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/tg/ - Traditional Games

>Be Guardsman Recruit of the 212th Unimportant Infantry Regiment
>Regiment raised only a two weeks ago
>Stuck on Imperial Troop Transport in random 'Eccelesiarchy Reinforcement Fleet' to go help spread the light of the God-Emperor on some newly re-discovered human world
>Usual Sisters of Battle force backing Priests, Guard just got roped into this because they want extra bodies
>Even has some Admech ships since this world has some fancy tech or some grox-shit like that
>Don't really know, way too far above my paygrade to care
>Transport is carrying some Hospitalier chicks too, so that's a plus I guess
>Go to sleep in my bunk as we go into Warp
>Knocked awake by huge series of explosions after tasting screams and hearing purple, run to find regiment commander for orders
>Commander's dead
>Try and find Commissar
>Commissar's dead too
>Find a half-dead Navy guy
>He tells me we're not in Warp anymore and half the transport's crushed against the side of "the biggest space hulk he's ever seen"
>Space hulk? As in the thing full of all kinds of scary xenos that want to eat my face and use my skin for curtains?
>Hear screech of metal ripping open in the distance
>Something's already clawing its way into the ship
By the Emperor! What do I do /tg/ guard? Space hulks are for Space Marines, not fresh recruits like me!
Not with that mentality of yours. It is time to shine, soldier. Heroes are not made on garrison duty. Send those motherfuckers back to whatever shithole they came.
Affix bayonet, son, you're in the guard!
>What do I do /tg/ guard?
affix bayonet
First off, "Unimportant Infantry Regiment"? Just how boring of a home planet do you have guardsman?!

Second: Throne your Navigator must have been drunk if he didn't see that hulk drifting toward your ship through the Warp.

Third: Refer to an Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer on how to deal with any xenos scum you might encounter. That will most definitely not keep you alive.
About that. The lead priest refused to let ANY guard regiments bring bayonets due to an incident with traitor guard he had last century. Something about being bayoneted fifty times in the back or something. All I have is my trusty lasgun and a combat knife.

Bunch a grox-shit if you ask me.

>Unimportant Infantry Regiment
Yeah, blame the Administratum for getting very unimaginative with names. Apparently it was suggested by some Rogue Trader and the name somehow ended up becoming official.

Fucking Administratum bureaucrats.
>The lead priest refused to let ANY guard regiments bring bayonets
Well, I can guarantee that fleet doesn't have any Kriegers in it.

Uh... do you know if there's any other ships from the fleet nearby, or is it just yours stuck on the side of the space hulk?
>All I have is my trusty lasgun and a combat knife.
attach combat knife as bayonet
Fine. But I'm gonna try and link up with some members of my regiment first.

>start crawling my way through the wrecked part of the ship
>Make it to corridor that runs along the underside of ship
>hear screams of panic and loud "WUBWUBWUBWUB" sounds followed by more explosions and the side of the far end of the corridor exploding open and something BIG stepping through
>quickly crawl back to the level my bunk is on
On second thought, I think I'll go secure the Sisters Hospitalier first. They're probably in more danger than I am. After all, I've got my trusty lasgun and my lasgun can kill anything... right?
Using my combat knife as a bayonet? Hadn't thought of that.

And I think there's a cruiser transporting a bunch of Adeptus Sororitas adrift near the side of the space hulk, and that navy guy said something about 'Black Templars, Dark Angels and Salamanders' being part of the fleet. No idea if they're here in realspace though.
Uh, fellas, I think our poor guardsman might have stumbled into Noise Marines. That or he's run into Ork freebootas with really shit taste in music.
>be me
>Guardsman Recruit
>moving through ship toward Sister Hospitalier's location
>Duck behind bulkhead as two fuckhuge space Marines in pink and black armor and carrying weird weapons step through hole in side of ship
>Hear one of them say they want to skin the Sisters alive
>the other Marine says: "the Killrex Symphony needs LIVING groupies, not excess skinwear! Have you been snorting warpdust again?"
>Take aim with my lasgun at the creepier one's head
>Fire lasgun
>I hit the marine dead in the back of the helmet, but he doesn't even notice it
>It doesn't look like it even scratched his helmet
>the combat knife isn't also your bayonet

the absolute fucking state of the imperium
>Be Warmaster Killrex
>Leader of Killrex Symphony Emperor's Children's Warband
>Hanging out in giant space hulk
>Be fighting with Ork Freebootas and genestealers over control of it
>Ork Freebootas control the engines and guns
>Genestealers control the lower decks
>My warband controls the center of the ship
>Imperial Transport ship suddenly crashes into hulk
>its full of guardsmen and Sororitas
>Time to get groupies
>Hear genestealers clawing their way toward this ship too
>better keep their claws off that Sororitas booty.
>Hope those ladies like listening to dubstep
Clearly makeshift bayonet is the next logical step.
Not even joking, unless you're a catachan, the only reason you would have a combat knife is if it's an astartes one, and given that those are literally designed for space Marines to use against the kind of things space Marines would fight, you might get lucky, what with the element of surprise, especially since many noise Marines have hearing problem s for obvious reasons and likely won't hear you approach.
That or nades if you have any.
Explosives are almost always reliable.
>be me
>Guardsman Recruit
>Pull out grenade from my belt
>peek head around bulkhead again
>The marines are LOUDLY bickering about something called Warpdust now, their weird-looking guitar guns pointing down at the floor
>pray to the God-Emperor, pull pin and throw grenade as hard as I can at the Marine's heads
>"You need to quit snorting that crap Dip. It's gonna-"
>"Stop? Why would I STOP? What kind of follower of Slaanesh are you Marsh-oh fuck."
>grenade detonates directly between their heads
>duck behind bulkhead again and then peek out to see that the one who wanted to skin the Hospitaliers no longer has a head and the one called Marsh is currently laying dazed against the bulkhead.
>Suddenly hear loud screeching and "WAAAAGH!!!" echoing through the corridors
Stab the dazed one in the head and then steal anything that looks useful and not too daemonic, then find another hidey spot.
>Be trooper
>Be assigned to defend the governor's palace
>Instructed to help keep the various aristocratic parasites away from the front and out of trouble.
>Get dispensation from our regiment's colonel to gamble with the aristocratic parasites, since it keeps them occupied and not causing trouble or worse, trying to command the local PDF.
>Find a particularly stupid aristo who loves regicide and is terrible at it, and willing to put money on his 'talent'.
>Win 30,000 thrones from him last evening.
>That's like, more money than I'd make, warp, do we even get paid?
>Anyway, try to deposit the funds in a banking servitor as part of the complex
>Get warned that this is a much larger deposit than has ever been deposited in my account
>Automatic security functions activated
>Steel doors slammed shut
>I'm communicating this on my comm-bead, I can't get out.
>And I'm back on shift in 6 hours.
>Can like, anyone help me?
Fuck it, take a nap
>Be Guardsman Recruit
>Time to earn those Mars-pattern Titanium balls
>Charge stunned Noise Marine with combat knife-bayonet and jam it under his neck seal
>helmet vox grille suddenly tilts down and snaps combat knife in half
>"Little bastard, I'm going to wear your head as a hat-"
>Pauses mid-threat as the screeches of several Genestealers can be heard as they start charging down the corridor
>pull out two more frag grenades, pull pins, shove them in Noise Marine Marsh's hands and then run like the Warp itself is after me
>Turn corner at the other end of the hall and duck for cover just as the Noise Marine yells "FUCK YOU FOUR-ARMS!", followed by the grenades going off and taking out the genestealers and the Noise Marine
>Can still hear the loud throbbing bass through the decks underneath me and the roars of Orks and Genestealers
>This is nothing like what was covered in an Uplifting Primer at all!
>Fuck it
Wait, you want to him to fuck the banking servitor?
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Just another day in the guard.
>Be Navy Captain of Guard Transport
>Navigator is back on the sauce and not paying attention
>Rams ship directly into a space hulk, we are stuck to it
>I order the vessel to fire macrocannon broadsides at the Hulk to dislodge us
>Ensign informs me this transport has no weapons
>Shoot him for incompetence
>Order the Tech Priests to begin building broadsides for the ship
>Send some guardsmen into the hulk to collect parts and components
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>Be Ork Freeboota Warboss
>Kaptin of dis giant, planetoid-sized Space Hulk
>Or I would be if dem Spiky beakies, dere kultists, and'all them damn bugboyz would hurry up an' die already.
>Zoggin' gits iz moar annoying den dat Kaptin 'F. Merkury' Goldteef I ran into months back
>Seriously, who da zog finks "wubwubwubwub" an' all dis 'bass/dubstep/techno/rave squigshit' iz muzik anyway?
>Suddenly Imperial transport rams into side of hulk
>Order sum o' me boyz ta go collect a 'kullision tax' from any survivors
>humie Squawk box starts picking up vox traffic from nearby humie ships as we drop outta Warp
>Wun iz frum a ship run by a sum o' dem Sistas o' battle, saying dey iz comin' ovah ta help survivors an' purge dis hulk wid holy fire
>Oh good, more humies ta "tax"/loot
>Orda big gunz to prep da 'arpoonz' an' get ready to fire
>Sum trigga-happy git fires early, ends up harpooning a green beakie battle barge with a giant, ship-skewering "harpoon" as it drops outta warp next ta mah hulk
>Orda boyz to bring in dat beakie ship ta da hulk wid' da traktor kannonz while da othas try an' harpoonz da Sistahs' ship
> be undercover Genestealer in IG regiment
> be bros with 212
> we crash into Space Hulk
> hear hivemind calling me
> oh

> be me
This, Imperiumfags are cancer
>Be Me
>Salamander Space Marine
>traveling with 'reinforcement fleet' in the Warp on the Battle Barge "Vulkan's Strength"
>Navigator says one of the troop transports has 'run into an impossibly big space hulk' and been knocked out of the Warp
>Barge leaves warp to engage and is immediately skewered by a huge... 'space harpoon'?
>First off, "Unimportant Infantry Regiment"? Just how boring of a home planet do you have guardsman?!

The planet Unimportant only has a single infantry regiment. But their tank regiments have served the Imperium with great honor and glory.
Someone should probably tell this poor recruit the truth about Uplifting Primer...
>Be Head Tech Priest Enginseer
>Order from the bridge is to start building macrocannons for the ship
>tell the other tech priests to get to work on cutting us out of the hulk
>As we begin working, an Ork shows up and starts shouting something in butchered low gothic about paying a parking fee and to hand over our shiny bits
>Dont even look up as the Ork is killed by guardsmen passing through
>They have orders to scour the Hulk looking for spare parts for the macrocannons
>They will make for an excellent distraction until reinforcements arrive or I fix the problem
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>Be Nob 'Eadkracka
>Be biggah den da biggest o' beakies
>Hulk's 'ead 'Tax collectah'
>or whatever mah daft warboss calls it.
>Sayz he's Bad Moon, but da git acts like a Blood Axe 'alf da time
>Got me trusty looted *and upgraded) Shock Maul to 'elp wid 'collectshuns'
>See other Ork tryin' ta collect from a buncha cogboyz an' watch 'im get krumped by a bunch a humies runnin' inta da hulk
>Well, took an unlucky shot through da eye really. Most of the shots completely missed da git.
>Find biggest cogboy an' casually stroll up to 'im, twirling me shock maul around wid one hand
>"Oi. You gotta license fer dat cuttin' equipment, cogboy?"
>Be Guardsman in 212
>Heading into space hulk to find spare parts for macrocanons
>Guy next to me suddenly starts screaming WAAAAGH!!! at the top of his lungs
>try to shoot him with lasgun
>las doesn't even phase him
>watch guy rip another guardsman to pieces with his barehands
>run deeper into the hulk, heading toward the sound of loud, pulsing music
The Uplifting Primer lies about everything.
You need to find the Hospitalier chicks and outbreed the Tyranids.
I don't understand how these threads aren't considered /qst/
>None of these Guardsmen know how to turn their lasguns safety off

By the Omnissiah, you ARE a bunch of recruits...
>Be Head Tech Priest
>Large ork strolls up to me, completely ignoring the las fire from the Guardsmen
>Asks If I have a license, I think. His Low Gothic is somehow worse than the other one.
>"Sure do"
>hand him a large scroll with binary instructions for the toaster
>He looks at it for a few seconds in confusion
>Use those few seconds to pull out my melta gun and slag his ass
>Thank the machine spirit for cooperating
>Back to work
So who gets converted into combat drugs?
>Be Guardsman Recruit
>hiding in a wrecked corridor fiddling with my lasgun
>notice there's a safety and it's still in the on position
>Turn off safety and shoot a genestealer that's running around the corner, blowing its brains out as it screams WAAAAGH!! at the top of my lungs
>MUCH better!
>pokes Genestealer with broken combat knife bayonet to make sure its dead.
>Those are some sharp claws
>starts making my way toward the Hospitaliers again
>Hope they haven't been attacked by genestealers or Noise Marines yet!
And he gets his head torn off.
>Be Sergeant Robert "Bob" Robertson
>Everything was going fine.
>Idiot recruits were being trained while we travel, just about to teach them the importance of turning off their safeties
>Only do this because the Cog-tucker demand it.
>worse still is one of them keeps staring at me.
>Creepy as fuck.
>Her eyes, I think it's a she... you can never really tell with the toaster fuckers, seem to turn into hearts every time I catch her staring
>Space Hulk... perfect...
>I'll worry about my stalker later, got more pressing matters to deal with.
>Be Nob 'Eadkracka
>Am in lot o' pain
>Cogboy just blew off me arm an' mah ear wid a melta gun
>Ruin a perfectly good squigskin suit
>Dat wuz just uncalled for
>Whack cogboy back o' da head with shock maul
>"Bluddy... cog-git..."
>Stumble away from cogboy back into hulk before pass out
>Hope ta Gork a Mad Dok doesn't find me
>Be Guardsman Recruit
>Finally make it to Sister Hospitaliers quarters
>Looks like they barricaded the doors while the Noise Marines and Genestealers fight it out
>suddenly see normal humans running around the fray trying to stick bombs on the doors
>Start picking off as many as I can without getting noticed by either faction
OP here. Glad to see this thread's managed to survive for so long. Got to go into work, will check back later.
>Be Head Tech Priest
>My head is spinning, that Ork whacked me good
>Good thing I got that cranial armour
>Should have doubletapped
>Notice the Ork is fleeing, and missing an arm, look down and see blood all over the parchment
>Screech at him in binary for getting blood all over the Sacred Rites of the Toaster
>This means war
>Recover the rites and hand them to another tech priest
>Shoot another, smaller ork that is just standing there.
>See the guardsmen are still getting their asses handed to them
>Screech at the guardsmen that their las guns have variable settings and safeties
>One of them says "Oh, that is what that dial is for?"
>Fucking fleshbags
>Some of the guardsmen finally do their job and mop up the remaining Orks nearby
>Find a Voxcaster and see if I can contact the Mechanicus detachment attached to this fleet
>Need reinforcements to avenge the holy scroll
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>Be Umbra
>Just a smalltown pearl
>Livin in a lonely warp
>Took the midnight hulk goin anywhere
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>Just an Ymgarl strain
>Running from the Hivefleet main
>Took the midnight hulk goin' anywhere
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>A mekboy in Aft Bay Rear
>Smell of smoke and fungus beer
>For a toof, he'll sell ya a gun
>Fightin' on and on, and on, and on
>Up and down the Space Hulks halls
>Lurking in the dark
>Be Warmaster Killrex
>I swear, half of my warband is full of retards
>I'm getting reports that a couple Noise Marines might have been killed by mere guardsmen
>Getting reports that Orks are also on the transport now, and the genestealers have started screeching high-pitched WAAAGH!!! sounds
>Well, at least things aren't quiet. That'd be offensive
>How hard is it for my brothers to get us some more groupies. Half the cultists under us have been possessed and/or mutated by Chaos.
>And not the Slaaneshi kind of possession/mutation either
>My Noise Marines are taking too long
>Walk over to my arsenal
>"Now should I use the Kakaphoni or the Blastmaster? Decisions, decisions..."
Perhaps those Noise Marines that got killed were not gene-sons of Fulgrim.
>Walked past several Noise Marine corpses
>look like they've been shot by a standard lasgun
>eventually run into the head tech priest
>might as well give the cogboi a hand
>Shift into NCO Mode and start coordinating a defensive strategy with the tech priest
>Hopefully that creepy cog-girl isn't skulking around
>Be Navy captain of the ship the Sisters of Battle are on
>Just saw Salamanders battle barge get literally harpooned by giant space hulk
>Get told by the Canoness of the Order of Verity that we're going to be launching an attack on the Space hulk to free that transport and the battle barge from the clutches of whatever's controlling that hulk
>Try to pull frigate alongside space hulk without getting harpoon'd
>be Daemonette
>sitting around, bored because the Noise Marines are having all the fun and used all the warp dust already
>about to have a wank when I hear that a boarding party of Sisters are going to arrive
>I'm going to have so much fun banging them in their power armoured booties
>power armoured booties
How skintight is the powerarmor? Would sister feel spanking through it?
They would if it's a daemonette, I'm sure.
>Be Head Tech Priest
>Guardsman NCO approached me and is talking strategy, this one seems to have an actual brain.
>Tell him one of the Ork Nobz desecrated an important scroll containing valuable technological information from ancient times
>Also tell him I am working on an actual strategy to disconnect us from the Space Hulk
>One of the junior tech priestesses seems to be watching him from the shadows
>Screech at her in binary to get back to work
>Honestly, these kids and their temptations of the flesh
>Get a response back from the Mechanicus Detachment, they are sending a Magos and a team of Skitarii to avenge the sacred text and scout for Archeotech
>Ask the NCO to provide assistance when they arrive
Bullet to the head. Execute yourself for cowardice.
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Spotted the Commissar!
>Be Captain Vane of the Imperial Guard Transport "Meat Grinder", currently lodged in unidentified space hulk
>Space Hulk is currently host to infestation of Gene Stealers, Orks and the Dreaded Noise Marines
>Fucking Noise Marines are blaring their shitty music through all public Vox Channels
>Crank up the Hymns of the Emperor to the highest setting and play it over every channel
>See the Salamanders have been harpooned to the Space Hulk as well
>Order the Head Tech Priest to secure the Harpoon, it will work even better for my plans than Macrocannons
>See that the Sisters of Battle are moving in to assist and so are the Mechanicus
>Watch the feed intently to see if they are Harpooned as well
>Get the shit scared out of me when the Head Tech priest screeched in binary
>Seriously, it sounded like someone hooked a calculator up to a pain glove and added a speaker system to it
>Start barking orders to set up barricades at key points, glad the cogbois are helping out
>try to ignore the piercing, heart-shaped LED gaze of the crazy cog gril
>Emperor preserve me, I hope the Skitarii know not to shoot us.
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You know what to do, Guardsman.
She's probably going to make you a servitor.
>Be Warmaster Killrex
>Hear the frigate carrying all the hot Adeptus Sororitas is trying to connect to the space hulk
>Suddenly hear Hymns of the Emperor being blasted on all the vox channels
>Find armorglass window to watch
>Get there just in time to see the frigate get hit on the bow and engine by two huge ass Ork harpoons and slowly dragged toward ship by Ork traktor kannonz
>Be random daemonette
>look up from blowing the warmaster just in time to see the spitroasting
>resume my task
>Be sent in to system that's under attacks from the Dark Eldar
>Our troop transport comes under attack from one of their vessels
>My compartment depressurizes, and I barely make it to a savior pod.
>Half-land, half crash on the planet a week later
>Have no idea where I am or how to link up with the closest friendly unit.
>But went down near a river, and I figured there's a good chance that a river would lead to a settlement, and thus back to our own lines.
>See something moving.
>Oh shit, it's got pointy ears.
>Shoulder my lasgun, aim, fire, blow its chest inside out.
>Creep forward to investigate the body.
>He seems to be alone, and isn't carrying any combat gear, just in his smallclothes. And he's dripping wet, probably was bathing in the river
>Hey, wait, I recognize that face, that's the archon or whatever they dark eldar call their leader.
>Time to leave ASAP, just delay long enough to take out my picter and record this, someone up top probably wants to know.
>Eventually rejoin our forces, shuffled into a new platoon since the rest of mine is MIA and presumed dead on the ship attack.
>Everyone treats me differently.
>Keep getting called to conferences and have absolutely no idea what to say in any of them.
>The colonel, just now, has ordered me to teach some sort of melee combat seminar to the regimental stormtroopers.

So you see Commissar, I'm not really anything special. It was just the Emperor's Grace that favored me. I have no idea how to fight hand to hand beyond "attach bayonet and stab". I need to stop this madness before it spreads further, but nobody seems to listen to me anymore. Well, ever, really, but nobody believes me that I didn't DO anything.
>Be Ork Boy
>shootan spiky humies
>see pink weird fing
>itz body haz loadz a dakka and shootaz
>it askz if oi'm interes- interes- if oi want "er"
>sayz yes
>bash itz 'ead in
>now a big shoota da soize of an humie filled wif dakka
>even 'az foirin' trigga above itz legz
>Be Battlesister Adena of the Order of Verity
>Really fucking hate my dumb bitch canoness right now
>She could have let the Salamanders deal with the hulk
>We're supposed to be helping spread the light of the Emperor to a recently rediscovered human world, not exploring giant planetoid-sized space hulks
>But nooooooo
>Canoness Bimbo-bitch just HAD to have the whole order launch a rescue mission
>Now the ship's being dragged by huge-ass harpoons/falling toward the side of the space hulk, and I'm probably gonna get raped by Tyranids or worse
Prepare your anus, sister. Daemonettes lurk in the shadows of the Space Hulk
>Be Captain Aurelius of the Lunar-class Cruiser "Piety's Charge"
>See frigate carrying Sororitas get 'pooned by the Space Hulk
>Not on my watch
>Fire macrocannon broadsides at the location of the Harpoon Gunz
>Shots hit their mark almost perfectly, only two shells hit the Frigate
>Harpoon cannon is damaged and harpoon lines are snapped
>Decide to assist the Salamanders as well
>The next barrage misses wide and hits the lower side of the Hulk
>Hear a lot of screeching and WAAAAHHHing on the vox overlaying the Hymns to the Emperor and Noise Marine Metal
>Why the fuck are Gene Stealers making Ork sounds?
>Or are Orks making Gene Stealer sounds?
>Be Battlesister Adena
>Shells penetrate the frigate's armor and damage the warp core
>Well fuck, now we can't go back to Warp.
>Frigate starts drifting even faster toward side of the hulk in an uncontrolled spin
>Captain yells to brace for impact
>Press my sexy butt up against a bulkhead and hold on for dear life
>be Kommando
>'ear bugz 'Waaagh''n
>Da bugz are tryin ta infil-infiltr- da bugz iz bein sneaky gitz an tryan ta be Orkz
>No bugz will outsneak a Kommando
>Be Captain Aurelius
>See Frigate careen into the Hulk with what must have been a large thud
>Blame Noise Marines and idiot Captain on the Transport for being distracting on the Vox
>Fire Macrocannons again at the harpoons pulling in the Salamanders Barge
>Destroy the Harpoons again, this time without hitting the allied ship
>Damn I'm good, I deserve a Promotion
>Still waiting on reinforcements
>hear a loud fucking bang as a ship crashes into the hulk.
>Let tech priest know that I'm gonna go check for survivors

>Be Dakkagutz
>Ork MegaNob 'Dakka Expert'
>Boss iz pissed Nob 'Eadkracka ain't back yet from 'tax collectshun'
>Tellz me an' da otha 'Aye Arr Ees' boyz ta make sure dem humies 'pay us all dere shiny bitz'
>Take 3 o' me boyz an' head down ta da spot where da humie transport iz
>Find 'Eadkracka widdout an arm an 'alf his squigskin suit burned off
>Zoggin' git an' his fancy squigskin suit
>Activate the squawky bawks to call da warboss, 'eres bugz yelling WAAAGH!!, kommandos screeching, humie emprah muzik, an' dat zoggin' Noize beakie dubstep groxshit
>Spot Cogboyz an' humies preparing defenses
>Motion to my MegaNobz ta get ready ta open fire an' bellow:
>All four MegaNobz open fire wid all dey shootaz, rokkits an' skorchaz as we start stompin' toward da cogboyz an' humies, ready to krump sum gits
>even 'az foirin' trigga above itz legz
Please don't tell me that trigger is what I think it is...
>Be Salamanders Battle Brother Sol
>see the huge Ork harpoon pulling our battle barge toward the hulk get shot off by macrocannons
>Wait, why is our barge still heading toward the hulk
>Hear my brother techmarine mutter something about 'tractor beams' as the battle barge slowly turns its bow toward the hulk
>Hear noise marine music over the vox channels
The collision AT MOST only got about half the regiment. You have more than enough bodies to properly die for the emperor. Now go show the angels of death why IG is a top tier army
>combat knife
Tape one to the other. You just affixed bayonet. Now go be a hero guardsman
>lewd daemonette giggling
In an unexpected twist, the Ork works the pink daemonette like a shoota and it actually fires dakka like a shoota.

Because WAAAGH!!! > the pleasures of Slaanesh.
Pic sorta related.
>Orks attack again in force, screaming about taxes
>There is a lot of them, Including four really big ones, each as big as or bigger than the one I meltaed
>The NCO left to check and see if there are survivors on the newly crashed frigate
>Atleast the Guardsmen are using their Lasguns properly this time
>Switch to a Plasma Gun and start blasting Orks and Grots left and right, the rest of the Tech Priests join me
>Right as it looks like we are going to be overwhelmed, the Skitarii and the Magos arrive, tearing through the Orks with the best weaponry Man can fabricate
>The Magos is truly a sight to behold, far more blessed machine than man and as large as an Ork Nob, decked out with several armed Mechadendrites and a swarm of Las firing servo skulls
>Makes me, a senior Engineseer with decades of service and augmentation, look like a lowly initiate to the Machine Cult
>With the help of the Magos and his Skitarii rangers, we are able to hold the line against the Greenskin tide
Forgot to add at beginning
>Be Senior Tech Priest Enginseer Osiron
>Be Ork Boy
>'ave weird pansy shaped snazzgun
>it shootz loadz an loadz uv dakka
>moar dakka dan any snazzgun i've seen before
>da dakka iz loud
>da dakka iz flashy
>killan more humies and spiky humies den evah before
>zoggin fing giggles an moanz wheneva i pull da trigga
>Be Battlesister Adena
>By the Emperor, I survived the crash.
>No idea how many of my fellow sisters survived.
>Stumble out of a hole in the frigate with my flamer in hand
>See a few grots and immediately fry them
>Suddenly hear Noise Marine "wubwubwubwub" music echoing through the space hulk halls.
>Great. Now I'm probably gonna end up being raped and violated by the Ruinous Powers.
>Well at least I won't end up being bdsm tortured by dark eldar, so that's a plus I guess
>Be Captain Aurelius
>Notice the screeching/WAAAAAHHHHing has died down.
>Decide to experiment
>Fire at the lower levels of the Space Hulk again
>Screeching/WAAAAHHHing intensifies to new heights
>Order master of Ethirics to shut off Auger arrays
>He does so, Hymns to the Emperor and Noise Marine music shut off, but can still hear faint Screeching and WAAAHing
>Hear Screeching and WAAAHing across thousands of kilometers of Void
>By the Emperor
>Be Daemonette
>a power armored cutie patootie just stumbled out of the wreckage
>she's holding a flamer, burning greenskins left and right
>I'm going to follow her for a while, and then I'm gonna tap that power booty!
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Time to play HEALTH on full blast and tear through hallways a-la synthwave Doomguy.
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>Be Battlesister Adena
>Making my way through space hulk, setting anything that moves on fire
>Don't even realize there's a daemonette following me while I hear the sound of loud dubstep echoing off the walls
>huh this music is kinda catchy
I don't get it.
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Could a Space Hulk ever be used as a Fortress-Monastery? As long as it was cleared of any xeno fucking shits or daemons.
Well if it's as big as this one (which is planetoid-sized I think?), sure, I don't see why not.
> Could a Space Hulk be used as a Fortress/Monastery?
Soul Drinkers.gif
Yeah but they are were Renegades. They can swing their dicks however they want.
what would this be archived as?
>Battle of the Gian Space Hulk?
I mean, assuming they don't reach that recently rediscovered plant mentioned in the OP. That would definitely change things.
>be jeanstealah
>apparently, wun a dem norn kweenz iz on board now
>got da rest uv us bug ladz all orky-like
>itz first orderz, aside from 'avin' a good romp, iz ta figger out 'ow you can eat dem tin ladz
>dunno wot da zog a tin lad iz
>maybe a beakie?
>suggests we try ta rust 'em first
>dunno 'ow ta rust a beakie, maybe git 'em wet?
>order da more 'umie lookin' jeanstealah gitz ta start settin' up bukkitz 'a water on da doorways, so when da beakiez open da doorz it douses 'em roight good
>oi'z a jeanyus
>da kween'z gunna be so proud
>be me
>Be captain in 212th
>Spend past week in hospice after "safety training" with recruits
>Emperor damned hiver says it was accident. Needed bionic leg replacement
>Spent week being cared for by the battle sisters not so bad I suppose.
>Loud shrieking of metal against metal
>Claxons and vox alarms saying it was collision with space hulk... Fuck me.
>Sisters are barricading the entrance to hospice
>Members of 212th bolstering defense
>Hobble my ass to barricade and hear the dull "wubwubwubwub" coming from other side. Mixed with screeching, boltgun fire, explosions oh and a familiar clanging noises on doors. Breaching charges.
>Draw pistol. Door blows taking two sappers and a battle sister working on bracing door.
>Smoke still clearing and now that god awful underhive trash is blaring into hospice entrance.
>Ranks fire. Las fire blazes through entrance with audible, though muffled cries of pain and.. pleasure?! Voices in smoke begin chanting about laser rock shows before hurling through the smoke. Autogun fire shredding a few unfortunate guardsmen unable to duck in time as they run in.
>fire las pistol. First cultist clearing smoke gets a shot between the eyes.
>forced out of main foyer making the glo stick clad maniacs pay for every inch
>Scream heard over wubwub shit. Not one of the crazies? No. A RECRUIT?!
>crazy bastard lobs a grenade through the haze into a cluster of cultists sending meat and limbs everywhere before running in, his lasgun safety off and set to full auto.
>Spray lasfire at the surprised cultists in his way sprinting to new barricade.
>Looks to be entirely behind overturned table not firing. Why? Oh he left cultists a present. BOOM. Two more grenades turns the hallway into scorched bloody mess
>Compliment interrupted by tyranids attracted by the racket.
>Be Daemonette
>Fuck this chick has a nice ass
>Like, seriously! You could bounce a Bolt round off it!
>I'm getting sooooo hot just thinking about all the "fun" I'll have with her once she's suitably alone
>Might not even kill her, just keep her around as a "toy"
>After a while, I manage to find the crash site.
>One of the Bolter Bitches was definitely here, what with all the burning gretchin
>Think I'll poke around and try to find any more survivors before heading back to the barricade.
>Well, if everyone is still alive, that is. Heard something screaming about Taxes a while after I left to investigate
>I hope those idiots remembered to turn off their safeties before the fight...

>Be Noise Marine Maus
>Entered Imperial Guard Transport "Meat Grinder" early in the attack with my trusty sonic blaster
>Got completely turned around and ended up lost in bowels of ship for a bit
>finally make it to corridor outside medbay where all of Killrex's "new groupies" are holed up
>See an absolute bloodbath in front of me
>Dead cultists, genestealers, genestealer cultists and a couple of my battle brothers strewn across the corridor
>Notice there's a whiteshield standing next to me
>Hear loud "SCROIEEEEEE/WAAAAAGH!!!" echoing through the corridors
>Wait what?
>look around corridor and see another wave of genestealers headed toward this position
>Casually look at whiteshield as I turn the safety off my sonic blaster
>"You loyalists might want to run. That's a LOT of genestealers."
>Walk to middle of corridor intersection and level sonic blaster at oncoming horde
>Open fire on genestealer horde, not really caring if loyalists take my advice or not
>Fucking Killrex and his stupid groupie idea.
>Be Tax Assistant Grot
>Personal sekrit-ary to Nob Bujjetchoppa
>Be trusted to carry his choppa
>'E seems to be seein' Nob Dakkagutz 'avin trouble wiff da humies
>Its toim
>"Give me da Tax Form"
>I hand his choppa
>"Das a gud grot, yer gettin' a raise!"
>Gee thanks Nob- wait why grab me
>Get thrown some levels up, far from da foit
>Roit inna ventilayshun system
>Hope none of dem bugboyz' grots be here
Shouldn't this be in /qst?
Absolutely not.
/qst/'s for questing. Isn't why quests banished there is so we can have more 40k threads?
Shouldn’t you be in hell you candy ass
It should.
>Be Brother-Captain [REDACTED] of the Ordo Malleus [REDACTED] Knights Chapter
>Arrive at the target Space Hulk as per command from the Emperor's Holy Inquisition
>Analysis of battlegroups indicates Ork, Tyranid, Heretic and Imperial forces engaging in void and board combat.
>Initiate broadcast on all channels to notify Salamander, Guard, Mechanicus and Sororitas forces of the arrival of the Grey [REDACTED] to purge the Space Hulk. Order these forces to stand down and rejoice in the mercy of the Emperor.
>Deploy with Paladin squad in a drop pod through a level above the Imperial Transport collision cite.
>Command the Paladins to search and destroy all xeno, heretic and loyalist targets. Once their numbers are weakened we shall proceed to claim the Space Hulk for the chapter.
>Be Kor'El T'au J'karra, commanding the Gal'leath class ship Curiosity
>now that's a strange asteroid I'm seeing on radar
>I'll go with the away team to take some samples
Time for some Tau to get raped by Slaanesh.
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>me on the left
Than you get converted into combat drugs.
But how anon? the T'au killed Slaanesh.
There are Emperor's Children abroad.
>Be brother sergeant Oscilios
>Drop pod slams into hull. Feel impact reverberate through greaves.
>Something is wrong. Still moving.
>dropped problems.sigh
>Another impact. Then another. Another.
>Enhanced endurance keeps me from passing out fo more than a minute.
>Call sound off. Two responses short.
>Reoriented. Dropped is sideways. There is a scratching noise outside. No wait it is inside.
>HUD sensor detects an excessive amount of movement around then I see them. Ripper swarms.
>I hear the screaming of another battle brother shouting get out repeatedly before falling silent to the swarms.
>Finally manage to get emergency latch opened and the door keeping me and my remaining brother trapped in this pod flies open to what appears to be some kind of Tyranid breeding warren.
>Leap from pod and quickly order the interior cleansed in promethium. No holy flame comes. Fuck. Brother Xelvin had the flamer.
>Melta bomb right into the pod. Bright flash. BOOM. Blast ignites Xelvin's promethium tanks turning the interior into a barbaque.
>The SCREEEEEing of more tyranids attracted by the crash can be heard approaching en masse
You know how confusing it must be for the Tau to see a conflict between Emperor's Children and loyalists, right?
>Now, you're loyal to your Emperor, right?
>Then why are you fighting his children?
>Who are not children at all! I'd say they're teenagers!
Stupid fucking Tau.
>Be Kommando Deffgutz, no relation
>sneakin' about to find weyz through da Hulky fing
>dey'z in.. krawlin' wit them tyranid type fings
>hear krash like a rok hit da nest
>sundz like melty dakka exploshun o'er der
>tyranid are doin' the WAAAAGH to avoid deteckshun
>SKROOOOI as loud and orky as I kan so'z dem unseen targets dunno I'z an ork
>stomp real hard and good
>dey'z gunna fing I'm a nasty swarm of tyranid
>sneak up on dem new arrivuls at krash right an' propa
This thread sure got rolling.
>be me. Be Alpharius.
>Ordered to take brother's Alpharius, Alpharius, Alpharius, and Alpharius to gain control of discovered space hulk to use as staging ground for operations in sector.
>Infiltrate hulk to discover it inhabited by orks, tyranids and emperor's children
>Plan formed and ready to execute
>Brother Alpharius KIA when Orks began rampaging through decks 17 - 112 screaming something about "tax season"
>Brother's Alpharius and Alpharius sent into lower levels to investigate Tyranid territory. Contact lost, but objective achieved.
>Brother Alpharius was sent into territory of Warlord Killrex to dissolve the cult. Have not heard from him since.
>Managed to spoof false coordinates into imperial archive. Fleet should arrive and stir up commotion.
>Loyalists and hulk factions clashing.
Inquisition showed up as planned. Calling for exterminarus.
>Now to just wait while Inquisition wipes out the rest and discovers my present.
>Need to infiltrate Inquisition ship and delete their archive about the hulk before my brothers arrive to finish them.
>Drop Pod crashed into Tyranid territory. Should be a decent disguise down there

>Be da Ork Freeboota Warboss
>Dez beakies fink dey can take mah hulk widout da proppa loicense?!
>yell inta da sqawk bawks at da Mekboyz ta turn on ALL da enjuns on da far side o' da hulk
>Da planetoid-sized 'ulk starts drifting toward the new humie kroozas wicked fast, 'eadin' ta hit catch dem wid da hulk's massive side
>If ah cannae harpoon da humies an' drag 'em to mah hulk, ah'll bring da hulk ta them!
And the Imperium thought the administratum tax man was bad. Ork tax boyz iz even worse!
OP here. Postin' from work. Holy Terra this thread's getting interesting.
Where are those fucking Eldar?!
Wait so is this a Stercus Ludicrum and Dominus Pillowus situation?

Because if so awesome
>Be Farseer Motoril of Craftworld Samm-Hainn
>See the myriad strands of fate
>Call the council of warlocks and exarchs
>Mon'keigh, servants of the Hungering One, Tyranids and Orks all converge on the Space Hulk
>If any side should gain dominance, the safety of the Craftworld's secret cache of one million jetbikes will be jeopardized
>Ground forces deployed with the mission to control the flow of battle
World Eaters crash into the Space Hulk when?
It most definitely is anon. Except this time it's... not on a planet (yet)?
They're killing each other over a Space Hulk.
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>Be Battlesister Adena
>Making my way deeper into the center of this space hulk
>Burning anything that moves with the power of blessed promethium
>Barbecued greenskins, tyranids and cultists oh my!
>suddenly hear an Inquisitor on the general vox channel telling everyone to stand down and that the legendary Grey [REDACTED] chapter will take care of the problem
>No way am I standing down just end up being used for hexagrammic runes by some up-jumped mutant, Inquisition-sanctioned or not!
>Burn out a couple more greenskins
>flamer's promethium tank suddenly runs empty
>Drop flamer and pull out my boltpistol as I move closer to the 'WUBWUBWUBWUB' sounds, completely alone in a dark corridor
>Hang on
>Is there an honest-to-Emprah RAVE going on in this space hulk?
>Bit of a raver back in my schola days
>The temptation is real
An alpha legion planned ruckus to be exact
>be Ranger Vroomisal
>assigned by Samm-Hain Autarch to monitor the barbaric orks in the depths of the
>got cut off from the rest of the squad by unforeseen Tyranid gaunt maneuver
>A female double Mon'keigh marches past my hideout, deeper into the ork stronghold
>Incinerates greenskins on the way, but appears to have depleted her primitive weapon
>take a shortcut through an upper level to make way ahead of the Sister of Battle
>kill a foul Noise Marine and Nob with a single shot through their heads
>apparently they were holding a contest over the noise these creatures call music
>leave a spare Fusion Gun for the Sororita to find
>don't even realize it starts fusing with the Blastmaster and Snazzgun due to the residual musical energies affecting the wraithbone
>walk away confident the double Mon'keigh will have no choice but to use it once her ammunition depletes

>Be me
>Unimportant 212th Guardsman Recruit
>Things are happening so fast right now
>We're being saved by... a Traitor Marine?
>Quickly fall back to the medbay and switch out my lasgun's power pack while Noise Marine continues dubstepping tyranid horde into oblivion
>Suddenly someone's broadcasting on every channel telling us to stand down and rejoice in the mercy of the Emperor
>stand down
>as in stop fighting
>while scary-as-hell genestealers, traitor marines, and greenskins are on the ship, which is stuck on a space hulk
>Look at regiment captain in disbelief
>"Are they serious sir?"
"loyalist targets". Hang on a minute, LOYALIST TARGETS? So the [REDACTED] Knights are going to be purging loyal Imperial citizens too? Bunch of team-killing fucktards...
>no relation
Actually died a little.
>Be Daemonette
>oh, what a lovely little pitch black corridor!
>prepare to perform the dance of my people when I see a bloody Eldar of all things
>I've got to... "handle"... this Sister first. She looks like she's been in a race or two before
leave it to an Eldar to fuck up in such a monumental way.
>Stand down?
>No, seriously. What does that mean?
>haul ass back to the head tech priest when I hear particularly loud booms and screaming.
>Sorry, ladies... you're gonna have to look after yourselves for a while longer.
>Space hulk? As in the thing full of all kinds of scary xenos that want to eat my face and use my skin for curtains?
Worry not fellow Imperial citizen.
Space Hulk is inhabited by foul xenos known as orks. Okrs are warlike, brutes and enemies of man but they are stupid, small, cowardly and easily dispatched by accurate fire of your well maintained lasgun. Orks will flee if you kill bigest of them(who should be a bit smaller than regular guardsmen).
It is all in you "Imperial Uplifting Infantryman's Primer", also did you kept "blank space" inside the book clear?
>Be me
>Sergeant Brother [REDACTED]
>Lead Interceptor Squad assigned to purge the region near the Imperial Guard blockade
>Sudden ork attack has left the squad down to just myself and Battle Brother [REDACTED]
>Reports coming in from other squads
>Genestealers on the move
>probably to break the last of loyalist positions
>arrive at the transport landing zone
>genestealers en masse on a heretic Noise marine
>traitorous cur is actually making short work of them with his foul tech heresy
>order Battle Brother [REDACTED] to engage the Noise Marine
>enter deeper into the transport to search for survivors
>containing the spread of heresy is top priority
You seriously expect anyone to believe this groxshit?

>Be Warmaster Killrex
>Life is good
>getting sucked off by sexy-as-fuck Daemonette
>watch through armorglass as frigate containing order's worth of Sororitas crashes into side of space hulk
>A cultist runs up and informs me that a bunch of Eldar Rangers have popped up on the hulk, and there's apparently a Tau battleship nearby
>Grey Knights show up
>Track their drop-pod to see where it lands and gets my Kakaphoni ready.
>It hits the Tyranid-controlled area of the ship
>Suddenly the hulk starts slowly moving toward the corpse-worshipper's ships
>Wait, that "tax"-obsessed Ork isn't trying to hit all of the Imperium ships with the hulk's momentum alone, right?
>Realize that's EXACTLY what the mad xenos on the hulk's "bridge" is trying to do
>Decide to relocate to the cultist rave since its inside one of the abandoned ships NOT on the outer layer of this absurdly huge space hulk
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>Be Hellion working for the Blades of Desire
>Fucking around in the webway with some buddies
>Speedballing hypex and grave lotus off of a Wych's tits
>Literally will drop dead if I start to come down from or up on the other too quickly
>Hear some dope music coming from an opening in the webway
>"Boys and girls, it's time for a rave!"
>Come out of Webway
>Chaos everywhere, including actual Slaaneshi cultists
>Meh, blood rave is only about a 5/10 at this point
>Sororitas bitches show up
>Rave is still only 6/10 at this point
>Oh well, we're already crashing this party anyway
Is Sergeant [REDACTED] the Silver Knight?
World Eaters start representing Khorne when?
As out 345th billion guardsmen you have just won free vacation on nearby Paradise World of your choosing.
Pleas report to nearest commissar to claim your prize.
Emperor Protects.
Man fuck that groxshit. It's just a setup for me to be blammed.
>Be Guardsmen #1056372
>Everything's going to shit.
>Orks, Eldar, Heretics, Tyranids and fucking Tau fucking our shit up.
>I hate this job. I really do.
>Bolter bitches are the only thing making these shitfest worth it.
>Well time to kill a lot of things
>For the fucking EMPEROR!
>Be communications officer.
>Commissar orders to transmit balm order for some random guardsman
>set up the vox console
>praise machine spirit.exe
>it's jammed.jim
>all we can hear are hymns to Emperor, chaos techno, and ork rap
>all we need now is tau-pop
>radio silence.FM
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>Be smartass guardsman
>Realize blam order has not come
>All that is playing over the vox are hymns to the emperor, chaos techno, and ork rap
>Realize now you can go and blam Commisar.
>be me
>Commissar Irina Marcus of Unimportant 212th
>really hopefully that the requisition order for balm has gone through
>need to have the delivering guardsman apply it to my neck and back to treat some of the burns taken during the recent fighting
>Guardsman approaches me with deliberate intent
>"Ah, soldier, are you prepared to serve the Emperor in your full capacity?"
>Be me
>Smartass Guardsman
>Realizes Commisar wants balm
>Be Dakkagutz
>Dem cogboyz iz 'arder den dey look
>Dey even killed wun o' me MegaNobz
>get outta da wey az a bunch o' big red bomb squigs run past.
>first wun leaps at closest cog-git an' chomps down on his shoota 'fore goin' boom
>Explosion krumps a whole mob o' gitz
>Otha bomb squigs rush in, one o' dem steppin' on da Rites o' da Sacred Toaster Scroll, itz claws ripping it up as it runs by an' chomps on wun o' da Cog-nobz weird metal arm-fings an' goes BOOM
>Be me
>Smartass Guardsman
>Realizes I'm fucked if they find out about me blamming the Commisar
>What do?
>Defect to Chaos and hope to whatever beings exist that they don't rape me and turn me into combat drugs
>Be Battlesister Adena
>Hear something behind me and turn around
>Can't see very far in front of me
>decide to risk shooting a bolt round for temporary light from muzzle flash
>Fire boltpistol
>Oh fuck its a daemonette
>unload my entire boltpistol in panic
>somehow miss all the shots
>Decide to run like the Warp's after me
>Which it is
>Trip over blastmaster/fusion/snazzgun-abomination and fall facefirst into the metal floor
>Ow my head...
>welp, she knows I'm here now.
>jump to the left, step to the right, blah blah blah
>scuttle toward the Sister, slaanesh has blessed me! Not one bolt shell hit me, somehow...
>pelvic thrust my way closer, shes defenseless!
>desperately search for a weapon to try and shoot the daemonette with
>damn that Slaaensh rave music is really getting in my head
>its getting hard focus
>find the end of the blastmaster/fusion/snazzgun
>aim weapon in general direction of Daemonette
>pull trigger
>Nothing happens
>"God-emperor damn it! Why does this shit keep happening to-Eh?"
>suddenly notice that the residual musical energies are causing the wraithbone to start warping the guns together and fuse them with my right arm
>flail my arm around blindly, trying to get this... thing off
>Be me
>Smartass ex-guardsman
>Walking through ship after blamming commisar
>Looking for Chaos warband to join up with
>Following the Chaos music
>Well, shit
>this isn't supposed to happen
I dunno what's going on, but I'm getting hard anyway.
>since I'm probably not going to be interrupted any time soon, continue with my ritual dance
>lots of air humping and twerking involved
>keeps flailing, don't even notice the wraithbone is fusing the gunbarrels together
>Feel the heat rising in my face as the daemonette starts dancing
>swing my "gun arm" out in front of me in frustration and the blastmaster barrel smacks daemonette in the ass mid-twerk
>stagger to my feet and try to fight off the disorientation from these warp-cursed rave music, still swinging my arm around as the musical, warpy energies just make the wraithbone move all the way up to my elbow
>be Ork Boy
>'av weird pansy shaped snazzgun
>be shootan spiky gits all da way fru corri-corrid-path
>see anutha weird fing
>itz shaken weird wif an humie
>wonda if all dose weird fings can turn inta shootas
>Be archmagos
>Oportunity for tech recovery like no other
>Call up the Vanguard to irradiate everything in sight, friend or foe alike
>Beep-boop my way around this nightmarish combination of the Omnisiah's gifts and trash
>Zap several bioforms in frustration
>binaric screeeeeeee
>Sensors go fuck wild
>Gravguns maybe?
>Cling clang down dark corridor
>Servo skulls around me explode
>See multiple bioforms, who in fuck cares where's the power coming from
>Arm of one is wrapped in that shitty Eldar paper, pulling more shit towards it, some of my arms included
>She smacked my ass! That means she consents!
>pause for a moment to glance at the stupid Ork trying to get my attention
>slight jealousy when I see Hannah getting repeatedly jerked off when the ork tries to "shoot" her
>anyway, time to get to business! Just gotta figure out to to get that armor off...
>be Ork Boy wif snazzgun
>tryin ta get attention of Weird Fing
>weird fing iz ignoring me
>zog it
>run, pick up the sister, and run away in a blind panic
>also, please dont shoot my ass... I work hard for this figure!
>Da zoggin shoota iz runnin away
>getting carried off by Daemonette
>flail wraithbone arm useless, just end up hitting her ass some more
>See archmagos
>Consider calling for help.
>See that 'look' techpriests get when they want to dissect someone
>Notice Ork chasing after us carrying another daemonette with his hand between its legs.
>Somehow its firing bullets at us
>Stare in disbelief
>look at Daemonette
>"Please don't tell me that greenskin is grabbing what I think it is..."
Time for some Stockholm syndrome.
>Be Noise Marine Maus
>Nearly done blasting apart the genestealers
>Notice an other Astartes approaching
>Its a Grey Knight
>Turn and hit the Battlebrother with a shot from the sonic blaster and start backing up toward the medbay where that whiteshield ran earlier
>Might as well grab some sister hospitalier groupies and high-tail it back to the hulk
>Not like these silver knight are going to let any of these loyalists leave this hulk alive
>Look back to where the Sister was referring to
>that Ork is going to town on Hannah... lucky bitch...
>Kinda wish she wasn't shooting actual bullets at us, though. Lead isn't nearly as sexy as... other stuff...
>"Yep. I'm kinda jealous... I never get wanked like that...
>can feel the sisters boobs, so it's not all bad
>Hellion rounds the corner on his skyboard
>Conga line of mon keigh, greenskins, and creatures of the adversary
>Oh boy, this is gonna be fun
>Squeezes hellglaive in anticipation
>Snorts another line of grave lotus
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That music sounds interesting. Is that HEALTH the title of a song or the artist? I couldn't find something useful either way.

Recommend "Pertuberator: Complete Domination". Might fit your music taste.
>Be Battlesister Adena
>the Ork is LITERALLY wanking off a daemonette because it thinks its holding a shoota
>Hear screech and turn to see dark eldar skyboard right in front of us
>swing my fused arm in front of the daemonette as we run straight at it
>"Out of the way xeno filth!"
>suddenly the blastmaster goes off and shoots a powerful blast of bass straight at the dark eldar
>Look down at right arm and notice wraithbone is almost at my power armor's right pauldron
>Kor'El T'au J'karra Diary log.
>after losing 3 Fio'ui and 6 shas'la, we have determined that this is indeed not an asteroid, but some kind of human/ork ship.
>we have also found that this ship is being the battlefield for several alien species.
>we'll try to get more samples closer to the core of the ship
HEALTH is the band. For something they're known for beyond their own albums, they're also the guys who did the soundtrack for Max Payne 3.

I'm familiar with Perturbator, but thank you for the suggestion.
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Allright, thank you for the quick response. Max Payne 3 soundtrack was Kino. Gonna look that shit up.

Have a chuckle.
>finally notice the wraithbone growth
>"Um... does that hurt?"
>too busy running to even keep a boner right now
>it would also be less awkward if Hannah wasn't cumming her brains out.
>Poor Ork doesnt realize what's going on.
>Be Ork Boy wif weird Snazzgun
>be chasin future second Weird Snazzgun
>shootan dakka from first weird snazzgun
>me weird snazzgun fing start iz makin one loud weird sound
>weird snazzgun iz shootan 'uge flashy dakka
>da floor iz gettan slippery
>look down
>dere's weird lotsa color goo comin frum da bottom ov da trigga
[Ultra Lewd Ahegao Face Intensifies]
>Be Battlesister Adena
> the sound of the Slaaneshi rave music suddenly speeds up
>the leftover musical energies in the corridor gets excited in response
>wraithbone completely fuses to my armor, nearly crushing my arm in the process
>bite my lip in pain and glare back at the now confused Ork
>"This... This is nothing. I've had much worse than this warpspawn"
>Getting closer to the rave
>fucking finally
>a few pines of warp dust, some "stimulants", and a whole lot of dirt dancing, and I'll have this qt3.14 putty in my claw hands.
>the wraithbone fusing to her armor will be problematic, though...
>"If you say so, cutie. Oh, we're gonna have, like, so much fun at the rave!"
>I hope she likes twerking. I'm one of the best at it
>be Ork Boy wiff weird snazzgun
>da snazzgun haz stopped leakin
>'ear voice tellin me ta shoot moar
>wotdafinkoiwas gonnado.glyph
>da zoggan dakka ain't 'uge or supa supa loud or supa supa flahy any more
>only supa loud and supa flashy
>da fing'z broken!
>me future second weird snazzgun iz gettin away
would you believe that I got this idea from some thread that I must have read more than half a decade ago?
>Squirm uncomfortably against daemonettes grip in an attempt
>but the Slaanesh rave music has sapped my strength
>"Tch. Whatever."
>glares at Daemonette
Well, I'm about ready to pass out from the heat wave in my area. Catch you later anons.
>its hard to hold a stronk woman who dont need no man and run from "enemy fire" at the same time
>I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I ended up slipping in a puddle of... goo...
>land face first in it.
>My "date" is sent tumbling into the darkness
>Dammit... now I have to find her again...
>Dont notice the large, angry Ork running up behind me
Good thing you got a flashlight
so this is the second clusterfuck thread i get into,nice[/spoilers]
>Be Skittari Alpha BL2911
>Or as the local guard called me,"Bob"
>We've gotten into a real clusterfuck with this orks
>Got separeted from my group after a genestealer ambush
>See ork running towards a daemonette
>Unholster my plasma rifle
>Scream 01000110 01110101 01100011 01101011 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01101110 01100001 01101101 01100101 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01001111 01101101 01101110 01101001 01110011 01101001 01100001 01101000 at them
>fucked up the spoiler

>212th Unimportant Infantry Regiment
I already love them with a name like that.
>Be Senior Tech Priest
>Orks attack with red squigs
>They are exploding and killing several guardsmen and junior tech priests
>No issue, they can be reclaimed for further service
>One of them tore apart the sacred rites of the Toaster
>Start tearing through Orks left and right with my Mechadendrites
>One of the Orks tries to arm wrestle the largest Mechadendrite
>"Stupid fleshy, I can lift a Leman Russ with this servo-arm"
>RIP his arm off and beat him to death with it
>"I will salvage the holy texts and destroy these savages or die trying"
>Hear the Inquisition and Grey [REDACTED] are here
>"Never mind, Retreat"
I didn't mean to be gone so long
>rip his arm off and beat him to death with it
>a robot beating an orc in a spaceship with his own arm

That's fucking metal
>finally get back to the fight just in time to see the senior tech priest tear an Orks arm off and beat him with it
>hear the order to retreat
>"Fucking hell, I just got back too!
>check to see if any of the idiot recruits are still alive and prepare to fall back.
>Fucking [REDACTED] Knights. Team killing assholes...
>Be Nurgling
>Caught a ride with some new friends that smell funny
>they dont seem to like me very much though...
>I think I'll take a walk and find new friends!
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>Be Ork Warboss Angrak Kannen-Megadak
>Control huge planetoid-sized Space Hulk traversing through the warp that me boyz called the Megahulk
>Spend months fighting off daemons with all my boyz. Have a good ol' rompin' time WAAAGH!in and krumpin'.
>Suddenly rift opens into realspace and the Megahulk is suddenly back in material space.
>Look out of viewing platform of one of the old Imperial vessels at nearby space.
>By Gork and Mork! It's another Space Hulk! And dere's fightin' goin' on over dere!
>Suddenly get divine vision from Ork gods.
>I now knows what I gots ta do.
>I gots ta ram my Megahulk into dat dere Space Hulk and create an even mega-er Space Hulk!
>I gots ta travel the galaxy, collecting Space Hulks and big guns until I have the bigga-est, mega-est, dakka-ist Space Hulk with all the greatest kannons imaginable!
>I gots ta collect every ship and gun ever and shove them all tagetha until every shooty thing in the galaxy is part of my great Megahulk!
>Only then can wez fulfill the prophecy of Gork and Mork and shoot every kannon at once and turn both the material and immaterial dimensions into nothing but endless, reality-ending dakka!
Don't you die on me
>Be Captain Aurelius
>Been shooting at the space hulk, experimenting with the screeching and WAAAHHHing
>Think it may be possible to make music out of it
>A New planetoid sized space hulk has just come out of the warp
>New space hulk is making a beeline towards the first one
>Fleet Admiral has ordered us to get out of the way, dont need to tell me twice
>Order the ship to move, atleast this new one isn't firing harpoonz
>Hear more WAAAAHHHing on the vox
>Great more greenskins
>Fuck this, the Inquisition and the Grey [REDACTED] can deal with this shit
>Actually, this seems more like Deathwatch work, where are those fucks at?
>Be Deathwatch Captain Lysanders of the Imperial Fists
>Recieve a signal from a "Captain Aurelius"
>Aparently some heavy shit's going down if the Grey [REDACTED] are involved
>Tell my squad that we're going on a space hulk,so pack the standard equipment
>I have 3 space marines under my command
>Brother Vult of the Black Crusaders, who's a zealous fuck who tried to kill our astropath once
>Brother Grimmar of the Space Wolf,an amiable battle brother who loses all sense of tactics whenever he sees Chaos Space Marines
>And Brother Sensiblis of the Silver Skulls chapter,a professional techmarine with an obssesion with storm bolters,but other than that,a normal space marine
>We set course towards the space hulk
>Thank fuck chaos marines are uncommon in a space hulk,because i don't wanna see one of those crazy assholes again
now all we need is some necrons and i think that would be everyone.
>robots that can melt metal in a metal spaceship that's barely holding together
Did someone said everyone but necrons dies
Soi soi motherfucker
Where the organic bitches at
yeah but that would ultimately be what the necron would want.( Can you guess what race i play as?)
orks :^)
*gasp!* How'd you know?
Be Necron Lord Hotenath Harbinger of Awakening
Order ship to stay clear of space hulk it is not a tomb world so it is unimportant.
ah shit i forgot to green it!
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>be Shas'O Vior'la Den'ki
>earth caste woman tells me the amalgamation of ships that intercepted communications chatter call a "Space Hulk" it structurally unsound
>Crisis Suits are ready for deployment
>receive report from Stealth Suit team that they have infiltrated to the core of the Hulk
>demon females or indeterminate, armored females, dancing females (and some males), armored males with and without spikes, screaming hoverboard riding females(?) and multi-limbed xenomorphic creatures are battling over the hallways
>this is what we have trained for the last 14 years while traveling through realspace to get here
>give order to deploy Crisis Teams
>leap from airlock into the void of space, advanced Tau computers taking care of attitude adjustment
>land on the exterior of the Hulk as ANOTHER, LARGER Hulk tears from the unknown into the real space
>the void lights as our superior weaponry begins tearing segments off the new arrival
>Be Senior Tech Priest Osiron
>The orks seem to be running out of bodies to send at us
>My NCO buddy returned to see me club that Ork to death
>That one Tech Priest is staring at him again
>Get word from the navy, another space hulk has emerged from the Warp
>mfw the Hulk is headed straight into this one
>mfw it will take several more hours of cutting to get this transport dislodged
>Talk to the Magos in binary, tell him maybe we can go to that Frigate full of Sororitas and get it moving
>He agrees, but wants to go through the center of the Hulk to find "the good stuff"
>Not sure what he means, but it is the most direct path
>Send several servitors to retrieve the Holy Text fragments
>a few come back with 78% of the fragments, several are ripped apart by Orks
>Inform the NCO, what is left of the Guard leadership, and the Captain of the Transport of our plan
>Hope they agree
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>Be Hellion
>So high that everything is happening in slow motion
>Shot may as well be thrown by a mewling infant
>Zoom over the scene and take it in
>Some mon'keigh being eaten by wraithbone carried by adversary
>Some greenskin doing something very amusing
>Some other mon'keigh with a fun look in his eye
>Break into my supply of Adrenalight
>Slowly coast around the interior as I savor the stuff
>Nothing is quite as dangerous as someone on this rotten stuff
>Naturally I have to melt my face off with it
>Howl loudly just as something hits the exterior

>This is bat country now
>Be Lysander
>finally arrive at the hulk
>why is there another hulk
>is..is that a tau warship
>hear brother vult screeching about the purging we need to do in the emperor name
>i hope he dosen't get to riled up
>if i could feel fear, his charges into battle would terrify the shit out of me
>grab my thunder hammer,my bolter and my storm shield
>tell the squad we're boarding
>Sensibilis ask which hulk
>"The one that sent the distress signal"
>"And that one is?"
>Fuck it
>Use the ship's vox to send a signal
>Hopefully someone non retarded will pick it up
>Tech Priest Osiron had a good idea to fall back to the Sisters Frigate
>Try to ignore the creepy cog gril as I scav- I mean, retrieve a vox caster unit.
>Pry one off whats left of Private Jimmy, looks like he tried to head-butt an Ork
>Let's hope it still works. I'll take it to Osiron to be sure.
>Turn it on anyway, just in case
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>Be Hellion
>Getting some kind of communication
>filthy mon'keigh language
>Get asked questions in filthy mon'keigh language
>Ask if they have Prince Albert in a can
That's heresy.
>Be Lysanders
>what in the emperor name have i done to deserve this
>some eldar is asking us if we have "Prince Albert" in a can
>this xeno thinks he can fuck with my vox and ask me stupid bullshit
>thank her for the coordinates
>this fucker dosen't even know what righteous fury awaits him

>Be Hellion
>Do another line of grave lotus
>Observe the shit fuckery before me
>Consider flying off deeper to get that sweet wub wub
>Keep floating around because this might be fun
>Be Daemonette
>Lurking in the shadows, fappin' and schlickin' at the same time
>See some Dark Eldar snorting lines and flying a stupid Green Goblin glider
>Target Acquired
>Imma clothesline this bitch and have some "fun"
>be Shas'O Vior'la Den'ki
>appreciating how perfectly every single round fired from the Crisis Teams is hitting the new Hulk
>Air Caste cruiser bridge crew send news
>Boarding vessels launched from one of the gue'la ships
>order battlecruiser to shoot down what they can, figure it will help thin numbers out
>can feel vibrations through battlesuit, constant tempo, very deep bass sound
>with new hulk now damaged, consider first part of operation a success and begin cutting into first hulk
>Stealth Team reports sighting of ork masquerading as xenomorph, relay sounds of "Skrrroiiii"
>finally board into the hulk
>I can see that eldar
>he looks high in all of the combat drugs
>brother vult charges at it before i can even unholster my bolter
>he suddenly stops mid charge
>all of his memento gone,i don't know how he does it
>starts charging to the side screaming "FEEL THE WRATH OF SIGISMUND YOU WARP SPAWN"
>wait warp spawn
>he's charging at a fucking daemonnete
>start shooting at the eldar in the dumb fucking flying machine

>Be Hellion
>Flying along
>The colors of everything are so bright
>Everything is happening so slowly
>Oh my true Queen
>My glider
>You're the only one who really gets me
>Just cruising through the streets of Commoragh in my 64 glider
>I can show you the world
>On my magic carpet ride
>Flying over the scene just taking it in at slow motion speeds
>It's truly magical
>Begin firing splinter pods because why not
>A whole new world!
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>Be Senior Tech Priest Osiron
>Ork attack has been mostly repelled
>Sgt Robertson brought me a Vox Caster and asked me to make sure it works
>It looks like a squig was chewing on it
>start reciting rites in binary and splash it with sacred oil
>Some of the oil hits Robertson
>Junior Tech Priest moved a bit closer to us, squirming a bit
>Screech at her in binary for distracting me
>Finish rites to appease the machine spirit and give the device a light thunk
>Works like a charm
>Vox Caster starts working again, with only a little bit of static
>Hand it back to him
>Some more guardsmen and navy men from the shipare rallying with us, we are almost ready to push
>Be Brother Lysanders
>What the fuck is the xenos doing
>I can't land a fucking shot on him
>Is....he singing?
>Fuck it
>Holster bolter
>Unsheathe Thunder Hammer and Storm Shield

>Be Brother Vult
>Wait why do i feel like there's a lewd hole in reality
>Turn around to locate the source of this new heresy
>Be Daemonette
>Well, this didn't go as planned...
>Here I was, getting ready to murder and/or rape this Dark Eldar Thot and/or Chad, when some brute of a Space Marine come charging at me!
>Seriously, like, I wasn't even going to fight them, I'm just horny!
>Use my super sexy legs to launch myself at the Eldar so I can try and take him/her away to a more "private" area
>I ain't getting cock-blocked without a fight!
>Be Captain Aurelius
>A Tau Vessel has arrived on the scene
>Why do these guys show up to everything?
>They ignore Imperial ships and focus fire on the second space hulk
>They continue to maintain position between the hulks and keep shooting, dropping something off on the first
>Do they realize the second hulk is the size of a moon? Do they think they are actually accomplishing anything?
>"Hey, who wants to see these blueberrys get sandwiched?"
>Be me
>Sergeant Brother [REDACTED]
>Wander around in the "Meat Grinder" transport looking for heretics
>Communications from allied [REDACTED] squads indicate heavy resistance from xeno forces
>Imperial forces have been reported to fend off the xenos threat with ease and are now converging on the Sororitas Frigate
>find the medbay and begin cleansing the Sister Hospitaliers
>ensure to coat power armor with two layers
>when there is but one left, the Emperor-damned Noise Marine shows up
>must have defeated Battle Brother [REDACTED] in a grueling duel that surely was not a single shot to the head
>"[REDACTED] Knights are here to destroy you slave of Chaos!"
>power up warglaive
>slip on fresh blood
Is this DS9? This feels like DS9.
>Be Brother Vult

>Be Brother Sensibilis
>Hope there are some adeptus mechanicus bretheren in the hulk
>Oh shit both captain and vult are charging
>It looks like that daemonnete is trying to escape
>how about no
>Unholster my storm bolter
>Take aim
>Release the Omnisiah's wrath upon the unclean
>By the Deus Mechanicum is it nimble
>I still got a good shot
>I think

>Be Hellion
>Evade clumsy mon keigh weapons
>See Daemonette coming right at me
>So high
>So fucking high
>Go to grasp a claw in my hand
>Initiate tango protocol
>Going to sniff Adrenalight off this bitch and/or bastard's tits before I drop her in the middle of the conga line
>be Shas'O Vior'la Den'ki
>finish cutting into the Hulk alongside bonded brother fireteam, all the Crisis suits accounted for as we breach
>relay orders to cruiser to ready all railguns to shoot damaged sections of new hulk at it impacts the first
>inside hulk can see the absolute chaos occuring
>orks come at glorious XV-8 armor, primitive rounds bouncing off
>show them their mistake in ignoring the greater good with a hail of burst cannon rounds
>see some kind of spiky armored gue'la shredding a strange noise making weapon against tyranids
>yet more beings who refuse the light of the Tau
>ignore and start heading deeper into the core of the hulk, ordering stealth teams to prepare the area
>Be Daemonette
>The Hellion grabbed my claw...
>They are soooo getting raped now!
>Look back at the angry brutes chasing us
>Decide to flash "The Goods" at them, for funsies!
>That one space marine with the machines in him is a good shot, though.
>He actually shot my ass! I worked hard to make it so jiggly, damn it!
>That prude, Hannah, is going to be insufferable at the twerking contest...
>Be Hellion
>Grab Daemonette's claw like she's my skyboard
>I can show you the world
>Disco teim
>Accelerate through the maelstrom
>Be Senior Tech Priest Osiron
>Hear sounds on the Transport
>Sounds like marysues, psyker bullshit, and teamkilling
>Activate the feed from a servoskull on the ship
>Its a team of Grey [REDACTED], they just slaughtered some hospitalliers and are fighting a Noise Marine
>Fuck it, we aren't waiting any longer
>Large group of Tech Priests, Skitarii, Guardsmen, Navy Men, and a few Sororitas flee deep into the Space Hulk
>Magos takes the lead, says we need to get the "good shit"
>Send my remaining servitors covered with det-packs over to the Grey [REDACTED] to "provide support"
>Fuck those freaks
>Be Brother Lysarder
>Are...are they trying to fuck each other
>I don't know what to do
>I'm done
>Leave them to their shit, i'm sure they eventually kill each other
>Brother Sensibilis tells me that he's crecking to see if any member of the mechanicus are here
>Yeah sure
>However i can't just leave the xeno-daemon pair here
>Specially when they're flying off
>"Vult and Grimmar,chase the zenos while we try to find any officers"
>That'll keep them happy
>I mean i'm fond of Grimmar, but i preffer if he didn't call techpriests "walking soupcans", and the less said of his behavior around inquisitors,the better
>Be Brother Sensibilis
>Hear the unmistakeble sounds of plasma guns
>Tell Captain this
>Pick up the pace, since it sounds like they're in serious problems
>Did i hear a Nemesis weapon?
>Fucking [REDACTED] Knights
>Lysander isn't gonna be happy about this
> Be one of like two dozen Tempestus Scions on ship
> Woken up during only permitted sleeping time
>Couldn't sleep through wubs, screaming, shouts of WAAAGH, scripture playing over vox and comm bead
> just_5_more_minutes_in_the_name_of_the_emperor.commbead
> Shooting gene stealers, orks, and other assorted bullshit with hotshot las
> Run into dark eldar
> Fuck_this_and_fuck_you.emperor
> Crank fire selector from heresy to DOUBLE HERESY
> Bright las punches a hole right through his BDSM gear

Emperor help me if this isn't solved by my next sleep cycle.
>continue past more firefights between all sorts of aliens
>see some normal gue'la desperately trying to survive, shooting their flashlight weapons at the oncoming genestealer swarms
>xv-86 coldstar has enough missiles to destroy most tanks
>fire ONE at the genestealers
>continue on towards the core
>send message to bond brothers, tell them to prepare the pulse ordnance, we are going to blow this thing apart, and with luck, take out the second one too

>be me vox caster
>the toaster fucker order me to call reinforcements
>warp distortion of comms
>well at least i tried
>Be me
>Ranger Vroomisal
>Naive T'au have now entered the fray, upsetting the balance of power
>Observe the movements and ordnance carried by their teams
>Enough of their primitive yet ridiculously powerful technology to destroy the Space Hulk
>The Imperial forces are in full retreat and will not attempt to stop them
>The forces of the Thirster have receded, apparently content to rave themselves to oblivion like a bunch of Dark Eldar
>Only the Orks left as viable puppets for this task
>Make way toward the last known location of Freeboota Warboss
>Isha willing he will bite the loot bait
>What could possibly go wrong if the orks get that ordnance, right?
By the way are the Salamanders all dead?
>Be Brother Vult
>We have been chasing the FILTHY XENO as our commander ordered
>Some scion blasted the FUCKING ELDAR with his lasgun
>Thank him on a job well done
>Hear the stomping of metal against metal
>Weird, Lysander went in the other direction
>Are those Tau
>Suddenly feel a jank
>Brother Grimmar pulls me and tells me
>"As much as i love a good scrap lad we need some support if we want to take those blue skinned bastards"
>Begrudgingly accept his point
>Fire suppresive fire at the UNCLEAN XENOS
>This will get their attention
>Grimmar voxes comander
>"Sorry Lysander but you're not gonna like this..."
>be me
>Rogue trader Sexlord Albert Euphranius III
>Robbins picks up some chatter on the vox
>Big party at a nearby spacehulk
>Everyone's Invited

>be me armentho,vox caster
>see seargent and cog girl looking each other
>this will have a sexual heretic ending
>mfw even if i survive this space hulk,we are gonna be purged by the sisters of batle, and comissars because a cog gril and her love interest
>Be Salamander Battle Brother Darius
>Dropped off from the battle barge to help out the Imperials on the Frigate
>Still some Sororitas and navy fellows alive, fighting Orks and Slaneshi Cultists
>apply cleansing fire and melta to the Enemies of Man
>Battle barge has pulled away from the hulk, but more teams are dropping in to deal with the Noise Marines and assist with evacuations of our Imperial Bretheren
>Vulkan would be proud
There's nothing heretical about guard male on admech female sexual intercourse in the ministorum position for the soul purpose of the Emperor's service.

>vox comunicator in the room sound

simple fellow guardsmen

if people want a hero,become one

practice shooting and hand to hand combat untill you are worthy of this conferences

i would advice you to get with the survivors of the crash,the toaster fuckers and the seargent are doing a decent job keeping us alive
At this point there is possibility what there were no spacehulk. Thats just 8-way collission in the void.
> Metal stomping from behind
> Turn to see huge ass astartes
> Between muttering about filthy xenos through his voxcaster, congaratulates me on a job well done
> This is an Astartes I can get behind
> In fact I will
> Apparently more astartes here
> the_emperor_wills_it.dataslate
> Astartes engages the group of tau that were around the next corner
> Tau in there big ass xeno power armor
> Lean against bulkhead and shoot at the battlesuits

I knew this ship was fucked when I noticed the sheer variety of enemies, but hopefully if I die helping the Astartes, the Emperor will forgive my failure to secure the ship.
>be Shas'O Vior'la Den'ki
>blasted gue'la are infighting amongst themselves, different factions seeming to have different objectives
>probably don't care we need to open this space lane to get the fleet through
>suddenly hail of fire comes down hallway, blowing chunks of armor off beautiful battlesuit exterior
>engage thrusters, retreat away from superior numbers
>"Shas'vre, what is going on with the Core Sector? We have limited time to deploy Pulse Ordinance before second Hulk impacts."
>be vox caster that have been trying to coordinate things under the orders of the tech priests and survivors

>the seargent have a lover thaat belong to the adeptus mechanicus...

>dark eldars,tyranids,orks,chaos factions,batle sisters,several space marine chapters all together had crashed here

>traitor noise marine is helping several IG because YOLO,well any help is good

>batle sister staked by dark eldar and demon
(gang bang incoming)

>grey kigths are going to kills us and take the space hulk for them

>our better chance is getting the salamander,create a defensive perimeter,get the bolt bitches and get out of here the faster we can

>several defensive cells of survivors are resisting incoming tyranids attacks in the deep of the hulk,at the same time in the HQ (basiclly what part of the ship didnt get rekt ) of the survivors we are being attacked by crazy orkz

>be me vox caster looking everithing trough the failing cameras and cooms of the severals ships the tech priest could manage to hack
>see traitor saving several loyalists
>see grey knights
>well i have more chances of surviving with the traitor
>i send him a invitation to one of the relative secure areas of the empire ship troug vox comms
>be me. Sexlord Albert Euphranius
>the third
>Enter realspace
>Call clyde
>Clyde the orange monkey comes out of his hole, wherever he lives on my ship
>Fucking clyde
>Fire up the vox, clyde
>Clyde runs into the master vox room with what can only be described as a psychopathic monkey grin
>I fucking love clyde
>He made the biggest fucking master vox I have ever seen. Fucker broadcasts to everyone in a thousand lightyears
>Get my boys on the line
>A fleet of abhumans armed with cameras, all stuffed into giant drop pods modified for their use
>Fire the drop pods at the hulk
>Turn on my microphone, broadcast the vox on full fucking blast
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>Be Battle Brother Vult
>Why were there laser coming for our flank though?
>"Brother Grimmar,did you bring a plasma gun?"
>"No Vult, that would have to be the Scion that's been following you like a fenrisian pup"
>Wait what
>Anyways, vox Lysander
>Tell him that the Tau have some kind of bomb
>"Take care of it yourselves, we have...other things to do"
>"Such as?"
>"Figuring out why there's a [REDACTED][REDACTED] here
>Oh fuck
>"Very well then"

>Be Brother Lysander
>Why are there fucking [REDACTED] here
>Apparently a warband of chaos space marines have invaded the hulk
>Catch onto an open vox
>Is that an invitation for a FUCKING CHAOS MARINE FROM A VOX CASTER

>spaces marines killing each other
>cog girl is being seductive with seargent....
im havin the weirder boner of my short life
>death wacth SM want me and new noise marine allie death,i will call him Billy
>use vox comms to talk to billy
>please dont kill us.jpg
>Be Brother Lysander
>Get a vox message
>It's the fucking heretic
>"Hey,listen billy, i know you might be mad but..."
>Pass him to Sensibilis because i'm too fucking mad for this kind of bullshit
>After some coxing(threats) from Sensibils he tells us that this alliance is just to save his ass from the [REDACTED] Knights
>"On the good side,we might able to make the marine repent"
>"If by repent you mean putting a bolter shell through his fucking brain then yes"
>time to see where this shitshow takes us
>intercept wideband signal of some insane gue'la wanting to broadcast the battle occurring with the hulk
>run diagnostic on suit, find damage to be repairable, but has rendered one cannon inoperable for the time being
>still have enough advanced firepower to take over a small nation, but the dishonor is clear
>FINALLY get a message back from the Shas'vre
>"Core area secured for the time being. No sign of tyranids or orks posing as tyranids for some time."
>"All teams, converge on core and plant explosives. I will notify the multitude of beings aboard this 'vessel' about impending destruction and give them time to escape. For the Greater Good."
>Be imperial citizen
>live a decent life on a backwater planet
>Die content of old age

>be vox caster
>i dont how i managed to explain billy why i make my alliance
>billy insult me because he dont llike his new nickname
>aww billy likes me in the deep,is tsundere
>hear billy and his friedn sensibilis talking about killing me,but in a more gentle way


>manage to intercept tau comms
>they have secure a area of the space and are gonna blow us


>call billy again and tell him about tau going to kill all of us (xenos,heretics,loyalist and others factions)
>offer him help to guide him trough this hellhole and use my noise marine friend to distract the enemies ,meanwhile they sneak in the tau secure zone
>Be me
>Sexlord albert euphranius
>The third
>See camera boy pod finally land
>Three of the fucking ogryn die in the explosion.
>Five of them are going berserk and fucking eating each other
>Must have had a bad lunch
>Three camera boys left, aiming the cameras
>literally nothing else interesting is online yet
>oh well
>Get clyde to turn into their channels and pick up the emperor-damned microphone
>Preemptively send camera crews into the halls
> Tau fucks off deeper into the hulk
> Comms crackle about some sort of broadcast
> Switch channels
> Same message
> Astartes discussing something, but can't hear them over this stupid ad for bloodbowl or some other schlock
> Spend the moment clicking backpack power supply to ship power socket.
> Could_be_worse.dataslate
> Try to comm other scions when channel clears
> The_silence_of_the_emperors_work.vox
>Be Brother Grimmar
>While Vult appears to have finished reporting to our captain, i strike a little chat with the scion
>A chat that is sadly interrupted when a voice informs us that we should be leaving the hulk for the greater good or some other shit like that
>"As if we would,right Vult?"
>Why is he trying to get hold of their vox frecuency
>So that's why

>deathwatch angry noises.vox
>billy can be a death watch marine,but in the soul he is a angry marine.....
>Be sekrit-ary Grot
>Dunno where nob Bujjetchoppa went
>Be in vents now
>Peek from da roof grate thing
>Oh shit, it's one of dem pansyboyz
>An' it's lookin' at me!
>Bout to whip me letter-opena' an' shiv 'em up
>Wozzis? Pansyboy sez dere be loadsa dakka dis way?
>Da bosses an' da nobs would loik dis news
>Scamper back inna vents
>Suddenly face-to-face wiff one o' da buggyboyz' grots
>'bout ta shank em but dere be more in da back
>One of dem sez "Oi, you! Know how to make tea?"
>Be Senior Tech Priest Enginseer Osiron
>Notice Vox-Caster's machine spirit is acting strange
>Do more rites of appeasement, specifically the rite of sleep
>It seems to be broadcasting our position to a Noise Marine
>Deathwatch are here, and they are pissed
>We reach the center of the Hulk, roughly
>Had to fight through some demonettes and Noise Marines but they seem more focused on raving
>Magos stops and says we have reached it
>Understand immediantly, it's the granddaddy of all Archeotech
>Knowledge that has been dismissed as mere legend by many more puritan sects of the Machine Cult
>I never thought I would get to see something like this, a true blessing of the Omnissiah
>A fully intact Microwave Oven, the true evolution of the venerable toaster
>The Magos skillfully extracted it from its place in what he said was an ancient "break room" and entrusted it to be protected by his Skitarii
>We must keep moving to protect this relic
>Be Brother Lysander
>The vox heretic tells us that the tau have planned to blow up the hulk
>"I heard it too, and we already have a man working on it"
>Hear,no FEEL Vult's scream
>Hear music
>It's a fucking noise marine
>Why would you ally with a marine of slannesh to protect yourself from [REDACTED] Knights
>It's like a man using a grenade to fill a bolter wound
Killrex Symphony Noise Marines & Slaaneshi Daemonettes
>Warmaster Killrex
>smartass ex-guardsman
Ork Freeboota Warboss Kaptin, the Tax Kollektas & Sneaky SKROOOI Kommando Boyz (Engines and guns)
>'Eadkracka [dead]
>Ork boy w/ Hannahgun
>MegaNob Dakkagutz
>Kommando Deffgutz
>Tax Assistant Grot
>Bomb squigs
>sekrit-ary Grot
Craftworld Samm-Hainn
>Farseer Motoril
>Ranger Vroomisal
>one million jetbikes tied to the fate of the Space Hulk
Dark Eldar Blades of Desire
>da kween
>Genestealer 212th infiltrator [dead]
Alpha Legion:
>Alpharius [dead]
>Alpharius [MIA]
>Alpharius [MIA]

>Ork Warboss Angrak Kannen-Megadak

Eccelesiarchy Reinforcement Fleet:
Imperial Troop Transport MEAT GRINDER
>Navy Captain Vane
-212th Unimportant
>OP Guardsman Recruit [MIA]
>Sergeant Bob Robertson
>Commissar Irina Marcus [dead]
>Regiment Captain [dead]
>Tempestus Scion
>vox caster Armentho
>last Hospitalier survivor
>Head Tech Priest Enginseer
>Senior Tech Priest Osiron
>Skittari Alpha BL2911
Sororitas Frigate Order of Verity Sisters of Battle
>Navy Captain
>Canoness Bimbo-bitch
>Battlesister Adena
Lunar-class Cruiser "Piety's Charge"
>Navy Captain Aurelius
Salamander Battle Barge "Vulkan's Strenth"
>Salamander Space Marine
>Battle Brother Sol
>Battle Brother Darius

[REDACTED] Knights Strike Cruiser:
-Paladin Squad
>Brother-Captain [REDACTED]
>Brother-Sergeant Oscilios
>Battle Brother Xelvin [dead]
-Interceptor Squad
>Brother-Sergeant [REDACTED]
>Battle Brother [REDACTED] [dead]

Deathwatch Strike Cruiser:
>Brother-Captain Lysanders
>Brother Sensibilis
>Brother Vult
>Brother Grimmar

T'au Forces:
Gal'eath Curiosity
>Kor'el T'au J'karra
Air Caste Cruiser:
>Shas'O Vior'la Den'ki

Rogue Trader Vessel
>Sexlord Albert Euphranius III
>Clyde the orange monkey
>Lord Hotenath Harbinger of Awakening
>Be me
>Sexlord fucking Albert
>Albert fucking Euphranius
>The third
>Fucking techpriests blasted one of my hall-squads
>One of those nutjobs stole a camera
>Pissed as fuck
>Those things cost money
>Never turns it off
>I don't fucking talk about his shit as he nears the core.
>Fucker reaches it
>broadcast on all channels
File: descarga (25).jpg (10 KB, 181x279)
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>Be Brother Sensibilis
>Feel as if the Deus Machina has appared in this space hulk
>My Archeotech detector is beepin with the fury of a thousand warp storms
>Look at captian
>He looks back at me with a palpable sense of disappointmet
>Start running into the center of the hulk
>I must gaze upon this relic
>Hear Lysander say "Fucking Adeptus Mechanicus"

>noise marine is destroying everything at his way
>nice decoy ,orkz,tyranids and other chaos spawns are going against him
>contact billy
>''hey billy,can i call you billy?,you have clear path,maybe you would need some armor because the taus are getting the heavy toys to walk
>noise marine put music
>ha,heretic but catchy,just like a eldar waifo
>ask billy if he wasnt a SM what woul like to do


>heretic try to hijacked comms and create chaos
>i contact billy and sensiblis to tell them is trap
>tech priest are runing to the center of the ship and they dont hear me
>for exception of coggirl,she stay with me and seargent.....im still virgin,the seargent is lucky


>''dude is trap,the chaos marines are trying to get us in the mouth of tau artillery,get some armor first or at least some heavy guns....''
> Astartes introduces himself as Brother Grimmar
> Introduce myself as Tempestor Furrow
> Discuss weapon selections and shared hatred of xenos
> Maybe I will make it through this
> Hear chatter from advertisement, but now has relevant info
> Fucking_xenos.commbead
>Be me
>Ranger Vroomisal of Craftworld Samm-Hain
>Just finished notifying a greenskin grot of the T'au ordinance being transported to the core
>this may buy us some time
>intercept mass broadcast communication from Mon'keigh
>their tech savages have recovered some kind of relic
>vision granted by the guidance of Farseer Motoril
>mfw this nutrition preparation equipment is the strand of fate that connects the Space Hulk to the jetbikes
>activate fleet of foot to travel into the very depths of the Space Hulk core
>the noise of She who Thirst's lackeys grows exponentially
>Be Senior Tech Priest Enginseer Osiron
>Some dirty Rogue Trader has betrayed our position
>All because one of the Skitarii "borrowed" one of his pict-recorders to capture the image of the Holy Relic
>and also killed the filthy mutant carrying it
>Hear big metal thumping sounds, hope its Salamanders or the Deathwatch, anything but those damned Grey [REDACTED]
>send message to Kor'el T'au J'karra
>tell him to back away from impending destruction, we can't afford to lose a Gal'eath in case of debris shower
>"Our Air Caste pilots are the best, Den'ki, worry not, and may the Ethereals guide you on your mission. We lost Shas'la to the Core area, pray your Stealth Team was not compromised by the tyranids."
>round corner of hallway, not far from core now
>come face to face with enormous grey armored space marine holding weapons I have never seen before
>almost as big as the XV-86
>"Greetings, gue'la. I am Shas'o Vior'la Den'ki of the 17th Tau Expansionist Sphere. We are currently in the process of removing this substantial mass from the path of our exploratory fleet. Please evacuate so you are not caught up in the resulting explosion."

> they [redacted] are here,well im now moving with coggirl and seargent outside the control room of batle sister room before the [redacted] kill us


>ask senoir priest if he want live come with me
>funny thing,the guarsmen have more chances of surviving going directly againts the xenos,that waiting fo their gery knights allies
>be me
>Brother-Captain [REDACTED]
>separated from rest of Paladin Squad for what seems like a millenium in this Emperor-forsaken place
>reports from all Strike and Interceptor squads have gone silent
>likely they have all been slain by the xeno's, heretics or even misguided "loyalists"
>eventually find another survivor of Paladin squad
>do not recognize him personally
>his armor is covered in Sister of Battle blood, and only a [REDACTED] Knight would know of this holy rite
>he notifies me of the critical location for our mission is in the Space Hulk core
>proceed with him to claim this location for the Ordo Malleus
>run into a convoy of Adeptus Mechanicus
>Brother Alpharius tells me they are stealing a relic
>Shout to the Techpriest to stand down and accept the blessing of the Emperor's Holy Mercy
>Brother Alpharius laughs strangely
>Be Brother Lysander
>This vox heretic is being really fucking annoying
>He calls me billy again
>Control yourself Lysander
>"No,you can't, and no i won't need heavier equipment as my Storm Shield will suffice"
>The fucker asks me what would i do i wasn't a space
>"We..we are trained since the very first day of our service to not fill our mind with menial bullshit, so stop asking fuCKING MENIAL BULLSHIT

>Be Brother Grimmar
>This tempestor, Furrow is a rather amiable fellow
>I'll have to invite him to a cup of that good ol fenrisian ale
>Oh wait,that'll kill him
>Amasec it is then
>"We should get a move on now that Vult has stopped screeching, Tempestor Furrow"
>Time to fuck up some Tau

>Be Brother Sensibilis
>Finally arrive to the center of the hulk
>I can see tech-priests and an Magos
>Thank the Omnisiah
>"BROTHERS,brothers, follow me, i can provide defenses and safe passage off this hulk so that we may secure this relic"
>"And speaking of the relic,may i see it?
>Be Tax Assistant sekrit-ary Grot
>Deez buggyboy grotz be real nice to me once they know I served da nobs' tea
>Carries me to where dey boss is
>Keep saying stuff 'bout foindin' da way, or sumfin' 'bout gettin' me to da kween
>Ask one of dem 'bout who da kween is
>"Da kween! Iz her who tell us wat to do, we find da wae for da kween. We kill da demons, so da kween kan klaim dis place."
>Oh, so dey boss be warboss DaKween
>Pass by a vent to a room fulla bikez, note where dey are to tell da boss
>One of dem up front suddenly stopped
>Dey be standin' dere confused-like
>"We hav lost da wae"
>"Where is da kween?!"
>"You! You know da wae to da kween, bruddah?"
>Realize I'm da only grot 'ere wiff navigashyun skillz
I want Battlesister Adena to sit on my face.
>Be me
>The third
>The fucking skitarii kept the camera
>Looks like some shit's going down
>keep the mic on at full blast
>Reach for my steak
>My fucking steak is gone
>Fucking clyde
>Forgot to turn the mic off
>Be Brother Sensibilis
>It's the fucking [REDACTED] Knights
>They want the relic
>be Shas'vre Hi'de Sni'kee
>infiltrated hulk core hours ago with Stealth team
>some Shas'o took over operations from J'karra and send a Crisis team toward us with the pulse ordinance needed to clear the hulk from the path of the glorious Tau expansion
>of course, big bulky battlesuits took longer to arrive than expected with the narrow corridors
>meanwhile gue'la cyborg things made off with the catalyst for the pulse ordinance, calling it a "microwave"
>integral to plan for removal of not one but TWO hulks, the second of which will be colliding any minute
>have watched an ork successfully infiltrate a tyranid swarm
>a shame they have been deemed unfit for the Greater Good, that one had potential
>watched one of the Eldar sneaking around, also very skilled
>check time, getting impatient, precious cycles running out as a Shas'o thinks he's Myen O'Res
>Fucking Coggirl is still staring at me with those creepy eyes... I swear they flash pink for a second every time she looks at me
>Run into a group of [REDACTED]
>"I suggest we fall back... anywhere but here."
>Past few hours are a blur, must have hit my head or something
>These Sisters had better be fucking thankful that we're going to be saving their prissy asses.
>I think something went screwy with the voxcaster...
> Be Tempestor Furrow
> Invited to kill xenos with death watch
> So_fucking_tactically_ready.vox
> (Barely) keep up with Astartes, start moving to center of hulk
> Set las back to heresy and take pot shots at xenos and heretics as we go
> orks, genestealers, more orks, more orks, traitor marines, more orks.

This is worrisome.
>be battlesister adena
>get psychic vision
>it's of me sitting on some factory world worker's face
>this is the work of chaos!
>and how does he expect this to work with power arm...
>Be Senior Tech Priest Enginseer Osiron
>Grey [REDACTED] have shown up, demanding we surrender the relic
>Magos screeches at them in binary, telling them to stay away from the relic
>There is only two of the teamkillers, and we brought hundreds of guardsmen and armed techpriests with us
>But these guys have the power of plot armour, we cannot hope to win
>must buy us time
>Point into a random corner "Oh No, Noise Marines" as a distraction
>A Noise Marine emerges and says I ruined his hiding spot
>He calls me a tosser
>Grey Knights engage the Noise Marine and his cultist buddies
>Shuffle my ragtag group of survivors to the Exit
>After a few brief distractions, we make it to the Frigate, find dozens of scorched Grot Corpses nearby
>Rally with a handful of survivors from the Frigate and a team of Salamanders
>Get to work on freeing the Frigate, It does not seem to be lodged as deeply as the Transport
>The Seargent and the Salamanders start setting up a parameter
>Maybe we can survive this
I'm calling it a night, I will check this thread again in the morning
>Be me
>Kommando Deffgutz, no relation
>bin followin the real 'ard humies right 'n propa since the Tyranid type-fings nest
>one's a spiky humie too dunno why dey'z bein such grotz about it
>humie squawkbox sez dem tau boyz is sendin' ordinance to the spiky humies territor 'n da kore of da Spacey Hulk
>dem humies be goin der too
>hard humies run into mek humies and it looks like dey'z gunna have a propa fight
>Jump out of shadows wavin' me shoota an shoutin' an stompin
>Also, we are joined mid escape by a Deathwatch Tech Marine
>He asked to see the relic
>Show it in it's full glory
>He agrees to aid us in its protection
>Be Nurgling
>Exploring this place is almost as fun as Hide-and-Seek in Papa Nurgles big house!
>I'm in the air ducts now, like a brave explorer!
>Hear lots of yelling below me
>They don't sound friendly...
>Maybe they need a hug?
>Find a grate to drop down and make new friends!
File: Capture.png (45 KB, 151x164)
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>I am the sexlord
>Holy fuck
>Techpriest is actually a fucking heretic
>pull up the microphone
>keep watching the feeds
>Something steps on a dead cameraman
>Boot coated with blood
>It's fucking tau
>They may be sneaky, but they can't evade my everpresent gaze
>broadcast on all channels
>be Kor'el T'au J'karra
>sitting on bridge of Gal'leath watching all the lights from endless energy and solid projectile weapons hammering the two space hulks
>no contact from Shas'o Vior'la Den'ki in some time
>"Shas'o, is mission status complete?"
>different voice over comm
>"Negative, J'karra. The Shas'o has attempted to fold a new type of gue'la warrior into the Greater Good. The radiation discharge refractor has been taken by the somewhat more advanced technologically inclined gue'la. They appear to be boarding a spacecraft. Request fire mission from Manta Missile Destroyers at earliest convenience, plan remains contingent on using the pulse ordinance amplified by said device. For the Greater Good."
>order launch of Squadron T'op G'un
>"Fire mission approved. Disable gue'la ship with precision strike to engines, send drones to recover radiation discharge refractor."
>sit back and watch as perfectly designed Mantas fly gracefully from launch bay
>Be random Guardsman
>Wonder what it's like to bang a Xenos, be it Eldar or Tau
>Be random guardsman spotter 37
>attached with these admech enginseers in the retrieval of the holy relic
>don't know what's going on
>astartes of the Inquisition here to protect us
>[REDACTED] Knight offering Emperor's blessing if we stand down
>Chaos Space Marine engaging the Grey [REDACTED]
>Notice the other Astartes near the Brother-Captain is also Chaos
>suddenly, a loud SKROOII, stomping and gunfire
>yell to the Magos in charge
>be Commissar
>watch as Random Guardsman's eyes glaze over, can practically SEE the heresy occurring in his brain
>draw bolt pistol and aim at his head
>smut filled brain sprays across floor of landing bay
File: cutedar10.gif (74 KB, 500x348)
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damn that's cute

>rouge trader want steak
>tfw i havent eat a steak since my recruit day


>he fight meanwhile the rest of survivors retreat
>tfw even sensiblis was saved by a heretic traitor
>billy is gonna get angry with him

>go near seargent
>''so....are you gonna fuck the coggirl?'',we may die so one last ride doenst soun so bad,and is better you and her together that some chaos creature


>contact billy to tell him sensibilis ad our loud chaos SM allie still alive, the relic was captured by the survivors (tech priests,IG ,hospitalarians,SM od the deathwacth)
and they rally with the salamanders in their ship


> and chaos marine,tyranids and grey knigths are fighting each other

>im going to the rally point with the salamanders and survivors now
>Be Tax Assistant sekrit-ary Grot
>Be leadin' dis pack o' bugboy grots to wherever warboss DaKween is
>da boss would probably loik to strike sum trade deals wiff 'er
>Stumble across another grot, an orky grot, finally
>Wut de zog, me boss be ded!
>Da bugboy grots also be panickin', sez dey can't hear DaKween no mo'
>Oh snap, dey boss mite be ded, too!
>As we be figgerin' wut to do, I smells dis real bad smell
>I once got janitor duty 'fore I was sekrit-ary, dis smell be worse den an Orky toilet
>Outta nowhere dis real nasty grot drops from top
>"Hey guise wanna plaaaay?"
>Kinda sympathize wiff dis grot, who looks like he got jammed into an Orky toilet wiff sum ded Squigs
>And den nobody 'member he's still in dere fer sum toim
>Alroit ye grots! Here's wot we do
>Our bosses are ded, yeh?
>So we grab dat blueboy dakka da pansyboy be talkin' about
>Den we foind anudda warboss!
>We give him da dakka so da warboss won't krump us!
>Now follow me, ye grots! Yes, you too, stinky grot!
File: SquadCrullPtd (1).jpg (725 KB, 2612x768)
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725 KB JPG
>Be Brother Sensibils
>Manage to escape thanks to a band of Noise Marines
>Hopefully i find Brother Grimmar
>Dodge and unleash the rightous fury of my storm bolter upon the filthy zeno

>Be Brother Grimmar
>Have a grand ol time slaughtering xenos with my power axe
>Furrow is pretty good for an augmented human
>"Good work lad, remind me to pay you a few shots of amasec!"
>Wait what does it sound like there's 20 Sensibilis running towards us
>Is that a flock of tech priests?
>Yes,yes it is
>They apparently want a way out of the hulk
>They say that a Deathwatch marine guided them here
>Fucking Sensibilis
>Call Lysander because we need the whole squad, i feel that shit will go down

>Be Brother Lysander
>Get vox from Grimmar
>He want's me to drop whatever the fuck i'm doing and please get down here
>Fuck it
>vox the heretic
>"Listen,for now you're on your own,i'll be back soon enough"
>Let's see in what deep groxshit they're in this time
>"Not now, Private! We got more important shit to deal with. Besides, the staring is creepy as hell..."
>be Shas'o Vior'la Den'ki
>attempts at negotiation with grey armored gue'la failed
>battle ensued
>weapons ineffective
>battlesuit runs scans while fighting
>badly damaged
>computer displays report
>deploy gun drones to distract the gue'la
>all weapon systems except missiles inactive, too close to use them
>finally remember to check communications from other Shas teams
>coalition of gue'la has stolen device required for mission to be completed
>boosters engaged, fly towards coordinates given by Stealth Team
>if this doesn't work, we're using Riptides, I swear to Aun
>Be Nurgling, now named "Stinky Grot"
>I just made a bunch of new friends!
>One of them said something about collecting stuff
>I'm good at that!
>Papa Nurgle said I was!
>I'll help them get their stuff because friends help each other out!
>I'll start this new collection with this hard green hat this sleeping human won't need.
>Be the sexlord
>Sexlord Albert Euphranius
>The third
>Keep tabs on the battles, announcing blow-by-blow commentary
>Notice an orc leading tyranids for a split second on a feed
>Call in one of the costumed cameraboys, give him the coords
>This will make some good footage
>Still no one has touched my ship
>Be Hannah the Daemonette
>Those sluts are running around, making quite the mess of things.
>I do hope they are aware that THEY are responsible for cleaning up their messes
>This... Rouge Trader, giving the commentary annoys me
>I guess I'll have to take a short walk over there and fix that problem...
>I had better not miss the Twerking Contest because of this. I'm undefeated, and I shall not let any of those bimbos win by default.

>i look cute/sexy batle sister blush alone...
>well i feel the urge to save her
>contact her trough comms
>''there is a rally point of survivors in the salamanders ship,go fast''
>tfw im thinking in the coggirl and this batle sister naked


> ''be carefull billy,a tau in power armor is going to kill the survivors going to the rally point in the salamander ship,try to stop him''


>sexlord is comenting the batle as me
>contact sex lord
>i have hijacked some of your cameras,thanks for lend me them
>be Kor'el Sa'cea Gu'use
>captain of Lar'shi'vre Io'jak
>watch as Manta deploy from Gal'leath nearby
>Shas must have it all in hand, sit back and relax and wait for Hi'dee to report
>Comm officer reports constant broadcast from some ship nearby, the one responsible for "live feeds, coming to you, direct from the source, don't miss a minute of the action" endless rambling
>know what, railguns need a warmup, haven't been used in an hour or so
>order salvos to quiet the broadcast ship and therefore spread the Greater Good (of silence)
Admenment: don't trust the uplifting primer regarding xenos.
> Tech priests and rush past like a herd of... well, priests..
> Scattered guard with their ranks
> There destination is outta here
> Apparently the DW marines are on board, and I know I haven't served the emperor to my fullest yet
> Astartes still on comms
> tau drone drifts around corner
> Two shots miss the darting fucker, but the third catches it when it bumps a ceiling light
> The_omnissiah_works_too.commbead
> Will follow the Astartes when they are ready to go again.
>be battlesister adena
>horrific binary screech comes through vox
>somehow understand it, perhaps from amalgamation of weapons now bonded to my arm
>still getting assailed by visions of lewd acts
>start making way towards rally point
>watch as terribly damaged Tau Battlesuit sprints past
>pray to the emprah I can survive to purge more xenos with holy fire
>Be me
>The one
>The only
>Sexlord Albert Euphranius the third
>Some vox caster contacts me
>Fucker's on my feed
>Hijacking my fucking cameras
>Tune in directly to him
>"I'm gonna kill you"
>Switch back to live
>Send a few of my smaller ships to bring in the troopers on this fucker's ass
>Railgun blast hits ship, taking out non-vital systems
>Now I'm being Taugeted
>Fucking clyde
>I fucking love that monkey
>A great lattice of metal is ejected into space, forming miles of screen, protecting the ship from view as the helmsman maneuvers it around the spacehulk, out of the tau's firing range
>order him to land on the spacehulk
>Be Captain Aurelius
>This Rogue trader who showed up is REALLY annoying
>Chatter indicates that the Tau are gonna launch an attack on the Sororitas Frigate
>They seem to be deploying small attack craft
>Damn it, now I have to actually do my job
>Send a message to the Rogue Trader, telling him to either make himself useful and fight the Imperium's enemies or sod off
>Fire Macrocannons at the Tau Ship, instruct torpedo escorts to follow suit
>Most of the shots hit home, ship is damaged but not destroyed
>Tell the Tau to abandon their mission and leave Imperial Space or die
>Rest of the imperial fleet seems to be mustering up for action rather than just watching
>Second Space Hulk is getting closer, that could be a problem
>be Kor'el T'au J'karra
>watch as sister Tau ship blasts railgun batteries at the Rogue Trader vessel
>precise, but didn't do a lot of damage
>Crisis Team has deployed bombs around core, but without the catalyst device they won't destroy the hulks
>watch as large shield device is launched from Rogue Trader
>order reactive missile strike to get rid of it, more debris in this area is not needed right now
>watch as Rogue Trader lands on first hulk
>check time
>estimate it has less than 1 macrocycle before second hulk impacts first

>''alrigth sir,lets go to the rally with the salamanders,but being honest the coggirl is pretty cute"


>again contact troug vox comms
>''im a IG nice to meet you,tyranids,grey knights,and chaos figthing at the center,tau teams trying to hunt the suvivors before they get to the salamanders ships,rougue trader and his soldiers had arrived to kill any loyalist because tech priest steal their cameras,and i hijacked their comms,demons and dark eldars hunting girls in the empty halls''
>''outside a batle is going beetwen the taus and imperials remanents,btw why were you blushing?''

>continue hijacking their cameras just to make him angry
>"your camera is shit equipment not even worthy of a PDF member''
File: descarga (26).jpg (10 KB, 221x228)
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>Be Brother Lysander
>Finally arrive at the coordinates
>"Where's Sensibilis,and why do you have a flock of techpriests?"
>"Here captain,and i sent them, they have a holy relic and we are it's only protectors"
>"Very well. Techpriests,marines and....Scion?"
>"Gather up,our objective right now is to check if those Salamander's transmission's weren't a false flag and if any Sisters of Battle remain on the ship. If thise conditions aren't met,we'll move our forces toward tau space in a push to stop their bomb. If we meet them,we'll do the same with support"
>"Wait what do i hear?"
>Another ship is crashing into us
>be Shas'vew Hi'de Sni'kee
>have exfiltrated to airlock on topside of first hulk
>advise second hulk impact imminent
>watch as the Io'jak fires railguns at broadcasting ship
>gue'la cruiser returns fire
>over comms hear "Gue'la fleet engaging Lar'shi'vre cruiser, deploy Riptides and Y'Vahra immediately."
>should leave these missions to Stealth Teams
>wonder if O'Shovah was right in battle doctrine
>can see conglomerate gue'la forces escape ship
>aim markerlight at it
>may as well help the Mantas hit their target
>be Battlesister Adena
>watch horde of orklings rush past in the company of tyranids and a traitor marine
>vox lights up again, same mechanical screeching
>oh, that's constant background noise
>decodes as mechanus priests quite literally finding pleasure in their new discovery of archaeotech
>guardsman voice comes through again
>"Irrelevant, Guardsman. Do you have a location on my Battle Sisters? Specifically Cannoness Bimbo-bitch?"

>see and hear billy trough comms and rougue trader cameras
>somehow i hijack the comms of the hulk
>''billy,are you there?,if you hear me billy curse the day i was born,anyway here is the situation a tau team of elite is going to try to ambush the survivors to get the core of power necesary to make this ship blow up,stop them before
>''meanwhile at the center several tyranids,chaos forces and some of your brothers are figthin around the center of this ship,regroup and stop the taus


>''i think she is dead or being fucked by a demon''
>''there shoul be some lasguns left at the hall left to you,take one and help a friend mine to stop the taus of killing the survivors''
>''btw you dont know how to lie,you were having heretical and naugthy toughs?,anway focus,we gotta some lives to save''
> Be Tempestor Furrow
> Hear call for "Billy" over speaker in hulk
> Tau ambush
> The question is where?
> Look around and see armorplas to void
> Tau gunships in void

> Brother Grimmar, it looks like the Tau are going to try and wreck our exfil. Can you get me to an airlock?
> Begin sealing suit for void combat
> This_is_where_the_fun_begins.emperor
>Be Brother Lysander
>The vox heretic tells me that the tau forces are going to ambush the remaing survivors around the center of the hulk
>"Brothers,we move towards the center, a "contact of mine informs me that a group of space marines hold at the center of the hulk"
>"Their coverage will be greatly aprecciated, so it is our first priority to rescue them"

>Be me
>Ranger Vroomisal
>see Mon'keigh, the Astartes and the forces of Chaos have engaged skirmishes at the perimeter of the Sisters of Battle frigate
>The naive T'au have already placed their ordinance in the core and the Orks are nowhere in sight
>The T'au also intend to engage the Mon'keigh and retrieve the relic
>Only one hope remains
>The double Mon'keigh from earlier
>Surely she has equipped the fusion gun by now
>find Battlesister Adena
>step out of shadows and proclaim
>Hold your fire, servant of the Emperor!
>see the insanity that has become of this creature
>the musical power of Slaanesh, the Waagh and the faith of the Emperor's Hymns grafted into the wraithbone
>try not to throw up
>throw up
>MON'KEIGH female! ONLY YOU CAN DEFEAT THE WARP! The mighty MECORANHA, THE GODESS OF MUSIC, has chosen YOU to retrieve the MICROWAVE and return it to
>get cut off by a soundblast to the head
>Noise Marines show up
>take my soulstone
>Be Brother Grimmar
>Furrow asks that i get him to an airlock
>"Sure, i saw an airlock a few passages down from here"
>Ask captain
>"Fine,but do it in the smallest timescale possible"
>We go then
>Be... ME
>Sexlord Albert Euphranius the third
>(as if anyone but me could be me)
>Fucking imperial contacting me
>Tell him reinforcements are en route
>Send about five mooks in a buggy
>That should shut him up
>They blast the shield
>They blast the fucking shield
>With fucking missiles
>The metal entraps the missiles, somehow confounding their triggers before they can detonate
>The net twists and warps, forming a tight ball around the projectiles, which begins to accelerate, directly towards the tau ship
>Stops before reaching them, just sitting in the vacuum of space right there in front of the tau
>What the fuck clyde

>Phase 2.png
>Activate the treads
>Treads creak out of their housing
>Thanks Clyde
>Great blowers on the bottom of the hull activate, as spikes tear into the space hulk's great hull, causing a cloud of debris to obscure my great ship
>A few blowers fail to activate, leaving tunnels of direct access for someone underneath the ship to enter... Hopefully.
>Ignore him, for now, as my assassins are nearly there
>They will find him
>They will invite him for tea
>They will give him a lesson on how to speak clearly

>Get back to the play-by-play
>Hopefully someone takes the bait
Btw, this is how Grimmar looks. I'll try to find more
images to represent them if anybody is interested
>be Kor'vre Ma'verick
>flying Manta alongside two others
>targeting computer acquires markerlight signal from Shas'vre Hi'de
>precision strike on boxlike gue'la dropship, perfectly destroying only the engines|
>and killing some of the gue'la in the ensuing explosion
>Manta screams past hangar bay as swarms of drones launch from it to secure package
>bring my ship around to provide on station support to drones
>plan to knock out some gue'la ships after
>"Deploy Riptides and Y'Vahra immediately!" comes over the comm channel
>well, seems the Fire Caste have had enough of this
>wingmen Mantas open hangar doors
>get to watch as massive battlesuits blast forward from them towards the hulk
>hope at least some of the prettier gue'la females will consider coming over to the Greater Good

>see tempestus preparing to figth with billy and the rest of SM
>''guys was pleasure,if we not make it,was a hnor and more importan... everybody want to fuck eldars girls and you know it''

>see assasins coming to kill me
>noise SM of chaos,my ally go trough the wall and save me
>im going to live
>SM look with bloodthirst
>im going to die
>be Battlesister Adena
>somewhat pleased to hear the Cannoness may be dead
>sudden Eldar appears and starts asking for help
>horrible arm weapon thing starts screaming as traitor marines approach
>Eldar is killed by sonic blast
>scream holy litanies as the weapon arm thing starts firing a stream of emprah knows what at the oncoming chaos warriors
>they fire back, guitar like weapons sending shockwaves of force as they scream what sound like lyrics to a song
>realize I am screaming song lyrics too
>whole space hulk starts to vibrate with the intensity of the music we're shooting at one another
>Be Fleet Admiral Maximillian Stern
>get out of bed
>brush teeth
>use the shitter
>send concubine to get some painkillers
>step out of cabin
>get notified of the sudden arrival of Tau forces in our voidspace
>give the order to exterminate them
>Eccelesiarchy Reinforcement Fleet incinerates every last Tau vessel in range
>go back to bed
>The second space hulk crashes into the first

>se adena killing heretics
>waifo material.jpg
>still runing from chaos SM and assasins of the rougue trader
>hide in ventiation systems
>Be me
>The lord of sex
>A single noise marine gives a frontal assault through a wall, against one of my expendable resources
>I have more
>One of them flanks the lone guardsman, putting a shot through his radio
>She fucks off afterwards. After all, I must meet this cheeky fuck in person....
>be Kor'el T'au J'karra
>missiles are wrapped up by shield net thing
>"Kor'ui, please use the tractor beams to fling that net of missiles towards the primitive gue'la battlecruiser that thinks it has the power to destroy our glorious Tau durasteel, folded one million times."
>watch as the large battlesuits deploy from the Mantas
>instruct sister Tau ship to target missile net
>the Kor'ui throws the missile net towards the gue'la cruiser
>sudden reinforcements appear
>as all manner of ordinance impact my beautiful ship, see missile net impact largest human vessel
>ball of fire in space
>and then the second hulk hits the first, devastating the Rogue Trader vessel too

>tfw rougue trader think im female
>my vox is damaged
>try scavenging death bodies
>find death killed by chaos forces
>take his comms equipment
>tfw is better than my generic vox systems


>contact rougue trader again
>''i found another,and is better asshole
nobody mess with my vox,im gona find you and im gonna destroy your comoditys for sell''
>keep runing trying to find billy,adena or the salamanders
>be Shas'vre Hi'de Sni'kee
>Mantas do a perfect job, gue'la escape vessel out of commission
>see Riptides and Y'whatever the fuck the earth caste call that monostrosity of a suit launch and land in the hangar bay
>well, no need for us any more, order Stealth Team to exfil back to Io'jak
>J'karra's ship is gone
>gue'la ship is gone
>new gue'la fleet is here
>second hulk impacts first
>thrown from exterior and pummeled by debris
>multiple suit breaches
>suit computer warning me of oxygen loss
>manage to adjust trajectory, but being pulled toward combined doublespacehulk gravity
>4 minutes of oxygen left
>fuck it, I'm going to get in a Riptide
> Be Tempestor Furrow
> Running to nearest airlock, following Brother Grimmar
> Hear explosion as Tau fire on our ship
> Reach airlock
> Head inside, salute Brother Grimmar
> One cycle later, now in Void
> Click fire selector from heresy to DOUBLE HERESY
> Mag boots on, safety off
> Forgetting something...
> Click air on
> Tau gunships still aimed at current escape plan get raked by eccelesiarchy
> Fuckin navy always late
> Still tau marker light on ship
> Second hulk impacts

I chose a real bad time to go for a walk.
>Be Me
>Sexlord Albert Euphranius The third
>The immortal, sexy hunk of awesomeness
>Space hulk impact imminent, out of the *immediate* danger zone. Thrusters activate anyways. Helmsman's a fucking pussy.
>Blast away,
>Oh hey, they weaponized the goddamn net
>It's not fucking blowing up
>Why the fuck is it not blowing up
>It's supposed to blow up when it hits something clyde
>No boarders yet. Just got a big hole in my fucking ship, with more inevitably coming
>Fucking tau
>I had such wonderful things planned too
>Halfheartedly pick up the microphone

>It appears the guard has confused himself for an assassin in a fit of idiocy
>Aaand he's taken the bait
>Invite him aboard. Tell him where to find the assassin's skiff
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>Be Brother Lysander
>Just as i start charging, the whole hulk shakes
>be Shas'o Vior'la Den'ki
>arrive at gue'la rally point through side passage
>whole space hulk now vibrating
>Coldstar suit computer picking up so much sound that it cannot extrapolate data
>sounds like music, horrible, terrifying music
>see Manta Missile Destroyers precision strike engines of gue'la dropship
>see cyborg gue'la with the radiation refractor get blown back by the blast of the engines exploding
>Crisis Team reports all pulse bombs deployed, ready for detonation
>lock onto everyone except the gue'la carrying the device
>all missiles fired in one glorious salvo
>Riptides land, towering over even the largest Space Marine
>XV-86 finally shuts down
>exit battlesuit and pull Bonding Knife from shoulder sheath
>start running towards radiation emitter at full Shas speed
GOAT tier:
>OP Guardsman Recruit
>Sergeant Robertson
>Tech Priest Osiron
>Noise Marine Maus

Good tier:
>Captain Aurelius
>MegaNob Dakkagutz
>Battlesister Adena
>Tempestus Scion

Fun tier:
>WAAGH Genestealers
>Kommando Deffgutz
>Captain Vane
>Warmaster Krillex

Cute tier:
>last Hospitalier survivor
>Commissar Irina

Meh tier:

Ironic Mary Sue tier:

Unironic Mary Sue tier:
>Rogue Trader Albert Euphranius III
>Vox Caster Armentho
>Be Brother Grimmar
>Finally find an airlock
>Hear a message in my vox
>Sounds urgent
>Feel a thump in the whole hulk
>That's a second space hulk
>I hope Furrow is okay
>Arrive at the coordinates of my team
>What in the Wolftime is going on?
>I wasn't born to ask questions so
> Be Tempestor Furrow
> Step outside
> See markerlight coming from some Tau tripod
> Damn it, waste of a walk
> Basic target practice
> Start to turn to step back in
> See random Tau drifting in the void
> Advanced target practice
> Shoot a couple because the rifle is already set to DOUBLE HERESY and all
> Some other Tau gunship drifts in the way
> Damn
> Head back inside

>now that i have hijacked the comms equipment of a dead tau,i can hear them
>hear about the iminent impact
>scream trough the comms''brace yourselfs for the emperor''


>SM give a akward look to billy just before the impact
>explosions and screams of agony.vox
>rogue trader
>unironic mary sue
sounds about right
>be Battlesister Adena
>litanies of fury like never before
>emprah's will made manifest through the weapon combination of chaos, eldar, ork and holy terra knows what else now
>but the song doesn't stop
>Noise Marines cannot rival my sick jams
>heads exploding left and right
>feel the will of the god emperor as he guides me foward
>emerge into hangar bay in time to see Tau battlesuits landing, missiles impacting, and the MICROWAVE sliding across the deck

sounds legit


>this place is hell,i hate my work
>Be me
>The Sexlord
>This was fun
>Detonate every single troop and camera i've deployed on this hulk
>A last goodbye
>No one took the fucking bait
>I think clyde just detached the entire bottom half of my fucking ship
>If he weren't my most valuable piece of cargo i'd kill him right now
>Activate warp engines!
>Get the fuck out of dodge
>Shit's too dangerous for me
>I'll need to sell some more of this shit to recuperate my losses
>Got some sweet footage though
>Gonna have a nice fap tonight
>be Kor'el Sa'cea Gu'use
>stand and salute with rest of bridge crew as J'karra's ship is destroyed
>weep tears of rage at the needless loss of life
>Battlesuit teams in full engagement now
>Mantas providing close support
>Hearing scattered reports from various Shas comm channels about wounded or isolated Fire Warriors
>with the second hulk impacting the first, know its only a matter of time before things get worse
>send call out to Tau Expansion Fleet
>"Scout ships attacked, one ship lost, gue'la fleet outnumbers us. Advise chart new course to expansion worlds. We will see this mission completed, even if it costs our lives. For the Greater Good."
>Be Brothers Lysander
>I think my nose is bleeding
>Better get checked for warp exposure later
>That Sister of Battle managed to outloud Noise Marines
>Feel the hulk shake again
>Was that the bag with the MICROWAVE,as Sensibilis calls it?
>He's gonna chase after it
>He's already doing it
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>Be me
>Be captain in 212th
>Recruit is blathering about a traitor saving him and using... Dubstep? To kill his enemies. What in the warp twisted hell is a dubstep?
>All vox casters aboard ship have been blaring imperial hymns and underhive garbage for a while now. Suddenly both cut.
>and are replaced by some Inquisition twat prattling on about laying down arms and praising the emperor. The recruit asks if we plan to one that command
>Attempt to vox other commanders in attempt to rally. All I get is this dried up twat Inquisitor waving his dick, err, I mean authority around.
>Order defenders to get ready to move and link up with any other imperial forces
>Three steps towards the door the sound of metal grinding on metal begins again loud enough to drown out the sounds of combat and the inquisitors blathering. This coupled with a sudden feeling of motion.
>The hull violently shakes throwing many from their feet as the sound or feeling of two heavy impacts somewhere
>Be Ork Warboss Angrak Kannen-Megadak
>Me big zoggin' Space Hulk bin shot up by doze Tau fings
>But dey ain't done any real damage
>An' now it'z time
>last taus remanents prepare for a final suicidal attack
>sister adenas is a awesome warrior


>there were the other survivors
File: orkwarboss2.jpg (107 KB, 1050x761)
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107 KB JPG
>Be Ork Warboss Angrak Kannen-Megadak
>Da megahulk took a while to get goin.
>Understandable. The boyz still don't really know dere ways round and it took a bit to find all da engines and turn em on.
>Even wit all da engines turned on, it took a while to get goin.
>Some of da engines were pointing in da wrong directions which completely krumped up the acceleration towards dat uvver space hulk.
>Had to smash some gitz to get it sorted. Stoopid gretchin.
>Finally did it though.
>Finally smashed into da other space hulk.
>Probably took some other shit out dat got in da way, but wasn't really payin attention because da megahulk is so big.
>The force of the megahulk smashing into the spacehulk dislodges several of da ships in both, sendin dem flingin out into space like flyin spinnin fings and severely damaging the interior structures.
>Lost left arm durin the impact because of metal, but it's fine coz one of the meks is already fixin' me up with a big old metal claw that can tear up steel propa an' gud.
>Grab a big, huge kannon wit one 'and an' march all the way to da bit where da mega'ulk and da space hulk got joint up.
>Immediately lead a horda boyz through while shootin' ma kannon at anything that moves or doesn't move.

>hear new orkz horde coming trough comms
>it never ends.jpg
We're going to need a new thread at this rate. I can't believe what a fucking epic one this turned out to be. Aside from a couple of gits being powergaming faggots, you're all pretty ok.

nah i know my character is mary sue,
but it doesnt fight or anything just run and hide talking with people trough comms

and about htis thread is truth,is awseome

it had managed to catch the grimdark atmosphere (the constant attrition fight beetwen factions in a nonsense of violence),but keeping touch on humor

i hope this thread continue
I think the spontaneity is running out of energy. We're past the crisis point with the two Space Hulks colliding so if things don't wrap up soon they never will.

i think is bacause the PC (principal characters) stoped answering because they had to sleep or leave in real life
>but it doesnt fight or anything just run and hide talking with people trough comms
That's the thing, most people ITT don't want to have constant meta-game knowledge fed to them. Without that knowledge it allows for natural interaction between reconnaissance, command and combat characters conveying pieces of information or misinformation.
Just something to keep in mind for the future.
What about Smartass ex-guardsman?
>Be Marcus Flavius
>Everything has gone to shit more than usual
>Killed Commissar
>Blending in with Slaaneshi cultists
>Used lasgun to assert dominance
>By raping lead cultist with lasgun
>High on combat drugs
>Seeing trippy shit
>Having the time of my life
He kill qt3.14/patootie Commissar. She just wanted sum balm.
I hope he die.

OP here. Holy shit I need to stay up on Friday night. This shit went crazy real fast. Fucking heat wave bullshit. Thanks for catching me up anon.
>Be me
>212th Guardsman Recruit
>Really wishing I had something better than a lasgun right now
>[REDACTED] Knights just came and killed a bunch of the hot hospitaliers because they need 'blood for rituals'
>Suddenly big Silver Marine turns and charges toward Noise Marine with a weird powerglaive weapon
>suddenly thrown on my ass as we move to link up with other imperial forces shakes from two powerful impacts
>accidentally turn lasgun setting to 'Double heretic' and shoot Brother-Captain [REDACTED] in back of the head
>hear from particularly panicked comms operator on the vox that a SECOND hulk has crashed into the first one further up ahead of our transport, and is slowly crashing together along the same side we're stuck on
>Look at Captain
>"......Time to leg it sir?"
OP here. I've got work today, but if the thread gets archived I'll try and start up a 2nd thread for it when I get home. Any ideas on names for it?
Post link for new thread.
>be me
>last Hospitalier survivor Sister Maria
>traumatized for life by these experiences
>not even in Power Armor, right now, nothing more than a spare lasgun from one of the dead Guardsmen as a weapon
>now the [REDACTED] are engaging the Noise Marines who want to abduct me to their heretical rituals
>Holy shit, OP Recruit is OP, he shot Brother-Captain [REDACTED] at the Sororitas Frigate skirmish all the way from inside this Troop Transport!
>And he's so modest about it too, still following the orders of the regimental Captain
>this is the Hero we need
>by the Emperor's will he shall deliver us from this Hell
>and father my children for the Imperium
>however, the Brother-Sergeant [REDACTED] who slaughtered my sisters and the vile Noise Marine are still engaging somewhere in this ship
>better stay close to these brave Guardsmen so we can keep each other safe
>Be Marcus Flavius
>Heard from one of my cultists that the space hulks are going to smash into each other
>I tell them we need to meet up with the Warmaster and plan our next move

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