>>63519902
First thread:

>>http://boards.4channel.org/tg/thread/63475400#bottom

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>>63519902
>Be Slaanesh
>Hear some fleshy mortal say I won't stop masturbating
>So?
>I am a the Prince of pleasure asshole
>I am a grown ass warp god
>I can do the fuck what I want
>whenever I want with anything I want
>*sniff*
>why are people always judging me?
>cry
>tears leak down my body
>Harden.warp
>mess around with my fun stick for minute or too
>turns out tears make pretty good lube
>*Fap*Fap*Fap*Fap*Dap*
>Wait! I know what this needs
>look at demonette who happens to be walking by
>give her the "look"
>grab her and start ramming her ear
>Ooooooh yeah much better
>CRACK!*Fromp*Fromp*Fromp*Fromp*Fromp*

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>>63519902
>Be me, Marine of the Dionysus Revelers
>The Company managed to suddenly translate into this system with all this shit going on.
>The Far Hunters are likely not far behind
>mfw we just wanted some new spices to make Ambrosia

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>>63519902
>>63520057
Emperor damn it....

>>>>63475400

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>>63519902

>>63519398
>>63519172
>>63518892
>>63517451
>Be Disguised Ork Blood Axe Kommando 'Commissar Bax'
>Surrounded by a bunch of halfwit humies who somehow haven't lost the planet to chaos or blueberries yet
>Probably because the Chaos gits are stab-happy muppets with zero brains in their skulls or perverts trying to stick their urty bitz in said skulls all the time
>The blueberries are just straight-up morons
>Junior Commissar Svenja's what the sistahs in the local convent call a 'shameless skank', Lord Commissar's squig-brained git, general woulda been krumped a long time ago as a weakling if he was a warboss
>ItzNotReallyKunninIfEveryoneElseIsAnIdiot.mork
>And now a bunch of furball humies just showed up as reinforcements
>One of them is already trying to get his urty bitz in her urty bitz and he hasn't even been here 10 minutes yet
>UrgeToBLAMRising.Kommissar
>Oh, and now the cogboyz are here too
>What's next? Panzees? Knowing my luck they'll be just as dumb as the humies Iz somehow leading
>Should probably check on where that shipment of 50 baneblades disappeared to now that I think about it. Hopefully the Orks don't have them up and running yet.
>Watch gundrone spin round and round trying to throw off drunken Valhallan hanging from it
>Pick up bottle of valhallan vodka and hurl it at flying dinner plate.
>Yell "CYKA BLYAT!!" for good measure

>Be curious PDF on safe warm planet
>Lookin' in recruitment office
>LOOK at female recruiter's tits on accident
>Bitch had connections to big commisar
>Head gets grabbed and thrown onto a cruiser
>Black out
>Wake up in new uniform and no lasgun
>Have new scrap chestpiece and bolt pistol
>Hear thumping
>Big ass commisar fuck that grabbed me appears
>grabs and drags my legs through snow
>tfw when No yellow snow eaten
>thrown onto snow bike
and told to help move stuff he asks me
>"Listen tah me ya git! Commisar Bax! Or BLAM!"
>Running errands for months in snow and heretic conflicts carrying stupid sized war stuff
>Trade some binoculars for some local mechanic to larger seat for bigger war stuff
>See general nearby walking around angrier than usual
>CURIOUS URGE
>ask general before anger implodes
>Says he's pissed off that he does not have binoculars and has to stay closer to trenches to see shit
>Fast walk back to bike and ask Bax for orders
>Says to deliver messages to position on map to Praetorian troops
>far as fuck but have to go because of fear and new purpose
>On way out, see general and guardsmen toss out stuff from local cabin
>feelsbad.gif
> On way to separate camp, see trenches and bigger vehicles pass by
>shitisserious.feelsinmygut
>WhydoiGetshittybikeinsteadofchimera.rage
>it becomes night when I reach position
>mfw no troops found
>follow tracks in snow
>barely can see through dark in snow with light
>suddenly tackled by praetorian guardsman
>Yells at my face to turn the bloody light off
>the bike is in the snow
>calm the fuck down and grab the message from the bike
>fuck glares and takes the message to his boss
>bring back bike to path and ride to fork on road
>choose one farther than trenches before hearing sounds
>CURIOUS URGE
>Choosing to ride towards sounds
>sounds like heavy drums
>sounds like fireworks
>sounds like cheering
>is there a concert?
>concert turns to be clusterfuck
>pass by ripped house

>>63520955
>look out beyond house and see the "concert"
>there is fire on the trenches
>scaredasfuck
>start the engine and turn to see a man with gun
>I slow down after he shoots my helmet
>At gunpoint he forces me to let him get on
>At gunpoint he tells me to drive to fire
>can'targuewithshotgun.ohwell
>IDGAF when tank is running behind us
>I drive and rider shoots spiky looking people
>fuck it's the khonates
>fuck it's my guys
>fuck it's the bitch who sent me here beating ass
>fuck it's the commisar who grabbed me
>what the fuck is the spinning thing

>Be Eversore Assassin
>Be on this planet
>Run around and slaughter heretics and chaos worshippers left and right
>Leave scenes of carnage and bloody corpses
>Don't know how I got here, but am happy to here, I'm having so much fun
>Repeat the same shit with the next sight of heretic
>No one will ever know I was here, because they're to busy playing dead

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>>63520705
>>63519172
>>63519398
>be Private Viktor
>true Valhallan comrade
>maybe little drunk too at moment
>World spinning like mad
>I cannot let go of crazy spinning blue xeno pussy drone
>Nyet, I never will let go
>God Tsar no want pussy in Valhallan soldat
>Babushka never would forgive if Viktor let go and become pussy
>No, I grip tight
>Plug I hold onto is strange
>it twitch and zap hand
>make strange noise
>comradesIthinkxenblyatrobotislookingtomakexenorobobabies.blyat
>We are going down
>Fast, like ardbass
>see commissar Svejna on floor under kot guardsmen
>Cyka blyat
>Lady cannot wait til night to make babies with mutant
>God Tsar protect comrades
>what this?
>Commissar Bax throw me Bottle of glorious vodka from mother planet
>DA
>Manage to catch
>but now I flail like glorious imperial flag in wind
>...or comrade Svenja in room full of horny Gaurdsmen
>Hear true commissar yell scared words "Cyka Blyat"
>Viktor know what must do
>Pull bottle open with teeth
>let sweet taste of motherplanet shoot into mouth
>Cry thinking about Glorious motherplanet national anthem
>Da...It time God Tsar
>I do for imperium, I do for you, I do for pure ARDBASS!
>CHEEKIBREEKI KAFTAMKA!
>Stab vodka bottle into Xeno pussy drone dataport
>STAB STAB STAB!
>Shit, it jam in now
>It ok, I use two hands to hold on again
>Cuddle Xeno Blyat drone like baby, put all weight towards falling
>See Lone Heretic Cyka trying to run
>Xaxaxaxa
>We do this comrades
>Slamdunkxenoblyattechintohereticcyka.ARDBASS!

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>>63520705
>tank chasing us is slow
>speed the fuck up close to our guys
>spinny thing is shot by my rider
and something falls off
>big ass commissar tells my rider to get the fuck off
>rider gets the fuck off because commissar is bigger than shotgun
>Commissar manages to ride on my bike
>He looks at something in the distance
>I see the Praetorian guys I gave a message to coming over a hill
>the commissar tells me to ride over there
>past some yelling guardsmen and screaming rebels
>IDGAF
>FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK
>EVERYONE BEHIND ME IS FOLLOWING THE COMMISSAR

>>63519902
>be humble priest(ess) of the Glorious God Emperor of Mankind
>Leave Canoness office
>Guard was glaring at me
>..was i suppose to keep this a secret?
>mustdisguiseselfbeforebarracks.panic
>had to shave using candle before getting to >cheeks now slighly pink
>be sure to aquire las-shaver when getting equipment.
>thankfully barracks empty upon my arrive >quickly change in initiate robes.
>still not sure if suppose to keep..'staff of office' secret from other sisters.buthowthough
>help self to to fresh recap/hot-chocolate mix
>sister barracks much better equipped then seminary at lower hive Schola Progenium
>take sip of calming hot-chocolate.
>hear ruckus of approaching unit of sister
>Emperor bless you humble servants pitiful disguise.panicreturns
>take gulp of calming HOT! owowowocolate.
>barracks doors burst open.

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>>63519902
>be General Darrius Kragg
>retreated to my bunker as soon as I heard those crazy Valhallan guardsmen showed up
>screaming about their "hardbass" or whatever that garbage is called
>More of a classic imperial country man myself
>anyway, Finally made contact with High command
>As usual some top brass officer that has a grey knight's glaive shoved up his arse answers the Hologram vox
>"What do you want this time ....general?"
>Tell him what we've been needing this whole time
>MOTHERFUCKING REINFORCEMENTS! EMPEROR DAMN IT!
>why is it so hard to understand?
>all I need...is a couple more divisions to throw at the heretics until they buckle under the meat grinder of idiots
>Planets is back under the imperium
>they ship this regiment of retards to some Slaanesh demon planet so they can go all fuck themselves
>then get my promotion and transfer my arse to the inquisition so I don't have to babysit morons ever again
>just purge them
>and I know who is first on my list when that happens
>Take deep breaths, didn't expect to explode like that
>High command arsehole doesn't seem pleased
>"I see general. Well I am afraid your request for reinforcements has already been fulfilled commander...twice."
>Wait...WHAT?! fuck off! when?!
>"two years ago, a generous shipment of newly manufactured baneblades had been shipped to your back end planet general. And now additional regiments of Felinid guardsmen have been dispatched to your front they should be arriving soon...."
> "and that is not including the two chapters of Lord Astartes who are converging onto the that warp cursed planet....Timbuktu? as it called"
>I am speechless....when the fuck did this happen?
>why are we important all of a sudden
>The high command officer glares at me
>"next time you wish to pester high command, ensure that you incompetent management is not the problem before contacting us..."
>...
>"You will be put down for a review once those filthy traitors are dealt with"
>Transmission terminated
>sSHIT

>>63521127
>be gun drone
>fucking drunkin gorilla won't let go.stillfeelsgood
>somehow has aquired more alcohol.feelingdizzy
>ISJAMMINGITDATAPORT.WHYDATAPLUG
>adminSCL requesting copy of data
>starting to suspect admin is pervgram.
>systems critical prepare for upload.
>tactical and strategic logic engines suggest drone force should retreat.
>NOTBEFOREMYVENGENCE.mypoordataport
>set guns to overload
>tell remaining shield drone to cover me.
>crash into container of butthurtingbottles.flammible?
>FUCKTHEGREATERGOOD!
>upload complete.

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>>63521372

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>>63519398
>>63518892
>>63520705
>>63521127
>Be commissar Svenja ullric
>The new Mechanicus guardsmen sure don;t talk much
>Shame too, they look extremely sturdy
>Probably could teach me a lesson my rear end would never forget
>especial with all those pistons in there hips
>Oh emperor, please tell me they have piston engines in the hips
>Why are my knees weak all of a sudden?
>hrmmm
>Oh shit, these Metal guardsmen have been staring at me the whole time
>I can feel my face turn red
>Don't want to give off the right impression you know?
>Besides, if Commissar asswipe or that hunk Bax catch me flirting again, they would probably be on my ass about it
>not that I'd mind if it was Bax
>Oh there I got again
>I thought it was meant to be cold out here
>Why am I sweating?
>Snap out of my little "scene" when Bax yells some Valhallan low gothic
>Look up to see blue Xeno robot spinning out of control
>its shooting plasma charges all over the place
>wait, why the hell is that dancing Valhallan swinging around on that thing
>The insane gaurdsmen catches a bottle Bax threw him
>Pretty goo catch I have to admit
>OOOF!
>find my face splashing into the mud
>Feel this warm body on top of me
>notsureifshouldfeelexictedorworried.mixtedemotins
>Pull myself up drawing my las pistol
>see that it's just a guardsmen who saved me from a plasma facial
>Naaaaw, how sweet-
>Wait, WOW! Never seen a Felinid up close before
>Glad I am though
>He is quite a qt
>Do you think he would be good at licking things?
>you know...to clean his fur....and stuff
>needtocatchmybreath.vox
>"Hows it going there pussycat? Enjoying the view?"
>Pull open my muddy blouse, see if he is interested
>Realize that Valhallan is still wrestling that xeno drone
>Hold on I'm coming you crazy
>Watch the Xeno gundrone crazh into a Heretic supply crate filled with bootlegs alcohol, taking the Valhallan with it
>It erupts into a massive ball of fire
>even burns a near by heretic to a crisp
>well, this day has been interesting

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>>63521127
>>63521517
>>63521674
Comrade Viktor, NO!

>>63521506
>Be Eversore Assassin
>Just finished murdering a bunch of cultist
>By the Emperor that was fun
>But now the fun is over and it's boring again
>Sees a general retreat to some bunker
>Runs to said bunker
>Knocks on door *bang* *bang* *bang*

>>63521128
>>63521127
>>63521674
>realize everyone is khornates or cultist
>commissar is yelling at me for something
>explosions and gunfire so loud I can't hear well
>while riding see severed hand flying past me
>look back realizing it's from the explosion earlier
>that hand looks like my hand
>I realize I still have my hand
>I realize how I caused a mishap with the General with this hand
>I realize how I messed up patrols weeks ago with this hand
>I realize how I stole some blankets from mates with this hand
>I realize how I spilled re-caff on maps with this hand
>realize what shit I am
>run over a trench head rebel
>I continue to ride
>selfish duty to right wrongs realized
>grimface activated
>proceed to nearby trench and ram or roadkill rebels
>get stuck in trench on roadkill
>rider grabs my neck
>commissar yells and tells me to go back
>I tear roadkill with bike and get out of trench
>I go back running over more rebels
>see new metal and furry faces
>tits McGee I mean armed female recruiter slaps me
>don't flinch because I deserve it
>commissar slaps me to the ground because he only wanted me to confirm if it was the Guards I gave a message to, not take him for a ride
>I lay in the snow because I'm more useful this way instead of mishearing things
>back feels weird
>obligatory snow angel because I feel guilty

Bump

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>Mfw the only competent member of the guard is an Ork Kommando in disguise as a regular commissar
>mfw the human junior commissar's a thirsty slut more interested playing 'I outrank you now ride me like a bike' and getting liquid blams in her hoo-hah instead of blamming guardsmen
>mfw the bumbling general in charge of this hodge-podge regiment managed to lose 50 Baneblades without even knowing it
How in the God-Emperor's name has the Imperium kept this planet from falling into enemy hands for four years? ITS DEFENDED BY ABSOLUTE MORONS!

>>63516256
>be private Lachlan warrick
>spent four fucking hours wonderin about this pale white shithole trying to find greenskins
>fucking freezing me knackers off cuz the praetorian khakis were made for boiling hit by humid shit holes or dry grassland
>surprised that no sniper has offt me yet
>I am a cunt in a red tunic and pith helmet walking out in the snow
>then I remember that blueberries are a bunch of lazy cunts who rather be poofters in their bunkers than do shit
>eventually walk up this hill and find that the cheeky green cunts got themselves some big ass tanks
>though the green skins are wearing fur nappies, so it should be alright
>report back to tight arsed sir wanker
>give him the run down
>looks like he is about to shit out a shard of glass for some reason
>orders all us blokes huddle in
>wanker has a nice long yap and makes us sit through all of it
>get moving again
>lead them to greenskin tank village
>sir stifflip orders us to get in ranks
>sameshitdifferentworld.vox
>warm up my las gun and kneel in the front row
>get a sight on this doope looking green cunt with missing eye
>lets seen if I can make them match for ya, ya greencunt
>ground starts shaking
>there's fucking banging music approaching fast
>Fucking Hell!
>those green cunts managed to get one working
>some of them are dancing on the tank as it moves
>even got scrappy tracks suits on, I shit you not
>what the shit!
>my ears are fucking deaf now
>floating through the air like shack of shit
>rest of me bits and pieces are also flying through the air, along with some cunts arm, cheekbone and torso
>fuck me dead
>that tank literally blasted us arise over head
>not looking forward to the landing
CRUNCH

>>63522308
>>63521506
>>63521506
>>63522308
>be me, Igor Pidarskij, general of a glorious Valhallan regiment stationed on the other side of this mess of a world
>got contacted a while back by higher ups that some General Darius Chrackor something can't deal with some cultist cykas
>kiss goodbye to babushka
>on our way, we got into pre-battle rituals with vodka and borsch
>we are in range
>squat over comms and yell
>"WE ARE COMMIMGH MY FCHRIENDS"
>turn up the hardbass so they can hear it over the comms
>then ask where should we meet up for glorious meeting with vodka

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>>63523539
>...."the human junior commissar's a thirsty slut more interested playing 'I outrank you now ride me like a bike' and getting liquid blams in her hoo-hah..."
>be Slaanesh
>and what is the problem with that corpse worshiper?
>I love playing that game
>*tosses dead demonette with new skull cavity aside*
>how can your truly know your work colleges of you have never been inside them?
>or how can they understand you if they've never been inside you?
>Its Dark prince policy to be always down to fuck
>Its a team building...errrm..."experience"
>pinches nipples
>is it Just me? Or does anyone else craving to be fisted by a crazy corpse worshiping bitch?

>>63521674
>Be Felinid Lieutenant Liono
>The lady Commissar is asking if I'm enjoying the view
>Look down, see her bust
>cat ears perk up
>ByTheEmperorItsGlorious.guardsmen
>wait no this must be a trick
>Commissar's blam at the drop of a hat
>If I say yes she'll might blam me for being a pervy catboy-er, catman and not dying for the Emperor like a proper guardsman
>If I say no she'll probably blam me for refusing her
>WelpImFuckedArentI?.vox
>So this is the life of a regular guardsman
>"Yes ma'am! I like it very much ma'am!"
>mama always said honesty was the best policy
>See crazy drunk Valhallan crash into crate of alcohol from falling drone
>That loud pumping bass music is still pumping out of the trenches and the scary-looking commissar doesn't seem to be interested in stopping it
>What in the Emperor's glorious ears kind of madhouse of a world did the Administratum send us to?

>>63523703
Slav Orks are superior to posh not!British praetorian guard confirmed!

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>>63523888
>notice commibitch is getting all cozy with the furfag guardsman
>decide to take biometric scans of everyone present
>the Slavs are displaying a blood alcohol level of 7.3% alongside massive adrenal gland activity
>Bax seems to have undergone (mildly heretical) bio enhancements
>the Robo-bitches are displaying 0% brain activity (as per the usual) although several are showing signs of pelvic deformation
>mfw commislut has several marital aids lodged throughout her intestinal tract all of them larger than 4 inches

>>63524271
>several marital aids lodged throughout her intestinal tract all of them larger than 4 inches
......How hasn't this Commissar fallen to Slaanesh and/or corrupted the entire regiment into some sort of sex orgy cult yet?

can't believe this thing is still going

>>63523772
>>63522308
>>63521506
>be Vox Operator
>hear some Valhalla roar on the Vox
>ears ring more
>explosions don't help
>must find my COs
>running deaf is weird
>Valhalla roar now is Valhalla slur
>bar meet up?
>who the fuck is this???
>trip after caller turns out to be General
>General that is going to turn me into red Cyka if I don't give him a bar meet up time
>must find COs
>find our General's bunker
>scary thing is banging on the door
>I completely understand the situation and decide to walk away
>find fuckfest of battle
>find skitari and feline troops here
>3 of them have larger chests
>3 of them could be girls
>1 of them could be buff guy
>see commissars slap a guy down to the snow
>It feels weird seeing a commissar exposing her skin
>walk past man in the snow
>confusedGuardsman.facenotsure
>Blood-soiled Guardsman is making a bloody snow angel with a too serious face
>warneverchanges.seriouslyman
>big Commissar Bax spots me
>holy throne he's scary
>Absolute Unit saying something and I can't hear much
>I stand still
>Annoyed Absolute Unit gestures me to come over
>I come over
>Absolute Unit turns me around and grabs my Vox
>currently between 2 commissars, some exotic troops, dying men, crazy men in battle
>interesting story for bar story time

>>63524567
the steadfast Krump'n hand of of Commissar Bax

>>63526272
>Be Eversor Assassin
>Fucker still won't open the door
>See Vox Operator
>Follows
>Sees a bunch of people
>Jumps into the middle of the group
Wrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyy!!!
>Translation: Hey fucker, where's all the cultist, I need heretic to slaughter, it's getting fucking boring out here!

>>63522308
>>63524916
>>63522146
Shit

Somehow I screwed with events and now brought an assassin and another company to the crazy group. Bike guy was supposed to see commissar lady playing inspector with Felind, but now I made her get out of her over arousal and slap bike dude.
To make things move along, if that's what is preventing Ork man from writing, I'll just say that bike guy comes after the arousal and does his whole murder spree, and everything else that follows. If not, then Ork man decides what's really happening.
[\spoiler]

What are ski training and felinds gonna do now? Take a new scratch and blast offense with the eversor assassin taking point? While commissars rally troops and others still alive to take back the Baneblades?

[\spoiler]

Turns out Back is actually a necron infiltrator

>>63527357

Baxposter here. Its fine anon, I was just sleepin' after getting home work is all.

>>63523888
>>63521674
>>63522308
>>63524271
>>63527060
>>63528055

>Be Disguised Ork Kommando 'Commissar Bax'
>I swear to Gork I am surrounded by a bunch of grot-brained humies
>humie on bike drives up and gives me message from Praetorian Guard
>Apparently they're hunting down the stolen Baneblades and have confirmed the Orks stole the Baneblades
>Welp, they're zogged.
>Look around and realize all the heretic khornates are dead.
>Huh.
>One cult of heretics down, one cult of heretics and one cult of xeno-loving traitors to go then
>Oh, and we have to go get the Baneblades back
>SeriouslyConsideringDefectingBackToTheGreenskinsAtThisPoint.glyph
>Turn to Svenja, the Felinids, the Valhallans, the other IG troopers and the cogboyz
>Raise chainsword in 'inspiring pose' over me head since humies love that shit
>"Aroight you bunch of fookin' muppets! We took out one bunch of heretics, but the Emprah wants us to keep going! We've got to recover a bunch of Baneblades, drive dem bloody Tau off the planet, and crush that daemon sex cult!"
>"We're gonna crush them all in the name of the Emprah!!"
>Realize an Eversor's right in the middle of the group
>Wotdazog.kommando
>Fall silent for a moment
>Point at Eversor
>"You... go krush those Slaaneshi fuckers! For the Emprah!"

>>63528055

Great then, do what you want anon!

>>63528392
If someone doesn't respond with wryyy in the next hour I'm breaking out the great indecent one

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>>63528392
>The Commissar "who is most definitely not an ork" points me into the direction of Slaaneshi cultist and deamonettes
>Fucking finally may the fun begin
>Jumps out of trench and runs towords heretics and deamonettes
WRRRRRRRYYYYYYYY!!!
>Translation: TIME TO DIE FUCKERS HAHAHAHA!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=598e-Cwy2xw
>Starts slaughtering them left, right, front, and center
>These thing are really easy cut open and tear apart
>They don't even stand a chance
>Love watching these cultists and deamonettes look at me with horror as they all become a bloody mess

>>63528906
Welp I'm off to work now, see y'all later

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>>63528906
>Eversor slaughtering heretics to the rock metal version of the Cancan

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>>63522146
>>63527060
>>63527060
>Be General Darrius Kragg
>Currently shitting myself
>Been pacing around the bunker for half a hour now
>I am going to be put under review if we win this campaign
>Ihaveservedintheimperiumlongenoughtoknowwhatthatmeans.blam
>Maybe if sabotage the campaign?
>make it go on for twenty years
>Hope the Current High command dies out and forgets about me
>yeah....this regiments is retarded enough to drag this out for ten more years
>Vox caster crackles
>Here some incomprehensible low gothic and Valhallan heavy bass music
>what I am guessing is a Valhallan moron, yells into the vox
>calls me a Cyka blyat
>Silence
>decent person picks up the vox and greets me as general
>recognize that voice
>....How did that slut commissar survive this long?
>wait...no I don;t want to know
>She informs me that we've taken out the Khronite heretics
>Myfacewhenshtellsmeweonlyhaveblueberriesanddemonslutstodealwith.vox
>what?....NO! NO! Pull back! PULL BACK
>vox caster crackles silent
>*paniced breathing*
>Fuck,fuck,fuck,fuck, I am so fucked!
>Welp time to get to it I suppose
>Heard a near by leisure planet is good around this time of the solar cycle
>Start packing my suitcase
>Just shoving anything I can into it so I can bail as soon as possible
>Hear a knock on the door
>...who the fuck is that? what do they want?!
>just hear this ass clentching "WRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYY"
>.....yep....fuck that....
>Open the window leading out the back in the bathroom, toss my suit case out side and jump out after it
>Fuck this planet, fuck this regiment...Lord commissar Lerch can take over....fuck him

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>>63524049
Was there any doubt cormade? Cheeki breeki always stronger than pussy tea sipper

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>>63529132
>be magos
>be sat outside bathroom trying to get a scan of the commander
>peak my head through a window
>immediately get thrown on my ass by a travel case to the face
>feel something or someone land on the holy robodong
>feel something snap
>ANETHETICSREQUIRED.REEEEEEEE
>screech with enough volume to get a carnifex to fuck off

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>>63523888
>>63524271
>>63528392
>Be junior Commissar Svenja
>Looks like commissar Bax really pulled us through this one.
>Who knew that all it took was a hunk of a man and dangerously drunk Valhallans was all it took to kill the heretics
>Look back at the at Felinid trooper
>He is still staring at my chest
>aaaaaw, he is so adorable!
>His ears are perking up and everything
>"Yes ma'am! I like it very much ma'am!"
>...I'll admit, first time someone has been honest with me
>No sure why, but I lost my breath for a second
>deep breaths, deep breaths
>So like, are you doing anything after? If not..I can give you something to do.
>please tell me you aren't neutered
>WOAH get a grip woman, were still in a tench brawl
>ask him later
>slap my self out of the wonderful daze and pull my self up, also help the qt mutant to his feet
>Those metal guardsmen are still just standing there for some reason.
>whats wrong them? they brain dead or something?
>Doesn't matter though, the brawl seems to be over now
>Wait, what is that one doing?
>Is he scanning me?!
>Tense up nervously
>Hope he doesn't see those Imperial pocket massagers I shoved up my ass
>What? they help me keep warm.
>Really warm
>Said in the handbook that it is important to keep moving when on freezing ice worlds
>Hold up
>were is the remote?
>Ohshititsnotinanyofmypockets.emperorpreserveme
>Shit, I have got to find it before
>Commissar Bax bellows out in his rugged voice
>see his muscles flex as he raises his Chainsword like he is the manifestation of the emperor himself
>oh emperor, I...I need a moment
>hope no one can see me blushing
>Bax begins to deliver an inspiration speech
>find it hard to breath with every syllable
>Why won't you have me commissar Bax! LOVE ME you son of a bitch!
>HEY! HEY! HEY! what the fuck?!
>Maasaagers seemed to get more excited
>There bouncing around in there now
>Legs are wiggling like crazy
>Look around
>spot that this Valhallan drunkard has found the remote
>turns it up to max
>..help

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>>63523703
>>63529132
>>63529132

>Be Ork Bad Moon Big Mek "Morslav Gitkrumpa"
>Me and my new Baneblade tank krumped those fancy pants-wearing humie wankers good an' proppa!
>Sun boy driver iz taking us closer to da humie trench line
>Music is still blasting out of Baneblade's external voxcasters https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fro6je9L5kg
>Stick head outta tank hatch again
>The Deffskulls on top of Baneblade are wearing tracksuits now
>they're blue tracksuits, because Deffskulls
>wheredazogdidtheyevenfindthose?.glyph
>They're dancing on top of the tank
>They've got humie booze called vodka
>wot.dazog
>No longer firing tank gunz after Baneblade drives over what's left of the hill those fancy-looking poofters were standing on
>Cheeki Breeki'd Baneblade Orks 1
>Tea sipping Humie wankers 0
>Spot bunker in the distance
>Hear someone screaming in pain through hardbass
>Grab gitfinda googles and take a look
>Itz one of dem cogboyz and a humie boss outside back of a humie bunker
>Run down to Baneblade driver compartment and kick speed-crazed sunboy in back of head
>"OI SUNBOY! THERE'S HUMIES AHEAD TRYIN' TA RUN AWAY! LET'S CHASE DA CHEEKY POOFTERS!"
>Evil Sunz boy whacks me in the urty bitz for kicking him in the head
>Double over in surprise
>Sunz boy shifts the Baneblade into next gear
>Blizzard of snow is sprayed everywhere as it starts rumbling toward General Darius Kragg and Magos at speeds that shouldn't be possible, blaring more hardbass with squatting and increasingly drunk 'slav' Deffskulls riding on top, screaming:
>"KRUMP PUSSY HUMIE BOSS! WAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!"

>>63529262
Fuck, now I want to see someone do art of Orks and guardsmen as slavs.

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>>63529668
>>63524567
>Be Slaanesh
>Over hear some metal fleshy mrtal mention my name
>"huh? what now?"
>Pull fist out my asshole and take a look into the matrium
>who needs to be corrupted by me now?
>See one of the biggest corpse worshiping dick jockey I have ever seen
>Warp damn it woman, Not even demonettes are this thirsty...and they feed of that fucking shit
>Even I have standards you thirsty skank in uniform
>get help...
>........
>pfffft nah, She is total down will me metal fuckboy
>thanks for pointer her out to me
>*licks lips*
>Now lets see what I can do here
>letthesexualschemeingcommence.princefpleasure
>realize she has vibrators shoved up her hoo-ha and anus
>Damn, I already like you bitch
>be a shame if....some one found that remote
>Harden.warp
>....I'm just gonna...*fap*fap*fap*fap*fap*FAPFAPFAFAFAP*FAP*FAP

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>>63529716
Does anyone want to save the general and magos in a chase scene with a snowbike?
bike man is taking a rest in the snow, so...
no wait the general could save himself by stealing the bike
whatever. free real estate for bike over here.
Imperial warranty does not cover winter damage to engine.

>>63523772
Now these guys should come at full speed somehow or some time. Vehicle charge with Russian anthem playing. Of course running into friend and foe. That or I'm not really being a proper guardsmen supporting our Imperial forces.

Now what about those catachans...are they frozen meat cubes trying to hump heaters in local houses? Or frantically starting fires?
That poor captain's daughter. She needs to get WARM. STAT.

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>>63524567
>>63528392
>>63529668
I think this needs to be standard issue for the guardsmen on this planet

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>>63521372
>Be new battlesister initiate
>Enter barracks
>See blatant priest sitting in barracks
>Wait what
>But the Sisters of Battle have a 'no men at arms' rule
>Still
>After being stuck in a convent with a bunch of no-nonsense hardass women...
>StressReliefIsBestRelief.pervySoB
>But first
>PILLOW FIGHT!!!

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>>63521372
>>63530523

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>>63521674
>>63528392
>Be private Viktor
>No feeling comrades
>I weightless, there no light
>Where I go?
>Maybe there nothing after death after all
>Blyat
>No glory of god tsar? no endless ardbass in warp
>BBBBBBLLLYAAT!
>Wait comrades
>I hear something....da! noise in the blackness
>it quiet
>Turn volume up pussy! viktor must know
>ARDBASS shake the darkness
>Da! this is much better
>Now there is light
>Comrades....it is the light, the glorious Light of god Tsar
>nyet
>Babushka? what do in afterlife?
>You back at motherplanet wit grandpa
>"Viktor...Viktor my milinke volk."
>Da babushka? I here
>"You hear ardbass my milinke volk?"
>DA! I do babushka
>"It call to you my milinke volk...Gad tsar is waiting for you"
>DA!DA! take me to GLORIOUS ARDBASS GOD TSAR!
>"but it is not time my milinke volk...."
>what?
>"...there still heretic cyka blyat and xeno pussies to kill my milinke Volk"
>Aaaahhhh I now understand
>"Go my milinke volk, show pussy guadsmen what true ardbass valhallan comrade be....FOR THE GOD TSAR VIKTOR! FOR THE GOD TSAR!"
>FOR GOD TSAR HOOORRAAAAH
>Wake up
>Coat on fire, ushanka on fire....everything on fire
>Cyka blyat!
>Roll away into snow, rip off coat
>Pants and boots still ok
>Slap out fire of ushanka, I not pussy, babushka give ushanka
>Put on head
>Cold greet skin
>Aaaaaaah just like glorious mother planet
>See comrades gather round commissar Bax
>He give new orders
>I join my comrades
>they give me new bottle
>the glorious crusade for god tsar's ardbass continue comrades
>Bite of lid and drink
>Feel ardbass in veins, must dance
>Try stop me cyka blyat heretics
>CHEEEEEKI BREEEKI!
>all comrades join in
>We on hunt for pink traitor pussies
>Show them what true guardsmen be

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>>63523888
>>63529668
>Be Felinid Guardsmen Private Schrodinger
>Be barely old enough to serve in guard
>Be shipped out to cold-as-hell planet
>wtfthiswassupposedtobeanagriworld.nya
>See Lieutenant of Regiment getting frisky with local human commissar
>Me-ow she's hot!
>Hear scary voice yelling that we're going to keep going and 'krush dem all in the name of the Emprah'
>that does not look like a normal humie
>Are we the only abhumans in the Imperium who can't be our own commissars?
>Itsnotfair.voxcast
>Notice Commissar Lady's legs shaking
>Her breathing is heavy
>Eartwitch.catboy
>Do baseline humans go into heat or is that just normal pornoslate nonsense?
>Innocenceofyouth.nya
>See Valhallans getting drunk again, dancing, and still blasting that loud music
>This world is weird.

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>>63523539
This whole planet needs to go

>>63532357
>Trying to declare Exterminatus on a planet where an incompetent IG regiment is actually starting to win
Go home Inquisitor, you're drunk. Again.

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>>63529419
>>63529716
>be General Darrius Kragg
>tried bailing out the window of my bunker
>ended up landing on some mechanics retard who just laying there for some reason
>fell top of him pretty hard
>felt this metal prod stick into my thigh
>the fuck was that?
>whatever it was I broke it
>almost end up deaf after the mechanicus idiotif blew my ear drums with a screech that would make tyranids cry
>Now rolling on the floor holding bleeding ears
>feel ground shake
>ears are ringing but I can hear a faint bass tempo
>look at where it is coming from
>you can't be fucking serious
>See tracksuited greenskins dancing a top a motherfucking baneblade as it is rolling over towards us
>See this motorbike gaurdsmen also barreling towards me
>what did I do to deserve this my emperor?
>is this because of that one time I that your son rabuttman ceaser should take over since you were grok jerky in a chair
>please forgive me emprah!

>>63532749
>Incompetent leader
>trying to desert because you don't want to face official Administratum Review (Not that I blame you since an 'official review' probably makes even the most extensive IRS audit look tame and friendly by comparison)
>Insulted the Glorious Man-Emperor of Mankind AND said Rowboat Gorillaman should take over
At this point I'm 97% certain the only reason you didn't get BLAM'd by a commissar is because the Lord Commissar's a suicidal moron, the Ork in disguise doesn't want to draw any unnecessary attention to himself and be exposed as a greenskin, and a junior commissar who's the thirstiest thot this side of the Great Rift.

Basically, you deserve everything bad that happens to you.

Commissar svenja is going to be devastated when she finds out Orks don't have willies

>>63531866
>>63531052
>>63529668
>>63528392

>Be Felinid Lieutenant Liono
>Ow the scary commissar's loud
>Also, he has a weird accent.
>He's telling everyone we have to go recover Baneblades, kill Tau, and crush another Chaos cult
>He sent this skullfaced guy off to kill the chaos freaks
>Where the hell did guy even come from?
>Turn and order The McConnell 1st to advance toward the Tau battle line
>Wecatpeoplecanbeverysneaky.kittyisapredator
>Fuck going after those Baneblades, I'll let the normal humans deal with that shit.
>I'm not cowardly I just have survival instincts
>Turn to Commissar Svenja
>Why are her legs wobbling?
>she looks like she's vibrating.
>Is she... is she blushing?!
>DID I CAUSE THIS?!
>OhfuckIamsogettingblammedforthis.meow
>grab Svenja's shoulder
>"Ma'am, would you like to accompany my regiment on our assault on the Tau front lines?"
>totally not trying to get in her pants
>Nope, just making sure she's alright.
>GodEmprahICantThinkPureThoughtsAfterSeeingThatBust.pervyguyproblems

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>>63533393
Slaanesh can always give HER one though....just saying

>>63533693
>implying Svenja won't be satisfied by Felinid willy
Felinid D is superior to Ork 'urty bitz' (aka what passes for greenskin's junk)

>>63530523
>be player

sorry but i will be very slow in/if responding for few day(s) possibly. personal issues.

sucks i was enjoying this.

>>63528392
>>63529668
>>63532749
>>63533614
>be IG bike user
>getting ready for assault
>look at female recruiter shivering
>everyone is looking at female recruiter shivering
>she falls and she leans on catman's shoulders
>goodguy.goodboy.goodcat
>she shrieks a moan and looks at something with ribbed pleasure
>Everyone and me see the lucky vahallan trooper with a familiar remote we see around the barracks
>Now there's a line protecting the remote and another trying to get it back
>"ZOGGING DAMN IT!"
>Commissar Bax bull rushes troops to the remote
>force sends the remote far to the General's bunker area
>everyone gives chase, but commissar bax shoots 1 guy in the butt and they all stop
>glad I'm not involved
>Commissar points at me and tells me to get the remote
>IGNOREGLARES.IGNOREGLARES.IGNOREGLARES
>Rev the bike and dash to the bunker
>spot remote
>dismounting before spotting general and Magos
>General had a big fall and the Magos made a terrible call
>Imperialouch.sogladthat'snotme
>hear rumble
>rev engine because maybe commissar couldn't hold back our pervs
>relive childhood relay race with spare grenade by grabbing remote with ease
>put away remote without turning it off
>rumbling gets louder
>IT'S NOT IG
>IT'S A BANEBLADE WITH ORKS ON IT
>Heart starts pumping with the beat
>pass the general and magos mid stupor
>fuck
>so confused I ride in circles
>I WANNA MAKE UP PAST MISTAKES
>turn around and brake at the stupefied 2
>GETTHEFUCKUP.GENTLEWAKEUP
>General tries to shove me off, but I return with an ELBOW to the chin
>zzzzGeneral
>As general lays on bike, I get the fuck away
>feel metal clamp on bike seat
>turn to see the Magos clinging on like a metal spider
>ORK BANEBLADE crashes into the bunker and is stuck there
>It might get out
>IT MIGHT GET OUT
>BACK TO COMMISSAR
>Made it back
>everyone is guilty when they expect me to give the remote
>female recruiter looks hopeful
>I stop and dismount
>Stop Commissar from speaking by speaking nonsense after evading

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>>63521372
>>63530523
>Be Ratling Sniper
>saved an injured tall legs and Commissar from demonettes
>They think is some divine intervention from the god emperor
>Don't even remember I exist, I get no signal of thanks
>Angrily flick spent up cigar out of my watch tower window
>Feelsbadman.vox
>Grab a new cigar and light it up
>Start scanning the battlefield again
>Pick off a couple of heretic stragglers who tried fleeting onslaught of valhallan tall legs
>Takes them abut an hour to take the trench
>See greenskinned commissar giving victory speech
>Guess things have wrapped up then
>Take a long draw of cigar, blow out smoke rings for shits and giggles
>Stomach rumbles
>Remembered I haven had a decent brew in a couple of days
>time to go scavenge cultist corpse chunks to make a meaty stew
>I climb down from my tower and spot this one Drooki fen tall legs sneaking towards the Adepta Sororita monastery
>Remember that those fanatical Tall legs always make delicious scones and crumpets every sanguinala
>their hot chocolate is pretty good too
>GuessIameatingouttonight.vox
>Stalk Drooki fen guards men to the monastery
>Watch him climb through an pen window
>Pfft amateur
>scale the monastery walls and climb through and air vent
>Pick up the sent of warm coco
>quietly make may way through the vent system and find a unguarded tray of scones and two mugs of hot choclate
>Yonk!
>good thing I was quick about it too, think it was the Cannoness's room
>they are the craziest one out of all the sisters
>Take the tray to a secluded part of vent system.
>Dig into the scones, they are nice and fresh
>hear some commotion com from a near by air vent
>Take a peak
>Oh my emperor
>It is one of the sororita's dorm rooms
>Gorgeous psychos are laughing and giggling in their see through underwear
>they are having a pillow fight
>I am ok with this....

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>>63534050
It ok comrade.

reply when can. we will try be here.

Good luck to you comrade

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>Be Fra'al Sat'rap Qfra'xkr*%^ (the % is silent)

>Be largely irrelevant on a galactic scale

>Aboard a Fra'al dreadnought,bored to a degree I thought Impossible

>Ayy what'sthis.hyperreel

>Discover a planet with what seems to be every human subspecies.

>Start Defrosting the war-thralls and Gene-priests

>It's probing time.holobob

>>63534074 (You)
>"fugging...give da 'emote already!"
>still sputtering about what I just avoided and pointing at the bunker and general
>No one is understanding what I'm saying
>I take a deep breath when I run out
>Then I say: the Ork Baneblade
>Commissar's eyes bulges
>explosion at the bunker
>IT'S THE ORK BANEBLADE
>AND IT'S ARMED
>AND NOT FRIENDLY
>Commissar seems to be beside himself
>I think he whispers to fuck it
>fuck it
>fuck it=shoot it
>SHOOT IT
>I pull my bolt pistol and shoot the tank or the damn greens on it
>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tK8r1NQ8gk8
>everyone seems to get the picture and starts screaming their ass while shooting what they can
>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=885BJoUAD9s
>Our finest firepower put to good use
>ORK BANEBLADE loses a few orks on outside, but the inside is still safe and lets out a heavy round
>guys die
>KEEPFIRING.DOYOUGUYSWANNALIVEFOREVER
>Eversore assassin "appears" on the tank
>he "disappears" into the tank
>green blood shoots out from windows
>1 free Baneblade

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>>63532382
>incompetent IG regiment is actually starting to win
How can they be starting to win if more than half of those imbeciles have fallen to Slaanesh?

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>Be Fra'al Shock-Mutant Q.X.3.2 SB129
>Teleported into human religious complex.
>Inside of a wall
>At least i'm not clipping into anything again.hyperreel
>Break through fracking wall because FRACK SUBTLETY
>Room is full of lingerie clad Sororitas
>Human girls are easy.holobob

>>63534348
Nothing a health application of commissarial blamming can't fix!

>>63534482
>Be Sister of Battle
>Freaky Xenos teleports into SoB dorm room
>Pull flamer out from under the bed
>"PURGE THE XENOS!!!"
>proceed to roast intruding xenos perverts
>Realize they broke through an exterior wall and now all the cold air is getting inside.
>All the girls are in their underwear and EVERYONE can see through the hole
>GodEmperordamnitwhydoesthisshithavetohappennow.voxcast

>>63534655
>Be Fra'al Shock-Mutant Q.X.3.2 SB129
>Totally fracking worth it.hyperreel

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>>63534496
>mfw when you realize the remaining human commissar is an unknowingly a Slaanesh worshiper
>Nothing a healthy application of commissarial blamming can't fix

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>>63534717
>mfw apparently the only competent person working for the Imperium on Timbuktu is an Ork disguised as a commissar, and the remaining human commissar is a thot who almost openly wants to ride him like a jetbike
>mfw the Ork probably wants the war to keep going indefinitely anyway because, well, Orks
>mfw the other Orks still nicked 49 more Baneblades out from under the Imperium's nose
Guilliman's Imperium continues to be a disappointment folks.

>>63534932
>>63534348
ya pessimistic peteys
even perverts and fetishists can save the day
now...that I have said that
they do good work with good motivation
and I would never be caught naked saving a naked Felind lady from enemy fire


I would be caught in armor saving a naked Felind lady from enemy fire.
I am not perverted that way.

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>>63531866
>>63533614
>>63534074
>Be junior Commissar Svenja
>Really struggling to maintain my composure and put up that cold heartd strict commissar facade
>Massagers have been bouncing around inside me like ever since that valhallan turned them up to max power
>Feels like a Tyranid ripper warm is having a party in my fun bits
>Struggle to hold back moans
>it might look like I'm currently in living through the worst moment of my life
>But I can assure you....I am fucking over the golden throne
>Sothiswhatitmustfeellikeforthosesororitabitchesmeetinganastartes.Emperorpeserve me
>So caught up in my little "situation" that I didn't notice that the whole damn regiment has caught on
>they are now fighting for the remote
>this can't be good
>Commissar Bax is furious, he grabs the remote and hurls it miles away
>Oh shit, You forgot to turn it off!
>OOOH! Emperor guide me! one of the massagers has tunnels into the baby maker
>someone help, i'm loosing it!
>Cantholdbackthemoans.Emperorpleaseforgiveyourhumbleservant
>not sure if my body is numb or just overdosing on dopamine
>Massagers fluctuate in power, i think someone is messing with the remote
>Up, down, u-u-UP, D-down.....UP!
>this feels amazing!
>That felinid grunt is looking at me funny
>try to brush him off with a friendly wave
>Qt honest Felinid from earlier grabs my shoulder
>huh? did he just ask me if I would like to "join his regiment on an ass plow?"
>.....yes...please?
>Fighting back panting and saliva
>Oh wait....think he meant "Assault on the Tau"
>Keep it together woman
>"Sure thing Lieutenant! First we Plow those blue xenos, then we plow me! hah!"
>What the shit did I say?
>Try to cover my mouth, feel that my face is hotter than Tallarn's homeworld
>I Don't think i am going to make it....
>think I'm about to.....

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>>63534717
>>63534932
>>63535138
>>63535162
I'm as loyal as the next Imperial citizen....but this lady is making an interesting case for joining slaanesh

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>>63535138
>>63535162
>>63535322

Mind keeping the heresy down?

I am trying to watch the imperium finest here
>>63534655

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>>63535162
>>63534337
>>63533614

>Be Disguised Ork Kommando 'Commissar Bax'
>Watching Junior Commissar Svenja squirm and start to moan like a horny joygirl
>Oh Gork damn it, she's stuffed her holes full of those massagers again didn't she?
>Commissarialfacepalm.Imperium?
>Would BLAM her here and now, but that would probably destroy troop morale
>IreallyreallymissdealingwithOrks.kommando
>Oh well, I can dump her on the Felinids now! I have a Baneblade to go commandeer
>And an incompetent general to smack around
>itsthelittlethingsthatmakelifefun.voxcast
>Hopefully that Eversor still isn't inside the tank
>"Roight. Svenja Ulric, Iz appointin' you in charge of the kittypeople until further notice. I 'ave... to go deal with some Commissarial stuff."
>stomp out of the trench before anyone else can question it, leaving Svenja all on her own with the Guardsmen
"And now I head out to work. Try not to fall to heresy while I'm gone!" He says in the thread where Slaanesh is openly fapping.

>>63535465
>Be Eversor Assassin
>Just finish Slaughtering hundreds and hundreds of Slanneshi cultists and deamonettes
>Good Fun
>But now once again fun is over
>Back to boredom
>Sees a extremely crippled deamonette on the floor
>Decide to pass the time by slowly ripping one of its arms off and beating the shit out of the deamonette with said arm
>Notices a baneblade passing by
>Calculation:
>Baneblade=Battle
>Battle=Heretics and Deamons
>Heretics and Deamons means fun
>Kills the deamonette by stomping it's head flat
>Throws away arm
>Runs and jump on top of the baneblade
WRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYY!!
>Translation: Bring me to battle its getting boring out here!

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>>63534655
>Be Ratling Sniper
>munching away happily at crazy sister tall legs scones
>They are unbelievably delicious, have to remember to ask for the recipe before I leave
>More likely that I am just going to steal it
>Who knows how these crazy tall legs would react
>Heard from a fellow ratling that they once Burnt down a whole flock of tall legs because one of them had an extra finger or something
>Shit like that makes an abhuman like myself a bit uneasy
>then again, It is kind of hard to believe those stories when you see these tall legs
>Can't help but admire the sororitas as they enjoy their pillow fight
>Those hips, those lips, those bodies
>they sure kept themselves fit these tall legs
>It's almost hypnotizing when you she a sororita hit another with a pillow, watch their assets....juggile
>Take another bite of a scone an lean in close to the air duct to get a better view
>BOOM!
>out of nowhere these weird looking xenos appear
>Crap! I reach for my slug sniper
>temperature then rises up to 1000 degrees all of a sudden
>the heck? Peak in to see that Xenos have been turned into crisps
>turns out they have flame throwers tucked under their beds
>Aaand that my queue to get the hell out of here
>The view was nice while it last-
>accidentally fall through the air duct, land onto one of the crazy tall legs beds
>They all turn around, point flamers at me
>...well...nice knowing me....might as well go out like a good ratling
>Stretch my self out on the bed and giv my sexist pose, give the killer wink
>"Hello Beautiful tall legs! Would you look at that? Your ladies are so gorgeous ratlings just fall from the ceiling"
>I am definitely gonna die

>>63535465

Now...what's the next course of action almighty writefags who want a slice of glory?

I say we let the Ork man take with him the regular IG's and tits McGee I mean Jr. Comm Svenja gets the special skitari cogboys and the wily cat people.
The surviving catachans wind up in the half-exposed bunker and unfortunately find themselves with the tween soritas and priest ladies. Bring more blankets. and liquids. because water keeps people from drying out in the cold.

The slut I mean junior commissar decides to grab any willing bunker reinforcements and head to the Tau encampment, which just happens to have the most leadership of the xeno enemy and rebel scum in 1 spot.
A great battle awaits.
Then the other Russian general comes in with his forces that the junior commislut, commissar needs desperately to beat the defenses to a pulp.
A tactical counterattack, artillery, more manpower, 'ARDBASS, whatever.
They somehow win or lose, but the Jr. Comm x Felind catman ship must sail at all screentime costs!!!

As for the IG guys being led by the Ork Komm, there are a few ways our orky boy can do his job.
1. He challenges the leader of the Deffskulls to an arm wrestling for all of the Baneblades and ownership of the other in command. He cheats
2. He mounts an "offensive to orks" offensive to distract the orks and have guys take the 'blades without anyone looking
3. he holds out on Frozen Hill until Jr. Comm and Russian general come back to support
4. He waits for the astartes to drop, because that's when the enemies of man are fated to drop
5. He starts to question his allegiance the most when he finds that the enemy ORKs is going to shoot him despite knowing his real identity. Or when the IG guys start to act too stupid.
6. ignore 5., and betray all the 'umies, but face the wrath of a scorned woman and a Russian general

>>63535799
This man must talk his way out with food and secrecy. He dies if he's not worthy of a few more sexual encounters.

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>>63535685
>>63535465
>Be Slaanesh
>the perfect prince
>Eating out this cute demonette with four tits
>Thought I have been a bit mean to them lately
>Want to make it up to them
>Working on the best technique to make them turn into gushers
>Tongue is working magic when I hear some commotion coming from that Perveted shithole Timbuktu
>Wah?
>Turns out all of my brother's rage bois have been extreminated
>90% of my followers have been slaughtered by some mask wearing corpse worshiper
>The survivors are about to be gangbanged by some corpse worshiper drunk off their ass
>They have vox speakers turned up to 11 with Hardbass
>...excusemewhatthefuck.warp
>Harden.rageboner
>Grab demonette but the horns
>Ram the funstick down her throat
>Deliver fury like no warp spawn has ever seen
>Hips that would make khorne jealous
>oh wait....hehehehe
>NO! This is not good, how the fuck did corpse worshipers beat chaos
>they have an ork and a thirty slut for commissars!
>We have got to fix this shit
>Schemeingtime.warp
>Demonette tries tapping out
>Not this time sister
>*GLUK*GLUK*GLUK*GLUK*GLUK*GAK*GAK*GLUK

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>>63536173
hrmmmm.....

>>63536173
Slaanesh! tsk tsk why have you got to be so lewd? Think of the imperial childern!

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>>63536345
>be Slaanesh
>Prince of Pleasure
>also warp god if kinky and depraved fetishes
>get ask why am I so "lewd"
>Its my job
>.....and I love it

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>>63536173
>>63535465
>Be Private Viktor
>Crusade goes well cormades
>Ardbass is guide
>Hundred and hundred of Valhallan comrades march through destroyed city
>We Drink, we dance, we kill heretic cyka blyat
>but where all heretic pussies?
>Street empty
>except for comrades
>Maybe they leave
>Heretic pussies cannot handle glorious ardbass
>it ok
>We find them, they cannot run from true Valhallan cromades
>Also,vodka almost run out
>see comrade Pyter topple over and vomit
>He say he have too much vodka from glorious motherplanet
>BAH! He not Valhallan....he pussy
>But it ok, he play bayan good, so he stay
>Maybe we go get pilimini after we kill all Traitor cyka blyat
>VOT! There they are!
>me and comrades give "HOOORRRRAAH"
>We run over for the kill
>wait
>they already dead
>They all already dead
>Who kill?
>they do very good job, bit of Cyka blyat here, bit over there
>One body intestine used to spell "Long live God Tsar"
>HOOOORRRRAAAH
>Who ever do this, is true comrade. we must met one day da
>VOT! Xaxaxaxa
>Cyka blyat heretic trying to hide in under ground metro system
>too late, we see you!
>They flee into metro
>We get bayonet ready
>"FOR GOD TSAR! HOORRRAAAH!"
>Charge into metro after pussy cyka blyat heretics
>They try make ambush on us
>Xaxaxaxa....nyet
>Save us from running
>Comrades tackle them to ground
>We Kick, stab, wack with las gun, shoot
>Leave no ardbass hating pussy live
>comrade Zhukovich use bare hands t rip demonette head clean off
>then he use to beat cultust blyt to death
>Horoshoi
>Tear them limb from limb
>There no mercy for Cyka Blyat!

>>63536345
I am thinking of the children, that's why I'm so hard

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>>63537967

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>>63537967
>>63538085
Wez gunna ax u few quezteons

>>63536526
Nu metal head banging slaanesh when?

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>>63537888
>>63536173
>>63535799
>be magos
>dong still broken
>angerbeyondkhorn'sunderstanding.Morse Code
>detach from side of bike and manage to roll toward the frontline
>ohshitweattackingthetaunow?
>stand up and turn to the retards
>THERE WILL BE A REWARD OF A 4 SLOT TOASTER TO WHOEVER CAN CAPTURE A LIVING MEMBER OF THE TAU LEADERSHIP CASTE
>skirarii turn and face rank
>all of them wryyyyy like the skull boy that killed the tank
>notasplanned.oof
>the immediately swarm the trench line like a bunch of fucking nids
>somewhatasplanned.good'nuff
>walk my way (painfully) towards the small group of what equates to a command squad
>commuslut's aids are going berserk for some reason
>ain'tmyproblem.machinespirit
>the valhallans have disappeared
>greet bax
>tells me to get going in orkish
>notice that supplies are getting a bit low
>throw a requisition flare into the nearby trench for a supply dropsite
>feel a disturbance in the machine force
>notice some grey motherfucker stalking around the battlefield sticking things into corpses
>probably just an assassin

>>63535162
>>63538126

>Be Felinid Lieutenant Liono
>Oh Throne the Commissar is horny
>She's moaning now
>Wait, did she just say we plow her after we plow the blue xenos?
>Mroooowrr!!
>Hear several hisses of annoyance behind me
>Realize several members of the regiment are female
>dontlookbackdontlookbackdontlookback.voxcast
>glance back for just a brief second
>By the Emperor
>If glares were weapons those girls would be wielding Exterminatus-class weaponry
>See Svenja start to stumble and catch her before she loses herself completely
>"Commissar, we should really, really get moving."
>Ears flatten against head in fear for what the ladies in my own regiment are going to do
>Felinid women really don't like competition
>You have never seen a catfight until you watched two Felinid women go at it over a man
>itssohotyetcompletelyterrifying.nya
>Watch Skitarii charge toward the Tau line on the other side of no man's land
>Um, aren't Tau long-range specialists?

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>>63520257
>>63521674
>>63523791
>>63529668
>>63529877
>>63530523
>>63533693
>>63534085
>>63535162
>>63536173

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>>63537967
Damn it, now we need to go ask Gork and Mork to re-enact 'To Catch a Predator' again, and we all know how well THAT went last time this happened.

>>63537888
>be me, General Igor Pidarovskij
>i did not got answer from vox
>if they don't want party, we will make them party
>see a city in distance
>see artillery and troops fighting in city
>it is time to inspire my comrades
>CHEEEEEEEKIIBREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKIII
>we leave no heretic live and no man sober
>use the valhallan heretic test
>we offer vodka
>if they refuse they are heretics
>if they accept they are a great ally of the Imperial Guard
>turn up hardbass
>cykas flee from glorious valhalla culture
>BABUSHKA I WILL MAKE YOU PROUD
>FOR THE GOD TSAR

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>>63538126
>>63538248
>Be junior commissar Svenja
>Think I just blacked out for a second, my whole body feels lighter than a feather.
>my head is spinning
>got the biggest grin on my face
>the insides of my fun bits are still warm with pure ecstasy
>Pretty sure my pants are beyond soaked...probably looks really bad, don't want to give people the wrong idea
>I swear I am not normally like this
>Take deep breaths
>try to not think about the massagers still shaking inside of me.
>hardtomaintainstraightfacewhenyourinsidesarevibrating.emperorpreserve me
>eventually come to my senses and realize that I had fainted into the qt felinid gaurdsmen's arms
>Oh no, stop! don't look at me like that!
>Somehow my face ends up getting more red, spine even starts to tingle
>Recompose myself and straighten up...come on svenja! you are better than this, just wait until the attack is over, then!
>Then......mhmmm
>Wait no! snap out of it!
>Notice that the Felinid female recruits are glaring at me
>That can't be good, I hope they sense anything, I am not in heat I swear!
>Two more massagers decide to tunnel up and meet the first one
>Bite my lip to stop the loud moan I was about to let out
>Never thought I would be this hard to hold back such Pleasure
>Legs wiggle like noodles again
>Emperor....forgive me....I can't take it any more
>Take a long breath and grab the qt Felinid by the strap of his helmet
>Pull him in and we lock lips
>slide my tongue into his mouth, give his rough a good wrestle while I wrap one of my legs around his.
>I can only imagine what those tongue hairs will do to me later
>force my self to pull free, leave a long link of saliva from my lips
>Quickly wipe it off and give the qt mutant a wink
>Notice that those metal gaurdsmen are run towards the blue xeno base en mass
>Oh right, Commissar Hunk let me in charge for that....
>Draw las pistol, rev up chainsword, turn to felinids
>"First one to bring me nine Xeno heads will get Head!"
>For the Emperor!

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>>63538666
By the Emperor....

Now we know how she graduated the Schola

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>>63538708
She needs to go back and relearn everything.
By the golden throne this shot is just unbearable.

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>>63529747
Cheeki breeki ya git!

>>63538731
She does appear to be keeping morale up though


Good'nuff I guess

>>63538762
Puts a new spin on comissars shooting guardsmen
>HOLD THAT LINE
>but ma'am, we're being over run!
>Sploosh
Y..yes ma'am

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>>63538666
>>63538708
>>63538762
>>63538772

>Be Slaanesh
>I agree
>really don't see what the problem it
>She seems like a dutiful and HARD working corpse worshiping commissar to me
>*tosses catatonic four titted demonette aside*
>Just my opinion of course

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>>63538666

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>>63538666
>"First one to bring me nine Xeno heads will get Head!"
>For the Emperor!

Don't bring me into this my perverted child! You're own your own.....Get help. Riding people like jetbikes isn't healthy

>>63538126
>>63538666
>Be Eversor Assassin
>Be on top of a moving Bandblade
>Be extremely bored off my fucking mind
>Dear Emperor please send something to kill me
>Hears something about reward
>Hears something Tau's
>Looks around a bit
>See Tau's base
>The Emperor heard my desperate prayer and answered them
>Bless the immortal God Emperor of Mankind
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gS9oAX1bnE
>Uses Baneblade to literally launch me inside the Tau's base building
>*BOOM*
>*SMASH*
>Breaks through the top building
>Amazing entrance complete
WRRRRYYYYYYYY!!
>Translation: Hello Xenos!
WRRRRYYYYYYYY!!
>Translation: Good bye Xenos!
>Slay all the Tau's in the room I'm in leave a blue bloody mess
>I think they may be really important but who cares, they're xenos, they're supposed to die anyways
>Make my way down the building
>Sees a bunch a Tau's
>This time they're in armor
>Some are even in Mechsuits
WRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!
>Translation: THIS IS WHERE TE FUN BEGINS HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
>Starts ripping bodies apart (Really damn easy cause Tau sucks a melee)
>The ones in Mechsuit think they stand a chance against me until they see one of their buddies have a huge hole of where the pilot should be
>and the next
>and the next
>and so on
>Man if only they can fight back, then it would be more exciting
>But the Emperor did give me something, so I'm happy anyways, thanks Big Emps

>>63538666
Ok you, Imma talk to your Senior Commissar about this shit
>>63538762
>>63538772
You and you, the only thing for certain that can keep a guardsman morale up and discipline checked, is a scary-ass commissar with a smoking bolt-pistol
>>63538792
Slaanesh, shut the fuck up or suck on my dick, pick one and stay with one
>>63538810
>Hands over Heavy Flamer
Please clean this shit.

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>>63538633
>be Private Viktor
>Me and comrades emerge from city metro
>tunnel heretic cyka blyat all dead
>We wear blood all over body
>Comrade Kaskarov still play with demonette head like football
>He try keep up
>He pretty good
>Comrades pass round last bottle of Glorious vodka from mother planet
>Nyet, ardbass cusade must stop till we get more vodka
>and adbass
>metro heretic blyat destroy last two vox box
>What do now?
>No heretic cyka blyat
>No ardbass?
>Nyet! Comrades not cry
>Be strong...for babushka...for god tsar
>Comrade pyter take out bayan
>He play song from motherplanet
>....ok...we cry now
>Comrades link arm
>sing along to pyter's beautiful musik
>Wait!
>what that?
>Comrades fall silent
>arbass?
>me and Comrades rush to main street near by
>DA! VALHALLAN TANK!
>ZSDRATVITYR COMADES!
>Ardbass blast from tank vox speaker
>Tank hatch open
>Comrade general climb out
>Ask if we want glorious motherplanet vodka
>there only one answer
>DA!
>general is true comrade, he order tankist to hand out more crate of vodka
>pull lid open with forehead
>Drink whole bottle
>One sip
>Smash bottle on ground, show comrade general we true Valhallan cromades
>See tear in his eye
>Babushka....We found best general
>He must meet commissar bax
>"HOOORRAH!HOOOOORAAH!HOOOORAH!HOOOORAHH!"
>We cheer for comrade general
>Make sure whole shitty planet hear glorious call of motherplanet
>General tell use we must go hunt more heretic blyat
>Xaxaxaxaxaxaxa
>ardbass crusade continue
>ARDBASSNEVEREND.HOOORRRAH
>FOR GOD TSAR!

>>63538895
Regarding your 2nd point:

>KIREG

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>>63538895
>be Slaanesh
>get berated by some angry fleshy mortal
>orders me to suck his "dick or shut the fuck up"
>HARDEN.WARPDAMNITITISREALLYHARD
>Yes Daddy! I am such a slut! I AM SO NAUGHTY!
>PUNISH ME DADDY
>CHOKE ME WITH YOUR COCK
>WRING MY FRAGILE NECK UNTIL WE CUM!
>*bends over and presents. Opens asshole with fingers*
>*fap*fap*Fap*FAP*FAP*FAP*FAP*

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>>63539110
Emprah damn it Slaanesh....

Why u gotta make things uncomfortable

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>>63539197
>>63539110
>>63538895
>jackass: encourages Slaanesh
>Slaanesh: gets encourages
>jackass: pic related

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>be General Darrius Kragg
>that guardsmen on a bike zipped past us on the floor
>thankfully he realised his mistake and swirled back around
>thatsrightcannonfodder.feelsgoodtpbeincharge
>gaurdsmen pulls up beside us
>See that baneblade is coming right at us still
>"thank you gaurdsmen! Your sacrifice shall be an example to all
>Try shoving him off the bike and "commandeer" his vehicle to make my escape
>turns out he is pretty strong for a guardsmen
>can't seem to throw him off
>last thing I see is his fist come at my face in a blur
>knocked out cold
>well shit
>....
>wake up in a interrogation room
>Its dark and grimly
>sit on a crappy stool with a solid steel table in front of me
>ok?
>feel something at my feet
>the fuck?!
>that slut commissar svenja is on all fours trying to open my pants with just her teeth
>ummm
>"greetings General "
>woah! Was that inquisitor always there?
>he throws file onto table
>starts blabing on about an investigation about my heretical actions
>See another inquisitor in the corner ready his power sword
>commissar bitch is still trying to unzip me
>I am so fucked
>Wake up for real
>oh...it was just a nightmare
>the fuck?
>why am I tied up?
>where am I?
>heads bouncing around everywhere
>realize I am on the baneblade
>wait what
>apparently we took back control
>look up to see commissary Bax
>he just gives me this death stare
>....can I go back to having that nightmare?

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>>63539052
>be me, General Igor Pidarskij
>we found comrades!
>they take our vodka and drink it in one swig
>DAVAJ DAVAJ
>that brings tears of joy into eye
>driver gives them more vodka, smokes and sunflower seeds
>see for a normal man it would be hard to eat sunflower seed with this many missing tooth
>not for true valhallan comrades
>tell the driver to give them the tri poloski
>driver paints three glorious white stripes on their helmets
>DAVAJ DAVAJ
>"NOW YOU BEAR THE MARK OF REGIMENT COMRADES, TRI POLOSKI, WHITE AS THE SNOWY HILLS OF GLORIOUS MOTHERPLANET"
>tanks spread in parallel streets and we make great hardbass crusade
>you see my friends, there is no point in spreading the glory of the god tsar if nobody see, hear, feel it
>see buildings full of heretiks
>NO NO, this people are beyond saving
>"COMRADES LET'S MAKE RUBLE OUT OF BUILDING"
>multiple tanks begin to fire at build

>>63539631
>multiple tanks begin to fire at building AND DELIVER THE FURY OF THE GLORIOUS GOD TSAR TO GLUPPY HERETIKS

sorry, that last line was supposed to look like this

>>63539110
Not sure if this is hammed up slaanesh or actual cannon Slaanesh....hard to tell

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>>63539613
Is an incompetent General and a dead right coward= puts up picture of General Motherfucking stern

What?

General Darrius should feel ashamed to even try to consider himself on that level.

>>63539786
Hammered up Slaanesh IS canon Slaanesh

>>63538666
>>63538666
And now we know why Bax noped out of there to go after that baneblade...

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>>63539110
>>63539197
>>63539278
>>63539786
>>63540028
>Be Jackass Mortal
>Looks at Slaanesh with regret
>Slaps Emperor-Graded duck tape on her mouth to shut her up
>Sigh
>Looks at presented ass
>Gets a boner
Ah fuck it.
>Whips out dick and take opportunity
>RAM it hard inside this whore's asshole
>*BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG*

>>63538248
>>63538666
>>63538126
>be IG bike user
>watch as our guys start doing our thing
>we are fucking glorious doing our job kicking ass and taking names
>Tau not standing at the front gate
> tau base will be overrun by cat people and scary cyborgs
>SHEER 4 STORY TAU BUILDING GUARDED BY TAU IS LEFT
>FINAL CHECKPOINT DOOR IS FIRST BOSS
>We duck, leap, dodge, swear, shoot, or get cauterized when we see the BIG ASS TAU MECH
>overcompensatingmuch.fuckyou
>We are running out of Ammo
>we are out of ammo
>WE ARE OUT OF AMMMMMMOOOO
>Melee clusterfuck
>MELEEE CLUSTERFUCK
>I ram bluetards and grab wrench to bash concuss unworthy bastards
>ROADKILL.ROADKILL.CLANG.CLANG
>FIRST BOSS Shoots my bike
>explosion sends me landing in box
>I am man stuck
>quickly, FIRST BOSS MECH is surrounded by the anal assault that is the cat, metal, and regular troops.
>see cat boy and female recruiter leading the bashing
>female recruiter
>OHSHITIFORGOTTHEREMOT
>I grab the remote from the front and turn the dial down
>Canthavemasturbastionduringbattle.right?
>bubble shield comes and sends guys flying
>ANGRYCATANDTOASTERANDGUARDSMENNOISES.VOX
>Magos appears with boxes behind him
>standoff
>boxes explode
>ABSOLUTE UNITS APPEARS
>Fat as thicc as goes servitors with beefy augmetics
>Magos only points at the Tau FIRST BOSS
>lasers.lasers.lasers
>Servitos los grandes really BEEFY because somehow lasers are not stopping them
>mfw I wish I had my bike right now

>>63542107
>Tau FIRST BOSS is panicking when lasers start coming faster
>Thiccer servitors ar so slow
>Magos hurts my ears with a strong radio burst
>Thicc servitors suddenly stop
>fire starts erupting from their butts
>oh shit they're getting off the ground
>literally flying above the ground
>I decide to actually try to get out of box to see what's happening
>I fall down
>my butt has a 6 inch wood shard sticking in
>ohmylordemperor.pleasedontbedeep
>play it safe by crawling
>the thicc servitors are FLYING
>AT THE TAU FIRST BOSS
>FIRST BOSS IS BEING BULLIED BY THICK-ASS SERVITORS
>hear something behind me
>the female recruiter is here
>mfw she grabs the shard in my butt
>SHEISNOTAMEDICAENOTMYMEDIC
>she savagely pulls out the shard
>sweet SWEET SWEET LORD EMPEROR PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN
>Ineedamedicbag.reference
>feel stab with shoulder
>a damn needle with weird liquids is pouring inside
>I'm not a good doctor to know what's happening, but I suddenly feel like ignoring pain.
>cat man takes the needle out and extends hand
>BROPICKMEUP
>I get up and brush against female recruiter's tits when I stumble
>IMPURETHOUGHTS.IMPURETHOUGHTS.IMPURETHOUGHTS
>hear seductive grin
>PURGETHOUGHTS.PURGETHOUGHTS.PURGETHOUGHTS
>catman knows my feels
>mangos is suddenly near us
>he urges us to get restocked
>we see other guys or gals (metal boys and cat people included) getting out of the base to some boxes with ammo a few meters out
>thank the emperor
>BOOM.FLYINGFLAMMABLESERVITORPART
>Tau FIRST BOSS is starting to get rid of the thicc servitors by quickshooting them
>magos sends out another painful radio burst
>metal reinforcements come
>mfw I still wish for my bike

Just so baxposter knows, he also has his own band of regular IG guys to help him.

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>>63543094
>be magos
>making sure the pariahs are getting munitions while the castellens are distracting the commander
>suddenly robot arm
>robot arm?
>turn around
>couple of my babies have been atomised
>this displeases me
>look around and see that nobody else is doing anything
>fuck it
>REEEEEEEEEEEEEE.REEEEEEEEEEEE
>charge the fucker with khornate fury and my axe held high
>swing axe
>remove its gun arm
>tries to attack with mech fist
>fist crumples against my faceplate due to poor alloy composition
>Tau mech starts convulsing and keels over fowards
>there's a skitarii with an electropike latched onto its back
>lob a toaster at his face
>assume victory squat
>initiate victory screech

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>>63541524
>Be Slaaanesh
>Prince of Pleasure
>Fleshy mortal slaps duck tape onto my mouth
>HHHHHMF!
>Peel of duct tape and lick lips
>OH DADDY! don't worry...I got us covered
>*whips out metal spiked dildo ball gag, shoves it down my throat. fasten it TIGHT*
>Struggle to breath.
>FUNSTICKISSOHARDITLEAKSABIT.warp
>*pinch nipples with smoldering iron claps, sizzle nipples as they snap on*
>Fleshy mortal sticks his meat into my puckered little ass hole
>FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK YEEEESSSSSS! = HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!
>He is giving it to me ROUGH!
>FUCK YES DADDY! = HMMMMMMMMRF! HMMMF HMMPHY!
>*reaches for barbed wire an wraps it around need, starts strangling self with it*
>WARPDAMNTHISISAGOODFUCK!.THEPERFECTPRINCE
>*fun stick is twitching.....I'm going to*
>*solid dicked mortal start smacking Prostate and g-spot with his soft tip*
>HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMM DAAAAADY!
>*Start decorating floor with fresh Milk*
>*spurt**SPURT*SPURT*SPURT*SPURT*SPURT*
>see demonettes rush over trying to lick it up
>AY! Bitches don't get that for free
>Wrestle one onto her back
>slides spiked leather collar on my dick
>HEREWEGO.WARP
>Ram it inside
>this fuck has just gone triple threat daddy
>*FLOMP*SPURT*FLOMP*SPURT*FLOMP*SPURT*FLOMP*SPURT*

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>>63541524
>>63544163
.....God Emperor....protect us

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>>63541524
>>63544163
I hope you happy with yourself my child. Don't expect any further blessings from me. Nope. Tried to lead humanity into greatness, but no, they rather stick their dicks into whore warp gods that desperately need rehab.

...You better be wearing protection, Wouldn't surprise me if that colossal warp slut/fuckboy has all of Nurgle's infections

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Is it just me or does this thread have more heresy than most?

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>>63541524
>>63544163
Godemperor protect us all

>>63538666
>Be Felinid Lieutenant Liono
>holy shit the commissar's making out with me
>Welp, the girls in the regiment are probably going to kill us both
>Totally gonna have sexy times later
>ifitsfortheemperoritsokayright?.nya
>Raise laspistol and give order to charge
>whisper to Svenja: "You probably should wait a moment and remove the... 'augmentations' you have. Don't want you dying on me, nya."
>I am so gonna plow her later
>In the Emperor's name
>Obviously

>>63544609
why you gotta be tomcat catman
y?????????????

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>>63535799
>Be Sister Superior
>Recruits are screaming "Purge the Xenos!"
>Burst in with flamer
>Look around
>There's a hole in the wall and a Ratling chilling on one of the beds
>Thatsnoxenos.heresy
>Also, by throne its cold
>This pervert can probably see everything through my underwear
>Stares blankly at Ratling for a moment
>Raise flamer
>"......You have 60 seconds before my Sisters and I start playing a rousing game of 'purge the mutant'."
>Where the hell did that 'stress relief' priest(ess) get to anyway?

>>63545112
I think the Lieutenant's trying to keep Commissar Svenja from experiencing a 'friendly fire' incident. At least he's not trying to get the remote like some kind of Slaaneshi pervert...

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>>63542107
>>63543094
>>63544609
>Be junior commissar Svenja
>Heart is racing faster than jaghatai khan on his jet bike
>I've Never felt more alive
>See all the Felinid's ears poke up as soon I give the order of collecting nine heads
>Guessing all the ones that are hissing are the females
>Oh shit, I don't want to get them on my bad side
>Clear throat and raise chainsword high above my head, hold down the trigger to make it roar like an ogryn
>Legs stiffen with excitement
>"....and the First Felinid female to find the blue xeno leader get to have me as their servant for a day!"
>Wait what? probably should of thought about that one before yelling it
>But at least their ears are poking up now
>Bite lip to withstand relentless drumming of my insides.
>Shit, I think the last Massager is exploring way too far up my rear end
>Might have to wretch it out.....later
>Try fighting back tears of joy, I feel every mutant's eyes on me as I squirm a little on the spot
>"f-f-f-fFOR THE EMPEROR!"
>Ears sting after all felinids give a loud ass "MEOW FOR THE EMPRAH"
>qt Felinid soldier leans into my ear, feel my whole body clench
>Please, warn me next time qt, you almost made me....
>oh wait never mind
>letouttearsofjoy.Loudassmoan
>He whispers that I should Take out my massagers for my own saftey"
>naaaaaw He is absolutely adorable! You know what? Definitely going to let him use all entrances
>By the emperor he has earned it
>Wrap my hand behind his helmet and lean in to whisper into his ear
>"Only if YOU reach in a pull them out kitty"
>Playfully nibble his ear and wink
>Rev up my chainsword and start charging towards the Xeno base
>flood the Xeno base with felinid gaurdmen, turns out, there is already a shitstorm under way
>blue xenos running around crying like little bitches while their pew pew guys are trying desperately to hold back the onslaught
>See gaurdmen crawling with wooden shard in his arse
>hrmmm
>grab it an pull it out
>"ON your feet, we've got xenos to kill!"

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>>63539631
>Be Private Viktor
>Comrade general has honoured us with highest Valhallan honour
>He order tank driver to give tri poloski
>they paint on uniform
>Comrades fight tears
>But too late
>"CHEEKIBREEKEIIIIIII!"
>me and comrades have found true Comrade regiment
>Tell Tank comrades to paint tripoloski on chest
>Babhuska would be Proud of milinke volk
>I show colours of Motherplanet once again
>Close eyes to hear Ardbass
>hear vice of God Tsar in beautiful musik
>DA....Da it time cormades
>"FOR GOD TSAR! CYKA BLYAT HOOOOOOORRRRAHHHHH!"
>Comrades follow tank through street
>We run beside, we not pussies
>VOT! Building of heretic blyat!
>Tank shoot, start bringing bulding down
>DA, horoshoi!
>but me and comrades must make sure
>Traitor pussies must die for insult to ARDBASS
>voice of God TSAR
>CHEEEEEEKIBREEKI!
>Me and comrades charge with bayonet
>Run through build as collapse
>STAB! SHOOT! BURN ALLL CYKA BLYAT HERETIC!
>TEAR LIMB FROM LIMB
>rumble come down like rain
>Xaxaxaxa see heretic run like pussies
>We chase out of building
>into next
>One by one, building fall
>HOOOOOORRRRRRAAAAAH!
>this is true Valhallan regiment from motherplanet!

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How the fuck did the Imperium manage to turn this whole shit around?!

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>>63545762
Ork commissar, Eversor assassin, toaster humpers and horny cat people

But most importantly, Slav gaurdsmen. they are doing good job.

Just don't look at the General Kaag or junior commissar if you do not wish to cry for this imperium.

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>Be Fra'al Sat'rap Qfra'xkr*%^
>Invasion not going fast enough
>FRAK IT,SEND THE GIANT ROBOT
>(Theremin music intensifies)

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>>63545692
>Tank shoot, start bringing bulding down
>but me and comrades must make sure
>Traitor pussies must die for insult to ARDBASS
>Me and comrades charge with bayonet
>Run through build as collapse

.....Why tho? Sounds like a waste of mean if you ask me

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>Be Fra'al giant robot
>Beginning final diagnostics

>Heavy Impulse Bombard engaged

>Ether Cascade Array engaged

>Rad-Kite Cluster Missiles engaged

>Regenerative Cyber-musculature active

>Nano-Metal Carapace at 100%

>Planar Barriers at 100%

>Fra'al Subjugator Class War-Mech fully operational
>Final diagnostics complete
>Let the carnage begin.holobob

>Teleported in the middle of a huge battle.
>EVERYTHING FRAKING DIES.hyperreel

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>>63545692
>>63539631
>Be Lord Commissar Lydmila Timoshenko
>Served as loyal commissar under Igor Pidarskij for three years
>So far, he has been a step above regular brainless General
>Yes, he maybe a little too eager and impulsive, but I only had to put him back in line once
>As much as I agreed that those Tallarn guardsmen were cowards for using hit and run tactics. We couldn't launch a purge against them
>Why would high command think that is is a suitable strategy?
>We were fighting pathetic greenskin on the other side of pathetic planet when General receive emergency transmission
>Idiot general from other front was losing...badly
>I tell my assistant to remind me to shot this general Kragg when I see him
>He is not using his brain anyway
>General Igor takes entire regiment to help reinforce those cowards
>I ride in tank with General Igor, we arrive in ruin city
>orders to give anyone we see the Valhallan loyalty test
>I see group of soldiers emerge from underground tunnel and Point them out to general Igor
>Comrades pass test with flying colors.
>Good to see that Valhallans are doing job
>We swear them into our regiment, before general igor orders the tans to spilt up into convoy and eliminate all heretics
>salute and board my personal Tank, we take left road and take some of the new comrades with us
>We spot heretics garrisoned in crumbling buildings
>shake head, idiots
>Order all tanks to fire, fold my arms behind my back to watch the magnificent display of heavy guns ripping concrete and steel apart
>Forthegodtsar.URA
>traitors attempt to flee, but new comrades storm building and drive bayonets through their corrupted bodies
>Would smile if I could, I give a stern nod of a approval instead
>One comrade run over to my tank wish three other soldiers
>they are half naked and wear bandanas
>Soldier ask what we do with them
>I show you what to do.
>Draw my pistol and put a bullet in all three.
>If they do not fight, then they die

>>63546573
Where in barren Timbuktu did you land?
I cannot continue with a giant giant robot destroying something. Describe what you are destroying.

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>>63546208
And you sound like Cadian Cyka blyat pussy

>>63546799
pic related

>>63546976
In the middle of the fight between the ig and the Tau, fighting both of them.

>>63547097

also close enough to any existing characters present in that fight for them to see it. But they are far enough away that they aren't the targets of it's opening volley.

>>63547097
>deep breath
>BOILING BOI
>DEP BREATH
>gotta accept this

>>63546799
There can be two Lord commissars on one planet?

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>>63544163
........... Someone get Malal/Malice/the warp janitor. Slaanesh made a mess of the place. Again.

>>63547470
Given how incompetent the one IG regiment and the usual incompetence of the Administratum, it makes perfect sense for two Lord Commissars to be on the same planet and not even know the other exists.

> be me
> black templar high marshall Hans
> in charge of the glorious third crusader company.
> hear about some planet out in the middle of nowhere over run with FUCKING WEEBS AND HERETICS
> decide to go murder some cunts
> drop out of warp over the system
> waitwhatthefuck.vox
> guardsmen.... winning?
> by the god emperor we have to see this for our selves
> load up in thunderhawks with heavy armor and drop pods
> drivemecloser.iwannahitemwithmysword
> land on the planets surface and see some weird ass xenos.... things.
> wellifitsheresy.purge.
> draw power fist and onehand a boltgun like a motherfucker.
> grin under my helmet as I roar a battle litany to the emperor.
> descend like the fury of dorn himself upon the enemy.
> god emperor of mankind I love my job.

>>63547730
Didn't first commissary get his ass handed to him by khorne beserkers? Everyone watched too

>>63543505
>>63546573
>>63538849
>be bikeless IG bike user
>reel from the Magos squatting on Tau First Boss Mecha screeching into radio
>Same mecha suddenly releases air and something into the air
>ejection pod is trying to escape
>Magos recovers from surprise and tries to grapple to coward pod
>standstill for a few seconds before thrusters start to floor the ejection pod
>METAL BOI STRETCHIN
>another painful radio burst
>Thicc Servitors start thrusting against the coward pod
>Other metal boys jump on the escape pod and try smashing it down
>female recruiter orders guys with ammo to shoot the thrusters and they do
>Stretched Magos screams no
>XENOBLAM.ROCKETMANFAILURE
>Magos limbs blown
>metal boys fall off except 2
>thicc servitors get grounded
>coward pod goes crazy invisible rollercoaster before crash landing
>Magos grapples to my chest pad and tells me to move to it
>SERIOUSLOAD.TROOPERMAX
>make it to escape pod and see metal boys scrape open door
>door opens to show feminine Xeno face
>mfw to prepare for tits that might show
>air escapes to show no tits
>RELIEF
>Tau screaming and cursing in girlish sounds while Magos is cutting Tau from escape pod
>HORUSHERESYIMMINENT.MUSTSTAYPURE
>Magos pulls electric claws when demanding for Tau Mecha
>mfw shock therapy is to be administered
>mfw the Tau spots me and doesn’t give a shit looking at me or the torture
>badfeels.yougottadeal.warislikethis
>HUGE EXPLOSION outside of base
>tau is scared like me
>tau thinks that we have serious firepower and says will surrender if that was ours
>I start to say something because I feel genuinely feel like sharing things today
>Magos interrupts and says it’s ours
>WAT
>Magos is clearly lying when saying it’s the drop of 4 simultaneous landing Astartes pods
>tau surrenders her name as Gate Keeper Ray’aa
>I think that’s her cute name
>cute as Xeno can be
>Female recruiter comes in stating she needs Magos help
>A GIANT MECHA HAS DESCENDED ON ALL OF US
>Magos is peeved

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>>63539613
>>63546573
>>63545576

>Be Disguised Ork Blood Axe Kommando 'Commissar Bax'
>Standing on now reclaimed Baneblade
>Well, mostly reclaimed Baneblade
>My fellow greenskins managed to steal the floor from the tank's bottom level and sled away from the rampaging Eversor
>ZoggingDeffskullsstealtheweirdestthings.greenskin
>Have fresh tank crew trying to get the Baneblade up and running
>Now to deal with the General
>Imayactuallygettoblamsomeone.commissarialyey
>Hear loud teleporting noise
>Turn and see...
>"Wot."
>That is DEFINITELY not a normal blueberry dread
>Well, the Baneblade's guns are working at least
>Grab General by scruff of neck and drag him on top of tank
>"OI YOU LAZY MUPPETS! QUIT MUCKIN' ABOUT IN THE ENGINE ROOM AN' OPEN FIRE ON DAT XENOS MECHA!"
>See Astartes drop pods falling in the distance
>Ohzog.ork
>These guys probably aren't idiots.
>This disguise lasted a lot longer than it should have anyway
>Pull out huge-ass cigar general's coat pocket, light it, and have a good smoke while I stand on top of the Baneblade with General Kragg tucked under one arm as the tank starts firing its gargant-killer weapons at the giant tinboy thing in the distance
>Maybe I'll get lucky and the Beakies will get killed by friendly fire.
>Reallywishthisuniformwasbluerightnow.blueislukiestcolor

>>63548091
I think so? Didn't he get saved by 'Commissar Bax' sicking the mad slavs-er, hardbass-loving Valhallans on the Khorne berserkers before getting dragged to safety. Probably got trampled to a pulp under their feet now that I think about it.

>>63548269
>>63548024
>>63548160
>I walk the Magos to where we can see the GIANT MECHA
>GIANT MECHA IS SOOOO TAAALLLLL
>SILVER BOI HAS LASER CANNONS LARGER THAN MY BIKE
>my bike
>EXPLOSIVEPEWPEWSOUNDS.MERCY
>Magos is still processing this when the catman comes in a hurry
>states we more likely lost half of our troops from the shooting and the half is hiding in trenches or local shelter
>FUCK
>female recruiter is asking Magos how to take down the SILVER BOY when the gate opens
>it’s the blue Eversor Assassin
>oh wait...that’s blood
>he holds out a radio
>crackles to life despite blue blood
>”Clear area from drop zone any Xeno scum who hears”
>we hear cannon booms from somewhere
>”Drop craft has successfully landed. Requesting local Imperial leadership for debrief.”
>Wat
>female recruiter jumps in stating her name, rank, regiment, as acting local leadership
>she was a junior?
>”Understood Junior Commisar. We observed a large Xenos mech firing on suspected Tau base grounds. What actions do you ask of us to take?”
>get the fuck over here she says
>”Understood. 2 heavy assault squads en route to your location. Arrival in 10 minutes.”
>blue boy states that the tau base is neutralized
>we stare
>”...Rescind that order you two. Commissar what forces do you request?”
>we hear a baneblade cannon roar and round impact
>blue boy leaps and climbs building, hangs for a sec, then gracefully lands
>he confirms it’s the Commissar’s baneblade because he’s standing on it with a man at his hip
>Female recruiter pleads that a support squad is sent to support a baneblade’s position
>...Baneblade sighted. Sending 2 anti-armor and 2 regular squads to positions within 300 meter range of Baneblade to support.”
>”What forces do you request to your position?”
>magos steps in and states he needs at least 2 tech marines and any kind of heavy ordinance tech
>’strategic closeness to Xenos mech’
>”...Commissar do you confirm?”
>she agrees
>ask for bike

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>>63548303
Yeah, knowing how excited Valhallans get on vodka and Hardbass, they probably just ripped to shreds along with the khorne bois. Might of been a mistake, might of been because he was a pussy

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>>63545479
>Be Ratling sniper
>Trying to stay calm and act like those crazy tall legs pointing flamers at me is the dullest thing ever
>Can feel the sweat starting to roll down my face though
>I don't want to end up as a ratling barbeque
>At least they have given me a chance to explain myself
>Turn up Ratling sex appeal up to elven and roll onto to my belly, flex my carves and give that cutey with the one robotic ey a wink
>"Well beautiful tall legs, since you asked nicely. I was taking care of the snotling problem in your vents.
>not sure what half the shit is coming out of my mouth is, but I am rolling with it
>"you would be surprised how many were up there up there...yep."
>Roll onto my side and flex my hairy biceaps
>"Yeah,been sorting through those filthy xeno nippers for couple days now....not even tired. nope I can go....ALL Day if I have too"
>Not sure if that hotty one eyed crazy tall legs is blushing of embarrassment or she is digging the Ratling
>"Oh. Not to mention, Saw this gaurdmen sneak in through the window. I was tracking him down. Bloody perv was spying on your lovely ladies while you were showering"
>Eyes accidently shift towards the flamer holding tall legs chest, Oh emperor, will look at the size of them!?
>Not to mention firm and..
>Crap! shift my eyes bac up to meet hers, hope she didn;t notice I was gawking at her perfect rack
>"Can;t believe what the imperium has come to lately, bloody disgusting I tell you! Who would ever do such a repulsive and..."
>Flex my hips, try to make my bulge stick out
>"...Depraved thing to such....wonderful tall legs"
>The gorgeous cyber eyed sister is giggle...if only the imperium would let me hit that
>Not sure if the Crazy tall legs with the flame thrower is buying
>Quickly scan the room, pot a near by body pillow with a picture of a black Templar space mahrin on it
>If she is going to pull the trigger, that is the first thing I am grabbing.
>I know for a fact she won't burn me if I have that

>>63549865
Smooth
Real smooth.

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>>63549865
On one hand...potential threat to purity of Sororita genomes....on the there hand....Ratling played that like a smooth mother fucker

>>63545576
>>63544609
>>63546573
>Be Felinid Private Schrodinger
>AmIlivinginapornoslaterightnow?.guardsman
>Seriously, what kind of Commissar openly makes out with, offers head to, and then nips the ear of an officer in front of the regular guardsmen?!
>Not to mention moaning like a horny slut
>Damn Lieutenant gets all the fun
>Commissar yells at us to go kill all the blue xenos!
>she offers to be the servant any felinid women who catches the xeno leader
>Youfoolwhatareyoudoing.voxcast
>I think whatever's going on with this Commissar's fried her brain, because I have never seen the women in my regiment leering like they are
>Oh well
>Atleastshesnottheblammingtype.silverlining
>Run after Commissar and Lieutenant as we storm the Tau base
>Give her ass a quick smack just because I can as she bends over to pull a wooden shard out of some human guardsman's ass
>Mightgetblammedbuttotallyworthit.pervycatboy
>Hear teleportation sound
>Ears twitch.
>Turn around
>Ears flatten against helmet in sheer terror
>THAT THING IS DEFINITELY NOT COVERED BY THE GUARDSMAN'S UPLIFTING PRIMER!

>>63549865
For some reason I keep imagining this Ratling being voiced by William Shatner, and I don't know why...

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>>63546573
>Be Eversor Assassin
>Just finish slaughter ever Tau and wrecking every Tau MechSuit I've seen in front of me
>Before I start to die of boredom I hear something teleporting
>I go to investigate the sound and see this thing
>Fuck yes a new fight
>Runs and drop kick hard it to the floor to initiate a fight
WWWRRRRRRYYYY!!
>Translation: Fight me bitch!

Accross the planet, a loud and sinister voice is emmerging...

>OI ADBOSS GRUMMORG RISHTEEF HERE! YA EVA WONDA WHY YOU'ZE A STUPID GROT WHO CUDN'T GET A PROPPA FIGHT?
>DAZ BECUZ YOU'ZE NOT USIN' THE CHOPPA RISHTEEF 4 LOTZ-A-KILL!
>DAZ RIGHT! YER CHOPPA IZ GUD ENUFF FOR SUM DIGGANOBZ, BUT A REAL ORK NEEDS A REAL CHOPPA LIKE DIS WUN!
>IZ THE BESTEST CHOPPA YA'LL EVA HAV! IZ ALSO DA KILLYEST WITH ALL DA SPIKEY BITZ AND WIT ITZ SNAZZY SCRAP YA'LL LOOK LIKE THE FLASHYEST BOI AROUND!
>ONLY FOR WUN TRUCKLOAD FULL OF TEEFS!
>BUT WAIT DERZ MOOOOOOOAAAAAAR!
>IF YA ORDA IN LESS DAN A DAY, YA'LL GET NOT WUN, NOT TOO, NOT EVEN FREE, BUT FORR CHOPPA RISHTEEF 4-LOTZ-KILL!
>BUT I'M NOT DUN WIT YA YET YOU PONCEY RUN!
>FOR TOO PAYMENTZ, YA'LL GET SHOOTAS STITCH TO YER CHOPPAS, MAKIN' YA THE URTYEST BOI IN DA WARBAND!
>ORDA NOW YOU STOOPID GIT!

>PLACE YER ORDA ON ME SHPAYSHSHIP DA "TEEFFERRY"!

>HAV A GUD WAAAAAAAGH!

>>63545576
>>63546573
>>63550370
>>63548024

>Be Felinid Lieutenant Liono
>By the emperor the Commissar's nibbling on my ears
>God-Emperorpreservemefromhereticalthoughts.sensitiveears
>Tempted to try and pull whatever's inside her out now so she doesn't end up a liability, but also don't want to end up getting blammed or be a casualty of friendly fire
>Better get those 9 tau heads first before any of the other boys
>strictly to keep the Commissar's purity and decency of course
>its not like I want to keep her all to myself or anything
>Nope, my actions are completely justified in the eyes of the Emperor I swear
>Realize I didn't even get her name yet
>Don't have time to ask, have tau to behead and kill
>Charge into Tau base and get to work on collecting those heads
>Leave a few minutes later with five Tau heads already just in time to see Private Schrodinger smack the Commissar in the ass
>Doyouwanttogetblammdkid?.vox
>Hear teleportation sound and stick head out of base to see it getting bombarded by giant metal robot.
>Grab Commissar Svenja and Private Schrodinger and drag them back into the bunker as I spot Astartes drop pods falling from sky
>"I think we should let them handle that one Commissar. That thing seems a bit out of our league."