntcoveredattheschola.vox
>Slowly try to scoot back toward where I think the entrance should be, keeping Trooper Fluffy and his meltagun in front of me
>I know I should be a symbol of courage for the Guard, but 'crons and... whatever this person in front of me is, are way above the paygrade for the Guard.
>This is shit for the Inquisition to deal with, not me.
>I don't feel like starting a war for this shithole of a planet with Necrons because I said the wrong thing.
>TheyDontCoverXenosDiplomacyInCommissarTraining.imperium
>Spot Necron wearing weird-looking beard thing and headdress
>wut.voxcast
>Weirdo 'cron tells us to piss off
>commissar in me says I should tell him to take that bow and shove it up that shiny metal ass
>but I really REALLY don't want to piss off the giant woman in black space marine armor standing in front of me
>Decide its best to defer to the local commissar and Inquisition on this
>Whisper in Trooper Fluffy's ear
"If anyone asks, I was pulling you out of harm's way in order to preserve the life of a guardsman so you can die for the Emperor later."
>I'm still a commissar I should at least act the part of the brave political officer
>Even if it's just on paper and a complete farce at the moment

>>63904346
>Flex Seal
So... any bets on how long it'll take for the Mechanicus to show up in full seagull mode and trying to take what's blatantly an stc from this xenos scum?

>>63943222
>They still haven’t moved.
>Decide threats aren’t working.
>Time to turn on that old ‘crontyr charm I always had.
>Put down the khopesh, apologize for my overreaction, and invite them to tea.
>Personally make new cups of tea for all of us.

>>63943477
Since the stc is in ork hands on a feudal death-world surrounded by sand
Yeah.
STRATEGIC VALUE:ABSOLUTE

>>63944313
Exterminatus?

>>63944484
STRATEGIC VALUE:ABSOLUTE

>>63895947
>tidally locked world

Wouldn’t anything worth fighting over be on the habitable twilight band?

>>63944521
Someone get Captain Titus on this shit immediately!

>>63943222
> be me chaplain Marietta
> welp
> gently set tea kettle down on a nearby table.
> remind me to thank my lord for installing those later.
> step forward and grab the barrel of the felinid's meltagun
hold a moment.
> in one smooth motion, bend it upward at a right angle, and then pry it from his hands
> gently set it on the table
Sorry about that.
> make a mental note to fix that later.
> pick up the two ruffians by the scruffs of their necks.
It is rude to ignore someone trying to speak to you. Or would you rather be shot at by my metallic compatriots.
> look over at one of the necrons who holds up a gauss canon glowing with deadly energy.

>>63945172
>See soldiers with gauss cannons out.
>Tell them to put the guns away.
>God dammit we have to make this fair!
>Imsurroundedbyidiots.gauss
>Tell them to use the damn bows instead.
>They shrug and oblige.

>>63944901
>Be freshly promoted administratum worker
>the admechs want space marine support on some backwater they are going to
>they request two chapters
>and here is the problem
>I can't speak high gothic
>need to improvise
>use the names of the Primarchs instead
Adeptus Astartes Corvus Sanguis?
>I think It should pass
>PromotionHereICome.departmento

>>63945219
>>63945172
>>63943222
>>63939788
>>63939697
>>63935104
>>63930375
>Be Trooper Fluffy, abhuman, Buctoo Survivors
>Meltagun runs out of ammo
>Look at Krieger, well, you are on your own mate
>Book it in opposite direction
>Somehow run into Commissar Lone and make our way out
>Somehow end up cuddling with her for a while outside
>Somehow end up being offered tea by a female (?) space marine
>Then a necron shows up and starts shooting at us with a bow
>Then another necron shows up but the first one tells him to F-off
>Lone uses me as a human shield while backing off to safety
>Says to tell everyone that I was wounded and she was dragging me to safety
>IGuess.exe
>At least we were heading in the right direction for a bit
>Then first necron offers us tea
>His unusual henchwoman wrecks my (empty) meltagun, and man-handles us to a table
>She threatens to have her bow (!!!) wielding necron minions shoot us if we don’t start talking
>Strangely, this whole scenario barely makes the top five weirdest I have found myself in over the past year
>How do I usually survive these again?
>Oh ya, dumb luck and strategic cowardliness
>Decide to play their strange little charade for a bit
Hi, I am Trooper Fluffy
May I have some tea?
>Just hope Commissar Lone doesn’t try anything stupid that gets us killed….

>>63944794
So far we basically know nothing about this world's strategic value except it has orks, an STC, and at least two Necron pyramids
The IG reason for being on the light side of the world has yet to be stated

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>>63945751
> be chaplain marietta.
> smile politely at the felinid
Certainly sir.
> step over and pick up the tea kettle.
Now then, to business, my lord has some matters to discuss with you, apologies for the... rather hostile greetings, but normally when we offer someone tea they just shoot at us. The gall I swear.
> sigh and look at my lord
Why must you insist on them using such primitive weapons, it would be much better if we stayed with a consistent theme. Rather than just switching to whatever world we go to.
> shudder in horror at the memory of the bunny outfit.
> I much prefer my current getup thank you.
> I am not wearing bedsheets again
> longstory.ptsd

>>63945922
>The IG reason for being on the light side of the world has yet to be stated
I'mma chalk it up to Imperium bureaucracy deciding to have base on the toasty side of the planet. Because Imperial logistics LOVE dicking over the Guard.

>>63945941
>>63945751
>>63941664
>>63932064
>Be local commissar
>Clearly this place is worse than anything imaginable
>Some sort of Necron Tomb Complex that has been at least partially tainted by the forces of Tzeentch
>Grudgingly realize that we won’t last much longer before being overrun and/or tainted
>Order everyone to return to camp
>Hopefully our reconnaissance mission will tell the Inquisition at least something they didn’t already know
>On way out execute anyone showing signs of cowardliness or possible taint
>Running low on bolts for my crossbow again
>Leaving the complex was surprisingly easy
>Almost like something wanted us to leave……
>In no time at all back at camp providing a report to the Inquisitor
>She listens to me without speaking, then gestures me to leave
>Get outside and see surviving guardsmen, eldar, and inquisitorial personnel standing around like idiots while a bizarre but important looking Necron threatens Commissar Lone
>FUCKENRAGE.foamingatmouthface
>Start BLAMMING nearby guardsmen and yelling at them to do something
>Alice may be a useless idiot, but protecting members of the Commissariat is a guardsmen’s most important duty
>A few of them finally open fire
>Suddenly everyone stops moving, like they are paralyzed
>Realize can’t move either
“I will handle this from here”
>Instinctively know it is the Inquisitor speaking, even though have never heard her speak before
>See her walk past me, towards the bizarrely dressed Necrons, who are now having tea with Alice and an abhuman.....

>>63946612
>>63945941
>Be Inquisitor Elizabeth Durnham
>Walk over to the table
>Sit down without asking for permission
>Help self to a glass of tea
Marietta my dear, may I call you Marietta?
I believe you are speaking to the wrong lady
Did you really believe the silly little harlot here, and her furry little toy, were in charge?
>Sip tea
You see, I want what is in the middle of that temple
We both know your Lord is not truly in charge of it
But……
Perhaps if we join forces, we can both get what we want
I get my shiny little babble
And you get, I don’t know….
>sip tea again
How about the whole planet?

>>63946776
>>63946612
>>63945941
>>63945751
>Be Commissar Alice Lone
>Things are getting way out of hand
>We're being offered tea by a clearly malfunctioning Necron Lord
>The local commissar's blamming people with crossbow bolts again
>stop it you idiot you're going to get me killed
>mycoworkersarefuckingidiots.voxcast
>And now the Inquisitor showed up
>Well, this is clearly above my paygrade
>Kinda irritated about being called a harlot, but I don't want to get in a catfight with an Inquisitor
>onedoesnotpissoffInquisitorsandliveverylong.imperium
>Slowly start to drag Trooper Fluffy away from the table, since the Inquisibitch clearly has things in hand
>Waitaminute.wut
>DID SHE JUST OFFER THE XENOS THE WHOLE PLANET?!
>wtfisthisheresy.blam

>>63946776
> be me Chaplain marietta
> chuckle politely.
My dear that is delightful of you to offer.
> she sighs and takes the kettle back.
however... what's to stop us from simply taking everything we want and killing you on the spot? More importantly.
> glareofdeath.controlledrage
you interrupted tea time, scared off our guests and sat down without asking for permission.
> stand to my full height and grab the inquisitor by the throat and pin her arms behind her back.
that.... is very unbecoming of a lady. Allow me to correct your misbehavior.
> squeeze her arms with an iron grip until I hear the crack and crunching of bone breaking.
> politely ask one of the necrons to move the kettle and cups.
> wait for him to do so.
> thatsgoodchina.expensive
> slam her face first into the table breaking it in half.

>>63946992
>>63946776
>Be Trooper Fluffy, abhuman, Buctoo Survivors
>Being served tea by a pretty noblewoman in a fancy dress
>Not sure how I mistook her for a female space marine
>Reality flickers for a bit, and I briefly see a male space marine standing in her place before she resumes being a noblewoman in a dress
>Fuck this place is weird
>Commissar Lone is just sitting there, rigid as a stick
>Noblewoman is asking me why we are using bows
>Honestly have no fugging clue
>Just about to stammer out a response when an Inquisitor shows up out of no where and helps herself to some tea
>Commissar Lone starts slowly dragging me away from the table
>I guess she needs her abhuman shield back
>Better than staying near the table if things start getting violent though…..

>>63946992
>>63946776
>>63946612
>>63947093
>>63947177
>be me, krieger
>kinda blacked out in the amisdt of thing, overcharged with adrenalin and fighting off chaos influence
>still followed then, 'cause only in death duty ends
>regain conscience amisdt a cat fight
>not exactly a fight since it looks one-sided as fuck
>try to recall recent details, aparentely the "Inquisitor" was trying to give the planet to what looks like a Xeno
>heresy.voxcast
>It's wrong to think about such things, but for once xenoscum did something useful and beat the living shit out of a traitor
>my hands hurt from being melted
>my head hurts from the recent, literal, mindfuck I received from a Tzeentch spawn
>I miss Krieg

>>63947093
>Well that escalated quick.
>Stand up, yell for everyone to calm the FUCK down.
>Order right hand woman to let the fancy bitch go, and tell everyone to just sit down and drink their tea.
>Sit down and explain yes, as this is a nearly inhospitable planet, I would be willing to work with them and take the rest.
>Order scarabs to come in to help with healing all that bone breakage.

>>63947281
>Explain the reason we’re using bows and khopeshes is due to the fact I want to keep the field level.
>If everyone else only has that shit, who are we to cheat?

>>63947281
> sigh and drop the unsightly woman on the floor.
> she collapses in a heap as scarabs swarm his body.
> somedaysihatelifedebts.depression
> facepalm at this stupidity?
so we can win and finally have a planet to call our own my lord?

>>63947330
>>63947281
>>63947093
>Be Elizabeth Durham
>My offer is clearly about to be rejected
>Crap, that was my one chance to get the artefact before things really start to get bad in this neck of the woods
>But the tainted necron and his minions are clearly too unhinged to be reasoned with
>And my remaining forces do not have the strength to extract the artefact alone
>Try to erect psychic shield to fend his warpspawned henchwoman but already used most of my energy to temporarily paralyze the remaining guardsmen and prevent a blood bath
>Get beat to pulp
>Blackout

>>63947542
>>63947330
>>63947281
>be me, Krieger
>great, the Inquisitor is out and we're out of personnal to beat their asses
>well, fixing bayonets would be the standard for a situation like this
>but there's only me with bayonets, three of them isn't enough to this level of heresy
>I will have to use my brain
>WaitIHaveOne?.confusion
>Here goes nothing
She speaks on behalf of the Imperium, but what about the Adeptus Mechanicus? Even if both side fulfill their promises of the trade, that doesn't restrict them from looting you
Their tech is way above what we have here, and your tech is leagues better than what they have
These scarabs? A tech priest soiled his robes just by thinking about having a swarm of them
Your Tomb? The forgeworlds would set aside their petty "fight" just to bring this thing to the ground and examine its contents
So, as long as you promise not killing us (the Commissar will do it anyway) and giving us part of your tech with whatever the higher ups want, we'll say that you're all dead in the report and the tomb was overtook by chaos forces and anything of worth was either destroyed or corrupted
So, what will it be?
>what the fuck
>I'm dead, I'm sure of it
>damn Tzeentch is putting some ideas in my head, this can't be, I barely know how to speak
>I really miss Krieg

>>63947751
>>63947542
>>63947177
>Be Trooper Fluffy, abhuman, Buctoo Survivors
>Getting clear of Ground Zero with Commissar Lone
>Hear something about giving the Necrons the planet
>Fan-Fugging-Tastic!!!! So sick of this world already, maybe next time we get to go someplace nice and quiet
>Waaaaaaaaiiiittttttt…………
>We get to leave before they get the planet right?
>Do not want to find out what it is like to be subjects of that pack of nutjobs
>Turn around just in time to see the Inquisitor get beat to a pulp by a female necron
>Don’t see noblewoman anymore, realize it is her, wonder if that is what she really looks like
>Necron Lord orders everyone to stand down, accepts Inquisitor’s offer, then starts talking about fairness in using similar weapons
>What is he talking about? Barely anyone is still using bows anymore
>And the Inquisitor is either dead or unconscious, so who is supposed to be accepting his offer?
>Glance at Commissar Lone wondering if she is in charge again
>Suddenly a Krieger starts talking
>Didn’t I abandon you in the Tomb?

>>63942429
>Meanwhile, back at the desert camp, AKA “Camp Party!!!!!!” 800 kilometers away….
>Be Junior Clerk Farena Seven, Stalinvast 104th, commissar’s adjutant
>Collecting data for daily casualty report
>Mildred is insisting that a sand viper slid up a man’s anus on its own accord
>Someone is a bit naïve……
>Add another entry to “Misadventure Column”
Jarrad Foxe (Cadian) – Deceased - Bitten by sand viper lodged in anus – Sexual deviancy suspected
>That was the third one today, may need to get its own category on the summary page
>Not sure why Mildred threw the body in quicksand
>That is a type 1 infraction
>Realize no one in the camp cares
>Decide to mine my own business…..

>>63931876
>>63940474
>Be me.
>Alpharius.
>Having the time of my life at this party that pretends to be a military camp.
>And considering how long said life has been, that's impressive.
>And I was around to watch the real Alpharius troll the shattered legions, by making them think they were trolling him.
>Thatwasagoodday.HH
>Wait.
>See black armoured astartes. White cross.
>Oh shit it's the crusading madmen.
>More oh shit, because he may recognise the signs of black carapace implantation, although my variant is older and different to his.
>Fuck I'm gonna have to adapt my story.
>He's wandered over to the sunbathing officer, who looks distinctly non-officer like.
>Or is that just me judging?
>Eh, who cares. Imma go build me a sand castle grand enough to make Dorn jealous.

>>63948157
>third one today
>third
>one
>today

And these Guardsmen have survived against Orks for 15 years how exactly?

>>63948320
>>63940474
>>63942429
>Be Captain Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
>Fast asleep
Pardon me ma'am, but do you know what planet this is?
FFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!
>Wake up
>Severely sunburned
>Why didn’t anyone wake me up sooner?
>Realize there is something massive standing over me
>Emperor’s Mercy, it is another Black Templar
>Mildred mentioned something about them a while back
>Said they were looking for a lost buddy
>Said they went to the dark side of the planet, where the fighting is
>Stammer something out along those lines
>Realize I didn’t answer his original question
>Realize I don’t actually know what the planet is called
>It was probably on the front cover of the briefing packet, but I didn’t read that far
>Luckily he walks off while I try to invent a convincing name
>Painfully limp off to find Mildred and get some pain meds
>Pass a massive brute of a man on way to medical tent
>Enhanced cogboy menial maybe?
>I can figure it out later
>First, pain meds

File: 20180911_030125.png (60 KB, 300x300)

60 KB PNG

>>63948514
> be me Black Templar
> wait was it something I said?
Ummm.....
> why is she red?
> fuckit.vox
> follow her
> howlonghaveIbeenhibernating.controlledpanic
> Notice the guardsmen don't have lasguns.
> no lasguns....
> oh throne.
> oh throne no.
> is this a feral world?
> I'm never gonna get back to the chapter at this rate.

>>63948347
Technically almost all the Guardsmen that appear on this thread, including probably all three snake colonoscopy victims, are new comers that arrived 2-3 days ago

Also, everyone important is 800 kilometers away and probably not coming back, so discipline at the desert camp has completely broken down

>>63948597
>Be Captain Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
>Can’t remember where medical tent is
>Decide to stumble around for a while to find it
>Discipline in the camp is worse than I remembered
>Almost no one is carrying weapons
>Trooper Catnip runs by practically naked with one of the bows the locals were using, and her body streaked in green and red paint
>Sigh, what is she high on this time…..
>Get to medical tent, it is practically empty
>Only a few severely wounded soldiers and uber dedicated medical staff are still here
>Mildred is no where to be seen, and the other medics are holier-than-you judgemental types that I make a point of avoiding
>Grab a bottle of pain meds off a counter
>Turn to leave
>Black Templar is there
>Technically I should be afraid, but pain and dehydration combine to produce momentary lapse in judgement
>I find myself talking loudly and slowly, like to a brain damaged imbecile
Are You Deaf, I Said Your Friends Went To The Dark Side Of The Pla-Net
>Fuck, I am so dead……..
I mean uh, do you need me to uh, arrange a transport, Milord
>Try to curtsy, but not wearing a dress

>>63948157
>>63939589
>>63917553
>Be Junior Clerk Farena Seven, Stalinvast 104th, commissar’s adjutant
>Still at desert camp
>Still in charge of daily casualty report
Summary:
6 dead, 83 wounded – Misadventure (including three that died from sand viper bites to rectum – possible pattern?)
???? missing
8 dead – sand viper bites – not counting ones that were clearly provoked
6 dead – from injuries incurred prior to today
3 dead, 2 wounded, possibly more missing - Sanguinala Tree Worms
>Apparently they release pheromones that cause people to become wildly sexually attracted to them, then they get stuck and pulled into sack of acid – don’t remember that from the briefing – wait didn’t the briefing get interrupted when we were talking about the Tree Worms
0 dead – executed by the commissar
>Looks like you are no longer in the top five, at least not on the light side of the planet
>No idea how many men the Commissar has executed on the night side of the planet, but probably a lot
>We will likely never know….
>Already got all the details of the 200 that went to the dark side of the planet lined up
>Just waiting to see if they are declared dead or MIA before I fill out the paperwork

>>63949116
> be me, black templar
> staring down at the quaking woman.
> idontgetpaidenoughforthis.codex
> lightly flick the captain's temple.
> normally I'd kill her, but considering how fucked everyone else appears to be....
> yeah I'm not about to kill the only competent human I've seen in....
> how long was I asleep for?
What year is it?

>>63948514
>>63948320
>>63949116
>Be me. Alpharius.
>Currently wondering what my name actually is.
>My real, birth name.
>I've gone for so long, just using ever-shifting ident-codes and calling myself Alpharius that I honestly can't remember it.
>Officer girl stands up, looks pained.
>She's actually pretty badly burnt.
>No melanchrome to aid her, I feel a twinge of sympathy for the girl.
>Decide to accompany her to medicae. Am probably better at healing then whoever is in there anyway.
>No slight intended, but I have been practicing medicine from before the heresy.
>It's actually cool in the medicae tent.
>See Officer girl just grabbing pain pills.
>Oh no, you need moisturiser, pain pills will just risk overdose, increase chances of infection, injury complication and potential overdose complications involving nausea, lightheadedness and rapid peristalsis.
>Grab a tub of it and run after her.
>Gods damn it, if she can't take care of herself, I will.
>She's an enemy commander who is lax. Those are rare nowadays

>Be Young Guardsman
>No longer young due to warp shenanigans when I was sent to a Schola by those nice Sisters of Battle
>Had to leave early because the Canoness kept getting... handsy...
>Now Tempestus Scion in training
>showmeyourwarface.fmj
>Sent to get some desert and night fighting training on a tidally locked planet with the local garrison of Guardsmen
>cantcomplain.vox
>land at the base to find it nearly deserted
>Everyone still hanging around seems to have lost their fucking minds
>They're also absolutely terrified of their medic
>Go and report to said medic for the required immunization regimen
Oh hey, a felinid!

>>63949838
>>63949763
>Be Captain Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
>Skull pounding from thump just got to temple
>What year is it? What year is it!
>Supposedly the Imperial Calendar has been in shambles for decades, no one keeps close track anymore
Uh, some people think it is 108.M42, milord
>See the big menial from earlier walk over with a tub of moisturiser
>Some joker probably ordered him to get some as lube for something deviant
>Now is not the time

>>63947751
>>63947542
>>63947093
>>63947281
>Be Thypptyklpt, Lord of Change
>Was almost done corrupting the Necron Tomb Complex that has held my essence for millennia
>Will soon be free at last
>The only thing that has even the slightest chance of stopping my plans is if these newly arrived Necrons and Imperials join forces
>Even then, they have almost no chance of penetrating my maze of portals and illusions
>Inquisitor and new Necron Lord almost form an alliance
>Luckily the Necron Lord’s henchwoman knocks out the Inquisitor
>A guardsman tries to salvage the situation
>Subtly prompt him to point out flaws in Inquisitor’s offer
>Prompt him to offer a solution that the Necron Lord will never accept
>Alliance derailed, just as planned

>>63949838
>Be me.
>Alpharius.
>Gently manoeuvring through medicae tent after officer girl, giving advice to some of the more nervous looking medical staff.
>Most are perfectly capable, but there is always benefit to over ten thousand years of experience in the arts.
No a-medicae! Sucking the bite wound of a poisonous creature is both ineffective at removing the venom, but a surefire way to poison yourself in the process!
>Try to ignore how I almost said apothecary.
>Catch up to officer, who is still talking to astartes.
>Ignore that.
>Take bottle from her grasp, replace it with tub of cream.
No maam. Pain meds will only worsen your condition quite severely and prevent healing. Take the moisturiser cream, spend the day out of the sun and off the sand, preferably indoors doing non-physical activities and gently apply the cream generously over the affected areas.
>Note that I just interrupted the black templar.
>The crazy side of Dorn's sons.
>40.000badthingstodo.vox
Apologies co-my lord. Please, continue.

>>63947817
>>63950143
>Be me, Krieger
>They're... Silent?
>Well, they're not killing us yet so that a plus
>The furry is also here, fleeing? I guess, don't blame him to be quite honest
>Wait
>No, that's heresy
>Was this a... Change?
>No, no, no
>fuck, fuck, fuck
>they got me alredy? But... how? My discipline isn't lacking
>my faith in the emperor is unbreakable
>my resolve is stronger than the lust of a Sister of Battle
>AbsolutelyUnacceptable.angery
>If someone is fucking with my head in the Immaterium there's nothing I can do, I'm not a psyker... Am I?
>We're taught that we're not bestowed such heretical powers, but it should affect, atleast, one of us for each million, right?
>no! This is heresy, heresy and more heresy!
>I'll get out of this shithole and ask for a Tech Priest to shove some metal in my brain to keep me in line
>That is, if these xenos don't have a change of heart and decide that we're better off dead
>I miss Krieg
>And my faith for the Emperor is firm

>>63950143
>>63950332
>Be me, Cassandra the Unheard
>be the second head of the Lord of Change
>be also the one with a normal fucking name
>Lord Tzeentch wanted another Kairos so he just stapled me to some existing asshole
>been sending letters with the request for a seperate body ever since
>be also the one least interested in fucking mortals over
>be interested in fucking Thypptyklpt over
>he of course is too stupid to realise that I fuck him over every time
>he just manipulated some guy in a gas mask
>time fuck Thypptyklpt over
>take form of an angel and project myself inside the guardsmans mind
>warn him about Thypptyklpt and give him the ability to detect his influence
>JustAsPlanned.FuckYouThypptyklpt
>briefly was looking through the eyes ot he guardsman
>and then I saw him...
>...a very adorable felinid guardsman
>O MY LORD I LOVE HIM. I LOVE WANT HIM. I WANT TO PET HIM. I WANT TO MARRY HIM.
>make him sit down in a corner
>project myself into his mind
>take the form of a big tiddy felinid qt 3.14 angel
>time for brain sex
>get directly to the good stuff
>after having fun leave the felinid with with one of my feathers and a enhancement to his "everlasting"
>just made it bigger
>don't want to get him killed by the inquisibitch
>and besides I'm not into slaaneshi fetishes
>and gues what Thypptyklpt didn't notice
>still looking smug because he thinks his plan is going just as planned
>now time to enjoy his plan not going just as planned

>>63950201
>Be me. Alpharius.
>Be fetching water for officer because dark gods damn does her voice hurt my ears.
>Briefly look over some guy with an amputated limb. The pad sitting on the desk by his bed says venomous bite wound, required amputation.
>This could be a problem for the camp.
>Find water store. Seemingly dehydration is common in camp enough to keep a stash in the tent for it.
>At least the tent is cool enough.
>Take one for myself, one for the officer, and in afterthought, one for the marine. He looked like he just walked in from the desert, and I know full well that no water retention system is perfect in power armour.
>It's important to stay properly hydrated.

>>63950851
>>63950332
>>63950143
>>63947817

>Be Commissar Alice Lone
>Welp, possible heretical Inquisibitch is down
>DoIstillhavetoblamtheheretic.commissariat
>Suddenly Krieger walks in and starts talk sense
>Emperor's bones that's not something you see every day.
>Usually the most a Krieger will do is shot "AFFIX BAYONETS!" and then charge the nearest hostile
>Thethingstheyteachyouattheschola.voxcast
>Look at Necron Lord
>Look at scary, most likely heretical Astartes woman thing
>Realize I'm the ranking Imperial representative in these negotiations now
>FUCK.vox
>Gather my composure, take deep breath
"Give us a to retreat and consider the situation. We will get back to you and your... tea in a bit."
>Quickly drag Trooper Fluffy away from the table and back toward the exit of the pyramid
>Notice bulge on trooper crotch
>Turn redder than Blood Angel armor
>OhMYYYYYYYY.GeorgeTakei

>>63950112
>>63949928
>>63951083

>Be Medicae Mildred Katalina
>currently glaring lascannons at Captain Prissy for bringing ANOTHER Black Templar into MY Medicae tent
>Okay, technically it's not mine. I kind of, uh, inherited it.
>And before you ask, no, no shoving of sand vipers up rectums was involved!
>Previous head medicae got blammed for providing migraine pills to the local commissar at a dosage he wasn't happy with
>WhatpartofDoctorknowsbestdotheseidiotsnotget.voxcast
>Currently staying as far away from the Black Templar as possible in my tent
>No idea where that giant orderly came from, but as long as he keeps Mister 'purges abhumans for being abhuman' away from me, there won't be any trouble
>I don't want to have to try and shove a sand viper up the Black Templar's ass in order to avoid dying
>Hear someone come in and say an "F" word
>fuckingdamnit.felinid
>Does no one read that bloody sign?!
>Slowly turn around and draw myself up to my full height, glaring at new arrival
>IntimidationModeOn.exe
"Could you repeat what you just said?"
>He seems kinda young, but I'm not about to make an exception for youth if he just called me a fucking furry.

>>63950143
>Be me.
>Be VERY FUCKING CONFUSED Overlord.
>Only thing I manage to hear is “corrupted” and “tomb complex”.
>Well there was one already here, so...
>Order ships in orbit to just fucking glass the area.
>Realized it’s going to take a fuck load of time because I had them deactivate all the cannons and shit.
>Just sip tea and wait.

>>63909175
>Selfish Kreiger not giving everything over to command
Die heretic.

>>63951419
>>63950851
>Be Trooper Fluffy, abhuman, Buctoo Survivors
>Banging super hot felinid angel
>Wait what?
>Actually still being dragged around by Alice
>She stops and looks at my crotch
>Realise still have a partial erection
>Also, my dong feels significantly bigger than before
>Blush hard and try to cover myself with my hands
>There is a huge white feather in my left hand
>What just happened?!!???!!!

>>63919667
>Krieger Infected by Slanneshi thoughts
KILL IT BEFORE IT SPREADS!

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96 KB JPG

>>63950201
>>63950112
> be me, black templar
> internallyscreaming.panic
> FIVE
> HUNDRED
> YEARS
> I'VE BEEN ON THAT FUCKING SHIP FOR FIVE HUNDRED FUCKING YEARS!
> ohfuck.internal
> (pic related)
> takeadeepbreath.litany
> some fucker who looks kind of like an astartes gives her moisturizer.
> wellthatsthoughful.approval
> now then, what changed?
> well.... I have a source of information in front of me.
I have been away for a while, tell me what has changed in the last five hundred years.
> nailedit.vox

>>63950851
>>63951419
>>63952290
>Be me, Krieger
>Something is really, really wrong with my mind
>Angels, some guy with a strange name and shit like that
>I can also feel... Someone? Or something In my mind, it's quite confusing and somewhat "heavy"
>SeemsHeretical.Emperorbless
>Push him out, or better, "isolate" him. It feels like ripping apart my own brain and parts of my consciouness are fading away to the immaterium, forever lost in a ever-warping hellish dimension
>Empty again
>Well, not exactly
>I can "feel" it
>A whole dimension worth of heretical fuckery, agonizing screams and moans of pleasura, war cries and cunning plans; everything and nothing passing trough in a split-second, but taking an eternity to do so
>Reality flickers, everything is spinning and foggy. Millions of little speckles of dust float around us, billions of little creatures roam this room and trillions of particles create matter in neatly organized patterns to form life and structures of tech so advanced they look like magic
>But there's something else here, colossal in power and wickedness locked in here for millenia, waiting to be release to this world
>I try to warn them, but I have no mouth
>I have no mouth but I must scream
>the commissar gave retreat orders, my body follows them out of instinct, stumbling in its path to the outside world, colapssing on the sand
>Where is Krieg?
>Who am I?
>What is Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Forth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip poker?
>My faith in the Emperor falthers

>>63954330
>>63951419
> be me ladyservant marietta
> hmm.... it would appear that they need to reconvene.
> very well
> that krieger did bring up some solid points which are worth discussion.
> and i see that the commissar needs to indulge in her more.... base desires.
> howscandalous.gasp
> it is not my place to judge what she does with her free time.
> I am not an astartes anymore.
> sigh and bow to my lord
> apologize for breaking the table.
> However, I am not apologizing for giving that inquisitor a good hiding.
> arroganthoodlum.teasip