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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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>Be Guardsman from backwater agri-world
>Get shipped out to iceball on the edge of Imperium space to back up Kriegers, Catachans, Tallarns and Cadians against some crazy heretics
>Be stuck here for almost a year
>Fighting these damn heretics is going to make us miss Candlemas celebrations the local Sisters convent hosts
>Hear the Eldar are gathering at the planet's north pole for some sort Candlemas equivalent celebration
>Since when did Xenos celebrate Candlemas?
>Receive intel that heretics are trying to assault Eldar location at the North pole
>Heretics are gonna try and ruin someone's Candlemas
So this is the Imperium's Xmas, yeah?

Why do I get the feeling the cult is Slaaneshi? Fun-hating bunch of wankers.
> be me,
> sister Evelyn Samson of the order of the bloodied rose.
> hear that loyal guardsmen are going to miss the candlemas mass.
> sadsororitasnoises.choir
> hear that the reason they're missing mass is because they have to deal with heretics at the northern pole.
> tell the canoness.
> canoness is just as furious
> fucking heretics are gonna ruin candlemas for guardsmen?
> not on our watch.
> load up holly and a pine tree into one of the rhinos.
> kit out a detachment of sisters with candlemas prayer books and blessed boltguns.
> mallory even has a candles lit on her armor.
> festivepurging.litany
> if they can't make it home for candlemas, we'll bring candlemass to them.
>be cultist
>be worshipper of Tzeentch
>be on a frozen hell
>sees guardsmen and sisters of battle land
>ok who told them our plans
>probably one of the damn Slaaneshi cults
> be slaaneshi cultist
> fighting the guard due to ignoring Slaaneshmas celebrations
> Hear news about Eldar up north
> IprefermyeldarlikeItakemyrecaf.vox
> Never had an Eldar before
> mfw when smexy Bolter Bitches are crossing the threshold
> mfw it was me that sold out the Tzeentch lads to get some Sisters in the Slaaneshmas bender
>Be Logistics Officer Johannes.
>Apparently we are missing Candlemas
>This will not stand!
>Order my assistants to start gathering explosives, Recaf, Amasec.
>Apparently we are going to the North Pole
>Even more thematic for Candlemas
>Start packing the necessary supplies into a transport ship and prepare to take off.
>Be me.
>Be Kaptin Rukkgok Chakak Skullrippa.
>Be celebratin’ lootwaagh wif me boyz.
>Throwin’ back squignog, lootin bitz ta gift me nobz, ya know da fing.
>’Ulk comes outta da waagh ova an ice rok.
>Pinky-gitfinda startz beepin.
>Put on red kaptin’z kap, grab me beam, orda da boyz down.
>We’z gonna show da pinkiez, ‘umiez, an’ anyfing else da meanin’ o’ lootwaagh.
>be a single stranded eldar guardian
>viper broke down, have to walk
>fucking freezing
>gotta celebrate that Candlemas though
>come across guardsmen
>Hope I can seduce one into a lift
>Wait, I'm not a monkeigh
>be worshiper of Tzeentch
>be disguised as guardsmen
>some eldar chick is trying to seduce me
>gets idea
>yell over to the sisters of battle
hey look over here heretics
> be me, sister Evelyn
> rhinos are rendezvousing with the guard forces.
> setting up the christmas tree behind the trench line.
> exorcists begin firing in tune with the tunes being broadcasted via laud hailer.
> jump into the trench line being set up.
Merry candlemas guardsmen, we heard of your plight and came to assist.
> look at them all.
> see eldar doing a sexy pose by the side of the road.
> whatthefuck.vox
> see guardsman looking at me awfully lose.
I see it guardsmen, now please get out of my face.
>Seduction attempt failed
>Species gap, obviously
>Resort to regular tactic
Can I please get a lift to the north pole then? I'm missing out on my people's Candlemas celebrations
>They actually know what that is, might help
>be disguised worshiper of Tzeentch
>you could use this to your advantage
yeah lets bring her up there
>mfw they don't know their going to be sacrificed to summon a lord of change
>be me sister Evelyn
> raise bolter.
you have five seconds xenos scum, start running
> look at the guardsman.
> heresy.purge.
heresy. On Candlemas? What the fuck?
> draw boltpistol and place it against the head of cultist.
Care to correct yourself.
>Be Lord of Change
>Those idiots keep making plans to summon me
>Normally wouldn't mind, but it's Tzeenchmas, dammit!
>Strike a deal with a Great Unclean One to send a horde of Nurglings instead.
>The disgusting little buggers are wrapping "presents" to give to everyone and are eager to make new friends.
>be disguised worshiper of Tzeentch
umm lets go up there and slaughter they all. death to all xenos and praise the emperor
>shits your pants in fear
>Well that's the opposite of Candlemas right there
>Speak up
Actually, it would be great if you could join in. It's Candlemas after all, there doesn't have to be bloodshed on this festive time of the year, right?
>Diplomacy.nailed it
>Be Young Guardsman
>Be working on Candlemas decorations around HQ
>Everything is perfectly in accordance to Regulations, the Commissar would be proud.
>Stop when I notice a strange bundle of leaves hanging from a doorway above me
>Paralyzed by confusion and a strange urge to wait for someone to stand under it with me
>Damn near shit my pants when someone approaches
>It's an Eldar.
>A very obviously female Eldar. The boob-plate and hips make it painfully obvious.
>Says something in her weird moon-rune language, I think I heard something about /ss/, whatever that means.
>She grabs my face and kisses me. Passionately.
>I think I was just molested...
> be sister Evelyn
> think for a second.
You.... wish to partake in the holy candlemas celebration.
> recall stories of loyalist and chaos astartes ceasing hostilities during candlemas in the heresy era.
> iftheemperorsangelsdoit.example
very well.
> lower weapons.
Very well...
> she looks at the heretic.
You shall live.... for now.
>Da boyz an’ I hit da ground an’ get out.
>Start rokkin, shootin da shoota bit o’ my beamy fing an’ choppin gitz.
>Orda boyz ta fan out an git pinky waagh bitz, or “relikz” as da ‘umies say.
>Big sigh of relief
Thank you
>Know Candlemas is a good time for peace
>May as well head that direction
>Still don't have a ride though
>Refrain from asking the armored monkeigh, on thin ice as it is
>Will have to find a more willing guardsman
>Pass by one standing under weird plant
>Mutter to self how childish that is
>Sudden twang in head
>Can't resist, end up smooching the kid
>Fucking ew.gross
>Kissed a monkeigh, didn't like it
>Pretty sure the boy didn't either
>Move swiftly on in embarrassment
>Where's the mobile troop. God's, please, that was bad
> still me.
> sister evelyn
> move to follow the xenos.
> still don't trust her.
> see motherfucking xeno kiss a kid.
> whatthefuckingwarp.rage
> run up to the xenos.
> flyingtackle.cqc
> grab bolt pistol.
> knock helmet off.
> place it to temple
Care to explain yourself xenos?
>Be Young Guardsman
>Sitting on the ground, crying from the molestation
>The fact that she gagged and ran away didn't help in the slightest
>Grab that damnable bundle of plant matter and run to the Sister that just arrived
>Run up to the Sister, holding it above my head, and try to to explain what happened
>Have difficulty explaining because I'm weeping like a little bitch
>Why did I lie about my age to enlist?
>Should have stayed in the lower Hive at home...
>On the ground
>Fucking ouch
>Point at plant
I dunno, blame that accursed thing, made me do it!
>Dumbass kid brought it right over to us
>See she's starting to stiffen up
>Just like I did
>Not again
> be me, Evelyn
> look at crying guardsman, holding miseltoe over his head.
> watthefuck.litany
> why in the emperor's name is this in a guard camp.
> keep knee planted firmly in the xenos chest.
> grab kid and pull him into a hug.
Hush now child of the emperor, this shall not harm you any more.
> gently pry miseltoe out of his hand.
> pull out lighter given to me by my brother before I joined the convent.
> resist the urge to kiss him.
> noheresyshallstainme.faith.
> light it on fire.
> chuck it away.
> nope.vox
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>mfw misteltoe is has warp bending properties
Oh this is already getting silly and amusing as hell. Please do continue.
>Be Mistletoe
>Bitch just set me on fire
>Use the remainder of my strength and forcefully spread across the planet.
>No doorway shall be safe from my merry-making wrath
>As an added bonus, make my progeny fire-proof
>That'll learn that bitch.
> still me, sister evelyn.
> look up at the door and see MORE. FUCKING. MISELTOE.
> order everyone out of the tent.
> grab bolter.
> shoot the fucking thing, repeatedly.
>Relieved that the miseltoe is burned
>No more of that
>Now I can get a lift
>Miseltoe everywhere on all the doors
Oh no
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>Be Cadian 465
>mfw it's Candlemas
>mfw when we probably have to miss it because heretics and cultist
>Also I hear some long-ears are also celebrating Candlemas
>Since fucking when
>Grabs fla- I mean lasgun
Well boys, lets kill us some heretics
>Be Young Guardsman
>Have to take a break from my sobbing
>Look up at Sister and see her stare in horror all around her
>Eldar lady is doing the same, albeit still in the ground
>Glance around myself
>Sister starts screaming in fury, shooting up the camp
>Dammit! I worked hard to decorate the place!
>The Commissar is going to kill me.
>At least the mistletoe isn't my fault.
What is this stuff?!
>Be Keeper of Secrets
>Slaaneshikah orgys winding down in time for Slaaneshimas feasts of flesh.
>Be in charge of gathering some of the requested guests
>Take notice of the beginnings of lust between some of those lame hold outs and some kid
>Some prude comes along and burns the holy apphrodisia of my lord
>Assist in bolstering it's ability to incite "merriment."
> Disgonnabegood.cackle
> be sister evelyn.
>grab the weapon out of the child's hand
cease your firing! lest you hit one of your comrades!
> look at the kid.
> wait? A kid, in the imperial guard.
> wat?
> kneel down before the child.
look at me child, what are you doing here? You are far too young for this.
> emperor he's about as young as I was when big bro left home to join the schola.
> shake my head to drown out what happened after.
> damncultists.ptsd
>Be Young Guardsman Staughtius Shotius
>Sister Evelyn has come to help
>She asks me why I'm here
>Shit... she is the first person to notice that I'm just a kid
>Tell her the truth
>Lied about my age to enlist and get out of the lower hive of Det'roit
>Was really tired of constant gang wars and sleeping on a pile of rusty nails
I just wanted to serve The Emperor...
> be Evelyn
> look at the kid and be reminded of my own past before big bro found me.
> justanotherhiveorphan.past
> I'd probably have wound up like him if he hadn't found me.
> pull the child into a hug.
> pat him on the head lightly.
Child, you can serve the emperor when you're older. Did you have no one to take care of you? No parents, no older siblings? Surely you could have gone to the ecclesiarchy.
> scholasareathing.ad
>Be Cadian 465
>Whips out shovel
>Put lasgun on back
>Start shoveling snow
>Begins to make treaches
>Really damn easy because snow and kinda fun
>Be for we attack the heretic we need some trenches and fortification
>Be me.
>Be commissar here to ensure loyalty.
>Currently attempting to cut down all this mistletoe and urge the men onwards.
>See men socializing with the sororitas.
>Think nothing of it, it’s a pure thing to do.
>Finger on the trigger just in case.
>Be Young Guardsman
>Get pulled into a hug by Sister Evelyn
>Power Armor isn't known for hugability
The Schola wouldn't take me because I'm not noble born, and the Ecclisiarchy didnt want me "sullying their pristine floors" or something like that.
>Sister Evelyn smells nice...
>...why my peepee hard?
> she pulls back
What?! Didn't want you "sullying their pristine floors?!"
> whatthefuckisthisheresy.vox
> what the fucking idiocy is it.
Child what planet do you come from. To turn away a child of the emperor goes against everything the ecclesiarchy stands for.
>Be Young Guardsman
I-I'm from Det'roit, Sister...
>Dont even care if the shithole planet gets blown up or something. Just want to keep hugging Sister Evelyn
>She makes me feel safe.
>Turn around, bolt pistol one in hand, chainsword in the other.
>Heard the words “sully” and “pristine” coming from a sister of battle.
>Call over to the sister to get a handle on the situation of the cry.
> be evelyn
> look up at the commissar.
Commissar are you aware that a child is serving in your regiment?
> she lets go of the small guardsman and stands to her full height.
>Be Cadian 465
>23% done with treaches
>Should've ask the my Cadian brothers and the kreigs for help, but I'm pretty sure I got this shit
>Speaking of regiments why fuck are the Catachans and Tallarns here
>I can understand us Cadians because we're fucking everywhere
>I can kind of understand kriegs
>And this would be a walk in the park for valhallan
>Questions for later
> 28% done with trenches
>Shovel shovel shovel shovel shovel
>Tell the sister that if he’s in the regiment, he needs to work his keep.
>Nudge him to the Cadian trench digger to learn guard things.
>Confess that it isn’t my fault, he signed up.
>If he wants to serve the emperor, he can.
Merry Slaaneshmas
> be sister Evelyn.
> sigh and realize there's nothing she can do.
> pat him on the head.
serve the emperor well child, for he shall never abandon you.
> she sighs and unslings her boltgun.
> by the emperor such a sad sight.
> nothingIcando.imperium
>be disguised worshiper of Tzeentch
>get brilliant idea
>use your warp enhanced charisma
Here I’ll help make him into a fine guardsmen just let first bring him outside to help make more trenches
> be sister evelyn.
> raise an eyebrow.
Also lord commissar, this one was considering consorting with xenos.
> she points to the man.
> whydontyoutakeaseat.orkenson
>be disguised worshiper of Tzeentch
>how the fuck did your charisma not work
Well you see she said she was celebrating Candlemas so thought for at least this one day we could not try to murder each other
>this better work you have sacrificed too many people for this to not work
>Be Young Guardsman
>Commissar tells me to go to the trenches with that Cadian guy to learn.
>Not gonna argue, dont wanna get shot.
>Grab my own shovel and try to dig, following the veterans example and emulating his movements
>Be Cadian 465
>67% done with trench
>Hope people are preparing to attack and kill off the heretic
>Hope that the trench and the fortification well help them
>Really want to see the Sisters burn down some heretic
>See some kid starts digging with me
>Don't know which regiment he came from
>Goes to him
>Places shovel on his head
You boy, which regiment or world do you come from?
>Be Young Guardsman
>The Cadian veteran is asking me a question
>Oh, he wants to know where I came from
>Figure I got nothing to lose, answer truthfully
I'm from the Det'roit Hiveworld, First Regiment, Sarge!
>Answer in as confident a voice as I can muster, trying to stand at attention
>Be Cadian 465
>This kid speaks strongly
>But is he
>Knees down to look at his face
Ok one, I'm a sarge kid, no badges.
The hell is a Hiver doing hear, should you be defending you world or some shit?
Why are you here?
>Be Young Guardsman
>Try to force myself to relax a bit, I dont want to annoy Sarge.
I-I lied about my age to get away from my Hiveworld. The Commissar brought me here since I'm supposed to fight for the Emperor. I may be young, but I'll do my duty, Sarge.
> Be Tyranids
> Find Biomass
> Yus
Oof meant to say not, my bad
Once again boy, not a sargent, just a guardsmen.
Although fighting and serving the Emperor is the greatest reward, you should enlisted at an older age, but I respect your decision.
Now come along boy, we have a trench to make, and a fort to build.
>Goes back to completing trench
>Be mistletoe
>Be physical manifestation of Candlemas cheer
>busy spreading across the planet for MAXIMUM CHEER
>Imperial Guard region is secured, mistletoe is adorning each and every doorframe. Fireproof for good measure.
>Turn my gaze to the Eldar compound
>They are hidden, but not from ME.
>Focus my energy, Candlemas Cheer flowing through my photosynthetic brambles
>Blast that shit all over their compound like a cheap DEldar hooker at a bukakke.
>mistletoe grows all over the place, forcing groups to kiss in order to get anywhere.
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>Be ork in kaptain's waaagh
>We'z lootin the 'umies gubbins
>Find box wif weird red an white stuff inside
>Well, red means go fasta, fasta ork means fasta lootin, so I'll put it on
>Dunno wut white stuff is so put dat on too
>Get real itchy feelin on ma chin
>Cant take da white stuff off
"What the heee----HO HO HO!"
Dis gon' be gud
I love you OP. You're loved.
Bump for Orky Klaus.
>Calmly BLAM xenos fucker.
>There will be no heresy here.
>And besides, trying to change the story is tzeentchian heresy.
>Go back to cutting down this damn mistletoe.
>See dis git ask for a trukk an’ sum gubbins ta give.
>Feel loik gork an’ mork iz tellin’ me to obloige.
>Give ‘em me personal trukk, get da meks an’ grots ta making gubbins.
> be summoned nurgling
> somehow end up amongst Ork Waagh
> #notmygreenskin.warp
> somehow get shoved by Orks amongst the grots into building sleigh.
> don't know how to build, Papa never taught me
> Do know about gifts though
> mfw I proudly spread Papa's gifts of plague and disease to the good little Grotz and Boyz
> be sister evelyn.
> nod in satisfaction at seeing a heretic get blammed.
> merrycandlemas.youfilthyanimal
> turn to the commissar.
I hope you do not mind us joining you on this holy day. We heard of your plight and decided to bring candlemas to you since you could not join us for the holiday.
> I notice my sisters setting up a tree.
> make the sign of the aquilla
Merry Candlemas Commissar. May the emperor bring many tidings to you on this holy day.
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>Be Ork Nob amongst candlemas waagh!
> Smash open a humies door
> They screamin
> Take out of me bag of loot one of dem emprah face statues
> One gasps
> "That's just what i wanted for candlemas!"
> Nod
> More gifts to deliver tonite
Very Wholesome Thread.
>be Driva Ork Nob
>weirdo ork nob wit white beard tol' me i drive sleigh
>feel com-, compl-, compelele-, how do hummies say it?
>been drivin' around givin gifts to hummies and pointy eared ones
>see hummies building trenches ahead
>reach for gun
>no gun, just candy cane
>remember it's candlemass
>tell ork nobs to prepare gifs
>Be Lieutenant Second Class Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
>Stuck supervising a small platoon of soldiers from multiple regiments ever since I got left behind by my regiment during the previous campaign
>Apparently the transport ship WON'T delay its departure just so that a noblewoman can get her portrait painted
>It was an honest mistake, who knew?
>Now stuck with a bunch of smelly barbarians who have no appreciation for the natural leadership qualities of a woman of high birth
>Currently curled up on my bunk bed, reading a romance novel while sipping a peppermint hot toddie
>One of the Catachan pokes his head into the tent
>"Yo Prissy, the Commissar wants everyone cutting down those strange plants appearing everywhere"
>Sigh at interruption, and butchering of my name
>Put down book
>"Well get everyone in the platoon to do what he says!!!"
>Go back to reading book
>Catachan is still there
>"He said everyo-"
>Give him a glare that could peel paint of a Leman Russ"
>He finally leaves
>Sigh again
>Go back to reading book
>Life is hard being an officer in the Imperial Guard
>Be Rocky "Sarge" Cliveton, Catachan
>The LT doesn't want to come out and help destroy the tainted xenos plants
>Fine, the Commissar will sort her out soon enough
>Start hacking away at nearest cluster of xenos plant with my Devil's Claw
>Hear sudden noise
>It is that little abhuman runt from Carlos McConell
>She seems to have taken a shine to me ever since I gave her the nickname "Snowball"
>It was meant to be an insult mocking her dark hair and heavily tanned complexion, but some joker told her it is a high honor to receive a nickname from a Catachan and now she sticks to my side like glue
>She suddenly stops ineffectually stabbing a plant with her bayonet and looks up at me with hungry eyes
>Look down, realize she is standing on one of the plants
>Not this again.......
>Be Krieg 288
>Hacking away at foul xenos plant with entrenching tool
>Working along side pious Tallarn female
>Plant suddenly appears in midair, floating above us
>Suddenly start having heretical thoughts
>Crush them down with the iron will of a Death Korpsman
>Immediately go seek out priest or Sister to make penance
>be drunk demonete
>be celebrating Slanneshmas
>desides to spread good will and joy that’s not sexual at all
>start making mistletoe appear over everyone’s head
>Be Krieg Engineer 1337
>Just completed work on temporary fort with rest of squad
>Take short break to admire work:
>10 foot high walls made of ice blocks, 3 feet thick
>5 foot deep trench filled with sharpened icicles and landmines
>Two rows of razorwire on either side of trench
>Inside of wall has stacks of empty crates stacked against it so that Guardsmen can fire over wall
>Piles of ice balls everywhere as last resort in case run out of ammunition
>Inner keep is two story bunker made of ice blocks and spare building materials
>Already has head spikes ready to display heads of heretics and deserters
Best Snow Fort Ever!!!
>be squiggoth
>see guard camp
>see a guy with a funny looking gas mask
mmm tasty
>approach slowly with mouth wide open
>be candlemas hating dark eldar
>look down over the valley seeing those mon kei enjoying their themselves build snow forts and celebrating that stupid holiday
>gets an idea to ruin this day
I’ll swoop in under the cloak of night and take there candlemas away. Oh how that will be a fright
> Be ork commando
> be snikken around guard camp
> be dressed as keeg deff kore humie
>be squiggoth
>smell ork just before eating the guardsman
>turn around and run up to the ork
>bark and roll around in the dirt
>Be Krieg Engineer 1337
>Admiring fort
>Sad that will probably never get used
>See something large out of the corner of my eye
>It is a squiggoth rolling on its back
>Looks like we may get to use the fort after all
>Run inside
>Good thing we just finished installing some lascannons, heavy bolters, and heavy mortars
>Looks like Candlemas wishes come true after all
>be deff kore ork
> I hear somfing and turn around to see a squiggoth
>its shedding piles of fresh dirt on the snow
> i pet the squigg
>Be “pious” Tallarn female
>Upset that Korpsman ran off before could give him peck on cheek/gas mask
>Keep working alone for a bit while trying to decide which member of my company I am most interested in “accidently” kissing
>Pause for a bit, it feels like something is watching me
>Realize without the Korpsman, this part of the camp is surprisingly empty
> I see real keeg deff kore enter fort
> I stop squig and tell it to zog off b4 he gitz boomed.snikk
>da squigoff nods and hops off with little jumps that rattle the earth and sound like a basilisk fiering
>the squiggoth roars before it's out of sight
>be candlemas hating dark eldar
>sees squiggoth running towards you
>get another idea
Squiggoth calm down before you lose your head. For tonight you shall guide my sled
>squiggoth stops and stumbles
>falls at the feet of the deldar
>barks in approval
> be keeg ork
> I attach gold egale to helmit to now be keeg Kaptin ,and I enter the snow fort
> dere is a large green thing covred in shiney gubbins in the fort
> be sister evelyn
> a krieger guardsman is standing in front of me asking for penance.
> whatthefuck.vox
> give him some random prayers and tell him to go back and snog the tallarn
> it's candlemas for emperor's sake man, show some love
> aslongasitdoesntgotoofar.limits.
> sigh and hear some catachan mumbling about some "prissy hiding out in the barracks"
> watthefuck.vox
> stomp over to the barracks and kick open the door.
> youwillbecheerfulandyouwilllikeit.bitch
>Be Krieg Engineer 1337
>Squiggoth has wandered off
>No fight after all
>Realise that now have to build even bigger fort
>Gather squad, start outlining plans for massive squig proof fort
>Everyone gathers tools, march off to fort entrance to start work on even bigger fort, of which the existing fort would just be a small component
>Notice that Sisters have erected a Candlemas Tree in the fort’s courtyard
>Their faith is an inspiration to us all
>Notice Krieg officer in courtyard
>Everyone stiffens to attention and throws salutes
>Notice that “Krieg officer” is actually just surprisingly well disguised ork
>Nice Try xenos scum
>Everyone rushes forward to engage ork in melee with entrenching tools and ice picks
>For the Emperor!!!!!!!!
> Keeg Kaptin
> halt you lot ,you dare strike a zuperror!
>Be Lieutenant Second Class Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
>Still drinking peppermint hot toddie while reading romance novel
>Suddenly have door kicked in
>Spill hot toddie on pajama top
>It is a Sister of Battle!
>Discretely slip romance novel under pillow
>Wouldn’t want her thinking it was smut
>I heard of them burning people for much less
>Stand up, straighten pajamas, and put on my best officer expression
>”What can I do for you Sister?”
> be sister evelyn
why are you not spreading holiday ch-
> notice a book peeking out from under her pillow.
Wh- what is that?
> march over to the book.
> pull it out.
> ohmy.takei
> look at the lieutenant, look back down at the book.
> slip book back under pillow.
> walk up to her and whisper in her ear.
Come outside with the rest of us and actually partake in the celebrations and no one must know of this.
> One of my older brothers used to read a book like that from time to time
> mancouldrockadress.trap
> emperor does not look down on reading some steamy books.
> find her clean uniform
> chuck it at her face.
Get dressed my lady, can't have you looking like one of the lower classes in front of your men now, can you?
> exit the barracks.
> loyalistchuckle.vox
>be minor slaaneshi daemon
>possess the romance novel and start flapping the pages around
>grow eyes and a mouth with sharp teeth
>start reading it with a sultry and corrupting voice
>Be Krieg 288
>Blessed Sister of Battle tells me recite sacred prayers before “snog” the female Tallarn
>Nod at the wisdom of this
>Complete prayers as requested
>Realise that don’t actually know what “snog” means
>Originally assumed it meant “kill”, for being a vile temptress
>But Tallarn displayed no weakness in faith, only Krieg 288 who was weak
>Surely wise Sister of Battle realized this
>Perhaps “snog” means “perform penance in front of” or “say prayers with”
>Recite prayers Sister of Battle gave me as extra penance for yet another failure
>Resolve to not waste anymore of sacred Sister of Battle’s time and instead ask around camp
>Be me.
>Random Space marine.
>On uber top secret mission from Inquisition.
>Fucking hate my handler.
>Perched on hive spire looking down.
>Slow is gently falling, bells are chiming softly and the gentle hubub of voices drifts on the chill air.
>It's Candlemas.
>For this one time, loyal citizens put down their tasks to let themselves experience the joys of life.
>Almost wish I wasn't a Space marine, that I may feel them too.
>Look across hive rom vantage point. Sororitas and guardsmen are relaxing, and the city is calm.
>See many people however lacking. The cold bites deep and many are too poor to afford protection and join in festivities.
>Take small credit slip from pouch.
>My funding for this mission. Theoretically infinite, and unneeded.
>Remember my handler telling me about the rules of its use.
Only on the mission. Inquisition matters only.
>Chuckle to myself as I climb down to street level.
>Always hated my handler.
>Be me.
>Be investigating shouts coming from a tent.
>See Slaaneshi garbage in sororita’s hand, with a officer still in her pajamas.
>Book becomes possessed.
>Start shooting it, then curbstomp the remains.
>Pick up officer and toss her outside for being idle.
>Be Lieutenant Second Class Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
>Heartrate still extremely elevated, but also still alive
>Looks like the Sister of Battle is going to let me off the hook
>This time….
>Resolve to be more discreet in future during my readings
>Start getting changed into clean uniform
>Suddenly, book starts flapping pages, then reading itself
>Let out high pitched screech
>Sprint for door
>Commissar steps through door way and shoots book out of Sister’s hand
>Stand around in shock as he stomps on remains of book
>Throws me outside just wearing a mix of pajamas and uniform
>Decide to vacate the area anyways, not going anywhere near that book again
>Maybe I can steal a complete uniform from one of the other barracks…
> be me sister evelyn.
> see the book turn slaaneshi.
> yelp and drop it as the fucking trigger happy commissar begins shooting it.
> sees the commissar toss the officer outside half dressed.
> what the fuck is wrong with you?
> itscandlemas.outrage.
> grab the commissar by the throat.
No more executions on candlemas eve. It can wait until after the holiday is over.
> emphasize my point with chainsword.
> theemperorprovidesforall.faith
Or there will be a reckoning.
> beginning to think he's one from one of those puritan sects like the westborogian church of the divine form.
> fuckthoseguys.curse
>be tallarn guardsman
>in covered from head to toe in the heaviest winter gear available and unsanctioned
>decorating the candlemas tree
>see the commotion in the barracks and decide to go see whats going on
>something in the back of my head (could be the frostbite for all I know) is telling me thats a bad idea
>take a peek inside and see a commissar and a sister standing over the charred remains of a... book? oh emperor save us that has eyes
>I sneak away as fast as I can while trying to do as little noise as possible and pray to the emperor they didn't notice me
>Be Cadian 465
>Just finish making trenches with the kid
Ok boy, now we make a fort.
Then after we cutting down some trees and make firewood out of them, I'm pretty sure the Catachans and the Tallarns would appreciate it since they're not made to fight in such a winter hellscape.
>Seriously tho, why are they here?
>Start making the foundation of the fort and press down the snow to make it more sturdy
>Apologize for my rash actions, as I wished to handle the situation.
>Mention that I tossed her outside on the condition that she thought she was above work for the Emperor.
>Step outside, fire bolter into the air to gather the camp’s attention.
>Yell that all work shall cease, and that the candlemas festivities begin now.
>Promptly apologize to the officer afterwards.
> be sister evelyn.
> smiling happily
> tear in my eyes as I watch people begin partying.
> itsjustlikehome.nostalgia
> begin to sing a christmas carol, my sisters quickly joining in.
> smiling like a kid the whole time.
> emperor bless this diving holiday
>be tallarn guardsman
>sit down right next to the tree which seems to be the warmest part of the camp
>still freezing alive
>I hope someone would make a fire already
>bite a rations bar and almost break my teeth
>it's all freezing
>even my nose
emperor damn the cold
>be me
>be psyker
>be trapped on frozen hell hole
>still only good at having a voice in my head and sticking tentacles on things
>be trapped with a bunch of slaaneshi demons
>only way to keep them at bay is to tentacle-fy something for them to fuck
Can I trade these idiots out for some demons with a level of decency? Or better yet some humans and a hot chocolate?
>be daemon of nurgle with a level of decency
>be formed out of bloated rotting chocolate and human eyes
>notice your aura of depression
>want to give you papa nurgle's hugs
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>read this thread
>"I came alone and I go as a stranger. I do not know who I am, nor what I have been doing,"

Thanks for this /tg/ ;_;7
I'd prefer just removing these perverted morons, thanks
>be candlemas hating dark eldar
>see the sky begin to darken
>see them pitiful mon kei dance around in drunken cheer
>begin to put on your gear
>a coat as red as blood and a beard as white as snow
>you hope into your sled and wait for the base to lose it's glow
>Be Krieg 288
>Apparently one of the junior officers had a book that was possessed by some sort of demon
>Commissar threw her out on the street half dressed for being lazy
>Sister of Battle chewed him out for it
>Neither asked her where she got the book from
>Commissar tells everyone to stop hacking away at plants that spread heretical thoughts
>Candlemas may be an important holiday, but beginning to see a pattern here
>Will keep quiet and observe for now, but if things don’t change soon, I may have to act
>Who can I trust though…..
>Realize something.
>The sororita wasn’t trying to actively destroy the book.
>And something like that, as it is capable of attracting daemons, is most likely highly heretical.
>Keep tabs on sister of battle and offending officer, can’t show my hand yet.
>No one to trust, I must stand fast for heresy.
>Start taking down mistletoe that is growing too much in excess, but not so much that they think that I’m trying to kill the party.
Well that flew over my head
>Be daemonette
>Be bored
>Go harass psyker to see if he will turn someone into a new toy for us
> be sororitas
> sort of bummed out that I didn't react fast enough to burn the book.
> mustbealloftheeggnog.regret
> after the caroling, go off to watch the perimeter.
> idlethoughtsaredaemonsplaythings.litany
> Be Lieutenant Second Class Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
>Be very concerned
>Sister Evelyn seems fanatical about making this the best Candlemas ever
>Fanatical even for a Sister
>Start becoming a bit suspicious of these xenos plants growing everywhere
>Everyone is being festive and happy, even Sarge and Krieg 288
>Sarge hands me a VERY large flask of rum and eggnog
>Remember what Evelyn said about being festive with my platoon, or she might report on me about the book
>See the Commissar glaring at me from 10 feet away
>Chug eggnog and rum
>It tastes like spoiled milk blended with 2 month old roadkill
>Troopers actually drink this stuff, no wonder they are always so grouchy
>Almost throw up
>Commissar is still glaring at me
>Indicate to Sarge that I want another flask
>If the choice is between being festive and dying painfully, I guess I am being festive tonight
>Though my stomach indicates to me that dying may be preferable
>Be Krieg 288
>Pretending to be festive
>My commanding officers Lieutenant of 3rd Platoon “Prissy” and Sergeant of 2nd Squad “Sarge” both seem to be getting intoxicated as quickly as possible
>Clearly can’t trust them, not surprised though, both are faithless vermin
>The Sister rumored to be involved in the incident has disappeared somewhere
>The Commissar is glaring at us from nearby while doing something discrete to the plants he ordered everyone to leave alone
>Suspicions deepen………
>Be Krieg Engineer 1337
>Ork is trying to bluff his way out of situation
>Not this time vermin!
>Commissar’s voice blares onto vox
>”Everyone stop what you are doing and come celebrate Candlemas”
>Orders are orders
>You win this time xenos scum
>Everyone jogs back to base camp
>be psyker
>get harassed again
>attach a tentacle to both ends of a stick and throw it at demon
>isn't this one of our worlds anyway? Where is guard?
>Be Cadian
>Just finish making the foundation of the fort with the kid
>Also made a three feet hole later to be filled with fire wood
Alright boy lets go to the woods.
To get some wood.
>Gets Lasgun
>Start walking to the woods with the boy
>be candlemas hating dark eldar
>be sledding down that lonely mon kei base
>with they all being quite smashed you sneak in quickly just in case
>you rummage through the armory taking all the lasgun and such. You take off the decorations with a the delicate touch you.
>you steal and plunder all you can see. Tanks, ration, stockpiles of ammo.
>you even steal a brightly lit candlemas tree
>you pack it all into your sled. While you leave with a devilish grin
>Be Krieg 288
>Listening to my heretical officers “Prissy” and “Sarge” gossip
>Apparently this whole expedition is to help some eldar pagans celebrate their heathen ceremony
>Apparently the Sister already allowed one of them into the campsite
>Now firmly convinced that every senior figure in this expedition is a heretic
>Not sure what to do with this information
>Make rounds to armory while picking mistletoe.
>Everything is gone.
>Contact everyone on the vox unit to try and catch the filthy heretic who did this.
>Be Mistletoe
>Some Dark Eldar GRINCH is trying to steal Candlemas from the masses
>Okay, calm down, I can fix this...
>While I was busy spreading cheer to the Imperials, I remember the Eldar Camp at the North Pole
>Focus particularly hard on their leader
>Send subliminal fir-scented messages to "convince" them to stop the thieving prick and return all the stolen Candlemas goods.
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> be me, sister evelyn.
> see dark eldar riding off with all of our shit.
> ohhellno.heresy
> take aim with my bolter.
> flip the switch to full auto, begin firing at the dark eldar.
> begin sprinting after the eldar in the sleigh.
> fuckingxenos.purge
>Be Young Guardsman-boi
>Cadian dude let me help with digging snow trenches, and now we're gonna collect firewood!
>I'm actually enjoying myself, listening intently to every lesson the veteran has to offer.
>Come back to the base with several wheelbarrows full of wood
>It's barren...
>Everything I worked so hard to set up is just... gone...
>Sister Evelyn is furious, chasing after something, but I'm too sad to really notice what she's running after.
>Maybe I can make a substitute Candlemas tree from all the Ammo and Supply crates lying around?
>That could work. It'll distract me from my sadness, at least.
>Follow behind sororita, chainsword in the air.
>Try shooting out the sleigh’s struts, works on other vehicles.
>Be female Tallarn
>Drank way too much rum and eggnog during Candlemas celebration
>Black out not long after reporting for guard duty at armory
>Wake up to vomit
>Peek inside armory after done, just in case
>It is completely, absolutely, empty
>Notice guard duty ledger is also missing
>Hopefully the thief took it and not an officer
>Stumble back to barracks, hoping everyone is too drunk to remember who had guard duty tonight
>Hear Commissar shouting on vox just as I get back to my barracks
>Get trampled by everyone rushing out to give chase to the thief
>What did I do to deserve this?
>be squiggoth pushing sleigh
>get bolter'd
>fall to the ground and start being carried by the melting snow thats slowly turning into an avalanche
>Comes backs with lots of firewood
>See are shit stolen
>See boy be sad
>Get pissed
>Give boy lasgun
Boy after to put the wood in the hole, light it up with the lasgun, then get the Catachans and Tallerns to warm up
>Grabs shovel
I'm going to go full krieger on some darky emo bitch.
>Chase after dark eldar thief
>Be Eldar Farseer
>Base is completely overrun with strange plants, Slaanesh taint suspected
>Most of garrison evacuated while nature of plants is determined
>Plants start sending impulses to do something
>Try to shut them out, but fir-scented messages too strong
>See the Light!!!!
>Realize the importance that Candlemas has to the primitive mon-keigh
>And the parallels to our own similar celebrations
>Order everyone still at base to mount up and hunt down our rogue cousin
>Everyone looks at me strangely at first, but then one by one straighten and comply
>Clearly the plants had spoken to them as well
>be candlemas hating dark eldar
>well looks like they their chasing after you
>you grad out a stolen bolter and sees what it can do
> be sister evelyn.
> is that the canoness's bolter?!
> how the fu-
> raise boltgun and fire at the the dark eldar's disgusting xenos head.
> motherfucker stole candlemas.
> still sprinting.
> why didn't we get snow shoes?
> why is power armor so heavy.
> fueled by the power of pure rage and the urge to purge.
>Finally manage to hop on the back of the sleigh.
>Swing up, kicking Xenos in the crotch as I prepare to duel him with a chainsword.
>Candlemas will be saved!
>Be me, lone Astartes.
>The bonfire before me burns bright into the night, warmth radiating off of it in defiance of the cold.
>People from all walks of life are arrayed around it, keeping warm and lit, more trickling in by the minute.
>People are walking in between the masses, handing out food and drink to the people gathered.
>I hired the services of three of the nearby food establishments for the night, and gave them orders to prepare hearty and filling food and drink.
>They did so. Nothing was wasted.
>A band of entertainers I hired plays gentle music by the fire, as more wander through the groups, giving gifts to the assembled.
>They were small, carved wood items mostly, but they made people smile well enough.
>Nearly five thousand thrones spent on half that number of people.
>Money well spent.
>Quietly slip off into the darkness.
>That was my third group tonight, and it would be far from my last.
>Barely notice the sound of distant gunfire.
> Be Lieutenant Second Class Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
>Be lost
>Gave chase to giant sleigh with all our stuff in it along with everyone else, but fell into some sort of ice cave
>See two daemonettes fighting over a stick with tentacles coming out of either side
>Not going that way
>Start sprinting in other direction
>See a Commissar kick long ears in the crotch
>Now thats funny
>Still run after the sleigh with my shovel

>Be Felinid guardsman Lavi Rollo
>stuck here on frozen hellhole with a bunch of other guardsmen
>Had curled up into a ball in the armory with a bottle of amasec I brought from home to sit out Candelmas before falling asleep in an ammo crate
>Having your race discovered by a rogue trader gets benefits apparently
>That or Carlos McConnell just wanted all the Felinid women drunk off their asses
>Suddenly wake up in ammo crate to sound of gunfire
>Poke head out of crate and see Dark Eldar Xenos shooting stolen bolter
>See Commissar jump on sleigh
>Immediately jump out of ammo crate and try to be Dark eldar over head with box of ammo
>be candlemas hating dark eldar
>the soritas shot almost taking your head off
>now some commissar got on top you sled and tried to kick you in the crouch
>mfw when he doesn’t know your wearing armor under your disguise
>mfw you give up trying to rhyme
>and he now wants to duel you
>kick him in his unarmored crotch and push him off your sled
>realize your squiggoth is dead
>be other direction
>other direction is khornate for the way your head will be after that swell guy kharn is done with you
>and then suddenly
which way is the avalanche going?
towards or away from the pursuers?
> be sister evelyn.
> finally grab onto the back of the sleigh.
> dig my heels in and sink to my waist in the sleigh.
> holyemperorthatscold.litany
> sleigh grinds to a halt
> now realize I'm stuck in the snow.
> fuck.
> welp.
> might as well keep holding onto the sleigh.
> sling bolter strap over shoulder.
> hold it one handed and raise it to point upward at the back of the sleigh.
> peakoveryoucunt.blam
>Thank the Emperor for cod peices.
>Filthy xenos wasn’t expecting a Commissar to be ready for battle at any time?
>Grapple xenos off of sled as I fall.
>Try to make him land head first.
>See Soritas make the sleigh stop
>See Commissar throw emo bitch off the sleigh
>Pick up Dark Eldar by the neck
I'm a guardsman
I'm going to beat the ever living shit out of you
>Proceed to his face in with the face of the shovel
> Be Lieutenant Second Class Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
>See Astartes come running in other direction
>Pretty sure it is not the friendly kind
>No other directions available
>Curl up in ball on ground and hope for best
>be candlemas hating dark eldar
>be thrown off your sled
>land on your back
>kick the commissar off you
>sees sister of battle trying to take back their stuff
>activate the explosives
>get ready to fight that commissar
>be kharn the swell guy
>approach the guardswoman
Excuse me miss, do you have a moment to speak about our lord and saviour khorne?
>Realize I left my bolt pistol and sword.
>Time to go hand to hand.
>Uppercut the knife ear.
>Be Mistletoe
>This DEldar Grinch-cunt is really starting to piss me off.
>Send Santork Klaws to lend a hand
>Also blast that thieving little shit in the crotch with pure CANDLEMAS ENERGY, just for giggles
> Be Lieutenant Second Class Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
>Curled up in ball
Excuse me miss, do you have a moment to speak about our lord and saviour khorne?
>Wait, isn’t Khorne one of the Chaos Gods?
>Curl up in tighter ball
>be kharn the swell guy
>Make a tear in the warp and reach out to your dibs
>take a nice looking bronze coated skull chair
>sit down and take a pipe made of your battle-brothers bones
Well you see back in the 30th millenium there was a guy called emperor, he's a corpse now. so now in the 40th millenium you worship a corpse yes? a corpse has a skull and it sits on a throne, which means
yes you corpse worshipers have already turned to khorne and you just haven't realized it yet.
>revs chainaxe
If you don't consider this a valid point though
I'm sure we could find another way to enlighten you
>be candlemas hating dark eldar
>now the commissar is trying to punch you
>stab him in the gut and walk away

>Be Felinid Guardsman Lavi
>Tried to tackle Deldar, missed
>End up falling off Sleigh and down into some sort of ice cave
>Hear chainaxe revving in the distance
>Maybe its one of them Space Marine guys
>Run toward the sound, spot Lieutenant
>that is NOT a good space marine
>suddenly blurt out:
"How do you know the emperor's a corpse if every statue and pictcast of him shows him having flesh and being alive in the 40th millennium?"
>Sometimes I really, really should keep my mouth shut.
>Tis a flesh wound.
>I’ll have the medics look at me later.
>Jump up and drop kick the fucker.
>be kharn the swellest of betrayers
>notice a cat creature babbling something about the emperor
>verbally express YOUR RAEG
>Stand up and push the guardswoman aside
>lift chainaxe and roar at the insolent little cat
>remember those times on terra when we were fighting ursh and saw them eating little cats
>be candlemas hating dark eldar
>just got drop kicked in the face
>proceed to repeatedly stab him in the face
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>Be felinid guardsmen
>stagger backwards and land on my ass, nearly drop amasec bottle
>Get idea
>Its a stupid one, probably gonna get me killed, but its worth a shot
>Hold up amasec bottle
"Uh... You look thirsty. Want a drink?"
>That’ll do it.
>Wander to nearest medic, demand to be patched up.
>be kharn the swell guy
>grab the amasec from the cat's ridiculous oversized paw
>drink it all in one go
>Swing the chainaxe at the cat
>Be Korpsmen 111, 48, 665, and 34
>Also be felinid Guardsman Fluffy
>Rush forward to aid Commissar and Cadian in melee with Dark Eldar
>Except Fluffy who is wondering how to avoid engaging Dark Eldar in combat without it being obvious
> be sister evelyn
> finally extract myself from the snow only to see the deldar stab the commissar in the face.
> welp.
> youknowwhattimeitis.sodomy
> cock boltgun
> affix sarissa onto boltgun.
> bayonetcharge.sororitasstyle
> pure holy rage as I stab the deldar cunt in the spine as he shanks the commissar.
> its a sentient centipede of stabbing.
> loyalistfury.vox
>Be Lieutenant Second Class Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
> Curled up in tight ball
>Traitor Marine is talking about something
>Too scared to listen
>Hear him revving up chain weapon
>Hear Lavi say something to provoke Marine
>Stand up in order to start running again
>Your sacrifice will be remembered Lavi
>Get shoved by Marine as he gives chase to Lavi
>Hit head on ice stalactite
>Knocked out cold
>Be daemonettes
>Stalking mortal we saw earlier
>Hide as follower of Khorne gives monologue to pair of mortals
>Follower of Khorne starts chasing one of the mortals
>They are coming this way
>Prepare ambush
>be candlemas hating dark eldar
>stabbed right in the back
>fuck this hurts
>gets yourself dislodged from her blade
>proceed to stab her in the face
> be sister evelyn
> thank the emperor I wore my helmet today.
> fire bolter at point blank into the deldar's gut.
> how the fuck is she still standing.
> whywontyoudie.litany
>be kharn the swell guy
>never betrayed anyone in my life
>Keep chasing the cat and in a bloodlusted RAAAAAGE fall into the trap
>scream like an impotent trueborn dark eldar who got his toys taken away
>wave my chainaxe around like a madman
>be candlemas hating dark eldar
>just got shot in the gut
>your takes most of the damage but your still greatly wounded
>mfw the mon kei is so stupid that she think I’m a girl
>stabs the sister of battle in the eye
>try getting away
>Be Cadian 465
>Go up behind the dark eldar while it fight the Sororitas
>Uses bayonet to stab the dark eldar in the back of it knee to slow it down
>Proceeds to bash it over the head with the shovel like a Kreiger
>Be daemonettes
>Follower of Khorne fell into ambush, just as planned
>Decide to prance around him in circles for a while, evading his attacks
>Even a Berserker tires eventually
> be sister evelyn
> shriek in pain as a knife breaks the glass on her helmet and pierces her eye.
> running on pure fury she yanks the knife out of her eye and shoves it into a chink in the cunt's armor and up into the ribcage. Digging into the soft organs beneath.
>be kharn the swell guy
>get tired
>focus on one deamonette at the time
>be candlemas hating dark eldar
>be stabbed in the ribs and knee
>how the fuck did she break of on of your many armor spikes
>thank khaine you’ve been through worse
>use other spike to stab her in the other eye
>punch other the guy who just stabbed you in the knee
>Be daemonettes
> Follower of Khorne is perhaps more competent then we first assumed
>Scatter in all directions
>Small ice tunnels for us to hide in everywhere and plot another ambush
>One of us stumbles on unconscious mortal, grab her in order to bring her to psyker-man, maybe he will make her into new toy for us
>Two more of us spot other mortal, give chase
> be sister evelyn
> lower head at the last moment.
> knife goes through eye socket and below the eye.
> thank the emperor
> alright fuck this.
> draw bolt pistol, place it against the temple of the knifeeared cunt.
> pull the trigger.
> getblammed.cunt
>be kharn the swellest of khornates
>drink the blood of 2 daemonettes and watch the others scatter
>laugh thunderously and give chase inside the tunnels
>prepare to summon your battle brothers if this turns bad but doubt you'll need it
>after all you are a great champion of khorne

>Be Felinid Guardsman Lavi
>Oh god-emperor this Khorne worshipper is ignoring me in favor of the other daemons
>Sees Daemonette trying to take lieutenant away
>Ears twitch nervously and I chase after daemon thing, trying to save the lieutenant
>be candlemas hating dark eldar
>thank god her bolter jammed
>proceed to repeatedly stab her in the eye making sure you get it this time
> be sister evelyn.
> grab knife.
> tilt helmet down to ensure it bounces off the top.
> impale hand on one of the spikes.
> grab knife out of torso.
> proceed to repeatedly stab it into the ribcage and organs of the cunt.
> shanking intensifes.
>Be daemonette carrying unconscious mortal
>See small mortal charge at me
>See two more daemonettes stalking small mortal
>Drop unconscious mortal
>Assume most seductive form
>This is going to be fun
>Be Cadian 465
>Get punched in the face
>This bitch
>Kicks bayonet more farther into the back of its knee
>Proceed to use shovel to put dark eldar in a chokehold, making it open for all melee attacks
>sleigh's machine spirit
>tired that everyone is literally walking all over me
>decide to rebel
>I want daddy slaanesh to fill me with his gift so I can feast on the knife ears and the corpse worshipers
>be candlemas hating dark eldar
>remembers you have psyker powers
>make illusions to distract her
>slowly drag yourself away
> be sister evelyn
Get dragged along by the hand impaled on the spike, still stabbing her in the side.
> organs are hanging out at this point.
> reach inside, feel something long and ropey.
> grab it and pull it out.
> huh intestines.
> get a downright dangerous idea.
> wrap the intestines around the cunts neck.
> itsnotheresyifitkillxenos.justification
> tighten the intestines around the cunts throat until she starts to gasp.
choke on it you candlemas ruining bitch.
>be candlemas hating dark eldar
>begin to lose consciousness
>see your sled beginning to move on it own
>pass out due to lack of oxygen
>Be Korpsmen 111, 48, 665, and 34
>Also be felinid Guardsman Fluffy
>Ready to charge Dark Eldar
>Sister gets there first
>Dark Eldar wounds both Commissar and Cadian
>It all happened so fast!
>Assume melee between Sister and Dark Eldar will be resolved quickly one way or another
>Form firing line just in case Dark Eldar wins
>20 seconds later, they are still stabbing each other rapidly
>How are they both not dead?
>Glance nervously amongst ourselves
>In the time this took Dark Eldar is now dragging self slowly away while being grappled by Cadian and Sister
>Sister appears to be using own intestines to strangle opponent
>Death Korpsmen nod in approval
>Fluffy’s face looks a bit green
>See dark eldar pass out
>Takes bayonet out of the back of its knee
>Stabs dark eldar in the back of its head
>Takes it out
I'm not taking any chances
>Proceeds to stab dark eldar multiply times in the back of its head
> be me sister evelyn
> finish strangling deldar with its own intestines.
> grab knife.
> saw dark eldar's head off, and hold it up for all to see. panting heavily beneath helmet.
take off helmet, eye bleeding heavily and blood running down my cheeks like tears.
> spit on the corpse.
> xenos scum.
> punt the head down the mountain.
> look up and see the sleigh moving on its own.
> begin to run after the sled again.
> was i always this groggy?
> ohrightI'mstillbleeding.realization.
>Be Slaanesh
>It is Slaaneshmas
>Everyone expects me to grant a few wishes in the spirit of Slaaneshmas
>Sounds like hard work
>Set autoreply to “Yes, Wish Granted”
>Order various senior Keepers of Secrets to make wishes happen
>Go back to more important matters….
>be sleigh
>feel the corrupting power of slaaensh flowing through me
>consume the falled deldar's soul and call to all the guard with promises of getting their things back
>being a stupid chaos spawn sleigh I didn't realize I forgot to corrupt the items on my back
>Be Cadian 465
>Finish killing emo long ears with the Sororitas
>See seigh become deamon machine and run away with are stuff
>See Sororitas fall on the ground cuz of injury
>Point and yell at the Kriegers
>Run after sleigh with shovel
>Be Keeper of Secrets
>Assigned to grant wishes of sentient sleigh
>I guess I can work with this
What would you like my child?
Spiky tentacles?
Liquid cocaine spewing nozzles?
Ability to consume the souls of mortals you slay, trapping their writhing forms on your chassis for all eternity?
>be sleigh daemon engine
>just want to look cool and edgy
>tell the keeper of secrets
I want the 4th, I want to be just like lucius
>Be Korpsmen 111
>Cadian orders everyone to either give chase to sleigh or help the Sister
>Most of our stuff in the sleigh is on fire, no doubt thanks to the Dark Eldar
>The rest is probably being slowly corrupted
>Also sleigh is moving pretty fast
>Give chase anyways with Korpsmen 48 and 665
>Korpsman 34 and the abhuman stay behind to bring Sister back to base
>Be Keeper of Secrets
>Technically that was the 3rd option
>Still, it is pretty smart for a sleigh
>Grant wishes of edgy appearance and soul consumption / trapping ability
>One wish down, 13,563,246,745 to go
>Be Rocky "Sarge" Cliveton, Catachan
>While everyone else was chasing the sleigh on foot, rallied a few of the more sober guardsmen and order them to man any motored vehicles that were not stolen
>Pull up in Salamander next to the group of guardsmen that ran the furthest
Anyone need a lift?
>Be Trooper Catnip
>Felinid, obviously, duh
>Riding in supply truck
>Truck pulls up next to sleigh
>Hop from one moving vehicle to the other
>Start tossing supplies back to my less brave comrades
Candlemas is not over until we say it is over!
>be hive fleet
>lictors informed us of planet ripe for the taking
>enter orbit
>rain down spores and mucolid spore clouds
>Warriors, gaunts fexes and hive tyrants galore
>see a particularily large settlement nearby, full of humans
>hive mind says its christmas
yup, its time for christmas dinner
>Be Shas'O'chungus
>Watching all the chaos via drone feed
>Etherial shows up while I'm drinking my fugging tea.
>"Commander, do you have a battle plan for all of this?"
>"Let 'em go at each other then we can come in and clean up the scraps... this... candlemas dumpsterfire does not serve The Greater Good."
>"Very well... solstice inspections and memorials start at 0530." The Etherial says before leaving.
>I fucking wish I went to the enclaves... at least O'shovah lets his fire warriors party.

>Be Felinid Guardsman Lavi
>Ears twitch in surprise as daemonette turns and strikes seductive pose
>staggger backward, blushing slightly
>hear hooves falling behind me
>look back and see 2 more daemonettes
>frantically crawl backward until I'm up against Pricscilla
>Look up at ice cave ceiling
>there's a bunch of stalactites hanging from it
>Have sudden inspiration from that old 'A Candlemas Carol' with the three four spirits
>grab Lieutenant Priscilla's las pistol off her waist and frantically fire at the stalactite over the daemonette next to us
>stalactite falls down toward daemonette with aim to crush her
>realize I also grabbed Lietutenant Priscilla's entire belt in the process
Why is /tg/'s shit better than Black Libraries?
Because we have a Reputation to uphold.
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>be Driva Ork Nob, Boozloota
>Da boiz prepar'd da gifs for da hummies
>see hummies fightin' an' chasin' a sleigh
>silly hummies don't know how to driva a sleigh
>yous sit on it not chase it!!
>lick me candy cane
>take off in a plum of smoke an' snow
>one of me boiz throw loota chain at sleigh
>shoot me gun in the sky as reflex
>silly me, that's no gun, that's a candy cane
>see candy shooting out of candy cane
the santa orks are back baby
>Be Trooper Catnip
>Ork vehicle appears out of no where
>Launches grappling hooks
>Sleigh jerks sideways
>Lose balance
>Holding onto edge of sleigh with barely one hand
>Be daemonette
>Hear urgent psychic summons
>Apparently it is all hands on deck to help response to Slaaneshmas wishes
>Fellow daemonettes disappear into warp one by one
>Grab unconscious mortal just before disappearing into warp to take her with me
>Ice stalactites rain down where we were just a second later
>Lock mortal in cage in private quarters before heading out to help with Slaaneshmas
Merry Slaaneshmas! Hope you like starring in your very own romance novel
A wholesome greentext thread on Christmas eve celebrating Candlemas?
Adorable. The God-Emperor Approves of this thread.
>Be Young Guardsman boy
>Not old enough to join in the running gunbattle taking place.
>Follow my orders as best I can
>Set up a bonfire in the camp, make sure nothing that isn't supposed to be set on fire is a safe distance away from said bonfire pit
>Use my Lasgun to start it up, just like I was shown
>Wander around and direct everyone still at base towards the fire so they can warm up
>Even take the time to start making recaff and hot chocolate
>This is going to be the first Candlemas I've ever had that didn't involve pants-shitting terror from being stuck in the middle of another Gang War.
>I hope the Commissar and that Cadian guy are alright.
>I hope they'll be proud.
>Be me
>Khorne berserker Facefist the Dire

>Merry Candlemas
>Be a Squat
>No Candlemas
>No anything
>No Squats
That defeatist attitude is why you guys don't get anything for Candlemas, Urist.

>Be me
>Black Templars Marshal Eiger Zornhau
>Hear about Candlemas
>Sounds like Heresy
>The God Emperor approves?
>Definitely not heresy
>It's the opposite of heresy
>Brother Tankred, you are the most rotund of our crusade, so you shall be this Santa Claws they speak of
>Oh wait, the Santa Claws delivers the gifts?
>Oh Brother Lestus, you have gifted me Bolter rounds, how very thoughtful.
>Oh wait sorry Brother Himdal
>Woe betide those who live until Halloween
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I love all of you. Merry Candlemas.

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>be me, Khorne
>sit on my throne
>bloodthirster comes up and says it's time for candlemas dinner with the other chaos gods
>charge the daft cunt with my axe
>remember it's candlemas
>give him a skull from my pocket
>grunt at the fucker
>bloodthirster takes off
>he fucking better
>Tzeentch will surely pull some warp awful prank
>Nurgle will cook something even more horrible than last year
>that perverted motherfucker Slaanesh will try to hit on me
>i hate candlemas

Merry Candlemas my dudes
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>Be Cadian 465
>Jump on top on a leman russ attached to the sleigh
>Wonders how the emo bitch managed to steal the vehicles
>Questions for later
>Help the Kreigers get on
>We all starts jump vehicle to vehicle to get closer to the deamon engine sleigh
>Finds a box of kraks
>Begins to activate kraks and chuck them into the sleigh seats
>Should've made the boy come with me, this shit would've been fun to do with him
>Decides to keep to kraks with me so I can give to the boy to examine
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>Wholesome guardsmen bonding with young guardsmen and Cadian 465
Keep promoting that Candlemas spirit Anon!
>Be Duke Hanz Von Gruberstrab
>Imperial Nobleman stuck on this frozen hellhole called Fututor Gelida
>Also be Tzeentchian cultist
>posing as Tau-sympathizing revolutionary
>Just launched a coup on Hive Frostbite on Candlemas Eve, already killed governor and took all of Fututor Gelida's nobility hostage with Tau-sympathizers backing me up
>Got the access codes to the Hive's entire Credit depository before I killed the governor
>Or do the plebs call them Thrones on this planet?
>Or is it Crowns?
>Have Tau-sympathizers broadcasting demands to the Arbites and the Guard to release their 'fellow confederates'
>idiots think I'm actually supporting the Tau when I'm just trying to get the Arbites to kill the secret Slaaneshi cults hiding around this godforsaken planets.
>If I get the Slaaneshi, Tau and corpse-worshipers to start killing each other that's just a bonuse
>be istvaanist inquisitor
>see planet in conflict
>this is a great opportunity to discover an ancient STC in the ruins of destroyed hives or create a new tactic in battle
>call upon your retinue and stormtroopers
>light lho stick
>prepare an overly ornate thunderhawk transport
>call the governor and tell him I'm a xeno hybris inquisitor and approve of his plans
>land in the capital
>Be Gork and Mork
>Be celebrating Lootwaagh and Waaaghmas
>get invited by Chaos Gods to Candlemas dinner
>They just want us to cook again because we're likely not to kill try and kill any of them with poison
>'cept for Isha
>She's okay, for a zoggin' knife ear
>Notice a couple of daemonettes dragging a humie into the Warp
"Slaanesh iz not a fing ya claw-finga'd gits..."
>Gork swings giant club and knocks humie's cage straight back out of the Warp
>Mork notices the cage has been sent flying back to a planet where there's conflict over Candlemas/LootWaaagh
>Would pay more attention, but wez got Candlemas dinnah to make
>Zoggin' Chaos gits can't do anyfing for demselves dez dayz
> be me sister evelyn
> stand up and begin running after the sleigh and grab onto the back of it yet again.
> they die for the emperor so often.
> dammit let them have this one fucking thing.
> dig in my heels and sink up to my thighs in the snow trying to stop the sleigh.
>Follow begins sororita, wounds be damned.
>Try shooting the sleigh down after recovering my fallen weapons.
>Be Ork Madboyz
>Listenin' to da talky-vox fing in back of Boozloota's sleigh
>Suddenly Candlemas songs are all interrupted by Blueberry-lovers demanding humies release other 'revulooshunarees'
>Apparently a bunch of Tau sympathizers have taken control of the nearest hive's governor spire and captured all the nobles inside it
>Jump off Sleigh, land on front of possessed sleigh, trying to slam it down into ground so it stops moving
"Forces of the human empire and all those wanting pleasant holiday cheer should pay acute attention to this broadcast of Candlemas-upsetting shenanigans by revolutionaries sympathetic to the xenos race you know as the Tau."
>Turn up voxcaster thing to maximum volume and hold it over me head
>Hang on
>What was I doing again?
>Pats top of sleigh and smiles at strange catperson
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>Be Cadian 465
>mfw the Sororitas try to slow down the deamon engine sleigh
>mfw the greenskin lands on top of the sleigh
>Slowly look at the Kriegs
They do know we just threw a crateful of kraks right?
>Be Felinid Guardsmen Lavi
>try to grab onto Lieutenant before she's dragged away
>Welp, Commissar's probably gonna blam me for this
>Why can't anything nice happen to me?!
>Warp portal re-opens
>cage containing Lieutenant Priscilla flies straight at me
>get cage'd right in the chest
> be sister evelyn.
> getting dragged behind sleigh.
> notice crate of kraks land nearby.
> bounced off sleigh and started rolling down the mountain....
> ohfuckmylife.litany
> adrenaline is still going strong.
> hear ork in santa hat say something about tau revolutionaries taking hostages on candlemas....
> furioussisternoises.purge
> xenos... trying to ruin candlemas?!
> still being dragged by sleigh.
> now waist deep.
> begin to feel my feet hit the rocks.
> dig my heels in and pull back.
> hear the krak grenades go off further down the mountain.
> atleatitwasntinthesleigh.brightside
>be me, Ork Nob Santa Boozloota
>da boiz found red hat for me's
>feel sumthin' in me guts
>get da funniez
>try ta laugh
>tryin ta stop the sleigh for da hummies
>hummies drop krags on sleigh
>see krags rolla down da mountain
>candlemas is saved
>see hummie dragged by sleigh
>hummie tries ta stap sleigh with 'er own strength
>tell da boiz to grab loota chain attached to sleigh
>step on da breaks
>feel me own sleigh slow down
>tell da boys to shoot at da sleigh
>sleigh gets shot at by tons of candy
>hummies holding on to da sleigh get mouth-fulls of candy
>see hummie ge'in' dragged by da sleigh loosin' balance
> be sister evelyn.
> get dragged by the sleigh.
> stubbornasanimperialfist.resolve
> then get a mouthful of candy.
> wait.wat
> hear someone calling to me to spread candlemas joy
> can't tell who it is.
> face half buried in red snow
> adrenalineisahelluvadrug.fact
> nod my head and turn to nod at them.
> can't see anything out of that eye.
> there goes my depth perception.
It is the emperor's will that I stop this sleigh, or candlemas will be ruined for the guardsman.
> refuse to let that child go without his presents.
> boy deserves something nice after how shit his life has been so far.
> letting a child cry on candlemas is heresy after all.
>Finally manage to jump on the back of the sleigh.
>Swing up to catch whoever the hell is driving it.
>It’s an ork.
>With a beard.
>Too shocked to try and kill it, shout that it must stop the sleigh for the betterment of Candlemas.
>be me
>hive fleet krampus
>have a holly jolly genestealer infestation waiting in the hive-stocking
>time to celebrate bioxmass
>see promising biomass at ice planet's frozen pole
>ho ho ho
>be me
>hive fleet krampus norn queen
>have a merry shrike blood ready to deploy from the sky
>suddendly mother of all snowstorms start raging
>shrikes can't see shit
>bioxmass is ruined
>open old neurofolder
>I'm a genius
>deploy broodolph the hive tyrant
>Be Ork Madboy
>Get mouthful of candy canes from Boozloota's boyz
>Still holding humie talky-box
>Dem blueberry-loving gitz iz still listing their demands
>Fer Gork's sake, just how many humies do they want released?!
>I know the Tau like to ramble on, but get to the zoggin' point already!
>Lick candy-cane and jump off sleigh, grinning like I found a giant box of dakka
>be broodolph the red eyed tyrant.
>be created to save bioxmass
>be sent down to the surface
>land on some sled that’s filled weapons
>Ork jumps off, red eyed hive tyrant jumps on.
>Holy SHIT.
>Still shocked, ask it to go away.
>Chainsword arm regaining feeling, ready to strike.
>Why, Emperor? Why?
>be broodolph the red eyed tyrant
>happy I'm finally useful for something
>who's wasted gene material now, Swarmlord?
>shine my christmas blood red beacon of death on my surroundings
>sisters, eldars, guardsman, orcs
>all that biomass
>all that gene information
>dance a merry hive-jig
>be broodolph the red eyed tyrant
>sees a bunch of biomass
>it asks for me to go away
>ehh fuck it it’s the holidays
>starts walking towards a hive city ignoring them
>Try to steer it away from hive city.
>Tell it that there’s a large amount of biomass to the north, one that should keep them satisfied.
>Chuckle as I direct him to the knife ear camp.
>be broodolph the original red eyed tyrant
>hears there’s a lot more biomass up north
>thanks them and warns them of the other broodolph
>be me, krampus norn queen
>watch as my precious boy broodolph goes on to spread the bioxmass spirit
>which would be our infestation of course
>did the biomass thing say knife ears?
>oh, eldar
>I like that
>go my child, have your treats
>what, the other broodolph?
>did I make another broodolph?
>biofuck it, let's make more
>Be Cadian 465
>Most of the kraks the Kriegs and I chucked bounces off the deamon sleigh
>I guess we threw too hard
>Something land near all of us
>A fucking tyrant
>The Commissar tell it that there a large biomass to the north
>Wait isn't that the eldar base location
>Welp they're just a bunch arrogant mary sues long ears so not my problem
>Thinks about how the boy would react to my decision
>Boy: I can't believe you would let them die like that sir, it's candlemas, isn't this supposed to be that day no blood shall be shed, not only that the eldar even celebrate sir, how could you
>Narrator: And what happen then, on the iceworld they say, that Cadian's care for the long ears, grew three times that day
>Goes back to reality
Aaaaaaaaand I fucking care for some reason.
Emperor damn my feeling
>Jumps off vehicle
>Begins outrunning tyrant to eldar base
Don't worry about me, I'm just heading that direction, you know just exercising my cardio
>and definitely not planning to warn everyone
>See Cadian walking alongside tyrant.
>He’s going to ruin everything!
>Calmly jog up, whisper asking him what the fuck he thinks he’s doing.
>be me, broodolph the red eyed tyrant
>see humans sprint towards my quarry
>do they want to eat my eldar?
>do humans eat eldar?
>No! They're my eldar now! Mine!
>Sprint faster
>Commissar runs aside me
>He ask me what the fuck I'm doing
>Tells him that if that as much as I want to see the eldars be ripped apart and watch them scream in terror, if they lose, what's gonna stop that thing, they're tyranids, they don't stop eating with one hive city or a base, they stop when there's nothing else to eat
>The tyrants runs faster
>Start sprinting at full speed
>Shit shit shit shit shit
>See right through his bullshit.
>Tell him that if the eldar had this same situation, they wouldn’t give us any sympathy.
>Pick up the pace.
>Realize he’s right. They’ll just get blood thirsty.
>Propose we tag team the tyrant.
>be random eldar
>be freezing my ass off here for some damn reason
>waiting for one of our emo cousins to show up and steal our shit
>sees silhouette of something but you can’t tell yet
>sees its a tyrant
>why didn’t Farseer warn us about this
>Be Duke Hanz Von Gruberstrab
>For the love of Tzeentch, these Tau supporters just keep going
>they've been listing demands I didn't even give them for the last 10 minutes!
>I'm pretty sure they're just listing random names now
>At least I convinced a bunch of Tau Fire Warriors to help take over this governor's spire
> be sister evelyn.
> lose grip on the sleigh.
> hear filthy xenos sypmathizers listing demands.
> fuck it.
> I need someone to take my frustration out on.
> begin heading towards hive city.
> bolter cocked. Eye clotted, look like I just survived a fight with a nightlord.
> hereticsgonnadie.oath
>why didn't the Farseer warn us about this
Because like Eldrad, farseers tend to be straight up dicks.
Happy Candlemass/Sanguinala anons
this is heresy
Happy Candlemas anon! May the Emperor Bless you with a pleasant next year!
>Be Cadian 465
>See some eldar
>Yells at it
Bitch warn your people, don't just stand there!
>Jumps on the back of the tyrant
>Uses shovel and bayonet to climb up
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>Be Ork Madboy
>Loot Valkyrie Gunship and fly over battlesister
"I say Sister, do you require a lift to reach your intended destination to produce out extreme violence against the enemy?"
>drop rope down toward sister so she can get in and patch herself up en route to Hive City
>be me, Ork Nob Boozloota
>da sleigh in front of me won't stop
>I will stop dat sleigh for da hummies and da boyz
>nid tyrant lands on the sleigh
>look back at da sista to tell her ta shoot it
>sista is gon
>see hummie gunship
>so is tyrant kill?
>look at da boyz in da back
>boys get out da detpacks
>let go off da breaks
>step on da gas
>get me sleigh next to the other sleigh
>da boyz cova the sleigh an' da tyrant in detpacks and candlemas joy
>raise me candy cane to da skies
> be sister evelyn
> look up to see a rope dropped down to me.
> meh fuck it, it's a valkyrie, somebody sent 'em to pick me up.
> grab the rope, get hauled in.
> look up and see an ork in a top hat and a monocle holding a roll of bandages...
> watthefuck.surpisexenos
> jump back and pull out bolt pistol.
> proceed to drop bolt pistol as adrenaline wears off.
> owwww....
> fall down onto the floor of the valkyrie.
> sothisishowIdie.vox
>Be Cadian 465
>Almost reach the top of the tyrant
>Orks comes back
>Orks covers the tyrant in orky demolition packs and candlemas joy
Since when did greenskins- ah fuck it.
>Jumps from tyrant before the detpacks detonates and fall in the ork's sleigh
>Be Ork Madboy
>The Sister just pulled a bolt pistol on me
>Suddenly sister collapses to the floor of the Valkyrie
>Realize she's bleeding
>Zog me dats a lot of blood.
>Stick head out window of Valkyrie look down at base
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>Be me, Lone Astartes.
>Nearly spent half a million thrones on this endeavour.
>Looking at the many bonfires now dotting the hive. It's a beautiful sight from this high up, my ears can barely make out the sound from the musicians, and the tiny motions of people dancing.
>Heretic writhes under my armoured knee, trying to speak through the gag I have on him.
>Left unchecked, the Emperors Tarot suggest that he would have destroyed this hive and corrupted the whole system to the ruinous powers before the next candlemas.
>I take his head in my skull and squeeze it into a pulp.
>Not on my watch.
>Target Primaris, deceased.
>My mission is finished, technically.
>I rise, and once more slip off into the city below as a Valkyrie whizzes past.
>Still much yet to be done.
>I heft the sack over an armoured pauldron, the weight of nearly a ton of gifts within no trouble for my warplate.
>I have strode battlefields the likes of which men cannot imagine to bring ruin to his foes.
>But this night, I shall walk the quiet streets to bring joy to his people.
>be me, Khorne
>who the fuck invited Gork and Mork again
>it was Tzeentch
>it had to be
>grab the fuckers
>pull them into the kitchen
>see Nurgle stirring up some soup
>he sees us and tries to go fur a hug
>uhhh no
>kick him out of the kitchen
>turn to gork and mork
>aight boys make something that won't kill us
>go out to the others
>warp fucking damnit
>Slaanesh is half naked and looks like a slut
>Be me.
>Have a head that is positively filled to the brim with fuck.
>Did the orks just save us?
>Finally snap, don’t care anymore because it’s candlemas.
>Thumbs up the orks.
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Holy fuck anon, I had a big christmas lunch, you didn't have to go for my sides like that
Meant for >>63683561 but whatever
>I take his head in my skull and squeeze it into a pulp.
>I take his head in my skull

take his head in my hand
I dunno, I imagine a particularly grizzled Astartes who doesn't give a fuck popping the guy's skull in his jaws and just clamping shut.
Metal as fuck.
maybe a librarian can concentrate and make the heretics go pop
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>Be Gork and Mork
>Khorne doesn't look happy to see us
>When is he ever happy tho?
>Sitting on that Skull throne all the time must get boring
>pulls us into the kitchen
>Nurgle's making soup
>Khorne kicks him out of the kitchen
>tells us to make something that won't kill them
>Well, we were gonna turn Nurgle into a giant sqiug again and carve him up again
"So Mork... Roast Squiggoth with cranberry sauce?"
"Roast Squiggoth with cranberry sauce... and a giant fruitcake."
"Good call."
>Be Isha
>Decide to help out in the Kitchen and bake desserts and shit
>Give Nurgle a quick peck on the cheek to cheer him up about getting "evicted" from the kitchen
>Try to stay out of Gork and Mork's (Or was it Mork and Gork?) way while they cook
>These cookies are gonna be my best batch yet
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>Be Hanz von Gruberstrab
>Tzeentch worshiping noble of Fututor Gelida
>Currently posing as Tau-backed revolutionary
>Really starting to regret funding/backing these idiots
>That wastrel I appointed as spokesman of the 'Free Fututor Gelida Front' (trademark pending) has gone completely off-script
>I swear he's literally demanding the Arbites release random hive scum at this point
>Meanwhile, the guys I hired to crack open the Hive's credit depository are taking FOREVER
>Turns out the hive's depository is locked to the governor's genecode
>It's 2,000 floors downspire
>And before that they were whining about having to drag his body all the way down to the depository
>tfw these revolutionaries don't have the stomach to actually cut the fat bastard's arm off
>And I mean FAT
>Like, 2000 kilos fat
>The Tau Fire Warriors I smuggled down to this frozen hellhole to help secure the building can't help move him because they're weaker than the average Guardsman
>At least their firepower is useful
>Aaaaaaaand now the revolutionaries responsible for guarding the hostages are wondering if we should release some as a gesture of good faith
>mfw I realize I hired the most incompetent shits imaginable to pull this shit off
>Tzeentch help me these revolutionaries have two braincells between the lot of them and one of them isn't even working
>focus on the 640 trillion credits in that depository are going to be so worth double-crossing these revolutionary and dragging the Tau and Imperium into open warfare (again) in the process

>Be Tzeentch
>Quietly munching on Candlemas candy treats while I wait for Candlemas dinner
>Isha's making cookies
>Warp knows what Gork and Mork are making this year
>Probably something squig-related
>Notice something's going on in some iceball with one of my cultists
>he's manipulating the Tau into helping him steal an entire Hive's credit depository, and dragging the Imperium into another war with the Tau empire
>Absolutely brilliant
>Sharp dresser too
>For a mortal anyway
>Should I help him?
>I'll wait and see how this Candlemas madness plays out for now
>Ooooh candy canes!
>Be Felinid Guardsman Lavi
>Finally made it out of that ice cave
>See Hive Tyrant go boom from detpacks
>Hear heretic xeno-lovers broadcasting their demands over the global voxcasts
>Stagger up to Commissar, give shaky salute, panting heavily
"So Commissar... when do we... retake the hive spire from the heretics?"
>In my hive spire?
>Likelier than I thought.
>Give orders via vox to retake the hive, personally march out to lead the charge.

>Be Felinid Guardsman Lavi
>Ears droop slightly as Commissar orders us to march to retake the hive
>Notice Valkyrie hovering in the air
>See Ork head sticking out cockpit window
>Idontthinkvalkyriewindowsaresupposedtowork thatway.guardsman
>Ears prick up as I hear what its yelling
>Gun-toting nun is grievously injured?
>Sister Evelyn is hurt?
>Run up to Commissar
"C-Commissar! The Sister is hurt!"
>Point frantically at Valkyrie overhead and rope hanging from the side
>Also a Valkyrie would make reaching that hive a lot easier to reach than just marching through the ice and snow
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>be Ork Nob Boozloota
>just crashed into a zogging hive
>but we stopped da 'hummie sleigh with fireworks
>ride thru da hive
>da bois throwin' out all the packs and candlemas joy we have on da sleigh
>see blue boyz dragging fattie hummie somewhere
>decide ta give 'em a ride
>da boyz forcefully pick 'em up
>awwwwww dey're just shy
>they point da sleigh in some weird down direction
>zog it, let's do it
>see one of da hummies is on sleigh
>when did? whateva'
>blue boyz lead us to big iron door
>blue boyz whimper
>tower over blue boy
>blue boy nods and starts cryin
>awww dey just want dat candlemas loot
>put the rest of our detpacks and da candlemas joy on da iron door
>push da detonator
>da whole hive starts shaking above us
for some reason a bunch of santa hat wearing orks helping in a heist sounds like a damn good action movie scene
>>push da detonator
>>da whole hive starts shaking above us
>Be me.
>Be floyin in a looted ‘umie plane.
>See boyz floyin towardz a ‘oive.
>Den see da gits blow it up.
>Fly inta a floyin trukk, get thrown inta da trukk full o’ loot.
>Land roight next to a ‘umie git.
>See Boozloota.
>Ask da git wot da zog iz goin on.
>Realoize it’s annuvva umie plane.
>Realoize Oi’m a git.
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> be me sister evelyn
> slipping in and out of conciousness
> owmyeverything.pain
> groaning on the floor.
> at least I'm alive.
> hear someone shrieking about how "The sister is hurt"
> is that you Marietta?
> no I didn't steal your makeup...
> ask William or Victor, maybe they took it to fuck with mom again.
> tfw I'll learn that I mumble in my sleep.
> tfw I let it slip that one of my brothers is a trap.
>Be Duke Hanz von Gruberstrab
>Fututor Gelida Noble and Tzeentch cultist
>"Tau-supporting revolutionary" and totally not trying to pull off a glorious heist
>Be holed up in governor's office keeping an eye on the idiot 'FFGF' spokesperson
>well things have gone from 'my minions are morons' to borderline 'not-as-planned' mode rather quick
>A bunch of Orks in candlemas hats on a sleigh just crashed through governor's spire and started tossing presents and candy canes to the hostages, flattening a bunch of revolutionaries in the process.
>They grabbed the governor's body and some revolutionaries and dragged 'em down to the depository's front door
>Well, at least they can't get in
>Why is the spire shaking?
>this is a good thing
>Now I can make off with all 640 trillion credits in the pandemonium of dealing with Orks this high up in the hive
>Someone get those Fire Warriors I 'recruited' to our cause to go down and kill those Orks quickly before they cause things to go wrong
>Be Cadian 465
>Wake up to explosion
>Wake up in the orky sleigh
>See a bunch of Candlemas theme orks and some tau's near a destroyed iron door
>wtf the tau's are here to?
>What next, fucking necrons?
>Realize I'm in a hive
>Realize that the hive is about to be attack
>Jumps out of the sleigh with my shovel
>Realize that I'm outnumbered like 1-10
>Should've made the boy come with me, this would've been a good lesson on how to fight while outnumbers
>Starts hitting the tau's across the face with the shovel
>Really easy to knock them out cuz tau
>The greenskins are next
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>be black templar on candlemas duty
>given 5 packs of anointed candy cane and holy bolt rounds to spread around this sector
>barren, cold and heretical sector
>but I must carry out the emperor's duty
>be walking around upper hive rooting out slaaneshi cultists and giving out festive ration packs
>see orks and blueberries riding around on looted valkyiries
>whip out bolter
>see heretics entering the vault
>a bolter in one hand and a volkite carronade in the other
>orks get out of sight
>aim both at the hive heretics and their blueberry friends
>wait a minute
>be Ork Nob Boozloota
>ork gut comes ova and asks what are we doin'
>'ummie wakes up and starts knockin' out da blue boyz
>overpower da 'ummie with sheer numbahs and candy canes
>tie up 'is legs and sit 'im down next to empty vault
>boyz suggest ta tie his arms
NO! it's candlemas ya gits
>tell da boyz ta fix up da git's floyer
>ork boyz pick apart sleigh and smash da parts onto da floya
>paint it red
>good as new
>no, bettah dan new
>load up with da 'ummie credits and everyfin we find in dere
>see black armored 'ummie approach
>good ting we painted da floya red, so we can gets away real fast
>floy 'round da 'ummie hive once and start throwin' out da 'ummie credits all ova da hive
>start headin towards our base
>see 'ummie floya and some 'ummies on the ground next ta 'ummie base
>throw out left over 'ummie credits for da 'ummies
>what's a candlemas again?
>ahh zog it back to out lootwaagh
>make sure da boyz got all of da guns and weapons from da vault
>da boys back at home will get a lot of presents this lootwaagh

ooc: thanks for the laughs, it was good thread. Happy Holidays, Boozloota out!
>be black templar
>the xenos scum started throwing credits all over the hive
>it seems they also appreciate the candlemas spirit
>indeed such a holy human thing has to be obvious to everyone around the galaxy
>even the filthiest of xenos and mutants
>the planetary governor wont be pleased with his economy going out of the window but emperor damn him who cares
>speaking of that incompetent filth, it is an astartes' holy duty to defend the imperium
>clearly this heretic isn't doing his job properly
>it seems its time for some housekeeping then
>PURGE my way through the heretics and relive pockets of loyalists, who obviously shall be rewarded with the proper candy cane for their devotion to the emperor
>once I reach the upper hive I'LL PURGE THAT INCOMPETENT FOOL
>ruining the most holy of emperor given holidays such as candlemas with such heresies
>this wont stand HERETIC

(ooc: zoggin gud 'olidayz ya git)
>Be me.
>Be hive scaling Commissar.
>Leading men through hive, clearing out heretics and xenos fuckers.
>Encounter a single Black Templar.
>Kneel to the astartes and propose we clear out the hive as a single force.
>be black templar
>find comissar and group of loyalists
>give credits and candy to his group
>cock bolter and reload volkite carronade
Yes, commissar let's go PURGE SOME HERETICS
>Be Cadian 465
>Get overpowered and tied up by the legs by orks
>The Orks steal all the credits and starts spreading them all over the hive
>Ok they probably just destroyed this hive economy, but it is Candlemas so I'll spare the talk of economy and why stealing from the rich and giving to the poor is a terrible idea.
>Grabs bayonet and cut off the ropes from my leg
>Gets up
>While trying to find my way out of the hive, I see heretic and cultist running about
>I know I said this too many time
>but should've brought the boy with me
>Start smashing their brains out with my shovel
>Keeps killing heretics till I find a Black Templar, the Commissar that was with me a few minutes ago, and a group of men with said Commissar

(ooc:Happy Holidays you beautiful greenskin bastard)
>Get overpowered and tied up by the legs by ork

>Be Duke Hanz von Gruberstrab
>Be Tzeentch cultist and noble of this frozen iceball Fututor Gelida
>trying to pull off the greatest heist this corpse-worshiping Imperium has ever seen
>Except now a Cadian, Orks, a Black Templar, and Tau are all fighting in the vault
>Thankfully the human tau loyalists (read: suckers) were able to recover 1% of the 640 trillion credits in the depository before the fighting got real ugly
>Suddenly notice something flying off from the spire
>Wait a second
>one of Tau revolutionaries are happy because the credits are going 'back to the proletariat
>Whip out hellpistol-using digi-weapon and blow off head
"That money was supposed to be MINE you communist fuckwit!"
>Realize that I'm screaming at a headless corpse in an otherwise empty room
>Tau Fire Warriors are at least bombarding that Black Templar, Commissar and Cadian troopers with Tau firepower
>Time to extract myself from this clusterfuck with the remaining credits and go
>Yell at one of the loyalists to prep my Arvus Lighter for take off
> be sister evelyn.
> hear fighting outside.
> owwwww.....
> slowly rise to my feet....
> everythinghurts.pain
> nevertheless.... I.... I....
> recall hearing about the fuckwit trying to get tau revolutionaries freed.
> jump down from the valkyrie and land amongst the carnage.
> tfw you can't purge cause you heavily injured.
> what I can do however is track down the leader though.
> now if I were a xenos loving scumbag with a heretical love for cuntheads where would I be?
> Ifigureditout.lightbulb
> the top floor, prepping my escape craft.
> welp....
> skirt around the engagement and make it to the hive spire.
> see hundreds of flights of stairs.
> ohemperorwhy.lament.
> fuck it.
> ain't got time to find an elevator.
> begin climbing, taking the stairs two at a time.
> one eye gone, blood loss, hurts to swallow, and hand has a hole in it.
> fuckmylife.vox
> but nevertheless, it's candlemas, and it's time to cross a name off the naughty list... forever.
> thank the emperor no one heard that.
> that'd be embarrassing
> still going up.
> throne why must there be so many stairs?
> and I didn't even start at the bottom floor.
>Be Young Guardsman
>During all the chaos, nobody notices me enter the Hive with a lasgun and a krak launcher.
>Sneak my way to the bank to try and help out with repelling the invaders
>Got my first kill! Backhanded a Tau that startled me.
>Cadian and Commissar would be so damn proud.
>Hear angry screaming about money, communists, and a flyer.
>This must be the head Bad Guy!
>Move to intercept
>And now we wait...
(I'm imagining it's like the stairwell scene from Ghostbusters, only sexier.)
>be Felinid Guardsman Lavi
>Following Sister Evelyn after getting a bunch of medical supplies
>Start patching her up without her permission so she's not completely half-dead
"Apologies sister. Can't have you passing out here, now can we?"
>Look up the stairwell
>grip lasgun tightly and follows behind Sister Evelyn
>moving up the stairs makes her hips move very sexy-like
Epic Candlemas Thread needs closure!

We're so close to the end, finish it out!
I guess everyone will meet in the roof and unload all of our spare ammo into the heretic, khorne and slaanesh will get a room and isha's cookies will get overcooked
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>Be Duke Hanz von Gruberstrab
>Tzeentch cultist noble currently in the process of escaping
>pulled off less from this heist than expected, but I'm okay with that
>Storm out of the governor's office, armed with another hellpistol, a bunch of digi-weapons and followed by some of the Tau sympathizers who aren't currently guarding the hostages/being used as cannon fodder to keep that space marine at bay
>Hearing panicked screams of both the Fire Warriors and the revolutionaries over the vox
>they let the other nobles escape in their panic
>kick open door to landing pad and start out toward Arvus Lighter, which is already being loaded by other minions
>Hit the detonator on the melta bombs I had placed under the floor where the nobles were kept
>Hear huge explosion
>spire shakes again
>hopefully that'll cover my tracks in all the confusion
>I guess I'll have to defect to the Tau after this
>Be Young Guardsman
>See some guy yelling at the Tau
>What's that in his han-
>From my concealed position, I fire a Krak missile at the traitor's flyer, praying to the Emperor that I don't miss
>Be Cadian 465
>See a krak missile come out of nowhere and strike a an aircraft's cockpit
>Runs towards the possible launch site to see if I can grab a krak launcher

>Be Hanz von Gruberstrab
>Be enroute to escaping this damned hive
>On a beach and making 20% here I come
>Suddenly krak missile shoots past me and my minion
>fuck don't hit the Lighter don't hit the Lighter
>It hits the warp-damned cockpit
>whirl around with my goons on landing pad and start waving my hellpistol around, trying to see who the hell shot my ride so I can blow their head off
>Be Adboss Grummorg Rishteef.
>Dem humies an' me boys are krumpin' an' havin' fun.
>Been investin' lotsa wit me SUPA-KANNON-FER-INVESTIN'™ an' I'm low on teefs.
>Me shpayshship da TEEFFERRY just got on dis new planet.
>Heard it iz da time to giv loot to othas fer no reason.
>Havin' right now a very gud plan.
>If I giv loads of me "products", hummies an' da boys will want moar.
>Den I sell dem me "products" fer moar teefs dan usual.
>I make profit.
>Wit profit I load da SUPA-KANNON-FER-INVESTIN'™ wit da teefs an' I "invest" da planet.
>'Cauz I'm da only wun investin', da planet belongs to me.


>Dat iz da best plan I eva hav!
Bump for closure
+1, ooc:
>why did the grox cross the road?
>but it was in a feral world
>so there are no roads
> be sister evelyn.
> finally the roof
> praisetheemprah.faith
> see some dude armed to the teeth in a tuxedo
> ifthatdoesntscreambadguy.obvious
> raise boltgun and fire a shot that turns one of his guards to chunky salsa.
>Run up behind sororitas.
>Charge in firing from bolt pistol.
>Order men to perforate the guards, the xeno-fucker is mine.
>Manage to run up to him, kick him off of the hive roof.

>Be Felinid Guardsman Lavi
>Oh thank god-emprah we've reached the top
>Why did it have to stop?
>Sister Evelyn's ass looks so good in power armor
>Spot noble-looking dude with hellpistols
>Wait, where did Commissar Frigus come from!?
>did he just kick that noble over the side of the roof?!
>Start blasting the laspistol like crazy at the remaining goons anyway
>be black templar
>shooting at all the heretic's fire warrior escorts
>notice a very small well armed and cowardly xeno hiding behind the other fire warriors
>this has to be their leader
>two fire warriors come at me from behind
>headshot the two fire warriors with a single volkite shot
>unsheathe my powersword and charge at the small xeno
>after all the guard can deal with a single human, but xeno killing is the best candlemas present for an honorable astartes like me
>After punting xeno fucker off of roof, turn around.
>See another cowardly xeno with the Templar charging it.
>Run up and punt it off the roof, shoot it in midair.
>I’m probably gonna get a power sword up the ass for this, but it’s worth it.
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>Be Duke Hanz von Gruberstrab
>Tzeentch cultist
>how did all these corpse-worshipers get here so fast?!
>frantically fire everything, hope that damn cogboy I hired can reroute the Lighter's controls away from the cockp-
>When did that Commissar get so close?!
>Did that fucker just kick me?!
>I'm gonna kill that corpse-worshiping scum!
>Why is he getting so small?
>Realize I'm falling
>See the splat on the ground.
“Yippie Kay Yay, heretic scum.”
>be black templar
>stop charging and almost slip in my 200kg power armor
>only my astartes physeology saved me from falling on the floor in a ridiculous and dishonorable manner for an astartes
>put on my most intimidating and loud voice
>power up the powersword
>it crackles with arcane electricity
>Be Arbites gathered at base of hive's governor spire in response to hostage situation
>See someone falling from the top of the spire
"God I hope that's not a hostage."
>Oh Emperor.
>The templar is pissed.
>Calmly explain that as a Commissar, it was my duty to execute the coward, which would have not incurred any glory as it was a coward.
>Also explain that there are more honorable enemies around the planet in the form of hive tyrants that he can claim honor from.
>Also explain the situation of the hive fleet above us.

>Some of us nearly miss:

>We got 'em, we successfully invested
>Too bad we missed >>63709357
>At least we got some civilians and houses
>Oh well, let's see the profit rack in
>Random orkoid devices land near me.
>Find nearest airborne vehicle, fly into where the detritus came from.
>See a orkoid ship.
>Board it, ready to chainsword and shoot ABSOLUTELY EVERY SINGLE ORK.
>be black templar
>still pissed as fuck
>but I am not an idiot
>the tyranids are a bigger threat
>but he still took away my candlemas present
>power down the powersword
I see, you are right
The tyranids are the bigger threat to the stability and faith of this planet
>lightly(for a spehhs muhreen) slap the comissar on the wrist and tell him to go on his way, he did a great service to the emperor and there is greater glory for me elsewhere
> be me sister evelyn.
> commissar just stole my kill
> meh whatever. Heretic’s still dead, and candlemas is saved.
> sigh and mop up the rest of the guards with well placed bolter rounds.
> walk over and sit on the edge of the landing platform.
> look out over the hive at all of the people celebrating candlemas and smile.
> laugh happily.
> the heretics and xenos will return for sure.
> but today.... we are victorious.
> candlemas is saved.
> smile fully, ignoring my wounds.
> this is how candlemas should be.
> people coming together and celebrating life.
> take out small flask of eggnog.
> been saving this all day for a special occasion.
> open it and take a sip.
> remindsmeofhome.nostalgia
> sit there. Legs dangling as i look out over the hive, taking sips of eggnog and taking in the beautiful sight.
> sight is then ruined by an ork rolling up and trying to shoot us all.
>Realize I can’t do this alone.
>Loop back, pick up some guardsmen, felnids, the space marine, and the sister of battle.
>Lead strike force to orkoid ship, THEN proceed to get ready to shoot things and slash things.

>Be Adboss Grummorg Rishteef.
>Dem humies are not happy wit dem gifts, why?
>Notice da loots are not wrapped like normal hummie gifts.


>Stoopid plan da git had to send gifts an' no wrappin'. I'll krump him next time.

>Shootin' resume, but wit wrapped gifts

>Be Felinid Guardsman Lavi
>Watch traitor nobleman plummet to his death
>Welp, that takes care of that heretic
>Notice Black Templar's about to go into a rage over Commissar killing off the last xeno-fuckers
>Consider leaving Sister Evelyn's side to intervene, but decide not to
>Don't feel like getting on the wrong side of a Space Marine
>Especially a Black Templar
>Take a seat next to Sister Evelyn, enjoying the moment
Well this was an interesting Candlemas.
>suddenly Ork driveby
>Ears turn sideways in disappointment
>Let out a resigned chuckle and slap new power pack in lasgun
So this is what life is like in the Imperial guard...

ooc: and then they all ride into the sunsent killing heretics I guess, merry candlemas /tg/
This was a fun thread. Thank you /tg/.
>Be Young Guardsman
>Fucking thrilled that I got a direct hit on the cockpit of that thief's flyer
>Watch the Commissar kick him off the hive
>Gather my gear, Krak launcher still smoking, and report to the Commissar for further orders
Private Staughtius Shotius, reporting for duty, Sir!
> be sister evelyn
> no rest for the weary i suppose....
> commissar wants us to go kill more heretics
> ifsuchistheemperorswill.litany
> rise to my feet and march over
> rub the cat eared guardsman’s cat ears
> sofluffy.cute
> turn back and nod to the commissar.
> rack back the charging handle on my boltgun
I suppose heresy doesn’t take a holiday.
> slump shoulders
> and I really wanted to wear that candlemas one piece to raise morale
> praisethethunderthighs.propaganda
> well what can ya do?
> fortheemperor.purge

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