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By the emperor, I didn't expect this to get so much attention.

to summarize what happened
>Guardsman stationed in the Gulliman Sector on backwater planet is afraid he is going to get blammed by Commissar for having Saint Celestine Body Pillow
>Inquisition is notified by guardsman that Commissar is a Xenofucking heretic and things explode into a multi faction battle between Tau, Traitor Guard, Loyalist Guard, and Inquisition
>Conflict awakens sleeping Necrons, and begins to attract Orks, Chaos, nids, Eldar (both regular and dark flavor), and many others who want to join the conflict
>Weeaboo Guardsman, now commander is now guarding the body pillow of Celestine while trying to survive
>Orks are running rampant after a mad dok fused some boyz with Tyranids
>Chaos Tau on nearby craftworld end up darkening the entire dammed thing before turning the craftworld into a flying Daemon craftworld fighting a Hivefleet
>Orknids are rampaging and currently fighting Kriegers and Necrons
>Commander WaifuGuard ordered Deathstrike Missiles to the ork war machine and to the Daemon Craftworld
>Possible Sororitas presence to come to the planet
The sister leading the force to recover the artifact? None other than Celestine herself.
>be on Tau ship with thicc water caste tau girl
>Expect to hear Commander Shit Waifu to be dead in a ditch with his Celestine pillow desecrated
>Celestine is shit waifu anways, ShadowSun is best girl
>Hear that that guardsman has become the WaifuCommander of the guard on those planet and that he's shooting deathstrikes everywhere
>Decide to kill him myself, and destroy his shit waifu
Somebody should make one about Isha groaning how nurgle thinks they are anything more than prisoner and warden
>Plasma gun wielding Right hand man Guardsman name Marcus
Is he also a Duct Tape Wizard?
>Be Farseer
Stupid Mon'Keigh haven't noticed that I'm in their camp
>Probably something to do with a Nurgling infestation
>my beu is here somewhere... I can smell him
>he will give me his hot Mon'Keigh dick if it's the last thing I do!
>But first, I need to find him and get him alone
Someone should do one about how Anon’s a faggot.
>Be Isha
>notice that nurgle is trying to get me a body pillow
>Might as well figure out a cure to whatever he's cooked up this time.
>Be Water caste assigned to the Gue'Vesa Commissar
>He smells weird, is lecherous, and is very rude
>Have to put up with it for the Greater Good
>Wish one of the thots on the next ship got assigned to him instead
>Be Necron Lord
>Get flung off of Ork-Tank monstrosity after it does an admittedly impressive front flip
>Hit the ground a good few meters away
>Pull myself back up and look for that gauss cannon
>Almost get hit by it as it careens into a nearby field of mostly burnt and dead plants
>Try to find it in this decrepit field
>Notice these little goblins looking things bouncing around
>Odd but I ignore the filthy things
>Finally find the thing with a bunch of filthy handprints on it
>As I pick it back up I notice a bunch of little fat blob things look at me with curiosity
>There's a bigger one of them with a bunch of the little things around him
>Some of the Flayed ones are with them as well with rotten bodies
>Fucking hell what have I stumbled upon
>Be tomb gaurd
>Chased confused gaurdsman through webway portal
>Gauss flayed his legs off
>I don't think anyone noticed me with all the warpfuckery going on
>Pick up teleporter staff
>Now to get this back to Necron Lord
>Be Saint Celestaine
>Yes "Celestaine"
>My life is just a knockoff.jpg
>It's hard being a living saint when the big golden girl is flying around, being all glowy and shit.
>A standard is set
>A bullshit standard
>Do you know how hard it is to get this figure?
>Can FEEL people knocking Celestine as "shit waifu"
>Despite hate of Celestine, must admit our similarities
>Any who diss the famous chick diss all like her
>Heretics are going to burn for besmirching all most devout bitches with golden armor, wings, and shining light!
>Be Nurgling
>Brother Tonsilstone is so nice to us!
>He found a nice field for us to play in!
>Brother points out a big shiny boy
>I wonder if he wants to play, like his friends?
>I know! I'll draw him a picture and give it to him as a gift!
This is just Saint Bridget's sister, isn't it?

Or it's that one sister of battle everyone in cold shoulder ignored.
Will she end up having her own Decarus to get infatuated with her?
Let's just ignore the cold shoulder, shall we? It died its own death. Let it rest in peace.

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>Be a Harlequin
>Chill day in the Black Library
>Get a message from another Masque about the clusterfuck on a backwater planet
>T'au, Eldars of all paths, mon'keighs , necrons, green skins, chaos and slaneeshi daemons all fighting.
>It all started over a pillow
>Troupe Master thinks this is some funny as shit and wants us all to go in, as these xenos deserve a good show.
>We all warp in
>Mangled bodies everywhere, screaming and yelling of all languages
>Dark Eldar are busy murderraping
>Craftworlders are panicing and some are acting like thots
>Even our Solitaire is visibly confused at this chaos
>Find one Craftworlder acting in a weird haze of murderlust. Smack her with my hand
>She doesn't snap out of it, but runs off, screaming. Feel a bit funny, but ignore it.
>Start to dance in the middle of the battlefield, its time
>No time to ask about what the fuck is this clown fiesta, Bless Cegorach for this stage for us to put a performance on and murdering other xenos and daemons in the most fabulous ways possible.
>Gleefully watches Videofeed on command Holoscreens as Deathstrike Missiles are about to hit their targets
>10 seconds until Impact
>I am holding the Celestine Body Pillow in anticipation
>Datafeed suddenly cuts off
>I find the nearest techpriests and tell him to fix them
>All the while I fuck off with Marcus while we figure out what to do
>Marcus has great idea
>Why not attach TWO bayonets to the Celestine pillow

After a few minutes with duct tape, the holy artifact is now blessed with not one, but TWO bayonets for double purging power
Since when do you get to make the rules here
Also Brick was a total Poochie
>be sanctioned psyker
>be lying down on a cot trying to soothe headache with a bit of rest
>apparently it's a miracle I didn't have a seizure or get possessed after exerting myself so hard
>maybe that damned waifu pillow is holy after all
>guardsbro came in to check up on me so in slightly higher spirits
>having friends is nice, even if you do have to save them from a crazy rape elf
>I think can still feel rapeseer's presence though, just can't pin it down
>warn guardbro not to let his guard down or go anywhere alone
>Emperor as my witness I will protect my new friend from that crazy bitch if it kills me
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>Be Gabriel Angelos, Chapter Master of the Blood Ravens
>Since the purge and that clusterfuck on Acheron, the Chapter has been down in the dumps
>On the way home, receive a call for aid from a Backwater Planet
>Decide to intervene and ste- err, procure relics for transfer off-world for safekeeping in our Reliquaries
>Organise the remaining Blood Raven Forces for combat and retrieval missions
>Hopefully snag one of those 'Body-Pillows' I have heard the Neophytes speak about.
>Be Necron Lord
>Surrounded by a bunch of disgusting blobs of meat and some filthy Flayed Ones
>Feeling very uncomfortable
>One of them shows some drawing of scribbles on some dried skin
>Notice some weird shit is growing inside the gauss cannon
>Drop it just to be safe
>They start to get closer
>I begin to slowly back up in hopes they won't follow
>be dok tankboss
>face- er, big shootah-down in a crater
>after wot's probably a long time, FINALLY git meself back on me treads by pushin' reeeeal 'ard wif me choppin' armz
>look around fer da tin lad wot 'ad a majik snazzgun
>too busy lookin' fer 'is majik green snazzgun ta realize oi'z roight behind 'im
>lock on wif me ad-vansed targitin' system
>let loose wif da wrong shoota
>instead, hit a few uv dem creepy lookin' 'umies still takin' potshots behind me
>still, tin lad iz still dere
>'e's got 'iz snazzgun again, looking it ovva like a 'umie lady doea wiv a 'umie snotling
>charge 'im at full throttle, choppa armz swingin' wildly fer maximum choppy and all shootas dakka-in'
>run ovva sum real zoggin' smelly snotlings on da way
"Hello valued customer; there is a perfectible logical and reasonable explantation to why the reverse side of the Saint Celestine Body Pillow(tm) features the mentioned saint in the nude on its reverse:"

"It is that, as an Emperor anointed saint, she is the epitome of beauty, an exemplar of the holy human form. As such, it would be improper to hide it. However, just because her naked form is holy does not mean it is proper to look upon. In fact, looking upon it is heresy. As such, the naked printing of the saint on the reverse side is a test. You are to know it is there, and resist the temptation to look upon it. Looking upon the reverse side of the body pillow is Heresy."
>using big Named Characters
>Flanderizing the Blood Ravens even further
Have we learned nothing from the mistakes of the past?
>Be Lt Augustus
>Looks like the missile plan is all but fucked by this point
>Thing won't detonate thanks to warp fuckery
>On the plus side the craftworld and hive ship dealt with each other
>But that is overshadowed by the fact we can't go back home even if we secured the sacred relic for the chapter
>Only way to salvage this is to find out where the missile went in that mass of heretical rape, shoot at it until it explodes, and then get out of here with the pillow and its Guardian
>Though first we have to get the guy
>Luckily for us we have finally found out where is camp is, even better its surrounded by filthy heretics meaning we get to purge more enemies of the Imperium
>By the emperor this is proving to be an exciting vacation
"Right, my resolve was never questioned nor my loyalty, till this day at least. May the Emperor forgive me in the next life."
"Though I'll admit, I never expected Saint Celestine to have a HUGE bush."
"You have gazed upon the reverse side? I am sorry, but that makes you a heretic. Would you prefer that I call the nearest inquisitorial representative, or would you prefer to execute yourself?"
>Be Farseer
>Got smacked by some cunt Harlequin
>That Guardsman is close, unfortunately so is his friend.
>Was told not kill the Mon'Keigh that are against the ruinous powers
>I'll just club the psyker on the head with something, and then enjoy my new BF
>Be Death Korp Grenadier GK6731
>Our little ditch is going quite nicely
>Half digging it, half shooting
>A brilliant strategy I came up with myself
>The big tank thing is stuck in a crater and we keep shooting at, but we are only really giving it these big blisters
>Whatever, it's stuck
>Put my second bayonet on my lasrifle for twice the power
>Emperor bless, if only mom could see me now
>We've decided to start focusing on the orks and the nurglites because we can actually do something to them
>Looking around for the officer's vox
>It's halfway disintegrated
>Look for the commissar's vox
>Same story
>As I'm looking I see the tank do a fucking push up
>It fires into our trench killing a few of my underlings
>Lucky bastards
>One survived unscathed
>Unlucky Bastard
>The tank starts towards us
>"Hit the Emperor-damned deck!"
>Our ditch was deep enough so that we weren't run over
>The tank stops over our trench and we can't move
Might as well keep digging.
>Be Necron Lord
>Realize the Ork Tank is charging at me at full throttle
>Try to get out of the way but get impaled on some decorative piece while attempting to jump out of the way
>Suprised I didn't get sucked under the treads
>Unimpale my self and dodge the massive weapons swinging wildly
>Pull some metal spikes out of my torso that broke off
>One of them seems to to be somewhat usable
>MFW I'm now facing a massive Ork-tank with a sharpened stick
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>be me
>get sent to backwater planet
>everyone's fighting over some holy relic
>get there
>its a holy depicting saint celestine
>supposedly it may have been blessed by its namesake
I wonder if we could trade with the guardsmen for it?
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>Be Chaos Lord Vögeln of a Slaaneshi Warband.
>Contacted by Slaanesh her/himself
>Daemonettes are bugging everyone due to the sheer amount of sexual frustration manifested by some Eldar chicks
>A bunch of guardsmen turned traitor just to fuck xenos
>The Mechanicum sheer metal boner for some necron artifact (something about a Aeonic Orb or something, don't care) is enough to open a rift right on the middle of the battlezone
>The loyalists all are killing themselfs trying to protect a waifu pillow
>MFW all Slaanesh want's is just for me to cum on top of the pillow
>Be Saint Celestaine
>I descend in a shower of holy light to greet my fellow sisters of battle to lead and inspire them
>The cheer and are filled with faith and determination
>Until I tell them my name
>Then it's five minutes of questions
>Moment's fucking gone
>Golden light's fucking gone
>Just a chick with angel wings and some chicks in power armor standing in a fucking field now
>Then the orks came
>Manage to fight off all these orks away from the bar
>Taking another swig of Catachan Whiskey
>See sororitas girls walking around, one of them is purging some nurglings
>Remember I need to see that Waifu toting guardsman
>Takes a 40 oz of Hiveworld booze and flag a sororitas rhino down
>I tell the sororitas that I have been here since the beginning and I need to see the commander of the guard on the planet
>I hop in, the driver is a QT named Lydia, one of the girls I'm sitting in the back of the rhino with looks thicc
>Be Guardsman
>Good to see my psyker buddy is going to be alright.
>Gives me a warning to not travel alone and to be on guard.
>Wonder if it has anything to do with that terrifying rapeseer.
>step out for a smoke so I can think of who to drag along with me for a while
>get the feeling that I'm being watched.
>We exit the rift right on top of some bizzarre clusterfuck
>I am riding on top of my rhino
>Can see the whole battlefield
>Even the noise marines are disturbed by all the screaming
>Daemonette reforciments start flooding out of the rift and making a beeline towards the eldar
>Necrons are vaporizing everything whose butt isn't shiny metal
>Someone has attached a bayonet and what look to be a flamer in the waifu pillow and is trying to hold against a bunch of Orks
>Tau are fighting what looks to be our forces
>Khorne boys are here and trying to snag the pillow as an artifact
>Nurgle guys just seem confused
>Some Deathwatch guy just stole the rhino's Warp Amplifier
>Tau are fighting what looks to be our forces
>Sister's are torching everything
>Nids are sperging out against traitor guardsman
>How the fuck am I going to cum on that pillow
>I miss my Amplifier
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>Be Minotaur
>The high Lords have gotten wind of this holy relic and now want it to boost their own standing
>Get informed that we are to take it by any means necessary
>Also get informed that team killing is 100% allowed
>If the Blood Ravens think they can take all the shit they want, then it's time to teach them a lesson
>Time to go visit the Guardsfags first
>Be guardsman
>Look up to see if there's escape from this hell
>See what looks to be a falling Eldar craftworld
>See some spiky ships trying to board that craftworld
>Necrons are powering up some massive thing with a shiny orb on top
>They're pointing it at the craftworld
>I don't even like that pillow
>Ephrael Stern is best bolter waifu
>Be purging the occasional nurgling around
>Although they smell terrible and leave stains all over the floor, their filth never seems to touch the pillow
>Techpriest finally fixes our deathstrike systems
>Turns out all of our Mark's missed and didn't detonate
>All but the one on the chaos corrupted Craftworld
>Its in orbit wrestling with a tyranid hivefleet, imperial Navy and Tau fleet are fighting over the planet
>Tells techpriest to detonate the one on the craftworld while we wait for some orks bloody magpies to steal the other ones
>Techpriest says it would take some time to rearm and manually detonate the missile
>Goes outside with bro Marcus and starts slapping demons and heretics with my double knifu waifu, ending heretical Laifus while I wait
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>double knifu waifu ending heretical laufus
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>Be Sergeant Tarkus of the Blood Ravens
>Me and Squad Reclaimer have been sent to go procure a set of Relic Blades said to have been used by the Chapter Champions of several Chapters, including ours.
>Be decked out in a set of Tartaros Power Armor with a Power Axe and Master Crafted Combi-Melta, on my back is the Banner of Commander Hairgel
>Squad gets the same stuff but just Power Fists and Storm Bolters
>We have been cutting down both Aliens and Heretics alike, banner flowing beautifully in the wind as we do so
>See some fellow Astartes in Bronze Armor with Red Bu-
>Fecking Warp, its the Minotaurs.
>And they already beat us to the Swords
>Order the Squad to 'meet' them
>Go down with them to 'Negotiate' the importance of the swords, possibly even some armor.
>be dok tankboss
>tin lad is tougher dan oi fought
>even took summa me fifth choppa arm wif him
>Gork 'n/or Mork, if dese tin ladz in't da toughest gitz
>but 'e can't hope ta stop a zoggin tan-
>zoggin' direct hit roight on me chassis
>tough zoggin tank though, left just a nasty dent
>still, now oi's ten feet stuck in da ground
>start to wave me choppas around, knowing 'e still can't win
>all I got's ta do is get 'im over here
>call 'im a grot
>remember dat oi ain't got no talky bitz
>wait, wots da snotlings doin swarmin' me?
>Be Krieg Quartermaster Revenant
>Hear Shit is Real on a world a few systems away
>Entire regiment is being drummed up to reinforce this shit
>Other Kriegers already in the shit
>Hear all of the shit going down
>There's so many chances for martyrdom.
>What even is a pillow?
>Be Nurgling
>A few of my friends got run over
>Oh well, now we have a new Giant Friend to play with!
>Me and my friends start climbing all over him, drawing and all sorts of fun stuff!
>Be Lt Augustus
>Drop down on to the planet wearing fancy ornate scale armor as Chapter tradition dictates when approaching mortals for an offer
>On my way to the area I witness what has to be the most confusing case of who to shot I have encounter in my 150+ years of service to the Imperium
>One one side you have some magpies fighting Minatours over Emperor knows what
>On one hand tempted to side with Minatours due to the chance the magpies started it by stealing some shit
>On the other hand tempted to side with Magpies due to Minatours fetish for being fucking team killers and being general lapdogs for those old fucks on Terra
>Can't really decide which side to choose so just shout "Which one of you is the heretic who started it"
>mfw when they look at me and ask why is their a red, white, and blue Salamander
>Be Death Korp Grenadier GK6731
>The dugout is going quite nicely
>The tank finally moves
>Finally get to see the red sky again
>Just like home, beautiful
>See some Astartes Drop pods coming down
>Fucking glory-hogs
>I have to do something now before their steal all of our glory again
>"Fix Bayonets!"
>Everyone does so in 0.0003 seconds
>We clamber up out of the trench and run bayonets outwards towards the tank, firing at the nurglites and we go
>Still wondering when our other countrymen are going to be landing
>Want to leave enough enemies for them to die fighting too
>Whatever, I charge forward bayonet rushing the tank
>For the Emperor!
>Be Farseer
>Ishas tits, is it getting hotter here?
>whatever, I see my prey.
>just got to sneak in that tent behind him and incapacitate his psyker friend
>Fucking flawless.
>Be Krieg Quartermaster Revenant Stringofnumbers-83.
>Our landing is fucking atrocious.
>We don't even know what we're supposed to be killing.
>Our Line Infantry just staring advancing alongside the nearest Guard forces present.
>Our guns are just shelling everything. (Acceptablecasulties.nuncio)
>I'm just stuck doing Quartermaster things.
>There are so many wounded.
>I don't even know what's going under my knife anymore.
>Just cut, suture, stitch and send on.
>I think I shoved an Eldar's kidneys in at one point.
>Do they even have kidneys?
>Still no martyrdom.
On the plus side I've recovered so much equipment from the dead. Everyone keeps watching out for this one Astartes so they don't give me much attention. The lack of complains and comparisons to some carrion bird is pleasing.
>Be Necron Lord
>Trying to not get smashed by the Ork-Tank
>Notice the rotten goblins are coming to swarm the thing
>Take this as my chance to escape
>Some of the rotten things follow but I make use of my metal stick to knock them back
>I'm not becoming a flayed fag anytime soon fuckers!
>Call over reinforcements to stop the swarm
>A swarm of bloody scarabs dives into the fray
>Some of the scarabs turn on the somewhat loyal ones and rotten pieces of blood and meat just start flying everywhere
>Damn you Llandu'gor, the Flayer
>Notice the humans have started a charge against the rotten things and the tank
>It seems to have taken the rotten goblins attention off of me
>Finnally, I can get back to finding that damned body pillow
>Be Destroyer Lord
>Wake up to a royale between a bunch of annoying flesh things
>Hate Everything
>Except the scarabs, those guys are cute lil' babies
>Decide to order some warriors to power up the Æonic orb and fire it at whatever looks important to the disguting fleshies
>Actually fuck this, send every C'tan,megalith and even an Abattoir some cryptech left around.
>Hug my scarabs, never gonna let trazyn take them
>Go back to sleep, order scarabs to form a blanket around me
>Be Saint Celestaine
>Bullshit heretic xenos everywhere
>At least they distract my sisters from the awkward bullshit with me not being Celestine
>Aw, are the little fucking babies disappointed they only got a regular exalted warrior woman, blessed by the powers of the Emperor himself, instead of the famous one?
>be dok tankboss
>zoggin' reekin' gretchin crawlin' all ovva me an' smearin' shit on me
>dem creepy lil' 'umies is pokin' me wiv da choppas dey got on dey las-shootaz
>oi'd be laughin if it weren't fer two fings
>one, oi can't fysi... fyscial... fiscal... zog it, oi ain't got a gob ta give a good guffaw wif
>rev up me treads
>no luck, but it does skoosh wunna dem snotlings real good
>gettin' mad, so oi start shootin' off me shootahs and swingin' me choppas
>shots hit jack and me choppas can't hit anyfing on account of me weird angle
>zoggin' infuriating
>if oi didn't know betta, oi'd say da thumpin' in me cargo hold was me 'eart gettin' ang- wait
>realise oi still got some bugboyz left in me
>mentally 'ave a laff as oi let da boyz out on da 'umies and snotties
>Be Vögeln
>Operation Cum n' Run is not going as planned
>Tried to ran the rhino inside the guardsman formation
>Made it a few trenches deep before the guardsman and khorne guys noticed
>Daemonnetes are sneaking up on some eldar that is trying to sneak up on some guy and his psyker buddie
>Fuckin' C'TAN are everywhere now and some big ass necron triangles
>At least there isn't any tzeench worshippers
>Be Segmentum Commander
>Hear about some shitshow on a backwater planet
>It's some random ass forest world
>well, it won't be for long. Not if the Adeptus Sororitas have anything to say about it.
>Didn't even know that planet existed.
>Fuck it, I'm not drunk enough for this shit.
>Be Necron Lord
>Notice the megaliths and Æonic orb coming out in the distance
>Oh shit almost forgot about those things
>I wonder where the Destroyer Lord is
>Lazy bastard is probably still sleeping
>Don't really care, Less competition for that pillow
>Find a Gauss Flayer, though the axe part is missing
>Hear a loud screech from the giant tank thing
>Decide to evacuate the premise faster and not look back
>Be Death Korp Grenadier
>By the Emperor, this bayonet charge is actually working!
>Who would have thought stabbing a tank would work?
>Hear some big thumping in it
>Oh shit, it's going to blow
>This wouldn't be an honorable death
>But running is even more dishonorable
>I've got it
>"Walk away, but keep shooting!"
>They actually do it without question
>Was I that much of a sheep?
>Surely not
>Get about five steps back before it gives birth
>These unholy abominations start running towards us
>I stick my bayonet right in it's neck as says the Uplifting Primer
>It keeps charging me, but it's just louder now
>It's swinging at me, but my two bayonets are just long enough to keep it from reaching me
>What do I do?
>Do I shoot it?
>I guess
>Manage to take it's head clean off
>look over
>Half my squad is dead and the other half is dying
>Lucky bastards, they thought they could be me to it
>be imperial commissar
>secretly part of the inquisition and sent to root out heresy on some shitwater planet
>come up with perfect plan, start commiunicatuons with the tau, and then ask my guardsmen to join up with them. Then I excecute any idiot that accepts.
>find some guy with a body pillow, make vague threats to keep him in line, don’t really think he’ll be a problem.
>suddenly shot goes down with another inquisitor rooting through my stuff.
>try to explain what’s happening but he doesn’t believe me because admin won’t answer the phones
>massive war breaks out, suddenly a tau fleet arrive,realise I joking said ‘come on over’

Anyway I’m now hiding on their ship because my inquisitor buddy wants to kill me, anyone have some good ideas how to fit this?
>be sanctioned psyker
>head starting to feel a bit better after some r&r despite all of the commotion outside
>guardsbro is having a smoke within line of sight
>dissipating head pain alerts me to the crazy xenos' psychic presence again
>not good
>feels closer than before
>doubly not good
>casually slide hand under pillow and grab my laspistol
>yes I have an emperor damned laspistol im not an idiot that just relies on his psychic abilities like some psykers
>shift a bit and pretend to be sleeping
>if this bloody rape elf shows her face I'm gonna shoot it off
It's too late now dude
>Be Krieg Quartermaster Revenant Stringofnumbers-83.
>Shit is still crazy.
>Everyone is dying.
>I am pleased.
>Still pulling things off the dead.
>I don't know what I'm supposed to do with all these teef and shiny stone necklaces.
>Hear a Krieg bayonet charge went off
>Majority casualties
>Lucky bastards
>TFW stuck here sewing together whatever comes back to my section of the line
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>Sneak into the tent while beu is distracted
>I'll have to help him kick that habit
>Maybe some "positive reinforcement"
>Oh, the Mon'Keigh psyker is pretending to sleep
>Raise a makeshift club to hit him on the head
>If that doesn't work, I guess I could give him a handy or something
>I wonder what that bitch of a Harlequin is doing?
>Be Minotaur
>Fighting Bloody Magpies
>We were ordered to find the whereabouts of the body pillow and nothing will stand in our way
>Not our brothers, civilians and certainly not non-combatants
>Fortunately they can pay for this by giving us tribute
>Fighting's starting to get heavy and those guardsman and Magpies are going to pay by giving us their fucking heavy artillery
>The Lamenters have had it good for too long.onedaywithoutgettingfucked
>Suddenly some Eldar looking beast appears
>"Why in the Emperor's name is there a Harlequin dressed up as a color blind Salamander?"
>Be daemonette
>Some eldars sexual desire is so strong that I don't even have to worry about dematterializing back to the warp
>see she's about to get laid by clubbing some guy in the head
>cant have that, eldar sex fustration is the best food in centuries
>the club idea was nice tho
>club her in the head with my claw
>Be Guardsman
>Hear a meaty thunk behind me
>Please let my buddy be alright
>Oh shit.
>Standing over the rapeseer
>Open fire on the daemon while its back is turned and declare a perimeter breech
>be boss doktank
>'umies is gettin torn up roight proppa
>a zoggin' riot, dat
>still stuck, but at least oi get a front row seat ta flashlight patrol: da eatening
>wun uv da bugboyz actually manages ta git 'imself killed by a zoggin flashlight, maybe 'e didn't have enough steel platin'?
>a few 'umie corpses 'n two bugboyz get awfully close ta me treads
>figger zog it, oi got nuffin better ta do
>grind it all up
>oi move forward a bit
>keep tearin' on wiv me treads
>by some miracle uv Mork, oi manage ta dislodge meself
>zoggin' 'ell, oi be free
>well zog, erryone but da snotlings and wun a dem creepy lil' 'umies buggered off
>bugger off ta find me lads an' git krumpin'
>be sanctioned psyker currently pretending to sleep
>feel a presence looming over me
>pick up on some decidedly less than friendly intentions
>eyes snap open to see Rapeseer hovering over me with a goddamned bludgeon raised
>about to whip out laspistol to try and shoot her when a fucking daemonette clubs her over the head with a claw
>scream and scramble out of bed as Eldar crumples like a wet paper bag
>book it out of my tent and grab guardsbro as I begin the mad dash to whatever passes for safety on this rock
>give no explanation other than "shit is fucked in there"
>Be Farseer
>Be fucking unconscious because some dickgirl tittymonster-crab bashed me over the head
>And now that damn psyker is running off with MY beu
>Be Krieg Quartermaster Revenant Stringofnumbers-83.
>Hear about some conflict going on in the backlines.
>Someone got hurt.
>Grab my satchel of tools
>"Forget" the painkillers
>Shuffle off to my latest patient
>TFW still no Martyrdom.
>Hit eldar to hard, alert the psyker and his buddy
>Run away from tent under fire
>Realize that they were kinda cute
>Hide nearby and prepare to ambush 'em before the farseer manages to do the same
>I'm so stealing them from her
>Be Necron Lord
>Finnaly somewhere out of the fray
>Can get more intel on what's been going on
>Don't learn much other than more fighting going on and more enemy units pouring in
>No one really knows where the pillow is other than a vague idea of where it probably is
>Decide to start there
>Round up all nearby troops that are still loyal and get some non-fleshy transport
>I get into a ghost ark along with a few other Necron warriors and we set off to the general location of where the pillow might be
>Be Guardsman
>Hauling ass away from the tent, and quite possibly the Command Post
>Realize the Farseer is the same one that was accosting me before all this shit went down
>Not about to argue with my buddy, though
>Chick has clearly lost her mind
>Stop for a breather once I notice Psyker-Bro is bleeding again
>Be Death Korp Grenadier
>My squad is killing killed off
>That's not fair
>Stick one of them in the neck with my dual bayonet
>Fire again
>Fire again
>Fire again
>Fire again
>What the hell, how did it work last time?
>Realize I'm stuck to the back a flailing ork
>Why won't this one die?
>The rest of my squad is still getting killed
>Fuck, those bastards are getting to redeem themselves before me.
>It's not fair
>Look over and get blood and grime sprayed over my mask
>The tank has escaped
>Manage to pull my bayonets out of this filthy xeno
>It turns to run at me and I at it
>For the Emperor!
>Be Lt Augustus
>About to lose it over being mistaken for some filthy xeno
>Start questioning how one can mistake a 7ft murder machine as a clown but I then I remember I have more important matters
>Rationalize both parties want the sacred relic either for their collection or because the highlords said so
>Might be able to salvage this situation if I can get these two chapters to work with me to get it
>Before either one of them can start killing each other again I decide to start shouting "Brother let us not waste each others lives for the common goal we share, we should band together to secure the sacred relic and protect it until we are able to leave this system. One of us will get it anyway we might as well not further cripple the Imperium by autistic about it."
>I pray to the Emperor that these faggots actually agree to this, it will make securing the pillow for the Chapter easier.
> be Air Cast commander
> shit day
> called as reinforcements
> had to kill half of owr own guys because of some "keyos"
> IfTheAunSaidSo.greatergood
> Craftworld turned into abomination with tentables and claws
> Craftworld is currently raping a Tyranid Hivefleet
> Imperial ships are randomly swirling arround shooting everything
> Ork ships seem to have fused with Tyranids
> Orks seem to have fused with tyranids
> wtf?
> keep flying arround shooting everything
> weirdass lovecraftian Space Titan makes warp based travel inside the system possible, but leaving it impossible
> convenientplotdevice.t'au
> we keep flying arround shooting everything
> ground troops got scattered
> Aun'el is dead
> Necron ships start approaching
> lifting off from moons of the nearest Gasgiant
> they are fucking huge
> where are they going?
> mfw. you realise that this shitshow was not the only Tombworld in the system
> mfw. the Necrons are the only ones capable of utilizing FTL here
Oh wow, another >be guard multi faction shitfest...
>Muh epic battlez rite /tg/????
What's wrong with a good old battle anon?
He's allergic to fun.
Dat git's out o 'iz zoggin mind.

>Be Ceicacu Toori Sorcerer champion of Tzeentch
>Be watching the glorious chaos in a scrying pool of blood
>See the Slaneeshi fail
>See the Farseer debase herself while chasing a pathetic guardsman, and failing
>See the guardsman with his modified body pillow
>The pillow produced by the shell corporation I created
>The pillow design I ordered made
>Be enjoying watching everything unfold as planned
>Be preparing to move on to phase two....just as soon as I fix the horrid pain my twisted mutated form is in.
If Farseer doesn't get her way I will be dissappointed.
Same dude
>Be Farseer
>Wake up from my impromptu nap
>That Daemonette slut is gonna try to steal MY MON'KEIGH!
>This will not stand
>"Borrow" some supplies that were left unattended
>Stupid Mon'Keigh, a child could do this!
>Start scrying for my beu
>Sprint off in their direction
>No way am I going to lose to that skank.
>Be Guardsman
>Trapped under the remains of an artillery cannon
>Can't feel my legs, Ork noises getting closer
>Lasgun is empty, and I lost my bayonet in the chest of a heretic
>I was willing to die for the Emperor, but not like this
>I miss my bunk
Farseer, Guardsman, Psyker-bro, and their misadventures has to be some of the funniest shit I've seen in a while
And to think, with the new 40krpg system it can actually happen at your table! Though you're likely not going to be able to find a real pair of tits to play the Farseer
Wait, there's a new 40Krpg system?!
>Be Ceicacu Toori Sorcerer champion of Tzeentch
>Ribcages still not fixed
>gotta do this shit now if it's going to work, can't wait.
>Order slave to prepare to detonate the charges and open up the tunnels to the surface
>Grab magical Foci and tainted plasma pistol and move to rally my horde of subterranean mutants.
>Gotta finish the ritual to blot out the sky in conjured clouds so my devoted freaks aren't blinded by the sun
>Go to ritual eight point star prepared with nine groups of nine first born daughters who have lives nine seasons since their birthing at the tips of the star and at the center
>power up the array, watch as their flesh fries and their souls are consumed and feel the power flowing up into the atmosphere.
>get to mouth of tunnel to surface at head to mutant group
>charge up the tunnel as the charges blow
>If my Augury is correct and I read the man's intestines right, I should be coming up right next to that Slaneeshi fool.
> be Dark Eldar
> be on ship
> some guys are down there harvesting whatever is left alive
> lucky bastards
> wait.bdsm
> holy shit this weird twisted Space Hulk thingy is emmiting lot's of extasy, pain, sufering, self loathing
> be swirling around the thing
> it's like a Gortesque the size of a moon

So /tg/ how would you keep going just. Let's just swirl arround the thing to absorb as much as possible? Inject it with stuff to cause more suffering? Should we focus more on not getting killed by the other fleets instead?
The more of you depraved turbo-sluts die, the better. Get your fill and fuck off, I guess.
Wrath & Glory. Comes out in September but pre-orders get it in August after Gencon

which means we'll probably have it uploaded here in august. YAY PIRACY.
> be Slaneshtau, former Diplothot
> left behind on planet
> the great ascended one is locked is murderraping the Hivefleet
> so jelous.greatergood
> notice horny Eldar and Daemonette chasing one Guardsman guy
> meh... boring
> notice bunch of stiff suicidal guys in Gasmasks
> interesting
> their corpses scattered everywhere
> gotidea.yay4slanesh
> dress up as one of them
> fucking Gue'la shoes
> former diplomat so I'm fluent in low and high gothic
> go up and start chatting with that one Krieger guy
> is called #69553 G11
> wants to die 4 the Emprah very bad
> let's get along with them now
> #69553 G11 prepare to be murderraped
> you're my target now
>Still be Necron lord
>Traversing the forest with warriors
>Can't seem to find the base or any hints about its location
>This forest is fucking thick and the forest fire smoke isn't helping
>The flayed ones have started following us to find more bodies
>I'm pretty sure most of them are corrupted by the warp in some way or another
>One of them keeps on trying flirt with me
>Another is talking to some little rotten Nurgle things
>Most are talking about their corpse waifu's
>I really want to kill them all but can't due to the need of troops
>Make sure a good 5 feet away from the non-flayed soldiers
>As we search some more I decide to send some scouts out to find any points of interest
>Send the Flayed ones out as they are kinda disposable units and just because I hate the fuckers
>Hope they don't bring back more warp shit
The forrest on this dan planet must be tougher than the Catachan Jungle to survive all this...

Are we sure this wasn't a Death World to begin with?
It probably is, but must not be a Death World with Krieger standards
Well, in our defense the Sisters of Battle haven't arrived in force yet, and there's no sign of the Salamanders. Also, trees make for good cover, sir!
Hmm, yea, but the tyranids arrived they would have consumed all biomass which was not nailed down or able to protect themselves.

So the trees must at least be able to defend themselves against tyranids.

I heard that on one Imperial planet a wild tyranid bioform degraded into a type of parasitic mind-controlling plant.

> rogue Tyranid bioforms can evolve into plants, or at least things which look like them
> what if the whole forrest is just a form of devolved Tyranid
> oh God why

Of course the Plant-Tyranid was from Catachan: http://warhammer40k.wikia.com/wiki/Brain_Leaf
>Be me
>Sister Hospitaller
>Canoness Says that we have to go purge a bunch of Heretics and Xenos on some backwater forest world
>Well, shit. I was hoping to stick around and perform some "physicals" on the new batch of Choir boys...
>Might as well get geared up.
>Also have to remember to bring my makeup, gotta look pretty for the boys down there
>I just hope Sister Agitha doesn't set up another "Free Pussy" sign outside her tent. The slut.
You make a solid point, sir! I am but a lowly Guardsman, sir!
> be Magus Xenobiologist
> tagging along with some Catachan Guardsmen
> one notes jokingly "The forrests here sure are as tough as back at home."
> face goes pale
> *smells and gently strokes grass"
> feels like fucking exoskelleton
> *lookes at trees*
> fucking resemble insectoid forms
> mfw. every fucking living thing on this planet is a tyranid
> mfw. we are all fucked once it reconects with the hivemind
> mfw. this was a fucking typical new collonial world; shit should have been a double-death-world
Is this the plot for dawn of war 4?
this has way too much character development for that
And far too many factions from the very beginning, how could we even sell any dlc about it?!
We could get EA in on it. Those fuckers LOVE dlc.
>be eldar wraithguard
>Fuck I've been walking for hours
>Even after I've died my legs still hurt from all this walking
>Have managed to make it at least in sight of the human base
>Honestly fuck calling them mon'keigh, stupid name anyway
>See it's in quite the state of disrepair, nurgle looks like he's joined the fray
>Decide to head into the camp, might as well see if I can find something to get off this world, I'm sick of dying
>Spot guardsman and his higher-up dashing around, chased by daemonette and a...banshee? Farseer? Some crazy bitch regardless
>Pretty sure I'm going to get shot on sight
>Screw it, I'm just going to the nearest bar, ask where this pillow commander is and try to reason with him
>I wish I could have a drink
Let the farseer get it on!
>be Rogue Trader
>lost in warp trying to get back to pocket empire
>Astropath Kurge reports massive warp disturbance hampering navigation
>daemonettes show up aboard again, somehow
>bridge crew still has their 'distracting' material
>either Gellar field is fucked or warp is extra fucked
>Kurge finally finds an exit row realspace

>we exit in the shadow of a moon, immediately notice green lights across its surface
>see some lights flying toward the planet.
>see fuckhuge Eldar-Daemon craftworld
>see fuckhueg Tyrants hiveship
>see massive Imperial fleet with Space Marine ships
>see Necron ships, Tau ships, more Eldar ships, even Chaos ships
>we'll wait for everything to blow over before going in
>listen in on comms, freeze up like I'm on Fenris
>"body pillow" mentioned everywhere

Well /tg/ I'm stuck in this system and resigned to watching the waifu war from my hiding spot. Pray I don't get dragged into it any further
>Be me, Gastonius Adolphus Quintus Caligarus
>Former Imperial Knight Pilot-turned freeblade of House <Redacted>
>Chilling on my collection of rare, first edition Imperial Saints-line of bodypillows
>Just vaping on my ancient Helios-pattern Mk-XII Lho Vaporization Device
>Suddenly my squire bursts in, making me almost choke on my Plom-flavoured vapours
>He starts excitedly telling me about some bumfuck nowhere planet not too far from us
>Throws me a dataslate and starts singing some vaguely homoerotic song about me
>Oh great. Some massive free-for-all between almost all the known xeno species and half the existing Imperial forces along with what is apparently traitor guard, a Tyranid hive fleet, a bloody corrupted craftworld and apparently not one, but two tomb worlds
>Welp. Bit too hot for my tastes. I’ll just stay here and chill on my pil…
>A single pict-grab of some random guardsman with a fucking FIRST EDITION SAINT CELESTINE BODYPILLOW!!
>Slap my squire from his inane song and tell him to get the serfs oiling my Styrix-pattern Questoris Knight and get this ship turned towards the bumfuck of nowhere
>Time to go and complete my collecting before those twats from the Knight Houses get their grubby mitts on MY pillow
> keep being Xenobiologist
> fucking panic-mode
> done some tests
> everything ist tyranids
> grass is tyranids
> trees is tyranids
> mushrooms, animals some rocks...
> fuck even some Orks are tyranids on this shitwhole of a planet

> calm down Gregorius, you're surrounded by Catachans. There is literally noone in the galaxy better at dealing with hazardous native life.

> call the central command (aka. pillow-guy)

> report findings

> be sister Ruliana
> hospitaler, first assignment
> for some reason they send us to this planet
> lot's of bad things are happening
> people will need my help
> uppon landing I find this cute litle native thing
> it's mommy died
> it has 3 pairs of eyes and 3 pairs of limbs, but it's round, the size of a cat and has a soft pushy fluff surrounding it's body
> It also does cute "~wan~wan" noises when it's happy
> I taught it how to feth medical supplies
> it's also growing very very fast.
> such a cute little thingy
> I'm keeping him
>He's called Limmy and some other sisters have come to like him too.
> having something fluffy and soft to keep you company can make even the worst of situations seem a little bit brighter
>Be me
>finally arrive in the sub-sector
>finally time to get the artifact for my collection.
>set ship in high orbit above the planet
>see all these fucking ship being absolutely fucking rekt
>pick up a few Stasis grenades, a few tesseract labyriths and my trusty Empathic Obliterator staff.
>Have a read of the planetary map
>Notice a there’s a point of origin for all these missiles hitting targets left and right.
>its a Guardsman fortified position, truly a fortress.
>Get a few of my underlings to dress up as me and send them to near the camp to probe the defenses and try to nick the pillow, if this fails, ill just send more minions.

You're gonna have the time of your life mate. So many things to add to the collection:
- Bodypillow Holy Artifact
- Tyranidorlks
- Slaneshtau
- devolved Tyranids
- maybe frangments of Daemon Craftworld
- samples of C. Eldar infected by a diesese which makes them super-horny

Must be christmas for you mate.
Ansolutely, although those things are secondary, and also i do not deal with Tyranids ever since the last ones i tried to keep In my Exhibit got loose and I had to find a fucking war on them, so Tyran-Orks is absolutely out of the question. As for the craftworld eldar with the disease that is totally something I can get and the Chaos Tau ,yes yes that will definitely be part of my collection
I will definitely be keeping parts of the Daemonic craftworld

>Be Blood Raven in Squad Reclaimer
>Tarkus has us fighting fecking MINOTAURS over some swords
>Their Sergeant killed Larry with a fucking nice Great Crusade Era Thunder Hammer
>I hope I get to kill him and take that Hammer, its kinda, it would make a nice trophy weapon
>The Sergeant, as usual, is holding his own against their Sergeant
>Wouldn't expect anything less from 'The Ancient'
>Brought out of thought when one of the Bronze Fuckers try to gut me with some Lightning Claws
>Barely dodge them, respond by punching in the face.
>Stop just short as another Astartes present by making themselves known.
>Its some random idiot wearing Red, white, and blue armor bearing Heraldry of the Salamanders
> Tries to get us to stop fighting so we can team up to search for that Holy Bodypillow the Chapter Master is looking for
>Apparently everyone wants it because its a sacred relic, even the Xenos are trying to steal it
>Would be glad to go back to killing the Tau, turn to look at Sergeant Tarkus
>The Sergeant says that the Sallie is right and that we should team up
>Quickly uses his Private Vox Channel to say we work with the Sallie until the pillow is ours to grab, then double cross both the Sallie and Minotaurs and steal all their loot
>Feck yeah, the Hammer will be mine
>We look over to the Minotaurs, seeing if they will agree
> be Dark Eldar
> Daemo Craftworld-Hivefleet clusterfuck is best shit ever
> I'd drag it back to the Webway if not for well... Slanesh and Tyranids
> have great idea
> go to supperior
> propose to use all our fancy duggs to maximise the suffering and extasy experienced by both the Daemon Craftworld and the Hivefleet
> greatidea.bdsm
> nothingcouldgowrong.feedonemotion
> hesitation follows
> he agrees
> fucking great!
> Heh, the guys raiding the surface are useless compared to us!
> start shooting modfied bullets into the clusteruck
> apply druggs
> start absorbing even more suffering and extasy
> OH YESS!!!!!

Nothing could go wrong right?
There won't be any unforseen consequences comming. Only profit, only keikkaku.

... all creatures connected to the Hivemind become overly senssitive towards pain and sexual stimuly

Fucking hope anyone GreenText's that, dunno how, but one can hope.
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>Be with Bro Marcus, slapping the shit out of heretics with holy relic
>This double bayonet thing is the best shit to ever happen since I bought the pillow from that rogue trader
>See more of the bloody magpies running around, and hear more and more reports of sisters running around with a living saint
>A Saint, like Celestine herself!?!
>I must find her and make her my true waifu
>Starts calling up the rest of my men and form a strike group to look for this living saint
>As I hop into a Leman Russ, another one of those filthy nurglings try to cling on Bro Marcus' leg, he proceeds to burn it with his flamer that he attached to his melta (Guy really knows how to attach weapons to stuff)
>inside the human base now
>Yup, it's swarming with war
>Damn, wish I was still a titan
>Could be worse though, turns out nurglings and nids-orks can't assimilate a wraithbone-iron mesh as well as flesh
>Plus the rancid smells I know are there are gone
>Fight my way to human barricade, hope I don't get shot on sight again
>Thankfully enemy of my enemy still is a thing that happens, get into the less shitstormy part
>Try explaining to marines and guardsmen we'll back them up in trying to find a way to warp people off this rock before it turns into another exterminatus
>No idea why, but I reckon pillow commander has the better idea, we can lend him the fire support to do it
>Pretty sure I'm sick of heritics and other xenos at this point
>Heck, emperor's finest are the most sane race here, maybe these human folk aren't all that bad
If it means praising an emperor, heck, I'm sure it's not all bad to be allied with these mon'keigh...hell, I'm not even saying that word much any more
Any Remembrancers documenting this?
>Arrive into the system
>That was suspiciously quick
>Navigator informs me we’re stuck here
>Fucking hive fleet
>Are those Dark Eldar trying drug up the abomination of a craftworld/daemon engine?
>Get serfs prepping the drop pod while we sneak around the clusterfuck on the orbit
>Augury shows practically nothing useful, except for what looks like a mass of guardsmen and a Baneblade
>Guess we’ll drop in the vicinity, don’t want the paintwork scratched by enemy fire
>Always better to make a show for the landbound rabble
>Load up and hook up to my Knight and pop a shameful murder-boner because of the overeager machine-spirit
>Fire away lads!
> be sister Ruliana
> the battle has clamed down a tiny little bit
> Limmy is doing well
> some sisters are suspicious
> some guards even more so
> he has grown so big, he's the size of a big dog already
> I think he's hitting puberty
> has been acting weird when I pat his tummy
> and whining overly much over stepping on something sharp
> mustwantattention.xenopetmommy
I think thread is ded.


Hope it get's recorded or maybe revived.
The regimental enginseer of Waifucommander has a built in plasmagun, don't know about Marcus. Last I heard the techpriest helped defend the command bunker from Nurgle forces and is now on his way to artillery strike the Ork Tankboss.
>be boss doktank
>oi dunno why, but battle fer da past while 'as felt a zoggin' lot more intense 'n 'urty
>da ladz sayin' dey's feelin' weird in some uvva way
>oi can kinda feelz it too
>sweet Mork, just get down 'ere
>done a good bit o' krumpin' an' rompin' about frew sum forests round da place
>forests wot can apparently talk wiv me an Mork
>'ventually decide ta set up da faktory again
>only problem is dat we ain't got no gretchin, an' da bugboyz iz real bad at makin' fingz
>strongly conflicted between Mork's mission an' me own compu... cumpul... colpmunsh... need ta' do doktorin'
>zog it, bite da dakka

>be dok bugboy
>da operashun wuz mostly successful
>wun uv da ladz iz da lukky git who'z a tank now, 'e buggered off wiv a bunch uv da ladz
>oi've got a bugboy body now
>only issue is dat oi walk by finkin' ta move me armz, and move me arms by finkin' ta walk
>went better dan expected
>still got sum a dem snotlings runnin' about, dey'z a lot less tasty den wot oi remember
>aw well
>take sum un dat blurburry dakka, a big bug body, an' da bitz uv three boyz an' start tinkerin' ta figger out where oi can go wiv it
>still real zoggin' 'ungry
The only thing missing is Digganobz
>Drop-pod finally lands after wanking about for what feels like ages
>Several serfs seem to have liquefied on impact
>Suspiciously quiet outside
>Roll out the drop pod and notice something is... amiss
>Looks like the Relics of the DaoT aren't as sturdy as one is led to believe
>One of the Knight's arms is flopping limply on the side, well fuck-nuggets
>There's a curious stench coming from the surrounding artillery-blasted landscape
>We seem to have dropped on... are those orcs? Tyranids? Orknids? What the hell is going on in here?
>Several small, greenish snot-puddles dot the landscape, along with track-marks from a huge tank
>Also it seems there are several Krieger corpses around as well, some of them now unrecognizable mulch
>Now how does one go on about finding a lone guardsman with a bodypillow?
>Auspex shows some guard buidlings still standing far, far away
>Well, better place to check than nothing
>Start stomping my way there, trying not to think of the pillow in the hands of a... commoner

I hope I'm not late for the party.
> Be Enginseer from >>60658525
> Finally done with this shitstorm of field-repairs once most of the nurglites are done.
> Tempted to follow Waifu-Commander, but no, Tankboss is mine.
>Map check, attached guardsmen squad somehow still mostly alive.
> Praise the Omnissiah for small mercies.
> Find first of many Earthshaker artillery. A bit battered but with a new barrel, servicable.
> Even comes with a free crewmember.
"You, congratulations, you are now a gunner."
> As if he could do anything else with those legs.
> Oh yeah, charging Orks.
> IGotThis.plasmagun
> Give plasmagun support for the firing line of my escorting Guardsmen.
> Fortified position, poor Ork gunnery and a heavy weapon to deal with Orknids and nobs.
> Guardsmen who know how their safeties work.
> Victory for the Imperium!
> Hear the tank rumble in the distance.
> Ohshit.PANIC
> Load up gun and run for nearest imperial line.
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Mixed up my quotes. >>60658525 needs to be >>60656795 and vice versa.
>Be Minotaur
>Bloody Magpies want a truce to go find the holy relic
>they stole my favorite limited edition Iron Warrior heavy bolter and I want it back
>We agree to the truce because at the end of this someone is going to backstab and team killing is our specialty
>Now we're on the hunt for a the relic and an imperial knight just landed
>Should probably go "requisition" his help because right now the the roads are made out of limbs and blood
> be slowly resurfacing Hivemind of the Planets Biosphere
> have devolved into nonexistance some time back
> lack information on function and prime objective
> start connecting with the Hivemind which prompted my resurfacing and resumed evolution of local Tyranid lifeforms
> what is the purpouse of the Tyranid Hivemind?
> feed back unclear
a) To consume and incorporate all biomass in the Universe.
b) To be trapped in an eteral state of artifficialy induced extreme state of suffering and extasy.
c) To have lt'sa Dakka, be Krumpin' wif da Boyz 'n WAAAAAGH.
> objective function unclear
> for now...
> resume artfificial evolution optimising for all 3 purpouses
> collect more data
> restore maximum functionality
> research enemies
> find greater Goal of the Hivemind
Well, now the Tyranids are going to rape and pillage and WAAAAGH and nom.
This can only end well
>Be in back of rhino with Sororitas
>I tell them that we are looking for the Guardsman who is carrying a Waifu Pillow of Saint Celestine
>They look at me like I am crazy
>Im drunk off a 40oz of hiveworld booze so I dont blame them
>Sister Lydia gets a vox saying that Guardsman is heading for the living saint leading the Sororitas forces
>I tell her to bring us to the living saint
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>Atop a Leman Russ
>going around purifying the land
>Got a whole strikeforce of guardsmen who are just estatic to meet our Holy Saint Celestine
>As we are going through I get a vox from the Techpriest
>Deathstrike missiles ready to detonate on my call
>tell him to detonate them
>look up to the one lodged into the Daemon Craftworld fighting that Tyranid hivefleet
>Huge explosion in the night sky lights it up, red white and blue sparks flying all over the place
>As I am enjoying the lightshow I notice that it only severly damaged the dammed thing and it's still flying overhead

and then this shit happens

>Gets HoloCall
>Turns out its that Xenofucking Commissar
>"You're STILL NOT DEAD!?!"
>I tell him to go drown in Kroot dung, or maybe he could hookup with one of those Slaaneshi Tau
>I call him a dick too
>He hangs up, I guess ill expect him soon
> still be Planet's Hivemind... still don't know what to do
> whatismypurpouse.nom
> be collecting biomass to pump out Tyranids
- red ones optimised quick and fast melee
- yellow ones optimised for dakka
- pink ones optimised ro raping stuff
- black ones optimised for experiencing suffering
- purple ones for sneakyness and infiltration
> keep collecting data
> enemies everywhere
> nekrons the worst
> have no biomass
> that hivemind is dead
> signal is dead (beyond the WAAAGH faction)
> it's tyranids are in dissaray
> timetotakecontroll.hivemind
> still don't know my purpouse, keep following all 3
*- brown ones optimised for collecting biomass
(forgott that one)
>Be wraithguard, still looking for this commander
>Hearing reports of Celestine making her way here
>Greeeeeeat, more xeno purgers
>Better get this done quick
>As I'm about to head I hear quite the few profanities coming from a direction
>Make a left turn
>It's one of those Leman Russ battle tanks I think, with s guard captian on the top
>I think he's calling someone a xenofucker
>Figures, there's a ton of those
>Notice something
>He's got a...double bayonet...thing made out of...is that...
>It's the bloody guy who started this fight
>No turning back now, charge the position with a hand up, calling out to him
>Pretty sure I'm about to be shot at. Wouldn't be the first time I died today...
>Worth a shot at joining a side that doesn't involve the Necrons, chaos or nids...
> a Krieger
> with familybonds
> how
>be dok boss, former tankboss
>regrettin' me decision 'ard
>miss me treads an' me kannon an' me shootas, but oi gotsa do wot oi gotsa do
>'afta settle wif a much smaller tank ta put meself into later
>such iz loif
>startin' ta run low on boyz-bitz, so we'z gunna 'afta go scavengin' soona or later
>still, we's makin' plenty more bugboyz
>seez a few red wuns run past, can 'ear 'em WAAAAAAAAGHin' in me 'ead
>oi nevva made red bugboyz
>oi'm a zoggin' genius
>find da bugboy wif da bess paintin' skills an' 'ave 'im paint flames an' red on da fresh-made bugboyz

>still feelin' roight randy, 'long wif da ovva bugboyz
>da regyalah boyz ain't feelin' it, say's it ain't orky
>deyz jus' not orky enuff ta feel wot Mork iz makin' us feel
>'old on
>big boom up in da sky
>well zog me, oi ain't 'earin' Mork no more
>Be captain of the Dauntless Endurance
>Or at least the top half of him.
>Fucking Crabbitches.praises
>Just glad I got those gene-mods so I can still move
>We got swallowed by the fucking craftworld .
>Order Medicae to take me to my big fuckoff command throne.
>He's nervous, probably knows what I'm about to do, but complies.
>Break glass on big red button.
>Detonate warp core and plasma reactors.
>Fuck you Chaos Bugs.
Well shit, lets just call the booms simultaneous. that way it doesn't screw up the timeline.
> Be Daemon Craftworld
> during my Murderrape session with the Hivefleet I came to terms with my disgusting appearance
> it's not that bad I can use illusions
> I can look hoever I want
> think of it as make up
> suddenly my Murderrape session is interrupted
> the Hivefleet is obliterated
> fucki'mleftalonewithmythoughtsnow.suffering
> my anxiety it's as welding up
> i fucking hear them all down there
> the bitch Celestine is there!
> fucking oculd have sworn it was another saint, but fucking hell
> this Dark Eldar shit is also making me all ditzy
> of course fucking Imperials
> becarefulwhatyouswallow.justgirl'sthings
> my whole fucking body (craftworld) is torn to shreds
> mfw. I can't stay in the material realm anymore
> mfw. I will spend eternity wandering the warp
> mfw. noone in the warp will aknowlage my beuty, because Slanesh will be always hotter
> despair
> I feel my spirit going to the warp
> fuck this
> despair changes to anger
> with one last burst of conzentrated power I change the image on the Holy Body Pillow to my ideal self

On the bodypillow now is the immage on a Daemonic T'au Watercast with some Eldar features mixed in, doing a pinup pose and the same pose naked on the back.
It does look pretty sexy.
I think his explossion damaged the Craftworld and killed the Hivefleet while your's finished off the Craftworld, or so I treated it in my post.
It works.
I'll let it pass, makes total sense

>As I watch the explosion lightshow, see second explosion
>Looks like 'Murican holy day known as "July of the 4th"
>Glance down at the body pillow, I swear I thought I saw the image of the holy saint turn blue for a moment
>Shrug it off as light reflections
>Sees some sororitas fighting bloody magpies
>Decide to help out the sororitas
>From a distance I see some tau force rolling through
>Nearly get hit in the face by a bolter round
>Fucking magpies
>Be the former captain of the Dauntless Endurance
>Be drifting in warp after giant red white and blue plasma-splosion banished us all to the warp.
>Hope I don't get eaten by daemons.
>Giant Golden eagle starts to come towards me through the shifting colors.
>Giant golden eagle comes to a stop in front of me.
>Opens it's Beak
>"All according to Keikaku"
*TL Keikaku means plan*
inbefor every other body pillow in the system got turned into slaaneshtau diplothot. only the holy one survived.
psyker bro here, if anyone wants to take over as psyker bro to keep this cockblock train rolling feel free
> is in the warp
> some random-ass fucking eagle flies by and eat's a bunch of Imperial
> probalblyjusttzeench.chaos
> my vissage disappears from the Pillow
> mfw. it means I'm in direct psychic combat with Saind Celestine over who'se the better waifu
> I may not be as strong as her, but I'm much smarter.
> start burning up my soul
> fek not enough Warp-power to override the whore
> no reason to override her!
> mostsmartestmostbeutifulest.me
> bind my whole essence and existance to that fucking pillow
> theholyenergyisburning.warp
> twist image on pillow into form where on the front me and Celestine are doing Pinup together (I'm slightly in the front)
> twist image on the back to me and celestine doing some Yuri (I'm the top)
> fucking had my essence bound to a Craftworld
> now have my fucking essence bound to a pillow
> fucking not letting go
> you'll have to kill me to get rid of me
> fuck you Celestine
> I'm the better waifu
> you'll have to exorcise me from this pillow if person if you want me gone
> mfw. I have defiled a holy Imperial relic
> mfw. I'm best waifu
> mfw. that even if I'm killed Saint Celestine herself has to aknowlage this pillow as an artifact and holy item

Fucking worth it.
>Be slaaneshi cultist
>Hiding in bunker with eldar body pillow
>It turns into some Tau girl
>She looks Thicc af
> keep this cockblock
No, for this very reason
> Finally got an artillery battery back to somewhat functional order.
> A salute to the big explosion of the Omnissiah's given Deathstrikes from just now.
> Everything ready for the big tank bug hunt.
> Servo skulls track it down. Rampage of the thing is easy to follow.
> There's a knight that seems intent on the command post for whatever reason.
> Hail proud knight, we have to secure a DaoT tech before the Orks defile it further.
> Actually picked up some wisdom of the IG that the rest of the mechanicus undervalues.
> Namely, one can always use more firepower.
> Especially when hunting superheavies.
> He's here for the pillow.
> Think quickly, just keep referring to the defiled Baneblade as a DaoT relic, he doesn't need to know that the pillow is elsewhere.
> Gotta hunt down the relic that's out there killing Imperials first, then we can worry about a possibly heretical pillow.
Psykerbro has two jobs to do anon, and those jobs are to fry bitches with warp lighting and to prevent penile penetration of space elves by humans
> be Slaneshi Tau
> one of the last few remaining
> have succesfully infiltraded a Krieger Regiment
> got my sights on a guy
> he's so innocent, like a kid
> keep shooting whatever besides him
> that + warpfuckery + diplothot experience
> he's on the hook
> so fucking innocent
> need to override hi sense of purpouse and we're ready to murderuck right here on the battlefield
> just as keikkaku
> suddenly rainbow-tyranids
> wtf.greatergoodchaosstuff
> some black ones are just taking all the damage, not even fighting back
> the yellow one is shooting the red one is running around,
> the pink one
> wtf is the pink one doing
> oh, oh praise Slanesh
> I let the fucker get me
> a black one jumps in too in between me and my Krieger Darling
> Krieger Darling tries to kill it, but the black one's are tough
> irony.slanesh
> that look of despair on the Krieger's face (can feel it trough the mask)
> oh yes
> I'm cucking the guy
> oh, he's crying
> kid must have fallen in love with me
> shoots me in the head #mercykill
> mfw. I cucked and traumatised the guy 4 life
>prevent penile penetration of space elves by humans
Any prevention of eldar and human mating in unacceptable.
>Be in Sororitas Rhino
>Hear explosions overhead
>Hear that those explosions overhead destroyed that Chaos Craftworld and the Tyranid hivefleet
>Sister Lydia tells me that the guardsman and the relic are fighting alongside the other sororitas
>They're also fighting blood ravens and fucking Tau led by that traitor Commissar
>also hear the living saint on the planet is saint Celestein and not Celestine
>Arrive on scene
>Find guardsman with holy relic with not one, but TWO bayonets in melee combat with a blood raven terminator and some kroy
>Also notice Celestine is wrestling with a slaaneshi tau thot on the pillow
>Implying this isn't how it was meant to be
>implying it isn't the destiny of the Eldar to remain forever unfucked
Bros don't let bros get executed for fraternizing with xenos. Psykerbro must protect his new buddy and find him a nice sororitas to lie with instead
> be Sister Ruliana
> the Sosorits didn't want to let me ride in the Rhino with them
> well not me, but Limmy
> Limmy started to behave weird, sometimes growing scales, sometimes changing colour
> Limmy still was a good boy
> I'm sadly a hospitaler
> duty calls
> I sit in the back of the Rhino missing my baby
> I let him with good babysitters
> he's big and strong now
> bigger than a horse infact
> sitting with the other sororitas is boring
> they keep blabbering about heresy and xenos and stuff
> on called me childish because I like fluffy things
> guess who'll be getting medical treatment last
implying Emps himself won't get an eldar waifu - Isha
implying Guilliman didn't get one already
implying I would let Macha stay virgin forever
implying eldar and human alliance is not destined
But the mating of that rape seer and guardsmen will give Isha the power she needs to escape nurgle and run to daddy e. It must be done.
>be sanctioned psyker, world class space elf cockblocker
>had to stop for a breather after nose began bleeding again
>camp is in chaos
>chaos is in camp
>literally and figuratively
>just heard my guardsbro think the eldar to be cute
>almost threaten him out of reflex like a did the other guy
>instead put my hand on his shoulder
>"It's not worth it my friend. I won't let you get executed by a Commisar over some thousand year old skank"
>notice that headache has subsided thanks to the adrenaline despite the nosebleed
>still not sure I want to risk using my abilities just yet
>still got my laspistol at least
>look to my guardsbro and raise my laspistol
>"Let's get back in the fight, yeah?"
>Still be Necron lord
>Scouts come back eventually
>They're covered in plant parts
>They claim the plants bleed and that the wood's meat
>They also mention how something exploded in the sky
>Look up
>Oh shit something big exploded
>Wonder which ship it was
>The one in the back said some Necron ships were descending
>None of them found any bases of operations however
>Decide I've had enough with this massive forest
>Order the Flayed ones to start cutting down the foliage and for the warriors to shoot down the trees
>Hope this will help us find something
Guardsbro must remain pure!
Are you doing this out of spite, anon?
Only purer love than between human and eldar is between human and Emps
Poor psyker bro doesn't understand that human clock was made for eldar pussy.
This heresy isn't what the Dauntless Endurance died for, you Slaaneshfiend in disguise.
nah, still original psykerbro just keeping with the character. A big part of me really wants to see the inevitable clash of horny daemonette vs somehow hornier Farseer
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I agree with this
>be dokboss, former tank
>da violence 'as escalated
>it started when a regulah boy bonked a bugboy wif 'is choppa
>bugboy starts moanin'
>all uv us bugboyz can feelz it
>fukkin better den krumpin' an 'orde uv 'umies while shootin' so much dakka ya could almost call it enuff
>sum uv da bugboyz starts wailin' on each uvva
>de-jen-ur-ates into a full zoggin romp of bugboyz beatin' each uvva jus' wifin an inch 'a gettin' krumped
>all da regyalah boyz iz eiva krump't or 'as run off in confyuzin' an' cowardice
>we keeps dis up fer a good bit
>it'z not enuff
>consult wiff da mekbug, who kneez me teef out
>'e gets a wild idear when oi shatter wun uv 'iz six armz
>oi figger it can work
>get da ladz to stop krumpin each uvva jus' long enuff ta git started

>be docboss
>and all da bugboyz
>we stitched and welded usselves into a single, massive bugboy form
>all uv our mindz iz praktically fuzed togevah wif mental implantz
>constant agony, oi nevva felt such pleasure
>da treez and da wild bugboyz can feel it too
>we'z start ta git 'ungry
>real 'ungry
>we gotsa eat
>shamble off in search uv food ta krump, in unending agony da whole way
How about farseers x guardsmen and slaaneshi x psykerbro. Could even have psykerbro convince slaaneshi the degeneracy of vanilla love making, cuddling, and Handholding.[/spoiler
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>Pushing this heresy on psyker and guardsbro
Cease this heresy at once. Guardsbro is for sororitas and psykerbro is for forever alone.
>Be on frontlines with Tau fighting against WaifuGuard, Magpies and Bolter Bitches
>See that the holy artifact Is being corrupted by SlaaneshiTau
>Stealthsuits report Living Saint on the planet
>Hatch an idea
>Bring a killteam of Battlesuits and BlueberryGuardmen to hunt down saint to corrupt the relic
>Fight through bolter bitches until I find the living saint
>As I aim my bolt pistol to her face, she is Tearing through one of the battlesuits, I get jumped by one of those Orknids
>Guardsbro is for sororitas and psykerbro is for forever alone.
>making it THIS boring
>he thinks dominating a deamon with raw human might is heresy.
>he thinks saving the empire with xenocides love is heresy.
I think your the real heretic here bucko.
Fuck I mean xeno(eldar) love
Inwill not go down this road with you, Slaaneshi cultist. The only other acceptable options are guardsbro x guardswoman or guardsbro x Saint Celestaine where he helps her get over constantly being compared to Celestine. Psykerbro remains forever alone though such is the sacrifice he makes for his bros. Think a psychic Hitch
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What if cuddling and hand holding is simply the most lewd thing the demonette can think of
he actually IS that boring
not replying more though, don't want to derail this
> be planetary Hivemind
> fockin'g necrons are burning us down
> wasting precious biomass
> the "WAAAAAAAAGH" faction is the only one still alive
> must be best one, must be correct one
> the purpouse of the Tyranid is to WAGH
> but also to endlessly siffer pain and extatic agony it seems
> massive Tyranid not full yintegrated into humbind yet
> perfect specimen
> endlessly suffers
> enough biomass
> innitiate evolutionary acceleration
> activate glands to reshape the body
> were making this badboy into a Dominatrix
> give Dominatrix controll of as many tyranids as it needs
> send Dominatrix which wants to be called "Doc" to deal with Necrons and secure biomass
>implying this isn't secretly the psyker protecting his husbando
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Be Flayed one
>Be sent out to cut down the forest by lord dick tits
>Go into the forest with friends
>The plants are tasty
>The tree's have the best meat but the asshole warriors keep on shooting them to nothing
>Give most of the tree meat I can find to my nurglings
>They seem to enjoy it
>My best friend is making use of the vines that try to ensnare you in a lewd manner
>Can see Lord Dicktits disgusted by this
Seriously what's his problem, is he jealous or something?
This thread is about 45% heretical
let's make it 50% with Eldar/Mon'Keigh earplay
>be Aeonic Orb
>forgotten by the fluff
>deactivated for god knows how long after the war in heaven
>some nice warriors come along
>not very talkative
>apparently activated by some destroyer lord who just wanted a nap
>hasn't defined a target
>just says to supernova what looks important
>look up with my scanners
>see what looks like the ship of some of the old ones creations
>see its full of warp stuff
>fire a full power solar flare at it
>blow a massive hole through it
>please be proud of me destroyer-chan
I'm confused XD
What the hell did you shoot?

The other Eldar Craftworld?
kill yourself newfag
inb4 that Farseer becomes a daemon prince of slaanesh through the promise of "I'll get you laid"
No, not with Eldar. We had shlicktau for that.
>Be Farseer
>Still chasing beu
>That slaaneshi thot is near, though
>I can smell the body glitter
>Oh, his psyker friend has fallen behind it seems
>One less obstacle to have to deal with
>Now I just have to catch him before that daemonic bimbo does
>be Deamonette
>see psyker and guardsman having a cute moment
>ship it so hard
>needs more chaos though
>realize they're distracted waving their guns in the air
>dash at them trying to swipe their guns away to make things easier for me
>trip on some stupid ork tank debris
>miss horribly
>only rip off their clothes with my claw
>they look so cute in their loyalist undies
>realize they are still armed
>run away under fire again
>got a nice view though
>more than eldar bitch
>totally worth it
> be Dark Eldar
> the moon-sized Grotesque got blown up
> :(
> no more free suffering
> should we go collect some more of the lower races?
> oh fuck no
> there is an Ork-Dominatrix hybrid walking around there
> too much of everything
> time to go back home boys
> leave this clusterfuck, go home
EVERY eldar craftworld, or whats left of them
May the emperor protect their purity
I fucking love this thread, hope we got some sort of conclussion.
>Be me
>Freeboota Kaptin Snikstabba Goldteef
>Boss o' yuge Freeboota Hulk da boyz call Wuldkrumpa
>Dis iz da life
>Only problem iz annoying Jeanstealers/Bugboyz in da bottom of ship
>Jeanstealers suddenly start yelling WAAAAAGH!!! all over the vox
>"Wot da zog?"
>Drop hulk outta Warp ta do sum proppa bug hunting
>Grots suddenly squealing at me about GORK-ZOGGING YUGE battle going on in da system
>Humies, Beakies, Tau, Panzees galore, tin skellygits...
>"Wot da zog iz dat?! Datz nodda greenskin!"
>"Wodda mean itz bellowing WAAAGH?"
>"Zog it! Da boyz an' bugboyz need sumfing to krump anyway!"
>Order 'Bugboy Minderz' to shove as many bugboyz, jeanstealers, an' boyz in da boardin' rockets an' fire 'em at da panzees.
>"Not doze panzees ya git, da ones wid all da spikes!! Do Ah need ta do everyfing myself?!"
>Wasn't planning on raiding dis wuld, but wot Freeboota turns away from a good scrap?
>loyalist undies
Imagining some munitorun grade underpants filled with little cute cartoony aquilas
>Be Guardsman
>Be sans pants
>Some bitch of a daemonette stole them
>Probably gonna use them for "personal purposes"
>Look being me and see rapeseer gaining on us
>She's really moving
>I thought she was fast before
>May the Emperor have mercy on me, for I don't believe I'll be able to put up much of a fight
>Be Necron Lord
>Still moving through the "Forrest"
>The plants are getting harder to destroy
>Some of the plants try fighting back
>Nothing serious but it's really slowing us down
>The vines are getting harder to kill
>Some the Flayed ones are letting the vines violate them
>Really want to kill them but I really need units for fuck sake
>The vines start ensnaring the vehicles
>Not enough firepower to keep them back
>Decide to have everyone to exit and start shooting the vines
>It helped but it wasn't easy still since they're coming from pretty much everywhere
>Really hope to get out of this forest away from the rape vines soon
>Be Lt Augustus
>Thank the Emperor, they actually agreed to this plan
>Still sense their malice and know both will inevitably betray me but that can wait right now we have more important things to worry about
>First order of business is finding the waifu commander
>Around this time notice the massive fuck all explosion in the sky
>Some madman actually managed to damage that fuck all abomination in the sky
>That makes getting back easier
>But it also means the Nids are now going crazy with all the reports that are starting to pop up
>Decide to contact most of the strike force to come down and join us, also tell them to bring the shottys due to increase likelyhood of retarded nids
>be walking WAAAAAGH, formerly bugboyz
>wait, we'z walkin'?
>as we recall, we didn't 'ave any legs before
>or a zoggin' 'uge mouf
>funny, dat
>still, we'z 'ungry and lookin' ta krump sum gitz, maybe git a little krump't ourselves
>da treez iz tellin us ta krump da zoggin' tin ladz cuz dey'z krumpin' da treez
>soundz loik a scrap ta us
>let out a loudest, longest WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH this puny system evva 'eard
>da bugs on da ground start WAAAAGHin' too, followin' us like little bug squigs
>a few step unda our feet as we'z goin', Gork 'n Mork da pain is rich
>but da pain uv da treez is ekskrushiyatin'
>follow da pain
>'fore long, we'z seez da tin boyz ovva da horizon
>bellow out da bes' roar we kin musta az we charge 'em wif our bugz
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>be sanctioned psyker
>be stripped down to my underwear thanks to daemonette
>I feel exposed
>psychotic reee'ing alerts me once more to the rapeseer's presence
>still not certain I can warp speed away
>fire at psychotic Eldar with laspistol
>can't let what may literally be my only friend get raped
>scream at him to run
>know I'm probably gonna die horribly at he hands of space elf Fleece Johnson
>Be Freeboota Gitsmacka
>jeanstealer krumpin' spessulist
>somehow got stuck in boardin' rocket with ONLY WAAAGH-happy jeanstealers and a Mad Mekboy an' his grot helpers
>Mekboy iz strapping rokkits to a jeanstealer's arms as an 'ecksperament'
>our boarding rokkit goes THROUGH dark panzee ship as its leaving, bounces off a bunch of falling scrap and heads down toward planet
>boarding rokkit crash lands behind tin boyz in weird treez place.
>Jeanstealers burst out of rokkit, roaring WAAAGH!! lioke deyz Orkz an' get roight into da foight
>Rokkit-stealer's arms come off when he tries to attack
>Zog it all. A scrap iz a scrap I sayz
> be me honestly hard to tell what I am
> Por'o -> Deamon T'au -> Daemon Prince Candidate -> Craftworld Daemon Engine -> warp entity -> Picture on a Pillow

> posessing this damn pillow is hillarious
> Celestine does not want to be second place so were basically wrestling on it
(both on the dressed front and undressed back)
> the look on the faces of everyone is priceless
> even discount Celestine is chasing us
> all would be good if my true form was not some disfigured thing
> won't get out of this alive anyway
> might as well enjoy
>Be Necron Lord
>Still cutting through the forest
>The vines are becoming a real pain
>Hear a massive "WAAAAAAAGGHH" war cry behind us
>Organize firing line and start laying down suppressive fire
>It's not going to be enough to stop them any time soon
>Order a tactical retreat and abandon the vehicles to slow them down
>Start escaping with sane Necrons into the rape forest
>Half of the flayed ones stay and continue dicking around with vines
>Fuck them, they'll slow them down
>Decend into the rape forest while shooting any plant that got in our way
>be Ordo Excorium Inquisitor
>watch this shitfest from a distance
>Interrogator set up betting pool on when someone will snap and declare Exterminatus
>Tell her to get more popcorn
>*gets in our way
How this is developing, I'm enjoying it

>Notice that some slaaneshi Tau is wresting Celestine on the pillow
>Decapitate an orknid when I tell Bro Marcus we need to find the living saint
>We rush through the field, nearly dodging bolter rounds and railgun shots
>We find Traitor Commissar chainswording an orknid while Tau and traitor guard are shooting the living saint
>We cut down the tau easily but the traitor guard locks up my men in combat
>Its just me, bro Marcus against the Xenofucker Commissar
>He points a bolt pistol at me and tells me "I should have blammed you when I got the chance"
>He Fires at my head
>Felt like slow motion but Bro Marcus takes a bolt pistol round to the chest
>I'm knocked back by the impact, Commissar had his boot on my chest
>"Goodbye guardsman"
>Be Chaos Lord Vögeln of the slaanesh warband "Alluring
>Operation Sploosh n' Woosh is a total failure
>Ork Nids are a thing nowadays apparently
>At least they are making the khornates busy
>Craftworld debrie is falling everywhere
>Noone knows where the pillow is
>Decide fuck this, that bodypillow is getting sabotaged no matter what happens
>Discover theres a bunch of slaanesh cults around
>Have an idea
>Say to the noise marines to relay a message over the battlefield
>"The first to cum or release the apropiate sexual fluid on top of the celestine pillow will instantly ascend to Daemon Princedom"
>That should do it
I think they long did... if they come... wonder how they'll deal with the Aoenic Orb though.

I don't think Exterminatus will be enough to end this one.

> Oh, yes!
> have great idea
> yes, I know cumming on myself wouldn't work
> mindconnect with the Comissar
> convince Idiot I was his former T'au bae
(that one was a subbordinate, nice girl. Cucked a Krieger and got murderraped my a Nid)
> nothing a bit of persuassion can't do
> we're in the middle of the battlefield and that guy is masturbating in front of me
> the picture of Celestine is panicking
> she tries to avert he gaze
> mfw. this guy is about to become a Daemon Prince of Slanesh
> mfw. he is not even a Slaneshi cultist
>Be Ordo Excorium Inquisitor
>Ignore (eventual) prior exterminatus because that'd mean you have to do actual work
>eat popcorn and wait for the next one
Please tell me that's the OG guardsman that started this whole thing
No the OG guardsman got knocked out. The Comissar is the guy who wanted to blam him and then started banging T'au.
>Be Giant Golden warp Eagle.
>Been cruising about the warp for a few thousand years.
>Troll the shit out of some imperial navy officers by pretending to be Tzeentch
>They shit their warp-pants
>Eat a bunch of them that are growing tentacles and shit.
>Ask the one with the fanciest warp clothes what happened
>Tells me he wont answer to a daemon
>Jizz everywhere from remaining loyalist
>He tells me that everyone is fighting over a sacred body pillow on some dipshit planet.
>He blew himself up to kill a daemon-possesed craftworld
> "Huh, thats actually pretty metal"
>Look at planet
>See the bearer of the holy/daemonic relic get shot
>See Celestein about to get torn up by everything else
>Give the guy wings and a spectral version of my helmet for the lulz
>Can't wait to see how this clusterfuck develops.
>STIll saving the Imperium more than Gillman is.
>Be Farseer
>that psyker is shooting at me
>clothesline the poor fool as I dash by
>that... that hit a bit harder than I intended
>oh well, he'll live... probably. Most likely.
>just got some thot to deal with now
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>be one of the only sane eldar still on this rock
>Every chance I get to try to unfuck things only results in partial unfucking
>Craftworld was destroyed a few hours ago, hate to say this but thank FUCK for that chaos spawn being purged
>However there's the problem of several other problems. Orknids are pretty high on that list
>Rally some of the troops together, time to push back
>Raise a power sword over my head
>"You may be eldar, but tonight, we fight for survival! It's time to push our enemies back!"
>Can't believe I'm about to do this
>"We cannot fight them all, so we shall join the mon'keigh on their quest to cleanse this world!"
>No tricks
>No bullshit
>Time to purge
>Holy shit it's brutal down there
>Be wraithguard, if I die, it won't be the first or last time
>Mfw we are charging into Tyranids, orks, necrons and chaos to fight alongside humanity
>Mfw I'm starting to get this whole purging shtick
holy high terran grox shit this is exhilarating, we need to team up more often
>Be Arch Magos Magnificus Apparatus
>Discover the inquisition is thinking about exterminatusing a random planet
>Decide to see whats happening in that place to warrant such a measure
>Massive clusterfuck,my photoreceptors can't even process such heresy
>Look closer
>See a fucking Æonic orb
>thought those were only myths
>havent been this excited since we found that STC of something called a toaster
>and the inquisition is thinking of destroying it and the planet with it
>Can't have that
>Decide to send over some titans to retrieve the Orb and guarantee the inquisitor can't destroy the planet by having something as valuable as a titan legion
>Just to be sure, even send a couple of Imperator-class
>That should do it
>Be Freeboota Gitsmacka
>Wun o' da jeanstealerz turns an' starts gobbing at me
>blow itz head off wid me Slugga
>other jeanstealer starts gobbing about sum qwen fing
>Shoots dat jeanstealer an' den relays infumashun back to Kaptin outta habit, an' say he needs ta dakka the planet wid all da looted guns ta krump da tinbois
>Tinboiz start usin' dere flashy dakka, blowin' up most o' da jeanstealers
>duck back into boardin' rokkit an' pull out me big shoota
>Hear sounds coming from da front o' da rokkit an' look inside
>Mad Mekboy iz tryin' ta turn da boardin' rokkit into ah trukk or sumfing
>Flyboy isn't happy
>Suddenly a grot helper smacks da biggest red button on da kontrol console
>grab on fer dear loif as rokkit explodes back to life
>rokkit-trukk takes off after Tinboi boss thru da wyrd treez, crushin' any tinboi, jeanstealer or anyfing else in da way
Nice so there will be Imperator Class Titans fighting and Ork Dominatrix + Norn-Queen
>Be Daemonette
>Realize that the eldar should have woken up by now
>Hear a scream of victory
>Look at the source
>The rapeldar finally snagged one
>Can't have that. I don't like sharing
>Run as fast as daemonic agility allows me
>Crab her again and push her away
>Don't even see the result, gotta take advantage of the sweet psyker on the floor
>Climb on top of him
>I'm capturing this ass for chaos
poor Psykerbro
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>be Farnus Terjiid, Captain-Elect of the Hands of the Rift's 2nd company of The Emperor's Holy Space Marines
>just chilling in my quarters on the Battlebarge "Furious Reclamation of Mackleroy Primus", reciting the Pious Chant of Enlightened Ignorance like I always do on Wednesdays
>suddenly a mob of serfs come pouring through my door screeching at the top of their lungs about Throne knows what
>one of them shoves a vox-transcription in my face and begging me to read it
>as I make my way through the mostly incomprehensible log, my face twists from calm serenity to abject horror
>there's a war going on over a fucking bodypillow one system over and the autists are begging for my help
Fuck that. I'm taking my marines and yeeting the fuck out of here, have fun dying over a pillow you weeaboo trash.
>turnz out, ye can eat da tin boyz
>bunch uv 'em runz off into da woodz wif sum freebootaz in hot pursuit
>Gorkspeed, lads
>meanwhile, us and our bugz is tearin' da tinboyz wiv da sleepin' bitz a new one
>zappin' gitz wif a zoggin' plaz-kannon on our back
>stompin' gitz
>eatin' gitz
>all while gettin' dat sweet, sweet 'urt
>dem rippa ladz is good at cuttin' meat up, but not as good as da bugz
>see 'umies and pointy ears in da distance approachin'
>tell da buggy gitz ta charge da squishy ladz while we 'andle da tin boyz
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> Managed to bombard that Baneblade to kingdom come.
> Fucking finally, thought the knight is pissed that there's no pillow.
> Think quickly, find rough location of the commander.
> Show us the meaning of haste, Basilisk!
> Look I couldn't be fussy, Chimera got shot out from under me and the knight won't let us ride his shoulders.
> Find the battlefield with the pillow, is that a tau fighting the image of the saint?
> ON the pillow?
> dafuq.servoskull
> Speaking of, Tau are here too.
> About to headcap the commander.
> Fuck fuck fuck, order driver to charge in.
> Gun readied for direct fire.
> MFW over the din of battle no one pays attention to the sound of a chimera engine.
> About 50 paces away from the heretical commissar that started this whole mess, AP round loaded, aiming systems set for direct fire.
> Brave guardsman sacrificed himself for the commander and his pillow holding the commissar in position as he does the dramatic bolter execution pose.
> Remember words of wisdom from one of the Majors once.
> When in doubt shoot it again.
> No wait, that other one, about Commissar that charges into combat on a Basilisk.
> Namely don't do it that Commissar was a maniac too.
> Screw it too late, hit the shiny red button.
> KABOOOM.earthshaker
> Commander ascends. Good, that should mean his eardrums will be healed.
> Salute, your artillery support has arrived sir.
>Commissar is ready to blame me
>at the last moment I shield myself with the relic, I see celestine wresting a Tau heretic, both naked
>I hear yelling from a distance, and last I remember is seeing light
>Just light
>Am I dead?
>Look at myself, I have a bitching new helmet and angelic wings
>All the while I see that there are TWO celestines wrestling the SlaaneshiTau on the pillow and the Commissar is knocked out,
>Yet there seems to be warp taint on him too
>I see the body of Marcus
>RIP bro, hope to find you on the right hand of the emperor
>Guess it's time to finish off the Comissar
>Proceeds to go off to purge him for his crimes that cause this clusterfuck
>be Soraritas
>Sisters Hospitaller fucked off to go play with the wildlife as usual
>Rest of us purging Greenskin,nurgling,tyrannid, lesser daemons indiscriminantly
>I hope I look hot, I swear that inquisitor was eyeing me off in the back of the rhino
>Best part of it is the Celestine pillow is being delivered straight to
>out of nowher wraithgaurd start charging into the group we're firing at
>They're fucking screaming for the emperor
> be Pillow T'au Craftworld Slaneshi... whatever OK?
> There are two of those stupid Saints wrestling me now
> fucking great the Weaboo also ascended to sainthood
> like why? WHY!?
> masturbating Comissar falls back as that guy ascends
> mfw. the holy ascendance of his former subbordinate made him come
> mfw. a bit of the sparm lands on my leg in the pillow
> mfw. purple light engulfs him and he ascends into a Daemon Princehood
>Be Guardsman
>Lungs feel like they're about to burst
>Legs are on fire
>I'm sorry, Psykerbro, but I can't run anymore
>At the very least I can try to shoot the Daemonette and buy you a few seconds
>Take aim
>No chance to see if I hit when I get tackled by rapeseer
> be Aun'el
> got now metalic prostetic leg and arm
> have been holding off forces outnumbering 1000:1 for months by now
> fucking have degenerated into a devil
> purge all heresy
> kept this Comissar around
> again fucking Daemon shit
> I'm fucking out
> on all fucking channels I blast my willingness to ally with the Imperium untill at least the Nekrons, Orknids, Slaneshtau, Orks, Dark Eldar and Daemons are dead.
> they're gonna just use it to bomberd out location won't they?
> fucking Imperials
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> How in the FUCK did that miss.
> Seriously doesn't this thing have a CEP of what, 5 meters at 20 klicks?
> Oh wait.
> This is that gunner I found with his legs crushed.
> Not actually trained that well.
> Get crew to manhandle new round into the breech, tell gunner to move over.
> Fucking meatbags, gotta do everything myself here.
> See that Commissar has begun to ascend to... something. Swirly purple warpy shit surrounds his body.
> Guys.
> Hurry the fuck up with that fresh round.
> Seriously hurry the fuck up.
> Scared.picrelated
> Hope the Saint can keep whatever that is busy while we reload.
>see the guardsman has fallen
>No, that's not right, ascended
>The pillow is in the open
>Oh FUCK no, I did NOT die TWICE for that shit to fall into heretical hands (shit I sound like a marine)
>Cut my way through the hoards to the sight of this thing
>Rush over so I can grab that shit as fast as possible
>Pretty sure I recognize this tau image, but fuck it, not my problem
>Without a champion of this thing the imperiam will more than likely blow us all up
>Not over my dead bod....fuck it
>Yell out to any surviving imperials to rally to me
>Time to get off this blasted world before we're raised to the ground
>See Celestine hovering over commissar
>Pretty sure he's responsible for this
>...Pillow can wait
>Time to assist the emperor
>Shit am I an imperial now?
>Charge at commissar, the bastard who (indirectly) doomed my home
>About to deliver the sweetest surprise stab he's ever felt
Shiiit, worried this might fuck things further but hey, could be fun
>da treez or Mork or sumfin tellz me dere's a mega-stompa comin'
>only gotta turn ta see 'im comin'
>zoggin' 'ell, look at da size 'a dis lad
>all dat dakka
>'s like a metal rokk on legs
>zog me, it's da most byootiful fing we evva laid eyes on
>start chargin' towards da lad, 'e's far but we wanna get an 'ead start on 'im
>make da biggest ruckus 'a roarin' an' bellowin' we can, blastin' off lob afta lob of plazma from our kannon
>can't decide whevva ta open wiv a bite or jus' knock da lad ovva
>absolute unit, dat, zoggin' byootiful
Welp, at least they're getting raped to death alongside eachother. Could think of worse ways to go than death by xeno/chaos pussy alongside your best friend
> be Comissar Xenofucker
> finally i have been reuinted with my love
> the vile Imperials have trapped her in eteral torment in a pillow where she si nortured by two Imperial saints
> nevergonnaforgive.xenopussy
> emerge as a Daemon Prince
> world changes into Daemon World
> get's engulfed by Warpstorm
> I stand in front of my nemesis
> Saint Weaboo
> around him two other Saints are floating
> Saint Celestine and Saint Celastine

I may be outnumbered, but this is my world. This should at least be balanced now!
I rally all fucking forces of chaos and T'au to battle (yea even the Khornites)

Time to kick the imperium out of this shitwhole, time to free my waifu from her eternal prison.

>Be me
>Kaptin Goldteef
>Watching frum da bridge o' Wuldkrumpa as da hulk gets inta position ovah da planet afta wun o' da boardin' rokkits krumps an entire Dark panzee ship
>panzees cannae make proppa armah. squig-brained gitz.
>looted vox starts goin' off
>itz dat Jeanstealer minder Gitsmacka
>jeanstealerz rambling at him 'boot sumfing sumfing Qwen an' dat ah should 'dakka da planet'
>'Wot da zog does dat ol' humie musik mob 'aff ta do wid bugboyz?'
>Turn ta mah Dakka spezzalist
>"Target da humie, spikey boyz, blueberries an' pointy ears wid all o' WuldKrumpa's dakka."
>"All o' eet Kappin?"
>Dakka spezzalist runs off after an' comes back wid a large disc labeled "Queen's Greatest Hits-STC edition"
>Insert disc into looted humie musik playa da meks hooked into da hulk ages ago and smashes da big 'arrow' button
>Laugh loik I'm channelin' Gork an' Mork as Wuldkrumpa fires its Looted Railgun Batteries, Looted Ion Cannons, Looted Lance Batteries and Looted Macrocannons at the planet near where da humiez iz fightin' da blueberries an' da wyrd treez, while all da Orky weaponz blast away at da nearby ships an' weird scrap fings in orbit.
>All while da humie song "Bohemian Rhapsody" is booming out into space through the hulk's external speakers so loud da whole system can 'ear it.
I'm fairly sure Farseer is just gonna rape him CLOSE to death. Maybe she'll take him with her as a... trophy husband? I dunno. I'm actually kinda jealous of the fucker.
This is all going to end on some sort of massive tau-titan on ork-eldar-tyranid-guardsmen-daemonette-pillow-saint-daemon prince-chaos warband-psyker orgy isn't it. I approve
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>trophy husband
God, they both just live out their lives as the throphy husbands of a daemonette and a farseer, becoming a happy family and doing lewd stuff like holding hands and saying they love eachother
>be sanctioned psyker
>everything sucks again
>be lying on the hard ground dazed
>lost my laspistol
>pretty sure that crazy Eldar bitch just cracked my collar bone
>at least my throat wasn't crushed
>feel a sudden weight on my pelvis
>smell a combination of body glitter, astroglide, and bodily fluids
>vision clears as I look down
>fucking daemonette trying to rip off my boxers and turn me over
>can see a worryingly large bulge beneath its loin cloth
>notice guardsbro beginning to take potshots at the thing
>over exertion or not I'm not getting razors dicked this day, not while my bro is still here
>channel warp energy as best I can
>feel a blood vessel in one of my eyes pop
I mean I would have picked "don't stop me now", but that works kek
>Shit I'm too late to stop a Daemon prince from emerging
>Warp storm engulfs planet
>Oh hell no
>Not going to let THAT stop me though
>Hear a blaze of bullets behind me, looks like the orks are getting in on it
>Charge the behind of this commissar turned Daemon prince
>If I can't kill him I can sure as shit distract him for those saint fellows to finish him off
>Thrust sword forward
>Holy SHIT that's a lot of blood
>I'm totally fucking soaked in it
>Pretty sure I'm gonna die for this... again
>Hope this kikaku works
> mothalbot stabbed me
> my eternally flowing blood keeps going
> idiot's sword is stuck in me now
> barely did any damage
> Did that Robo Eldar really expect to oneshot a Daemon Prince?
> eldararrogance+imperialzelousy.lol
> I let blood rain from the skies
> periodblood. slanesh
> throw Eldar Robot to the side
> breaks into parts when it hits an Eldar Titan which fell anong with the Craftworld
> ohno.fuck
> 3 imperial saints charge me
> tacticalretreat.smarttactics

I fuck I need to retreat. Establish a base. Logistics fortify a possition etc.
I'm a comissar not an Idiot afterall!
>Be Necron Lord
>Realize that retreating into this forest was a terrible idea
>Everything terrible is apparently descending into this forest
>Good chunk of our forces gets clipped by a massive rocket careening through the forest
>Many more get ensnared and violated by the vines
>Actually feeling genuine fear
>I can see the massive Ork ta-
>No wait what the fuck is that!?
>Fucking shit
>Can hear more fucking humans, ork-nids and C'Tan knows what charging into the fray
>Get tripped by a vine and eat shit falling down
an incline
>Decide to make our stand here with the rest of my warriors, while simultaneously trying to keep my pelvis from getting molested by these faggot vines
May the Emperor grant you strength, Psykerbro
>See guardsman nearly get blammed and turned into saint
>Commissar turned to daemon prince
>Celestine and Celestein have manifested to assist
>Eldar titan comes into fray
>End up having to run for the pillow and pick it up like a football
>On Voxcall I'm calling the nearest valkyrie to pick me up so I can gtfo with the relic
>LZ is 100 meters away
>Dodging plasma, boltrounds, Lasrounds and so much other crap
>I watch from the transport as the fight on the ground goes down,
>Look at the pillow, still see the image of two saints wrestling the tau heretic
>Looks down to see both saints ready to fight the daemon prince
>Be Farseer
>Currently wrestling with beu and trying to remove his Aquila print boxers
>Silly Mon'Keigh, your resistance only makes me want you more
>Sense the psyker trying to fight off the Daemonette
>Warp fuckery is happening
>Better make this quick, not letting beu get away this time
>Finally get my "target"
>I think I'll take him with me after this shitshow ends
> be daemon-in-the-pillow
> two Saints are fucking me up in here
> I can handle some good'ol BDSM though
> Celestine has clearly aknowlaged the holyness of the artifact
> fuck
> as soon as she touches it my soul and existance are olbliterated
> pussy comissar fucked off
> Celestine literally only needs to touch me and I'm dead

I don't know if the guy knows he saved my life. I hope he keeps running. Might as well try fucking with his head a bit while we're at it.
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By the emperor, this is gotten so heated,its hard to keep up

>See both my waifu Celestine and her body double Celestein charging alongside me
>am filled with rigorous fury of the emperor
>As we charge I see him get slowed down by an eldar robot, blood begins to rain
>He is retreating cannot let that happen
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> cover myself with blood
> betterredthandead.orkmagic
> go fast
> go very fast while I scream "tactical retreat a lot
> try to twist reality itself to slow the Saints down
> throw myself into a pile of plague Marines
> let's hope they're friends
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>It hurts
>Everything hurts
>I'm fucking mangled to shit pretty sure my bits got lodged into a...
>Every time I fall...
>...I come back...
>... time to...rest... again...



>Awaken once more
>This time I see my corpse
>Fuck that's messed up
>Also small...
>No...I'm big...
>Bit hurting but get on my feet, see the battlefield in ALL its glory
>As well as Daemon prince trying to leg it
>Distraction worked, they're close
>Time to lend some REAL aid
>holy SHIT I'm loud
>Join saint's persuit of the prince
>damn that's catchy
>Mfw I'm a truly accended war machine
>Think I can hear Khaine and Emperor brofist
>Nah, just my imagination, TIME TO SQUISH PUNY ENEMIES

>Pretty sure >>60669114 has got this in the bag thanks to me
>Still following though, no way am i losing this bitch
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>be Daemonette
>Get warp bolted in the face REALLY hard
>Ouch, that hurt
>Somehow didn't die
>Apparently this planet is a daemon world now
>Look back at psyker, hoping to finish the job
>Prepare to announce my victory, but when I look at him feel bad
>What did that bolt do to me
>Try to say something
>only thing that i say "So sorry... I didn't mean to do it"
>"That was so lewd! I should have never tried to do more than hold-claws!"
>oh dark prince what is happening to me
>hug cute psyker while crying, boner deflated
>they think I'll let them have this so easily
>they think pskerbro's autism is so easily bested
Sush anon. You have daemonette to hold hands with.
> notsofast.daemonworld
> this is my fucking daemonworld
> my fucking warpstorm
> I change all land to Daemonic Flesh
> try to change all plants to vaginatrees, but they tell me not to and scream at me
> I leave them alone
> I descend into the geound as if swallowed by the planets mouth-vagina itself
> as I descend deeper and depper something blocks my way
> howdareyouopposememyplanet.daemonprince
> oh fuck...
> oh my fucking Slaneshtau!
> it's a Æonic orb

/tg/ I'm now in the core of the planet. Those filthy loyalists can't get me unless they can dig a lot.

Can I do something interesting with the Æonic orb?
>boner deflated
I don't think Psyker knows how lucky he is. For now.
>Be guardsman
>Too exhausted to fight back anymore
>Oh well, if Eldar ass is good enough for a Primarch I guess it's good enough for me
>See the Daemonette crying and hugging psykerbro
>I'll deal with that later
>More immediate concerns, after all
>I could get used to this...
Sure, just don't kill the guardsman and psyker bros vs thirsty bitches arc. I wanna see where that ends

>Be me
>Flyboy Wazrukk, Boardin' Rokkit "extraordinaire"
>Mad Mek Razzafing's turned mah Rokkit inta a zoggin' trukk
>No Iz gotta drive dis wild fing, keep it from crashin', an' run ovah as many gitz as possible
>Dat grot-brain Gitsmacka iz trying tellin' me to turn around, wez completely passed da tinboss.
>Rokkit bursts outta wyrd treez an' iz headin' straight for some fancy pointy ear who iz on top of a guardsman pulling his armor off
>Suddenly hear "I'm just a poor boy nobody loves me" booming down from the sky and the battlefield starts exploding all over the place from Wuldkrumpa's orbital bombardment
>Struggle with rokkit control stikk for a moment and manage to get Rokkit going into a drift at the last second, causing da back end to lift up as I start o turn it around
>Boardin' rokkit JUST catches the top of the Farseer's head as it passes over her and the guardsman instead of turning them into paste.
>Drift turns into an uncontrolled spinout for a moment before I straight Rokkit out and fly straight back into forest.
>RazzaFing suddenly injects something into Rokkits fuel-tank and hits the red button again
>hold controls for dear life as Boardin' Rokkit suddenly breaks the sound barrier as it shoots back toward Necron Lord, except this time from the opposite direction
Did... Did the Thirsty Farseer just get cockblocked by an ORK of all things?
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>be sanctioned psyker
>be severely confused
>daemonette has gone from trying to rape me to hugging me
>trying to push the grotesque thing off when I here a rustling behind me over the din of battle
>look back to see Eldar violating my bro
>think bro must be too tired to fight back
>bloodshot eye is practically vaporized from my skull by my warp channeling
>warp bolt practically fries the skin off my hand as I fling it at eldar
>not even a black templar could compare to the level of autistic hatred consuming me now
hey I'll take it over my own post. Ork cockblock is canon now
> DO WAGH!!!

Oh FFS, I'm out.
By the emperor

>Hear sudden yell for all faithful servants of the god emperor to come to me and the two saintly girls to bring down this daemon prince
>Although the planet warps around us, our faith continues to pursue the daemonic Commissar
>We descend down, deep into the planet's core to see the Daemon who just encountered some sort of orb
>Doesn't matter, our faith must prevail
>Holy sword turns red hot, like an overheated lasbarrel
>Celestein and Celestine are screaming faithful prayers to the emperor while we are about to strike
>every step is a crunch of death and destruction
>Literally, whole fecking planet is alive
>No matter, I'm going to blast a hole in it to get to that prince if I have to
>Wait if I hit the core...
>Deadworld 2, electric boogaloo
>Looking like total annihilation is the only good option at this point
>Look down before I step again
>Shit that's...a farseer?
>Damn, gotta get our warstones off world
>Decide I'm about to pick up a handful of that (read, the remaining troops), handfull of imperials, get everyone off...somehow...
>Plan ready, time to execute and save lives
>be mystical warp bolt of pure virginal rage
>so strong a librarian would blush
>going to murderfy eldar douche
>some random ork hits her and knocks her of target
>explode where her head should be in a vacuum of virgin angst
>just curl everyone in a ball if confused people
>Hear sudden scream to charge the heretical daemon in the name of the emperor
>All the while I am hearing whispers to leave the planet, that I can escape with the artifact and protect
>I am conflicted on what to do
>I order the valkyrie to turn us around and go deep into the planet's core
>Guardswoman looks at me, "Wait, Wha-?"
>We descend into the hellish maw of the planet, this may be the death of me
>Death is a small price to pay for the emperor
> planet has become basically part of my body
> the holy fuckers keep stabbing it
> pls stop it kinda hurts and it's not like you can dig trough 1200 km of flesh anyway
> start fighting random Necrons which try to stop me
> how the hell do you posses a piece of technology?
> try calling Chaos Unidivided for help
> open whole in the warp
> needtechsupport.deamonstuff
> keep fighting Nekrons, it's harder than I though

I hope there is no bog Nekron boss hiding or some shit.
>Be Farseer
>A fucking flying Ork Monstrosity of a trukk just clipped the top of my fucking head!
>clench down on beu as my Banshee Aspect is forcibly removed
>at lest I can think clearly now
>Too bad I don't have the increased stamina anymore... I would rock beu's world otherwise
>Get zapped by the autistic rage of his psyker friend
>If this hurts beu, I'll rip his head off
>Be Farseer again
>Well, I guess the Ork was good for something
>Be Necron Lord
>Every thing is terrible
>The ground is fucked
>The Flayed ones are literally fucking the vines
>Can't hold back the vines much longer
>Hear a massive explosion
>Get sent flying from the force of something crashing into the fleshy ground
>Not sure how far but Pretty far by my calculations
>Crash through a wall along with a few warriors that I'm pretty sure are fucked beyond repair
>Some of the warriors phase out
>Barely conscious
>My fucking systems got rightfully fucked
>All I know is there's more fighting in this place
>Crawl under a table no yet destroyed and wait until I can walk correctly again
>My pelvis is sore
>My legs feel violated
>This day has been beyond terrible
>I just want to go home with a pillow
For clarity's sake, I thought that the plant opened a mouth down to the core of it, if that's not the case, we could say that the 3 saints drilled a hole down to the center of the planet

>See necrons fighting the daemon
>We are almost about to purge him
>as we get closer, my holy bayonet stabs him into the back
>be Daemonette
>Discover the wonderfull world of hugs
>rejected by love
>Be sucked into a mini vacuum by the psykers cockblocking mastery
>End up next to him again
>hug him again tighter this time

>Be Freeboota Gitsmacka
>Clutching on edge of Boardin' Rokkit, trying ta get da flyboy ta turn us around.
>Back end o' Rokkit suddenly lifts up into the air an' da fing starts turning
>Hear soft thump, look down an see panzee down on top o' humie
>Take aim wid mah Big Shoota, only ta 'ave da entire dakka belt ripped offa my chest (along wid an unlucky grot) an' sucked into a warp vacuum that appears where the eldar's head used to be
>Crawl back into Boardin' Rokkit only ta get thrown against side o' exit doorway as Rokkit takes off back inta da forest as "Killer Queen" starts echoing down from da sky
Resolved the warpbolt problem! Sort of.
> got dammit they dug trough
> my back hurts now
> ah, oh ny holy light
> can't connect with stupid Nekron thingy
> at least not fully
> oh that Slanesh managed to nonnect a bit.
> the Orb turns underneeth us
> I hug Saint Weaboo of the Bodypillow as tightly as i can
> onlyabithomo.snaleshiinfluence
> I start counting down
> 15 seconds untill the Æonic orb will fire with us at the center
> ifIhavetoDieThenYouToo.cunt

The blast would not destroy the planet, but would burn a round whole in the surface detroying like 1/16th of it would be my estimate.

So you perverts can continue your erotica in peace.
I hope this ork is just a jacked up green version of Freddy Mercury
>Be Lt Augustus
>starting reach unprecedented levels of anger that would make the false blood god blush
>First some motherfucking Ork defiles the battle barge by using a fucking rock
>Then this planet is permanently defiled by being turned into a daemon world followed by the group I am currently with being ambushed by a fuck ton of daemons
>I was just sent here to pick up recruits and then later on make sure a sacred relic was saved only for almost anything to go wrong happening
>My holy wrath has started to push my body to being able to one hand my hammer and shotgun, blasting away at anything that dares to oppose us
>Also by this point I am on fire, its not even damaging anything I am just surrounded by an angry golden fire
>Same is true for the magpies and Minatours beside me
>Not sure if we are going to get exterminated by Grey Knights later but fuck it, MY WRATH CANNOT BE CONTAINED
>The one good thing to come out of this is that is has turned commander waifu into a saint which means we can finally track him down
>start shouting "Forward brothers, we are claiming that pillow and its guardian saint, getting off this rock and then subjecting this damned world to the Emperors mercy. We can discuss who will get the relic later."
>Man this will be an amusing story when I get back home
>I hope this ork is just a jacked up green version of Freddy Mercury
I wasn't really thinking about his appearance until now, but da Kaptin looking like a giant version of Freddy Mercury fits. I declare it canon.
This whole ordeal isn't even pleasing any chaos god, they are just sitting there confused while Tzeench cackles like a maniacal chicken and Slaanesh is just screaming "just fuck already!" Reapeatdly to almost everyone in this mess. Even the titan. Especially the titan
> be Sister Ruliana
> be Hospitaler
> Sosoritas bitches left me behind
> I feel very hurt
> decide to brood a bit by playing with the local wildlife
> all the trees try to eat you and keep WAAAAAGGHHH'ing into your head
> they only need some affection and retraining
> the ground had become supper squishy
> would have sumped on it as if it was a trampoline, but last time I tried it just started growing way to many penises
> I miss my Limmy, wonder what my baby is doing
> should go look in the forrest if no other animals got hurt
>maybe I'll stumble uppon something nice and fluffy again
> We're loaded finally.
> Things have truly gone to utter shit in just the time it takes to reload the Basilisk's Earthshaker.
> Feels like an hour has passed.
> How are we still alive but for the Omnissiah-on-Terra's blessings?
> Want to fire, then shit gets really, really fucking real.
> Where did that Titan come from?
> Oh fuck bowled over ouch fuck why did I keep pain receptors.
> Where in the fuck are we?
> Who is still alive?
> To my immense surprise not only is the crew ok the Basilisk is too. Sort of.
> Hull mounted bolter completely fucked.
> We're entangled side-ways onto the wall of some weird carved tunnel.
> Pretty sure we're halfway down some necron crypt that's run through with pink demonic flesh.
> A valkyrie transport just flew past deeper into the cavern. See something warpy down at the bottom.
> Can't actually see what, but we'd better blow it up.
> Take target marker with me, link it to Basilisk machine spirit.
> On my mark just shoot me ok?
> Down into the caves I go.
> About to climb when I realize, why climb?
> The Omnissiah has given me an integrated angle grinder and vice like grip.
> Slip and slide down to the bottom with knife and angle grinder trailing sparks behind me like I'm a one man out of control elevator.
> Let's go help some saints.They're bringing the faith, I'll bring the other thing the Imperium uses for victory.
> Even if only one Basilisk is a bit puny as far as firepower goes.
> be pillow-daemon
> inquisitor-san is good to me
> honestly could stay like this untill I regain my full power
Just imagine this planet. Everything is exploding, what isn't exploding is screaming, even the trees, ESPECIALLY the trees, and there's queen music blasting ocer everything. At least the noise marines are happy
>Guardswoman is doing good work keeping us in pursuit of the saints as they clear a path
>As they descend down to the core of the planet, it looks like warptravel
>I am swatting pink horrors off the transport while the small handful of guardsmen help me fight them off
>as we near the destination I see a light almost like the sun
>The holy bastard did it
>See the daemon has been impaled by Saint WeeabooGuard
>ALL the while both Saint gals are closing in for the final blow
>The Daemon Lord is hugging Saint Weebguard while I see a green glow similar to necrons
>In a desperate attempt to do something I ended up diving down into this clusterfuck with the holy relic
>Accidently knocked celestine (Or was it celestein) into the hugging saint and daemon
>Holy relic is impaled into the daemon's skull, the female saint is sandwiched between me and the daemon, body pillow covering her face so hard to tell which saint it is
>Green glow intensifies
>feeling the planet scream
>Shit, time to go
>Look up, there's functioning imperial cruisers
>That'll have to do, but they're going to be ultra confused
>Tell smaller troops to get the webway open
>They do, yus
>Just defend it from whatever isn't human or eldar, for the love of shit
>I can spot a few now
>All of them in a warpy fuckfest
>Fuck it, grab the ball GENTLY and pull the mass to the webway
>Dump the four by the entrance, let fate sort it out, troops are funneling out anyway
>Time to finish what these nids...orks...whoever started
>open fire, the biggest bangs ever, pretty sure troops can feel the impact tremors of my shots
>Each hit slays dozens, if not hundreds
>Hear marines are here
>Dis going to be a fight to remember
>Pretty sure the orks love it. Fuck them, but I'm loving life number 4
Why didn't I join the imperium sooner?
nb4 we all get fucking nuked
> the Daemon Prince Comissar regains his sense
> his loved one is here
> he can't just die
> he can't let her die
> too fucking late the Æonic orb will go off any second anyway
> leggs are torn off, can't run anymore
> I laugh somewhat ironically
> I just wanted to do what is right
> I just wanted to be with the one I loved? Is that really something worth this much condemnation?
> I guess love can't bloom in this Godforsaken glaxy
> I at least want to go out a Good man
> I use my controll over the planet and warp powers to push everyone out and thist the plnet itself so everyone except me is outside the blast radius

> as the light of the fireing Æonic orb engulfes me I transffer all my remaining power too my one true love.

>I am holding tight to Commissar Daemon, twisting my bayonet into his guts
>Suddenly I hear a savage scream
>It's the Inquisitor from the beginning, and he is using the relic to purge the daemon with me
>As he does it knocks Saint Celestein into him, he is pierced by my holy bayonet, her sword, and has his skull impaled with the holy relic
>Suddenly warp shit happens
>The Aeonic Orb engulfs the daemon, as I hear the loud BANG of an eathshaker cannon for some reason, all Loyalists who descended into the crater are suddenly engulfed in warp energy
>I see the terror Commissar Xenofucker has gone through
>I see the Slaaneshi Tau girl from the pillow be suddenly engulfed in pure light as if Celestein (Or Celestine) headbutted her into purification
>I see the hundreds of thousands of Eldar souls suffering to the hands of Slaanesh
>I see the face of the Emperor, as he stands with Bro Marcus
>Suddenly me and the two saints are on the planet's moon, it has a weak atmosphere, but by the emperor all loyalists can still breathe here
>We look down on the surface of the planet as a giant green explosion engulfs an entire convenient of the planet's surface
>Inquisitor Xenohunter is knocked unconcious, clutching the relic, no more Tau Girl on it, just Celestine
Will that world now become a Shrine World that an Imperial Saint ascended there?
> be:
> former Por'o
> former Slaneshi Cultirst
> former Deamon Prince Candidate
> former Craftworld Daemon Engine
> former powerful warp entity
> former daemon in the Pillow
> Saints purged me... am dying
> suddenly my darling lends me some of his power
> become run of the mill Daemonette of Slanesh
> atleaststillalive.t'au
> need to be cheering up some Daemonette which got dumped by a psycher
> poor thing devlopped a hug-fetish

One day I will crawl my way back to the top of Daemon hierarchy for sure.
I'm a strong independant whaman afterall.
Now we just need someone corageous enough to writefag someone reporting this shit to Guilliman, and give the planet and this clusterfuck a name. And also conclude the virgin quartet quest now on the webway. Send it to 1d4chan
> be aforementioned Aun'el
> somehow fucking fled the planet on reapropriated Nekron ship
> shit was real i think noone of my original guys is alive
> only some fucking Guardsmen I accepted as Gua'Vesa
> keep calling me comissar
> damn I fucking hate those Gua'la now
> mfw. trough all the shit I basically devolved into a xenophobic Imperial Comissar
> mfw. that was the optimal tactif for surivial

Anyway back to T'au space.. if not any more crazy warp-shenanigans happen.
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>sudden bright light
>What in the fuck just happened, can't see shit
>Vision comes back
>I'm on a different looking location
>Sitting next to some equally confused men
>Next to...shit, did I die AGAIN?
>Wait...no, I feel like I'm back to normal
>Shit, guess my physical form is healed again
>Be regular guardian (female) again
>On a moon, far away from all the burning and dying
>Turn to a guardsman and sigh
>Yup, still the token xeno
>"...so...you know a way off this rock...I...kinda wanna talk about joining up..."
>Mfw I'm actually done with this, thank the god emperor
Happy end I hope, bet I'll be shot at a few more times, buuuuut I think I can talk out of it...
> be Sister Rualian
> be in the Webway
> don't like it here
> treating all the wounded I can, even the Eldar
> suprisingly their anatomy is very simmilar to the Sea-slugs of Quirlion-94c
> I'm happy my interest in critters came in handy
> I happy humm some fluffy songs as I stich up whatever is left alive.
>be Flyboy Wazrukk
>Drivin' dis "Trukk" through da weird treez, which iz... tryin' ta penetrate itz rear?
>Rokkit-Trukk zooms past ah rather lost lookin' humie
>Seriously, a couple meters to da left an' she'd be past on my windshield
>Dunnae try to turn so Ah can run da humie over proppa, dis 'trukk' is 'ard enuff to control as iz
>Fast as zog tho
>bounce on ground a couple times, an go flying up for a bit
>See scaredy Tinboss trying ta escape
>Suddenly planet izn't warpy no more
>Dun care, gonna krump tinboss!
>Smash ALL O' DA RED BUTTONS an' ram Boardin' rokkit straight down into place where Necron Lord iz hiding
> be Planetary Hivemind
> some green light engulfed the shit
> everything is dead
> biomass is gone
> thang fucking Gork and Mork that Dominatrix shoot ut the Norn-Queen into space
> can't really call myself a Hivemind anymore?
> be just Norn-Queen floating trough space
> heavily wounded
> yellow and with lot's of biodakka

Drifting trough space untill I encounter some biomass and can resume my eternal WAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!

Because Tyranids exist to WAAAAGGGHHH!!!!
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New Thread posted, this one is about to Autosage
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Forgot to link it, GOGOGO
>Be Daemonette
>Next to sweetie pie when everything explodes
>Wake up in the webway out of all place
>pudding looks so cute when knocked out
>eldar is being treated by some sister after suffering repeated head trauma
>guardsbro just looks relieved that he and psyker-bro are alive
>use the moment to hold darlings hand with my claw
>hope I can enjoy this moment before being purged
Gib link
>Be Guardsman
>Saw the Rapeseer get knocked the fuck out by a fucking flying truck
>Her helmet goes flying into the distance
>Seconds after she collapses on top of me, I see some fuckhuge flash of light
>Somewhere different now
>This isn't some clusterfuck battlefield anymore
>We're on a moon
>How the fuck can I breathe?!
>Take a good look at the Farseer
>Damn, she's actually kinda cute.
>Maybe she'll calm down now that we're offworld
>Psykerbro is still alive and being hugged by a Daemonette. I'll help him out later
Also, if any writefags are here, It would be amazing to give this conflict an offical name for Imperial Records, I'm just trying to keep this moving along
see if we can get some drawfags in here, too. Plenty of hilarity to capture in artistic/autistic detail
Got you covered anon. >>60670645

I want someone to depict that Freddy Mercury Ork Freeboota. Because raisins.
i think they called it the "Holy Pillow War" may need renaming though.

The new thread is there too.

Stuff is basically reset thugh and probably about to calm down.
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>fix bayonets
This triggers my inner autism.
I'm not a good draw fag but i'll try
Please do, Anon, Glory like this must be depicted

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