>>60985974
11

>>60985974
He probably weighs a ton, so he's going to be stuck on the first floor. Hey though, no-one's going to start shit in that building.

>>60986016
He'll be the receptionist then

>Casual Friday is NOT supported by the Codex Astartes.

>>60985974
No shit, I genuinely once write a whole mini story about a custodes who, after realising he was now too old to protect the emperor, decided to settle into a nice office job at a mid sized logistics company in surrey.

No one questions his giant physique and voice like thunder , he flirted with debs from accounting, always made the coffee a little too strong, and generally got on well. Until blake from admin took debs lunch from the fridge, then he flipped and purged half the city in a holy crusade of righteous justice.
Also watch Son of zorn, that gives you a good idea of how they'd be/

>>60986027
>*ring*
>"GREETINGS, THIS IS GERBER MACHINE TOOLS"
>brief pause
>"H-hi yeah I had a table vice break on me, do you know who to talk to about that?"
>"VERILY! I WILL NOW DIRECT YOU TO THE OFFICIO OF RETURNS. HOLD PLEASE.
>overly bombastic Imperial music plays

>>60985974
The standat human has a Perception, Intelligence and Fellowship of 30, a Space Marine has statistcally a Perception, Intelligence and Fellowship of 40. Additionally he requires less sleep has a inhuman stamina and Enhanced Awareness and he can grow centuries old.
He will rank up fast and become Lord Office, purging inefficience in the name of the Emperor, he will lack innovation though and his religion is a crazy and fanatical one, so the police will have a look at him. But the Astartes will be aware of it and behave most excellent.

>>60986137
>and yet he still has to go through Jim at accounting

>>60985974
https://youtu.be/RzToNo7A-94

Pretty good if chaplain

>>60985974
>CHAOS HAS AFFLICTED THIS PRINTER FOR THE LAST TIME!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgxysbh9p3Y

>>60986104
Why do I picture "overly bombastic Imperial music" as the Koningratzer march, with added chanting?

>>60985974
he would show up 15 minutes early, every day, and be the last one to leave, every day. he would never call in sick, he would never fail to report for duty, even if his family is dying. he would be the most efficient worker in that office, with a neat and collated desk, and he would inspire everyone else in the office near him to higher standards. he would rise quickly through the ranks, from worker, to assistant manager, to manager, then even begin moving up floors, granting an aura of increased competence as he ascends the ranks. one day, if no better man stands before him, he might even become CEO, and lead his company to greater glory on the battlefield of high finance, laying low those who would oppose imperial assets incorporated.

>>60985974

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kDFU1P-T4_4

his augmented mind, superior physique and centuries of experience would make him a very efficient worker, possibly the most productive in the company. however due to psycho-indoctrination he would deal very poorly with office politics and the social side of the job, thus leaving him in a middle-manager position due to insufficient asskissing.

>>60985974
Better than an eldar I'm sure, at least he can keep a job for a reasonable amount of time and doesn't suffer from OCD.

And he works faster than the necrons, who for all their diligence aren't the most proactive workers in the building.

Space Marines = Sales
Inquisitors = HR
Chaos Marines = Marketing
Tech Priests= IT
Orks = R&D

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>>60986200

kek

>>60987798
A Necron would be pretty pathetic in an office, wouldn't he? Like those tech monkeys who are excellent at what they do, yet for some reason take ages to get anything done despite not being particularly lazy.
>Those yearly reports? Yeah, they're coming up. Aaaaaaaany second now.
Probably won't shut up about how he used to run one of the most successful businesses in the country back in '78, either.

>>60988041
there's two types of necrons
>the soulless office drone who doesn't say hello, does extremely mediocre work and always looks like he's on the verge of breakdown. his only activity outside of work is walking his pet scarab
>the smug tech guy who knows he can't get fired since he built every system for the company and has automated all his work, but is always extremely late fixing something his automated stuff can't do, extremely lazy, and keeps bragging about his old job 30 years ago

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>>60985974
How would they fare in an average suburban neighborhood?

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>>60986016
Relevant.

>>60988162
Heaven is when the code monkeys are necrons, the IT are techpriests, the human resources are Tau, the think tank is eldar, the manager is a space marine and the CEO is an inquisitor.

Hell is when the code monkeys are Tau, the human resources are necrons, the manager is an eldar, the think tank are space marines, the IT is an inquisitor and the CEO is a techpriest.

>>60985974
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kDFU1P-T4_4

I'm surprised no one has posted this yet.

>>60985974
Giant autist prone to fits of 'tard rage.


Middle management.

>>60989942
>I'm surprised no one has posted this yet.
About that
>>60987102

>>60988345
>the IT is an inquisitor

>genuinely tries to fix your machine at first
>really bitter about it though
>"the fuck did you do to this thing anon? you're a fucking idiot blah blah" despite knowing it's not your fault
>gets more and more pissed
>fucking knocks the computer off the desk and breaks it
>"welp guess you're gonna need a new one."
>neglects to mention your pay will be docked to cover the cost

>>60988345
>the manager is an eldar
>what do we do boss
>im not telling you

>the IT is an inquisitor
>computer broke sir,
>must've been your fault, you're fired

>CEO is a techpriest
>the company is going bankrupt, bob
>but why
>beats me, take a free toaster with you bob, the storage building is somehow stuffed with them

>>60987937
Sisters would be door to door saleswomen and advertisers

>>60987014
Wtf I love office work now. What does a finance company even do?
Also, what sort of policies would a space marine enact in a workplace do you think?
My two cents;
>ALL employees get a few shares in the company. It is their investment now, and should it go well their wealth will grow with it. Everyone, even the lowliest office gopher will know that they have a stake in the company's wellbeing.

>>60988345
Space marine think tanks sound awesome.

>>60986104
Okay when I'm a millionaire I'm going to be starting my own country and I am very tempted now to have everyone talk like that there. Also I love receptionists now.

>>60988345
>space marine think tank
>just a Librarian in a Land Raider

>>60994415
>"I THINK we're running low on bolter shells!"

>actual quality thread on tg
>left to die

>>60996372
It's a shame, but that's the curse of a slow moving board like /tg/

>>60986016
Techpriest Frinck prepare the elevatus.

>>60986070

You can't say shit like that without posting storytime.

Aren't there plenty of books about renegade space marines turning planets into almost paradises through politics and skill as a leader? I think he might do just fine and make CEO pretty fast.

>>60985974
Probably like this in all honesty
https://youtu.be/qFeKOrU7W0k

>>60996480
Are you serious? That sounds awesome! I've never heard of those.

Also now I really want to build a series of genuinely huge steampunk cathedrals around the world and take in young men as initiates to teach them Faith, Hope, Honor and Love for their fellow man, then send them out in power armor to help in any way they can. Is that so wrong?

>>60996510

I don't need to be a CEO to feel like that everyday.
I feel like that everyday.

>>60986104
>"WELCOME TO GERBER MACHINE TOOLS. HOW MAY I ASSIST YOU"
>"I-I have an interview t-today for the position of lead tooling manager *gulps*"
>"WITH WHOM DO YOU HAVE YOUR INITIATION RITES FELLOW BATTLE BROTHER? HAVE YOU BROUGHT WITH YOU THE SACRED OILS OF ANNOINTMENT FOR THE MACHINE SPIRITS IN OUR MANUFACTORUM"
>"Um... Mark Nicholson... and I don't know what that is. Is that made by Shell or Exxon-Mobil?"
>"PLEASE TAKE A SEAT IN THE ANTECHAMBER, I SHALL CONTACT HONOURED LIEUTENANT NICHOLSON ON THE VOX NETWORK AND HE SHALL BE WITH YOU FORTHRIGHT."
>"T-thanks."
*dials on giant titanuim telephone*
>"HELLO HONOURED BROTHER MARK THE SOFT FELLOW ASPIRANT OF TECHMARINE ADEPT HAS COME FOR HIS INITIATION CEREMONY. HE DID NOT BRING THE OILS. SHALL I ADMINISTER THE EMPEROR'S MERCY?"
>*nods a few times*
>"YES. NO. YES. I AM UNCERTAIN. OF COURSE. I SHALL SEND HIM UP POSTHASTE."

>>60996480
What book?

>>60985974
>Coworkers invite Space Marine to party
>Space Marine starts socializing
>"Fred, what do you do when you are off work?"
>"Oh well not much I sometimes play World of Warcraft."
>"What is that?"
>"Oh well it's a MMO RPG and you get to play as a bunch of races"
>"Which race?"
>"Oh well I play as an Orc"
>Space Marine kills coworker for being a traitor

>>60985974
>office slut comes to work the next day
>walking like she just gave birth
Hey Mr marine, didn't Karen go home with you last night?
>'Yes brother, she showed me how to engage in "the sex".'
>'it was enjoyable.'

>>60996891
>guy who talks to Fred's dialogue isn't in all caps
>clearly not the space marine
>thus we can assume that brother Gilt War the Second was watching from the ceiling and bodyslammed Fred out of existence

>>60996927
Can we all just start calling each other brother offline? We'd all get along so much better if we did I think.

>>60996944
agreed

>>60996979
Thank you brother.

>>60996992
no poblem brother

>>60996998
problem*

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>>60988204

>>60997036
Why is emps blushing and got worms on him?

>>60997059
He is being nibbled on by squiggly beasts. Presumably it tickles.

>>60997067
IT'S CREEPY. GET A THUNDERHAWK.

>>60996927
How WOULD a spess marine react to being repeatedly prepositioned by Karen from then on anyway?

>>60997101
>How WOULD a spess marine react to being repeatedly prepositioned by Karen from then on anyway?
RESTRAIN YOURSELF, SISTER.

>>60997101
Depends, space marines either have no sex drive or one that's under their control from hypnotherapy and other indoctrination elements.
So... I guess largely "I'm flattered but no". Though some marines/chapters will go up to "Well I do like you, and if you're think you can take it.."

>>60997131
They've already fucked. Seems he didsomethingright if she keeps propositioning him

>>60996632
Kek

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>>60985974
The CEO of a rival office staples firm visits for proposed merging of the companies.

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>>60998498
Hr state he must respect their religious practice.

>”Mr Atreus?””
>*Wheels around in huge office chair*
>”AH, THE EMPEROR PROTECTS INQUITOR, MY FLOOR HAS ALREADY BEEN PURGED OF HERETICAL MATERIAL THIS CYCLE.”
>”well actually, that’s what I’m here about. You see, John has a problem with you invading his personal space and removing his desk figerines”

>>60996372
bump

>>60985974
>THERE IS NO TIME TO BE LOST! OFFICE-BROTHERS!
>SPACE ADEPTS, TODAY, HARD TIMES ARE AT OUR DOOR! WE KNOW OUR DUTY AND WE WILL DO IT! WE WORK FOR OUR HONOR, AS KRIN HOUSEHOLD, AS ADEPTS, AND WE WORK IN THE NAME OF THE EMPEROR!
>IF WE FAIL AT PROFITS THIS DAY, WE LOSE OUR PROFESSION IN GLORY. WE WILL LOSE OUR JOBS HEROICALLY! BUT WE SHALL NOT LOSE OUR PROFESSION, NO, IT IS THE COMPETITOR WHO WILL TASTE FAILURE AND DEFEAT! AS YOU KNOW, MOST OF OUR ADEPTS ARE STATIONED AT THEIR COGITATORS, PREPARED TO DEEP STRIKE!
>OUR PERIMETER HAS BEEN PREPARED IN THE EVENT THAT OUR COMPETITORS SHOULD BE SO BOLD AND SO FOOLISH! WE HAVE PLACED NUMEROUS BEACONS, ALLOWING FOR MULTIPLE, SIMULTANEOUS AND DEVASTATING DEFENSIVE DEEP SELLS.
>THE CODEX ASTARTES NAMES THIS MANEUVER "STEEL SELL". WE WILL DESCEND UPON THE COSTUMER, WE WILL PROVIDE THEM MOST EXCELLENT, WE WILL LEAVE NONE UNSATISFIED! MEANWHILE, OUR GROUND FORCES WILL ENSURE THE FULL DEFENSE OF OUR MANAGEMENT
>WE ARE THE HOUSE KRIN! WE ARE THE EMPEROR'S FURY!

>>61002309
Glorious

bump

>>60985974
>Wouldn't know how to work the copier or the coffee machine
>Lights a bunch of incense and mutters about needing the techmarine when he tries to reply to office intramail
>In the HR office all the time for making racial comment's
>Kills the HR manager for being trained by chaos
7/10, not a team player but more pleasant to be around than most colleagues.

>>60985974
If Marines are a stuffy cubicle farm, does that make Tau flashy and shiny Silicon Valley startups?

>>60990232
Take me out back, and give me The Emperor's Mercy, for I have failed.

>>60985974
>How would a Space Marine fare in a modern-day office setting?
well he wouldn't fit into any troop transport let alone an ac-130 so not sure how he gets to battle. he could presumably slav-ride an armored vehicle. his armor is only good up to heavy machine guns. auto-canons would rip him to shreds. other than that against regular infantry pretty good. rpg-s and grenade launchers would be the biggest threat from infantry that could fuck up his day. he would run out of ammunition on the first day and then he would either go melee or try pick something up. doubt he could operate a weapon with those gloves on.

>>60985974
Actually, wouldn't Guilliman benefit the imperium more so by making an army of super desk workers? Like super soldiers are important and all, but the logistics and paperwork is such a huge thorn in the Imperium's war. I think making something like the desk worker equivalent of space marines would be of huge benefit, and more importantly once you make them they'll probably be able to stay in place much, much longer.

>>61002967
Tau is simply Apple.
Kinda shitting the bed now their revered leader is dead, slick mass market appeal, actually kinda bad at high end stuff

>>61003543
>desk worker equivalent of space marines
that's pretty much what savant scribes are
there is a vast legion of them already

>>61003543
Well, the Imperium has autosavant Sages with Cortex Implants.

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While it would be funny to assume the marine as the typical battlefield meathead in the office, you must not forget one thing, brothers! Marines have high levels of intellect and adaptability combined with their superhuman body and overpowering zeal. So if, for some strange twist of fate, a space marine would end up in an office scenario he would strive to excel and adapt to offer the best service he can give. For giving anything less would be a disservice to the emperor.

Now, there are chapters more suited for this scenario than others. Blood angels or flesh tearers wouldn't work well, i think. Maybe black templars (reclusiarch Grimaldus was a total bro for example) or the Salamnders for genuinely caring about their human friends. Or maybe an Ultramarine who struggles to adapt with the completely new situation and the lack of applicable guidance from the codex? Not some stuck up idiot, someone like Captian Titus.

>>60996928
But how did he climb the wooden stairs? Truly, the Emperor works in mysterious ways

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>>61004667
The reason: A new planet appeared. Inquisition investigates. tech level 21st century earth. No corruption by chaos at first glance. No psykers. The populace even think they are holy Terra before the rise of the emperor. A tiny amount of people seem to know about the imperium however. A rogue techadept survived a crash landing on the planet and founded a company called GW to prepare the world for the emperors arrival. Several inquisition agents are sent to investigate, including Brother Silvas, currently helping Inquisitor Horstmann.

>We know this is not really your forté, Brother, but your perspective will be invaluable.
>First level infiltration has prepared a position for you in a large data distribution centre.
>We prepare the planet for assimilation into the Imperium, using that small emperor-knowing sect as a bridgehead
>At this early junction you must remain as inconspicious as possible. You are just a young man fresh from his fathers farm, exploring the big city.

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>>61004798
>>61004798
Brother Silvas stood before the large skyscraper. It did not match up the mighty hives he had seen and fought in. It was tiny in comparison. Yet, this would be his new proving ground. Success meant bringing this world into the fold. Why did they not send a preacher, or the Sisters? He shut his eyes and stopped his line of thought. Asking too many questions had brought him to work as "liasion" to the inquisition in the first place.

The doors parted silently before him. Quiet and efficient, without the pomp, decoration and incense of the Mechanicus. This world would change greatly.

It was a large entry hall. A woman looked up from a desk in the centre of the room and eyed him. She seemed unsure for a moment before her usual smile took over.

"Hello. This is FutureMove Inc. How may I help you today?"
"Greetings. I am Brot- I am Silvas. This is my first posting. I am nervous."

Yes, nervous, the inquisitor had said. Be humble. Be harmless. This could work.

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>>61004939
"Allright. Please go on through the elevator to my left to the third floor. We've had a few new candiates here today. You'll meet with them and things will go on from there."

"Understood." For a moment his mouth moved to add, "for the Emperor" to his senctence, but he caught himself in time. Religion could be a touchy subject on this planet, the inqisitor said.

The elevator moved as quietly as the outer doors. It was lightly unnerving. He calmly reticed the third Psalm of Duty. He would know no fear.

Several other individuals mingled near a table with cheap plastic cups fed by a small water dispenser. That detail could be important, later. Watch for the little details, the inquistor had instructed.

All eyes were on him. The clothing Horstmann had called "business appropriate" stretched over his superhuman physique. The thin white fabric of the shirt failed to hide his monstrous strenght. Skinpaint hid his black carapace and his interface slots.

Just a farmboy. Hulk farmboy.

>>61003947
>>61004046
Primaris versions then. Always could use better desk workers.

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>>61005146
He moved towards the dispenser to overplay the opressive silence. The cup felt tiny in his hands. He would not need water for several days. Play pretend.

"So you're one of the new guys, eh?" A lanky man in a cheap suit adressed him. He pretended to be not overly interested, but his eyes were hungry. Hungry, like the eyes of the Dark Eldar Homuncolous that almost cost him his life 72 years ago.

At least there seemed to be no soul-draining involved.

"Yes, that I am. And you are?" He offered. The man lazily shrugged.

"Fresh meat for grind. Just like you."

"i see. Then it would be prudent to stick together."

"Ehhh... Maybe. If that someone can be trusted."

"He who stands with me, shall be my brother." Salvus stated and offered his hand. The man reluctantly shook it.

"My brothers often say. I have many." He quickly corrected his folly. By the emperor, this cloak and dagger stuff was demanding!

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>>61005344
A door opened and a hush fell over the crowd. Salvus was thankful for this. It overplayed his mishap. A man in a suit came out and read something from a piece of paper.

"Hannigan. Salvus." Then he looked expectantly at the crowd. No one moved. What was happening?

"That'd be us, Sir!" His sleazy new battlebrother remarked.

"Then come right this way." The man stated and pointed at the corridor behind him.

"Better not keep our new benefactors waiting, eh Brother?" He stated, lazily. Everything he did had a strange lazy sleaziness to it. Sleaze, that would be his nickname.

"Indeed, Brother."

The walked past several doors and were seperated by a quiet, handweaving man at the end of the corridor. He motioned Silvas to the left and they seperated without a word. Sleaze disappeared behing a door while Silvas waited for what would come.

Minutes passed. The man simply stared ahead. Like a servitor. Lifeless, waiting. More minutes passed.

>>60985974
>Ultramarine - Always an employee of the month. Does everything by the book and get praised by the boss, but very bad at socializing with a co-workers due to his boring personality.
>Salamander - Was hired only for diversity quota, but turned out to be actually competent. Bros with everyone in the office.
>Iron hand - the ultimate tech support. Always there when something breaks. Also an part time electrician.
>Dark Angel - somehow even more socially akward. No one knows what is his job in the office.
>Raven Guard - Never shows up at his workplace. Still somehow manages to do his job.
>Imperial Fist - More conserned about cosmetic improvement of the building .
>Blood Angel - More about cosmetic improvement of everything else. Also a giant coffee addict.
>Black Templar - fired at first day for damaging literally everything.
> Crimson fist - He is just kinda there...

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>>61005519
Salvus wondered how long that man could stand there, like a statue. Few mortals came even close to his endurance, but this man just might. Pictures danced in his idling mind. The man standing watch over the old, dusty halls even in death, with a servitors gleam in his eyes.

A door opened and his head snapped to it like a boltgun. The man inside the door froze like a grox caught in a headlight. Moments passed. Then he cleared his throat and beckoned Silvas inside.

There seven of them and the table was almost arranged like the hated symbol of Khorne. A bad omen. A single chair stood there. He slowly sat down, mindful of his weight.

"Mr. Silvas Ultras. Seventh son of Hammel Ultras. Your CV doesn't mention any office experience. What makes you think you have what it takes?" A woman read from a screen without looking up. She sounded bored.

Be honest and direct. Bold. Have faith. Have confidence, the inquisitor mentioned. What was a CV anyway? This new battle-cant was unfamiliar.

"My lack of experience is my strength. I can be freshly and quickly molded to fulfill any task."

I wonder how often space marines go to things like tech support. I wonder if their ego even allow for asking for assistance

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>>61005688
"Officework is not the same as farmwork." The woman replied.

"That is true. It requires strength of mind and a clear purpose. I believe this holds true here, as well."

"The only time you left the farm was a tour of duty with the Marines. Afghanistan? iraq? How does that compare?" The woman looked up and seized his eyes. He had to think. What would his Brothers do? What would his Primarch do? What would the codex advise?

Heresy grew from idleness. It was time to forge ahead and gain the initiative.

"That is correct. My Brothers and I fought on many different... places and in various scenarios. We worked together to cover each ones weak spots. Through that teamwork we overcame any enemy and gained glorious victories for the Emperor."

"Ah yes, the Emperor. A small christian splinter group, yes?" Her eyes were sharp as those of Eldar Wych. "Would you say those victories were for your Emperor, for your Nation, or for Democracy?"

Damn her for insinuating things and twisting his words! A single bead of Sweat formed on his brow. He had not studied the current Nations history much.When in doubt, Charge!

"All there together. The Emperor guides us all, whether we acknowledge it or not. But we would be incomplete without the ability to question, to doubt. The codex gives much wisdowm, but cannot offer answers to every question. In those times, the Nation offers guidance, in turn steered by the will of the people."

The six men remained pensive, analyzing his every word.

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>>61005929
"And what would your weaknesses be?" One of them spat forth. His head swiveled to him like the turret of a tarantula sentrygun.

"My youth. I was a mere Initiate for longer than some of my other Brothers. The amount of new information was overwhelming at times." That was only partially true. He was several hundreds of years old. His implantation process had been more timeconsuming than usual, though.

"Sometimes I wanted to charge ahead too rashly. But fortunately, one of my Brothers was always there to calm me when needed. Both at home, and in war.

"And you realize that we are a business, not a warzone? We generate profit, we do not kill."

"Yes. But is a successfull war not a generation of profit as well?" He offered with a light nod. "From destruction, new, fresh seeds can take root."

Silence followed. He eyed the people. Some took notes, some thought and two quietly talked. His advanced ears allowed him to listen in:
"Difficult religion... don't want him to shoot up the place..." "Just needs some guidance, seems motivated. Contract termination?" "Too many technicalities!"

The woman suddenly looked up from her newspaper and adressed him directly: "That's all for now. You may wait outside in reception area at the elevator."

He nodded and moved out. As he closed the door the sensation of plastic in his hand entered his mind. He looked down. The cup was pressed into tiny and sharp pieces. One of them had drawn a trickle of blood.

He felt drained, as if he had failed an important excercise. But there could be no doubt. He was a Space Marine and he knew no fear.

Suddenly, the stale tepid water dispenser seemed very tempting.

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>>61006189
Sleaze waited for him at the water dispenser. He looked tired as well. It was reassuring that the man could have another mode of existance. His shirt was opened and his tie loose. He offered Silvas a cup of water. He accepted it with a quiet nod and drank deep. Two, there more followed.

"Glad to see I'm not the only who is parched here, Brother, eh?"

"Yes. This proved... exhausting."

"Yeah, I had five guys and to chicks. The women were the worst. Had a look like, Jesus I dunno..." He trailed off, lightly shivering.

"Have faith Brother. Everythign else will come and go, but Faith remains." He spoke and carefully put a hand of Sleaze's shoulder.

"Faith. Huh... Things always seem easier when you think of some magic man in the sky looking down on you all proud, huh?" He managed a weak smile. Salvus smiled back in return. Sleazed pulled himself back to his full height and straightened his clothes. Like a rallied Guardsman straightened his kit.

How long ago was it now? The last time He had heard that little speech from his Chaplain's lips? How long was the man dead now? More than twohundred years, at least.

Time passed. People came and left, all looking drained. Maybe some souldrain was at work here, after all?

The servitor-statue-man thing walked up to them and offered each of them a small, grey envelope.

"These are your papers. You're both in telephone IT-Support for now. If you want the job, come back tomorrow at eight sharp."

Silvas felt pride and clapped Sleaze on the back. The man almost fell over.

"Faith. Like I said. Just have to have Faith."

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>>61005688
>>61005929
>>61006189
>>61006399
>>61005519
>>61005344
>>61005146
>>61004939
>>61004667

I hope some of you enjoy reading this. I now realize there are a couple mistakes than I would have liked. Gonna go to sleep now. If you guys like it, I could write up some more tomorrow.

Have fun.

>Tfw new ideas for Salvus and Sleaze already spin around in my head

>>61005344
dat pic... i never considered they may use butane for pepper spray drive gas. what a wonderful idea...

>>61005890
I think Space Marines would be trained to be humble enough to ask for help, it would make them more efficient.

>>60986070
Sauce Boss?

>>61006450
I love this so much and I love you. Please continue greentexting.

Bumpan.

>>61006450
Enjoyed this read very much!

>>60985974
I seem to remember a short story from a BL writing competition about a scribe who turned out to be a Space Marine that had brain damage too severe to keep fighting. The twist was something along the lines of him reading about heroic deeds a Marine had accomplished without realizing that he was reading about his past self.

Was kind of sad in a nice way.

>>61006450
Bloody great, keep it up my man this is gold

>ESTEEMED AND HONOURED SALES ITERATOR GREG, MAY I BORROW YOUR PRINTER?
>Y-Yeah sure Titus.. You settling into the new job ok?
>IT IS MY DUTY TO THE EMPEROR, BROTHER. I DO THIS FOR MANKIND. THE SLAVES OF CHAOS SEEK TO UNDERMINE US WITH THEIR LOW PRICES, I SHALL DELIVER THEM A SWIFT DEATH.
>H-Haha yeah.. Y-You can keep the printer I'll get a new one haha..
>THANK YOU BROTHER. I WILL NOT FORGET THIS, WHEN THE FORCES OF CHAOS COME FOR THIS WORLD YOU SHALL HAVE MY BOLTER. FOR THE EMPEROR, AND COMPETITVE PRICES!

>>61009850
>SALES ITERATOR GREG
If I ever have a title half that satisfying I will be an ever happier and more fulfilled man.

KNOW THAT I FOWARD THIS TO ACCOUNTING FOR THE EMPORER ALONE - NOT YOU.
THIS COMPANY IS DEGENERATE BACK WARD, AND DOES NOT DESERVE ME.
NONE THE LESS, I WILL FILE THIS REPORT TO ACCOUNTING WITH ALL MY EMPORER-CRAFTED HEART.

>>60994415
>think tank is the Mechanicus

>it's just a bunch of Magos hardwired into a Landraider in a semi-heretical collective mind
>also the Landraider has four times its normal firepower and void shields

>>61006450
MOOOAAAARRRR

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>THIS IS BROTHER SARN OF RECYCLABLES UNITED. I AM CALLING TO SPEAK WITH THE WAREHOUSE MANAGER FOR YOUR LOCATION.
>YES, I WILL HOLD. I AM AN IMPERIAL FIST.
>...
>...
>...
>THIS IS BROTHER SARN OF RECYCLABLES UNITED. I AM CALLING WITH REGARDS TO YOUR SHIPMENT OF LOW-DENSITY POLYETHYLENE FILM TO OUR LOCATION. YOUR QUALITY IS UNSATISFACTORY.
>THIS PURCHASING CONTRACT CLEARLY STATES THAT YOUR FACILITY IS CAPABLE OF PRODUCING GRADE ALPHA FILM IN QUANTITIES OF MORE THAN EIGHTY THOUSAND POUNDS PER WEEK, AND IS SCHEDULED ON A BIWEEKLY PICKUP AS AS RESULT. THE SHIPMENT OF FILM WE RECEIVED DOES NOT CLASSIFY AS SUCH, AND WAS SIGNIFICANTLY UNDER-WEIGHT.
>THERE WAS SIGNIFICANT METALLIC IMPURITIES, COMPRISING .5% OF THE BALE ON AVERAGE. YOUR SHIPMENT ALSO CAME IN AT THIRTY-NINE THOUSAND, SEVEN HUNDRED, AND TWENTY THREE POUNDS. THE CONTRACT QUITE CLEARLY STATES FORTY THOUSAND PER SHIPMENT.
>THIS LEVEL OF DEVIATION IS AN INSULT TO THIS COMPANY, AND MOST LIKELY STEMS FROM YOUR LACK OF DILIGENCE AS AN EMPLOYER AND YOUR ABILITY TO MOTIVATE YOUR WORKERS TO ATTAIN PROPER LEVELS OF QUALITY CONTROL.
>WE ARE THEREFORE TAKING CORRECTIVE ACTION OF CHANGING OUR PURCHASE PRICE FROM 9 CENTS PER POUND TO SEVEN CENTS PER POUND. WE ARE ALSO MOVING TO PURCHASE ALL STRATEGIC ASSETS UTILIZED BY YOUR VENDORS IN THE REGION, AND WILL BE TARGETING FOR ACQUISITION ALL PRIMARY VENDORS UTILIZED IN THE PRODUCTION OF YOUR PRODUCTS.
>IT IS MY HOPE THAT THIS LOSS OF PROFIT AND THE SHAME OF YOUR FAILURE WILL MOTIVATE YOU TO PERFORM BETTER IN THE FUTURE.
>REMEMBER, VIGILANCE IS THE FIRST TO BE SACRIFICED ON THE PATH TO CORRUPTION. I PRAY THAT THIS ERROR IS NOT INDICATIVE OF FURTHER FAILINGS ON YOUR PART.

>>61011093
I am so down for being a businessman now.

>>61011563
Don't be, it's fucking horrible

>>61011589
we can fix it brother!

I think it would be funny if there's one person in IT who actually knows what the space marine is and keeps trying to expose the space marine, but due to either diligence on the marine's part or just sheer luck, the evidence gets destroyed and the IT tech ends up getting sent to the HR office, probably because IT techs spend all their time in the basement.

>>61011894
So Invader Zim but Warhammer 40k

>>61011894
>he's wearing power armour the entire time.
>"Who? Brother Titus from Accounting? A space marine? Rubbish Geoff this is why Deb hates you."

Josh wanted a burger; but so does every man who's only got about $140 to his name. It wasn't the case that so much motivated Josh to desire a burger, but rather it was what he would rather settle with. It was either a cheap bun, pickles, onions, cheese, lettuce, tomato and meat all wrapped up for a buck and a half, or going home to sit for another grueling three minutes to what could only be considered "consuming" another pack of chicken flavored instant noodles. Josh was sick of it all, the air in his Corolla stank of musk and day sweat. Like other things in his life, Josh adjusted to these little disturbances, these inadequacies that plagued his day to day life with no sign of relenting. He coughed, and felt his stomach rumble as he pulled into the McDonalds drive through. Three cars waited ahead of him, a large SUV with a more than fat man barking out some cacophony at the microphone. Josh waited, and waited, each car moving ahead to the first window, red tail-lights burning into his eyes. Finally, he pulled up, pressing delicately on the gas until his car rolled to the microphone. He rolled down his window, and poked his head out slightly. The night was warm, and the humidity of the outside world hit him as if he had planted his face into a wall. The sickly glow of the menu sign made him slightly nauseous, but he was already here, Josh might as well just order and leave.
"Welcome to McDonalds, what can I get for you, my son?"

>>61012501
Josh froze. The speaker was crackly and poorly maintained, as every drive through speaker was, but the voice was as clear as someone standing before him. It was a deep, savory boom, something that felt ancient, a voice that demanded respect, and yet one that beckoned for following. The power, the power! A rush of joy, sadness, glee, anger, every emotion that Josh had ever felt ran over his entire being like a wash of cold water. He stared at the speaker, as if afraid to respond.
"Sir?"
Josh blinked. "S-sorry, I'll uh... uh, I'll..."
The speaker boomed to life. "Be calm, my son. Focus. Hone your thoughts. Order with a clear mind, and swiftly. There are many more who hunger behind you."
Josh felt overwhelmed. Tears began to stream down his face, staining his light blue shirt with fresh wet spots. Through stifled sobs, Josh ordered.
"I-I will have a-a double... a double cheeseburger, no, no make that a quarter p-pounder with cheese."
"You desire the fourth-pound meal? Or, perhaps, would you only desire the sandwich, my son?"
Josh's tears began anew. The voice was so commanding, so ancient and yet... ageless. It demanded he get the meal, to get the fries and the drink, and to be ashamed at the thought of driving away from this place with only a sandwich.
"Yes... yes!" Josh proclaimed. "I-I'll have a medium fry and a coke!"
"You chose well, my son."
Josh wiped a tear from his eye, smiling and yet still crying.
"Thank you."
"The cost for your feast is $6.38 my son. Proceed to the next window with haste."
"Yes, my lord!"
Josh ignored what he just said. It seemed natural enough, as if he was asked to say it. Josh pressed on the gas, speeding around the bend and pulling to the window. He looked up with wide eyes at the window, waiting to see who could have said that. The doors parted, and Josh began to cry again.

>>60985974
better question is surely: How would a space marine fanfare in a modern day office setting?

>>61012601
The giant behind the window looked down at Josh with steely blue eyes. His features were sharp, with taught, lightly-golden skin relaxed into a small smile. It was a face that screamed leader, conqueror; but to Josh, it proclaimed the name Father.
"Will you be paying for this meal in credit or in cash?"
Josh blinked through the tears, pulling out a ten dollar bill and guiding it with a shaky hand to the window. The giant smiled and reached out with a massive hand, taking the bill between his gigantic index finger and thumb. God had just accepted Josh's ten dollars, and was quickly and efficiently getting him three dollars and sixty-two cents in change. Josh couldn't breathe for a moment; he had forgotten how to.
"Your change, my son." The giant said. Josh felt another rush of tears driving forward from his face as he felt the blessed bills and coinage be placed into his hand, so gently and yet so formidably.
"T-Than-Than-"
The giant smiled. "It is okay, my son. Proceed to the next window, Joshua. Your meal awaits."
"Y-yes!" Josh sped to the next window. He didn't know how the giant knew his name, his full name at that, but he didn't care. His heart felt light, his head felt clear; a state of euphoria couldn't begin to describe how Josh was feeling at the moment. The smell of the car went away, the worries of going to his studio apartment went away; everything negative around Josh seemed to disappear in but a moment's glance. Stunned, he took his meal and drove away, efficiently and quickly grabbing his meal out of the bag, and began to eat his quarter-pounder with tears in his eyes and hope in his heart.

>>61011093
>YES, I WILL HOLD. I AM AN IMPERIAL FIST.
pffft

>>61012758
I WAS GONNA SAY THAT yeah that line is gold.

>>60986003

11 isnt possible in an office setting. I tried.

>>61005629
>White Scars - That guy with the expensive car that's ALWAYS in your parking space.

>>61012803
>car
Bike, but yes. Also is weirdly obsessed with racehorses.

>>61012790
11?

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>>61012501
>>61012601
>>61012701
>Roboute Grilliman

>>60988204

Man that pic takes me back.

Remember when being happy and joking around was common on this site? Before half the posters left high school and crashed and burned?

>>61006450
please keep going!

>>61012960
An anon prophesied near the start of the year that 2018 would be the year of TG's renewal. Since then I've noticed an increase in greentexts, and things like this thread have sprung up even more recently so have hope and faith anon.

>>60987937
The Imperial Guard would be the Warehouse Workers/ Janitorial Staff with the Commisar as acting Supervisor.

>JANITOR SMITH, YOU MISSED A SPOT.
>I'm sorry Commi- *BLAMMED*
>THE EMPEROR WILL NOT ACCEPT SLOPPY CLEANING HABITS YOU DOGS.

>>61013039

I am not the anon, but I have a prediction of my own to make. The board is going to get something nice for Christmas, old writefags will come back and gift us new content. Calling it now.

>>61012930
Should I do more Fast Food Primarch stories?

>>61013084

I wouldn't mind a few

>>61013084
Dude.
Look at me.
LOOK AT ME.
YES.

>>61013095
>>61013094
SO IT SHALL BE

>>61013106
PRAISE BE.

>>61013106

Do a different Primarch though, Bobby G is great and all, but lets get some variety. Like one of the ones thought of as being physical leading a sports team or something.

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>>61013084
Emprah Burger?

>>61005629
>Lamenters - The tired, overwork employee who knows he will be layed off soon, still comes to work with a smile on his face everyday despite his computer is almost dead, he has 60 Accounting Reports due in at a lunch break he will no doubt spend in the Boss's office getting chewed out, and is the favorite target of the Office Bully.

>>61013039

I'd like that, but as long as we have mad as fuck psychoposters and polfags we will not see peace

>>61013139
>as long as we have shameless leftists trying to normalize their agenda on tg
Stop shooting and they'll stop shooting back. It's not hard.

>>61013162
That doesn't work.
/pol/ are modern furries who inject their shit in everything they can.

>>61013182

They'd probably accuse the left leaning crowd of being the same thing. Frankly I want both to leave so nice reasonable middle ground people can enjoy doing shit like talking about space marines in a modern office setting, but that shit just won't fly.

>>61013224
How about we stop talking about it now then?

>>61013278

I'd love to, for the record not the anon who was having this discussion above, just felt the need to chime in.

So I'm trying to picture an Astartes in the cubical next to mine giving the idiots we call customers financial advice, but I just can't seem to get dialogue working for it.

They were late. Again.
Sophia smacked her lips and looked back down at her phone, scrolling through her blogs, her messages, anything to pass the time. This day of the week was Sophie's special day with her girlfriends. Tuesday was the date, iHop the location. It was always iHop, nothing else would make do. The sweet mixture of cheap pancakes and horrible coffee made the passion in her friends shit-talking that much more fun to participate in. Sophie smacked her lips again, pulling the hair out of her face with a bent finger. She tapped her high-heels impatiently, and huffed. Going for her phone, Sophie sent out a flurry of texts. The victim of the message barrage was Qashiqua.
>where r u
>bich calm down were comin
>ive been waitin like 10 mins!!!!
>were almost there
>hurry up
>bitch shush
Sophie smacked her lips again. She scooted herself in the iHop booth, growing more irritated and uncomfortable. Suddenly, the front door bell ringed. Sophie shot a look towards it, putting on a fake smile to hide her anger towards her friends. Quashiqua walked in first, her rich dark skin contrasting with her bright neon lipstick. Her hair, a large poofy afro, scraped against the top of the doorframe.
"Sooophieeee!" Quashiqua squealed loudly. She shuffled over to Sophie in her tall heels. Sophie stood-up, returning the squeal with a similar screech. Sandra followed afterward, covering her ears preemptively. Her pale skin contrasted with her dark hair as much as Quashiqua's skin did with her makeup, sunken eyes and frown-lines telling of another wild night. She smelled like shit, but frankly, all three of them smelled like an ungodly mix of hair-spray, alcohol, drugs, and other abhorrent things.
"GIRRRRL! I'm so sorry we were late, we were held up in traffic! I had to honk at some boy's bitch-ass for cuttin' me off!" Quashiqua started. Sophie laughed, hiding her anger under a forced ah-hah.
"Well, girls, why don't we get ourselves a table?"

>>61013294
Got it.

How on earth did they fit him in the cubicle?!?!?
>They built the cubicle, nay, the entire office building around him!

>>61013294

Clearly he'd be better off talking about spending money. How else can they make it Rehn Monay!

>>61013323

My team actually just recently got moved from the (much nicer) second floor, to the bottom floor. I kind of want to make a joke about it being because our new team member couldn't use the stairs or the elevator and talking with hr.

Our cubicles are pretty damn open actually, So I bet we could get a space marine in one of the double's by removing the mini dividing wall.

>>61013350
That sucks dude. Why'd they move you? Also why couldn't your new member use the stairs or elevator?

Like how big?

>>61013383

We got moved because we were shifted onto a different project under a different manager. The shift had nothing to do with a member of the team, but seeing as we are in a thread about space marines in offices and there's that joke about stairs in 40k I was saying I kind of want to do a green text about that.

>>61013410

That specifically being imagining having a space marine coworker in the cubicle across from me who everyone knows is the reason for the move but no one wants to say it because he's FUCK HUEG and intimidating.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3A0sBB8__eg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NwTtHSRSy1U

>>60986016

That why you stack the bodies of traitors and foul xenos. They will more than support the weight of a noble marine.

>>61013430
>"Brother."
>"You should have seen this coming."
>"Yes."
My sides. I'm dying.

>>60985974
Well played.

>>61013310
Sophie walked beetle-ishly towards the front counter. A tired, middle-aged woman looked down at her desk, as if wondering where it all went wrong. She looked up, changing her expression with minimalistic effort.
"Table for three?"
Sandra huffed. "Duh."
The woman stared at her for a moment, a quick flash of a glare coming in and coming out in but a second. She turned, grabbing three menus and walking into the main dining area. The trio followed, Sophie first and Sandra last. They made their way to the table, catching the irritated eyes of some as they passed. Quashiqua glared back, snarling at some. Most went back to enjoying their microwaved pancakes, while some just stared back.
The woman sat the trio down at a booth. Sandra shuffled in on one side, while Sophie and Quashiqua set up on the other.
"Someone'll be here when you're ready to order, mmkay?"
"Okay, thayynks" Sophie replied, snark slotted between each syllable. The waitress sighed and walked away. Moments later, and Sophie and Quashiqua already started talking about some trivial things, such as who they would blow, who they have fucked, and who'd they think would be hosting the hangout next friday. Booze, drugs, styles, dating; all of it came out in a flurry, with the usual minimal interjection from Sandra. They all looked haphazardly at their menus, more-so wondering what they could settle with rather than what they wanted to order. Sophie planned on ordering what she always ordered; Vanilla Spice shortstack, with eggs. No sausage, no bacon, no meat. Quashiqua was a character of variety, and would always blindly pick something off of the menu. Today, it was the Southwest Scramble with white toast. Sandra didn't feel so well, and was trying to slick by any kind of food. What she wanted now was an espresso and a handful of advil.
It was the stomping that shut them up. All three of the girls quieted themselves as a pair of heavy feet trudged its way to their booth.

>SIR I STRONGLY SUGGEST YOU DIVERSIFY YOUR INVESTMENTS, YOUR FINANCIAL POSITION IS WEAK AND UNCERTAIN IN THE FACE OF A DETERMINED ASSAULT. IF THIS STOCK DEVALUES YOUR FISCAL MIGHT WILL BE BROKEN. WE MUST REINFORCE YOUR PORTFOLIO WITH CONTINGENCY INVESTMENTS.

>COWARDICE IS WEAKNESS, A SLAVE TO FEAR EARNS NO GREAT VICTORY, YOU MUST ACCEPT THAT SOME STOCKS WILL FALTER, BUT THAT THE PORTFOLIO WILL HOLD AND THE WAR FOR PROSPERITY WILL BE WON IN TIME.

>>61013512
>w-what can I do then si-my lord?

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>>60985974
>I'm not happy, Seraphiel. NOT. HAPPY.

>>61013039
Indeed. This was the year that brought us much splitting of sides with the battles of Cold Shoulder and Dominus Pillowus. We stand at the cusp of a new Golden Age for /tg/

>>61013631
>WHY ARE YOU UNHAPPY...

I'm now trying to imagine a Space Marine hired as a janitor at an elementary school... The horrors that await him...

>>61013507
SHOW THEM YOUR "HAPPY FACE" ANGRON! YOU'LL GET A BETTER TIP!

>>61013581

>FIRST YOU MUST ESTABLISH YOUR STRONGHOLD. A BASTION OF FINANCIAL SAFETY FROM WHICH YOU CAN STAGE FUTURE MONETARY CAMPAIGNS

>THIS IS ACCOMPLISHED BY INVESTING IN DIVERSE OPTIONS WITH SOLID RATES OF RETURN AND LOW CHANCE OF FAILURE. THESE WILL NOT EARN YOU GREAT RICHES AND GLORY, BUT THEY WILL BE A BEDROCK YOU CAN FALL BACK ON WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS. A ROCK THE FORCES OF CHAOS IN THE MARKET CANNOT OVERCOME

>WITH OUR STRONGHOLD ESTABLISHED IT IS TIME TO BEGIN CONQUERING THE MARKET FOR GREATER PROFITS IN THE NAME OF THE EMPEROR

>YOU MUST READ THE MARKET LIKE A GENERAL READS THE FLOW OFF BATTLE, SEEING WHERE COMPANIES WANE AND WHERE THEY WAX STRONG, AND WHEN YOU HAVE DIVINED AN OPPORTUNITY YOU MUST STRIKE SWIFTLY AND WITH THE FORCE OF GREAT FINANCIAL BACKING.

>WHEN YOUR FALTER, AND THEY WILL FALTER FOR WE ARE BESET BY THE HORRID FORCES OF CHAOTIC FLUCTUATIONS IN THE FREE MARKET, YOU MUST ACT SWIFTLY TO SAVE WHAT YOU CAN BY CALLING A RETREAT FROM THAT STOCK BEFORE ALL IS LOST.

>DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE DECEIVED BY THE CLEVER TRAPS OF THE ENEMY, THEY WILL ATTEMPT TO MAKE SUB PAR INVESTMENTS APPEAR MORE APPEALING THAN THEY TRULY ARE. TRUST IN THE EMPEROR AND YOUR FINANCIAL ADVISOR, AND AVOID THE PITFALLS THAT THOSE CORRUPTED BY FALSE TRUTHS WILL TRY TO STEER YOU TOWARDS. JUST AS YOUR FRIENDS DO NOT SPEAK FOR THE EMPEROR, AND YOUR FAMILY DOES NOT SPEAK FOR THE EMPEROR, AND AN "EXPERT" ON THE INTERNET DOES NOT SPEAK FOR THE EMPEROR THEY SHOULD NOT SPEAK ON YOUR FINANCES. LOOK TO YOUR FINANCIAL ADVISER FOR THE WORD ABOUT YOUR FINANCES, AS YOU WOULD LOOK TO A CHAPLAIN FOR THE WORD OF THE EMPEROR.

>>61013747

>PARDON ME SIR, I SAID WHEN YOUR INVESTMENTS FALTER. MY HEADSET APPEARS TO HAVE CUT OUT.
*an aside to the agent in the next cubical over*
>SOMEONE SUMMON BROTHER PHILIPUS FROM TECH SUPPORT, MY VOX MALFUNCTIONS.

>>61013507

it's going to be Fulgrim isn't it. Or maybe Sanguinus. One of the pretty boys for the thots to gush over.

>>61013848
Maybe Rogal? He doesn't take shit from anyone.

>>61013864

...Ok that could be pretty fucking funny actually. we'll have to wait and see what write bro goes with.

>>61013882

wait, i'm fucking retarded it's Angron, it's in the name. Fuck, those bitches are going to get destroyed.

> Titus, I need to talk to you. In my office.
> VERY WELL.
> Please... Hum... Attempt to close the door.

> Titus, I am afraid that, due to recent complains and events I personally witnessed, I have to suspend you for a duration of two weeks.
> I DO NOT UNDERSTAND BROTHER. HAVEN'T I GONE FURTHER THAN THE CALL OF DUTY? HAVEN'T I BROUGHT THE WRATH OF THE EMPEROR UPON THE CORRUPTION OF THE SLOWING DEMAND?
> Yes. But this is team work. I need everyone to be working at full potential and its not something that can be achieved when aggressive tone, let alone violent language, is used between colleagues.
> YOU HAVE SPOKEN TO SISTERS KAREN AND MICHELLE. IDLENESS LEADS TO HERESY. AND ENVY.
> See? This is what I'm talking about. Look. Take a break. Come back in when you've cooled down.
> BROTHER, IT IS I WHO MUST WARN THEE. SUFFER NOT THE BITCH TO LIVE.

>>61013892
It'll be glorious watching those THOTs getting obliterated by SUPERIOR CUSTOMER SERVICE as delivered by Big E's angriest boi. Rogal would be hilarious, though.

>>61005629
>Blood Ravens - "What do you mean with 'The second floor is missing'?"

>>61005629
>Space Wolves - No dogs allowed.

>>61005629
>Minotaurs- The office asshole everyone hates but wont do shit cause they're in good with the boss.

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He'd be the office linebacker

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>>61013747
This is the first time I feel like a finance advisor is really honest with me. No bullshit, no trying to to sell me dumb shit, no stuff for his own provision, just the plain, unaltered truth. In colored battle-cant. And shouting.

But I would honestly rather having a space marine in a creaking chair yell at me like this than have some snarky snake oil salesman try to seduce into buying shit.

>>61006450
Will you namefag?

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>>61014174
No i won't. 90% of people who namefag end up with overblown egos. There are a few productive exceptions, but I would rather not tempt fate.

Onwards with Salvus and Sleaze!

They parted with a shake of hands and Salvus made his way outside. Paying the bus driver was a novel concept for Salvus and he took great pride in how easily the driver accepted his money and put his attention to driving.

The ride was good. It lacked the beauty and anticipation of a Thunderhawk landing but offered the chance for introspection and observation. The central district slowly gave way to the middle habitation ring.

The apartement block was so nondescript, its features were already slipping from his brain after entering through the front door. How did the inquisition manage that?

His habitation unit was luxurious compared to his cloister sleep quarters. A single room of 20 square meters and a toilet with a shower. How could these people spare so many resources for this kind of frivolous living?

He quickly laid the documents unto the pictrecording device and recited the rites of sending. The inquisitor would be pleased.

Then he opened a vox channel to Horstmann.

"Objective achieved. Beachhead secured. Further scouting strikes will begin tomorrow. Potential recruit for initiation found. Will advise tomorrow."

Afterwards he found himself rather hungry and ate a local meal of "Mac and Cheese." He found it gaudy and overly luxurious, but it sated his hunger. Sleep followed quickly.

>>61005629
>Scythes of the Emperor: the IT guy always in the look for bugs. In his free time he runs a fumigation company
>Grey Knights: counter-industrial espionage; always one steap ahead

>>61014297
>GK
>also a bit full of themselves, some staffers miss the Exorcist who used to do the company's counter-espionage

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>>61014251
Salvus took care of his morning routine and, after kissing his Aquila medallion, made his way to work. He greeted the driver with a friendly nod and paid his dues. Salvus had learned that small measures such as this often had great positive impact on relations with normal humans. Maybe he was well suited to this role after all? The bus was full and many people stared at the stooping giant with unrestrained curiosity.

The reception woman greeted him with her typical fake smile to which he responded with a curt nod and a smile. Her face seemed to brighten just a fraction.

Sleaze awaited him at the entrance to the IT-Support departement. He offered Salvus his hand in greeting and a headset with his other hand.

"Rise and shine, Brother. Time to smell the ashes. Or the sweat and despair."

"We shall see. What have you found out?"

"Guy named Ricky is the techdude around here. Got the headsets from him. Seems alright, if a little arkward. Haven't met the boss yet. Dude named Ridolfo."

"Talking to the techpr- I mean 'techdude' would be a good start. Introductions matter."

"Techpriest? Heh. That guy sure worships the basement servers. Heard he even prayed to it one time before vacation. Didn't do him any good, the thin broke down third day into his vacation, I heard." Sleaze added and made to enter the room when they heard a startle intake of breath.

It was a short, lightly overweight man wearing black glasses. He intently stared at Salvus Aquila amulett and then into the Marines eyes. Salvus felt an electric jolt of recognition pass between them. The inquisitor would NOT be pleased.

>His face when the internet rumors on Xchan are true!

>>60988204
I was just gonna post this

>>60997101
There was a BL story in which a space marine (in the Deathwatch I think) trains with and showers with a woman. He admires her for her combat and physical abilities but truly doesn't recognise her as being physically or romantically attractive. Space marines simply are not sexual beings.

>>60996632
https://vocaroo.com/i/s0WywMUFpabs

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>>61014347
"You're Salvus? I mean, of course you're Salvus. Everybody's talking about you. Like, the giant and all. Ummm... I'm Ricky. Are you a Space Marine?" The man blurted out quickly.

Salvus had to think quickly. How could that man have seen through his disguise so quickly? What was he? Alpha legion? Spurned on by Eldar dickery? A spyker?

"Oh man nobody is gonna believe this. I knew the rumors were true. Like, a huge space object right behind Uranus. And the government is just like SHHHHH. O man, can I see your boltgun?"

Sleaze just snorted and laughed. "Oh geez. In some parts of town they'd say you're coming on real hard, Brother!"

Ricky's brow furrowed and his face was seconds away from turning into the patented "Insulted Mechanicus you WOT m8" face he had seen many a Techadept wear. This would not do. Salvus had to defuse the situation.

"I was a Marine, yes. Iraq. I do have a boltgun, too."

Ricky's face lit up like a youth on Emperor's gift day.

"I used it to bolt some extra armor plates on my... quad wheeled squad vehicle. Then I kept it. It is really useful at home.

Ricky's eyes turned to slits and he tilted his head just a fraction to the side. Faux pas averted, but suspicion gained. The Inquisitor would absolutely NOT be pleased.

"It was a pleasure meeting you, Ricky. But we must go to our stations now. We would not want to be too late on our first day, right, Brother?" He casually nodded at Sleaze while offering Ricky his hand.

The man shifted some of the hardware in his arms around and took Salvus hand. Hesitantly, at first, then with increasing conviction.

They amically parted ways. As Ricky turned away and began typing on a small comm device Salvus noticed something from the corner of his eye: A twinlinked lascannon sponson on a plastic model of the same grey colour as a network switch.

Salvus only hoped Horstmann would not send out the killteams on day one of his new job. That would be a new record.

>Ricky gonna get pic related?

>>60988345
>Hell is when the code monkeys are Tau, the human resources are necrons, the manager is an eldar, the think tank are space marines, the IT is an inquisitor and the CEO is a techpriest.
Filthy Xenos aside this could actually work:
The company militarises thanks to the Astartes insights and the Mechanicus drive while IT is used to keep the employees in line.
Once fully armed the company goes to war against it's competitors, raiding them for those sweet, sweet production templates.
>Today paperclips, tomorrow the world!

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>>61014423
They entered the large IT-Support room. Several cubicles lined the walls and a central one held the overseer, who stood up to greet them. He looked displeased.

"You're three minutes late on your first day, Please make sure this doesn't happen again. Sullivan. Follow me."

Sleaze took his hand first. "Yea sorry about that Boss. We met Ricky and, well, tried to get away, but it was a sticky situation." He offered.

The man chuckled. "Yeah he can be... sticky."

Salvus did not agree with shoving their new colleague to the frontlines of blame.

"It was my fault, Mr. Sullivan. I accidentally broke the main strut of my headset and sought replacement. I am not yet used to the... thin brittleness of plastic."

"Ah. Well I guess you don't have a lot of plastic on the farm or in the army huh? I understand. Follow me. You two will sit here, across each other. I will instruct you at first, then you will learn as you go. Take this flow diagramme."

They sat down and plugged in. Salvus chair was reeinforced with metal struts. He nodded approvingly.

"We had some professional Wrestling guy here for a while. Used to work here during tours. Was kinda funny when some people get personal, he would just say "I AM THE JUGGERNAUT BITCH". Man, we had a few good laughs on that. You might try some wrestling yourself, might be just your thing. My cousin hosts some small scale stuff on friday night. I can hook you up if you're interested."

Sleaze raised his eyebrow in his trademark interested fashion when Silvas answered: "I might do that. Sporting events are always good."

"Yeah, especially when you're working this kind of grind." Sleaze added. Before Mr Sullivan could reproach him, a red light began to flash on Silvas console. He pressed the button.

And here, the true perfidious madness, the true test of his Faith and mental fortitude began.

This is telephone support. Here there be Dragons. Here be Elder gods.

>mfw used to work telehpone support and direct retail myself

>>61013704
>YOUR customers MAKE me unhappy.

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>>61013848

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>>61013864
>>61013882

I hope someone is screencapping the adventures of Salvus and Sleaze. I would do it myself, but can't at the moment.

>>61003531
Can you read?

>>61014390
I enjoyed this, but it needed more yelling.

>>61014145
Cause you feel like you're in league right? Like he's in cahoots with you and explaining a plan he's put a lot of thought into.

>>61013507
This cannot go unfinished brother. You must continue without hesitation.

>pose the question of stairs Space Marines to my friends
>They just tell me they have jump jets
>I say "well let's take that out of the equation in the hypothetical"
>"Guys what if hypothetically the emperor was gay"
Why is imagination so far out of reach for these men
How do I play DnD with them
Sorry for blog

>>61013507
>>61015851
Verily.

>>61012475
>"OH COME ON! He's literally twelve feet tall and is wearing heavy set of armor underneath his business clothes! Who wears power armor to work!"

This thread makes the Adeptus Administratum proud.

>>61017599
>Who wears power armor to work!"
If I could I would.

>>61017599
>Who wears power armor to work!
You have no idea how a imperial office works.

>>61020750
>this
Hell, considering that stuff is climate controlled I'd wear it all the time.

>>61020916
>administratum-pattern carapace armor
>lightning auto-quill claws
>signet thunder hammers for really big purity seals
>fighting tzeentchian bureaucracy daemons
>scribe-centurions
>space marine librarians in a blackwatch style 'spellchecker' chapter

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>>60986027
>Space Wolf receptionist
IMAGINE

Bumping

>>61011563
>Buisnessmarine

>>60986070
Son of Zorn was amazing.

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>>61013893

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>>61013507
I do hope you finish. I want to read it. This thread has brought joy to my currently stressful life.

>>60987937
>Chaos Marines = Marketing
It's so very true it hurts. [Spoiler]it is a good pain[/spoiler]

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>>61014564
I will continue tomorrow. Have Faith Brothers.

>>61025958
we shall hold th line battle brother! hold fast, were making a writefag thread

>>60986104
>>60996632
This is gold

bump

>>60985974
Clearly ye's the underwaged, underappreciated security guard. Within a week he uses his meager pay to buy sheriff's hat and walks around d like ye owns the place. It's not like anyone's going to stop him. The CEO is getting tired of being called the Emperor of GeneriCorp, but cannot argue to dedication and loyalty his guard shows on the job. His peers are also annoyed as he makes them all look bad and it took a ton of convincing that no labor laws have been broken as the Marine works 24 hour shifts 7 days a week with only one 30 second break for a quick sandwich each day between guarding and prayer.

We don't talk about the break in last month. Our star guard was disciplined on self control and the janitor is still undergoing therapy after that clean up.

>>60986819
You have it all wrong
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yx61xeDV_60

>>61006450

Loved it mate

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thanks anons this thread is amazing genuinely put a smile on my face

>>61013084
damn it anon i think im gonna cry
we could all use someone like lord regent Grilliman

>>60996944
https://youtu.be/w5fkW5NZm9k
I already do this brother

>>61020916
Consider the fact that this is supposed to be modern day earth planet and he's walking around technologically advanced piece of armor.

bump

>>61013135
The Emperor bless those poor bastards.

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>>61024345
>>61017525
>>61015851
>>61013848
>>61013745
I NEVER LEAVE A PROJECT UNFINISHED

Quashiqua looked around, agape at her friends. She mouthed off a breathy "What the fuck" to the rest of the table. Sandra sat still, wide eyed and not breathing. Sophie felt a chill run up her spine. Quashiqua turned around in her booth seat, looking around. She shot back into her seat and sat still, eyes darting in fear to her friends.
"Quashi, what is-" Sophie started. Quashiqua shot her a fearful look, waving her hand in-front of her mouth. Her long leopard print nails almost brushed her lips.
The stomping came close, then stopped at the end of the booth. All three girls were concealed under a shadow, staring forward at each other, not blinking or moving. Sandra sat more still than the others, and yet tears were streaming down her pale cheeks in dark streaks.
"Are you prepared to order?"
Sophie choked. The voice was like stones grinding against each other, like a car crash followed by a train wreck. Filled with dread, she looked up at the waiter slowly. She began to cry.
He was massive, at least ten or twelve feet tall. His face was ragged, like an actual car crash. His small eyes shifted only slightly, but it was enough to make Sophie flinch. There was so much hatred in those eyes, so much anger. Sophie felt the breakfast she never had coming up from her stomach, breaking the glance and holding her petite stomach. She didn't notice Quashiqua trying to order her own breakfast, as bravely as she could have done.
"I w-would like to- no, I want the- no, i want-"
"INDECISIVE WHORE! ORDER!"
Quashiqua screeched, holding her hands in front of her face. She held it, before hearing a deep breath drawn by the giant. He spoke through gritted teeth.
"Order your food."
Sandra started sobbing. The giant looked towards her, his eyes widening and alight with angry fire. He slowly leaned down, inching his gigantic face closer and closer to Sandra's.
"What will you eat, whelp?"

>>61032956
Sandra began to loudly cry, eyes tightly closed. The giant became furious, lifting her out of her booth and shaking her violently.
"YOU CUNT! YOU WHORE! WHELP! WEAKLING! YOU COME TO AN EATERY TO EAT, NOT TO WEEP! ORDER! ORRRRDEEEER!"
"EGHHFUBUUUUHHH! COFFEEEEEE!" Sandra screamed through the shaking. The waiter thrusted her back into the booth seat. He violently reached into his curtain-sized apron and pulled out an oversized pad, going next for a pen the size of Sophie's emaciated forearm. He jotted down the order, and then shot a look towards Sophie.
"You. Order, now."
Sophie stopped for a moment, and took a deep breath.
"I would like a vanilla sp-spi-"
The giant stood still, glaring. Sophie swallowed.
"I would like the vanilla spice shortstack, please."
The giant snorted, jotting down the order. "At least you have the competency to speak full SENTENCES WHEN TALKING." He leaned down close to Quashiqua, shouting directly in her ear. Quashiqua tried covering her ear, but it was already too late. Surely, with that volume, Quashiqua was to never hear out of her left ear again. Through tears, she ordered.
"I want the southwest."
He wrote it down violently. "What toast, whelp?"
"White toast" Quashiqua quickly responded. He jotted that down too.
Sophie looked around at the rest of the iHop. All of the customers were staring at them, eyes wide. Children were crying, and all of the staff had seemingly retreated into the kitchen. The hostess at the front hid behind her kiosk, using it for potential cover. Sophie sat back straight as she noticed the giant's gaze moving back to her.
"Your food will be ready shortly."
"Than-thank you-" Sophie started.
"SILENCE!" The waiter yelled. He turned and stomped away towards the kitchen area. The murmuring from other customers started almost immediately, some shifting out of their seats and quickly retreating to the door. Others sat in their place, fearing death if they didn't finish scarfing down their shortstack.

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>>61013310
>>61013507
>>61032956
>>61033246
>HAVE A NICE DAY, RUNT!

>>61033246
They didn't say a thing to each other for fifteen minutes. Quashiqua looked down at her menu with a blank, almost corpse-like expression. Sandra was still in her little corner of her booth. Sophie wasn't sure if she was still alive. She gently picked up a fork and lightly tossed it in Sandra's direction. It hit her on the shoulder, and was responded to with a pained grunt. Sophie sat back down, staring into the cheap wood paneling of the booth's headrests. She wondered if everything that just happened really did happen, or if she had experienced a vivid day-dream turned nightmare. Her senses stiffened again as the familiar stomping returned to their table. She looked up to see the giant holding the plate-holder in one palm, picking up her plate of pancakes. He dropped it onto the table, the plate smashing into large chunks. Sophie could only look at the broken stack of pancakes laying atop a broken plate; she had no more voice for this. The giant threw down a small cup of whipped-butter, the cup slamming and then bouncing off of the booth table, throwing it's contents onto the sides of the booth. Next, he dropped another plate onto the table. That plate shattered too, shooting bits of spicy egg into every direction. Quashiqua didn't even flinch, her cheeked stained with a piece of egg and a pepper that were still sliding down. The giant looked down at Sandra, who was still curled up in the corner of the booth.
"Is she still alive?"
No one answered. Slowly, the giant took the small mug of black coffee and hovered it right above Sandra; he poured it in one graceful drop onto her pants. She groaned. The waiter then tossed the mug down, an audible clink emanating from her skull as the mug knocked against it. The waiter then folded his tray underneath his arm.
"Enjoy."
He turned and walked away. They were still quiet, with the exception of Quashiqua trying to separate the broken ceramic from her ruined Southwest Scramble.
Sophie didn't feel very hungry.

I wonder how a SM would react if one came to our world and found out about 40k.

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>>61033814
>>61033246
>>61032956
This was fucking GLORIOUS

What kind of restaurant would Rogal Dorn work at?

>>60987014
maybe if hes an ultramarine but what if he was a lamenter or something

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>>61033814
Gods, that was good. If you feel like it, could we get another? Perhaps magnus or yiff daddy?

>>61034377
How does a Texas Roadhouse sound?

>>61035072
>Implying he doesn't work as an Architect
It's like you don't even fortify

>>61035072
That sounds... Amazing, actually. Being a Texan, I may be just a bit biased...

>>61035136
He can fortify the flavor of a ribeye steak to a degree that your feeble mind cannot fathom.

>>61035152
>fortify the flavor of a ribeye steak to a degree that your feeble mind cannot fathom.
You had my curiosity
Now, you have my Erection

>>61035136
>>61035137
ill get on that tomorrow goodnight

bump

>>60985974
If the Emperor turned the quadrillions of office workers into dedicated astartes superhuman warrior monks then the logistics of the Imperium would skyrocket in efficiency and chaos would probably happen less as everyone would be too busy in holy paperwork to defect.

>>60986016
That's with the armor on. Just put him in a business suit and go from there.

bump

>>61035376
Are you going to go Loyalist, Traitor, Loyalist, Traitor, ect?

>>61037200
I'm going to do each story based on the name pun I name myself. Rogal's next.

>>61037339
Lord Adorable.

>>60985974
Depends on the Space Marine. Ultramarines would fair well, but other chapters would find it insulting (especially Space Wolves).

>>61004798
>Marcus Flavius
Pity there ain't more of this glorious Astartes.

I WILL NOT ALLOW SUCH A GLORIOUS THREAD TO DIE.

>>61033814
I hope they left a nice tip

>>60987711
This is the correct answer.
>I see you've experienced middle management as well.

>>61038535
>Boy dies
>Rogal flies into a lot of holy rage

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Here, oh anons! I think it's safe to say that this thread has earned this mark!

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>>60985974
I hated to imagine space marine delivery services.

It would be perfect! Always on time, never broken because the Marine would be too proud to let themselves fail their charge by breaking it, and you would never end up in one of those pesky situations where they arive, ring the doorbell but you didn't hear it so it gets ssent back because their arival would make so much noise you would always know that it had arived.

Also, a Marine would never be so lazy as to just sort of arive it, but then just not do it, return it, and then inform you that "no, we totaly delivered it, you just weren't home" even though you sat ROGHT BY THE GOD DAMN DOOR and you know no one came knocking.

>>61041834
Ment for
>>61041661

>>61004939
I like it how its going.

>>61006450
to chicks aren't as bad as two chicks.

>>61041661
Not that anon, but the delivery would be very fast...and with a lot of collateral damage.

bumping to keep alive

Dont you fucking die on me

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>>60985974
If he was able to survive imperial office settings, he will triumph modern-day office settings.

>>61041057
If Boy doesn’t become an Imperial Fist during a timeskip I’m gonna lose it.

>>61045352
He already has spent more time with the emperir than anyone short of the custodes.

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>>61045352
>>61046437
At the very least grindark better never get to Boy. If anything happens to him, I'll pull a pic related!

Bump to keep alive.

Don't you die on me thread! Don't you die on me!

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>>60996632
>>61014390
I had the ultramarine chant playing the entire time.
This made my fucking day

this needs to continue cant be stopped wont be stopped

maybe someone could upload it to suptg?

Works almost finished boys

>>61049251
Huzzah! We await your gifts!

>>61033246
https://vocaroo.com/i/s0BEAjlgNfVt
another quick one cuz its fun

>>61041545
i hope this thread gets archived

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>>61041834
>>61041853
>always checking for the package out of fear of house becoming rubble as result of package delivery
Effective customer tactic, but they could always just leave it by the doorstep.

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>>61051368
that is good shit.

"So, did you hear about the new chef?"
Jason paused. It was starting shift at Texas Roadhouse, and business was already bustling. Again, Jason had arrived late today, but the management was rather lenient with his behavior. He did his job and did it well, so there was no real reason to let him go.
"No, what's up?" Jason looked towards Rodriguez. Rodriguez was... well, Rodriguez. Fat, but with a polite smile and well-meaning eyes, rounded lips as a subset to chubby cheeks. He smelled like sweat, even though the afternoon shift only just started, glistened beads of hard-work dripping down his brown face.
"Bro, he's fuckin' huge!" Rodriguez loudly whispered, spreading out his arms. "He's like a giant, bro!"
"Really?" Jason raised an eyebrow, looking over at the hostess counter. A party of twelve walked in, talking and laughing.
"Yeah, he's kinda creepy too, bro. He's hasn't talked to nobody yet, kinda freaks me out."
"Well, first day and all, maybe he's shy or something, I dunno." Jason said, half mindedly gathering a stack of menus.
"No bro, he might be nuts." Rodriguez said, looking over at the entrance. Another party walked in, a smaller family. Rodriguez nodded at Jason and grabbed a stack of menus in his hand, turning and walking towards the groups. Jason stood for a moment, and then shrugged off the conversation. He walked over to the hostess counter and greeted the larger party after Rodriguez was already seating the small family. He found a good table, sat them down, gave them their menus, and headed back. Standard procedure, how things were supposed to go. Jason walked back over to the counter and waited for a moment, but after no one else walked in, he became curious. New chef? Huge, quiet? Rodriguez had to have been exaggerating somewhat. Jason looked around for any superior staff, and then walked briskly over to the kitchen door.

>>61052449

So this makes me think. where did the son is autistic or quiet meme come from? I admit I haven't read all of the books, but in the books I read that featured him he seemed pretty normal. A real stand up dude actually.

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The calls to Commarch keep going to vox voice mail. We may need to send a written letter instead but what zip code does the dark eldar use?

>>61006450
Bump in case you return.

By the Emperor... Isha as a frustrated Retail Worker...

>>61052449
This is already off to a great start!

>>60986070
>after realising he was now too old to protect the emperor
Not that into 40k but isn't that heresy?

>>61052567

Dorn not son. Dam autocorrect

>>61052449
Jason peered into the doorframe, looking straight into the kitchen. There was only the other staff, some who he recognized and some who he didn't. Where was he? Rodriguez said he was big, but he didn't see anyone new.
"Excuse me, server. You are blocking my path to the cookery. I must return to my post."
Jason jumped, turning quickly to see who said that. He froze.
"Thank you, server. Work well." The giant said. He looked straight forward with steel blue eyes, walking past Jason like a moving mountain. Jason couldn't breathe for a moment, holding his chest as the huge man walked into the kitchen. Jason's eyes were burned with the visage of him; blue eyes, bleached white hair, and the stone-like features of his face. His voice had the same smoothness yet weight of solid rock.
"Bro!" Rodriguez snapped his fingers in front of Jason's face. Jason shook his head, pinching his eyes. "I told you, bro, I told you!" Rodriguez laughed fearfully, shaking Jason by his shoulder.
"No fucking way..." Jason said under his breath. "Where did he come from?"
Rodriguez shrugged. "I got no idea, he just said hi and started immediately workin', bro."
Jason took another look into the kitchen. This guy was tall, straight-standing, and packed on with more muscle than Jason had ever seen in life. He worked like a machine, flipping steaks and saucing ribs, checking pans and pots and grills without blinking. The giant looked over and looked Jason right in the eye, almost peering into the depths of his very soul.
He nodded curtly, and looked back to his work, checking over things again and again. Jason spun around and held the wall.
"No fuckin' way." Jason breathed.
"I know, right?!" Rodriguez laughed. He pointed over to the hostess counter where a family had just walked in. "We got some guys, though, can you take 'em? I gotta piss, bro."
Jason stared at Rodriguez for a moment. "Sure... sure." Jason shook his head and walked over to the hostess counter.

>>61053563
The family he greeted was... larger. Not to say that they were fat, no, that would be rude, but they were definitely a bit more on the heavy side than, say, the average person. A little fluffier, almost like Rodriguez, but there was something unkind about them. A snoodiness that resonated deep with the "cousin from Jersey" thought Jason had pass through his mind.
"A table for five, then?" Jason asked politely. The father was something different, a rotund and red-faced man in a wild-colored button up. He wobbled his way to the counter.
"Yep!"
Jason felt the heat of this guy's breath on his nose. The stink, however, penetrated to something deeper within Jason that he couldn't even described. He flinched slightly, quickly readjusting. He was worried he might have accidentally insulted the man, but Jason let the thought go as he corralled his fat family into the restaurant. Jason hurried in front of them, leading them over to a small table near the back.
"Oh, honey, this is so nice!" The wife was dressed in something as abhorrently neon as the husband. It was a long, bright orange and green dress plated with a cheap flower pattern.
"Anything for my sweet Marjorine!" The fat man laughed, holding her close by the hip. The kids, a boy and a girl, seemed disinterested in anything around them, staring directly into their phone screens. The girl, who looked just a bit older than her brother, hit her side into a booth and jumped a little, shaking it off and focusing back on whatever the hell she was doing. Jason managed to herd them to sit down, laying down his menus and walked away, shaking off the engrained feeling of disgust he had gained from merely interacting with them.

>>61053185
No, in their codex it does mention soem Custodes who feel they are too old or too injured to serve properly go out into the galaxy and become "Eyes of the Emperor" spying and cultivating networks to identify threats to terra.

http://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Eyes_of_the_Emperor

>>61054003
INCOMING PEP-TALK FROM ADORNABLE!
Or seething rage. Either works.

OK, thread up on suptg.

>>60988204
>2007
>a non bait thread with replies and fun
The mods did this.

>>61054003
>they say he makes a bad steak
>"ARE YOU TELLING ME MY FORTIFICATIONS OF FLAVOR ARE UNSATISFACTORY?"

where is Salvus Writebro

>>61055344
I am proud to claim Rogrill Dorn as an Honorary Texan.

>vulkan is next
>he works at a pizzaria in New York
>shoves hand in the oven to take out the pizza
>happily greets every customer in a loud voice

>>60988204
I miss '07

>>61055788
Then bring it back, you're good at that.

>>61054003
Jason felt uneasy, as he went about cleaning tables and leading parties to booths. His unease was rewarded as he was called up to waiter a table; the one with the fats. He groaned, trying to put on a smile as he walked over to the family. They we're all busy talking to one another, or at least the parents were. Jason couldn't make out any of the garble passed between them, but the infatuated hints of tone told of a soppy exchange of quick compliments to help keep a failing marriage afloat for but a few more moments. Almost five feet away, Jason had hoped to surprise them, but even that was taken from him as the wife's eyes lit up.
"Oh, thank goawd, our waitah!" She squealed. The fat man turned, a mix of an unfriendly eye and unfriendly smile greeting Jason. The kids kept to their phones, not moving or even blinking, for that matter.
"So, are we ready to order?" Jason faked a smile and a friendly tone.
"We've been ready." The fat man grunted.
"Oh, gyive him a breahk, hahney." The wife waved her hand at him. She looked back up at Jason. "Yeas, we are ready to ohder."
Jason relaxed. "Alright, would you like to sta-"
"Do you got one of those, uh, those uh onion thingies?" The fat man cut Jason off.
"I don-"
"Ooooh! You mean like one of dose "bloomin' onions" dey have at the outbaek?!" The wife cut Jason off this time.
"They should, all of these chains are the same." The fat man looked up at Jason. "So, do ya?"
Jason felt attacked. He had worked here for over a year, and yet he had never worked with... people like this, and that was the lightest he could put it in his head.
"...Yes, we do have an onion appetizer, it's called the Cactus Blossom."
"HA!" The fat man slapped the table. The kids and the wife rocked, but the only one to acknowledge it was the wife, who whooped in delight. The kids certainly shook, but didn't take their eyes off of their screens for a single moment.

>>61057085
Dorn is going to have a field day with them... Isn't he?

>>61057085
>Whiny
>Fat af
>Always asking for stuff NOT in a menu
>Always expecting waiters to be a telepaths
>Snobbish AND Slobbish.
Oh boy, its THAT kind of customers. At least kids are not loud,obnoxious shits who ruins day for everyone.

>>61057085
"Then we'll get that!" The fat man cried out. Other customers around the table looked at the noise-makers, sneering or talking under their breath. Jason felt under-fire, under-siege; how long could he take this?
"Okay, so a blossom to start. Can I get any of you folks drinks?" Jason asked.
The wife raised her hand, as if a kindergartner eager to answer teacher. Jason reluctantly pointed his pen in her direction.
"I'll take the "Armadillo punch"." She exaggerated the drink, waving her hands a little. "Oh haeny, aren't all these names so full of character?" She giggled, snorting. The fat man scoffed and looked up at Jason.
"I'll take a coke with cherry."
"Okay, one cherry coke, and-"
"No, no." The fat man raised a hand. His small, beady eyes glared into Jason's. The red fat around his face allowed for a bulbous shadow to cast down onto the booth counter. "I said a coke with cherry."
"Yes, a cherry coke." Jason responded.
"NO!" He raised his voice, taking a deep, phlegm lined breath. "What I mean is you, YOU!" He pointed a finger at Jason. It was as thick as a sausage and as fat as his face. "You go to your bar, you get a coke, and then you mix in the cherry syrup."
Jason blinked. "Okay, I... got it. For the kids?"
"Sprite." They both said in unison, neither looking up from their screens. Jason blinked again. It was almost robotic, soulless; were these kids or androids?
"Alright, I got an Armadillo Punch, Cherry _with_ coke," Jason made sure to note the "with". The fat man nodded approvingly, creating more chins than China ever could. "and two sprites. I will be back with your blossom and drinks, folks." Jason smiled through a grimace. The wife nodded happily, waving goodbye as he walked away. They began smothering each other again after Jason quickly walked away.

>>61057470
It felt as of his entire being was attacked in a flurry; never, EVER, even in his own personal life, had Jason been so insulted to speak to another human being. He leaned on the kitchen door wall, taking a deep breath. He then turned, proceeding towards the window and pulling off his order paper, clipping it to the steel rack. He looked up and froze.
He didn't notice the chef was right in front of him, looking down at him. Jason still wasn't used to the scale of this person, and he didn't think he'd ever become accustomed to it.
"You are troubled."
The chef said that with utmost sincerity. He was a flat voice, one that had the same character as stone, and carried the same density

>>61057709
Daddy Dorn comin' in with the Life Lessons!

>>61057709
"What?" Jason said, blinking. "Oh, no, I'm just-"
The giant leaned forward and grabbed the slip, looking over the order. Jason stopped talking, as if he was told to do so without the chef needing to do anything.
"You are troubled, my son." He said again, not looking up from the slip. He clipped it back onto the steel rack. He looked back down at Jason with stern eyes.
"Meet me at the back of the store in five minutes. I will speak to you there. Is that understood?"
Jason nodded quickly. The door alarm rang, surprising Jason. He looked to the hostess counter, and then back to the chef. He was no longer standing there, but with a quick look around, Jason saw the giant busy at work, cutting an onion with precise strokes. Jason hesitated, and then moved to the hostess counter.

Five minutes passed. Jason asked for Rodriguez and Karrie to cover for him for a moment, which they both agreed to do. He worked his way past the kitchen, shuffling around cooks until he reached the exit doors. He gently pushed it open and walked outside, greeted with a hot breeze. He looked around, and saw him; the giant. He was standing a bit away from the restaurant, almost near the edge of the where the store-back concrete pavement met the long grasses of the man-made marsh that stretched out, dotted with similar restaurants and industrial buildings. Jason carefully walked forwards. He only noticed till he got close enough that the giant was staring into the sky. Jason looked up, and saw a half-full moon shrouded in small wisps of cloud.
Jason didn't know what to say.
"It is okay to speak freely." The giant spoke first, again. "I am no monster."
Jason blinked, trying to formulate a sentence. "Listen, sir, I don't know why you wanted to talk to me, I'm doing fine. I'm sorry to bother you."
"It is of no bother, my son." The giant turned and looked down upon Jason. The sickly-white light of the rear lights caused the Chef's features to cast their own shadows.

>>60997014
Theres no shame in grammatical errors Brother

>>61057861
"You are under siege by an enemy you have not faced before." The chef noted, looking back to the marsh. "I heard their manner of speaking, and it is forthright offensive to the most basic of senses."
"No, they-" Jason paused. "...Yeah, they were kinda rude. The onion thing really got me though, you know?"
The chef snorted. "I wholly agree. This establishment far surpasses Outback Steakhouse in quality; the comment alone was an undeserving attack on common sense and Texas Roadhouse's well earned reputation."
"Ah hah, yeah." Jason felt relaxed around the Chef now.
"However." The giant turned his head back. Jason snapped to attention, stiffening like a board. "They did not only attack this establishment, but your character, my son."
Jason nodded, agreeing both out of necessity and from an honest heart. He felt insulted by the entire group that bore down upon him.
"Fortification." The giant let the word hang in the air for a moment. "Do you know what that means?"
Jason stuttered, then cleared his throat. "It means, uh... it means like to build up defenses, walls and stuff."
"Walls." The giant smiled, but not with his mouth. His eyes glittered a little in the moonlight, and his eyebrows raised and bristled. "You are correct, my son. At this time, fortification is necessary, to defend from an assault like this."
Jason nodded. He felt like choking up, for some strange reason.
"You are young, Jason. You are exposed, and fragile. You must defend yourself; in the mind;" The chef tapped a finger on the side of his head. "And in the heart." He moved his hand down to his chest, tapping on two different places. "To let these...those who are clearly under you siege you like this is an insult to yourself."
Jason knew he was right. It was a hostess job; how could he let something so little make him feel so hurt?

>>61058077
God damn it... I wish my own father talked to me like this...

>>61058077
"Steel yourself." The chef said. The two worded sentence spoke of untold years of knowledge. Jason felt humbled, and yet at the same time he felt his heart pumping loudly with pride. "This enemy is strong against an unprotected heart, but you have the metal to defend it against anything that may come at you." The Giant spoke fatherly, and Jason listened through welling tears. |
"Yeah!" Jason said, stupid with pride.
The giant laughed softly. "Yes, indeed. Now, let us return to our duties, my son. The onion is almost done frying."
Jason nodded and followed, wiping his eyes behind the giant's back. They reached the door when Jason thought of something he hadn't thought to ask.
"Hey, sir, I-"
"What is it, my son?"
"What's your name? You started today, I never got to know it."
The giant turned and looked down at Jason. "I am rog-" He paused. He looked up, as if remembering a warning, and then chuckled. He looked back down to Jason with a smile.
"I am Ronald."
Jason sniffed. "Thanks, Ronald."
Rogal Dorn nodded, smiling. He opened the door and let Jason through first, and then followed.

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>be Astartes Apothecary
>go to nursing school after time in the Deathwatch
>graduate, go to work in ER
>SISTER SERGEANT FLO I HAVE EXAMINED THE ACLS CART AND FOUND IT IN PROPER WORKING ORDER
>BROTHER DOCTOR APOTHECARIAN SPIVACK I HAVE A 35 YEAR OLD MALE UNAUGMENTED HUMAN INCOMING VIA EMS FOUND WANDERING IN THE STREET AND SCREAMING OF SPIDERS IN HIS SKIN, HE HAS RECEIVED 300 MILLIGRAMS OF KETAMINE IN THE FIELD AND IS REPORTED AS BEING COMBATIVE, REQUESTING ORDERS FOR PHYSICAL AND CHEMICAL RESTRAINT
>violent patient arrives to ER, punches out female nurse
>physically restrained by the expedient of grabbing him by the neck, lifting, and jamming B52 cocktail into his thigh via narthecium
>filling out restraint paperwork, call shift supervisor for second tier review
>SISTER CAPTAIN NGUMO I REQUEST YOU VERIFY MY REPORT
>report is twenty pages long, begins with, "In the name of the Eternal Empire, may His light forever shine upon the unworthy souls of His servants, I write this missive that at 2115 hours in the Halls of Healing, Emergency Ward, Room 28, Our Lady of Tested Patience, I did so encounter a patient of poor temper requiring that he be placed in a single point restraint by expedient of lifting him by neck," report does not get better as it continues
>Security fucks off whenever he's around
>working trauma bay
>too goddamn big, trauma team can't fit
>floated to Pediatrics ER for a shift
>GREETINGS SMALL UNAUGMENTED ONE, I AM BROTHER APOTHECARY OF THE LAMENTORS AND WILL BE YOUR NURSE TODAY
>attempts to write name on board in dry erase, crushes it, simply sticks finger in wall and writes out name of staff working with the family that day
>child crying
>mother crying
>father screaming for help from charge nurse
>unit manager cannot decide if he's asset or liability
Working with this man would be the greatest pleasure of my career.

>>61058077
>"Fortification."
I came

>>61058312
Bump for more Apothecary stories

>>61013135
>After being given their notice of termination, they are kept on to train their replacements.
>The Lamenters do overtime to make sure it's all in place for the new crew and to make sure they can do the job properly. They even leave their phone number so that if any problems arrive after they leave they are on call to help.

>Blood Raven gets employed
>he has an uncanny knack for knowing when stocks will rise and fall
>which is good, because it slightly covers the fact that stationary costs have risen by 15,000%

>>61060015
Also, somehow, every staplers, paper clips and even pencils are going missing when Blood Raven shows up.

>>60988204
>elevatus
my sides

>>61011093
>>YES, I WILL HOLD. I AM AN IMPERIAL FIST.
holy shit my sides

>>61052567
Rogal is indeed a fairly stand up guy. It's his demeanor that earned him the meme. His stone faced way of aproaching everything, his tendency to be a perfectionist with defences, his overly stoic nature, the pain glove. It's all led to people joking that he might be slightly autistic as he seems to take everything so serious.

It's an exaggeration, of course, but like all primarch he seems slightly odd compared to most everyday people.

>>61058312
>child crying
Dunno man, some kids would feel hype as fuck from having their nurse being some kind of giant robot with a chainsaw arm (I assume they work with full battle gear)

>>61058199
Aww yeah! Go Rogal!

>>61058077
>Fortification
Fucking perfect

Sombody better be screencaping this thread! Because I have no idea how to do it and make it look good.

Dave waited with rising apprehension. He knew that in a few minutes, that office door would open and, short of a miracle, he’d have to face his impending sacking.
He tried rallying together some last ditch excuses, but all that did was make him painfully aware of how utterly hopeless his situation was. All he could do was finger his lucky silver cuff links, an heirloom he suspected would be the only valuable thing he’d own after the month was out.
After an eternity that was probably all of Five minutes, the bored looking secretary met his eyes, and slowly hooked a thumb over her shoulder. No words. Evidently she thought there little point talking to a dead man.

Dave squared his shoulders and moved to the door, but just before he could knock, a booming voice called
“Enter.” Dave had always wondered how the boss did that; did he have some sort of camera hooked up? he supposed now he’d never find out.
Dave walked in, and met the gaze of his boss. He wasn’t bothering with the usual disinterest that most bosses used as a domineering trick, but Dave supposed a 8ft tall brick Shithouse, with a face that looked like it had head butted it’s way through a razor wire fence and won, needed to bother with such tactics.
“Mr fletcher. Please, take a seat.”
Dave’s facade of calm slipped slightly as he stumbled into the surprisingly Spartan chair, a mirror of the one opposite, but before he could humiliate himself further, his boss moved with a blur and steadied him by the arms.
“T-thanks” Dave mumbled, being unable to meet the piercing eyes a few metres away.
“If only I could say the rest of this meeting could be so harmonious. I assume you know why I’ve called you in?
To kick me out like an Ebola ridden hobo? Dave thought. Outwardly, he said
“I guess it’s because of my, er, less that rapid progress as of late.”
His boss eyed him.
“Less than rapid. That’s one way of putting it.”
“Look, Sir, I can expl-“
He was cut off with a raised hand.