>>61779349
>Tfw no yandere deldar waifu

>>61779378
>tfw you have to get out the bolt pistol in the second post

>>61779349
>be Captain Faya
>Drop pods land crushing several Guardsman, Eldar, Orks and i believe one may have landed on our Primaris.
>NoDeathIsInVainIntTheEmperor'sService.Preach

>be great great great grandson of some Scintillian refugees
>be in the trenches next to some sad sack who won't stop whining about wanting a normal war
>still need to find more beer for the roof party

>be farseer
>Just want coffee before I get so miffed that khorne starts to notice
>>61779315
No, because I still have quite a burning hatred of chaos for wrecking my first home
>>61779327
Urgh... thirty lashes for the one who deafened an ally, bring the guardsman in, I can use psyonics or some shit to talk to him that way

>>61779341
>Be Scintillan Trooper
>Wonder if she got a grave
>Realize even if she did, it was a mass grave
>Got to remember her, who else will?
>Decide to get a statue of Saint Drusus for the portable shrine I put our wedding ring in and use to pray for her soul, she always loved the stories of him
>Realize these foreigners likely don't even know who Saint Drusus is
>Have to craft it myself when the battle is over

(This is Tzeench and his daemons going to get some shut eye, seeya till)

>Be harlequin
>Purposefully sit on the medical lap
>Can feel him down there
>Laugh
>Hear a distant [BAZINGA] off in the distance
>LaughingGodPleased.laugh
>Look the Tau in the eye and shift ass around
>If the nerd dies today it'll be his luckiest day ever

>>61779396
>be me, conscript
>first day of service, just got out of the chimera I was trapped in
>Someone says the spacemarines are coming
>ye.vox
>I see shadows cover me and look up, expecting to see the sides of them so I can know who to thank later
>instead when I look up I see a swarm of drop pods making the shape of a terminator t-posing
>my last thoughts are
>ligma

>>61779349
>>Pretty sure she said something about being a husbando
go on...

>>61779407
>be Captain Faya
>be hearing something about REFUGEES

Damn there have been a lot of these lately, dafuck is up with all the shitty greentext not!quests.

>>61779445
Because FUCK YOU

>>61779349
>The blood & astartes acid spit tingle with Warp fire
>LT Primaris burns
>It doesn't kill, only hurts
> feel strength coursing through you
>find yourself able to easily pick up the Chimera & spit acid on it enough to dissolve it's functionality
>Khorne honors your tribute, & grants several gifts

>>61779396
>be Primaris Lieutenant
>see drop pod knock the chimaera out of the captain's hands seconds after I fall off - er, out of it
>I think things might finally be looking up for me!

>>61779425
>Urgh... thirty lashes
Just ask deldar to lend you a ball gag an give it to guardsman and tell him to use it one her next time. She couldn't help herself.

>>61779440
>be great great great grandson
>feel an ominous wind blow across the back of my neck

>>61779349
>Be Drukhari wych
>I have him
>My husbando
>Mine all mine
>An Incubus tries to move him
>You fucking fag
>Pimp slap him
>"What the fuck?!"
"THIS IS MY HUSBANDO AND I WKNT LET GAY TRAPS LIKE YOU TOUCH HIM!!"
>Realize what I just said
>Make the incubus's head pop
"Oh no! One of the mon'keigh got him! Better just take my slave back to my ship now!"
>Smooth

>>61779459
Yes.

You may leave now, if you wish.

>>61779461
>Be Captain Faya
>Look down upon LT
>he is armor is dented, broken, and covered in blood.
>i believe he broke his face
>LooksGoodToMe.Apothecarion
>Can you hold your Bloter, Brother?

>Be Medic
>THICC Clown just sat on my lap
>Aw hell, she knows...
>Now she's shifting around
>My body has betrayed me, but damn if her laugh isn't hot
Why me?

>>61779459
Not exclusive to that.

>>61779477
>be incubus
>get head popped off by that crazy bitch with the anxiety disorder
>I was just looking for more beer, goddamnit
>can't wait to get rezz'd in Commoragh, I'm gonna tell all the wyches about this shit

>>61779514
She will never live this down will she

>>61779523
It's Warp Fuckery, I ain't gotta explain shit!

>>61779523
Harlequins go against logic. Most eldar are sticc, but clown elfs are thicc

>>61779466
>She couldn't help herself
Then she is possessed by Slaanesh and needs to be purged as a heretic. If not she's a dumbass who doesn't know that silencing a guardsman is potentially deadly if he's unable to take orders, and an appropriate punishment is in order

And I'm being lenient here, we both know what happens if a commisar finds out what happened

>>61779507
>LT unnamed Primaris
>Captain asks me if I can hold my bolter
>look down at my hand, notice that the grip of my bolter has been crushed between the fingers of my gauntlet due to repeated impacts
>"We'll call it holding."

>>61779530
Hey, she can always just stick the Incubus armor on and change her name.

>>61779561
It was a joke you stick in the daemons skull

>>61779562
>Captain Faya
>"Good, it's time you earn yourself a name in the Chapter"

>>61779508
>Be Scintillan trooper
>Give a murderous glare at the medic for dereliction of duty and falling to the temptations of the xenos
>Return to firing potshots at hostiles, which seem to be increasingly few in number, having fled or gone to rest for some reason
>Why couldn't this have been a normal war, Emperor?

>>61779523
They are thicc in the right places.
>>61779530
>implying other wyches won't get jelous and won't go on a raid for husbandos.
>>61779552
>and needs to be purged as a heretic.
Something is not right... Have you been dallying with commissar lately?

>>61779450

What an intelligent response anon. You really showed me didn't you?

>>61779552
I don't think talking to the woman who...pleases herself with weapons and also enjoys killing non mon'keigh is a good idea.

>>61779611
he really did
you dang gone got deaded

>>61779611
It's 3:30 AM and I haven't slept in 27 hours, cut me some slack.

>>61779597
>be great great grandson of some Scintillian refugee
>the old nutter next to me is still babbling about wanting a normal war
>pass him my flask of rotgut, tell him to take a draft - it'll put some chest on your chest

>>61779616
Says the retard complaining about thicc Eldar in Waifuquest: Cold Shoulder edition. Go be a miserable stick in the mud somewhere else.

>>61779612
Exactly, so I'll sort them out without a need for a BLAMing

>>61779606
No, but I've been studying how a commisar discerns what's good and bad for a squad to improve relations with the mon'keigh. It involves a lot of shooting, so I'm probably going to have to bend the rules a bit

>>61779588
>"Lead the way, Captain."

>>61779597
>Be harlequin
>Get slightly bored
>Grab medic by his collar and drag him to a private area
>Private being used loosely due to the fuckery happening
>Flip off the mon'keigh glaring at him
>Time to take this nerd to the wraithbone zone

>>61779653
After you, friendo.

>>61779688
There's shitloads of other threads, go to one of them instead of acting like a petulant child.

>>61779688
You're really wasting your time in this thread, then. Try one of the 149 others out instead.

>>61779688
The why are you on this thread?

>>61779713
Guys, stop feeding him.

>>61779672
>Be Medic
>THICC-clown wants to take me somewhere
>Not sure what she said, but the honking sounded... seductive...
>The things I do for peace...

>>61779640
>Be Scintillan trooper
>Look suspiciously at the oddly familiar-looking lad
>Looks a bit like his son who went missing before the war
>Pondering about it, takes a swig of rotgut, despite the odd remark about "chest on chest"
>>61779672
>>61779762
>Ignores the Xeno, lamenting only that it had to be a medic that was seduced
>there are never enough competent medics

>be tired farseer
>bring guardsman in for questioning
>"So about this ban-"
>"WHAT?"
>Khain damnit...
>"The banshee that--"
>"WHAT?"
>"Would it be better if I wrote this dow--"
>"WHAT?"
>Emperor give me strength, he's so deaf
>"SORRY, I CAN'T HEAR YOU.......WHAT?"
>Still haven't gotten a coffee

>>61779773
>be oddly familiar-looking lad
>wonder how long it'll take the transfer to get used to my penal regiment's toilet wine

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>>61779793
To be fair, the good posters are asleep

>>61779793
shit, he's got us
everyone run

>>61779530
She will introduce everyone to new methods of torturing husb- I mean slaves. Like hand holding and cuddling.

>>61779807
I'm the Lieutenant, Sergeant & whiny guardsman's descendant and dead wife. I think I'm clocking out for the night, too.

>>61779791
Here's your coffee farseer

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>>61779891
>Receive coffee
>mfw guard delivers
>Thanktheemperorandkhaine.warp
>Take a sip
>No sugar or milk
>Damn it
>Oh well, suck it up and drink, shit's still good
>Dismiss him while I continue questioning
>"WHAT?"
>I needed that coffee for work

>be me ,a intern on scientific investigation installation on nameless system
>as result of the reforms on the imperium a new scientific branch had been born
>the deal was simple mechanicus manage industry,we manage investigation and mutually collaborate
>and by simple i mean borderline civil war diplomatic negotiations (lot of death,a few exterminatus,several purges on factions etc)
>anyway we are making a major breakthrough on FTL communication methods that doesn't rely on the warp with the tau and eldar collaboration
>in a nutshell we use quantum state (things can have severy energy state at the same time because at subatomic scale they are unstable,allowing them be on several places,having several data at the same time etc) to ''teleport'' encoded data from a experimental transmitter to a equally experimental receiver
>my staff leader and some mechanicus member take all the theoretical data,and the blueprints design on a new STC pattern
>this would allow us to fix the fucking nightmarish hell that is the imperial logistics,and even create FTL travel methods based on the theoretical data
>tfw my only real work was heating the recaf and programming the experimental transmitter
>suddenly dark eldars
>fuckexplosions.emperor
>chief staff death,i take the new STC to protect it
>fucking hate this job

>>61780004
What happens next?

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>Be Krieger
>Regiment informed that xenos will be joining regiment by order of administratum
>Nearly execute messenger for speaking vile heretical lies
>He has the proper papers to prove it
>Our faces when
>It has the emperor's seal
>Consign ourselves to bayonett charging the next large enemy force for daring question an order from the Emperor
>We were going to anyways, but still
>Xenos arrive
>Tau attempting to preach about their heretical Greater Good
>Eldar harlequins disrupting camp by stealing gas masks and laughing
>Entire regiment has taken to loudly chanting litanies in an attempt to stay calm
>Decide enough is enough
>Dig trenches and build fortifications around Krieg section of camp
>Place large signs around fortifications stating "No Xenos Allowed"
>This has only encouraged the harlequins
>EmperorGrantUsPatience.diefortheemperor

>>61780097

>>61780097

>be me armentho the intern of the cognitionis enclave (scientific organization name) hiding and runing meanwhile everything is going to shit around me
>the dark eldars are attacking this place as a slave hunting,but if they knew about this FTL communication STC,the lives of the tau,eldars and human will be a stake
>dark eldar and malevolent astartes look at me tfw i feel more sure with the dark eldars than the malevolents that would purge for working with xenos
>chaos spawn of slaneesh is runing at me
>poopinpants.warp

>>61780201

>run on direction to krieg fortification
>''I HAVE A RELIC OF THE EMPEROR,PROTECT ME''
>is kinda true ,is kinda lie,is a important tech piece for the imperium,but it wasn't created by the emperor
>againdaydreamingfuckingidiot.imperialcitizen
>hope their fanaticism make them protect me

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bump with the glorious imperial navy

r e v i v e

>Be a recently-minted Commissar
>Sent to some bumfuck planet somewhere, apparently the last Commissar blammed himself for some reason
>Get to the planet, it's already clearly under assault by Tau, Eldar, and Dark Eldar
>I even think I see a few clowns?
>Get out of the lander, bolt pistol at the ready
>AW YISS, GONNA GET ME BLAM ON
>Things... do not go as planned
>There's a bunch of Kriegers trying desperately to fend off a bunch of clowns honking seductively at them
>Didn't know honking could BE seductive, but here we are
>Point my bolt pistol at THAT hot mess, then notice a DEldar witch of some kind dragging around a guardsman muttering something about "husbandos"
>Release that guardsman you xeno thot...
>Troopers drinking while locked in combat with the xeno enemy
>Dammit, you're just asking for a blam...
>Realize that the Tau apparently only sent females
>WHY did the Tau only send females?
>And since when did their females have breasts, I thought they were supposed to be like lizard people or something?
>This was NOT on the curriculum at schola
>Some space elf clown is grinding on the unit's medic and laughing like a mad... woman? Mad man?
>It's so hard to tell with the helmet
>Count the number of rounds in my bolt pistol
>The answer is "not nearly enough"
>Passing harlequin hands me a glass of amasec and tells me I should relax, "for my own sanity"
>Then she boops me on the nose
>This was NOT on the curriculum at schola
>I don't even know how to write the report on this

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bump

>>61780696
>New Commissar turns up a few days ago
>Clean hat and everything
>Obviously can't even decide what to shoot
>Shadowseer boops him on the nose
>One week later, new Commissar looks like he hasn't slept since he arrived
>Shadowseer keeps following him around
>He seems to have resigned himself to the situation

>back for lunch irl
>Decide to investigate commisar problems
>Perhaps if I asked her the situation of things I could sort them out
>Knock because I'm not a bitch
>No answer
>Peak in
>She's loading several shots into her bolt pistol
>Glares at me
>Awkward.isha
>Just say that I'm with the emperor on this one, shit is very confusing for me too
>Probably slaanesh shit going on
>Ask if she needs a hand with that bolter

>>61780268

>be me armentho
>hiding on the trenchs
>i shaking,the orkz and malevolents are killing each other with the DEldar

>Be Commissar bitch pants McCrabby
>New Commissar comes
>Good
>He looks a little green but whatever
>Planet went to shit and you're tkaing all the help you can get
>Maybe you can get your chainsword grip cleaned off with some free time

>>61779923
Farseer one of the harlequins is currently laying with a mon'keigh, this one gave consent though!...we think. I'm not to sure about anything involving harlequins

>>61779762
>Be harlequin
>Be satisfied greatly from the wraithboning
>Give the medic a good job kiss and go to mess with and kill orks and Drukhari
>Being a harlequin I great!

>>61781777
>Being a harlequin is great!

>Be Leman Russ tank guardsman
>Pretty sure the tank ran out of fuel
>Don't care
>Goes down hill
>Anything in my way is now gorey paste
>Eventually stop moving
>Ork Boyz surround tank
>Fuck

>>61782205

fast tell the ork there is dakka on the other side and run of the oposite direction

>Second week on the job
>The mirror-masked harlequin basically moved into my tent, which explains the lack of sleep
>After a week waiting for her to try something devious in the middle of the night she still hasn't tried to kill me
>I'm almost insulted, actually
>Accidentally got a good night's sleep last night in spite of myself
>One other Commissar on this planet, she's kind of a bitch but that IS basically half her job
>I'm pretty sure she told most of the squads to file their reports with me instead to give herself some free time
>Got a contact report from one of the Sergeants today, got excited at the thought of an actual fight
>Turns out they just taken to using the "contact report" forms for Dark Eldar-related sexual harassment
>Crumpled up the stack of nonsense reports, threw them in the bin, and shot it with my bolt pistol
>Mirror-masked harlequin still acts like this whole mess is the funniest thing she's ever seen
>Still won't stop booping my nose when I get hacked off
>Emperor protect me I think it actually helps calm me down

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>Be Ork Freeboota Kaptin Gitsmasha
>On bridge of Killkrooza Beakiesmasha as it starts dritfing down toward the surface while 'wearing' the Marine's Malevolent's ship like it's a giant ship-sized stretchy thing humies put over their 'urty bitz'.
>Beakies have set their warp drive to self-destruct to try and blow up my ship
>Beakies are fleeing down to the surface and takin' all the drop pods before the boyz can get to them
>Clevahbeakies.glyph
>Grot on the bridge is screaming that the beakie's warp-core is only minutes away from blowing up
>Beakiesmasha can't 'back up' that fast.
>Well if it can't back up fast enough...
>TouchedbyMork.ork
>Smack both of "Da Big Red" buttons and grab hold of the console as the afterburnas kick in again
>Instead of going backward, Beakiesmasha rams forward, bursting out of the other side of the beakie's ship, leaving their soon-to-be exploding warp drive in the dust, blasting its gunz in all direction
>AndDatzWhyIzDaKaptin.boss
>Another Ork Madboy on the bridge yells that we're now in the planet's atmosphere and the planet's gravity is dragging our ship down at an accelerated rate.
>IzAKaptinAhDunSpeakMekTalk.greenskin
>"WE'Z GUNNA CRASH INTA DA GROUND BOSS!!!"
>Huh. That wasn't supposed to happen.
>Grab voxspeaker and start bellowing orders
>"Roight boyz! Get to da drop pods! We gotz blueberries down there to krump! WAAAAAAAAAGH!!!"

>>61782577

>be me armentho hiding on trench
>a ork ship is failing to pieces and self destructing
>the ork equivalent of pods (a scrap box) are failing over the camp
>some orkz use parachutes,other just free fall on earth crushing anything on their way and sometimes getting killed
>this is the terrifiying kind of awesome i wasnt prepared to see

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>>61780696
>be female(female) commissar
>where the fuck am i
>turns out going into a warp infested ship with a pskyer was a bad idea
>now my jacket is ruined
>find me a tactically placed hill
>emperorprotectme.png
>everything's gone to shit
>wait
>is that a new comissar
>those fucking pencil pushers at the adminstratum are trying to replace me!
>ME!
>time to give those assholes a piece of my mind

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>Be Abbadon
>Get ready for continuing 13th Black Crusade
>Suddenly see one of my cultists crying as he yells that he has message for me
>Who the fuck dares to send message for my through the Imperial systems
>Probably one of these wannable noble cultists
>See the message
>http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/45773792/
>What in the fucking shit
>What the fuck Leman
>Send response together with my crew
>It has to be sign from Chaos Gods
>Suddenly hear report about planet where Orcs, Eldars and Empire gathers
>I fucking knew it

>Be a not-so-new Commissar
>My men are beset on all sides by temptation that they cannot fight
>Literally, as in they're not allowed to shoot them
>Learned yesterday that my fellow Commissar thinks I'm here to replace her, she won't even talk to me anymore
>A xenos witch won't stop booping my nose
>The Astartes are just sitting around bitching about some Primarch and his "waifu"
>This is... without doubt... the shittiest campaign ever
>Suddenly get a report
>Orks falling from orbit
>Chaos Marines mobilizing and heading for this sector
>And I'm stuck on this planet
>With Kriegers and tanks in prepared and extensively tested defensive positions
>Tested by thirsty xenos women sure, but damn did they ever TEST them
>About twelve months worth of surplus munitions the Administratum sent us because they thought there was an actual WAR here
>And contingents of thirsty xenos women who have been trying desperately to impress the Guardsmen contingent
>Almost as many jetbikes and battlesuits on this dirtball as Russes and Chimeras
>Search frantically for my bolt pistol
>The Shadowseer has it
>I can see my own joy reflected in her mirrored mask
>Time to get our fuck on

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>>61783268
>Be female commissar
>Apparently the assholes at the administratum thought i was dead
>youfuckingwish.png
>After bullying them a little more i get out to see how the new guy's doing
>Those trenches aren't half bad
>Look around some more
>The new guy got his gun stolen by a fucking xeno
>I'm about to laugh my ass off when i see a gleam in his eyes
>The gleam of a xeno hating, emperor loving man
>Finally somebody decent
>Might as well help him out

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>>61779523
>Eldar can't be thick.
>>61779542
>It's Warp Fuckery, I ain't gotta explain shit!
Well technically it is canon...

>>61779640
>>chest on your chest
>>61779773
>>"chest on chest"
...This wouldn't happen to be "Talent" increasing Rotgut, would it?
>BOING.mp4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VlXy2xjyGO4

>>61780696
>>WHY did the Tau only send females?
>No, the question is why did everyone else send MALES!

>>61782205
>>Pretty sure the tank ran out of fuel
>>Ork Boyz surround tank
>Become a Pillbox.Daskal

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>Be Battle Sister Nadia of the Vermillion Warrior
>Stuck on Imperial Naval Frigate 'The Imperium's Bosom as its rocketing toward a planet hosting human and xenos 'peace talks'
>All of our busts are now huge because of what several battle sisters (and even couple hospitaliers) are claiming it must be 'the emperor's blessing'
>whataloadofgroxshit.voxpict
>Those bitches are just happy they're not flat anymore.
>I swear to Holy Terra if this somehow affects my combat ability I'm going to hunt down whatever perverted heretic caused this and slow roast them with my flamer.
>Heresysensestingling.faith

>be me
>Interrogator of the inquisitor in charge of this whole 'experiment'
>also a psyker
>Rush out of my quarters wondering what is all this racket!
>realize what a clusterfuck everything is
>proceed to contact inquisitor
>tells me to bugger off and bother him with something important next time
>"Oh by the way there may or may not be a daemonic invasion led by abaddon coming your way"
>Wut.jpg

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>be kill-team watch captain
>still in trenches
>observing the carnage happening beyond
>oddly satisfying watching dark eldar and daemons rip each other apart
>taking shots at the two with my bolter. They seem too distracted to notice when a hole randomly explodes threw one of them
>see t'au firewarrior trying to do the same with his oh-so-much-more-advanced plasma rifle
>failing horribly as his shots keep going wide
>think about saying to just believe in your greater good right?
>I snicker to myself instead
>our tech-marine is off doing "admech" things
>the assault marine (aka the fenrisian) seems content at attempting to hone his reflexes...
>by chasing one of the warp spiders and trying to grab them before they teleport away
>so far he has not succeeded... though I wonder what he'll do when he catches one
>the apothecary is helping to tending to the wounded Marines Malevolent
>don't really think those asshole deserve it but I guess it helps hone his triage skills
>and the devastator is firing rounds over everyone's heads in the trenches shouting "Get Some"
>everything is still so surreal
>daemonic mammary enhancements
>humans and xenos living together
>mass hysteria
>is_this_real_life.heresy
>The Lord Commander has done much during the time since his reanimation
>and its nothing I like
>still wondering if we're going to be replaced by those new Primaris marines eventually
>only one thing makes sense to me anymore that I can find solace in...
>and that's the orks currently falling from the sky with or without drop pods
>everything seems so much simpler when you have a target to eliminate
>feels like old times

>>61782844
>Be cogboy
>Shooting at everything didn't seem to work too well
>It's one of those weeks I guess
>Orks now dropping from the sky in metal boxes
>That's why the Omnissiah made melta
>Accidentally step on the back end of a Lemon Russ tank, while getting close enough to melta the orks
>Shitshitshit my overseer is gonna kill me if he finds out
>Rub unguent on forehead to calm down
>See (female) commissar return to the field
>Desperately text to speech over the laud hailer
>Between my too fast fingers & deteriorating nerve try to say "Help, I'm fucked" & "Orders, Sir?"
>"I'M ORDERED TO HELP FUCK!" Comes out instead
>Apply more grease to my forehead to calm down

>still a farseer
>Hear that the presence of orks is expected
>Finally, some combat to distract everyone from the debachery
>Tell my troops to ready for battle
>And don't shoot the mon'keigh, they're still on our side
>By the time we prep ourselves chaos arrives
>A primarch is on his way
Wat
>Do a little digging in
>Slaanesh is behind some of this bullshit
>Of course that soul sucker would
>Rush to grab my armour and weapons for some good old fashioned purging
>Canteen detonates beside me
>Canteen was the only source of coffee around here
>No more coffee
>Become unfathomably major league pants shittingly fuck ass mad
>Pretty sure khorne felt that
>Good, he's about to feel a whole lot of something else

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>Be Interrogator
>Freaking out
>Daemons and orks are now everywhere
>See eldar farseer
>She seems extremely irritated
>No one else remotly competant is around
>"Well, its worth a shot"
>Proceed to approahch an angry farseer in order to find a solution to all this
Wish me luck lads

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>>61783797
>Be comissar (female)
>Go to the mechanicus HQ to tell them to release everything
>One of them is freaking the fuck out
>How can something smell so fucking oliy
>While i'm wondering what happened to the Leman Russ the grease goblin spouts in a monotone voice
>>"I'M ORDERED TO HELP FUCK!"
>"I..think you missed a comma there"
>I hope he did
>"Anyways, turn on all the artillery"
>"We got a war to win"
>"Also never speak like that to me ever again"

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>>61783797
>>61784035

>Be Ork Stormboy Eadrukk
>jumped out of crashing killkrooza after Ork metal drop boxes were launched
>flying down from orbit on mah rokkit pack
>Hear a big cogboy kan blurt out "I'M ORDER TO HELP FUCK!" at max volume
>humies.wot
>fly over humie girlie with pointy hat, heading towards what looks like a blueberry building
>ItzWAAAGH!!!ti-
>crash headfirst through wall, lay there dazed for a moment while my rokkit shuts off
>Hear a bunch of tau girlies screaming in the background
>Who da zog were we hired to guard again?!

>>61783990
>See mon'keigh in a stupid coat approach
>Resist urge to BLAM, he's not the cause
>Compose myself temporarily
>"What are you looking for, if you want an army, I'm here to purge in the name of the emperor and for revenge against Slaanesh...also to avenge coffee"
>Fuck I'm still mad about that
>No matter, I ask if there's any imperial forces on their way
>Also, try to buck up the clowns so they can do their job. And the rest of the troops
>Fucking slaanesh
>Need coffee
>Fuck

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>>61784060
>Be comissar
>A FUCKING ORK JUST FLEW OVER ME
>It breaks the wall of the tau embassy
>All of the fucking tau woman start screaming
>Heresy
>Heresy all around me
>"WELP, TIME TO DO MY FUCKING JOB"
>"AND YOU ENGINSEER"
>"I WANT THIS TANKS UP AND RUNNING AS SOON AS I COME BACK"
>"OR ELSE"
>Finally, i can enjoy the best part of the job
>Xeno bloodbaths

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>be Necron Overlord
>deep beneath planet’s surface
>ZZZZZZZZZZ

>>61784318
>BLAM
Ok, something is really not right here. You should be chasing mon'keigh males by now or something, not this. What did they put in your coffee?

Hey who's archiving these threads?

>Be a Commissar
>Hear rumors that the Farseer on this planet is kicking off a one-xenos crusade to avenge a cup of coffee that got shot out of her hand
>Waitashit, they had actual COFFEE on this planet?
>Like not this recaf horse piss they've been siphoning down MY throat every morning with my eggs and toast?
>And NOBODY thought to tell me?
>Harlequin hands me a voxcaster headset
>Damn good thinking, ordering an airstrike or two on those greenskins WILL make me feel better
>Maybe this "diplomacy" thing isn't so bad after all

>Be Herald of Tzeench
>Mind got fried a bit by a surge of WAAAGH energy
>At least that Bloodletter image is out
>See that the ship has crashed into another ship
>Can hardly think rational thoughts, WAAAGH energy is still lingering about
>Still have a headache
>Tzeench help me

>>61784449
I don't know what they put in the god damn coffee, all I know is it keeps me from going ballistic. As for chasing mon'keigh males, what do I look like, a chimp fucker? I'm trying to STOP the lewd acts
It's not working, and I think it's about to bite my troops in the ass

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>>61784318
>Be Interrogator
>The Eldar appear to have composed herself... good sign
>She asks about wether imperial forces are on their way
>I tell of my status as an interrogator
>Inform her that there is no such imperial battlion on their way
>She keeps screaming about coffee and hating slannesh
>Realise i can leverage this
>Propositions her
>"so if i get you some coffee, Would you help me in a ritual to banish the daemons"
>All while attempting to maintain composure despite freaking the fuck out over everything going to hell

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>>61783690
>>I swear to Holy Terra if this somehow affects my combat ability I'm going to hunt down whatever perverted heretic caused this and slow roast them with my flamer.
Well that is kind of the point of Mammary Maximus; Making your opponents tits so big they can't even reach around them let alone move.
Of course will all this colliding warp fuckery, I can't be sure what the effects are going to be, but I'd be more than willing to help out a warrior maiden of purity to control them!

>>61783854
>>Canteen detonates beside me
>>Canteen was the only source of coffee around here
>WHAT KIND OF MONSTER BLOWS UP THE CANTEEN!

> be Ogryn Bone'ead Golb
> kill random nearby Eldar
> gold is good boy
> Comissur scremin?
> Golb not good boy?
> Golb now sad
:<

>Be Leman Russ tank guardsman
>get out of the tank
>Start tossing grenades
>Run out
>Start firing wildly into the green tide
>Run out of ammo
>Fuck it
>Pull out knife that may as well be a tooth pick to the greenskins
>ReadyToDie.Loyalist
"FOR THE EMPEROR!!"
>Metal boxes fall from the fucking sky and crush the orks around me
>The boxes were full of snotlings
>Oh

>>61784770
>Me Urg
>Pick up grey pointy ear
>Go to golb
"Golb! Pet soft hair!"
>Give him grey pointy ear
>Pick up tiny green pointy ear
>Hug
>Crunch
>It broken
>Pick up another one
>Crunch

>>61784829
Em, Urg, thank Urg. Nice and soft.
> me be petting soft knifear gently
> Golb be good at petting
> at Bone'eat skool dem show yu to not break pretty things
> I hope Comissah not mad no more
> will go ask him
> maybe Comissah wants to pet "Kiniffy" too.

>>61784060
>>61784035
>Be cogboy
>Leman Russ is firmly stuck on my Armiger's foot & I cannot shake it free
>This is not an Omnissiah acceptable modification!!!
>Oil of the Omnissiah will calm me
>Apply directly to the forehead
>Apply directly to the forehead
>Apply directly to the forehead
>Force myself out of -that- subroutine
>In my distraction see orks jetpacking past
>Try the text to speech one more time
>"Yes, Sir, never order myself to fuck you Sir" followed by "Happy to comply"
>"YES SIR HAPPY TO FUCK YOU SIR"
>Machine spirits must need a textorist with all this Slaanesh fuckery going on
>Open the cockpit & shout to the Commissary to ignore the laud hailer
>Tell her that while her tits were more than adequate even before the Warp enhancement, I do not have orders to procreate, but to exterminate
>Try to chase down orks with one foot sliding on Russ treads

>>61784565
>Mon'keigh explains that if I help get rid of the chaos he'll get me coffee
>Fucking win win in my book
>"What's the ritual?" I ask him
>Starting to shake a little
>Fuck I'm coming down
>See angry commisar bolt down some orks
>Tau caught in cross fire
>Whatever, fuck those blueberries
>Wave inquisitor to my quarters so we can discuss the plan while I get into some proper war gear
>Might awaken the wraithguard while I'm at it, they've got no sex drive. Hopefully some degenerate doesn't try to fuck those undead men and women too

>>61784353
>>61784956

>be Stormboy Eadrukk
>get up and look back out the hole I just put in the blueberrie's building.
>pointy-hat girlie's yelling at humie mek to fix a tank.
>Hear sharp whistling sound
>GorkandMorkdatzannoying.glyph
>Look up and see large 'metal bawks' drop pod tumbling end over end toward the ground.
>'Ork drop pod' smashes straight down through Armiger's torso and Leman Russ directly behind the enginseer with a loud metal CRUNCH
>humiemustapaintedhimselfblue.ork
>side of the giant metal box explodes out and a cranky Big Mek bigger than a Terminator steps out
>Can see (and hear) a bunch of Meganobz still crammed inside the metal box behind him all the way from here in the blueberry building
>DisIzWhyAhUseRokkits.stormboy

>>61785052
>the elder agrees and waves me over to her chambers
>asks what it the ritual was
> I then proceed follow her to her chambers
>”so I have some good news and some bad news. I admittedly done’t actually know what the ritual is, I just know where the book that contains the ritual is.”
>” the good news is that I know exactly where that book is. The book also happens to be in the same place as the only other coffee dispenser...”
>”the bad news is that it is within my inquisitors quarters...which is located a kilometer in the sky”
Let’s have a vote on what you guys want the ritual to be!

>>61785291
Something so fucking unbelievable that both of them consider joining chaos for a second

>>61785291
Something borderline Slaaneshi. Because everything except the Orks have that tilt lately.

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>Be Tzeench
>Finally cooled off and can start focusing again
>Eye still hurts
>Fuck you Corpse God
>Check on the planet
>Things are finally going as planned
>Or at least half as planned
>No definitely just as planned
>Army is still making a stable portal on the planet
>It's getting closer and closer to completion
>Send more cultists and daemons to speed up the process
>Thingsarefinallygoingasplanned.change

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>>61785401
>>Send more cultists and daemons to speed up the process
Though Tzeentch of all Gods would realize all that muliebrous warp energy would resonate with the forms of Chaos affiliated beings...
>*Daemonic Cackling Intensifies*

>>61785360
>>61785397
Accounted for
Anyone else?

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>>61785615

>>61785662
Accounted for

>>61785662
Seconding.

>>61785759
Aight

>>61785615
They have to give each other genuinely sincere & deserved compliments. Something that would make them blush, but isn't overtly sexual (tell her she is pretty)

>>61785831
Alright

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>>61785615
I'd say Ka-girlification, but I'm guessing that's exactly what you're fighting against.

>>61785401
>Be Man Emperor
>Can feel that tzeentch is still pissy about losing to me in a game of Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth-Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker
>I only made him more pissy when I stabbed him in the eye
>Hohohohohohoho
Just as planned you bird fucker

>>61783545
>Be Scintillan Trooper
>Damn all this Slaaneshi fuckery
>I'm a man for the Emperor's sake
>Apparently not anymore, now I'm a mutant
>Little else to do but drop everything valuable to the nearest commissar and charge the nearest enemy with a rock

>>61785291
>Look at him with a little bit of confusion
>Coffee sounds good, not knowing what a ritual is isn't that good
>Fuck it, I want a damn coffee already
>Agree to his terms, going onto an imperial vessel isn't that bad for loyalists
>Luckily I'm loyal enough to shit gold
>Or just shoot psychic bolts at daemons, that works too
>Inquire if he has transport as I get into gear

>>61786019
>>61785831
>>61785759
>>61785662
>>61785397
>>61785360
>>61785291
Voting is now closed

>Be Warp
>Feel me take over me
>Good pain.png
>Tzeentch is opening a new asshole into the materium
>YouWotMate.Warp
>Not doing this shit again
>Cause his portal to backfire
>Hopefully his eyes got burnt from the back lash
>Go back to doing warp stuff

>>61783737
>be me, be Captain Fren Lee Faya of the Marines Malevolent 4th Battle Company
>as my boys descent upon the foe and start blowing the shit up without concerning themselves with such things as collateral damage or friendlies in the are
>man, it's a good thing that most of my boys are Devastators
>still waiting for Thunderhawks to deliver Whirlwinds
>finally meet with the Watch Captain
>what a cunt
>fuckers never seem to pick anybody from our chapter
>a bright idea comes to mind
>start commending Primaris LT and making up stories of his heroic actions in hopes of getting this cunt recruited by those cunts
>open private vox channel and ask Sergeant Cass Ual Tee for help with this matter

>Be Loyalist World Eater
>Everyone is fucking nuts in this legion
>Constant Pit Fighting
>Everyone drinks blood
>Latest fashion is to put nails in your head
>Whythefucknot.png
>Now headache all the time
>Jesus christ this head ache
>Some guy keeps talking to me
>Fucking hell this migrane is killing me
>Keeps speaking some shit
>Arrghh can't take it anymore
>Tear his head off
>Feel instantly better
>Not loyalist anymore

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>>61784543
>>61783737
>>61784357

>Be "Possessed" Warphead Madgob
>Tzeentch fing in my head is barely functioning now.
>BoutZogginTime.glyph
>Still stuck with this stupid accent and mustache
>Could be worse, could have a Slaanesh daemon trapped in my head
>Stagger back to bridge
>see the ship is about to crash prow-first... into a bunch of Chaos cultists as they're trying to open the Warp?
>"Oh bother."
>Ork Killkrooza rams straight down into the ground, unintentionally breaking open the Necron tombs buried deep under the surface
>"Well, that was quite the riveting experience, eh chaps? When can we do it again?"

>be me, Captain Faya
>mfw Primaris LT is still taller than me even though i'm in full suit of TDA
>feel like a midget
>NapoleonComplex.voxcast

>Be salamander
>Smaller than average Timothy keeps asking about what the hospitalier calls "puberty"
>TheFuckIsThat.Vulcan
>Get asked "Why my peepee hard" by Timothy
>What the fuck does that even mean

>>61787165
>Be Necron Lord
>Some fucking fleshy broke into tomb
>Be pissed
>Get up
"You C'tan damn kids!! GET OFF MY PROPERTY!!"
>Unleash army of those braindead fucks on these fleshy fucks
>Waking me up a hundred years too early
>Fuck

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>>61784956
>>61785189
>Be female comissar
>I swear to the God Emperor i'm going to kill this tech-priest
>He keeps spewing shit
>I'm just about to shoot him in the fucking head when he says something about my tits and warp enhanment
>Wait what
>BY THE EMPEROR'S TITANIC TANKS WHAT HAPPENED TO MY TITS
>Can this day get any fucking worse
>Wait what's that noise?
>It sounds like drop pods
>Look up
>Fucking ork drop pods
>Emperor protect me
>Pretty please

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>>61787165
>be Necron Overlord
>spyder awakens me and my surrounding lynchguard
>whatinthefuck.hyroglif
>loud commotion coming from surface, beams of sunlight shining in the tomb
>call up my command barge as monoliths and doomsday arks ascend
>I guess now is as good of a time as any

>Stare at Inquisitor for a moment
>Think he had a brain problem as I was talking because he hasn't replied
>Go to tap his head
>BOOM
>Look at finger
>Wasn't warp powers
>Look out
>Fucking orcs and fucking Necrons
>Necrons
>Rage is now boiling over
>Fuck all of this shit
>Pick up inquisitor after I gear up and rush outside, splinter cannon in the other hand
>Shoot at anything that doesn't look like a mon'keigh or eldar
>Fuck this purging is good
>Miss the coffee though

>>61787580
>be interrogator
>be frozen because of warp shanniagans
> wake up through sheer willpower
> being carried by elder farseer
> Wut?
> asks politely to be put down
> tells her we need to commandeer one of those ships laying around
(Sorry about that, life got in the way)

>>61787651
(Smooth transition tho)
>Feel that this guy is waking up
>Ohfuckshit.khaine
>Drop him down quickly as a couple of orks round the corner
>Easy warp blast bait
>Ork bits everywhere
>Fuck yeah
>look at him
>Demand he leads the way, I'll provide cover fire
>I want that damn coffee, you get me that shit now
>Pretty sure I'm making the emperor and the eldar god's proud though
>Also fuck slaanesh

>>61785189
>>61787309
>Be cogboy
>Have some Ork heresy gut my armiger
>Stay upright for about 6.74 milliseconds before the Leman Russ slips & the whole thing goes down
>Look to my commissar for guidance
>She's admiring her own tits
>Look at crashing Ork & Marine ships
>See metal Egyptians unburied
>So much tech
>Their leader seems to be slow to realise what's going on on
>Maybe he won't miss his arm, it looks flashy
>Grab my sprocket rod 147
>Apply oil to forehead & keep my calm

>>61787762
>be interrogator
>uses telekinetic powers to fling some sharp objects at the orks, kills a few of them
>commandeer some random guardsmen ship whole the elder provides cover fire
> doesn’t even bother to show rosette just mindfucks the pilot
>heads up with the eldar to the inquisitorial ship

>be Guardsman
>wake up inside Chimera
>its upside down
>well, this is a thing
>untangle myself from my safety harness. Surprised they didn't kill me like they should have
>go to raid the beer cooler, only to find it empty
>amomentofsilenceforthefallen.brewski
>steel my resolve, for the beer shall be avenged
>make sure my new Stetson is secure on my head
>holster my lasrevolver and grab my lasgun
>I had no idea what I expected to see when I stepped out of the wreckage, but it sure as shit wasn't what I saw.

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>>61787081
>>61787165
>>61787339
>be watch captain
>listening to the sweet sound of heavy bolters
>violently ripped from from that momentary peace of mind as the company commander of the Marines Malevolent makes his way towards me
>notice the volume of his helmet's vox emitter is exceptionally high
>start to wonder who's louder: this prick or Interragator-Chaplin Asmodai
>brings up this quaint little suggestion about having his lieutenant don the black
>fuckthatnoise.pict
>if he's anything like his older brothers then there's no way in the warp I'm gonna let that happen
>I already have a spastic Space Wolf and a Black Templar to deal with for Emperor's sake
>albeit the Black Templar is a bit more restrained and rational; whatever knowledge the Mechanicus bestowed upon him seems to have evened him out
>tell the Captain I would pass along his recommendation to my Inquisitor and should hear back from us... eventually
>my attention is suddenly drawn to the unmistakable sound of an Ork Krooza colliding with the ground
>notice an ominous green glow coming from the impact crater
>see a shinning skeletal figure with a staff atop an obsidian structure coming out of the ground
>more hostile xenos
>and here I thought today was going to be boring
>unsheathesxenophaseblade.purge
>vox the Astra Militarum forces
>tell them to beware of green lightning
>turn back to the MM Captain
>"Seems like the perfect time for your company and your best boy to prove themselves to the Watch."
>inb4 the eyesores are all disintegrated

>>61788062
>be Captain Faya
>see Guardsman pop out of the Chimera
>this thing is more packed than Bolter Bitches' breastplate

>still a farseer
>Transported to imperial ship
>On the way I learn two things
>One, space marines have landed and are commencing a purge
>Excellent
>Second, Slaanesh made everyone's bra size go up like three letters
>Mine included
>Unfathomablerage.khornelovesthisibet
>Only reason I didn't notice was because of my lack of coffee
>That just pisses me off further
>Land
>Resist urge to make a warp storm to vent

>>61786838
>Be Tzeench
>Warp is being a finicky bitch
>Portal fluctuates before collapsing catastrophically
>Many of my ever changing faces get burned by the backlash
>Fuckingwarp.chaos
>Send Magnus a message to get over there and start wreaking shit
>Why must this be so difficult

>be necron lord
>forces are mobilized and already engaging
>arrive on surface
>choatic clusterfuck afoot
>eldar and variable assortment of other meatbags firing in all directions
>certainly a spectacle, but an opportune moment as well
>warriors flood from our surfaced monoliths

>>61788128
>be Captain Faya
>Watch Captain tells he would pass his recommendation to Inquisitor
>be 400 years old
>know how this works
>fuck.paperwork
>suddenly see the Ork Krooza that destroyed my ship is going
>good
>wait that's not good at all
>it's falling down towards us
>see the explosions
>moments later see green lights
>thefuckisthat?
>see Necron structures
>ohshit.voxcast
>Watch Captain turns his head towards me and says
>"Seems like the perfect time for your company and your best boy to prove themselves to the Watch."
>"With pleasure, Captain"
>>61779663
>pull Primaris LT behind Watch Captain's back and tell him
>"Now i've just secured you a one way trip to Death Watch. So go out there and show your best to that obsidian cunt or else you're going to be fired through the Whirlwind into Watch Fortress until they recruit you"

>>61788345


>be me armentho
>finally managed to get out of the trenchs and lost the orkz
>try to use the FTL communication prototype
>mfw i can perfectly hear comms from all factions untill the eye of terror
>feelprideonscience.cowardintern
>tfw i can understand why the bucket heads of the admechs have a religion based on tech
>use the emitter to call reinforcements
>''any one there?!''

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>>61788398

btw hear nice music

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwhSQI97AlA

>>61788398
>be Captain Faya
>hear some Mortal's cowardly voice in my vox channel
>thefuck?
>how did he got our vox channel?
>fuck it
>hope that some of my boys "accidentally" kills him

>>61788228
>Be Interrogator
>Make my way with the farseer to the my inquisitors library
>just now notic the farseers breasts have grown by like 3 sizes
>Fuaack
>Stare at it for a second
>Manage to pull my gaze away enough to find the ritual book
>Wut?
>It say in order to perform the ritual you have to Hold hands and give each other compliments for two hours while staring into each others eyes
The votes were tallied!

>>61788456
here’s one for the tech priests, too

https://youtu.be/wy-sVTaZRPk

>>61788459

>the emmiter is catching several open vox chanels on the planet that are hearing my transmission
>this tech is fucking awesome,imagine being in cadia and being able to call for reinforcements on real time on earth instead of using the astropath
>stopdistractingyourself.idiot
>''i know someone is hearing me up there,answer assholes!!''

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>Be Death Jester, having some cold ones
>Sit around doing practically nothing with the Craftworlder, Incubus, and two Guardsmen
>Everyone's totally silent as everything occurs
>Suddenly, the Incubus pipes up, mentioning how I haven't even chuckled a bit in the last half hour
>"It's so funny I forgot to laugh."

>Be Khorne
>Be eternally pissed that the LT Primaris didn't take me up on my offer & just spat all over himself
>Seek out rage
>Find some Eldar woman seething for the thrist of caffeine
>Thirst for coffee is akin to thirst for blood, how many people have murdered another for it's dark brew
>Send my best rage demon to possess the coffee nearest her, so much Warp fuckery & bloodshed down below its not hard
>By blue Birdy brother must be planning to sit out, I haven't seen much of him

>Be Lord of Change
>Warp just destroyed our portal and killed all the worshipers working on it
>Get singed by the warp explosion
>Daemons start freaking out
>What?
>They're screaming about how the tainted warp is on them
>Look at robes
>Tzeenchsaveme.bird
>Robes are covered in glittery warp stuff, fluids and a odd stench of sexual tension
>Can hear daemonetts giggling
>Hope Magnus fairs better than us

>>61788515
>Read the book as well
>Look at the ritual
>2 hours of compliments and handholding
>Wat
>I'm gonna need that coffee for this shit
>Order one of the mon'keigh to get me a drink
>Forget I'm not in charge around here
>Fuck
>... politely ask if I can have coffee. Milk and sugar too
>Down drink when it comes
>Fuck yeah, that's that good shit
>Look to interrogator
>>61788609
>Become unbelievably fuck ass mad again
>Shit nigga what was in that coffee
>I'm actually boiling with rage
>"RIGHT CUNT WE DOING THIS DUMBASS RITUAL OR WHAT!?"
>Not even mad at him, just so pissed off I'm literally shaking
>At least I'm able to contain this rage for now
>Holy heck it's gonna explode when I'm done

>>61788709
>be interrogator
>get the farseer some coffee finally
>she seems extremely angry at something
>yells at me to start the ritual
>interrogator is clearly freaked out
>grasps hands and starts ritual
>”um y-you have nice hair”
Well guys this is what you voted for

>>61788782

>love can bloom on the battlefield
>fucking (sexy)heresy

>>61788913
it's nothing that stray missile from Marines Malevolent Whirlwind can't fix

>be navy armsman serving on an inquisitor ship
>avoiding work by hiding in the ship's library
>suddenly the Interrogator and an eldar farseer arrive and the interrogator orders me to bring coffee.
> where am I supposed to find that?
>find a pot of particularly good recaff and bring that from the crew galley

>>61788709
Congrats, Farseer! You've become a Tsundere of Khorne!

>>61788963

yeah but the malevolents would kill loyalist and heretics equally,fuck they would destroy the new data of FTL vox comms and the prototypes just for the sake of it

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>>61788963
would you do that to your primarch

>>61789038
Considering it's the Marines Malevolent, they probably would.

>>61788709
>Be demon of Khorne
>Jumped into coffee, now floating in this Eldar bitch
>TIME TO RIP & TEAR!!!!!!!!!!
You have nice hair
>Wut?
>Y-you really think so? None of the other Khorne demons like it
>Wait no, BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!!!
>Scream at the Eldar to insult him
>TELL HIM HIS BODY IS WEAK!!!!!!
>WEAK & ENGORGED WITH BLOOD!!!!!!
>BITE HIS NECK

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>>61788646
>>Robes are covered in glittery warp stuff, fluids and a odd stench of sexual tension
It'll do more than mess up your robes deary...

>>61788709
>>"RIGHT CUNT WE DOING THIS DUMBASS RITUAL OR WHAT!?"
>>61788782
>>interrogator is clearly freaked out
>Start to siphon some of immense about of ambient yonic energies into the Interrogator
>This is either going to go really REALLY good or really REALLY horrible
>Tentaclescrossed.handsign

>>61789038
Even if that's not their Primarch(it's unknown who is their Primarch or from which chapter they succeded) they would still do it. Just for shits and giggles

>>61788782
>>61789026
>>61789071
>Actually holding back from causing a god damn explosion
>Internally screaming
>Actually there's voices in my head
>FUCK SHIT KHORNE DAEMON
>FUCK ASS MAD
>UHH
>Try to to crush interrogator
>"Y...Y... YOU'RE NOT A FILTHY FUCKING TYRANID, GOD DAMN THOSE THINGS PISS ME OFF SO MUCH, BUG FUCKING PIECES OF SHIT, FUCK, I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE NOT ONE OF THEM, GOD FUCKING HELL, I WANNA SQUASH A DAMN BUG, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU LIKE SQUASHING BUGS, I LIKE THAT IN A MAN!!!"
>manage to vent enough rage to not kill him
>Nailedit.khainekorneemperorimconfusedhelp

>Be Redneck Guardsman
>Stagger out of the Chimera, only to see a Space Marine in piss-yellow armor
>Dont comment on it, mostly because of the concussion.
>Stumble towards him and hand him a bottle of hooch that I "liberated" from the transport.
>fix my hat and charge towards the front line.
>If those faggots blew up my still again I'll skin them alive.

>>61788782
>be interrogator
>feel a sudden huge surge of energy
>fuckingdaemons.jpg
>ignore it as best I can
>continue to try to give the farseer compliments
>”I like your eyes, there very um... elegant”
> the farseer doesn’t seem to be doing too well. I think she’s possesed
>’just got to keep going everything will be fine ,everything will be fine’

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>>61779349
>Be me
>Chief Adeptus Ramsay
>Former cook for some angry Space Marine
>Get shipped out to some fuck what war zone
>no one is cooking
>just fighting
>Decided to Desert so I can fight everyone till they start cooking
>this is gonna be a potentially great or or horrid idea
>Cadre of cooks side with me
>it begins

>>61789218
> be interrogator
> “ thank you for the compliment I do like smashing bugs, really I like smashing anything that tries to kill me”
> tries his best to calm her down and manage the situation until the ritual is complete

>>61789218
>>61789290
>Be Khorne demon of coffee
>HE THINKS HE CAN JUST COMMENT ON OUR EYES!!!!!!!
>EVERY INCH OF US IS PLEASING & CRAFTED FOR VIOLENCE, HE WILL DO BETTER THAN THAT IF HE WOULD SERVE ME IN BATTLE!!!!!!
>BITE HIS NECK!!!!!!
>PULL HIM INTO A GRAPPLE!!!!
>Eldar lady, let us sing as we dance on his FACE!!!
>BRING ME HIS SKULL!!!

>>61789356
>Lemmesmash.farseer
Calling it now.

>continue being Commissar
>I don't know why, but apparently the Kriegers and I have gone mobile
>riding along in the Colonel's Russ Vanquisher
>greenskins are spotted
>joke that I want her to drive me closer so I can shoot them with my pistol
>the crazy bitch takes that as an order and actually DOES it
>entire armor regiment does a coordinated turn
>thirty-one Russes, a dozen Chimeras, and a couple of Hydras plow through a horde of greenskins
>lucky I managed to hit anything, but the squad-level Exterminators did way more of the work
>Shadowseer still laughing her ass off
>I swear they're in it together now

>>61789399
If the people call for it

Hey, is anyone screencaping the threads?

>>61789429
Why aren't you?

>Ultramarine drop pods land
>Everyone stops fighting to look
>One opens
"I, Cato Sicarius, have arrived to save this planet because I, Cato Sicarius, shall climb the ranks so that I, Cato Sicarius, can become chapter master!"
>Ultra marine ultraviolence commences

>>61789429
No clue

>>61789396
>Sense demon of coffee
>ITS RAW BEANS
>Time to fucking hunt
>begin crusade to fight khornes demons of food

>>61789242
>be Captain Faya
>notice another Guardsman crawling out of Chimera
>okay at this point i'm pretty sure that this vihicle contains a whole Regiment of them inside it and an Ork Warband
>fag is stumbling towards me and hands me the some bewarage.
>crush it with my Terminator armor hands
>shit
>i really needed that drink
>see the Guardsman charging into the malestorm of battle in the drunken haze
>shit too late to kill him
>oh well
>hope that he gets crushed by Thunderhawk landing on him.

>>61789449
>With great difficulty, a rather... portly... Ultramarine squeezes out of his drop pod.
>he's so big he take up one on his own
"Brother-Captain Sicarius! I, Brother Vader have arrived! And I brought snacks!"

>>61789410
>>61789479


>be armentho
>still isnulting everyone from this forsaken planet to cadia itself trough FTL vox prototypes
>tfw everyone is insulting me back
>isthelastonpranks.adeptasppongebob

>>61789449

>sudenly i hear the fucking ultramarines
>not this assholes please.....

>>61789449
>Be Emperor
>Why the fuck did those Smurfs go to Cold Shoulder 2: Electric Boogaloo?

>>61789356
>Continues trying to girlify the Interrogator

>>61789396
>Slaps
"No, bad Khorfee daemon, no biting yet!"

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>>61788319
>>61788345
>be watch captain
>time to kick ass for the lord of Mankind
>order squad to engage from a distance
>Captain Faya has so graciously reinforced my kill-team with his LT he practically shoves him into my command
>from first impressions, he seems much more tolerable than his commander
>might seriously consider putting that recommendation forward
>cut the guy some slack
>as long as he doesn't take my job
>see the necron lord in the middle of the approaching wave of robits
>fire my bolt pistol at him a few times
>swing my sword about issuing orders to my team as well as the guard forces
>most of the guardmen retreat out of fear
>its like they've never seen one of their comrades become a charred skeleton from being hit by a bolt of green lightning
>Where the hell are the bloody commissars?!
>don't bother shooting them because it would be a waste of ammunition
>will let the Marines Malevolent and their captain take care of that murder chode they've been stroking since they got here
>notice a few more shots start coming my way now
>start to wonder if this strange black xenotech blade with glowing green runes is attracting attention
>I've never actually used it against these metal heads before
>have to say I'm eager to see the results
>something then crosses my mind
>What the fuck happened to the orks that crashed here?

>Be Anita Sarkeezian
>Dese grots been ignoring me an' me Orkz of various genderz
>neglectrape.waaaagh
>Look back upon me warband
>Orkz lined side by side, Catframe glassez on, brightly colored hair, da werkz.
>Satizfied, oi signal dem to charge

>>61789290
>>61789356
>>61789396
>Hearing daemon chatter in my head
>BITE, BLOOD, SKULL SKULL SKULL
>"YYYYYOU GOT A GOOD LOOKING HEAD, I BET YOUR SKULL IS REALLY STRONG AND CAN BE USED TO SMASH YOUR ENEMIES INTO A PULP!!"
>FUCK I'm livid right now
>Practically trying to fight off urge to kill
>If you'd give me TWO HOURS I will GLADLY START PURGING AND KILLING
>Calm down, calm down, fuck can't think straight
>>61789528
>Hear slaanesh influence in my head too
>Just got a whole lot more mad
>"AAAAAARGH AND YOU'RE NOT A FILTHY SLAANESH DAEMONETTE, GOD DAMN IT'S GOOD TO SEE SOMEONE NOT FUCKING OBSESSED WITH GRINDING AGAINST FUCKING EVERYTHING, CHRIST I LOVE THAT RESTRAINED SHIT!!!"
>this is gonna be a long 2 hours...

>>61789513
>"You there! You may assist I, Cato Sicarius, in battle! May some of the glories talent that I, Cato Sicarius, posses rub off onto you!"

>>61789577
>be interrogator
>”uh.. I though the way you moved in battle was extremely graceful and effective... it was one of the most graceful things I’ve ever seen”
>things seem to be getting really bad. How much longer is this ritual!
>praying to the god emperor to have enough strength to get through this ordeal in order to banish the daemons from both of us as well as the ones of the battlefield

>>61789440
I'm travelling and don't have access to screencaping tools

>>61789558
>be Captain Faya
>see Necron Lord and a wave of green tin-cans
>Watch Captain fires at it with his bolter
>no effect whatsoever
>fucking Necron tech heresy
>order Devastators to form a line and focus fire on Necronfags
>almost consider to send Primaris LT cunt in suicide charge against Necron Lord
>dicide against it

>>61789558

>Be 'Possessed' Warphead Madgob
>currently laying on top of the bridge windshield.
>See Necrons coming out of the hole made by Beakiesmasha and fighting the beakies down on the ground.
>Huh, didn't know the tinboyz were here too
>Suddenly
>IzFeelzADisturbanceInDaWarp.wyrdboy
>...Far... seer...?
>Farseer.
>I can feel this zoggin' panzee's warp headaches all the way from here
>Hm. Maybe there's a scrap where the panzee iz.
>Decide to make for one of the smaller ships and head back up into orbit before the Kaptin yells at me again while the rest of the boyz start WAAAGH!!!ing down against the beakies and tinboyz on the ground
>Suddenly feel like I need to burp some WAAAGH!!! energy
>Open mouth wider then should be possible.
>Punch a hole in the side of killkrooza with WAAAGH!! blast
>.... which is followed by one very confused Pink Horror.
>Wot_da_zog?!.glyph
>Shut my mouth and book it for the Fighta-bomma hanger, hoping I can fly one of these things without immediately crashing.

>>61789618

>people of all galaxy hear cayo sicarius trough the vox
>''FUCK YOU SICARIUS'' is hear acroos the galaxy as everyone that know who he is,tell him to fuck
>this narcicist could help
>''o great catosicarius.im a humble servant of the emperor,recently scientist had design a new STC for communication ,and i want to save it''
>''if we doi it,we can be able to transmit your heroic actions trough all the galaxy and show everyone how important and great you are,lord sicarius''
>hope his ego take the bait

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>>61789577
>CHRIST I LOVE THAT RESTRAINED SHIT!!!
"YES, focus on that restraint while I take care of our khorny problem!"

>>61789668
>>praying to the god emperor to have enough strength to get through this ordeal in order to banish the daemons from both of us as well as the ones of the battlefield
>The machismo is strong with this one...

>>61789668
>>61789577
>Be Khorne demon
>YES!!!! SMASH!!!!!
>TELL HIM YOU WANNNAAAA SMASH HIM!!!!!!!!
>TELL HIM YOU WANNNAA SMASH!
>BITE HIS NECK!!!!
>FIND HIS VITALS!!!
>BITE!!!! RIP & TEAR!!!!

>still a Commissar, still alive somehow
>back at the FOB for fuel and ammo
>Krieg tank Colonel is telling her troops that the brilliant tactical order that wiped out that ork offensive was my idea
>recounts my shooting, pantomimes blasting away with a bolt pistol
>Kriegers are just standing at attention, but some of the other Guardsmen are eating it up
>Shadowseer is talking to a bunch of aspect warriors
>Banshees judging by the boobplate
>doing one of those weirdly athletic interpretive dances of hers, probably telling the same story
>by the look of it she's telling them I wiped out a horde of greenskins with my pistol in one hand and my throbbing erection in the other or something
>mfw I shot like three dudes, MAYBE four, as a joke
>this can't possibly end well

>>61789793
>be me.
>be Captain Faya
>notice Ork Bommas in the air
>AlienBeanz.purge
>voxcast to Thunderhawk pilots to. TAKE. IT. DOWN.
>voxcast to Whirlwind gunners to focus fire on Ork aircraft
>Gunner asks how are they supposed to take down aircraft with Whirlwins
>yell to keep firing as much as they can until there no aircrafts in the air

>be necron lord
>notice being PINGed by slug rounds
>amusing
>”lynchguard, close ranks around me. warriors, make way for immortals. deathmarks, obtain high ground.”
>there are far too many species on my planet

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>>61789835
"BLOOD BITCH, YOU'RE FIGHT IS WITH ME!"
>Dramatically point at Khorfee daemon in the Farseers mental realm
"IN THE NAME OF THE LEWD, I SHALL PUNISH YOU!"

>>61789668
>Getting so many mixed signals
>Complement him, kill him, fuck him
>GOD DAMNIT IF THIS KEEPS UP THERE'S GONNA BE A WARP STORM
>"I JUST...WANNA..."
>>61789835
>"SMASH INTO YOUR NICE SOFT SQUISHY BODY SO HARD..."
>>61789827
>"...THAT YOU'D HAVE TO TIE ME BACK WITH ROPES AND CHAINS AND SHIT BECAUSE..."
>CALM DOWN, FOCUS
>"... YOUR...A.... SHINING EXAMPLE OF THE EMPEROR'S GLORY THAT I RESPECT AS A FIGURE THAT I CAN LOOK UP!!! GOD DAMN YOU'RE THE EMPEROR'S BEST FOR DOING THIS, MAN!!!"
>Use a pause to tell the daemons in my head to can their shit
>Khorne boi, you will GET your skulls, give me SOME FUCKING TIME TO WAIT
>Slaaneshi you thirsty bitch I MIGHT take him to dinner if he's into it
>BOTH OF YOU STOP WHILE I DO THIS
>...
>Voices don't stop
>Khain give me strength this is difficult...

>>61789738
>Be Herald of Tzeench
>Mind is ravaged by the WAAAGH energy
>Can hardly think
>Another wave rips right though it
>Mind suddenly regains some strength
>What?
>See a small daemon fly out of the Orks mouth
>Can't remember why or how that happened due to mind still being ravaged
>Probably taint of chaos
>Start mediation to ease mind pain

>>61790036
>be interrogator
>realize the ritual is almost over
>say the final words as per the ritual
>” the emperor love shall the light that banishes darkness.... BEGONE ALL EVIL!!!”
>all the daemons In the area are purged
>feelsgoodman.jpg
>realize I still have to deal with all the irks and neurons
>sigh
>the farseer seems to have stabilized after being purged of daemons
> probally gonna have to get her more coffee though

>>61790036
>>61790082
>>61790134

>be me
>Ork "Possessed" Warphead Madgob
>flying Ork Fighta-bommas as fast as I can toward the humie Imperial ship
>Its really not hard to track this panzee farseer since her mind is so damn loud in the Warp
>Suddenly there's a massive shift in the Warp, and mah telepathy's suddenly hit in a bright gold feedback loop.
>"WAAAAAAAGGH!!!!"
>roar in pain and accidentally smash all fighta-bomma's the red buttons, causing me to crash straight into the side of the ship, ramming so hard that it goes all the way to the Inquisitorial Library.
>GorkAndMorkDatHurt.ork
>Is now sitting in the crashed fuselage of the Fighta-Bomma, still reeling from the feedback loop that hit my brain and the daemon inside it.

>>61789895
>be scintillan trooper
>finally manage to find a commissar
>can't bear this ridiculous mutation anymore
>just place all valuables, from portable shrine to lasgun on the ground, and at the soonest opportunity salute them
>"Sorry to disappoint you like this, sir. Don't try the penal regiment's rotgut."
>ready my laspistol, old civilian model from back home
>prepare to BLAM myself for being a filthy mutant
>Moments before pulling the trigger pray that the mutation won't carry on to the afterlife
>What would my wife think if I had a bigger rack than her?
>BLAM

>>61789793
>"I, Cato Sicarius, will obtain this so that the word of I, Cato Sicarius, will spread through to the galaxy!"

>>61790134
>Be Khorne demon
>Be eternally fuck ass mad
>Anathema based bullshit tries to banish me
>Looking for any exit
>Hey what's this stone around the eldar's neck?
>Crawl into soulstone
>It's cramped but at least I'm still here, unlike that Slaanesh demon!

>>61789913

>the vox comms are talking about antiarcraft strikes
>fuck
>''broken arrow!!,BROKEn ARROW,run for your lifes'' a guardsmen is screaming trough vox open chanels as the ork ship is exploding and failing to earth

broke arrow is term when fire support like artillery,airforce or explosives have a high risk of friendly fire

>>61790480

>''thanks lord sicarius,i have the blueprints and the prototypes,but wee need to run''
>hope he hear me

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>>61790036
>>61790134
>>61790522
>Be Daemonette of benevolent lesbian intent
>Good news, distracted that khorny dog long enough for the lovebirds to fire off the ritual
>Bad news is, BOTH are still leaning HETRO, and said ritual was one of those golden Anathema damned that banishes all Daemons
>Thankfully I was prepaired
>Previously found one of those warp-dim blue mortals that, up till now, had been seriously lacking in all the curves departments
>Had her sneak aboard in case I needed to hide in her new "Blueberries"
>NOONEWILLEVERYKNOW.scheme

>>61790522
>Notice i missed one
> Proceed to use banishment rituals to force it out of the soulstone
> It physically manifests instead
>fuarck

>>61790676
No! Not Twerk-Tau! Who will shake their ass in the middle of a warzone now?!

>be cogboy
>Orks are everywhere
>Marines not even bothering anymore, they just want to talk to each other
>Guardsmen are either digging trenches or BLAM!ing themselves
>Oil up that forehead to keep it cool
>See that shiney skellyman distracted by one of the marines' shots
>Sneak up behind him
>Engage tiptoe.exe
>Use scrocket rod model 147 to loosen the bolts on his right arm
>Works like a charm, let's hope he can't tell it's missing

>>61789079
>Be Lord of Change
>Army is getting picked of by Slaaneshi daemons courting them off due to the warp stuff covering them
>Attempts to get this stuff off robes is like trying scrape burnt eggs of a regular metal pan
>It's easier to get off my face though it only the glitter and fluids come off without a hitch
>The smell remains and it just keeps giving mixed emotions
>There's a lot more now that some ritual on the planet banished them back here
>Start gathering up those who aren't freaking out too much and get ready to hold them off
>One in particular is eying me down with intent
>Iamveryuncomfortablewiththesecurrentsituation.Tzeentch
>The future holds no chance for escape
>Why has our god forsaken us?

>>61790522
>>61790676
>>61790704
>Feel the warp subside a little bit
>Thank fuck for that
>Still angry, keeps the khorne around
>Interrogator tries to purge
>UNFATHOMABLE HATE FLOWS THROUGH ME
>Bat the man out of the way
>Ritual stops, calm down
>Look at him
>Pretty sure he's fine
>Soul stone has got khorne in it now
>Do my best to contain my rage
>"Don't try to pull it out I think I'm... possessed?"
>Grab coffee
>Sip
>Tastes good man
>Promise khorne daemon that he will get his blood
>Want to purge slaanesh, Ork and necron stuff so it's mutual
>Bonus, tits are back to normal
>Feeling a lot better

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>>61790737
>No! Not Twerk-Tau!
It's not Twerk-Tau, it's her workfriend who was flat of both chest AND ass.
She notably does NOT like "Pulse Rifles."

>>61790777
>>Be Lord of Change
>Going to be a LADY of Change shortly
>Muliebrous Warp Energy is a hellva drug

>>61790858
>>Bonus, tits are back to normal
"NOOOOOOOOO!!!"

>>61790235
>ork warfighta crashes into the ship
>Warphead emerges
>Dafuck.wut
>Against my better judgment and considering the fact that hes still reeling from the crash i try to reason with it
>"Your skin is very green... do you want to help me fight big red things and metal things"

>>61790858
>Be Khorne demon
>Realise I finally have the ear of the Eldar & All Slaanesh influence in the area has been banished
>Bloody grin.khorne
>LET US RIP & TEAR BEAUTIFUL ENGINE OF DEATH
>Sense some low level influence still holding on
>KILL THE BLUE BIG BUTTED BOVINE BITCH!!!! SHE IS OF THE TENTACLED ONE!!!

>>61790858
>consumed by hatred of daemons
>tries to banish the daemon again
>getting really tired of this shit

>>61790235
>Be Herald of Tzeentch
>Mind is healing steadily
>Can her an Eldar psykers mind yelling almost as loud as the ork
>Suddenly I feel a blast of energy in the warp
>Wha-AAAAAAAAAA!
>Mindfuck.ritual
>Mind goes blank
>Regain some conciousness
>Someone must have performed a ritual of the corpse god or something similar
>See the plane the Ork was flying had crashed into an imperial base
>Mind feels worse
>Go back to meditating to ease mind of recently acquired mindfuck

>>61790958
You drew that dude?

>Be Nurgle
>Notice one of my nurglings running into my chambers, crying
>like the good father I am, I bend down to ask him what is wrong
>that's when I see it...
>... his black eye...
>Somebody has been bullying my boy!
>10000000% ASS SHATTERINGLY PISSED
>Demand Typhus and his friends immediately deploy and teach those Materials some respect
>NOBODYBULLIESMYBOY.pox

>Be a fresh rookie trooper
>Get assigned to a mixed armor regiment
>Krieger Leman Russ tanks and Wave Serpents
>I've heard stories
>The Commissar is apparently a madman with a bolt pistol and a warboner, the Krieger Colonel is a madwoman with a riding crop, the eldar are led by a Harlequin who's always cackling
>Arrive at the firebase
>So this is where my life ends
>The Colonel is tapping the Commissar over the head with her riding crop, lecturing him on the virtues of a proper breakfast
>The Harlequin witch is tickling his nose with a feather or some shit
>He's just sitting there taking it with an exhausted look on his face
>The Kriegers and Eldar all ignore this like it's normal
>I'm not sure if this is better or worse than what I was expecting

>>61790994
>>61791016
>Get some really mixed signals
>On one hand, daemon in my head is something I loathe to the core
>On the other hand purging the shit out of other daemons is good for the both of us
>"As much as I would LOVE THE PURGING OF DAEMONETTES we have to show a little restraint for now...there are imperials here and...wait did you call me beautiful?"
>Shit that was an actual compliment I think
>Shake it off for now
>"ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT, we will rip the daemonette appart and if you play nice I'll let you BATHE IN THE BLOOD OF OUR ENEMY, we got a fair deal?"
>Pretty sure this ends in needing an actual bath...

>>61791191
>the banishing doesn't seem to be working
>the farseer looks like she has it under control so decide to conserve my energy... for now
>tell the farseer we need to head back down to the surface in order to finally put a stop to this chaos

>>61791191
>Be Khorne demon
>Eldar asking me for restraint
>ITS NOT LIKE IM ASKING FOR THE DEATH OF ----ALL---- THE BLUEBERRIES!!!!!!
>JUST KILLL THE ONE RIGHT NOW SO SLAANESH DOESNT GAIN A NEW FOOTHOLD!!!!
>Look I thought you were smart as well as a graceful dancer of death!!!
>JUST ONE LITTLE BLUEBERRY & YOU CAN GET SOME COFFEE!
>Beg my master for a show of favor
>I DO NOT CARE FOR WHERE THE JAVA FLOWS ONLY THAT IT FLOWS!! I must appease this little lady of slaughter!!!

>>61791311
>>61791501
>Take a deep breath before I lose it
>"I will get to the surface soon, but there's still a daemonette on the ship...I'm pretty sure if I don't smash it, I will UNLEASH THE FURY OF THE BLOOD GOD...well that..."
>Breaking in and out of rage
>"I'll take care of that, you take care off the planet, everyone involved is a winner..."
>Fuck shit warp is overtaking
>Go with the flow so I'm not torn apart by chaos
>Bolt into the ship looking for the heritic
>Built in gaydar is pinging...wait khorne has a gaydar?
>Suppose he wants Slaanesh dead that bad
>Youandmeboth.justeldarthings

>Be DFC Twerk-Tau
>be shakin' Aun'Vas little money maker like my life depended on it
>Finally notice that I'm all alone
>This isn't right! I need to prove that Flat is Justice!
>sprint for the nearest battlezone so I can have an audience
>twerkingforthegreatergood.greatergood

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>>61790958
>Be Earth Caste Senior of the sept D'yanoi
>Ironic, because until today neither my front twin or singular rear "moon" was really existent
>I had been working on a fix for that, which is what got me assigned to this Fu'llasso in the first place
>Etherals used my adiposal enhancement ray to size up the Water caste
>Wanted to tempt the Gue'la into joining the Greater Good
>Aur'ocy shath'r'i tskan sha Tau'va my now shapely ass!
>Since I'm not into Pulse Rifles, perverts didn't even let me use my own invention on myself
>Typical
>Luckily, some mindscience shenanigans rectified that injustic
>One of the Gue'la Aun'vesa appeared to me claiming to be responsible and in need of a physical body to store themselves in
>Claims my tits would work perfectly
>Sweet, maybe now I'll be able to shoot mind lasers out of my nips

>>61791191
>>61791501
>...Is that Aeldari looking at me funny?

>Be Plaguemarine Tonsilitis
>Father Nurgle has ordered us to punish a group of Mortals for daring to bully one of his nurglings
>burst from a pile of now rotting corpses in a ditch somewhere
>Now that I'm here, gonna start "asking" around for info on the bully.

>Be Warp
>Feel sick
>NurgleWhatDidYouDo.Chaos
>Force a band of nurglings into the materium
>Don't know where
>Also force a daemonette into a orks brain
>I want a singing Ork damn it!

>>61791620
>Be Khorne demon
>Rejoice in my corruption of the Eldar, Slaanesh thinks she's so great that he has them all to herself & can eat their souls after death, well now I'm the one with a murderfu
>HEY ELDAR, WE SHOULD MAKE TOAST!!!!!
>WE CAN MAKE TOAST & SMASH THE BLUEBERRY WITH IT TO MAKE JAM!!!!
SMASH HER FACE & EAT JAM TOAST!!!
>Warp a cup of java with milk & sugar into existence
>ELDAR, FOR ACCEPTING THIS BLOOD PACT TAKE A SIP OF THE ANGRY BREW OF COFFEE! LET IT NURISH YOU!!!! LET US EAT TOAST & JAM WITH OUT COFFEE!!!!!!!!

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>>61791501
>>61791646
"Quick my Cow Chariot, to the commissary!"

>>61790958
>Be lord of Change
>The Daemonetts are just looking at us
>A feeling descends upon us that something is very wrong
>Then it's a physical feeling
>what?
>Several Daemons start screaming and soon the group disperses
>I look in my robe and freak out
>Attempt to use Sorcery to remove these things
>Fuck the sorcery has no effect!
>Daemonetts are giggling at my expense
>Curse you Slaanesh!